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The Derek Conway Awards

BlackFlag News is ready to accept nominations for this prestigious new award, which will be made to the person who exposes the worst public sector scandal of 2008 through being exposed for his/her own scandalous behaviour.
   The award was inspired by the fate of the eponymous disgraced Tory MP, who was caught in the act of paying taxpayers' cash to members of his own family for research jobs requiring no actual work

Crime News
Built-in sleaze?

The police can't touch Derek Conway, they reckon, because his accounts are full of holes and the rules of conduct for MPs have been left deliberately vague to help MPs get away with almost anything.

Vote targetting

Does the Democrats fielding a presidential candidate called O'Bama look like a blatant bid for the Irish vote? And is it any less disgraceful than Republican Senator 'Oven Chips' McCain's story that he's descended from Robert the Bruce, which is just a bid for the Scottish vote?

black squareThe urge for something else
What's so bloody marvellous about change? We Brits got a change of government in 1997 and ended up with sleaze and cronyism on an epic scale, masses of Stealth Taxes, which were wasted when the government wasn't handing them to its pals, and an illegal war in Iraq based on manufactured evidence of weapons of mass destruction.
   Change? Who needs it!

"Not me, Gov!" says Mr. Stability

eyebrowsPiling on new Stealth Taxes at the Budget is nothing new but the current chancellor, a.k.a. Him with the Eyebrows, has taken the unusual step of blaming his crisis on 10 years of labour misrule.
   The bloke who had the job before him, a.k.a. The Mugger, spent the nation's money like a drunken sailor, maxed out all of the nation's credit cards and lied about the amount of debt he'd run up, and failed to save for a rainy day. He was aided and abetted by the previous prime minister, a.k.a. Smug Bugger, who let him get away with it. So if Mr. Eyebrows is having to invent new Stealth Taxes, it's only to fill the brown black hole in public spending and not anything he enjoys doing. Or so he says.

black squareThe Brown Hole in Britain's finances has grown by £7 billion since the last government guesses were made in November, 2007.

black squareThe government is doing nothing about repairing the damage which it has done to the economy before the next general election in the hope that the Tories will be stuck with the job of cleaning up labour's mess.


Can't stop smoking?
Won't stop smoking?

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Change your take on his vital issue to: "Can't smoke, Won't smoke".
   If all else fails, get tough with the problem!

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Believe It Or What!

black squareGuardian internal headline, 2008/03/01
"Ex-Islamists start modern thinkthank"

black squareFreedom of Information under labour
Someone asks for data, the government stalls until it has shredded the documents, then it puts on a smug smile and says that the information is no longer available.
UpdateAll bogus expenses claims made by MPs up to April 2005 have already been fed to the House of Commons' shredders.

black squaremargaret hodge, sometime minister for covering up child abuse, is the MP for Barking. Now, you couldn't make that up!

clownSomething else you couldn't make up
Ever wondered why there are so many illegal migrants in this country? The reason why they're here is that the Home Office lets them flood in unchecked because it doesn't operate border controls effectively, and it has none at all in the evening and at weekends, and it has illegals arrested if they try to sneak out of Britain!

black squareCrooks' Charter
Ever looked at a junk-mail catalogue and wondered what sort of idiot pays £100 for a coffee machine? Well, MPs do – but they're not the idiot. The real idiot is the taxpayer, who gets ripped off for this amount when MPs spend their £22,000 on fitting out a second home. Much of the cash is paid out without the need for a receipt, which means there's nothing to stop a spiv from buying a coffee machine for eight quid at Woolies and pocketing the difference.

black squareA Reader Writes:
Am I alone in finding something distasteful in being called 'Dear Customer' in letters from HM Revenue & Customs? Surely 'Dear Victim' or 'Dear Mug' would be more honest & appropriate.
[Since when did you get honesty from a government department under a labour government? Especially this one. Ed.]

black squareOut of sight, never mind?
The government thinks hiding cigarettes 'under the counter' will stop people smoking. This is at a time when scotch gordon is blowing thousands of pounds of taxpayers' cash on building an outdoor smoking shelter at Downing street to encourage smoking.

  Another brilliant idea from Brussels

climate change sloganThe EU, which keeps telling us it's saving the planet, wants drivers to leave their headlights on permanently and increase their fuel consumption by 5%. The scheme, which is supposed to be about road safety, is entirely inappropriate for countries south of Norway and it will dump billions of tons of unnecessary carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. Crazy or what!

climate change sloganA note of dissent
In Canada and the northern states of the USA, this year's 'Winter From Hell' is breaking records for awfulness going back to 1873. China, Afghanistan and Tibet have all suffered record low temperatures and months of snow, and there has been snow in Palestine.
   Against this background, a conference of climatologists in New York has concluded that attempts by the world's governments to reduce carbon dioxide levels in the atmosphere will 'markedly diminish further prosperity' while having 'no appreciable impact' on the Earth's climate.
   It will come to no surprised to readers of these pages to learn that our chancellor, a.k.a. him with the eyebrows, is planning to 'decarbonize' road transport in his budget as the brown government continues to steal cash from the British people while pretending it is able to affect the Earth's climate.

climate change slogan"Can tony blair stop global warming?"
Stopping up his mouth with superglue to check the outflow of hot air would be a good start.

climate change sloganAnother labour swindle exposed
The National Audit Office has discovered that the government is lying about Britain's carbon dioxide emissions. [No surprise there, then! Ed.] There are 2 different systems in use. One provides artificially low figures, which the government uses to 'prove' that it's reducing carbon dioxide emissions for propaganda purposes.
   The other system, which includes everything left out of the propaganda figures, shows that since 2003, there has been zero reduction in the rate of carbon dioxide emissions; which is why this system's results have been hidden. Until now.

climate change sloganThey're not there to set examples
Our hypocritical labour government, which is telling the rest of us we need to give up gas-guzzling cars to save the planet, is swanning around in a fleet of the worst gas-guzzlers and has no plans to change its behaviour.

climate change sloganEvidence? Who cares about that?
Despite all the alleged global warming that's supposed to be going on, the skiing season in the Alps, which began two weeks early, has been extended for two weeks beyond the normal closing date. Spit the bones out of that, all you doom-mongers!


  'Chemical' Ali Hassan

The man who organized mass murder of rebellious Kurds for Saddam Hussein in the 1980s is to be hanged this month.
   He was responsible for gassing Kurds by the thousand and also for wiping out Shia rebels in the south of Iraq when George Bush Senior failed to support them after the 1991 war to evict Iraq from Kuwait.
   The King of Spades in the pack of cards featuring Iraq's most wanted war criminals, he was arrested in August 2003, some 5 months after George Bush Jr.'s invasion.


Ian Paisley from politics (in May)

Foghorn Leghorn's alter ego is bowing out of Irish politics under a cloud. The man who made it his mission to let the British government in London hear him yelling "Ulster says NO!" from his own doorstep in Belfast upset his own party by cosying up to the IRA faction in the Ulster parliament after the dirty deal was done. Which proved terminal. But only in the sense of being allowed to retire rather than bullet-in-the-back-of-the-head terminal.
   His message is that having defeated the IRA, and watched its leadership sell out the cause in favour of sponging off the British taxpayer in the Stormont parliament, he has nothing left to achieve.


Eliot 'Mr. Clean' Spitzer from the job of governor of New York state

He made a name for himself as a smasher of prostitution rackets while spending $80K on hookers over the last 10 years. He has turned out to be typical of the class of politician who think the rules don't apply to them. But such arrogance, for once, has received its come-uppance, and there may be criminal charges to follow if some dirty deal doesn't go down. Like money-laundering, tax evasion and transporting prostitutes across state lines.


Yahoo! (from Britain)

10 years of labour misrule have made the British corporate tax system so uncompetitive that one of the major internet companies feels that it can save lots of money by relocating in Switzerland. The complex and confused mass of regulations introduced by a control-freak chancellor called broon are to blame. While Switzerland is a hellishly expensive place to live, its tax laws are easy to understand and they don't keep changing every 5 minutes, and the tax rates for businesses are lower than in Britain.


Sir A. C. Clarke

Books by Arthur Clarke

The science fiction writer and visionary, who came up with the concept of communication satellites in a stationary orbit in 1945, has died at 90. Born in Somerset, he served in the RAF as a radar specialist during World War II, when he became involved with Manchester's science-fiction, space-travel and rocketry fans.
   He moved to Ceylon for the scuba diving in 1956 and continued creating a vast canon of classic science-fiction short stories and novels, non-fiction books and articles, and scripts for films and TV shows. The 'best ever' science fiction film, Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey was (loosely) based on one of Sir Arthur's short stories.


Brian Wilde

The actor who played Mr. Barraclough in Porridge and 'Foggy' Dewhurst in The Last of the Summer Wine has died at 80. He began his acting career in the mid-1960s in films and TV, and his part in a one-off Ronnie Barker TV comedy led to his regular role in 4 seasons of Porridge. He joined the cast of The Last of the Old Fellers in 1976, stayed for 9 years, took 5 years off then returned for a further 7 years after 'Seymour Utterthwaite' left. He is still to be seen most days in digital TV heaven on the UKTV Drama channel.


Brett Favre from the NFL

Brett Favre Brett Favre

One of the icons of American Crunch has retired holding a shedload of records (until they make offense even easier and the records all evaporate). His career began in September 1992, and he went on to start an amazing 275 consecutive matches (including playoffs).
   Brett Favre spent 16 seasons as a Green Bay Packer and helped to bring some glory back to Title Town as a member of the team which won Super Bowl 31 in January 1997. His record of 160 wins and 93 losses in the regular season is the top score in the NFL.
   He will be remembered for his toughness, his hard work on and off the American football field and for being the sort of gun-slinger who can win a match in the last 2 minutes; or throw the match away. He is currently the league's only three-times Most Valuable Player, and you can still get a Packers No. 4 Replica Jersey from a mere $79.95 or an 'Authentic' one from $179.95.


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Scroungers man the barricades

clunking coinSurprise! A survey has found that the MPs who have the highest expenses claims are fighting hardest to prevent proper scrutiny of their claims. Which confirms that the biggest scroungers are working the biggest fiddles and worried about losing a cushy job when their crimes are exposed.

black flagsUnintended consequence of class envy
The art gallery industry is quaking in its boots over the government's plan to stick one of scotch gordon's stealth taxes on non-domicile foreigners. If it happens, non-doms are expected to move abroad, take their paintings and other art works with them, and stop making donations to British galleries.

black squareEasy come, easy go
The big banks have had to repay £550 million stolen from customers via rip-off charges for unauthorized overdrafts, etc. HSBC is the biggest offender. Its repayments are reported to have reached £122 by the end of last month.

black flagsOiling the wheels
The 'everything is for sale' culture fostered by the labour party is rife in the top state schools, which are selling places to parents who make the highest 'voluntary' contributions to the school's funds. Standing orders, cheques and credit cards are all welcome, and even brown envelopes of cash are acceptable.

black flagsSpivs' Charter dented a little
MPs will have to produce receipts for every purchase over £25 from next month (down from £250) and they will get only £50/month in petty cash for office expenses (also down from £250). But they will still be able to claim, without producing receipts, 350 miles of travel expenses per month, whether they go anywhere or not, and £400/month for food bought away from home.

goldThe Brown Bottom exposed
The price of gold hit $1,000 per troy ounce for the first time ever this month. Britain used to have quite a lot of it until scotch gordon decided to sell off half of the country's reserve in 1999/2000. He did it at the bottom of the market, and he was stupid enough to announce the sale well in advance, ensuring that the price tumbled before his bargain sale went ahead at an average price of $275/ounce. Which only goes to underline how totally crap he is.

black flagsCompensationisto gets short shrift #1
A bloke, who tried to extract £315,815 from Marks & Sparks for physical & psychological damage, had his case tossed by the judge. He claimed that he had skidded on an M&S grape outside one of their stores. The judge ruled that there was no proof that the alleged grape had caused him to slip, or that it had come from the M&S store, and ordered the guy to pay £15,000 of the defence costs.

black flagsCompensationisto gets short shrift #2
A compulsive gambler blew £2 million then tried to get it back from the bookies on the grounds that William Hill owed him a duty of care. The judge disagreed. And even though the guy had blown another third of a million quid on legal costs, the system has let him gamble on an appeal with the prospect of losing even more cash to the legal profession.

scotch gordonDefinitively useless
The Financial Services Authority has admitted that it failed to keep an eye on the criminally negligent business practices of the management of the Northern Rock bank.
   AND WORSE, if the FSA had found out what was going on, it wouldn't have been able to do anything about it!
   We have our good friend scotch 'mr. prudence' gordon to thank for putting such an effective 'regulator' in place.


Shoot the messenger, ignore the problem

X-ray machineLast month, Lord Mancroft lambasted the Royal United Hospital, Bath, over its filthy wards and slack staff. The labour establishment launched an immediate sleaze campaign against him. This month, the hospital has been forced to close 3 wards because of its third outbreak of norovirus since November 2007. QED!

black squareCry poverty and get laughed at
The BBC has paid £200 million for Formula One. ITV paid only £150 million for its 5 year deal and wanted out of that deal early rather than an extension. So there must be more than plenty of dosh sloshing around at the Beeb.

Home News
UK FlagTerminally Bonkers

The government wants to close down the world famous, and world class, Jodrell Bank radio telescope to save £2.7 million – an amount which would struggle to pay the expenses of 16.8 greedy MPs. This attempt at scientific vandalism comes as an £8 million upgrade programme involving Jodrell Bank is approaching completion.
   The telescope opened for business in 1957, when it was the only one in the world capable of tracking the Soviet Union's newly launched Sputnik satellite. Its operators have been making amazing discoveries out in space for the last half century. But they have evidently not managed to impress labour's bean-counters.

black squareThe Lie is Truth
The labour election manifesto promise of a referendum on the EU constitution was shunted onto a sideline when the government voted not to have one on the Lisbon Treaty on the grounds that it's nothing like the constitution (well, 2% of it isn't).

black flagsThe others have been encouraged enough now
A campaign has begun to obtain a pardon for Admiral John Byng, who was executed in 1757 on the orders of a corrupt government, which let him down as badly as new labour has let down the British troops, who have been sent out to fight wars in the last 10 years. Admiral Byng was deprived of ships and men, and told to defend Menorca against a superior French fleet, which was already on the spot. He was murdered by the state when he failed to deliver an impossible victory to deflect attention away from the real villains; the government of the day.

black squareHeather Mills is appealing against a divorce settlement of twenty-odd million quid in her ass-kicking contest with Sir P. McCartney. We agree. She should definitely pay him a whole lot more than that.

clowneddie balls-speak for beginners
The original : "My claim is based on 'unverifiable desk research'."
Translation : "I made it up while counting my paperclips."
Hilary Clinton-speak for beginners
The original : "When I said I had to run for my life from snipers in Bosnia 12 years ago when I was Mrs. President Clinton, I 'mis-spoke'."
Translation : "I was lying deliberately to make myself look brave."

black squareRead this and weep
The prices of essentials – petrol, staple foods, power & gas, etc. – went up by 40% in the last year.
Update • The average household bill went up by £1,400 over the last year
 • The government says inflation is running at 2%
 • Which means that the average household income is £70,000/year.
   Anyone believe that?

black squarePresident Sarkozy popped across the Channel with his wife for a couple of days to prove that French politicians can talk at least as much crap as their British counterparts. He succeeded in embarrassing scotch gordon thoroughly by praising most of Britain's past achievements for which new labour has apologized.


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space news
Europe's Automated Transfer Vehicle flies!

Jules VerneNamed Jules Verne after the French master of science fiction, the first of these vehicles needed a beefed-up Ariane 5 rocket to launch it toward the International Space Station. The ATV is designed to deliver 9 metric tons of equipment and supplies into space, and to dock automatically at the ISS.
   Humans are required to do nothing more than bite their nails anxiously as computers steer something the size of a London double-decker bus in their direction.
   When docked to the ISS, the module will become a repository for the space station's garbage, and it can look forward to being undocked in about 6 months' time and allowed to burn up in the Earth's atmosphere. Which seems rather a waste of something which costs €300 million to build and launch.
   The Russian space industry had to have watched the launch with mixed feelings, having lost its anticipated monopoly on resupplying the ISS when the US shuttle fleet is grounded after 2010.

More unintended consequences

Where are the bogus refugees and asylum seekers lurking? Quite a lot of them are living at airports on the quiet. The owners have made them so welcoming that people with nowhere else to go are dressing up as travellers, enjoying the facilities and trying to look like people who have just arrived or who are waiting to go somewhere.

Better Out Than InSur votre bicyclette, M'sieu!
A hippy bloke's plan to scrounge his way across Europe and Asia to Ghandi's birthplace hit the buffers in Calais. He couldn't speak French, so he was unable either to explain his mission or to ask for vegan food. So he had to reverse course back to Britain, around which he plans to wander for the next year or so.

black flagsLoud noise in South America, not many dead
Pres Chavez of Venezuela is suffering from another episode of ASS (Attention-Seeking Syndrome). He's rattling sabres along the Colombian border after the Colombian army killed a Colombian terrorist leader at a camp in Ecuador and found a laptop with evidence that Venezuela is supporting the FARC terrorist group. As Venezuela's army is a joke compared to Colombia's, and the country is heavily dependent on its $6 billion per year trade with Colombia, the collected passports of the Venezuelan army are unlikely to get much exercise.

black flagsToo fat to move!
The reason why German troops are never to be found at the world's hot-spots has finally been revealed. 40% of them are too fat to be seen in public without attracting derision from the enemy. Even their own officers admit that compared to British troops, they're just pathetic.

black flagsShambles as usual
A good place to avoid if you're going abroad is Heathrow's newly opened Terminal 5, where the escalators and lifts don't work. Dozens of flights were cancelled on the opening day, anyone who did get airborne did so without their luggage and the customers were left hanging around for hours with no one telling them what the hell was going on.
   Oh, yes. And there's nowhere for the staff to park, not enough staff are employed and a shambles over security checks makes everyone at least 2 hours late for work.
   Some people see this triumph of incompetence over expectation as the Spanish owners of the airport taking belated revenge on the English for seeing off their Armadas in the 16th century.

black squareThe BBC, which keeps on pleading poverty, is sending 437 trippers to the Peking Olympic Games. Great Britain can afford to send only 300 competitors.

New role for NATO

The former military alliance is being transformed to meet the consequences of a warmer climate and more extensive summer thaws in the Arctic. NATO resources will be redeployed in newly accessible regions here to stop Russia from marching in and annexing everything in sight on the basis of dodgy geography and/or geology.

black flagsManaged democracy
Iran, like Russia, has found the perfect answer to democracy. Anyone whose views the ruling party doesn't like isn't allowed to stand as a candidate, and vote-rigging is necessary only to cover up the embarrassingly low turn-out (why vote when there's no choice?) not to fix the result, which is predetermined by default.

clownNose in the trough and he don't care
eddie balls, a scotch gordon crony, thinks labour's answer to every challenge should be "So what?" (Except when it would have appeared in Hansard, if he'd not had it changed. Ed.) He trotted his catch phrase out when Dave the Leader mentioned that the tax burden under labour is at a record level. And he'd no doubt repeat it if anyone dared to mention that Eddie & his missus collect £600,000 (plus pension) between them from the taxpayer EVERY BLOODY YEAR.

black flagsA Lot of Inconvenient Truth
The Ministry of Defence is trying to gag the Oxford coroner, who holds inquests on service personnel killed in Iraq and Afghanistan, and who has been exposing where the blame lies for these deaths. The MoD is demanding the power to censor his findings so that it can paper over the contribution which its negligence and incompetence made to the deaths.
UpdateThe government has chosen not to renew the contract of Andrew Walker, the Oxford coroner, as he is making too many waves for the liking of Defence Sec. des brown.

black flagsAnother blair bog-up wastes £200 million
IRA terrorist M. McGuinness, now part of the Ulster government, is reported to have said that the Bloody Sunday inquiry was totally unnecessary and an apology would have been quite sufficient. So we await with unbated breath, an apology from the man accused of starting all the trouble.

black squareCould scaremongering be the last refuge of a scoundrel?
The prime monster has come up with another Big Idea. He's going to scare the nation to death with imaginary threats in an effort (Doomed to failure, Ed.) to make people appreciate him a bit. He also thinks a force of wardens like Mr. Hodges of Dad's Army would be a good idea for times of crisis.

black flagsSome preliminary posturing before business as usual
The new government in Pakistan has told the United States that operations in its badlands are now off the agenda and the country will be an even safer haven for Islamic terrorists now that Pres. Musharaf is a busted flush.
   Of course, this attitude may change when reality kicks in and the new regime realizes just how much US aid is at stake.

black flagsBone-heads only by request
The guys at the Pentagon are so good at arms procurement that they gave $300 million for buying bullets to a 22-year-old criminal with a fake driving licence. The ammunition which he acquired at car boot sales in Eastern Europe was 40 years old and in such bad condition that the US government had to pay out even more cash to have it destroyed safely.

world news
Democracy, Russian style

Public sector workers in the former Soviet empire are being told that they can vote for anyone they like as long as they support the Putin ticket. With an implied 'or else'. Why? Because their bosses have to meet a target of a 72% vote for the Putin ticket, they're worried about being caught cheating and they want to keep the amount of necessary fraud to a minimum.
UpdateDmitry Medvedev collected just 70% of the vote in the rigged election, so Putin stooges are now trembling in their boots and wondering if they will be praised for moderating the cheating or sacked for failing to cheat hard enough to make the target of 72%.

black squareThe new world democracy
scotch gordon offered his congratulations to the new Russian figurehead just before, so the rumour goes, he sent a team of labour election riggers to Russia to find out how the Medvedev Swindle can best be adapted to a British general election. Because there's no way he can win one honestly.

black flagsWeird lot, these religious fanatics!
The Catholic Church has dug up the body of a monk who died 40 years ago so that the corpse can be put on public display. The deceased claimed he suffered from stigmatic bleeding and he is alleged to have performed miracle cures.

black flagsThe Opiate of the People
A professor at Jerusalem University has made a break through while reading the Bible. He realized that all the miracles; burning bushes, staffs turning into serpents, etc.; sounded uncannily like episodes from his own druggie experiments. And as for the 10 Commandments, Moses was too stoned to come down a mountain without dropping and breaking stone tablets, so they obviously weren't concocted until he came back down to Earth again. Which takes all the guilt out of ignoring them!

Better Out Than InThis should make their eyes water!
The Council of Europe is sending john prescott, Britain's sometime deputy prime monster, to Albania as the head of a 'uman rights delegation. He's supposed to help to defuse a political row caused by allegations of election fraud. But all the Albanians are likely to end up with is an extra crisis when prescott slugs someone, who has dared to mention the British labour party's history of electoral fun & games.

black flagsThe Yellow Spam Peril
China has more internet users than any other country and most of them claim to be bank workers, who have found millions of dollars stashed in a dormant account. At least, that's what they claim in the email spams which they deluge onto the rest of the world.

black flagsBe Prepared!
President Mug has ordered 9 million ballot forms for Zimbabwe's up-coming general election. Given an electoral roll of 5.9 million, he either expects his illiterate population to spoil a lot of ballot papers or he's getting an early start on a landslide win.

This Month's Garbage

The Garbage All the slimy politicians who tried to turn Lord Mancroft's specific comments on the quality of the service that he received in the Royal United hospital at Bath into an unfocussed assault on the entire nursing profession.

South Hams district council, which won't put CCTV in crime hot spots because, the council reckons, it infringes the 'uman rights of criminals. Culture Minister margaret hodge, who thinks the Proms should be abolished because they don't appeal to people who aren't interested in culture. Culture Minister margaret hodge, who thinks the Proms should be abolished because they don't appeal to people who aren't interested in culture.

Lord goldsmith and his half-baked 'Britishness plan'. It's typical tripe from a government which has done its level best to undermine the British identity and pervert it for its own devious purposes since taking office.

The government's decision to abolish illegal immigrants and call them climate change refugees instead.

The racialist & sexist Justice Minister harriet harperson, who sees nothing wrong with legalizing discrimination against while males.

Heather Mills, who wouldn't know real life if she tripped over it, according to the judge who heard her divorce.

The Northamptonshire Constabulary, which is investigating a glove puppet called Basil Brush on charges of racialism.

Dry cleaners, according to Which? magazine, which found that most of them are crap at removing stains and great at shrinking garments.

Home Information Packs, according to Which? magazine. They're the worst piece of consumer legislation in 50 years.

Estate agents, who are so desperate to prevent customers from seeing HIPs that they come up with all sorts of weak excuses like "The dog ate it."

Only the labour party could give the job of Schools Minister to an idiot like jim knight, who thinks having classes of 70 kids is a good idea. As one kid emailed to the BBC, by the time they'd called the register, it would be playtime!

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