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There seems to be a general election campaign going on,
but rest assured – if we just ignore it, it will go away.
 We were right. It did.
 More of the same
The African and South American lobby ensured that Sepp Blatter was re-elected for a 5th term as FIFA president. His existing reign spans the period during which leading officials of the Swiss-based organization were carrying out money-laundering, bribery and all the other offences, for which a large number of people have been busted on behalf of the FBI.
How did America get to be the world's policeman? In this case, the alleged offenders have been using US banks in New York for their alleged nefarious going on and holding meetings there. Also, the Confederation of North, Central America and Carribean Association Football, which is linked to FIFA and to which most of the handcuffed honchos belong, is based in Miami. So the Feds have a double reason for getting involved.
 Some members of the football community were expecting Tony B. Liar to stand as an alternative presidential candidate now that he is at a loose end, peace-envoy-wise. He was thought to be an ideal person to massage the image of FIFA to make the corruption acceptable.
Just a thought, but could we get the FBI to bust the European Union for its connections with organized crime the next time some of the Eurocrats have a jolly in the States?
Just another thought: are UEFA officers at risk of arrest if they go to the United States as associates of a criminal conspiracy?
 Exit plan
If Switzerland expels FIFA as a major embarrassment, Pres. Putin is expected to offer Blatter and his cronies offices in Moscow and a country dacha apiece.
 Another political promise goes west, and the victim card played . . .
The new intake of 500 (or whatever) Scottish National Socialist MPs has upset the likes of Dame G. Kaufman with their loutish behaviour and their attempt to break every rule of the House as a PR stunt. So much for Madame Sturgeon's pledge to pursue grown-up politics.
Why are the Scots being such louts when they venture out of the refuge of their heavily subsidized bar? Most of them are reported to be fairly reasonable people, but their leaders think that if they behave like yobs, this will make them look like victims of the Establishment.
 Evil is as evil does
Are we surprised that the FBI has Barclays and HSBC in its sights as part of the FIFA bribery/money-laundering/corruption mess? Not at all.
 Don't hurry back
Given that Tony B. Liar was hardly ever there when he was supposed to be the Middle East peace broker, except when he was fixing up private deals in the region, will anyone notice that he's quit the job to spend more time with his millions?
 Cheap talk, weasel words
Andy "Disaster Zone" Burnham's promise to throw the kitchen sink at the Tories was seen as a cheap dig at failed Labour leader Eddie "Two Kitchens" Miliband. But it's one which could come back to bite his ass, given Burnham's own inclination for collecting kitchens – at least 3 at the last count.
 DPD or DPDon't?
There's a new wrinkle to the old "You were out when we called, oh, yes you were!" scam. The parcel delivery person drives up to your house, takes a photograph of your front door, which is posted on the company's website, then drives off to take another picture.
 What a difference an ocean makes
Monaco: Anyone can win a race if the man in the lead is nobbled.
Indianapolis: It takes a special talent, like Juan Montoya's, to go from 30th and last to victory lane in the 500 mile race.
Minor inconvenience?
Swiss police have arrested at least half a dozen top figures in FIFA for taking more than $100 MILLION in bribes and kick-backs over the last 25 years. They are all facing extradition to the United States. Sepp Blatter, the figurehead of this corrupt organization, who expects to be elected to the top job for a fifth time, was not busted. No convictions are expected, as is usual for anything to do with FIFA.
 The Russians have banned imports of Nick Clegg. Pres. Putin is worried that Dave the Leader was planning to make him British Ambassador to Russia in revenge for Putin's invasion of Ukraine.
 | | Mafia MacEye writes:
| | Not so much blind as stoopid justice |
 A court in Greece has sentenced a man to 6 months in gaol for stealing electricity. The accused wasn't in court for the trial, having died. But that doesn't matter to the Greek justice system, apparently.
Lots of hiding places for paedophiles and banksters
Barclays and the Royal Bank of Scotland have been fined £2 BILLION between them, (three-quarters from Barclays) for rigging exchange rates and defrauding customers. The banksters responsible are being protected by the banks (to shield them from criminal charges?), which, in itself sounds like a criminal offence. But no arrests are expected.
Clearly, those promises from Barclays that it would stop breaking the law with such gay abandon were just hot air, and the current boss, A. Jenkins, should get the boot – just like his predecessor, the Bob Diamond Geezer. But no one expects that to happen, of course.
Fines have also been imposed on Citigroup, UBS, JPMorgan, and the Bank of America.
Unpleasant memories
Sir C. Richard is to tell his house in Berkshire, which was subjected to a raid by a joint South Yorkshire police/BBC task force. The police were on a fishing expedition, which yielded nothing, and the BBC was just mischief-making. At great expense to the taxpayer, in both cases.
Always cash for a junket
When the Police Federation dinosaurs claim that there is no money for bobbies on the beat due to the Savage Cutz, they fail to mention that the reason for the cash shortage is the current obsession with tasering sheep and scrambling the local police helicopter and half a dozen vehicles as part of a vast expedition to put a bullet in a straying cow, which could have been returned whence it came without all the hoo-haa. [Makes a welcome change from shooting and tasering people. Ed.]
The Methodists Strike Back
The Catholic church's monopoly on child abuse is being challenged – this month, the Methodists issued a blanket apology for thousands of cases. Who's next?
Price hike warning
Amazon's "free" delivery threshold has gone up from an order price of £10 to £20. So there's even more incentive to go elsewhere for small items now.
It's all about the money, honey
The lefty cavepersons in Scotland seem to be upset because A. Dunlop, one of Margaret Thatcher's team at the time of the Community Charge, is getting a peerage and a Scottish office job. Which leads us back to the eternal question of why was the Poll Tax so hated in Scotland. The most likely answer seems to be that it obliged everyone to make a purely nominal contribution to the running costs of their locality (purely nominal compared to the amount of cash which councils receive from central government), and having to do that really upset the socialist scroungers in Scotland, who think everyone else should pay their way.
Someone's doing well out of Red Ed
Ed Milband's electioneering pledge to freeze energy prices has pushed up the profits of the Big energy companies by as much as 50% as a result of their refusal to lower prices in line with falling wholesale prices in case they got stuck with a loss-making deal.
Why are public services in Wales crap?
One cause is a shortage of cash due to the excessive pay awarded to administrators. The First Min. of the Welsh Assembly, and all the minions, are paid salaries close to those of the prime monster and Westminster MPs, despite representing just a small part of the UK. Nothing like a spot of greed for austerity busting.
 Labour economics lesson from Grabber Burnham
Labour leadership hopeful A. Burnham owns a flat in London but he doesn't live there when he's doing Parliament. Instead, he rents out his nest-egg flat for around £1,600 per month and claims £1,500 per month on expenses to rent another flat. So much for respect for the taxpayer's hard-earned cash.
Burnham was one of the stooges who held the Health Sec. job when New Labour's culture of denial and cover-ups was killing people in failing hospitals.
What does he know that we don't?
In his Sunday Telegraph column, jobbing actor Michael Simkins claimed that he is approaching 50 "from the wrong direction". Which leaves us wondering how anyone can approach 50 years of age from a direction other than going from younger to older. Is Mr. Simkins older than 50 and getting younger thanks to a genetic reverse gear? The nation should be told!!
Why did the pollsters get it so wrong?
Simple. People played their cards close to their chest. Instead of saying they planned to vote Conservative, they said they were undecided. Result: egg on the face of the pollsters because they weren't allowed to water-board their customers.
No Balls, please! The appalling George Galloway is history, and the appalling Balls Monster has been portillo'd.
Comment of the election days
"Perhaps someone simply misunderstood Miliband when he told an aide to put his election promises on a tablet."
Sandra Parsons of Keston, Kent, via the Daily Mail.
Milly HatBand, the leader of the Conservatories, planned to offer a message of hope on Election Day+1 and show us what's on the back of his £30K tombstone. Sadly, that isn't going to happen now.
So what is Ed going to do with his 30-grand rock now?
A study by the Meeja Standards Trust found that the Daily Mirror has the most biased election coverage of any national newspaper.
Poor old Ed. He now has to do a Kinnock and take a highly paid sinecure in the EU administration before moving his bum to the House of Frauds. What an 'orrible fate.
Cash-back for failure?
Labour MPs want a refund from Red Ed's American election guru, who was paid £300,000. He did most of his advising at a distance, he got Ed to be ridiculously Yankee with his Hell, yeses, and he spent most of the election campaign doing a book tour in the US.
D. Axelrod blames faulty opinion polls for Labour's defeat, not his campaign strategy.
Something for the supporters of PR and AV to ponder: neither system would have got rid of Michael Portillo, Ed Balls or Jim Murphy — they'd all have been at the top of the list with the rest of the favoured ones.
Paddy Pantsdown, who said he'd eat his hat if a poll was right about the Liberals losing 47 seats (actually, it was 49), took a ceremonial nibble from a straw-type hat woven from liquorice bootlaces to retain a vestige of credibility.
Now that he is not at risk from having to pay a Labour mansion tax, Ed Miliband is getting quotes for a 3rd kitchen for his $4 million mansion.
He did his bit
Whatever happens to N. Farage now, as UKIP goes into what seems to be the obligatory post-election torment of a losing party, he can bask in the inner glow of knowing that he helped to save the nation from an unholy alliance of Red Ed and the Scottish National Socialist.
Chunky O'Munna, the British O'Bummer, has chickened out of the Labour leadership contest because he can't stand the meeja scrutiny.
Labour's latest election alibi: The disasters in England and Scotland were all down to Red Len, the boss of the trade union DisUnite.
Biggest Lie of the Election
Wee Burney Sturgeon's claim that she wanted to lock the Tories out of Downing Street when she really wanted them to win so she could pursue her separationist plan for Scotland.
Is this our prime minister in waiting?
Clue: the answer is in the negatory
A cheapskate Moses, who offers just SIX commandments, all of then naff?
Vanishing species
With less than a week to go before the Big Day, Romiley's citizens have noticed a peculiar political void. Estate agent signs outnumber signs for political parties, and no one has been round canvassing for votes.
Vanishing species 2
For the first time since 1997, Hazel Grove, the constituency which includes Romiley, has a Conservative MP. Why's that? Well, the retirement of the long-serving Andrew Stunell did the Liberals no good. And whilst the Tory vote rose by a modest 7%, it was the collapse of the Liberal vote by 22% which dumped them in the dustbin. So congratulations to Mr. Wragg, the new MP, should be coupled with the warning that he's a very marginal member, and subject to being swept away by a protest vote next time around.
Election Result for Hazel Grove constituency
| Don't Care | 31.5% |
Conservative | 28.3% |
Liberal Democrat | 17.9% |
Labour | 12.0% |
UKIP | 08.4% |
Green Party | 01.8% |
Is it still under warranty?
The miracle Russian T-14 tank rolled unstoppably into Red Square for a rehearsal for one of Vlad the President's Soviet-style shows, and promptly broke down. Cue a failed attempt to tow it out of sight with an armoured personnel carrier, and half an hour of frantic repairs. So much for the world's most advanced fighting vehicle.
Taking "You're fired!" to a new extreme
North Korea's blessed leader has sacked his defence minister for talking back and falling asleep in boring meetings. Following his dismissal, Hyon Yong-chol was taken to a firing range, where he was obliterated with anti-aircraft guns before an invited audience.
Unintended consequences
Retired generals and admirals warned that Britain's armed forces will become just cosmetic if Dave the Leader goes ahead with more defence cuts. Which will have the spin-off benefit of preventing him thinking he's Tony B. Liar and starting more foreign wars.
How queer!
Bees make 3,000 tons per year of honey from the flowers of the manuka trees in New Zealand. And yet, 9,000 tons per year are sold around the world at £30 per jar. Are we still living in an age of miracles?
Kablooie!
The Wine Society has recalled 15,000 bottles of £9.50 exploding Prosecco. It is believed that they will be sent to Syria and Iraq as gifts for members of Islamist terror groups there.
Hastings Hustings Hysteria
In the weekend before polling day, Red Ed the Milibandit gave the nation a good laugh by unveiling an 8-foot limestone slab engraved with half a dozen personal commandments. Ed announced that he intended to install the erection in the rose garden behind No. 10 Downing Street after he became prime monster, but he failed to explain how he planned to get round the small problem of the Grade 1 listed building belonging to the nation, not the Labour party, and being unavailable for cheap propaganda stunts.
No surprise that the BBC chose not to mention Ed's Folly on its election website on unveiling day.
Ed's willingness to go along with such a daft stunt demonstrates how tenuous his contact with reality is. It also suggests that his spin doctors are in competition to find out who can make him look the biggest idiot!
 Tough times ahead
The Chinese government has banned amateur weathermen from offering their advice. Only official forecasts are allowed now, and anyone who horns in on the weather racket without the state's endorsement faces a fine of £5,000 and/or gaol.
Chinese forecasts enjoy the same level of accuracy as the Met Office's guesses in Britain; barbeque summer, no hurricane, etc. So there's lots of scope for people with local knowledge to do better than the state.
 No experience necessary
The BBC is trying to recruit weather forecasters who have no qualifications in meteorology or another relevant science. All they need is a disability, which will let BBC bosses tick a box and feel good about themselves, and the ability to follow the BBC's line on man-made global warming.
Anyone who isn't a lefty luvvie Grauniadista as well as disabled need not apply.
Falling star
In the light of his performance after the TV "debate" on April 30th, Red Ed Milibandit has been voted the man most likely to fall off the world stage if elected to a position of power.
If you don't vote, you're not entitled to moan about the government you get. And if you vote Labour, it's your fault if Miliband and Balls carry on wrecking the economy, as they did when they were Gordon Brown's financial gurus.
Empty gesture
The proprietors of the E4 channel decided to close it down on polling day to encourage young people to go out and vote. Pity no one told the bunch of poseurs that it doesn't take all day to put a cross on a piece of paper.
"And now, a miserable git."
The BBC is in all sorts of trouble for displaying its lefty luvvie side by putting some miserable git of a repubelican on its news channel to moan about the coverage of the royal birth.
The Russians have gone absolutely bananas over the royal birth. Some are claiming that the new princess is a reincarnation of Catherine the Great, whose birthday she shares, and that England will claim the throne of Russia in her name.
Other Russian conspiracy nutters would have us believe that the announcement of the royal birth was delayed by several days to make it look like Princess Charley was born on Catherine the Great's birthday.
Yet more Russian nutters are claiming that Princess Kate was never pregnant and the baby is the product of a stage-managed surrogacy deal.
The Daily Mail asked if its readers could feel ANY sympathy for the bloke who drowned the dog next door because the horrible little mutt wouldn't stop bloody barking. We ask: Is it possible NOT to feel sympathy for someone who was persecuted in this way?
 | So no redundancy payment, then? |
NASA's Messenger orbiter has finished its mapping mission at the planet Mercury. But instead of honourable retirement, its fate was to be crashed into the planet at 8,750 mph, making a new crater over 50 feet in diameter. Not much of a reward for extending a one-year mission to a four-year marathon.
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No room! No room!
Internet speeds are getting too fast, optical cables can't handle the amount of light inserted into them. The internet is heading for a capacity crunch and it will grind to a standstill in 8 years, the experts reckons. Which won't be a bad thing, a lot of people think!
How very Europeon of them
The Scottish National Socialists are clearly at one with the EU when it comes to referendums. If the electorate doesn’t get it right the first time around, the Gnats think the useless electorate should do it again, as for the Irish ratification of the Lisbon treaty, and as for another referendum on independence, if the Gnats get their way.
News at the cutting edge
Saudia is enforcing so many death sentences that the Arab state has been obliged to try to recruit eight new executioners to keep up with demand. Big sword and training with 5 sheep supplied.
German Chancellor Angular Merkel made what could be interpreted as positive noises about EU reform during a visit by Dave the Leader, indicating some worry about a Brexit, but on analysis, the noises turned out to be meaningless – just a typical political statement.
Public Service Announcement
He's been called the Blogger of the Decade
His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now! |
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 Lefty luvvie poet laureate C. Duffy, who's drawing the pay but not obliging with the pomes she's supposed to knock out. How very New Labour.
McDonald's is abusing the 'uman rights of potential customers by turning them away if they fail a breathalyser test but are okay otherwise as far as noshing a burger is concerned.
Coppers with time on their hands include the Derbyshire police, where the workload is so slight that they have to harass kids for playing in the street to give the employees something to do.
The police & crime commissioner for Northamptonshire, A. Simmonds, who published a 26-page job advert for a new chief constable, which was full of ploddledegook.
Some people are saying that Sally Berko, the unfaithful wife of the Squeaker of the House of Common Criminals, deserves a break. But they don't say if it should be an arm, a leg or her neck.
S. Kinnock, son of Lord Pillock, who thinks Labour invented social mobility. Total bollux, of course. It has been going on for millennia.
G. Claxton, visiting professor of learning sciences at King’s College London, who thinks rubbers (erasers) are instruments of the Devil because they make children to feel ashamed of mistakes, which they should embrace as a wonderful part of life's rich pageant.
Corruption's friend, Sepp Blatter, and all the friends who voted to keep him in charge of FIFA.
“Far queue, far queue very much!” – Frank Zappa.
The Far Queue: the traditional parking place for everything "not wanted on voyage". |
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