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Pre-Snow Emergency Provisions
bullet Never mind the Zombie Apocalypse, the Snoflakes have taken over!
   A bit of snow forecast. What do the rail companies do? Cancel lots of trains, even though the snow hasn't actually arrived, and fail to provide replacement buses in anticipation of the roads being impassable because of the snow (which hasn't arrived). [And blame it all on the Met Office for rotten forecasting. Ed.]
   Airlines cancel flights. The NHS goes into meltdown and cancels lots more operations. Schools close. Public Health England advises people to turn their heating on and eat warm food and wear warm clothing; and they actually get paid money out of taxpayers' pockets for telling us that.
   Will there be anything left running or anywhere left open, or any supermarkets with any stock, when the Siberian Blast arrives? Probably not.
reader comment“A lot of weather is a complete waste of time. Take what happened on the last day of this month for instance. Overnight snow, paths swept clear, then a morning of alternating brief blizzards and sunny spells, which quickly melted the newly deposited snow. Just an exercise in pointlessness.”

Turf War
bullet There's nothing like exposing fraudsters for getting the usual suspects het up. Posting pictures of fake homeless beggars has done wonders for clearing them off the streets of some towns. But the police and charity professionals don't like amateurs trespassing on their territory.
   Their response has been hysterical accusation that the clean-up campaigners are demonizing every genuine homeless person on the planet. Like they do. And those penguins whose lifestyle isn't compatible with their environment—the cleaner-uppers will probably get the blame for driving them to extinction next.


The man who put the 'git' in gîte
bullet The Archybish of Canterbury has it in for second home owners, blaming them for the housing market's problems. There's a bit of self-flagellation going on as they include his holier-than-thou self. He has a huge, six-bedroom mansion in Normandy and, like Pixie Balls-Cooper and the other Labour aristocraps, he doesn't let refugees use his reserve residence when he's not there.

Oooh, missus!He's got more principles than you can shake a stick at or:
If you don't like these principles, hang about; I'm bound to get round to something you'll like eventually

bullet J. Corbyn has ditched the Wolfie Smith revolutionary pitch and joined the Eurobrowser Establishment at its trough. After spending a parliamentary career pretending to be bitterly opposed to the EU and all its works, he's finally taken the Europeon Commission's shilling. Confirming the political maxim: They all sell out in the end.


Splateral thinking, or 'Don't move or the newts get it!'
bullet The government's stooges are full of bright ideas when they're trying to ram through a white elephant project. The £97 billion H2S railway, for instance, will encroach on woodland and the public keeps protesting about it, despite the best efforts of Transport Sec. C. Greyling to get the protests made illegal.
   The stooges, meanwhile, have come up with a plan to move endangered snakes and great crested newts to a common area. And when the snakes eat the newts, which is what they do, the problem will be halved and the protesters will lose 50% of their justification.
   Cute, huh?

All change
bullet Venice is set for a major change of look and feel. The city council has let the canals silt up to the point where there is no longer enough funding to dredge them clear. Which means that the likely next step is to pave over the canals and fit wheels and electric motors to the gondolas for the sake of the tourist trade. No doubt, global warming will get the blame. Its shoulders are broad enough.

Take responsibility
reader comment“It's all very well for the courts to keep Lauri Love out of gaol in the United States but he is still a smug hacker with no sense of responsibility. He still needs to be locked up in a secure facility or supervised to the extent that he has no access to computers until he acquires a bit of judgement. One thing is for certain, his 'ordeal' whilst he was under threat of 99 years' incarceration for his crimes was definitely not 'shameful', as his apologists are suggesting. It was entirely self-inflicted and he was the agent of his own downfall, witting or not.”

bullet If Ryangrounded is Europe's No. 1 airline, just how bad are the rest of them?

bullet KLM and Air France have both been busted for making illegal charges when UK customers use a credit card to book their services.

bullet If you want to get yourself killed by Islamists in Tunisia, you can again. Tourism was shut down in 2015 after a beach massacre. It is now available again.

If only he would travel!
bullet The staff at the Ecuadorian embassy is suffering from Xtreme Assange Fatigue Syndrome. The fugitive Aussie has been camped in one of the rooms of their building for six years now, but their efforts to get shot of him, they claim, have foundered on a British rock of refusal to let him get away with bail-jumping.
reader comment“If they've given the guy Ecuadorian citizenship, all they have to do is give him diplomatic status as well and ship him out in the diplomatic bag. Simple! But probably too straightforward for diplomats to consider.”


In her nineties, but the job goes ever on . . .

The Queen at a fashion show

Just say NO! now
bullet It has been pointed out that big companies threatening to pull advertising from anti-social meeja platforms until they stop promoting terrorism, trolling, porn, etc. won't achieve anything. If these companies were really serious, they would just pull their adverts overnight and tell Gooble and all the others that they are going to have to go cold turkey cashwise until they provide a wholesome environment for respectable companies to advertise in.

bullet Oxfam seems to be on course for changing its name to Harvey Weinstein's.

Shrinking job market
bullet All Formula One grid girls are getting the sack. It's another triumph for the confected outrage brigade, who don't care who ends up out of a job and out of pocket when they're waving the virtue flag. Predictably, the grid girls are furious at being put out of work by the monstrous regiment of faux-virtuous wimmin. Especially as the wimmin did not have the good manners to consult them before throwing their virtue wobbly.
bullet Grid girls are going to have to fight for ring woman jobs at boxing matches?

bullet Beware of big firms with a name that starts with 'C'. Capita is having a share-price crash and could well be going the way of Carillion, which lost a balancing act between wafer-thin profit margins on public sector contracts and huge payments to bosses and shareholders. Not to mention skimping on contributions to the pension fund.

Ominously looming
bullet The chairman of the back bench 1922 Committee is rumoured to have received 365 letters calling for Mrs. May to step down, which is perilously close to the 401 needed for impeachment proceedings. Crumbs!

Contributing to the gaiety of nations . . .
bullet How kind it was of all the meeja wimmin, including some who are normally quite sensible, to leap to the aid of the ridiculous Labour MP E. Thornberry, who became the world's biggest victim, in the eyes of the wimmin, when she was told to grow up when being pathetic during PMQs.

Institutional Sex Bias
bullet The Advertising Standards Authority has ruled that men can be used as sex objects in TV adverts but women can't. Why? Because men have senses of humour and proportion, and women don't.


The Ease of Remaining Vertical
bullet The Olympics luvvies insisted on letting Russians complete in the Winter games — but under their multi-ringed flag rather than the Putinocracy's tricolour. Next thing you know, one of the Russkies 'won' a medal and failed a drug test.
   No one fell over in amazement? Not a surprise, really.

"We are experiencing unexpected technical problems . . ."
bullet The BBC's fragile female presenters at the winter Olympic Games in South Korea soon found themselves speechless in temperatures of -23 deg.C. Their make-up froze solid, leaving them unable to do anything but maintain their opening to-camera smile.

Pence culture shock

England 12: Wales 6
bullet Rygbi: A game the Welsh learnt from the English, but not well enough to beat them and not well enough to spell it properly.

Scotland 25, England 13
bullet We were told there would be a massacre at Murrayfield if England got everything right. In the event, they got everything wrong but it was still a massacre.


Here's a good one . . .
bullet The EU's management wants us to believe that Brexit and abandoning their rules and regulations will give cancer to everyone in the UK. Sounds like they are completely unable to find a decent scriptwriter. Or one who can remain undruncker.

After Corbyn, no news
bullet J. Corbyn has assured the British people that there will be no need to worry about his spying activities and his habit of consorting with terrorists and the country's enemies after he becomes Prime Monster. All newspapers which fail to support Corbyn Labour slavishly will be shut down and anyone who is ill-mannered enough as to notice the Blessed Leader's failings will be thrown up against a wall and shot.
reader comment“Is Czech secret spy code-name for J.C., i.e. COB, really an acronym? For Cute Old Bugger? Or maybe Contemptible.

Silver = brainless?
bullet The 'experts' are living in fear of silver surfers being vulnerable to fake news on anti-social meeja. Well, if someone who's over 50 years old doesn't know that the internet it 99% total rubbish plus another 0.9% plain and simple rubbish, then the world is in real trouble!


You bunch of rotters!
Far Queue symbol Good job there is no copyright on titles or Romiley Literary Circle author Bennett Delieve would have been in for a big pay day from the cheeky bastards who have borrowed the concept and the title of his 1981 short story The Hurricane Heist.

bullet Ofcom is to ban transmission of episodes of Dad's Army on diversity grounds. A show with a cast consisting mainly of elderly white men fails to tick the required number of boxes.


Nothing New
bullet The Independent Commission for Aid Impact has concluded that foreign aid makes the recipients dependent: that's dictators, corrupt government officials and the odd poor person. If they were expecting anyone to fall over in amazement, it's time to guess again.
   We had the aid thing proved conclusively right here during the last decade, when New Labour under Bliar and Brown started throwing benefits at everyone in an attempt to create a non-working underclass, which felt obliged to vote Labour to keep the benefits cash flowing.

Bad people do bad things
Far Queue symbol R. Micewan, the kommissar of the Royal Bonk of Scotland, has been forced to admit that the bank did use KGB tactics to drain and destroy small businesses as a matter of policy. He tried to play the victim card before the Commons Treasury Select Committee but it didn't work. A prolonged period of virtue-signalling from the RBS is now expected.

Far Queue symbol The Gov. of the Bank of England, M. Ciarney, seems to be setting up a shift of the goalposts to improve his image. Having failed spectacularly to keep inflation anywhere near the government's target of 2%, he appears to be manoeuvring to make the Retail and Consumer Price Indices equally available to allow him to pick whichever is closer to 2%.

bullet Politicians are used to arguing that black is white. Thus finding a way to use the bloated overseas aid budget to pay hospital parking charges should be a modest exercise in realigning the realité for them.

Snakes in oil AND grass
Far Queue symbol Did the Treasury civil servants fiddle their leaked figures on the impact of Brexit? Well, any organization pretending to be able to forecast what the British economy will do over the next 15 years is obviously an outfit of snake oil salesmen. In which case, the answer has to be a resounding YES!. The Treasury did codge together some spurious numbers to 'prove' that Brexit would be a disaster.

Far Queue symbol The Gov. of the Bonk of England has been shamed into admitting that his crystal-ball gazing on the future of the UK's economy was 'a little off'.
Translation: Nowhere near the mark, as usual, and made to promote Project Fear.

Far Queue symbol Swapping government bonds for shares would let Labour take over water, transport and everything else "at no expense to the taxpayer", according to Labour's idiot shadow Chancellor McDonald. What happens when people with the bonds want to cash them in has not been revealed. Maybe Momentum just goes round and beats them up until they change their mind.

bulletThe price of propaganda
reader comment“There are lots of firms swearing blind that they will lose money as a result of Brexit — but only for impurely political reasons. If they want to spread doom 'n' gloom, they should be obliged to be accountable. Each such firm should be required by law to put a cash figure on its anticipated losses. And if the firm fails to show this level of losses in a subsequent audit, it should be taxed additionally to ensure that the predicted loss occurs plus a propaganda supplement. That'll larn 'em!”

Oh, the shame of it
bullet The thing old Corbyn finds most embarrassing about the Czech spy thing is that they didn't make him a paid agent because they would see that he was too light-weight to be of value. In other words, he was a useless idiot.

bullet British Gas lost 750,000 customers in 2017 but increased its profits? Presumably, by charging the ones who didn't jump even more.


They must be big buggers!
bullet Our Food Correspondent came across an interesting recipe for red lentil and vegetable soup the other day. It was made with one and a half litres of water but "Serves Two" was printed at the top beside the title of the recipe. "But how many times?" our correspondent found himself asking.
   Given that a tin of soup from Aldi containing two decent servings holds 400 gms, the recipe has to be able to serve the lucky couple at least FIVE times.

bullet The Advertising Standards Authority has ruled that drinking overpriced bottled water will not help people to live long enough to collect a congratulatory telegram from the monarch.

bullet The best way to upset a vegan or animal rights fascist is to show them a video of a chicken doing a dance to some crap rap. [Is there any other sort? Ed.]
   Another good way to upset vegans is to have a ham and cheese sandwich in view.
[It's all very well for minorities to find their voice but they must respect the right of those who do not share their obsession to tell them to fuck in the direction of off when they become annoying. Or else. Ed]

The count-up clock is rising . . .
bullet Vegans are well on the way to having their prejudice proscribed. The government's anti-social meeja scanning engine, which logs posts by terrorists, pornographers and other enemies of life and decency, is counting their online death threats. And when the total hits an undisclosed magic number, veganists will join Islamists and other nasties on the official terrorist watch list.

bullet A survey by a dating agency has found that vegetarians are more deceitful than carnivores and they are less troubled by dishonesty and treachery.

Operational issues
bullet What do you get if you let DHL deliver the commodity on which your whole business is based? If you're KFC, two-thirds of out branches closed because they don't have any chicken, and nut-cases ringing the police to complain about the loss of their fave fast food!

As usual, the gap is in the credibility
bullet Lefty shroud-wavers would have us believe that most of the population would starve but for food banks. And yet, the Millennials are about to be declared the fattest generation since records began. Spit the bones out that!


reader comment“Maxie the Millionaire needs to get with the times. Banning newspapers from remembering that he sued the News of the Screws over their description of his masochism tango session with ladies in military uniforms is a waste of time when all the gory details are just a couple of clix away on the WWW.”

Benign Broadchasing Company
Far Queue symbol How very 'see no evil' it was of the BBC not to notice that everyone else is talking about Jezzer Corbyn's cavorting with communist spies.

"Shoot the women first!"
Far Queue symbol Is it strange that creepy female pacifist do-gooders always end up threatening to do violence to someone perceived to be their enemy to shut that person up? Maybe they just have a secret inner fascist, which will always find a way out.


So long and thanks for all the loot
Far Queue symbol President Zuma is reported to be really disappointed after being told to quit or be sacked by the Sarf Efrican party-for-ever, the ANC. He was hoping to get his score of corruption charges up past the 1,000 mark before he went. But he reached only 80% of his target.

Despite George Soros . . .
bullet When they voted in the EU membership referendum, the British public (those of them who had been paying attention) knew that the result would be respected. That's what Dave the Then Leader had told them.
   He added that if the result was a vote to leave, then that's what would happen and there would not be another renegotiation and another referendum.
   Which is something worth bearing in mind.

Of his mind, in this case!
bullet The Conservatives are intellectually bankrupt, according to J. McDonald, the Labour shadow chancellor. But as he is morally as well as intellectually bankrupt, who's going to believe him? [that's actually believe as opposed to pretending to believe]

Of their tree, in this case
bullet The Overseas Aid Department is throwing a wobbly over Oxfam officials paying women for sex when they were working in Haiti after the major earthquake in January 2010. The implication is that if they hadn't paid for it, then everything would have been okay.
bullet Despite all the posturing by the government, does anyone expect Oxfam to be cut off from the Overseas Aid Magic Money Tree? No?
Okay, is anyone surprised that Oxfam is standing on the moral high ground on feet of clay? No?

bullet Now that the luvvies are fleeing Oxfam over the sex scandal, it could be pointed out that taking exception to all the blatantly left-wing propaganda being issued by the management would have been a more honourable reason to go. But also unluvvie.

Boris tells it like it is

British global economy post Brexit

And not before time
Far Queue symbol It was said at the time that it was all very well for the EU's Bad Faith department to threaten to insert a punishment clause into its draft of the Brexit transition agreement, but everyone would know that it was just a silly gesture because the UK would never go along with it. Now, some of the EU governments have told the Barnier Bunch to stop twatting about and forget playing gangsters.

reader comment“What is the reason for the lefty Blob's hostility to the concept of kids learning number tables at school? Could it be that to be able to do it, teachers would have to know something themselves to be sure the kids are getting it right? Which, of course, would be a gross violation of their 'uman bluddy rights.”
reader comment“That sounds more likely than the Blob's claims that learning tables is too stressful and 'it takes the fun out of learning maths'. There's bollocks, total bollocks and Blob bollocks.”

Think bigger and out of the box
bullet GPs are being urged to prescribe coffee mornings for their lonely patients. But how is this going to help the ones who aren't around much before the crack of noon?

A tweak in time . ..
bullet Windsor council has declared that its plan to fine rough sleepers £100 for antisocial behaviour needs further work. How about making the fine £250? That'll larn 'em! There's no need at all to be unsightly somewhere posh.


"Own Juice" and "Stew"
Far Queue symbol Fugitive Aussie leaker J. Assange has been warned that his five years of voluntary incarceration in the Ecuadorian embassy will not count as 'time served' and will not be taken as grounds for cancelling the arrest warrant issued for bail-jumping when he was facing sex charges.

We need to be told
reader comment“Aussie fugitive from the law J. Assange is described as smelling like a dead badger. But what proof can the informant offer that (s)he actually knows what a dead badger smells like?”

Waste of time
bullet The US Attorney General's department has charged 13 Russians and 3 Russian companies with attempting to meddle in the last US presidential election between 2014 and 2016. The indictment runs for 37 pages and the Russkies are said to have blown millions of dollars.
   The US deputy AG, R. Rosenstein, would have us believe that the activities of the Russians had no effect on the outcome of the election. If so, why did his department waste so much time, trouble and taxpayers' money on the investigation?

A tale in tune with its time
bullet This 'Labour MPs spying for cash' is a well-constructed saga. In the 1980s, Labour was unelectable and all the commies in Parliament and the trade unions were desperate to drive the country into ruin in their efforts to bring down the Thatcher government. And if there was a bit of cash to be made from cosying up to Communist bloc spies, well, it's not for nothing that the MPs' part of a Palace of Westmonster mired with financial scandals was renamed the House of Common Criminals. It's a story with all the right buttons in a row, waiting to be pushed.

Inequality for some
reader comment“We're supposed to be indignant because the number of women working past 50 has gone up. But why? Men have to work to 65 (or 66 quite soon). When did women acquire a divine right to retire at 50?”

Saves the cost of an election
bullet President Xi of China is going down the Putin path by wiping out the rules that limit the length of time someone can occupy the top job. The dynastic system restored next after he becomes de facto emperor?

What will they think of next?
bullet Experts at Stockholm U. have concluded that people who can't stand smelly people with B.O. were more likely to vote for Donald Trump than the appalling Hillary Clinton in the last US presidential election.

How Not To Do It No. 601

How not to no. 601 


You do not need to put a ring-pull can in an electric can-opener.

What you are supposed to do it raise the ring
to break the seal then pull on it to remove the
top of the can.


Corby as toxic as Oxfam?
bullet J. Corbyn has denied being paid to give information to the Czech spies he met during the 1980s. Which means what? He's hoping we'll think he's a jolly good fellow if he gave aid and comfort to his country's enemies for free?
reader comment“The only Corbyn questions left are will the Czechs give him a medal for Services to Communism? And how big will it be?”
reader comment“You have to wonder about the mentality of people who start some of these online petitions. Like the one demanding that old Corby publishes any files he has on contacts with Soviet bloc spies. Would he really be daft enough [or even arrogant enough? Ed.] to keep a little book listing all the dates and times and places of his meetings with spies from Britain's enemies and terrorists? And amounts, if they paid him anything for his services?”

bullet Query: When someone tells you he has "no recollection of meeting anyone at the Czech embassy", what does that mean? He was too drunk to remember what had happened when he got home?


Sneak Attack
bullet The government is in the grip of the diversity lobby to the extent that GCHQ is striving to position itself as the best employer for people who don't know which sex they are. But just how seriously will SMERSH take a James Bond who has decided to identify as a woman? On the other hand, maybe MI6 is hoping he'll be able to stroll in and zap the lot of them whilst they're laughing at him.

Nazi is as Nazi does
Far Queue symbol How very Nazi it was of the former heads of the civil service to line up to call the Leave lobby Nazis. And how very pompous it was to expect anyone to believe that the civil service is impartial now after the abuses under Tony B. Liar (especially helping him to launch an illegal war in Iraq) and Call Me Dave.
reader comment“These Establishment parasites are admitting that they have lost the argument, as well as the plot, if they have to resort to Nazi smear tactics.”
reader comment“Calling the Brexiters Nazis is not something that would be done by neutral and rational people. These former civil service heads in the House of Frauds, therefore, have to be a bunch of swivel-eyed, crazy bigots. How nice of them to show their true colours.”

Far Queue symbol Are we surprised to have it confirmed that J. Corbyn hobnobbed with the STB directly and the KGB indirectly? Of course not. Any enemy of Britain can count of finding Jezzer friendly. Any fule kno that.

reader comment“How pissed was J.C. Druncker when he claimed to be strictly against a Europeon superstate in response to this months' Boris Brexit Vision? Obviously, too pissed to remember what he's been doing for the last few decades.”

Far Queue symbol Life is all about choices, and in the wake of the revelation that J. Corbyn consorted with at least one Czech spy in the 1980s, his choices would appear to be traitor or useful idiot apologist. Someone like that would make a very fine prime minister.


E(vil) 45
skull Skin creams containing soft paraffin waxes are being blamed for huge numbers of fire deaths following a survey by the nation's fire & rescue service. The creams soak into clothing and bedding, and they turn the user into a human candle on contact with a lit cigarette. The official advice is to ensure that both clothing and bedding are changed daily to reduce the risk.
bullet This is a known issue but most creams do not include a warning in their small print.


Move along, nothing to see
bullet Police rescue 100 workers from flower-picking slavery hell, shock-horror triumph!!
But when you get past the hysterical claims from the Devon & Cornwall police farce when they raced in mob-handed, it turned out that the workers weren't slaves after all, they thought that their conditions were okay and they were happy to continue the job.
   In fact, their only problem was that they weren't being paid because the police had grabbed the cash which was to be used to pay them with wild cries of 'Money Laundering Scheme Foiled!!'. Sometimes our police are wonderful and sometimes they are very Hogan Hyphen-Howe.

Confusion in the ranks of the enemy
bullet A killer doing time for murder in Schotts prison in Lanarkshire has come up with an interesting way to annoy and confuse the screws. He has decided that he is now a woman and the warders at the male prison can't decide whether a man or a woman should do the body searches when he's checked for contraband.


Taiwan emergency prop force
bullet When a large building topples over a bit in the wake of a R6.4 earthquake, stopping in a metastable position rather than going to full collapse, what do the emergency services do?

Taiwan earthquake damage Feb 2018

In Taiwan, the prop force is summoned to chock the building up whilst rescue teams check it for inhabitants. Which is not exactly a safe job when there are likely to be strong aftershocks following the main quake.

Taiwan earthquake damage Feb 2018
Chock 'n' search

Taken in our stride
bullet There was an R4.4 earthquake 12 miles north of Swansea and 5 miles deep at half-past two on the afternoon of Saturday the 18th of this month. Romiley's earthquake specialist reports that there were no obvious signs of it here, but he does recall hearing some odd noises about the house in the early afternoon.
   It evidently wasn't subsidence and a warning that the place was about to come down about his ears. But this effort was a mere nothing compared to the Great Romiley Earthquake of 1984.
bullet The last earthquake of any note affecting the Romiley area took place at around 1 a.m. on the night of February 27th in 2008. At the time, our earthquake corresponded noted: "Fortunately, this one lasted long enough for people to realize what was happening but not long enough to be alarming."

Progressive? Hardly
bullet The most interesting piece of information to come out of the Oxfam/Haiti shock-horror is that despite having £9 BILLION of aid money thrown at it, the place is still a wreck. The Lord helps those who help themselves. Clearly, no one of that particular ilk could be found in Haiti.

Romiley News

Pillocracy Rules, not OK

bullet Stockport council has banned lollipop persons from sharing a high-five with their child customers at school crossing points. One of the jobsworths explained that the gesture was banned on spurious safety grounds.

Winter's Claws

Fame at a distance
writer comment“No good idea can be resisted by Hollywood.” That's the view of RLC author Bennett Delieve, whose 1981 short story The Hurricane Heist has been mined for a blockbuster film in the Sharknado genre. “I'm a little surprised to see that they kept my title,” Mr. Delieve added whilst concocting glasses of pink cider (strong cider + crême de cassis) for himself and your BFN reporter. “But maybe it was just too good to resist.”

space news

Amazing what you can do with enough cash
bullet Elon Musk, the founder of PayPal, the Tesla electric car company, SpaceX and SolarCity, has used his mega-launcher to fire a red Tesla car, with a mate of the Mythbusters' 'Buster' in the driving seat, into orbit around the Sun.
   His company Space X is launching satellites with single units of its recoverable Falcon 9 boosters. It hopes that NASA will use the Falcon Heavy, which uses 3 booster rockets, to launch new, heavier rovers to Mars. As a delicate hint, the red Tesla car's orbit will take it past Mars . . .
bullet Two of the Falcon Heavy's boosters made perfect, synchronized landings upright back at the NASA launch facility. As for the third, which was supposed to land on a platform in the Atlantic, as Agent Maxwell Smart used to say: "Missed me by that much!" [300 feet, bitz everywhere. Ed.]
Far Queue symbol The 'experts' are telling us that Mr. Musk's car has a 6% chance of colliding with the Earth during the next million or so years. Which is total bollocks. An object of that size, if captured by the Earth's gravity, will burn up in the upper atmosphere and probably never be noticed.

Aliens! Useless bunch!
bullet The Chinese government shifted 9,000 inconvenient bodies out of the way of a huge new radio telescope project in the south-west of the country in 2016. The telescope has been up and running for around 18 months now. Sadly, no extraterrestrials have bothered to get in touch.


Armstrong not too Athletic
bullet To the delight of everyone watching, (apart from fans of the New England Patriots) the Philadelphia Eagles stamped their authority on this year's NFL final and held the lead for most of the match. The replay officials didn't do anything to spoil the occasion and the Philadelphia defence got stuck in to save the day at the end. A final score of 41-33 gave the Eagles their first Lombardi Trophy at their third attempt.
   A play that really stuck it to the Armstrongs came on 4th & 1 at the end of the first half. The running back, 30 Clement, took a direct snap and tossed the ball to former QB turned receiver 88 Trey Burton, who fired the ball to starting QB 9 Nick Foles his first ever TD reception.
   Foles also claimed another of the Super Bowl's weird records: he became the first QB to pass for a TD and receive one himself. No doubt would-be Hall of Famers are now thinking about topping that with the trinity of throwing for a TD, rushing for one and taking a TD pass.

TD for Nick Foles in SB 52

Home News
UK Flag

bullet Rees-Mogg, MP, in scrum with lefty scum at Bristol University, shock horror!

Hard Truth
reader comment“Why do government stooges keep insisting that they are 'working hard' on something? The reaction from people in the real world now on hearing that hard is always: 'you lying bastard' or something worse. But then, when were the inhabitants of the Westmonster Bubble ever been bothered by the derision of real people?”

Political reality
reader comment“If Theresa May is making a mess of Brexit, as Labour would have us believe (and the Tory Bremoaners), imagine what a catastrophe Corbyn and his Corbynasties would have achieved.”
reader comment“The next time the Tories rebrand themselves, it should be as the party of proper government. When Labour wrecks the economy, as happened under Wilson, Callaghan, Blair and Brown, it is always the Tories who are stuck with the job of repairing the damage. This is something that needs to be stressed, particularly when the alternative right now is either the wing of the Labour party consisting of-out-of-favour Blairies or the Corbynasties.”

What about your share of the blame?
Far Queue symbol HUTAgonian N. Clegg, sacked by the electorate at the last election, is blaming the unaccountable characters at the head of the EU, like Mr. Druncker, for alienating the people of Britain and causing Brexit. So nothing to do with him, then?

Far Queue symbol Does anyone care that Paxperson thinks pensioners shouldn't be allowed to vote? [Presumably, because they know enough to see right through people like him. Ed.]
Nope? Thought so.
reader comment“If pensioners are such awful people, why doesn't Paxperson (67) just do the world a favour and top himself?”

The road ahead
bullet The Commons committee on communities is advocating constructing camps of bungalows for the elderly, who are unable to tackle stairs. Overhead lighting will be eliminated as pensioners cannot be expected to change bulbs. Taps will also be banned as pensioners cannot handle washers. Gardens will be replaced by trays at waist level as senior citizens are constitutionally unable to get down to ground level.

Just in case the loonies get on my case . . .
bullet There is now a great way of getting out of charity work when it becomes a bit of a drag. All one has to do is admit some past behaviour which might possibly have been a bit appropriate and decide to quit to spare everyone possible embarrassment.


Really original research
bullet Experts at Boston University are claiming a world first for their study of woodpeckers. They have found that all the head-banging that they do gives the birds a brain condition which resembles dementia in humans. Which could explain why they have failed to take over the planet.

It's just fantasy
bullet The experts have spoken again — all this meditation and zen and mindfulness stuff is bunk. It doesn't create better people and it is just a way of relieving the gullible of surplus wealth.
[Something which has been known at least since the 1960s, when the Beatles got taken in by it. Ed.]

Good people are right
bullet The experts are on overtime! Another gang of them has found that good-looking and successful people are likely to be found on the Right of the political spectrum and in favour of self-reliance and personal property. Conversely, ugly buggers who are nasty, scrounging bastards tend to be Left-wingers.

Green & Mad
bullet There are some really stupid ideas being circulated by the people who are trying to turn plastic articles into a threat greater than President Vlad the Putin and Kim Jong-whoever combined.
   One of the worst is telling people to throw away plastic clothes pegs in favour of wooden pegs. Why? Plastic pegs last forever and they're no threat to the planet. And ditching them would just encourage some other gang of crazies to claim that wooden clothes pegs are killing the world and we need to replace them with some other fad material of the moment.

News vs Propaganda
bullet Immediate weather: News
bullet Long-term forecasts & climate theories: Propaganda
bullet History: Largely Propaganda
bullet Politics: Propaganda
bullet Economic Forecasts: Propaganda
bullet World Events (physical): News if it's earthquakes, volcanoes, etc. but Propaganda if a political agenda, e.g. global warming, is involved

Acceptable ignorance?
bullet 50% of Millennials think that Winston Churchill was Britain's prime minister during World War One (which was triggered by the assassination of JFK). Another 10% think Margaret Thatcher was PM back then. But so what? Ignorance of history doesn't make them unqualified to be a train driver, a brain surgeon or 'sales assistant required at till five, please'. It just makes them unqualified for the occasional job of voting at a local, national or any other sort of election.

Acceptable attendance?
bullet Students paying £9,300/year for university courses reckon they should get £1,300 compensation for lectures lost on 14 strike days held by academic staff. Which means that they attend lectures on only 100 days/year. Which means that their 'working year' is just 20 weeks and they get 32 weeks off.
   Crumbs! No wonder they fall for every single fake guru-of-the-day with that much free time on their hands.

world news

bullet According to a Bremoaner peer, the Russians funded the successful Brexit campaign. So let us take a small moment away from condemning President Vlad the Putin for being a despot, a grabber and a war-monger to offer him a (very small) vote of thanks.

bullet President Trump's first year in office has been a terrible disappointment to his enemies. Nothing terrible has happened and things in America are not too bad or getting a bit better.

bullet BTW: President Trump doesn't cheat on the golf course, he merely makes executive adjustments on the fly.

Defence Policy
bullet Sales of airguns, stun guns and similar minor weapons have rocketed beyond the capacity of the supply chain since Kanzler Mherkel took her decision to flood Germany with immigrants in an attempt to bolster her party's flagging vote and upset the Tories. [Something she learnt from Tony B. Liar? Ed.] The migrants have responded by increasing their crime rate by 52.7%.

The robots strike back
bullet The US stock market suffered a flash crash, which was repeated around the world, on the Monday after the Super Bowl when a spot of selling late in the day sent the computers which monitor stock prices into panic mode.
bullet Cheered by the success of their first trial run, the robots had another go at the US stock market later in the week and succeeded in dropping the Dow Jones index another 5%.

Zuma gets the Mugabe Card
bullet The permanent ruling party in South Africa has decided that President Zuma has filled his pockets enough. He has therefore been sacked to let some other ANC worthy take his place at the trough.

They're denying it; it must be true
bullet Oh, dear. The Kremlin is infected with the MeToo virus. Anyone who dares to mention that the Russians are into anti-social behaviour — like hacking, distributing computer viruses and trying to rig foreign elections — is accused of Russophobia in a cloud of outraged guilt.

J-lly saves the world
bullet Book your seats for the biggest party the world will ever experience on March 1st, 2019. Some actress is taking a year off work to fix democracy and her work will be competed by the end of this month next year. Wow!!
reader comment“That's good news for the Russians. If this actor woman is going to fix democracy, they can take a back seat. The only worry is whether she has enough money to fix enough politicians, given that there are so many of them with their hands out, and whether the bastards will stay bought.”

Another scam on the way?
bullet We don't have enough to worry about. This appears to be the conclusion of the experts who have decided to revisit the 'not really news' news that the Earth's magnetic field could flip quite soon, putting the north pole where the south pole currently resides.
   Other experts have been taking the opportunity to come up with all sorts of horror stories about what will happen to everything from power supplies to the weather, and calculate how many people will be killed by an inevitable natural phenomenon, which is now 500,000 to 600,000 years overdue for a repetition.
bullet No doubt cousins of the Warmist snake oil sellers will soon be claiming that they have a way to prevent the polar flip if the world stuffs enough cash into their pockets.
bullet Some spoilsports think that the increase in solar radiation sneaking through a weakened magnetic field during the millennium of the flip process will be low and combatted simply by wearing a big, floppy hat.

Coping in the big freeze
bullet Despite global warming, Moscow enjoyed record snowfall in the early part of the month. Roads were closed, flights cancelled and people were told to leave their cars at home and use public transport.
   The snow shoved off the city's streets was taken to snow resettlement centres on the edge of the city, which sounds rather sinister! [Probably for shipment to exile in Siberia. Ed.]

Winter means winter
bullet Despite global warming, the winter Olympic Games at Pyeongchang, South Korea, looks like being the coldest for over 20 years. British competitors who were due to compete during the first couple of days were advised to skip the 3-hour opening ceremony after nightfall in an open stadium to avoid becoming frozen solid and unable to participate.
bullet The main concern of the legion of military security staff was to ensure that no spectators embarrassed the organizers by freezing to death in their seats.
bullet Military security staff were required following an outbreak of norovirus among the original civilian crew.

bullet Despite global warming, the forecasters think that Britain is in for the coldest winter for 5 years and things will not improve, temperaturewise, until well into March.

Another bandwagon to jump on
bullet Air pollution causes crime; this is the conclusion of another gang of experts. And if they can get away with this one, how long will it be before man-made global warming is getting the blame, too? No doubt, the argument will be that if we can trigger a new Ice Age, everyone will be too busy trying to stay warm to go out burgling and joy-riding and all the other stuff which keeps the police, prison officers and court staff in a job.

Telling it like it isn't
bullet The Corbynasties are making much of a homeless man who died near the Houses of Parliament. What they don't seem to be asking is, "Why he was homeless in London instead of back in his native Portugal?"
   Something else that the Nasties are not mentioning is that the bloke had been enjoying the hospitality of a local charity for some time, which means that he wasn't exactly placeless. But hey! Why let the odd fact get in the way of a Corbynasty whinge?
   BTW: when did we agree to become the world's dustbin?
update Gulp! The saintly homeless person, who was almost adopted by J. Corbyn as a mega-apology from the British people to the world, has turned out to be a very bad guy indeed.
   He's an Angolan child molester with a Portuguese passport, who was deported from Britain but sneaked back. Twice. And when he croaked, he was back for a third helping from the British taxpayer. Which means that Mr. Corbyn's recommendation for a posthumous OBE is probably in a House of Commons dustbin by now.
   Natch, the Tory-bashing luvvies in that sector of the views meeja chose not to notice just how unsavoury this victim of The Cuts was. But it is the rule that inconvenient facts are never allowed to get in the way of a good luvvie rant.

Crime News

Society's reward
bullet A homeless man who stole from victims of the Manchester Arena bomber has been given a roof over his head for the next couple of years. C. Parker was awarded a 4-year gaol sentence for his sins, which included pretending to have aided survivors in the aftermath of the terrorist attack.
reader comment“How seriously did the court take Parker's thefts? Well, he'd have had to kill four people whilst speeding to get the same sentence.”

Freedom can be bought
bullet The men behind the 2015 Hatton Garden tunnelling diamond robbery have received an ultimatum from the legal system: cough up £27 million of your known ill-gotten gains or face another 7 years in gaol. Opting for the latter means that some are likely to die behind bars with no opportunity to enjoy better-hidden assets.
   Let us hope they do the decent thing and save the taxpayer the cost of all that further incarceration.

What passes for justice in cowboy country
bullet Trials collapse because the prosecution fails to disclose data, which confirms the innocence of the person on trial. But no one is to blame, especially not police officers who chose to sit on the evidence instead of doing the job they're paid to do. This is the official position of the police and the CPS.

It's not HIM, is it?
bullet A man called Osborne is on trial for driving a vehicle into people on the pavement outside the Finsbury Park mosque. But he claims that someone else was at the steering wheel. They were never formally introduced but the other man is claimed to have said, "Just call me Dave."
update Osborne convicted, Dave gets away with it.
Crime being the mirror of real life to some extent?

Unenforceable Madness
Far Queue symbol The chief constable of West Mercia police farce is having his sanity questioned for advocating strict observance of speed limits to within 1 mph, even though measuring equipment in cars and on speed cameras cannot supply the accuracy required.
   Alternatively, he's on a cut from the legal profession, which will make a bomb out of challenges to speeding fines, if he gets his way.
   Chief Con. Bangham claims he's thinking about road safety. But it is clear that he going for easy targets and using a head-bangerly approach as a distraction to shift attention away from the fact that his crime rate is up 5% and proper policing seems to be off his agenda.
update Bangham soon applied reverse gear and denied that he had said that motorists who go 1 mph over the speed limit should be jumped on. Which confirms that he was just trying to deflect attention from the crime rise in his fief.

Unfit For Purpose 1
bullet Greater Manchester Police, which is always going on about The Cuts, is wasting a fortune on issuing speeding tickets and then cancelling them through equipment and administrative bog-ups. GMP is the worst-performing police farce in England and Wales in this category.

Unfit For Purpose 2
bullet After years of Labour misrule in Scotland, the SNP promised something different and better. Sadly, they turned into 'the government' and all they had to offer was the same or worse. Amalgamating the 8 regional police forces into the hapless Police Scotland is typical of the SNP's disasters, according to coppers fed up with political interference.
   The political interference/stupidity includes insisting that the Grampian region had to have a motorway unit. There is now one consisting of 24 officers in an area which has no motorways.
   Police Scotland is now effectively a government department controlled by the SNP instead of regional boards with representatives of all parties. The move has cost Police Scotland its independence as well as respect and the trust of the people paying for it.
   Meanwhile, Labour in England and Wales is watching what the SNP is getting away with and hoping to get away with the same south of the border when its turn to be 'the government' comes around again.

Evil Is As Evil Does
bullet Long after the Metropolitan police farce, the BBC and the Labour party made a meal of Operation Midland, the police hunt for a Westminster paedophile and murder ring, the final wheel has come off. The inquiry's only source, the fantasist known as Nick, has been charged with paedophile offences. Months ago. And that information would not have come to light had the police not been bludgeoned in the courts.

When in doubt, go over the top
bullet The Florida FBI has a bit of a point over doing nothing when a disruptive kid claimed he was going to become a professional school shooter. After all, who's going to pay him to do something like that to give him professional status? Then the wheels come off.
   There's no excuse for not being able to track down the source of the video he put on the WWW. There's also no excuse for ignoring reports of a kid with firearms behaving like a nutter.
   But saying the head of the entire FBI should quit in shame sounds like a very silly over-reaction. And it offers no guarantees that anyone better will be appointed.

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Below the line mission statement: We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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