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zombie humbugThere is still no F in Brexit thanks to the Westminster Wonders
—but Prime Monster Boris is doing his best to ram it up the humbuggers!
“The sanctimonious, humourless, preachy, victimhood peddling marionettes that fill our public space”—that’s telling ’em!

 WEEK 1 

Despite Austerity and Endemic Poverty, there are people around who will pay £275 per session to have their dog's head shrunk.

£151 MILLION of British taxpayers' money sent to pay for the space programs of China and India and used for their Moon probes? That Dopey Dave the ex-Leader has a lot to answer for.

Well, thanks a bunch for that!
It seems that Greenhouse Grater has been getting whinge therapy for her mental health ishoos. She has been curing her own depression by depressing everyone else with her tales of doom and gloom and gorbal warming, and her sense of impotent outrage.
reader comment“Nothing that can't be cured by getting a life, then?” R.W.

Far Queue symbol Cyprus—a rapist's paradise. That should do wonders for their tourist trade.

bulletQ: What do you do when you're the figurehead of a leading Japanese motor company who is being fitted up by enemies?
bulletA: Make sure your parents are Lebanese then hop on a private jet to Beirut to get somewhere with no extradition treaty with Japan. The Lebanese Ghost's lawyer is reported to be left aghast at the loss of income.

+ + + Dolphins spotted lurking about off Flamborough Head, Yorks. + + + The End of the World is Nigh + + + AAAGH! + + +

It's life’s illusions I recall. I really don’t know life at all.
O.J. Corbynski claims that 2020 was a good year for Labour—with some justification. After all, he dodged the bullet of winning last month's election and having to form a government which would have disappointed his Corbidiots by failing to deliver all the free stuff he promised them.

Far Queue symbol The BBC news would have us believe a new decade is starting today. But every January 1st is the start of a new decade if you can't grasp the concept that a calendar decade runs from 1 to 10.
reader comment“The Beeb is probably still embarrassed about going along with Tony B. Liar's story that the 20th century ended at the end of 1999, when his flop of a Millennium Dome opened.” C.B.

Escaping the rabbit hole of darkness
The financial crisis precipitated in 2008 by G.F. Broon's fiscal recklessness has resulted in two-thirds of adults in the UK being debtors—thanks mainly to the current disincentive to save created by piss poor interest rates as a direct result of the Broon Catastrophe.

Easter eggs went on sale a couple of days after Xmas Day.

Bigot News
The author Charles Kingsley described Bideford in Devon as The Little White Town because of the colour of the buildings and the streets. Cue a racialist councillor trying last November to get rid of the nickname because he thought it had white supremacist overtones.
    Cue the racialist council minded to go along with the plan. Cue the racialist councillor withdrawing his motion to ban the nickname following an avalanche of derision from the entire nation. Cue nothing happening and a lot of time and local council taxpayers' cash wasted on . . . bugger all.

Same old same old same old
After their failure to get anywhere @ the Chilean (held in Madrid) gorbal warming jamboree last month, the fraudsters are moving their goal posts by a decade. Instead of 10 minutes to save The Planet, we now have 10 years and Prince William is their new fall guy.
    Bets are even now being laid as to who will be the woke figurehead when the whole sorry charade is replayed @ the start of 2030.

bullet Pope made to grovel & spout platitudes after being assaulted @ work by pushy woman.

Just what we need
One of the Labour leadership wannabes is promising to be the champion of progressive patriotism, whatever that is. She clearly doesn't realize that everyone else knows what starting a political or PR concept with 'pro' means in a looney left context.
[Hint: a swindle on the way. Ed.]

Now we know
The Liberals didn't win the last election because they grotted on Brexit and not because they are an unelectable joke of a political party.
p.s. That BS about revoking Article 50 and pretending Brexit was never launched, that would have applied only if they Liberals had won a majority to govern from the election. So it was complete pie-in-the-sky claptrap.

cross symbol The hottest winter day on record was recorded @ Kew Gardens last February. Cambridge University Botanical Gardens is claiming the record for the hottest ever any-season day during last July. Which is a lot of a giveaway if these records are being claimed in greenhouses!!

See a drain, pour cash down it
The carbon dioxide released and resources used up by the EbloodyU's travelling circus, which moves from Brussels to Strasbourg for a week every month to massage French egos, have been made exempt from the EbloodyU declaration of a climate emergency, which was made in December.
    The process includes driving a huge fleet of limos back and forward between the two cities for the local use of MEPs and officers who make the journey by air. Trying to cover up that short of extravagance tells us exactly how much that declaration is worth.

A chance to preachify!
Anyone who chooses to live in an area subject to wildfires, either natural or man-ignited, can expect to be in a lot of trouble if they fail to create an adequate system of fire-breaks around settlements. That's just plain obvious whether you live in Australia or California.
reader comment“Something else that's obvious is that the fires will be particularly bad after any long spell of drought in a climate prone to it. But blaming gorbal warming for everything is, of course, a way of tapping in to the prevailing victim culture plague.” L.M.
reader comment“Those people who were whingeing about the Sydney New Year fireworks take the biscuit. If they're miserable, everybody else has to be? Pur-lease! So much for Poms being the whingers.” J.Bull

Back here
reader comment“Does the Archbish of Canterbury have shares in phone companies? Is that why he wants everyone to make lots more phone calls? Could be.” C.B.

Far Queue symbol Cyprus has become the North Korea of the Mediterranean with tourists going there to see how bad things are rather than enjoy themselves.
zombie spider reader comment“Cyprus is claiming that part of their current PR problem is having the same justice system as the UK. We all know what weirdos some our judges are. And as for the police farces which gave us Operation Midland and similar catastrophes . . . maybe they have a point.
    “Or maybe they don't if they know the system doesn't work and they won't change it and they turn a rape case into persecution of the victim.” R.W.
reader comment“The only excuse that works is that they're just a bunch of ignorant foreigners.” C.B.
reader comment“That thing about having the same justice system sounds like one of them there bugger-boos.” H.S.
[See the claim that Jesus was a refugee in the December issue. Ed..]

Plastic Peeple
The Xperts have guestimated that the average human consumes 2 wheeled bins-worth of microplastics in a lifetime. There is no evidence to suggest that this is in any way harmful—but that is no reason not to PANIC!! and claim victim status and lots of compenbloodysation from the rest of the world.

Ain't we virtuous!
Congrats are due to the National Grid, which has been able to massage the energy production figures to pretend that more came from occasionals, nuclear and wood ships imported at great expense and with a huge carbon footprint from America than from fossil fuels in 2019.
    The equation includes energy imports from abroad, which is a huge cheat, but who cares if it lets us wave our virtue flags?
reader comment“Sadly, none of this has made any measurable impact on the Earth's climate and Australia is still having its annual summer heat wave. But hey, we can pretend, right?” C.B.

Far Queue symbol President MacRon of France is going to give a Legion d'Honeur gong to the city of London in June to thank the Cockneys for winning World War II and liberating France? 75 years too late?
    And what about the rest of Britain, the Commonwealth and the USA? Too little way too late. Typical useless Froggie gesture.

Today’s Medical Miracle: My feet are killing me—literally!
[We're still making up the story for that one. Ed.]

zombie humbug
There are not that many pheasants in Japan, but there are
alternatives for those who enjoy a spot of rough shooting. Pull!

bulletQ: What do you get after a 27-day rail strike in the south-west of England?
bulletA: No trains because all the striking guards need to be retrained!

Lateral thinking
In March of 2009, Prince Chuck proclaimed that we had 100 months to save The Planet. That deadline has come and gone and were ain't dead yet. Or has it? Maybe he was talking in hexadecimal and giving us 160 decimal months, which means that we're still okay until June of 2022. Phew!

Sieg Flat!Heads or Tails Loser or No Balls, Please!
Pixie Cooper, failed Syrian refugee host and wife of the appalling Flatline Ed of that ilk, has binned her Labour leadership ambitions to avoid the humiliation of having to sit on the sidelines of politics, powerless, if she were to win the job. Not that she had any sort of a chance anyway.
reader comment“The Corbynistas are said to be grooming a continuity candidate to replace their fallen hero. Is that continuity as in IRA?” D.S.

bulletQ: How do you scare parents into getting their kids vaccinated?
bulletA: Start spreading stories of animal diseases jumping species to humans if the vaccination rate falls any lower.

The big banks are planning to make branches Xtinct by 2025. Along with cash money as a medium of exchange.
reader comment“Yet another step in the masterplan to force customers to hand over all their money for safe-keeping and have no access to it afterwards.” R.W.

bullet If you want your bins emptied in Birmingham, forget it. The staff are all off sick with an Xmas 'n' New Year bug.

Oh, dear! The BBC is bracing itself for compenbloodysation claims from male-identifying staff who were paid LESS than female-identifying staff doing the same job. What goes around . . .

Plain useless
The latest way for teenage gangsters to get away with multiple mugging charges is to claim they were modern slaves of a gang leader. There are dummoxes @ the Home Office who are only too eager to believe them and let them walk out of custody and get away with everything.
    Next thing you know, the CPS bins the slavery charge and the gang leader walks, too.

The Daily Mail is proposing Princess Kate for the role played by Jaclyn Smith (curly, dark hair) in a remake of the TV series Charlie's Angels.

Far Queue symbol London's cosmetic mayor, Sadgeek Can't, is presiding over a Tube system which is more polluted than the underground railways of Los Angeles, New York, Peking and Seoul. No surprise there.

New political accessory
Being the figurehead of the Liberal party is getting less and less inclusive. Men need not apply, nor women who are not from an ethnic minority. And now, a membership card for the Algae Boutique is being viewed as an essential attention-getter.

bulletQ: What did Adolf Hitler have for afters?
bulletA: Reichs Pudding.
bulletQ: What did he have if seconds wasn't enough?
bulletA: Third Reichs Pudding.

reader comment“Is all the crap about 'the start of a new decade and so everything will be different and really wonderful' over yet and is it safe to come out of the bunker?” R.H.

The Fashionable Thing of the Moment this month is . . . Aldi's exercise vest with pockets containing a total of 10 kg of sand to make you work harder.
[Hint: you're supposed to think it looks like a suicide vest. Ed.]

bulletQ: What do you do if you're a Detroit fire crew @ a house that's ablaze from top to bottom?
bulletA: Make sure the place is empty then line up for a selfie with the bonfire in the background.

Ideologically bullet-proof and beyond redemption
The head of the government's deradicalization programme has concluded that Islamist terrorists can't be cured as they have a personality which seeks aggravation. Dumping then down a deep, dark hole remains the only sensible thing to do with them.

bulletQ: What do you do if there's a scandal in the NHS and customers die?
bulletA: Investigate it 40 years later to ensure that all those responsible get away with it.

cross symbol Veganists are trying to get their lifestyle declared a religion instead of an obsession or a psychiatric disorder so that they can get away with even more tiresome antics in the field of employment and claim compen-bloody-sation for being fired for being a bloody nuisance and an obstructive piece of crapola.
reader comment“Sometimes the Law is an ass, and sometimes it's made by donkeys.” L.P.

Definition for the Day: Woke—Having a window seat on the victimhood Xpress.

bullet Over 3 million Moslems have decided that they would rather live in England than in an Islamic country.

Nothing ever changes; that is the point
A former chief waxwork of the civil service has warned those who want to shake it up that they need to be realistic about the pace of reform.
Translation: The civil service has 2 speeds, dead slow and dead stop.

reader comment“We are told that now a new decade has begun, everyone is making resolutions to go to the gym, stop smoking, be virtuous, etc. How much bollocks is in that sentence? A hell of a lot.
    “No. 1: There's no connection between these resolutions and this alleged new decade. People have been making cosmetic New Year resolutions (and binning them) for . . . ever.
   No. 2: Not everyone does it.” A.M.
reader comment“No. 3: The resolution thing is part of a plug for a book by a professor who thinks MPs should give up boozing in their place of work so that they give sober consideration to the tomfoolery that goes on there. Like they would every consider doing that!” T.P.

A brief moment of fiscal rectitude
Conscious of the responsibilities facing them in a new decade, the nation's credit card users made more payments than pledges during last November, reducing the national credit card debt for the first (and probably the last) time since records began!
reader comment“Optimists are suggesting that such events may become more frequent as The Planet tips over the edge into gorbal warming. Pessimists are proclaiming the opposite view and attracting much more support in opinion polls.” T.E.

cross symbol If you are planning to fly anywhere, make sure there are no superstitious Chinese people on the passenger list as they are liable to throw coins into the plane's engines 'for good luck' with the result that the flight is grounded for engine safety checks and hauling the Chinese saboteur off to a police station. (If there is one still open.)

A welcome week off
Supporters of the Green Bay Packers were surprised and delighted that their team skipped Wildcard Weekend and had a wee cough. On Saturday, the Texans squeaked an overtime win over the feisty Bills and the Titans marched into New England and put Armstrong Athletic back in their box in a match full of drama in the last 15 seconds.
    On Sunday, the Vikings did a hell of a job to get past the Saints in overtime in New Orleans. After all the stick Kirk Cousins got before the match, he's either entitled to claim the win as his and his alone, or he has now proved that all he needs to win are some decent team mates. The Eagles lost their quarterback to injury in a home defeat by the Armstrong Athletic of the NFC, the Seattle Seaweeds. No overtime.

The comrades say NO!
No surprise that the workshy peasants are revolting in Paris against the MacRon reforms of the public sector pension system and his plan to merge 42 separate rackets into a single one.
    The unions are complaining that their members would have to shirk beyond the current official retirement age of 62, which would be cruel and unusual. Presumably, because by then, the comrades are worn out after a life of heavy drinking and cheese-eating, and going on strike instead of working.

bulletQ: What does it take to cause a sensation among the twits on Twatter?
bulletA: Something as trivial as a game-show contestant not being able to come up with a name for Greenhouse Grotter.

Things to come?
In Sweden, banks holding deposits of more than 70 billion kroner [$7.5 billion] are now required by law to make sure that customers have access to cash, even in rural areas, where thousands of people have to travel over 20 kilometres to reach a cash machine.
   What's the catch? Not until January 1st 2021.
    No minimum travel distance was specified by law and Swedes are expecting the banks to pull off the biggest swindle they can manage. Something British citizens would be well advised to keep an eye on as the banks here keep on trying to harvest our cash on a non-returnable basis.

Marine mass murder
Mackerel are being branded the locusts of the ocean because they are gobbling up so much aquatic grub and smaller fish that they are driving fellow fish salmon into Xtinction though starvation.
bullet A gorbal warming connection is currently being cobbled together as a matter of urgency and will be available shortly.

bullet The Penrith suburb of wildfire-assailed Sydney is claiming a new world record temperature of 49.9 deg.C. Which is not even close to the 125.6 deg.F recorded at Romiley Weather Centre last July.

Typical management failure to make the buggers pay
The Metropolitan police reckon they get 22,000 nuisance calls from people dialling 999 to whinge about something trivial, like ordering one sausage from a takeaway joint but having three delivered.
    If a fine of £100 were to be imposed for wasting police time, that would raise over two million quid for the Met's coffers. Almost enough to fund another Operation Midland.
    But, of course, the waxwork tendency in police circles is all about moaning about how hard the customers make their lives rather than coming up with effective solutions to vexatious issues.

Absolute Panic! Confect Outrage!
cross symbol You have to wonder about the mentality of the journos and usual suspects who were moaning because our PM didn't get the RAF to whisk him back here, at huge expense to the taxpayer, when President Trump exterminated a major Iranian terrorist. We live in an age of communications and it's not as if the PM was out in the wilds and out of reach.
    He was in touch with his minions here, and there's little more he could have done, had he dashed back from his holiday retreat, other than jump through a few control-freak hoops.
    Same with the Australian prime minister, who was on holiday during some of the bush fire crisis. He, too, would have been in full touch with home base and able to give any necessary orders. And it's not as if the fires weren't on TV, which was available to him.
    We're supposed to be living in the 21st century but you'd think we were still in the 14th or 15th from the way some of the idiots around us behave.
reader comment“Good news for the Aussies. After this year's fires, there won't be anything left to burn for at least a decade.” E.O.

Far Queue symbol Stand by for a book plug. The appalling Nonce Finder Watson has one coming out called Downsizing. His enemies say it's all about his role in reducing the size of the parliamentary Labour party by 59 bodies last December.

Ah, that's why we've had all the hype about the start of a new decade. It's so that the trial of Harvey Weenstine in New York can be described as the trial of the decade.
reader comment“That's if the defence and the prosecution between them can stack a jury to their mutual liking.” R.W.

bullet Delhi, the capital of hot India, has recorded its coldest day for 119 years. But don't expect the gorbal warming fraudsters to mention this, though.

bullet DNA tweaking could be used to rid the British Isles of the imported grey squirrels and create a safer environment for the native reds. But there is bound to be an outcry of outrage when pests are eliminated. There always is.

cross symbol Electric cars and hybrids are in danger of Xtinction before they take over the world, thanks to the activities of dodgy scrap metal merchants. They are providing a ready source of income for thieves, who can whip off a precious metal-containing catalytic converter in a minute or so. Small, well-placed pieces of lead could be used to cure this problem.

 WEEK 2 

bulletQ: What's a good way to upset veganists and vegetarianists?
bulletA: Create a plant-based burgher recipe for semi-pro veggies but cook it on the grill used for meaty burghers and serve with regular mayo.

bullet France is still on strike. No surprise there.

Win, whine
Small shops in Germany are having to issue a receipt for every purchase, which is annoying the customers because of the extra pieces of paper flying around. But the move is seen as a necessary step in the battle against tax fraud by small shops. Few customers bother with the receipts, which provide the recycling industry with further fodder.

Old gaol, big fail
The screws @ Winchester prison, one of the most ancient and crumbling in the country, are unable to keep track of the cons. Thus they have no idea whether the customers are banged up in the calls, off rioting somewhere or hiding and making some home-brew booze.
    HM Inspectorate of Prisons is not too pleased.

bullet Australia is getting a bit of rain but it is expected to make as little difference to the massive bush fires as Britain going cosmetically carbon-neutral.

Your face has to fit
The BAFTA Beefers are binning the excellence card in favour of the diversity card in future. If you're white, male and hetero, forget a nomination. Especially if you're provocatively able as well. Similarly, able-bodied white women might have a small chance of making the cut, but not a terribly big one.

bullet If you're happy and you're well off, you have a great chance of being a success in life, the Xperts have concluded after massive deliberation. Well, who'da thunk it!

bullet The Manchester rapist, who got only 30 years for his record number of crimes, is a foreigner with rich parents. So he has a major excuse for what he did.

bulletGood News: The Cumbria cops are getting tough on crime.
bulletBad News: It's only for one week, then they'll be back to ignoring it again.

So now you know
According to the token Northerner who is Labour's incontinuity leadership candidate, O.J. Corbynski turned in a 10 out of 10 performance in the election and it was the news meeja and the people who got it wrong.
Bloody customers, eh?
Far Queue symbol Anyone who wants to chuck a rotten egg or a squashy tomato at O.J. Corbynski whilst he is the Labour leader has until the beginning of April to get the job done.

Are they having a Giraffe?
One minute, you're reading about TransPennine Express cancelling half of its trains because the new rolling stock has arrived 18 months late and they need to retrain all their drivers. The next, you get an email offering extra Nectar card points on journeys from Manchester to points east, the Lake District and Edinburgh on TransPennine. Wonderful timing!

bullet The pre-convicted prisoner J. Epstein had his neck broken in 3 places in his cell but the New York authorities are still claiming he wasn't murdered.

Someone else having a Giraffe
Prince H and Princess M have returned from their 6-week holiday in Canada feeling energized—for a life of leisure and without all that Royal stuff. Next stop, Governor of the Bahamas like several times great Uncle Edward? That sounds like a suitably progressive role in their current weird bubble.
reader comment“Princess Mhegan to go back to acting to be the first James Bond in a frock?” S.C.
reader comment“If they want some quick cash, they could sign up with a on-line betting company and tell people to 'gemble responsabli' instead of that Cockney spiv.” A.T.
reader comment“An airline sponsorship deal to pay for all the transAtlantic trotting?” R.B.
reader comment“No surprise Princess Mhegan is getting all the blame from the luvvie set.” E.T.
reader comment“Blame the foreigner? Bloody typical.” O.A.
reader comment“That's what they're for, mate! Otherwise, why would so many of them be so appalling?” R.W.
reader comment“Right! It takes encountering an exceptional, plain-spoken, honest broker like President Trump to show just how few of the others are trustworthy, decent people.” B.C.
reader comment“Especially the French.” E.M.
reader comment“Wibble mongers are going on about the £3 of taxpayers' cash spent on doing up the Queen's 'cottage' @ Frogmore, which could be the detached couple's UK base. Better the cash be spent here rather than paying for the space programmes of China and India.” R.B.
reader comment“If the cottage has a Grade II list, no wonder it's costing three million quid to straighten it up.” L.H.

bullet + + + Romiley dodges Met Office bogus storm + + + 70 mph winds threatened for yesterday + + + A bit chilly but not a sausage on the gale front + + +

Far Queue symbol The verdict is in—who needs them, Hairy & Mhegan? But then, do we need two more woke luvvies out in the big, wide world moaning about the meeja and major intrusions into their lives? [Except when they want to be noticed, of course. Ed.] And who's going to pay for all the security?
bullet Which is worse, Megexit (back to Canada) or Sussexgate? Answers on a PC to the usual address.

Spot the difference
The way things are going, our local trains operator, Northern, is about to be binned, in a shower of excuses, for being an utter shambles, which means that quite shortly (or even longly, given the miserable speed of action of government departments), train travellers will get chaos and shambles sponsored by the public sector rather than the private sector.

bullet In a world where everybody who is anybody speaks English, the British are still being twitted for not bothering to learn superfluous foreign languages.
reader comment“Labour is getting a lot of the blame because Tony B. Liar, the Education, Education, Education bloke, made languages optional @ O-Level and made a generation of French and German teachers redundant.” S.H.B.

No holiday camp
The defected former boss of Nissan is now said to have done his disappearing act inside a large trunk of the sort used to move audio equipment between gigs, which sounds a hell of a lot more convincing than in a double bass case.
    He is believed to have bugged the hell out of Japan after discovering that his captors were planning to send him and a gang of other prisoners up the jungle in chains to build a railway.

reader comment“Is a Boris Bounce rise in house prices really all that wonderful? If you have one, you're no better off. And if you don't have one, they become even more unaffordable.” B.H.

Far Queue symbol The new boss of the EbloodyU Commission; a control-freak German woman woman has replaced Mr. Druncker; reckons there are not enough free-lunch days available to make a trade deal with the UK by the end of this year.

Far Queue symbol Over 50 Iranian cannon fodder casually written of and hundreds more injured in the jamboree for the dead terrorism sponsor. 22 missiles shot at US bases in Iran missed everything vital, like the people there. The Ayatollah Bunchacommies and his mob are not really all that good at anything except ranting.
update Ukrainian airliner crashes mysteriously just after taking off from Tehran airport. Satellite images show a missile going for it. Not us, claim the Iranians. Are they going to blame it on their Russian 'advisors', who have form for shooting down airliners? The Iranians obviously know exactly what happened if they sent bulldozers to the crash site instead of investigators.

bullet The Xperts have a new way to live forever on offer—drink at least 3 cups of tea per week. Green makes your forever last longer than black, but we probably shouldn't point that out as it will upset the diversity police. [Too late. Ed.]

reader comment“No need for Prince Chuck to worry about the auto-slimming Royal Family. If they do less, because there are fewer of them, what they manage to do should be appreciated the more.” R.C.

Intended consequences?
The Notional Truss is planning to put 20 million trees on 45,000 acres of farmland over the next 10 years. Which is good news for foreign farmers and not so good news for Britain, which will have to import more food and increase the national carbon debt to The Planet through the transportation costs.

tick symbol The Brexit Bill has made its way through the House of Common Criminals and now faces being messed about to some extent in the House of Frauds.
bullet The Common Criminals will be getting 4½ times more holiday this year than the people who pay their wages.

bulletQ: How do you upset the Looney Left?
bulletA: A good way is to mention that people with large families who have to resort to food banks have run out of alibis.

bulletQ: How can B&Q nark some of its customers?
bulletA: Sticking fake flowers on to flowering cacti outside the blooming season will do it.

Mhegan's kneesColossal Confection
Is there really fury throughout the nation over Prince Hairy and Princess Mhegan becoming Snoflake royals with no responsibilities? Yes, there are some people with nothing better to do confecting outrage by the tankerload because their horses in the Royal Steeplechase have refused @ a fence. But out here in the real world, nobody gives a monkey's.
    And Mhegan playing the Wee Burney Sturgeon Trousers card as she zoomed off back to British Columbia is not going to impress anyone.
reader comment“MHexit makes more sense, but since when has that had anything to do with anything?” D.H.

bulletQ: What's a good way to make the Football Association and on-line gambling firms even more reviled?
bulletA: Sell the viewing rights to FA Cup matches to a gembling website.
reader comment“Has anyone asked the Emirs who pay for the FA Cup what they think of selling the matches to promote gambling?” A.B.C.

reader comment“MHexit makes more sense, but since when has that had anything to do with anything?” D.H.

bullet + + + Romiley survived another gale warning + + + a bit breezy but certainly nothing like 80 mph on Saturday + + +

Missile strike AND terrorism
+ + + Iran finds totally pointless stooge to blame for shooting down Ukranian passenger jet + + + limp tale of thinking it was a cruising missile + + + small slap on wrist expected + + +

What I say means what I want it to mean
The Ayatollah Bunchacommies says shooting down of the Ukrainian airliner was ‘unforgiveable' whilst denying being responsible. Then he admitted he dunnit. Is he going to be binned as just another hypocritical liar? We are talking about Iran, though.

reader comment“No surprise that the usual black suspects are playing the racialism card over MHexit; well, 50% of it. [Should be just 25%. Ed.] Any old excuse for the attention-seekers.” D.H.
reader comment“All sorts of guff about Toronto and Ontario but not a single mention of the Argonauts, who won the Grey Cup 2 years ago. And all very pointless as the unRoyal couple are/were way out west in British Columbia, home of the BC Lions, who now have the peerless Mike Riley on their roster.” W.I.
reader comment“The FA and Prince Hairy selling their souls? Who will be next?” P.B.

If it walks like a duck . . .
Counter-terrorism police in the south-east of England have the Xtinction exhibitionists on their list of terrorist organizations. Nice to know someone, somewhere in the nation's police farces retains a hint of common sense.

Eyes off the ball
You have to wonder how maximum the security is @ Whitemoor max security prison @ Milton Keynes if the Islamist tendency can make fake suicide vests and improvise knives for attacking the screws.

Everyone to have parity with Gary bloody Lineker?
The BBC is in deep trouble after an employment tribunal ruled that talent and aptitude count for nothing and everyone working on one of its shows has to have equal pay regardless of experience, ability and the contribution made.

bulletQ: What does it take to get shot of a member of a toothless police service watchdog outfit which specializes in sitting on its hands?
bulletA: An affair with a junior officer will do nicely.

Far Queue symbol Liverpool is to indulge in an orgy of slave shame by wasting a ton of taxpayers' cash on an abundance of plaques—if the boo-hoo buggers get their way.

bulletQ: What do you do if no one backs your Labour leadership bid?
bulletA: Playing the race card is now the last resort of the scoundrel. [See the 50% comment above. Ed.]

More bloody tokenism
Oh, crumbs! The NFL put a token woman in the officiating crew for the Vikings @ the 49ers yesterday. Place your bets on when there's a token female ref. Or some bloke who identifies as female?

Brave New World? Wonderful!
The restaurant of the future will have sets of robotic arms, which will be able to prepare basic recipes; or fancy ones if they involve just mixing stuff in given ratios. They are expected to be popular with veganists as no humans are involved in the production process.

All that get up and go; has it all got up and went?
Is the Age of Inventions over? Look around, and there is nothing brand new on offer. Everything is just a development of concepts which were brought into existence many decades or centuries ago. Transportation, communications, agriculture, politics, everything. Nothing novel anywhere.

Divisional Delights
That was a dominant performance by the 49ers over the Vikings on Divisional Saturday. They are definitely favourites for the Super Bowl after that 10-27 win. The visiting Titans did the same job on the Ravens in Baltimore, crushing the home team 28-12.
    14-0 up in KC on Sunday, the Texans on speed made it look like the match was all over after the first quarter. But suddenly, the Chiefs stopped making mistakes and the Texans started making them. From 24 points up, the Texans went in trailing at half time. Things didn't get better in Q3. 82 combined points at the end with the Chiefs 20 ahead at 31-51. Follow that with a juggler!
    Finally, in Green Bay, home of the winners of the first two Super Bowls, the Packers led from start to finish in a 23-28 win over the Seaweeds. They even took their foot off the throttle in the 4th quarter to let the Weeds think they might have a chance of winning. Naughty!

bullet + + + Volcano on Philippine island erupts + + + Gorbal warming blamed + + + Wot else is new? + + +
reader comment“Further proof that living next to an active volcano which does explosive eruptions is not a good idea for the long term. And further proof that lotz of people refuse to plan ahead.” R.W.

bullet + + + Romiley braced for 90 mph storm + + + It's a bit breezy today and bloody chilly, but surviveable + + + That bloody gorbal warming! + + +

bullet Don't plan to go anywhere in France except on foot. The transport strike is now in its 40th day!

Back-up for lazy buggers
The Xperts have concluded that French and German shirkers malinger 4.7 times more than British shirkers when it comes to bogus sickies. The Germans even have a website to provide them with sick notes, for a suitable fee, without bothering to visit a doctor. And the service is proving so successful that it is being expanded to France.

bullet The BBC has pledged to relocate 2 to 3 jobs outside London by 2050.

Detalenting in action
If the Blob gets its way, children will leave school unable to make notes with a pen or pencil on paper. Everything has to be paperless in the Blobworld and iPadded in the future.
    There is nothing better for taking notes than a Bic and a small notepad. No batteries, no switching on and off, no messing about. Just write the notes on the spur of the moment when everything is fresh in your mind. Not something that should be at the mercy of the clods of the Blob.

Far Queue symbol All the Labour leadership wannabes are promising jam tomorrow, jam the day after and lots of jam forever—if they become PM. In other words, bugger all actually.

reader comment“Ex-princess Mhegan is in real trouble if people are now comparing her to Yoko OhNo!” R.W.

cross symbol Women reckon they are still not being awarded enough top jobs in Britain and they are demanding that these jobs be awarded in future based on a female 51% quota rather than talents.

bullet The British Heart Foundation reckons that air pollution, including soot particles, will kill lots of thousands of British people over the next decade. And most of the population of southern Australia?

cross symbol The Xperts are claiming that the oceans are a massive 0.075 deg.C warmer now than they were in the 3 decades between 1970 and 2000, and that has destroyed buckets of marine life and killed 100 million cod.
    But any species which suffer significant Xtinction due to such a piddling change in their environmental conditions are clearly badly designed and destined for Xtinction to make room for something which is more adaptable.
    It's called natural selection. It's not new. Or surprising.

Burn TestNew Export Regulations
All national flags exported to the Middle East must be able to pass a standard burn test to ensure that they will go up in smoke promptly when ignited by a foreign nutter.
reader comment“When you think about it, a major cause of rising carbon dioxide levels in the atmosphere has to be all those bloody wogs burning the flags of all nations every two seconds. Have the Xperts ever considered doing something about that?” E.C.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

 WEEK 3 

Cream curdling
Europe is braced for a fresh influx of refugees as Iran's household names (in Iran, that is) defect to show their disapproval of the lies told by the Ayatollah Bunchacommies and his waxworks over the mass murder of 176 more people on a Ukrainian airliner.

A state of impending calamity sounds just right to describe the area around the volcano Taal in Batangas province of the Philippines, given that it is one which gets very seriously explosive from time to time.

A brilliant idea
Foreign aid could be used to fix the care of the elderly crisis? How? By proclaiming that we need to sort out our own problems before we can be convincing about telling the rest of the world what it should be doing. Simple and sneaky.
reader comment“A good start would be to make it illegal for care homes operators to discriminate against private customers by charging them 40% more than those 'funded' by local councils.” B.L.

Far Queue symbol Arch Bremoaner K. Clarke is begging for a peerage, we are led to believe. Let us hope President Boris just ignores him. It's time for Kenny to slide off the gravy train and crawl into a hole and shut up.

reader comment“Grace Kelly had a glittering career before she became queen of Monaco. There's no way ex-princess Mhegan can say the same.” S.N.

Unreliable witness
The Chinese firm WhaWey The Lads sez it is totally nothing to do with the Chinese government and should be allowed to install spyware in the UK's 5G phone network. But they would, wouldn't they?

Far Queue symbol The official Register of Disgraceful Sods is acquiring a whole new page of entries—all those racialists who are claiming that ex-princess Mhegan left the UK because of racialism against the 50% of her which isn't WASP and ignoring the impending court case, which could prove highly embarrassing for the princess who didn't think her dad's heart attack was a good enough excuse for being excused from her wedding.
reader comment“Future Charlie's Angels star Princess Kate is showing great wisdom by staying a million miles away from the Hairy & Mhegan circus.” P.A.

Far Queue symbol HM Inspectorate of Probation has concluded that its waxworks are much too gullible and much too easily taken in by plausible criminals. Whether anything will be done about this remains doubtful.

bulletQ: If you're a paramedic and you're drunk and you want to get home, what do you do?
bulletA: Make a hoax 999 call and steal an ambulance works. But it will cost you your job when the cops catch up with you!

Far Queue symbol Bollocks to Berko is a hypocrite who wasted £14,000 of taxpayers' cash on junkets during the final year of his illegitimate reign as Commons Squeaker, an audit has found. No surprise there.

bullet The Nation's Official Nanny is pleased to announce that a world record 2% of the packed lunches which children take to school are healthy, and congratulates the nation on this continuing success story.

Heid, thick
President Boris has told president wannabe Wee Burney Sturgeon that the Scots have had their IndyRef For A Generation and she's not getting another one. Clearly, Burney is a product of the disastrous SNP education regime in Scotland if she can't grasp that 'for a generation' bit.
reader comment“President Boris could give Burney her referendum subject to two non-negotiable conditions: 1. The SNP pays for every last scrap of it, not the taxpayer, and 2. Burney quits if the result is the same as from the last one and gets herself to a nunnery.
    “Problem solved.” A.S.

Revenge of the Bremoaner waxworks
When it comes to cowboy builders, the private sector has no chance against the waxworks of the public sector. Half a million bloody quid for getting Big Ben ready to do a couple of bongs on Brexit Day? They're having a giraffe.

Today's Big Questions: Would YOU buy a Trojan Horse from WahWey The Lads? And are you happy for President Boris to buy one?

Getting your own back
The smoke from Australia's bush fires is now busy circling the globe after choking tennis players @ a tournament in Melbourne. It is now deflecting sunlight and casting a cooling shadow over the allegedly overheated planet.
   The cloud will return to Australia after doing its lap of honour of the Earth, but sadly far too late to be of any help in this year's bush fire season.

Far Queue symbol Anyone hoping to drive around a major German city on Friday or Saturday of this week should forget it. The streets will be full of tractors as German farmers imitate their French counterparts and throw a major wobbly over how EU agricultural subsidies are distributed.

Sour grapes of wrath
The boo-hoo buggers are having a go at LNER for selling Lincolnshire recipe sausages made by a firm in Yorkshire on its trains. An application for protected status for the recipe was rejected in 2012, but the message doesn't seem to have got through to boo-hoo land. But when there's outrage to be confected . . .
    Here in Romiley, we can buy Cumberland sausages made by a local butcher and no one expects them to have been made in the Lake District.
reader comment“Same story on the Welsh Dragon sausages.” R.W.

The man for the job
It seems appropriate that Manchester's cosmetic mayor, who was in charge of the NHS when patients were dying of neglect at Stafford Hospital, is now in charge of Greater Manchester Police, which lets Asian abusers have their way with white teenage girls to avoid the possibility of accusations of rachel bias.

Heads you lose, same with tails
High tides were flooding Venice at the end of last year. Now, a succession of low tides has left the unfragrant canal system just mucky mud-pools, proving that anyone who relies on The Planet to do their water management for them is a big twit.

Sanskrit swastikasFar Queue symbol A Trivial Democrap peer is claiming that triumphalization over Brexit will lead to Nuremberg-style rallies @ suitable national venues and the adoption of the swastika as our new national emblem. Which only goes to confirm that there's no intelligence test prior to entry to the House of Frauds.

Dictators do what they bloody well want
No surprise that Vlad the Putin is shifting the goal posts of the Russian constitution to allow himself to become the Supreme Leader for Life, like Comrade Stalin or the Ayatollah Bunchacommies. No surprise that the cosmetic Russian PM and all of his waxworks have resigned to leave Putin's personal stooges in charge with a free hand.
    Having swapped regularly between the jobs of president and prime minister to stay at the top of the heap, his Vladness plans to make both offices irrelevant as part of his plan to bring democracy to Putinstan. He will be The Big Crime Boss in charge and everyone who wants to stay on the gravy train will do whatever he tells them to do.
    "Democracy, but not as we know it, Jim."

bullet The targets for the NHS on waiting times and so on are to be overhauled as they are leaving too many members of staff feeling unappreciated after a good but undocumented outcome for a patient.

Circulate, circulate, circulate
The Fire Service is to have a shake up of its personnel with people being moved around a lot in future instead of staying put for extended periods of time. The Xperts have decided that letting a group work together over a long period of time is encouraging entrenchment of old attitudes and promotes a toxic bullying culture against members of the service who do not identify as male. Knowing who you can rely on and who you can't evidently counts for nothing.

More cooking of the bux or Tell ’em anything, sod the boring truth
The twenty teens were the hottest decade the world has ever experienced? Wow! That is SO amazingly impressive. Except . . .
    The 'record' is based on the last 170 years and the record keeping was started as we were emerging from a mini-Ice Age. And The Earth has been around for 4,500,000,000 years. Which leaves 4,499,999,830 years unaccounted for. And also 5,330 years of human civilization.
   Not so bloody impressive.

cross symbol The Notional Truss is complaining that insect pests are eating the nation's treasures as a result of gorbal warming. But maybe the problem is due to central heating and warmer interior environments rather than a lack of freezing cold winters. And a failure to take the proper preventive measures against known pests.

Into the wilds
The Conservative party is thinking of setting up an outpost in the Northern Poorhouse territory to engage with former Labour voters who found themselves unable to swallow O.J. Corbynski's communist manifesto.
    Letting dedicated local Tories be in charge and leaving the parachutes packed would be a good idea.

Today’s Scumbag
Far Queue symbol Call from 01984521614. Computer generated voice, claiming to be VISA Security calling about a £599 payment on my card, didn't press '1' to hear the scam.

Miserable gits, no great loss
No Bongs for Brexit from Big Ben @ a cost of half a bloody million quid. President Boris will be burning a few Bremoaner obstructors at the stake on Parliament Hill instead at the end of the month, accompanied by a really impressive light show.

Rules for the future
Everybody will have to wear a spy (a.k.a. smart) watch, which will report sleep and heartbeat data to the nation's health Xperts so that they can spot a coming flu epidemic 3 weeks before it happens.

bullet President Boris has included his GF, Carrie, on the official list of ministers' interests. What a weird bunch politicians are!

reader comment“There is too little 'grim but bear it' around in this Snoflake world. They wouldn't have lasted 2 seconds in World War II. Mind you, German Snoflakes would never have started a world war, so maybe it doesn't really matter.” A.R.P.

bullet + + + Hairy & Mhegan trigger mass redundancies @ Frogpool Cottage + + + Only skeletons remain on staff + + +

reader comment“Does Britain have a problem with racialism? The actual problem is more one of outrage confected by non-white people seeking special privileges.” B.T.

bulletQ: Do we care if the wicked, scheming ex-princess Mhegan wants to drag Prince Hairy and Princeling Archie off to the Americas?
bulletA: Aaaaah, nope!

Is there a least worst?
Far Queue symbol Sir Keefy Stupour vs Bucket Long-Bottom vs some cheery total unknown for the Labour leadership? Hmmm! Tough choice.

Having cake and eating
The online betting tycoons are creating zillions of gambling addicts on the one hand, and grabbing zillions of pounds of taxpayers' money with the other for providing counselling services to the addicts they've created. A truly wonderful circular business plan.

bullet The railway companies are almost half-way to their target of creating a network of unstaffed stations, and just 10% now have a complete full-time staff.

Definitely not supposed to win
The bush-fired areas of South Australia are now suffering from the effects of heavy rain and being washed away by floods. And Melbin and other parts of Victoria state have been battered by golf ball size hail. All of the above confirms that they are not terribly sensible places to live.
    Blame The People, not The Planet.

It’s the thought, not the deed
Let us be clear about this—Glasgow is not going to become carbon neutral by 2030; the citizens can't bloody afford to. But the council, behaving like typical bloody politicians, is pretending that this ambition could actually happen; mainly because it will be hosting a global warming fraudster international jamboree; even though it won't.
    The council is also contributing to gorbal warming with the heat generated by a lot of pointless virtue flag waving.
reader comment“Same with London, where old Sadgeek is making the same noises.” R.O.

Far Queue symbol Restaurants are turning their back on the veganist fad as there is no money in it. Plants and vegetables are cheap and the real money is to be made from exotic meat and fish dishes.

Just losers
MHexit is largely being fuelled by the Bremoaner cause, according to the Xperts. They lost the argument on Brexit, they're not happy, and they need another cause to bitch about and provide 'justification' for false accusations.
reader comment“Wars, like elections and referendums, are often lost by one side rather than won by the other. Which leaves open the interesting opportunity for apologists for the Narzis to claim under Corbynski rules that—with regard to WW II—the Narzis won the argument.” H.T.S.

zombie humbugNot too impressed
A gardener has found a painting stolen from an Italian art gallery 23 years ago. It was stashed on the premises by the thieves and either abandoned or they were exterminated before they could reclaim it.
    Portrait of a Lady by Gustav Klimt is described as a 'masterpiece'. But is it? It is probably a fair likeness of the lady who sat for the portrait, and an its okayish picture. But calling it a masterpiece is devaluing that description. Irrespective of the fact that some sucker with more money than sense would part with $70 million for it.

bullet Apparently, the Punk Creed is that you can do anything you want, e.g. make music, without the need for training. Which could be true, but except for the occasional accident, none of the efforts will be any good.

Not even ‘not me, Gov’
Coppers who make a bog of an investigation and let a serial killer kill people have an infallible way of getting off scot free from a misconduct investigation. They just clam up, refuse to answer questions and wait to get a clean bill of health from the toothless watchdog.
bullet No doubt the watchdogs will use the same tactic when they are hauled before Parliament to be quizzed by MPs about their failures.

Today’s Scam
Far Queue symbol Call from 01984524455. "Thank you for the payment of . . . five nine nine". Computer generated voice, claiming to be VISA Security. Again. Last 4 digits of the number different from last time.

bulletQ: What is an alarming level of microplastic particles in the ocean?
bulletA: The ladies of the eXXpedition voyage were alarmed by finding 70 microparticles in a trawl of unspecified size towed for about 1 mile.

reader comment“Being president of the USA must be a nice BIG earner if the O'Bummers can rake in $260 million/year!” S.W.
reader comment“What can an ineffectual ex-president do that's worth even a tiny fraction of all that dosh? Or does he have connections, like Vlad the Putin?” H.C.

bulletQ: How do you get to be crowned the cheapest UK supermarket of 2019?
bulletA: Exclude the supermarkets that offer goods even cheaper, viz. Aldi and Lidl, from the competition.

bulletQ: What is a good way to make high streets shrivel up and die?
bulletA: Make them inaccessible to private cars and their owners.

A dish best served bi-daily
If you are failing to inflict 4 acts of revenge per week on your tormentors, you are failing to be an average Brit, the Xperts reckon. But as these Xperts are promoting a high-kill-count film, they are not to be taken at all seriously.

C21 tactics for luvvies
If you've shot yourself in the foot and everyone is laughing @ you, throw a mega-wobbly and pretend to be a victim. Of racialism, sexism, botulism; don't matter what.

New Words For C21
Hookertitute has been proposed for the MeeTooers who shagged the studio boss and everyone else with juice to achieve star status. There is also an alternative based on the good old American word "huckster"—Hookstar, which is rather less cumbersome.

He's smarter than that
President Trump doesn't understand why he's facing impeachment? Nonsense. Like everyone else, he knows that the Democraps lost the last presidential election and, like the Bremoaners in Britains, they can't accept it and move on. And even worse, Mr. Trump had the temerity to take an interest in the Biden family's activities in Ukraine and wonder what was behind awarding a top job to a son with no qualification other than having a top Democrap as his dad.

It’s getting serious now
Everyone seemed to expect the Chiefs to win their conference final against the Titans. And after a slow start, they're on their way to a third Super Bowl and probably heartily sick of being reminded that it's 50 years since they last played in one.
    In San Francisco, where a cheapskate barber shop trio did the anthem, the 49ers were the firm favourites, and proceeded to show why they had that status by going in at half-time 0-27 up with the Packers just making up the numbers and lucky to have nil. The visitors did manage 3 touchdowns in the second half but it was way too little far too late.
    Now, its the Chiefs vs the 49ers in Miami for the Super Bowl in a fortnight and, no doubt, the 9ers are fed up with being reminded how long it is since they last won one.
[1995, although they did get there in 2013 but lost to the Ravens. Ed.]

half-woke jeansI used to be indecisive but now I’m not so sure
Half-woke, half worn-out jeans are the current fashion statement. Ideal for the girl who just can't make her mind up.

bulletQ: Is the country coming to a dead stop without Prince Hairy and Mhegan?
bulletA: Aaah, nope.

Vested interest
MPs are trying to find out who is the secret owner of the on-line betting giant which grooms giant losers. Why? So they can offer their services in return for a suitable emolument?

bullet + + + President TRUMP tonks GREENHOUSE GROTTER in Davros, Swiss mountain retreat of the head DALEK + + +

Far Queue symbol The Xtinction mob are agitating for Russian communist style show trials for people they want to fit up for damaging the climate. No doubt the mandatory conviction and death sentence will be followed by a Chinese communist style bullet in the back of the head (paid for by the deceased’s family, of course).

bullet Enterprising lot, these Royals, if one of the Queen's grandsons is advertising milk for the Chinese market.

Nothing resembling value for money
H2S should have been built in 2010, when the cost was £16 BILLION. The way things are bloating, if it ever does get built, the cost of this vanity project will be around £160 BILLION in 2040 at the current rate of inflation and progress.

 WEEK 4 

Far Queue symbol Bollocks to Berko is having to crawl to O.J. Corbynski for a peerage, and so is the appalling T. Nonce Finder Watson, who was discarded by the Corbynnies.
reader comment“If Watson & Berko do get their vermin collars, the people should have the right to choose their titles—Lord Perversion of the Course of Justice and Lord Bollocks of Brexit respectively.” R.W.

Xtinction trolling ahead from this one!
The Xperts have concluded that a majority of people would sacrifice one fat bloke to preserve the lives of 5 other people. Or sacrifice one human life to save 5 others if no size is specified. Which is bad for The Planet.
    The Earth is being driven to Xtinction by too many people, we are invited to believe, which makes the moral choice Xterminating the maximum number of people to save a minimum number of wreckers. Expecially if the 5 for the chop are Xtinctionists!

No surprise there
The Xperts have found that the people Up North who voted Tory at the last election rather than Labour did so out of naked self-interest. They wanted to better their lot and they knew it would never happen under a clueless Corbidiot Labour government. In other words, the usual reason, namely that a period Labour government always ends in disaster and always requires the Tories to put things right again.

bulletQ: Where is the best place to go to get your car bombarded by large, solid vegetables?
bulletA: Devon is the current favourite.

The BBC would have us believe that Brexit is something to do with the start of a new decade. Which is cobblers. It should have happened last year and everyone with half a brain knows that.

bulletQ: How valid is a survey claiming that the poor in modern society are less healthy than the poor of a century ago?
bulletA: As the result is based on self-assessment by whingers rather than actual objective measurements, not very.

reader comment“We must keep gorbal warming below 2¢ this century. This from Xperts one generation on from the Xperts who were assuring us that we were heading into a new Ice Age in the last quarter of C20.” A.P.

cross symbol If you come across a small gang of foreign-looking plumbers with diplomatic passports, they are Russian spies on a bugging mission for the Putinocracy. Dalek Security, it has been announced, was more than a match for the gang which tried to bug Davros before the megaconference at his Swiss alpine retreat.

bullet China has found something else to gift to the world—a new strain of the corona virus. It is lethal and there is no cure. It could already be here and the death rate is predicted to be 2%—the same as for the flu strain first identified in Spain in 1918, which killed millions around the world.

Winning is SO uncool
In a Like-A-Loser poll of Labour party members, O.J. Corbynski came top, just ahead of Edstone Milipede. Predictably, the only election winner for 50 years, Tony B. Liar, came dead last.

Should the House of Frauds be slimmed down to a group of PortaCabins parked somewhere near the main railway station in York? 7 out of 10 voters think this would be an excellent idea.

Issues for C21
We keep being assured that rocket science if difficult to understand. But when you get right down to it, how complicated are the concepts of 'blue touch paper' and 'light'?

Far Queue symbol The president of the Normandy region of France wants to build a DisneyWorld style D-Day Land in the area in time for the 80th anniversary of the wartime landings in 2024. The attraction will have mock battles, blood 'n' guts and explosions.
    Good taste has clearly never been a problem for M. Moron.

Immobile for a reason
Some local councils are 'staffing' their roadworks with cardboard cutouts in high-viz overalls on not-work days in an attempt to fool motorists into thinking something is actually being done @ the road obstruction. Essex county council is particularly good at this.

bullet The Xperts @ the World Health Authority have finally twigged that e-cigarettes are dangerous because they expose users to addictive and harmful chemicals. Took the buggers long enough.

No thanks
Knife crime and robbery rates are up but the number of charges for these crimes is in a slump. As usual, the customers are getting the blame.
    The police say victims of crime are not co-operating with them because they think all that will happen is that they will be messed about, their time will be wasted and no one will be busted for the crime.

Back to the drawing board
bulletQ: How do you stop the Washington Post from publishing embarrassing truth about your Middle East regime's misdeeds and crimes?
bulletA: Bugging the phone of the world's richest man, who owns the newspaper, and embarrassing him doesn't seem to have worked.

Don't Help the Aged
Millions of over-75s will struggle to survive if the thieving BBC robs them of their right not to pay for a TV licence. Most now face a stark choice between food, gas, electricity and water, and their TV.
Far Queue symbol Lord Hall, the director general on whose watch this shameful move was made, has sneaked into another sinecure post.

Na-na, naa, naaaa . . .
Canadians are lining up in their millions to sign a petition against paying the mega-million pound protection bill for Prince Hairy and his tribe.
    Maybe they will have better luck in L.A.

zombie XtinctionistWe don't care!
Prince Chazzer added 6 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere by flying to Davros, Swiss retreat of the head Dalek, to meet Greenhouse Grotter, who travelled there on her push-bike, if the greenwash propaganda can be believed. More billions of tonnes will be released as the prince junkets on to the Middle East.
bullet As part of his mission to save The Planet, Prince Chuck recycled his 2009 doomcast for the heads of all nations gathered at the Davros retreat. He clearly expected everyone to be too polite to mention that The Planet did not slip over the cliff edge, which he predicted that it would encounter shortly after Xmas of 2017.

zombie humbugNo money left in football?
Starving Liverpool FC players are being forced to chew their shirts to ease hunger pangs — for the full story with further distressing pictures, see pages 18-36 inside.

cross symbol Someone suggested that BFN should have a greenwash statement "down there" below the line. But we decided that such things are now beyond parody. Likewise, a slaverywash statement about modern slavery.

By 2050, the amount of plastic in The Planet's oceans will outweigh the fish, the Xperts reckon. And by 2093, there will be no room for fish thanks to all the plastic.

cross symbol Oh, dear! The Church of England has upset the Algae Boutique big time with its decision that sex is only for married couples and civil partnerships don't qualify. Someone needs to mention to the bishops that they are supposed to promote peace and harmony, not provide excuses for outrage confection.

Not Wanted on Voyage
Berko the bully has tried to bully President Boris into awarding him an undeserved peerage. He is unlikely to impress our president with his conduct, and he remains reliant on O.J. Corbynski to nominate him, and the HoL Appointments Committee to ignore the multitude of complaints made about the Berk's conduct over the last decade.

bullet + + + Small earthquake (R 2.8) hits Hartlepool, Middlesborough & Stockton-on-Tees + + + No one dead + + +

cross symbol People have been moving to the Lake District for centuries and then complaining about other people doing it. There are cycles of the vehemence of the complaints; somewhat like sunspot cycles!
    We are currently at a maximum and awash with complaints that too many pairs of feet and off-road vehicles are flattening the area into a Norfolk clone. "Give us lots of dosh!" is the cry from the region's administrators. Presumably, for snipers and tank traps?

Maximum Bandwidth Spyware is here!!
reader comment“I wonder how many Bezos Caterpillar shots Bollocks to Berko has on his pocket phone? The world should be told.” A.E.
reader comment“If he has greased up to Prince Mohammad, which seems more than likely given his track record, and he tries to bully the prince, which the Berk doesn't seem able to resist, the world will be told!” R.W.

bullet An international team of astronauts has completed work on a multi-million dollar project to determine the optimum baking conditions for manufacturing chocolate chip cookies in zero gravity. The world responds with global appreciation!

You end up just as dead
Global warming is off the hook as the way global annihilation will occur, the Doomsday Xperts reckon. It has been overtaken by the threat of a nuclear war started by Iran and Putinstan.

Far Queue symbol The National Audit Office has revealed that H2S is out of control and the waxworks on its gravy train have no idea how much it will cost but they don't want it cancelled as they are making billions out of it.

A man of his word?
O.J. Corbynski has been accused of playing the Putin by trying to pack Labour's National Executive Committee with stooges to get his mini-me continuity candidate elected as the next leader. Natch, he promised to keep his nose out of the succession battle, but what's a politician's promise worth?

Eyes on you!
The Metropolitan police are planning to deploy cameras feeding facial recognition software across the capital to make life difficult for persistent and wanted criminals, and to look for missing or vulnerable people. Predictably, the apologists for criminals are trying to play the 'uman bluddy rights card.
    The good news is that if they can be convinced that police interference with privacy rights is proportional, judges will side against the apologists. The bad news is that judges are notoriously fickle where the rights of the majority are concerned.

The benefits of totalitarianism
It's the Chinese New Year but the government there is building a 1,000-bed hospital from scratch at Wuhan, and doing it in 10 days. The government has marshalled an army of diggers to level a site for 20 prefabricated units, which will house the victims of the new strain of corona virus. The virus is believed to have evolved in the unregulated bush tucker market in Wuhan, where everything that runs, hops, squeaks and swims is on sale.

reader comment“It's not so much sad as obligatory for sacked politicians to become delusional. Ed 'No Balls Please', for instance, thinks that he became popular when he was evicted from Parliament. Yeah, right!” J.C.

Greenland LOVES global warming!
A bloke who found a message in a bottle which had been left on a melting ice flow raised a grant to go to Greenland to make a documentary about the environment there being destroyed by climate change.
    Imagine his chagrin when he found that the Greenlanders are quite happy to have things warmer. With no sea ice in the way, they can go fishing and make some money. So much for the documentary. Bugger!

Wee BurneybulletQ: What do you get if you arrest a man you know isn't the bloke for whom you have an arrest warrant, haul him in to court and get him remanded in prison; then cover up what you've done?
bulletA: If you're 5 coppers of Police Scotland, away with it with the assistance of the Crown (can't prosecute) Office, even though Police Scotland had to issue a grovelling apology and cough up a six-figure sum of taxpayers' cash in compensation to their victim.

What's SHE doing about it? —>

bulletQ: How do you get away with paying £110K in UK taxes on sales of £419 MILLION?
bulletA: Be Ferrero Rocher.

cross symbol PLASTIC is not the problem.

bullet Bank customers in Arbroath are having trouble using an ATM which is placed 5 feet off the ground. Shame that platform shoes went out of fashion!

Nothing is what needs to be done
Wee Burney Sturgeon has been warned that The People will not stand for her throwing taxpayers' money at lawyers over President Boris opting not to endorse yet another independence referendum less than a generation after the last one.
    Her alternative is to get civil servants to waste time and money on wibble instead of addressing Scotland's multiple problems of education, transport, the NHS, policing, ect., ect.

Daftness should be taken to extremes
If you can have meatless meatballs, why not make them cubes instead of spheres to complete the absurdity? Why not have 'meatballs' which have as little to do with roundness as they do with meat?

A spot of fun before the big one
The Pro Bowl on the cheap; in Miami instead of Hawaii; was 14-24 in the favour of the AFC at half time.
    It got a bit lively in Q3 with the AFC hitting the NFC quarterback on the way to Mr. Cousins finding Mr. Adams with a TD pass, and then doing 'roughing the conversion' to block the kick attempt. 27-31 instead of 28-31, going in to Q4.
    The final quarter included the shambles of the NFC trying to make 4th & 15 from their 25 instead of trying an on-side kick. They didn't manage it and they finished the match 33-38 down.

Brexit 50p coinbulletQ: How petty can a Bremoaner get?
bulletA: Some of them are claiming that they won't touch this Friday's Brexit 50p coins with the proverbial barge pole.

Far Queue symbol Bollocks to Berko keeps being embarrassed by even more bullying claims. Which only goes to confirm that what went around really does come back to bite the arse of some people who deserve it.

tick symbol Britain's departure from the EU is encouraging some of Switzerland's politicians to think that they, too, might be able to put an end to free movement and impose quotas on who gets to go to their country.
    The crafty sods are playing the gorbal warming card by describing migration as the biggest driver of wasted resources, and therefore the main driver of carbon dioxide emissions. Migration has not benefitted the Swiss and some of them want to stop taking orders from Brussels.

Improper job
The Liberals who were elected to be MEPs in last year's pointless Euro elections are upset that they're not getting a pension after just 8 months in the job, which they knew all along was cosmetic and temporary.
   Grabbing buggers!

Major victory
The Conservative Maastricht rebels, who didn't approve of the donation of sovereignty made to the EbloodyU in 1992, will be having their own celebration on Brexit Day. Took them 27 years to do it but they won the argument in the end.

cross symbol The NHS is being investigated after being infiltrated by a natural birth cult, which believes that childbirth should be unassisted with artificial means and painful, and that customers should be denied pain relief.

tick symbol The Daily Mail and President Boris have declared war on litter. Let us hope that President Boris extends the campaign to include serious penalties for litter louts, and the same for jobsworths who try to issue fixed penalty tickets for non-littering in order to put money in their own pockets.

Totally lost cause
Northern Rail, which is about to lose its franchise, is run by Aviva, which is run by Deutsche Bahn. If the Germans can't make a go of running the franchise, what hope do a bunch of civil service waxworks have?

bulletQ: How much is an Oscar going to be worth if it is based on diversity quotas rather than an outstanding acting performance?
bulletA: A busted flush.

reader comment“Does Bollocks to Berko realize that his shameless lobbying for a peerage from any source; even O.J. Corbynski; is putting in danger his place in the Guinness Book of Records as the only Commons Squeaker in 230 years not to get one as of right?” R.W.

Brexit 50p coinMore fodder for the Far Queue
Another class of whingers is complaining that the Brexit 50p doesn't have an Oxford comma after 'prosperity', and they won't use it because it doesn't comply with their version of English grammar.
    As this is a version which is wrong anywhere else; no comma is needed after the word just before 'and'; should any of these whingers ever come to Romiley, we will feel fully entitled to tar and feather them and run them out of town on a rail in the approved fashion.

reader comment“That Irish Teashop is a really arrogant wee scunner, telling us we're just an unimportant little country now we're leaving the EbloodyU. Makes me glad my New Year Resolution was not to buy anything Irish.” J.R.

 WEEK 5 

Is it national sucker day?
The first nuisance call was from 01723 352 878—a computer generated voice announcing that a non-existent Amazon Prime contract would be cancelled unless the sucker pressed '1'.
    Later that same morning, there was another nuisance call from the improbably long 001441984520485 doing the VISA scam for ". . . five . . nine . . nine" and providing another opportunity not to press '1' to talk to some bloody scammer.

bullet DEPARTURES The essential Nicholas Parsons, 96, yesterday. [January 28th, Ed.] He had an amazingly long acting career from films to television to his big success in Sale of the Century and over 50 years (!) as chairman of Just A Minute on the wireless. There are even a few old bodies left around who remember when he was the straight man to Arthur Haynes, whose trade mark was to call everyone 'mate'.
    Mr. Parsons, the actor, was as irreplaceable as Kenneth Williams.

tick symbol Corporate manslaughter charges against the waxworks of Highways England over the 38 deaths on their not-so-bloody-smart motorways over the last 5 years? Sounds like something which should definitely happen.

Unexpected outcome
Apparently, the cladding on Grenfell Tower, applied to prevent global warming, was supposed to fall off if it was ever ignited by flames coming from inside the building, and the disaster was caused by this not happening.

bulletQ: What does the appalling Jo Brand get when, on the BBC, she recommends throwing acid at someone?
bulletA: Away with it because that's the sort of appalling thing her audience Xpects of her.

Maybe he has a good reason
A self-important FBI's mouthpiece was asking why Prince Andrew won't talk to them. Maybe he doesn't want to end up with his neck broken in three places like the late Mr. Epstein.
reader comment“One does get the impression that prosecutors see cases like this as a way to make themselves into public figures on the way to a better career, usually in politics, than in pursuit of an account of what actually happened.” R.W.
Surprise! Prince Andrew sez the FBI's stooges have been too busy grandstanding to make an appointment to talk to him!

tick symbol That was a great suggestion by Little John of the Daily Mail—sending Greenhouse Grotter out to sea on her ecoyacht to pick bits of plastic out of the oceans and save the world from climate change.

bulletQ: Which is more remarkable—that The Goodies are still pals enough to do a 50th anniversary show at a comedy festival in Bristol or that all three of them are still alive?
bulletA: Take your pick.

Wine tomorrow but maybe not the same as today’s
Some species of grape will not be able to handle gorbal warming, some will, the Xperts reckon. And to think people actually get paid for coming up with this and similar statements of the bleedin' obvious!
reader comment“If all this is going to happen after 2050, the wine trade has more than enough time to create varieties able to survive the weather being 2¢ hotter.” P.L.
reader comment“If the wine-breeders fail, the growers can always put huge polytunnels over their vineyards and cool the interior with the exhaust from wind farms.” T.H.
reader comment“The enterprising wine-growers will cope but the lazy ones will probably just go broke and yell for compenbloodysation.” R.W.

cross symbol Travel reduced in China due to the corona virus lock-down, oil prices down, petrol pump prices falling? Joke! Fuel company pockets even bulgier.

bulletQ: Why are there so many helicopter crashes/tragedies?
bulletA: Because helicopter pilots can get themselves into irretrievable situations, through negligence or sheer bad luck, a lot more easily than pilots of fixed-wing aircraft.

More Xtinction garbage
A glacier 'the size of Britain' is hanging off western Antarctica and being melted by the warmer sea. If it collapses, the Xperts reckon it will raise sea levels by a foot and a half; but calling it the 'Doomsday Glacier' is just self-indulgent, victimhood wibble.
    Glaciers flow down to the sea; it's what they do. Glaciers melt; something else that they do. Fraudsters claim they can change this; it's what they do.

bulletQ: Six BILLION bloody quid to fix the botched smart motorway 'upgrades'? Will heads roll at the Department of Transport and Highways England?
bulletA: You're having a giraffe.

Far Queue symbol The BBC's DG has realized that his minions don't have an entitlement to be rude to politicians, especially Tories. You can tell this DG is in the process of being defenestrated if he's got his eyes open all of a sudden.

Brexit 50p coinreader comment“Are we going to shoot some Roman candles in O.J. Corbynski's direction when we celebrate Brexit? After all, it can be argued that he helped to deliver it by being so crap as an alternative to the Conservatives that we ended up with a government capable of delivering Brexit after a general election that shot the Bremoaners down in flames.” W.H.
reader comment“We are being urged not to celebrate Brexit noisily to avoid upsetting the Bremoaners. Given that they have spent three years wasting BILLIONs of pounds of taxpayers' money on trying to frustrate the referendum result, the bastards deserve all the upset they get and a bit more.” J.M.

Far Queue symbol A Japanese billionaire who advertised for a female companion to join him on a round the Moon trip on a SpaceX vehicle during or after 2023 has got cold feet. The 27,722 women who offered their services are now accusing him of being the biggest time-waster of all time.

There’s nowt as angry as an ape!
reader comment“If the veteran ITV newsreader A. Stewart is 67, it's about time he slipped gracefully into retirement and let someone else do the autocues. Now that ITV has fired him, he can get into as many rows with the twits on Twatter as he likes without having waxworks peering over his shoulder.” A.F.

Grotter action figureKerching!
Greenhouse Grotter, saucy little madam, is trying to trademark her name to stop anyone else from cashing in on her personal brand of teenage angst. Watch out for the Grotter action figure -->
    No doubt she's keeping half an eye on what Prince Hairy and Mhegan are up to in search of up-market inspiration.

cross symbol The US washing machine manufacturer Whirlpool has added 5,000 more units to its list of 500,000 household appliances with the potential to become a novelty barbeque unexpectedly. The company has no idea where 354,000 of the half million potential time bombs are, which is bad news for fire brigades and insurance companies everywhere.

Oriental logic
The Chinese are adopting a peculiar strategy toward British people caught in their virus zone. Those with British citizenship can leave—except that evacuation aircraft are not being allowed to land in China. People with dual nationality, e.g. wives and children, will not be allowed to leave even if there were transport available. Work that one out!
reader comment“Maybe the Chinese are doing us a favour by not letting people who might have been exposed to the virus to travel to the UK, given the shambolic nature of the international response to this latest gift from the Orient. Self-isolation? Joke!” R.W.
update Some British citizens, along with some non-Brits, have been allowed to fly to Britain to go either into quarantine or back where they came from. Some Brits were unable to get transport to the airport in China and are still stuck there. SNAFU.

reader comment“All the film industry hookstars must be trembling in their boots in anticipation of the blaze of publicity which will follow Harvey Wheensteen's accounts in court of his career enhancement via personal services procedures.” G.P.

Lest we forget
Soviet forces did not arrive in Poland in 1944 to liberate the country. They steamed in to incorporate it into the Greater Soviet Empire—the whole of it as opposed to the part of Poland they claimed when Stalin and Hitler divided the country between their respective Lebensraum spheres of interest.

tick symbol Endorsed by

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, January MM20 like anyone cares