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New Olympic sports for new labour

TEAMgb • Individual and synchronized lying
 • Being in charge without being responsible for disasters
 • Making bogus grovelling apologies
 • Devising new Stealth Taxes
 • Expanding the public sector
 • Politicizing the civil service
 • Soliciting and covering up sleazy funding
 • Shedding responsibility for being involved in sleaze
 • Setting Targets & offering guarantees that they will be met this time
 • Missing Targets & explaining why it wasn't the government's fault

&Watch out for March 15th, mate!
The Democratic party has heaved a sigh of relief now that Mr. O'Bama has accepted its nomination for the upcoming presidential election. [Like he was ever likely to say no! Ed.] More worrying for the party, he seems to be setting himself up as a Julius Caesar figure (without the successful military career and the writings while will still be in print in a couple of thousand years). So all the Kennedy comparisons might just go a little further than expected.

"US Navy trashed my ride," says English Councilman.

Special report from Raoul Mercedes y Peruka Mendonca, Annapolis, MD.

plane crash N3504XHis work as a news cameraman for ITN has taken James Nicholas, now serving as an independent councilman for Tytherington (reputed to be the East L.A. of Macclesfield County), to the world's hot-spots – Iraq, Rwanda, Chechnya, Northern Ireland, Romania during the revolution and Sarajevo's "sniper's alley".
   When he visited the United States, he used to be able to enjoy some relaxation and recreation at the controls of his own airplane. Not any more!
   Two weeks after leasing it to the US Navy for use between trips to his favourite ski resort in Vermont, James received an email telling him that their chief instructor had totaled the plane with an 'unfortunate' landing.
   Disappointed but not downhearted, and showing true British grit, James is now thinking of using the insurance money to buy himself a helicopter!

Now we know why it's called "Team GB"
scotch gordon broon is planning to claim it's his team and he's entitled to nick all the gold medals and sell them off at about one-quarter of their true value.

@Rural contractions
The Royal Mail is escaping from its obligation to deliver everywhere at a uniform price by inventing bogus 'elf 'n' safety grounds. Everywhere off the beaten track is at risk. Followed by everywhere not in a large town.

  The Technology Solution!

climate change sloganThe Chinese government is diverting the output of 2 new coal-fired power stations to a wind farm on the edge of Peking. The bright idea is to feed vast amounts of power to the wind turbines to drive them in reverse and blast smog and foul air away from the city during the Olympic games.
UpdateWe have received a note from an official Chinese source advising us that the above information is incorrect. Exactly which information is incorrect; the number of power stations, etc.; remains unclear.

climate change sloganFood for thought
The United States has 10,000 wind turbines in operation at a multitude of different sites. They produce a total of 4.5 gigaWatts (when the wind is blowing at the right speed). The coal-fired Drax power station in Yorkshire produces 4 gigaWatts at a single site.

climate change sloganTake your own oxygen time?
The Chinese government has forced a British-run website to stop posting data on air pollution in Peking, so things must be really bad there.

climate change sloganYou can tell it's the silly season . . .
. . . when theGrauniad devotes most of its front page to a story claiming that everyone in the country gets through 4,641 litres of water every day. Wow! Big let-down in the small print, though. Most of the water turns out to be 'virtual' water, or water that doesn't exist. So there's no need to worry about things like each single green bean from Kenya counting as 4 litres of 'virtual' water in the daily total.

climate change sloganWind farms are lethal to bats
Dead bats have been found in large numbers around European and North American wind farms for ages. Now, a gang of Canadian researchers at Calgary have come up with an explanation; bats can't handle the low-pressure zones generated by turbine blades and their lungs burst. So a rush to wind power means the end of the bat.
   "Whether this is a good or bad thing depends on whether or not you like bats," a spokesman for the European Federation of Wind-Harnessing Concerns commented.

climate change sloganWho cares if it rains a bit more?
The latest REALLY BIG IDEA for dealing with aggressive rain due to global warming is . . . roof gardens. They will soak up the excess water, prevent floods and save the world. And if a few buildings collapse and kill their occupants due to the extra load imposed on the roof by the weight of water, well, tough!

Night Flowers by Philip H. TurnerRecycled Offer

BlackFlag News is pleased to re-announce that this ground-breaking work by one of Romiley's most distinguished authors can be read on-line.   This is the way recycling has to go!

   Read the Book on the Romiley Literary Circle website
   Read about the Book and the author's other works on the Romiley Literary Circle website

Category : The future of recycling in a violent & lawless society.

Crime News
Just a bit off target

Barry George, who has been released after 8 years in gaol, was convicted for the murder of Jill Dando because he fitted the police profile of a sociopathic loner. The lack of actual evidence seems to have become secondary with time. Mr. George had no motive, there were no witnesses to the crime itself, there was no forensic evidence connecting Mr. George to the crime scene, no weapon was ever found . . . all the prosecution had was 'evidence' of a bad character. Which was finally booted out of court by a jury with a bit of gumption.
   Although, if half of what's being said about Mr. George is true, locking him up for 8 years to stop him harassing and stalking women sounds like quite a good idea.

#This government can't keep hold of anything
The DVLA has lost an unknown number of V5C 'registered keeper' forms to thieves, who use them to make people think they are buying stolen cars legitimately – right up to the moment when the police arrive to stroll off with the stolen car, leaving the new 'owner' with no hope of recovering the purchase price.

!Mormon molester resurfaces?
Britain's tabloids got a big thrill back in 1977, when Joyce McKinney and a helper kidnapped Mormon missionary Kirk Anderson and handcuffed him to a bed so that Ms. McKinney could try to persuade him to marry her by applying sexual favours. Mr. Anderson escaped and Kinney and her pal Keith May were busted. But they eventually jumped bail (in 1978) and disappeared off to Canada.
   Spool forward 30 years and a silly season story about a Bernann McKinney, an alleged Hollywood scriptwriter and university lecturer, who has paid a small fortune to have her destroyed, jogger molesting pit bull dog cloned. A scandal alarm went off at the Daily Mail, which immediately began asking pointed questions about the lady's past rather than the dog story, and joyfully gave the McKinney saga a double-page spread on a slow news day.
UpdateWhat the Daily Mail does one day, the Grauniad does the next. And lo! the day after the Mail dug its dirt, the Groaner dug the same dirt!

And an apology to follow?
Colin Stagg, who didn't murder Rachel Nickell on Wimbledon Common in 1992, is to receive £706,000 as compensation for having 16 years of his life wasted by the police and the snail's pace of the legal system.

police carBut will anybody notice or even care?
The police have decided to work to rule and without enthusiasm as they are not allowed to leap out on strike. They have the hump because the Home Secretary has swindled them over pay and this rotten government has broken the Police Covenant. So there will be fewer coppers filling in forms in police stations, and even fewer out on the streets harassing motorists, people who tried to stand up to yobs and other easy targets.

euroA special kind of uselessness
York City council blew £40,000 on satnav gear for its dustcarts to stop them getting lost and to prevent them from being stolen. But some idle sod forgot to lock up the dustcart depot and all the satnavs have been stolen.

smokingJob creation, new labour style!
A jobless 'community leader' found a novel way to wrench himself off the breadline. He set himself up as an anti-smoking guru for people who wanted to give up the noxious weed and charged his local NHS trust £45 a pop for giving putative non-smokers half a dozen counselling sessions.
   The Kensington & Chelsea Primary Care Trust had parted with £90,000, and nominated Harry Singer for a national award, before someone checked up on the paperwork and found that he'd tricked people into signing his forms and he was claiming to have held counselling sessions at a rate of 36 per day.

!What's up with that?
Three men from Blackburn are being persecuting for saying that tony b. liar and scotch gordon should be killed for starting wars in Iraq & Afghanistan. The nation's police forces are now starting to realize that they don't have enough coppers available to arrest everyone who thinks the 3 guys are right, and politically correct police chiefs face the prospect of being sent on courses to teach them the difference between dissent and treason [in the name of relieving pressure on the prison system].


Alexandr Solzhenitsyn

The Nobel prize-winning Russian author and social commentator has died at 89. Born into the immediate post-Revolution period, he was sent to a Soviet concentration camp right after serving in the army in World War II for daring to criticize the homicidal dictator Stalin.
   Solzhenitsyn was encouraged to described his experiences in novels after his release, as blackening Stalin's name suited new premiere Khrushchyov's political purposes. The novels also served to show the lefty chattering classes in Europe what communism is really about; control, corruption at the top and persecution or execution of all dissenters.
   Solzhenitsyn was evicted from Russia in 1974, 4 years after being refused permission to collect a Nobel prize for literature. Life in the decadent West suited him as little as life under Soviet communism. When he was eventually allowed to return to Russia, he added railing against the new Russia and its spiv culture to his tirades against Western materialism.


Walthamstow dog track

The stadium was opened in 1933 by William Chandler, a former illegal street bookmaker. Competition from high street bookmakers and internet gambling reduced attendances and revenue for the tote and the track-side bookies. The unviable stadium becomes the property of a housing trust from next month. Half of the new properties to be built on the site will be 'affordable'; which means that no one will be able to afford the other half, so why they'll be built is a mystery.
   When Winston Churchill went electioneering at the dog track in 1945, the locals told him that they wanted more housing. 63 years on, it looks like they're actually getting it!


ex-General Musharaf (as president of Pakistan)

He took power 9 years ago in a 'bloodless' coup against a former president who, amazingly, is still around and active in politics, and set himself up as a recipient of Western aid in return for a tough-ish line against Islamic extremists (apart from the thousands lurking in the northern badlands).
   Like President Mugabe, he came to believe that he had a divine right to rule forever. But Pakistan turned out to be a bit more democratic than Zimbabwe and the people decided they wanted someone different as their head of state.
   Pakistan now faces a choice between keeping the Western aid flowing and becoming more independent and sliding further into the clutches of the Islamistas.


Geoffrey Perkins

The man who produced The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy has died at 55. During his career as a producer for BBC radio, he also created the Mornington Crescent game for the long-running Radio 4 comedy I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue and co-wrote Radio Active and KYTV with Angus Deayton.
   He worked as a producer for Thames TV, his credits including Spitting Image and the Harry Enfield Show, and Channel 4, where his credits include Father Ted. He was BBC TV's head of comedy when programmes like The Fast Show were on offer, and he was working in the independent sector when removed from life in a road accident.


Brett Favre

He retired from the NFL in March but the Green Bay Packers' star quarterback is suddenly feeling frisky again, the League has agreed to reinstate him and he is ready to march in to this season's training camp. Which isn't going to please Aaron Rodgers, the former back-up, who might just have a fight on his hands for the lead role in the Packers' offense.
UpdateHaving chosen their quarterback for the coming season, the Packers have unloaded Mr. Favre on the New Jersey Jets, who had a dreadful 4-12 season last year. Which means that Chad Pennington gets the bullet after 8 years' service as a quarterback for the Jets.


Another "soft target" Stealth Tax

Overfilling a bin, or putting extra bags of refuse beside it, is a more serious crime than shoplifting or being drunk and disorderly in the new labour world. Breach of rubbish regulations commands a spot fine of £110 while shoplifting and D&D are worth only £80 and bail jumping commands a fine of just £60 from the criminals' friends in the labour party.

organic vegetableYou pays your money and you gets ripped off!
Surprise! You just knew it had to be true, and it is!! Organic foods are for mugs. Priced about one-third dearer than inorganic ones, they contain exactly the same level of nutrients and the residues of pesticides and fertilizers in the inorganic products pose no health risks.

Junket Heaven
313 British athletes are competing at the Olympics while 639 politicians, civil servants, BBC staff (including news readers) and coppers are junketing in Peking at a cost to the taxpayer of £7 million.

Don't Panic! A fix is on the way!
Inflation is up to 4.4% according to the government's system but there's no need for alarm as it will be down below 2% come September. How do we know? Because that's when the government sets the rise in pensions and other benefits for next April.

wheely binCouncil Tax to go up again if labour's latest idea come off
The government is hoping to buy itself some popularity by making councils pay out £10 every time they fail to deliver on refuse collection, street repairs, etc. But the extra bureaucracy involved in making the refunds will drive the cost to the council up to the level of the £110 charged to residents for overfilling wheely bins. And guess what? Council Tax will have to go up to make up the deficit.

At last, scotch gordon has achieved his target!
He's brought the economy to a standstill. Growth in economic output hit zero in April to June of this year, ending a growth streak which began under the Tories in 1992.


WHO declares EU a health hazard!

Better Out Than In

The World Health Authority has concluded that the European Union's Common Agricultural Policy thrusts subsidies at the producers of fatty foods like butter and beef, encourages unhealthy diets and kills 3,500 British citizens every year through heart attacks and strokes.

Never tell the truth, the public can't handle it
The European Union is paying the salaries of 170,000 employees but it admits to a staff of only 20,000-30,000. Why? Because the European Commission is embarrassed about the amount of taxpayers' money being shoved into the pockets of cronies and it's a graduate of the new labour academy of truthful statistics.


Grub with a bit of bark in it

dogThe Chinese government has unleashed an army of dog catchers to clear the streets of Peking of larger pet dogs as well as strays so that their barking won't destroy the tranquil atmosphere of the city during the Olympics. The luckier dogs are being stored in cages in a vast warehouse on the edge of the city. The less fortunate ones are being strangled and delivered to restaurants and suppliers of dog-fur trim to the European fashion trade.

@Tell it like it is!
The Tories have decided that after they win the next election, fat people will have to sign a written confession admitting that it's all their own fault. The excuses for obesity, which have multiplied furiously under labour, just won't wash any more once the Boy Dave and his cohorts take over.

Home News
UK Flagprescott hits nail on head by accident

prescott with mindernew labour's former pantomime horse of a deputy leader has charged to scotch gordon's support as he flounders. Old Two Jags reckons that scotch is in the same position as the captain of the Titanic, which is supposed to make us feel better about the old blunderbuss at No. 10.
   "It wasn't the captain that sank the Titanic, it was the iceberg,"prescott protested. Which serves only to remind us that it was the captain of the Titanic who chose to steer his ship into an area full of icebergs instead of taking a more prudent course.

@No rest for the wicked
While he's on holiday, scotch gordon is using a personal trainer to make sure he gets some exercise. At Downing Street, he normally keeps fit by hurling telephones about, throwing wobblies and energetic nit-picking.

#Another nail in the coffin
The government's doomed ID card scheme has hit a new technical problem – fingerprint quality. 2-5% of adults have fingerprint ridges which are too poorly defined to be scanned by automatic systems. [You'd think they'd have found that out right at the start of the whole shambles. Ed.] Worse, experts in the United States reckon it's hard to get good fingerprints from people over 75.
   Iris scans have already been ruled out as a means of identification on cost grounds.

#This government can't keep hold of anything II
Home Sec. j. smith found out on the 3rd Monday of the month that a Home Office contractor had lost the personal details of all the prisoners in England and Wales, and files on 43,000 serious and persistent offenders. So she came up with the brilliant idea of blowing £20,000 on a "parade of shame" for Gary Glitter, the disgraced 1970s glam-rocker, when he was shipped back from Vietnam on the following Wednesday after his spell in prison.
    Unfortunately, Mr. Gadd went on a short tour of the Far East first, he didn't get back to London until the Friday of that week and the Home Sec. was left with egg on her face and the bad news not buried.
UpdatePA Consulting, the firm which lost the criminals' data, is working on enough government contracts, worth billions of pound, as to be unsackable. The contracts including ID Card data-gathering and storage, so we can expect that information to end up in the public domain before long.

stasiYesterday, East Germany; Today, England!
The government has found a solution to rising unemployment caused by the credit crunch and a looming recession. People without jobs will be funnelled into their local council's Stasi to spy on their neighbours and educate them in their duties as citizens of the Browniverse. The members of new labour's Stasi will be unpaid but they might just get a brown shirt to wear when they're on snooping duty.

#Unexpected consequences
The Credit Crunch, and a slump in the housing market, are being blamed for a drop in the divorce rate. But closer analysis of the numbers shows that the wives of rich men are rushing to the divorce courts to grab a slice of their old man's assets while they're still worth something. It's only average and poor people who have decided they can't afford to get a divorce.

@new labour doesn't get it
Quote of the month:
"George Orwell's 1984 was meant to be a warning, not a blueprint."

Discovery of the Century made in Georgia. Not!

Bigfoot in a fridgeA pair of Bigfootologists from northern Georgia (USA, not the eastern trouble spot) reckon they've found the body of a dead Bigfoot and they've seen several live ones roaming around in woodland. They're not saying where they found their prize to protect the live Bigfeet, but as a preliminary claim, they have released a photograph of their corpse in a freezer.
   The animal is said to be 7 feet 7 inches tall and it weighs in at over 500 lbs., which means they must have a pretty big freezer.
   The response from the biology establishment has been unrelenting scepticism. The experts are unwilling to accept that 7-foot creatures could have remained hidden for so long, even out in the wilds of the Blue Ridge Mountains and Appalachia.
   Rick Dyer, a former prison guard, and Matthew Whitton, a Georgia police officer on leave after being shot, are promising to release further details at a press conference. The world waits with bated breath!
UpdateThe 'Sasquatch' has been thawed out and it turned out to be a Halloween costume. Its discoverers, Rick Dye and Matthew Whitton, are now assumed to be on the run after taking Tom Biscardi, a former Las Vegas promoter, for an advance of $50,000 on future earnings from their Bigfoot.


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space news
The Great Planetary Swindle provokes violent response!

PlutoFriends of the planet Pluto have challenged the International Astronomical Union to a fight at a conference at Johns Hopkins University over the IAU's anti-democratic decision to demote Pluto from planetary status. Mark Sykes, director of the Planetary Science Institute, reckons that if an object is massive enough to be spherical and orbiting a star (which excludes Earth's Moon), then it's a planet.
   The definition includes Ceres, the largest of the asteroids, Pluto, its moon Charon, and the recently discovered Kuiper Belt objects Eris (a.k.a. Xena) and MakeMake (formerly known as Easter Bunny). The IAU's definition is defective, Mr. Sykes believes, because its strict interpretation means that neither Earth nor Jupiter is a planet!
UpdateAn allegedly 'great debate' between Mr. Sykes and Neil Tyson of the IAU was held at JHU in the middle of the month but didn't really achieve anything much. After lots of posturing, nothing conclusive came out of the encounter.

#Russia's civilian space programme hits crisis
Attempts to launch a satellite for the Thai government have ground to a halt over an argument with one of Russia's neighbours. Kazakhstan has joined Uzbekistan in refusing permission for the Russians to launch over their territory.
   The Russians have a history of not cleaning up contamination from spent stages and mis-launches and their neighbours have had enough; particularly of the hydrazine fuel used in demilitarized nuclear missile launchers. So the Thai satellite is not likely to head into space until the Russians pay up for cleaning up their messes.

computer virusYou're not safe anywhere – official!
NASA is embarrassed to confirm that last month, astronoughts took laptops infected with the virus Gammima.AG to the International Space Station. The worm is designed to steal login names and passwords for online games.
   Astronauts do not have anti-virus programs on their laptops [Is that to save weight? Or is NASA just to mean to pay for them? Ed.] but as they are not connected to the Internet in space, the potential for damage is limited.

A pong in paradise

The tourism office on Grenada has located the source of bad smells on the Caribbean island's beaches. Dog owners are using starfish as frisbees for their dogs to catch, and the chomped starfish are dying and decaying on the sands to create the nasal pollution.

Welcome to sunny Peking?

Peking city centre
A bit further out

Okay, so the pictures could be of anywhere smoggy, but you'll have to take our word for it that these are genuine pix of the Chinese capital, which is to become a testbed for automatically controlled cars fitted with all-round radar systems. The thinking behind the plan is that the air quality is always going to be so bad that people won't be able to see where they're going, so they might as well speed the traffic up for the benefit of tourists with some automatic systems. Might even work!

Russian forces celebrate "Czechoslovakia + 40" in Georgia.
Soviet tank, 1968 Under the Brezhnev Doctrine, Soviet client states were "not allowed to abandon (full-scale Soviet) communism even if it meant a third world war". Alexandr Dubcek tried to put a human face on communism in 1968, offering his people more freedom and contact with the West. The result was an invasion by the Soviet led Warsaw Pakt countries to bring about regime change.
   Fast forward 40 years and the same thing has happened to one of Russia's immediate neighbours. Georgia dared to consider joining NATO; a crime punishable by regime change under the Putin Convention. So while Mr. P. was hiding in Peking at the Olympics, the tanks rolled into Georgia.

!Engineering the future kyboshed in Germany
Police in Gross-Zimmern, near Darmstadt, have put a stop to a new transport venture pioneered by two local teenagers. They came up with the bright idea of sticking a lawnmower engine on an office chair, and adding the brakes from a bike. But when they were testing it, the police stepped in and grabbed their ride.

Sneak Attack

Russian flagRussia has used the opening of the Olympics as a cover for launching a Blitzkrieg on Georgia; mainly to give the former president and current prime minister, Gospodin Putin, an alibi. The excuses for trying to reclaim the South Osetiya region as part of a post-Soviet Russian empire seem to be recycled versions of the ones used by the Nazis for laying claim to Austria, the Sudetenland, Danzig, Memel and all the parts of eastern Europe which had a German-speaking population centuries ago.
   Another object of the invasion is to put NATO off admitting Georgia; the argument runs that if the country is involved in a small war with separatists and a super-power, NATO won't want to know in case the alliance is dragged in to the conflict.
   The good news is that Russia daren't go nuclear as it will be hosting the winter Olympics in 2014 at nearby Sochi, and having radiation blowing over from Georgia would put a distinct damper on the proceedings.

cashCashing in on someone else's strategy
Our government has come up with an answer to Russia's attempt to grab all the oil and gas under the Arctic.
   Our teenage foreign secretary, what's his face miliband, is to be sent to the UN with a demand for all the oil and gas under the South Atlantic on the grounds that we own most of the land in it, namely Ascension Island, the Falkland Islands, South Georgia and the Falkland Islands Dependencies.
   The boy miliband will argue that the continental shelf around British property extends for a lot farther than anyone gives it credit, and we are just claiming what's rightfully ours.

#Ideas above his station
The boy miliband has decided not to start a total war with Russia. It would appear that no one has told Britain's teenage Foreign Secretary, and prime minister wannabe, that he doesn't actually have the power to start a war, even if we had the troops to fight it, which we don't.

world news
The long, endless road to November

The opinion polls in the United States are 48:28 in favour of presidential hopeful Mr. O'Bama. Unfortunately, that's 48% of Americans reckon they've heard too much about him already compared to just 28% with total McCain fatigue.

#Case dismissed, too silly!
A German judge had a long struggle to retain her composure as she listened to accounts of a war between two neighbours. She burst into laughter and had to call a recess after they began calling each other daft names like 'smelly bum'. When she had restored her dignity somewhat, the judge returned to court to tell both parties to get lost.

!Digital smoke & digital mirrors
Shock, horror! The lavish opening for the Olympics never really happened! Most of it was done by digital insertions of computer-generated images into background TV shots to make sure that smog, the weather and technical failures didn't mess things up. And the crowds at most events are Chinese extras, who fill the vacant seats to create atmosphere.

!If it's not one thing, it's another
Florida has had so much rain from Tropical Storm Fay that residents are being warned to watch out for alligators in the streets, which look a lot like swampland. And if that wasn't bad enough, they're also in danger from floating balls of seriously pissed off fire ants, which have a severe sting and which can trigger a lethal allergic reaction if they attack in sufficient numbers.

$Rally to the cause, boys & girls!
Hillary Clinton has ordered her supporters to get behind Mr. O'Bama. Presumably, so they can stab him in the back!

&The Old Folks Bite Back
The Cuban regime has arrested a punk rocker for mocking the 'appalling waxwork' Castro bros in his lyrics. Gorki Aguila of the banned band Porno Para Ricardo has been charged with 'social dangerousness' and 'subverting communist morality'. As he hasn't actually violated any part of the Cuban criminal code, he is being held in custody until a suitable law can be rushed through the legislative machinery.
UpdateThe Cuban authorities have given up trying to get Mr. Aguila by rewriting the legal code. Instead, they have dropped the charges and fined him $30 for playing his music too loudly.

$Enter a former Miss Congeniality
John McCain, the pride of Scotland, has trumped his Irish rival's choice of an old bloke for his vice pres by picking as his running mate, a woman who's pro-life, pro-death, pro-guns and pro-moose burgers. Get out of that, Mr. O'Bama!

This Month's Garbage

The Garbage sir ian blair (no relation), the commish of the Met, who has lost the confidence of just about everyone.

Humberside Police for sending 350 coppers on a half-day awareness course on how to treat a bloke who decided he's really a woman.

hilary benn, who thinks putting out too much rubbish is more serious a crime than shoplifting and being drunk & disorderly, and should command a spot fine of £110 instead of the £80 penalty for the 'lesser' crimes.

Doncaster council, which won't let a Polish restaurant sell beer in 300 ml and half-litre glasses. Beer has to be in pints and you can't sell a pound of bananas any more.

South Holland district council, Lincs., which has driven Spalding's Tulip Sunday parade into extinction through ridiculous demands for cash on bogus elf 'n' safety grounds.

NICE, which keeps making boneheaded decisions about which drugs NHS patients can have.

Congleton borough council, which has been convicted of 'maladministration with injustice' and fined £250 for failing to provide a family with 3 kids with an extra wheely bin (which the householder offered to pay for).

Berwick borough council, which sends threatening letters to any resident who dares to feed the birds which visit their garden.

"Team GB"

Bradford, Liverpool, Sunderland and most of the rest of the big town & cities in northern England, according to the think tank Policy Exchange.

A-Levels with a 97% pass rate.

The City of London Corporation, which has banned barbeques on soggy Hampstead Heath but encourages the local homophiles to continue "banging in the bushes" by providing free condoms. And the local police, of course, who also encourage public indecency instead of putting a stop to it.

Home Sec. j. smiff, who ain't responsible for nuffink what 'appens in her dept., especially the cock-ups.

All 'black' senior coppers who throw a wobbly and demand millions of pounds of taxpayers' cash as compensation if their every whim isn't satisfied.

Calamity Clegg, the Triv-Dem leader, who says he can't make ends meet on over 200 grand in salary and expenses.

Having a parade in London for the Olympic team in October, long after the interest has died down.

Andrew Dillon, chief executive of NICE, who blames the NHS drug-rationing watchdog's foot-dragging on interference from customers objecting to NICE's boneheaded and arbitrary decisions.

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