Holes appeared in the already sadly abused pavements around ALL of the street lights and the electricians set up barricades around their holes to block the pavements and give vandals something to play with. Soon, rain filled the abandoned holes, which postponed completion of the work further.
And on the roads, great machines crewed by vampires sneaked up in the night to strip off the top layer of the surface. And then nothing happened for ages. But eventually, other mighty machines arrived to lay new tarmac and the streets ended up thick with debris from the stripping and renewing operations. The vampires were using some kind of fiendish weapon of mass destruction which set everything on the mantlepiece rattling in homes one hundred or more yards away. Which is a bit bloody much at the highly unsociable hour of a quarter past midnight!
One buzzed resident said, "If I'd known the phone number of our Trivial Democrat councillor, I'd have given him or her a ring to ask what's going on. This work doesn't have to be done in the dead of night. I've seen surveys which prove that 50% or more of all vehicle journeys through Romiley are totally unnecessary. They could easily have closed the road for a day to do the resurfacing. In fact, I think I will find out my councillor's phone number and give him or her a half-past midnight call after all."
All this left Romiley's long-suffering residents wondering why we need a new set of lights -- white ones instead of the existing sodium ones -- and how much they cost. And when our Trivial Democrat dominated council is going to do something about the pavements, which have been broken and a menace to public safety for ... well, who knows how long? Pretty much throughout living memory.
Meanwhile, the picture on the immediate right shows the current variety of lamp posts. Number 1. is still dark grey -- the cowboys sneaked back to paint all of the finished lamps with the undercoat. Number 2 is one of a few painted black. On the right-hand side of the main road, there is a blue and incompletely assembled new lamp post (3) in front of one of the old sodium ones (4). Worse, the Trivial Democrats' cowboy builders are repainting the new lamp posts black one at a time! They're also taking care to leave a stripe of grey undercoat unpainted, presumably so that they can come back even later on to paint that small bit gold to match the black and gold trim of the refuse bins. Talk about making a job last!
The pavement situation isn't helped any by anti-social arses, who park their cars on the footpath and destroy paving stones. The last picture was taken on the morning of 2003/03/26. Maybe the council can send a bill for pavement replacement to the vandal owner of this particular vehicle.
A rogue traffic warden is going after buses which pull up at city-centre bus stops! An outfit called Control Plus is in charge of parking in Manchester and one of their gang issued a £40 penalty ticket to a No. 77 bus when it dared to stop to pick up some passengers. Apparently, the bloke had been told to keep bus stops clear and he lacked the wit to understand that they were to be kept clear of other traffic so that buses could use them. The driver of the No. 77 bus assumed that it was some sort of 'Candid Camera' stunt but Manchester City Council found itself faced with a demand for £40 in due course. In even due-er course, the ticket was cancelled and the jobsworth traffic warden was sent for 'appropriate retraining'.
Overzealous Traffic Warden Wiped Out By Tram
Dandy WoMD Plot Foiled
Security staff at Birmingham international airport have deprived would-be hijackers of a potential weapon. Someone with eagle eyes and a vivid imagination spotted that the children's comic The Dandy was offering a free toy gun on its front cover. Publisher D.C. Thomson's Weapon of Mass Destruction was blue and yellow, and it fired out nothing more lethal than a clenched fist. Even so, the airport's news stands were cleared of the comic and then security staff went back to sleep, secure in the knowledge that they had made the world one tiny bit safer from the threat of global terrorism.
Vice-Prez Takes His Eye Off The Ball
The Vice-Prez has been paying the residents' 90% discounted rate on Mayor Livingstone's congestion charge for the Blair family's people carrier. But as he neglected to register the vehicle for the discount, he now faces a fine of up to £80 for every time it was used in the congestion zone. The round number of £1,000 is being tossed around as the price of his forgetfulness. Well, really, Mr. Blair! It's not as if you're doing anything important at the moment to distract you from your obligations.
After extensive leaks from the highly porous government machine, Mr. Albert Hussein, the Downing Street Special Spokesman for Security Affairs, has acknowledged that the government has obtained only 20 million doses of smallpox vaccine to cover a population of 60 million.
No-Brainer Of The Month
Barbara Harris, head-teacherperson of Park Road infants' school, Batley, West Yorkshire, who banned all children's stories which mention pigs, including The 3 Little Pigs, because she thought they're likely to offend Moslems.
Could This Man Be Britain's Champion In Europe?
The Chancellor, unaffectionately known as The Mugger to New Labour's customers, has unveiled his personal campaign to slice away the European Union's red tape -- which is a bit rich coming from someone who has spent the last 6 years tying his own country up in pointless and excessively complicated regulations. He also wants the EU's regional policy to be abolished.
Salvador Dali was booked to talk about art to the inmates of Riker's Island jail early in 1965, but he became ill and he had to cancel the lecture. He sent them a sketch of Jesus Christ on the cross instead and the painting was displayed in the dining room for 16 years -- until one of the convicts threw coffee at it. The picture was then moved to an area where only prison guards and their guests have access.
Corruption? Bring On The EU's Under-Carpet-Sweepers
What is it about the French and corruption? They have a president who'd be in gaol for serial corruption and nepotism if he wasn't running the country. Now, the EU has caught up with sometime French prime minister and later EU trough-gobbler Edith Cresson, who became famous for giving a dentist friend an EU job as an AIDS expert. She has been accused of cronyism, counterfeiting, misuse of EU funds and benefitting personally from EU contracts. The cronyism aspect includes giving £100,000 of EU cash to a 'close male friend' through bogus salaries.
Asda Recalls Soup of Mass Destruction
Anyone storing a 400g can of Asda Thick Country Vegetable soup is liable to get a severe shock, the supermarket chain has warned. Some of the cans have been overfilled, making them an explosion hazard as they are liable to swell up and 'blow'. Customers are advised to throw the cans away after retaining the label to get a refund.
Candidates for Regime Change
U-Turn If You Want To -- And She Does
Clare Short had decided not to have her salary cut off at the knees. She's going to remain a minister in Reckless Blair's government. [Is he any relation to Wreckless Eric? Ed.]
Sodom Hussein -- For Gomorrah He Die!
Someone seems to have it in for the World's Favourite Despot. After spending 35 years killing anyone he chose in Iraq, the CIA had a go at him to kick off Gulf War II. Luckily for the WFD, they had the same success as they've enjoyed in their plots to see off Fidel Castro.
Is He Still In Baghdad?
There has been an unconfirmed sighting of the WFD -- or one of his doubles -- in a Romiley pub. "He was watching the football and drinking what looked like a pint of lager," our eye-witness said. "I think he might be a Man United supporter."
Where Were All The Air-Raid Wardens?
Baghdad's night sky was lit by the flames of burning presidential palaces and buildings used by the WFD's regime. It was also lit by abundant street lights, which remained obstinately on through the war's Friday 1 night/Saturday 1 morning bombardment.
Who's Supposed To Be Perfidious?
The French, it seems, are not bothered who wins Gulf War II -- as long as they get to pick over the bones of Iraq and their corrupt politicians get a slice of the reconstruction cash; either directly or via bungs from French companies awarded contracts by the UN.
Two fish processers in New Square, New York State, claimed that they came across a talking carp on January 28th. The miraculous fish began to yell warnings about an apocalypse as Luis Nivelo was about to belt it and cut it up. Unfortunately, the warnings were in Hebrew, which Mr. Nivelo, a Christian, didn't speak. Also present was Zalmen Rosen, a member of a minor Jewish sect, who was able to translate the warnings. Even so, the fish ended up gefiltered for someone's Saturday dinner.
The thing that lets the US film industry down, when it tries to portray something British, is the common language. When we Brits see a document with an imprint on its cover saying Department of Defense [with an 's'] instead of Ministry of Defence [with a 'c'], credibility flies out of the window.
A doctor in Denmark has shown that the position of a woman's body fat can affect the health of her heart. Dr. Laszlo Taiko studied a group of women aged 60-85 and found that those with big bottoms are less likely to suffer heart disease or a stroke compared to those with a fat tummy. Even better, women with wobbly bottoms and/or wobbly arms and legs -- but not a wobby tummy -- are less likely to develop diabetes.
The Forces of Evil Schumacher was up to his old tricks again in Malaysia -- driving into people. Curiously, he chose to do it to Trulli at the start of only the 2nd race of the season. No doubt he was just getting in a bit of practice in case he needs to shunt someone at the end of the season to take the title -- as he did successfully to Damon Hill but not to Jacques Villeneuve.
Even now, the Mugger and his fellow vampires at the Treasury and Department of Inland Revenue are working on replacement schemes which look good value on the surface but which have piranha-like teeth in the invisibly small print.
The vampires are also thought to be devising further replacement schemes for the current replacement schemes. Why? Because changes confuse the customers and the best time to mug a customer for a big chunk of dosh is when he/she is confused.
A final thought: Gold is reckoned to be a good investment right now. We used to have quite a lot of it until the Mugger sold it off to prop up the euro.
|Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression.|
© RAL, March 2003.