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More technology goes obsolete
 Here's another RIP for us: the 3D television set is joining the video disk, the ZIP drive and similar bits of kit. No one is making decent films and/or TV programmes in 3D, so the two big firms making the sets have decided it's time to call it quits.
Hail to the People's Resident of the White House
  Getting down to business right away: the newly installed President Donald Trump (right) places his first executive order—a sound selection from the lunch menu.
What do they think they'll achieve?
We kind of expected America's basket cases to have a riot when President Trump was sworn in but what exactly did the basket cases who staged protest marches 'around the world' hope to achieve? It's not as if anyone would suddenly realize that the election was all a big mistake and the appalling Hillary Clinton would get the job instead. No, it just proves that a whole lot of people have nothing better to do with themselves than disrupt the traffic and give the police a spot of overtime.
Wasted words from a waste of space
 The United States has joined Russia and China on the list of countries which are a threat to the future of the EU, according to D. Tusk, one of the half-dozen or so unelected presidents of various bits of it. So these three are all good guys and President Trump is to be congratulated to moving his nation to the right side of the ledger?
 “Should we be impressed by the marching and internet garbage against Donald Trump's state visit? Not really because we know that one of today's major problems is that there are too many people with too much time on their hands.
“In the good old days, they would have taken up knitting or gone for long country walks. Now, they just sit at a keyboard and type tripe, and pretend that they're running the world. And, human beans being what they are, there are people who actually believe them.”
“Whether or not someone is a good guy can be estimated from the sort of people who hate them. On that measure, President Trump has to be doing a grand job!”
Maxed out
 The synthetic outrage gushing and sploshing all over the place at the impending state visit by President Trump is going to leave the hypocritical luvvie usual suspects in a hole. How is anyone going to take them seriously if they try to be outraged over something important and it looks no different from the current confection?
Highly selective, of course
2016 was the hottest year ever, according to the Warmists. But no one is getting excited because they say that every year and they're talking about the hottest year of the last few decades by a few tiny fractions of a degree Centigrade, and neither the hottest year on record nor the hottest year ever if you take at least the last 1,000 years into account.
Let us note merely that this 'hottest ever' year closed with snow in the Sahara Desert and Saudia Arabia, blizzards in the north of America and the people of Siberia, who know a thing or two about cold and frozen is a way of life, having to survive temperatures down to a life-threatening -60 deg.C.
This is what ice shelves do
 We have been informed that an iceberg the size of Wales, or one-quarter the size of Wales, depending on the degree of hysteria involved, is about to break away from an ice shelf off the coast of Antarctica. The good news is that there are no claims that the not-so-Great Global Warming Swindle is involved or that some major disaster will accompany the event.
In fact, the whole thing is pretty much a non-event on a global scale, even though it might look a bit spectacular on the spot. The planet has survived millions of similar events and it will survive millions more in the future. And we in the northern hemisphere would never have known it was about to happen had it not been on the TV news.
Screaming Wolf!!!
 The good (and bad) people of Jaywick in Essex were ordered out of their homes this month because they were about to be hit by the mother and father of all man-made global warming tidal surges.
Nothing happened.
Residents of Aldeburgh, Suffolk, also got police evacuation notices warning of tidal flooding. But no one rushed to the official evacuation centre 2 miles away and nothing happened here.
Good news for food lovers
 The sushi boom is killing off tuna of all varieties and filling up the people who eat it with toxic plastic microbeads. Which means that tuna and sushi-gobblers are in a race to extinction. Last one standing, or swimming, survives. And anyone who finds the idea of eating raw fish disgusting can enjoy a warm glow of moral superiority.
Stop eating. Right now.
 That's the official advice from the government's food nanny the Food Standards Agency. Why? Because every day, a new study reveals that a particular food group causes cancer. Processed and red meats, roast potatoes, toast, baby foods, biscuits, crisps, breakfast cereals, bread and coffee are all on the list. Who knows what's next. Which is why the official government advice is that if you want to avoid cancer and live forever, stop eating.
And don't even think about drinking, because that will kill you even deader.
Don't Panic!
In a counterblast to the nanny quango's scare stories, the statistician Professor D. Spiegelhalter has declared that there is no good evidence that acrylamide, the killer chemical in the official government scare stories, causes harm at the levels found in the human diet.
In fact, adults could consume 160 times more than the nanny quango's killer dose without being harmed.
Don't Do Nuffink!
Don't eat, it will give you cancer. Don't drink it will kill you too. Now, we're being told Don't Breathe! Cold weather increases air pollution, and that's another killer. If you dare to breathe in Northern Ireland, or anywhere in the East of England, the Midlands and parts of Wales, you're dead!
May the good fairy Vlad the hijo de Putin smile on you in 2017
The Russian president-for-life has announced that he won't be starting World War III at least until after President Trump takes over the White House. So we're safe until January 20th. Which gives us plenty of time to dig the Anderson shelter a bit deeper and stock up on tinned food and bottled water.
Not very happy-clappy
In her new year message to the nation, our prime minister tried to be quite upbeat about Brexit. Chancellor Merkel, in contrast, decided that Britain will not face a happy future outside the EU if she has anything to do with it. To which we can only reply: "Up yours, you miserable old German bat!"
Binsanitary
Derby city council (Labour, natch) has some wonderful advice for residents, whose rubbish the council can't be bothered to collect—put your food waste in the freezer to stop it from going smelly.
Moonlighting
 The president of the Labour party, J. Corbyn, is feeling the pinch. He just can't live on his salary of £140K. Which is why he has taken a job as an engine driver in the British Rail section of Labour Land, a theme park which offers visitors a chance to experience the glory days of industrial strife.
Naturally, the new job gives Jezzer plenty of time off for his presidential duties and parliamentary appearances as the engine drivers take abundant advantage of their right to strike, which gives the coach drivers an opportunity to let visitors experience an alternative bus service on days when they are not on strike.
Shape up or ship out!
The Dutch PM has told migrants to embrace Dutch values and standards of behaviour, or get lost. The impact of the message was diluted somewhat by the context. He made his proclamation as his country is getting ready for elections and he's worried that the opposition Freedom Party is hoovering up the votes of those who find the behaviour of bolshie migrants offensive.
Heads in the sand
The Daily Mail had the cheek to expose a gaping security hole in the Eurostar train service, which lets terrorists travel to Britain from Belgium for a couple of quid without any form of identity check. Something which has been known about since 2001. Eurostar's response was to ban the Daily Mail from their trains as their alternative to closing the loophole.
It's one small step
“Donald Trump's temporary exclusions are a welcome start to tackling the problem of people swanning around the world and spreading pollution wherever they go. The world would be a much better place if foreigners would just stay put and keep their weird customs and demands to themselves.”
Our cash, our record
 The Indian government is standing by to send an email to the Guinness Book of Records if a satellite launch mission planned for next month succeeds. If all goes well, a rocket will blast off from Sriharikota spaceport in the south of India carrying a record-breaking 103 satellites.
Reality check: as the British taxpayer will be funding the mission via our foreign aid programme, which coughed up over £250 million to India last year, any record set rightly belongs to us.
You can do anything with computers
We're being invited to junk the theory that our Moon formed after an impact between the Earth and a Mars-size planetoid in the early days of the solar system, 4.5 billion years ago. Some guys have been playing around with a computer and they've found that a Moon-size object can be formed from the rings of debris thrown off the Earth by around 20 small-scale collisions.
They say the single-impact theory doesn't work as material brought back from the Moon is essentially the same as rocks found on Earth. But why should that single, Mars-size object be too different from the Earth if it formed in the same region of space out of the same material?
And after 4.5 billion years of homogenization, how is anyone going to be able to tell what, in an unholy mixture, is original material from planet Earth and what came from the assailant?
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So what?
"Scarborough is 20 miles from Kirby Misperton, a village where fracking has been allowed." This gem appeared in a story about Scarborough feeling a Richter 3.9 earthquake, which occurred 100 miles away in the North Sea. What's the connection between fracking and an earthquake in the North Sea? Apart from none.
Looks like there is now an unwritten rule of journalism to the effect that every mention of earthquakes (the story above got the number experienced per year by the British Isles ever so slightly underestimated by a factor of 500) has to include a reference to fracking, no matter how irrelevant.
Tell 'em any old garbage
There's a German shampoo which gives your hair a shot of caffeine. So why not just pour a cup of tea or coffee onto it? That would certainly be cheaper and have just as much effect. This is the sort of advertising tripe the expression BFD was created to service.
"What??"
"The whole world is going to hell and what are we doing? We are just racing the deckchairs on the Titanic."
Those whom the Gods would destroy they first make historically ignorant!
Psycho, or what!
 The president of Taiwan has issued an official "calm down, dear" message to the Chinese regime, which has threatened to bomb Taiwan into a new Stone Age if its president dares to talk to President(-elect) Donald Trump on the phone ever again.
Team Obama cries foul!
The Russians and the CIA have been accused of releasing an absurd sex and blackmail dossier on president-elect Donald Trump as a distraction from outgoing President Obama's farewell speech to the nation.
Allies of the Democrats are also getting the blame for creating a distraction from Obama's lacklustre term in office and his attempt to pretend that, "Yes, we did!"
As in all good Hollywood productions, there is a British villain of the piece, one C. Steele, an ex-MI6 agent, who did some time at the British embassy in Moscow. Steele was recruited initially by Trump's Republican rivals, who wanted to sleaze him, and then by the Democrats to do the same job, so charges of being an unreliable witness have some substance.
Is it possible to muddy the Waters of State further? We'll see.
“How do you like your tea, Mr. Steele?”
“Is it with milk, lemon, or polonium?”
We are being invited to believe that the ex-spy who has been hawking the Trump sex dossier around is now living in fear and trembling of being done in by the Russians. But should we feel any sympathy for the guy?
Surely, if he was trying to sleaze the rich and the powerful for his own sordid financial gain, he has to accept the consequences of his actions, including becoming collateral damage himself?
You've only yourself to blame
We have the Chancellor, P. Hammond, doing a sneak ‘coded' attack on incoming President Trump and the Defence Secretary, M. Fallon, doing the same to President-For-Life Putin. Hammond unleashed a moan about ‘populism' in his whinge, seemingly unaware that he is part of the problem. The Establishment feathering its own nest and doing its ‘coded' attacks when the voters would rather have some honesty and plain speaking is what gave rise to ‘populism'.
Out with a bang
Here's a new one: El Pais, Spain's only national newspaper with a decent circulation (it's a bit more than theGuardian's) would have us believe that Britain is about to enjoy a ferocious Brexit from the EU. That should be fun.
That's a good one: nuclear disarmers moaning about Trident is like eunuchs moaning about the price of Viagra.
Self-Defeating Role
 The current self- and state-appointed Witch-Hunters General seem to be on course to put their successors out of a job. The more they persecute former soldiers for imaginary historical crimes, the more recruitment drops off, and the country is heading for a state of involuntary disarmament due to a complete lack of soldiers.
Unless, of course, the government goes back into history and starts recruiting foreign mercenaries again.
Time to put up
“The EU seems intent on punishing Britain for daring to choose to leave but we have yet to be shown the piece of legislation which makes Britain's membership of this corrupt shambles compulsory.”
DON'T ASK!
The boozy head of the European Commission has advised other states not to follow Britain's example and hold a referendum on EU membership. "It is not wise to hold this kind of debate," opined Juncker the Cluncker, the former head of pan-EU tax swindling in Luxembourg. Which is just Eurospeak for, "The voters will only pick the Leave option and put me out of a job."
Sounds like profiteering
Why would anyone pay €55 for a copy of the official state-annotated version of Mein Kampf, Adolf Hitler's out-of-copyright prison memoir? Apparently, most of the people who bought the 85,000 copies are academics, so they were able to put it on their expenses.
Things that need to be driven into Europeon heads
We have an absolute right to leave the EU if it's not the club we joined, we don't like the way it's being run and we don't like where it's going. Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty says so. Which means the basket of arrogant foreign deplorables running it can take their talk of ‘punishment' for the UK and stick it where the Sun don't shine.
It was precisely this attitude which fuelled the Leave movement when Britain had its referendum on membership.
And another thing: Britain won't be paying £10 Billion/year into the EU budget for the six years beyond 2019, when we leave, as the basket-cases assume. So any spending plans they've made beyond then will have to be cancelled or trimmed, if they have become unaffordable. And the basket-cases can have no complaints about lack of notice.
Lots of sound and fury . . .
“Should we take any notice of the anti-Trump marchers? Not if they're persons of no importance. Luvvies from the film industry, who claim to be protesting against Trump's attitude to women but sat on their hands when Bill Clinton was paying out huge amounts of cash to make cases against him go away. Reasonably well-off people with nothing better to do with their time. The usual rent-a-mob gang and professional protesters. And a seasoning of criminals, who were there for some looting an arson with the police deflected. None of them real people with opinions worth knowing, just snowflakes throwing their toys out of the pram because they lost.”
Judgement severely lacking
“Philip Glass is the world's most successful Classical composer? Pur-lease! Prolific, certainly, but also excruciating.”
An early start?
Those strolling out for a newspaper at 10:45 a.m. on New Year's Day had their ears assailed by the "wee-oh, wee-oh, wee-oh" of a police car in full cry. "Ah," the newspaper-seekers might have been forgiven for thinking, "Inspector Fiend is late for his tea break."
But no, the police car went into silent mode just before turning into Beechwood Avenue. About thirty seconds later, it was followed by a police van, which arrived in silent mode.
Both were parked down at the other end of the avenue when our reporter was on the way home with his copy of The Sunday Telegraph. Was this Romiley making an early start on the first riot of a new season? Sadly, our reporter was of the Tribe of Knut when it came to investigating what the coppers were up to.
The biggest problem the NHS has is the nasty people running it
Stepping Hill hospital, Romiley's local, is working a cute swindle on the staff. 2,127 of them have between £120 and £960 per year deducted from their pay in exchange for 'free' parking. But there are never enough staff parking places available for those on duty.
This means that some lucky members of staff have to pay extra to park off-site or be fined for parking in visitor areas. The hospital's official reaction to complaints is to tell the staff to catch a bus or organize a car pool.
No danger of the council applying a few shovelsful of sand 'n' salt to the Pavement of Death at the centre of Romiley to keep people safe on Friday the 13th.
One rule for the police, another for everyone else
R. Sutcliffe, the Greater Manchester Police assistant chief constable who flashed her tits at a colleague whilst delivering a drunken rant, is not getting the sack. Although guilty of gross misconduct, and with her credibility in tatters, GMP is now faced with having to invent another job for her, and continuing to pay out £109,000/year of taxpayers' cash to a lame duck. Sutcliffe, it seems has friends in high places and our Police and Crime Commissioner (£150K) is powerless to intervene; which makes him a lot of use, too.
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"We don't kno nuffink, okay?"
The alleged Ministry of Justice, headed by L. Truss, is being very cute in its campaign to hide its deficiencies from public scrutiny. It is refusing to answer Freedom of Information questions about the identities of criminal fugitives, whom the police are failing to track down.
15 murderers, 44 rapists and other sex offenders and 189 criminals with a history of violence are currently enjoying the protection of the MoJ's cloak of invisibility, along with several thousand lesser offenders.
Another day, another body in Rio
The wife of the Greek ambassador to Brazil and a local copper, who was supposed to be protecting the ambassador, have been arrested for his murder. The director of the Homicide Division of the Rio de Janeiro police has described the murder as an isolated incident and nothing to do with the city's world-record levels of violence and corruption.
The ambassador's body was found in a burnt-out car in a district where retired coppers and firemen operate protection rackets, extorting cash from residents under the pretext of keeping out drug gangs.
Something to look forward to
The government will begin to recycle old 3d bits as pound coins in March. Apparently, the new 12-sided quids are expected to be the most uncounterfeitable coins ever made. We'll see.
FU caused by FT
Why did the pound sink in a Flash Crash last October? Because the Bremoaners @ the Financial Times got into the heads of twitchy traders @ the Bank of International Settlements and in Tokio, and their computer algorithms did the rest.
High horizons, low expectations
We're being told that the Indian government expects to make a bomb out of the world record 103 satellites, which it hopes to launch next month on a rocket paid for by British aid money.
One thing we can be sure of is that if the launch is successful, the poor people of India won't see a red cent of the cash. Not while their government is full of aid-junkies and ours is a gang of mugs with no regard for British taxpayers' money.
Just so you know . . .
That Leap Second, was it added to 2016 or 2017? people have been wondering. The extra second was officially added to Co-ordinated Universal Time (UTC) just before midnight on December 31st, so 2016 got the benefit of it. There is now a 36-second difference between International Atomic Time, as measured by atomic clocks, and Universal Time, which keeps track of the changing rate of rotation of the Earth, which decreases with time.
So much for gender equality
The female brain starts to conk out when its owner reaches her 50s, a study at UCLA has found. Unless the woman is a British civil servant. Studies here have found that the rot starts to set in between 45 and 49 for ladies in the civil service.
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 The rail unions will be continuing their strikes into the new year.
I. Rogers, the Bremoaner luvvie-jobber ambassador to the EU, who has walked off the job in a huff. He won't be missed. Also his crew chief, J. Powell.
All Millennial snowflakes.
All the Whitehall stooges who think they should get a Brexit pay rise for doing their job.
Meryl Creep, whose head is so far up her own ass that it would take a major expedition to find it.
The writers and cast of the BBC's Sherlock series, who seem to have developed the same problem as Ms Creep.
D. Isaac of the Commish for Bigot Equality, who thinks Brexit means a storm of hate crimes.
G. Osborne, sacked Chancellor, cashing in shamelessly.
Prince Chazzer and his passion for the not-so-great global warming swindle.
Judges who bring their own politics into rulings.
The ghastly editor of Tatler magazine has taken the ludicrously ghastly step of banning the word 'ghastly'.
Baroness Scotland, who has spent £33,000 of taxpayer's money on pants for the Commonwealth.
Harridan Harperson and her sexed-up 'memoir'.
Dave the Sacked Leader, Osborne and all the other failed politicians who are cashing in, like Clegg.
Does anybody care what Gary Lineker sez he thinks?
To Mr. B. Cranston, actor, we would like to say: "Don't fart in the air that all of us got to breathe."
“Far queue, far queue very much!” – Frank Zappa.
The Far Queue: the traditional parking place for everything "not wanted on voyage". |
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top | Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, January MM17. |
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