2003/June

ROMILEY NEWS Printer Saved From Scrapheap A trusty HP LaserJet 5L printer at Romiley Business Centre has been saved from the scrapheap with the help of the World Wide Web. A problem of patchy printing arose after a major paper jam, in which the printer chewed up and retained an entire A4 sheet.    Step number one to identifying the source of the problem was finding out how to take the printer to bits. The Google search engine [www.google.com] turned up a Czech (!) HP website which provided an English service manual in PDF format. Unfortunately, the file contains an error and Acrobat Reader 5.1 refuses to display page 81, which contains essential information for getting the casing off!    The solution? Install a copy of Acrobat Reader version 3 from a PC Pro cover CD from 1999. Printing pages 80-95 provided enough information to strip the printer down, remove the fuser and find that the plastic sleeve on it had defects. Next came another Google search for a replacement fuser film. TSI Europe's website offered the item:    RG5-1965-020CN HP LaserJet 5L Fuser Film (Part No. 70000895)    The searcher nearly fell off his computing chair when he saw the on-line price of £68.32, which became £80.28 with VAT. Luckily, the same search offered another supplier, www.suppliesguys.co.uk, who offered the same part for £39.53 including VAT and standard delivery. Guess who got the order!    The order was placed on-line on Saturday, June 21st. The box arrived on Tuesday, June 24th and it contained a complete fuser unit rather than just the black plastic film, which made the price of forty quid seem more reasonable. The printer was soon working again after a further cycle of taking to bits and reassembling to correct a problem with the face up/face-down system, which was causing the printer to eat sheets of paper.    In conclusion, anyone who tackles a similar do-it-yourself repair is advised to put the printer back together immediately after identifying the problem, and take it to bits again when the replacement part is available. The manual contains enough information to take the thing to bits but it's a lot easier to put something back if you've seen it in place within recent memory. Lamp Post Update, 2003/06/26 The painters have been back to Romiley. Our Triv-Dem council has coughed up for another tin of gold paint so that the fancy lamp posts can have another coat on their stripes.

HOME NEWS "Most people think I'm a pretty straight sort of guy." The Vice-Prez tries out his new Mr. Nasty face Wounded by attacks on his grasp of the truth, Vice-Prez Blair has given the Intelligence & Security Committee the job of looking at the misleading information and downright lies which 'rogue agents' in the Intelligence services allegedly fed him.    The committee will take its evidence in private -- but it will not be allowed to question the Vice-Prez and his spin doctors -- and it will hand the only copy of its report to the Vice-Prez. He will then put his hand on his black heart and assure his customers that everything is okay with his usual sweaty sincerity. And then everything will be right with the world. Accused of 'sexing up' dodgy dossiers on Iraq, the V-P's chief spin-doctor in chief promptly took a swipe at the Blair Broadcasting Corporation. But everyone know it's not Alastair Campbell's job to tell the truth, so starting a second front against the BBC was clearly a pathetical tactic to take attention from Downing Street's lies of mass deception.    Campbell is just a Labour Party flunkey who's paid (by the taxpayer, not V-P Blair's gang) to manipulate information to make his masters look good. He's a British version of Dr. Mohammed Sohaf. He doesn't do truth, honesty and the British way of life, he does part-truth, deception and rebranding. So when you call someone else a liar from the depths of your twisted little world, it's a bit bloody rich, Cynical Ally! DBE For Mr. Dodgy? Long before the Commons committee got round to considering its verdict on Mr. Dodgy, the payroll vote elements on it were predicting that Alastair Campbell would be passed as pure and guiltless as a bucket of whitewash. In fact, after his appearance before the committee, there were even suggestions that he should be rewarded further by being made a Dame of the Order of the British Empire in recognition of his contribution to the art of pantomime. "There is no crime in London," said the Vice-Prez. So how come his elephant-eared education secretary, Charles Clarke, has been pick-pocketed and burgled? In this month's opinion polls, 26% of customers are said to think that 'Dodgy' Blair can be trusted. Something of an exaggeration, surely?

HEALTH NEWS New Labour introduces Health Fascist Charter Smokers, fatties, unfit slackers, boozers and other deviants from a decent way of life are to be cut off from the NHS. New Labour has put a fascist face on the nanny state. The party wants to introduce health contracts between doctors and their customers. Anyone who fails to abide by the agreement to live sensibly and healthily will be struck off.    There is no mention of whether rejects will be able to reclaim their National Insurance payments if they're not getting any benefit from them -- but with the Mugger squatting on the public purse, that seems unlikely. Doctors are appealing to the Mugger's worst instincts by demanding a 17.5% extra tax on fat, which will be applied to junk food. The idea is to raise cash to meet the £500million which the NHS is alleged to spend every year on treating obesity. But given the Blair Regime's record for targetting cash at places that need it, the likely outcome is that fatties will become poorer but no slimmer. The next step, a couple of years down the line, is to introduce genetic screening for all. The information gleaned will be used to tell the government such diverse things as which people are likely to be a burden on the nation through genetic medical conditions, and which will croak at an early age and not require a pension. Vice-Prez Blair has already assured his customers that no one will suffer as a result of his new testing programme, but he is having severe credibility problems at present and the customers are feeling neither happy nor forgiving. Two professors have come up with a wonder-pill for anyone who survives beyond 55. Taking one per day, at a cost of about £1 per day, will prolong the lives of one-third of the consumers by up to 12 years. The Department of Health is reported to be reluctant to do anything about this miracle because it will create gangs of ancients with long memories, who will be going round complaining about the size of their pensions and the deficiencies in the government's plans for caring for the elderly. To Croak Or Not To Croak? Probably, To Croak The office of National Statistics, more familiar to Keith Waterhouse fans as the Department of Guesswork, has shown that Vice-Prez Blair's regime is pouring billions into the NHS -- but to fund pay rises and further layers of bureaucracy rather than better patient care. As a result, this month's report by the Organization for Economic Co-operation & Development puts the UK at the bottom of the heap as far as healthcare is concerned. The Vice-Prez and his cronies are clearly more interested in making the NHS achieve their worthless targets than in getting the customers fit enough to crawl to the voting booths.

DOME NEWS Another Dome Disaster To the huge disappointment of Vice-Prez Blair, Saddam Hussein has dropped his plans to buy the Millennium Dome. He now intends to joins his ex-wife, Sajida, and their two daughters, who are currently house-hunting in Leeds in anticipation of being granted refugee status in the UK. Leeds is the home city of Saddam's cousin, Izzi Hassan, and the family hopes to create a 'compound' in Yorkshire along the lines of the 'Kennedy Compound' in the good old US of A.    It is understood that the Home Office will make loud noises about refusing to admit the Husseins but Black Flag News has learned from a reliable source that Vice-Prez Blair has struck a deal with the former World's Favourite Despot. Mr. Hussein will be allowed into the UK on a tourist visa of indefinite duration provided he has nothing to say about his Weapons of Mass Destruction -- or lack of them.    The deal allows the former WFD to enjoy Yorkshire life and reduces the embarrassment potential for Vice-Prez Blair.

MALADMINISTRATION NEWS When You Have Nothing To Say ... ... bind a load of rubbish into 18 volumes at vast expense to the taxpayer; give your customers a few hours to wade though millions of words, most of them meaningless or totally irrelevant; spew out a load of jargon in the House of Commons; and then look smug.    That was the Mugger's master plan for saying 'not yet' to the euro, even though Vice-Prez Blair was desperate for a 'yet'. Boy Blair Bogs It Up 2003/06/12 -- V-P Blair abolishes the post of Lord Chancellor. 2003/06/13 -- V-P crony Lord 'Millennium Dome' Forkbender installed as the new Lord Chancellor to replace the sacked Lord Wallpaper.    Even his own cannon fodder called the V-P's cabinet shuffle a cronyist dog's breakfast. And then he had to let his party follow its collective yobbish instincts in the Commons to drown out anyone who wasn't impressed by his non-apology.    'Nuff said! p.s. Would you trust a pair of cowboys like Blair and Lord 'Millennium Dome' Forkbender to tinker with the British constitution? Tax The Rich? Hang On, That's Us! The government's official European trash-talker Peter Hain has been forced to brace himself, with ankles grabbed, while Vice-Prez Blair parked his bike with unusual force. The reason? He dared to suggest that the rich should be taxed even harder.    "'Ere! We're rich. That's us!" Mrs. V-P shrilled as she delivered a mighty skelp to one of the vice-presidential lugs. "Do something, you useless lump."    So Hain was forced to don sack-cloth and recant and Mrs. V-P retired to count the reported £250million which she earns [is paid, not earns -- Ed.] every year.    p.s. The Treasury was asked to comment on the government's tax policy for rich customers. A spokesman said that The Mugger had blown a fuse and was unavailable for a policy directive.

WAR NEWS Fear & Trembling For Fat Cats? Trade & Industry Sec. Praticia Hewitt has declared war on fat-cat bosses who cop for millions as a golden parachute after driving a once viable company into the dust.    So what can we expect now?    If past performance is any guide, a lot of ranting from the politicos and their hangers on and nothing happening when the dust settles -- because the politicos have switched their attention to another target of opportunity. So That's Where The WoMD Are! Most people accept that you can't prove a negative. But Vice-Prez Blair isn't representative of most people. He would have us believe that if no one can prove that Saddam's Weapons of Mass Destruction didn't exist, then that proves that they did/do exist. And so he was entitled to tag on to Prez Bush's coat tails for the recent war in Iraq.    Mind you, accepting his rules for 'proof' means that UFOs and the Loch Ness Monster have to exist. So hey, maybe the WoMD are at the bottom of Loch Ness, in Nessie's personal cave dwelling, or on a UFO! Or maybe they really are on the 3 Iraqi ships, which were reported to be circling aimlessly in the Indian Ocean before the war began.    Come to think of it, where are those ships? How come we've heard nothing about then for months and months? Lootin' Lies It suited the anti-war mob to present an image of looters stripping Baghdad's museums while American troops stood idly by. But US investigators have shown that the facts of the matter were somewhat different. Just 33 major exhibits are missing, not thousands as the anti-war brigade claimed, about 2,000 minor exhibits cannot be found, and the collections are more or less intact.    'Missing' treasures have turned up locked in security vaults, including one in Iraq's National Bank, which was flooded and difficult to reach. Journalists, seeing empty shelves in the museums, assumed that looters had been busy and it did not occur to them that the 'missing' items had been removed by museum staff and placed in safe storage. The looters, in fact, stripped the administrative offices of museums, which were seen as belonging to the regime and fair game.    Most, if not all, of the stolen items are thought to have disappeared long before the war began -- stolen to order by members of the outgoing regime, who are known to have staged bank jobs in an attempt to remove the country's reserves of cash and gold when their time was up.    So how did the world's meeja get things so wrong? Well, it could be something to do with the fact that the Baghdad museum's director of research, one Donny George, was an ankle grabber for the World's Favourite Despot; he lied shamelessly when he said the museum had not been fortified (it had, and that's why the Yanks didn't rush in there); and he knew that that staff had put a lot of the exhibits into storage and stolen the rest when he claimed that 200,000 bits and pieces had taken a walk. George Galloway Is Somewhat Innocent The Christian Science Monitor accused the exiled Labour MP of taking millions from Saddam and he took them to court. Now, the US newspaper has admitted that its sleazing was based on fake documents. Even so, George intends to continue with his legal action against them. After all, an apology with cash is better than just an apology any day of the week. US close to a profit on Iraq War The US government reckons that it has found almost enough buried loot to cover its costs for the war.    US General Battlin' Bevis told Black Flag News, "Iraq is like a grand treasure hunt. Every sealed building, every hole in the ground is yielding millions and millions of dollars in currency, jewelry, antiquities and gold bars.    "A few more weeks like this and we'll be turning a profit."    Things are strangely quiet in the British Zone of Iraq. Does this mean that there is no loot stashed in the south? Or has The Mugger told the British army to keep quiet about all such finds and ship them directly to his black hole in the Treasury? Bush Explains Lack of WoMD "They were looted."    That's why US forces have failed to turn up any chemical or biological weapons in Iraq. "Read my lips, there will be NO European army." That's the gist of what Defence Secretary Geoff (Buff)Hoon said. But it has already been agreed that British troops sent to the Congo will be wearing EU armbands and their vehicles will carry EU flags. So the First Rule of New Labour Politics has been proven again -- if the Minister swears it will never happen, then it already has.

FOOD NEWS Another Little Shock From The Euro Zone! The New EU Flag - the Triple Cross Exotic meat products from the European mainland, such as salami, chorizo and pastrami, may contain a little more than the British consumer expects. Secret agents of the Food Standards Agency ran checks on salami offered for sale in the North East and found that one in eight contained horsemeat as an undeclared ingredient.    Horse and donkey, and ponies from the New Forest and Dartmoor, are usual ingredients of traditional European meat product recipies even if they have never been popular with carnivores in Britain. But it seems that the mainland Europeans are making sure that we insular Brits get our share of horse, even if it is by stealth. EU Agricultural Policy Reformed Nett result -- no change and everyone else will still have to pay a fortune to useless French farmers.

TECHNOLOGY IN ACTION Lie Detectors Banned From The House Battery-powered, palm-top lie detectors have been banned from the chamber of the House of Commons during Questions to the Vice-President. The TruthFinder 9000 is smaller than a pack of sandwiches and, after a little calibration, it offers an accuracy rate in excess of 88%. It is proving to be an essential tool for all those seeking truth in politics.    Not only Tory MPs have been bringing these interesting gadgets into the chamber. Labour MPs, who sit behind V-P Blair and cannot see his nose growing, have been using the lie detecters, but with the audible 'Liar Alarm' switched off, to find out when their leader is having them on.    The Vice-Prez is reported to be extremely annoyed by loud beeps coming from the Opposition benches when he is faking sincerity to the max, as some Torys persist in leaving the 'Liar Alarm' switched on.    Fortunately for the rest of us, the TruthFinder 9000 is very effective with recordings of the subject. And given the V-P's love affair with TV cameras, he has no hope of preventing his lies of mass deception from being detected.    Shame! "One senses that some sort of wind-up was involved in hauling the vice-presidential Spin-Doctor in Chief before a Commons committee with the expectation that he would tell anything like the truth over his dodgy Iraq dossier. About all the gesture achieved was to flatten a lot of batteries in all the covert TruthFinder 9000 lie detectors present."

SPECULATION CORNER Health Secretary Alan Milburn resigns ... ... 'to spend more time with his family'. So what's he done and when are we going to find out what he's done? Trupti Patel Is Innocent, OK! The jury was out for 90 minutes at the end of her trial. The vote declaring her not guilty must have taken all of one minute. So what were they doing for the other 89 minutes? An OBE for Loyd Grossman? Where's mine? p.s. Christopher Ondaajte, who gave V-P Blair's gang £2million, got a knighthood. What can I expect for 50p? Barcelona Bodge-Up If the Boy Beckham isn't bound for Barcelona FC, will the dodgy geezer who got himself elected Prez on the strength of a bogus transfer deal have to quit? A Hot Time In The Old Town ... Will the blaze in Alastair 'Dodgy Dossiers' Campbell's pants start a second Great Fire of London? And will Vice-Prez Blair have to recall the troops from Iraq to help the fire brigade put it out?

FOREIGN NEWS A Strange Silence Phil Williams, a former Plaid Cymru member of the Welsh Parliament, dies of a heart attack in a massage parlour with a 5-star rating in sex guides. But he doesn't get sleazed!    How odd. Berlusconi Ducks A Bullet Italy's PM has joined the Prez of France, Jacques Chirac, in Crooks' Corner. He, too, is immune from prosecution for bribery and corruption as long as he clings to office. All citizens are equal under the law, but top politicians are more equal than anyone else.    So France and Italy have crooks in charge, Israel has a war criminal and we're stuck with Vice-Prez Blair. The Gods certainly have a weird sense of humour.

BOOZE NEWS Vice-Prez Does U-Turn On 24-Hour Drinking It's a politician's instinct to regulate things, like pub opening hours, because the more they can mess the customers around, the happier they are. Vice-Prez Blair is no stranger to control freakery, but he has forced himself to make an exception where pubs are concerned. So they can stay open around the clock, if they so wish.    The reason for the change of heart is far from straightforward. Maximizing revenue to the Treasury comes into it, of course. Co-lateral damage to the Health Service has been ignored as inconvenient. No, the Vice-Prez has worked out that his only hope of getting himself re-elected is to get the whole country too pissed to know what it's doing!

PRISON NEWS Overcrowding Problem -- A Radical New Approach It has been revealed that Dr. Harold Shipman has been working in the hospital wing at Frankland Prison in Durham. The Home Office has refused to comment on speculation that he was put to work as an orderly; wheeling elderly inmates around and collecting their meals; in the hope that he might arrange their early release in a coffin.    Dr. Shipman's activities are said to have gone unnoticed by the prison's staff, and the official reason for his move to Wakefield is to make it easier for his wife to visit him, as she now lives just 24 miles away in West Yorkshire.

LEGAL NEWS Cash For All! -- But Only In The UK Back in 1993, the Belgian government passed a Universal Competence law, which allowed anyone to use the Belgian courts to bring war crimes charges against any person, no matter where the alleged crimes were committed.    The British government is about to follow suit with its forthcoming Universal Compensation law, under which any British citizen will be allowed to bring an action in the British courts to seek compensation from persons or companies of foreign countries for 'distress caused by unreasonable actions'.    Microsoft is expected to be a main target of early cases as people seek compensation for pain and suffering caused by buggy versions of the corporation's Windows operating system and other programs. France Stays True To Form In 1999, Eric De Montgolfier was given the job of tackling sleaze in one of France's most corrupt cities. He is doing such a good job in Nice that the justice ministry wants him to pack it in and accept a transfer elsewhere. Sounds just the thing you'd expect in a country where the Prez would be in gaol if he were not in office.   ADVERTISEMENT The Personal Injury Hotline Do YOU know someone who could benefit from an Accident? Do YOU know someone who deserves an Accident? One of our Personal Accident Management Plans could be just what you are looking for. Do YOU want someone's legs broken? Left or right, it makes no difference to our Personal Accident Practitioners. In fact, they'll break both legs at a 50% discount. *** Be sure to ask about our special whole body service. *** Our prices start at just £99.99 / €173.99 plus NO VAT because we don't believe in it. Full details from PIH (Romiley), Inc., Unit 666, Riverside Drive, Romiley. Not available in Ireland, where paramilitaries have a monopoly on personal injuries.   ADVERTISEMENT Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire! Do YOU suffer from this problem? Then what YOU need is one of our range of commercial and political, personal fire extinguishers. Choose from the BYERS, the HAIN (our popular European model) and the BLAIR MEGA-SYSTEM, which is built to extinguish the blazing trousers of an entire government. Be sure to ask about our special repeat customer discount. Byers Hain the V-P's Pants Blair Mega-System Our prices start at just £49.99 / €86.99 plus NO VAT because we don't believe in it. Full details from Romiley Personal Extinguishers, Unit 999, Riverside Drive, Romiley.   ANNOUNCEMENT Government Action over the Railways CURRENTLY, 21% of trains fail to meet their timetable by 6 minutes or more. The Government has decided to cancel 22% of all rail services immediately to ensure that in future, ALL TRAINS WILL RUN TO TIME. An adjustment in fares of +6.4% will also be made to cover the costs of administration, revision of timetables, etc. Issued for Her Majesty's Government by the Truth In Government Organization.

	Belton, Lincs.  The judiciary are entitled to let criminals off if they think the gaols are getting too full. John Read as Health Secretary!   The Mugger believes in the euro in principle (but he's too much of a control freak to give up his power to meddle with our money). Burglars have the right to sue their victims   A spin-doctor is going to tell anything like the truth. Margaret Hodge, who did nothing about child abuse while commissar of the People's Republic of Islington, as Minister for Children. [Isn't Islington where Vice-Prez Blair is from? Ed.]

Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression. © RAL, June 2003.