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 Definition, Schmefinition!
American pizza manufacturers are getting Congress to declare that pizza counts as one of the "Five A Day" (because of the tomato paste on the pizza base) so that they can continue to supply their products to schools which have a healthy eating policy for lunches.
 The EU – what the hell is it for apart from wasting huge amounts of OUR cash?
The European Food Standards Authority has spent 3 years and millions of euros on finding that drinking water doesn't relieve dehydration – thus proving that the members of the human race, and its prototypes have been getting it wrong for millions of years by drinking water when they felt thirsty.
 The EFSA's current projects are believed to include a study aimed at proving that food does not relieve the effects of starvation and oxygen is a deadly poison rather than a gas which is essential for human survival.
Tax & Grab
Stockport Council's ruling Liberals have sacked over 20 school crossing wardens to save money. They have no plans to cut the council's marketing budget, especially the areas which amount to shameless self-promotion for the Liberal party, and they have voted themselves increases in allowances for councillors. So it's no wonder we have the highest levels of council tax in the country.
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Lethal Old Pals Act?
 
After being terribly grumpy with our PM for daring to point out that the franco-german alliance is running Europe to ruination with its antics over the euro, PM Merkel & PM Sarko are suddenly Dave the Leader's best mates. Just as they made the Greek PM their best mate just before he got the bullet. And they made the Italian PM, Mr. Berlusconi, a bosom buddy just before he ended up a busted flush. "Those whom the new gauleiters of Europe wish to destroy, they first befriend." Watch your back, Dave!
 Grab & Waste
The EU's accountants have refused to endorse its accounts for the 17th year in succession. Fraud & incompetence are on the increase but the response from the European set is to demand a huge budget increase at a time when most of the economies in the eurozone are failing. It's almost as if Gordon Broon had been moonlighting as a financial consultant to them.
 Bandwagoning shamelessly
FIFA was shamed into letting our national football teams wear poppies for matches close to Remembrance Sunday. Next thing you know, the EU's Cultural & Education committee wants the EU brand on the outfits for all participants of all sports played in the EU territory. And the EU's flag flown at all events. Which will cost a bomb at a time when we don't have any money because Gordon Broon spent it all. So the only possible reply is: "Bog off Brussels!"
The worst of the worst?
Chancellor Merkel grew up in a part of Germany which exchanged the Nazi regime for the dead hand of Soviet communism and she's a product of the East German Stasi society. Which doesn't offer much hope for the rest of us if she and her party ever get control of Greater Europe and abandon democracy completely.
The European Commission is hoping to prevent Facebook from spying on its customers and selling on data collected about them to advertisers.
More EU Fraud
The European Commission's "emissions trading scheme", which is supposed to save the world from global warming by taxing emissions of carbon dioxide by letting spivs sell licences to CO2-emitting industries, has paid out £186 BILLION to the spivs over the last 6 years whilst achieving a ZERO reduction in carbon dioxide emissions.
They think it grows on trees
The European Commission wants our government to spend billions of pounds, which it doesn't have because Gordon Broon spent all our money and a lot more, on refitting old buildings according to the latest green fads & fashions. The plan is to make the buildings more energy efficient, even if the money spent will be many times greater than any savings made through lower energy costs. And, of course, the EC has given no thought to whether or not we can afford to its latest money-blowing scheme.
 It's all about the money
The rent-a-mob dossing on the steps of St. Paul's cathedral is making noises about staying put until the Olympics next year, which will cost the church over three-quarters of a million quid in lost tourist income. So maybe the church's management should consider holding outdoor services and passing a collection plate around. That would make the part-time protesters melt away!
Some of the rent-a-mob have found that their policy of sneaking home at night, or retiring to a nearby hotel room, has cost them a tent. There have been reports of "protesters" sneaking back in the morning, only to find that their pitch has been occupied by a homeless squatter.
 Sabre rattling
The presidents of France & the USA might be sick of him and think he's a liar, but the Israeli PM, B. Netanyahu, is confident about dragging Pres. O'Bummer into a war with Iran "before Xmas". Why? Because Mr. O'B needs the Jewish vote if he's going to have any hope at all of being re-elected.
 Dave bogs it up again
Surprise! The Alky Ida flag is flying in Benghazi, the seat of the revolting Libyans, and the new regime is planning to keep the people in bondage by imposing a legal system based on Sharia law. Is this really what Dave the Leader intended when he blew a BILLION quid of money we don't have on bombing the Gaddafiy regime to bits?
 In the event – all talk
Saif Gaddaffiy, when he was safely away from danger, told the world that he would fight to the death against the masses of Libyan dissenters. So how strange that he gave up without a struggle when he was eventually tracked down and down to his last few thousand bucks of pocket-money.
The legal profession is now drooling at the thought of the money to be made out of a war crimes trial lasting for a decade or so. So maybe it would be a good idea for Saif to have a little accident on his way back to Tripoli? No one not on the Gaddaffiy payroll would be all that bothered.
Ve are ze masters again!
The Irish budget is currently being inspected by the German government, who will be paying for most of it, to make sure that the right austerity measures are in place, which kinda makes a nonsense of Frau Merkel's protestations that her country isn't trying to take over the whole of Europe.
Bureaucracy Junkies!
The National Audit Office has found that attempts to cut police red tape aren't working because the coppers themselves became addicted to pointless paperwork under New Labour, and they'd rather be at a desk in a warm cop shop shuffling useless bits of paper than exposed to the public, criminals and the weather out on the mean streets.
Washed whiter than white!
Dirty coppers are being allowed to quit the force one jump ahead of prosecution with their pension benefits intact and with no stain on their employment record. So it's one law for us and another for bent coppers.
Rogue bureaucrats
B. Clark, head of the UK Border Force, and 2 of his understrappers are now at home, doing nothing, for secretly abandoning between July and the end of October, passport checks designed to keep terrorists and criminals out of the country. Clark clearly thinks that New Labour's open door immigration policy for undesirables in still in force. It is reported that he's not being allowed to resign so that he can be sacked if an investigation proves misconduct in office. But like that's going to happen!
Winning the race
There are now more in-use mobile phones than people in Britain – but if this useless government fails to reverse New Labour's open door policy on immigration, that won't be true much longer.
 Physics professor buys edible boxers, just in case?
The European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) has been firing more bursts of neutrinos at the lab in the Italian Alps to test the surprising and controversial result reported in September. And yes, the latest batches of neutrinos have also been making the 454 mile trip at a speed faster than that of light. Sceptic Prof. Jim Al-Khalili of Surrey University is waiting for physicists in the United States and Japan to repeat the experiment next year before he'll even think about fulfilling his promise to eat his boxers if the result is real.
Oh, no, they haven't!
The Faster Than Light neutrinos have been down-graded to "virtually the same speed as light", so Prof. JAK can have a normal Xmas dinner.
 It's only taxpayers' money, after all
The government is planning to give hundreds of millions of pounds of aid money to South Africa, which has the continent's best-organized economy, to pay for its space programme, as happens with "aid" to India and China.
 Could there be a swindle going on?
If Global Warming is due entirely to the human race dumping vast amounts of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, how come global temperatures FELL after World War 2 when there was vast amounts of industrial activity going on? And how come global temperatures went up again but STOPPED RISING in 1998, before any governmental carbon reduction scams went into effect?
Don't look for answers from Prof. Richard Muller of the Berkeley Earth Surface Temperature project, which has been trying to bodge together a definitive temperature record covering the last 200 years using disparate sources. He's too busy trying to sell the Great Global Warming Swindle to be bothered about details like a stop to it. Which has upset at least one of his co-workers.
 We're all doomed!
Thought you could put your woolly vests in a charity bag now that Global Warming has us in it's comforting grip? Think again. The "experts" are forecasting a repeat of last year's exceptional winter at about the middle of this month, with temperatures down to -15 deg.C in December, snow all the way through to January, and around 25,000 extra deaths as a result of the cold weather.
 Could there be a swindle going on?
Wind turbine operators are being paid to turn off their cash cows if the wind blows strongly enough to make them noisy enough to annoy the wind farm's neighbours. So the subsidy junkies get their cash and the taxpayer gets no electricity for the money, and has to pay for power from proper power stations to make up the deficit. No wonder the Duke of Edinburgh (and lots of others) thinks that windmills are a fairy-tale energy source.
Yet another swindle
The Greek nation and its government seems to be playing a cynical game of brinkmanship with the EU over its bail-out. The plan would appear to take the country right to the verge of default so that the other European nations will be so pathetically grateful to get a deal that they let the Greeks dump a lot more than 50% of their debt.
Eurodemocracy in action
The Greek prime minister tried to hold a referendum on the eurozone bail-out – in the cradle of democracy – so that his nation of tax-dodgers could share the blame for the austerity measures needed. But the Franco-German bloc told him that his country would be chucked out of the EU if he dared to go ahead. Result: no referendum.
It's the way they tell 'em!
China has awarded to Vlad "Bare Chest" Putin this year's Confucius Peace Prize for his outstanding efforts to keep the world peaceful. Who'd have thought the Chinese had such a well-developed sense of humour? But at least the prize; only about $16,000 rather than the million you get for a Nobel; will buy Vlad the Poseur a few shirts to cover up his nakedness.
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Just what we need!
Gordon Broon and his Labour cronies have left the country broke, the economy is in the doldrums thanks to the EU's shenanigans, so what does the chief cashier of the Bank of England do? He brings out a new £50 note. Like anyone apart from bankers ever saw one of the old ones.
Apparently, the reason why he did it is that none of the notes currently in circulation has Chris Salmon's signature on it. But will anyone ever see his signature on the new notes? Apart from the odd banker when he counts his bonus?
The integrity of EU figureheads
The new Greek PM, L. Papademos, lied about the state of his country's finances when head of the Greek central bank to sneak his country into the eurozone. His reward was a top job with the European Central Bank then the premiership of his country without the benefit of an election. The new Italian PM is another eurocrat stooge, who was imposed on his country's parliament rather than elected to it. M. Monti is a former EU Commissioner (and therefore on the EU's payroll) and a usual suspect.
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Not exactly new stuff, chaps!
One cheer for the Chinese space program, which has succeeded in docking an unmanned spacecraft, Shenzhou 8, with a unmanned prototype space lab, Tiangong 1, in orbit by remote control. The Americans and the Russians have been doing it for over 40 years so it's no great technical achievement. But no doubt the Chinese spies who "borrowed" the blueprints from the senior members of the space club will be feeling quite smug.
 Off to Mars
NASA has launched a one-ton, car-size rover called Curiosity to the Red Planet, the home of gremlins, which have claimed 24 of the 39 previous missions. The new rover is aimed at Gale Crater, which is very old and very deep, and contains a mountain, so there is plenty for the geologists.
If it gets to Mars, the rover has one more extraordinary hurdle to overcome: it is so big that it needs a rocket-powered sky-crane to give it a survivable landing in the crater. Once on the ground, the nuclear-powered rover has a 2-year mission, which NASA hopes can be extended, like those of Spirit [now defunct] and Opportunity [still trucking].
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The public sector union leaders, who are agitating for a strike despite a wonderful deal on pensions, which leaves their members far better off than the wealth-generating private sector.
"Far queue, far queue very much!" – Frank Zappa.
