There is still no F in Brexit thanks to the Westminster Wonders
Our May Day Message:
Tony B. Liar is getting the credit for persuading gangs to people to saddle themselves with student debt when they never had a chance of getting a job which needs a degree level qualification. How very New Labour.
Mess the customers about, why don't you?
Sainsbury's is running an experiment in one of its Local stores, which no longer has checkouts. Potential customers are expected to download a CrApp to their phone, scan everything as they shop and pay electronically.
Sainsbury bosses are hoping this will attract people away from Aldi and Lidl. Sounds like it could have exactly the opposite effect when the CrApp starts acting up and customers get frustrated.
The Russians are spying on their neighbours by strapping collars packed with spy gear to the whales that live in the regions off their north coast. This is all part of Putin's plan to grab the resources in the Arctic using marine life as an early-warning system and weapons.
Is it a big deal if a copper takes a few minutes to bounce on a trampoline in a suspect's garden whilst on perimeter duty with other coppers? Only in the fevered imagination of the overpaid jobsworths who have sacrificed police performance for empty PR.
The seeds of extinction
Online shopping is fuelling a surge in the white van delivery man population and driving traffic congestion to record levels. Will the Xtinction Brats start to use local shops now? Or will they just look helpless and keep on buying stuff using the interweb? No prizes for getting the correct answer.
No morals in the fake news game
How strange that it is okay to accuse the Tories of links with Putinstan if Russian-born British citizens donate to party funds but no one says a word about the cash Labour gets from the trade unions, which are packed with Corby Commies. Despite the Salisbury poisonings.
E. Milipede, who made such a hash of trying to eat a bacon buttie with journos watching during the 2015 general election campaign, wishes it to be known that he has given up bacon in the interests of saving the planet.
[Not bothered about his credibility, though. Ed.]
O.J. Corbynski is in hot water for writing a foreword for a new edition of an antique book, which reveals that Jews run the banks and all of the newspapers.
Move over H. Shipmanthere's a doctor in Portsmouth who is suspected of doing away with 650 inconvenient patients.
Leap of faith
The Indian army has released photos of what are claimed to be Yeti tracks in Himalayan snow, each 32" long and 15" wide. The mundane serious explanation is that they are weather-eroded bear tracks rather than footsteps left by something the size of a T. Rex dinosaur, which walks by placing each foot carefully in front of the other foot to create a wonderfully accurate, dead straight line of prints.
O.J. Corbyn's Euro election manifesto is a load of junk. Are we surprised? Of course not. We'd be surprised only if Corbyn and his clique came up with something that makes sense.
Leap of idiocy
Cambridge University has really embraced New Labour non-values with its mea culpa delve into its history of getting money from slave traders. Canadians have a reputation for being sensible people. But this seems to go out of the window when they travel abroad.
The current vice chancellor of Cambridge U. seems to be out of the same box as the current Governor of the Bonk of England.
“Could it be that the Canadian people have the same view of England as the Danes? They thought sending Prince Hamlet here would be a good idea because they're all nuts in England and Hamlet's weirdness wouldn't be noticed.” U.S.
“Has anyone bothered to ask President Trump if he wants to waste some of his valuable time on speechifying to the House of Useless Bastards?” A.A.
A school has come up with an interesting idea for troublesome brats. Instead of being excluded, the brats have to attend classes and their parents have to be there, too, to see what horrible little monsters they have inflicted on the world.
Guilty? Das is mir Wurst!
Wasp Woman needed someone to blame for a leak from the National Security Council of her plan to give the Chinese government a back door to spy on our 5G communications network by involving the Chinese firm Huway TheLads in the construction phase.
She chose to sting the teenage Defence Sec. G. Williamson. Shock-horror! He played the "not me, Gov" card and invited her to prove it.
Will this have any impact on The Razor May's legacy? Not really. It will just be written off as something else she got badly wrong.
We're all doomed!
The TV weather forecasters reckon we're heading towards the coldest bank holiday weekend on record at a rate of knots.
ARE WE HEADING INTO A NEW ICE AGE??
The demented Climate Change Committee at The HUB thinks that the rest of the world will fall over in admiration and follow it Britain ruins its economy to be carbon neutral. Where do they find Twerps like these?
“Do the Climate Twerps think foreign emissions of greenhouse gases stay neatly parked over China, India, the US, etc. and never migrate into our share of the atmosphere? They certainly seem daft enough to believe this.” C.E.
“Like China will give two hoots for what the twerps in England are up to.” P.S.
The late Defence Sec., G. Williamson, is now being positioned as someone promoted (by the woman who fired him) beyond his abilities, especially by the waxworks in charge of the Armed Forces, whom he upset on a regular basis.
His sacking is now officially a Good Move by the PM, who merely took the opportunity to get rid of a deadleg; probably because he has been cheeky to her in the past.
There's understatement, and then there's this guy
The head of MI5 reckons that Daesh is going to 'startle' us. Let us hope that Mr. Parker understands the difference between giving us a bit of a shock and inflicting murder, mutilation and mayhem at random.
His other message is that there are a lot of sick people around, who will believe any old crap that Daesh puts on the interweb. Dude! We already knew that.
Just having a free bus pass helps people to live happy and fulfilled lives, the experts reckon. The people don't actually have to use itjust knowing that they can get on a bus or a train without being scalped is sufficient.
Pour encourager les autres
The sacking of the teenage Defence Sec., it seems, is also a signal to the leaky Bremoaners in the Cabinet that they will get the chop too if they don't stop sabotaging Brexit. That's the exclusive job of the arch Bremoaner herself'er indoors at 10 Downing Street.
We're getting a spot more doom 'n' gloom from the current Gov. of the Bonk of England to take our minds off elections. Every type of rates in existence; domestic and business; is going to rocket upwards. He's never going to be President of Canada if he doesn't learn how to look on the bright side of life.
“People who take 6 hours to get to the end of the London Marathon can feel virtuous but they have no right to expect admiration from the council workers who were doing the clean-up work alongside the course. After all, rough Cockneys is as rough Cockneys does.” A.B.
Oh, dear! Nigel's Brexit Bunch have chosen a commie IRA apologist as one of its MEP candidates for our region. That should cost them a lot of votes in the North West of England.
Environment Sec. M. Gove has been forced to put down the pressure group Natural England, which has slipped into senile dementia. Its decision to stop farmers from culling pest species was the last straw.
“Is there a river big enough for this rotten government; or, indeed, the equally rotten Labour lot; to sell us down?” D.V.
“Policing the Xtinction yobs cost the Police of the Metropolis seven million quid. They arrested 1,000 yobs. Adding on court costs, that means that a fine of 10 grand a head; or, say, one kidney; would be appropriate.” P.L.
Killers with jerking knees
The government is planning to murder millions of old people. It used to warn elderly people to keep their rooms at a minimum temperature of 21 deg.C to avoid hypothermia. Now, it's about to leap aboard the poisonous Climate Change Committee's bandwagon plan to make everyone turn their thermostat down to 19 deg.C.
“Was Private Pike-Williamson sacked because his name is fairly useless to the meeja? That twerp Failing Grayling continues to totter onis it because he has such a cute name?” A.B.
Brexit means . . .
The Local elections said: "Anyone but Tory, anyone but Labour, especially in Leave the EbloodyU areas." The Liberals and Independents got the protest votes, which will fade away when the main parties ditch their current leaders and rebuild their credibility.
If you're a drug dealer, is it safe to send your product through the post? It isn't in Australia. A package containing 44 pounds of meth was delivered to the wrong address in Melbourne. So that was £5.3 million down the drain and the intended recipient was also busted with more illegal stuff.
The Warmists tell us that temperatures have been shooting up relentlessly for a century or more. Not a word about the warnings of a new Ice Age from the experts when things got colder between 1940 and 1980.
Dishonesty is the standard policy?
If you feel like being swindled, there's a council car park in Folkestone where the wardens nick paid-up tickets from beneath windscreen wipers and substitute a £50 penalty notice. [Presumably, something they get a slice of. Ed.]
The Warmists tell us that thermal records of the planet show that higher carbon dioxide levels cause warming. They don't. The records show warming followed centuries later by higher carbon dioxide levels.
The doctor won't see you now
It is mathematically possible to have an out-of-hours GP service which has no GPs as zero is as valid as any other number.
Following the mess New Labour made of the 2004 GP contract changes, O-O-H GP services with no GPs available are no longer unusual and at the rate GPs are deserting the NHS, they will be the rule rather than something which excites news meeja in a few years.
Paramedics and senior nurses will be expected increasingly to step forward to fill the gaps.
The Warmists assure us that Xtreme weather is on the increase. It isn't. What is on the increase is people needing to say something on auntiesocial meeja to be noticed and picking a bit of rough weather as an easy target. As a result, the weather is talked about more now whereas earlier generations just got on with their lives.
What comes around . . .
The Looney Left have made Margaret Thatcher their No. 1 hate figure because heavy industries, which were unable to compete with cheaper competitors abroad thanks to the combined efforts of the trade unions and the Labour party, went extinct during her spell in office instead of being propped up further by the taxpayer.
But if the Warmists get their way, most of the country's manufacturing industry will have to be closed down. Will the Loonies then have to grit their teeth and hail Mrs. Thatcher as a pioneer and planet-saviour? That will be something well worth watching!
The Warmists tell us that greenhouse gases in the atmosphere are causing a climate emergency and ignore the plain fact that it's the Sun which sets the agenda. Tinkering with carbon dioxide production is as ineffective as it is ruinously expensive.
Lose the family silver
NASA is so strapped for cash that is has been forced to sell off a whole bunch of stuff in an auction to be held just before the 50th anniversary of the first ever Moon landing.
The star item is the instruction manual carried on the Eagle when Armstrong & Aldrin made their successful round trip between lunar orbit and the surface. Seven million quid (ono) is the asking price.
The waxworks @ the UNO reckon that embassy hugger J. Assange should have been given a crate of champagne and a new car instead of a year in gaol for skipping bail and costing the British taxpayer £14 million. But that's exactly what you'd expect from the Useless Nerks' Outfit.
3 million vehicles with potentially lethal faultssuch as a tendency to spontaneous combustionare on the roads and ignoring recall messages.
No solution to self-interest
The UNO alarmists are claiming that one million species (a nice, round number) are going extinct. The only way to change this is to start culling the human race, but the Useless Nerks don't dare suggest this. Fewer customers equals lower wages for the UN Twerps.
If you're hit by an artificial leg falling out of the sky in California, look for a skydiver to sue. Apparently, there are lots of limb-reduced people doing skydiving there, and their fastenings are not always up to the job.
Pop singer Madonna reckons she's being punished for reaching 60. Could be she's not a victim, though, just an attention-seeking Twerp.
Neville Chamberlain is being rehabilitated a bit as the 80th anniversary of the start of World War Two approaches. The prevailing view in the 1930s was that the Communists were a much bigger threat than the Nazis, which proved to be exactly right.
Chamberlain was a ruthless leader but his fatal flaw was vanity. He thought he could control Herr Hitler, possibly as a human shield against the evil Bolsheviks, and he was wrong. But he did buy his country a year to prepare for a war, which it was nowhere near ready to wage in 1938.
Vlad the hijo de Putin is currently getting the appeasement treatment from Western governments.
The SNP and Labour in Scotland are still sneering at Tory austerity. But then, living within their country's means has never been a concern for the Looney Left.
If your flight to Jacksonville in Florida tries to land during a thunderstorm, the trip might just include a ride on the nearby St. John's River. That's what happened to a flight in from Guantanamo Bay, which skidded off the soggy runway last Friday.
The fix is in
The leak revealing that the current PM has gone soft on the Chinese firm Huway TheLads was not a leak of secret information and did not constitute a breach of the Official Secrets Act.
No criminal offence equals no scrutiny of the PM's allegedly compelling evidence and no further embarrassment for Wasp Woman.
Problem moved sideways
Scotland's introduction of a minimum unit price for alcohol has had the desired effect. Consumption of booze is down. Unfortunately, addicts still have cash to spend on something and they are choosing to spend it on drugs instead of booze.
Worse, no one offers any guarantees on the purity and non-toxic content of street drugs, and deaths due to them are on the increase.
It's good to know . . .
. . . that G. bloody Lineker is being hassled over non-payment of his TV licence. His story is that he converted a house back from 4 apartments to a single-occupancy dwelling 4 years ago but the licensing department won't believe him.
How do you upset some (but not all) algae boutique customers? Offer a lettuce, guacamole, bacon and tomato sandwich in a rainbow wrapper with the initials of the contents on it. That's how Marks & Sparks went one better than their popular BLT sandwiches.
If the electorate is stoopid enough to vote in another Labour government, the party hopes to cut household water bills by £100/year by forcible nationalization of the water industry at one-third of the value the industry places upon itself. Using borrowed cash at fancy interest rates, of course.
The Notional Truss has jumped on the "we got rich by slave trading" bandwagon. Expect to see lots of sob-story leaflets at their properties in due course, and a further erosion of the volunteers who staff them.
There's a rumour going round that a TV actress called Mhegan is having a baby and she's going to call the child Ivy.
The Liar of the Week Award goes to . . . Labour's appalling Chancellor wannabe, who is claiming that he didn't forecast that Labour would gain 400 seats in this week's local council elections. [He was out by only around -500. Ed.]
“Is Boris Johnson a lazy dilettante who'd be a terrible PM? Or has he realized that a politician buzzing around like the proverbial blue-arsed fly, trying to seem to be doing something, always makes the matter worse? We're about to find out.” L.V.
“The Welsh and Scottish governments declaring a climate emergency is like one of the passengers sitting on the roof of an over-populated Indian train pretending he's driving it."” H.S.T.
Police chiefs are getting a good kicking over their plan to submit people who make rape complaints to an intimate examination of their phone and on-line presence.
Hurry on Xtinctionpur-lease!
Snoflake kids are getting out of lessons in French, German and other foreign languages using a doctor's note claiming that the lessons are damaging the kid's mental health. So much for Education, Education, Education from The Blob.
Q: Where's the best place for the police to look for a suspected rapist and kidnapper?
A: Up a tree in Congleton, apparently.
Hoist with their own petard
Fakebook and Instagram are getting a kicking for double standards. If, as they claim, they are platforms not publishers and have no responsibility for what is posted on their sites, they have no right to exclude people who say things they don't like.
They are being accused of censorship with bias rather protecting the public and furthering the cause of those on the left wing of politics who are trying to silence their opponents if they can't smear them with fake news.
An easy cheat
Police chiefs are manipulating crime statistics by closing cell locks and giving coppers on the ground a choice between lumbering a suspect 60-odd miles to a custody suite and letting a criminal go.
No arrest, no crime, no embarrassing figuresgive the chief constable a rise.
The consumer always loses
There has been a bumper crop of coffee in Brazil but prices are unlikely to fall because the producers and retailers can easily manufacture scares about lower crop yields in other areas.
Just a figurehead
The Prime Minister is off the hook. It turns out that she's just a glove puppet worked by the self-confessed vindictive Cabinet Sec., M Sedillwill, and he's responsible for buggering up Brexit.
The good news is that when she goes, so will he.
The government is confident that it can fiddle the books enough to be able to pretend that electricity production will be zero carbon in 2025.
It's the trees which are doomed this time
The experts have goosed themselves into a state of frenzy by calculating that ash die-back; a deadly tree disease which has come to us from the EbloodyU; will wipe out 125 million trees at a cost to the nation of £120/tree. That's £15 BILLION in total. Which is pretty much the cost of being in the EbloodyU for a year.
It had to happen . . .
In line with novelist and visionary Arthur C. Clarke's Fourth LawFor every expert, there is an equal and opposite experta bunch of them have concluded that messing about on auntiesocial meeja doesn't harm teenagers after all.
Well done to Man. City for winning the Premier League title again.
Why was Wasp Woman shown leaving church yesterday clutching something that looked very like a blue egg box? The nation should be told.
The lost saviour? Nah!
Is there any point in putting forward former Labour leader John Smith as the greatest thing in politics since sliced bread? He might have been a model of reason in opposition, but no one can know how he would have reacted to the slings and arrows of being in charge for real.
Not that he could have done a worse job than Tony B. Liar, no matter how much he tried. But would life have been wonderful now if he had taken a turn as prime minister before the inevitable stab in the back by the Bliarites and Brownites and Mandelsleazes? Sure, it would!
You can always rely on do-gooders to do bad
The more pious the posturing over 'saving the planet', the bigger the carbon footprint. [Good job such things are harmless! Ed.] There are the luvvies who fly millions of miles to get noticed and the natural heritage organizations which open a conference centre miles from anywhere and certainly nowhere near the nasty public transport lesser mortals need. Because their people can use a taxi paid for by the common herd to get there.
“Ambitious Rudd, the current Work & Pensions Sec., accused N. Farage of having no solutions, no realism and no policies on Brexit. Just like the Tories and Labour and all the rest?” D.E.
If it's 'green', it's a swindle
A prime example is the solar farms, which get a 200% subsidy on top of the value of the electricity they generate. Never mind, the customers will pay. They always have and they will always have to keep on doing it.
Public Service Announcement
He's been called the Blogger of the Decade
His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!
Amazing no one else has spotted this
The Chinese technology firm Huway TheLads has a rather unfortunate corporate slogan. Make it possible does rather invite for the Chinese to spy on you as a tag line.
Just a small thought
The United States and other nations are upset because China is keeping most of its Moslem population in government re-education camps. But how many cases of Islamist outrages have there been in China in the last few years?
Having stuff trumps survival
You're on a plane which is on the ground, and it's on fire inside and filling with toxic smoke. What do you do? Make for the nearest exit and hope there isn't someone the size of a house in front of you? Or block the aisle whilst trying to get your stuff out of an overhead locker?
The Russian authorities reckon more passengers would have escaped from the Aeroflot flight that was blitzed by lightning just after take-off from Sheremetyevo airport if not for luggage loonies.
“The Queen is reported to have wondered why our politicians don't just get on with delivering Brexit. Here's an answerit's because they've sold their souls to so many divergent special interests that they no longer have the freedom to move in any direction at all.” R.W.
Next out of the hat
Now that Princess Ivy has been booted into touch as the name for the new royal sprog, Albert is now top of the list to further his grandpa's desire to polish the family's German roots and stay in touch with Europe.
As entitled as ever
377 MPs, including the saintly O.J. Corbynski, have had official credit cards suspended by the Parliamentary Standards bunch for abuse of the rules. The Standards bunch tried to cover up this quasi-criminal activity but the truth has been shoved out into the public domain to shame the expenses cheats further. So much for the "openness and transparency" claimed by the IPSA.
£183,000 is the average for the expenses of the 655 trough-scoffers @ The HUB.
Out of sight . . .
The vassals of Cambridge U. are busy buying up storage space to allow the university's virtue junkies to hide away every object and artefact which might possibly maybe have been within a million miles of the slave trade. The purists of the Campaign for Real Education are not amused.
Descendants of the African slave traders who sold their fellow Africans to Europeans would rather the university spent the cash blown on rewriting and concealing the past on employing some of them.
The bill for the Eurobloodypeon elections has gone up from £109 million to £150 million. The government has confirmed that there is no hope of Brexit before May 23rd.
The Ebloody Commission president, J.-C. Druncker, is now regretting following orders from our former prime minister, Call Me Dave, to keep his nose out of the Brexit referendum. He is bemoaning the lost opportunities to spread fake news to counter the inconvenient truths from the Brexiteers. Not to mention the loss of buckets of British taxpayers' cash.
Klingon, klingon, klingon
The Tories want a new leader in place before their party conference, which will be held toward the close of the formal Silly Season. But given Wasp Woman's talent for dragging things out, lots of them think they'll be lucky to be shot of her before next year's conference.
Considering a Labour MP to be unshaggable is now a criminal offence, according to the West Midlands police farce.
The new royal addition is named after a dead film star, Archie Leach, and a dead Beatle, George Harrison; both British. So much for the 'smart' money which went on Rip Lennon.
Which ticking time bomb is the more dangerouso'besity or the May presidency? Pick your expert and get the answer you want.
[Is she the world's most determined masochist? Get Guinness on the phone. Ed.]
After Liverpool's miracle win to get into the Champions League final at the start of next month, Spurs promptly did the same. What can top that? Only the miracle of neither team in the final actually winning it!
Attention, all ye Clout Casters: May be out with a vengeance and hawthorns are dumping white petals everywhere.
Too much hassle
Vexatious bureaucracy and demanding tons of redundant information is enabling the train operators to dodge making compensation payments for two-thirds of delayed journeys.
A new rule restricting delay compensation to the o'bese would maintain the current ratio of pay-outs. Not a very helpful observation, but true nonetheless.
Zillions of pounds of taxpayer's money will have to be spent to prevent flooding caused by global warming? Bollocks. Zillions of pounds will have to be spent to repair the neglect of successive government and lunatic decisions to build houses on flood plains where floods happen.
Despite Brexit and global warming, house prices are shooting up again.
Words coming back in to style: mulatto, quadroon, octaroon.
More official wibble
The people are losing faith in capitalism, the toothless Competition & Markets Authority would have us believe. Is this an argument for:
a) executing some grabbing executives and CMA bosses pour encourager les autres?
b) nationalizing all businesses and entrusting their running to the Looney Lefties of the Labour party and their trade union buddies?
It's a ruddy foul tactic!
Tory leadership no-hoper A. Rudd has the hump. The blokes keep parading their elegant wives as part of a display of credentials and she, presumably, doesn't have a presentable husband to show off.
The president of the EbloodyU Council, D. Tusk, would have us believe that the chances of Brexit being called off are at least 30%. Naturally, no evidence is on offer in support of the calculation.
Rich and a bit daft? Here's an idea for you!
If you want enjoy the true movie experience in bed, head for the Cinema Pathé in Spreitenbach, Switzerland, where the complex has added a viewing room containing 11 double beds to its range of facilities.
The management of the cinema assures all customers that the beds are freshly remade after each showing. The CEO of the company seems to be pathetically confident that no immoral or inappropriate activity will take place during the film show.
Good luck with that, mate!
What comes around . . .
The global warming spivs are trying to launch vast tree-planting scams. Will they get the blame if council spivs, who order healthy trees to be hacked down, start finding their windows getting smashed and their tyres slashed?
NHS experts are trying to work out how to get hedgehogs on to bikes. The national campaign to get people to be nice to hedgehogs has resulted in over-feeding and an outbreak of o'besity in their ranks.
Asses and Donkeys
The rape and kidnapping suspect, who was busted doing a King Charles in a tree (species unknown) in Congleton, is making a monkey out of the court system.
When he refused to leave his cell below Westminster Magistrates' Court, he was lumbered back to Belmarsh gaol and a judge plus his retinue were shipped out there to be messed about futher.
The Department of Transport is planning to put a tax on the Traveller community to fund flights home when airlines go bust.
The 'upgraded' Emergency Services Network radio system is over 5 years late and £3 BILLION over budget. The current Cabinet Sec., M. Sedillwill, is getting the blame for "supervising" this and other botched projects.
Who's the berk in the berko?
The verdict on Madonna turning up at an airport dressed as a masked suicide bomber seems to be that the old dear has lost it and the best thing to do is to ignore her and wait for her to go away.
The Aussies have come up with a cunning anti-counterfeiting measure for their new 50 dollar notesa cunningly contrived spelling mistake in the small-print wibble. Notes with perfect spelling have to be fakes.
100 years old and still going strong
Stockport Art Guild celebrated its centenary with a book launch at the War Memorial Art Gallery on the second Saturday of the month. The president of the Guild and the town's mayor made brief introductory speeches before the author of the book, Peter Davis MAFA, gave his audience a flavour of it with a short slide show.
It is to be hoped that everyone who indulged in a complimentary glass of wine also spent £15 on a copy of the book! Which is available here: StockpART book
The audience included a local author; Henry T. Smith FRLC, FRAF; who commented:
“After reading Mayor Charles Royle's 1922 words about ugly places in Stockport, I recalled walking up Wellington Road on the right-hand side on the way to the book launch. There was the magnificence of the town hall on the left and some fairly grotty buildings on my side of the road as I approached Greek Street.
“But when I reached the road junction, I was suddenly confronted with the splendid façade of the art gallery. The reviled ugly buildings played a part in creating something close to a hidden gem and maybe there should be a campaign to protect some of them for their contrast value.”
Big increases in tariffs imposed by the US will lead to Chinese companies dumping goods cheaply elsewhere in the world market, producing howls of pain from undercut local industries.
The legacy: The Razor May will be remembered as gritty, determined, clingy and as much use as a chocolate toothbrush.
If you are thinking of visiting your local hospital, you need to ask yourself the upcheck questions firstAm I obese? and Have I been stabbed? If your answer to both is no, then forget it. The NHS no longer has the capacity to treat people outwith these two categories.
Police chiefs are trying to make it illegal to pretend to be a child online to do away with vigilante groups, which keep unmasking paedophiles and upstaging their local police farce.
MPs are having their phones tracked to force them to make fairly honest travel expenses claims.
Going for broke
Labour is playing the bollocks card for all it's worth in the Euroelections. 'Labour will bring the country together', we are told.
Unfortunately the choices are:
a) in abject poverty, and
b) in contempt of O.J. Corbynsky and everything he stands for.
Non-personagethe ultimate in non-platforming
A participant in a mega-tacky, daytime car crash show run on ITV by J. Kyle failed a lie detector test and committed suicide on the day before the episode was due to be shown.
ITV's reaction was to wipe the show out of existence, archives and all, in an ultimate 'not me, Gov' gesture. How very Joseph Dzyugashvili.
“The announcement of the death of film star Doris Day came as a real surprise. Like most people, I'd assumed she'd popped off yonks ago. She must have been built of stern stuff if she kept going to 97.” F.B.
The Worst Excuse in the World Award goes to . . .
Treasury Chief Sec. L. Truss thinks a sales tax on internet purchases to level the playing field with high street shops and stores is a bad idea because it would be 'a tax on families'. WTF isn't?
'It will be passed on to the consumer', she added. Just like business rates and VAT and every other tax, then?
There isn't a microscope in the world powerful enough to examine her brain.
Give it Four Cheers!
According to the experts, plastic is doing its bit to save the planet from the humans who are wrecking it by killing one of them every 30 seconds.
Give him 0.0001% of a cheer
A dippy Warmist academic tried to superglue himself to a set of automatic doors. But he had to give up when they kept swinging open away from him when he approached the doors.
With fans like her . . .
An employee at Dortmund airport was delighted when she spotted the German Chancellor's plane waiting for the boss to return. She stopped her van and in her eagerness to take a photo of the plane, she neglected to apply the hand-brake.
Moments later, she was able to record a video of an airport van crashing in to the nose of Mrs. Mherkel's plane. Which means that the Chancellor had to forget a quick trip back to Berlin in the jet and settle for a lengthy and loud drag in a helicopter instead.
Know your voters!
Danish MP Joachim Olsen of the Liberal Alliance party has decided to use a porn site for election ads with the slogan "Når du er færdig med at gokke, så stem på Jokke", which translates as 'when you have finished wanking, vote for Jokke', which is a diminutive of Joachim.
The idea came out of a brainstorming session on planning his campaign, when Mr. Olsen though, "Well, half of the internet is porn.” A future PM with that sort of insight?
A HUGE lie exposed
The government is being taken to court for a serious breach of the Trade Descriptions Act for describing self-reporting electricity and gas meters as 'smart' when the evidence shows that they are anything but smart.
As the government has no money, a fine is out of the question. But the prime minister [whoever it is at the time Ed.] can and will be made to go on national television at peak time to make a grovelling apology to the nation for the deception.
Celebrating 20 years of a masterwork
The BFN literary correspondent is somewhat surprised to realize that this monumental work by one of Romiley's premiere authors has been around for just twenty years.
In his not-so-humble opinion, it was one of the major achievements of the 20th century and quite rightly recognized as the Book of the 20th Century
Read about the book on the Farrago Books website
Captain Picard refers to 'its mission' when he's doing the Starship Enterprise preamble in the 1980s/90s run of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Well ahead of the recent to do at the maritime museum in Scotland caused by gender vandals throwing a wobbly and the management caving in to them. Looks like the national sense of proportion was lost at about the onset of New Labour's bogus millennium outbreak.
No wonder humanity is going Xtinct!
Blimey O'Reilly! Headmasters can't asks snoflake kids if they're okay as the effort of deciding if they are or not stresses the poor little darlings right out.
Scotland leads the way
The blood alcohol level @ which driving becomes illegal will not be lowered in the light of experience in Scotland, where reducing it from 80 mg/100 ml of blood to 50 mg actually increased the death/casualty rate.
A suggestion from Alcoholics Unanimous that the permitted level should be doubled to reduced the accident rate in England has yet to receive the attention of our Road Deaths Tsar.
Quickly, but not as we know it, Jim
It's May 2019. Prosecutors in Sweden have a 10-year time limit on investigating currently gaoled J. Assange over rape allegations made in 2010.
The limit runs out in August 2020 and yet we are being told that the legal trade thinks they will have to "act quickly" to get the job done in 15 months, implying that it is an near impossible task. How do legal twerps get away with such blatant foot-dragging?
“Probably the same way they get away with charging for every imagined microsecond they claim they're on the job. Even when they're bonking their mistress.” D.L.
Foreign Sec. and Tory leadership hopeful J. Hunt is going to shake the Magic Money Tree to make more cash appear to defend us against the escalating threats from Russia and China.
Just plain bloody useless and run by twerps
The NHS is losing £200 MILLION per year through giving free medical and dental treatment to people who do not qualify for it.
Even worse, the system is set up such that it issues penalty notices to people who do qualify for free treatment 30% of the time.
This is the health service which we are continually told is the envy of the world.
“That's told by lying twerps of politicians and the people making money out of the NHS, let us not forget.” D.C.
Just bloody shameless
A bloke goes down to the deepest part of the sea and all he comes back with is a photo of a blob, which might, or might not, be made of plastic.
Are we appalled? Too bloody right, we are! What was the carbon footprint of this totally unnecessary joy-ride and why isn't the perpetrator apologizing for it?
Tacky TV creates accomplices, not victims
Are we shocked by all the shock-horror stuff the 'victims' of J. Kyle's show are spewing out? No. They knew what the show was about, they took the money and they jumped through the hoops set up for them. And aren't the usual suspects gobbling up the moralizing opportunities.
The American Powerlifting Federation has decided that a bloke who decided he was a woman should lose three women's championship titles for being ineligible to compete as a female. No doubt there will be legal action dragging on for the next few years.
HM the Queen has responded to the comments by London's cosmetic mayor, S. Khan, about President Trump by deciding not to invite Khan to the state dinner which will be held for the president at Buck House. So he will have to look elsewhere for a free night out.
Everyone is a loser
On the one hand, we're told that dementia is not inevitable. On the other, we're told that the currently fashionable lifestyle promotes it. Not so much a case of 'you can't win', more 'you're not supposed to win'.
Further proof that NASA has given up on scienceputting a woman on the Moon now has a higher priority than actually doing any useful research there.
“NASA isn't too different from the Chinese, who also see repeating what the Yanks did 50 years ago as a matter of cosmetic national prestige, even if there is no science content.” N.A.
The spirit of Gorgon F. Broon back to haunt us?
O.J. Corbynski has had a brainstorm and he thinks he can steal the National Grid out of the hands of private companies by nationalizing it for less than the market value.
No mention, of course, of the cost of the legal battle against the swindle, which will last at least until the next general election and stuff even more taxpayers' cash into the pockets of the legal trade.
Not fit to run a . . .
The people who put the SOD into Sodexo Justice Services are extremely disappointed by the announcement that Failing Grayling's privatized probation services are to dropped by his successor, the Gaukster, because they are NBG.
Against the evidence
The average Brit is a world-record boozer who gets blotto once a week on average, according to the experts. Really? The NHS and the drinks industry have both grotted vigorously and independently on this outrageous claim.
“Let us not forget that we Brits have to put up with the EbloodyU, TheRazor May, O.J. Corbynski and all the rest. The wonder is that we get blotto only once a week.” A.P.
Many more TV shows have to be about global warming if we are to save the planet, the luvvie climate experts at the British Academy of Film & TV Arts have realized. But who will save the planet from them?
The not-so-great British public is to blame
“If people didn't want to watch J. Kyle's car-crash show, it wouldn't have lasted for 14 years, making lots of advertising revenue for ITV. Clearly, our useless MPs think investigating car-crash TV is a great excuse for not doing anything about Brexit. Like a lot of pious crap from a committee of twerpy MPs will change anything.” R.W.
A great screw off the boil
The legal trade is in deep mourning. The government has rejected the idea of creating an official definition of Islamophobia, which would have had the National Association of Shysters and Bent Briefs booking world cruises.
The international experience of a slide to blasphemy laws, especially like those in Pakistan, is that they are used shamelessly to suppress free speech and perfectly reasonable likes and dislikes. Predictably, Labour and the Liberals are all for the idea.
Decent Tories are at war with the indecent ones, like N. Ireland Sec. K Brady, over persecution of British troops by the Hysterical Investigations Unit.
Wave your hands for Hamas
When he becomes prime monster, O.J. is going to recognize Palestine as a state with an ambassodor and everything. No doubt dippy D. Abbott will be Britain's first ambassodor to the new state.
Current Home Sec. Vajid Javid is trying to pretend that he is another Margaret Thatcher, politicswise. A bit of a battering with a handbag might just knock a bit of sense into him, but don't hold your breath.
50% of Europeons think that the EbloodyU will be history by 2040or maybe even sooner if 30% of the seats up for grabs in this month's Euro-elections go to Eurosceptics, as the pollsters are predicting.
If great white sharks surround Great Britain as a result of global warming, Prime Minister Boris Johnson, an admirer of the mayor in the film Jaws, will keep the nation's beaches open to protect tourism and business.
The current PM is going to do a Sherlock Holmes in Julyretire to keep wasps in Sussex.
“TheRazor May is claiming to be frustrated. Just slightly off target, lady. You're frustratingas in frustrating Brexit and preventing it from happening.” P.T.
Lots of bad guys being upset cannot be a bad thing
Nigel Farage is having a very significant impact on the current political scene. You can tell that from the number of usual suspects from the meeja and elsewhere in politics, who are lining up to try to sleaze him.
“Something else in full swing is the Stop Boris @ Any Cost campaign. His enemies have no alternative of similar stature to offer, however.” O.N.
The Navy is run by twerpsit's official
The captain of Britain's only aircraft carrier has been sacked for using his official car for private journeys, even though he paid for the fuel.
Let us pray the government doesn't get us into a war. If the idiots in charge of the armed forces don't lose it on the first day, they'll be bound to go under on the second.
Decorum in Venice
New public order rules mean that anyone who sprawls on historic monuments, swims in the severely polluted canals or, horror of horrors, swans around in a bikini in the Sinking City will be fined €500. The mayor has had enough of drunks and dossers making the place look untidy.
No surprise that Wasp Woman's Brexit talks with Labour went belly up. The only surprise is that she and O.J. dragged things on for 6 weeks.
Stand by for miracles
The current PM is going to spend her last couple of days in the job [that's when she's not on holiday Ed.] getting the country ready for the future.
Good luck with that, mate! But after she's loaded the humane killer for seeing us off after O.J. and his gang have finished with us, there won't be a lot to do.
If someone steals your car, don't bother telling the police. They have given up on car crime.
Big nuts have little nuts upon their backs to bite 'em
Is it possible to get nuttier than Moon-water, which got magic powers from the light of the full Moon? The bloke who's claiming he can reach inside atoms to stop ageing is doing his best. But the real nutz are the crazy women who believe him.
The negatives are on the march
Fruit juice is deadly, the experts have decided. It's even more deadly than sugary fizzy drinks. You might get away with one glass of the stuff, but drinking two glasses on the same day increases the chance of sudden death by 24%. Which means that anyone who drinks 5 glasses of OJ won't see the next sunrise! Gulp! It looks so harmless, too.
Oats, the cereal which feeds the people in Scotland and horses in England, is being promoted as a major earner of the near future if vegan oat-milk takes off.
Police forces are ordering fast-food joints near political rallies to stop selling milkshakes as hurling dairy products at politicians and political wannabes is currently fashionable. Back to eggs again as a consequence?
The Austrian vice-chancellor has been forced to resign after being caught in a corruption trap. His excuse that he was drunk and trying to impress the honey in the German honey trap wasn't good enough.
One dodgy politician goes, the government follows. The Austrian Chancellor, S. Kurz, has decided that he's going to have a 'snap' election in September. Given that it is now only May, and Britain can get its general elections done in three weeks, that 'snap' is liable for prosecution under the Trades Descriptions Act.
Ever the opportunist, the fading German Kanzler, A. Mherkel, is trying to pretend that only right-wing politicians are open to corruption. But if we chucked one brick at her for every left-winger caught with his/her/its hand in the till, she'd end up with enough building materials to construct a new Olympic stadium and a new border between East and West Germany.
“Knowing how corrupt politicians are, she'd probably steal the bricks and sell them to President Trump for his Mexican border wall.” E.K.
British soldiers who are too obviously "anti" the country's enemies and repellent minorities are being given training in how to pretend not to be.
Just plain useless
Police Scotland is in trouble for making a bog of a cover-up of an earlier attempt to cover up management failures in 2011 and the destruction of inconvenient documents in a garden incinerator bought especially for that job.
Auntiesocial meeja are getting the blame for revealing that the SNP is as full of bullies and bigots as Labour, Scotland's other party of protest.
Cheapskates is as cheapskates does
UEFA, which is expected to make around ONE BILLION POUNDs out of the Euro 2020 football competition, is in trouble for trying to get 12,000 volunteers to do office and admin work for free instead of paying them for their efforts.
Needless to day, but we'll say it anyway, none of the twerps running UEFA does it for free; they all expect a fat salary and lots of perks as of right.
“A massacre by Man. City in the FA cup on Saturday 6 goals for them and Watford were lucky to get nil followed by three excellent and drama-filled MotoGP races at Le Mans on Sunday. You can tell it wasn't a bonk holiday weekend.” A.L.M.
Spaghetmeknotsa new flower on show at Chelsea or a new pasta variety?
Gardez loo! if you know what's good for you!
“I've just read that the 19th century novelist and playwright Honoré de Balzac used to drink up to 50 cups of coffee during a 16-hour working day. No size info was offered on the cups, but he must have spent a fair amount of his day peeing into a pot and emptying the pot out of the nearest window when full.” H.T.S.
Trust me, I'm always right
If the police can convince themselves that they have made a thorough investigation of a complaint, they feel entitled to ignore the crime, no matter how heinous. This is in line with the current trend toward self-certification, which has seen Fakebuk declare that it is safe for kids to use** because . . . the management sez so.
** apart from all the cyberbullying, trolling, revenge porn, etc., etc.
As bad as Corbynski for Ueyes
It has been revealed that in 2018, TheRazor May personally blocked plans to protect British troops from persecution for alleged crimes in Ireland decades ago, despite promising not to let it happen at the 2016 Tory conference.
They shall not pass
Anyone foolish enough to visit France at the weekend just gone would have been disappointed had they tried to hail a cab. All the proper taxis was busy blocking roads, along with driving instructors and ambulance workers, to tell the government not to pass various laws, which would undermine each of these vested interests.
Anyone foolish enough to go to Italy tomorrow will find that the local airline, Alitalia, is on strike.
The Russians are denying involvement in the honey-trap plot, which sank the potentially corruptible vice-chancellor of Austria at the weekend just gone. So it must be true! The Russians were behind it.
“I see that a MEP candidate for the Sweden Democrat party has been binned for revealing that another, higher ranked candidate is a groper. No doubt the Russians were behind all that, too. But we're still waiting for the denial.” L.G.R.
Spot the connection
Gals from Roedean school are being sent on a week-long, internet-free retreat as part of an attempt to teach them how to interact face-to-face with real people.
Maybe someone at the school is a fan of The Mental Case. In last night's repeated episode, a member of a poisonous cult announced: "The mind suffers from junk food as much as the body does" as the reason why kids at its brainwashing centres didn't have access to the internet.
Gooble is going to block Huway TheLads phones from upgrades to its Android operating system as part of the American response to the politics-in-business situation in China and the espionage cold war.
The Tories have binned Heseltini for being a tedious old traitor. No great loss.
You can get away with anything in the name of science
Our correspondent, Stet Devretnor, writes:
Some alleged scientists are asking if sex in space is possible in case the Earth is destroyed and humanity has to relocate elsewhere to survive. They are now obsessing about the difficulties presented by a zero-gravity environment.
But it should be obvious even to the meanest intelligence that there is no point in going into space beyond our solar system without artificial gravityeven if it is achieved by rotating the spacecraft.
There is abundant evidence from decades of manned space stations that the human body can't function properly without gravity. Which means that the sexperts are wasting their time. But hey, when did that ever check someone with a research grant?
77% of previous Tory voters are disillusioned with the party and its current management, and 90% of them would vote for Nigel's Brexit Bunch now. Which is great news for whoever replaces O.J. Corbynski after he has been stabbed in the back.
Oh, dear! Maradonna got a Tedious Old Bag award for her lacklustre performance at the Eurobloodyvision Song Contest, which was held outside the EbloodyU for political embarrassment reasons.
Dream on, sunshine!
The Home Sec., Vajid Javid, is waving around regulations which let traitors who go to enemy havens like Syria be shoved in gaol for 10 years (or half of that). But will he be able to find any judges who will apply the regs? Don't hold your breath.
It's true, the rich do pay for everything
Top people earn (or are paid) 9x more than bottom people before tax. That gap comes down to 6x after the top people have been relieved of taxes which don't affect the bottom people.
Evolution in action
Snoflake kids spend too much time indoors, messing about with phones and tablets and avoiding the benefits of sunshine and fresh air. As a result, they don't build up reserves of vitamin D. Which means they're all going to get rickets, the experts reckon.
Even worse, if anyone suggests adding vitamin D to the stuff snoflakes eat, there will be whole gang of people with nothing better to do with their time agitating and complaining about the government adulterating our food.
Evolution in action again
Is it the fault of the Tories if the electorate is stupid enough to ignore Labour's history of wrecking the economy in the 1960s/70s and again in the 1990s/2000s and votes Labour's twerps into office? Of course, not. But that won't stop the Daily Mail's zealots doing it.
Public Service Announcement
Do you want REAL electricity at a fair price?
Or do you want to be ripped off by global warming swindlers?
Calm down, dears!
There's a lot of bollocks being talked about the outcome of the Eurobloody elections. Labour and the Tories haven't 'lost' former strongholds. It was a meaningless vote, if we do actually get Brexit, and every sensible person knows it. Unfortunately, showing good sense is becoming a dying art in the 21st century.
What do you do to give Lycra-clad louts on bikes something to think about? It seems that scattering a couple of packets of drawing pins on their rat runs works. And it could even break a few bones if the idiots are belting along in a peloton on a narrow lane or village street.
Life could be SO interesting . . .
The story being circulated is that two-party politics is dead in Britain, the Tories and Labour will fragment and Britain will turn into one of those weird Europeon nations where there's a general election at least once a year and the government is a coalition of parties which would like to kick each other's teeth in if they are not held forcibly in check.
How will the snoflakes cope with that?
Ambiguity has everything to do with obfuscation and nothing at all to do with constructionany fule kno that
The Political Bollocks of the Year Award for 2019 has gone already to . . . O.J. Corbynski. Even though less than half of the year has slipped by, the judges are agreed that no one will come up with anything dafter than Corby's "constructive ambiguity".
Do they know it's Xmas?
This rather eccentric Xmas cactus seems to think it's that time of year.
Downing Street's 2019 Girning Contest
was won by
. . . Wasp Woman
Tough guy or wimp?
The current Home Sec. Vajid Javid's next move (to get himself noticed as a potential Tory leader) is to update the Treason Act (1351) in order to apply it to Islamist extremists who go abroad to serve poisonous causes and other traitors.
Let us hope that he doesn't go soft on the bit about hanging, drawing and quartering and allow it to be done under anaesthetic.
Alexa, you're fired
The UN has concluded that household personal digital assistants with a female voice are sexist and falsely portray women as helpful and knowledgeable.
As a result, manufacturers are going to have to sell 50% of their gadgets with a stroppy, yobby, male voice, which tells the customer to drop dead if he/she/it wants something more than the simplest of task done.
What's left of Hadrian's Wall is collapsing and turning into Hadrian's Crazy Pavement thanks to camera-obsessed yobs, who keep climbing on to the remains to take selfies.
“An on-the-ball police force would use the pix as evidence to support a charge of vandalism and the extraction of a punishing fine. But actually doing anything useful seems to be off the table for modern cops.” A.J.
A real champion
True grit is out of fashion in these days of diversity and confected outrage, but that's what Formula One legend Niki Lauda had in abundance.
His death at the relatively early age of 70 came as a shock, but he had survived against appalling odds what had looked like a life-extinguishing GP crash in 1976.
Cue a string of tributes for someone who actually deserves them.
“The notion that the sacked Defence Sec., Private Pike-Williamson, can give a boost to Boris Johnson's prime ministerial hopes doesn't get within a million miles of ludicrous. It just lies on the floor, wriggling a bit.” J.D.
A stitch in the direction of up?
The EbloodyU is running scared of Nigel's Brexit Bunch. Why else would the Eurobloody Parliament's stooges be trying to fit him up for expenses shenanigans?
The urine has been extracted
The Chelsea Flower Show's Best Garden Award for 2019 has gone to . . . a bunch of big, black rocks and a display of ferns and other primitive plants. Not a flower in sight because none of the primitives has evolved that far.
Time for some pious bollocks
With sub-post offices closing in record numbers because Post Office Ltd. is refusing to pay the people running them a fair rate, POL is claiming that it is "committed to ensuring that postmasters receive a fair remuneration for the vital services they provide".
BFN is unable to provide a Bollocks Rating for the claim as it caused our Bollox-o-Meter to self-destruct.
Child slavery is on the rise in Britain thanks to the austerity which was forced on the country by the decision by the Labour party and Gordon F. Brown to spend the nation into bankruptcy. We are expected to become the world leader if Labour under O.J. Corbynski ever gains power.
The stuff the bollocks industry comes up with!
An egg, bacon and sausage breakfast buttie has the carbon footprint of a 12-mile drive in a gas-guzzler.
Edstone Milipede gave up bacon butties on environmental rather than competence grounds.
The Tokio police have launched a phone and tablet CrApp aimed at discouraging the national sport of groping on trains.
The Japanese National Association of Molesters is concerned that the move may harm their attempt to get their pastime declared an Olympic event.
“The Tories are set to be decimated by the Brexit Bunch in today's Euroelections? I bet they'd happily settle for losing just 10% of their support rather than what is about to happena wipe-out and less than 10% of the vote.” D.V.
The Assange Solution
our Reputation Correspondent, Harley Harris, writes:
My headline looks like the title of a book by Robert Ludlum but it seems that the prime monster has discovered that putting a sofa against the door is a good way of keeping people she doesn't want to see out of her Downing Street lair. So maybe she does intend to do an Assange and cling on there for another 7 years.
“How's Larry, the Downing Street cat, getting on? I hope that sofa hasn't blocked his cat flap or Wasp Woman with be in real trouble with the Cats' Defence League.” N.W.
Bollocks to democracy as well?
It's officialthe Tories will not bother with a manifesto and will not waste any party funds on the Euro-elections, which will be a disaster for them and a £168 million disaster for the taxpayer, thanks to the Westminster Wonders.
“This is certainly true in Romiley. We've had leaflets delivered from all sorts of no-hopers, but nothing from the Tories.” R.W.
p.s. Cobblers to Cable and Cojones to Corbyn.
Peace for our time
Britain's peaceniks are going to find themselves out of a job fairly soon. At the rate the armed forces are melting away, thanks in a large part to their betrayal by the political Establishment and the abandonment of the Military Covenant, we will no longer have enough soldiers to stage a decent bar fight by 2042.
Gone? Well, going
Momentous statement, BBC? Not really. Everyone expected her to go eventually. We just thought it would need the SAS to do an Iranian embassy on Downing Street to get her out.
We know, we know.
Men work better in cool offices, women are at their best when it's warm, the experts have decided. Which just confirms the urban wisdom that men are from Mars, where it's usually freezing or colder, and women are from Venus, where it's hot enough on the surface to melt lead.
Get over it!
Oh, dear. Nothing like a spot of adversity to bring out the drama queens. There's a Tory MEP wailing that the party may never recover from yesterday's thumbs down from the electorate over the EbloodyU.
It's the Eurobloodyelections that no one wanted because she should be out of the EbloodyU right now. It was a waste of 170 million quid. But when the dust settles, it remains true that the Tories at their worst are always much more responsible as a party than Labour could ever be.
The director-general of the National Crime Agency is cool with people doing drugs. 'Nuff said.
Another contentious conclusion
Is there any real value in diagnosis at a distance of 500 years? A shrink has concluded that Leonardo da Vinci has ADHD as he was a bit of a butterfly, starting projects and moving on to something else leaving the previous work incomplete.
But really, the conclusion says more about the expert's desire to be noticed than about the long-dead Leonardo.
Some will croak, some won't
Our medical correspondent, Honnis Dances, writes:
The latest idea for saving the planet is for people to talk to doctors using Skype instead of causing air pollution by driving to the surgery/hospital. A few people will die due to unspotted symptoms but more people won't die of air pollution.
“Exit Wasp Woman? R farts & squishes go wiv U.” D.P.
Bad people can't stop doing bad things
The government has dismissed a UN barrage of bollocks, which claims that 14 million people are living in poverty here and starving, as 'barely believeable'. Which shows unacceptable naiveté. Anything from the UN is about politics, not reality, and it is never anything but self-serving (usually left-wing) boloney.
“There are 14 million people living in poverty in the UK according to the UN? Well, something we can do for them immediately is to divert the £14 BILLION plus that goes out of the country as overseas aid to giving a grand each to all the paupers for a decent meal, a haircut and a new outfit. And if we stop making contributions to the UNO and other parasites [that's the EbloodyU implied, Ed.] as well, that's even more for the paupers.” T.W.
Always on the cards
China has declared financial war on the UK over our government's partial reluctance to let the firm Wahwey get seriously involved in the 5G communications network to avoid giving Chinese government spies back doors.
We have Weys of making you go Wah!
Supermarket high-intensity LED lighting destroys the vitamins in milknot a problem if you get it from a milkman, though.
Evolution in action
Tortoises are in danger of Xtinction now that chimpanzees have discovered that whacking them against a hard surface breaks the shell and lets the carnivore devour the meaty filling.
Wasp Woman might be on course to beat the unlamented Gordon F. Broon's term of residence @ 10 Downing Street but she's still neck and neck with him for the title of Britain's Worst Ever Prime Monster. Along with Tony B. Liar, of course.
83% of people aged 65 to 74 use the internet regularly. But only 47% of those aged 75 or over go online regularly.
The experts are unable to explain why the missing 36% lose interest in the interweb on reaching three score years and fifteen.
Typical of boneheaded burrocrats
The city fathers in London are trying to wave a virtue flag by declaring a 15 mph speed limit in an area where the average daytime traffic speed is 8 mph or pretty much horse and cart speed from a century earlier.
Nature, Vacuum, Filled
Chinese palm trees are poised to escape in to the wild in the south of England and fill in for the native tree species which have fallen victim to Dutch elm disease, ash dieback and other lethal conditions imported from the EbloodyU.
A cold place to go
Climbers are dying of old age as they wait in the queue to take a selfie at the top of Mount Everest. The Nepalese government issued 379 permits for this season's summit jaunts and the queue involved around 300 tourists at one stage. Boredom could also be a contributory cause as there is no cellphone service up there.
Wrong area under treatment
Bad news for anyone contemplating spending 40 grand on having his/her/its dong made longerthe operation doesn't work, complications are more or less obligatory and what the customer really needs, according to the psychiatric trade, is a shrink rather than a surgeon.
The experts are taking the lazy way out when it comes to explaining a small drop in the numbers of foreign visitors to Britain in the last year. It's all down to Brexit.
Sure, it is!
Getting the job done
President Trump has outflanked the Democraps in Congress by using 'an obscure federal law' to bypass them and inject $8 BILLION into the American economy via arms sales to Saudi Arabia. Boy, are the Democraps mad about that!
Wee Burney, the first meenister of Scotland, has assure the Irish teashop that Brexit will not affect relations between their two countries. They will remain united in their implacable hatred of all things English.
“Mainland Europeans are still voting today to elect members of the Eurobloody Parliament [Sunday, May 25th, Ed.] but why are they bothering? The most important country did all the voting that counts last Thursday. The rest are just wasting their time.” N.K.
So much for transparency and responsibility
The Scottish Police Authority, which is mixed up to its greasy neck in charges of being wholly unsatisfactory and unprofessional, and maybe also criminal, appointed London's Metropolitan Police to do a non-investigation of its failings.
The SPA now has a new chairman. Unfortunately, she is eager to draw a Tony B. Liar-like line in the sand and pretend that nothing bad happened whilst insisting that the Scottish Parliament should stop being so nosy about how her fief works. (or doesn't)
Formula Who Cares?
It really says it all about what's wrong with Formula OneMonaco is the most prestigious race (allegedly) but it is held on a course where overtaking is pretty impossible without active co-operation from another driver or a big blunder by him. And the races are boring unless there's some rain to liven things up.
“The Niki Lauda Memorial GP was won by his team and the English bloke. Job done.” R.F.
No surprise there
Nigel's Brexit bunch triumphed everywhere in the Eurobloody elections that never should have been. The Tories were wiped out. Labour was also tonked by betrayed voters. The irrelevant Liberals picked up the Labour protest votes as the comrades could never bring themselves to vote for a proper party.
On the Europeon mainland, Federalists and the looney Left were tonked by Eurosceptic parties as a vote of no confidence in the management of the EbloodyU, which is trying to appoint a German bloke who's even WORSE than J.-C. Druncker as his replacement later in the year.
No wonder no one trusts politicians
The government is preventing Britain from exploiting our reserves of shale gas but the FO is paying £90,000 to China(!) to help them get on with fracking there. Even though China is on course to be an economic super power. The FO came up with an excuse which is just wibble and B.S. No change there.
A silly story that won't go away
Oh, dear. We're never going to hear the last of Killer Everest. No one has been killed there. People put themselves in danger and died because of it. But the notion that the Grim Reaper is strolling about the mountain, casually doing his thing, is irresistible to the wibblers.
Four and a quarter million dollars. That's what the Nepalese government makes out of selling permits to climb Everest from its side of the mountain.
That famous picture of the queue on the stretch to the summit contains 300+ climbers, each of whom has a guide. So that's 600+ bodies in the selfie queue.
Worth a try
You're a gang of Romanians, you've been caught stealing from shops and you don't want to go to gaol. What do you do? Tell the judge a silly story. Like . . . you were only trying to raise a lot of cash to give a relative a lavish funeral. In Britain, it might even work.
Those bloody Britisch!
14 EbloodyU countries now have reservist MEPs. Which are what? A total of 27 stooges who will become members of the Parliament when, or if, the UK leaves the EbloodyU.
The Parliament decided that most of the British seats would be scrapped after our departure but that 27 of them would be distributed among countries which are currently underrepresented due to population growth.
As a result of our Parliament's failure to deliver Brexit, each of the 14 countries has had to create a "reserve list" of MEP wannabes, who are in unpaid limbo until the UK makes up its mind to leave or stay.
An easy way out
Has the Labour party been shamed by being hauled up before the beak for being anti-Semitic? Of course, not. Any party which made Tony B. Liar and O.J. Corbynski its leader is beyond shame. But the Jews can do something about their persecution themselves.
Labour is all about stealing money from people who have it. So all the Jews have to do is become idle scroungers and Labour will love them to bitz.
W.H. Smith has retained its customary rating of worst high street retailer, making it the champion for 9 years in a row.
“The latest bit of Bremoaner Boris-Bashing (over the NHS slogan on the Brexit bus) would be a joke if the legal trade weren't filling their pockets out of it.” R.W.
Action at a distance
The latest big idea from the boffins is that debris from a supernova explosion reached Earth 8 million years ago, knocked our ancestors out of the trees, burnt down most forests and forced pre-humans to learn to walk about instead of swinging from tree to tree.
“Change UKis that as in ‘have you got any spare change?’ Just a thought.” R.W.
Yes, it will be a whimper rather than a bang
Using gadgets lets the brain rot from lack of use, the experts have concluded. Not thinking by using a SatNav, etc., will leave the currently civilized parts of the world full of drooling twerps, waiting to be replaced by migrants who, when they get to grips with the gadgets, will become drooling twerps in their turn.
Public sectorbrain switched off
If you ever wonder why people call it the Can't Prosecute Service, just recall the case of the 'expert witness' hired by the CPS to help prosecute an alleged case of carbon credit fraud.
The 'expert' has no academic qualificationssomething the CPS hadn't bothered to check up onand all he knew about carbon credits was what he remembered of a TV documentary on the subject. Something which the defence got out of him on the way to getting the 8 accused acquitted.
Where's the Lord Chancellor when you need him?
The campaigners for Leave in the referendum weren't acting in an official capacity. So there is no question of misconduct in a public office by any of them, including Boris Johnson. The fact that a judge didn't spot this raises serious questions about her competence.
“This is a verted pyramid of piffle. Who's next? O.J. Corbynski?” S.B.
“Who's next? Everyone to do with Tony B. Liar's regime. Gordon F. Broon. Berko. All the cosmetic city mayors. Especially George Osborne and that Watson bloke in Labour. The only question is how many murderers will have to be released early from gaol to make room for all the political criminals.” E.S.
“Today's scammer was using the phone number 01262369462. A bad quality recording tells you that your internet service will be cut off in 24-36 hours. Blah, blah, blah.” A.J.
Cynical, or what!
Old people should be in the forefront of developing driverless cars, the experts reckon. Why is that? Because no one will care if a few get written off in the inevitable accidents?
“Just a thought, but maybe Alastair Campbell wasn't chucked out of the Labour party for voting for the Liberals in the Euro election. Maybe he got the boot just for being obnoxious and Alastair Campbell.” D.O.
Fatally damaged goods or the Corbynization of the next prime monster
The BIG question of the day is whether the dozens of Tory leadership candidates will have any residual credibility and/or respect left after the process of slashing/trashing of reputations is over. Will the public accept that any of them is fit to be a government minister, never mind the primus inter pares?
Oh, dear! The revelations about dead American icon Martin L. King make Harvey WeenSteen look like a choirboy. But as Mr. King was just following custom and practice for the Holy Joe community at the time, everything is okay.
Due to Brexit, English taxpayers' cash is being spent on care of the elderly in Scotland and Wales, but not in England.
It's all about the money
Why wouldn't McDonuts knock out a vegan range of nosh? They're in the food business and even vegans have to eat occasionally. And they are easily conned into paying over the odds for what they do nosh if someone plays the scarcity value card.
“Big deal that the London Bridge terrorists bought their knives at Lidl. Lots of other people bought knives there and didn't kill anyone.” R.W.
If you are planning to become ill after 2030, forget it. The world will have ended due to gorbal warming before then. But if the Warmists are wrong, it won't matter.
According to the experts, the current rate of retirement/career abandonment by doctors means that there will be none left in the NHS in a decade or so. The 2004 botched contract rewrite by the Tony B. Liar regime is getting the blame.
Today's phone call from the "compromised internet connection" scammers came from 01141 315 395.
There's nowt so grumpy and ungracious as a Mueller, who tried to stitch up a president and failed miserably to nail his intended prey.
Not to be trusted
“What is the agenda behind the government's aspiration to tax highly processed foods? Making them unaffordable to poor people or just raising more tax revenue? One suspects that the dead hand of the Chancellor is behind it and, given the general shiftiness of politicians, it's another cash grab.” V.C.
Keeping up with the times
Full marks to Heinz for social awareness. The new label for HP Sauce will show the Elizabeth Tower, home of Big Ben and the iconic clock, shrouded in scaffolding until the restoration work there is completed.
Continuing to upset the apple cart
President Trump has had the bright idea of threatening Mexico with huge tariffs on its exports to the United States if the government there fails to check the flood of illegal migrants, who just stroll across the border at present.
Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.
|Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression|
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, May MM19, like anyone cares