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Why was Dave born so beautiful?
Why was he born at all?
He's no bloody use to anyone
He's no bloody use at all!


Arthur's Law 4a?
The late Sir Arthur. C. Clarke, like his fellow author the late Isaac Asimov, came up with three laws. Clarke's Laws are:

  1. When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
  2. The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.
  3. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Sir Arthur declared an intention of not going one better than Sir Isaac Newton, but he was unable to resist coming up with a Fourth Law, which states: "For every expert, there is an equal and opposite expert." From which can be created Law 4a: "For every piece of Global Warming bunk, there is an equal and opposite debunk."

Here's one you couldn't make up:
The UN's geniuses have concluded that global warming will result in an explosion in the mole population and the tunnels of these Mining Super-Moles will undermine and collapse Stonehenge. Easter Island's figures, the Statue of Liberty and Venice will go the same way, the Warmists' Project Fear message adds.
   Venice at threat from underwater moles? They've invented the aqualung? Well, who'd have thunk it!

Crime News

Mugs' Money
How much confidence can her customers have in the self-proclaimed clairvoyant A. Barrymore, who made fraudulent benefit claims for four years and didn't see her arrest coming? Probably because she was too busy charging her customer £40/hour for the use of her non-existent psychic powers.


Where's Groucho Marx when you need him!
According to the president of the Europeon Commission, J.C. Junkett, Britain will be treated like a wartime deserter following Brexit from the EU. Which means what? We'll all be shot?
   And when it comes to a trade deal, Britain will be treated as a third party. So if the EU is the party of the first part and Britain is the party of the third part, who's the party of the second part?

Don't let the door hit your arse when you leave
Conservatives are reported to be queueing up to give their support for a contest to replace David Cameron as the party leader. There are even rumours that some members are so disgusted that they are considering having him sectioned under the Mental Health Act as a way of getting rid of him quickly.
   Clearly, his Project Fear claims that Brexit from the EU will lead to 820,000 people getting the sack, wages will fall, prices will soar, houses will become worthless, the pound will go the same way, the budget deficit will shoot up to £40 BILLION and family holidays to Europe becoming an impossible dream are hardly products of a rational mind.
   The case for DaveExit looks irrefutable! And when he goes, Osborne will follow in short order.

Must, just must dabble
The EU's meddling burrocrats want to bin the limit of 12 minutes of adverts per hour on TV and fill programmes with wall-to-wall product placement shots. And when this has been done, they are going to trust TV companies not to abuse their lack of restraint.

Just not trying at all
J. Corbyn's contribution to Project Fear is that there will be no parks, beaches and fresh air if we leave the EU. If that's the best he can do, he obviously doesn't have the necessary doom-mongering imagination to be prime monster.

Dave was right!!!
Last month, the prime monster accused S. Kahn, who was running for mayor of London, of being a friend of extremists. Come the bank holiday weekend at the end of this month, he was proved right. There was that Kahn fellow chumming up with a looney extremist, who has threatened war, pestilence and destitution if Britain dares to leave the EU. Who was this extremist? A total nutter called D. Cameron.

Travel News
We could see this coming from a long way off

So much for access to the Northern Poorhouse: the H2S rail scam started off with a budget of around £7 BILLION. Its latest budget estimate is around £57 BILLION and the final cost is expected to be so far over the hills and far away that it won't get past Crewe if it's ever built. And it won't even get to Crewe if there are hedgehogs living in a car park on the route.

Not much of a day out
If you have some time on your hands in 2018 and you take a trip in one of the driverless cars encouraged in this month's Queen's Speech to Dave the Leader's British spaceport (see also the Queen's Speech), what will you see?
a) Spacecraft taking off, or
b) Nothing much.

Advertising unreality
When you hear the words "the ability to achieve 156 miles per gallon" in a car advert on TV, the "there's a swindle involved" reflex kicks in right away. Downhill with the engine switched off, was that? Probably something similar
   Impressed? We couldn't have been less amazed. Even worse, the message the ad gives is that only an idiot who falls for something that will never happen in the real world will be stupid enough to buy this car.


Not bad for a bunch of drop-outs!
Leicester City FC was all set to crash out of the first division (or whatever twee nonsense they have for it now) toward the end of last season. Then the remains of King Richard III were interred in the cathedral after being found under a car park.
   Since then, Leicester have gone from strength to strength and they are this season's champs, despite having started off as 5,000-to-1 outsiders. The Age of Miracles is still with us.

No one got killed
Manchester United vs Bournemouth was postponed because of a bomb scare. In fact, the device was a dummy, which had left behind by a company involved in training sniffer dogs. There was a big hoo-haa over all the inconvenience of evacuating the stadium and cancelling the match. But at least the incident proved that the Man. U. Security system works. No one was killed or injured in a stampede. Imagine the hoo-haa if the device had been found after the match had been played.

Romiley News
Spring is here at last

Romiley is a riot of apple blossom as the daffodils fade. And the dandelions march forth.

Romiley apple blossom, May 2016

Attention Clout-Casters: You can begin casting for May (the hawthorn) is out and also blooming with white flowers.


Scare story or more silliness?
The credit agency Moody's (which failed to spot the looming collapse of the banking system in 2008) thinks that Brexit will trigger a collapse of the fragile EU. And even better, the whole thing could still collapse even if Britain stays in.

Gormless Gadgetry
A correspondent writes:
“What sort of person would pay £120 for a bracelet, which will give them a 255V electric shock if their spending takes their bank account into the red? A masochistic, splurging gadget-freak, I suppose.”

Home News
UK Flag

More irrelevance
An Oxford think tank has worked out that excluding EU migrants from UK benefits won't affect migration much because a large majority of migrants take jobs but don't claim benefits. So Dave's famous emergency brake is irrelevant to the problem.

In Yer Boatface
The Commons science committee is to grill the Natural Environment Research Council (NERC) over its decision to ignore Boaty McBoatface as the name for its new £200 million polar research vessel. Have these idiots nothing better to do with their time than to explore whether it was a triumph of public engagement or a PR disaster? And are they not aware that public consultations have to include a silly option so that people who join in just to be silly can be identified and ignored?
 • NERC has gone with Sir David Attenborough as the name of the ship, which will be built next year.

Boris: historians vs hysterians
Europe is too diverse to be reunited, as in Roman times, by force of arms, e.g. by Charlemagne, Napoleon, Hitler and various others, or by bureaucracy, as the European Union is attempting. Diversity is supposed to be absolutely wonderful, and there are self-appointed diversity police constantly on the lookout for offenders against their religion. Which makes it all the more strange that we never hear a squeak out of them on the issue of the EU. Bought and paid for? Knowing which side their bread is buttered on? Probably.
   And then there are all those who took a pop at Boris Johnson for daring to mention Hitler and the EU in the same speech. Hilarious Benn; Yvette Cooper, who was famous for never being able to make up her mind when a government minister; Ming the Merciless Campbell – they all pushed the self-publicity button but did no damage, given their lack of gravitas.

Parliament opens; and then goes into recess
When do these buggers ever get anything done? Or should we be pathetically grateful that they're always on holiday because the trouble starts only when they try to do things?

Corbyn sez: Who's the waxwork in the blue tie?

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NATO nowhere?
Germany is still pushing for a Europeon army as part of the Europeon Union's over-closer union agenda. And guess what? A leak of plans due to be unveiled in July shows that the Germans expect be in charge of it.

Doesn’t add up, Dave
If David Cameron really does think that Britain leaving the EU will trigger World War III, why did he ever offer the nation a referendum on leaving, knowing that he could plunge the entire world into war?
   And why is the Government not making contingency plans for this war in case the Brexiters win the day? More neglect of duty, Dave?

You can't get realer than real
The Greater Manchester Police farce is in trouble over a major exercise at the Trafford Centre involving the response to a suicide bombing. Apparently, the star turn was yelling about his good mate Akbar just before the flash-bang went off.
    The “Moslem community” is alleged to be up in arms [a strangely appropriate phrase] because suicide bombers are not exclusively Moslems. Even though they never seem to be anything else. And the GM farce has issued a grovelling apology.
    No wonder nobody trusts the police any more if senior managers keep showing that they are universally idiots; and also sex-maniacs in some areas.


Less of you!
The latest wonder way to lose weight is to drink lots of water before eating. How does it work? Filling the stomach with water leaves less room for food and there's lots of exercise to be gained from dashing to the toilet every 10 minutes. Especially if it's upstairs.

A headline seen on council elections day: "Growing toll of pensioners with drink problems".
Which means what? It's too expensive for them to buy?

The latest miracle cure
We now have to drink lots and lots of cherry juice as it will do the job of statins and umpteen other examples of medication. Of course, the price will sky-rocket when people stampede to buy it, but maybe GPs will be kind enough to prescribe it.

How did people survive before the "experts" came along?
Don't eat salt. Salt will kill you. Salt will give you a heart attack and a stroke and make you fat. Surprise! The message has now changed. Give up salt and you'll have a heart attack and/or a stroke. Which only goes to show that you just can't win. Or maybe you're not supposed to.

Another correspondent writes:
“Despite my Anger Encouragement Classes, I never seem to reach a satisfactory level of being annoyed. Should I ask for my money back?”

world news

They don't call him O'Bummer for nothing!
America's lame duck president was telling us only last month that Britain's only hope of being part of a trade deal with the US is to stay in the EU. Surprise! The French are now saying that the Transatlantic Trade & Investment Partnership talks are about to hit the rocks. Which means that In or Out are irrelevant to something that will never happen.
   As they used to say on Rowan & Martin's Laugh In back in the 70s: "Go like that, and go wrong!"

How to lose friends in a hurry
The idiots running the Eurovision Song Contest in Sweden have made the Welsh flag as banned as the IS flag, even though one-half of the British team of two is Welsh. The spurious reason is that Wales is not a member of the United Nations in its own right. Curiously, the BLT flag is allowed, even though this mixture of odd bods doesn't belong to a UN member country called . . . what? BinaryLesbianTransylvania?

In the dustbin of history
An interesting parting thought on David Cameron: he's been so snotty about Donald Trump but, whichever way the Brexit referendum goes, Dave the PM could be history before President Trump takes charge next January. Which would spare Dave the humiliation of having to phone the new American president with congratulations.

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Which way to jump?
There are those who have decided to do the opposite of what Nigel Farage says when they vote to Remain or Leave the EU. And there are those who say that if Corbyn is pretending to be on the same side as David Cameron, then there's a truly disgraceful stitch-up in progress and they're going to vote against it. As valid as any other reasons for making the choice? That's democracy for you.

Corbyn Labour now has an official translator for the leader's remarks. Thus when Corbyn bragged before this month's council elections that Labour would win seats, the translator kicked in to announce that he had been slightly misinterpreted and Labour would get its collective ass kicked.

Why should we take the EU referendum seriously?
Let us look at a few facts, e.g. the Chancellor of the Exchequer, a man noted for doing his first U-turn about 10 minutes after delivering a Budget to the House, came up with a dodgy dossier, in which he claimed that every household would be £4,300/year worse off in 2030 [that's 14 years from now] if we leave the EU. What the customers now have to ask is:
   1. "Do I take this dodgy dossier seriously?" [clue: if you do, there's something seriously wrong with you]
   2. "If top politicians in the Remain camp are telling what are quite obviously blatant lies and not taking the referendum seriously, why should I?"
   3. "Is it worth taking the counterblasts to the Remain faction's propaganda seriously if it's just a counterblast to a load of garbage?"

Far Queue List

Far Queue symbol Education Sec. N. Morgan, who thinks labelling criticism of her daft ideas as sexism will make it go away.

Far Queue symbol The teenager who got the hump when the owner of a Nottingham pharmacy objected when she started breast-feeding her kid there. "It's the most natural thing in the world," she complained. So is having a pee. But that's not encouraged in pharmacies, either.

Far Queue symbol Education Sec. N. Morgan, who has abandoned her flagship plan to turn all schools in England and Wales into academies before Tory back-benchers can sink the plan in the Commons.

Far Queue symbol All the luvvies who put BLT into Shakespeare and pretend it's still Shakespeare.

Far Queue symbol All the cultists who claim that their "clean eating" regime amounts to medical treatment and an adequate diet.

Far Queue symbol The Repubelican establishment members who won't support Donald Trump against the appalling Hillary Clinton because he isn't enough of a right-wing, evangelical nutter.

Far Queue symbol Disgraced New Labour ex-minister and warmonger J. Straw says he thinks Boris Johnson is a Putin apologist. Which says a whole lot about Straw's fragile grasp on reality.

Far Queue symbol Tom Conti and other luvvies, who have only themselves to blame for the contempt.

Far Queue symbol Labour luvvie Chunky Omunna, who thinks a British Donald Trump who will stand up for his country in the face of mass migration is a bad thing.

Far Queue symbol Business Sec. S. Javid, who told us in November 2015 that the costs of being in the EU outweigh the benefits, but who wants us to stay in so that he can keep greasing up to Dave.

Far Queue symbol Ed Miliband was on TV spouting garbage about tackling climate change. But if he can't tell the difference between tackling and making futile cosmetic gestures, then politics will be the only job he can manage.

Far Queue symbol “Far queue, far queue very much!” – Frank Zappa.

The Far Queue: the traditional parking place for everything "not wanted on voyage".

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, May MM16.