Cake prices soar in Romiley
The Sainsbury Local, a very poor substitute for a Somerfield supermarket, used to sell its strawberry cheesecake and its packets of Eccles cakes at a quid apiece. Now, they cost £1.59 and £1.50 respectively. Talk about profiteering. No wonder the locals call the place Dick Turpin's.
Change we CAN'T believe in 2
The price of food is supposed to be going up by 20% next year. This month, the price of a 600 ml carton of soup went up by 36% from £1.29 to £1.75. So can we expect the two-quid soup carton next year? [£2.10 with the full 20%. Ed. ]
Posh it up a bit, please!
The fish 'n' chip industry is all abuzz over the invention of vinegar-flavoured salt, which stops f'n'c from going soggy. But we posh people in Romiley always put aceto balsamico on our f'n'c, so we're not about to get excited until balsamico-flavoured salt is on offer.
There is no sign of snow in Romiley as the end of the month approaches and the Met Office gets hysterical about 10-foot snow drifts. Gorbal Warming is getting the blame.
Dateline: 27th November
Romiley resounds to the sirens of ambulances taking victims of the Pavement of Death in the village centre to the casualty dept. at Stepping Hill Hospital. It's either a sprinkling of snow or a heavy frost, but the slick-faced pavement is a skating rink and staying upright on it is a lottery.
The number of people with claims outstanding against Stockport council arising from injuries inflicted by the Pavement of Death remains over 100.
The pavement was installed as a result of one of the council's end-of-year panics to spend up the budget. Clearly, no one bothered to find out that the paving is totally unsuitable for public areas subject to rainfall and freezing temperatures, hence the massive injury compensation bill which is landing on the local council taxpayers.
No wonder the Council Tax is so bloody enormous
Sad but true. Romiley Boardmill installs a Xmas tree in the middle of Romiley for free. This year, the council decided they couldn't be trusted to do the job properly and sent their own gang to wire up the lights. A neighbouring shopkeeper counted 16 - yes one-six, council dogsbodies on or around the job.
Winter arrives in Romiley on the last day of the month
There wasn't much of it, so a BBC TV reporter looking for hard-luck stories had to dig a hole and crouch in it to make the snow look serious. But an observant photographer spotted that the remaining rosy, red apples on a forgotten tree were all wearing snow hats first thing. Luckily, he got the shot before the sun managed to melt the hats.
"Not me, Gov!" still rules
The police officers who abandoned a van to be vandalized and looted by child rioters in London will not face disciplinary charges as no one in London is ever guilty of nuffink under the still prevailing code of conduct established by New Labour.
She was born in Poland of German parents, who were trying to flee the Nazi regime in their native land. She survived a spell in the Stutthof concentration camp and went on to become a member of the Berliner Ensemble. She fell foul of the Communist regime and escaped from East Berlin by leaping into the river Spree. She was fished out by an America soldier, whom she later married. Her first screen role was a small part in Dr. Zhivago (1965), her first significant role came in the wartime adventure Where Eagles Dare (1968). She became best known for her glamorous parts as a female vampire in Hammer horror films of the 1970s, e.g. The Vampire Lovers (1970) and Countess Dracula (1971), but she continued to work in films and TV until well into the 21st century. She wrote for magazines and periodicals, she wrote a number of works of fiction, and her non-fiction included Life's a Scream (1999), her autobiography.
Bernard Matthews, turkey manufacturer, 80
Going from incredibly small beginnings, he turned turkey from a Xmas luxury product to a cheap staple available all the year round. He became a national figure in the 1980s when he fronted an advertising campaign and described his product as "Bootiful, really bootiful" in a distinctive Norfolk accent. His company created 120 turkey product and upset the animal right lobby with its ranching methods. One product, the Turkey Twizzler, fell foul of the celebrity cookista Jammy Olive. The line was eventually dropped because of its turkey content. Curiously, 9 carat gold contains the same amount of gold as the twizzler's turkey content, but there has been no national campaign to exclude this product from jewellers' shops.
Leslie Nielsen, actor, 84
He moved to Hollywood in the 1950s, after starting his career as a jobbing actor in live TV in New York, and landed a 7-year MGM contract, starting with the role of the spaceship commander in Forbidden Planet (1956), which also starred Robby the Robot in a retelling of The Tempest (1610/11). He played serious roles, including the captain in The Poseidon Adventure (1972) until the watershed Airplane! (1980). He starred as Detective Frank Drebin in the enormously funny TV series Police Squad (1982), which was cancelled after just 6 episodes by the bozos at ABC because the bozos in the United States wouldn't watch it. The series spawned the Naked Gun series of films, and more comedies followed, including Spy Hard (1996) and a few real turkeys, and Leslie Nielsen is now recognized as the Olivier of spoofs.
Samuel Cohen, physicist, 89
He was a man distressed by the wanton destruction of war with conventional and nuclear weapons. That was why he came up with the perfect Cold War solution for a Russian invasion of Europe the neutron bomb. The invention floods an area with atomic particles, which pass harmlessly through structures but cause lethal damage to living cells. Thus the Russian hordes would be wiped out in their tanks but everything else would remain intact. Bleeding heart commie liberals made out that this is the ultimate in immorality, killing people without devastating the invaded area. Mr. Cohen also upset US military contractors which had a vested interest in existing nukes. Which suggests he was moving along the right lines.
Zombie peril stalks nation!
Britain is facing the threat of zombie mortgages ones which will become unaffordable if the Bank of England lending rate ever rises to a fair level. To blame are Gordon Broon, the idiots who took out a 5x salary mortgage and the negligent bankers who let them do it.
The cuts don't apply to us, surely!
The Audit Commission, the alleged government spending watchdog, was given the chop because it blew £5.5 million on junkets for its own staff and managers over the last 3 years.
Another Blair earner £50K for addressing a gathering of bog-roll manufacturers in Florida.
90% of the merchandizing junk for the 2012 Olympics isn't made in Britain. So much for Blair's promises of profits for all and a lasting legacy.
Done for 9 pence
From December 6th, the Royal Mail will be giving first-class letters, costing 41p to send, the same lack of priority as second-class letters, costing 32p to send.
Things you probably didn't know No. 198 The taxpayer is paying for children of Islamic parents to go to special classes in sharia law, where they are taught how to hack off someone's hand or foot.
Economics of the madhouse
Britain is having to borrow money, because we're broke thanks to Gordon Brown, to lend it to Ireland, which is just as broke, to keep British banks solvent. Spain, Portugal and Belgium will soon be expecting the same treatment because our apology for a government lacks the backbone to tell these scroungers we've had 13 years of Brown's reckless spending and THERE'S NAE BLIDDY MONEY LEFT!
Sleaze from beyond the grave
The last government did secret deals with dozens of Labour members of the House of Common Criminals who had defrauded the taxpayer with expenses claims pay the money back and you won't be named and shamed. This month, a move to expose the cheats was thwarted by Labour deputy leader H. Harperson's gopher. Which raises the question: "Were these two heroes of democracy recipients of secret deals?"
Those guilty of misuse of the English language this month include:
D. Cameron, who called the riots which trashed his party's HQ building unacceptable
Every jargonista who used the word inappropriate
Sir D. Nicholson, CEO of the NHS, for "we do not recognize these figures" when talking about the Nurses' union's claim that there will be 27,000 job losses
All politicians who make a pledge in the cynical hope that people will believe it is more unbreakable than a discardable promise
Rent-a-gob Liberal MP B. Russell, who used the "u-word" in reference to Mr. H. Flight's views rather than "unpalatable".
The truth is "inappropriate" says D. Cameron
Lord Young's view that people with a mortgage and a criminally low interest rate at the expense of savers "have never had it so good" is accurate and inconvenient, and also a sacking offence, apparently. The view is not "inappropriate", and calling it that should be grounds for a good slap around the head for the Boy Dave.
The latest Tory apologist is the future Lord Flight, who dared to point out that cutting welfare benefits for the middle classes while raising their taxes will make them less inclined to have children while those enjoying benefits will continue to breed recklessly and devalue the national character even more. The present Mr. Flight was given to understand that there would be no peerage if he didn't issue an apology for pointing out inconvenient truth.
The Institute of Fiscal Studies has found that New Labour's policies produced a 15% birthrate increase among the poor.
China gets tough with bad art
The Chinese dissonant, who filled the Battersea Power Station Art Gallery with hand-painted sunflower seeds, has been placed under house arrest in his home town. The "exhibition" was declared off limits to the public after 2 days on elf & nazi grounds. The Battersea jobsworths decided that their customers could choke on dangerous dust clouds from the exhibit. Accordingly, the "artist" has been warned that he will remain locked up until he comes up with something in the art line that's actually worthwhile.
A similar fate is believed to be in store for Damien Hirst.
Definition of the Month
"Political gaffe" a statement containing a blindingly obvious, but politically unpalatable, piece of truth by someone in the public eye.
Convicts get the vote on 'uman rights grounds
The European Union has a long and dishonourable tradition of supporting the bad guy. So giving voting rights to convicted criminals is to be expected. No doubt the Euro Court of Human Rights has re-enfranchised 70,000 British criminals in the hope that they will vote Labour and stuff more British taxpayers' cash into the EU's coffers.
The EU's auditors have refused to accept the fraudulent accounts for the 16th year in succession. The European Court of Auditors found that 5% of the £88 billion budget was spent on things like paying subsidies to bent farmers and criminal gangs for crops that were never grown. The overall level of theft from the EU budget is believed to be around 10%, which amounts to £9,000,000,000.
More solidly back to the roots?
The Labour party is rebranding itself even more as the party of the criminal in a desperate search for an identity under the Wrong Milipede. In addition to supporting the MP chucked out of the House of Common Criminals for libelling an opponent during the last general election, party members are also backing the university vandals and toytown trots who attacked the Tory party HQ building on the day before Armistice Day.
Never one around when you need one
As in London, policing by absence seems to be the rule in north Cheshire. There was civil disturbance on the main street of sunny Disley on the day of the riot in London but the only police car in the area was observed sneaking about on back streets some considerable distance from the confrontation between rival gangs, and in no hurry to restore the Queen's Peace. New Labour hangover policing certainly has a lot to answer for.
Tax and reduce!
The OECD and the WHO would like public weigh-bridges on every high street world-wide in order to facilitate imposing a universal fat tax. The new tax will be at the same level as tobacco taxes and governments will pretend that the proceeds will be used for promoting healthy living (but just waste the cash, as usual). The BMA would also like to support the concept of a fat tax, but it daren't!
Revenge of the ACPO
The members of the Association of Cheap Police Officers are up in arms over cuts to their perks. [While their bonuses remain uncut. Ed.] Which is why just half a dozen coppers were sent to police a demo in London packed with the usual scumbags and toytown trots. And if the Tory party's election HQ got bent a bit, that's just too bad, the ACPO spokesman was clearly thinking even if he didn't dare say it aloud.
Miscommunication is expected to get the blame the next time a demo boils over and destroys a bank or a similar target.
You'd think university students would be intelligent enough to know that the taxpayer can't pay their fees any more because Gordon has dumped us in a Brown Hole of debt.
Swindlers' Charter II
The European Court of Self-Interest has ruled that eurocrats are entitled to a whopping pay rise, no matter what horrible things have happened to the economies of the countries which actually pay for the European Monster. Furthermore, the eurocrats are entitled to have their pay rises back-dated to 2009 with interest. So that's lots of cash going into the pocket of MEPs, every petty official in the EU machine and also the judges who staff the ECSI. Which hardly reflects well on their impartiality. But hey! Nothing to do with the EU has anything to do with honesty and fair play.
Another scam in action
Airports are deliberately keeping check-in queues long to swindle cash out of people who use the express lane. Aberdeen, Bristol and Luton airports are extorting £5 in their scam. East Midlands, Leeds-Bradford, Liverpool John Lennon and Newcastle airports all charge £3.
An organization representing air travellers plans to introduce league tables to show up the airports with excessively long queues.
A league table for the degree of stroppiness of airport securicrats is also on the cards.
No so bloody cheap!
Greater Manchester Police have been forced to scrap an £80,000 surveillance blimp because Northern weather has proved just too much for it. When flown in high winds and/or heavy rain, the helium-filled barrage balloon, which cost £4,000 a time to launch, had a habit of ripping open or being blown away, and not contributing over much to crime prevention.
The GM force has assured its council taxpayers that bits of the balloon were recycled. So assuming a scrap value of about ten quid, that leaves the taxpayers of Greater Manchester still in a hole for £79,990.
Extra Event Booked
As there's nothing much happening next year, Prince William is to marry Kate somebody [Kate Moss? Ed.] to give the souvenir trade a chance to warm up for the Olympics. So more happy faces in the factory boardrooms in China.
German F1 driver S. Vettel's victory in Abu Dhabi, which gave him the drivers' championship, is being credited to another German H. Tilke. He designed the circuit, and also the equally dull track at Bahrain, and made sure that overtaking and excitement for the spectators would be off the cards. His track left championship hopeful F. Alonso, the abundant recipient of Ferrari International Assistance this year, stuck behind 2nd division cars and ensured that the conspiracy to let Ferrari win the driver's title was thwarted.
Another bloody 'uman right
Moslems are told they should make a pilgrimage to Mecca only if they can afford it. There have been huge increases in tour operators' prices recently in response to an equally huge demand, and this has given Europe's Moslems the idea of having making a hajj declared a 'uman right, which entitles Moslems to a subsidy from the British taxpayer if they can't afford to pay for one. [Or even two or three or four. Ed.]
The perils of a news blackout!
Iran, North Korea, Yemen, Israel and other rogue states were reduced to a state of fear and trembling by the strike of overpaid BBC journalists this month. Nuclear submarines automatically assume that if there's no BBC news on the air, then World War 3 has started and they have carte blanche to fire off their missles at deserving targets. And what targets could be more deserving than the above notorious trouble-makers?
filed by Harridan Rodentperson special correspondent
"It is no part of Labour's policies for someone to be telling lies to get themselves elected", says H. Harperson, rejected Labour leadership hopeful. Since when?
Unacc-freakin'-ceptable? What sort of mealy mouthed creep comes out with that response to rioting by criminals on the streets of London?
Something else bad that's down to Blair
The taxpayer is having to hand millions in "compensation" to the enemy combatants who left Britain, were captured in terrorist territory, ended up in Guantanamo Bay and were released to squawk about being tortured. The government has decided it would be cheaper to pay off these unreliable witnesses than let them have their decade in court on legal aid.
The Labour party was doing the squawking when it was suggested that as Tony Blair's sucking up to the Bush regime was responsible for the mess, then he should be presented with the bill instead of the British taxpayer.
"The world must have gone mad when people making baseless allegations of torture are getting more than victims on terrorism receive in compensation."
I. Austin, possibly the only Labour MP with a sense of decency.
If you're wondering why you didn't get an email someone swears blind they sent, the Chinese are probably to blame. The People's Telecom of China is believed to be launching mass raids on the internet on a regular basis, much like Google did with its spy cars, and lost emails, and even more malicious ones containing a virus, are the fall-out.
Respect goes in both directions
The Scottish Football Association is trying to get its 48 clubs to sign an agreement promising not to question the integrity of referees. The clubs are saying they are quite happy to provide their promise AFTER the SFA guarantees the honest of its referees, one of whom (D. McDonald) was caught in the act of lying about why he reversed a decision to award a penalty to Glasgow Celtic.
Sorry for killing the planet!
The Green movement would like to apologize for getting it wrong on GM crops, nuclear power stations, climate change and most branches of science and technology, and for sticking to obsolete ideologies, which caused actual and significant harm to the environment.
"The perversion of science has encouraged the creation of monstrous bodies, which are supposed to create benefits for mankind, but which serve only themselves. The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, which was created by the United Nations Organization, is just one member of this herd of monsters."
Sorry for lying about killing the planet?
Computer climate models have been made to predict that if the temperature in the tropics increases by 2 deg.C, most of the forests will be killed off. But research into plant remains from historical epochs when the climate was much warmer has shown that trees can adapt and survive, to the chagrin of the Global Warming Swindlers.
"The main problem for forests is not global warming but human beings cutting them down and not replacing them," a spokesman for Romiley Climate Research Centre added.
No profit any more
The Chicago Carbon Exchange has decided to stop trading in permits for businesses to emit carbon dioxide because the bottom has dropped out of the scam at 5 cents/ton. The Global Warming Swindlers had hoped to create a global market worth ten trillion dollars but there have been so many scandals among the ranks of the warmistas that the wheels have come off.
"Ordinary people have allowed themselves to be bamboozled by a generation of scientists, who promise to save the world in order to pursue their own wild fantasies while lining their pockets at the taxpayer's expense."
Nice work if you can get it
They bang on and on about carbon footprints but a whole GANG of Global Warming Swindlers, including our own "Windmills" Huhne, have gathered at Cancun, a Mexican holiday resort, to dump BILLIONS of TONS of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. Each of the GWS will add roughly a UK citizen's annual output of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere in a fortnight while having a jolly good time at the global taxpayer's expense.
Death In Small Corners by Henry T. Smith
BlackFlag News would like to offer its readers a chance to read this work by one of Romiley's premiere authors.
Read the Book on the Romiley Literary Circle website
Read about the Book on the RLC website
Buy the Book at the Lulu.com website
Category : Crime, 1980s
O'Bama to O'Bummer after mid-term elections
It was an opportunity begging to be exploited but he blew it. Former Republican vice-president D. Cheney used to be chairman of Halliburton, the world's 2nd largest oilfield services corporation. Defective sea-bed cementing by Halliburton was responsible for this year's major oil disaster in the Gulf of Mexico.
If the president had dropped the blame on Halliburton instead of BP, he could have claimed that the Republicans caused the disaster. If he had, he might not have lost control of the House of Representatives and ended up praying that none of his senators goes down with a cold or is busted for corruption.
Change we CAN'T believe in
The O'Bummer regime has been caught in the act of editing the weight of expert opinion in a report to justify a ban on deep-water drilling for oil in the Gulf of Mexico. The president's personal vendetta against BP is believed to be at the back of it.
Burmese general electiongenerals elected!
Communist countries are famous for election victories in which the ruling junta gets over 100% of the vote. Burma's junta has just gone one better by "winning" the first ever national elections 3 days before the voters were due to trouble their local polling stations.
Bribery & Seduction
The Irish government is hoping to buy off customers angered by financial ineptitude worthy of a Gordon Brown Award by giving everyone a block of cheese paid for by European taxpayers.
"I don't wish to know that!"
A major study in the USA, which cost upwards of $4.6 million, has found that people spend half of their time letting their thoughts drift away from what they're doing, which is bad news for anyone travelling on the roads or in an airliner. The study found that people have their greatest sense of wellbeing during conversation, exercise and sex, and they are least happy during waterboarding and using a PC.