DEPARTURES

Fiona Bone, 32, Nicola Hughes, 23, police officers

They went to a house in Hattersley, Hyde, to investigate a report of a burglary and ran into a lethal ambush. The prime suspect, who turned himself in to the police afterwards, was the subject of a hunt involving the entire Greater Manchester police service and costing £150,000 per day. He had been arrested for killing a fellow gangster in Clayton, Manchester, in May and he was bailed to become the prime suspect in the murder of the dead gangster's father last month. "Hanging is too good for some people" would seem to apply in this case. No doubt the Can't Prosecute Service is now arranging counselling for the offender and wondering how long his community service sentence should be.

WAR NEWS

Just straight manipulation
Why is the Israeli government pretending that it plans to bomb Iran? Because the Israelis know that if they don't do it, America will owe them a HUGE sweetie to make up for the disappointment of not getting to start World War III.

Trouble-making to get noticed?
The Milibandit Tendency is planning to install V. Cable in 11 Downing Street as Chancellor should Labour form a coalition with the Liberals. Which sounds like a move calculated to enrage the Milibandit's arch-enemy E. Ballsup, who thinks that being Chancellor is his job as of right.

PM declares National State of Emergency over Gategate
Dave the Leader has called in a team from the Paris police to investigate which members of the Metropolitan police leaked information to The Scum about the Tory chief whip's encounter with a jobsworth police officer. The PM understands political tactics and it is clear to him that the police are trying to get their alibis in first. Their case is particularly weak in the light of the revelation that the chief whip was allowed to pass through the gate several times earlier in the day, and then fell foul of a particularly obstructive copper.

Putting the blame where it belongs
It would appear that everyone has been doing sacked prime monster Tony B. Liar something of an injustice. The 2003 war in Iraq was not entirely his fault – J. Straw, foreign sec. at the time, has admitted in his memoirs that he could have prevented the war but he chose not to.

SPORT NEWS

Fall-Out Fears
Following the decision of Mitt the Twitt Romney, Repubelican presidential candidate, to dare the Iranians to let off a dirty bomb in Chicago, home of the American Crunch team The Bears, fans of their long-term divisional rivals, the Green Bay Packers, are wondering if the radioactive cloud will drift some 200 miles north and blight their team's season, too.

NFL cries foul but still downgraded over Pickgate
The status of TV broadcasts of the National Football League of the United States has been reduced to that of TV wrestling by a unanimous decision of the International Television Grading Panel. American football is currently in crisis due to a lock-out of the usual officials, who are all part-timers and in dispute with the league over a pension deal. Replacement officials have been brought in and their slow, bizarre and contrary decisions have brought the sport into severe disrepute.
   The most heinous example of a wrong decision occurred at Seattle, Washington, on the last Monday of the month. The Green Bay Packers, visiting the Seattle Seahawks, were cheated out of a victory by bad officiating, despite an abundance of replay evidence, and the Pickgate scandal has proved to be the NFL's undoing, credibilitywise.
   In an official statement, the ITGP announced that the facts of the case are so clear that no appeal will be permitted during the current season. The NFL may apply for regrading from entertainment to sport for the 2013/14 season, however.

CLOTH EARS

What was that again?
"Here is our Stupid Knowledge correspondent" was heard on the BBC's News Channel @ 14:21 hours on Friday, 21st September.

ROMILEY NEWS

Romiley streets found to be paved with gold!!

Council begins strip-mining operation as a matter of urgency . . .

It was all a big mistake

+ + + Council forced to repave all stripped roads + + + Council Tax set to soar + + +

CLIMATE   NEWS

Reinstated!
Death Valley "enjoyed" the hottest temperature ever recorded; 134 deg.F; in 1913 – and that's official again. A temperature of 136.4 deg.F reported from Libya in 1922 has been dismissed as inaccurate after a detailed examination of the methodology used. A new and inexperienced operator, who was using technology which was obsolete even in 1922, was out by around 13 deg.F, a committee of the World Meteorological Organization has concluded.

Pick your spot to support your particular theory
Anyone who wants to "prove" that global warming is destroying glaciers is advised to head for the eastern and central Himalayas, where they are in retreat. Anyone who wants to "prove" the exact opposite will find evidence of glacier growth in the western regions. Which only goes to show that you can prove anything you want if you cherry pick your evidence.

RETURNS

Good King Dickon

Bones found under a social services department car park in Leicester are being DNA tested to find out if they are the remains of King Richard III. If they do prove to be those of our last English king, who was betrayed and done to death at the battle of Bosworth Field in 1485, then the tourism and souvenir trades should be able to count on a boost from a state funeral of fitting proportions. And there will have to be some considerable rewriting of history to counter the character assassination by Tudor spin-doctors and fellow travellers.

It's all over! — You can come out now. Our humble thanks to Boris the Boss for:    Getting us the Games;                Running them so well;                      Winning all the medals; and                         Making a huge profit!

DEPARTURES

Herbert Lom, actor, 95

The Czech-born actor appeared in over 100 films during his career, which lasted some 60 years, including Ealing comedies and blockbusters like El Cid (1961). He was the master of sinister characters and appeared in a number of Hammer films. His first appearance in what became his signature role came in A Shot In The Dark 1964. As Chief Inspector Dreyfus in the Pink Panther series, he became increasingly crazy and homicidal in response to the bumbling of Peter Sellers' character Inspector Clouseau. The role gave his profile a welcome boost; with the attendant risk of typecasting. Mr. Lom also wrote two novels: Enter A Spy (1971) and Dr Guillotine 1993.

DEPARTURES

The Green Belt

The government has decided to stop protecting the Green Belt. Instead, councils will be allowed to give planning permission for building on existing Green Belt land provided they offer protected status to some other bit(s) of land which no one wants. As a result, large stretches of the current Green Belt will disappear to be replaced by a multitude of widely dispersed, small, brownish patches. This is what Dave the Leader thinks is the best way to look after the countryside.

	TRAVEL NEWS
No great rush, then? Sir H. Davies, who used to be boss of the CBI, is to head an independent commission into where the new airport capacity for the South-East of England should be located. Brilliant! Except that he won't be reporting his findings for three bloody years!!! By which time, all the "work" done in the first couple of years will be out of date and a waste of time. If this is typical of how government "works", no wonder we're stuck in the hell of a mess into which the unlamented G. Broon dumped us. Showboating Tory MP N. Dories is making herself unpopular with the whips by suggesting that it's time to throw the kill-switch on the D.Cam Project.

FOOD NEWS

Alibis in place . . .
Fyffes, a major importer of bananas, is blaming a planned price jump, in part, on "the poor exchange rate against the dollar". In fact, the £ to $ exchange rate is exactly the same as it was a year ago, around $1.50 to the £, so someone is telling porkies to justify profiteering.

COMMENT

Nothing changes
Is anyone surprised that D. Cameron pretends to support the Christian point of view whilst his minions are trying, at the taxpayer's expense, to persuade the European Court of Human Rights that Christians shouldn't be allowed to wear a cross in the workplace? George Orwell called it Double Think – the ability to hold two contradictory positions and believe that both are truth. The rest of us call it the typical hypocrisy of a professional politician.

Going for the sympathy vote
J. Straw, one of the particularly useless New Labour ministers who never had a proper job in his life, is now hoping to make some cash out of his memoirs, which claim that it wasn't his fault that he was useless because he had a hard life.
Straw's memoirs would have us believe that Tony B. Liar thought it would be a good idea if Straw succeeded him as prime monster instead of Gordon Broon. Which is a further example of Mr. Liar's contempt for the British public; wishing a duffer like Straw on us instead of his arch-enemy (and duffer in different ways).

Does the Prime Minister have too little on his plate?
It would appear that he does if he can take the time to go on TV to comment on the behaviour of his Chief Whip; a job traditionally held by someone with the sensitivity of a brick; who had to apologize to a jobsworth copper, who wouldn't let him take a short cut while he was on his bike.
[The fact that the guy in question is a foul-mouthed, hypocritical tax-dodger who is too big for his boots is neither here nor there. Ed.]

DOSH NEWS

Oh, Calamity!
Supporters of J. Assange, the Aussie fugitive hiding out at the Uruguayan embassy, have lost the £200K, which they posted as bail for the blighter. Which should pay for a couple of days of police siege at the embassy after the administration staff have taken their cut. A further £140K is also up for grabs if the depositors fail to find a way to wriggle out of paying up.

Making more room
The government is removing planning restrictions on building domestic and commercial extensions and conservatories to boost the economy via a cash injection to the construction sector, which is believed to be lobbying behind the scenes for a subsidy scheme like that for loft and wall insulation, the ultimate object of which will be to create more places to stash the immigrants flowing across Britain's unregulated borders.

Here's a thought . . .
The Leveson Inquiry into press standards has cost £4 billion thus far and the estimated final cost is at least £6 billion. So how about a windfall tax of 98.5% on all the lawyers and judges involved?

The worst of the worst
Lloyds Banking Group is the favourite for this year's Gordon Broon Award to the worst-run and least customer friendly bank in the country. Having been hauled up for in mis-selling of PPI insurance, ignoring complaints about bad investment advice, helping to rig Libor, the inter-bank lending rate, driving customers into bankruptcy with complex loan deals and achieving the highest complaints rate in the first 6 months of 2012, the bank is now under investigation by the Enforcement and Financial Crimes division of the Financial Services Authority over its rip-off financial products.
A correspondent writes:
Now I know why I keep getting letters from LloydsTSB saying they've been trying to contact me (which they have via the letter) but not managing to do so, and would I kindly drop in at my local branch or, indeed, any branch in the country. Looks like it was all an attempt to get me alone with someone who would try to sell me a dodgy financial service, which would be no use to me but which would help the seller to a big bonus. Which leaves me feeling rather glad that I have ignored the letters.

What bloody cuts?
MPs awarded themselves a 26% rise in expenses over the last year. One of the biggest grabbers was D. Milipede, who was rejected as Labour party leader and who feathered his own nest to the tune of £500,000 last year – which explains why he's never in Parliament, doing the job he's paid to do by the poor old taxpayer.

A survey by the OECD has found that despite New Labour's policy of throwing money at the education system, standards fell heavily, proving that the cash needs to the aimed at something worthwhile rather than just hurled around aimlessly.

Falls over in amazement!
Davey Boy Cameron's much-mocked happiness survey has delivered a shock result. What makes people really, really happy is having lots of dosh! Well, who'd have thunk it?

HEALTH NEWS

The cheek of the sods
The 'Elf & Safety Executive, conjunction with the Play Safety Forum, is complaining that a "cotton wool culture" is eroding children's freedom to play outdoors. Maybe someone should mention that it was their absurd rulings, like kids having to wear crash helmets and goggles to play conkers, and their decision to rip all the climbing frames and roundabouts out of playgrounds, which caused the problem in the first place. So maybe a "sack the whole bloody lot of them culture" is the solution.

	HOME NEWS
'Uman Rights for all (with some exceptions) Professor John Tulloch was born of British parents in India, where his father was serving as an officer in the British army. He was raised and educated in Britain, and he has held posts at universities in Britain and Australia. He acquired a measure of unwelcome fame by surviving an attack on the Tube in London by an Islamic terrorist in July 2005, and he become an icon of British resilence. But he is obviously not British enough to stay here because the Home Office has confiscated his passport and left him liable to be separated from his family and deported. The courts allows foreign terrorists, murders and other criminals to remain in Britain if deporting them would breach their 'uman right to a family life. Clearly, the same doesn't apply to someone who is white and respectable. Defending the intangible Historian T. Holland is in trouble for mentioning that Islam is a made-up religion in a Channel 4 programme called Islam: The Untold Story. But aren't all religions strong on "tradition" rather than fact? And isn't that what religion is supposed to be about – belief in things which the "wise men" have said rather than knowledge and confirmable historical fact? The outgoing ArchBish of Cantab wishes it to be known that he is not responsible for the British economy's current financial disaster. Appalling character at the BBC discloses content of private conversation with the Queen — this is not an apologizing matter, BBC, sack the blighter immediately.

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