WEEK 1

 
If it wasn't for bad luck, he'd have no luck at all
Who's the unluckiest guy in the world? Has to be that USAF pilot who crashed a $100M F-35 fighter in South Carolina last week. If they stop the cost of a new one out of his pay, the sucker is never going to be able to retire and his family will be bondage slaves for generations!

PassOnPlastic Make a will and leave it to your kids!

Ooooh! I do hate you!
Oh, dear! Boris Johnson gummed by P. Hammond, the Chancellor who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. Hammond's rant about Boris never becoming the Tory leader has to be a Blue on Blue effusion of sour grapes by someone who'll never even be considered for the job.
   Still, better out than in, as they say about such things.

"I can fake sincerity as well as the next man."

the next man . . .

Sneak attack?
The Tory party has noted a sudden rise in new members, who will be eligible to vote in a leadership election. Which raises the spectre of Momentum members joining the Tories en masse to vote J. Corbyn into the leadership. Because, let's face it, that the only way of getting him into Downing Street!

1851, 1951, 2051 2022 – May gets Blair's Disease
He had no grasp of history and anniversaries. Neither, it seems, does our current prime minister, who wants to ignore precedent and blow £120 MILLION of other people's money on another Festival of Britain thirty years early. And probably make it as dreary as New Labour's version of the Tory Millennium Dome idea.
“Why not let the bunch running H2S into the ground take charge of Mrs. May's Festival? That will ensure that it doesn't happen before 2051. Shame about it costing two billion quid, though.” S.W.
“Will there have to be a counter-Festival so that every grump-group in the diversity spectrum will be able to have somewhere to moan about how left out of things they feel?” J.V.

Another sneak attack? We're on to you, Comrade!
Suspicion that the 'whale' currently swanning about in the lower reaches of the river Thames is a Russian spy submarine is growing. The whale has been parked in the same area off Gravesend for a week and shows no signs of wanting to move on to a normal whale habitat.

Tax dodger Ronald Ho has been MeeToo'd.

Pretend paradise on offer
Without private sector business, there would be no cash to hand to Labour's feckless clients. Which raises a few questions about how Labour will finance its latest next manifesto wheeze – a plan to nationalize everything and then put their 100% public-sector staff on a 4-day week but pay them for a 5-day week.

Progress?
In the good old days, kids went to school to learn to read, write and add up. But for the last 50 years, the Blob has been trying to teach them to hate the Tories. No wonder snoflakes kno nuffink and swallow the fake news on the www.
    [Brilliant job the Blob is doing if people still know they have to vote a Tory government in after Labour has trashed the economy yet again. Ed.]

Monstrous regiment on manoeuvres again
CERN, the nuclear research centre near Geneva, has suspended an Italian professor for daring to point out that men invented physics and the currently fashionable diversity cult is being used to allow discrimination against able male scientists in favour of cosmetic women. Prof. Strumia says his conclusions are based on real research, including the work of other experts. But, as we all know, explaining how things are in the real world is no defence against diversity.
No surprise; the Church of England is talking about installing a token women as Archbishop of York when the current incumbent retires in a couple of years' time.
“It's true, men did invent physics. Because women were too busy with domestic chores, child-rearing and earning a living to have the opportunity to get involved. And they didn't have access to the necessary educational training. Facts is facts, no matter how uncomfortable and inconvenient for the people who make a living out of rewriting history.” G.G.

If you want a car which will talk back to you, tell you how bad your driving is and lie about the emissions coming out of it, head for BMW and be prepared to cough up £33,610.

J. Hunt, the current Foreign Sec. has found that a good way to annoy the waxworks of the EU establishment is to compare their behaviour to that of the waxworks who ran the Soviet Union. They don't like it up 'em!
“If the EU isn't the Soviet Union, that's only a 'not yet' for its waxworks would dearly love to have that level of control and opportunity to steal shamelessly from the taxpayer.” A.J.

Doesn't add up
We keep on hearing, usually from Bremoaners, that Boris Johnson could never lead the Tories because he's not a details man. But is it necessarily the leader's job to pick all the nits?
    The leader tackles the big picture. There are thousands of minions clustered around him at the taxpayer's expense to make it work. That's the way things are supposed to happen.

And now a word from a real Tory
“It's all very well for the prime minister and her Bremoaner apologists to tell us that B. Johnson had nothing new to say at his Tory fringe do, but he does have an act which people want to see. No one left his show early, as for the 'main events', which didn't have people standing in a queue going round the block to get in. And he does actually spread the real Tory message and beliefs.” R.M.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
The students' union at Manchester U. has banned them from clapping at events on diversity grounds. The union is worried that the noise could upset snoflakes of a nervous disposition. The world just gets sillier every day.
“If students have to wave their hands in the air instead of clapping; something which will have no impact on any blind members of the audience; might we see an explosion in the sales of BIG HANDS of the type worn by the late but still remembered Kenny Everett when he was doing Brother Lee Love in his best possible taste TV shows?” M.P.
No surprise – the happy hands and no clapping lobby at Manchester U. are just boo-hoo bugger virtue seekers, a medical expert reckons. People with anxiety problems are not upset by people clapping.

Oh, no! We're doomed again!
The latest from the Cash-Killer Tendency is an alarmist story that banknotes and coins are covered with deadly bacteria and we're all going to die horrible and painful deaths.
    When challenged, the CKT failed to come up with a convincing explanation of why the human race didn't die out when exposed to physical cash in grubbier times.

Promises, promises
The Home Sec. is getting a lot of well deserved stick for promising to stick it to middle-aged coke sniffers, whom he blames for most of the crime in Britain, but with no obvious way of going about it.
   No use going to the nation's police farces. If they're not bothered about enforcing the laws relating to cannabis, then they're not likely to be arsed to do anything about coke.
   Politics of the gob has a huge down-side but politicians never seem to get that they will be affected by the blow-back.

Oh, no! We're doomed again! Again!
An expert reckons that having a drink (that's one lousy drink) every day increases the risk of premature death by 20%. If you want to live forever, don't drink, is her message.
    Also in the 20% risk bracket are members of the MeeToo cult, who are 20% more likely to have a heart attack than normal people.

Dietary disaster
Pensioners are being ordered to use butter when they make scrambled eggs to avoid malnutrition. But who in their right mind is going to want scrambled eggs not cooked in butter?

The French Rat Protection League is up in arms over the war being waged in Paris against the 4 million non-human rats who live there. Something which has really got the RPL outraged is the installation of mini-guillotines in sewers. But the only real objection to the mini-guillotines appears to be their cost; each of them costs €300-450 per month to operate and service.

The MeeToo cult is getting the blame for teenage boys sending each other rape jokes on antisocial meeja.

Canada has revoked the honorary citizenship awarded in 2007 to Burmese boss A.S.S. Kyi over her complicity in the genocide in the west of her country.
The Burmese army still insists that it is just persuading illegal migrants from Bangladesh to go home.

Doomed to disappointment either way
An insurance company has found that 56% of its grandparent customers have decided to take their money and enjoy it rather than leave it to their (grand)kids. Snoflakes see that as another reason to blame their elders for creating a world in which they can't cope.
    Being snoflakes, they can't grasp the simple truth that they will never see the money anyway. If their grandparents don't spend it on themselves, then the government will find ways to steal it and waste it on some damn fool notion like H2S.
“50% of millennials don't save, according to one of those surveys. Which explains why they are so reliant on an inheritance. A bit like the children of ancient aristocrats, who could get away with not paying anyone if they had great expectations following the death of their father.” G.W.

Q: Are J.C. Druncker and D. Tusk really the same person?
A: Druncker is from Luxembourg and he has been the president of the European Commission since 2014. Tusk is Polish and he's the president of the European Council. They are both failed politicians who have made a new career with a hand in the pocket of the Europeon taxpayer, and they are therefore interchangeable figureheads.

Who's not going sober for October?
EC president J.C. Druncker has to be one of them if he thinks British planes won't be allowed to land at airports in EU countries following a WTO Brexit.

Same gloom, slightly different tune
The global warming swindlers have changed their tune – they're telling gullible politicians that we're all doomed if we can't limit any rise in global temperatures to 1.5 deg.C rather than their earlier 'out of thin air' figure of 2 deg.C.
    Never forget, Comrades, that anyone who tells you he/she can make significant changes to the global climate is a fraudster who is out to steal money and quality of life from you.
“Okay, the truth is out. They've shoved in a decimal point because everyone knows that fiddled figures look much more scientific with one.” A.B.E.

Pests on different wheels
It's bad enough having to dodge yobs on bikes on the pavement. Pedestrians on the mainland of Europe is now plagued by an epidemic of shared electric scooters. The idea is similar to the Boris Bikes of London but there are no docking stations for the scooters. As a result, they are just dumped in everybody's way when the user has finished with them.
    Worse, in addition to yobs charging about recklessly on pavements, they also do it on main roads, hogging bus and taxi lanes and weaving in and out of traffic with gay abandon. Spain is having particular problems with the scooters, which were introduced there in 2014. Four years on, there are still no laws regulating their use and Barcelona has banned them in the interests of protecting its vital tourist trade from 'rear-ending'.

Be very afraid, you Snoflakes!
One of the latest fads in the US is for oldies (60 and up) to buy infusions of plasma separated from the blood of youngies at a cost of $8,000 for a pint and a half.
    According to Drs. Frankenstein who have been experimenting on mice and fish, the younger plasma contains proteins which rejuvenate older specimens of the species concerned to some extent.
    If the idea takes off, millennials will have to put up with their seniors trying to live forever or until their cash runs out. And if there are not sufficient volunteers to meet the demand for full-of-pep blood, the world's police forces could find themselves having to deal with a plague of bodies of yobs who were disappeared, drained of blood and dumped. But not in Russia and other totalitarian states, of course, where preservation of waxworks is state policy.

Surprise! MI5 has had authorization to kill, maim and torture enemies of the state since 1989 (if not earlier). Predictably, the people who make a living out of keeping terrorists out of gaol are upset by the threat to their livelihood.

Backs not scratched?
Oh, dear! It's only the dark forces of the Security Service which are keeping Jezzer Corbyn out of Downing Street, according to one of the bosses of the nation's trade unions, which expect to do very nicely, thank you, out of any Labour government.
    But there could be an alternative theory about where the 'dark forces' are based. It's possible that a few honest coppers are conspiring to prevent a cosy money laundering scheme, under which a Labour government makes union membership compulsory for all, cash floods in to the unions' coffers and they reward their benefactors with eye-watering donations to Labour party funds.

More dark forces
J.C. Druncker's understrapper, who's known as The Monster, is manoeuvring to split Northern Ireland out of the UK and hand it to the Irish Republic as part of Britain's punishment for daring to leave the EU. As the guy is German, could there also be a touch of revenge on the country which won the war which we're not supposed to mention?

Barclays Bank is in trouble over the activities of its consumer lending division, which has been accused of involvement in high-pressure selling of unaffordable loans. Banksters are still with us.

The (Chinese) president of Interpol has disappeared. It is suspected that he was lured back to China so that the government there could kidnap him. Sometimes, real life is too bizarre to believe.

Robots in the classroom will give every pupil an Eton-level education within 15 years, the experts reckon. That's going to be really popular with the Blob and its anti-Tory agenda.

The Prime Minister has revealed an unsuspected pragmatic streak. She has decided that the best way to make herself popular is to promise to spend lots of money the country doesn't have. After all, it works for J. Corbyn.

We don't want to know
An opinion polling company has been busy in Scotland for the last few months, and their results suggest that politicians are wasting a lot of other people's money to no purpose [Surprise! Ed.]
    In June, 60% of Scots wanted to stay in the EU and 53% wanted to stay in the UK. Three months later, the numbers were exactly the same. The pollsters put this down to people choosing not to listen when politicians and special interest groups start banging on about something. The failure of Project Fear with its silly dire predictions is getting a lot of blame.
Pollsters reckon the ratio of Leave to Bremain supporters is pretty much unchanged since the referendum in 2016 despite all the subsequent sound and fury.

Public Service Announcement He's been called the Blogger of the Decade His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

WEEK 2

 
Despair, Comrades!
Oh, Jeremy Corbyn has gone soft on his Jezzer Gazm promise to put everyone on a 4-day week but pay us for 5 days' work. Just when the unions were getting ready to campaign for 5 days' pay for 3 days' work, too. Life is so unfair!

Good morning, I believe you have a skeleton in your closet
Bild has doorstepped one of Adolf Hitler's great-nephews, who lives in the US? BFD! As the guy is only 68 years old, he is too young ever to have met the notorious member of the Hitler family and everything he knows about Great-uncle Addie is just hearsay. But newspapers do need something to go between the ads during the Silly Season.

Things can only get worser
The police farces of England and Wales are on course to break the 2,000,000 barrier in the field of reported crimes which were ignored, official figures released by one-half of them have confirmed.

“Manchester U.'s students seem to be stuck in the spotlight. It will be interesting to see if the ones doing Al Jolson hands instead of clapping also black their faces to be even more authentic in their virtue-signalling gesture.”

Q: How many Saudi secret agents does it take to torture, murder, dismember and disappear a dissident who was foolish enough to visit the regime's embassy in Istanbul?
A: 15.

Things have got worser
The disappeared Chinese president of Interpol has been obliged to resign from the job and he is now under investigation for bribery and corruption in China. Interpol has been careful to point out that the job of the president is purely cosmetic and it is the general secretary who does all the heavy lifting.

No surprise that Petrov the Poisoner, who went to Salisbury on a murder mission in March, has been outed as a GRU agent called Mishkin. He's a doctor but being Russian, he's excused the Hippocratic Oath.

How desperate is the EU getting if it tries to pass off the drunken staggers of its EC president as something comparable to the elegant dance moves of our prime minister?

A response to the panic attack by the GWS on a junket in South Korea has been formulated: “Thank you for your input but we are perfectly happy to have a world which is a bit warmer and we can cope with it.”

Are mental health problems in children really six times more common than they were at the end of the 1990s? A more likely explanation is that the 'experts', many self-proclaimed, are just better at creating labels for fugitive conditions.

Death Walks Behind You
We need to be very afraid that the prime minister has created a Minister for Suicide. Why? Because civil servants, being naturally awkward sods, are bound to see the ministry's job as encouraging people to commit suicide. And they may even arrange some suicides if they feel that they are in danger of not receiving a productivity bonus because natural selection is not working fast enough.
“We need to be even more afraid as the Suicide Minister is on record as being against letting old people squat in homes which are too big for them. Worse, she doesn't think they should be allowed to pass the inheritance on their children, which makes her sound like a Corbynite infiltraitor rather than a proper Tory.”

The German car industry has finally realized that the activities of the GWS and their carbon dioxide obsession are a threat to jobs; something that's even bigger than Brexit without a no-tariff deal with the UK. The Danes, however, have decided to splurge on the GWS agenda. One of their bright ideas is to make it illegal for homes built before 2000 to have a fireplace, and require anyone who buys such a property to rip it out.

Category 4 Hurricane Michael is on course to become the strongest to hit the Florida Panhandle in recorded history. The official view on the second Wednesday of the month was that anyone who didn't evacuate had left it too late and it was time to hunker in their bunker. No doubt we shall get the leavings of the storm in due course. Mercifully, we shall be spared the 145 mph winds predicted around the hurricane's eye.

Shuffling deckchairs
The NHS has removed waste disposal contracts from a firm which had to store body parts and other nasties because there isn't enough incinerator capacity in the country to destroy them.
    The NHS has awarded the contracts to another company, which won't be able to dispose of the stuff because there isn't enough incinerator capacity.
    There's stoopid, and there's public sector bureaucrap stoopid.

Hate! Hate! Hate!
Crumbs! A British expert working in Washington reckons that there is so much hatred sloshing around in the United States that if the Democraps try to impeach President Trump, it will be 1861 all over again. [That's when the 2nd American civil war boiled over. Ed.]

History repeated
Labour's appalling substitute chancellor has unveiled a new guiding principle for a future looney left government. "The greater the mess, the more reckless we need to be." Clearly, no one has told him that Gordon F. Broon has already tried this, and we all know the magnitude of the mess he left behind when he was shuffled out of office. But then, we know that no one, especially politicians, learns from the blunders of the past.

Right on, you real comrades!
The Labour party requires its staff to identify with the poor by accepting jobs with limited hours and miserable rates of pay, and by using food banks to make ends meet. No virtue is ever left unsignalled.

More history repeated
Is there no end to the ingenuity of motor manufacturers? Is there no end to their inability to get away with cheating? The latest scandal is the practice of fitting specially beefed up parts to vehicles used in mandatory crash tests. The latest failing is allowing parts labelled 'for crash testing only' to be photographed.

Bloke with a K who isn't going to have it removed for rank cowardice of the month — C. Mackey, current deputy commissioner of the police of the Metropolis, who cowered in his car whilst a junior officer was being murdered at the Commons by a crazed Islamist.
Predictably, the waxworks of the Establishment are closing ranks about the shamed top copper and claiming that the rules and expectations for being a copper don't apply to him.

Whxt Thx Fxck? Job done!
How do you upset both women and men who think they're women? The Wellcome Collection, a museum in London, managed to do it by inventing the word 'womxn' for its website in the interests of inclusivity.

Your fault, you pay
A boss of NHS England has come up with an interesting idea for sticking it to those who are to blame. As antisocial meeja companies cause mental health problems in children, they should be taxed to pay for the NHS treatment needed, our expert has concluded.

Dream on . . .
The experts want everyone to be chucked out of their home for two weeks while the place is fitted with external insulating cladding (remember Grenfell Tower?) and all gas fires, cookers and central heating boilers are ripped out and scrapped.
    All this is in the name of cutting carbon dioxide emissions as required by the Climate Change Act (2008), for which Edstone Milipede is to blame. All this is utterly pointless in view of the HUGE amounts of carbon dioxide emitted in the Orient.
    There are two small snags associated with this brilliant plan — how is the country going to be able to afford it? And are the owners going to be able to afford to live in the revamped homes after they have been fettled up? Three small snags — are there enough cowboys qualified to do the work?
“Four small snags — Is there enough local secure storage capacity for the entire contents of all these houses? Or are the residents expected to leave all their worldly goods at the mercy of the cowboys sent round by the government to do the eco-refit?” S.E.
“Never mind the stuff, are there enough places to stay for all the displaced persons during their 2-week enforced holiday? And will they stand for being parted from their TVs, pay TV satellite and cable contracts, and their internet connections? And what about all the stuff in all those fridges which won't keep for 2 weeks?” V.B.

A study by Ofcom, the TV regulator, has found that viewers have become significantly more po-faced and humourless than they were in the prime years of TV comedy some 40-50 years ago.

Here & Gone
Apparently, President Trump visited Britain earlier in the year. The reason why hardly anyone noticed is that the visit coincided with the World Cup and various music festivals.
    Oh, yes. And the nation's police farces spent £18,000,000 on security for the visit. [Mainly on locking up trouble-makers? Ed.]

Aptly named
A teacher in Minnesota is in trouble for posting an online death threat to the newly appointed US Supreme Court judge, B. Kavanaugh, for the Twits on Twitter. Apparently, her spelling was dreadful. A poll found that around 60% of American independents disapproved of the way the Democraps handled their smear campaign of the Republican judge, which came as something of a shock to the Democraps. They have also managed to upset the FBI with accusations of an incompetent investigation of the judge.

President Trump has blamed the Federal Reserve Bank's crazy policy on interest rates for the stock market's nose dive.

Big and brash
Hurricane Michael's fans are really building it up. It barely qualified as a hurricane on the Tuesday before it made landfall in the southern US with winds of 90 mph. Less than 33 hours later, the wind speed had been ramped up to 155 mph. No doubt the GWS are rubbing their hands over the 72% increase in wind speed and claiming that we're all even more doomed. Meanwhile, we'll have to wait to see if the Guinness Book of Records includes Michael in a future edition.

WEEK 3

 
A surfeit of windmills
The BBC is hoping to abolish a perceived heteronominative culture, in which being heterosexual is considered the norm. Future initiatives are expected to tackle gravity, under which the default direction of falling is down; daylight, for which the norm is being able to see where you're going without artificial light; hunger, to which the default response is having something to eat, and anything else the looney left can think of. Apart from, of course, anything the looney left think is the norm.

Q: Does Northern Ireland still get the £1 BILLION bonus for supporting the Tories if the DUP votes against the budget?
A: It's highly likely that the province will get the lion's share of it, if not the whole lot, through some backstage deal.

Getting on a bit
The 50p coin is now 50 years old, and smaller than it was in the good old days pre-decimalization. As with anything new, there were gangs of objectors who tried to kill off the idea of a metal replacement for the good old ten bob note.
   One of the objections was that there would be some people around (e.g. MPs stoned out of their mind on subsidized booze) who wouldn't be to tell a larger, 7-sided coin from a smaller, round two-bob bit; or the 10p coin as it became in later life. Which totally ignores the fact that anyone who really couldn't tell the difference wasn't competent to handle money anyway.

Sounds like a good way to kill off surface mail
The prime monster is making noises about getting postmen to chat up the elderly to find out if they're lonely and give them advice if they are. Next thing you know, the unions will be demanding huge pay rises for the social work addition to the job, people will stop using the Royal Mail and all the postal staff will end up redundant, at home and needing a postman to call round to ask if they're lonely;.

The Burger King fast-food chain has been named and shamed for naming and shaming staff who fail to persuade enough customers to upsize to large, obesity-promoting portions.

The latest Saudi position on the disappearance of the dissident and voluntary exile J. Khashoggi is that he died on them during an interrogation at their consulate in Istanbul. Which was conducted by a team of 15 rogue agents, which included a forensic pathologist, who just happened to have a corpse-demolishing bone saw about his person.

Hate! Hate! Hate!
Verbally abusing old people [that's anyone aged 60 or more. Ed.] is next on the list of additions to the cosmetic hate crimes, which the nation's police farces use as an excuse for not pursuing thieves and other real criminals.

MPs are trying to bully the over-inflated Squeaker, Berko, into quitting for bullying his staff. And investigation by a 'respected' lawyer [would they have used an unrespected one for the job? Ed.] has put Berko at the top of the League of Shame of House of Common Criminals bullies.

Have they nothing useful to do?
Those bloody meddling MPs want everyone to stump up another 5p for a bottle of wine so they can 'treat' alcoholics. But is it the job of our elected representatives to buy drinks for serial boozers? No danger of their having anything added to the subsidized prices of their own booze, of course.

Historical Revision Department
Archeologists in Pompeii are trying to convince their colleagues that the city was devoured by Mount Vesuvius two months after the currently accepted date of 0079/08/22. Their argument is that they have found a charcoal inscription (with no year) which was made on October 17th, the inscription isn't likely to have lasted long (if not covered by volcanic ash), the eyewitness accounts left by Pliny the Younger are all obtained from mediaeval copies of originals which have vanished, and various versions of them give dates for the eruption between August and November in 79 A.D.

Oozing to the top
The best way to become an inspector of constabulary for the police farces of England and Wales is to resign under a cloud to prevent an investigation of bullying or some other form of misconduct. An episode like that on your CV is an instant winner with the waxworks at the Home Office.
The Greater Manchester Police mouthpiece has been on local TV to advise customers that in future, the service will be purely cosmetic. But some advice on how not to fall for online scams will be available.

Shape up — no excuses accepted
Be warned — serious illness will not be taken into consideration in future. Not now that the Health Department has ordered GPs to instruct all patients to take regular exercise or else!

Worsest of the Worst
Oxford Road railway station in Manchester has topped the list for trains late or cancelled. 68% of them, at the latest count, didn't show up on time or didn't bother to show up at all. Is our cosmetic mayor, the Stafford Hospital Guy, going to do anything about it? [clue: nope. Ed.]

Customers visiting the nation's parks are requested to feed lettuce leaves to the ducks as bread is not part of their natural diet and the leftovers clog up ponds and lakes.

Cosmetic employment
The Food Police are trying to reduce the size of pies and pizzas in the name of battling against the obesity plague. Now as of yet, there appears to be no strategy for preventing people from eating two smaller pies/pizzas instead of one larger one.
If the size-reduction plan succeeds, customers have no expectation that prices will go down in proportion; mainly because the Food Police are generally no more effective than the Police Police.

Stoned, Immaculate!
The production and sale of cannabis sativa and products based on it is now legal in Canada, and T'ronno has become the weed capital of the world.
    The next logical step is to make the regular consumption of pot compulsory in line with the current government's policies of diversity and inclusivity.

The BBC is attempting to weasel out of its obligation to provide free TV licences for those aged 75 or over.

He's a wrong 'un but they don't care
The Labour party's MPs are prepared to keep the Commons Squeaker Berko in place for as long as they can because of his bias toward them. In return, the nation's nasty party is prepared to overlook Berko's bullying and other major character defects if it will give the Corbynites a political advantage.
    Another argument put forward by Labour's air-heads is that we need Berko in place to bring about Brexit. The race is now on to work out what they think Berko has which means that Brexit would be impossible to achieve without him sneering at it in the HoCC.

More hate
Police farces are having to ignore a couple of million real crimes every year because they are too busy logging imaginary hate crimes to have time for anything else.
    The Home Office now has special teams coming up with new hate crime categories and special consequences teams coming up with offshoots of the new hate crimes. Thus the move to make misogyny a hate crime has been teamed with misandry for crimes against men and mismxery for don't knows.
“The hate crime community has to be planning for the day when hate criminals become the majority in society and the police will be obliged to persecute the minority who are not active hate criminals for one reason or another.” G.W.
“Why do we never see coppers on street patrol any more? Because they're all sat in front of a computer pretending that insulting tweets aimed at people who deserve them are hate crimes.” A.L.
“Even worse, they're trawling for non-hate crimes to bloat their sham statistics even further with almost hate crimes.” G.B.F.
“‘I perceive your actions as motivated by hatred and I shall be reporting you to my local police service as a hate criminal.’ That's what you should tell vexatious accusers as the law says you only have to perceive something to be a hate crime; it doesn't actually have to be one.” B.M.

Brainless BG; or did he just think he was fireproof?
A crook reported that someone had stolen his Porsche, and ended up being done for the 19 stolen cars, which he had been renting out to other criminals. No danger of Mr. Patel being deported when he completes his cosmetic gaol sentence, of course. The 'uman bluddy rights of criminals are far too precious to our legal community.

London's cosmetic mayor wants the PM to end reckless austerity measures. Perhaps he could be invited to get into his time machine, go back a decade or two and persuade Gordon F. Broon not to do the reckless spending which made the austerity measures necessary.

The Twat of the Month Award has to go to the Lidl cashier who refused to sell a bottle of booze to a couple who had their daughters with them. Proof of age was demanded for the elder daughter (who's 14) and the cashier refused to process the sale when none was available.
   The award has to be shared by the store's manager, who called the police to evict the frustrated customers, and also by the management of the Lidl chain, who think the stoopid cashier did nothing wrong.
    A strong contender for this month's award was the PM, who is pretending to be neutral on the notion of extending the Brexit transition period for another year to find out if she can get away with it.
“Giving the EU extra time to come to terms with Brexit will be a complete waste of time. The EU has had 2 years and wasted them, just as the EU would waste any further time awarded to it.” E.H.
“It's even worse than that. By the time the present transition period runs out, the waxworks of the EU will have spent FOUR years showing bad faith to our incompetent civil servants. If they've not agreed a deal which is good for Britain by then, giving them an extra 6 months, 12 months or even two more years will be a complete waste of time and BILLIONS of POUNDS of our money.” J.M.

The Hero of the Month Award goes to L. Lewis (Cons. MP for New Forest East), who raised the question at PMQs of who would build a hard border in Ireland given that the government of the Irish Republic wouldn't do it and neither would the British government.

You can get an hour's free parking at a car park in Leeds if you can scare up 15 plastic bottles of capacity 500 ml or more at 20p a go.

Audi has been fined €1 BILLION by a court in Munich for cheating on emissions tests. Who sez pollution doesn't pay? Kerching!

The Football Association has failed in its attempt to sell Wembley Stadium to some Yank zillionaire.

The News in Quickies
Crisis-torn Saudia Arabia has thousands of British MPs in its pockets, a careless reader of the headlines on the third Friday of the month might have gathered. In fact, it was thousands of pounds going into the pockets of somewhat fewer MPs; just 38 of them, in fact. [Or maybe more. Ed.]

Timeless concept
According to the Votes For Wimmin terrorist E. Pankhurst, 'the argument of a broken window pane is the most valuable in modern politics'. It will be interesting to see if members of the National Federation of Butchers and Meat Trade Employees take this advice to heart and start smashing the windows of supporters of global warming frauds in the cause of letting them know that a ban on meat consumption is socially unacceptable.

Shape up or be left out
The sometime head of the US armed forces, General D. Petraeus, has issued a warning that Britain will not be allowed to join in future American wars if we fail to squish the crooked lawyers who are exploiting bad 'uman bluddy rights laws to persecute members of Britain's armed forces and steal billions from the taxpayer.

Active censorship
Creators of word processing programs are having to do a rewrite of their Tools options to ensure that customers are presented with alternatives to all words containing the bad letter combination 'man', which will have to be replaced by the much more acceptable 'mx'. At first, the change will be optional, but this will endure only until legislation has been rushed into place to make it mxdatory.
    There is a debate on-going as to whether the plural 'men' should also be replaced by 'mx' or whether some alternative should be found, e.g. 'mxx'. A mouthpiece for the Ministry of Truth said: "It is less than helpful for opponents to the language revision process to label its supporters as mxxtally deficient."
   Software writers are now looking forward to the job security of further developments, e.g. the prospect of having to create censorship routines for other bad letter combinations with inclusivity denial potential. What, for instance, could they offer as an alternative to a world like 'fundamxxtal', which discriminates against people with no sense of fun?
   This is one which is expected to run and run.

The BS/VS Merchant of the Decade Award goes to Kimberly-Clark, the firm which sells Kleenex tissues, for abolishing their mxsize products on the basis of complaints from 5 idiots.

The bosses @ InYerFaceBuk have gone out of their tiny minds. They've given a job to discarded former Trivial Democrat MP Clueless Clegg.
“If ever two entities deserved each other, it's InYerFace and Clammity Clegg.” D.C.
“Apparently, C'lammity Clegg has been employed as a spin doctor. InYerFace is going to listen to what he says and then do the exact opposite.” P.A.

We can take it!
“Are we terrified of a Corbynite-led government in Britain? Not really. Whoever gets in, the same bunch of clueless civil servants will still be screwing things up behind the scenes and no one will notice that much difference in practice.” T.M.

Tell 'em anything; someone might believe it
The latest version from the Saudi regime's Russian PR guy is that the dissenter and Washington Post columnist J. Khashoggi died during an illegal mixed martial arts event, which was being held at the consulate in Istanbul. Some 18 organizers, participants and spectators have been arrested to make it look like the Saudi regime is taking it a bit seriously.

There's always a problem with any sort of weather
Months of little rainfall have left the river Rhine at record low levels and shipping companies have been forced to suspend operations for some cargo craft for fear that they might run aground.
   Another spin-off has been the discovery of all sorts of junk in the exposed areas of river bed, including a small wartime bomb at Cologne; just a mere 50 kg; which will require all the pantomime of a defusing operation.
   Germany's farmers, who are lining up to claim federal benefits because the drought has blighted their crops, are not happy about competition from the shipping companies.

The Freedom Party of Austria is under pressure to drop its opposition to a referendum, which is expected to deny people the freedom to smoke in bars and restaurants.
The Austrian government is upsetting the Italians by offering dual citizenship to the German-speaking majority in South Tyrol. The Italians see this as a threat of Sudetenland proportions and they are mindful of the way Russia grabbed back Crimea from Ukraine four years ago.

WEEK 4

 
How to lie with weasel words
Blackpool struck by four earthquakes after fracking resumed in Lancashire? As they were detectable only by extremely sensitive instruments in an area subject to tiny ones all year round, it was hardly ‘struck'. Not even a shiver on the surface of a cup of tea.

The Parliamentary Standards Commissioner has decided that expenses fraudsters should be named and shamed again, but bullies and sex pests should remain anonymous. [Got at by the Squeaker? Ed.]

Who cares?
The Europeon and the Japanese space agencies have launched a joint mission in the direction of Mercury to find out, 7 years from now, if craters at the Sun's nearest neighbour's poles are never exposed to sunlight and, therefore, contain water ice.
   But so what if they do? This has to qualify as one of the most pointless space mission elements ever. Surely they could have spent that portion of the cash on something much better.

Gravesend council has put off a fireworks display planned for November 2nd to avoid entertaining the crew of the Russian submarine disguised as a beluga whale, which has been on a spying mission off the town since the last week in September.

A squid supply crisis has meant that most people who think they're scoffing calamari are actually getting batter deployed around a cunningly flavoured mixture of fish mush and starch.

Wasted effort
The wine bottle cork-manufacturing industry of Portugal, a major producer of cork, has fought back against the screw top by inventing a cork with a screw thread, which gives an air-tight reseal. Surprise! People here have been retaining the corks from bottles of spirits, e.g. single malt whiskies like Glenmorangie, for this job for years.

Local councils are being forced to give up the pretence of recycling stuff now that China has stopped taking mixed plastic junk. Which might give some impetus to an inventor who can come up with a use for it, like compacting it into useful objects like temporary planters and road blocks to prevent road hogs making a nuisance of themselves in places like parks.

The medium and the message

“Labour is backing a referendum on whether we should have a referendum. Should they succeed, this will entail another referendum on the questions for the main referendum.” A.B.

Technology Inaction
Here's something that should appeal to all the Garfields in the world. [pussy cat cartoon in the Daily Mail, incredibly lazy. Ed.] A firm selling pizzas in Canada has come up with a box with legs, which turn it into a table so that the contents can be scoffed in bed.
    How someone manages if he/she/don't know is too lazy to get out of bed to get the box from the delivery person at the front door remains unexplained.

MUST start to try
Female writers in Scotland are to receive a good talking to from their MSPs for slacking. Just 18% of the entrants for the BAFTA Scotland writer category this years were women. Scottish Labour in particular is very upset by the lack of effort.

Bremoaners are claiming that 6 million people packed London on the third Saturday of the month to support their cause. The police of the Metropolis reported an unusually heavy shopping day.
As Lord Ashcroft [not the Pantsdown Guy. Ed.] pointed out — The [Bremoaners] want a People’s Vote. So what was 2016, then? A Penguins’ Vote?

Dastardly deeds in Istanbul
“It took just 4 knights to rid a king of a turbulent priest. Nine centuries later, it takes 15 spies to rid a crown prince of a turbulent journalist. You just can't get the help, these days.” K.E.
“Nothing is going to come of all the revulsion. As in Russia, they do things differently in the mediaeval Middle East. And, as with Russia, too much money is at stake for the usual suspects to turn their backs on it in a fit of moral pique.” L.A.
“Accidental death? When the Saudi hit squad brought along a body double, who walked around for a bit in the dead man's still warm clothes wearing a false beard and his watch? [But the wrong shoes. Ed.] It's about time the Saudis sacked their Russian alibi-manufacturer.” V.L.

Mega-Not-Me-Gov
The Labour administration in Wales is in denial about the terminal state of the NHS, which has been going downhill since responsibility for it was devolved to the Labour-controlled Welsh Parliament in 1999.

Dastardly deeds in England
“At least the Tories have the decency to stab a failing leader in the front. Unlike Labour, which always goes for the stab in the back.” G.B.
“What a choice for Tory voters — stab President May in the front and get President Corbyn instead, or sit on their hands and let President May sell out Britain in a Bremoaner deal with the EU.” S.M.

Pure gift horse
If you're a fan of deliberate over-egging, try Grimsby, where there's a waste dump of plastics which the Chinese won't take any more. People living nearby are claiming it's infested with rats. Really? Plastic-eating rats?
    Isn't that the one thing we actually need to save the planet from the Great Plastic Menace? [According to the experts, people are doing a pretty good job of consuming plastics too. Ed.]
“It's official! Eating plastic is going to wipe out the human race so all this crap about global warming doing it doesn't really matter.” E.A.

MPs have decided that pornography is as dangerous to public health as tobacco and should be taxed to the same extent.

The rail unions are going on strike again under a VSBS smoke-screen that it's about safety (VS) and definitely shitely not money (BS).

Fat is Fantastic?
There's a theory going round that the only healthy people in Britain are the fat ones. Anyone who's not fat has a medical condition which suppresses their appetite and prevents them from becoming normal and fat.

A vitally important social survey has discovered that snowflakey millennials who are barely out of their teens take it for granted that marriage should be like a mobile phone contract — something which lasts for a maximum of 24 months and comes with an option to upgrade to a better quality (or newer) partner when the deal runs out.
“Who pays-as-they-go for a one-night stand? Probably the bloke, despite all the equality VS.” D.T.

President Trump reckons that the Saudis carried out the worst ever cover up in recorded history of their murder in the consulate in Turkey. The Russians are reported to be red with jealousy.

Unwanted presents for Democraps
Political opponents who have been bad mouthing President Trump as part of a personal VSBS campaign, and their supporters and financiers, have started receiving mock bombs in the post.
    Apparently, the bombs are being sent to encourage them to abandon cowardly attacks and choose kindness over hatred. The Secret Service, the Feds and local law enforcement are all investigating in usual suspect east coast states. No breakthrough is expected anytime soon.
Conspiracy theorists are wondering if the mad fake bombers might not be backers of the Democrapic party seeking a sympathy vote in the US mid-term elections, which take place in a couple of weeks.
“Is it surprising if Democrap supporters who have been cheeky to President Trump are the only people getting the fake bombs? Not if it's a Democrap bid for a sympathy vote. What advantage would be gained by sending fake bombs to Repubelicans and their supporters?” H.C.

Fake News Rulz OK!
The latest conspiracy theory here is that all the blood-thirsty/curdling threats to stick hot knives into the Prime Minister if she orchestrates a sell-out on Brexit were, in fact, concocted in the cellars of Downing Street.
    The key to this conclusion is that the most outrageous threats were all anonymous and unpindownable on any of the highly visible and vocal Brexiteer lobby.
The saintly Mrs. May, now not about to be lynched by her Brexiteers, is taking this as an excuse to continue to turn a deaf ear to those who urge her to stop the persecution of current and former members of the British armed services for imaginary past crimes by crooked lawyers and supporters of terrorism, like the police 'service' in Northern Ireland.

Right to survive
Bad news for women and children — under modern 'uman bluddy rights laws and equality and diversity legislation, men are entitled to be saved as much as anyone else. Consequently, there will be no more women and children first by law.

Bursting the bubble
Surprise! Some MPs have noticed that the police can't cope and they are becoming irrelevant.
    News Flash: they have achieved irrelevance, largely due to a failure of leadership. The quality of the guidance from the top took a nose dive during the Bliar Years, when top coppers got on if they could do PR and PC BS and tackling crime became just a matter of falsifying the statistics.
The nation's police farces have decided that they can't be bothered with lost property any more. This decision will be legitimized in due course by a campaign to make finders keepers by law.

Keeping Death Off The Roads
The government has decreed that all cars have to be electric by 2032. One small snag — the amount of electricity needed to charge up 30-odd million electric vehicles overnight is an order of magnitude greater than the current maximum output of the power generation industry, and that's with the wind blowing at a speed which turbines can handle and the sun blazing down from a cloudless summer sky.
    As a result, the government will have to ration road use and let only 10% of the nation's cars operate on any given day. Which will have the added benefit of reducing by 90%, pollution from rubber dust cast off by vehicle tyres.
“There will have to be a Public Transport Priority for buses and council bin collection vehicles. Then any power left over will have to be subject to a Commercial Vehicle Priority. Will there be anything remaining for private vehicles. That's doubtful. Looks like the policy will kill off private motoring and put the millions involved in making private cars out of work and on Universal Benefit. Except the ones who live in Germany, of course.” D.F.

Hands-off Culture
As a spin-off from the MeeToo culture, members of the general public are now confronted with the following conundrum. If consent is required before physical contact, is everyone expected to stand idly by with their hands in their pockets instead of giving an unconscious person the Snow White kiss-of-life and/or rib-crunching CPR?

Fast but fake
90% of the ham & pineapple pizzas bought from the Independent chain in the Manchester area don't contain any ham. And the customers are probably lucky to get any genuine pineapple.
    Not that Manchester's city council appears to be bothered. The swindle was spotted by the gang working for the Tonight programme on ITV. Could it be that the council's jobsworths are feeling overwhelmed by the huge numbers of fast-food joints infesting Britain's high streets that they've just given up?

Some will be vanished
China is dealing with its Moslem problem in typical Maoist fashion by locking them up in deprogramming centres. The big problem is that there are millions and millions of Moslems and nowhere near enough secret prison camp places to make the policy anything other than an empty gesture.

Everyone hates you, we don't care
Lord Hain's decision to use parliamentary privilege to name and shame business baron P. Green as the bloke who stopped the Daily Telegraph from publishing Berko-style allegations against him has really upset the legal trade, which can only be a good thing.
    The loudest squeals seem to be emanating from the fancy priced lawyers who get gagging orders through the courts using bogus 'uman bloody rights laws to cover up abuses of real 'uman rights.
Surprise! Hain works for the law firm which works for The Daily Telegrope — so much for a public good defence.

The Austrian Chancellor, S Kurz, has decided that Britain and the EU have no alternative to coming up with a Brexit divorce deal of some sort. So that's that sorted out.
   No doubt Denmark's largest dairy company is taking comfort from this as it stands to lose 16% of its total business if the EU gets too cute.

93% of female complainants about sexual harassment are unable to pronounce the word 'harassment' correctly.

The Electoral Commission has shed its chief executive and three Bremoaner commissioners following a flood of complaints about anti-Brexit bias.

Ex-president Sacrozy is maintaining the dishonourable tradition at the top of French politics. An appeal failed and he will be dragged into court on financial fraud charges.

Good News for everyone over 70
You probably won't be alive when China and the United states go to war in 15 years' time. The former commander of US forces in Europe (now retired) expects that war will be inevitable if China continues its thefts of US intellectual property at the current level.
Crumbs! Just about everyone born in the 20th century should be glad that they will probably be dead by 2080, when the Ed Milipede Memorial Department of Global Warming Swindles is predicting that half of the country will be under water due to rising sea levels.
   This will come about because the country will be unable to afford effective sea defences as the nation's coastlines erode.
    The only good news is that migrants will have an even longer and tougher journey getting here and an even tougher than that time finding somewhere to pitch a tent as there will be no spare housing for them.

Garbage out, but some sucker will buy it!
Someone has shelled out £337,000 for a 'painting' done by a robot directed by an AI system? But was it an actual someone who bought this daub and not another AI proving that it has a sense of humour if no financial sense? “Art, but not as we know it, Jim.”
“Given that the daub was perpetrated by a machine, what's to stop the owner running the program again and creating more versions if they're 'worth' $440,000 a pop?” C.M.

WEEK 5

 
Sorry, you're not good enough
The migration train from Guatemala, Honduras and El Salvador has hit the buffers in Mexico. The authorities there got the hump when the economic migrants turned down the chance to apply for refugee status in Mexico.

One-all on diversity grounds
The bloke who did the rant on the Ryangrounded flight got a lot of stick but going from the newspaper account of their adventure right afterwards, the old lady comes across as obstructive, entitled and just as racialist.

The Chinese government is playing the de-extremismization card with respect to the million or so Moslems held in camps in Xinjiang province. The story is that they're all getting the benefit of an un-Moslem-terroristization programme. With another 25 million to go when the current camp members have been done. Which will take a fair bit of time.
   Sounds almost as credible as Russian and Saudi denials and rogue-agent stories.

Ballet shoes are now being made in brown for use by dark-skinned dancers. This is being done in the name of diversity and it's excellent news for the female relatives of any visiting Little Green Men who might fancy making an exhibition of themselves; they have to have colour matched shoes or else they can sue!

Q: How does one avoid a gaol sentence for drugs offences and keep a job at the House of Common Criminals and remain a member of Haringey council after a slap on the wrist from the courts?
A: Make sure your mother is an MP and one of Jezzer Corbyn's cronies.

Extra-antisocial meeja
Iran seems to be rather good at using InYerFaceBuk to spread alarm and despondency among the customers in enemy countries. The secret of Iran's success? Extensive rebroadcasting of J. Corbyn's doom ‘n' gloom and outrageously inflammatory propaganda messages.

New hope down south
Brazil has acquired a 'Trump of the Tropics' president. J. Bolsonaro is going to crack down on crime and encourage everyone to shoot at criminals, which has got the country's corrupt establishment and left-wing extremists really, really worried.

Sentence of vanishment
The creators of the cartoon series The Simpsons have come up with an interesting response to the antics of a publicity-hungry clown. One of their cartoon characters is of 'South Asian' origin. The moaner has labelled him a caricature [which is what all the cartoon characters are. Ed.]
    Rather than be bothered to engage with an air-head, the Simpsons crew has decided to write this character out. Which has upset the people who wanted them to be edgy and defy conventions and damn the torpedoes.

Mr. Pointless in action
Was there that much point to the Chancellor's Budget speech, given that it was all leaked for Monday's newspapers? Without, mercifully, the dreadful jokes. Politicians with no sense of humour should not attempt it, no matter what their scriptwriters tell them.

The bosses @ DfID are really upset. The Independent Commission for Aid Impact has presumed to trawl through their claims to have saved millions of lives. Worse, the ICAI has had the bad manners to reveal that DfID's claims are full of outrageous lies. But hey! When the policy fails, lie about it. That's Rule Number One in government circles.

What really matters, budgetwise, isn't the stuff which was leaked or displayed in Parliament with the Chancellor's miserable attempts at humour. It's the Gordon Brown dirty tricks in the small print, which the Treasury tries so hard to conceal.

Q: If you're in charge of the Indian state of Gujerat, which is desperately short of schools and hospitals, what do you do with $400 million?
A: Blow it on the world's biggest statue out in the wilds somewhere.

Q: What do you do if you don't have a hobby?
A: Collect every piece of plastic packaging you get for a year and see if it will get your picture in the paper. Next year's activity could be a bit of a problem, though.

Bye-ee!
German Chancellor Angular Mherkle is advising her fans (both of them) to start saving for her retirement present. She has realized that she's not going to win another election and she doesn't want the humiliation of being booted out of office like Gordon F. Brown.
    She will be remembered as one of the main reasons for Brexit and the main reason why Germany is looking for a Trump-like anti-establishment leader.

You're on your own
Residents in Dorset could well be including their local police farce in a national class action for fraud. The Dorset police take a slice of their council tax but they are telling their customers to solve their own crimes because they lack the staff, the technology and the will to do it. Just like the police farce of the Metropolis and lots of others.

Much despised zillionaire businessman P. Green has at least one good quality, for which he deserves praise. He doesn't take crap from Fuk Jon Snow.

Do it again and pretend you mean it this time
People knowing you're a politician is a real handicap. No matter how good a show you put on, almost everyone automatically assumes you're faking it to try to blag votes from those people who don't know any better.
    Thus we might have believed Corbyn's commie Chancellor-substitute weeping crocodile tears about the number of kids being taken into care if we didn't know that the whole country would end up in care if he ever got charge of the Treasury.

The silver lining
If fracking causes Lancashire to disappear into a huge hole in the ground, just think of the benefits this will bring to the rest of the country.
    Post-Brexit, we will be free of pointless EU restrictions on landfill and there will be this huge hole demanding amazing amounts of unwanted landfill-fodder. And when the hole is full, there will be a monster brownfield site where migrants can be parked, easing pressures on the native population.
    Positive thinking is all that's required to make Britain great again. That and keeping Corbyn and his cronies in the political dustbin.

Q: What do you get if you buy a Vauxhall Zafira?
A: A Vauxhall Onfirea mobile barbeque if it's not recalled for a fix.

Below the line mission statement: We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

page top

Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, October MM18.