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KlingonEmail to the Daily Mail Editor
Dear Editor, In reply to your front page question on 2011/05/23: Yes, I don't know who the footballer with the super-injunction is; the one whose name was chanted during live TV broadcasts of weekend football matches and whose picture appeared on the front page of a Scottish Sunday Herald. And if you tell me his name, the chances are I'll never have heard of the bearded buffoon. See the attached photograph of a rat's ass to let you know how little I care about this whole sorry affair.
updateOne of the boy Wayne's assistants has been named & shamed in Parliament. So the lady involved in the affair doesn't have to buy a Man. Utd. shirt with his number on it. Is it the same guy as the one in the Sunday Herald? Who cares.


climate change sloganNot much of an effort
Global warming is getting the blame for rising food prices. Changes in wealth distribution and consumer ambitions, patterns of subsidies diverting food production into biofuels and other global warming scams, and sheer naked greed are all conveniently ignored, of course, by an argument which seeks to bamboozle people into believing that our climate has been totally stable for 11,000 years and it has changed abruptly only in the last couple of decades. Which is total bunkum.

climate change sloganOne cheer?
The government's Committee on Climate Change has had a collective brainstorm. Its members have realized that the Coalition's plan to build vast windmill farms off-shore won't work because you can't rely on the wind to blow when the nation needs power, like in the depths of winter. But the committee has failed to grasp the basic unreliability, and terrible economics, of wind power, and it wants to pollute the British landscape with vast numbers of windmills instead of sticking them in the sea.

climate change sloganNo cheers at all
The House of Common Criminals has wasted a big wodge of taxpayers' money on finding out that the Met Office; 2009's promised barbeque summer, 2010/11's mild winter; is totally crap at producing long-range weather forecasts.

climate change sloganThe GWS are at it again
One isolated event is weather, not climate, the Global Warming Swindlers yell when someone points out that it's getting colder, not warmer, and the Arctic ice is coming back after the annual melt. Yet Environment Minister Lord Hailey is in scare-monger mode. He would have us believe that this year's dry spring is a sign that the season will be much drier in the future and an inevitable consequence of failing to let the government tax carbon dioxide out of existence and not giving buckets of taxpayers' cash to GWS.

climate change sloganWhen politics overtakes science
The Royal Society, which has bought into the Great Global Warming Swindle big-time, is lobbying for the government to exempt climate change data from the Freedom of Information Act. Why? To prevent people from knowing what those pushing the Great Global Warming Swindle are doing to fiddle the data with a view to persuading governments to thrust vast amounts of taxpayers' cash into the swindlers' pockets.

The End of the World is INGH

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While Stocks Last

The Harold Camping School of Sensationalism
No sooner had we got over the shock of a misguided "end of the world" prediction from Bible student Harold Camping than a national newspaper, which used to be a respected broadsheet, joined in.
   theGrauniad, now a large-tabloid sensation sheet, brightened up the last Bank Holiday of the month with a prediction that the recession will lead to dangerous climate change.
   Of course, the dire prediction is the product of computer models which are used to perpetuate the Great Global Warming Swindle. Such programs fail to describe what is happening in the real world but they are excellent for creating notional "crisis points", which can be used to scare politicians into doing crazy things like taxing carbon dioxide.

climate change sloganGreat, and typical, planning
Good News: the Met Office is getting its own plane to measure what's happening in the atmosphere as opposed to what it does now – make guesses.
Bad News: The plane won't be delivered until June, i.e. long after the ash from the latest Icelandic volcano has blown away.

Crime News

KlingonNice to be proved right . . .
Everyone knows that locking up criminals is a good idea, if only to give the public a rest from their nuisance. Now, the Dept. of Justice (prop. Ken "the criminal's pal" Clarke) has found that putting criminals in gaol for 4 years instead of 2 actually discourages them from committing further crimes.

KlingonYes, it was a swindle
Six months on from the decision to give the 2018 World Cup to Russia, Lord Triesman, who led the bid by England, has denounced 6 FIFA members, who solicited bribes in exchange for their votes. He says he kept quiet during the bid to avoid blighting his country's chances. Which leaves us wondering why he kept quiet for so much longer after he got proof that the whole thing was rigged.
updateSepp Blatter, the boss of FIFA, says he's going to root out corruption and clean up football's ruling body. Blatter's reign at FIFA has been noted for the number of accusations of deception, mismanagement, illegal payments, rule violations and cronyism levelled at him over a period of more than a decade. Blatter dismisses them as "mistakes made now and then".

KlingonTotal waste of taxpayers' money
Network Rail has been fined £3 million of taxpayers' cash for the crash at Potter's Bar station in 2002, which is before Network Rail existed. Jarvis, the firm which caused the crash through its failures to perform maintenance contracts, went bust and those responsible for the crash have got away with causing it.

KlingonRipper gets posthumous super-injunction!
The Met is still totally embarrassed by its failure to catch Jack the Ripper. The degree of shame is such that Scotland Yard is blocking attempts by a former copper to access statements from informants, made in the 1880s.
   The denial is being enforced on the spurious grounds that Jack the Ripper's descendants might hunt down and attack descendants of the informers.

The European Union, better out than inThe European Commission's latest money-making scam
The EC has ordered farmers to keep 100% accurate records of all sheep movements, knowing that the electronic equipment available won't provide this level of accuracy. So farmers will be fined, food prices will go up and more money will flow into the EU's coffers for politicians and criminals to plunder.

KlingonDear Editor,
A correspondent was wondering why the former Bradford MP (Labour) went to gaol for expenses fraud but this doesn't happen to Liberal MPs. Could it be that Liberal MPs are gents while Labour MPs aren't? And all the Liberals are guilty of is following their party's official commandment to maximize their expenses using the booklet of instructions issued to them by the party?
[We were asked to publish this letter because theGroaner chickened out of doing it. Ed.]

KlingonOut of the woodwork
Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the boss of the IMF, ends up in court accused of attacking a member of staff at his hotel. The next thing you know, the French Establishment is saying it's no big deal and there's a queue round the block of women making complaints about assaults going back a decade or so.
   Same with Minister for Windmills C. Huhne. First, he's accused of putting points on his wife's licence, then there's a whole gang of people saying he did it to them, too. And he's also in trouble for alleged dodginess with his election expenses. But the Westmonster Establishment says it's no big deal.
   Will anything severe happen to either of them if it turns out that they deserve it? Experience tells us that's not really the way the world works.


Sir Henry Cooper, boxer & broadcaster, 78

He was British, European and Commonwealth heavyweight champion in his day, but never world champion because he was swindled out of a victory over the boxing legend Muhammad Ali after applying 'Enry's 'Ammer to his opponent's jaw. He was the first candidate to be declared BBC Sports Personality of the Year twice and he built a new career in television and after-dinner speaking after his retirement from the boxing ring. He was the chairman of A Question of Sport for many years and he was a 'natural' for advertising campaigns. He received an OBE in 1999 and his knighthood in 2000.


"Whispering" Ted Lowe, snooker commentator, 90

He was the hushed voice of snooker even before it became cheap, colour-essential fodder for BBC 2. Mr. Lowe got his commentating job by accident when the usual guy was "too well refreshed", and whispered out of nervousness and to avoid putting the performers off. TV producers liked his approach and he enjoyed a long career in a world of immaculately dressed competitors with a 100% solid code of ethics. He was a man who was prepared to let the pictures tell their own story, and he did not feel obliged to keep wittering on and delivering boring statistics, like present-day "commentators".


Osama bin Laden, criminal fugitive, 53

He inherited a fortune from a father who enjoyed most of Saudia's road-building contracts, and embraced the "Islam as victim" culture. He supported the anti-Soviet cause after the 1979 invasion of Afghanistan, and picked the United States as his next enemy after the 1991 Gulf war to liberate Kuwait from Iraqi invaders. He financed bombings of US embassies and 2 attacks on the World Trade Centre in New York. He was chased out of Afghanistan but found a refuge in Pakistan just 30 miles from the capital. Which explains why the Pakistanis were excluded from the operation by US special forces, which eliminated him. The body was buried at sea to deprive his supporters of a shrine, at which to worship.


Janet Brown, Impersonator, 89

Her career began on the stage and in films, she got work in TV sketch shows and sitcoms, and she was a member of the Who Do You Do? team when her career took off. Janet Brown could "do" Margaret Thatcher nigh perfectly and that skill earned her a show of her own; Janet & Company. She was also a regular on the long-running Radio Two show The News Huddlines and an essential members of Mike Yarwood's shows. The market dried up when Margaret Thatcher's run as prime minister was over, but Janet Brown continued to work in TV drama into this century.


Jeff Conaway, actor, 60

Another of the stars of Babylon 5 has "Gone Beyond the Rim" at a fairly early age. He began his career on Broadway at the age of 10, he was in the film Grease (1978) having played the lead role on the stage, and he went right into the award-winning TV show Taxi next. His subsequent film career took a decidedly sleazewards turn next but he appeared in quality TV shows, like Murder, She Wrote (in which crime writer Jessica Fletcher goes around America killing people and framing others for her crimes) and Burke's Law, and he played a member of the security staff, and then the boss, in Babylon 5, the best science fiction series of the 20th century.


KlingonMore official lies
The Financial Services Authority's promised to publish a report on how Fred Shred drove the Royal Bank of Scotland into the ground by March of this year. That promise has turned out to be worthless. Serial foot-dragging and Mr. Shred's super-injunction are offered as excuses.
updateThat the injunction has been busted and Mr. Shred has been revealed as a bloke who was busy pursuing an inappropriate relationship with a member of his staff when he wasn't covering up what was really going on as the RBS sank into the mire. Will the FSA do anything about it? Experience tells us that's not really the way the world works.

KlingonSpin not facts – how very New Labour
Police chiefs up and down the country have switched their information budgets away from telling people how many crimes are committed in their area to masses of self-congratulatory propaganda and attacks on government cuts to their perks.

black squareThe idea that Gordie Broon, who drove Britain into bankruptcy, should be put in charge of the International Monetary Fund is frankly ludicrous. Which probably means he has a good shot at the job. As for the idea that Dave the Leader supports making the Mandelsleaze the new boss of the IMF, well, ludicrous doesn't come in to it!

KlingonWell, that was unexpected
J. Scarlett, the spy boss who pretended he wrote the dossier of lies compiled by A. Campbell to give disgraced prime monster Tony B. Liar an excuse to start a war in Iraq, is getting a top job with the Iraqi branch of an oil firm.

Home News
UK Flag

KlingonWe just knew they were lying
Labour's claims that mass immigration from Eastern Europe would do wonders for the economy have been exposed as total tripe. The immigrants had no significant positive impact as any benefits were more than swallowed up by the huge cost of catering for non-English-speaking companions and children.

KlingonCalm down now, dears!
The boy Redward Milipede has announced that he has graciously accepted the referendum result on AV. But it doesn't matter whether or not he accepts it. The people have spoken, and 68% of them said NO, and that's it.

KlingonFrom Dirak Botaglio, special correspondent . . .
Apparently, official letters from Downing Street are never signed by the people who wrote them. There's a computer which makes up a false name, and creates a "handwritten" signature, for each occasion.
 • The system is believed to have been introduced to break the trail between dodgy decisions and Tony B. Liar.

"The signature on this document may be computer-generated at random to protect the author's security." Try putting that on your tax return!

KlingonThe Americanization of Britain continues
What was that about at the Cup Final? Some woman singing a verse of the National Anthem instead of just letting the band play it. At least she didn't make the performance an act of torture, like the ladies at the Super Bowl. But NO MORE, please. Meanwhile, congrats to Man. City for their 1-0 win.

KlingonTuough on Crime? Any fule kno that!
D. Laws (Triv-Dem), who cynically & persistently defrauded the taxpayer with false expenses claims for 10 years, has received a Draconian punishment from the House of Common Criminals. They decided that he had to endure the indignity of a week's holiday from the Palace of Westmonster.

black squareThe Attorney General faces being summoned to the Bar of the House of Common Criminals and forced to buy a round for daring to suggest that MPs should not be allowed to say what they like in Parliament.

KlingonAw, shucks!
Big disappointment for the Hampshire police. They scrambled a chopper and a gang of marksmen on the strength of a report of a tiger lurking in a field at Hedge End, only to find that the white tiger was a life-size cuddly toy.


KlingonSo what do they know, anyway?
The people making a living out of public health have been moaning about the amount of salt consumed by the average Brit forever. Now, it seems, we're officially not scoffing enough and everyone is going to die of a sodium shortage. So does this mean that all the jobsworth council officers, who went around issuing salt-shakers with no holes in the top at chips shops, are going to have to issue a grovelling apology for ruining the nation's health?

blacksquareThe latest medical shock-horror – blowing your nose causes a stroke of the subarachnoid haemorrhage variety. Drinking coffee and violent exercise, including sexual activity, are even more dangerous.

KlingonSo what do they know, anyway?
If you think it's bad for the health of the legal system when politicians and their cronies invent laws, see how much worse it gets when unelected judges are allowed to usurp the job.


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His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

Romiley News

All change, some for the better, some not
Syd Lloyd is back on Stockport council representing Romiley, the Gnats have turned out to be the natural party of government in Scotland and the Liberals have been wiped out by a protest vote to Labour's benefit, while the Tories have been reshuffled a bit but largely undamaged.
   The protest was against cuts made necessary by the last Labour government's decision to spend the country into bankruptcy and leave nothing to show for all the taxpayer's cash hurled into Gordon's Brown Hole. But don't look for any sense in politics!

KlingonTwo speeds; dead slow & stop
Why will whatever Network Rail is doing to the railway bridge at the station take 4 months? Well, if you go anywhere near the bridge, you never see anyone doing anything to it, which could have quite a lot to do with the generous duration assigned to the project.

KlingonPointless posturing
What does Stockport Council's aspiration to turn the town into a city mean to the people of Romiley? Well, more of their council tax being blown on free lunches for usual suspects over the next year for starters.

space news

The last launch of the space shuttle EndeavourOne last time, as last!
The space shuttle named after Inspector Morse has made it into space successfully on its final mission to the International Space Station.
   Endeavour is the newest of the small fleet, built to replace Challenger, which was lost to a predictable launch failure in 1986. If it makes it back to Earth in one piece, the shuttle's next stop will be a museum; after decontamination.
   The US shuttle programme has one more mission planned; a launch of Atlantis in July. But given the amount of messing about that seems to accompany the final few launches, there is a strong feeling in the space community that we'll be lucky to see the last of the series before next year!

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KlingonMiracles do happen?
Corsham Centre needed to score 24 goals to win their amateur league in Wiltshire. They duly beat Maud Heath 25-0. An investigation is on-going, the league's management has announced. [It's a wonder it wasn't 55-0 if they were playing just a girl called Maud. Ed.]

KlingonLateral dictatorship
The Gaddaffiy regime is building children's playgrounds on top of all of its command 'n' control bunkers in an effort to deflect NATO bombs. But the big giveaway is that they're always empty because kids don't have the clearance to get through the umpteen layers of security around them.

KlingonAt it for ages
No surprise that Sepp Blatter is up in front of FIFA's ethics committee for looking the other way while the leaders of football administration at a world level wallowed in a swamp of bribery and corruption. The time has clearly come for everyone at the top of FIFA to get the sack summarily and without compensation, and for Interpol to be brought in to find out who got what corruptly ahead of a Commission of Restoration of Corruptly Received Perks.
updateNo surprise that FIFA, which seems to be rotten from top to bottom, has declared S. Blatter innocent of all charges past, present & future, and removed the only competition from the presidential election to make Herr Blatter a shoo-in for keeping the job.

black squareOxymoron of the month: "FIFA ethics committee".


The EU, better out than inMore Euro hot air?
What price the EU's travel ban on dictators? Pres. Mug of Zimbabwe seems to have had no trouble with travelling to Rome, which is in Italy, which is a member of the European Union, to watch the present Pope beautify past pontiff John-Paul II.

KlingonDeath is good business
The Bin Laden house has become Pakistan's new No. 1 tourist attraction. Fast-food vendors are making a fortune out of the gangs of visitors and there are plans to put souvenir mugs and other merchandise on sale in local shops as soon as Chinese factories can knock them out.

blacksquare Security staff at the Reichstag have been told to keep an eye open for Triv.-Dem. C. Huhne, who is eager to be propelled into the top job by an outrage.

KlingonRocketman does it again
The Swiss "adventurer" Yves Rossy has flown his personal jet pack over the Grand Canyon in the Hualapai Indian reservation. He called off a planned attempt on Friday May 5th because he wanted to practice. But he went the next day, without the benefit of publicity, because he wanted to pick the right moment with the best wind conditions. And he didn't want the news meeja breathing down his neck.
blacksquareMr. Rossy made a much more impressive flight in September 2008, when he crossed the English Channel going north.

blacksquare Gordon Brown's good at one thing – he's better at hiding that Osama bin Laden.

KlingonWhy don't they just pack it in?
Iceland seems to have got hold of the wrong end of the stick when it comes to recycling. Last year, this rogue nation brought air travel in Europe to a halt with one of its volcanoes. And it's trying the same trick again this year.

KlingonGood news for Spring Bank Holiday travellers
The Met Office has withdrawn its dire guess of Britain becoming knee-deep in volcanic ash over the bonk holiday weekend in favour of a much less dire guess.
 • The Met Office is having to make guesses about the amount of ash in the atmosphere because the Irish are using the plane which the Met Office shares with them.


Oh, Bummer!The rush to "justice"
Pres. O'Bummer was rushed into an assassination of America's most hated man by two factors. No. 1 – he has done nothing at all for the basket case, which is the US economy and he needed a HUGE distraction with the possibility of re-election on the horizon. No. 2 – the Pakistani government was about to send a census form, with the usual dire enforcement threats, to the bin Laden encampment, which would have made him run for his life again.

black squareThe BIG question now is what the guy who shot Osama is going to spend the $25 million bounty on.

blacksquare The BIG question now is who's next-in-line to be America's new Most Wanted?
updateApparently, it's some diminutive Mexican drug baron, which doesn't have quite the same cachet.

KlingonWhat's the bottom line?
All these faux Islamistas who are claiming that Mr. Laden was buried at sea unconstitutionally – what are they really after? An apology? An expedition to recover the body so that it can be deposited in a suitably magnificent shrine? Cash compensation?

KlingonHistory & Truth as unlikely bedfellows
Funny how the White House's tale of the Demise of the Monster is a script in production. It's probably because people made stuff up to cover gaps in their knowledge to avoid looking like an idiot; and ended up looking like an idiot. So there's endless editing of the official story going on (to make Mr. President more re-electable) and endless disinformation tossed into the mix by the Monster's supporters & clients.

KlingonGoodwill to all terrorists
The Archbish of Cantab is "very uncomfortable" because Mr. Laden didn't have a gun in his hand when he was exterminated. Does anyone give a rat's ass? And how many of the people Mr. Laden had murdered were holding a gun when they were killed?

KlingonOn hold permanently?
Iran has chickened out of a judicial blinding of a man who blinded a woman by throwing acid into her face when she refused to marry him. The country is noted for being relentless in applying its mediaeval justice system, and not noted for being worried about international opinion.

KlingonA fact of life
Are we surprised that Asians are stopped at our borders and questioned about terrorist intentions more often than anyone else? Given that most terrorists come from Asia, if they're not from the Middle East, Ireland and various bits of Africa, not really.

KlingonSend them a message they'll get
The war criminal Ratko Bagic has been sheltered by the Serbs for 16 years. So that's how long their application to join the European Union, and sponge off the British taxpayer, should be left to fester in the Pending tray before anyone even looks at it. And if the old sod is too exhausted after hiding for 16 years to face trial, a couple of bullets won't cost much.

world news

KlingonDecency demanded in Florida
From this month, it will be illegal for stupid kids to wear their jeans with the waistband a foot below their waist to put their underpants on show. The good people of the Sunshine State have lost patience with daft fashions like not tying shoelaces. First offenders will get a warning, persistent offenders will be shot down like rabid dogs in the streets by the police.

Klingon"Logic, but not as we know it, Jim"
Moslem terrorists have killed 87 fellow Moslems in Pakistan to "avenge" the termination of terrorism backer O.B. Laden by US forces. Apparently, mass murder is an essential element of affirming the greatness of the terrorists' god.

KlingonThe source or nothing
Anyone wanting to watch the launch of the space shuttle Endeavour live didn't have much luck on British TV. The news channels of the BBC, Sky, CNN, etc. all seemed to be intent on not showing it. In fact, the only way to be sure of viewing the launch in real time was to fire up a computer and go to NASA TV.


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Far Queue List

Far Queue symbol C. Huhne, triv-dem millionaire, who doesn't think Coalition politicians should disagree when it's Cameron disagreeing with Clumsy Clegg, but it's okay when Huhne is trashing Cameron.

Far Queue symbol The Pakistani government and its military for keeping quiet about where Mr. Laden has been hiding for the last 5 years.

Far Queue symbol The industrial tribunal which decided that the BBC is a religion.

Far Queue symbol All the Lib Dem losers who think they're owed a sweetie because their AV plan was rejected by the British public.

Far Queue symbol D. Laws, Lib-Dem MP, who was allowed to use being embarrassed about his homophilia as an excuse for making false expenses claims.

Far Queue symbol South-West Trains, which sacked station master I. Faletto for unblocking his line and keeping the trains running.

Far Queue symbol Raffaele Bendandi, Italian seismologist, died in 1979, who predicted that Rome would be obliterated by an earthquake on 2011/05/11, and anyone who believed his worthless prediction.

Far Queue symbol IMF boss D. Strauss-Kahn's political career after allegations that he launched a drunken attack on a maid at a New York hotel.

Far Queue symbol Environment Sec. & Liberal-socialist millionaire C. Huhne's credibility after accusations that he avoided a driving ban by putting his points on someone else's licence.

Far Queue symbol Judge C. Hanson, who ruled that a foreign criminal can't be deported on 'uman rights grounds because he has a girlfriend.

Far Queue symbol The judge at Cambridge crown court who failed to send a serial burglar down on the grounds that the little scroat is allergic to prison.

Far Queue symbol Harold Camping, who worked out that the Apocalypse would begin at 6 p.m. on Saturday May 21st using numbers he found in the Bible.
updateMr. Camping has admitted that he can't add up. Armageddon will actually begin on October 21st, which is Trafalgar Day, by the way.

Far Queue symbol M. Gaddaffiy has been abandoned by the Russians, his former eager supporters, in the expectation that Russia will now get lots of favours for joining the club.

Far Queue symbol Pres. O'Bama for pretending he's Irish, the usual election stunt for American politicians.

Far Queue symbol The BBC for making up stories about Mrs. Thatcher such as "she told people to get on their bike and look for work" when it was Normal Tebbit who pointed out that this was what his old dad did with an implied invitation to 'go ye and do likewise'.

Far Queue symbol "Far queue, far queue very much!" – Frank Zappa.

The Far Queue: the traditional parking place for everything "not wanted on voyage".

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