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 WEEK 1 

Natural selection in action
bullet People who fall for the fashion of buying scorched-crust bread from supermarkets which don't just chuck it away are doomed. Burnt-black crusts are full of acrylamide, which will make over-indulgers die of cancer.

bullet Britain's universities are making A-Level examinations irrelevant. Now that there is no cap on the number of students that they can recruit, anyone who can raise the tuition fees is allowed to join.

He might well hide his shame
bullet Gordon F. Broon notoriously signed the Lisbon Treaty with the EU in secret like a thief in the night when he was PM. M. Carne, the ejected boss of Notwork Rail (£820K plus perks) got his CBE reward for failure during a similar meeja blackout.
Far Queue symbol Lest we forget, Notwork Rail's punctuality is at a 15-year low and it now faces fines from the regulator for failing to deliver a decent standard of service and being sued by train operators for failing to let them do business.

bullet The NHS is doing its bit to ensure that there is the traditional annual winter crisis this year by leaving 102,000 posts unfilled.

Far Queue symbol President Vlad the Awful has opened a new tank park at Russia's border with Ukraine. His mouthpiece told BFN: "We have so many tanks nowadays that finding enough other people's lawns to park them on is real nightmare."

Futile gesture
bullet Her customers are asking why Mrs. May is trying to sell her oily Brexit deal to world leaders at the G20 summit in Argentina. None of them has a vote on it as none of them is a British MP.

bullet French Pres. Manny MacRon is reported to have become speechless with rage on hearing that French vessels will not be allowed to enter British waters, especially not to fish, after Brexit. The silence was described as 'a blessed relief'.

Far Queue symbol Tory MP J. Greening reckons that a second referendum on the UK's membership of the EU could be held at the end of May 2019 if everyone starts organizing right now. One would expect that a sometime Education Sec. to know that we will have been out of the EU for two months by then and the vote will be irrelevant. But maybe she's trying to take over from Private Pike as the nation's stupid person.

bullet Someone has managed to goose Oily Robbins, the PM's puppet-master, into drawing up a plan for Britain to ditch the Irish border backstop unilaterally if the EU drags its feet on the issue, as it will inevitably do.

Don't Panic!
bullet Britain's alleged business leaders are timid, risk-averse and desperate for certainty these days – and the PM is going to give it to them. If her MPs choose not to back her oily Brexit deal, she will 'pull the trigger' on no-deal.
    If she does keep that promise, it offers enough certainty for anyone to build upon, no matter how chicken-livered, and that certainty will be delivered on or after December 11th.

bullet The BBC's bosses are denying that they paid a small-town vicar, who also works as a film extra, to pretend to be a member of the public who supports the PM's Brexit deal. But they would, wouldn't they?

Far Queue symbol Trade unions, which will be responsible for a big chunk of it, are weeping crocodile tears over the coming 3.1% rise in rail fares. And they have no plans to stop their petty strikes.

Shock, Horror! Harvey WeenSteen is Innocent!!
bullet His lawyers are claiming that they have proof that he was stitched up by corrupt police officers and lying accusers. They are demanding that the law suit against him be tossed out of court forthwith. If not, they add, every scrap of police corruption will be exposed to the public gaze to make a cover-up operation hugely difficult.

bugThis isn't an "or else" (except that it is)
bullet The administration at Downing Street has issued a warning of the threat from the Brexit Bug. All computers will stop working and burst into flames on March 29th 2019 if we fail to endorse TheRazor May's oily Brexit deal.

Copycat Frogs
bullet The French fuel protesters are turning their weekend outings to Paris into an endless succession of Bonfire Nights. The wonder is that if Manny MacRon's government is setting the price of petrol so high that it's unaffordable, how do they manage to buy enough to make their petrol bombs?

bullet The Prime Monster is going to trade party propaganda with O. Jezzer Corbynski (under the pretence of holding a debate) on an NFL Sunday? We can't see them getting much of a TV audience with the heroes of the gridiron on another side.

Stitch in the direction of up
bullet All this agitation for a second referendum on the UK's EU membership has been revealed as a plot financed by the people who make money out of them; including the was-beens who expect to be paid to spout rubbish on TV.
    If the result of OutRef2 is Bremoan, the Brexit lobby will shout: "One-all, we demand Best of Three!" Kerching!
    If the result endorses Brexit, the Bremoaners will start yelling: "Best of Five!" Kerching! Kerching! Kerching!
    The bad news for the Russians is that trying to fix all these referendums is going to cost the Putinocracy an absolute bomb!

Far Queue symbol Germany's AfD party is looking at a bleak future. With the imminent departure or Mhs. Mherkle, who looked like being Chancellor for Life at one stage, they are in deadly danger of losing the woman they love to hate to love to hate and their raison d'être.

Stitch in the direction of sideways
bullet The crafty Norwegians are planning to use dead fish to power their ships in order to pretend that they are reducing pollution and global warming. Waste from the fishing industry will be mixed with other organic waste and turned into biogas.
    Biogas contains mainly methane, as does the natural gas obtained from fossil fuel deposits, but as it is not a fossil fuel, politicians and other global warming fraudsters can pretend that biogas is somehow green and doesn't produce carbon dioxide when burnt, like natural gas.

bullet Cold weather contributed to 50,000 excess deaths in the winter of 2017/18, according to the Office for National Statistics. And yet the global warming fraudsters are currently junket in Poland and trying to make the climate colder. Have they no shame and/or pity? Obviously not.
bullet Age UK blamed high energy prices for contributing to the excess deaths. Which is great news for E.on customers in Romiley, who are facing a 27% rise in their energy bill for 2019.

Political smog
bullet The Labour front-bencher, who gave her drug-dealer son a job @ the Commons, has returned to the back benches under a cloud. Her leader, O.J. Corbynski, waved her off with the message that she had brought a new dimension to her job. Interpret that how you will!
update The Squeaker's office has endorsed a decision to let the drug dealer keep his Commons pass. Clearly, Berko thinks having a drug dealer swanning around the Palace of Westmonster doesn't lower the tone of the place – a view which has some merit, given the dodginess of some of the inmates, especially on the Opposition benches.
reader comment“Labour doesn't have a monopoly on dodginess. There are some pretty foul Tories around.” A.C.
[Comparing the proportion of Labour politicians who are dodgy with the proportion of Tories, or any other party, Labour wins the Dodgy Cup every time. Ed.]
update The drug dealer's grandma has been added to the House of Frauds courtesy of O.J. Corbynski.

Flogging a dead vegan
bullet An animal rights mob, PEople for the Stupid Treatment of English Rhetoric, is busy rewriting traditional English phrases and sayings to convert everything to do with animals into expressions involving plants.
    They claim they are protecting the delicate sensibilities of animal lovers. What the animal rights looneys don't seem to realize is that they are running the risk of being duffed up by offended horticulturalists.
   There's more than one way to snub a PESTER.
    Oh, no! Don't say they're claiming to be a religion!
update It is rumoured that the members of PESTER are secretly working to frustrate the GW fraudsters. Why? Because they believe the story that gorbal warming will wipe out all animal life on the planet and leave plants in charge.

bullet TheRazor May must not bully or bribe opponents to get her Brexit sell-out through the House of Common Criminals, the SNP has declared. Bullying and Bribery are SNP turf and no one else should go there, is the implication.

Not so much a snigger as a hearty laugh
bullet We mustn't gloat about the rioters setting fire to Paris every weekend? Like that's going to happen! (or not happen) We hate the French as much as they hate us. Have done for centuries.
bullet There is some consolation for TheRazor May – at least her popularity level in Britain is a bit higher than Manny McRon's in France.

"We're all doomed!" yell the catastrophists
bullet The world is in danger of being fried by all the hot air being emitted by the GWF lobby in Poland. They claim that our planet is 'fragile' but the Earth has been a lot hotter, and a hell of a lot colder, than it is today and yet it is still there.
    And every time a species goes extinct, like most of the dinosaur species, that creates a niche for a new species to populate.

bullet A vegan is trying to get the courts to declare his life choice a religion as part of a scheme to get compensation from an employer who sacked him for misconduct unrelated to his veganism.

The Nation offers to our enemies, a salute from Baroness Trumpington,
the former Jean Barker née Campbell-Harris (1922-2018)

The Baroness Trumpington 50 pound note

Far Queue symbol The latest from the UN's global warming festival somewhere in Poland is that global warming is going to wipe out our civilization and wipe out most of the life on the planet.
    Yeah, right.

Irresistible Force 1, Immovable Object nil
Far Queue symbol President McRon vowed that he would not be budged by the arsonist fuel rioters in France. But like all his predecessors in the job, he has budged and given in and postponed the planned increases.
update Instead of imposing some other global warming tax, Old MacRon now plans to cut public expenditure. He could well find himself having a busy time of that as the protesters have announced that, in the light of their current success, they will be back with more demands.

That explains a lot
bullet The Archbish of York reckons that a second referendum on EU membership could lead to riots in the streets, arson about and looting. So that's why the country's enemies in the Labour party, the SNP, etc. are so keen on one. They see it as a way of delivering a bonus to their natural supporters.

bullet Plenty of mists at the start of the first Tuesday of the month but not much sign of mellow fruitfulness. What's happened to all this global warming?

Is this just a racket?
bullet It costs the same three quid per month to save an elephant as a creature a small fraction of an elephant's size? One does get the feeling that the charities are taking the Mickey and just in it for an extractable three quid.

bullet The Gov. of the Bonk of England is threatening to raise food prices by 10% in the event of a no-deal, WTO Brexit. His predecessor has accused him of deploying flimsy and arbitrary assumptions.

If they're so smart, why don't they just let the meters sort out this tangle?
bullet The government has ordered the power companies to offer (not install) every household and small business the chance to have a smart meter by 2020.
    Which means that if the customer says, "No thanks", that's the job done. And any further attempts to inflict a smart meter on the customer constitute harassment. Which should be punishable by a fine of £100 per episode of harassment.
    What could be plainer or easier?
    [A naive view which ignores the inherent stupidity of the people who carry out the government's instructions. Ed.]

Pestering the PESTERs
reader comment“Here's one for them — "It's a wild gooseberry chase" to describe something lacking in intensity and duration, given that gooseberrys don't run at any great speed.” E.L.

They're all at it
bullet A spying operation has revealed the vast extent of FakeBuk's vast spying operation on its customers. The data collected is sold to FB's advertisers even though the company knows this is something the customers don't want to happen and it's probably actually illegal.
    Hotel chains, supermarkets, BT, PayPal, Gooble and more or less every company with an online or telephone market presence does the same, figuring they are much too big and powerful to be challenged and they are sure to get away with it.

A remarkable likeness
Corbyn & Clinton A remarkable number of punters were struck by the likeness between the picture of ex-president Bill Clinton taken at the funeral of ex-president George H.W. Bush and our own miserable git Jezzer Corbynski. If he has a shave and keeps his gob just as miserable, there's a post-Parliament career ready and waiting for Jezzer – doing Slick Willy impressions on the cabaret circuit.

BlackFlag News

A recycled Merry Xmas & a Guid New Year to all our readers and two fingers to miserable multiculturalists, dastardly diversifiers and all other Xmas denyers. BFN would like to thank all who contributed to the 2018 issues - and we hope to hear from you again, and your friends, in 2019!

 WEEK 2 

The sky fell in
bullet  A Kingdom Un-Tied 
 The Ultimate Act of Treachery 
 Like some Cheese with that Whine? 
 Narcissistic Commons Sell Out UK 

[Just practising a few headlines for when the House of Common Criminals reneges on its pledge to honour the Brexit referendum vote to Leave the E bloody U. Ed.]

 Sieg and Ye shall Heil 
[I'm still looking for a context for that one. Ed.]

Not wanted on voyage
bullet The BBC decided not to put a big Brown Hole in its schedule with a TV argy-bargy between TheRazor May and O.J. Corbinski. ITV has also decided not to damage its Sunday schedule. Maybe the Shopping Channel will bite the bullet if offered a big enuf bribe?

It were me! No, it were me!
bullet The Russians and the Chinese are locked in an arse-kicking contest for the bragging rights to crashing the O2 mobile phone network's Swedish-built equipment. The Chinese are ahead on credibility as Russia is notorious for having extremely inferior technology.

The latest from Project Hysteria
bullet The government will have to ration medicines without consulting either patients or GPs in the event of a no-deal Brexit. And if anyone dies, the underlying hysteria message runs, that will just be too bloody bad and serves them right for not voting Bremain in the first place.

Project Hysteria failure
bullet A Bremoaner report from the government claims that Britain will have to find room for 'tens of thousands' of British ex-pats in the event of a no-deal Brexit. The impact of this message is somewhat blunted by the fact that millions of Europeons will be heading the other way, leaving plenty of room for a few thousand British reformed emigrés.

Getting turkeys to vote for Xmas?
bullet It worked for Tony B. Liar and now O.J. Corbynski is on his knees begging the rich for donations to Labour party funds. Either he assumes that they are too thick to realize that once he and his commie chums get in to office, they plan to tax the bollocks off all rich bastards, or his PR person has been scoffing a lot of hippie crack.

International 'Eat Two Cakes Day' becomes so much more of a challenge as December rolls on and the 9" round tin comes back into fashion . . .

December International 'Eat Two Cakes Day' celebration

Xperts lacking Xpertise or Not Trifficly scientific
bullet You have to be able to climb 4 flights of stairs quickly or you're doomed to an early death, the experts reckon.
    No danger of letting the customers know how many steps add up to a flight, though. Or a definition of 'quickly', which makes the whole exercise just so much hot air. Also, no mention of how you're supposed to get on if you don't have 4 flights of stairs to climb in your home.

Talking about hot air . . .
bullet The GW mob has been peering into the crystal ball again and come up with a good one – there was an event labelled The Great Dying 252 million years ago, when massive volcanic eruptions in Siberia blew all sorts of crap into the atmosphere and wiped out 96% of life in the seas and 70% of life on land.
    The not-so-great global warming fraudsters now reckon there is a not-so-great dying event on the way and it will wipe out 48% of life in the seas and 35% of life on land by 2300.
reader comment“It's amazing how much hysteria you can generate when you avoid comparing like with like and concentrate only on greenhouse gases and ignore the absolutely huge amounts of crap spewed out by those mega-volcanoes.” W.U.

A Bigger and Brighter Future
bullet The Rt. Hon Orrie Fiss, the minister for holes, has emerged from prolonged talks with the EU's Hole Harmonization Commission to announce that, post-Brexit, we shall no longer be restricted to EU standard hole sizes. We shall be able to create the somewhat larger holes favoured by the rest of the world.

bullet A former head of GCHQ, the nation's official electronic spying operation, is advocating new laws to bring the likes of FakeBuk and Gooble under control. Their current activities in search of a sleazy buck are an affront to democracy and if they won't clean up their acts, they need to be booted into line.

bullet O2 thinks it should pay its customers 87p for the loss of a whole day's use of their phones. The demands of the customers start at £10 and go up according to how much trade they lost. Kerrrunch!
bullet Apparently, no one noticed that a usage certificate on some essential software was about to expire. When it did, computer said NO!! big time. Bloody human beings, eh!

“We honour them by remembering the names of the dead”
— unless you’re the Police Federation, of course

bullet The trade union for the police in England and Wales has gone back on a promise to help to fund a memorial for police officers who died on duty.
    Which suggests that the Fed thinks only of live members, who can pay subs to add to the £60-70 million stashed in reserve funds, and dead former members are just an embarrassment.

bullet President Trump has appointed an air-head TV current affairs programme co-host as his ambassodor to the United Nations Organization. Which demonstrates how low his opinion of this bunch of hot-air merchants really is!

Not exactly the world's best excuse!
bullet Northern Rail is claiming that its service is rubbish because 10% of its fleet of trains has been damaged by leaves on the line. Leaves with bombs and machine guns and a bad attitude, were they?

Bad news for O.J. Corbynski
bullet If he's relying on a yoof vote to get the Tories out of power and himself and his gang into Downing Street to tax everyone (except his mates) until the pips squeak, he'd better guess again. The Millennial Snoflakes don't want to pay more taxes for Corbynski to waste on the old and the sick and his trade union buddies.

Definitely true to type
reader comment“Surprise! The yellow-jacket riots in France have proved that Manny MacRon is just another cheese-eating surrender monkey. When someone stands up to him, the president can't hoist up a white rag fast enough.” D.C.
bullet Copycats in Belgium and Holland are donning hi-viz vests and taking to the streets to protest about whatever it that has upset them. The Belgians want rid of their prime minister. No one is quite sure what the Dutch are after, however.

bullet The campaign to legalize cannabis run by the Liberal party and some top coppers has succeeded in putting the number of drivers arrested for motoring whilst drugged up at a record level.

Mini Maths Lesson
bulletQ: What is Super Bowl LIII in numbers?
bulletA: L is the 12th letter of the alphabet, which makes L111 equal to 15.
bulletA: L is the 12th letter of the alphabet and I is the 9th letter, which makes LIII equal to 39.

bulletQ: The NFL reckons that the next Super Bowl is No. 53. How should this be described in letters?
bulletA: XXE or TTJC. Or even ZZA.

You don't always get what you want
reader comment“The main thing which is making the Tories nervous about holding a leadership election is the prospect of what happened to Labour also happening to them – namely, that the Jeremy Corbyn joke candidate ends up winning a run-off.” D.M.

A brilliant European 'Get Out of That!'
bullet A German was arrested in Austria after using a change machine at a bank to turn a huge number of damaged euro coins into banknotes. He had bought the coins in China, where they had been extracted from cars and washing machines sent there to be scrapped. These coins are resold in bulk in China at a fraction of their face value.
    The enterprising German was acquitted of fraud when he came up for trial and the appeal court in Innsbruck has confirmed this decision following an objection from the prosecutor.
    The counsel for the accused explained that his client had used a machine which is designed specifically to determine whether a coin is legal tender or not. Which means that if it gave him notes for the coins which he fed into it, there could be no question of fraud

Phone the Guinness Book of Records
bullet It's amazing how fast a court system can operate when its income is at stake. Instead of sitting on it for a couple of years of free lunches, the Europeon Court of Justice has decided in record time that we can cancel our Article 50 departure from the EU at a moment's notice without bothering to consult the rest of the member countries.

bullet Bad news for everyone who thinks doing lots of crosswords and sodokus will prevent them from going doolally. You will still go dotty when you get old, is the latest word from the experts.

New for Xmas
bullet The plot of the BBC's Xmas Miss Marple story has been leaked. The apparently harmless Miss M. learns that a rival is planning to expose her secret identity in a way which causes her maximum embarrassment.
    It will be revealed that 'she' is, in fact, a Belgian illegal immigrant, who fled his native country when the Germans invaded and found that he could use his theatrical experiences to create a lucrative career as a private detective in the guise of an elderly British spinster.
    Naturally, the detective known as Miss Marple refuses to go quietly, which means a lot of trouble on the way for a deserving rival.

Hyperbole will get you nowhere
reader comment“The EU's rebuff to Mrs. May's attempts to get more concessions; namely, legally binding ones; on her Brexit deal is a 'hammer blow'? Not when no one expected that bunch of bad-faith merchants to offer a life raft to the crew of a sinking ship, even it is in their best interests to do so. They're still stuck in 'Gott straf England' mode.
”p.s. A vote postponed is only a vote postponed with nothing better on offer.” D.V.

Frozen-faced Snoflakes
bullet "Safe place" policies are turning students into humourless gits [correction: even more humourless gits. Ed.] Professional comedians are no longer taking jobs at their events, even ones without a fee at charity dos, because they are being confronted with a long list of 'isms' which cannot be the subject of jokes.
    "If students are not exposed to the challenges of humour," our resident psychology expert reckons, "then they will become increasingly narrow-minded and even less able to handle the rigours of a cruel world."

Today's conspiracy theory
bullet The confidence vote on Mrs. May's leadership is being organized by Bremoaners, who expect her to win and become safe from another challenge for 12 months, by which time she will have sabotaged Brexit thoroughly.

bullet The PM's attempts to sweeten her Brexit deal by chatting up EU leaders have been described as 'polishing a dead parrot' by one of our Europeon neighbours.

Maybe it was aliens . . .
bullet Hotpoint, the manufacturer of the fridge-freezer blamed for burning down Grenfell Tower in London, has come up with an alternative explanation. The American owner of the company would like us to think it is possible that someone threw a cigarette end into a 4th floor kitchen window and it started the blaze, not shoddy wiring in the fridge-freezer.

bullet France's hi-viz rioters have won tax concessions adding up to €13 BILLION from Pres. MacRon, who is prepared to spend as much of other people's money as necessary to keep his job.

 WEEK 3 

Nose-hacking job?
bullet Six-month delays at Dover port, which handles just 6% of our total port activity, could happen after Brexit, we are told by the Project Hysteria merchants. The EU has a huge trade deficit with us, however, which means that their stuff will be parked and they won't be able to get cash for the goods they would sell us in normal times.
    Is that going to be allowed to happen? Really?

Do we have confidence in TheRazor May?
bullet Votes to ditch her = 117, Don't fancy any of the others = 200
How long does it take to count up to 317? An hour! There must have been a really good tea break in there somewhere.

TheRazor slashes on . . .
reader comment“Our PM now has 12 months of grace — free of leadership challenges — to sabotage Brexit, then it will be off to the House of Frauds to become . . . Baroness Bremoan? Baroness Hintercouchcroucher? Or just plain Baroness Leggit of Bruxelles?” R.M.

Italy still being done down by the EU
bullet One size fits all if the one is Germany. Italy, however is struggling with a monster budget deficit after being allowed to lie about its economic prospects to join the euro. If there were a planetary police force, the EU would be behind bars for Mafia tactics learnt from . . . the Italians.

bullet Brass monkeys are advised to steer well clear of Switzerland, where night-time temperatures in the central parts of the country are falling to minus 36 degrees Centigrade. The chill is pay-back for Switzerland having just enjoyed its third-warmest summer and autumn on record.

No harm, no law-breaking, no foul
bullet H. Blumenthal has made a name for himself as a chef who created bizarre recipes from combinations of unlikely ingredients.
    He no longer owns the chain of restaurants which he founded, but some nosy buggers are taking a pop at him because they have run into the brick wall of a tax haven when trying to pry into its earnings and who owns the chain.
    Good! May their frustration give them ulcers.

Crocodile tears with an agenda
reader comment “The blessed Rees-Mogg, MP, is receiving some stick from those who have a political agenda which doesn't align with his. The latest quibble seems to be that Moggy is something less than 100% saintly.
    “But if he is just following the custom and practice at his place of work, that needs to be taken into consideration. Refusing to do so says much more about custom and practice among the harpies that it does about Mr. Mogg.” D.S.

Nearly somewhere worth going
bullet The Virgin Galactic tourist trap has managed to reach a height of 50 miles on a test flight, allowing those aboard to claim they almost, nearly, pretty well about reached the edge of space. An earlier version of the air-launched space-skimmer disintegrated on a test flight and there has been a 4-year rebuilding period since then.
    The rocket was crewed by a pilot, a NASA astronaut and a womannequin called Annie instead of a fare-paying passenger. Human versions of Annie will have to cough up a quarter of a million bucks for their 90-minute rollercoaster ride.

Yes, we believe you, mate!
reader comment “The Chancellor sez he's committed to delivering Brexit. Unfortunately, the delivery destination he has in mind is his local council tip.” D.R.

bulletAnother Tory party conspiracy theory – Dave the ex-Leader Cameron bribed the tellers to make sure that TheRazor May won her confidence vote to make sure that she stays on as PM for another year or so. Why? So that the retirement memoirs, which she was sure to be paid a bomb to dash off, wouldn't trump his own as yet uncompleted ramblings.

The plot sickens
bullet The conspiracy theory also includes a profit strain. TheRazor is making the intransigence of the EU look like the cause of the breakdown of Brexit. Which allows her to write a shock-horror volume of memoirs with the title: How I Busted Brexit – and got away with it!
    That would knock anything Dave the ex-Leader is working on into a thimble rather than the proverbial cocked hat, and gives him a big incentive to retire to his garden shed on wheels and get scribbling.

bullet Where are the police precept rises in next year's swollen Council Tax bills going? Well, there are chief constables being paid (as opposed to earning) £50K-100K more than the prime minister, and that's not including the extra going into their pension pots and all the other extras and perks they claim.

Dear and deadly
bullet The experts have struck again! Not only are organic farming products; meat as well as vegetables and dairy; overpriced compared to inorganic products and much the same nutritionwise, they are also wrecking the Earth's climate by having a vastly BIGGER carbon footprint; 50%-70% bigger in some cases.
    They also require a greater area of land to produce a crop of a given size, which means more deforestation, and more apoplexy for the environmentalists.

Faint-hearted revisionism
reader comment“The Beeb is doing a Hercule Poirot pastiche with the central character reinvented. His definitive moustache has been replaced by a goaty beard and he won't have that Belgian accent, of course.
    “The wonder is, they didn't go the whole hog and make Poirot a woman. And that name. So foreign. Why not something more English for someone who has been living here for 20 years, like . . . Romiley? Mellor? Marple, even? And an anglicized spinster called Hercules? Something traditionally English would be much better, like Jane, for instance.” D.X.S.

bullet + + + Large fire at new habitat dome at Chester Zoo + + + No animals injured + + +
update The fire is being blamed on an electrical fault, which ignited a roof made of flammable materials. No doubt the genius responsible for specifying the construction materials got a big bonus.

bullet + + + 666,000 diabolical hi-viz protesters out on the streets all over France on 3rd Saturday of Month + + + Official estimates somewhat less + + +

There's no pleasing some people
bullet Lots of members of Scotland's rural population, particularly in the Highlands and Islands, agitated for broadband connections as a 'uman bluddy right. But now that they have them, they're beefing about the 800% rise in online crime as a result of the internet access which they demanded.

reader comment“How do you know you're hearing from a clueless loser? When the people making money out of anti-racialism in sport campaigns blame it on Brexit.” D.T.W.

bulletThought For The Week : There is no bile like that frothing from a bitter Bremoaner!

bullet The Germans are going to crack down on share purchases and acquisitions of strategic companies by firms operating in countries outside the EU. Something aimed at us post-Brexit? Nope, they're worried about a (hostile) Chinese takeover of vital infrastructure.

bullet Marchers were out on the streets of Italy as well as France. But in this case, they were illegal immigrants and their friends protesting against a new law which makes it easier to expel unwanted new arrivals.

T.B. LiarWhat's he up to now?
bullet The man who plunged his country into an illegal war in Iraq is up to no good in Europe. He sez he's just sorting out all this Brexit nonsense and keeping us in the EU as a personal favour to the nation.
    Given his record for honesty, the EU needs to keep looking over its collective shoulder for an invading army on its way to back up President A.B. Liar's personal ambitions in Europe.

More suicide by mouth
bullet The vegan food fad is causing widespread malnutrition in First World countries, including the UK. The lack of essential nutrients in a plant-based diet is creating gangs of brittle-boned vegans to add to the host of problems already created for health services by the obese.

bulletAccording to official sources, all government files with the prefix 'LGM' are related to 'less germane matters'. Taxpayers are advised to draw their own conclusion.

New definition of 'smart' needed
bullet The annual crash rate is 16 stationary vehicles per 100 miles of motorways which use the hard shoulder as a fourth lane to create an officially named smart stretch of motorway.
    This is 10 times the corresponding crash rate for 'dumb' motorways with an emergencies only hard shoulder, a survey by Highways England for 2017 has found.

Shoot it if you've got it
bullet The Thames Valley police farce has decided to decriminalize possession of Class A drugs. Anyone caught in possession of heroin, coke, etc., about their person can expect the illegal pharmaceuticals to be confiscated and then to be sent on their way after a stiff talking to.
    This pragmatic approach is designed to reduce police time wasted on pointless form-filling and save money by not taking people to court to get a slap on the wrist.

Political unreality
Far Queue symbol June 2016 80% of Labour MPs passed a vote of no confidence in their then leader, Oh, Jeremy Corbynski. And yet he's still in place.
    December 2018 63% of Conservative MPs passed a vote of confidence in their leader, and TheRazor May stagggers on.
    Based on the Labour party's rules, she should still be in place in 2118!

Holy unreality
Far Queue symbol It comes as no surprise that there is a widespread culture of bullying in the organization which lectures the football industry in Britain on racialism.
    The holier-than-thou people feel, the less tolerant they are to the behaviour of those around them and failures to obey their every word and whim. This always leads to bullying and harassment.

bullet + + + Russian spy ship runs aground whilst shore-surfing off Falmouth + + + Ship resisting attempts to refloat it at high tide in gales and severe weather + + + Crew suspected of trying to spend Xmas ashore in England + + +

One step sideways, ten steps back
bullet Yorkshire Tea has made its teabags fully biodegradable by eliminating the plastic sealing compound used to glue the two membranes together. Unfortunately, the teabags are now instantly biodegradable. They come apart on exposure to hot water and create a planet-saving, nasty sludge at the bottom of the cup.

Blind EAR
bullet Russia's official Election Agency (Rigging) didn't even pretend to third-party its attempts to interfere with the 2016 presidential election in the USA. Why? Because EAR knew that the large sofa media companies; Fakebuk, Gooble, Twatter, etc., were completely unaware of what was going on, experts at Oxford U. have discovered. Either because they didn't look or they weren't bothered.

More gesture politics
bullet People who fled from Germany in the 1930s to get away from the Narzis are being offered compensation. Surprisingly, they will be getting it from the German government, not the British government, that well known soft touch and total mug where refugees, genuine and bogus, are concerned.
reader comment“Smart move, leaving it until a couple of decades into C21, when most of them will have died.” J.G.
[10% are still living and about to cop for €2,400 apiece. Ed.]

Wimpsville or a self-fulfilling prophecy
reader comment“The global warming fraudsters are telling us that our weather is going to get more Xtreme. And lo! when it gets a bit chilly, or a bit warm, it's 'Oh, misery me!' on the sofa media and a chorus of complaints about how terrible things are from people who have no memories of the winter of 1947.
    “That's when a post-war Labour government was in office and it let the miners throw a major wobbly. No coal, no heating, no power, no nuffink.
    “Xtreme? Phtui! The snoflake wimps have no conception of what the word really means.” S.M.
reader comment“We're being told that this year's winter will make the Beast From the East look like a mild chill. We must brace ourselves for lotz of fear and trembling on the sofas.” C.A.

Far Queue symbol The price of failure? 15 million quid, in the case of Miserable Mourinho.

About face
bullet Japan is going back into the aircraft carrier business as the shadow of the nation's atrocities committed locally in the 1930s and during World War 2 fades. The line is that they need to counter the threat of China's belligerent navy in seas containing Japan's remoter islands as the pupil applies lessons learnt from the master.

Far Queue symbol [The reason why we're not reporting an instance of O.J. Corbynsky lying to the House of Common Criminals is that he does it all the time and it's not news. Ed.]
reader comment“It was a nice little earner for the lip-readers, though; confirming he was lying.” T.L.
reader comment“Mrs. Corbynski sez it's not his fault and he can't help it? Okay, that makes everything all right.” S.D.
reader comment“Predictably, Corbyn's little man in the Commons, the Squeaker, Berko, did nothing. He has form for the same offence and he's clearly trying to get it classed as normal behaviour for oiks.” A.L.

Far Queue symbol The bank Santander has been fined £32.8 million for trying to hang on to £183 million in accounts opened by (subsequently) deceased customers. No explanation was on offer for why the fine was 18% of the guestimated total.

A shot on target
reader comment“Legitimate targets for the 'stupid woman' tag include everyone who bangs on about a People's Vote. Yes, that includes you, Amber bluddy Rudd.” S.Y.

 WEEK 4 

Pissants Everywhere
bullet One was the berk who was flying a drone around Gatwick airport. The others were the so-called authorities, who sat on their hands all day instead of getting the army in to shoot down the drone – something which should have been done within an hour of its appearance; and then let the berk and his drone get clean away.

No harm, no foul or Berks Everywhere
bullet Surprise! The Tory party sees nothing wrong with using satire to make a political point, and it's not a criminal offence to think that women wearing a berko look like bank robbers or letter boxes.
    Conservative MPs, including Boris Johnson, still have freedom of expression. In fact, the only berk to emerge from the attacks on Boris Johnson is the party chairman, B. Lewis, who blew a big chunk of party funds on political game-playing and failed miserably in his attempt to 'Get Boris'.

bullet Attempts by the Japanese to resume commercial whaling are being sabotaged by their Snoflakes, who won't eat whale meat. As a result, any future whaling operations will be just uneconomical episodes of political posturing.

bullet Baroness Chuckabutty of the Quango Circuit has been appointed to investigate O.J. Corbynski's inappropriate remarks in the Commons and ladle on some whitewash. Assuming there is any left over from her investigation of anti-Semmitism in the Labour party.

Entitlement, but not as we know it, Jim
bullet The currently ongoing Rowling PA trial is putting some interesting mitigating factors forward. Apparently, it is okay to steal from one's employer if she doesn't want to be disturbed when she is busy writing one of her epics, and also if the employer's husband sends an email challenging the predation.

Buy one, get one frog

“I was SO sure that ‘buy one, get one frog’ had to be a misprint!”

You're all morons!
bullet Xmas and birthday cards fuel binge drinking, a pair of health officials in Devon would have us believe. Why? Because they think that the recipients are too dim to realize that images of legglessness are not to be taken seriously.

Supporting home industry
bullet An enterprising pizza outfit has gained some free publicity by announcing that it won't be held to ransom by Europeons and it plans to buy its mozzarella cheese from Welsh producers coz it's better than the stuff that comes from Italy, as confirmed by blind taste tests.

Out in the cold
bullet Labour will never by forgiven if it facilitates Brexit, we are assured, and the Tories will never be forgiven if they deliver it. Which raises the question of which fringe party will gain the benefit of the luvvie vote come the next general election?

bullet The government in Putinstan is blaming BBC bias for extending its blocking of broadcasts by the BBC's Russian Service and World Service news programmes. The Beeb, it seems, is too biased in the direction of telling uncomfortable truth when it takes a break from Tory-bashing.

A point thoroughly missed
reader comment“Apparently, conventional clocks are being removed from schools because the kids are used to digital displays and they don't know how to interpret a clock with hands.
   “Just a thought — but shouldn't places of learning be teaching the kids how to tell the time from a clock with hands?” T.B.

A point thoroughly missed; Take 2
reader comment“It's quite funny to hear the advocates of diversity having a go at the likes of President Trump, Nigel Farage, Jacob Rees-Mogg, et al for daring to differ from the ranter's point of view. Do they ever think about what they're saying? Probably not.” D.M.

Out in the cold
bullet "Consumers are changing their habits and helping the planet" Bollocks! "It's a worrying truth that the planet is in trouble" More bollocks!
    This is the sort of tripe which Smart Energy GB, a government propaganda outfit, is putting in newspapers — at great expense to the taxpayer — to promote the smart meter fraud.
    Let us be clear. No consumers will save any cash at all as a result of having a smart meter installed because any apparent savings will be more than swallowed up by the background charges for promoting and implementing the fiasco.

Go like that . . . and go wrong! [Laugh In? 1970s?]
bullet The Gatwick airport drone shutdown has all the hallmarks of a UFO incident. No one took a picture of the alleged drone and there were just reports from unreliable human beings of seeing 'something'.
    The Sussex police farce is in full cover-up mode after being obliged to release without charge, a couple who failed to pony up a confession despite being banged up for 36 hours. Whilst they did provide the Sussex police with a short-lived 2 Suspects Busted headline, the fallout from coppers rampaging through the home of two obviously innocent people with zero evidence in their hip pockets will take some time to disperse.

bullet Gatwick buzzed by UFO? Cudda bin an IFO!**
    ** Imaginary flying object
update We have airports closed down by phantom drones. The Italians, in the south anyway, do it because of ash clouds spewed out by Mount Etna's latest bellyache. Just a minor inconvenience in Etna terms, according to the experts. Etna hasn't popped off seriously for a decade now.

Merry Xmas 2018

Political amateur exposed
bullet The French president seems rather surprised that his opponents on the nasty left of politics have taken over the hi-viz tax protests and used them as an excuse for general purpose anti-government riots. Poor, naive sod if he didn't expect it.

Not your Xmas, mine!
bullet There is a tide of opinion sweeping in the direction of making Xmas a moveable feast. This is for the benefit of everyone who ordered stuff from Amazon but didn't get it delivered in time.
    People in this awkward state will be allowed to reschedule their holiday break to a date after the delivery is made. And Amazon will have to pay any costs arising — out of the profits it doesn't pay tax on.

Today's piece of random wisdom
bullet There are horse whisperers and dog whisperers but the trade that takes the biscuit is the cat whisperer, a profession involving a training period well beyond the life span of any cat and probably also well beyond the life span of even the longest-lived strain of human beings.

Amazing what can be accomplished when there is goodwill on both sides
bullet Britain and Switzerland have come to agreement on the issue of their nationals living in the other country. Everyone will enjoy more or less the same rights that they do now, despite Brexit. Both parliaments are expected to ratify the deal before the end of next March.
    Britain and Switzerland have also reached agreement on a deal which will become the basis for business and trade relations between them after the UK quits the European Union; either with a trade treaty or without one.

 WEEK 5 

Romiley News
bullet Shoppers out and about in the village to find out which premises were open for business on the day after Boxing Day were horrified by the sight of both pavements leaking floods of water on either side of Compstall Road opposite Romiley Forum.
    The recorded voice for United Utilities was put on overtime, making reassuring phone calls to local residents to tell them first, that the leak was known about, then that there were people working on it and sorry for the inconvenience and low water pressure.
update Having stopped the leak, United Utilities seems to have abandoned the 'open grave' in the road — that's how a local shopkeeper described it. With the New Year Bank Holiday coming up, Romiley's main road is looking like somewhere to avoid at least until after the first week of January 2019.

What about diversity?
bullet Labour's townies have thrown another wobbly at those evil people who live in the countryside. The death penalty for people who indulge in fox-hunting is their latest hysterical outburst and manifesto pledge.

The saga drones on and on and on
bullet The government has blasted the Sussex police farce for daring to suggest that there might not have been any drones buzzing about Gatwick airport. But the real mystery that remains is why, in this camera-obsessed age, were there some 200 reports of sightings of a UFO but not one solitary picture on someone's phone?
update A controlling stake in Gatwick airport has been bought for £2.9 billion by Vinci Airports — a French outfit, despite the name, which owns 46 airports in 12 countries in Europe, Asia and South America.

This week's consumer message
bullet Customers are advised that any buzz word which starts with 'pro', e.g. progressive, heralds a swindle and any concept prefaced by 'smart', e.g. meters or motorways, will be vastly overpriced and not fit for service.

bullet Project Bremoan is forecasting at least 18 months of doom and deepest gloom starting on March 30th next year. There's something to look forward to!

It's only taxpayers' cash after all
bullet More hypocrisy from the green and festering lobby. They're on the case of the Transport Department for not blowing millions of pounds of taxpayers; cash on hybrid cars, which cost millions more than petrol cars to buy, run and maintain.

bulletQ: Why are Britain's 'business leaders' and politicians always so gloomy?
bulletA: Because they're stuck so deep in a rut that they can't see anything else.

bullet Police in Denmark are having to deal with a Xmas crime wave with (attempted) burglaries everywhere. Let us hope there are a bit more competent and less crime-tolerant than our own police farces here in the UK.

bullet Mount Etna's current bout of indigestion with earthquakes has now been reclassified as a major eruption. As there has not been a major here since 2008, there is a suspicion that the Italians are egging the pudding a bit to compete with the Anak Krakatau eruption in Indonesia and to maintain their standing in the Global Active Volcano Index.

It's only taxpayers' cash after all
bullet In-cell plumbing, a phone in every prison cell at a cost of £17,000,000 — what next? A free broadband connection and the governor's credit card number so that the convicts in his care can do on-line gambling and buy porn?
    This is clearly the Tories making a determined bid for Labour's traditional criminal vote.

Stupid Commie** not trying?
bullet O.J. Corbynski has been declared the world's fourth biggest threat to Jews by a Jewish special interest group in the United States. He has vowed to claw his way into the top three in the new year.
[** No, we did not call him a stupid commie, your eyes are deceiving you. Ed.]

bullet If you want to be on a flight with a nutter aboard — hopelessly drunk or just plain crazy — choose Ryangrounded, which seems to attract them as well as masochists.

Sensitive soul wounded
bullet Apparently, O.J. Corbynski isn't doing anything about the surge of anti-Semmitism in the Labour party because he's in a state of shock caused by being accused of anti-Semmitism. At least, that's the excuse trotted out by one of his air-head ladies. [Lady Nugee. Ed.]
bullet Also in a state of shock is the Chinese government, which has been deeply wounded by the suggestion that it would use electronics created by Chinese firms to spy on 5G mobile phone networks if such components are permitted into the UK. Nobody is in a state of shock because the Chinese are denying spying activities for which they are notorious.

The train not approaching your station . . .
bullet Train companies are gritting their teeth for when a GPS tracking system goes into service. It will be able to locate a train's position to within a few yards and trigger automatic "Lying bastards!" counter-messages when a train company claims that a train which is running late is on time.
    Five operators will be using the system in January 2019 and a nationwide roll-out is expected to be completed by 2024. Unless some bum screws up, which is what usually happens with such schemes.
bullet A plan to install rotary brushes at the front of trains to sweep leaves off the track ahead of them is still on the back burner because the trade unions don't want the train operators to be able to sack their members, who do such a lousy job of keeping the railways clear of deadly leaves in the autumn.

From your science correspondent:
bullet Talking about 'junk DNA' in the human body just because the person concerned has no idea of its function and context can lead to dangerous complacency.
    If someone has no knowledge of computers and data storage, a flash drive is just something which could be threaded on a fine chain and worn as a pendant. And the wearer would never know that the ornament contains the virus which wiped out the previous civilization and could wipe out the wearer's when it becomes advanced enough.

Also from your science correspondent:
bullet There is no such thing as loss of biodiversity because there is no set amount of it. Species die out because they are no longer relevant to the ecology and the state of the planet. Not many dinosaurs around, are there?
    But every time a species becomes extinct, a gap for a new species to fill opens up. And it doesn't matter if human scientists never got round to logging the existence of the extinct species. The Universe doesn't care.

Well, there's a thing!
bullet The chief constable of the Sussex police farce has admitted that some of the 200 drone sightings around Gatwick airport could well have been police drones looking for the alleged UFOs.
    He and his fellow officers are still in full 'not me, Gov' mode over the couple who were busted without cause, and banged up for a day and a half while their home was turned upside down by a police search.
    Apparently, some copper thinking they might-possibly-maybe have been involved in the drone fiasco is still grounds for making an arrest with full publicity. And the Chief Con. thinks the police did them a favour by offering a free gulag experience.

bulletToday's French phrase is: Vujà Dé
What does it mean? "I know how this is going to turn out and it's not going to be good!"

Fair's fair, you creep
Far Queue symbol EC president J.-C. Druncker thinks Britain should stop expecting the EU to solve our Brexit problems. Given that he and his cronies caused 99% of them, no surprise that we want out.

The right stuff
reader comment“I spotted an interesting comment in a tribute to the late Sister Wendy, the Carmelite nun who made a splash as a TV art pundit in the 1990s. According to the tribute-writer, she described Damien Hirst's pickled animal carcases as 'not worth a second look' because she was too polite to say that they are at the farty end of arty-farty.” D.S.

Far Queue symbol The BBC has announced that the ex-footballer Gary bloody Lineker can continue to put anti-Brexit messages on auntiesocial meeja because he is not a news reader and therefore a person of no consequence.

Tough action needed
bullet Bloody Iranians, eh! They're still sneaking across the Channel and the Home Sec. with party leadership ambitions, Vajid Javid, has been forced to cut short his winter break in Sarf Efrica to sit at his desk in London and pretend that he can do something about them.
    Sending the SAS over to France to tell the people smugglers that they are going to be taxed would be a good idea. Especially if the tax rate is set at $2,000 for every $1,000 they rake in.

bulletOur New Year resolution: To do all we can to advance the progress of global warming, if only to nark the grumpy GW fraudster zealots.

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