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 Like a thief, but not in the night
How telling it was that, following an election tainted with massive fraud, V.V. Putin was driven to his coronation @ the Gremlin through Moscow streets which had been swept clean of pedestrians and other traffic to make him a man even more isolated from reality.
 Not needed on voyage
Should we be bothered that Greece doesn't have a government? The Belgians did without one for well over a year, but nothing terrible happened to them.
 A European political progression:
Merkozy –> Merkollande –> Merde.
 And the heavens opened . . .
Don't you think there's an air of divine disapproval lingering over Pres. Hollande, the new bearer of France's poisoned chalice? The posturing sod was soaked to the skin when he did a victory parade in an open-topped car, then his plane was struck by lightning when he flew off for a whinge at Chancellor Merkel.
 Pakistan strikes blow for international terrorism
Dr. S. Afridi, who helped the CIA track down terrorist leader O. bin Laden in Pakistan, has been gaoled for 33 years for exposing the Pakistani government's collusion with fugitive Islamic terrorists. To ensure his conviction, the Pakistani kangaroo court denied Dr. Afridi the right to counsel and the right to offer a defence.
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Close, but no cigar!
SpaceX got their countdown almost all the way to "Liftoff" before a computer shut everything down and aborted the first ever supply mission to the International Space Station by a private company. But the Space Exploration Technologies Corporation could take comfort from the fact that their expensive bit of kit didn't blow up, like some of NASA's early efforts, and they had another window of opportunity to do it again in 3 days' time.
The rocket lacks the flexibility of a shuttle supply mission as it has to be launched exactly at the right moment to make a rendezvous with the ISS. But it's a lot cheaper. As well as 1,000 lbs of non-essential supplies, the rocket's cargo included tiny bits of cremation remains of 308 people, including James Doohan, who played Scotty in the original Star Trek.
 They finally got the bird off the pad the promised 3 days later – to the relief of all SpaceX's shareholders. A night-launch made the event all the more spectacular, and now a few grams of Scotty of Star Trek will be "spending eternity resting in space".
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Revolutionary thought!
Dave the Leader could do a significant bit toward combatting binge drinking by making MPs pay pub prices in bars at the Houses of Parliament instead of letting them sponge off the taxpayer with a 50% discount.
Tony B. Liar has hired a spin doctor to prepare the world for his return to UK politics as Earl Liar of Baghdad.
We're still waiting to hear where the S.o.a.B. plans to start the war.
 So what does it prove?
The Tories and the Liberals took a licking at the local elections, everyone who wasn't a Tory or a Liberal got lots of votes, Boris Johnson, not a Cameroony, was re-elected as mayor of London, and the turnout was one of the lowest ever. What it proves is that no one wants the Tories, the Liberals or even the Labour mob, who caused the mess we're in, and the whole election is irrelevant in the context of the next general election.
Action replay, but better
The Cup Final was rather like the Manchester Bragging Rights Derby all over again, with the Chelsea guys in blue shirts doing most of the good stuff but the Liverpool guys in red shirts putting in a lot more effort than Man. Utd. managed.
Tories in bed with Google, shock-horror!
MPs are getting a 17-day holiday – on full pay – to help them celebrate the Queen's Jubilee properly.
 Elf 'n' Nazi "Bozo of the Month" Award
Taking the biscuit this month has to be the genius employed by Somerset council, who decided that the people of Burnham-on-Sea couldn't attach Jubilee bunting to lamp posts in case the weight of the bunting made the lamp post topple over and kill someone.
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 Moroni Perpetua
Staff at Scotland Yard have been told that the words blacklist (bad guys) and whitelist (good guys) are banned. They have to use redlist and greenlist instead as a more appropriate use of language in a professional, policing environment. How very New Labour!
0.2% makes all the difference
Boris Johnson (pretend Tory) got 51.5% of the vote in the election for London mayor and had a "tight victory", according to the BBC. Francois Hollande (Socialist spendthrift), in contrast, won "a clear victory" with his 51.7% of the vote in the French presidential election. Could it be that the Beeb is not quite as honest and impartial as it would have us believe?
Contender for Year's Dumbest Criminal Award
An 18-year-old kid wandered into a police station in Texas with his hand covered with a white towel, pointed the hand at a cop and told her: "Gimme all your money." K. Manuel is now saying it was all a big joke. He's still in gaol facing attempted robbery charges and, as it was in Texas, he's lucky he didn't get his head blown off.
"Slow down, you bastards!"
The Police Federation reckons that coppers are now too scared to put their foot down when chasing criminals. Why? Because they're worried about being done for speeding and/or dangerous driving by some jobsworth copper with nothing better to do with himself and prosecuted by a brain-dead jobsworth in the CPS.
Freedom of speech fight-back
A campaign has been launched in Parliament to scrap section five of the 1986 Public Order Act "until the nation's police forces prove that they have the competence to enforce the act sensibly". The Act bans the use of ''insulting words or behaviour'', but the current opponents (including David Davis and two-thirds of MPs) say there is too little explanation of what that category should include.
• Most arrests under the Act result in failed prosecutions and the waste of thousands of pounds of taxpayers' money.
Stealth is best
The BBC has built up a cash reserve of £140 million. It is believed that there will be an epidemic of secret bonuses paid when the Queen's Diamond Jubilee and the Olympics are out of the way.
What did you expect?
In response to complaints about the high price of official Olympics merchandise – e.g. 7 quid for a pen – the organizers wish it to be known that their souvenirs are no more of a rip-off that the stuff on offer at any other major event.
translation: Of course, it's a rip-off. What did you expect?
 Taxpayers' money so who cares?
Over the last five years, the Coalition and the last lot let Ofcom, the media regulator, spend £2,500,000 on teaching people how to watch television. Milibandit Labour has announced that it will throw a whole lot more money at this terrible problem, given half a chance. No wonder the bloody country went broke under New Improved Labour.
What's a billion bucks either way?
JP Morgan is supposed to be in trouble after a rogue trader blew a couple of billion bucks on rogue trades. But as that amount will barely put a dent in the bonus bucket, we're still wondering why the wet hens are flapping.
What's a more bob down the drain?
Scotland Yard's investigation into phone hacking by the defunct News of the World is expected to put some £400 million into the pockets of coppers, lawyers, judges, court staff and others involved in the legal trade.
Another rip-off on the way
The Parcelfarce division of the Royal Mail will be adding a quid to the cost of all parcels sent to central London during the 7 weeks of the Olympics. And for your customer pleasure, all delivery targets will be scrapped. Value for money? Forget it!
 BIG fine pending?
Google has been "harvesting" information from unsecured computer networks since 2008 using its spy-cars, which hope to photograph every street on the planet. The cars were armed with software which was written to gather commercially exploitable data, but Google lied about this when challenged. What we would like to know now is whether there will be a Leveson-style inquiry into Google's hacking activities, or whether the government too deeply into Google's pocket to dare to do anything. Also, will the European Commission be investigating Google for breaches of EU privacy laws with the prospect of a fine of 10% of the company's income in prospect?
Why should there be a tax on pasties 'n' pies, hot or cold, or static caravans anyway?
Definitely an "I" for Initiative
The organization running UKPaintball.co.uk has come up with a totally legal way to hunt foxes. They put someone who can fun fast in a well-padded fox suit and let a gang of up to 10 punters chase the fox with paintball guns. Athletic volunteers willing to be the fox are in great demand.
 What the Hell for?
The government, it seems, has a target for getting HALF of Britain's men obese by 2040. The target for female obesity is only 40%, which demonstrates the institutional sexism of the people running the NHS.
Who'd have thunk it?
This month's wonder food is the potato. It's full of vitamins, minerals and nutrients, and a whole lot better for you than bananas, broccoli, beetroot, nuts and avocado – allegedly. Spuds will also lower the blood pressure and they won't make you fat. So the government might be planning to ban them to reach the target in the item above. Something else that's good for weight loss is capsaicin, the mouth-searing ingredient in red jalapeno peppers, so they could also end up banned.
Not getting any better
Britain has become a nation of sleeping pill junkies. An abrupt rise in sleep disorders due to stress began when Gordon Broon was imposed on the nation as prime monster without consulting the electorate. The damage done to the nation's collective psyche shows no signs of being abated.
Newly fashionable in the disease line
The latest curse to afflict "the business community" is Presenteeism. According to the boss of the TUC, it's the opposite of absenteeism, and refers to workers who are too scared of losing their job to go sick, so they struggle in to work and infect everyone else with whichever horrible disease they have. Except in the public sector, of course.
Let them eat statins
The latest notion to come from the experts is that everyone over the age of 50 should be obliged to scoff statins on a daily basis to prevent deaths from strokes and heart attacks. So who's going to pay the pensions of people who live longer as a result of the policy? Assuming it works, of course.
 Record-breaking, yes, but memorable?
The April just gone is being billed as the 3rd wettest since records began in 1725 – only 1756 and 2000 have been wetter. There's probably no one around any more who remembers 1756 but does anyone actually remember April 2000 as being exceptionally wet? No one we know does.
The good news about the wetness of April is that it rained most of the country out of drought. Just the South-East and the Thames Water area are still claiming to be in trouble, even though their pipes are so porous that they keep all ground-water sources well topped up with nice, clean processed water.
 The masses deserve to be unwashed!
Lord Carter (Labour, multi-millionaire) would like the price of water to soar to stop poor people wasting it on baths, watering gardens, doing washing up, etc. It's his way of tackling Global Warming. Luckily, the Consumer Council for Water isn't listening to him.
 No fool like one in the public sector
Huddersfield council spent £100,000 on installing a couple of wind turbines on the roof of the town's Civic Centre in 2006. Unfortunately, there's never much wind there, so the turbines don't produce much power, and they cost £6,500/year to maintain. So the council is now looking for someone to tell them where else to put the turbines.
• The bunch of spivs who told the council to put the turbines on the Civic Centre has gone out of business.
 German common sense
The EU's energy commissioner, G. Öttinger, thinks that subsidies to wind power should be abolished as quickly as possible and that taxpayers are already being ripped off mercilessly to pay for renewably energy thrust upon them by the Great Global Warming Conspiracy.
 Reverse shrinkage?
Despite wails about savage cuts from the BBC and other outposts of 1930s-style communism, the Department of Climate change has been allowed to add a further 250 Global Warming Swindlers to its already overstocked, public-sector payroll.
Hoist & Petard
The Murdoch machine's enemies in the Commons would like to drag News International executives to the Bar of the House for ritual humiliation. 2 small problems, however. 1. A Parliament which is full of expenses thieves and members who failed to take responsibility for their often criminal actions lacks the moral authority to shame anyone. 2. New Labour's 'uman bloody rights laws won't let them do it.
Following this month's elections, the concept "rich bastard tax-avoiders should not be allowed to vote" has been extended to include "or become Mayor of London."
Especially if the person involved had a big chunk of his election campaign paid for by someone who's a major league tax evader.
It's not necessarily the size of the bang that counts, it's where it is!
The undercover guy, who let a bunch of Arab terrorists put a bomb in his underpants so that the good guys could study it, is in line for a reward of over a million pounds. Which sounds fair enough, given the consequences of premature detonation.
Spot the difference
Tony B. Liar/Rupert Murdoch is not fit to run a country/major news organization and he is 100% to blame for the scandal and lies over Saddam Hussein's non-existent weapons of mass destruction/phone hacking at the News of the Screws.
Is a House of Commons committee an independent forum capable of making judgements on Mr. Murdoch? Especially if it's overloaded with Labour MPs who want to sock it to Mr. Murdoch for dumping unelectable G. Broon? And one of the Labour MPs is a Broonite enforcer with a book to plug?
Is Mr. Murdoch entitled to suffer the same fate as Mr. Liar, i.e. get away with everything?
Do what you like as long as you do what you're told
The Labour Tendency is seeking to impose new rules on the meeja industry, the principal one being that you are unfit to run a blog, never mind a major TV company, if you don't support Labour. So there's still none of that Democracy rubbish floating around under the Milibandit.
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Standing room only
The Coalition, or at least Dave the Leader, has the perfect solution to long queues at airport immigration desks. Instead of ordering the UK Border Agency to stop sacking people at a time of staff shortages, Dave is going to put up the cost of going through immigration to drive poor people out of air travel and reduce queues. Brilliant! |
"I could have sworn it was there when I set off!"
Czech police had to stop a lorry driver who was bowling along with a front wheel missing. He had a perfect excuse, though. He claimed that he had been breaking the permitted hours regulations so comprehensively that he had been too tired to notice the wheel come off.
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Dear Ed., How curious that the Daily Wail should be mocking Richard Dawkins (militant atheist, Charles Darwin admirer) for making himself fitter to survive. Or does the Wail think using a private tutor is cheating?
Q>Nige149 [Note: Mr. Dawkins' parents gave him private tuition to get him into Oxford U. Ed.]
Labour MP T. Watson, who stands accused of fixing a Commons report on Rupert Murdoch and News International's phone hacking as a publicity for his book and revenge for his former boss, G. Broon.
"Far queue, far queue very much!" – Frank Zappa.
