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There is still no F in Brexit thanks to the Westminster Wonders—but Prime Monster Boris is doing his best to insert it!
reader comment“We didn't vote for No Deal, nor did we vote for Deal. What we actually voted for was to get out of the EbloodyU. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less.”

 WEEK 1 

One man's misfortune
bulletHigh Street shops are hoping for a boost when online transactions cannot be completed without a code from the customer's bank, something which some banks have bogged up putting in place.
    After all, they've had only a couple of years to get organized before the regulations come in to force next month.

Lateral slinking
The experts have managed to arrange for the 10 hottest years on record to have occurred after 2002. They haven't quite resorted to Romiley Weather Centre's tactic of putting a thermometer on a windowsill in direct sunlight, but there is a lot that can be achieved by strategic placing of weather stations in hot areas, like cities and near airports, and the use of cute mathematical scams for guestimating readings for areas where there are no physical weather stations.

The Government sez don't drink lotz? Watch me!
Labels on bottles and cans of booze are now required to carry 'tougher warnings' on the dangers of excessive drinking by government order. Warnings which the customers, especially bingers and alkys, will continue to ignore.

Heads up!
From the first of this month, the Spanish police will be using drones to monitor roads for drivers who are ignoring traffic laws and/or speeding and/or using a mobile phone at the wheel. The first that the criminal will know about being caught is a threatening letter demanding money if the offence is not deemed serious enough to merit the attention of a traffic cop.

Have cash? Want a driving licence?
If you want to cheat on the theory part of the driving test, wear a headscarf or a big wig to hide the ear-bud connected by radio to your knowledgeable confederate and ask for the talking version of the test for people who have trouble reading English.
    Step 2—hire someone who can drive to impersonate you for the in-car part of the test and you're home and dry.

Not really trying
It's been a year since Denmark created the offence of covering the face in public and looking like a bank-robber. Curiously, only 23 people have been required to pay the 1,000 kroner fine. Either the cops aren't bothered by enforcing the law or they are content to issue warnings of bad behaviour first.

bullet That was some bloody rain we had in Romiley yesterday!!

More public sector jobs
Local councils are now creating Fatberg Prevention Officers, who will be charged with policing domestic frying pans to ensure that they are not included in washing up operations.
    The object is to protect the nation's drains and sewers from fat build-up. Thus any debris left in the frying pan will have to be scraped into a bin and, no doubt, there will be an eye-watering fine imposed on anyone who fails to do so.

cross symbol Global warming is going to make a number of firms in the financial sector go bust, the current Governor of the Bank of England reckons, if they don't make the right noises about going along with this scam.

bulletQ: What happens when a trade union organizes an online strike vote?
bulletA: The organization job is such a joke that any bugger can log in and vote and every bugger can vote multiple times. In other words, standard trade union dimocrasy.

Far Queue symbol The Labour party (via the Home Affairs Select Committee chairman Pixie Balls-Cooper) and London's cosmetic mayor have joined forces with the Metropolitan police farce in resisting a proper inquiry into the police abuses of office and the law during the 'investigation' of the multi-million-pound VIP child murder fantasy.

Amazing! They haven't managed to ban everything yet!
Well, well! It might be illegal to use a mobulfone for communicating whilst driving but, the High Court has ruled, it's okay to use it for filming an accident scene as the owner of the phone cruises past it. As long as it's used in a hands-free mode and the driver keeps enough attention on what's going on around himer to be driving legally and safely.

bullet Labour's hostility to Jews has helped to raise the number of anti-Semitism incidents in the UK to a record level.

bullet The regime in North Korea is still blasting off missles in an attempt to be noticed. Readers are invited to join in the sweepstake over when Pres. Kim will run out of them.

bullet A genius has come up with the solution to the problem of where to put the 20,000 new Boris Bobbies now that police farces around the country have abandoned redundant police stations to the tender care of cannabis ranchers.
    Put them in the buildings which used to be bank branches, of which there are lotz and lotz everywhere. There are even vaults and secure area where customers can be locked up.
[And if the bad guys end up in an air-tight vault overnight, that will save the expense of taking them to court. Ed.]

What goes around . . .
Customers of the unscrupulous banks which swindled customers with PPI scams are complaining that unscrupulous firms of chancers are bombarding them with vexatious demands for information about people who were not customers of the unscrupulous bank which received the demand.
    As the deadline for filing PPI claims approaches, less than 10% of the deluge of requests for information from the unscrupulous chancers is expected to lead to a valid claim against the unscrupulous bank concerned.

Abusers pay
The nation's bean-counters are studying video footage of the ill-mannered louts who took to the streets during President Trump's visit in June, looking for known trouble-makers who can be stuck with a share of the £3.5 million policing costs.

Too wet for comfort
Whaley Bridge in Derbyshire, somewhere Romiley residents will have heard of, was almost evacuated on the first of the month after the dam on the Toddbrook reservoir for the canal system started to crumble.
    Some of the residents insisted on staying put, refusing to be panicked by the local burrocrats and feeling confident that pumping water out of the reservoir would remove the danger. Anyone who left the town wasn't being allowed back, leaving their home at the mercy of the local criminal community.
update There will be a lot of dead caged pets in Whaley Bridge if their keepers are not allowed to breach the police cordon around the exclusion zone in order to go home to rescue them.
updateHouseholders were allowed to make a 15-minute dash home, at their own risk, on Saturday. But not on Sunday with more rain threatened.

CFL logoNo lead is safe
Thursday Nite Football started with the Blue Bombers in sunny T'ronno. A 51-yard FG to open the scoring? No trouble for Medlock, 3-0. Bang! A 56-yard TD run by Harris after 9 minutes. 10-0. The Bombers added just a FG from a blocked TA punt, 13-0.
    Q2 started with a missed FG by the Argos. A fumble prevented another score by the BB with 5 minutes gone but the Argos got nothing from it. Harris again for a TD, 20-0. A FG then a TD in the last minute of the half got the Argos to 20-10. They lost a TD after 1 minute of Q3 for holding. FG instead, 20-13. Almost a punt returned for a TD by Rainey to the BB 8; on to a TD, 20-all.
   Finally, in Q4, the BB offence woke up and marched to a TD, 27-20. The Argos got a rouge from a punt, 27-21. The Argos were stopped by a forced fumble with 2 minutes to go. They got the ball back and S.J. Green went in for a TD with 10 seconds left to top off a desperation drive. 27-28 thanks to that rouge and the Argos got their first win of the season.

bullet The body of the gangster and bank robber J. Dillinger is to be exhumed to make sure he's buried in the grave with his marker and he's actually dead.

bullet The experts have done another of their U-turns. Butter and cream used to be bad guys. Then they became okay. Now, they're back to being evil. For the moment. But what do the experts know anyway?

CFL logoTo be the best, you must beat the best
Next, the Best in the East TiCats in hot Regina. The Roughriders tried to make a 3rd down instead of kicking a FG. Bad idea. Then they did nothing with a pick. The first score was a rouge from an SK punt. The Cats replied with a FG, 3-1. SK zoomed to the red zone for a TD, no +2, 3-7.
    The teams exchanged FGs in the first half of Q2. SK got to 6-13 with another FG. A takeaway by the Cats stopped them at the Hamilton 10 in the last minute of the half.
    The Cats kicked a FG 5 minutes in to Q3, and finished the quarter with a TD. 16-13. They went 19-13 up with a FG half-way through Q4. The Riders kicked a FG with 3 minutes to go, 19-16 after some more non-fouls called. Not a good night for zebras.
    Hamilton went 2 & out. SK advanced to the red zone, Fajardo, who'd been playing on a bad leg for the whole of the 2nd half, dived for the pylon as the TC head coach invaded the pitch but failed to win a time out. TD, 19-23, 27 seconds left. The Cats managed 3 plays but the home team held on for the win.

bullet The Warmists are manoeuvring to make last month the hottest ever recorded on Earth. Not a claim the Guinness Book of Records would ever consider, given the lack of solid data on other years and the amount of cheating that goes on in Warmist circles.

CFL logo Sodding baseball and the uselessness of BT Sport. No first half of the Edmonton Eskimos vs the Calgary Stampeders on Saturday Nite as we arrived in the last minute of Q2 with the Stamps 0-9 ahead thanks to 3 field goals.
   The EE went 2 & out to start Q3 and inflicted a 2nd sack on Arbuckle. The Stamps had to give up a safety. Bang! An 83-yard TD for Collins, 9-all after 4 minutes. Bang! Williams returned the kick off for a TD, no +2, 9-15. An EE FG try ended in a bad miss and a fumble by them gave the Stamps another TD. No +2, 9-21.
    Another TD for Collins, the convert missed, 15-21. The CS coughed up the kick return at their 32, the Esk went 2 & FG, 18-21. The Stamps missed a FG try but managed one with 39 seconds left. The Esks reached the CS 18 with 1 second left. A pass to the end zone failed to end in a TD, 18-24 final.

Lunardelli historical wine labelFor those who wish to be alarmed . . .
A British tourist from Harrogate got her name in the paper this week by being horrified by seeing bottles of Hitler wine on sale in Italy.
    Diving in to our archives, we found that we first ran the story in September 2003. One of our writers checked his archives and found that it resurfaced elsewhere in 2007 and 2012; and probably appeared several other times in addition as it seems to be something that won't go away.
    Bottles of wine featuring lots of historical figures have been produced by Vini Lunardelli since 1997, which means that the lady could have been horrified a couple of decades ago, assuming she was old enough to have been taking trips to Italy back them.
    The only change since 2003 and now is that Vini Lunardelli has become a dot com ; it was a dot it back then. The Hitler stuff, and lots more, can be found in the Historic Wines section here.

Listening in but not for a while
Gooble has been banned from letting its employees listening in on conversations held within the earshot of its 'spies in the home' in Germany for the next three months. Just to be on the safe side, Gooble will be applying the ban to the whole of the EU whilst discussions are held over the company's active or passive breach of data protection regulations.

Frying in future
The Warmists have consulted their models and decided that the early summer heatwave was 1.5-3 deg.C hotter than it would have been without global warming. How can they be sure of this?
    "Models are very good at misrepresenting large-scale seasonal changes in temperatures," explained Dedbol Tingh, our Warmism Expert. "Which is how comparison of computer simulations gave the result that global warming made the July heatwave between 10-100 times more likely to occur in some countries."
    Now we know why Swiss Warmists are so convinced that the heatwave could not have occurred without climate change. Their computer simulations told them so.

Arte Johnson posterbullet Arte Johnson, who won an Emmy for his work in the hit series Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In has gone to his reward at the considerable age of 90.
    He is remembered particularly for his German soldier in a bush with the catch phrase "Verry interresting" (an idea developed from appearances with Bob Hope) and his dirty old man sketches with Ruth Buzzi.
    He began his acting career on Broadway but found his niche on TV with occasional excursions into film parts such as Dracula's servant Renfield in the 1979 comedy Love at First Bite.

Who are they trying to kid?
A No Deal Brexit will cost France 141,320 jobs, 291,930 jobs will go in Germany, 70,410 in Spain, 50,330 in the Irish Republic and 42,390 in Belgium. And, of course, the experts in Belgium reckon that a massive 500,000+ jobs will be lost in the UK.

Flying Franky Zapataupdate French aviator F. Zapata managed to get all the way across the English Channel on a kerosene-powered hoverboard at his second attempt. The trip from Sangatte to the vicinity of Dover took just 23 minutes in the air. He gave himself a bigger landing platform this time and the mid-Channel refuelling stop went off without incident.
    As he made his flight on a Sunday morning, the UK Border Force were having a bit of a lie in and he escaped arrest as an illegal immigrant.

bullet Fancy green milk? The Veganists are planning to make it out of peas.

Bloody customers!
Those awkward sods, the British public, are putting the mockers on government efforts to create an illusion of zero carbon emissions through people walking and riding bikes more.
    In fact, statistics for these two activities are about the same as they were in 2002. ‘Walking is the healthiest way to get about', the public are told. Not if it's done on pavements alongside polluting cars and at risk from lunatics on bikes.

Green with brown spots
All a politician has to do to make a fool of himerself is to open hiser mouth. Like Scotland's figurehead Wee Burney Sturgeon, who declared a climate emergency as a 'look at me' stunt.
    Guess what, she is now complaining that a third runway at Heathrow airport would deprive Glasgow and Edinburgh airports of polluting airline flights. So much for pretending that she is serious about decarbonizing the Scottish Transport Sector.

Derbyshire deputy chief constable R. SwannFrivolous, or what?
Just how seriously would you take anything you were told by a lady with this comedy hairstyle? The spiky shock-job belongs to R. Swann, the deputy chief constable of Derbyshire.
    She has been on TV to take a pop at the small number of people living downstream of the Toddbrook reservoir, which has a rather collapsible dam at present, who have gone home during an access period and insisted on staying.
    We live in an age of diversity, the boundaries of which are clearly a lot wider than most people expect.
bullet Some resident in Marple, around 3 miles from Romiley, have received warning leaflets to tell them that they are in the path of the flood waters should the dam collapse. Romiley residents have been spared this worry.
Happens a lot
reader comment“There's a picture of the propping up work @ the dam in today's paper. It shows the bags of aggregate dropped by the RAF helicopter on the collapsed spillway and SEVEN blokes at the top of the dam, leaning on a rail, looking down at the bags and doing absolutely bugger all.” L.G.R.

CFL logo Friday Nite Football had the Redblacks in sunny Montreal. Punt, punt, a pick by the Als at the RB 17, FG, 0-3. They stripped the ball from Sinopoli at midfield and Adams eventually took a dive for the pylon and a TD. 0-10 after 10 minutes.
    Bang! Dedmon returned the kick off 111 yards for a TD! +2, 8-10. The Als closed the first quarter with a TD. The second was all defence until Dedman emerged from a crowd to return a punt 95 yards for a TD. No +2, 14-17.
    An early pick by the RBs in Q3 set up a TD for Sinopoli. The Als replied with a FG and got a rouge from the kick off. 21-all. The Als did nothing with a pick but kicked a FG after a fumble recovery. A 53-yard try in Q4 missed.
    A FG try 5 minutes later worked. 21-27. Ward of the Redblacks extended his consecutive FG streak to 66 to tie the scores at 27-all. Overtime. Ward kicked another FG. The Als fumbled the ball away and the Redblacks won 30-27 to end their 4-match losing streak.

A company The Planet needs to be saved from
You offer recyclable plastic straws with your drinks but you want to make a greenwash gesture. What do you do? If you're McDonald's, you provide paper straws which drop to bits if they are recyclable and which are not recyclable if they are strong enough to use.
reader comment“What we have now is a recycling culture, in which goods are manufactured and then immediately rushed to a recycling centre to score virtue points before they can be used and contaminated.” R.W.

Minor Issue
O.J. Corbynski is not fit to tie his own shoelaces, former Labour Home Sec. A. Johnson reckons. But this is not a problem for O.J. He can either get his nurse to tie his shoelaces or he can buy himself some slip-ons courtesy of the taxpayer via his parliamentary expenses.
reader comment“Strange that Mr. A. Johnson (no relation to the PM) should be surprised that people use Bliarite as a term of abuse. Or has his memory blotted out all the evil deeds and crimes against humanity that went on when he was a minion of Tony B. Liar?” T.W.
reader comment“Alongside Manchester's current cosmetic mayor, the Stafford Hospital guy.” J.M.

cross symbol In Putinstan, it is illegal to demonstrate in favour of elections in which any of the candidates do not belong to the Putin party. O.J. and his gang can only dream of that happening here.
reader comment“The current Indian government is clearly an admirer of Putinstan. Its armed take-over of India's sector of Kashmir and the communications lock-down there confirm it.” A.N.

Bad politicians do bad things
The President's stance against illegal immigration is to blame for the mass shootings in the USA? That's just his enemies giving bad people an excuse and their personal backing. Especially the Democrat Congressers, who would let any amount of other people's blood flow if it lets them pretend to be good guys.
reader comment“One gains the distinct impression that BFN has an extremely low opinion of most politicians everywhere.” C.R.
[Nice to kno we have such perceptive readers. Ed.]

Attention, everyone!
The gambling industry would like to remind us that the human race is too feeble to adapt to climate change and it about to become Xtinct. Which means that it does not matter if the gambling industry wrings every cent out of sucker-addicts because money will become meaningless when the human race dies out.

bullet The Derbyshire police are using drones to look for bad guys up to no good in the evacuated area downstream of the Toddbrook reservoir dam. Quite how effective they will be at the dead of night has not been revealed.

tick symbol At the end of January, the blogger Xavier picked up on a suggestion that if the Republic of Ireland were expelled from the EU, there would be no need for the pesky backstop, which is causing all the Brexit problems. Could we remind the governments of the EbloodyU and the UK of the idea and suggest it as a possible way out of the current Brexit deadlock?
reader comment“It seems that the EbloodyU's bosses are worried that their policy of refusing to negotiate in good faith is contagious and the disease has been transmitted to Britain's current Brexit negotiators.” R.D.

cross symbol A change in the shopping habits of those rotten sods the customers is forcing the Tesco chain to sack staff at its convenience stores. Tesco is mightily pissed off by this inconvenience.

bulletGood News: Eggs are officially okay again. The experts have concluded that the previous studies which called them a heart attack in a hard shell never actually measured the physiological effects of consuming eggs. They just considered a diet which included eggs and made unreasonable assumptions about what the eggs were doing.
reader comment“An egg-white-only omelette; made after throwing the yolks away as unfit for human consumption; is one of the stoooopidest ideas ever dreamt up by a fathead foodie.” P.J.

A lot of back-scratching going on!
If you read a wonderful review on Amazon, you can never be sure that it wasn't created in a FakeBuk fake review factory. According to the experts, the fake reviewers will tell you anything on the interweb as long as they get enough in cash and/or perks, and the online businesses which provide them with a platform are not doing enough to spot and vanish the fakes.

Hurry on sundown . . .
It's not just teenage kids who are scaring themselves silly over the impending Xtinction of the human race via global warming. Even academics of mature years, who should know better, are prone to bursting into tears over their approaching fate.
    Or it could just be that they are having a good weep over the fine which they have to pay after being busted for loutish behaviour in a public place.

British ingenuity
The recycling industry is doing a wonderful job here. What can you do with a redundant church and a fleet of discarded supermarket delivery vans? Grow vast amounts of cannabis in the church and use the vans to distribute your product!

Its future secured
The Austrian government has won control of the house in Braunau Am Inn where Adolf Hitler was born after a lengthy wrangle in the courts. The final award is a compromised between the government's initial miserable offer and the owner's asking price.
    The Austrian interior ministry started renting the street corner property in the 1970s but the arrangement fell apart in 2011. An attempt by the interior ministry to solve the problem by having the building demolished was binned after angry resistance from politicians and historians.

Still open for business
The authorities in the Swiss resort @ Zermatt have rejected calls for the Matterhorn to be closed to climbers after anonymous claims that global warming has made it crumble to a state which makes it too dangerous to tackle.
    The locals, who are making money out of the climbing industry, think the idea of closing the mountain is absurd and point out that everyone knows that mountaineering is a dangerous sport and everyone who indulges in it does so voluntarily.

 WEEK 2 

Everywhere grounded
bullet If you're thinking of travelling anywhere by air, forget it. Every bugger is on strike—pilots, baggage handlers and other airport staff, and even the bloody computers. Still, think how much of The Planet will be saved by not combusting the jet fuel.

tick symbol The Toddbrook reservoir dam near Whaley Bridge in Derbyshire has been declared safe—to the utter despair of the Labour party, which was hoping for a megadisaster to blame on Tory austerity.

reader comment“Is that a touch of sour grapes from Lord Blunk in his condemnation of the cover-up by the Metropolitan police farce over its imaginary VIP child murder case? He was busted for his own crimes against the taxpayer and he thinks Hulk Hogan Hyphen Howe and his merry band of conspirators should suffer the same fate? Sure looks like it.” H.S.

bullet The Hong Kong government is threatening to set fire to those who protest against the progressive regime there.

Far Queue symbol Fuk Jon Sno has been cleared of a charge of institutional racialism because it does not apply when the target is white people.

Another conspiracy
No 1p coins were made last year. The Treasury says it was because there were enough of them in circulation to meet demand. But everyone knows that the sacked Chancellor, P. Hammond, tried to abolish 1p and 2p coins and it is very easy to see this as a step in his evil plan.
reader comment“We need an immediate panic statement of reassurance from the current Chancellor, Vajid Javid, on this matter.” D.M.

Daft as two brushes
It's definitely the silly season. Why else would Labour Chancellor wannabe J. McDonnell be getting so much attention? The guy is a nutter if he thinks he can get away with locking up people who don't share his nutty political views.

Get a grip
Snoflakes think Parliament is a waste of time, according to a recent poll. They would rather have a dictator deciding everything rather than a bunch of clowns messing about @ the House of Useless Bozos.
[So there is some hope for the future. Ed.]
reader comment“If there is a future and we're not going Xtinct.” G.C.

bullet Drinking three or more cups of coffee per day can cause migraines! Be warned.

If you're one of those people who think it's cool to bash golf balls off the stern of your superyacht, you can do your bit for the fish population by bashing balls made from fish food!

There's always cash for police stooopidity
Next time some copper with pips on hiser shoulders starts flapping hiser jaws about The Cuts, remember that the Met spent 5 grand of taxpayers' money on sending 2 detectives to Australia to interview someone the fantasist 'Nick' Beech claimed had been murdered by Establishment VIPs.
    The alleged victims spent two hours telling the coppers that yes, he was still alive, and no, he didn't remember anything much about Beech forty years on. A phone call or a visit by the local Australian police would have achieved as much, but hey, it was only taxpayers' cash.

More Xtremity
If you were planning to do anything outdoors in the next few days, forget it. The forecasters reckon it will rain and rain and bloody rain and there will be serious gales.
[Although, it does seem rather inconveniently sunny and non-windy today, Friday. Ed.]
[Editor Update: Things got nasty on Friday afternoon with a spot of thunder and really heavy rain. And then the Sun came out again. For a while. Very Jekyll & Hyde.]

cross symbol The threat of a grabbing Labour government has cost the nation £2 BILLION in lost revenue from non-domicile taxpayers, who have split, taking their wealth with them, to avoid having it stolen by O.J. and his buddies.

Disaster competition
What could possibly follow Everywhere grounded as a shock-horror headline? How about Everywhere powerless! Two major power suppliers failed and the National Grid had nothing to deliver to millions of customers in England and Wales between 5 p.m. and 6:30 p.m. on Friday.
    The blackout reached as close to us as Stockport but those wise enough to be living in Romiley had no idea that there was chaos around them unless they were keeping up with the news on radio or TV, or messing about on the interweb.

CFL logoLong Live The Night and the Stampeders in Winnipeg. The home team kicked a FG after 6 minutes and sent the Stamps 2 & out. Bang! Grant returned the punt for a TD! 0-10. This woke the CS up and they marched to a TD for Arbuckle, 0-7.
    DPI in goal helped the Stamps to a go-ahead TD. The Blue Bombers replied with a FG, 14-13. Bang! An 83-yard punt return for a TD by Grant, 14-20. 1:38 left. The Stamps had to punt but they got the ball back at the BB 22 by forcing a fumble from return man Grant. Arbuckle was picked off in goal by Sayles, end of the half.
    Medlock made a 55-yard FG look easy in Q3. The Stamps kicked a FG in Q4, 17-23. They fumbled away the catch of a punt at their 18, just a BB FG from it, 17-26. A TD for the Stamps with 2:24 left got them to 24-26. The BB went 2 & out but stopped the Stamps with a pick. Would they be able to eat the clock and become the Best in the West? Yup.

If some guy in a pub offers you a bottle of vodka made from rye grown @ Chernobyl, beware. A gang @ Portsmouth University made some Atomik vodka with Chernobyl rye, but only one bottle of it. Which your spiv won't have.

Corbynski & catAnything you can do . . .
Boris Johnson had his picture taken with Larry, the official Downing Street Cat. Cue O.J. in a picture with a pussy cat and making the basic mistake of not ditching the box of Treetz, which he used to lure the unfortunate moggy into his clutches.

bullet P&O Cruises has cancelled trips to the Persian Gulf to deprive the Iranian regime of mass kidnapping opportunities.

They're having a giraffe
The top copper, whose staff used false information to get search warrants in pursuit of 'Nick' fantasies, is in charge of ethics @ the National Crime Squad.
reader comment“There are coppers being hacked to bitz with machetes at the sharp end and these clowns at the top. SNAFU.” R.P.

Diet doldrums
The Warmists at the UN want us to stop eating meat and get our protein by eating bugs instead. The Warmists, including Greenpeace, would also like to encourage us to eat less meat and dairy products by slapping an eye-watering rate of VAT on them.
    UNO waxworks and Warmists would, of course, be exempt from this in view of their value to The Planet.

Another fantasy
All the chat about countrywide 5G phone coverage coming to the UK is just so much garbage. Only about 20% of the country has reliable 4G coverage now, which makes the government target of 95% coverage (of 4G) by 2022 just wishful thinking.
    There's a lot of that around in the world of politics.

CFL logoFriday Nite Football #1, the Riders in Montreal. But first, 45 minutes of BT bloody Sport fillers.
   The visitors had to punt, Ryan returned the kick for a TD! The convert missed, 0-6 after 2½ minutes. The Riders mugged Pipkin for the ball and a TD, 7-6 after 9 minutes. They lost a pick to roughing the passer. Another pick didn't survive a review. A short FG try by the Alouettes missed for a rouge, 7-all.
    SK went ahead with a FG 2 minutes into Q2. One for the home team after 5 minutes, 10-all. Shiltz, on for the battered Pipkin, was mugged and the Riders returned another fumble recovery for a TD. The convert missed, 16-10.
    SK added a rouge from a punt after 6 minutes of Q3. 17-10. Bowman of the Als claimed career sack 128 on Fajardo. There was a weather delay for lightning in the 13th minute. Eventually, the match was abandoned because of the weather—surprisingly, a first for the CFL despite Canada's reputation for violent weather. SK wins.
    Fizzle out, more boring BT Sport fillers. Now we know the reason for the first lot.

Bad people do bad things all the time
Most male members of the legal trade, we are assured by their female colleagues, are nasty, sexist gropers. But is anyone really going to expect anything better from people (the women included) who make their living out of bamboozling juries and courts to help the guilty get away with their crimes?

reader comment“One cheer for the legal genius who came up with the agony of the client's divorce as an excuse for driving through traffic lights on red.” V.R.

Far Queue symbol Former prime monster G.F. Broon is urging billionaires to give away their fortune. No doubt The Man Who Stole Your Pension is hoping that the cash will be given in his direction.

CFL logo FNF #2, The Redblacks, in Edmonton, were stopped by a pick. Gable ran through a crowd for a 28-yard TD. Field goal 68 in a row for Ward, 3-7. The RBs finished the quarter with a 67-yard TD pass, Davis to Rhymes, no +2, 9-7.
    The Esks coughed up the ball in a short yardage play in Q2, Ward again for a short FG in the 11th minute, 12-7. Whyte hit the upright with a FG try. The Esks were stuffed on a 3rd & 1 play but the RBs fumbled the ball away in the last minute. DPI gave Whyte another chance, 12-10 at half time.
    The Esks blew up on 3rd & 2 in Q3. Worse, they couldn't make 3rd & goal from the RB 1. The RBs got away with a punt instead of giving up a safety to start Q4. Gable went in for another TD in the 8th minute, no +2, 12-16. A 53 yard TD for Daniels was lost to holding and the Esks punted. 1:37 to go. The Redblacks reached 3rd & 10 at the EE 11, incomplete pass, the Eskimos win.

Magnificent motorbiking
MotoGP usually offers mayhem in the Moto3 race then more order in the Moto2 race. A wet track with a ribbon of a dry line made the Moto3 race amazingly orderly and there was an unusual amount of whizzing off the track in the Moto2 race.
   Marc Marquez has never won at the Red Bull Ring. The pole-sitter lost his lead right away. He regained it, dogged by Dovizioso, who took the lead with 9 laps to go. Marquez went ahead with 3 laps to go and the duel started in earnest. Dovi had to use a typical Marquez move to zap the leader at the end of the last lap, and Marquez still hasn't top-stepped @ the Red Bull Ring.
   What a great battle!

reader comment“We're told that North Korea is polluting the sea with missiles, which were fired off as a protest against South Korea's joint self-protection exercises with American forces. Wouldn't an email have been a better and clearer way of delivering the message? And a lot cheaper.” H.M.

Far Queue symbol No surprise that the dismal self-sacked Chancellor, P. Hammond, seems not to be in line for a gong in TheRazor May's farewell to the nation honours list. He's been a miserable road block for years.

tick symbol The Labour party is severely pissed off by the prime monster's use of one of its trademark tactics. Mr. Johnson is announcing all sorts of new spending initiatives and pinching Labour's eternal strategy of not telling anyone where the cash is coming from.
   He is also upsetting Labour by announcing that criminals will spend longer in gaol, taking traditional Labour voters out of circulation for longer.

CFL logo Saturday Nite: the Lions in Hamilton, where the Cats opened with a quick TD for Speedy B. He caught the 2-point pass, too. 0-8. Reilly to Burnham, 47 yards to the BC No. 16, no +2, 6-8 after 7 minutes. Reilly suffered his 26th sack of the season.
    The Cats pulled off an on-side kick early in Q2, FG from it. 6-11. A solid BC TD drive put them 13-11 ahead. Until Williams returned the kick off 108 yards for a TD, +2, 13-19. A brilliant catch by Burnham at the TC 3 set up a TD for White, plus a rouge from the kick off, 21-19.
    Lots more TC penalties helped BC to a TD for Reilly but the convert missed. 27-19. Another long BC drive ended with a TD for Burnham in Q4, 34-19. The Cats picked a tipped pass and got a FG from it, 34-22. Reilly was crunched some more.
    The Cats had a convert missed after scoring a TD, 34-28, 3 minutes to go. The Lions were sacked to a punt. Terrible coverage by them let the Cats get close, TD for Speedy B, 34-35 with a minute left. And the Cats picked a tipped pass to seal their win.
   What was that about no lead is safe in the CFL?

It's still going strong
If you want to hear Franglais spoken, listen to what the man in charge of the French Channel ports is saying. He is on record as describing the scaremongering about Brexit chaos as 'la bullshit'. Mainly because the ports received 7 extra months to make plans when the March Brexit was sabotaged.

No one else to blame
Gwent Police are being mocked mercilessly for refusing to put a picture of a wanted fugitive on auntiesocial meeja. Why? Because the guy has a really stoooopid haircut.
reader comment“There was even more mockery when Gwent's Finest threw a wobbly and threatened to investigate the mockers as everyone knows that investigation is something the police no longer do.” B.K.

bullet The Sentencing Panel at the Department of Justice has yet to announce the new penalty for taking seriously, anything encountered on auntiesocial meeja.

bullet In the last 3 years, 77 people have parted with £29.95 for a Toby Jug parliamentary souvenir, which is supposed to look like TheRazor May but doesn't particularly.
reader comment“No doubt the Juggers will be keen to blow £2.45 on a litre of alkaline water—as recommended by a gloopy woolliness guru—to fill up their jug.” G.P.

question mark It is impossible for MeeToo'd financier J. Epstein to have killed himself in his Manhattan rathole, which leaves just murder and natural causes. The conspiracy theorists have gone for murder big time. His alleged victims are still going for suicide as it lets them brand him a coward and amplifies their victimhood.

It's coming around
The Big Six power companies are looking nervous. Blackmailing their clients into having a 'smart' meter installed as the price of a decent tariff is destined to blow up in their faces and cost them as much as the big banks are having to shell out for PPI frauds.
reader comment“No doubt the Dept. of Work & Pensions, which tricked pensioners into closing Post Office card accounts, is also in the sights of the people who are 'facilitating' PPI claims as their next target when that cash crop dries up.
    “And as the 'criminals' are civil servants, who are never blamed for anything, and the taxpayer will have to come up with the cash to pay compensation, it will be a fierce feeding frenzy.” R.W.

bullet 56% of the population think that Parliament should be closed down to prevent Bremoaner MPs from sabotaging Brexit further.

bulletQ: What does the liberal-fascist Green party head want to prevent a No Deal Brexit?
bulletA: An all-woman, all-white Cabinet—which fails on diversity grounds if suitability for the job no longer matters.
reader comment“Labour's grouch against the grouse-shooting industry has also hit the buffers of credibility.” T.W.
reader comment“That Green woman will be lucky not to be lynched by the Algae Boutique Tendency and the Melanin Marauders.” H.C.

Retired weatherman B. Giles has a good word to offer about global warming! It will boost Britain's tourism economy, he reckons. The amount of hot air released by furious Warmists will also help.
reader comment“The only things The Planet needs saving from are nutters like B. Gates and his lunatic plan to pollute the atmosphere with dust to block out sunlight. And the likes of Greenhouse Greta.” A.R.
update Mr. Giles' conclusion has been supported by record tourism figures for Hot July.

Buy candles
The operators of the electricity national grid are going through a sticky patch. They had three near misses, it is claimed, in the quarter before this month's dual supply failure resulted in an Xtensive blackout, which had the good sense to omit Romiley.
    National Grid is making noises about learning lessons but we know from long experience that lessons are never learnt, especially when a utility vital to public safety is concerned.

bullet Anyone surprised that the top copper in charge of the 'Nick' fantasies was whitewashed painlessly at a distance by the IPCC (or whatever it's calling itself now)? No? Thought not.

bullet Was N. Farage right to take a pop at the dippier Royals during his Grand Tour of Australia? Of course, he was and more power to his elbow. And the rest of him.

State taxes in New York to soar?
If J. Epstein's death in custody was due to suicide or murder, his heirs will be able to sue the state of New York for a wrongful death and zillions of dollars in compensation.
    In the event of natural causes, there is also scope for a claim on negligence grounds as his rathole was improperly staffed, from all accounts, and he was ignored for a period of several hours.

bullet This summer's Xtreme weather has zapped crops of cauliflower, cabbage, broccoli and Brussels sprouts. Bad news for Xmas traditionalists and all those who are pretending that cauliflowers can provide steaks.

 WEEK 3 

Going down, down, down
Germany's economy is contracting, choked by increased government spending, and the country is heading for recession. Will this make the current Mherkel regime more reasonable over Brexit? You'd think it would but politicians can be extraordinarily bone-headed at times.
    Switzerland, on the other hand, is keeping wealth generated there within the country by means of new employment rules which allow industries to prefer Swiss labour in preference to staff from the EbloodyU if the local unemployment rate is over 8%.

bullet The new stream of over-75 TV licence revenue is being used to give 20% rises to already overpaid BBC staff.

reader comment“What is the point of having a privileged position if you don't use it for financial gain? Thus rendering yourself self-supporting and making yourself a taxpayer, and helping to support the NHS and the thousands of useless mouths @ the Palace of Westminster.” H.E.
reader comment“And also the gangs of Labour clients/supporters, who expect the state to keep them after Gordon F. Broon tried to buy support this way.” C.Y.

Far Queue symbol China is preparing to invade Hong Kong if the pesky locals don't stop demanding democracy and accountability from their unelected leaders. Satellite images show vast armies of assault vehicles hidden in sports stadiums close to the border.

reader comment“Politicians, most of them, are fundamentally dishonest. Take Wee Burney, the SNP chieftain. She has declared a climate emergency. But if she had consulted anyone reputable in the field, she would have been told that nothing Scotland does, and that includes making silly gestures, will have the slightest effect on the Earth's climate.
    “And yet, she went ahead and did it anyway. Fundamentally dishonest. Q.E.D.” U.M.
reader comment“And then there's O.J. Corbynski, a lifelong enemy of the EbloodyU, offering to lead the Tory Bremoaners to the promised land of a rigged second referendum, which will keep us in the EbloodyU.” R.W.

Spivs on the march
The latest food waste reduction scam is to sell small eggs under a fancy name : the rip-off price of £1.99 for 4. Compared with £1.25 for 6 medium eggs @ Romiley's Sainsbury Local and 90p for 6 large eggs @ Aldi.

bullet 55% for an A in Maths and 72% for A*? New Labour's dumbing down of the nation plan is really working.

reader comment“Good to see that the Liberals, under their new management, have rejected O.J. Corbynski's flight of fantasy. There is evidently a modicum of sense sloshing about among the looney Libs. Pity the same can't be said about Wee Burney in Scotland, who bought the daffy idea, proving she's just as mad as O.J.” H.L.
reader comment“O.J.'s daft plan isn't 'meeting resistance', it's being laughed into o'blivion, where it belongs.” R.W.

bullet Online Xplained—TUB – The Usual Bollocks

reader comment“What India does today, China does a little later. Hong Kong about to be Kashmir'd?” F.D.
reader comment“Maybe England could send the tanks in to Scotland to remove its special status and preserve the integrity of the Union.” N.P.

Next, a ban on cakes and ale?
Those whom the Gods would destroy, they first rob of a sense of humour. Like the waxworks of the Advertising Standards Authority, who have banned genuinely funny TV ads on the basis of complaints from as few as 3 outrage junkies.

update The screws who were supposed to be guarding the late financier J. Epstein were asleep for 3 hours. Which explains how the murderer(s) got in and out undetected.
reader comment“No surprise that the warden of the prison has been promoted sideways rather than suspended like the minions. One rule for the nobs and another for the PBI is a universal concept.” M.N.

Politics of the madhouse
The Corbynnies of Momentum think that if they start an online petition demanding that the Liberals support O.J.'s bid to elect himself prime monster, then it has to happen.
   It's true. Britain does have a major mental health problem and all the Corbynnies are crazy!
reader comment“The ancient Bremoaner Kenneth Clarke or the almost as ancient Harridan Harperson as the cosmetic temporary PM instead of O.J.? Just as daft.” D.S.
reader comment“If we start an online petition demanding that Greenhouse Greta's pretend carbon-neutral boat sinks in the Atlantic, will that make it happen?” F.C.

bulletQ: What happened when the City of London Police were put in charge of Britain's official fraud reporting hotline?
bulletA: CoLP handed over running of the call centre to a US firm which had been sacked by HMRC for malpractice and which employed staff with criminal records, who proceeded to mislead callers into thinking that the police would investigate their complaint.
    The sad truth is that the police just don't want to know about fraud.

You know you've really made it as a terrorist gang . . .
. . . when someone releases a Blooper Reel of out-takes from your self-important online videos, as Alky Ida did to a rival gang of Islamists in Yemen.

Far Queue symbol All those who use the term 'smart meter' instead of the true designation, 'espionage meter', should be liable for prosecution for deliberate deception. Because that's what these meters are for—spying on the energy use of the customers obliged to have them.

Xtinction of the unfit
The force of evolution works in mysterious ways. It is now wiping out the genus of middle-class cocaine bingers at an increasing rate. Something which must be of great concern to the drug trade.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

reader comment“Re: the Xavier post on 11th July—He's right, you know. The Fox continuity announcers do seem to be plugging a Wednesday night cop show called L.A. Spiders. Once it's in your head, it's impossible to shift.” R.W.

Brilliant idea? Only a politician would think so.
The current Chancellor is thinking of switching stamp duty from house purchasers to sellers. A bright idea which will just shove up house prices and leave the buyer still effectively paying the stamp duty.
    Not quite as clever as you thought it would be, eh, Vajid?

cross symbol India has suddenly realized that its population is out of control and there are too many of them to give everyone a decent lifestyle. Is that the finish for the Indian space programme? Not as long as the mugs in Britain continue to cough up overseas aid to fund it.

No one is fooled
It's all very well for Labour MPs to blame the murder of PC Harper of the Thames Valley Police on 'The Cuts' but let us not forget that The Cuts were a consequence of the Labour governments of Tony B. Liar and Gordon F. Broon ruining the economy with reckless spending.

Pickled rather than red herring
Embarrassed by the potential for accusation that it is reaping benefits from gorbal warming, Greenland is seeking to deflect attention by spreading a silly story that President Trump has made an offer to buy this self-governing part of Denmark.
    A reduction in ice due to gorbal warming will make it cheaper to exploit Greenland's natural resources, e.g. oil, minerals and the rare earth elements required by high-tech industries such as phone manufacturers. The US seems content to let its interests be served by the Thule air base and early-warning station, which monitors the activities of Russia, China and other unfriendly states in the region.

bullet Another good reason for getting out of the EbloodyU is that France is full of people who shoot and kill waiters if the service isn't fast enough—and who would want to be caught in the crossfire?

CFL logo Thursday Nite Football was the Worst in the West Lions vs the Best; the Blue Bombers, who started with a TD drive. Too many BC penalties. A 51-yard punt return by Matthews started the next BB drive; just a FG from it, 0-10. Nichols made another big pass play in the last minute of Q1 but the Lions grabbed a tipped pass.
    A long BC drive ended with a FG 7 minutes in to Q2. Recovering another batted pass gave them a 50 yard FG, 6-10. The BB were sacked to a FG try with a minute to go to half time. Off the upright for nowt. Reilly was sacked again and the Lions gave up a safety to avoid a FG against them! 6-12.
    Reilly to Carter to Durant to the BB 19 in Q3, White to the 4, in for a TD, 13-12. The BB returned the kick off to the BC 26 but were sacked to a FG, 13-15. The BB converted a pick by Jefferson into a TD, 13-22. Reilly was sacked again and a BC punt was blocked and returned by Sayles for a TD! 13-29 with a couple of minutes left in Q3, Good night.
    In Q4, the Bombers kicked a FG. Reilly ate more turf and the Lions managed a FG, 16-32. BC got a sack before Reilly went down for the 6th time. He fumbled the ball away but the BB did nothing with it. Reilly was sacked for a 7th time. Nichols was off, dinged, as time ran out. No more scoring.

Nothing like a good quest
The search is on for the site of the legendary rock festival @ Woodstock in 1969. Everyone who was there was too stoned to know which planet they were on and proved to be no help to the researchers. The Woodstock options have been narrowed down to Oxfordshire in England, Ontario in Canada and New South Wales in Australia.
    If the site is ever identified, a 51st anniversary revival is planned under the guidance of the Society for the Abolition of Zero Tyranny, which is vehemently opposed to anniversaries with '0' as the final digit.

bullet As much as 28% of the British population will tell a nosy pollster that they don't think O.J. Corbynski is totally useless.

bullet Sales of transparent face masks which frustrate facial recognition systems are expected to soar as the government sits on its hands and allows the prevailing espionage culture to spread and do damage to the right of the individual not to be spied on in a public space.

bulletQ: Where can you go if you want to be ripped off?
bulletA: There's a shop in Edinburgh in the Fringe Zone which sells packets of crisps to the unwary at ten quid a pop (near enough).

CFL logo It's Friday Nite and the Eskimos are in T'ronno. The Argos were sacked to a FG. The Esks scored a TD after a bomb to Ellingson, 7-3. The Argos were held to another FG. Harris fired a pass to Daniels at the TA 31, DPI in goal, TD, 14-6. Bit of a pattern, here.
    The score went to 21-9 with three minutes left in Q2. The Argos were sacked to a FG in the last minute, 21-12. A 57 yard pass to Daniels at the TA 8 with 11 seconds left set up an Edmonton FG, 24-12 at half time.
    The Esks went 2 & out to start Q3. Rainey nearly lost the ball stretching for the EE goal, down at the 1. Finally, a TD from the Argos, 24-19. What a catch by Ellingson, sliding on his back at the sideline in goal! 31-19. 3rd & 1 from the gun for the EE after 4 minutes of Q4? A flag for no end and a FG, 34-19.
    A 48-yard pass got another 15 yards for roughing the passer and the Argos scored a TD on the next play, 34-26 with 9 minutes to go. More DPI in goal helped the Esks to a TD with 3 minutes left, 41-26. The Esks stopped the Argos and ate clock. The End.

bullet Could it be that farmer T. Martin, 74, has never apologized for defending himself against 2 burglars 20 years ago because he has nothing to apologize for? After all, he was the one who was on the receiving end of a crime.

Institutional corruption or just plain useless?
We hear rather a lot from the SNP outfit in Scotland about the failings of the Westminster government, but what is their opinion worth? Well, it comes from a party which wastes vast amounts of taxpayers' cash.
    No politician there is ever held accountable for anything and Wee Burney's mob will never have an inquiry into a flop unless a gun is held to its collective head. Currently, there are a ferry fiasco, a hospital in Edinburgh eating money, as is Prestwick airport, and government departments are wasting tens of millions of pounds of taxpayers' money. As a result, it is impossible to distinguish the SNP from Labour, as far as its record in office is concerned.
    Not exactly a record which inspires a scrap of confidence.

CFL logo Saturday Night Football #1 was the Ticats in the nation's capital and opening the scoring with a rouge from a missed FG try. Ward of the Redblacks saw his FG streak end at 69 but he got a rouge for 1-all after 10 minutes. The Cats got close but a pick in goal stopped them. They went ahead with a FG in the 4th minute of Q2, 4-1.
    There was no more scoring until Q3, when DPI in goal helped the Cats to a major after 3 minutes. Ward kicked a FG in reply, 11-4. More RB DPI in goal? Their coach challenged a dodgy flag and was rewarded with an interception! Nothing from it, though. A bad snap robbed the Cats of a FG try in the last minute of the quarter.
    The RBs kicked another FG in Q4, 11-7. The RBs got a sack, the Cats scored a TD on the next play. 18-7 with 9 minutes left. The RBs coughed up the ball immediately at their 18, FG for the Cats, 21-7. The RBs went out on downs at the TC 10, and out on downs again to close their next drive. Story of their night. No more scoring.

bullet The police in Mexico are after a serial killer who is shooting car thieves. Why? Sounds like he's doing a grand job and one they're not up to doing.

bullet The chief fraud investigator @ Nigeria's Federal Ministry of Justice has been busted for stealing money from criminals.

Labour's poverty flagO.J. will keep the Poverty Flag flying here!
An excellent point has been raised! If the Labour party can't get rid of O.J. Corbynski as its leader, what chance does the country have of getting rid of him if it is daft enough to let him become temporary (a.k.a. permanent) prime monster?

bullet O.J. has a plan for Britain which will be on the same scale as the Thatcher revolution of the 1980s. But he can't tell us what it is until he gets back from a pointless 4-day jolly in Ghana. But the experts reckon it will reduce everyone to wearing jeans like those of the unfortunate young lady pictured [right] within 18 months.

bullet Spivs in the Scotch whisky industry are claiming that climate change will drive Scottish barley into Xtinction unless they get a sub from the taxpayer.
bullet Farmers of all persuasions are playing the climate change card with a will in the quest for more and bigger subsidies from the taxpayer.
bullet We are currently seeing record levels of climate-change-related Xtreme Bollocks, the Xperts have calculated.
bullet Farmers are having to mount an increasingly desperate defence against other Warmist Xtremists, who are accusing them of causing gorbal warming. Such is the degree of desperation that the farming lobby is even deploying the argument that nothing that happens in isolation in the UK can have the slightest effect on the global climate—and ignoring the fact that it undermines their claims for more cash.
bullet As our favourite blogger has pointed out, WTF does plastic pollution have to do with climate change?

The Alouettes are a force to be reckoned with this season
CFL logo SNF #2: The Stampeders (still no Mitchell) greeted the Montreal Alouettes with a pre-match punch-up. The Stamps went 2 & out. A 47-yard run by Johnson set up a FG for the Als from their opener. Begelton put the home team ahead with a TD in the 12th minute, plus a rouge from a penalty-fuelled kick off. 3-8.
    The Stamps stopped the visitors at the end of Q1 with a pick near their goal but the Als kicked a FG after 6 minutes, 6-7. Almost a TD for the Stamps with 2 minutes to go to half time, just a FG, 6-11. A pick gave them another FG, 6-14.
    The Als got level in Q3 with a TD +2. They went ahead with a FG toward the end of the quarter. Bang! Another TD for Begelton 2 minutes in to Q4, 17-21. Bang! Another deep pass, Arbuckle to Begelton, another TD after 5 minutes, 17-28. The Als managed a TD with 38 seconds left, aided by penalties on the Stamps, +2, 25-28. The on-side kick worked!! The Als reached the CS 20. Nearly 2 picks as Adams tried for a TD, FG, 28-all and overtime.
    No surprise that it was Begelton who scored a TD for the Stamps. No +2. The Als reached the CS 3, the 1, and Adams went in for a TD. No +2, 34-all, another OT session. Adams hit the crossbar of the sticks with a 2nd down pass to the CS end zone, but roughing the passer was called. TD for Lewis? Down at the 1. Adams again for a TD, no +2, 34-40. The Stamps couldn't score a TD, the Alouettes won in Calgary for the first time for 10 years!!

Far Queue symbol + + + Government gets tough with skiving medics + + + GPs who work mornings only will have £40K chopped off their stipend + + +

What comes around
The nation's female cricketers are up in arms over the way their governing body is letting blokes who have decided they're female to bag jobs created for exceptional women. The ladies reckon that if you're born male, you can't play female sport.
    Don't cut no ice these days.

The engineer's engineer, I.K. Brunel, was noted for his elegant handwriting, which had just one snag. No one else can read it. As a result, the diaries and documents of a man who died in 1859 have not yet been transcribed in full.
    But there is hope on the horizon in the form of an OCR program, which is being trained to do the job to spare human beings a lot of frustration.

bulletToday's Fair Question:
"Who are you?"
"What, all of it?"

A job he might actually be able to do
The nation is agreed that having O.J. Corbynski as the nation's caretaker prime monster would be a good idea—as long as he is allowed to do nothing more ambitious than wield a sweeping brush or a mop and bucket, as appropriate.

bullet Vajid Javid did one good thing when he was Home Sec. He cancelled the British citizenship of a bloke who went to Syria to fight for the Daesh terrorist gang. A move which has upset the criminal's parents mightily.

Move over Ming, it's Kim the Merciless
President Kim of North Korea is getting really desperate to be noticed. His latest ploy is to claim that his minions are testing some mysterious weapon in the hope that everyone will assume that he has a Death Ray of the sort made popular by the stories found in 1930s pulp science fiction magazines.

Far Queue symbol Sacked Chancellor P. Hammond could be heading for a solution to all of his board and lodgings problems. He seems to be in line for free accommodation in the Tower of London on a charge of high treason over his Project Fear efforts and his leaks of out-of-date documents and speculation.

Far Queue symbol Oh, dear, O.J.! The voters, that bunch of absolute bastards, would rather have a No Deal Brexit than you as PM!!

Sneaky bastards
All new and used Mercedes cars sold now are fitted with a secret tracking/spying device. Something which is illegal under EbloodyU law. No doubt Mercedes can't wait for Britain to get out of the EbloodyU to wriggle out of fines for its spy devices here.
   Mercedes claims that the gadget is used only for repossessions. Supplying illicit tracking information from the gadgets to bailiffs is illegal under UK law, our Xpert reckons.

Not thinking big enuf
Some stooge at a think tank with a fancy name has calculated that the country could save zillions of billions of pounds by raising the state pension age to 75 by 2035. But why not go the whole hog? Shoving the pension age up to 99 at the end of the current decade would save godzillions of billions of pounds.
reader comment“Why not take the piss out of the customers a bit more by doubling all of the rates of National Insurance when the pension age goes up to 99?” T.W.

bullet The health nanny lobby wants to put vitamin D into flour to save the NHS the £65 MILLION/year spent on treating rickets and other deficiency diseases. Good idea—as long as the flour can still be used for baking by the time they've finished shoving in additives.

Clarke's Fourth Law again
Xperts @ T'ronno in Canada are trying to start a scare to the effect that putting fluoride salts into tap water lowers the IQ of boys. But not that of young girls. An Xpert here reckons that the link is pretty borderline.

bulletQ: What's a good way to get yourself locked up for six years?
bulletA: Try stealing 90 lbs of sacred white sand from the beaches of Sardinia.

bullet Only 30% of Brits are willing to admit that they commit ageism. The government has a target of a 52% admission rate by 2023.

O.J. has as much chance of becoming PM as:
Dracula getting a job @ a blood bank
the internet offering only real news
BBC TV doing a 'classic' without shoving in gratutitous (sic) sex scenes
Warmists telling the truth about what really drives climate change
A 'smart' meter showing a modicum of intelligence

bulletQ: You have a body to get rid of and you decide to put the unwanted corpse in the boot of a car which will be stolen—which brand should you choose?
bulletA: A keyless Ford is your best bet.

Computer sez No Way, creates Diplomatic Incident
PM Boris' amour du jour has been on a jolly somewhere dodgy in Africa, which means that she is a member of Alky Ida in the opinion of the US visa screening computer and someone to Xclude.
    Still, Carrie can always brag about not adding to her carbon footprint by not flying to God's Country.

Got some cash to waste on something spectacularly daft?
Try Berlin Wall tablets. This homeopathic concoction starts as ground up lactose and bits of Berlin Wall. It is then diluted until not one single molecule of wall remains and sold to mugs who believe that the product contains the essence of the Wall and will break down barriers between people.

Kids are said to be switching from ciggies to pot because cannabis is a 'natural substance'. WFT do they think tobacco is other than another natural substance?

bullet Want to be attacked by a Great White shark? Head for the beaches of New Jersey and go paddling.

 WEEK 4 

Just watch it!
A Chinese waxwork has sent out a mass mailing to British MPs and peers warning them to stop noticing the oppressive regime in Hong Kong 'or else'. The nature of that or else is not specified but it could comprise a shut-down of all Chinese chippies in the UK.

bullet It is surely no coincidence that 'woke' rhymes with 'joke'.

Putting the blame where it belongs, i.e. not on Britain
Is it terrible that children live for short periods in council prefabs created from shipping containers?
    It is certainly terrible that their parents brought the children in to the world and then failed to support them and condemned them (?) to live in a council prefab rather than a big house in the country with a pony and privileges.

A long time to keep your legs crossed!
Bridgend council has announced that its plan to install water jets in new public lavatories to flush out sex offenders and rough sleepers was a fantasy released in error.
    The town's existing facilities will be closed in October and replaced with conventional relief centres, which will not open for business until the spring of 2020.

10th hour compromise
The Brexit backstop can go as long as a substitute can be found within 30 days, Mrs. Mherkel reckons. Or 31 days. Or 32 days. Or 5,033 days. Coz that's the way the EbloodyU operates.

cross symbol The Xperts have come to the truly amazing conclusion that if people don't give their full attention to a TV drama, they will lose the plot. Especially if they're messing about with a phone or tablet instead of paying attention to what's happening on the TV.
reader comment“Someone was paid good money to come up with this?” R.W.

bullet More Xperts, more garbage—85% of the people in Britain lie awake at night worrying about climate change? Sure, they do.
reader comment“See the above comment.” C.W.

bulletQ: What is worrying the Xperts the most?
bulletA: Concocting the next really good scare story to freeze us in our tracks.

Far Queue symbol Ireland's unelected Europeon Commissioner calls Boris J. an unelected PM? Do these clowns ever listen to themselves?

bulletQ: How will we know that the government's review of H2S was honest?
bulletA: If the conclusion is 'scrap it', it was honest. If the conclusion is 'go ahead', it wasn't.

Far Queue symbol Ignore all the rain we're getting today. The weather maniacs are revving themselves up to claim the hottest ever late August bank holiday on Monday.

reader comment“The reason why the battle over homeopathy won't stop raging is that lotz of people are making lotz of cash out of selling expensive water and pills. Like the Warmists, they're never going to stop taking money from mugs voluntarily.” L.B.

cross symbol Are we shocked that the wreck of the RMS Titanic is dropping to bits on the bed of the Atlantic? Not really. It has been at the mercy of marine metal-munching bacteria for over a century. No wonder the fabric of the ship has been reduced to collapsing rusticles.

reader comment“Old Corbynski must really have gone bonkers if he thinks any general election offers a once-in-a-generation opportunity to do something.” G.H.

The ugly face of la belle France
The degree of violence shown by the French police in dealing with the Yellow Vest Pests has got President MacRon worried about his country's reputation. Crowd control is handled by the CRS—Crazy Riot Squads—in France and their tactics have resulted in protesters being maimed by losing an eye or a hand. Worse, the excesses of the CRS give protesters a licence to inflict the same degree of violence on anyone wearing an official uniform.
    The violence against instruments of the state also extends to inanimate objects. The French government has been deploying what it claims are vandal-proof speed cameras. Large numbers of them have been wrecked by unconvinced citizens.

We're all bloody doomed
Bremoaners in the medical trade are waving shrouds vigorously as part of their Bugger the Referendum agenda. 'Everyone is going to die due to drug shortages' is their latest message to a sceptical nation.

No need to panic, but you can do it anyway
The latest scare story from the UNO Xperts is that microplastic fragments in water might possibly maybe could just act as carriers for bacteria, which may or may not survive contact with the human immune system.

cross symbol Repairing the Toddbrook reservoir dam to keep Whaley Bridge and other places downstream safe will cost thousands of millions of pounds? Not if cowboy builders are Xcluded from the job. But hey, when did a local council, or the government for that matter, ever get bothered about wasting taxpayers' cash?

reader comment“The BBC needs to grow a set and tell the moaners who make trivial complaints just to FOAD.” J.H.

Nerve? They've certainly got one!
The Brazilian government is putting in a strong claim for an International Bare-Faced Cheek Award. It is encouraging farmers to burn forests to clear land for agriculture and claiming that the fires were set by environmental groups, which have lost state funding and which are trying to embarrass the government in revenge.

Biodiversifiers are putting a flock of sheep on Hampstead Heath in the name of reducing the amount of mechanical grass-cutting required. As the 'flock' consists of just five sheep, they will have to be bloody hungry to make any sort of difference.

bulletQ: How do you know for sure that someone is a 'liberal'?
bulletA: They will be a po-faced git who wants it to be illegal for anyone to hold an opinion which differs from any of theirs. [from: Ctreak Robbins]

“Are you free, Mr. Humphries?” “Not any more.”
reader comment“J. Humphries makes a joke on the wireless about tango dancers falling out. The next thing you know, he's being trolled on Twatter by Captain Underpants, who wants the veteran broadcaster to quit his job in shame. Maybe after the Captain does the decent thing and gives him a lead as a penance for own many real misdeeds?” B.A.

Intolerance to come
Watch out if you give board and lodgings to a cat or a dog. The animal rights fascists are trolling people who keep exotic animals. Standard household pets are bound to be added to the hit list eventually.

reader comment“Shouldn't the Border Agency be doing something more useful to the country than hoovering up migrants on assisted passage from France in mid-Channel?” R.W.

reader comment“If the current rash of MPs reckon they can make Britain car-free by 2050, how are their successors going to get around? Surely not by bus or train with the plebs. Executive rickshaw, maybe?” P.L.

Far Queue symbol Thinking about Xmas? The Royal mail postal staff are. They're plotting their Big Xmas Strike right now.

tick symbol The Americans did it first in 2011 when they launched a humanoid robot to the International Space Station. A Russian bot called Fedor is now following in the footsteps of Robonaut 2 up there. These adult-size droids are capable of performing simple mechanical tasks, such as wielding a screwdriver, a spanner or a fire extinguisher, in environments which are or have become hazardous to humans. Fedor can also open a bottle of water and hold a Russian flag.
update Fedor failed to dock its capsule with the ISS on arrival in orbit. A human will have to do the job.

Warmists trying to wreck The Planet
Not that the Warmists would ever admit this, but the fires in the Amazon jungle are a good thing. They put smoke into the atmosphere to block sunlight and prevent the polar ice caps and shelves from melting to raise the sea level by 30 metres.
    This is exactly what rich Warmists are proposing with their plan to pollute the atmosphere with vast amounts of dust. And the smoke from the Amazon fires is a natural substance!! What could be better than that?

CFL logo Friday Nite Football: the West-leading Blue Bombers in Edmonton, where it was wet but no lightning. 2 and fumble and punt for the Bombers. A big pass from Harris to Daniels to the BB 13, just a FG from it for the Eskimos. The BB replied in kind, 3-all. The BB got the ball from a forced fumble but had it taken away by Sewell at the EE 3. The Esks got out of the hole but a pick-6 by the BB set up a 10-3 lead in the last minute of the opening quarter.
    A 53-yard pass to Daniels in Q2, just a FG. The BB replied with a TD drive and 17-6. The Esks kicked a FG in the last minute of the half and Medlock closed it with a 51-yarder, 20-9. A FG apiece in Q3, 23-12. The Esks kicked 2 FGs in the first 8 minutes of Q4, 23-19.
    Streveler scored a TD with 2:34 left, game over at 30-18? Swarming defence gave the BB a safety? No, just a rouge. A BB kicked the ball into goal, it didn't touch an EE player, and an EE player in goal knocked it out of bounds, we heard after a thorough investigation by the Command Centre. 31-18.
    Bang! A 75-yard TD pass to 4 Smith, 31-25 with 68 seconds left. The BB got the last touch from the on-side kick try. Medlock from 50 yards, 34-25, game definitely over. The Esks kicked yet another FG at 00 on the clock, 34-28 final.

Give it a rest, virtue-flaggers and scroungers
reader comment“There is no point in pretending that there is any connection between me and what people who lived in my country generations ago did, or didn't, do vis a vis the slave trade. And there is definitely no justification for giving the money I contribute as a taxpayer to people who may, or may not, be descendants of the Africans who were sold into slavery by their fellow Africans. And everyone who does it is a posturing git.” A.G.

Far Queue symbol A female astronaut has created an unwelcome first for NASA—she has been accused of making unlawful expeditions into the bank account of her estranged husband from the ISS using NASA's computer system.
update The complainant is an estranged wifeband rather than a husband, and she is also complaining that the astronaut is trying to gain custody of her son, whom she had a year before they met. The words 'web' and 'tangled' spring to mind.

Far Queue symbol Channel 4 journalist creates a sensation by attacking all and sundry? And yet, the first most people knew about it was from reading their Sunday Post Not so much a big splash as a small plunk.

bulletQ: What do you get if you hold up a bus with a toy gun in Brazil?
bulletA: Shot by a police sniper after wasting three hours of everyone else's life.

bullet Are we panicking because the world is going up in flames and it's hot, hot, hot? Actually, no. The infamous windowsill thermometer at Romiley Weather Centre couldn't manage to get higher than 44 degrees Centigrade in direct sunlight on Bank Holiday Monday and, despite all the hysteria in the other news meeja, that's nothing to get excited about.

bulletQ: What's the worst Brexit excuse in the world?
bulletA: Using Brexit as an excuse for not accepting Scottish banknotes for payment in a restaurant in England.

Far Queue symbol Iran has started test-firing missiles as a protest against North Korea's current status as the world's No. 1 missile-firing rogue state.

CFL logo Saturday Night Football #1: The Redblacks in Regina. The Riders nearly went 2 and pick, the RBs did! SK TD from it, 0-7. Another pick stopped the RBs and Fajardo went in for a TD, 0-14. 2 & pick on the RBs! Punch-up, millions of flags and SK 21 was ejected for throwing a punch. The Riders were backed up to the RB 46 and kicked a FG for 0-17.
    Jennings replaced Davis as QB for the Redblacks. The Riders opened Q2 with a FG, 0-20. The RBs were sacked to a FG after 5 minutes, 3-20. A 65 yard punt and a tackle in goal gave the RBs a safety? No, Thigpen was ruled down at the SK 1. The Riders went 2 & punt. The RBs kicked a FG with 3 minutes to half time, 6-20. A rouge from a punt by SK. Bang! A 75 yard TD pass for Rhymes and Ward missed the convert!! 12-21. Which left enough time for a RR FG, 12-24.
    Defences dominated the start of Q3. The Riders did nothing with a fumble recovery but got a rouge from a punt. The RBs kicked a FG after 8 minutes for 15-25. The Riders marched to a TD for Roosevelt in the 13th minute, 15-32. The RBs opened Q4 with a FG, SK missed one for a rouge in the 12th minute, 18-33. The RBs fumbled the ball away and the Riders scored a TD, 18-40 and that's how it finished.

bulletToday's word is vedious, which is two letters worse than tedious and should be applied to anything which is completely inrageous (the opposite of outrageous), staid, stolid and predictable.

bullet Oh, calamity! Britain is going through the agony of a major shortage of sweet potatoes, which cannot be obtained at a reasonable price for love nor money. Apparently. A quick poll of BFN's usual suspects failed to turn up anyone who had eaten one in living memory. Which explains why we are not joining in this hysteria.

CFL logo Sunday Nite Football: the Als in Toronto, where the Argos were in charge for most of the first half. They kicked a FG after 11 minutes of the opening quarter, and Fogg stopped the Als with a pick. The Argos drove in to Q2 to another FG, 0-6.
    3rd & goal at the MTL 6 at half-way, Bethel-Thompson fired a TD pass, 0-13. The Argos kicked a long FG with 3 minutes to go, 0-16. Adams hurled some deep passes and went in for a 1-yard TD, no +2, 6-16. The Argos got the MTL 3 but a rogue snap gave the ball to the Als just before half time.
    The Als opened Q3 with a TD play, Adams to Lewis, 13-16. A Triple reverse trick play toward the end of the quarter let Adams fire off another deep TD pass, 20-16. Walker skipped in with a deep pass for the Argos with a minute left, no convert, 20-22.
    In Q4, Johnson crashed in to the goal after 5 minutes, +2 worked, 28-22. The Argos were left with a minute to go the length of the field. They reached the 3 at 03 on the clock, a pass bashed from the hands of the receiver in goal, the Alouettes win.

reader comment“Before we get too excited about climate change, let us remember that it is the natural order of things for species to disappear and be replaced by new ones. Just ask the dinosaurs. Oh, no, you can't. They disappeared.” S.P.

Hysteria for all
reader comment“If the Warmists can get immoderately Xcited about a couple of hot days, can the rest of us start moaning about a new Ice Age if the weather turns chilly for a couple of days?” F.C.
reader comment“Are we impressed by a Sunday-before-the-bank-holiday temperature of 33.3 degrees Centigrade? Not if it was recroded at the vast sun-trap and heat-sink of Heathrow Airport with all that extra heat from jet exhausts.” R.W.
reader comment“This is an interesting trend in record-claiming dodginess—yelling that we've had the hottest ever bank holiday weekend before the actual bank holiday arrives; with the inevitable dip in temperature.” K.M.

tick symbol The Xperts would have us believe that householders are changing their requirements for Xtensions. More bedrooms and granny flats are out, more bathrooms are in.

CFL logo Saturday Night Football #2: the Ticats in BC. The Lions had a promising drive snuffed out by a pick in goal after 10 minutes. The Cats missed a FG try 4 minutes later. The defences continued to rule in Q2, more sacks on Reilly but a FG for the Lions in the 9th minute, 0-3. The Cats missed another FG try. BC being done out of a fumble recovery let the Cats kick a FG for 3-all at half time.
    A BC fake punt in Q3 flopped. The Cats went for 3rd & goal @ the BC 1 and scored. 10-3. A one-handed catch his goal by Leonard stopped the Lions in the 13th minute. A good punt return by Speedy B set up a FG for the Cats with 5 minutes to go, 13-3. Reilly was sacked for the 7th time. A pick by BC went to a TD for Burnham with 38 seconds left, 13-10. The Cats fielded the kick off, game over.

reader comment“The trouble with O.J. Crobynski is that he lives in another world where the history is different from the world where the rest of us live. And oh, doesn't he look surprised when someone in this world calls him a bloody liar when he starts quoting bogus history from his world!” N.R.

Far Queue symbol Someone else with his head in the clouds is Labour defector Chunky Umunna, who thinks that the Liberals, his current berth, are Her Majesty's Opposition, not Corbynski's Labour party. But hey, when did you ever need to know what you're talking about in British politics?

it's Green, it doesn't have to make sense
One of the cutest scams for saving The Planet involves roasting dead trees to turn them into charcoal, which is then buried in a quarry. Of course, the dead trees have to be transported here from Namibia because British dead trees won't do and the charcoal can't be buried in Namibia because . . . there are no quarries there?

Grow a set
Wimps in the Blackpool area are claiming that a one-second Richter 2.1 earthquake shook tiles off roofs and made buildings tremble. Romiley residents, who are seasoned earthquake survivors, cry: "Balderdash! That wasn't a real earthquake. And your roof must be in a rotten state if tiles fell off it. You'd better not stand anywhere near it in windy weather. And do not slam any doors, whatever you do."
   Natch, the quakette was blamed on fracking, which wasn't being performed at the time.

Prorogues Gallery
reader comment“Today will go down in history as the day Wee Burney Sturgeon's long-dead claim to know what she's talking about really began to stink.” U.B.

reader comment“Any doctor who thinks that charging foreigners for using the NHS involves racialism is guilty of wilful stupidism.” D.V.

Back to the good old 'cheese-eating surrender monkey' days?
President MacRon is getting his tail well twisted over his attempts to order the Brazilian president around. President Bolsonaro is evidently not someone to suffer fools gladly and other Brazilian politicians are joining in with gusto. Oh, dear, Ron! But you did offer yourself as a cheap target.

reader comment“When the NHS goes into another crisis caused by the microwave pollution from 165-foot towers for 5G phones, who will pay compensation? The government for allowing the masts to be deployed? The companies using them and polluting The Planet with unnatural radiation? Nobody because it seemed like a good idea at the time?” R.W.

Far Queue symbol The Archbish of Canterbury is giving up the lost cause of saving souls in favour of saving the country from a No Deal Brexit. Despite having no mandate from the electorate to do so.
More doublethink
update The Archbish has agreed to be the figurehead for the Bremoaners' Forum on condition that it does nothing to delay or prevent Brexit. Which is on a par with agreeing to be the figurehead of the Cannibals' Collective on a promise that they will go vegan.

bullet The Xperts have discovered that kids have swapped imaginary friends created in their own imagination for imaginary friends on auntiesocial meeja.

Pints of red all round
Good news for red wine drinkers—it boosts the count of 'good' bacteria in your gut and does you a world of good. So drink up while you can and before some bunch of miserable git Xperts claims that red wine, in fact, destroys the 'good' bugs.

tick symbol The combined policy of the police and the courts to turn a blind eye to drug pushers and consumers has elevated Britain to the status of the drug capital of Europe and top of the league of drug-related deaths.

bullet In the event of a No Deal Brexit, the supply of Sauerkraut from Germany will be halted immediately. Tragedy!

 WEEK 5 

Only spivs need apply
Could it be that fundamentally dishonest people gravitate to that part of the supermarket business which deals with special offers? Why else would they continue to break the law with bogus offers? Especially after Which? filed a trading standards super-complaint about the practice back in 2015.
   Yet another example of a regulator asleep at the wheel—the Competition & Markets Authority, in this case.

bullet The Bug Bunch are not content with trying to force humans to consume insect protein, they also want to force it on unsuspecting cats and dogs. Their Big Problem will be getting pet owners to buy the muck, even if there's the usual strapped on BS propaganda about saving The Planet.

Look out, there's a thief about
Attention all those people who are hoarding £1.5 BILLION in unspendable paper five and ten pound notes. O.J. Corbynski and his Gordon F. Broon clone Chancellor wannabe would love to steal it from you.

reader comment“Would wiping every human being from the face of The Planet create a 'stable climate'. No, it wouldn't. And neither will the tinkering of global warming fraudsters and ignorant politicians.” B.A.

Useless everywhere
French boat owners on the Channel coast are finding that they can forget about sailing as their boat is over in England, stolen by migrant criminals. As a result, they are having to set up vigilante patrols at night. Sadly, the French authorities have a usefulness rating of 'chocolate teapot'.

bulletQ: What is Socialism, according to the present Labour leadership?
bulletA: Stealing from the enterprising and their descendants to keep the masses idle and on state hand-outs.

Storm in a teaspoon
PM Boris's decision to bring this session of Parliament to an end and restart in mid-October means that only about a week at the coal face will be lost rather than five weeks.
    Let us not forget that there will be three non-working weeks for the party conferences and MPs don't do the full working weeks of most of the people who pay their wages.
reader comment“Someone needs to remind Wee Burney Sturgeon that democracy isn't everyone doing what she says.” J.N.

reader comment“Lord Kerslake, former honcho of the civil service, talks about the civil service now having to consider putting the stewardship of the country ahead of service to the government of the day. But as the civil service has always put its own agenda ahead of serving the people and their government, and Kerslake knows it, no one is likely to be impressed by his hypocrisy.” D.V.
reader comment“Maybe he's going to challenge Berko for the International Berk of the Year Award.” L.S.

Recycled headline from May for the Parliament thing
Lots of bad guys being upset cannot be a bad thing
    Context—Brexit in both cases.

reader comment“How will the Scottish Tories fare now that they have become Ruthless? You can't beat leaping off to spend more time with your family when things don't go your way.” J.S.

Far Queue symbol The Twat of the Month Award has to go to the stooge at Ofcom who banned the 1960s hit Melting Pot by Blue Mink.

The medical trade now has everyone thoroughly confused. Is the current shortage of HRT drugs a bad thing because women are having to put up with menopausal symptoms? Or a good thing because they're not at risk of breast cancer from the treatment? Answers on a PC to the usual address.

reader commentMeteorological Autumn is about to be upon us? More dumbed down BS from its weatherperson purveyors.” I.H.

reader comment“I can't see much trade going on between Eire and Britain if the government of the Irish Republic is telling us that if they put a hard border between themselves and Northern Ireland, then their terrorist bombers will see that as a licence to murder and maim even more British citizens. Friends like that we definitely shitely do not need.” C.L.

Opacity Rulz
Most charities don't keep proper track of donations, a survey has found. Which means that millions of pounds could be sneaking into the pockets of the light-fingered. Something to bear in mind next time you're confronted by a chugger.

reader comment“Bollocks about ending the current Parliamentary session from Berko on holiday? Bollocks back to the Burk.” B.H.
reader comment“Isn't it great when you have your own personal rent-a-mob like O.J.? People who can't be bothered working and so can leap to the World of Westmonster @ a moment's notice to yell their leader's slogans.” K.B.

Far Queue symbol The notorious Letter from Hong Kong ordering British MPs and peers to shut up about the erosion of democracy there is now the subject of a frantic 'not me, Gov' campaign by the former administrator who was blamed for it.

reader comment“How many people will be interested in a space holiday; presumably in low Earth orbit with no gravity; in 2069 if all you get to eat is bugburgers? Thanks, but no thanks.” R.W.

bulletThe Good News is that we don't have to worry about global warming any more.
bulletThe Not-So-Good News, according to Dame S. Davies, the nation's official nanny, is that antibiotic-resistant bugs will wipe out the human race before The Planet can manage it using The Weather.

reader comment“When did J. McDonnell, the Labour Chancellor and taxpayer's pocket-dipper wannabe, ever give his life to safeguard democracy? All he ever does is undermine it.” A.N.

This is something you kinda expect . . .
Have you heard about the Hotpoint factory at Peterborough, which is part owned by Whirlpool, the firm notorious for making white goods like dryers which burst into flames? The factory burst into flames.

reader comment“I wonder if a stooge at Ofweb will find the garbage and wibble spewing on to auntiesocial meeja from the Bremoaner Forum is an offence against the truth which needs to be banned? NHMB**.” R.W.
[** Not Holding My Breath. Ed.]

Just a question of forward planning
There are concerns that Black Rod, the Queen's Messenger, being female and non-military, might not be able to handle the stroppier members of the House of Common Criminals when she tries to summon them to the Lords to hear the Queen's Speech.
    She does have a ceremonial sword but she might not be practised in the art of using it. But as Parliament will not reopen until mid-October, she will have plenty of time to receive basic training in the use of alternative personal-protection gear against violent offenders, such as a cattle prod and a pepper spray.

Unexpected consequences
Feeding kids a vegan diet deprives them of choline, a vitamin-line nutrient which is essential for brain development. Which raises the spectre of a generation of vegan kids who are too dim to realize that the world is going to hell in a hand-basket and not bothered about it!
    In the words of the famous but unattributed poem:
“See yon happy moron? He disnae gie a damn.
Ah wish ah wis a moron. Haud on, perhaps ah am.”

bulletQ: How much does it cost to investigate and clear 8 hospital consultants falsely accused of bullying and rachel slurs?
bulletA: Five million quid of taxpayers' money from the NHS budget.
bulletQ: The services of how many nurses would that amount of cash have bought?
bulletA: Don't ask.

bullet The fake marriage industry can boast a growth rate of at least 500% over the last 10 years, thanks mainly to EbloodyU free movement of imposters rules.

Far Queue symbol Melting Plot: What's happening to the treacherous anti-democratic conspiracy options of the Remoaner Cult.

tick symbol The Drug Squad at Gatwick airport is on the ball, keeping the nation safe. Their latest haul was 25 bags of vegan cake mix, which could have done a whole lot of damage to the unfortunate Planet.

Far Queue symbol The institutions trying to sleaze Falklands veteran Prince Andrew have tossed the Mandelsleaze into their nasty mix. Have they no shame?
[No. Ed.]

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, August MM19 like anyone cares