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SO WHERE IS IT? BFN's employees, their relatives and everyone we know (and a lot of people we don't know) are still waiting for our share of the $1M Nobel prize awarded to the people of the European Union rather than its eurocrats, who are bound to steal it.


Forget the guy on the left!
Residents of the south-west of England, most of Wales, Yorkshire and large areas of Scotland are advised to stock up and stay put, as there is a lot more rain and flooding to come. [Only kidding! It's going to stop raining. Ed.]
   Reservoirs and aquifers might fill up to overflowing, sogginess will be universal, but the European Union will continue to mutter about higher taxes to combat droughts caused by the Great Global Warming Swindle. The argument for getting out has never been stronger.

Worser & Worser!
The third week of this month was full of drama. On the Wednesday, we were being promised 4" of snow everywhere on Friday. On Thursday, the Daily Disaster was telling us: "Don't even THINK of travelling anywhere tomorrow!" and promising 10" of snow in Romiley and up to 15" elsewhere. And yet, local councils have been bragging about how prepared they are for any amount of snow. Who will win? The doom-mongers or the confident councils?: Watch this space!
p.s. Romiley residents have reservations after seeing in the Daily Disaster at the beginning of the week, a photograph of a kid building a snowman in nearby Macclesfield when snow was almost impossible to find in Romiley. Ed.

Skiving can save your life?
The 2 operators of giant crane near Vauxhall station had a lucky break when both of them overslept. Neither was in the crane when a helicopter demolished it in early morning fog. On the downside, with the crane out of action, they could lose their jobs.

The successor to annoying PPI phone calls
A ruling in the European Court of InJustice has left airlines liable to compensation payments for delays going back to 2005. Strikes and extreme weather don't count but mechanical faults, crews not showing up, over-booking and other self-inflicted problems do. Air fares are expected to double over the next 3 years to put the airlines back into profit after the compensation culture has savaged them.


weatherNurse, he's out of bed again!
"These dark times are like the 1930s", the new Archbish of Cantab reckons. Yeah, right. Just like the Thirties with obesity instead of rickets, plus binge drinking and mobile phones and iPads and all the other expensive trends and gadgets.

weatherThe mind boggles
D. Hartnett, the former head of HMRC, who was accused by the Commons public administration committee of lying, is now advising the HongKong & Shanghai Bank for Criminals on honesty.


GW sloganThe spin goes on
Some of the Met Office's "experts" are blaming the recent wet weather on man-made climate change, even though the same weather pattern happened in the 1950s and there are no records available before 1910 to reveal whether it happened at the beginning of the 20th century. In reality, the Met Office has no scientific explanation for the wet period at the start of the 21st century, but the Global Warmistas are still in charge.

killer whales trapped in ArcticMake your minds up!
One minute, we're being told [by the warmists at NASA and the Met Office] that all of the ice at the Arctic is melting and sea levels will rise by 26 feet, the next there's a story in the Daily Disaster about 17 cute killer whales trapped in Hudson Bay, and in danger of drowning because their breathing hole is freezing over.
   International Rescue, and the Canadian ice-breaker service, were unable to respond to pleas for help but, luckily for the whales, a shift in the wind blew a channel in the ice and let them escape.

GW sloganWarmistas in a tizz
The Met Office, a notorious nest of Warmists, is in even more trouble for sneaking out a report admitting that global warming stopped in 1998 – on Xmas Eve last year, knowing that there would be no newspapers published on Xmas Day. The latest guess is that global temperatures will remain as they are until at least 2017. Of course, the Warmist lobby has redoubled its level of puffing and blustering, as it does when its income is threatened by the facts.

GW sloganMore grist for the statisticians' mill
The threat of a couple of days of snow did wonders for supermarket sales in Wales and the south of England. Panic buyers emulated locusts by stripping the shelves bare.
 • No doubt some bright spark will work out that 75% of the panic buys, instead of the usual 50% of purchases, was thrown away rather than consumed.

black squareOver 5,000 schools were closed by can't-do panic-mongers at the first fall of a snowflake this month.

GW sloganManaged melting will save the nation!
The Environment Agency came up with a brilliant plan to prevent floods ahead of an anticipated surge in the temperatures; -13 deg.C to +13 deg.C.; at the last weekend of the month: everyone was ordered to build lots of snowmen because compacted snow melts more slowly than snow just left lying around on the ground. Itís nice to know that the government has such lateral thinkers in its employ!

world news

O'Bummer"Don't Panic!"
The O'Bummer regime was intent on extracting maximum political advantage from his country's lemming-like dash for the Fiscal Cliff. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to have grasped the art of blackmail and the American people now see him as a weak president who will end up selling them out no matter what he does. The Repubelicans, in contrast, are now seen as wreckers, but wreckers with muscle.

weatherOkay if you're not paying for it!
President O'Bummer's trips to and from Hawaii to postpone the crash over the Fiscal Cliff have cost the American taxpayer around $8 MILLION. Plus all the interest they'll have to pay for adding that amount to their monster mountain of debt.

weatherStick it up your junta, Missus!
The president of Argentina, C. Kirchner, is in deep political trouble at home – so deep that she is having to threaten to invade the Falkland Islands in an attempt to whip up some support for her regime. She either doesn't know what happened to General Galtieri and his gang or she must think Dave the Leader is as soft as he looks.

weather"History, but not as we know it, Jum!"
The Department of Culture Vultures is planning to blow vast amounts of taxpayers' cash on commemorating the whole of World War I without upsetting the Germans. So we will be told that a war started for no apparent reason in 1914, millions of people died mysteriously over the next 4 and a bit years, and then it all just stopped in 1918 and everyone became pals again.

weatherDo as the boss says!
The upsettable Germans are definitely calling the shots in the EU. Our wishy-washy Leader, Call me Dave, finally decided to deliver his much-put-off Europe referendum speech on Tuesday January 22nd. But he was told to change his plans when the Germans found out because he'd be clashing with one of their jamborees. So Dave had to ring around telling everyone that would be doing the speech on the Friday before.

black square The Court of Appeal in Cameroon has upheld a five-year gaol sentence imposed last year on R. Mbedo, who was convicted of sending a text message to another man

weatherOnly some sovereignty matters?
The British people have been complaining about loss of sovereignty to the EU for ages. Dave the Leader likes to pretend that sovereignty matters, so it was very strange to see him issuing orders to Algeria when terrorists attacked a gas plant on their sovereign territory. It's okay for other governments to offer help and advice in such a situation, but to imagine that he has the right to order the Algerian government around suggests that Dave has as much respect for the concept of sovereignty as a typical EU figurehead.

weatherPres. O'Bummer sworn in again in secret
As he had to sign on for a second term on a Sunday, the ceremony was held as far out of the public gaze as Gordon Broon's infamous signing of the EU's Lisbon treaty. BFN has been informed that the swearing proceeded thusly:
   Attorney General: "Mr. O'Bummer, do you want to be president?"
   B.I. O'Bummer: "Oh, bluddy hell, okay."
   Attorney General: "Once more, for the cameras, with enthusiasm, Mr. O'Bummer."
   B.I. O'Bummer: "Hell, yeah!!"

weatherFrench Pong
France is to be hauled before the EuroCourt of Human Rights** for violating a large section of south-eastern England with a gas attack. The noxious cloud of methyl mercaptan—the stink added to natural gas on safety grounds—was released by a factory in Rouen and forced the local football team to postpone a match with Olympique Marseille.
** The Frogs violated the Human bludy Right to enjoy family life free from noxious foreign odours.

weather symbolMore Euromeddling
The European Commission is seeking powers to control what the news meeja are allowed to publish, the power to blacklist any journalists and editors who upset them, and the right to impose self-enriching fines.
   N. Kroess, the EC's vice president and digital media commish, would have us believe that "many people . . . are concerned that the EU is not doing enough on this issue", which just proves how out of touch she is. Most people know that when the EU starts meddling, things go south at a high rate of knots.


Michael Winner, director & restaurant critic, 77

His long and successful career as a film director reached a peak of notice with Death Wish (1974) and its follow-ups starring Charles Bronson as a tough guy fighting back against injustice. When the contracts stopped arriving, Michael Winner reinvented himself as a highly successful restaurant critic and "national treasure". His part in TV advertisements for motor insurance gave the nation the phrase: "Calm down, dear, it's only a commercial!" The "calm down, dear" part became a popular device used to torpedo many a strident female (and male), especially those found in the House of Commons.
   Following the murder of WPC Yvonne Fletcher by shots fired from the Libyan embassy in London in 1984, Mr. Winner founded (and funded) the Police Memorial Trust, which installs plaques at locations where police officers have been killed. He also founded the project to place a National Police Memorial in the Mall in London. He declined an OBE in 2006.

Romiley News

The amount of snow in Romiley is really quite Gormley**

Snow in Romiley, 2013/01/19On Friday January 18th, we had a bit of dry powder blowing about in the morning and melting where the insulation wasn't too good. In the afternoon, when the temperature was lower, we got maybe half an inch. After that, nothing much and there were puddles of liquid water around on Saturday morning.
[** Yorkshire sculptor, who created a work featuring a whole army of small, menacing figures. Ed.]

weather symbolNo panic buying in Romiley
They might have been going mad in Wales, but Romiley's supermarkets remained places of calm, considered shopping as Britain went into a state of paralysis and the weather forecasts on the BBC news channel reached higher heights of hysteria. There was no need to close the school either, which must have disappointed the inmates mightily.

Crime News

weather symbolIt's all about the spin
The police would have us believe that reported crime is going down at the same time as they would have us believe that THE CUTS have paralysed them completely. [G. Orwell, 1984, the concept is Double Think. Ed.] But are we living in a safer society?
   Well, under New labour, the police became very good at not recording crimes to help the government to lie with its statistics, doing their bit (as good trade unionists) for the party. And there's also a significant perception that reporting a crime to the police does not necessarily lead to an investigation, and if the victim doesn't need a number to quote to an insurance company, getting in touch with the police will just waste a lot of the citizens time due to coppers filling in forms to justify their existence.
   So it would appear that there is little relation between the amount of reported crime in police statistics and the actual amount of crime going on in the nation.

black square Word of the Month : Kleptocracy, the definition of Putin's Russia.

weather symbolIt's all about the spin 2
The police seem to be trying to drown us in hysteria, innuendo and downright silly fiction in an attempt to deflect attention from their failure to do anything about Sir J. Savile whilst he was alive. They have also abandoned the silly notion of "innocent until proved guilty" and the application of common sense to manifestly absurd accusations, like the Satanism one.

weather symbolSomeone with a sensible bone in Aberdeen
Renee Slater was arrested last April and charged under the Representation of the People Act for entering a shop display dummy called Helena Torry in the city council elections. Her case came up this month. The sheriff actually sat through two days of drivel "evidence" before deciding that Ms Slater had no case to answer and booting the sorry abuse of process into touch.

weather symbolAny excuse to avoid tackling real crime
Coppers in County Durham were subjected to a barrage of derision when they posted a notice on Facebook announcing that a crack team of rozzers would be on patrol and ready to bust any kids caught throwing snowballs at cars or any other object, moving or stationary, animal, vegetable or mineral.

space news

One bullet dodged

NASA has decided that the chance that the asteroid Apophis will hit the Earth in 2036 is less than one in a million. Which is about 7x better odds than winning a jackpot from the UK national lottery.


Bowie / Zaphod Beeblebrox
Has David Bowie turned into Zaphod Beeblebrox for his new music video?


weather symbolBritain's obesity crisis solved!
A special correspondent has pointed out that if food prices soar due to the effects of last year's wet weather and two consecutive bad harvests, then no one will be able to afford to over-eat and the nation's weight problems will just melt away.

weather symbolNow pull the other one!
Some "expert" has worked out that we as a nation throw away half of the food that we lug home from the hypermarket. And we're also expected to believe that a good 50% of all the food produced around the world is wasted rather than consumed. Which explains famine but doesn't account for obesity.

weather symbolMaybe you're not supposed to win
Shock, horror! The latest bit of alarmism from the nutrition industry is that super-food and supplements taken to prevent cancers may actually cause them by mopping up free radicals – which keep diseased cells under control. And the alleged super-foods have no cancer-preventing effect anyway.

Holy CrapWho says the Canadians have no sense of humour?
Holy Crap breakfast cereal can be bought on-line at Can$29.85 for a 3-pack. It contains all natural ingredients (nothing Genetically Monstered) and the three main ones are some of the oldest perfect foods known to humans. The key ingredient, chia, was once more valuable than gold to the Aztecs (it sez on the website). It is slow burning rocket fuel for both athletes and warriors alike. Even so, how do they get away with that name? And how do they get it past product description legislation?

weather symbolAn unexpected bonus
Tesco has withdrawn its new line of horseburgers, which are produced by a factory in Ireland, possibly out of concern that customers won't buy them if they know exactly what is in the burger.
 • It is not illegal to sell horse products for human consumption in the UK and not illegal to omit minor ingredients from the labelling.

weather symbol10 million burgers wrongly sentenced to death?
A bit of horse, or even 29% of dried horse protein, in a burger is the least of the consumer's worries, BFN's food expert has told us. It's the mechanically recovered crap and other chemicals added as fillers and binders, which make bargain basement-price burgers inferior to the ones from your friendly, neighbourhood butcher. "You don't get horse in a Romiley lamburger," our expert added.

weather symbolSomething else we won't be able to afford
The major tea growers are to form a cartel along the lines of OPEC to control tea production and supply with the intent of removing competition and pushing up the price of the universal refreshment. Might we suggest that the overseas aid hurled at India, Ceylon, Kenya, Indonesia, Malawi, Rwanda and the others involved be cut to reflect their enhanced income?

weather symbolJust another tax
Health "experts" are demanding a 20% tax on soft drinks (up from a mere 10% last month) to curb child obesity. The "experts" are drawing a parallel with tobacco tax, which suggests that their next demand will be pictures on the drinks can of revoltingly obese corpses.
[Will the money be spent on combatting child obesity? No more than road tax is ever spent on the roads. Ed.]


weather symbolThis year's educated insult for blind referees:
"Hey, Cyclops! Has your monocle steamed up again?"

weather symbolRetribution to follow exhibitionism?
The ball boy (son of Swansea's biggest shareholder) who attempted to waste time to Swansea's advantage in a League cup match with Chelsea, may face an investigation by the FA for bringing the game into disrepute. If convicted, he could receive a life ban from all football grounds.

weather symbolWho's going to pay to watch a cheating pensioner?
Lance Armstrangle reckons that his life ban from cycling, received for serial cheating and lying, should be reduced to an 8-year ban. Which will leave him free to stage a come-back at the grand old age of 49. But how many races will he win when he's that old and not super-fuelled with illegal stuff?


weather symbolLeft over from last year:
The Old Bill wish it to be known that they fitted up the former Tory chief whip A. Mitchell in the spirit of diversity and to prove that when it comes to fitting people up, they don't play favourites.

Far Queue symbol Cabinet Sec. J. Haywood, who did an "investigation" of the Mitchell fit-up without bothering to look at the evidence.
Far Queue symbol All the coppers who turned up at the Tory party conference wearing "PC Pleb" T-shirts.
The management of the Police Federation.
Far Queue symbol E. Milibandit, who went along with the fit-up blindly.
Far Queue symbol Lord Patten, chairman of the BBC, who has excused himself from all responsibility for its management failures and crimes against humanity.
Note for Pres. O'Bummer:
Whilst guns don't kill people, it's people who kill people, guns make the whole process of killing easier and they're less messy than bombs.


weather symbolToo little too late
Ofcom is to order mobile phone service providers to stop putting up their charges to customers on an allegedly fixed-price contract. Rip-off contract cancellation fees will also be banned. Which leaves us wondering 1. why the companies were allowed to get away with it in the first place and 2. why they haven't been fined a few millions for doing the dirty on their customers.

weather symbolBig gap between the "Quod" and the "Demonstrandum"
If "The Cuts" are as savage as the Leftie Luvvies make out, how come MILLIONs of pounds of English taxpayers' cash are still being spent on publishing books in Welsh, which no one wants to read?

weather symbolThere's always an excuse
Hertfordshire Fire Brigade sent 3 vehicles and spent £1,000 on rescuing a squirrel from an ankle-deep pond in Watford. A spokes for the "service" indicated that the management felt obliged to take action to prevent members of the public staging their own rescue and giving the Fire Service even more bad publicity.

weather symbolA better use for the cash
Having made strenuous efforts to grab the job, English Heritage will now stop erecting blue plaques on the former residences of the famous. The quango is struggling with the burden of paying its chief executive £50K more than the prime monster (with the pension pot on top of that) and it is easier to cut back on services than on the pay of bureaucrats.

weather symbolProblem Solved!
The Eurocrats of Brussels have found a new way to crack the euro crisis. Instead of actually doing anything to fix the economic shambles they've created, they are wheeling out the top scroungers, starting with European Commission president J. Barroso and European Council president H. Rumpy-Pumpy, to declare the crisis over in the hope that the rest of the world will believe them.

weather symbolYes, we're nasty, don't rub it in!
Starbucks Coffee is threatening not to invest more money in Britain if our government continues to hold the company up as an example of a tax dodging supranational along with Amazon, Google and all the rest. But if Starbuks is making no money here, what's the point of opening another 100 branches to not make even more not-money?

weather symbolWho do you fink you are, sir? Lance Armstrong?
The Commish of the Metropolitan Police, Hulk Hogan Hyphen Howe, wants mandatory drug tests for all "professionals". Does he have shares in a testing company, by any chance?

Answers To CorrespondentsQ: If this winter is to be the coldest for 100 years, as promised by the Daily Disaster at the end of last November, how cold will January and February have to be?
A: Our weather expert couldn't stop laughing but his deputy mumbled something about over three hundred deaths by falling icicles.

Answers To Correspondents 
Q: Does anyone, anywhere in the whole goddam world, actually give a rat's carcase for what the twits on Twitter think?
A: Nope!


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Home News
UK Flag

The new year was ushered in by gangs of drunks causing chaos and clogging hospitals across Britain, and a record number of complaints about the noise from domestic firework shows. Plus ça change . . .

weatherMedicine Marches On!
The Labour party is mightily encouraged by the news that first hand-transplant in Britain has been performed. The recipient had a non-functioning hand replaced by one from a donor. Labour's leadership is hoping that the same might be possible with Eddie Ballsup's brain.

weatherIdle minds
The gang on the public payroll have so little to do to justify their largesse from the taxpayers that they have to resort to bizarre make-work jobs to pass the time. F'r instance, the Honours Forfeiture Committee is considering awarding a posthumous knighthood to Sir. J. Savile.
   Why? Because the knighthood that he got when he was alive lapsed when he died and all that is left is the courtesy title "Sir". But quite how awarding a second knighthood then taking it away will solve the original problem of the residual "Sir" from the first knighthood has not yet been explained.

weatherReforms & Reductions
The Home Office has decided to cut police pay at some levels, e.g. for inexperienced school leaver recruits, and grab-a-grand bonuses will be phased out over 3 years. Sacking incompetent coppers, however, is still out of the question.

Scream!!What provoked this reaction?
A prize for the best suggestion.

1. It's a reaction to Gordon Broon's arrival at the House of Commons to make a speech in support of a Remploy factory in his constituency, which he tried to close when he was prime monster.
2. M. Creagh, Labour's shadow minister for hysteria, blaming the Irish HorseBurgerGate scandal on "The Cuts", for which she won a "Calm Down, Dear!" award.


He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

Far Queue List

Far Queue symbol Cliff Fiscal and his brother-in-arms G. Broon and E. Ballsup.

Far Queue symbol Channel 4 and its pre-recorded crew of drunken hooligan "comedians".

Far Queue symbol All the supermarkets with totally crap "own brand" products.

Far Queue symbol Everyone who consumed 50 million calories between Xmas Eve and New Year's Day.

Far Queue symbol Lloyds TSB and its crashing cashpoints and debit cards.

Far Queue symbol Honywood Community Science School, which spent half a million quid on 1,200 iPads, half of which are now broken!

Far Queue symbol Baroness Meacher, who wants kids to take drugs instead of smoking and drinking alcohol.

Far Queue symbol Greater Anglia Trains, which started cancelling services long before any snow started falling.

Far Queue symbol The management of HMV, who let their staff continue to sell gift vouchers as Christmas presents, knowing they would be worthless when the store went bust in the new year.

Far Queue symbol ITV for blowing millions on a logo that looks like a bum drawn by a 7-year-old.

Far Queue symbol Eddie Baby Milipede, who did the taxpayer for £135,000 for limo service then had the cheek to complain about government ministers using official cars.

Far Queue symbol Lance Armstrong, who has confessed to cheating with the best of them and out-lying the best of the best.

Far Queue symbol Camelot, which has announced that it will double the National Lottery ticket price in September so that the boss can continue to receive a million-quid salary. Plus bonus, of course.

Far Queue symbol Little John of the Daily Disaster, who would have us believe that the £19K that a school leaver will get on joining the police "service" is less than the kid could claim on the dole!

Far Queue symbol Sir D. Nicholson, boss of the NHS, who remains in denial about presiding over the deaths of hundreds of patients through neglect when he was boss of Mid Staffordshire NHS trust.

Far Queue symbol The dickhead(s) at the BBC who decided that the terrorists who invaded Algeria should be called "militants".

Far Queue symbol The BBC for censoring the German episode of Fawlty Towers.

Far Queue symbol Subway Sandwiches, which sells 1-foot snacks which are only 11" long.

Far Queue symbol The Office of UnFair Trading, which sees nothing wrong with petrol providers rushing prices up when the wholesale price rises and keeping the difference when the wholesale price falls.

Far Queue symbol Awaiting further recommendations . . .

Far Queue symbol "Far queue, far queue very much!" – Frank Zappa.

The Far Queue: the traditional parking place for everything "not wanted on voyage".

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, January MM13.