2003/October

HOME NEWS Justice delayed is no bloody joke! It took the police and the Can't Prosecute Service 10 months to 'investigate' the case against headmaster David Watkins, who was accused of stuffing a fish into a disruptive yob's gob. It took magistrates in Norwich a day and a half to toss out the prosecution's case because it was based on 'manifestly unreliable evidence'. So what exactly were the state persecutors doing during the 10 months? Infamy! Infamy! They've really got it infamy! In the period January to September of 2003, 419 speeding coppers were caught by Avon & Somerset police but only 1 was prosecuted. Apparently, it's okay for a copper to break the speed limit if he's working. And even if he can't remember which particular job he was doing at the time, it's still okay.    So why did the bastards pick on this one poor bloke? Q. What do Vice-Prez Bliar and a lemming have in common? A. No reverse gear. More compensation culture madness A bloke is claiming 3 grand from the Safeway supermarket chain. He wants it to cover the vet's bills for fixing his dog and legal expenses. Gordon Musselwhite reckons the dog jumped up to grab leaflets pushed through the letterbox and injured itself in the process. And because they were Safeway leaflets, that makes the rich supermarket liable rather then whoever failed to teach the dog to keep its teeth off stuff coming through the letterbox. Motorists beware! CCTV street cameras are now being used to trap illegal parkers. Pause for 2 seconds somewhere you shouldn't, and if the camera can see your number plate, that's another automatic fine on its way. Where do all the guns on the British streets come from? Apparently, the IRA is decommissioning surplus weapons by swapping them for drugs. British gangsters are then unloading the weapons at £200-300 a time at car boot sales in the back streets of Birmingham, etc. Matthew Barret, CEO of Barclays Bank, told the Commons Treasury select committee that he would never borrow money on a credit card because of the rip-off interest rates (or words to that effect). He also advises his kids not to let money pile up on a credit card. Sounds like he's a sensible chap and more than fit to run a major bank. GM crops damage the environment? No, its the weedkillers used with them that kill everything. We thought you ought to know this. p.s. Didn't that nice Mr. Bliar say genetic monstering is okay? Lots of free plugs in the newspapers, including the so-called quality ones, for yet another book cashing in on the late Princess Di. Yawn. Is theGuardian planning to go tabloid? The down-turn in quality is leading its dismayed readers to expect a conversion from a down-market broadsheet to a down-market tabloid quite soon. Headline of the month : Farmer llama drama More Bliar Porkies The Vice-Prez wants us to believe that ex-general John de Chastelain, who watches the IRA mothballing their weapons, gave him confidential information about the latest episode.    "Completely untrue," said Mr. de Chastelain.    What is it about Prime Minister's Questions in the Commons that turns Dr. Blair into Mr. B. Liar?

Don't do this at home, Kiddies! Derren Brown upset the usual suspects with his Russian roulette act almost live on Channel 4. The objectors wanted us to believe that every stupid kid in the country would blow its head off imitating Mr. Brown. But the only people with access to guns are criminals, their relatives and associates of criminals and their relatives. So we're hardly talking about Class 1 people.    Mr. Brown and associates built a whole hour of TV time around whittling thousands of volunteers down to a single assistant. The two of them then retired to a secret location abroad (Jersey) away from UK gun laws. There, the assistant loaded a round into a Smith & Wesson .357 Magnum revolver and fitted a shield over the numbered chambers to hide both ends of the chambers. The assistant then retired behind bullet-proof glass and counted from one to six.    Mr. Brown seemed to deduce, wrongly, that the bullet was in chamber five but he got it right in the end – after a very long 'Houdini' pause. The final result was one live mentalist and no blood and brains all over the floor. Of the 3 million people who watched the show, just 4 sad sacks phoned up to complain.    Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy nearly had his head chewed off by a tiger but not a word of warning about messing with tigers from the usual suspects, even though tigers are about as difficult to come by as firearms for real people. Meanwhile, in the UK, a father of four from Gadalming, Surrey, has been fined a grand for bad behaviour at the David Blaine stunt. Stephen Charles Field, 38, climbed up a scaffolding tower next to Mr. Blaine's box at 3 a.m and set about demolishing his water supply. Mind you, if Mr. Blaine is getting London tap water, or bottled mineral water, Mr. Field was probably doing him a favour!

MEDICAL NEWS Bottled water causes food poisoning The image of the moment is of people wandering around clutching a bottle of water; if they're too poor to hire some serf to carry it for them. So it comes as no surprise to we anarchists to learn that they're not doing themselves any good.    A study of those treated for food poisoning in Cardiff in 2000 blamed 31% of cases on chicken, 21% on salad ingredients and a huge 12% on bottled water. It is 'biologically plausible' that mineral water; particularly spring water exposed to contamination by agricultural waste (animal shit, to the rest of us); could contain campylobacter. And 'campy' holds world records as the most common source of food poisoning. Obesogenia Professor Mike Kelly of the Health Development Agency says we live in 'an obesogenic environment', in which people guzzle vast portions of junk food and sit around idly all day. His agency reckons that 10% of 6-year-olds and 20% of 15-year-olds are clinically obese. A lot of the blame for fat schoolkids falls on the trendy leftys in education, who decided that competitive sports are bad for kids as they produce winners and losers, and expose kids unnecessarily to the real world. Boy Bliar tells UK's Flabbies to shape up Despite blowing £1.6billion of lottery money on sports centres, New Labour has made close to zero impact on the nation's fitness. So the Vice-Prez has ordered Culture-vulture Sec. Tessa Jowell (there's a fattist surname for you!) and Health Sec. John 'Menacing' Reid to get the nation leaping about. Transport Sec. Alastair 'Eyebrows' Darling has also been tasked with winkling fatties out of their cars. Some of the vice-presidential stooges also suggested tax relief on the membership fees for fitness clubs, but they received 'Over my dead body' glares from The Mugger. Which most people would consider a price well worth paying. A study in Spain has shown that cooking vegetables in a microwave destroys most of their antioxidants (good chemicals). Steaming is best for preserving the goodies. Government drops heavy hand on advertisers The government is going to ban adverts for sweets and crisps during children's TV programmes. Like that's going to stop the little fatties guzzling! Of course, what we really need is a band on 'bogverts' – kids sitting around on lavatories – in programmes shown at meal times. But it's probably too much to hope that the New Labour cowboys will ever do anything useful.

POLITICAL NEWS The Mugger Bogs It Up Again The new pension credit scheme was the predicted shambles on opening day. The 30-page form was too complicated for many of those elibible for the payment, as the Treasury planned. Hotlines were no help after computer crashes, and the service was discontinued until people stop ringing up and trying to use the hotline.    The scheme also involves another big swindle by the Mugger in that a pensioner's savings are assumed to yield 10% interest. The pension credit is yet another example of Big Gordy sadistically dangling money just out of reach of his customers because he can't afford to give them anything. Why? Because he has a £40billion black hole in his public spending plans for the current year and he'd need to put 12p on the basic rate of income tax to bridge the gap. Wobble Warning Vice-Prez Bliar is looking for a way to surrender the UK's rebate on our contributions to the EU to further his ambition to become Prez of Europe in due course. In 2002, the UK poured £6.3billion (£2.9billion after our rebate) into the European Union's coffers while Germany paid £3.9billion and the evil French just £300million. The Vice-Prez has announced that he's dead set against the idea of giving his customers any sort of say on the Euro-constitution. So you can forget your referendum, chaps. Ian Deadly Smith says, "No more Mr. Nice." The formerly quiet leader of the Conservative & Unionist Party tried to make a lot of noise at Blackpool in the early part of the month. It was an attempt to get himself noticed by potential customers and to frighten off Tory plotters.    Apparently, the Quiet Man of British politics is under threat from a certain Mr. Maples – the Invisible Man of British politics, usually known as 'John who?'. Maples may (or may not) be conspiring with the Portaloo Fraction, which has a slightly higher recognition factor in Tory politics.    It is Mr. Smith's ambition to repeat the achievements of his father, also called Ian Smith, who won landslide victories in Rhodesian elections before Harold Wilson changed the name of the country to Zimbabwe and let the place go to hell. Someone has obviously mentioned to Mr. Deadly Smith that being quiet and unnoticed is hardly the way to let potential customers know that he exists.    Mr. Smith's Big New Idea is to let the customers know what a bog Vice-Prez Bliar is making of everything. But he is reported to be having serious problems with knowing where to start. The Boy Bliar has decided to dump Home Secretary Blunk's ID card scheme, which should make him a bit more popular with customers who were expected to stump up 42 quid for one! Sir Kevin Tebbit, permanent secretary at the Ministry of Defence, seems to be in hot water. Apparently, he covered up fraud and corruption and ignored a BAe Systems slush fund, which was used to pay bribes to win contracts in Saudia. But, hang on, isn't that the way things work there? You pay your bung and you get something? And hang on even more – isn't that the way New Labour works, too? So what's all the fuss about?    Afterthought: It must be tough for poor old Tebbit, stuck permanently at the secretary level with no hope of advancement. Boy Bliar fakes heart attack to get out of admitting to the Commons that he's stitched us up with the other European leaders over the EU constitution? The government is denying that it has plans to tax profits on house sales – so be warned, the Mugger is planning to sneak it in as another Stealth Tax. Stealth Tax No. 63 – an increase of up to eightfold on the stamp duty on leases for retail premises. Stealth Tax #64 The mugger is going to double the Airport Tax.

WAR NEWS We Got It Wrong 1-3 1. Robin Cook reckons Vice-Prez Bliar knew that Saddam Hussein had no WoMD in March, before the Iraq War. How does he know? Because the V-P told him just that. 2. The great ricin factory scare in London in January was all a false alarm. Used by the Vice-Prez to justify his 'rush to war' mood, the original optimism from Porton Down has proved to be over-inflated. No ricin was detected in the samples taken from the 'factory' flat. 3. Sending the tanks on an outing to Heathrow in February was a complete waste of time. No airliners were in danger of being shot out of the sky. The government was taken in by bogus information from an Al Qaida criminal. Nothing much has turned up in Iraq in the way of WoMD, apart from one small vial of botox which is 10 years old, but French anti-aircraft missiles have been found there. The UN imposed an arms embargo on Iraq 13 years ago but the Roland missiles were built this year. Those perfidious Frogs up to their dirty tricks again? Alastair Campbell has opted for the Nuremberg Defence on the issue of feeding Dr. David Kelly to the meeja. I was only following orders, he told the audience of an Irish TV chat show. The orders, by implication, having been issued by Vice-Prez Bliar. France and Germany say no to cash for Iraq unless they get to run the country and handle all the rebuilding contracts (and cop for all the profits from them). US Army introduces 'Letter Home' service A great many of the US troops in Iraq can't be bothered writing home. Now, they can take advantage of a scheme which provides them with a glowing essay about the Coalition's post-war achievements in Iraq. All the troops have to do is sign their name at the bottom and post it – and then enjoy the benefit of a rosy internal glow from knowing that they've done their duty by the folks back home. More French rockets have been used in a terror attack on a Baghdad hotel. Our perfidious 'allies' seem to be determined to get their kilo of flesh out of Iraq one way or another.

FOREIGN NEWS Get Arnie at all costs Gubernatorial candidate in California Arnold Schwarzengroper was obliged to apologize to his potential customers for getting handy on film sets. He has 'behaved badly while being playful' in the past, he admitted, and he's sorry he did it if it costs him votes.    Big Arnie had his opponents really worried in the final stages of the campaign and they felt obliged to play every card they could think of, including the Nazi card, as Arnie hails from Austria. But as he's white and male, his opponents could not be accused of racialism. [Note: Arnie is not Sieg Heiling in the picture (left).]    Following his triumph in the election, Big Arnie is expected to spend a few months in sunny California before moving to England to take over the role of Leader of Her Majesty's Opposition from Ian Smith, who seems to be something of a Neil Kinnock as far as making the Tories electable is concerned.    Once he has learned the ropes, which should take no more than a few weeks, Mr. Schwarze-nigger (as some head-banger on ITN insisted on calling him) will take over the Vice-Prez role from that busted flush Mr. Bliar. His next step up will be to the job of Prez of the USA at the next election there - once that inconvenient rule about having to be born in the USA to be Prez has been abolished.    Anarchists everywhere wish him well. The US Supreme Court has ruled that insane murderers can be forced to take drugs which will make them sane enough to be executed and no longer a drain on the prison system's resources. French Prime Minister Jean-Pierre Raffarin reckons every member country of the EU should hold a referendum on the EU constitution. Vice-Prez Bliar dismissed the idea as just another dig at his holy self. The US government has admitted arming 3 Israeli submarines with cruise missiles fitted with nuclear warheads. Talk about hurling a tankerload of petrol onto a raging conflagration ... Adolf bounces back into the news Adolf, the mongrel dog, and his owner, Roland Tach, are in trouble again. The Berlin police questioned Mr. Tach after he and his hound were seen giving each other Hitler salutes. Mr. Tach is also said to like wearing teeshirts bearing pictures of the former Führer and a Hitler-style toothbrush moustache.    (Swastikas and other Nazi symbols, such as the Hitler salute, are currently illegal in Germany. They don't like anyone to mention the War.)    Back in July of this year, Mr. Tach seemed to be heading for gaol but the judicial process is dragging its feet. The original offence dates back to March, 2002 and the situation is complicated by the fact that Mr. Tach faces a sanity hearing. A spokeswoman for the Berlin criminal court said that Adolf would not be called as a witness against his master.    Adolf seems to have received a measure of support from Ms Carola Ruff of a Berlin animal welfare group. She sees nothing strange in his behaviour as raising a paw comes naturally to dogs. She added that while a dog can be trained to do almost anything its master wants, the training can also be reversed with lots of love and dog biscuits.    Roland Tach is facing up to 3 years in gaol if convicted and Adolf could get a new master. But if he found to be only following orders, Adolf is innocent and unlikely to be locked up as well. China's First Astronaut? Conspiracy theorists are beavering away on this month's big news from the Orient. And given the culture of secrecy surrounding Communist regimes, they seem to be on fertile ground. The Chinese government was too frightened of an embarrassing failure to let anyone watch the alleged launch of their first spaceman in a clone of a Russian Soyuz capsule.    This disconnection between the 'launch event' and the 'landing' of the Shenzhou V capsule in Mongolia has played right into the hands of the conspiracy buffs. If people can 'prove' that the Apollo Moon landings never took place, what chance do the secretive Chinese have?    A Chinese astronaut? Nah, it was all staged in a film studio in downtown Peking. Well, it could have happened like that. An EU report alleges that Vice-Prez Bliar's Britain is now the cannabis capital of Europe and it has put the Dutch well into the shade.

SPORTS NEWS Turkey to be chucked out of UEFA? The fun and games over the England-Turkey football match this month is likely to lead to a review of Turkey's eligibility for European competitions. The first major objection to Turkey's participation in them is that Turkey is in Asia, not Europe, and disqualified on geography grounds. A more serious stumbling block is that it has a violent population, many of whom are routinely armed with knives or worse, and supporters of foreign football teams are not safe there.    Couple the above with an oppresive ruling regime, which deports England's football fans when they dare to set foot in the country, often after lengthy periods of imprisonment without refreshments, and serious doubts arise over whether we Europeans should associate with the Turks. Boy Beckham Bogs Penalty The tedium of a goalless draw seems fitting for the Big Match in Turkey. The Turks had the small consolation of seeing England's captain slip as he took a penalty kick and blast the ball into outer space, but that was all they had to gloat over. And talking about fans, should the Turkish ones have been there at all? If their country is too dangerous for England's fans to visit, then maybe the match should have been played in an empty stadium for a purely television audience. "In the interests of fairness," to quote Vince McMahon, that prime exponent of sporting entertainment.   ADVERTISEMENT WHO is looking after YOUR website right now? A. A friend. B. That web designer bloke. C. The guy with the beard. D. What? Don't trust a vital asset like your website to any old Joe. Guys with beards ALWAYS know what they're doing! Trust no one else. www.GuysWithBeards.co.uk your first stop for website design & maintenance

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	Persecuting Ian Deadly Smith with silly stories about his wife not acting as his social secretary when it's common practice in the Commons to give jobs to relatives. Taking Merseyside's yobs to Alton Towers on October 30th in the hope that they'll be too shagged out to cause Halloween mayhem.

Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression. © RAL, October 2003.