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This Month's BT Scam: an Indian woman calls, claiming to be from BT's Accounts Department, and offers free calls for 3 months; you pay just line rental. But first, she needs to check some details. Cue fishing for bank account details, date of birth and anything else she can extract for her thieving associates.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

 WEEK 1         We're feeling Vlad all over!

There's always an excuse
bullet Reservoirs are well filled after a wet spring but water companies are complaining that they can't treat it fast enough to meet demand, so that's the real reason why they want rationing.
   And then there are all those leaks of treated water, which they can't be bothered to fix . . .
bullet All this hot weather is particularly bad for the Scots, who are not used to sweltering. They're having to put out gorse fires; nothing as dramatic as the Saddleworth Moor fire, though; and their water companies are making noises about rationing despite their hugely wet spring.

Nichevo, Comrades
bullet The Scottish government has bee outed for trying to hide 8 large pieces of Bad News, including the abandonment of their flagship education reforms, behind Wee Burney's latest reshuffle.
   Yet the Gnats are offering mocking smiles to their critics on the advice of their new Russian PR consultant, who has assured them that everything will be forgotten by the end of next week.

Just bloody get on with it
bullet The experts reckon they may never find the cause of the latest fire at the Glasgow School of Art as the building is in such a crumbly condition. Which means that the council needs to take the pragmatic solution: accept that the building is as much a write-off as anything destroyed during the Glasgow Blitz, knock the wreck down and build something new.
   That makes so much more sense than wasting a year faffing about in the ruins, not finding a cause for a fire, then spending five years and untold millions on something that looks vaguely like the original Mackintosh design.
   No doubt the other businesses on Sauchiehall Street would be grateful for a fast solution to let them restart their businesses.

Pragmatism rulz, okay
bullet The AA thinks that no government is ever going to force councils to get a grip on potholes and, therefore, learner drivers should be trained to deal with them and the driving test should contain a dedicated practical section on the art of spotting an avoiding potholes.

bullet Comrade Corbyn has joined the Liberals' crusade to make possession of cannabis okay; and later, presumably, compulsory.
   Comrade Corbyn stresses that he is not planning to take up smoking pot himself. He's doing it only to keep his yoof section on-side. Young Corbynites, apparently, become very narked when they break the law and find themselves being arrested for doing so.

March of the Identifiers
bullet Instead of making TV programmes which people might want to watch, and acting as the Labour Party's propaganda wing, the BBC has decided to waste lots of licence-payers' cash on working out how to put a disproportionate number of transgender individuals in its top jobs as an exercise in virtue signalling.
   Be assure that they would never be able to get away with crap like this in Russia, Comrades!

bullet Sexism, in the form of an all-woman radical participation festival, is okay. But try running an equivalent blokes-only festival and see how far you get!

Far Queue symbol Where do criminals who are wanted in France go? Israel, apparently. If Israel is in the Eurovision network, how come there is no extradition treaty?

O'Bummer: no friend of Britain
bullet Another piece of fake news has been sunk, Comrades. Then British Prime Minister D. Cameron did get then President O'Bummer to warn that the UK would be put at the back of the US's trade deal queue as part of Project Fear. All the official denials, on both sides, were just the usual political lies and BS.

bullet Will President Trump really pick cheese-eating surrender monkeys over British bulldogs as his best friends if Britain doesn't do more to boost its warmongering capacity?
   And will anyone notice a difference?

The march to Socialist catastrophe
bullet Comrade Corbyn has appointed himself a political advisor to the new president of Mexico, who is promising to take on the drug cartels and corrupt politicians and police and army officers. He hopes to help Señor Lopez Obrador to turn his country into a new Venezuela in a period as short as 1-2 years.

Time to be tough
reader comment“Prime Minister should stop messing with EU. If they offer nothing, not even talks about talks, she should tell them: ‘Far Queue, EU. We do trade deal with Russia instead.’ See how they like that!”

bullet D. Cameron is giving T.B. Liar severe competition in the race to be named Britain's Worst Prime Monster of All Time. But BFN still has its money on the sleazy Mr. Liar. He is a sound bet, if ever there was one.

Reasonable Assumption
bullet Hard-working women are 63% more likely to get diabetes, according to the experts. Which means that any females who don't get diabetes must be slackers. And we know who you are, Comrades.

Victory Assured
bullet A survey of football fans has found that 84% of people in all British Isles will support Russia if we face Brazil in World Cup final. Cheating and Ronald Ho diving in penalty area are main reason why British people would prefer to see Brazil lose.
bullet Forget West Germany 7, Brazil 1. Putin Panthers will win nine to nil!

Carry On Riding
bullet Attempts to exclude British champion cyclist C. Froome from Tour de France have collapsed in abject failure, which exposed inadequacies of current drug-testing procedures; something about which we in Russia know great deal.

bullet Political quote of the week: “The discrimination and bigotry which the transgender community is creating is unacceptable in today's society. We need a culture change.”

Spot the difference
bullet Trade union leader L. McClusky would have us believe that prime minister is held prisoner by dogmatists and fantasists of far right, and that he and other dogmatists and fantasists of far left are feeling ignored. Tough titty, Comrade. Grow a set.

bullet Russian government has issued vigorous denial that it had anything to do with latest poisoning incident at Amesbury, Wiltshire.

bullet Nick, the coppers' nark, who thrilled so many gullible top cops with his fantastic tales of a VIP abuse ring, has been charged with fraud and attempting to pervert the course of justice. No police officers who were his willing dupes have (yet) been charged with misconduct in a public office.

Attention masochists
bullet Anyone thinking of flying with Ryanair might have to think again. Their pilots are talking strike again and the sinister shadow of Ryangrounded is looming again. Other airlines are available and just as annoying.

bullet The total of wildfires burning in England and Wales has reached 19.

Cogito hairdo naffThe modern sayings of
René Descartes:
Cogito hairdo naff!

Look out!
bullet Customers are advised to watch their step if they go to France; it's the riot season there. Shops and vehicles are going up in flames, especially in Nantes in the west of the country.
   The excuse in this particular instance was the death at the hands of the police of a thief from Paris, who was trying to hide out in the immigrant ghetto. A police officer shot him when the suspect tried to run him over.

Look out! Part II
bullet If you're a bad guy, you need to watch your step in Italy, where the police forces in 11 cities have been issued with tasers for the first time to find out if they provide officers with effective protection.
   Police in Bologna, Brindisi, Caserta, Catania, Florence, Milan, Naples, Padua, Palermo, Reggio Emilia and Turin are all getting tasers. BGs are advised to stick to Rome (apart from the Vatican), Venice or somewhere else which isn't in the scheme.

Tired of being tarred with bad guy brush
bullet Russian ambassador to Sweden has taken local prime minister to task for calling Glorious Soviet Union a major threat though campaigns of foreign interference. Next Swedish government needs to reevaluate its policy toward peace-loving people of Soviet Union, the ambassador added.
   Successive Swedish governments have attempted to deny rights of Russian citizens living in Ukraine, have made miserable complaints about Russian fighters carrying out practice bombing runs over Swedish territory, and outraged whole region with massive military exercises, which included overseas troops as well as Swedish troops.
   We in Russia are well aware that you have upcoming election in September, Comrades, our ambassador said in conclusion. And we will be taking appropriate action.

bullet The Comrades at the BBC have managed to adjust their gender pay difference figures; partly by rigging the way the numbers are calculated.
[And they used to claim that Soviet Union had monopoly on numerical fraud! Ed.]

bullet A Belgian plot to spread a listerine epidemic throughout Europe using sweetcorn which was produced in Hungary has been thwarted. Only 9 deaths so far.

Non-survival of the unwanted
bullet The South Africans have come up with an interesting deterrent to rhino poaching on their game reserves. They park gangs of lions in the vicinity of the rhinos and let the lions eat any poachers who dare to try to kill the rhinos.

Not swimming, broiling
bullet Sales of sun-blocker and sunburn treatment for ornamental fish have reached record levels as the heat wave continues.
   Our expert said: "Fish are too dumb to realize their skin will suffer damage if they stay too near the surface of their habitat in weather like this."
   So now, you know.

May betrays Brexit : Tories doomed in next election
Far Queue symbol Her big mistake was to ask what the EU would accept in the way of a deal and go beyond that. What she should have done, of course, is decide what's the least we're willing to give and offer even less for wiggle room.
   Oh, for another Mrs. Thatcher; someone with a few principles and stickability.

bullet Amazon is planning to launch a Sub-Prime free TV channel or two; but we all remember what happened when sub-prime was applied to mortgages, don't we?

Okay, which is it?
According to which expert is pontificating, the Russian lethal weapon Novichok ‘effectively lasts forever' or such toxins are generally unstable and should break down gradually over time. It would be nice to know which set of experts is right.
reader comment“The big suspicion is that the couple in Amesbury are victims of a fresh attack by the Russians, which is aimed at muddying the waters and pretending that they were not responsible for trying to kill the Skripals 4 months ago.”
   [This is total capitalist BS. Ed.]

Useless vs Useless
reader comment“Is anyone going to bother to vote at the next general election? Our current choice seems to be between Unelectable A – what Cameron and May have done to the Conservative party vs Unelectable B – what Bliar/Brown/Corbyn have done to Labour.”

Never miss a chance to pushing a fake news agenda!
bullet Surrey is experiencing clusters of earthquakes similar to the ones which rocked Romiley back in October 2002. Anti-frackers tried to blame the quakes on drilling by oil companies. The wheels came off their fake news campaign when the Oil & Gas Authority revealed that there had been no drilling in the area and the British Geological Survey added that fracking would not have caused these quakes.
bulletRussian government wishes it to be known that Russian gas companies do not pay anti-frackers to spread fake news in UK. They do it of their own accord.
bulletThe last noticeable earthquake in Romiley took place at 00:58½ on 2008/02/27.

Know your own limitations
bullet What do you do if you're a major high street retailer and you come up against a guy who keeps buying stuff and bringing it back with complaints? If you're John Lewis, you write him a letter telling him that his custom, and all the time-wasting involved, are no longer required and by the way, he's banned from all of your stores and from placing orders by telephone and online.

 WEEK 2         Putin on the agony, Putin on the style

Ready 4 Anything
bullet The PM is taking lessons from a Canadian Native American shaman in case she needs to perform a rain dance to break the current drought and save the nation's harvest from terminal scorch.

That's a sport?? Pur-lease!
reader comment“Blimey! BTSport is really scraping the barrel. The Saturday afternoon replay of Friday Night Football; the Ottawa Redblacks in Montreal; started an hour late due to baseball over-running.
   “What got the chop when the CFL also exceeded its time slot by an hour? A hot dog-eating contest. Really? Wot next?”

Soft, sticky fudge
bullet The PM's 12-point plan for Brexit looks fairly harmless at first glance. It's only when the suspicious customer looks more closely that the dodginess becomes apparent, e.g. Clause 5 vs Clause 7 and Clause 9.

Hidden menace
bullet Doom and gloom for Chinese firework manufacturers as the world's biggest trade war starts and people looking to put on a public show in the United States move away from old fashioned fireworks displays to light shows created using computer-controlled drones.

Educational Supplement
bullet Sir Arthur Clarke started it by channelling Sir Isaac Newton to create Clarke's Fourth Law: 'For every expert, there is an equal and opposite expert'.
   BFN takes up the torch with the Universal Law of Diversity: 'Every noun, verb, adjective, adverb, etc. has an equal and opposite counterpart'. E.g.: up vs down, common vs rare, etc.
   In particular, subliminal messages, which are statements below the threshold of consciousness, have their counterpart in supraliminal ones, which are statements of the bleedin' obvious described in Latin to remove the overtone of vulgarity.

bullet The resigned Brexit Sec., D. Davis, called the PM's Brexit strategy 'dangerous'. Clearly, he was much too polite to call it like it is, namely betrayal of the 174 million people who voted to get out of the EU and its poisonous influence completely.
reader comment“It's obvious the PM isn't committed to making Brexit mean Brexit if she writes a list of British 'demands' by wondering what the EU will let her have and then going soft on that. Negotiation involves stating what you want and maybe giving a bit of ground here and there if you get something in return. Negotion involves caving in at every spot of adversity and every unreasonable demand and then pretending the outcome is a great triumph. [see: David Cameron's record as PM vs Brussels] Yes, we do need someone like Donald Trump facing up to the EU and ready to walk away to a 'no deal' if they don't shape up and do so bloody quickly. C.J.
reader comment“The EU's negotions merchants say the PM will have to water her wishy-washy 12 proposals down further. What clearer proof do we need that they are not acting in good faith and we need to just walk away and start planning seriously for 'no deal; right now. G.R.

bullet British prime minister sacks foreign secretary for having Russian name—Boris. She really does hate us, Comrades.

Pay up & look cheerful
bullet What sort of a vegetarian wants a veggie-burger that looks, bleeds, sizzles and tastes like a meat-based burger? One who isn't serious about being a veggie; or ashamed of being one.
bullet Carnivores will be delighted to know that the faux veggies will be charged 325% of the price of a real burglar for their fakes.

bullet Apparently, the government's extra cash for the NHS won't make services to the customers any better. But the doctors might smile a bit more as they will be getting a very healthy pay rise.

Rain that won't go away
bullet Where is all our rain? Falling on Japan. Flash floods, land- and mudslides, millions evacuated from their homes, around 100 deaths. These have been the consequences of record-shattering downpours on the Land of the Rising Sun.

bullet What's the worst that could happen to you if you go on holiday in Norway? Getting bitten by a snake is this holiday season's favourite. Up to the end of June, the poison information advice line has had to field almost a whole normal year's worth of calls.

Mañana don't come into it!
bullet Where's the best place in the world to skive? No, not Liverpool. A bloke, who used to be a civil servant in Valencia, got into the habit of clocking in at 7:30 every morning and them going straight back home. And his useless managers let him get away with it for 10 years!!

bullet At the end of this month, the Swiss air traffic controllers, presumably in co-ordination with the stroppy sods in France, will be taking their turn to go on strike.

bulletQ: What do you get if you ask for wine in a French restaurant, especially rosé?
bulletA: Spanish plonk worth 30p/litre sold at prestige French label prices.

bulletQ: What will the Next Big Thing in prisons be?
bulletA: Mugging convicts for their phonecards after they get phones installed in their cells.

bulletQ: What do you get if you defraud the DWP and the taxpayer out of £20,000?
bulletA: Away with it.

Otherwise engaged
police helmet Greater Manchester Police are asking potential customers to have an online chat with someone rather than trying to phone them until after the coming weekend.
   They will be too busy 'dealing with' (i.e. watching) the World Cup to offer any assistance.

bullet There is rumour going around that Russian football team is out of World Cup.
Fake news. Don't believe it, Comrades.

bullet The agitation being whipped by Britain's drone population over the state visit by President Trump is reminiscent of the organized violence of the Nazi era in Germany. Trump is okay, Comrades—that's official.
reader comment“Maybe drones are upset because President Trump thinks visiting President Putin will be better than visiting President May. I.G.

bulletQ: Which is worse, Britain sold out to the EU by May or Corbyn?
bulletA: Nothing to choose between them.

The prime minister lets the nation into
the secret of her Brexit strategy . . .

PC rules if there's a profit in it
bullet The Co-op has a great excuse for ripping off its elderly customers with insurance policies sold at outrageous prices. Its bosses claim that it would be unethical and ageist to offer older customers an honest dead, even though, knowing dates of birth, they could do so. Not exactly the customer-oriented spirit of the Co-op as it was founded but the spivs take over everywhere eventually.

Far Queue symbol President Corby of Labour party has appointed as his shadow equalities minister, woman who has received extensive anti-Semitic training. Labour sure do things different, Comrades!

Trump does Europe
bullet First stop: NATO to tell them they're not pulling their weight in the Universal Military Stand-Off. Germany is the worst offender, the bad guy of Europe. Next, Englandland to have tea with the Queen and meet some civilized people for a change. Not an easy task in the south, especially in the London area.

Danger! Exploding outrage junkies
bullet It seems the design of the Elizabeth Tower, home to Big Ben and the clock for which it does the bongs, includes half a dozen shields above each dial. They are currently white with black crosses.
   A plan to repaint the shields with red crosses has provoked howls of outrage from Welsh and Scottish Nationalist bigots. But would they be willing to put some red-crossed shields on buildings in their countries next to their own national symbols? The way the Tower also has leek-shamrock-thistle shields? Sure, they would!

 WEEK 3     Up to 100% Vlad-free does include 0% Vlad-free, Comrades

The way ahead
bullet About all our prime minister can do now, as she contemplates the ruins of the Brexit plan foisted off on a Bremoaner Cabinet, is head off to Munich for a conference with the German leader and return in triumph, waving a piece of paper and proclaiming 'Peace for our time'.

An idea before its time . . .
bullet Back in 1967, they were talking about using nuclear explosions to release gas trapped in shale oil deposits. It would be worthwhile reviving the idea, if only to watch the anti-fracking lobby going into a terminal tailspin.

Cosmetics rule
police helmet Why have the police become wolf-whistle knee-jerkers? Because of their diversity agenda. People in uniform who are harassing wolf-whistlers don't need to be fit and healthy or intelligent or even able to speak English very well. Result? The Chief Constabule gets all his boxes ticked and the politicians are happy.
   The only people who aren't happy as the customers who have been burgled, robbed by scooter bandits, beaten up or swindled and then ignored by the police, even though they have paid their taxes and the wages of the ignoring coppers.

Far Queue symbol SadGeek Khan't—what an advert for city mayors! Mind you, citizens in Greater Manchester aren't pointing any fingers. We have the Stafford Hospital Guy as our Labour-list mayor.

We can do patronizing, Comrades!
The leader of the free world Is the Donald Trump likely to be impressed by wimmin banging pots & pans and yelling in his general direction? One in any direction they choose when he's scores of miles away?
   But if it gives the wimmin, their kids and the token males a spot of exercise in the fresh air, maybe their efforts weren't entirely wasted.

Another Trump Triumph
The leader of the free world President Putin was delighted to hear that President Trump has gee'd up those NATO nations, which were underspending on their defence commitments and leaving it all to United States.
   The more they spend, the more Russian government can justify spending on army and police to keep borders secure and unsocial elements within our great country suppressed.

Far Queue symbol J.C. Druncker, the EC president, had to be wheeled around at a NATO booze-up because he kept falling over while he was doing the room. He claims he was put in a wheelchair due to sciatica rather than being alcoholically legless.
   If true, this suggest that he's so desperate for a free drink that he'll endure any public humiliation necessary to get one. Not a very positive image for the EU, Comrades.
A genuine sciatica sufferer cast doubt on the explanation:
reader comment“If your sciatic nerve goes off, you don't walk around. You come to a dead stop and wait for the pain to stop. It's bloody excruciating. And you don't do anything to set it off again.”

Far Queue symbol In the competition to become Britain's Most Hated Plonker, M. Boon of Govis Thameslink, which runs Southern Rail, is working hard to overtake Oily Robbins, the PM's personal Brexit saboteur.

No news – the BBC way
bullet The BBC has a cunning way of making sure that its fiddles in relation to staff wages go undetected. It puts confidentiality clauses in contracts of employment. Which means that anyone who dares to reveal how much they are paid gets the bullet for breach of contract.

Any excuse for a skive
bullet Where was President Corby of Labour on the second Friday of the month? Hard at work in Parliament on behalf of his constituents? Nope, he was swanning around with the drones who didn't have a job to go to.
   Ain't life grand when you have your hand thrust into the taxpayer's pocket, Comrades?
reader comment“President Corb is only being a git because he's jealous of Boris and President Trump didn't say Jezzer would make a great PM.”
reader comment“I've heard most of the people who were 'protesting' against President Trump's visit aren't proper Brits at all. Most of them are illegal immigrants living off the British taxpayer, which explains why they don't have to work on a Friday.”

Some countries have freedom
bullet 100 million on the streets of London in protest against President Trump's visit? They would never have dared try that in Paris, Comrades. The CRS would have been in full bash-the-terrorists mode and the hospitals would have been full of broken bodies of traitors who had been insulting the French nation with their shameful banners and displays of thuggery.

bullet Peas and carrots are going extinct at farms in Britain due to the heat wave.

Stunt? Non event
bullet Greenpeace is making a lot out of having a couple of its exhibitionists staying at his hotel in Turnberry at the same time as President Trump. But Security knew who they were and they knew they'd be shot if they tried any funny business. So nothing happened, Comrades.

bullet Russian Ambassodor can confirm that bottle of Novichok Soviet era nerve poison found at home of C. Rowley does not bear fingerprints of V. Putin.

Definite danger zone!
bullet What's a good reason for not emigrating to Greenland? Well, you could find a monster iceberg crashing into your living room during what passes for the summer there.

Always an excuse
police helmet Britain's police chiefs, through their trade unions, have confirmed that they understand that the public have real concerns about crime but they (the Chief Cons) are faced with the challenges of crime of increasing complexity.
   Translation: They're too busy inventing imaginary hate crimes to give a rat's arse about real crimes like burglary, mugging, arson, extortion and murder, so don't waste your breath moaning about it.

Dumbing sideways
bullet Universities are banning the use of the phrase 'as you know' by their lecturers on the grounds that snoflake students don't know and an assumption that they should makes them feel ignorant and inferior.

bullet IRA terrorists have been tossing fireworks at G. Adams to let him know that he is now as unpopular with his pals as T. May is with the Tory party.

bullet Enemies of the USA: 1. the EU, 2= Russia and China.

bullet The US State Department has denied that President Trump refused to meet J. Corbyn and N. Sturgeon on the grounds that they are minor and unimportant political figures. There just wasn't time in a busy schedule for him to meet anyone other than the British head of state and her prime minister and still get in his round of golf.

bullet Russian fake news is best in world — it's official, Comrades!

A-bout, turn!
bullet So much for the experts! Full-fat milk and cheese contribute to a healthy body and a healthy heart and a decent life span while low-fat substitutes are full of sugars, which wreck your health and will kill you.
   Enjoy while you can, Comrades.

bullet Russian government denies making a failed attempt to hack Novichok inquiry in England. "When we hack," said Russian Ambassodor, "We succeed."

Doing hard time
bullet The new president of Ecuador has begun talks with the FO aimed at evicting the hacker criminal fugitive J. Assange from his embassy in London.
   The presence of this 'inherited stone in the shoe' is costing his hosts lots of cash, and holding up IMF loans. Assange has turned from a triumph of Socialist solidarity to a major embarrassment, which the new broom hopes to sweep away without delay.
reader comment“Slipping him Mickey Finn and dumping him in Hyde Park should solve all problems, Comrades.”

Triumph of Helsinki
The leader of the free world Presidents Trump & Putin are greatly pleased with their joint efforts to wind up the world's waxworks. The show of fake outrage from the usual suspects has exceeded all expectations.
   The more people who have been leeching off the American public for decades have exploded in intemperate outbursts, the higher President Trump's approval ratings from real people have soared.
   Job done in fine style.

bullet Someone who counts these things has worked out that more people wanted a teddy bear priced at the age of a child than wanted to boo at an anti-Trump demonstration.

bullet Ronald Ho has been voted the world's most persistent penalty area diver.

bullet Surprise! The experts have spoken again and all the people taking fish-oil supplements and expecting to live forever are mugs who are wasting their money.

bullet If you want to get measles, try a holiday in France, Germany, Greece, Italy, Romania or Serbia, all of which are enjoying epidemics of the disease. If you like rats, which are famous for their ability to carry all sorts of other infectious diseases, a good place to meet them is the swimming area in Copenhagen harbour.
update Too late, Comrades! Havnebadet Sluseholmen has been closed by joint action by the city's environmental protection and pest control units and no reopening date is currently available.

Naffness challenge
railway engine If you thought London, Edinburgh and Glasgow had some of the worst public transport in the world, guess again. Stockholm is seeking to overtake them in the transport chaos stakes.
   Closing a new, zillion-euro commuter rail station almost as soon as it was opened was very biscuit-taking, and commuter anger is reported to be approaching world-record levels.

bullet Skrig? Ney umengast'v!

bullet These experts! They'll tell us anything. Only 42% of the population has sworn at an inanimate object in the last year, they reckon.
   It's more like 142%. But what do the experts know anyway?

Let us be clear
bullet Did the Russians try to save America from the awful fate of having another Clinton in the White House? Hell, yeah!
   Did they need to? Hell, no!
   The American people were too smart in 2016 to buy the Clinton campaign's fake news and false promises. Same with the stuff the Russkies were churning out. Nope, the people of the good old US of A got the election result exactly right without any outside help. And you can take that to Bank of Kremlin, Comrades.

Far Queue symbol South Yorkshire police and the BBC have cost the taxpayer at least £1 MILLION for their failed fishing and sleazing expeditions against Sir Cliff Richard. But no coppers or BBC jobsworths have been sacked as a result.

Fake News Warning
bullet HM Inspectorate of Constabulary appears to have ordered the police farces of England and Wales to create a spike in hate crimes to coincide with Britain's departure from the EU at the end of March next year.

Robber barons with a new plan
bullet The EU has come up with a scam to fill the gap in its budget left by the defection of the United Kingdom—fining multinationals for breaking its rules. Starting with Gooble, which has been done for £4 BILLION (2 weeks' income) for ignoring competition and fair trading laws.

 WEEK 4              World Champions of Russia, Comrades!!

Trump Tactics
bullet How to upset the Chinese:
Call a Mandarin-speaker Herby Wu, which sounds like the expression for someone who's not worth much.

Twat of the month
bullet That has to be the guy who banned residents of a public housing block from having a communal paddling pool on the grounds that a burglar might fall in it and drown.
   Up with that is what, Comrades? Burglars are not exactly in short supply in Britain, thanks to all help they get from police.

Stick THAT in your Barnier and smoke it!
bullet Crumbs! No deal post-Brexit will cost the EU £200 BILLION and a million jobs will go up in smoke and the eurozone will be put into recession, according to the latest guestimate by the International Monetary Fund.

bullet Russian ambassodor has confirmed that President Putin was not invited to United States of America for visit to put him somewhere where American CIA can keep close eye on him.

bullet An EU whistle-blower has revealed that the EU president, J.-C. Druncker, drinks gin like water and he has convinced the waxworks who work for him that alcohol never prevents him from functioning. But as he has appointed a German monster to do his job for him, he never needs to function.
bullet Members of Mr. Druncker's staff no longer have to tell people that he's not pissed. They have been issued with cards saying, "No, he isn't." in all the official languages of the EU.

Clean break
Far Queue symbol Ireland's Icelandic TeaShop would like to ban British aircraft from his country's airspace post Brexit. The UK is willing to go along with this on condition that everything Irish is banned from Britain's air- and groundspace, and that all Irish citizens and/or their descendants already here must leave before Brexit Day.
reader comment“The Teashop needs to realize that if he sets his IRA mercenaries on us with orders to bomb us back into the EU, there will be consequences. Everything in the Irish Republic is just as sitting a duck as everything in the UK.

bullet British police investigating the Wiltshire poisonings have identified the Russian team of assassins, who tried to kill former Russian agent S. Skripal and his daughter in March, and claimed two further victims 4 months later.
bullet Russian abassodor has confirmed that they are all safely back in Soviet territory, Comrades.

Fascists on the march
bullet Israel has voted for a form of Apartheid, which makes Arabs living in Palestine second-class citizens and strips Arabic of its status as an official language. Can you imagine the furore there would be among the diversity dogsbodies here, Comrades, if the government banned councils and public bodies from putting half a dozen forms of scribble on official forms and insisted on English only?

bullet Something else windmills are no good for: powering air-conditioning on long, hot days. They tend to be at a standstill in the weather we've been having lately and produce zero power.

bullet Surprise! Making new psychoactive drugs, e.g. spice, illegal has led to a huge drop in hospital admissions of people who took too much of them.
   Who'da thunk it, Comrades?

Just a thought
bullet The big problem with holding the Tour de France in France is that the French are such yobs. Their yobbery isn't helped by the police letting yobs park themselves in front of barriers instead of behind them, as Mr. Nibali discovered to his cost.
   Maybe they should keep the name and stage the event somewhere more civilized. Like Russia?
update Where but in France would you get a major sporting event halted because the police had to use chemical warfare on revolting peasants? Remember the Russia Option, Comrades.
update Where but in France would a cop attack a four-time winner of his country's national bike race, as happened to C. Froome (British) on the final Wednesday?
bullet 'Spitting is a French cultural thing'? In Russia, we have word for behaviour like this: nyekul'turniy – bad manners.

bullet The EU's chief Brexit negotions guy sneers at our PM's Brexit plan (the one already rejected by the nation). All that's left is 'no deal' and the nation breathes a sigh of relief.

Far Queue symbol R. Allin-Khan, MP — Labour, natch.

Far Queue symbol Manchester University's whitewashing students.

Yes, is it just green crap
bullet Surprise! The government is starting to realize at long last that 'smart' meters do not benefit the customer and they were never intended to. They are just part of the not-so-great global warming swindle and they are designed to benefit only energy companies.
bulletThe guess for the 'saving' in energy costs enjoyed by a householder with a 'smart' meter is heading rapidly toward zero. The government is doing some frantic fiddling with the numbers to prevent it from going negative.

Dr. Mitty, I presume?
bullet A Dangerous Nutter Award has to go to the 41-year-old doctor who was struck off after claiming that he could offer 46 years' medical experience.
   Maybe he'll consider a new career in politics now that he is at a loose end, Comrades.

Not fit for purpose
bullet 19% of 18-24-year-olds think that the UK has already left the EU; mainly because they cherry pick the news for the interesting bits and avoid dull facts. Maybe they should raise the voting age to 25 instead of lowering it to 14, as the Labour party is angling for.
bullet Only 9% of the population think that the government (any part of it) is capable of acting in their best interests. Maybe we need to do something to improve the quality of the MPs and civil servants, who are supposed to be working on our behalf, Comrades.

Nature finds a way
bullet The Chinese government's experts have found that aspen trees in Peking's smoggy atmosphere grow at a faster rate than aspens which enjoy open skies and smog-free conditions.
[Maybe they think they can grow through the smog to fresh air above it? Ed.]

bullet The Labour party — For the Many, not the Jew.
They'll never change. Especially if someone as appalling as M. Hodge is leading the charge on the leader.

Politics finds a way . . . to a swindle
bullet The tax burden is at its highest since Harold bloody Wilson (Labour) was prime minister in the 1960s thanks to the antics of Tony B. Liar (Labour) and Gordon F. Broon (Labour) in the 2000s.
   Cue the political spivs and boo-hoo buggers playing the percentage card by claiming that the poorest 10% pay 50% of their income in tax. But if the 50% left is enough for them to live on, that's okay, Comrades. And don't let them tell you any different.

Time to deploy the 'S' word
bullet 'Lunar eclipses are different from solar eclipses, which happen when the Moon passes in front of the Sun.' That's what it said in Monday morning's paper at the end of a piece on this coming Friday's evening eclipse.
   Crumbs! Are there really people around who need to be told that? Bog help us when the Snoflakes are running things, Comrades.
   [The 's' word is 'supraliminal'. Ed.]

bullet WAXIS of EVIL — where the modern villain goes to get his chest defurred.

Nasty bastards at heart
bullet You do get the feeling, Comrades, that they do it deliberately; the national health 'experts' who say everyone needs to go and hide in a deep, dark, dank cellar when the sun comes out.
   Why do they do it? Simple, Comrades. To see how many fuses they can blow among the heads of the hospitality and leisure industries, and how many Snoflakes they can scare to death.

Danger ahead
bullet The boss of Amazon in the UK has warned that Bremoaners will riot in the streets within a fortnight of Britain leaving the EU with no deal on trade, etc. How does he know this? What has he been up to? The public has a right to know.
bullet There is a suspicion that the first rioters will be Amazon staff protesting about their pay and working conditions, and their boss is trying to deploy a smoke-screen.

Vocabulary for the Future
bullet bloke, n., a man; woke, n., a woman who thinks she's a man; moke, n., a man who thinks he might be male but isn't quite sure.
girl, n., (young) female person; mirl, n., a male person who thinks he's female.

Politics for the Future
bullet It isn't anti-Semitic to discuss racism and Israeli state policies using the same standards that would apply to other states, according to a Labour party mouthpiece. Which means the Israelis and Jews in general are in for a tough time if Labour applies the hypocrisy and double standards which it inflicts on Britain and British society.

Nose, face, spite
bullet UKTV has done a Sky and thrown its toys out of the pram and Virgin Media TV customers have lost channels such as Alibi and Drama. No doubt UKTV's advertisers will appreciate the loss of revenue until commercial sense prevails.

Telescope to the blind eye time
bullet Bristol's city council (Labour-run) plans to add a plaque to a statue of E. Colston, a major benefactor to the city, with a typically one-sided and hypocritical message. If the plaque 'explains' Mr. Colston's active role in the enslavement of Africans, fairness demands that it should also make plain that he would never have been able to make his fortune without the enthusiastic co-operation of the Africans who rounded up their fellow Africans and sold them into slavery. But that's a piece of history the Labour re-writers would prefer to ignore.

Pull the other one
bullet Britain is melting! Wednesday's newspapers screamed as the NHS and railway lines buckled and the unions got uppity. Pinch of salt time in Romiley, where it was raining yesterday and the grass growing where it shouldn't is as green as ever.
   Hey, it's not like we can do anything about it. It's just the weather. And anyone who doesn't like it has two choices: lump it or move to another planet which suits them better.

bullet The new Director of Public Prostitutions reckons he will restore public trust in the CPS. But that means he will have to stop being a publicity hound and squishy-squashy soft on crime and a hug-a-terrorist Daesh apologist. Which doesn't sound likely.

Objet Trouvé
bullet “Therazor May stands accused of lying to her ministers over the Chequers Brexit 'deal' in the same way that Tony B. Liar lied to his ministers when he was cooking up the 2003 war in Iraq.”
   Does this mean that Mrs. May will be evicted from Downing St. in disgrace and go on to become indecently wealthy as a consultant to the world's most contemptible dictators? Who sez her job doesn't have its perks, Comrades!

bullet J. Corbyn has offered public-sector workers a pay rise of 5%; presumably out of his own pocket rather than those of the taxpayer. What a great guy he is, Comrades!

bullet Farmers are claiming that their crops are 'parched to the bone'. Which has to be a propaganda claim from someone who has never been near a farm in his/her life. Or are we really expected to believe that farmers don't know that fruit and vegetables don't contain bones?

Idle Hands
bullet Inspired by the current outbreak of sunshine, the global warming swindlers in Parliament want to take advantage of the current lack of legislative activity to compose a whole bunch of new laws imposing restrictions and bans on what can be done in hot weather.
   1976, 2018 . . . that means they're getting ready for 2060, when all but a handful of the present inmates of the House of Common Criminals will be dead. Nothing like thinking ahead!
bullet How do you create temperature world records?
1. Site your thermometers in cities, preferably in the middle of a large, tarmacked car park.
2. Estimate temperatures for the 90% of the planet's surface where there are no weather stations and be shifty about your Rules of Exaggerating Readings.

bullet The latest guess from the Department of Guesswork is that there will be increasingly hot summer heatwaves all over the world from now on and that the death toll due to the heat will reach 7,000,000/year by 2040.

bulletQ: How do you give a politician a cheap thrill and make him/her evacuate his/her office and send for the HazMat guys?
bulletA: Sending them a suspicious parcel with a label sporting the words 'Anne Thrax' works very well in the USA.

 WEEK 5 

Not just in Russia, Comrades
bullet No surprise that the losers in Pakistan's general election are yelling fraud and 'not cricket' as loud as they can and pointing fingers at the military and the religious extremists on I. Khan's team.
   Sour grapes because their own electoral swindles didn't pay off? Sure looks like it.

bullet It's official! The experts have done their survey and found that Snoflakes prefer the fake news on InYerFaceBuk to the stuff offered by the BBC.

bullet It's official! The French don't like winners, especially if they're British. No wonder British newspapers enjoy mentioning that a firm made cannonballs which were used to beat the French at the battle of Waterloo!.

bullet EU say NO! Which means that the Prime Monster's Chequers plan for collecting customs duties and tariffs on behalf of the EU is now officially a dead parrot.

Ultra-rare eclipse phenomenon spotted over Romiley
2018 Cheese Moon over Romiley It is the rarest of rare eclipse phenomena, and it relies on the Earth's atmosphere achieving just the right degree of turbulent disturbance when there are storms around. But it is just barely, barely possible, for the balance of blue and yellow sunlight refracted through our planet's atmosphere during a total lunar eclipse to paint the face of the full Moon a ghostly green. But very briefly.
   Of course, being an eclipse night, the cloud cover over Romiley was a close approximation to 100%, which meant that anyone without access to a DOV [Drone Observation Vehicle] capable to rising above the cloud cover was right out of luck as far as seeing any of the really spectacular part of the eclipse was concerned.
   If you missed this Cheese Moon, Comrades, it is highly unlikely that you will be around for the next one. But if life were easy, anyone could do it!

21:32, the sky over Romiley on eclipse evening
The 'night' sky at 9:32 p.m. on Friday, 28th July 2018. As this is barely a quarter
of an hour after sunset, there's not much to see apart from the clouds.

reader comment“Guess what, Comrades — world ended on Eclipse Friday. But if you are reading this after then, no surprise. American doom-mongers are idiots. All of them, without exception.”
reader comment“According to the fundamentalist bozos in the US, eclipse day was due to be the End of the World Day. But if clouds meant that we couldn't see it, then the eclipse monster couldn't see us, which was handy, and how we got away with it.”

bullet The experts have come up with an explanation for the heat wave. It's down to all the hot air and fake-news hysteria generated by the Bremoaners.

Ah didnae dee it! or 'Fake News!' he cried
bullet M. MacRon, the Scottish president of France, is having a toxic crony crisis after he is alleged to have covered up an assault on the streets of Paris by his bodyguard. He is also denying having sex with the (male) bodyguard, which is a major mistake. Whenever a politician denies something (e.g. President Slick Willy Clinton), everyone automatically assumes that the opposite is true.
   But hey! McRon is the president so he's above the law, right? Because that has been the rule in France for . . . ever.

Grizzlers Down Under
bullet Oh, dear, people's expectations can be a real pain. Aussies are supposed to be rough and tough and nyekul'turniy capable people who can handle anything. But some of the darlings are throwing their toys out of their prams because their prime minister actually dared to eat a small pork pie with a knife and fork!! The Bastard!!

MPs embrace fake news
bullet MPs are angling to have self-styled WWW platforms redesignated as publishers. Which would allow InYerFaceBuk, Gooble, et al to be hit with a fake news tax.
   The announced reason for the tax is to pay for regulation and education about fake news for snoflakes. But the likely result will be lots more perks going to the free lunch brigade and Establishment stooges, and a lot more covering up of their expenses frauds, sex-pestery and other crimes against humanity. Dissenters, such as the champions of Brexit, will also be censored into silence.
   It's sad, but these are the oily things they do, Comrades.

Wise guy? Not so wise!
bullet You might think that someone called Clever Busumani might make a good job of faking his own demise to get a death-in-service payment for his wife (and himself). Luckily for his employer, Transport for London, he failed to live up to the expectations of his Zimbabwean parents.

Sheer self-interest
bullet Oh, dear, Comrades. The latest Project Terror froth is that Britain won't be able to buy medicines from European suppliers post-Brexit. Which means that the Prime Minister, who has diabetes and needs insulin, will die.
   No wonder she's trying so hard to sabotage Brexit!

Death somehow or other
bullet Interesting-fact warning, Comrades! While we have been getting a lot of hysteria about the number of deaths caused by hot weather, the number of deaths caused by cold weather is TWENTY TIMES HIGHER. But, of course, the experts and global warming swindlers would prefer it if we didn't know this.

Putting the ‘mad’ in ‘man-made’
bullet The global warming swindlers are becoming bolder in their Project Fright tactics, abandoning such minor academic considerations as peer review and actual, confirmed data in favour of using their own fake news websites to circulate their guesses and incorporating bogus data from dodgy computer models into their real-world data.
   As a result, they are now claiming that man-made global warming has created a change in the planet's climate which will make frequent extreme heat waves the norm in the future. All total bollux, of course, but they are global warming swindlers.

bullet Here's a fitting 'goes around' for Comrade Corbyn. Indignant Labourites are saying that he should be deprived of his allotment in Barnet as a punishment for cultivating anti-Semitism in the Labour party.

bullet The Prime Monster is being accused of betraying the Brexit referendum result and her own promises in the manifesto for the 2017 general election — by her own party.
   Is she turning into J. Corbyn? If we see a surge of anti-Semitism in the Tory party, that will confirm that she is identifying as Jezzer.

bullet The French are sighing with relief. Their national bike race wasn't won by another Englishman this year. Just don't mention, Comrades, that Wales is part of Britain, home of the English.

Far Queue symbol The Boo-Buggers have been presented with a serious problem — explaining how Team Sky won a sixth Tour de France this decade with a rider who isn't asthmatic.

Blood any time you want some or As much blood as you can stomach!
bullet Do 'seeing' and 'believing' ever belong in the same sentence? Cop for this, Comrades — a magnificent Blood Moon picture. Unfortunately, it was taken at 11:56 p.m. local time over Mosaic Stadium in Regina, Saskatchewan, on Saturday 28th July. That's 4:56 a.m. BST on Sunday 29th July.
   But you have to admit, it's as good as any of the Friday eclipse pictures, if not better.

blood moon over Regina, SK

Far Queue symbol The Labour party's denial of the endemic anti-Semitism in its ranks continues — with a perfect defence to all accusations! They are all just pieces of fake news cooked up by Trump-fanatic British rabbis!

Far Queue symbol What won't the Mandelsleaze say to attract a bit of attention when he's feeling neglected?

Below the line mission statement: We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, July MM18.