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Romiley News

Don't want to know

bullet Romiley is 'served' by the Greater Manchester police farce which, despite grabbing another 3.2% in next month's new, improved Council Tax, is not doing much of a job. In fact, a Romiley resident who is burgled has a chance of interesting the police of no better than fifty-fifty.
   FoI Act requests by the Liberals have discovered that GMP ignore 57% of domestic burglaries as well as 70% of bicycle thefts and 76% of street thefts. In fact, the official response from GMP to those whose crimes are ignored amounts to 'tough'.


Sheer dishonesty
reader comment“Why should there be a tax on insurance, which is the prudent and right thing to do? Why should there be a tax on already taxed assets in someone's estate, which is another tax on lack of fecklessness? If the government wants to raise money, it should be obliged by law to raise sales tax and/or income tax.”

Problem preempted
bullet The new 3d-bit style £1 coins will have 12 blunted points because the Royal Mint was worried about being sued by people complaining that sharp points had worn holes in their pockets. The blunting will also cause less wear and tear on vending machines and the coins themselves. Ambulance-chasing compensation lawyers are up in arms over the decision.

space news

High Hopes
bullet At the beginning of this month, SpaceX announced that it planned to launch two space tourists on a round-the-Moon flight. There are just a few minor medical problems for the jaunters to consider, however.
   There will be motion sickness, which can last for a few hours but also for days, which offers the possibility that the lunar tourist won't be in any shape to start enjoying the trip until he/she is almost back home. The lack of gravity will also redistribute body fluids so that the tourist will have slim legs but a fat face; and need to pee a hell of a lot.
   There won't be too much risk from exposure to radiation outside Earth's magnetosphere, but if the Sun starts feeling energetic and hurls a flare in the wrong direction, it could be curtains for all concerned. And if anything goes wrong with the spacecraft, there won't be a lifeboat and International Rescue won't be able to help, either.
   But hey, it could all go swimmingly!
   p.s. There's a small cloud on the horizon for SpaceX; the Russians also have plans to use Soyuz spacecraft to send tourists round the Moon as well as taking them to the ISS.

High Hopes II
bullet Professor Stephen Hawking would like to go into space to experience the cosmos, and that's why he's accepted a seat on the Branson Space Buggy Virgin Galactic. There are only 2 small problems facing the professor:
a) the BSB will just about make it to the top of the atmosphere, so it's not that much of a cosmic experience, and
b) at 75, will the good professor live long enough for the space buggy service to begin? Given that at the present rate of progress, it doesn't look like getting off the ground this century.


Just so you know
bullet Donald Trump's presidency has been described as an ocheocracy. In case anyone is wondering, that's a society in which anyone can step up to the oche and chuck some darts at the board.

Snowflake time in Moscow
bullet A zoo in Moscow is planning to sue an advertising agency for using a hired racoon in a shoot also featuring a topless model (female). The zoo's boss is claiming: "Since the racoon filmed in the commercial cannot defend himself, we will have to do it for him." What total bollocks! How does the idiot know that the racoon didn't have the time of his life?

Good news, America and the world!
bullet We don't have to worry about Donald Trump any more. Captain Picard of the Starship Enterprise has baldly gone to the United States, where he plans to take on board US citizenship in order to take on The Donald. He is believed to have received a generous leave of absence from Star Fleet for the duration of his mission.

Further proof that we are surrounded by idiots
bullet A survey by the wine merchant Laithwaite's has come up with the surprising result that people think wine won't keep and actually throw it away if it's more than half a day old! The equivalent of 624,000,000 bottles go down the drain for the delight of sewer rats every year; if the research is valid.
   Apparently, an amazing number of people just don't get that you can screw the cap back on, or re-cork a bottle, and it will remain okay and drinkable for several days at least.


Beefriended & honey-trapped!
bullet British troops sent to Estonia as a gesture against Russian's imperialist ambitions are being warned about the risk of being Mata Hari'd. The Russians will be infiltrating agents, who will offer our troops a shag in return for the opportunity to bug their phone and any other devices they can lay their mitts on.

A considered choice
bullet If the Scots have another (unilateral) referendum and vote for independence the second time around, that will prove only that they can't make their minds up. So they'll need to have a 3rd referendum to be sure they got it right. And a 4th a couple of years later to be absolutely sure they know what they're doing.
   And if the result of IndyRef4 doesn't match that from IndyRef3, they'll be in real trouble!

Irreparable Damage?
bullet Sergeant Alexander Blackman's imminent release from prison marks the end of a shameful paragraph in the history of our military, our government and our legal system. The Military Covenant is clearly dead and buried, and troops sent to fight in future wars must know that if Sergeant Blackman's victory over the senior officers, the politicians and the lawyers sent to lie for them in court – over matters of fact and by omission – looked unlikely, then the odds against anyone else getting a fair shake are now infinitely bad.
   Why? Because there's nothing as vindictive as a system which got it wrong and was humiliated by proof that yes, it did get things very badly wrong.

Home News
UK Flag

One up the kilt for Spreadsheet Phil
Hammond, son of Smug Buggerbullet What is it about politics which makes its participants so unbearably smug when they're lying through their teeth or breaking manifesto and other promises?
   The grins and grimaces which accompanied the Budget made all the more amusing, the PM's decision to delay the Chancellor's manifest-busting NI tax rise for the self-employed at least until the autumn following a rebellion in the ranks of her MPs, who are not happy about the way Spreadsheet Phil cast aside a clear manifesto pledge with a transparently bogus quibble about the small print.
   Another reason for unhappiness is that the PM described the NI tax change as 'progressive' which, as any seasoned watcher of politicians knows, is a code word indicating that there is a swindle on the way.

Rolling the pitch
bullet The budget and its stealth taxes, and all the manifesto pledge-busting, suggests that there's something fundamental going on in British politics. Theresa May can see that Jeremy Corbyn's Labour party is unelectable and she seems to be trying to level the playing field by doing the same to the Tory party. Which leaves those who feel inclined to vote Tory, but who are having doubts now, asking why? What is she getting out of it?

black square Sing a song at a rugby international and what do you get? Some racialist foreign academic doing a whinge about it. Didn't stop England hammering the Scots 61-21 at home the following weekend.

Let us be clear about Corbyn
bullet Labour leader pro-tem J. Corbyn has said it would be absolutely fine for Scotland to hold another independence referendum. He has also said that he thinks independence would be an economic catastrophe for our northern neighbours. But if the Scottish Parliament votes to cut the nation's collective throat, that's their choice and he won't oppose it in the Westminster Parliament.
   In other words, if the Scots choose to go to Hell in a handcart, he won't stand in their way. Which is eminently sensible and most un-Corbynlike!

black square What are we going to do with the £350 million/week which we won't be spending on the EU? Well, why not use some of it to restore some national price, and create a useful marketplace for foreign trade, by building a new Royal Yacht Brexitania?
   Some comedians have pointed out that the £350 million/week which the EU won't be getting is going to the NHS. Not a problem. The Royal Yacht which Tony B. Liar scrapped was a converted hospital ship, so there's a precedent for raiding the NHS budget for a new national flagship. And wouldn't it be absolutely wonderful to have the piece of paper which uncouples us finally from the EU signed aboard the new Royal Yacht Brexitania?


Kim Jong Out-of-ammo?
bullet We were treated to pictures of the N. Korean gang boss, Kim J-u, laughing his head off as his fireworks company shot off 4 missiles in the general direction of Japan on Monday; in defiance of orders from the toothless UNO, of course.
   But was that wise? What's he going to do to top his quadruple launch? The next time will have to be at least 6 rockets, and how is he going to be able to keep up the progression? His best option would appear to be to hope for assassination, like his brother Nam, before he reaches a humiliating missile shortage.


Who sez the CIA doesn't have 2 brain-cells to rub together?
bullet Doing hacking and leaving behind the fingerprints of other hackers, as mooted by WikiLeaks, is an inspired idea. And it certainly explains how the CIA knows so much about the alleged Russian hacking in the United States in order to influence the outcome of the presidential election just gone.

Let's just enjoy it
bullet The winter of 2016/17 was one of the mildest and driest since official records began in 1910. Most winters are either cold and dry or mild and wet. The winter we're leaving behind is unusual for being mild with only three-quarters of the average rainfall. We could do with more of the same in the future!
   How the weather in this winter went offers no clues as to what will happen in the spring to come. Remember; anyone who tries to tell you different is a scammer.

It's just a green crap scam!
bullet Smart meters do away with meter-readers, right? Wrong. Power companies continue to send them round to be sure that their ‘smart' meters are reporting consumption accurately. Which kind of invalidates the stated raison d'ętre in favour of the hidden agenda.
   Smart meters are really a device to let power companies charge more when the wind ain't blowing and the sun ain't shining, and the over-subsidized ‘sometime availables' aren't available and the ‘always on' gas and coal-fuelled power stations are producing much cheaper electricity at artificially inflated prices.
black square While we're at it, let's just nail the lie. Wind and solar power aren't 'renewables', they're 'occasionally availables' according to whether or not the wind is blowing and the sun is shining.

Very undesertly
bullet Saturday qualifying rained off in Qatar, in the desert! The start of the main event of the weekend, the MotoGP race, delayed because of some rain which left no one sure what the track was like? I suppose it's all going to be blamed on man-made global warming. Everything else is.

Crime News

Law to order
bullet The Sentencing Council, which is headed by Lord Chief Justice Thomas, thinks that young criminals from ethnic minorities should be given softer sentences than white young criminals because they are 'over-represented'; i.e. proportionately more of them are criminals.
   So much for the principle of one law for everyone.

bullet If you're a drug dealer, it's generally a good idea to keep a low profile. Which makes the actions of S. Pohl, a supplier to crystal methodists and pot users, all the more strange. Displaying images associated with the 1930s/40s Nazis is a hanging offence in Germany, where Mr. Pohl lives. So why on Earth did he put pix of slices of toast branded with images of A. Hitler on his InYerFacebuk page? All it got him was busted. But at least being sent back to gaol solved his homelessness problem.

How very New Labour
bulletThe IPCC picked Budget Day to release a report on the Metropolitan Police Farce's Operation Midland into hysterical child sex abuse. Clearly, The Complaints was embarrassed by the amount of whitewash splashed on to the senior coppers who accepted silly stories from serial fantasist 'Nick' at face value and wasted millions before he was blown out of the water.

Rolling the pitch
bullet Figures released by the Home Office show that the police are attempting to obtain ethnic balancing of terror suspects. White people are being arrested more often for trivial offences, and these arrests are receiving more publicity, and arrests of those of 'Asian ethnic appearance' are down.

black square The Thames Valley police farce is getting its crime figures down by refusing to record thefts from shops if the value of the stolen goods is below £100. Other police farces are doing the same, some with the threshold set at £50.

Petard, own, hoist
bullet An Italian Mafia boss, who fled the country in 1994 to avoid a 22-year gaol sentence for drug trafficking, was daft enough to put himself on InYerFaceBuk in Mexico. Consequently, he was spotted, busted and deported to Italy.

Wot bluddy Cuts?
bullet The Wiltshire police farce is so unaffected by The Cuts that it has been able to blow over £1 million of taxpayers' money on Operation Conifer, its 'investigation' of ludicrous abuse allegations made against the late Sir E. Heath. About the only pertinent matter to come out the shambles is the question: "What was the Wiltshire police farce doing whilst all this alleged satanic abuse was going on? [Turning a blind eye? Ed.]

Appropriate positioning
bullet Insiders in the prison service reckon that 3-5 screws at every nick in England and Wales is so corrupt and in league with the convicts that he/she deserves to be . . . in gaol!

The dog ate it
bullet The Wiltshire police farce is to close down Operation Conifer, its attempt to sleaze the memory of the late Sir E. Heath, but the results will remain confidential to avoid revealing exactly how flimsy the 120% evidence was and exactly who was responsible for the shambles. Protecting police careers and pensions is behind the secrecy.

Limited threat potential?
bullet We're getting all sorts of scare stories to the effect that currently non-existent bobbies on the beat are about to be replaced by drones. But let's consider a few facts. A typical police drone can fly at about 40 mph and its battery will last for about 20 minutes. How much spying is going to be achieved in such a limited window? It's about long enough to find the odd female sunbather au naturel and take a couple of snaps.


Why didn't they see this one coming?
bullet The foodie fad of turning fruit and veg into a drinkable mush is fuelling O'besity. If consumed as they are, fruit and veg release their sugars slowly. O'bliterated in a blender, the sugars are there in a big rush and can easily be over-consumed, making the trendy foodie horribly fat instead of svelte and healthy.

Selling Scotland Short
bullet VisitScotland is being taken to task by academics at the Highlands & Islands University. The tourism agency is being accused of failing to celebrate the full range of Scottish heritage by ignoring the contribution from such delights as the deep-fried Mars bar.
   Whisky and scenery is all very well, but the DFM has a cult following in Scotland and it has the potential to attract thousands of foreign visitors, say the H&IU boffins.
reader comment“The paper on DFM offered by the gang at H&IU has been scrutinized by the Plain English Campaign, which branded the language and phraseology 'preposterous'. Surely it wasn't a wind-up?”

Drink coffee and you'll die!
bullet The latest gen from the foodies is that all those people who think they'll live forever if they wash down a vitamin pill with their breakfast coffee are deluding themselves. A hot drink neutralizes the pill's effect (if any). The same happens to ‘probiotic' (pro-warning) bacteria, which are claimed to do consumers so much good. Porridge is also a destroyer.

Weapons necessary
bullet The blessed Mary Berry is being mocked for revealing that she eats pizza with a knife and fork, but maybe her pizzas portions are rather more than a small slice of baked dough with a few smears of stuff. There is a school of thought which makes the standard portion one-third, or even one-half, of a whole pizza, and it can't be picked up without causing the generous layers of topping to fall off. Hence the need for a knife ‘n' forque.

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Self-inflicted wound
bullet The Chancellor, P. Hammond, is being abused for sexism because he told a hysterical female Labour MP not to be hysterical. Not an unreasonable request in the circumstances.

HUTA Warning
bullet Someone with far too much time on his hands at the Ministry of Defence wants female members of the RAF (and, in due course, all female service personnel) to be banned from wearing a skirt for ceremonial parades.
   The excuse for this daft act of diversity is that enforcing trousers only avoids offending Moslems and a very tiny number of men who have decided to be women, and it lets female servicepersons have their legs tattooed; something they can't indulge in if they are required to wear a skirt.

Internet garbage dump?
bulletA lot of self-righteous indignation was excreted over Facebook, Google/Youtube and Twitter executives by the Commons public affairs committee. The anti-social meeja companies were accused of making no attempt to remove vile content and profiting by putting adverts next to it.
   Is anything likely to change? Customers are advised not to hold their breath. Especially as some of the explanations for retaining pages which upset the MPs were quite reasonable.

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world news

It's contagious?
Michelle ObamabulletA long time ago, but not in a galaxy far, far away, the Daily Mail ran a picture feature on Posh Spice, which revealed that she has a distressing tendency to lose limbs. A picture published in the Sunday Telegraph on the second Sunday of the month (right) suggests that exactly the same is happening to Michelle Obama, the former First Lady of the United States! If she keeps it up, she will very soon not have a leg to stand on.

Political Allegory
bullet Anyone who's been watching the TV series Supergirl on Sky One will be aware that there's a super-baddie in it called Corbyn. Is this a coincidence? Or is the show in fact a reflection of current politics, in which our Prime Minister is represented by Supergirl and that's why the Forces of Evil is called Corbyn?
   If this is true, it raises the obvious question of which character represents Donald Trump. Well, he has to be The Flash, the fastest human around, who has his own show but who drops in on Supergirl occasionally to be of help.

Foot, yes; ball, no
bullet A Russian MP and member of the board of the Russian Football Union is keen to pioneer a new spectator sport. He'd like to see gangs of around 20 or so unarmed football hooligans doing battle on the pitch with no ball, no rules, no nuffink.
   Mr. I. Lebedev thinks this sport is something Russia could excel at, even without filling its athletes full of dangerous drugs. Other than alcohol, of course.

black square What is British aid money being used for in India as well as funding their space programme? It's helping Indians to buy special Panasonic washing machines with a 'curry' setting for removing lurid and normally unshiftable stains.

Just posturing, Burney!
bullet Do we, south of the border, care that Wee Burney Sturgeon and her Green allies have voted for another referendum on Scottish independence five minutes after the one which was supposed to settle things for a generation?
   Nope! Because we know that independence is all about fulfilling Wee Burney political ambition to be the first President of Scotland and nothing to do with what's of any benefit for the inhabitants of that unfortunate country.

Far Queue List

Far Queue symbol Justice Sec. L. Truss has screwed up big-time. Her crazy decision on compensation would shove more cash into the pockets of ambulance-chasing lawyers and cost motorists and businesses (and their customers) a fortune. The Treasury is having to step in to sort out her mess.

Far Queue symbol Ex-PM J. Major, who presided over the Tory party's worst general election defeat in over 100 years (at the hands of Tony B. Liar and New Labour), is even more pissed off with the electorate post-Brexit. He just doesn't seem to get that doing the opposite of what he wants is always in the country's best interests.

Far Queue symbol Whoever it was who made a bog of filling in J. Corbyn's tax return.

Far Queue symbol Sacked Chancellor G. Osborne, who charged the taxpayer £188 via his expenses for the new stationery he's using to market his dodgy financial services.

Far Queue symbol The laughing Chancellor, P. Hammond, who failed to warn his Cabinet colleagues that he was about to trash a manifesto commitment in his budget. Which led to a humiliating U-turn a week later, proving that the man who was lousy as the Dave's Defence Sec. is just as lousy at the Treasury.

Far Queue symbol Harridan Harperson, who's moaning again.

Far Queue symbol C. Hogg, deputy gov. of BoE, was sacked for thinking the rules she created didn't apply to her.

Far Queue symbol M. Carney, gov of BoE (not yet sacked), continued to groom Ms Hogg for his job after she became dead in the water after a savaging by MPs, so what's his judgement worth? Especially after his part in Project Fear.

Far Queue symbol Bill Clinton and all the other friends of the IRA.

Far Queue symbol “Far queue, far queue very much!” – Frank Zappa.

The Far Queue: the traditional parking place for everything "not wanted on voyage".

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to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, March MM17.