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Guest Editor for the month: Sumac Greegor
Motto of the month: Nem ígérek meg semmit, de azt betartom
Go like this and go wrong!
 Louie Samilton is finished, they all said, because he hasn't won a Grand Prix for six races. But the experts forgot about sheer dumb luck. In Azerbaijan, the guy out front, Bottas, got a puncture from a huge piece of debris, which the blind marshals failed to spot and the second place guy, Vettel, screwed up big time and didn't even end up on the podium. Which left Hamilton out front at the end of the race and now out front of the drivers' championship. So much for the experts.
 April finished with the BBC lunchtime news wallahs out in the street getting rained on Darn Sarf. Up North, however, the washing was out and drying nicely on a sunny and windy day. Just occasionally, the Universe does get it right.
Any old tosh
 The president of the Europeon Commission, J.-C. Druncker, will trample on the sensitivities of all victims of communism when he goes to Trier to join in the celebrations for the 200th anniversary of the birth of K. Marx, which will include the unveiling of an 18-foot statue from the Chinese communists.
Druncker's excuse is that whatever people's views on Marx are, nobody can deny that he is a figure that shaped history.
No doubt he'll be deploying the same excuse next time a Hitler anniversary comes up and there's a day out and free booze on offer.
Keyless=Carless
Buy a keyless car and you're issuing an open invitation to thieves. That's the message which the motor industry; especially BMW and the pollution cheats Volkswagen; has been trying to suppress for years.
Hacking kits are freely available on the internet and elsewhere, and motor manufacturers have made little effort to stay ahead of ingenious thieves. Which means that blowing 50 or 60 grand (or more) on a keyless posh motor is the first step on the road to a severe case of Empty Drive Syndrome.
And don't expect the police to be too bothered by your loss. You'll be lucky if they do more than advise you to keep the fob for your next car wrapped in kitchen foil in a microwave when you're not using it.
Zombie territory
Britain is suffering from a shortage of GPs but, amazingly, the Home Office tried to deport Dr. Ong, a trainee from Singapore, for being a bit late in filing a piece of paper. Presumably, the brain-dead bozos at the Home Office assumed that he didn't have any 'uman rights, not being from the EU, and no one would be bothered.
Wrong! The Home Office received a through bludgeoning from public opinion and the Daily Mail and the feckless Home Sec., A. Rudd, was obliged to start giving a feck for truth, decency and the British way of life.
Of course, no civil servants were sacked for being brain-dead bozos. It seems to be part of the job description.
The Europeon Parliament has been assured that following Brexit, citizens of the EU will continue to be treated the way they are being treated right now — as enemy aliens.
World-size Worship
 Someone actually likes President Trump, the man the world loves to hate to love to hate. President MacRon of France, the greaser, wishes it to be known that he is Trump's bestest pal in all the world, and certainly a much better pal than that May woman. In fact, he worships the very ground which Trump bestrides.
Cue a Snivelling Git of the Month award.
Why do they do it?
Mexico started holding local elections in September last year, and over 80 candidates and sitting politicians have been murdered since then. Most of the murders are unsolved but it's pretty clear that drug cartels are behind them.
The cash-strapped government has provided some security for candidates but anyone who doesn't have the approval of the drug cartels is facing a one-way trip to the cemetery by standing and ignoring the phone messages telling them to "Drop out. Or be killed."
Why do they bother?
 At about the middle of the month, labourers at a building site near the main railway station in Berlin found a one-ton wartime bomb, which was presented to the city by the RAF during World War Two. The immediate reaction of the authorities was to create all the disruption of closing down the surface and underground railways for a removal operation. But why?
If the bomb has been happily minding its own business for 70-odd years, why disturb it? Why not just build around it and let it go on rotting into extinction? If it was going to go off, it would have by now. Messing about with it makes no sense.
Terminological bog-up
 Has Nigel Farage, the heart and soul of UKIP, 'admitted' that his children have German passports? Of course, he hasn't. He has mentioned that they have dual nationality because they have a German mother but there has certainly not been an admission with an implication that Mr. Farage is guilty of something dodgy.
Fair deal
The EU wants to charge visitors from Britain £6 for a visa post-Brexit. If we let them, it would be only fair to charge people from the 27 EU countries 27 times as much to come here. That's £162/head for a visa for ordinary citizens. In the case of proven enemy aliens, such as all members of the EU's leadership and burrocracy, the fair price for enjoying Britain would have to be £1,620.
Die! Die!
Anyone who touches the handle of a supermarket shopping trolley will die from some horrible superbug, is the message the 'experts' at the BBC are offering the nation.
Unfortunately, the number of surplus members of the population wiped out by supermarket trolley bugs remains stubbornly at zero.
 [Just a thought, but maybe they can come up with a superbug to tackle the illegal migrant problem. If not kill them, give them bright orange spots so they can be rounded up and evicted. Ed.]
I wanna hold yer hand!
President Trump and President McRon had talks at the White Horse this month. They decided that a meeting on neutral ground @ a pub in Milton Keynes would let both leaders relax away from the usual suspects and let them talk more freely about really pressing issues. Like how long their hand-holding sessions should last.
Small typo: that should have been "White House". Followed by a small imagination explosion. Ed.
The wheels came off the old pals act a bit when McRon started to have a go at Trump for not wanting to meddle in the affairs of every other country on the planet, but that's the French for you.
Try as he might, McRon failed to get President Trump drunk enough to agree to rejoin the Paris episode of the not-so-great global warming swindle.
The useless in search of even more useless things to do
What is it that MPs do all day? Some of them grill characters from the Met Office, hoping to get a precise definition of a heatwave. The dictionary says it's a hot spell and nothing more. But some MPs want it defined to the second so that they can create a nanny state panic button, which can be pressed to release vast amounts of taxpayers' cash.
To do what? the taxpayer is entitled to ask. Send nannies round to harass older people and pretend to be able to change the climate to prevent heatwaves.
How inconvenient it was for the nanny-mongers when another MP got the Met Office guy to reveal that cold winters kill around 40,000 codgers but a hot summer writes off just a couple of thousand of them. Which means that the miserable bastard global warming swindlers are trying to kill at least 38,000 old codgers per year.
Have they no moral standards? Or is it just that the global warming shroud-wavers have shares in firms of undertakers as well as firms which make shrouds?
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New times, new ways
 This is how the police service treats an officer with stress brought on by being accused of misconduct.
In the case of Sergeant Carr [right], the pineapple therapy was a big success and she is now back on duty, doing whatever coppers in Lincolnshire do between 9 and 5.
The Old Ways Are Best!
The boss of the Metropolitan police farce has decided to use Al Capone tactics to sort out the gang-bangers in London, who are killing one another off at a furious rate. A special police squad has been detailed to look for suitable garages, in which gang-bangers associated with the drugs trade can be taken to star in a re-enactment of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.
The wrong place to stand up for yourself
A bloke aged 78 is attacked in his home by two armed burglars in their 30s. One is stabbed and croaks, his mate runs away and abandons him. In America, the householder would be a hero for doing a public service; especially if he'd shot the scumbag.
Here, some jobsworth copper tries to get the householder shoved in gaol for murder. No wonder the people who pay the wages of the nation's police farces, and everyone else in the 'justice' system, think that most of them are a waste of space.
The dead burglar was a member of a family of criminals and on the Most Wanted list of the Kent police. Maybe they (the police) will start the petition for giving Mr. Osborn-Brooks a medal for his service to the community. Or maybe institutional PCness will get in the way.
How long does it take an idiot to get the message? Two days, in the case of the Metropolitan police farce, which was obliged to release Mr. Osborn-Brooks without charge.
After extended negotiations with community leaders of the traveller community, Kent police were allowed to arrest the alleged accomplice of the dead burglar, H. Vincent, around a fortnight after he went on the run.
Some you win . . .
The Russians have sent a crime scene clean-up crew to the scene of this month's attack using chemical weapons by their Syrian client Assad. The crew is not expected to have the degree of difficulty experienced by the team which was sent to clean up Putin's crime scene in Salisbury. That crew was forced to retreat in disgrace because the police and government specialists were able to gather evidence before the Russians could hide it.
7 weeks after the Salisbury poisoning, the police and Intelligence services revealed that they had identified suspects, who were by then safely back in Putinstan. It is expected that their guilt will be confirmed, as with the perpetrators of the poisoning of A. Litvinenko in 2006, when the suspects receive sinecure jobs as MPs, as has become customary.
Time to give up?
 Own a clock or watch with hands? It's going to be a collector's item or a fashion accessory before long. And Big Ben's clock mechanism is getting its last refurbishment, which could well turn out to be just another waste of taxpayers' money.
Now that schools have stopped teaching kids to tell the time using a clock with hands, and most parents don't make any effort these days, the inhabitants of No. 10 Downing Street need to brace themselves for being deluged with an on-line petition demanding that the Elizabeth Tower's displays go digital, if only for the benefit of equally ignorant tourists.
Big boob @ Cantab
Good news for moderate drinkers: this month's shock-horror from Cambridge U. got it badly wrong. Drinking more than 5 glasses of wine per week won't knock years off your life and drinking isn't as harmful as smoking.
On the contrary, four decades of research have found that moderate drinkers are much healthier than non-drinkers. It would seem that the only people who are trying to pretend that the opposite is true are Prohibitionists; i.e. the friends of Al Capone and his ilk.
What constitutes moderate drinking? 32 gms/day for men and 24 for women. That's one-third of a bottle of wine and one-quarter respectively.
 The boss rabbi in Israel is trying to pick a fight with Jews in Italy, who have been enjoying deep-fried whole artichokes for over 600 years. [Probably after being introduced to them in a Scottish chippie. Ed.] The rabbi is trying to ban the dish on the grounds that it is impossible to wash all the worms out of the heart of the artichoke, and the potential added protein content makes it unkosher.
Italian Jews are refusing to go along with this story and point out that no one has ever croaked from eating a deep-fried artichoke. So it looks like the control freak is being invited to take a running jump.
60% of Britons are supposed to eat the same food every day, the experts assure us. You have to feel sorry for the ones who have to put up with hot cross bun porridge every single day.
Vegans assure us that their 'calling' isn't a fad, which seeks to deny the outcome of the thrust of human evolution. How strange, then, that lots of them are faux meat consumers, scoffing tons of vegan steaks, burgers and 'bacon'. Faddy is as faddy does, mates.
Bye-ee!
The National Trust has come up with an interesting way to purge its membership list of some of the idiots. It has created a £6 tea-towel with suffragette slogans to commemorate 100 years of the Representation of the People Act, which gave the vote to property-owning females.
Predictably, insufferable idiots blew a fuse and they are threatening not to renew their membership. If the purge proves to have a positive effect on the membership, sensible elements in that membership are hoping to find a similar way to cull the idiots in the leadership.
Does anyone care that the German manager of Liverpool FC doesn't think Brexit is a good idea? Thought not.
 “A call comes in from 01233 441281. 01233 is the area code for Ashford in Kent. Some comedian with a peculiar accent asks if I've been getting a lot of nuisance phone calls. 'Like this one?' I ask him. He tries to tell me he can ensure I will never get nuisance calls ever again. I decline to believe him.”
 President MacRon has revealed that he feels a bond with President Trump because they are both mavericks in the sense that neither is a part of a classical political system, and that is why they get on so well together to the point of being best friends forever.
Mood madness
J. Corbyn has started a campaign to force the resignation of the Home Sec. who declared that Britain should be a hostile environment for illegal migrants.
He has worked himself into so much of a frenzy that no one has dared to point out that it was a Labour Home Sec., A. Johnson, who said it, and he quit as an MP before the 2016 general election.
Also in 2016, Mr. Johnson said about Corbyn: "He is totally incompetent and incapable of being the leader of a political party and he knows it". So not a lot of love flying around between them.
President Putin has denied funding the campaign being waged by Bremoaners to damage the UK by keeping the country in a customs union with the EU post Brexit. He claims that his revenge will be much more terrible, and that people will start calling him Ivan after its nature becomes clear.
A facsimile of justice?
Serbian war criminal R. Karadizic, 72, has launched an appeal against his 40 year sentence for the mass murder of 8,000 Bosnians. Maybe the court should allow the appeal, say the sentence is wrong and increase it to 41 years without the possibility of parole.
Representatives of his victims say that the war crimes tribunal botched the job and Karadizic should have been charged with 7 more massacres. And that his sentence should be increased to life. But is he likely to live beyond the age of 110, when his current sentence runs out?
A significant cloud still hangs over the current Archbish of Cantab, J. Welby, over his unrepentant attitude to a failed smear campaign, which was waged at his instigation.
Anyone planning to travel around France by train during the summer is advised to think again. The rail unions have worked themselves into a real frenzy over the current president's plans to bring them to heel, and they're threatening to have the hump and indulge in industrial inaction at least until the autumn. Air travel is also going to be dicey as the unions are after more money again.
Not trying at all hard
Okay, we're in the 21st Century and America is supposed to be the land of invention as well as the land of the free. Which makes it all the more surprising that American TV companies don't yet have a system to prevent rain drops from sticking to trackside cameras and the ones carried by IndyCars and their drivers. Not that a clearer view would have made the race at Birmingham, Alabama, any more of a spectacle on the penultimate Sunday of the month. But it would be nice if they could be seen to be making the effort to innovate.
The Argentinians are animals, Sir Alf Ramsey famously said. The antics at this month's MotoGP race there proves that they are now idiots, who feel entitled to ignore the rules and make up new ones on the spot. But will the Australian embassy have the guts to lodge a formal protest against the disgraceful treatment received by their rider Jack Miller? No breath being held here.
Probably not thought through fully
The latest Corbyn shot in the vote-winning game is to divert £1.4 BILLION [advertised, £13 BILLION when the full cost are exposed, Ed.] from filling potholes in Britain's roads to giving under-25s free bus travel.
Let us hope he has set aside more cash to pay compensation to snoflakes who put in a claim for a whiplash injury when their bus crashes through a particularly deep pothole.
Not twice shy
The scam in reminiscent of the pre-last-election offer to pay off student debt, which was abandoned when Labour realized just how unaffordable it would be. But when it comes to throwing other people's money down a drain, Labour has never been backward about coming forward.
Beware the Internet Idiot
Highland Wildlife Park needs to think very carefully about the T&C of its on-line poll to find a name for the polar bear cub born there just before last Xmas. They need to be able to bin Beary McBearface without ceremony!
Did you think the late Barbara Bush, wife of President George Bush Sr., was a decent human being? Doesn't matter. There's always some slimeball who'll try to get personal publicity by sleazing even the most decent of human beings. Especially in California. Meanwhile, the administrators of Fresno City College are in a panic as its donors withdraw their support as an expression of their "not in my name" disapproval.
President Trump did the decent thing and ordered that flags be flown at half mast. And not just to annoy the sleaze merchants, we might add.
On Easter Monday, rain blowing up from the south was supposed to collide with lots of cold air blasting down from Scandinavia, drowning our region in snow.
In spite of all that, No sno 'ere, mate!
 Is anything going to make a cat laugh?
The Romiley Psychology Centre has been investigating a series of animal-related popular sayings in recent months. The team has had no luck at all in the matter of obtaining confirmation of the saying above.
The usual response from one of the young volunteers [Ik!, left], who might be more likely to have a sense of humour than an older cat, is typical. The research team has dubbed her habitual expression on hearing the funniest (to humans) joke as: “Is that really supposed to be funny? Why are you lot wasting my time?”
But the team is not downhearted, and the project will continue for as long as the EU-funded grant money keeps flowing.
Climate report
There's lots of apple blossom around [below, left] as we head for the last week of the month on the crest of a mini-heat wave. But don't cast any clouts just yet as it's not going to last and may (the hawthorn) [below, right] is hanging back for bets.
The king of Swaziland has embraced the cyber revolution by renaming his country eSwatini. He's hoping for an on-line, switched-on image with an Italian flavour. Not that many of his subjects will be able to appreciate the change. Their king lives in luxury but the unwashed peasants have to bump along with poverty and illiteracy.
Don't take them seriously
Back, back, back in 2000, the governing party in Quebec passed a Bill which was touted as a bill of rights for Quebecers. It stated that the people of Quebec alone would have the right to decide how to choose the province’s political regime and legal status.
The leader of the party standing up for the rights of English-speakers against the rabid francophiles in Quebec went to court over the bill in 2001. 17 years later, the Quebec Superior Court has decided not to declare the bill unconstitutional. It also ruled that the leader of the now defunct Equality Party was guilty of taking the bill too seriously!
As the bill makes no direct mention of secession, it cannot be interpreted by separatists as a licence to quit the Canadian federation, no matter how much they want it to. Worse, for the separatists, Quebec remains subject to the Canadian constitution, which doesn't allow a province to secede unilaterally.
Seventeen years for that! But then, it was seventeen years with a snout in the public trough for the characters involved.
Nice one, Mr. Scriptrotter!
J. Corbyn's scriptwriter must really have it in for the old goat. He let the boss stand up on his hind legs in the Commons and accuse the PM of having the Windrush landing cards shredded in 2010, when she was Home. Sec.
Conk! Pow! the PM biffs him on the beezer with the revelation that the cards were shredded in 2009 when Labour was in office. Oh, dear, wheels off.
Self-inflicted wound
The armed forces are 8,200 bodies short of the prescribed strength. Which is rather a surprise. Given the way the troops are treated by politicians and the wankers who get red tabs on their collars, not to mention the ambulance-chasers after a fast quid from the taxpayer with the encouragement of the said politicians, it's a wonder there's anyone left below the rank of brigadier or its equivalent.
Not wanted on voyage
Check up on the pedigree of the students agitating in London against the Prevent programme and in support of Islamic terrorism, and a great many of them turn out to be foreigners or from alien cultures. Maybe we should just withdraw their university memberships and suggest that they might feel more at home studying somewhere else. Like . . . Syria? Iran? North Korea? And do it in a very polite, British way, of course.
The bleedin' obvious will out
Oh, dear. The experts have crunched the numbers and found that chopping down hardwood forests in the United States and shipping the bits here to burn in power stations generates more carbon dioxide than burning coal.
It should have been obvious even to the dimmest politician that this would be so, but they have knees to jerk. And even though the experts have confirmed the obvious, the jerks will continue along their merry way.
Global warming swindlers tell us that burning trees doesn't count as all the carbon dioxide is taken out of the atmosphere by growing new trees. What they don't mention is that the carbon dioxide released in a few minutes of combustion takes decades to be turned back into trees. But hey! Who cares about a few lies and gaps in the truth in a good cause, like pretending to save the planet and filling your pockets with other people's cash?
New Weather Type
The second Tuesday of the month saw parts of Britain afflicted with a type of weather which had not been described before: Liquid Wind. That's a cold wind (east, in this case) which is strong enough to make your eyes water and your nose run simultaneously.
Ofgem has gummed the BBC for failing to challenge Lord Lawson when he offered accurate information on the state of climate change on a BBC programme. The BBC was ticked off for failing to have a global warming swindler on hand to push the shroud-waving Establishment line.
Mood swings
Justice depends on the time of day, as far as what judges dish out goes. A study of sentencing patterns has found that criminals might get away with it when the judge clocks on but as lunch approaches, mercy evaporates. But it returns once the judge has been refuelled with a good bit of scoff.
Value for money?
What do you get if you're Russian and you donate £240,000 to Edinburgh University? Two professors claiming that this month's poison gas attack in Douma, Syria, never happened and that all of the previous 'poison' attacks by the Assad regime (with help from the Putinocracy) were video fakes perpetrated by White Helmet civilian volunteers to embarrass the Russians.
Honest, truthful, impartial, not
“The man he sacked from the job of FBI director for incompetence sez that Donald Trump shouldn't be the president of the United States. Well, thanks very much for your incompetent opinion, Mr. Comey, and good luck with flogging your incompetent book.”
Threat & counter-threat
The Russians wheeled a retired general out to announce that they could attack the RAF base on Cyprus. Britain retaliated by wheeling out a former Clerk of the Works at the GLC to announce that we could turn all Moscow's traffic lights green with a cyber-attack.
The Labour party's auxiliary mouthpiece, D. Abbott, has announced that the Corbyn version would support military intervention during World War Two. All she needs now is the time machine to put her money where her mouth is.
[From what we've seen of the Corbyn version, they'd be on the German side. Ed.]
Paired Phantasies
“Fair's fair. If we're going to believe one of Putin the Poisoner's lies, then he has to believe one of ours. So if it's 'Britain sent a theatre company to Douma in Syria to stage a poison gas attack' then that's paired with 'Putin is Hitler's illegitimate grandson'. Believe both or neither.”
No morality in wartime
President Putin is using Russian troops as human shields to protect poison gas factories in Syria. If his rate of deployment continues at the current level, he will soon have more troops stationed in occupied territories abroad than at home, which will have a significant detrimental effect on the faltering Russian economy.
We don't care . . .
The French government is taking an entirely pragmatic view of the Russian-sponsored chemical attack on the Syrian town of Douma. Yes, it did take place. Yes, the Syrian government perpetrated it with Russian help. Yes, it took place in an area of the Middle East which used to be under French domination. But the Syrians rejected the French guiding hand, so sod them.
Beeb upsets luvvies
The BBC is under fire from the looney lefty luvvie lobby for announcing a broadcast of an actor reading Enoch Powell's 'rivers of blood' speech with annotations.
The luvvies are upset mainly because the broadcast will confirm that the speech does not mention rivers of blood, thus demolishing one of their pillars of the looney left fake news library.
“Mr. Powell's problem was that he was a Classically educated man, whose words were mangled for the masses by idiots.”
+ + + Sir Cliff Richard sues BBC, breaks down in court + + + RAC to the rescue + + +
Justified Homicide by Right of Might
The Russian ambassodor to the UN has admitted that major nuclear powers like Russia do not indulge in minor acts of international hooliganism, only major ones. Hence the Putin regime's assumption of a right to indulge in attacks using weapons banned internationally for 100 years.
Moral Inferiority
The Turkish government is bombing inconvenient Kurds using laser guidance systems paid for by the Scottish taxpayer and designed and built in Edinburgh by an Italian firm. Which exposes Wee Burney Sturgeon's snippiness about the PM's decision to blast bits of Syria a bit as routine political cant. Not that anyone expects anything else from the Sturgeon General.
Regional instability
Kim Jong-whoever announced an end to North Korea's nuclear testing because he wanted the world to assume that his boffins had done enough of it be able to build him as many nuclear weapons as the Chinese will let him have. The truth is a bit more dramatic.
The North Koreans have been doing their testing in a mountainous region of questionable geological stability. They have caused several earthquakes and the partial collapse of one of the mountains, and they're now worried about what the Chinese will do if radiation starts to leak out of the underground test site.
“Grab another beer, not a stranger’s butt” is the slogan a buncha weirdos in Vancouver is pushing in an attempt to curb sexual assaults. Presumably, they're hoping that the drinker will fall down drunk and incapable before the alcohol frees him/her from inhibitions. Our medical expert says they're whistling in the wind!
Normal: a word with no meaning
It's amazing what can pass for normal in the mucky world of politics. Right now, normal is Putin the Poisoner knowing that if he parks his tanks on Britain's lawn, then Corbyn the Collaborator will dip a hand into the British taxpayer's pocket to buy the crews cups of tea and sausage rolls.
An online survey has found that Vlad the Poisoner Putin is the most popular man on the planet. The organizers have called in FBI experts to follow up evidence of cheating by Russian hackers.
Our own dear Queen was placed 4th in the popular females category behind Mrs. Putin and her twin daughters Alexa and Krasnaya.
Wrong Bed = Dead!
Oh, brilliant. Anyone who stays up late at night and gets up late in the morning is 10% more likely to die early, according to this week's experts. There's something to give everyone's late start to the day a cheery push.
Not having one's biological clock in synch with the external environment and eating at the 'wrong' time create psychological stresses, which do in the weaker night owls. According to the 'experts', that is.
This week's other experts have even more cheery news for us. Drinking 10 glasses of wine per week cuts life expectancy by two years. [That's two bottles of wine/week. Ed.] But who cares? When it comes to life, what matters is quality, not sheer quantity. Better to enjoy your couple of bottles of wine every week than trade them for two years at the mercy of the care-of-the-elderly industry.
The more, the worse
In the Good Old Days, all we had to put up with was routine and predictable party political propaganda: platitudes from people who usually had a dodgy agenda to push and who were trying to be all things to all men.
In the Internet Age, we have something infinitely worse: twatitudes. That's wibble from worthless people and fake news from the Russians.
No one a generation back could have predicted how bad things would get in the present age of mass communications. And what it will be like for the poor sods a generation hence doesn't bear thinking about!
Their only hope is to learn how to abandon sending pointless text messages and wasting time on anti-social meeja sites, and how to get on with their own lives without constantly seeking the approval of complete strangers, who are probably completely strange and unworthy of their attention anyway.
Birds in a city get into a punch-up more quickly than their counterparts in the country, is another conclusion from this week's experts. [Probably because of all the drinks blokes buy them in pubs 'n' clubs. Ed.]
The finding comes out of a study of great tits. [No comment. Ed.]
Self-obsession
The world will grind to a full stop when the current generation of teenagers takes over, this week's experts have decided. They'll be too busy taking photographs of themselves, and practising their selfie face in a handy mirror, to have time to keep things ticking over.
We're here and we ain't going away!
The EU's nightmare in Hungary blossomed into a third term for the sitting P.M., V. Orban. He is fiercely pro-Hungary and fiercely against anything that dilutes its national character, like an enforced influx of Moslems, harmonization, etc. Orban's agenda is to stand up for his country's rights, aided by a small bloc of other awkward Eastern Europeans, and make the EU about what the members want rather than the desires of burrocrats in Brussels and Berlin.
Hungary has the lowest proportion of incomers in the EU. Having a language which is totally unlike any other in the region probably helps.
Get yer wallets out!
The International Olympics Committee has announced a list of seven countries which would like to host the 2026 Games. It was eight, but Norway has pulled out, leaving Austria, Canada, Italy, Japan, Sweden, Switzerland and Turkey. The IOC says that the next step will be a dialogue stage. Translation: the usual suspects with their hands out, soliciting bribes.
Calgary, the Albertan home of the usually all-conquering Stampeders CFL team, is positioning itself as the best candidate. But in view of the likely price tag, the Canadian Taxpayers Federation thinks that the responsible thing to do would be to let the locals have a referendum to decide if they want the Games.
Also in Alberta, the unfortunate citizens of Edmonton, home of the Eskimos CFL team, are facing up to the coldest start to April for 16 years. April in 2016 and 2017 began with average temperature highs around 12-15 deg.C. This year, it is expected to be 20 deg.C colder! Time to turn up the central heating in the igloo and pray for global warming.
Employment opportunities
The Russian Fake News Bureau would like us to believe that the Skripals were poisoned by British Double-O agents to distract the nation from the government's inability to deliver on the promises made about Brexit.
The RFNB will pay $20,000 to anyone willing to stage a rent-a-mob demo in support of any of their myths.
“Come ON, Ivan! Your lies are SO pathetic. At least Dr. Goebbels made a bit of an effort.”
Diplomacy — don't your just love it!
“Here's an interesting scenario: 007 burgles Putin the Poisoner's dacha and puts Novichok stolen from a Russian weapons lab in Putin's underpants. By the Russians' own logic, MI6 can't be held responsible for the attack because the Novichok wasn't made in Britain.”
The best comment on Russia's demand to be let in on the Skripal poisoning investigation has to be: It would be like giving an arsonist a free run among the evidence gathered from one of his fires.
The next best is: It would be like letting Al Capone approve his own tax return.
Quite counterproductive, really
The Russians accuse Israel of a missile attack on a Syrian military base and invite the rest of the world to join in the condemnation. But the logic of the situation, based on what we know about the Russians, is that they did it to whip up sympathy for their useful Syrian idiot, Assad.
Hoist with their own contraption.
Prince Chuck has bad hair day in Oz
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More Loveable Diplomacy
The Serbs have been accused of taking the Mickey out of Soviet era hero Yuri Gagarin, the first man to survive a trip into space, with a comical tribute [above, right]. The decision to adorn Gagarin Street in Belgrade with a ridiculously small head stuck on top of a tall plinth has been greeted with universal disbelief.
One of the best explanations for the weird erection is that it's an anti-theft measure — no one in his right mind would steal something like this! Another suggestion is that it is a piece of conceptual art and the rest of the bits of a complete statue are distributed around the city.
As long as everyone keeps laughing, the Serbs will be okay. But if Putin the Poisoner gets the hump, watch out!
From obscurity back to it
Some guy we've never heard off is to stand down as First Meenister of Wales in the autumn. Okay. 'Bye. He obviously lacked Wee Burney Sturgeon's publicity-seeking gene.
The French president, M. MacRon, has the hump. He was scheming to have the Legion d'honneur awarded to President Assad of Syria ceremonially stripped for being an international disgrace but Assad has foiled him by sending it back unprompted. Along with a rude note calling MacRon a slave of America. The rotter!
Diabolicality Deficit
The Russian government has botched an attempt to kill one of the members of the team of Russian scientists who invented the nerve agent Novichok, which was used in the Salisbury poisoning. Experts are now wondering if the Russians are putting on a show of incompetence in an attempt to lull the West into a sense of false security.
Enemy Action
The EU has joined the Russians in the catalogue of external powers seeking to meddle in British elections. The burrocrats in Brussels are waging a propaganda campaign — using British taxpayers' EU contributions — aimed at the May local elections here with the intent of helping Labour and the Liberals to wreck Brexit.
Where do the police find idiots like this?
A Wally of the Week award has to go to the chief constabule of Derbyshire, who has pulled the plug on the Derbyshire Constabulary Male Voice Choir because it has a membership which is 'almost entirely male'.
[Query: That's that 'almost' about? Ed.]
Apparently, the choir has a (non-singing) lady pianist and your idiot Chief Con. doesn't think she makes a spectacular enough contribution to his diversity agenda. He rejoices in the name of Peter Goodperson, having been diversely Harpersonalized.
Rumour has it that the Chief Con. is blaming his failure to obtain a brain that works from the NHS on 'The Cuts'.
Something else we have to worry about . . .
. . .is light pollution. Street lights, screens on electronic gadgets of all types, LED light bulbs forced on us by global warming swindlers — they all contribute to making us fat and giving us diabetes and cancer.
One step forward, ten back.
It's a bit late to think of that, mate
“Is there any more nauseating sight than a cheating Aussie blubbing on camera because he got caught?” we were asked last month. How about two terrorists whining about not getting a fair trial because they've been stripped of his British citizenship for being . . . scumbag terrorists? Natch, the concept of a fair trial never crossed their minds when they were murdering people as part of an Islamic death squad.
“How do you make an Aussie cricketer's eyes water? Put sandpaper in his underpants.”
Zombie culture to the rescue
Oh, dear. The list of 'top academics' who wrote to theGrauniad to support Jezzer Corbyn's support for his anti-Semmitic pals has been weighed and found wanting.
A lot of the alleged top people have been exposed as running the sort of Mickey Mouse degree courses associated with the junk degrees (zombies, Star Wars, etc., etc.), which leave students with a big pile of debt and a piece of paper worth not very much. And some of them are not even academics.
Surprise! Islington council has refused planning permission to the area's most notorious citizen, despite having 98% Labour members. All Corby wanted to do was add a yard to his 1960s terraced house. Too radical, said the planning committee, who will be up against a wall, come the revolution. In the meantime, no doubt there will be a few bricks flying through windows when Mental Mo avenges the slight to the people's hero.
Wibble, Wibble, you're in a mess . . .
The Labour party spent the first week of the month claiming that the fact that Home Sec. B. Johnson had over-egged the pudding a bit proved that Putin the Poisoner is innocent of the terrorist attack on one of his enemies (and the enemy's Russian niece) in Salisbury.
Yes, the experts at Porton Down were careful to say that they didn't find a 'Made in the USSR' label on the poison administered to the Skripals, but they are experts. Which means that they know that the stuff was invented in Russia, that the Russians have stockpiles of Novichok and they're making new nasties, and that the person who was the main target of the attack—Surprise!—is one of Putin the Poisoner's enemies.
Which means that only useless idiots in the Labour party are claiming that Putin is innocent and the attack on the Skripals is somehow connected with The Cuts.
Scottish teachers are reporting that it is routine for them to give poverty-stricken children food and clothes. Which leaves the rest of us wondering why they never have a word to say about the rotten sods who have children they can't afford to feed and clothe? The odd neglected child can be put down to misfortune on the parents, but that cannot be said if there are gangs of them.
Ordeal By BBC Arrogance
Ofcom is expected to have nothing to say about the BBC's decision to sex up an Agatha Christie novel with foul language and gestures. The make-over even extends to changing the identity of the bad guy in Ordeal By Innocence.
Zombie culture to the rescue, part II
Parents are reported to have become distressed on finding themselves unable to tackle exam questions put to 11-year-old kids. Anyone who went to school prepared to learn and who received competent teaching should know how to find the answers to mathematical problems at this level and tackle grammar issues. Provided that person has used and practised the necessary skills.
Anyone who switched their brain off when they left school, especially if they were released from the clutches of the Luvvie Education Blob, will be stumped. It's not rocket science to know that skills which are not practised go away. The only sad part of the whole affair is that we live in a society which encourages lots of adults to become zombies, who can't pass on what they learnt to their children.
Yuliya Skripal, who was poisoned with her father by Russian terrorists, has recovered enough to leave hospital. She has opted for the wise precaution of not telling the Russians where she is beginning her convalescence; which is expected to be a very long process. Her father still has a long way to go in hospital.
Something of a row has broken out over loneliness in Britain. The elderly have been put forward as those most likely to experience it recently, but there is now a growing lobby suggesting that the young are most likely to suffer from 'always on' loneliness, and that adults get used to it and learn to deal with it. As ever, we're in a competition between people who want taxpayers' cash thrown at their particular solution.
If the official part of the Labour party, i.e. the Corbynites, is on the side of the Assad regime in Syria as part of the leader's support for Russia, it comes as no surprise that the Church of England is also in Assad's corner. The enemy of my country is my friend, and all that.
Where do all the idiots go?
The civil service seems to be their destination of choice. Where do the worst ones go? The Home Office. The Windrush Hoo-Haa confirms that the idiots there don't know the difference between legal and invited (Windrush) migrants and the illegal economic migrants and draft-dodgers who sneak in to the country.
Why has Labour put D. Abbott up against Home Sec. A. Rudd? Probably in the interests of fairness; one careless idiot versus another. And why is the BBC referring to Rudd as the 'emBasiled' Home Sec.? Probably because she's been turning in a very Fawlty performance in recent weeks.
[Someone had a brainstorm? Ed.]
40 years gone, still listened to, still unsurpassed
The Aussies are hoping that taking their turn to host the Commonwealth Games will make everyone forget about their cheating cricketers. How long will it be before Russia sticks in an application to join the Commonwealth, hoping for the same deal?
  Who will win?
First, we had Comical Ali, Saddam Hussein's minister of information back in 2003, who became famous for telling ludicrous lies, and was executed in 2010 for his services to the truth.
Now, his place in the Guinness Book of Records is being challenged by Comical Ivan, Russia's ambassodor to Britain. He's got a long way to go but he shows no signs of running out of BS.
Radical solution
In the good old days, our policemen were wonderful and we had politicians and a military capable of winning a world war. Look at us now. The cops are idiots, so is the government and the opposition, and the idiots in charge of the army couldn't win a game of tag.
What's the problem? London.
Every decision made there is idiotic and so are the civil servants who live there. What's the solution? Get our pal Kim Jong-whoever to nuke London and let us start again with people who haven't been contaminated by the current London-centric idiocracy. And let us have a screening test to make sure that any idiots who get through it are useful ones rather than useless lumps.
That's one way of doing it
The British Army is going to celebrate diversity, by order. Which means that it will cease to be an effective fighting force. [If it still is on Ed.] Which, in turn, means that it won't matter what 'The Cuts' do to it.
Corbyn, Putin and everyone else who wants to see Britain disarmed will be delighted. In fact, the only people who will be unhappy will be ambulance-chasing lawyers with bogus 'uman rights cases. And those people in British territory which the Navy and the Air Force are able to protect until they, too, wither away.
A hot contender for the prestigious Idiot of the Year Award is now General Carter, N., who is the one who wished all this diversity on the British Army. His grandfather must be spinning in his grave
Some you don't want to win . . .
The greatest concentration of idiots on the public payroll has to be located in south-east London, where the police 'serving' Hither Green are insisting that the public should mourn the 'tragic' death of a burglar, who expired after assaulting a couple in their 70s at night after breaking into their home.
The local fire brigade has installed smoke alarms in the empty home of the victims of the burglary and the windows have been barricaded in anticipation of an attempt to burn the place down.
The Deputy Commissioner of Police of the Metropolis, C. Mackey, would rather salute one dead burglar than a thousand honest men. He is currently in deep mourning for a regular customer, whose services were lost tragically in Hither Green.
Maybe he'd be more at home in India, where even members of the governing party see nothing wrong with young girls being gang-raped and murdered on buses in the capital.
You'd have to be J. Corbyn to buy this!
Putin the poisoner is claiming that any of twenty other countries could have made the weapons-grade Novichok nerve agent used in the Salisbury attack on one of his enemies. The implication being that if some other country made it, he's somehow innocent of ordering the murder of S. Skripal and the collateral damage to his daughter.
The Russians keep saying they want to be helpful, and if they're really serious about it, all they have to do is let a UN forensic accounting team examine the Russian government's bank statements to determine where they bought the poison used by the Kremlin's assassins.
Poverty is an annual income below £16,300/year, according to the official definition. Which is total bollocks and double the amount a single adult needs for a comfortable life in a self-owned property.
What do you get if you let a Spanish firm buy a British bank?
The TSB shambles.
No, it's not a very funny joke.
Reality Bites
The BBC's finances are in peril. Nature series are being reviewed following complaints and all episodes containing faked material will be culled. The residue after the clean-up is expected to be quite small and to generate a much reduced income from out-sales.
Not our fault
It would appear that the problems the Russians are having with Britain are all down to sheer jealousy. In our history, we have characters like Richard the Lionheart and Braveheart. All they have is some guy called Ivan, who was terrible, and some guy called Putin, who's a poisoner. No contest.
“What about that guy called Peter, who was great?”
“He was educated in England and civilized here. He doesn't count as he's more one of ours than one of theirs.”
[Note: If he'd been educated in Scotland, he'd have been extremely very great. But he wasn't, which is history's loss. Ed.]
Sticks & stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me. Unless the me is a snoflake gang-banger in London, where the odd mocking message on anti-social meeja is taken as a licence to kill.
The big problem is that the gang kids aren't just wiping one another out. Anyone else in sight is fair game. Former Home Sec. D. Blunkett (dismissed for abuse of office) is blaming his failure to introduce a New York style zero-tolerance policy to crime on the waxworks at the top of the Metropolitan police farce, who were desperate to ban stop & search to buy credibility from the 'black community'. So now we know.
The Living Isn't Easy But It Suits Me Well
When you get to be an old bloke, changing ways which have served you well for decades stops looking like a good idea. Which explains OAP Corbyn. He has spent his life and political career cosying up to terrorist killers, enemies of Britain and other nasty bastards.
Okay, some of his pals are a bit anti-Semmitic. And others take it to monster raving looney lengths. But so what? He's not going to ditch them. He's not going to change his ways. He has a lifestyle which suits him. And if anyone doesn't like it, tough.
Pandering is a felony in the USA!
Oxford University is thinking of pandering to the vocal racialist minority, which wants to get rid of the statue of Cecil Rhodes @ Oriel College. The BIG IDEA is to move the original statue to a dark cupboard in the basement and deploy a substitute statue. Also on offer will be a box of marker pens, which lefty racialists can use to decorate the substitute statue with anti-British slogans.
Weepy Hollow
Students @ Utah U. have been provided with a 'cry closet' to use when they're feeling stressed by approaching final exams. The cupboard in the library is lined with dark fabric and cuddly stuffed animals.
There is a down-side, however. Snoflakes are allowed to spend only ten minutes inside, and being hauled out when their time is up is guaranteed to trigger a new attack of blubbing.
Labour's anti-Semmitism co-ordinator has been ousted from its NEC. Her place will be taken by Izzy Eddard, whose outfits tend to be more humourous than his act.
“If anti-Semmitism is the official policy of the Labour party, are T-shirts likely to be next on the hit-list?”
The news has leaked out that Yulia Skripal is recovering from the effects of the Russian poison, which has left her father's survival still doubtful. Consequently, the Russian government is demanding access to her so that its killers can finish the job they botched.
The Russians are also demanding consular access to S. Skripal's pets — presumably, so that they can be poisoned too.
The Russians have accused the British government of kidnapping Yuliya Skripal' to prevent their terrorists from finishing the job. Their ambassodor is preparing a formal protest to the EU's Commission at this unwarranted restriction of their 'uman right to follow their trade or profession, which the British have placed on the killers.
The attempt to turn Easter into a clone of Xmas has progressed as far as demands for a white Easter, like wot Xmas is supposed to be but never is.
Mad Max Mosely has been accused of hiring extras to pad out anti-Brexit demos in major English cities.
April 1st marks the 100th anniversary of the formation of the Royal Air Force, which was formed despite determined opposition from the then military Establishment — the British Army and the Royal Navy.
Thirty years from now, the nation will celebrate the 100th anniversary of the National Health Service, which was formed despite determined opposition from the medical Establishment — doctors and consultants.
There's nothing like a vested and panted interest for kicking and screaming to stay in the spotlight and hold back the march of progress.
Israel stands accused of carrying out a terror attack under the camouflage of a riot after its troops opened fire on a demonstration at its border with Gaza, killing 17 Palestinians and injuring over 750 more in the massacre.
The UN is investigating. And the reaction from the Corbynistas has been smug smiles and choruses of: "Told you so!"
Is Spain, in view of its thuggish antics in Catalonia, on the verge of becoming the EU's Israel? Keep an eye on the Corbynistas to find out.
Public Service Announcement He's been called the Blogger of the Decade
His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now! |
 Who is he doing?
This washed-up luvvie is supposed to be doing an impression.
But of whom?
Answers on a PC to the usual address.
[No prize, we'd just like to know. Ed.]
'Hitch Hikers Fan' suggests: "A very bad Peter Jones."
Below the line mission statement: We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.
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