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Nominations are now open for the annual poll to find the man;
or woman; who put the FU into the UK in 2018

 WEEK 1 

Uncomfortable truth
bullet The chairman of the National Police Chiefs' Council has fired a shot across the bows of the jacks-in-office at the top of the police in England and Wales. The police, she insists, should be directing limited resources at real crimes like burglary and violent assaults rather than moaning about The Cuts and wasting what money is available on recording the details of non-crimes, investigating spurious complaints about hysterical crimes and inventing new imaginary crimes.

bulletThe Corbyn propaganda machine is winning. Only 38% of people feel able to call him anti-Semitic. The rest are either too intimidated to speak out or not bothered by the issue.

bullet Following the sacking of the world-renown writer W. Sitwell from his job on the Waitrose foodie magazine after a pissant moan by a vegan, this month has been declared International Disrespect a Vegan Month.

bullet Voting Labour out of office in 2010 has reduced the number of children living in a home dependent on state benefits by 600,000.

The real world fights back
bullet Transport ministers from the EU states have branded the EU Commission's wish to abolish daylight saving [for the sake of being seen to do something to earn all that pay and free booze. Ed.] just plain unrealistic and liable to create the complication of time zones across Europe; especially between the awkward sods in the Irish Republic and Northern Ireland.
   Needless to say, the idea came from the EC's comic opera president J.C. Druncker.

Italian catastrophe
bullet The storms at the end of October have created chaos up and down Italy, and the bill for fixing all the damage will be in the zillions of euros. Coastal tourist destinations were devastated, heritage sites in Venice were flooded and the storms even managed to write off hundreds of brand new Maserati cars when a huge fire broke out at the port of Savona following an electrical fault caused by flooding.

Halloween howls from museums
bullet The nation's grand museums, including the V&A and the Natural History Museum, have invested in a Bremoaner package. They're moaning that they'll have to close down in the event of a WTO Brexit because the current management won't be able to cope.
    But no closure will be necessary if the obvious course of action is followed — sack all the can't-do parasites and bung in a gang of can-doers.

World of woe
bullet A sports minister in the 'who she?' category resigns in a huff over the failure of the Treasury to do what she wants on the issue of the amount that can be staked in fixed-odds betting machines. Suddenly, it's a HUGE a crisis for the prime minister! But only in the minds of fantasists and newspaper editors rather than real people.

Trump takes a tough line on invaders
bullet Chuck rocks at US troops at the border with Mexico, as you did to Mexican troops, the US president warns the northward marching migrant army, and the troops will open fire. The US has quite enough rock-throwing scumbags without letting more into the country.
    The migrants' claim to be asylum seekers has been undermined by their refusal to settle in Mexico, but they claim that Mexico is run by drug gangs and crooked politicians, just like the countries they come from. Which sounds like they could be extremely picky about the areas of the US where they would be prepared to accept hospitality. Which will do their cause even more damage.
reader comment“Which American president said this, Trump or Obama: 'We simply cannot allow people to pour into the U.S., undetected, undocumented, unchecked and circumventing the line of people who are waiting patiently, diligently, lawfully to become immigrants in this country.'
    “Clue: it was said before anyone had thought of Trump as a presidential candidate.” G.R.

Far Queue symbol The bloke who went to a Halloween party dressed in a blood-stained towel-head outfit with a mock severed hand has been outed as . . . ITV's head of comedy. Which says rather a lot about the state of comedy (is there any?) on ITV.

Far Queue symbol Airline predators Ryangrounded and Wizz Air are both being investigated by the Italian anti-trust watchdog for deliberately misleading customers over true ticket prices via cabin luggage scams.

Far Queue symbol Bunglers at DfID are handing vast amounts of taxpayers' cash to criminals and imposing a significant extra cost on the taxpayer in the form of the big share of the £37 BILLION a year cost of tackling organized crime.

Leap on, leap off
bullet Some police chiefs have jumped on the NPCC lady's bandwagon and supported her desire for police to investigate real crimes instead of the imaginary ones invented by the likes of Labour's D. Abbott. The only downside to this is that the top coppers are liable to leap onto a contrary bandwagon at some point in the future if they think it will have career advantages, which is exactly how New Labour's PC crap was spread in the first place.
update The government is upset by police chiefs jumping on the 'back to basics' bandwagon just when the Cabinet is close to a decision on whether a new post of Minister for Wolf-Whistles will be created at the Home Office or the Environment Department.
reader comment“Point of information – the NPCC lady was playing the Tory Cuts dirge not too long ago as an excuse for not bothering to investigate these crimes she's suddenly so keen on tackling. So her 'outburst' looks like nothing more than some cynical notice me showboating.” A.B.

Boiling hot and dangerous or just a barely measureable change?
bullet Britain's climate is getting a little bit warmer, the Met Office claims, but not to an appreciable degree. It's like these fracking 'earthquakes' we keep hearing about from alarmists; something which can be detected by sensitive instruments but which isn't felt at ground level.
    Natch, the shroud-wavers are fixing on every slight disadvantage and ignoring the benefits of a slightly warmer world. Typical examples include warning that a few elderly people will die prematurely in a slightly warming summer and ignoring the thousands who will be better off in a warmer winter. Cold kills more people than heat, but the GWS don't want to hear that.
reader comment“Deaths of old people in the UK during last winter between December and March were at an 18-year high. No wonder the GWS don't want to hear that.” B.A.

Far Queue symbol Dave the Former Leader is dropping hints that he would like to return to government; once Mrs. May has been seen off; as the Foreign Sec. His big problem is that no one is picking them up.

Whatever you want, we're against it
bullet Jezzer Corbyn is got a taste of his own medicine during the Budget debate from the Bliarites in his party. He ruled that Labour would not vote against raising income tax thresholds. The Bliarites did, knowing that their gesture would be as futile as any of Corbyn's during his long and undistinguished career on the public-sector payroll.
reader comment“Why does the Labour party hate the middle classes and the rich? After all, they pay for everything. It's probably just a case of a socialist being unable to resist biting the hand that feeds it.” N.C.
reader comment“Plus, the rich are a constant reminder of how worthless these socialists are.” P.M.

Infamy — for real!
bullet MP A. Rudd resigned from the job of Home Sec. as a result of deliberately being fed misleading information by her civil servants, an investigation has found. As is customary, no civil servants will be sacked, demoted or otherwise disciplined for choosing not to do the job they're paid to do.

Far Queue symbol The police farce of the Metropolis is investigating leaked claims that the Labour party has been sitting on evidence of anti-Semitism which could amount to criminality. A full and complete dismissal of all charges is expected . . . before the end of the century. [But not long before. Ed.]

More 'Not Me Guv'
bullet The management of the BBC is quite indignant that The News Quiz on Radio Four has been busted for persistent anti-Tory bias. Not our fault, say the BBC bosses. They can't find any right-wing comedians. But as the bosses are the sort of people who think some left-whinger millionaire yelling "Thatcher" is the height of hilarity, it comes as no surprise that they don't know where to look.

Harvest festival
The Grin Reaperbullet Takeaway fast-food joints, bookies and off-licences are getting the credit for reducing the life expectance of the people in their customer zone.
    They are saving the nation a fortune in paying out old age pensions and looking after the helpless aged. An average reduction of life expectancy of 2½ years is being achieved at present.
    The NHS is another beneficiary of these public-spirited servants of the greater good.

Social shift
bullet The management of the NHS has an interesting solution to the problem of bullying, harassment and sheer bad manners in the workplace – letting it flourish. Currently, 40% of doctors think that it is a serious problem. But when the magic figure of 51% is reached, bullying and other bad behaviour will be perceived as the norm and anyone who objects to it can be sacked for being anti-social.

bulletQ: One day we'll wake up and there will be no elephants and we'll ask 'How did that happen?'
bulletA: The same way the dinosaurs became extinct.

Money for nothing
bullet If you have rescue cover with the AA or the RAC for your vehicle, don't expect anything resembling good service and do expect to have to pay someone else to rescue you if you get into trouble.
    There is a regulator for companies which sell policies but none for what sort of service should be delivered. And as both the AA and the RAC have separate selling and rescue divisions, they are comfortable with not delivering on the rescues, knowing there isn't a regulator to slap fines on them.

Gloopy idea!
bullet There are food fads and acts of sheer food lunacy. Grilling a pineapple for 12 hours so that it's 'so tender they you can eat it down to the core' has to take the biscuit as a cruel and unusual punishment for any item of fruit.
    The core of a properly ripe pineapple can be eaten without cooking. It's a bit chewey but our expert assures us it definitely does not need to be cooked for 12 hours.

Fair has to mean fair (unless the political Establishment is involved)
bullet Funding for political votes, we are told, should be open and transparent. It should also be fair, but you'll never get politicians to agree to that. Which means that even if the minor part of the Leave campaign in the Brexit referendum got £8 million from the Russians, that doesn't match the over £9 million which Dave the then Leader spent on his propaganda leaflet and all the rest of the government's Bremain spending.
bulletPropaganda spending:
Remain : £28.4 MILLION
Leave : £13.4 MILLION
Not exactly fair.

DfID Dolts Strike Again
bullet Where did the £330 MILLION which India spent on their world's biggest statue come from? Out of the £1,200 MILLION of overseas aid handed out by our stoopid government. And the change? Well, the Indians do have a space programme to run, which we pay for.

bullet Prince Chuck is 'tackling' Britain's part in the slave trade? Wouldn't it be nice if the leaders of the African countries where slaves were rounded up and flogged off to Arabs and Europeans did the same? After all, without the active co-operation of their ancestors, there wouldn't have been a slave trade in the lower second half of the second millennium.

Feeling left out
bullet Some of the five million people living in the UK and the EU held a Bonfire Night demo in London in an attempt to get our PM to safeguard the post-Brexit citizenship rights of Europeons living in the UK and Brits living in the EU. They are calling upon Mrs. May to do the decent thing and ring-fenced their rights regardless of the outcome of the Brexit negotions.
    They are not bothering to demonstrate in Brussels and other European capitals because they know that the Europeon Establishment always operate in bad faith and wouldn't do the decent thing to save their own lives.

Far Queue symbol The Swiss have the right idea. As a result of an initiative launched by the Swiss People's Party in 2016, those caught begging in the streets of towns in Vaud canton face a fine of 100 francs (£77) when caught, which has led to protests from the professional beggars' trade association.

Far Queue symbol The Justice Ministry, prop. D. Gauke, has included a new stealth tax in the budget. From April 2019, the probate fee – currently £215 for DIY customers and £115 for those using a solicitor – and a fee to cover the cost of the work done; will become an extension of death taxes based on the value of the estate.
   This is the sort of slimy trick which we have come to expect from the likes of Gordon F. Broon and George 'Ten Jobs' Osborne. If the scam gets through Parliament, it will cost the Tories a lot of votes. Not to mention a lot of cash support.

Boo-bloody-hoo! Too!
KFO bullet What's the latest whinge from some boo-hoo bugger? Someone contributed a recipe for a traditional Persian dish containing Indian spices to a supermarket magazine. Next thing you know, some Iranian got the hump and called the cookery experiment casual racism.
    That's Iranian, not Persian, so who cares what he thinks, right?
[Many thanks for our archivist for reviving the graphic from May 2004. Ed.]

What happened?
cell bars One day, we were being told that it would take a generation to halt the violent crime wave in London. The next, London's comic opera mayor was tossing 10 years around. What will it be tomorrow? Six months?
    All is revealed to those with the fortitude to continue with the political puff. Bus driver's son Mr. Khan thinks 10 years is a generation rather than 30 years. Clearly, he did a lot of bunking off when he should have been at school.

bullet The human TV audience for the tediously PC token female Dr. Who has shrunk by one-quarter. No figures are available for aliens.

bullet Women who need to be kept alive with CPR are running increasingly out of luck. Most men won't do it in case they are accused of 'inappropriate touching'. And, surprisingly, women are even less keen to do a spot of sisterly life-saving.

bullet This month, equality reached a historic mark — the retirement age for females has caught up with that for males. The state pension age is now 65 for both, and it will rise to 66 in 2020.

Far Queue symbol The Electoral Commission, a proven haven for Bremoaners, is going after A. Banks because it suspects that part of the Leave campaign got foreign cash via him. No sign of a similar investigation of the Remain campaign for taking money directly from foreign meddler G. Soros.

 WEEK 2 

Whither France?
Far Queue symbol Our neighbours across the English Channel have tried left-wing, right-wing and centre-ground governments. The verdict of the people is that they have all been merde. Maybe that should be 'wither France'. Unless there's another alternative which no one has thought of before.

Virtual cross purposes
bullet The director general of Cairo's Grant Egyptian Museum would like us to ship the Rosetta stone to him and put a VR replica on display in the British Museum in its place.
    He thinks that the existence of virtual reality technology means that there is no need for the stone to be in Britain. Which ignores the converse, namely that by his own argument, there is no need to move it to Cairo if VR is so great.

Crass purposes
bullet White people are being told that they can't talk about race. Why? They don't have an opinion worth sharing because they don't know that it means to be black. The trouble is, they are being told this by black racialists, who don't know what it means to be white and, therefore, have opinions which are not worth sharing. Not that it ever stops them from sounding off, of course.

Home office minister goes out of his tiny mind
bullet B. Wallace thinks that driver-only trains will deprive the nation of guards, who can tell at a glance if a kid on a train is a drug mule. Where do they get these people from?
reader comment“Like any self-respecting train guard is going to look at a 12-year-old kid with the Scotland Yard Nonce Squad still looking for business to justify its existence.” L.M.

Blue for blood
bullet If exposure to blue light is as good as drugs for bringing down elevated blood pressure, does that mean that everyone who used a mobile phone with a screen or a tablet PC is getting the benefit of this phenomenon?
    Probably not if doctors are recommending just half an hour of blue light treatment at a time. The amount of time that addicts spend with their phones and tablets is more than likely enough to give them zero BP if they fail to take occasional breaks!

Planet-size ego
bullet Okay, Sir D. Attenborough is an icon but that doesn't mean he can't spout total bollocks. Humans have become the greatest threat to the health of the planet? But planets don't have health.
    Was the Earth healthier when it was hotter and populated by dinosaurs? Nope. Was it healthier when it was a frozen ice-ball? Nope.
    What Sir D. really means is that humans are doing things which he doesn't like. But does the planet care what he thinks? Nope.

bullet How do you prevent a celebrated BBC radio presenter from speaking at an Oxford U. do? Threaten to no-platform her for having views which snoflakes won't listen to and make her decide she's washing her hair that night.

International 'Eat Two Cakes Day' is nearly upon us . . .

International 'Eat Two Cakes Day' celebration

It's everywhere
bullet Nice to know the crime wave isn't just confined to London. The gangs mainly stab people in London. In Malmö in Sweden, they use guns. According to police statistics, fewer shots have been fired this year compared to corresponding periods in 2016 and 2017. Which might just mean that the BGs are getting a bit more accurate . . .

Those bloody Russians – can't get on with anyone
bullet The Austrians, one of Russia's few allies in Europe, made a bit of a stink about an army officer, who has been spying for the Puntinocracy for decades. Next thing you know, the Austrian government was grovelling to the Russkies and hoping that finding the spy wouldn't affect bilateral co-operation in the future. No wonder Putin thinks he can get away with anything.

bullet The Republicans are in full hue and cry mode in Florida, where they are accusing the Democraps of trying to steal the election for the state's governor. The controversy is not helped by certain election officials choosing to hide information about the number of votes cast and counted such that the Republicans had to go to a state judge to get access to the information.

bullet Jo Johnson said in his letter of resignation from the job of transport minister that his departure from the Cabinet was not an attempt to oust TheRazor May. Analysts are concluding that there is an implication that if it does happen, however, it will be a bonus.

“I wouldn't like the United Utilities phone bill!”
bullet Our Romiley correspondent writes on the second Saturday of the month : “Water pressure unusually low in the morning. I walked past a stretch of roadside kerb where water was gushing up through the gaps when I went out for a morning paper.
    “There were two UU vans on the site, one with a small digger attached to the back of it, and the blokes had deployed a set of traffic lights to isolate a section of the northern carriageway of the main road through the village.
    “When I was on the way back home with my newspaper, the blokes were still hanging around and doing nothing. Filled the kettle when I got home.
    “The first phone call from the UU recorded voice told me there had been a leak and apologized for the inconvenience. The next two were to tell me that there were people at work fixing the problem. Ominously, the next call told me there were, in fact, two leaks and I was advised to store some water in case they had to turn off the supply to fix the leaks; which didn't happen.
    “The final call came at around 8:15 p.m. to announce that the work had been completed and thanking me for my patience.
    “You're welcome, UU!”
AFTERTHOUGHT This is a lot better than UU did with the last leak on our main road. That one took over a month to fix. GK how much expensive treated water vanished down drains from that one.

Thought for Remembrance Sunday
reader comment“Contrast all the pomp and ceremony of the 100th anniversary of the end of World War I, and the tributes to our veterans, with the persecution of those veterans still living by the Police Service of Northern Ireland, crooked solicitors and sections of the British government, and it's easy to understand what the concept of DoubleThink is all about.” C.M.X.
reader comment“The message coming from the world's political leaders, who are on jaunts to France this weekend, is that a gulf is opening between nationalism and libertinage, and some of the common people are posing a direct threat to the perks and predations of the political Establishment.” R.D.

SNP has it in for red squirrels?
bullet Conservation groups in Scotland are worried that the Scottish government will let red squirrels become extinct there post-Brexit. With our exit from the EU just months away, the conservationists are alarmed that the SNP government has made no effort to replace the funding they receive from the EU which, of course, comes from British taxpayers — after the EU has skimmed a share off it to pay the wages of pointless bureaucraps.
    No cash, no squirrels, is the message from the conservationists.

The planet fights back?
bullet Those who claim that the planet is a living entity, which is under threat from human activities, will be overjoyed to learn that around 50% of the countries in the world have gone into population decline. Birth rates are no longer high enough to replace their current populations.
    Which is good news for anyone struggling to find a parking space or somewhere to live.

Tommy Atkins, drop dead
bullet There's a world of difference between the amount of military appreciation that goes on at NFL and CFL matches and the six or seven decades of shameful betrayal of our armed forces by successive British governments.
   We have the police in Northern Ireland persecuting service personnel who were sent there to keep the warring natives apart. We have the NI police ignoring the terrorists living among them. Troops who served in any conflict after World War II are at the mercy of corrupt lawyers, who have active co-operation from government departments.
    No wonder the armed forces are short of recruits. Who'd sign up for the treatment on offer today?

Is it really safe to goggle it?
goggle How much data does goggle collect about you?
What do they do with the data?
   [There's not an awful lot you can do with nuffink!]
Does goggle ever attempt to track its users? [Nope]
The evidence says that searching with goggle is 100% safe and secure.

Is this a wreath I see before me?
bullet Oh, Jezzer Corbynski maintained the glorious socialist tradition of looking scruffy at the Cenotaph on Remembrance Sunday. Probably to confirm further his ‘there but not involved' credentials.

You might be; we ain't
bullet According to parts of the insane National Trust charity, we all became common after the first millennium of the current calendar started. This is the only conclusion to be drawn from a decision to label events which occurred in BC years as Before 'Common' Era and events in AD years as 'Common' Era.

Still Jezzer's passenger
bullet Diane ‘The Genius' Abbott is the 2nd most well-known member of the shadow cabinet after J. Corbynsky. Unfortunately, that means that everyone also knows that she's useless and that's why she has the lowest approval rating of the gang.

Far Queue symbol There's an allegedly major Mexican drug cartel leader going on trial in the US. He's called El Chappo. Is that Spanish for 'The Man'?
update Chappo's lawyer raised one of the biggest laughs in legal history when he claimed that his client has been framed for decades by his underlings. Mexican police and politicians, the CIA and the US DEA, the UN and every other agency on the planet.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

 WEEK 3 

Zombie Politicians
bullet The prime minister thought it was a good idea to wheel Cabinet ministers into her lair @ Downing Street one at a time (to prevent collusion and mutual support) and confronted them with a 500-page document containing her suggested Brexit deal.
    The zombies were told they had to read all that bumf on the spot and they couldn't take a copy home. How much would they be able to absorb to take to the next day's full Cabinet meeting? Not enough to offer a sensible opinion, that's for sure.
    A good Cabinet is one which is baffled to a standstill with bumf, seems to be the May philosophy.

Far Queue symbol 'Moderate' Tories are being touted as good people by the PM's pals and Brexiteers are bad, bad, bad. Translation: the ‘moderates', who will take whatever they're given like good cannon fodder, are preferable to people who have views and principles and can think for themselves enough to challenge the political Establishment.
    And something similar applies to Labour, as far as their ‘moderates' are concerned; except that their good zombies are Corbynites and the bad zombie 'moderates' are Blairites, so not a lot of principles to be found anywhere.

NATO is on the way out
bullet The French and the Germans are dead set on forming a Europeon army – under their control, natch – because the French president sees the US as an enemy as dangerous as Russia or China. The outgoing German chancellor sees an EU army as a way of welding other potential leavers to the main body. This is a certain recipe for the US to drop Europe if the Europeons continue to refuse to pay their fair share of NATO costs. Then everyone will win.
reader comment“Surprise! Nigel Farage was dead right about this particular scam.” T.D.
reader comment“How are the Europeons going to have an army without Britain and the US to pay for it? They'll talk a lot, and have lots of booze and free lunches on the taxpayer, but it's never going to happen” R.H.

bullet Paramedics are receiving training in how to deal with violent thugs as the police always seem to be somewhere else when they are needed. Maybe we should just go the whole hog and issue paramedics with cattle prods and guns to let bad guys know that they're in for a world of hurt if they get uppity.

Got wood
bullet We're still getting morons in office talking about 'combatting' climate change. They still haven't got the message that we can adapt to it but fighting it is going to be a losing battle and a waste of time and money.
    Their latest scam is a demand from the Miliband Ministry of Climate Change for farmers to plant trees instead of allowing cattle and sheep to occupy farmland. This will make a completely insignificant change to the amount of methane going into the atmosphere. No doubt these experts are already working on a scam to turn cellulose into something vaguely edible. [But unlikely to be digestible. Ed.]
    But hey, if it puts cash in the pockets of the morons at the MMCC, what do they care? Or for Miliband's Murderous Morons to admit that, as noted elsewhere, many more people are killed by cold weather than by heat.

reader comment“Cellulose products that pass through the digestive system without being absorbed while creating the sensation of having eaten something? Just what we need to solve the o'besity crisis. As long as fat people not eating these products instead of food is made a criminal offence, of course.” A.S.

bullet Vote Labour, Lose Your House That's what Labour's appalling alternative chancellor proposes if he ever gets to inhabit part of Downing Street. Property is theft — unless it's a Labour government doing the stealing.

Do better
bullet The 20 Premier League clubs are being asked to cough up £250K each to buy a £5 MILLION leaving present for their departing chief executive. But a peerage doesn't cost anywhere near that much; at least, it didn't when Tony B. Liar was PM; and he'd enjoy it much more than whatever his stooges have in mind.
reader comment“I wonder how much the Tories will raise for TheRazor May's leaving present? Are there any pound shops still around?” T.W.

Far Queue symbol "I'm still holding out for a people's vote," says a Bremoaner reactionary living in Germany. At the risk of repeating ourselves and others, who does he think voted in 2016? Penguins?

Unfur, unfur!
bullet The fashion industry is having a bit of a headache. Selling real fur invites an arson attack from a terrorist gang. Selling fake stuff pollutes the planet with the bits of microplastic which fall off it. And saving the planet by selling real fur as fake is in jeopardy because of interfering busybodies.

They talk about democracy but they clearly don't believe in it
bullet We keep hearing a lot about the dangers of handing the governance of the country to an unreconstructed Marxist "I'm against everything" like Jezzer Corbynski. But if that's the outcome of a democratic general election (with the usual Russian assistance), what gives all these Jerimiah creeps the right to deny the people their will?
    Like Bremoaners and the EU, they believe in democracy only when it produces the result they want.

Too many bodies to contemplate
bullet TheRazor May has promised to protect the Christian lady A. Bibi, who is being persecuted by religious extremists in Pakistan. But our PM feels unable actually to do anything for fear that the British consulate in Islamabad will suffer the same fate as the US embassy in Tehran during the Jimmy Carter years.
   Or, given the state of things in Pakistan, the probability that the building would be burnt to the ground with everyone kept inside it by the Taliban, which would allow the Pakistani government to plead 'Not me, Gov!'

Put up or push off
Far Queue symbol The opinion polls appear to suggest that Tory voters have no appetite for a change of leadership but there is one for the current leader to shape up, stop pissing about and deliver the promised complete separation from the EU and all of its institutions. And if she can't — or won't – she should be honest enough to admit it and head for the back benches.
reader comment“She obviously thinks she's the bee's knees but the Emperor thought his new clothes were magnificent until some punk kid punctured his bubble of delusion.” K.K.
reader comment“If the PM is to be defenestrated, could someone arrange for it to be streamed live on the internet? Also, it would be nice if resale of tickets for the event was banned to prevent scalpers from profitting from a national occasion.
“p.s. Which window will be used?” P.G.

bullet The Saudis have decided that they can get away with killing 5 members of the gang which murdered the dissident journalist J. Khashoggi. The crown prince at the top of the tree is too big to touch, of course.

Far Queue symbol A government minister has announced that he cannot guarantee that we will all become immortal in the event of a no-deal Brexit. Not so much Project Fear as Project Candy Floss Between The Ears!

Another way to go
Far Queue symbol The Eurosceptic Tories don't need to force a leadership contest. They just need to tell the present PM that they won't vote for anything contrary to a full and complete exit from the EU when it is offered to Parliament.
    The PM can then decide whether she wants to suffer the humiliation of a major defeat in the Commons, change what's on offer or quit.

bullet We have been assured that the prime monster is doing a fantastic job. Fantastic — doesn't that mean fantasy, not real?

bulletHepeating : a man repeating a good idea he heard from a woman and passing it off as his own
bulletShepeating : a woman repeating a terrible idea she heard from a man and passing it off as her own (see also: prime minister, prime ministerial advisor & Oily Robbins)

Sleaze by association
bullet It's not really fair to compare the speed of A. Rudd's return to government with that of D. Blunkett and P. Mandelsleaze. She had to quit at the Home Office because her civil servants deliberately fed her false information. Blunk & Mandelsleaze got the push for abuse of office and doing favours for mistresses and cronies.
reader comment“Lest we forget, Remoaner Rudd has a brother who's a PR spiv for Project Fear. No wonder TheRazor wanted her back inside the tent, leaking out.” L.M.

bullet Fakebook has more or less admitted that its operation is too big for it to be able to remove abusive and bullying posts by writing screening software and preserve its profits by not hiring human beings to read nasty posts. That's why it has had to resort to hiring failed politicians to lobby for easy treatment when it faces fines for misconduct.

If it works . . .
bullet If some conman-woman with a fake degree from a university in New Zealand can work as an NHS psychiatrist unchallenged for 22 years, do we really need shrinks with degrees on the job? It might be cheaper, and just as effective, to employ chancers with the gift of the gab to bamboozle the customers.
update The General Medical Council has come up with a perfect 'get out of gaol free' for itself over the bogus shrink, whose false credentials the GMC failed to check. As the bogus is not a real doctor, she's nothing to do with the GMC.
reader comment“The only thing that gave her away, it should be noted, was a bad attempt to steal £1.3 million from an elderly customer with a poorly faked will.” H.S.

bullet The Confederation of Bloody Idiots has been sounding off again with more Project Fear garbage.

bullet The Germans have stuck 'not welcome' notices on 18 Saudis following the Khashoggi murder in the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul. The Norwegians have halted arms exports but French, being the French, are doing nothing. They're too busy rioting over fuel taxes.

How to die early (and do the NHS and the nation a favour)
bullet + + + Watch TV for more than 3 hours per day + + + Stay in bed for more than 9 hours per day/night + + + Drink more than half a glass of wine per day + + +
reader comment“A quick survey of my mates showed that if the above were true, they'd all be dead — and so would I. And yet we're all still alive and reading BFN. How come?” D.J.

Reigned in
bullet The Brexit rebels in the Tory party seem to have achieved their object – they have given TheRazor May a short, sharp shock and let her know that, having chucked away her majority thanks to an inept campaign for an unnecessary election, she can't do what she wants when she wants, no matter what Oily Robbins tells her.

bullet The latest theory about why there's a rush of kids who want to change sex, as far as outward appearance is concerned, is that most of them are mentally ill. Which means that they will be no happier in their Mk. II body than they were in the Mk. I.

Far Queue symbol An MP lied her head off in a vain attempt to get out of a speeding charge. Her alibi is that she was overwhelmed by life at Westminster at the time. Translation: Poor weak woman, let me off, please, pleeeeese!

A circle to be squared
FMD bullet Mars bars will go extinct just two short weeks after the UK makes a WTO Brexit from the Europeon Union, sez the manufacturer. But if Cadbury's is stoopid enough to let a leading brand go extinct without a struggle, who are we to care?
[As before, see May 2004 for the explanation for the graphic if you don't know what the message means. Ed.]
reader comment“This is expected to have a devastating effect on Scotland's deep-fried foods trade in chippies.” A.W.
And yet . . .
bullet By Brexit day, Britain's warehouses and storage space will be bulging at the seams due to panic buying of items which the parasites of Project Fear insist the EU will refuse to sell to us after the end of March next year, when we are no longer a member of their club.
    As a result, the nation won't need to import any more foods, food ingredients and medicines until at least May 2021, a Trade In Britain survey has calculated.

bullet The CBI is complaining that Tory plotters will wreck the economy when, as any fule kno, that's the self-appointed task of the Confederation of Bumbling Idiots.

No distraction from the allotment
bullet One advantage of being against everything is that Jezzer Corbyn doesn't have to bother wading through the 600 pages of the Oily Robbins cave-in to the EU. He knows that he'll be against everything and he doesn't need to bother actually to confirm that the stitch-up fails his six tests. (whatever they are)

Not much cop
bullet Do we have police officers doing a job worth paying for? Seems more like real coppers have been replaced by PR stooges, who are being paid good money to come up with more and more excuses for why no actual policing is being done.

 WEEK 4 

More from the experts
bullet People over 60 usually don't risk telling lies because they know that their memory is rotten and they'll never be able to keep their story straight. Also, their grasp of what is true and what was made up is weaker; to the extent that they start believing their own lies!
bullet The best strategy for the oldies, the experts reckon, is to lie their heads off if they feel trapped and, if questioned later, to pretend to have amnesia.

Delusion City, USA
Far Queue symbol Wee Burney Sturgeon thinks that an independent Scotland would sail into the EU as a full member on a Spanish ship. But getting through the minefield of all the southern and eastern states which take money out of the pot, as Scotland would have to do without England to prop it up, will prove to be Mission Impossible.
    The only positive for Burney in that situation is that she would be on the political scrapheap and out of the firing line (and writing her memoirs in a garden shed?) before the ship sinks.

The view from the top
bullet God is non-human and sexless, sez the current Archbish of Cantab, and certainly not any sort of father, as claimed in his religion's script. In fact, he believes that his supreme being is some formless, passionless creature, which can't possibly give a rat's ass about anything or anybody if it is passionless.

bulletJ.C. Juncker
Could not get any druncker.
When the booze is free,
He's permanently out of his tree.

Far Queue symbol The Putinocracy has come up with a mega-sneaky plan to get away with its criminal activities everywhere — buying enough votes to get a Russian with KGB credentials elected as the head of Interpol. That way, enemies of the Russian mafia could be located and investigations into their unlikely deaths steered down blind alleys or steered toward other enemy nations. Cunning, or what!

Saving the Planet!
bullet The EU has come up with an ecological bonus package to put in place in the event of a WTO Brexit. British driving licences and passports will no longer be recognized, anticipating a reciprocal move by the British government, and, in effect, all international travel between Britain and the European mainland will cease.
    "The net effect will take us a long way toward our carbon-elimination targets," an EU mouthpiece told BFN, "and bolster our chances of doing trade deals with India and China by letting them increase their carbon-releases to match our sacrifices."

Far Queue symbol N'ere cast a clout till May be out. So wrap up well, all Tories!

More from the experts
bullet People who are lonely, the experts now reckon, spends lots of time in the bath or under a hot shower because being warm makes them feel good. Which means that anyone who has a bath once a year; whether they need it or not; probably isn't lonely — which is just as well because nobody is likely to want to go too near to them because of the pong.

bulletSnow Wednesday : Romiley was not affected by the first snow of the winter, which brought the usual chaos – mainly to the east of the country.

The price of infinite carelessness
bullet The head of the GRU, which was responsible for undertaking the Putinocracy's attempt to kill defector S. Skripal by a poison attack in March, has been terminated. General I. Korovov, 62, replaced a previous GRU boss, whose termination was attributed to a fatal heart attack at the start of 2016.
    The minions of the just-terminated GRU boss also poisoned three by-standers, one fatally. Both of the agents sent to Salisbury on the bungled mission have been identified. They are expected to become Russian MPs in due course, as seems to be the custom for the state's assassins in Putinstan.

Janus May (and probably will)
Far Queue symbol The PM has told the leader of HM's Opposition that there could be no Brexit at all. She has also assured Parliament that the UK will leave the EU on 2019/03/29. What can her next move be? To assure us that she lives in Wonderland, where up can be down, or vice versa, according to which way the wind is blowing?

A Cunning Plan indeed
bullet The latest conspiracy theory @ the Palace of Westmonster is that J. Rees-Mogg's 'Dad's Army rebellion' was a distraction to allow the Prime Monster to lie her head off in all directions and get away with it.
    Further; in the absence of a serious rival, the insurgency has succeeded in making the Tories want to cling to nurse for fear of being landed with something worse.

Interference is OUR job, yell the Russkies
bullet Russia is blaming the US and the UK for interfering in its attempts to rig the election of a new president of Interpol to replace the Chinese lady, who was kidnapped by her own government to face bribery charges.
    The presidency of Interpol is mainly a ceremonial role; the secretary-general does the heavy lifting; but installing a Russian KGB guy was described as putting the mafia in charge of the international police, and it would have facilitated Russia's pursuit of its enemies via access to Interpol's files and instruments of detention.
bullet Both the UK and the US are members of the Interpol organization and fully entitled to take part in elections and lobby for candidates. Russia, on the other hand, feels entitled to rig elections in foreign countries (like the US and the UK) as of right because Russia is now a de facto dictatorship and that's what dictatorships do.
bullet The job went to an inoffensive bloke from South Korea until 2020, when the whole argy-bargy process will start all over again.
reader comment“This 'inoffensive' South Korean guy, Kim Jong Yang, has to be related to President Kim of North Korea, right? Not so harmless, then.” P.Y.

Warmer IS better
bullet Good news from the Global Warming Swindlers – their window of opportunity to prevent climate change, according to their dodgy computer predictions, has almost closed and, very soon, they will have to shut up and push off and let us enjoy being a bit warmer.
bullet Lest we forget, cold weather kills lots and lots more people than an occasional heat wave. But what does that matter to swindlers?

bulletQ: How do you know when the leisure classes have far too much time on their hands for their own good?
bulletA: When a bunch of them try to get the inhabitants of a Dorset village called 'Wool' to change its name to 'Vegan Wool'.
reader comment“The underburdened socialites are now believed to be considering ways to bribe the residents of Ramsbottom in Lancashire into doing a name change.” A.L.

The wheels are nearly off
bullet The government's smart meter scam is pretty well at the point of failure. Estimates of how much such a meter could possibly maybe save a household have been dropping steadily. They are now more or less at the transition point to going negative.
reader comment“According to the small print, energy companies have only to offer these meters to customers. They don't actually have to provide one.” C.P.
bullet There is no chance that the government will get a smart meter into every home by 2020 but the Energy Minister will continue to claim that things are on time and on target, and it will happen. No fantasy like a political one! Especially as Which? magazine has calculated that the energy companies would have to install 30 meters per minute to meet the target. The current rate is 10 per day.

bulletQ: What do we do when the primitive savages living on an island in the Bay of Bengal kill an American missionary, who tried to but in to their lives and mess with their heads?
bulletA: Cheer loudly, seems appropriate. Especially if the busybody could have been a carrier for enough modern diseases to wipe out all of the savages.
reader comment“Shades of smallpox on blankets given to Red Injuns in America. The missionary solution would have been cheaper than nuking the island to despatch the savages, who are a hazard to survival for every mariner who gets into difficulty in their vicinity.” C.C.

Good; but doomed; idea
police helmet Police officers are being taught how to run down moped bandits and knock them off their ride without causing damage to the police vehicle. Sounds like someone had a rush of good sense and initiative; which is bound to be stepped upon vigorously by one of the upper-echelon waxworks or some stooge at the Home Office.

bullet The child division of the medical trade has been incredibly busy of late — so much so that it has been able to create mental health disorders for specific children as young as two years old.
    A dissenting expert, however, insists that a lot of it is just down to kids behaving badly because they are allowed to get away with it.

More separating wheels
bullet The atmospheric carbon dioxide level is now at 400 parts per million. The last time it was at this level was between 3 and 5 million years ago, according to the experts' estimates. At that time, the world was 2-3 deg.C warmer and sea levels were 20 metres higher.
    Which entitles the rest of us to aks why, if our CO2 level is 400 ppm, is our temperature 2-3 deg.C lower than it was back then and why are current sea levels 20 metres lower than they were back then?
    The obvious conclusion is that the connection made between atmospheric carbon dioxide levels, global temperatures and sea levels by the global warming fraudsters is defective. No credible squaring of the circle is available from the GWS lobby and their 'experts'.
reader comment“All this conveniently ignores the observed fact that in the past, a rise in atmospheric carbon dioxide levels followed – and a long time later – a temperature rise. It doesn't lead a temperature rise in the historical record.” W.U.
reader comment“As current levels of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere are now capturing ALL of the CO2-absorbable infrared radiation arriving at the Earth from the Sun, adding more carbon dioxide to the atmosphere will make no difference at all! Because the CO2 in the atmosphere can't absorb more than 100% of the infrared available at the frequencies which can be absorbed by carbon dioxide.” R.S.

bulletQ: Why is it called Black Friday?
bulletA: Because a lot of customers find they've been stitched up like the proverbial kipper with bargains which aren't.

bulletQ: Has anyone at the Home Office been sacked for putting a 30-year-old bogus asylum claimant in a mixed class of 15-year-old school kids?
bulletA: People in the public sector, especially civil servants, are never held accountable for their decisions, no matter how boneheaded they are.
bulletQ: What about the school which let it happen?
bulletA: See the above answer.

What goes around
police helmet Police chiefs complain when members of the public film attacks on police officers and don't go to the assistance of a copper in peril — just don't mention the top copper who sat in a car whilst one of his men was being murdered by an Islamic terrorist at the House of Commons.
    Don't mention either that this non-involvement is exactly the attitude which senior coppers encourage in their staff by ruling that vast numbers of crimes should not be investigated.
    Clearly, these senior coppers are too stupid to grasp that the public will not feel like being hands on and rescue police officers who are perceived as strictly cosmetic and hands off.

Far Queue symbol There are boo-hoo buggers moaning that Wales and Scotland are not mentioned in the daft Brexit agreement. Neither is England, but there are no moans about that.

Doesn't add up
bullet Police are looking for two men who stole 140 cases of vodka worth £60,000 from a warehouse in Glasgow. The suspects are believed to have escaped in a silver car. Really? How do you get 140 cases of booze into a car??

The swindle continued
bullet Global warming is being blamed for a worst ever salmon-fishing season on Scotland's west coast. What the 'experts' are ignoring, however, is that any temperature changes are too small to make much of a difference, young salmon are being hoovered up by fishermen after mackerel and herring, and lice from fish farms are eating young wild salmon when they venture into Scottish rivers.
    Tackling the fishing and lice problems would involve doing some actual work, however, and so the experts are taking the easy option of blaming global warming.
bullet Surprise! Other experts say there is no obvious reason for the decline in wild salmon numbers, which just confirms Arthur C. Clarke's Fourth Law: For every expert, there is an equal and opposite expert.

 WEEK 5 

Grey Cup 106

bullet All interest in the last F1 Grand Prix race of the season perished on lap 1 after the Incredible Hulkenberg was launched by a collision with Grossjean, barrel-rolled into the barriers and ended up trapped in his car, upside down with some flames spouting from the rear end.
    The fire soon went out/was extinguished and Hulkenberg was extracted, okay and able to get to the medical centre under his own steam.
    After that bit of drama, it was just zoom, zoom round the track to another win by the already elected champion Louie Samilton.

Bulging At The Seams or Titles Galore!
bullet The PM has a strategy for getting her EU exit deal through the Commons — giving peerages to 90 dissenters in her own party to buy them off. Make that 100 peerages if she tries to do the same deal with the DUP. Or even more if she has to buy some Labour votes.
    All of which raises the prospect of a 'last in, first out' trade union-style pruning of a House of Frauds which will have swelled to around 1,000 members when the reformers get stuck in. But that will be a job for our next prime minister, of course.

Far Queue symbol Banks are bringing back sub-prime mortgages for people who can't afford them. Dodgy trading of these mortgages in packages which most bankers failed to understand caused the Brown Bust of 2008 and the failure of most British banks.

Hear, hear!
bullet The crack of the month comes from A. Mitchell, MP retired, who was one of the few members of the Labour lot who came over as a thinking human being and commanded universal respect. Directed at the prime monster and concerning where the Brexit deal will be signed, he asked: “Will the British surrender document be signed in the railway carriage at Compeigne?” [Where the WW I armistice with Germany was signed. Ed.]

Brain dead BBC
bullet The morons at the BBC are still going around asking people if they want a 'people's vote' on Brexit when they mean another referendum.
reader comment“Who, other than people, are allowed to vote in elections and referendums? And who, other than people, voted in the last one? We should be told.” L.M.

bullet The latest risible outpouring from the GWS is a prediction of a rise of 5 deg.C in Britain and summers like the one we had this year to happen every year by 2070. For once, the BBC had the grace to interview an expert who poured a lot of cold water on the calculation process and acknowledged that it is based on a hell of a lot of guesses.
reader comment“It's significant that the publicity hungry Met Office released only the most dire of the outpourings from its dodgy computer model. It's also significant that whilst the BBC interviewed experts who poured cold water on the panic attack, not a single word was said about any best-case scenario; assuming the Met Office computer is programmed to create one as well as 'we're all gonna die!!!' propaganda.” H.S.

What goes around . . .
bullet In the United States and Canada, feminists are suffering the indignity of being trumped by sex-swappers. Where once they were allowed to sound off about anything; usually attacks on men; when they have a go at sex-swappers, they get locked out of their anti-social meeja accounts until they delete anything the sex-swappers don't like.

bullet Elsewhere in the US, a newly elected Democratic member of the House of Representatives is demanding that the house passes a “Green New Deal” because we're all going to die from climate change.
    Her panic was triggered by a report released by the U,S. Global Change Research Program, which includes volunteers from 13 federal agencies and several outside pressure groups. They claim that thousands of people "could" die, and the US "could" suffer a 10% reduction in GNP by the end of this century if humans don't stop using fossil fuels.

La France, c'est moi!
Far Queue symbol President MacRon of France has set a new low for that nation's head of state's popularity rating. His party is now less popular in opinion polls than Marine Le Pen's.
    MacRon started off on a reform ticket as an alternative to the stale old corrupt lefties and corrupt righties, taking a pop against France's over-powerful trade unions and over-generous social security system. He has descended into entitlement and grabbery, and developed a full-blown Napoleon complex. And he's not going to cut fuel prices despite the riots in Paris last weekend.

Far Queue symbol The EU is going to talk about further sanctions against Russia over the Putinocracy's pirate attacks on three Ukrainian gunboats as an escalation of the quasi-war begun in the region by Russia's annexation of Crimea and subsequent take-over of eastern Ukraine.

Another probe parked on Mars
second InSight image returnedbullet NASA's InSight probe has landed safely on Mars after a 7-month trip. The car-size lander's two-year mission is to study the deep interior of Mars to learn how rocky planets like Earth and the Moon are formed.
    NASA's eighth successful landing on Mars took place near the equator, on the western side of the Elysium Planitia expanse of smooth, flat lava. The probe's on-board computer had complete control of the landing sequence, which included a 6-minute communication black-out for the team back on Earth.
    Signals have been received to confirm that the solar panels are open and collecting sunlight, allowing the lander to recharge its batteries. The orbiting Mars Odyssey spacecraft also relayed a pair of images of the landing site. The second of them (above, right) suggests that either Mars has a serious case of Spotty Muldoon's Disease or there is a lot of dust about.

A deal which is not a deal
bullet Lest we forget, the PM's political deal on Brexit is not legally binding and the E bloody U can renege on its promises whenever it feels that it is safe to do so.

Any port in a storm
bullet The Treasury has come up with a 'major' economic analysis of possible scenarios for the next 15 years with the aim of showing that a no-deal Brexit will be a disaster compared to the disastrous May Brexit deal, which is not legally binding.
    Britain's favourite newspaper is urging us to get behind the PM now. Could this be the same Daily Mail which has been pointing out for years that every forecast that ever comes out of the Treasury (Project Fear, etc.) is meaningless rubbish?
    Yes, but it's also the same Daily Mail which is struggling to keep TheRazor May's ship from sinking to deny the people their democratic right to vote in a cartoon-communist Corbyn Labour government.

Labour goes for Moped Mugger vote
bullet The party's alternative Home Sec., one of the most respective figures in the House of Common Criminals, has come out against the police tactic of shunting thieves off their bikes by fancy driving.
    Although the tactic is perfectly legal now, she has vowed to reverse this should Labour ever take office again whilst she is still the alternative Home Sec.

Panic! Panic! or Over the Top and loving it
bullet The government has gone from Project Fear to Project Hysteria in its attempts to get its own MPs on side. The dire fantasies of the current Chancellor have been followed by an apocalyptic doomcast from the Gov. of the Bonk of England, who has never made much of a pretence of being in contact with reality.
    It is suspected that staff from the Met. Office have been drafted in by both the Treasury and the BoE as technical advisors on the black art of creating ludicrous catastrophe fantasies as a result of their involvement with the not-so-great global warming fraud.

What took them so long?
bullet The Advertising Standards Authority has ordered TV advertisers to make their small print easily legible and to keep it on the screen long enough to be read. But not until Brexit March of next year.
    Which leaves TV viewers wondering why the ASA has been allowed to be asleep at the wheel for so long and to endorse this abuse by inaction.
    BFN has been assured that no members of the ASA will be sacked or disciplined as a result of their negligence.
bullet Something else outrageous is letting directory inquiry firms off with a capped rate of £3.65 for a 90-second call, which can become £4.20 with access charges. But it is slightly less outrageous than the twenty quid charged by the firm which advertises using two moustachioed stooges in running gear.

Lest we forget . .
better out The Treasury, which has just issued a Project Hysteria doomcast about what the economy will be doing 15 years from now, said in 2016 that if we voted to Leave the EU in the referendum, we would NOW be in a year-long recession with half a million fewer jobs and the GDP 3.6% lower than in 2016.
    Which didn't happen.
    Which just goes to show how much Chancellor Hammond's doomcasts are worth.

A moment to treasure . .
J. Corbynsky "If there is only one deal on offer, yes, it's the best deal. But it is also the worst deal at the same time."
    Some rare words of wisdom from the Great Corbynski!
    Will the Prime Monster heed them?
    In her capacity as Willy 'Eckerslike's older sister, it's unlikely.

Fighting back against terror
bullet The management of Oakland U. in California has issued hockey pucks to staff and members of the student body in the hope that the prospect of being bombarded by missiles, which hurt on impact and can cause real damage, will persuade mad gunmen/women to go elsewhere.
[Handing out some catapults to increase the force of the impact would have made it an even better idea. Ed.]

Below the line mission statement: We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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