2010/April    final	Every edition of BFN is compiled in accordance with official 10 Downing Street guidelines on accuracy and veracity.
BIG election news + + + The Mandelsleaze tells Harridan Harperson to shut up + + + Gordon Broon is to meet some real people for a change + + + Saint Clegg promises to "Do a Broon" and steal £5,500,000,000 from private sector pensions + + + D. Cameroon promises to make it impossible for an unelected prime monster to stay in office for more than 6 months without holding a general election [Who could he have in mind? Ed.] + + + The Mandelsleaze is now moonlighting as Saint Clegg's spin apologist + + + Saint Clegg copped for £140,000 in expenses for living away from home while he was an MEP and he made a profit of £312,000 from selling his home in Brussels, so just another grabbing bastard? + + + The Brown plan to meet ordinary people has backfired – he slagged off a lady in Rochdale and lost her vote + + + Who would you rather have for Prime Monster? A man who HASN'T proved that he's totally useless or a man who HAS?

STUNELL NEWS    Liberals & Labour quite happy   to swindle pensioners Our local Liberal MP was contacted about the New Pensioner Stealth Tax, which costs people up to 6 days' state pension benefits in their first week of retirement. His response amounted to: "Yes, it's a swindle. Yes, we know it's a swindle and lots and lots of other people have complained about it. But are we going to do anything about it? . . . Naah!" Not so clean hands N. Clegg, Mr. Stunell's party leader and the Trivial-Democrats' Great White Hope, is an expenses junkie (£5K for a kitchen, £10K for stamp duty), like many other members of his party (Sir Ming of Merciless, Chris "trouser press" Huhne, Lembit "Council Tax Dodger" Opik). He used to work for a lobbying firm, which tried to air-brush M. Gadaffy, President for Life of Libya (1984 murder in London of WPC Fletcher, the Lockerbie bombing) and V. Putin, Russia's Leader for Life. Worse, Mr. Clegg's saintly wife and dozens of his colleagues and election candidates are currently involved in this unsavoury trade.

CLIMATE NEWS    The attitude of the Global Warming Swindler People who ask for your data to check if your conclusions stand up aren't doing what scientists are supposed to do, namely test theories to see if they drop to bits in the light of day. No, they're evil sceptics seeking to undermine the scammer's research.    Oh, yes; and subverting and frustrating the peer review process to make sure that your view is the only one on offer is entirely okay because this is standard practice in politics and the public sector and the University of East Anglia. Having it all ways The Global Warming Swindlers are still robbing the world with carbon taxes and other scams, which, they claim, will be used to change the climate whether we want it changed or not. Meanwhile, other experts are claiming that we could be heading for an action replay of the 'Little Ice Age' of the 16th & 17th centuries because the Sun is going through a quiet period in terms of magnetic storms and sunspots.    So when we have major rivers frozen for months, and frost fairs on the Thames again, watch out for the Global Warming Swindlers' stall — because you can bet your boots that there will be one! It’s all a question of reliability Airlines are furious because the extended flight ban was ordered on the basis of a simulation of aerial ash flow in . . . the Met Office computer. That's the computer which forecast a Barbeque Summer (totally wet & washed out) last year and a Mild Winter (the worst for 30 years) for the one just going. Good News! The ban is keeping Tony Blair stranded in Israel! True Grit Manufacturers of car polish are warning motorists not to wash their car while the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajökull is erupting in case airborne ash acts like sandpaper and strips their paint job off down to the bare metal.  • An expert for BlackFlag News, using data from airline industry test flights, calculated that the amount of ash in the air is so low that the average car washer would have to scrub the car continuously for 8.3 years to cause any noticeable damage.

CRIME NEWS  Unfit For Purpose New Labour's culture of virtual coppering has changed the face of crime in Britain. Police officers spend so long sitting down filling in forms that they are no longer capable of catching young criminals. So they are now concentrating on the elderly. Which explains why arrests of pensioners have shot up by 550% since 2006/07 and child criminals are running wild and unchecked on the streets when they're not in other people's houses, burgling. Keep your racket to yourself, mate! Police officers who are late for a late-night tea break have been banned from using their sirens. The Association of Cheap Police officers has found that hearing sirens in the night increases the public's fear of crime and make them more aware of the lack of coppers around when you need one.    ACPO is hoping that the troublesome public will think that crime has stopped suddenly, and they can stop bloody complaining, if they hear no more sirens. Vigilantes in action again Militant atheists are planning a citizen's arrest of the Pope (for covering up child abuse by paedophile priests) when he visits Britain. Let's hope they have better luck than the honest citizens who have tried to arrest the war criminal Tony b. Liar. It really is all about the money Switching off speed cameras in Swindon led to a ZERO increase in accidents, a 40% reduction in the number of motorists clogging up the courts with speeding offences and an uncalculated rise in customer satisfaction among the area's drivers. At last, a jury with 2 brain cells to rub together and a like-minded judge If a teacher batters a yobbish pupil with something heavy, it's not attempted murder, it's just 'reasonable chastisement', a jury at Nottingham Crown Court has ruled. And if the teacher wants to sue a clique of disruptive pupils for harassment and emotional stress, that's fine, too.

DEPARTURES    The Most Corrupt Parliament of All Time, aged 5 years It was filled with thieves, liars, expenses swindlers, bunglers, chancers and trough-scoffers. No one was ever to blame for the messes they created and no one was competent to fix the disasters. It opened under a proven liar, who left to feather his own next even further, and he devolved power to a man whose incompetence was exceeded only by his sense of entitlement to be prime minister. Vast amounts of public money were wasted, vast amounts of public money sloshed into the pockets of the members of the Parliament and their hangers-on. Near terminal damage was done to the British economy, Britain's standing around the world and British society. And the perpetrators of these crimes against the British nation had so little sense of shame that many of them promptly offered 5 more years of the same.  DEPARTURES    Malcolm McLaren, 64 The man who managed the Sex Pistols to self-destructive notoriety has gone to his reward. He started his business career with a clothes shop on the King's Road in Chelsea and turned to the music business after helping to make the punk look fashionable. He is credited with a talent for starting trouble without having much of an idea what to do next. The Sex Pistols' lead singer, Mr. J. (Rotten) Lydon, described him as 'the most evil person on earth' and took legal action to regain control of the band. Mr. McLaren rattled on in the music world as a manager, performer and arranger, and worked with the film director Steven Spielberg. He lived by the advice of one of this art college lecturers: "It is better to be a flamboyant failure than any kind of benign success."

DOSH NEWS    Simple solutions are the best The Nationwide Building Society/Bank is banning withdrawals of less than £100 at its branches in an attempt to reduce the length of queues and force customers to use cash machines more. Another good way to cut queues is to do what Lloyds TSB did in Romiley – close the local branch and leave the customers to fend for themselves. Someone has to be to blame If insurance companies are refusing to pay out for personal losses caused by the Icelandic volcano because "it's an Act of Ghod", does that mean Ghod's agents are liable? Especially the rich ones, like the Pope & Tony B. Liar? Another Brown Slump In keeping with everything else that G. Broon, self-proclaimed financial wizard, touches, the value of the property @ 10 Downing Street has gone down by 9.3% since he took up residence there. Shock, horror! Liberals as dirty as the rest! The Liberal party has been telling its MPs how to milk the expenses system to the max since 2008. And the Lib-Dem "Best Practice Manual" tells MPs how to get round a ban on sending out begging letters to their constituents.

ELECTION NEWS   Are Labour listening? Probably not; they never have in the past. Presidents Mugabe of Rhodesia and Khazi of Afghanistan have promised to send a "Joint Task Force of Liberation" to Britain if Gordon Brown 'wins' the general election by resorting to ballot box-stuffing, ballot box-losing, phantom voters and other fraudulent, power-stealing tactics. Mr. Clegg of the Libs won't let Gordon Brown stay on as prime monster if Labour has to form a coalition with the Libs UNLESS some Libs are allowed to be ministers and/or cabinet members. In that event, all of the problems with Gordo will just melt away. Political opportunism, or what! Labour's 10% Stealth Tax on cider is one of the early Budget casualties. The Tories wouldn't let it sneak through Parliament. Gordon Broon expects the nation to be grateful that his government is making 'efficiency savings' of billions of pounds and not to notice that it was Labour's negligence in office which was responsible for the waste of cash in the first place. Businessmen are finding Vince Cable's attack 'nauseating', according to a headline in theGrauniad, the newspaper kept afloat only by the massive advertising revenue it receives from the Labour government for listing huge numbers of public-sector non-jobs. The House of Common Criminals is now closed and the former inmates are no longer allowed entry. The same cannot be said about the House of Frauds, however, as they are not subject to the whims of the electorate. Gordon Brown is promising to end "take it or leave it" public services, which invites the question: "If they're so terrible, why did the bastard inflict that sort of public services on us in the first place?" Is a "SamCam" some sort of surveillance system on someone called Sam? After sending out scaremongering personalized leaflets to cancer patients, Labour has switched to sending emails begging support to doctors – just like a bunch of Nigerian scammers. The Mandelsleaze, twice booted out of the Cabinet for corruption and lucky not to have been flung into gaol for mortgage fraud, has chosen personal abuse as his principal election tactic. Not a wise course for someone with his looks & mannerisms! right : "They don't like it up 'em, Captain Broon!" Gordon Brown is claiming to be "The man of substance". Translation — he's just a big lump.

FOODY NEWS  Gather round, Comrades! Labour plans to include hotpot in the refreshments on offer at its election meetings. Unfortunately, they'll be using Gordon Brown's recipe, so the hotpot will be served cold, there won't be enough to go round and there'll be no meat in it.

GULF STREAM NEWS    Good news – a U-turn Back in 2003, the Global Warming Swindlers were predicting that Britain would have "a climate like Iceland's" in the 22nd century because global warming could switch off the Gulf Stream, which bathes Britain in warm water from the tropics.    Flash forward to 2010 and the swindlers have been shot down. There is no evidence from the last 20 years that the Gulf Stream is slowing down, any change in climate would happen over a lot longer time span than a century and the swindlers' computer models don't take into account natural cycles, which are poorly understood at the moment.

HEALTH NEWS It's Official, New Labour blew it. Again. All the taxpayers' cash that the government has blown on its harangues about eating "Five A Day" has been wasted. Even eating 55 portions of fruit & vegetables every day won't stop you getting cancer. Something else to thank them for The European Parliament's environment committee wants to ban 95% of rodent poisons and inflict a plague of rats and mice on us.

HOME NEWS  Attention seekers shouldn't be encouraged The jobsworths building the venues for the 2012 Olympics have so little inspiration for wasting taxpayers' cash that they are planning to blow £20 million on a 'centrepiece' which looks like a fairground ride that's being sucked into a black hole. A test of character If the Tories had any integrity, they would refuse to get involved in a criminally corrupt general election, which requires them to win a 10% greater share of the vote than Labour to security a majority in Parliament.

ROMILEY NEWS    Politics you can believe in! It's not very often that a political leaflet comes through the door which is A5 size and gets straight to the point with a message that's concise and sensible. "This country needs UKIP instead of career politicians" strikes home.    So do stopping mass migration for Labour's political ends, giving the customers more of a say in major issues and stopping the tide of waste and corruption washing out of Brussels. Not to mention kicking political correctness in the teeth and restoring power from Westminster to local councils. By Jove. He's right, you know! Councillor Syd Lloyd, up for re-election next month, claims to be the only Romiley councillor who actually works all the year around instead of just claiming to. And it's a message which those Romiley residents who have been waiting since bloody January for responses to emails sent to Councillors Lees & Mclay, neither of whom seems to have grasped the principles of electronic communication.

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SCAM NEWS  Computer Maintenance Services battles Internet Spiders! Romiley residents have reported more phone calls from Indians with blatantly bogus names, e.g. David and Paul. They claim their company has received distress messages from the victim's computer. They announce that they are from CMS which, they claim, is a major company with 40 offices around the world, and they're all Microsoft Certified Technicians.    According to the Indians, the victim's computer has been infested with spiders, which have crawled in from the Internet and the PC will slow to a crawl if the Indians are not allowed to get rid of the deadly intruders.    As 'proof', they invite the victim to run 'eventvwr', which brings up the Event Viewer program, which keeps logs of things that happen when the computer runs, including programs with bugs hanging or going wrong in other way. The victim is invited to accept that the presence of red and yellow error and warning symbols, which are there on a PC which has never been connected to the Internet or any other external data source like floppies and USB data sticks, is proof that the lethal spiders have infected the computer and they will eat up all the RAM and bring it to a dead stop in a matter of days.    Anyone who doesn't buy in to the scam and does a 1471 after ending the call gets a string of zeros as the caller's number – proof that the call did not come from a reputable company.  • When a potential victim said he was busy and he'd like to call one of the scammers back when he had more time, he was given the phone number 0203 287 0117, a number offered when the scammers targetted Liphook in February.

SCIENCE NEWS  The Great Hadron Hoax? The gang at CERN in Switzerland are celebrating the restart of their Large Hadron Collider, which has lain broken for over a year after the grand opening day. But is it for real?    When you consider the size of a proton, is it really within the bounds of possibility that something that small could hit something else that small coming at it from the opposite direction? Even if 2 'bunches' (apologies for the technical term) of protons are put on a collision course, the chance that any of these minute bits of matter will collide has to be as near to zero as makes no difference.    Which leaves us suspecting that CERN is great for the people who build the massive machines, and great for the people who pretend to operate them, and great for the people who do the CGI graphics of pretend collisions, but not to great for the European taxpayers, who are paying the bills.    But to end on a positive note, if the LHC is as genuine as man-made global warming, at least there's no chance that it will create a swarm of black holes, which will swallow up the planet.

SEISMOLOGY TODAY    Earthquake cause cracked by Iranian! Imam H.K. Sedaghi has discovered the reason why Tehran is facing a major earthquake in the near future. It's nothing to do with the fact that the city lies at a confluence of 4 fault lines in a highly geologically active area. It's all down to women wearing revealing clothing and behaving promiscuously, the tectonic cleric has found.

SICK NEWS  Oh, for a foggy day In the light of the fate of Poland's "elite", who were wiped out travelling to commemorate the Russian massacre of Polish officers in the Katyn forest in 1940, record numbers of voters are offering Gordon Brown a free, one-way air ticket to Smolensk.

TRAVEL NEWS    It's the way they tell them! How do you get yourself a strike of railway voters? Just recruit an army of phantom voters, and send out ballot papers to non-existent workplaces, then look surprised in the high court when you're hauled there to explain yourself. No profit in it? EasyJet refused to let a German family put a relative who had just died on a flight home on the grounds that the deceased wouldn't be overpaying them for luggage, in-flight food & drink and the use of the aircraft's single toilet (at £1/1€ a shot). Quiet Skies a Big Hit People living near airports had the time of their lives this month, when the Icelandic volcanic eruption let them hear themselves think outdoors and hold a conversation for more than 2 minutes without shouting. The lack of noise pollution was declared a good thing for both people and public events like football matches and church services. Realizing how good life can be without overhead racket is giving people ideas, and a 3rd runway at Heathrow is looking increasingly unlikely. Q: What's the difference between an Icelandic volcano & Gordon Brown? A: A volcano will eventually stop damaging the British economy. No service interruption Worried about maintaining the inflow of migrants into Britain to further its social engineering ambitions, the Labour government is marshalling the Royal Navy to import as many illegals as possible under the guise of repatriating genuine Brits stranded by the hiatus in air services. The French authorities banned an attempted replay of the Dunkirk evacuation with small ships. A government spokesman at Calais said: "We are nert in the business of making life easy for les ros bifs." It's the Foot & Mouth shambles all over again Satellite images prove that there was no huge cloud of ash from the Icelandic volcano Eyafjallajökul and the Met Office's computer data was wildly off beam. Worse, the maximum particle density was around 5% of the currently accepted safe limit for operating jet airliners.    So why did the Met Office make such a bog of things? Well, the computer forecast was supposed to have been backed up by actual data gathered by the official Met Office plane. But they'd just had it painted and they couldn't fly it until the paint had dried.    As Mr. Littlejohn of the Daily Mail keeps telling us: you couldn't make it up!    Which doesn't explain why this useless government did absolutely nothing to help stranded British travellers get home. Or why 2 of the naval warships sent to collect Brits from the Continent were still circling aimlessly off-shore when the airlines resumed flying again and forced the government to bin the ban.

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WORLD NEWS  Dastardly Foreigners are To Blame "Anglo-Saxon financiers" are trying to destabilize the French government by inventing stories about affairs by both Pres. Sarko and his current missus. The head of the presidential goon squad has ordered a "War of Terror" against the rumour-mongers and Guillotine No. 13, the last surviving instrument of execution, has been hauled out of storage so that the Republic can make examples of any offenders trapped on French soil. Sod off, you ancient technophobes! Exploding tape recorders are out as a means of passing instructions to secret agents. From now on, they'll have to learn how to access Facebook and Twitter for orders or face the sack. No fly zone First, they loot savings and investments via their criminally reckless banks, then they close the whole of the Northern European air-space to domestic and international flights, at monstrous expense to the airlines and monstrous inconvenience to the travelling public, with a monstrous dust cloud from one of their volcanoes. These bloody Icelanders have a hell of a lot to answer for. At last, the Pope is a victim! While wallowing in public fury, the Vatican is secretly eternally grateful for the government's leak of the ravings of a bunch of the teenage Foreign Sec.'s teenage pals, who took the piss out of the up-coming papal visit. The FO pranksters suggested that the Pope might include in his itinerary, opening an abortion clinic, launching a range of condoms and offering a grovelling apology for the Spanish Inquisition [Which no one expects! Ed.]    Suddenly, the Catholic Church has been turned from a universally reviled nest of paedophiles to a mocked noble cause. Magic! Even more reckless spending Spendthrifts at the European Commission plan to blow 6% more of our money by raising the fraud- and corruption-ridden EU budget to £114,000,000,000. So that's another £450,000,000 for the British taxpayer to find, thanks to Labour's penchant for giving up chunks of Mrs. Thatcher's rebate, PLUS our share of the cost of setting up the new EU diplomatic service.

The Roman Catholic Church in Ireland (and elsewhere), which views someone noticing its cover-ups for paedophile priests as an appalling breach of good manners. Calling the English Channel the "Anglo-French Pond", a bright idea from the EU's map makers, who want over a million quid of British taxpayers' cash to get their new map for schools printed. The Mandelsleaze's idea of getting Tony Blair, a proven liar, swindler and gravy-trainer, to do election promos for what's left of New Labour. The Olympic monument, which looks like the wreck of the Hindenburg on a bad day. £1 Million each in pension & perks for the thieving MPs who will be evicted when this Parliament ends. Teachers moaning about irresponsible pupils ruining their lives after the same teachers insisted on giving the little brats a say in running schools and hiring & firing. The Triv-Dems and their bogus "Tory VAT bombshell". Liverpool city council, which is thinking of banning the word 'obese' because it offends fat people, but doing nothing about the word 'politician'. The Bank of England, which knew that Iceland had a criminally reckless banking system long before the whole rotten mess collapsed but didn't tell British investors. [So much for the Brown regulation system. Ed.] The bin is ready & Mandelson page top Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression. Sole © RAL, April 2010.