Romiley became a bank-free zone this month. The TSB deserted us ages ago – long before being swallowed by Lloyds. Barclays and NatWest went in more recent times. The Royal Bank of Scotland has now claimed 'last rat' status.
“We're already doing our bit for Brexit by no longer buying goods produced and manufactured in the EU. We're going to Buy British or non-Europeon, or do without.”
29 Days to go to Brexit . . .
Ugh! Foreign! Nasty!
The Bremoaners keep telling us that we'll be back in the EU once all those oldies who voted to Leave die off. This turn of events is becoming more and more likely, according to the experts, who are expecting superbugs to see off increasing numbers of oldies as current antibiotics become useless for disease repair and control.
But there is growing evidence that youngies are not too thrilled by Europe either—as shown by the dramatic fall in the number of schoolkids going in for GCSEs in Europeon languages. Oh, dear! It's a hard life, being a miseryguts Bremoaner.
If there's one thing we know for sure about the people running the State, it's that they can't be trusted
The big question of the day is 'Should we be bovvered that the state wants to claim useful bits of corpses via a presumption of consent to donate bill?'
Probably, given that there are doctors around who would have no problem with introducing a modified Liverpool Care Pathway to steer people they consider unworthy out of life so that they can be hacked up to the benefit of more worthy customers.
Amazon boss J. Bezos is being mocked big time for his notion that space colonies in orbit housing a trillion or so people will be built in the near future. And quite rightly.
“Does anyone seriously believe that Pakistan and India are going to start using nukes on each other over Pakistan's colonies of terrorists in Kashmir? Not when there are much cheaper options available, especially to a state which shelters all sorts of terrorist gangs, which could be sent south on suicide missions.” R.W.
Realigned Wisdom: If you remember the Sixties . . . you weren't a drugged-up zombie at the time.
The Nasty Party at play
The Corbynnies of the Labour party are playing the Fake News card in response to revelations of more instances of the now institutional anti-Semitism in the party.
Other cards being played include: 'present but not involved' [O.J. Corbysky], 'let me address another, unrelated issue' [deputy leader T. Watson, a.k.a. the Nonce Finder General], and 'lie and tough it out' [substitute chancellor J. McDonnell].
The Dutch have now realized that a no-treaty Brexit will clobber EU countries which are already in an economic Brown Hole, and they will suffer like the hated British.
Britain's MPs are not bovvered by what happens over Brexit as they have just copped for an inflation-busting 2.7% pay rise.
The appalling G. Galloway hopes to rejoin Labour after being chucked out as a traitor during Tony B. Liar's warmongering era. He wants his arrival to coincide with the departure of the Nonce Finder General following the rule: 'One rotter in, One rotter out'.
28 Days to go . . .
Good News: The Sun has found its way back to Romiley.
Bad News: It's the calm before Storm Freya hits from the Atlantic tomorrow.
“Things have come to a pretty pass when we're relying on the Labour party to torpedo Bremoaner Chancellor Hammond's Stealth Death Tax on probate charges. That's assuming Labour's promise to force a vote on the tax next month is worth anything; unlike their manifesto pledges.” C.T.
Innocent coz we say so
The local party organizations in Labour constituencies are busy having meetings to pass motions declaring that anti-Semitism is not a problem within the Labour party.
This dash for self-certification could have interesting implications if it catches on. Suppose the convicts in British prisons hold meetings and declare themselves not to be evil and vicious criminals! Will the government take them at their word, let them go and solve the prison overcrowding problem at a stroke?
We've had Home Secretaries in the past who would have been daft enough to do this; and the list includes the ex-Home Sec. who is now our Prime Monster.
“Letting the gaolbird MP F. Onasanya stroll back into the House of Common Criminals wearing an electronic tag has to be pushing diversity way too far.” H.P.
German cars, eh!
Pratingha Bhout, our activities correspondent writes:
People who are flash enough, or foolish enough, to buy a BMW car could find themselves the proud owner of a novelty barbeque. Separate faults associated with the exhaust and air conditioning systems make Beemers liable to burst into flames without warning.
BMW are in trouble for dragging their feet over warning at-risk owners and recalling their cars to fix the faults.
No Highway or Can't Do Rulz, UK
Stansted airport was at a standstill for three hours yesterday when a plane aborted a take-off on the runway after an engine failure.
Strange that no one thought it would be a good idea to drive a tractor over to the plan and tow it out of the way. Or maybe the people running the airport think that travellers actually enjoy hanging around their premises during endless delays.
27 Days to go . . .
The son of O. bin Laden has been stripped of his Saudi citizenship for the wrong sort of terrorism and there's a $1M bounty on his miserable bonce.
“Ich bin Laden; du bist Laden; er, sie, es ist Laden — the language of terrorism.” L.G.
A fun evening at the cinema?
Someone has actually made a film about a hissy pant-wetter, who sues his parents for bringing him into a world he can't handle — without lots of cash and apologies from them.
We won't be surprised if the production team end up on the wrong end of a class action by the Snoflake community for bringing them into even more disrepute.
Back towards the biz
SpaceX has moved a step closer to delivering American astronauts to space from American soil following NASA's humiliating exit from orbital transport, which left the Americans reliant on the goodwill of the Putinocracy.
A successful launch of a mannequined capsule from the Kennedy Space Centre was followed in due course by an equally successful docking at the International Space Station and the delivery of 90 kgs. of supplies.
Boeing will follow with their unmanned test next month(?) and there are manned flight planned for July (SpaceX) and August (Boeing).
Good news for Scotland – our neighbours have been officially spared the attentions of Storm Freya, which means all the more for those living further south.
Any amount of digging is too much
The Chinese government is on a hiding to nothing with it's defence of the embattled Huawei electronics firm. On the one hand, it's a government backing one of its own firms, which is expected and no guarantee of probity. On the other, it's a government seeking to put electronics with spying potential into sensitive places in foreign countries to its own advantage.
26 Days to go . . .
Unnatural wastage
The number of bus journeys in Scotland has fallen by 100 million over the last decade. The government there is baffled but it could be something to do with the way that local councils have been allowed to let bus services wither away.
Your problem, mate
It's rather rich of the former boss of the Police of the Metropolis to sound off about the current epidemic of teenage knife crime seeing that the roots lie in his period of less than sterling leadership.” X.P.C.
Bad faith on both sides
“Should we be surprised that 'The Government' has let Bremoaners make a complete bog of getting us out of the EU from the very start? Not really because, by and large, 'The Government' is pretty useless.
“Look at H2S—which is now beyond budgetary control and serving only to pay fatcat salaries to the people who aren't getting it off the ground— that's 'The Government' in action (or what passes for action).
“Look at the problem of keeping the lights on. 'The Government' is great at closing down highly efficient coal-fired power stations and totally useless at providing cost-effective alternatives.
“No, with 'The Government' in charge, Brexit was always doomed to become a shambles, and with the EU involved, it was always doomed to end in a last second scramble.” D.E.
Freya was a bit noisy when Romiley residents were watching the crap U.N.C.L.E. rip-off film on Channel Five, and anyone putting bins out during an ad break didn't linger because it was freezing bloody cold outside, but we dodged the bullet.
Public Service Announcement He's been called the Blogger of the Decade
His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now! |
25 Days to go . . .
. . . and there is an excellent prospect that some bank or other will have an IT collapse on each of them and create lotz more angry customers.
The experts at Which? magazine have calculated that banks and building societies suffered 302 payment glitches, major and minor, during the last 9 months (that's 275 days) of 2018.
'Computer say no' is now the banking default.
Just Tepid Air
Stet Devretner, our meeja correspondent, writes:
What has the surge in communications done for politicians? In the good old days, they could command respect because they were remote figures and the BBC and the newspapers deferred to them.
Then came the information explosion.
The sins of politicians, and others in the public eye, can no longer be covered up; even imaginary ones. Every jumped-up interviewer feels free to display appalling bad manners to them in the name of personal publicity, and the more politicians put themselves about on auntiesocial meeja, the more they confirm what shallow, treacherous, self-serving idiots a lot of them are—the ones who are more than just space-filling cannon-fodder.
What has the surge in communications done for politicians? A lot, and most of it to their detriment.
But at least we know why Brexit is such a disaster—it's all down to the clowns at home and abroad who are messing about with it.
We're expected to admire Labour's deputy leader because, having shed 7 stones, he's the new slimline T. Watson. Unfortunately, he's also still the same old slimeline T. Watson and not a better person because of it.
"Brexit is the symbol of Europe's crisis" claims President MacRon. Wrong! It's just being used to blame the endemic shambles in the French public sector, which leaps out on strike at the feeblest excuse and has a permanent can't do attitude.
Really Nasty Weather
One of the five tornadoes which struck Alabama and Georgia at the weekend has been upgraded to F-4. It chewed up everything in its path with 170 mph winds and scoured a track 1,500 yards wide for 24 miles. It is now officially the worst one since an F-5 tornado touched down in Oklahoma in May 2013.
The experts in Canada reckon that the snowy winters of the 1950s are a thing of the past and the number of days when there is at least a sprinkling of snow on the ground has reduced significantly. Which explains why kids are having to fit wheels to sledges which are used on just a couple of days per year here, and why a pair of snowboots never wears out.
24 Days to go . . .
The pension age for men and women hits 65 today. The Equality In Pensions movement is now launching a campaign to obtain compensation for the men who were unfairly expected to toil until 65 when women could retire at 60. The 'uman bluddy rights industry is expecting to make a mint out of this.
Alternatives exist
Gravelee Binbo, our TV correspondent, writes:
How do the major channels get away with offering so much in the way of repeats and newly made rubbish? Only because viewers have stopped making complaints, which they know won't receive any attention. They just turn instead to the minor channels where they can watch repeats of the likes of The Equalizer and Diagnosis Murder, and know they'll be entertained.
Lotz & Lotz of Alternatives exist
How do you get away with charging 15 quid for one single cup of coffee? Tell the punters its totally wonderful and out of this world, and available in incredibly short supply.
A marketing strategy like that will soon attract enough mugs with their tongues hanging out and their debit cards at the ready to hoover up every available drop.
“Unfit for public office—wasn't that the verdict on Lord Forkbender when he was the Dome Secretary and running the Millennium Dome into the ground? And wasn't he one of the Tony B. Liar stooges who persuaded the then Attorney General to declare the illegal war against Iraq in 2003 legal?
“He sounds just the bloke to apply another coating of whitewash to the Labour party over anti-Semitism. Of course, the present he'll get afterwards is a bit of a problem. Lady Chuckabutty was elevated to the House of Frauds for her whitewash job. But old Forkbender is already there.” N.A.C.
Expansion plan
Despite global warming and sea levels rising to head-height everywhere, allegedly, eleven new islands have emerged off the Danish coast in the last three years. They have all been declared nature reserves and have become homes for nesting colonies of birds.
Such islands appear and disappear according to where the sea is depositing material eroded from the coast and islands which have become inconvenient. Environmentalists are currently monitoring a whole collection of these small islands and ready to start jumping up and down and screaming "Extinction!" the next time one disappears.
“September 13th, 1999—the Moon was blown out of Earth orbit! Don't remember it but it must be true. There was a documentary about it called Space 1999 on the Forces TV channel last night. Memory ain't what it used to be. Dumping all that radioactive waste on the Moon was a terrible idea.” C.S.
“The replacement Moon the Chinese put up there looks quite convincing!” A.B.
23 Days to go
"If you want trusted, impartial news, good luck finding it!"
The BBC is in trouble for turning its back on real news, which it is institutionally unable to report without a lefty luvvie bias, and substituting celeb puff and frivolous fillers of no public service value.
Ofgem, the regulator, is currently doing an audit of the quality of the BBC's offerings and the value-for-money provided to those who don't live in the metropolitan luvvie bubble.
Global Warming Swindle banned
The Smart Meter promotion industry has been banned from issuing advertisements claiming that smart meters save energy. All they do, the regulator has informed the industry, is report consumption and it is up to a customer to reduce consumption if they want to reduce their bills. Or reduce the increase in their bills when the unit price is jacked up.
The Court of Appeal has rejected an application from 28-day gaolbird MP S. Onasanya (Lab.) to have her conviction quashed. Her constituents are now free to petition for a by-election. No doubt she'll end up with a huge pay-off and pension to keep her warm if she is evicted from Parliament.
Those whom the Gods would destroy, they first make mad . . .
President MacRon of France has offered further proof that high office softens the brain by claiming that the euro has brought prosperity to Europe.
The entire bloc is currently either sinking into recession or sinking deeper into recession, especially in the South, and Greece keeps talking about ditching the euro as its only hope of salvation.
And the Yellow Vest Pests have been on the streets again in France for the 16th weekend in a row.
Institutions redefined: FBI – Federal Bastion of Ignorance
Time Warp
The BBC culture of repeats is so deeply ingrained that whoever wrote the BBC Sounds crapp assumed that users would want to listen to episodes of The Archers from 2011 rather than current ones.
The BBC is intent on shutting down the Radio iPlayer service, which works, by the end of the year and forcing customers to use the Sounds crapp, which doesn't.
Industrial-level theft from savers
Surprise! The debate about which non-white minor footnote in history should grace a new £50 note is about to become irrelevant. The banks have decided that paper money and coins are inconvenient and, like bank branches which people can visit, should be abolished.
In future, everyone will have a bank card, which will also serve as a stealth identity card if the government gets its way, and all transactions, however small, will have to be carried out electronically.
Assuming computer isn't saying "No way!" on a bad hair day for information technology.
The taxman is also keen to see an end to the cash sector of the economy.
Making transactions cash-free would allow the banks to charge a profit-generating fee for the use of a debit card. Pay up or get lost will be their message. And there is enormous commercial spying potential in a record of every purchase made by everyone.
Online crime will got through the roof if cash is abolished. The banks know this but they see it as a necessary price to pay for the huge increase in their profits, which they can expect when cash becomes history.
Banks will be able to charge customers for looking after their money—in practice, offer a negative interest rate on savings—in the absence of cash which can be stashed.
22 Days to go
The will ain't there
The government is on a hiding to nothing over knife crime. Even if a life sentence were made mandatory for possession of a zombie knife, the diversity mob and judges would ensure that no one is ever sent down for . . . 7 years? less?
The Blairites in Labour have taken revenge on the Corbyn leadership by shopping them to the Equalities and 'Uman bluddy Rights Commission for being anti-Semitic.
Meanwhile, the Corbynnies are playing the denial card for all they're worth [which ain't much, Ed.] and also the 'abolish the EURC becoz it's a failed experiment' card.
Out in force
The Yellow Vest Pests in France have prepared a rolling three-day action plan for this coming weekend, starting today.
They intend to include Charles de Gaulle airport in the transport shutdowns inflicted by striking public sector skivers on ports and Eurostar train services, and there will be a Women's Day march tomorrow. The ladies will be allowed to chose their own vest colour: yellow, pink, purple or red.
In Spain, (some of) the female population, with the aid of trade unions, marked today's International Women's Day with a strike in an attempt to appear more like men.
The people should be told
“Does O.J. Corbynsky have a vampire-slaying business on the side? It's difficult to think of another reason why he would need a stakeholder manager. After all, it's a bit much to expect an old bloke like him to carry his own stakes. Or the hammer.” F.B.
Stick it to 'em!
The Dutch, at least, are taking sanctions-busting by the North Koreans very seriously. Inspectors boarded a ship allegedly bound for China and found 90,000 bottles of Russian vodka hidden away. They were acting on a tip-off but they had to locate one single container on a ship loaded with 8-9,000 of them.
As ordinary citizens of North Korea live in abject poverty, the inspectors could be confident that they would be depriving only wealthy cronies of President Kim and his military of their tipple.
Another—well overdue—small step
The SpaceX Dragon demonstration capsule has completed its mission to and from the Interplanetary Space Station successfully. Having delivered 90 kg. of supplies to the orbiting space station, it was detached from the ISS, negotiated re-entry into the atmosphere and landed by parachute in the Atlantic Ocean near a waiting recovery ship.
The pilot, a crash test dummy called Ripley, reported a very comfortable soft landing at 13:34 GMT today.
Prince Harry is expected to run out of credibility well before the end of this month.
21 Days to go
Attention e-ciggers!: You are all going to die of a heart attack.
Ain't life grand in the public sector!
The six-week job of organizing and running a recall petition in the constituency of disgraced Labour MP S. Onasanya will cost the taxpayer half a million bloody quid!!
Presumably, because the punters will be signing in gold ink on diamond-studded paper and there are lotz of free lunches to be catered.
“Labour's substitute Home Sec., D. Abbott, is trying to score political points by blaming the death of the Bride of Daesh's third offspring on the current Home Sec., Vajid Javid. It would be just as fair to blame her for failing to persuade the girl not to run away to Syria three or four years ago.” S.P.H.
Contrary to what anyone might think, Romiley, which is in the North of England, was not blanketed with snow after overnight blizzards. We're having a Jekyll and Hyde day of alternating rain/hail and sunny periods, but definitely no snow.
The Big News on auntiesocial meeja is that you don't need to chop up a pineapple to eat it. If you know the trick, you can tear it apart with your bare hands
Apparently, pineapples are actually berries and as the fruit grows, the individual berries cluster together. Each of the surface 'eyes' of a mature pineapple is actually the top of an individual berry and if you start at the top, you can pluck out and eat each eye one-by-one.
Don't phone Guinness
Customs officials at Ninoy Aquino airport in Manila have foiled an attempt at the world record for smuggling live reptiles. They pounced on four suspicious suitcases and found them full of live turtles and tortoises, each wrapped to immobility with duct tape.
Some 1,529 creatures with a street value of over $80,000 were recovered. It is thought that the record attempt was aborted when the turtle smuggler started to read the notices detailing the draconian punishments meted out to those caught in the act.
20 Days to go
Alternatives exist
Is it a tragedy of major proportions that the daffodil season will be over before Mother's Day rolls round? Of course not. Buy Mum a box of chox or a bottle of Bailey's instead. She'll appreciate it just as much as a buncha daffs. Or maybe even more.
Or, if Mum is an obese alky, buy her a book.
“Just a thought, but if Diane Abbott were a better human being, maybe she wouldn't be in fear and trembling of a bogeyperson around every corner. Or maybe she just likes thinking she's a victim.” C.T.
Nomination
There is a move afoot to make the current Transport Sec. change his name by compulsory deed poll to Grayled on the grounds that rather than failing, he has, in fact, failed totally.
Dilution, dilution, dilution
After a poor grape harvest, fakers in Italy are turning our bogus balsamic vinegar on an industrial scale to rival the production of 'nothing like manuka' honey and posh French rosé wine which is really Spanish plonk.
A quick trip to the Sainsbury's website revealed that Modena 1 Leaf can be bought for a quid a bottle and Modena 4 Leaf for a tenner. The potential customer gains the distinct impression that there should be an 'ish' inserted after the word 'balsamic' in the names of some of the cheaper offerings.
“Maybe the balsamico I get from Aldi is a bit 'ish' but I'm not going to stop putting it on my chips.” R.F.L.
The BBC is to be renamed the Boobed Broadcasting Conspiracy as staff need to be female, or to identify as such, to get the important jobs these days.
19 Days to go
More from the Magic Money Forest
Typical Labour. Their boss in Scotland; a remote and unknown figure; is promising free bus travel for everyone if they elect him but he doesn't have a clue how much it will cost [Is he Gordon Brown? Ed.] or whether there is enough money in the world (or England) to pay for it.
There's trying to pretend anti-Semitism doesn't exist and there's sheer desperation.
Striking back
80 people were injured when a Japanese jetfoil ferry was in collision with 'marine life'. It is believed that a whale rammed the ferry and that further attacks will take place if the Japanese continue with their plans to ignore international conventions and resume hunting whales for food.
A bit off course?
Foreign women marching in London to protest against violence against women and austerity in their own countries is a rather weird concept. Or maybe they think only the British would put up with a bunch of foreigners making nuisances of themselves without sending in the riot police.
Better to protest pointlessly abroad than dangerously at home.
“International Domestic Violence Day? Sounds like a recipe for trouble to me.” N.O.
The EU encapsulated
The Europeon Commission has taken 4 years to decide that bottles of fizzy mixer for gin can be labelled 'tonic' even though there is nothing in them any more to offer positive health benefits to the consumer.
Which sums up perfectly what the EU is about — meaningless bureaucracy over trivial issues for the benefit only of the EU stooges who are living off people doing useful work.
The experts have calculated that someone with malaria would have to drink 30 measures of gin and tonic to get a therapeutic dose of quinine. By which time, the patient would be too pissed to realize that there is anything wrong with him/her/it.
“Human shields or IRA terrorists—how can anyone be sure after 50 years?” F.S.
18 Days to go
A problem of technology extension
The NatWest bank is planning a trial of biometric bank cards, which will let customers verify payments with a fingerprint. Which raises the obvious security question—how are customers expected to provide the fingerprints if their local NatWest branch has been closed for their customer convenience?
“If water companies are sending Uber cabs round to video leaks so that the size of the team needed to tackle a leak can be determined, maybe pizza delivery guys can get themselves security certified and call round at the bank's customer's home at a convenient time. Could work.” P.D.G.
“Shoppers will pay the price of no deal, will they? So what else is new? The price of a box of cat food at our Sainsbury Local in Romiley shot up by 10% not so long ago. Prices go up, deal or no deal or whatever.” I.H.
Sort of labour split
A rag-tag band of toffee-nosed trot Bliarites and Brownites is forming in the Labour party. Lessmentum will seek to put a brake on the extremism of O.J. Corbynski's Momentum and seek to steer Labour back toward champagne socialist ideals, such as preventing others from sending their children to the schools attended by the Bliar- and Brownites.
The Nonce Finder General, the appalling T. Watson, is the figurehead of the new grouping, which includes among its adherents such trough-scoffers as Lords MandelSleaze and Pillock.
Italian in flap—nothing new
According to the mayor of Bologna, spaghetti bolognese is a phantom, a foreign invention which has nothing to do with his town because he doesn't approve of the traditional British recipe.
Typical politician. Either he doesn't get that the only way to disconnect the mince & onions and packet pasta version would be to rename his town; because spag bol is here to stay; or he's just an attention-seeking pillock confecting some outrage to get himself noticed.
Football safety first
Following last weekend's assault on Aston Villa's captain by a Birmingham City pitch invader fan, the FA is considering banning spectators from all Football League matches in case the next pitch invader is wearing a suicide vest.
There is said to be no truth to the rumour that the Villa captain dived before he could be hit as a conditioned reflex.
17 Days to go
2 + 1.9 = -31.742
The Chancellor is claiming that we won't be able to find the cash for his trailed £20 BILLION austerity relief package in the event of a No Treaty Brexit. But if he takes it out of the £39 BILLION which we won't have to pay to the EU, he'll still have nearly as much again to do something else.
His failure to admit this tells us as much as we need to know about his standards of political honesty.
“Maybe he needs a pair of gloves for his birthday to give him a few more fingers to count on.” C.C.
“Sadly, the lesson of history is that whatever Parliament decides, when the burrocrats get their hands on implementing it, they will bog it up and leave us even worse off than we were before the Giant Leap Forward. And the Westminster Wonders will sail on to their next round of cheap drinks and their next triumph.” F.E.
Lots of sound and fury signifying . . .
"Wireless headphones will give you cancer!" claim some experts. "No, they won't," yell others. But what we can all agree on is that experts give you a severe case of earache.
Do they know this in Westmonster?
"Everyone needs to remember that a vote against a no deal doesn't actually stop a no deal exit – only an approved withdrawal agreement or revocation of Article 50 can do that."
That's the view of a French pressure group, which is trying to persuade the EU and the UK to ring-fence the rights of their nationals, who are living and working in the enemy camp, before the bozos doing the Brexit negotions can screw things up tighter.
It's yours; hang on to it
Sir Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of the World Wide Web in 1989, is urging internet users to take and maintain complete control of their data and not let spivs bag it and sell it without permission, without checking and without responsibility. He is confident that legal restraints on data gathering and its use will be put in place eventually, but this may take a further 30 years to happen.
“If the internet was invented in 1989, how did a US computer firm manage to register the domain name symbolics.com in 1985?” C.P. [Timewarp? Black hole? Ed.]
16 Days to go
What does a woman chewing a wasp look like? ---->
“Traitor! What else do you call a prime minister who lets her ministers vote for ruling out a No Treaty Brexit and take the only bullet out of our gun?” D.E.
“The Razor May is just a busted flush after letting ministers and their bag carriers ignore a 3-line whip. She never wanted Brexit in the first place and she is clearly doing her best to sabotage it.” A.D.E.
The 20% rule
Q: What happens when the IRA in Dublin posts off five parcel bombs to addresses in the
UK?
A: Four are delivered and dealt with, one gets lost in the system.
Rule by wonky veg
What we're getting now is a taste of what life is like in those parts of the EU where there isn't a 2-party system and coalitions are the order of the day. They provide rule by a dog with multiple tails, each of which has to be wagged a certain amount.
In effect, it's rule by a collection of wonky vegetables with even the wonkiest of the wonky being able to pretend it's as straight as any EU regulation banana.
Buzz off, you drones
There is now a 5 km 'no drones' zone around each UK airport. Anyone caught endangering an aircraft with a drone can be gaoled for up to five years. But, given the current state of the courts, probably won't be.
Two-thirds of British adults and children are under the spell of smart phones and tablets, and unable to enjoy any quality time.
The consequences of weirdness
A woman with a dyed black single eyebrow, which stretches from one side of her face to the other, claims she gets death threats on auntiesocial meeja. And what? Are we expected to be surprised?
Two and a half BILLION Fakebuk addicts had to sit and twiddle their thumbs for most of a day and a night after their raison d'être became unavailable for new gushes.
Smart, but not the way we were expecting, Jim
20% of customers have found that their energy usage has increased after they allowed a smart meter to be installed.
Which kind of suggests that these meters are very good indeed at inflating apparent usage to the benefit of the supplier, but keeping the customer in the dark about what's really going on.
50% of the Smarties reported problems when switching supplier, a Which? survey reports.
15 Days to go
Don't expect sense or consistency
Labour makes BrexitRef 2 an essential piece of party policy, even though the party leader is a lifelong enemy of the EU. But he now wants a second referendum because he thinks it is to his (rather than the country's) political advantage.
There's a vote on holding a second Brexit referendum in the Commons and the party leader orders his cannon-fodder to abstain, even though wanting another referendum is party policy.
Maybe Labour needs to change its name to Confused.totally in a fit of honesty.
[Honesty in politics? Like that could ever happen. Ed.]
How jolly decent of President Trump to remind us of the advice he gave to our prime minister a couple of years ago and point out the consequences of ignoring it—namely the almighty mess Wasp Woman has got us into.
“It's amazing to be reminded that the last time a New York Mob boss was whacked was in 1985, a generation ago. No surprise, however, that the neighbours in the posh-people's area where the rubbing out took place had no idea what the dead guy did for a living.” G.F.
Blame the French
An Aussie member of the gang which massacred people at mosques in Christchurch blames the election of President MacRon, a globalist who is against white people, in France 2 years ago for radicalizing him.
He also cited the views of the French author Renaud Camus, who wrote about the disappearance of Europeans, replaced by non-European migrants from Africa. The Aussie activist doesn't want the same to happen in the southern hemisphere.
"This attack was a partisan action against an occupying force and I am a legal combatant, in uniform," he is reported as saying. He is also alleged to believe he could be in line for a Nobel Peace Prize if N. Mandela got one.
All in all, it's as convincing as anything the Islamists have come up with after one of their massacres.
“Strange he didn't take a pop at Frau Mherkel, the German supremo, who's done at least as much as her forerunners lumped together to dilute her nation's bit of Europeon culture with alien cultures.” D.K.
“Maybe he did—somewhere in his 70-odd page manifesto, which no one seems to have read.” D.K.E.
State nannies at it again
The Danish Agriculture and Food Council wants production of meat and vegetables in Denmark to involve zero net carbon emissions by 2050. Agriculture currently contributes 20% of the country's carbon dioxide emissions.
The plan appears to involve making food incredibly expensive so that the population shrinks and demand is reduced, and making farmers incredibly wealthy via compensation schemes so that having nothing much to do doesn't bother them.
Nothing has been said about methane emissions from farm animals.
14 Days to go
“Amazed that the PM survived the Ides of March (yesterday) without ending up with 41 knives stuck in her back or front. Has to be an example of the luck of the eight blind bastards.” I.C.
Oh, no! Another whinge
Our Religion Correspondent, Gorgon Morforgen, reports:
The current Archbish of Cantab has revealed that the British Empire was the Evil Empire of its day. The Somewhat Reverend J. Wailby seems to be on a virtue-signalling jihad against our nation's past.
Quite what he hopes to get out of his one-man guilt-trip crusade remains unclear, but wherever he gets his reward, it won't be in heaven as Ghod is not mocked and, as any fule kno, he is also an Englishman, who won't be thrilled by the Archbish's silly antics.
According to the experts, the mere sight of a celeb of any sort standing within a hundred feet of a bottle of booze is all it takes to send the average teenager into a binge-drinking frenzy. Such is the power of advertising.
Against Nature
Is it really a good idea to install LED strips in pavements to give mobile phone zombies a green 'go' and a red 'stop' at crossing points?
Maybe it would be better for the future of the human race to let Natural Selection take its course and wipe out anyone who can't be bothered to look where he/she/it is going.
“Where's Guy Fawkes when you need him?” D.E.
Politicians are from another planet
It's a bit late for the Liberals to be suspending their disgraced former leader D. Steel for turning a blind eye to the child abuse perpetrated by C. Smith. But it has served the purpose of bringing to light the way a politician's mind works.
Steel is reported to have concluded that as Smith was a Labourite when his initial crimes were uncovered, they couldn't be held against him once he had defected to the Liberals.
Crumbs! The experts have added eating too many eggs to the list of ways we can commit suicide by mouth.
Good news! Drinking fruit juice is still a good idea—but for how long?
The ignorant in the hands of deluders
You have to wonder what The Blob is telling schoolkids these days. Kids bunk off school to yell abuse at the PM and sing the O.J. Corbynky hymn, and expect the government to be able to change the climate on the spot—something the sods aren't doing just to be awkward.
Changing the climate is something which is well outwith the powers even of their hero, Corbynsky, but as has been reported previously, kids are like parrots, they'll repeat any old rubbish they hear from the big people around them.
And let us not forget that teachers love any excuse for a day off.
Education Sec. D. Hinds would have kids take some pride in what we have achieved on climate change in this country. Pride in a big, fat zero? Typical bloody politician.
13 Days to go
Lots of snow in Scotland on Saturday [yesterday Ed.] but none in Romiley.
Technology to the rescue
The sale of one of C. Monet's series of paintings of haystacks—expect no change from $50M if you want it—will coincide with the release of the long awaited Monet Deconvoluted app.
The French artist is notorious for the blurry pictures which he knocked out because he was too mean to buy a pair of glasses to correct his short sight. The app will allow users to sharpen a Monet image and view the scene as it would have appeared to someone with normal or corrected vision.
Not much hope for the future
Not if it's left in the clutches of the skiving schoolkids, who think that doing the 'Oh, Jeremy Corbynski' chant will have any effect on the climate.
The daft kids might think he's Ghod but challenge him to make even the smallest instant change to the climate, which they seem to think he can, and he'll come up empty every time.
No sign of the plot—it has been lost completely
According to the opinion poll experts, supporters of Brexit want a No Treaty departure and a clean break from the EU and supporters of Remain want another referendum.
What are the Westminster Wonders offering? A rotten deal that no one wants.
Big yawn in Melbin
Nobody was overcome by excitement during the opening F1 Grand Prix of the season in Australia. Congrats to Louie Samilton for maintaining the tradition of the pole-sitter not winning the race.
“Definitely no danger of the shouty bloke losing his voice.” C.P.H.
12 Days to go
Labour MP D. Lammy's pathetic whinge about white people doing good in Africa is believed to have cost the BBC's Comic Relief fund-raiser around £8 million in withheld donations.
His response to calls for his resignation, or at least an apology, is expected to be the usual—to play the victim card.
Conquering fear
Pratingha Bhout, our activities correspondent writes:
For every person suffering from FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out), the experts have calculated that there are 8.2 self-sufficient people who are enjoying a state of JIMO (Just Include Me Out). There is also a clear age split involved. FOMO is mainly a condition of the Snoflake generation and JIMO is mainly associated with mature adults.
“Have the experts also considered FOBB (Fear of Being Bored), FOJI (Fear Of Joining In) and FOBT (Fear Of Being Trolled) as subsets of JIMO?” C.I.
Vocabulary for today: errorism – the default state of government when a major project is concerned: think Millennium Dome, H2S and the 2008 Climate Change Act.
Recycled communication
Pratingha Bhout, our activities correspondent writes:
It started as an internet joke [doesn't everything? Ed.] but the news meeja are now convinced that the circled thumb and index finger gesture is a white power salute. Maybe real people can now hijack the variation used in The Prisoner—looking through the hole in the circle as a 'be seeing you' gesture.
Aim the gesture at a politician and look through the hole to tell them, "What you say amounts to nothing and I see right through you." And add a slight forward push toward the politician to the gesture for added emphasis.
Can also be used on anyone doing the 'Oh, Jezzer Cobynski' chant.
Just a nasty creep
Anyone surprised that O.J. Corbynski backed prosecuting British troops over actions in Ulster but he's cool with letting terrorists get away with everything? No? Well, he is a known pal of the IRA and he is known to do anything to get himself noticed.
11 Days to go
Worth a try!
“Britain's carbon dioxide emissions are the lowest they've been since the start of the 19th century and they amount to less than 1% of the human race's carbon dioxide emissions.
“Which means that if all those kids who went on climate change strike last week stopped breathing out carbon dioxide, they would reduce the total amount in the atmosphere by a piss-poor fraction of bugger all.
“But that's no reason for them not to have an Air-free April to save the planet.” C.F.
[That's save it from the kids, right? Ed.]
Because he could?
“Why did the judge in New Zealand order B. Tarrant's face to be pixellated but not his 'be seeing you' hand gesture? There are more than enough pix of the Aussie Mosque Killer suspect on the webthing to make the judge's gesture look megadumb.
“All the judge managed to do was underline the First Law of Jurisprudence, namely that 'For every weird decision from a judge, there is a weirder one yet to come'.” L.E.
“New Zealand seems to have hit on the strategy of turning the Aussie Mosque Killer into a non-person. He's not to be named and his picture is not to be displayed.” F.K.
“If they're looking for a lesson from history, they'll stick him in an iron mask.” A.D.P.
Bollocks to Berko – it needs to be said.
The Plymouth Ho?
The 50-Foot Woman from the 1950s B-film has been shrunk to 23 feet, cast in bronze and parked in Plymouth. The sculpture cost the taxpayer £450,000 and it is being offered as a symbol that austerity is done and dusted if that much flim can be blown on that much flam.
“It's not entirely true to say O.J. Corbynski is anti-Semitic. He's best mates with lots of Arab terrorists, and they can be just as Semitic as Jews.” A.L.S.
De-evolution in action
The reason why 20-somethings behave childishly has been revealed by the experts. People no longer have to grow up quickly just to survive in a hostile world. As a result, the onset of adulthood has been put back to 30 now and it's likely to be in a race to overtake pension age.
Q: What do high-up Fire Brigade bosses do all day instead of the job the taxpayer pays them to do?
A: Watch cartoons like Peppa Pig to see if they can find an excuse to do a whinge about something like confected sexism.
Either O.J. Corbynski is tired and fed up and ready to quit at 70 in May, or he isn't. And he has the cheek to whinge about Brexit uncertainty when he has the whole world hanging on his future.
10 Days to go
It's 1,000 days since Britain voted to leave the EU in the referendum which Dave the Leader held by mistake.
Forlorn hope
Meteorologist B. Giles would like the BBC to include climate change reporting in its weather forecasts and he's willing to come out of retirement to do it.
He would like the reports to be proper and honest, which runs into a major obstacle. The Beeb doesn't do proper or honest in its railings on climate change.
Different hemisphere, different strokes
The Turkish-born bloke who shot up a tram in Utrecht is being positioned as a crazy, drug-addicted rapist, but he has not been non-person'd.
“Interesting development in the tactics employed by the Dutch authorities — if they can reposition him as a terrorist, that makes them somehow not responsible for failing to lock up a violent sociopath who ignored bail conditions.” R.B.
The British bloke who went on a rampage in Surrey at the weekend is being positioned as a right-wing extremist but still a person.
Today's doomcast: Drinking a fizzy drink a day condemns you to an early death from heart disease and/or cancer.
Another scare: Going vegan makes your hair fall out.
How the government doesn't work
The Environment Agency reckons that Britain's taps will run dry in 25 years if we don't use less water.
Using the 25-year grace period to build more reservoirs, plug leaks, improve the distribution system and let in fewer population-bulging migrants clearly didn't occur to these particular experts.
Another health scare: Drinking tea as soon as it has been poured gives you cancer of the oesophagus.
9 Days to go
Creatures of permanent habit
The experts have worked out why people are most comfortable when the interior of their buildings is at 25 deg.C. Apparently, that's the outdoor temperature in the parts of Africa where our remote ancestors evolved (before buildings were invented) and we are programmed to recreate it.
Unconvincing expert
An expert has decided that the series of much-stolen pictures painted by E. Munch shows someone hearing Nature screaming at him rather than a bloke screaming at random or just for the hell of it.
Which is just the expert's personal explanation for why the bloke is screaming—because that is exactly what he is doing, even if it is in response to being screamed at.
Posturing Bremoaner MP D. Grieve claims he's ashamed to be a Tory. If he's serious, what he needs to do is quit his job and stop being a Tory rather than hanging about doing pathetic whinges.
Arse about face
Surprise! The planet doesn't need saving, no matter what the experts tell us. It will chug along for the next 5,000 million years until it is scheduled to be swallowed by the Sun turning in to a red giant—unless shattered by a huge chunk of cosmic debris in the meantime.
It's the people on the planet who need saving—from the spivs who are swindling them something rotten in the name of saving the planet. Which is something they have neither the ability nor the intention of doing. Because if they did save the planet, that would be a whole gang of experts out of work and off the money train.
O.J. Corbynski stands accused of going into a second childhood by refusing to stay in a cross-party meeting called by the PM because Labour defector Chunky Omunna was also there.
“Clearly, Chunky hasn't murdered enuf people to be ranked among O.J.'s pals.” C.V.
“I'm falling over in amazement at the fact that no one has played the race card in Corby's snub of Chunky. What is the world coming to when opportunities like this are neglected so shamefully?” A.T.
The PM has been accused of soliciting assaults on MPs by blaming Parliament for the shambles that is Brexit instead of her inept strategy and the uselessness of her negotions stooges.
“She should have listened to President Trump's very sound advice two years ago and stood up to the EU. But then, she is a Bremoaner at heart.” D.T.
Despite The Cuts, it would appear that the Surrey police farce remains more than willing to waste 'scarce' resources on twatting about with imaginary Twitter hate crimes.
“If there's only a bad deal on offer, just walk away.”
President Trump offers sound advice to President May, but will she have the guts to heed it?
There is no F in Brexit thanks to the Westminster Wonders
| TRAITORS
Their election manifestos both contained a promise to get us out of the E bloody U on March 29th. They have conspired and contrived to prevent this from happening. |  |
Creative accounting
Desperate for income as Brexit looms (or not), the EU has turned to the web giants as a source of funding. Thus Gooble has been done for €1.5 billion for abuse of its monopoly position to the detriment of business rivals.
The big question now is whether Gooble can shrug off the penalty, which is less than one-third of the maximum possible fine, and just accept it as the price of business as usual, and whether the EU will be prepared to take the money and sit on its hands over enforcing the rules, like it does.
Gone for good
Who sez judges don't have a sense of humour? Apart from everyone who isn't a judge, of course. The Serbian butcher R. Karadzic had the cheek to appeal against his 40 year sentence for crimes against humanity. The judges responded by telling him the original sentence was too light and Karadzic will now have to do life behind bars.
Which won't make one hell of a lot of difference to a 73-year-old.
The governor of the Bank of England is now rowing back frantically from his ludicrous Project Fear claim of a fall in house prices of 35% in the event of a no-treaty Brexit.
A question of trust
Various police forces have found themselves caught in a Catch 22 trap when they try to take lethal weapons off their streets with a knife amnesty. It seems that significant numbers of members of the public don't trust their local fuzz not to lurk near knife collection bins, waiting to bust people who don't look capable of putting up any resistance in order to massage their arrest figures upwards.
Shock then yawn
The number of drivers using a mobile phone at the wheel is rising as drivers have decided that there's not much chance of being caught and they can live with the penalties, which were doubled two years ago to 6 licence penalty points and a fine of £200.
Who needs Project Fear when you can have the CBI and the TUC ganging up to claim that a no-treaty Brexit would wreck the economy for 'generations'—i.e. a century or so. Sounds like the bosses and the comrades have had a severe attack of a mutation from the Millennium Bug.
They don't like it up 'em or Traitors are what traitors do
The sensitive flowers in the Tory party—the ones wrecking Brexit—were really hurt by the prime monster's TV message to the nation, in which she dumped the blame for no Brexit where it belongs—on their heads. [Pity she didn't grow a set a lot earlier. Ed.]
The sensitive flowers can count themselves lucky at having got off lightly. In the good old days, they'd have been locked up in the Tower of London to await an appointment for a haircut down to neck level on Tower Green.
A redundant trade?
Luminal Morshower, our securities correspondent, wonders:
Do we really need a police force? We might be better off if we encouraged doctors like Dr. Mark 'Diagnosis Murder' Sloan, priests like Father Dowling and writers like Jessica Fletcher and Castle to do more crime-busting. After all, they never fail to bag the badguywoman on TV.
The IRA is claiming that the 21 people who were killed by its bombs in Birmingham in 1974, and the 220 who were injured, were murdered or maimed by mistake. Which means that the IRA is not to blame.
There are lies, damned lies and terrorist logic.
Computer say No Highway
If you see a Volvo crawling along and getting in everyone's way, advanced technology might be to blame. Top end models are to be fitted with gadgets which will decide if the driver is too drunk to be in charge of the vehicle, which will have the option of parking and not budging if it doesn't trust the driver any more.
Bad people do bad things
“Knowing what swindlers MPs are—remember the ones who went to gaol for expenses fraud and the hundreds who got away with it—one can't help but wonder if the ones who claim they're scared to go home because they've had death threats on account of their treachery aren't living it up in some posh hotel and charging their holiday to the taxpayer.” S.E.
Maybe the organization should be renamed
the Football Contemptible
'The FA has worked tirelessly to combat anti-IRA chants sung by British fans'. Which means what? That the FA is on the side of the IRA? Well, we all know what FA usually means, especially the Sweet sort, but it looks like, in a football context, that 'A' stands for Atrocious.
Has she suffered enuf yet?
Those people who say the PM must go might even have her best interests at heart. After all, how much longer can the poor woman be expected to put up with being hugged and smooched by those poisonous reptiles who are overpaid to administer the E bloody u?
Train lateness is about to increase from April, when the grace period will be reduced to just 1 minute. More than that behind the timetable and the train will be booked in as late. Compensation will not be paid, however, unless the train is 15-30 minutes late.
Pragmatism Rulz, OK!
The NHS is becoming resigned to offering customers compensation instead of treatment. The number of customers is growing mercilessly, staff and resources are unable to keep up and the management is still being allowed to run the supply side as something which bears little resemblance to a well-organized business.
The Royal College of Physicians, meanwhile, is doing its bit to reduce the strain by ending its opposition to assisted dying. Liberal leader V. Cable has offered his support to this change of heart.
| "Did someone mention Brexit?" |  |
Bad to just as bad
Who sez the waxworks at the Home Office have no sense of humour? An Iranian, who embraced Christianity, has been denied asylum here on the grounds that there's enough violence and hatred in the Bible to make Christianity as violent as the worst excesses of Islamism, and its adherents just as undesirable.
"At this difficult time, we need a Churchill, not a Chamberlain."—S. Doubles, MP (Cons.)
Well-deserved bum's rush
Film director D. Boyle has revealed that he was shown the door when he told the James Bond film franchise that he wanted to kill off their golden goose in a megadestruction finale to the next effort.
Sometimes, life just sucks or Tails you lose either way
“The PM's big problem is that the country can't wait weeks for her party to elect a successor. We need a sub in place the following day if she quits and there isn't one waiting in the wings. [No, not Boris. Ed.] Our only options appear to be more May or a general election and another hung parliament, neither of which anyone wants.” F.W.
. . . and lose and lose
Put dogs in schools because they have a calming effect on unruly pupils, say the self-styled education experts. Don't put dogs in schools because the unruly kids upset them, say the self-styled animal experts. All of which confirms Clarke's Fourth Law—For every expert, there is an equal and opposite expert.
. . . and lose and lose
For years, the BBC has been swindling the taxpayer by pretending that staff were not employed by the BBC and not paying National Insurance contributions. The staff, meanwhile, didn't pay the right amount of income tax.
Now, the Beeb is going to swindle the licence-payer by using the licence tax to pay off the back taxes owed to HMRC. There's the real world, and there's the public sector.
. . . until the State murders you
The Yellow Vest Pests have got President MacRon so worried by their stickability and non-stop protests that he has told the police in Paris that they can shoot yellow vesters if they can cobble together enuf evidence of provocation.
There is still no F in Brexit thanks to the Westminster Wonders
The last week of the month started with the annual rise in postage charges. So that's 14/- if you want to enter the first-class lottery and 12/2½d for lower class.
Dawn to dusk only, in future
The UK's off-shore oil and gas will run out by 2030, the experts reckon, and fracking, in areas where it hasn't been bannned (like Scotland) will be made just marginally economically viable by our beloved politicians.
The reaction from the Scottish government has been a 'something will turn up' shrug. The government further south appears to be equally clueless about keeping the lights on and vehicles moving using alternatives to oil which are affordable.
“The only people likely to be happy are the Dark Skies lobby. With no power available to cause light pollution when daylight is gone, the Milky Way will be on offer again for the first time in centuries. If the sky isn't cloudy.
“Meanwhile, all the snoflake Millennials will go into meltdown with no access to auntisocial meeja when their batteries run out and there is nowhere to plug them in for a recharge.” A.R.
Child poverty in Scotland is on course to hit a 20-year high but the government there sees no reason to panic. Or to explain the differences between relative and absolute poverty.
Words for Today continued: Fakespreader—someone who harvests and spreads fake news in support of a cause, which is usually repellent to decent people.
Trump Is Innocent, OK!
The last 22 months have been a nice little earner for former FBI boss R. Mueller, a.k.a. the man who became familiar to the world via the millions of Scam Emails launched in his name.
He has failed to deliver the goods, however. The current US president's enemies have found themselves deprived of the big prize—proof that it was Russian machinations which put D. Trump in the White House, not the people refusing to stand for another Clinton.
The Democraps are now hugely disappointed and gearing up to throw a major wobbly. In the meantime, the best that they can come up with is an accusation that President Trump doesn't play golf in a fair way.
The Catholic church in Scotland is worried that expressing Catholic beliefs is on course to becoming an arrestable offence as a hate crime in the current climate of heightened sensitivity, virtue signalling and excessive pandering to tiny minorities.
Road space at a premium
France has its Yellow Vest Pests, Britain is about to acquire Brexit Van Men, who are vowing to bring traffic to a standstill with go-slows on major roads if Parliament swindles the people out of their Brexit.
the Bremoaners are threatening to clog streets with marches if they don't get their way. Curiously [or not Ed.], the police are making threats at the Brexit Van Men but planning to let the Bremoaners do anything they like.
Having lost the Jewish vote to persistent anti-Semitism, the Labour party is doing its best to cling to the Moslem vote with a campaign to position the Tories as anti-Islamic.
Disaster denied
The Norwegian cruise liner Viking Sky, which started drifting on the fourth Saturday of the month off Norway's Skeleton Coast when three of its four engines failed, has made harbour under its own steam.
Just 460 of the 1,373 people aboard were able to enjoy a ride on one of five rescue helicopters before the airlift was called off. No doubt the disappointed ones will be bunging in a compensation claim to their travel agent. As will the world's new meeja, who were deprived of a major disaster to report.
“Just think of all those New Titanic headlines that had to be scrapped.” T.S.
All quiet on the London Front
People have pointed out that D. Lammy, MP (Lab), hasn't done a whinge about white volunteers helping out in cyclone-stricken Mozambique. Something else he's not doing is going there to help.
The Treasury mandarin (retired) who inflicted H2S upon us now reckons it should be scrapped. His failure to realize its potential for getting out of control when he was in charge of it tells us all we need to know about how good he was at his job when he had one.
Nominations are now open for the person who put the END into endangered.
Only the lawyers will win
The news that two dozen genes associated with success have been identified is expected to lead to a rash of gene-therapy scandals involving either customers who expected to get rich enuf to pay for the treatment not coughing up and being sued by the therapist, or customers sueing the therapist for failing to make them smart enuf to become rich.
On a point of order—MPs can't control Brexit. Only the government has a mandate to negotiate, however badly and ineptly, with the EU.
Still on hold
Anyone hoping to add a Brexit 50p coin to their collection will have to wait until someone can tell the Royal Mint when it will actually happen.
Examples of trial coins featuring the 2019/03/29 date are expected to command a significant premium in the future.
Sabotage feared
There is a certain amount of fear and trembling going on in veggieburger circles. The veganizers are worried about creating hugely successful copies of meat product only to run into major production problems when the supply of vegetables from the Continent is blocked by the French following Brexit.
Local councils are getting the blame for failing to list as derelict, land which could be used for building up to a million houses to the relief of the Green Belt, which is under threat from local councils.
Q: Why are convicts pleased to find a dead rat at their prison?
A: Because criminals on the outside will have stuffed it full of drugs before launching the carcase over the wall.
If they don't agree with you, give 'em a slap!
One of the wimmin who are vying for the Liberal party leadership when ancient V. Cable is put out to grass has a history of getting away with assault on a bloke. Opinion is divided as to whether a tendency to get a bit handy is a good or a bad thing in a party leader.
Anything to avoid the E bloody U!
If you board a BA flight from London to Düsseldorf, where would you expect to end up? Edinburgh would be a good bet. BA is blaming a German sub-contractor, which runs the service, for the flight plan screw up.
A Ryanair attempt to poke fun at BA flopped badly when ungrateful failed travellers reminded Ryangrounded just how many of their flights fail even to get into the air.
Who took the NEGRO out of Montenegro?
Your football team is going to give up 5 goals to England because it's just making up the numbers, so what do you do? Make monkey noises at England's black players knowing that UEFA won't do anything much.
Q: What are politicians for?
A: Nothing that's of any use to the people who pay their wages seems to be the rule.
The national campaign to hoover up litter and fly-tipped junk should have been started by the Environment Department but it's being run by a national newspaper—the Daily Mail. Like the waxworks at Environment could ever get off their fat cans.
R U inactive?
If so, you could contribute to the relief of Britain's overpopulation problems by dropping dead. Couch cabbages have a 25% increased risk of an early death and the experts reckon that 70,000 of them are reaped every year—that's 11% of the UK's annual reported death toll.
“One of the brilliant ideas for avoiding doing too much sitting is to stop using the TV's remote control. Which is a wonderful idea until you find that there is just a on/off switch on the TV box and nothing to let you change channels, watch or make recrodings, etc.” S.V.
“Okay, use the remote control whilst walking round the room. Remembering, of course, that you have to keep it pointed at the box or the box won't be able to see the infrared signals.” A.V.
A million marchers against Brexit in London on the 4th Saturday of the month? Fake news, say independent experts, who were actually there. Divide by at least 10, and probably a lot more. Strange there was no sign of arch Brexiteer O.J. Corbynski.
A kinder, gentler future
Labour's appalling substitute chancellor, J. McDonnell, plans to send the civil service to re-education camps within weeks of a Labour election victory.
Within a year, he expects to have reduced the economy to a state which will make Venezuela look prosperous as a favour to O.J. Corbynski, who is a great admirer of South American regimes.
The convicted criminal in charge of the International Monetary Fund has taken a pop at international companies which dodge taxes.
How much tax does she pay on her £400,000 salary? Er, none. Nada. Not a red cent. Nothing at all.
Nike has joined the list of firms zapped by the E bloody U for unfair trading practices. €13M. Ker-ching!
Artwork recovered
A Picasso stolen 20 years ago to serve as collateral in illegal arms and drugs deals has resurfaced. It is not known how the embellishment to it will affect the value. [See bottom-right purple patch. Ed,]
 Original, 1938
|  Embellished, 2019 |
|
Fair's fair
The Washington Post seems to think that the American voter will be appalled that President Trump is taking money from military projects in Europe, which are supposed to deter Russian aggression, to build sections of border barrier to keep out Mexican criminals and illegal migrants.
But if the Europeons won't pay into NATO for their own security, why should Uncle Sam prop them up?
| Sauce for the Berk
Is Wasp Woman going to do a Berko? Will she set a definite departure date and when it arrives, just not bloody go? |  |
Medical grade cannabis may still be harmful, the experts reckon. Well, if they tell us everything under the sun is harmful, why should cannabis be left out.
“Parliament will sort out Brexit? That rudderless rabble couldn't find their own arses with both hands, a map and GPS.” E.D.E.
Pie still airborne
More than a dozen Tory MPs are poised to make a leadership bid? Have they forgotten that Mrs. May is going ONLY if her deal is voted through Parliament? Which is still looking unlikely.
One thing is for sure, it's not going to be another woman who's the last man standing, according to the bookies.
Deberkification Operation
By tradition, the Speaker for the Commons has to show mock reluctance and be dragged to his/her throne after being awarded the job. MPs have realized that they are within their rights to do the reverse if Berko gets too obstructive—drag him off his throne to make way for a more constructive deputy.
"After all," said one of the Fed Up With Berko Brigade, "he's only little. What's he going to do about it?"
It would certainly make Prime Time TV!!
Too much information and way too much fake news
“The biggest problem for America's Democratic party is that very little remains secret any more, which means that if they field an appalling presidential candidate and start a muck-raking campaign against the Republican candidate, they'll get as good as they give.
“Worse, if they try to stitch up a victorious Republican president using allies in the civil service, and downgraded heads of major agencies like the FBI, those allies will be too afraid of being exposed if they get too cute to do a competent hatchet job.
“All they'll do is seek to embarrass someone like President Trump for as long as possible before they have to throw in the towel.” E.E.
Cherie 'The Freebie Hoover' Blair would like it to be true that the first sexual experience of most African women is rape. No evidence is on offer; apparently, she just wants it to be true.
D. Hatton has abandoned his attempt to rejoin the Labour party. Looks like Corbyn Labour is too toxic even for someone like the Scouse Militant.
Local councils are always pleading poverty and railing about The Cuts, but they can still find cash for BS jobs. Like the one the beauties running N.E. Lincolnshire council have on offer—£40K for a 'people partner' with a talent for spouting management bollocks.
1 Day to go . . .
Today is the day we were supposed to throw off the shackles of the E bloody U at 11 p.m. Thanks to Wasp Woman and O.J. Corbynski and all the other traitors, that's not happening.
Editorial Comment: Everyone else is writing Wasp Woman's obituary. We at BFN can't be bothered. About all that needs to be said is that she is in fierce competition with Gordon F. Brown for the status of the worst Prime Minister of the 21st century.
Surprise!
An expert has come up with a perfect formula for chiz on toast. No surprise that every step of the 6-point plan is rubbish; apart from step 5—administering a glug of Worcestershire sauce.
Today's Doom-Mong: Drinking wine will give you cancer. Maybe.
Shock-horror!
5.93 million people have 'signed' the anti-Brexit petition on the government's official website—or have they? The experts have calculated that 3.67 million email addresses given are fakes, duplicates belonging to people who voted multiple times or addresses belonging to people who don't live in the UK.
This is hardly surprising given that the E bloody U has spent the last 3 years meddling with our Brexit and encouraging Bremoaners by deliberately spreading fake news to keep the money flowing from the British taxpayer into its coffers so that the drunck can get even druncker at our expense.
India's space programme, which is funded by British taxpayers, now has missiles which can shoot a satellite out of its orbit. No sign of any words of gratitude to the British taxpayer from the Indian Space Authority, though.
“28 days in gaol for egging O.J. Corbynski? Shudda bin an O.B.E.” J.P.
Criminal-friendly Technology
First, there were simple keys for cars. Then fancy keys which cost about as much as an old banger to repair or replace. Then the industry came up with cars that don't need keys.
Next thing you know, thefts from keyless cars went through the roof. One shudders to think what the vehicle industry will come up with next.
“The 'steal me' keyless cars fiasco makes everyone really confident that the black box speed-limiters, which the E bloody U wants installed in all new cars, will be wonderful rather than yet another way for machines to kill humans by not letting them drive out of a dangerous situation.” M.D.
“What, with the UV lights that the industry wants to install in the air-conditioning system to kill bugs and viruses, and all the other brilliant gadgets, cars are either going to end up towing a trailerful of batteries or losing either the boot or the back seat space. Otherwise, wonderful new electric cars will have to stop for a recharge about every 20 miles.” A.D.M.
Part of New York state, where a measles epidemic has caused a state of emergency, is getting tough with parents who read fake news on the internet and refused to get their kids vaccinated. Unvaccinated under-18s are not allowed to go out in public on pain of a $500 fine and 6 months in gaol for their owners.
Abroad, anyone?
Anyone thinking of going to Paris for the Easter weekend will be treated to armed soldiers and police on the streets, ready to shoot terrorists and Yellow Vest Pests, lotz and lotz of litter everywhere, especially in stations, and the streets packed with beggars, pick-pockets and migrants of doubtful legality.
Was that bang Mr. Mackay exploding?
Her Majesty's prison at Wrexham is issuing prisoners with the key to their cell, not screws, who have to knock and wait to be invited in.
It's all part of a plan to create Britain's first 'respectful' gaol. Clearly, the waxworks at the MoJ don't know that respect has to be earned, not commanded along with the key to the door.
A Bremoaner who was wearing a Berko to Brexit badge is upset after his passport was confiscated (for 10 minutes) as a sign of disapproval at Gatwick Airport. The treatment succeeded in making him feel intimidated. Good!
Wine doesn't count as alcohol in France?
The French government's official public health nanny is on course to make a lot of enemies, which will include the president, M. MacRon. He's a 2-bottles-a-day bloke (at least) when it comes to wine but SP de France is recommending that the people who pay its wages restrict themselves to a maximum of two glasses in a day and have no-booze days, too.
We're Doomed! (again)
We've done bird flu and swine flu. Next on the list is dog flu, which could combine with the human variant of swine flu to create a strain of Schweinehund flu with the potential to wipe out the human species.
“Then who'll panic about global warming?” E.C.
The government is still pushing the message that Britain's carbon dioxide emissions are now at 19th century levels. And what difference has that made to global warming? Absolutely bugger all. Which sez a lot about the credibility of both the government and the Warmists.
More nits picked
The Department of Pointless Nannies reckons that putting Easter eggs on sale months before Easter fuels o'besity. Which means what? That they suddenly take over from sugary drinks and all the other little treats which fuel o'besity after Easter?
G. Osborne's Help To Buy scam of 2012 has managed to push the cost of a new-build home up by 50%. No wonder the bosses of the construction firms which are raking in cash from the taxpayer can stroll home from a job paying a million and a half quid a week.
Schmeducation, Schmeducation . . .
A good way to save a few bob would be to abolish A-level exams. If universities are now welcoming customers with three E-grades, then three Fs (for fail) has to be the next step.
After that, market forces will take over. Anyone who can scare up the tuition fees, and meet the racial, etc. quotas, will be in, and daring to notice that the customer isn't up to the course work will become an arrestable offence as a hate crime.
“If the E bloody U is so keen for the UK to be in the E bloody U, why are the E bloody Uers behaving like such twats?” R.E.
Shock-horror! Jame's Bond's latest adversary will be a Phantom of the Opera clone wearing a battered, white plastic, partial facemask.
There is still no F in Brexit thanks to the Westminster Wonders
Psychic pick-me-up
According to the experts, just looking at a jar of instant coffee can provide the equivalent of a caffeine boost without all the bother of making a cup of coffee and drinking it.
Which saves a lot of time until your body decides it won't get fooled again.
The Advertising Standards Authority had ordered firms not to take the piss out of Christians to get a cheap Easter campaign laugh.
On yer bike, lady!
One of Scotland's self-appointed nannies wants to stop people from getting cut-price deals on treat foods which are about to reach their sell-by date. It will prevent o'besity, she claims. "Scrooge, depriving us of cheap cakes, cream and other treats," yell the poor and pensioners.
Q: How do you stop Eurostar train services going to the Continent?
A: Climb up to the roof of St. Pancras station and wave a flag a bit.
“That decision to cancel the trains—pathetic, or what? Any old excuse for the people in charge to screw with those paying their wages.” F.T.
Out of their own mouths
It's official—the SNP is a bunch of waste-of-space charlatans. How do we know? Because their own leader in the Commons described the party as 'progressive'. And we all know that 'pro' heralds a swindle at best and a total con-job shambles at worst.
Why should Brexit make any difference at all?
Novo Nordisk of Denmark, the world's leading manufacturer of insulin, has guaranteed that there will be no interruption of supplies for Britain's diabetics, no matter what happens about Brexit. Which is only as it should be. Making insulin is a business, like any other, and the company's bosses should be smart enough to outflank the EU's politicians to keep the cash flowing or they are not worth their bonuses.
Too little, too late and after lives have been lost
The Scottish legal system is creating the new offence of being unlawfully at large to tackle the problem of criminals who ignore home detention curfew orders and go out and commit further crimes—up to and including murder.
The length of time between the introduction of electronic tags for criminals on parole and recognizing the need for this new legislation tells us all we need to know about how much their architects think through schemes like this.
The Volkswagen group of car manufacturers is responsible for over twice the UK's contribution to global carbon dioxide emissions. And as Britain's carbon dioxide levels are down at 19th century levels, the government keeps on telling us, hooray for Volkswagen! They're not killing The Planet!!
Below the line mission statement: We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.
 page
top | Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, March MM19. |
