 No more overcrowded trains
Crosscountry Trains have come up with a plan to make their trains a little less like the ones in India, which have people on the roof and bodies hanging off every graspable surface. Crosscountry plan to abolish cheap fares to make poor people stay at home and give the more fortunate a chance to sit down.
 Laughed into oblivion
Chasing M. Gaddaffiy out of his personal "compound" has allowed stand up comics in the ranks of the rebels to put on his uniforms and do cod speeches at the official Q'ddaffiy ranting podium. This is in line with the philosophy that it is better to turn a failed tyrant into a figure of fun than a gaolbird who can cling to a few shreds of dignity.
  Medical revolution?
The BMA is to allow family doctors to pray with their patients. So appointments in future could go like this:
"Hello, Mr. Smith, what can I do for you?"
"I've got this terrible pain in my left knee, doctor."
"I shall pray that you get better, Mr. Smith. Next!"
Laugh this off!
A professor of evolutionary biology has decided that the human body stops ageing at 93. But the snag is that to reach this grand old age, you have to live on a caveman diet. So that's no beer, no chips and definitely no burgers and no chocolate. Hardly worth the effort, is it?
 "Look out, he's got a gun!"
You have to wonder at the competence of coppers with guns after the attempt to arrest London gangster M. Duggan. Two shots were fired (that the police have admitted). One hit Duggan and the other nearly took out a copper; who was saved by a police radio rather than the traditional silver cigarette case. Maybe it's something to do with all the hysterical screaming, which coppers with guns always seem to do on TV.
Money well spent?
Watching an hour's TV will cut 22 minutes off your life. Smoking a single cigarette does for 11 minutes of your life. The world is supposed to be neck deep in debt but doesn't it warm the cockles of your heart to know that governments can still find the cash to support daft 'research' like this?
The Rats R Innocent!
The latest theory about the Black Death of 1348 is that the rats and their fleas were wrongly blamed and humans passed to one another, what was probably an early experiment in biological warfare, which escaped from a government lab with lax security. And it wasn't bubonic plague, it was something similar which killed everyone.
Oh, Calamity!
Our deputy prime monster seems to think people will be impressed if he sounds off about opportunistic violence in relation to the plague of arson, looting and whatever in London. Which leaves us wondering if he's in favour of something more organized when it comes to violence.
 Us, too! Us, too!
The Birmingham branch of the LPCC (Labour Party's Client Community) has started sympathy riots, not wishing to feel left out. See the usual Antisocial Sources [F*ce*ook, Twi**er, et*.] for details of where and when to join in.
 The LPCCs in Liverpool and Bristol also feel strongly that drug dealers in London should be allowed to carry firearms without being hassled by the Feds (police).
Hey, loot, innit!
The RAF has come up with a brilliant new plan to wreck the Gadaffy regime in Libya. Night bombing missions are blasting holes in the security walls around his palaces and other strongholds so that looters can sneak in to give the devalued dictator a hard time.
Gadaffiy's bunker has been liberated. It turned out to be full of gold-plated stuff but there was no sign of the occupant. He is believed to have legged it through one of his escape tunnels, possibly as far as Venezuela, where they still think he's a jolly fine fellow.
| Robert Robinson, broadcaster, 83 |
He was the chairman of essential viewing like Ask The Family, Call My Bluff, Points of View and Brain of Britain; a serious man with a light touch and a love of language. He never bought the artificial froth and controversy which the BBC began to thrust into formerly serious news programmes. He was a champion of intelligence when broadcasting was sinking into triviality, and his wit and wisdom lives on in his collected journalism and his novels.
| The 60 Watt Incandescent Light Bulb |
The EU will ban the manufacture of these workhorse light bulbs at the end of this month in favour of compact fluorescent lamps (CFLs). The stated intent is to save the world by reducing carbon dioxide emissions but the result will be that the customer is screwed by the EU yet again. An 11 Watt CFL is touted as the replacement for the 60 W bulb but it gives 3/4 of the illumination, it costs 10x as much and it never lasts anywhere near the number of years stated on the box. And CFLs are made with rare earth metals from China, which are shooting up in price. So anyone who didn't buy lots when the Sainsbury's in Romiley was flogging them off at 10p each will be ever so screwed.
 Proportionality?
A rioter who stole 6 bottles of water worth £3.50 gets a 6-month sentence. An MP who stole thousands of pounds via expenses fraud spends 4 months inside and emerges looking like he's been to a health farm. And they call this justice.
Laugh that off!
The government is planning to get something back for all the taxpayers' cash pumped into Afghanistan by setting up a boot camp for rioters. All those convicted of rioting, robbery, etc. will be sent to a special "no frills" encampment in Southern Afghanistan, where the Taliban will boot them about until they promise to behave nicely.
Welcome home!
Sacked IMF boss D. Strauss-Kahn is expected to receive a hero's welcome, similar to the one offered in Libya to the Lockerbie bomber A. M'Grahi, when he returns to France. For some peculiar reason, this benighted country likes its potential leaders to feel entitled to grab anything they fancy – taxpayers' cash, hotel maids, whatever.
 Who do they think they are, Gordon Broon?
The EU Commission is to investigate dishonest budget airlines, which pretend that they can fly you anywhere in the world for a couple of quid and then slap stealth charge after stealth charge onto the base price when you try to book a ticket.
• There's no word as yet on whether the EC is going to do anything about budget airlines advertising flights to capital cities but landing their planes fifty or more miles away.
As much empathy as a brick!
Was it tactful of theGrauniad to publish a full-page advert for the Observer Food Monthly opposite a full-page feature story about people starving in Africa? So much for the editorial staff's sensitivity training!
A Roman closed shop
Tourists in the Italian capital are getting lots of aggro from the characters who dress up as Roman soldiers to extort cash and rip visitors them off with stories of tours which turn out to be bogus. Anyone who tries to get in on the racket is beaten up by the Colosseum Mafia, who seem to be immune to a law banning commercial activity in archaeological areas unless they cause trouble serious enough to attract police attention.
• The city managers of Rome promised to introduce a licensing system for the "centurions" back in 2002. Holders of the licence were to be fluent in English and required to abide by authenticity regulations for their costume. But nothing every came of the plan.
 $300 million down the drain so far
The second test flight of the hypersonic Falcon NBG lasted 4x the duration of the first test. The unmanned plane stopped talking to its handlers at the US Defence Advance Research Projects Agency some 36 minutes into the test. But no doubt the American taxpayer will be keen to fund another go.
Seychelles shark warning
If you go there, you are liable to be killed by a shark (but only if you go swimming) – but don't expect any warning from the local authorities or tour operators.
Multicultural Menace
Network Rail has been ordered to remove multi-language signs at a level crossing in Worcestershire in case English-speaking drivers slow down to puzzle out what they hell they're about (especially the Polish version) and cause a crash.
 The start of a 5-year trip
There was a "10-minute hold" at T minus 4 minutes, which lasted for about an hour and a half while the engineers discussed possible leaks in a helium pressure line, but NASA eventually got the Juno exploration craft into orbit on the first Friday of the month to start a journey to Jupiter.
One extremely puzzling thing about the launch was the official time of it. According to NASA, the rocket took off from Cape Canaveral in Florida at 12:25 p.m. local time or 16:25 GMT. Which doesn't explain why people watching the launch on NASA HDTV in England could see that the launch time, by the display on their PC, was five to six, or 17:55 BST. Most curious.
NASA Nutter
Is it an April Fool or is it just another load of rubbish in theGrauniad? According to the paper's science correspondent, the guys at NASA have suggested that spotting rising levels of greenhouse gases in our atmosphere could persuade aliens to attack the Earth before we become a threat to the rest of the galaxy. The Groaner must be really short of adverts, and really in hock to the Global Warming Swindlers, if it has to fill up space with rot like that!
| PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Her Majesty's Coalition Proudly Announces the formation of:
The Carbon Council
"Hoping to reduce CO2 emissions to prevent an alien invasion" |
Britain's newest quango will be staffed by usual suspects and have a budget in excess of £120 million in the first year. From Day One, its mission will be to ensure the safety of our planet from the threat from outer space newly identified by NASA scientists. The Coalition has vowed to spare no expense to keep Britain, and our Planet, safe and secure. |
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Laugh that off!
The mayor of Vilnius in Lithuania has come up with an effective solution to the city's parking problems. He summons the meeja and drives along the city's streets, crushing illegally parked vehicles as he goes. The campaign has led to a surge in sales of replacement Rolls Royces, Mercedes & Ferraris, which are casually dumped in cycling lanes by owners too arrogant to think they'll be challenged.
• Sadly, this isn't happening in real life and the film released by Mayor Zuokas' office was all set up using a car which was about to be crushed and actors. But it's definitely something that could work!
 Strictly in the spirit of investigation
A bloke in Sweden has been busted in possession of samples of radium, uranium and americium. His story is that he wanted to find out if it's possible to split the atom in your kitchen. But when he tried to cook up a nuclear reaction, all he managed to do was blow up his stove. He then committed the cardinal sin of stupidity; he phoned the local fuzz to ask if he'd done anything wrong. If convicted, he faces a 2-year separation from the kitchen of his flat in Angelholm.
 Anything goes
Putting up a satellite dish is a 'uman right, says the discredited Equality & 'Uman Rights Commission @ Strasbourg. So tenants of rented properties of all types, and even listed buildings, have an absolute right to a dish and an absolute right to sue if anyone dares to say 'no'.
Soviet-era fakery?
V. Putin, who feels entitled to be the next president of Russia as of right, is in danger of reducing himself to a pathetic figure of fun if he keeps up his silly stunts. He has capped his bare-chested photo opportunities with diving into water a vast 2-metres deep to "find" a couple of Greek amphorae, which were planted especially for the occasion. The world now waits to see how desperate he gets as the election period approaches.
Deutschland Über Alles
Germany is getting tough with the rest of the eurozone. If they are to have their economies propped up, they will have to stop spending like a drunken Gordon Brown, obey rules laid down by their paymaster and sign up to a German-led financial superstate. Who needs democracy and independence anyway? [Who can afford it? Ed.]
• Next thing you know, Mrs. Merkel will be bringing back the Stasi to make sure everyone stays in line.
Congrats!!!
A grateful nation offers its undying gratitude to Jenson Button for winning his 200th Grand Prix start in somewhat soggy Hungary. We really do need the occasional winner.
Spicing up viewer interest in F1
In the light of the success of the Hungarian Grand Prix as a viewer spectacle, and other wettish races, there has been a rule change for Formula One. All tracks expecting to host a Grand Prix in 2012 will be required to install sprinklers, which will be linked to a computer monitoring a Viewer Satisfaction Index. And when the customers start yawning, artificial rain will start falling.
Bridge collapsing
What do you get if you hold a relationship-building basket ball match between teams from the US and China during a junket by the anonymous US vice president? In the case of Georgetown U. versus Peking's Bayl Rockets – a major punch-up, spectators chucking chairs and everything else they can get their hands on, and the match abandoned.
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We've turned over a new leaf, honest!
Dr R. Pachauri, the railway engineer who chairs the UN's much discredited Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, would like us to forget past scandals and believe his rewritten version of history. So the IPCC's promotion of the WWFN's scare story that Himalayan glaciers could disappear by 2035 never happened. And neither did the claims that global warming will destroy 40% of the Amazonian jungle and halve crop yields in Africa. And please don't mention the notorious "hockey stick" temperature graph, which was concocted to "prove" the existence of runaway man-made global warming.
Green destruction
Global Warming Swindlers are fond of inventing imaginary "tipping points", at which climate change becomes irreversibly catastrophic. But they have created a real tipping point in the British economy. Bogus green taxes are starting to cost the country jobs and investment, which are going to less taxatious regimes abroad.
No doubt Global Warming will be blamed . . .
Parts of New Zealand suffered their worst snowfalls and blizzards in living memory this month. Roads, schools, airports, shops, etc. were closed across the South Island, and thousands lost their electricity supply when power lines were trashed.
• The country's active volcanoes are located mainly on the North Island and have been of little help to the beleaguered South Islanders.
Just so you know
In terms of building costs, it's £11,000,000 per megawatt of capacity for wind farms but just £500,000 per megawatt for new gas-fuelled power stations. So wind costs 20x more to build, and wind farms also receive a subsidy of 200% on the electricity they supply (when they're actually producing). They are also paid to stop producing when the wind blows too hard to prevent overloading the national grid. So if you're wondering why your electricity bill is so bloody high, it's the EU's and Dave the Leader's stupid policies which are to blame.
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Totally useless
The EU's rules for fishing quotas in the North Sea wasted catches of cod worth £2,700,000,000 between 1963 and 2008. There are noises being made now about reforming the Common Fisheries Policy but the citizens of Europe can have little confidence in a body which takes 50 years to spot that it is doing something totally stooopid.
p.s. No signs of anything being done about the Common Agricultural Policy, which was designed to put money into the pockets of inefficient French farmers at everybody else's expense.
Gesture imprisonment
Sacked MP J. Devine served a mere 4 months of a 16-month gaol sentence for expenses fraud. E. Illsley and D. Chaytor also got early release; 12-month sentence, only 3 served and 18-month sentence, only 4½ months served respectively. Which is a fine statement of how seriously the government takes crime by MPs.
Non Sequitur
Yes, the police have become contemptible jobsworths, with the occasional notable exception, through the pernicious New Labour years, and yes, they are led by senior officers who bought, or pretended to buy, the whole New Labour culture of a society without values or blame in order to get on. But how does any of that excuse looting shops, arson and murder?
Just a bit off track!
If one small Royal Wedding this year nearly sent the economy into a slump, imagine what next year's Olympics will do. And how much the government is spending on spin doctors right now to explain it away.
Yeah, right
The British Olympics is supposed to be "on schedule and on budget". But is that the £2.4 BILLION budget used by the Tony B. Liar regime to sell it, or the £10 BILLION which the budget has become so that the whole thing can be delivered on budget?
US goes in for heavy money?
The TEA Party wing of the Republicans has forced Pres. O'Bummer's Democraps into signing up for $2tn of cuts over the next decade. $2tn? What does that mean? Two tons of dollars? V. heavy, man!
Gotcha squared
The Inland Revenue is investigating the coppers who took bungs from the Murdoch empire with a view to jumping all over them if they failed to declare every penny of their ill-gotten gains. Income is income, the Revenue believes, whether it comes as a reward for honest toil, drug dealing or doing under-the-counter favours for newspapers.
Yeah, right, Gordon!
The Broon spendthrift is trying to position himself as a guru of greatness in the financial sphere. The man who deliberately trashed the British economy with a reckless spending spree would have us believe that the Germans and the French got it wrong on Greece and they should have listened to him. And so should Pres. O'Bummer.
Are we being swindled? Will we ever know?
Ofgem has set forensic accountants loose on the books of the Big 6 energy companies. There are strong suspicions that they have been lying about their profitability; pleading poverty while ripping off their customers with prices which shoot up and never shoot back down again. But don't hold your breath. There will be nothing released before next year. If at all.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
He's been called the Blogger of the Decade
His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now! |
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It's 1984 all over again
Bill "The Bouncer" Hague has evicted the rest of the staff of the Libyan embassy on the grounds that their regime back home is no longer recognized by Her Maj's Govt. It is believed that as many as 3 residents have not yet taken the opportunity to defect and claim asylum, benefits and a council house in Britain.
• The last time there was a clear-out of Libyan undesirables was in 1984 when WPC Yvonne Fletcher was shot and killed by a Libyan "diplomat" wielding an automatic weapon at one of the embassy's windows. He was allowed to leave the country untroubled by justice.
They just can't get it
The Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority has lost a third compliance officer in a year or so. The cult of secrecy is so deeply ingrained at the Palace of Westmonster that the staff checking up on MPs' expenses claims are physically unable to name and shame the ones making really outrageous claims, and they keep resigning.
Not me, gov!
Tottenham went up in flames during the 2nd weekend of the month when a peaceful demonstration about the right of citizens to bear arms in the borough was hi-jacked by arsonists and looters from outside the area.
Relax, she's got it covered
Joan Collins, famous septuagenarian actress, plans to take a load off our collective minds. She knows exactly what needs to be done to fix our broken society, so she'll be taking charge of that little job. She plans to export all fools, which should do wonders for Britain's bulging population after New Labour abolished border controls, make thieves wear signs, abolish vulgarity and pound a sense of right & wrong into young thugs until the streets are safe again.
The power of bad press!
No sooner had the Blair Legacy website added the recent nationwide riots to his list of "achievements" than the old swindler was gushing in the Labour press about how he's not to blame for breaking society and spreading decay and corruption throughout his 10 years as prime monster. They really must have got him worried!
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The proprietors of the Belgravia police station in London, who want their customers to ring them about anyone whom they SUSPECT of being an ANARCHIST or a MOSLEM TERRORIST.
"Far queue, far queue very much!" – Frank Zappa.
