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medical maskHaving a wee cough, or even two weeks off, for CoCO19?
Chance would be a fine thing!

update [That was a bit premature. Ed.]

 WEEK 1 

bulletQ: How do you pronounce Jorge, as in today's storm?
bulletA: We say Jaw-gee. It really annoys the Spanish.

bullet Flood plains overwhelmed by the river Aire's bank-bursting on Leap Year Day. The clue is in the name.

cross symbol Bristol's College Green trampled to a brown muddy mess by schoolkids bunking off. A very fine way to protect The Planet indeed. Meanwhile, Greenhouse Grotter is still silent on a date for taking her 'crusade' to China.

Sporting metaphor gap in negotions with EbloodyU . . .
The EbloodyU is demanding that the proceedings take place on a level playing field but our team is insisting on having open and fair competition.
    Meanwhile, the clock is ticking toward December 31st . . . or June 30th. Also, the French have the hump about setting 'artificial' deadlines. Only ficial deadlines are acceptable to the cheese-eating surrender monkeys?

It's only taxpayers' cash
The Serious Fraud Office blew £15 billion on failing to convict bosses @ Barclays bank of not letting the bank go bust during the Brown Slump of 2008 and become a burden on the taxpayer at a time when all the other top banks were doing just that. Maybe it's the SFO that needs convicting of perversity.

bullet Binned former Chancellor Vajid Javid is claiming he would have cut the basic rate of income tax if he'd been allowed to deliver a Budget. No doubt a few other lost free sweeties for the customers will emerge over the next few weeks.

Far Queue symbol Insurance companies are so worried about savers taking control of their pension pot, which the companies have been abusing with huge admin charges and lousy returns, that the insurers are lobbying the new Chancellor to raise the age for making withdrawals from 55 to 57.

bulletQ: How does a luxury spa get away with a claim that its apple crumble could prevent cancer, cardiovascular disease and diabetes, and also get away with a food hygiene rating of 2 out of 5?
bulletA: With one bound, if it's operating in West Sussex.

bullet 20% of students would have ended up better off if they had not gone to university. So much for Tony B. Liar's 'education, schmeducation' and his aspiration to send 50% of teenagers to university.

Fake news spreads in UK
Has President Boris really been 'stung' into taking charge of CoCO19 preparations? More likely, he is just doing things in his own time and letting the people responsible for managing corona get on with it. In which case, the macho claims of the stingers are just fake news and pathetic efforts to make them look important.
reader comment“Do we really need warnings from Xperts that a serious outbreak of CoCO19 here will affect everyday NHS services. Are we really to thick to work that out for ourselves?” R.W.
reader commentA battle plan to defeat the virus. Who comes up crap like that? It's a disease, not the Evil Empire trying to take over the world. Off to the pillory with himer.” A.P.

bullet The next storm, as long as it isn't Spanish, will be an 'E' following Ddeenniiss and disruption of the normal alphabetic convention—watch out for Storm Embarrassing.

exclamation markBunch of breeders! We are invited to believe by the country's government statistics agency that the population of Egypt has gone up from 59 million in 1996 to 100 million now! And we think we have problems!

bulletQ: Are we going to see boxers wearing CoCO masks in the ring?
bulletA: Sounds an interesting gimmick! One more likely to be adopted by the WW, though.

Escape from Wee Burney's fantasy
First Meenister Sturgeon's committee for pretending that Scotland will be richer and fairer as an independent nation has lost a 'top lawyer' from its membership. He quit on Twatter after branding the whole venture 'useless'.

cross symbol What do primary school kids need, according to SNP MP M. Black? A cabaret from a porn star drag queen operating under the name of Flow Job. Where do they get these people? Even Mad Mandy in the Sunday Post was outraged by the notion.

Life can always get sillier
Greenhouse Grotter, we are invited to believe, has been nominated for 2 Nobel Prizes. [ Physics & Literature? Ed.] The names of the nominees seem to have been kept secret to avoid a visit by the yellow van and the men in white coats.
reader comment“Apparently, it happened at this time last year and then again this year. It is in danger of becoming an annual event by the Looney Left and an attempt to browbeat the Nobel Commission into submission.” W.B.

bulletQ: Is it worth spending a billion bucks on buying the presidency of the United States, as media mogul M. Bloomberg seems to be trying to do?
bulletA: Depends how long he expects to live. If a duck-egg like ex-Pres. O'Bummer can be making $400M/year in his retirement, Bloomberg will have to live at least 3 years beyond one term as president in order to make a profit. He is 78 now, which takes him to 85 or 86. If he spends another billion on a second term, he'll have to survive to 92 or 93 to be back in the black. Which raises the question of whether it is really worth it.
reader comment“Really worth being the Boss of the World for four or eight years? Come on! And he has more than enuff billions not to miss a couple of them.” S.V.

bullet Today's scam call from the crooks doing the bogus Mastercard call 'from your bank' about a £600 payment to 'a foreign country' came from 01432995070

bullet The Forth railway bridge is 130 years old this month and officially iconic.

Global greenwash
In what fantasy world does a project to count the numbers of whales and dolphins in the Atlantic qualify as a scam for reducing the carbon dioxide content of the atmosphere? The spivs think they can get away with anything if it's only taxpayers' money being blown, and the waxworks spending it clearly are not that bovvered about relevance and VFM.

Far Queue symbol 10% of the people who claim to be from the Planet Vegan are lying, the Xperts reckon. And the worst liars are concentrated in the Metropolitan Bubble region of the London area.

Meddlers can be lethal
Tambora is reckoned to have cause global cooling of 0.5 deg.C when the volcano exploded in 1815 and hundreds of thousands of people died as a result. How many millions are the Warmists likely to kill if they make a bog of things and start a cooling trend instead of keeping the world's temperature at the current level?

reader comment“Re corona: is it the rule that you're elderly only if you're in a care home? And if you aren't, no matter how old you are, you're invisible?” B.P.
[Pretty much. Ed.]

cross symbol The jury in the H. Wheensteen trial is striking back against the MeeToo! brigade, which is trying to grab the credit for his conviction (subject to appeal). "It were just us and nowt to do wiv them," say some jurors, who are feeling usurped.

bullet Out of the 3, 4 or even 5 quid paid for a cuppa in a coffee joint, how much goes to the firm which grows the coffee? A massive 1p, the Xperts reckon.

Democrapic choice
Good news for people who buy grub online. What you're eating, no matter what the apparent source is, could have come from a sinister Dark Kitchen.
    What's that? Could be a converted shipping container where the dodgiest of ingredients are thrown together by minimal wage staff with no idea of commercial or personal hygiene standards.
    What's good about that? If you croak of food poisoning, you'll be safe from CoCO19.

exclamation mark + + + Grotter Mobs banned to check spread of CoCO19 + + + Seething Sweed even more outraged at loss of show-off chances + + + Anyone with a smartphone is a potential CoCO19 Spreader!! + + + Panic buying expected to create vast MOUNTAIN of wasted food + + +

bullet Today's Thought: A restaurant called Maxine's? Top drawer. One called Vaccine's? Not so much.

Far Queue symbol The Danes are getting uppity about access to British water for fishing. Maybe it's time to ask them what they've done for us recently.

bullet MPs drink 3x more than normal people, the Xperts have decided. The MPs blame their excesses on pressure brought by constituents, who want them to do things (i.e. the job they're paid for), for driving them to drink which, of course, is heavily subsidized by the taxpayer and abundantly available.

When the truth isn’t self-glorifying enuff, publish the fake
The news meeja are going to persist with their fake news that President Boris was sitting with his feet up, hoping the Chinese Death Plague would just go away of its own accord, until they stirred him into action.
    Yeah, right.

bullet Definition for Today—Marketing Strategy: Make sure all stocks of surgical face masks have been sold before the news gets out that they are useless for preventing the spread of diseases.

bullet It's a boom time for Indian takeaways and British chippies. Chinese joints and Italian pizza joints? Forget it!

Far Queue symbol Democrap Pete the ButtieGeek has realized that no one wants him to be the US president. He's giving it another 30 years before he tries again. [As he's not likely to be a billionaire by then, he'll still have no chance. Ed.]

bullet All beaches everywhere around the world, including Bondi, will disappear as a result of gorbal warming, the Alarmists would have us believe.
bullet Warmists are denying that they brewed up CoCO19 to reduce human generation of carbon dioxide by halting air travel and manufacturing industry.
bullet The teaching industry is denying that it has used the virus panic to create a mass skive of school staff, which might even spare them from having to do any work before the summer holidays come round.
Far Queue symbol Wee Burney is trying to position Scotland as the CoCO19 capital of the UK with a planned infection rate of 80%.
bullet The plague is expected to drive international football in Europe into Xtinction.
bullet The government is considering plans to lock up current and former top bods in the food industry for trying to inflame the country by predicting food riots after everything edible has been panic bought.
bullet It's official! Pocket phone screens are a cafeteria for bacteria and viruses of every sort!
bullet Shock, horror! The Catholic church has warned that its holy water could spread the Chinese Death Plague!
bullet Another shock, horror—banknotes, especially worn paper ones but also especially plastic ones, can carry and retain a deadly virus for several days.

exclamation mark Anyone who smokes and breathes polluted air will get 5 years less benefit from their pension.

We'll let you know, luvvie
The BBC's DG, T. Hall, doing his best game show host impression, claimed he's not going to abandon older viewers (the ones who pay for everything) in an attempt to woo younger viewers (who pay to watch NeatFlicks and everything but the Beeb). The verdict is that his act needs a lot more work.
reader comment“The BBC would be wonderful if not for the regulators, the boss told us. More likely, it would cost twice as much and half as many people would watch the crap turned out by the luvvies.” M.H.

bullet Evil Rumour of the Week: The BBC is behind CoCO19 to reduce the number of over 75s who could be eligible for a free TV licence.

bullet Parrots are cleverer than 23% of 'umans, the Xperts reckon. They are particularly good at betting and picking up hints about what is expected of them from people.

bullet Oh, crap! President Boris just can't win. Journos who were pretending he was taking time off and ignoring the Chinese Death Plague are now bitching that he's doing too much. Fickle, or what!
update + + + Large public events to be on TV only or online to avoid mass gatherings and spread of Chinese Death Plague + + + Teenage Queen of Mean Grotter outraged by loss of chances to pout 'n' posture and be told she's really great + + + Police to avoid contact with criminals to avoid contamination [So what else is new? Ed.] + + + CoCO19 expected to become Skivers' Charter + + + Interest rates to be cut to swindle savers even more? + + + British spiv busted in Morocco trying to smuggle out 100,000 face masks to flog in UK @ 26 quid a pop + + + 6 Billion people to go sick or identify as corona'd? + + +

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Far Queue symbol Self-binned Home Office waxwork P. Rutnam to lose his K for conduct unbecoming a member of the Order of the Bath?

Trafficking ain’t what it used to be
Turkish people-movers are outraged by their president's attempt to shoo 4 million migrants from Syria & Afghanistan westwards to the EbloodyU. In the good old daze, they could charge 2 or 3 hundred bucks for a removal job. Now, they're lucky to get 15 bucks a pop.

tick symbol BMW is selling an electric car with a sound system to make different sorts of brrrm-brrrm noises to tell the driver if the machine is starting, accelerating, coasting, etc. Apparently, the silence gets on the nerves of some sensitive souls.

Point missed by much more than a mile
Film freaks are demanding that the launch of the new Bond film be put back—to the end of the summer, maybe? Clearly, they have not grasped that they won't be rounded up @ gunpoint and marched to a showing at their local picture house, even if they're worried about catching the Chinese Death Plague.
update The launch of the film has been bumped to November and the start of the flu season. The cinema, popcorn and fizzy drinks industries are all now weeping copiously.

Far Queue symbol A paint firm is hoping to increase sales to wokists by changing the girly names of shades of pinque to something more macho like 'stroppy bitch'.

bullet Petty crooks are now doing over charity shops because they know that the cops won't get out of bed for less than a two hundred quid crime these days.

Far Queue symbol The Director of Public Prostitutions is taking an interest in the bosses of The Post Office and their buggy IT provide Fujitsu over the persecution of sub-postmasters to recover imaginary losses invented by their buggy software.

cross symbol Noticing that someone is fat is as unacceptable to luvvidom now as realizing that someone belongs to a different racial grouping, or that the other person is spoilt, tedious and offence-seeking.
reader comment“Being fat is a lifestyle choice, according to the luvvies. It would be interesting to find out how many hugeies would opt to stay fat if the NHS stopped treating type-2 diabetes and other fallouts from something as self-imposed as o'besity.” G.H.

Far Queue symbol Billionaire M. Bloomberg blew half a billion bucks. Then he quit his attempts to buy the Democrapic nomination for the next US presidential election. Easy come, easy go.

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bullet This week, the Xperts reckon that eating eggs as part of a proper diet is okay.
Next week, who knows?

Far Queue symbol The bosses of 4 big drug manufacturing companies are having to resort to their own products after their firms were fined a total of £3.4 MILLION for rigging the prices of anti-depressants.

It’s all to do with who you know
Tony B. Liar to be tried as an accessory to Dubanic kidnapping in 2000? So much for New Labour's allegedly ethical foreign policy. The then Home Sec.; R. Cook, shut down a police investigation into the kidnapping from the UK of a daughter of the Sultan of Dubai by his minions. Cook has been beyond the reach of justice since 2005.

Far Queue symbol It will make bugger all difference to the rate of spread of CoCO19 but MPs would very much like to go on holiday in their constituencies until at least the end of the summer and not be bothered by having to travel to Westmonster.

Finger-rubber time!
Anyone hoping to restock their condominium is going to be out of luck if the fad for wearing johnnies on fingers used to press suspected corona'd lift buttons and work other gadgets, like a plague-ridden pocket phone, takes off.

bullet Another tactic in the plot to achieve a cashless society—trying to frighten us out of using cash for fear that coins and banknotes transmit the corona virus.
reader comment“Shame that pocket phones and plastic cards are also mega-bugzones.” F.B.
reader comment“Which has to complete the argument for playing safe and giving all our cash to the government and living for free on benefits.” R.W.

Far Queue symbol Surprise! MPs are getting a pay rise of double the rate of inflation.

Just say: ‘No, thanks!’
President Boris is facing a mutiny of Tory MPs, who are outraged by his decision to let Chinese firm WahWay the Lads get involved in our communications infrastructure. They don't want Chinese viruses infecting our 5G network. If we ever get one.

bullet + + + Former Home Sec. A. Rudd 'no platformed' by African & Caribbean racialists @ Oxo University + + +

bullet Surprise! President Boris didn't dash to the flood zones at the request of the emergency services, who didn't need the distraction. Not something that bothered O.J. Corbynski.

bullet Like anybody cares, 86% of women hold biased views, according to the UN.

bullet Every failing business that goes bust now, like Flybe, will be blaming CoCO19. Likewise, Rogue Retailers are using it as an excuse to shove prices up, especially on eBay and Amazon.

No Highway
President Boris has gone soft on a road bridge between Scotland and Ireland. Plan B is a tunnel, which would be a lot cheaper and less weather-prone. [And less vulnerable to torpedoes from Russian submarines. Ed.]
    There is also the fall-back position of blaming a failure of the plan on the SNP's refusal to upgrade the access roads to avoid adding to their catalogue of failures in all fields of transport, including trains, ferries and city traffic.

reader comment“The government's genial medical boffin reckons that 600,000 people could croak from CoCO19. Can we make some helpful nominations?” L.L.
reader comment“Worse, he doesn't think MPs should get the months long holiday they're after. Shame!” J.N.

bulletQ: What do you get if you attack the pilot of your airliner in a mad rage?
bulletA: If you're young, female, unruly and a mother, away with it.


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 WEEK 2 

Question time
Someone in one of the newspapers was asking why, if corona is just like flu, are medics wearing hazmat suits?
A) Flu is a known quantity, CoCO19 isn't.
B) Everyone loves to dress up.
                   C) Everyone loves to be a drama queen these days.
reader comment“Fair question; what good is an anti-bacterial product against a virus?” R.W.

Lost cause
It's all very well, Prince Bill and his missus hopping over to Ireland to hob-nob with the natives. But if the Irish are not prepared to make the effort to be good neighbours and nice to us, which their evicted Icelandic former prime monster wasn't, it's all a bit of a waste of time.
reader comment“That's the same Ireland where the IRA is hoping to be all or part of the next government? Much more than a bit of a waste of time.” T.V.

No coffin-dodgers, please
Football fans being obliged to produce a birth certificate at the turnstiles to prove they are under 70 is one way the industry could address the problem of generating some income in these diseased times.
    A ban on oldies is seen as preferable to playing to either an empty stadium or a token 'crowd' of a mere 500 bodies.

reader comment“If the French are really serious and guilty about repatriating the remains of Napoleon III, the emperor they discarded, how about a swap for the Bayeux Tapestry, which was Embroidered in England.” P.C.

Far Queue symbol Criminals who claim they are at special risk of the corona virus are escaping prosecution or a gaol sentence. Another ill wind.

Shape up or pay up
The nation's universities have been warned that unless they prevent racialists and others @ their establishment from impeding free speech, the government will slap some laws on them. Which will mean that unis will be faced with the prospect of being hauled into court to pay compensation to victims of their unlawful activities and be obliged to shove major amounts of cash into the ever-open pockets of the legal trade.

Dodgy odds? Less than evens!
The NatWest bank is offering cancelling to gambling addicts @ its branches. Which leaves the addicts with having to gamble on being able to find a branch that's still open before they fritter away the train fare to get there.

Internet Medical Crazes (crazies?)
A. Dry fasting—don't drink anything for 10 hours to give your kidneys a rest.
B. Air fasting—stop breathing for at least 1 hour to give your lungs a rest and reduce your intake of airborne pollutants.
C. Cardiac fast—have your heart's electrical activity stopped for at least 1 hour to give it a rest from all that beating.
[Good luck with getting your brain restarted after B and C. Ed.]

exclamation markThings have gone very quiet about the contest to find a Corbynstein's Monster to replace the old twit himself. Corona'd out of relevance?

bullet Terms we’ll have to get used to:
Ghost Game – no crowd at a sporting event because of CoCO19 and not because the club or the competitors have transgressed in some way.

Talking about ghosts . . .
The MotoGP season started in Katar yesterday almost by accident. New local travel restrictions, especially involving travel from Italy, meant that it would have to be a Grand Prix meeting without a MotoGP race.
    Luckily, the Moto3 and Moto2 teams were already there, doing some testing, and they were able to put on a show for a tiny crowd (by the usual standards) and get their respective dashes to their championship under weigh.

bulletQ: What's the score on the XFL for this weekend just gone?
bulletA: 4 matches played, 2 shown by BT Sport, 1 viewed by the BFN usual suspects; and what a cracker it was! And 1 awaiting viewing.

bullet Things we need to know: 99.9999% of the people involved in football are gambling addicts to one degree or another.
reader comment“Given that bookies pay for professional footie—no sugar, Shergar.” G.B.L.

bulletQ: In the SNP paradise that is Scotland, what counts as an upgrade on the busiest rail commuter routes?
bulletA: Replacing 40-year-old trains with 30-year-old rolling stock.

Far Queue symbol The Hachette Book Group is facing the chop in the form of a boycott of its products for deciding not to publish a work of biography by the film director & actor W. Allen.

Climate change protection mask How about this as a prime contender for the Dodgiest Advert of the Year Award?
No doubt the Warmists are fuming at this wonderful way to do them out of a living.

cross symbol The Swiss government has a severe case of the hump after the Germans blocked a shipment of 240,000 protective masks as part of an export ban on such items. Switzerland has little manufacturing capability for them and relies on imports. No use turning to the French, either. It's every man for himself, these days.
reader comment“Let us hope that Sweden bans exports of Greenhouse Grotter as part of its anti-corona protocols.” W.H.

bullet Under personal distancing regulations, all sporting events will now be on TV and/or the internet, the players will operate on a non-contact basis and everyone else will have virtual rather than personal interactions.
reader comment“That's going to make rugby a bit of a farce. Or is there flag-rugby like the flag-football version of American Crunch?” H.M.

Far Queue symbol "Politics as usual" now seems to apply to CoCO19 with Labour MPs pretending that they would have done corona quicker and better than the Tories. Like anyone takes them seriously.

bullet Price of oil plummets. No fall in petrol pump prices, though.

Never Say Ever Again
Film fans have been deprived of an OAP James Bond. D. Craig has announced that he has definitely doubled his last 0.

bullet Prince Hairy & missus have now been abolished.

exclamation mark Now is a good time for visiting art galleries in Italy, a correspondent told us yesterday. Places which are normally jam-packed with customers are empty and many of them are offering free admission.
update The whole of Italy is now in quarantine, which probably means that the chance to do the galleries has gone.

bullet Things being panic-bought include tinned peas and green beans as well as boggo rollos and hand sanitizer. People are weird.

bulletQ: How do you carry on driving with 66 points on your licence?
bulletA: Make sure the magistrate is mug enuff to buy your Xceptional hardship story.

bullet Turkey is suffering from a shortage of wire-cutters, which have been mass requisitioned to let the army hack holes in fences at the Greek border to facilitate exporting migrants.

cross symbol Scum Rising: Bloody typical! President Boris visits a flood zone and gets abuse hurled at him by yobs who don't live within a fifty-quid train ride of the soggy spot.

bullet Rail cancellations are at an all-time high. Quick! Someone phone the Guinness Book of Records. [Probably something to do with gorbal warming. Ed.]

bullet If prisons have to close down due to CoCO19, the death penalty could be reintroduced to prevent the release of dangerous criminals into the general population.
reader comment“Anyone remember the good old days, when all we had to worry about was reptile dysfunction?” C.M.X.

bulletRugby football introduces safety-first corona handshake black arrowhead

reader comment“Please remind all those who have a thing about eating organic and natural that 'organic' foods give no health benefits, the Xperts have found, and can lead to plagues like CoCO19; which is not something you'd catch at McDonuts, which has to comply with public health regulations. Further, arsenic, cyanide and lead are all found in nature; and deadly.” M.F.

cross symbol Putinstan is busy fear-mongering by spreading fake news about the Chinese plague on anti-social meeja. The government is taking steps to oblige publishers like FakeBuk to disinfect their site by removing Russian-controlled accounts.

tick symbol Members of the House of Frauds, average age 70, are going into self-isolation to avoid losing their perks in the future, when the CoCO19 fun and games are over.

Information No Highway
The government had launched a Counter Disinformation Unit to combat the tide of fake news about the Chinese plague that is gushing forth from Putinstan.
    One thing which is not yet clear is the actual purpose of the unit. Does it provide a counterblast to disinformation? Or does it issue disinformation going in the opposite direction?
    No doubt all will become clear in due course.

bulletQ: When is a pothole a Good Thing?
bulletA: When it makes a drug dealer fleeing the police @ 80 mph crash his car and break his neck.

cross symbol Going vegan means not eating killer meat and animal products and the move will let you live forever? Wrong! Most of the gunk dished up with the veganist label contains lethal levels of salt and saturated fats, the Xperts reckon.

bulletQ: What do you get if you're a university vice-chancellor who has been obliged to quit because of bullying and mismanagement?
bulletA: £260K compensation for loss of office and a £10K bonus.

fire! + + + Chancellor achieves Budget Miracle + + + Will spend like Gordon F. Broon on steroids + + + But no one will pay any tax + + + Except smokers, entrepreneurs, businesses using gas, construction firms using red diesel, etc. + + + Pensioners to lose BILLIONs through fiddle to RPI rate + + +

cross symbol Vlad the Putin has made his serfs in the Russian parliament pave the way for him to become president for life. The people, if they know what's good for them, will endorse the move in a vote next month.

bulletBrilliant Excuse for Speeding: "I told the chauffeur not to stop for the police because I was shagging a bird who's not my wife in the back and I didn't want anyone else to know."
bulletTorpedoed by: CCTV showing no bird and no chauffeur in the car.

Public sector business as normal
The woman who presided over the persecution of sub-postmasters as former head of The Post Office (owned by the taxpayer) got £2.2 MILLION in bonuses and a C.B.E. Her victims, who were sent to gaol, driven into bankruptcy and/or suffered severe stress, will be lucky to get £20K compensation apiece as most of the compo cash fund is going to lawyers.

Baffle the Bozos
Far Queue symbol If they want to know what your pronoun is, tell 'em it's "vosh" or "q'rhr".

Tell the Warmist alarmists to get stuffed
Warmists @ the UN are claiming that the world is 1.1 deg.C warmer than in pre-industrial times. Which raises the question of how do we know they are matching like with like, given the long and ignoble history that the dodgy Warmists have for guestimating (and inflating) temperature readings for regions where there are no monitoring stations.
    And 1.1 deg.C? It has been warmer than that in the last couple of millennia and they were prosperous times, from all surviving accounts.

So he’s not all bad, then
tick symbol Former SNP leader and First Meenister of Scotland A. Salmonella has the decency to keep his sox on when he strips off to pounce on his alleged victims, according to evidence presented to the High Court in Edinburgh during his trial on multiple charges of sexual assault.

Yah, boo to you!
P. Rutnam, the Home Office waxwork who flounced off the job in a cloud of accusations of bullying against Home Sec. Mrs. Patel, is being positioned as a pram toy-hurler and a big girl's blouse by the top civil service waxworks, which means that a million-quid compenbloodysation payment is off the table.

Far Queue symbol The courts have decided that people who won't want anyone to know which sex they are will be out of luck if they demand an 'X' in the section to do with gender in a passport. The options remain 'F' or 'M'.
reader comment“How about 'yes please'?” R.W.
reader comment“They can always pretend their 'M' stands for 'maybe'.” C.M.

tick symbol The building industry has jumped on the corona bandwagon big time with a rash of TV adverts for home extensions for the 'Indoor Generation'—a.k.a. self-isolaters.

Green Salvation
The latest plan for saving The Planet from gorbal warming is to build miniature forests the size of a tennis court containing 600 or so trees, which will drink up flood water, cool cities and leap tall buildings with a single bound.
    The plan is to create enuff mini-forests in civilized parts of the world to replace the Amazon jungles, which are scheduled to disappear before 2070, the Xperts reckon.

tick symbol Bin chairs, bin standing desks. The best way to do office work is kneeling down or squatting like a hunter-gatherer, the Xperts have concluded. More muscle activity is involved and it's good for us.

bulletToday's depressing news: Loved ones will die, President Boris reckons. Presumably, hated ones won't.

bulletToday's silent phone call came from 01782 310651

reader comment“It's not even remotely accurate to describe the Stonehenge bypass tunnel as going under the site if it's 70 yards off to one side and the entry/exit points are a mile away.” M.H.T.
reader comment“No doubt there are motorists who are busting a gut to be the first to break down in the tunnel. Or even the first to catch fire in it.” C.B.

bullet A plan to fine bozos who park on the pavement? Like that is going to happen!

Warmists are complaining that the government's road-building plans could undermine the boneheaded drive for zero carbon dioxide emissions by 2050. But as most of the politicians involved will be gone by then, they're not likely to be either impressed or worried.

bulletQ: Is it possible to make hand sanitizer by mixing 70% methylated spirits with 30% washing up liquid as an alternative to paying fifty quid for a bottle on the internet?
bulletA: If you want to make something akin to paint stripper for your top layer of skin, yes.
reader comment“You could always spend the 49 quid you save on the internet price on a decent brand of hand moisturiser cream.” R.W.

bullet Prince Hairy has had his Al Capone confishcaked to make sure he doesn't talk himself into even more trouble with Russian hoaxers pretending to be Greenhouse Grotter. [Or her Russian sister, Tanya. Ed.]

bullet Thought for the day: How many centuries will China need to pay compensation to the rest of the world for the havoc created by its virus?

bullet The Stock market has given up on Black weekdays as they are not big enuff. Thus, we are now officially in Black March.

Please try really hard to live long and prosper
bullet Maybe we should be using Mr. Spock's Vulcan 'three pints, please' salute instead of a handshake during the Corona Crisis.

Getting ahead of the game
How soon will it be before people take the chance of getting CoCO19 deliberately in the hope that they will command a premium as someone who won't disappear off sick because they've already had the plague?
reader comment“Corona parties instead of measles parties? Which the Xperts think (for measles) are a dreadful idea. There are people mad enuff to do it.” R.W.

exclamation mark Surprise! The Xperts reckon that the splurge Budget is affordable as it still contains elements of austerity!!

Tell us something we didn't know
Surprise! It's official. The Police of the Metrolopis are more interested in pretending they are perfect than in learning lessons from their incompetent handling of the not-so-great Child Murder Fantasy spread by 'Nick' 'Gaolbird' Beech and the appalling Tom 'Nonce Finder' Watson.
reader comment“When are they going to take the female knighthood away from the pantomime dame in charge? Apart from never.” T.J.

Far Queue symbol The government is planning to overhaul the unsmart motorway scam but still intending to blow £1,600 MILLION on them—that's nearly £30 MILLION for everyone in the country, and most people would rather have the dosh.

Far Queue symbol Oh, dear! Now that he's in gaol and unable to respond, the world's female luvvies are now having to come up with something rotten that H. Wheensteen did to them to avoid feeling left out.
bullet The 123-year sentence handed to H.W. is now being viewed as revenge rather than justice and there is an expectation that it will be cut on appeal. Possibly to time served with the bonus of the judge being sacked for conduct unbecoming a representative of the justice system.

bullet The Xperts reckon that babies can grasp grammar at 8 months old. What about grampar? How graspable is he?

Public Service Announcement

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His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

 WEEK 3 

bullet If TV channels run out of stuff to show during the Corona Emergency, a moob-off between Bond actor D. Craig and president-for-life V. Putin is mooted, given their propensity for getting their top off.
reader comment“Could the corona emergency be a Divine Message to all those mugs who leapt on the climate emergency bandwagon to show them what a real emergency looks like?” R.N.

Opportunities? Well, maybe
TV viewers are advised to brace themselves for a plague of sports they've never heard of as TV channels struggle to fill gaping A-List chasms in their schedules with repeats and Z-list events.

bullet One cheer from the Labour party for the Chinese Death Plague—no local elections in May this year means no wipe-out. But they won't have O.J. Corbynstein to blame in May 2021.

One way ahead
The latest Brilliant Way to defend yourself against CoCO19 is to get lots of sleep. The body produces virus-zapping proteins during deep sleep and 12-14 hours of it per day would be a Good Idea. It would also reduce the number of hours needing to be filled during self-isolation for those unable to amuse themselves.

cross symbol Just when things were going so well for the revived XFL, the season crashes to a halt half-way through. Just when it was producing some really good matches. They will be missed. Roll on 2021's efforts.
reader comment“No more XFL this year just as it was getting good. Definite proof that The Universe hates us, if any more of that were necessary.” B.R.

bullet The nation is facing the prospect of broadband rationing as office-visitors pretend to work from home. Porn and betting websites are expecting a huge surge in business.

bullet Tonight's TV HiLite: The Ubiquitous Joanna Lumley's Hidden Cleavage.

Speed variable
We have been told that producing a vaccine for CoCO19 will take 12-18 months. Next thing you know, Xperts @ Imperial college London are saying they could go from mice via monkeys to a human trial in June. Which just goes to show what happens when the Xperts put their brains to the grindstone.
    Of course, anything that works will be subject to licencing, manufacture and distribution. So maybe by the end of the decade?

tick symbol Supplies of hair dye are vanishing at the same rate as hand sanitizer and boggo rollos in anticipation of the four-month house-arrest period, when pensioners will have to lie about their age when they venture out to the shops in an effort to dodge a fine of £1,000 or a spot of gaol time.

bulletQ: Ban gatherings of more than 100 people in France and what do you get?
bulletA: Armies of Yellow Vest Pests giving the police something to do in Paris.

Far Queue symbol Bad acting has been added to the charges faced by ex-SNP leader A. Salmonella in connection with his miserable attempt to do a zombie before pouncing.

Nurse, he’s out of bed again!
Iconic Sir D. Attenborough is facing prosecution for gross hyperbole over his declaration that the human race has completely destroyed the world. This is manifestly nonsense as even a casual glance out of a handy window shows that it is still there.
    Further, as products of the natural evolutionary process on the Earth, humanity's actions are clearly part of what is destined to be and he has no right to question the progress of the Master Plan, icon or not.

Evolutionary dead end
reader comment“Sir D. can cheer up. The human race has to be doomed if there are sad nutters around who are prepared to pay good money to watch people sleeping on auntie-social meeja.” R.W.

Scrabbling for advantage
The late Sir A.C. Clarke, SF author of note, went one better than Sir I. Newton, idea kleptomaniac of note, by coming up with 4 Laws, the 4th of which is: "For every expert, there is an equal and opposite expert".
    Thus, no matter what the government does, there will always be Xperts declaiming that the government should be doing the exact opposite of current policy in the hope of claiming that if they got something right once, (if only by accident), then that proves they're right all the time.

question mark If the elderly are placed under house arrest for 4 months, how will they get cash to pay neighbours who shop for them? Will the banks deliver it?

bullet The government is thinking of using empty hotels as temporary parking zones for people with CoCO19. All they need is a transplant of equipment, oxygen supplies and staff and . . . all the other stuff.

bulletQ: What's a good way to get yourself deregistered as an architect?
bulletA: Be clumsy about putting malicious one-star reviews of rivals' work on Gooble.

bullet Everyone in the Irish Republic is expected to have had CoCO19 (or croaked) by the end of this month as they are still flocking to clubz and pubz.

bulletQ: Should we be surprised to hear that over a million young workers have decided they can't afford to live in London and have relocated elsewhere and out of commuting range?
bulletA: Yes, we're surprised that the number isn't 2 million.

More of life’s frustrations
Single pensioners, who want to hold a "We Hate Rikishi Snack" event because they got bugger all out of his budget, and will see April's pension rise eaten up by higher Council Tax, are advised to do so before the House Arrest Act (2020) zooms through Parliament.
reader comment“Something else that was ignored by the new Chancellor is the pernicious Inheritance Tax. He obviously expects enough oldies to croak from CoCO19 to help him balance his books and pay for H2S, etc.” Y.F.
reader comment“Given that people living out in the sticks never see a copper from one year to the next, who exactly is going to arrest us for being over 70 in a public place after the House Arrest Act (2020) becomes law?” S.P.
reader comment“Maybe people over 70 who don't have 3-4 obligatory underlying health conditions could be issued with a certificate by their GP [by email. Ed.] to show to any pushy minion of the Establishment who tries to bust them for the crime of breaking house arrest.” B.L.
reader comment“Does anyone else feel he's letting the side down because he's over 70 and doesn't have 3 or 4 underlying health issues?” W.M.
reader comment“What, not even one?” O.P.
reader comment“None at all.” W.M.
reader comment“You cad, sir!” O.P.

tick symbolToday’s Alert
Two bottles of wine per week for 4 months of house arrest adds up to 35 bottles, not 32 bottles. BE PREPARED!

bullet Today's Definition—App: an appology for a proper computer program

Shall we break up? Okay!
Adultery is going out of fashion. Divorces because of it have gone down by 50% since the nation booted Gordon F. Broon and the New Labour rump into touch. A civil uncoupling rather than a lawyer-fuelled blame game is becoming the trend; to the great financial disadvantage of the legal trade.

Plague Wars
It was the Russians who took the plague to China!
    The government of Putinstan media has blamed Britain for the CoCo19 global pandemic, which was created as a tool for the benefit of the UK. Russia's official fake news agency, Lozhniye Novosti, is claiming that a British spy smeared the virus, which it claims was developed @ Porton Down, on a door handle somewhere in Wuhan—in the same way that Russian stooges smeared Novichok on a door handle in an attempt to kill the Skripals in Salisbury in March 2018.

The Chinese ReaperThe Russian Reaper

What is destroying Putinstani credibility is that, in addition to recycling the method used for the attempted murder of the Skripals, the fake news merchants are recycling their 2018 story that Brexit manoeuvring is at the back of it.

reader comment“Will it be of any comfort to the ancients to know that O.J. Corbynstein will be under house arrest too when the law is passed? As well as the inmates of the House of Frauds, who won't be able to claim their £324/day attendance allowance.” R.D.

bullet At the rate Americans are currently buying guns and ammo, the death rate from bullet wounds is likely to make that from CoCO19 look trivial.

reader comment“Why the current rash of funeral plan and life insurance ads on TV? Because you have to be signed up for a year before you qualify for any benefits. So the subs of anyone who croaks of corona before the year is up become pure profit.” C.M.X.

bulletGood News: The BBC is delaying ending the free TV licence for over-75s.
bulletBad News: But only for 2 months.

reader comment“Should I have an extra slice of cake? What if I don't and the Chinese Death Plague gets me? Case Closed.” B.B.

Unexpected spin-off
It seems we're safe from Daesh for as long as there is CoCO19 in Europe. The Islamist terrorists have been ordered to stay away whilst Allah is wiping out their enemies the old-fashioned way. Unfortunately, the divine slaughter is unable to distinguish between terrorists and their potential victims.
reader comment“Decent of them to claim their deity is behind the plague. No doubt the next step will be to claim that there's something even more deadly in the works, which will be unleashed if the rest of the world fails to put the Islamists in charge.” A.B.L.

bulletQ: What do you get if you're caught shoplifting in a branch of Boots?
bulletA: Away with it, if the Metropolitan police farce gets involved. Or probably just a slap on the wrist from the courts if the company launches a private prosecution against a persistent offender.

exclamation mark A kiddie scooter with an electric drive capable of speeding it along a road @ 30 mph and no effective or safe braking system? Sounds like a great way to prune the reckless and the feckless out of the population.

bulletQ: How do you upset the Chinese government?
bulletA: President Trump discovered that mentioning where the corona pandemic originated works a treat!

Bureaucrazy baffles brains
The French Interior Minister, C. Castaner, has decided that members of essential professions can still enjoy easy travel. That's medical and postal workers but few others. If the others need to leave their home for any reason at all, they will have to download a form from a government website or risk a fine of €38 enforced by one the 100,000 police officers and gendarmes who are part of this fund-raising drive. The fine goes up to €130 if not coughed up promptly.
    The unfortunate customer will have to write an excuse such as 'going out to buy a baguette' or 'walking the dog' on an individual printed form for every single external expedition.
reader comment“You have to wonder about the mentality of a President who expects his customers to download and print a form from a government website and then write: 'going for a walk' or some other excuse on it to avoid being persecuted by the minions of the state.” R.W.
It’s all about the dosh
reader comment“This is the standard political response to anything, especially pollution. You can do anything you like; drop litter, drive in a bus lane, go out and about; as long as you pay a fine.” C.G.

exclamation markToday's Fake News:
London is going to be locked down with troops & tanks on the streets and an on-the-spot fine of £1,000 for anyone found out and about without a good excuse.

Far Queue symbol The latest EbloodyU tactic for not discussing a Brexit trade deal is to put their chief negotions bloke under house arrest for a fortnight.

redeye The world is suffering from a severe case of vaguety fatigue. 'Could', 'might', etc. are being used so often to create terrifying scenarios for political or career advantage that they are just dropping to bitz with no obvious replacements in sight.

Bad time for disaster mongers
With the world at a standstill, all the terrible things the Warmists claim we're doing to The Planet by flying around, manufacturing stuff, enjoying ourselves, etc., are on hold. Which means two things: 1. No more gorbal warming for self-publicists like Greenhouse Grotter to sound off about; and 2. No more Xtreme weather for the drama queens to unload their persecution complex upon.

bullet Britain's longest running play, Agatha Christie's The Mousetrap has taken the CoCO19 threat as an excuse to close after 67 years to get the rusty spring and the depleted cheese replaced.

Swings & Arrows
The Daily Mail has had to postpone its Spring Clean-up of the nation until the autumn because of CoCO19. The good news is that if everything has sold out at supermarkets, there will be very little in the way of litter for the louts to chuck about over the next 6 months.

bulletQ: If stripping down to your sox and jumping on an unconsenting female isn't being a sex pest, what is it?
bulletA: If you are A. Salmonella, it's just high jinks.

He's losing it?
Paxperson is being twitted for moaning about being unable to find blotting paper. In his senile state, he is obviously unable to work out that boggo or kitchen rollo does the job just as well, and if he switched to a ballpoint pen, he wouldn't have wet ink in need of blotting.

bullet During the current crisis and because of the new rules on approach distances, BBC television is heading toward 97.3% repeats separated by the odd news programme and the occasional weather forecast. The Church of England is going on-line as its solution to the problem.

Things to do that cost nothing on a hot, sunny day when under house arrest:
1. If there are white clouds around, go outside, stand in the shade and watch the Sun erode and vanish the edges and outcrops of the clouds.

bulletQ: Should we be fair to the Chinese by recalling that the last World Catastrophe, the Broon Bust of 2008 and the collapse of the banking system, was caused by the American government as a matter of policy give mortgages to people who couldn't afford to repay them and stoopid banksters selling neat packages of junk mortgages to one another?
bulletA: Nah. After all, what have the Chinese done for us recently apart from hack government departments and private companies to steal information, spread fake news about us and unload their death plague on us?

exclamation markToday's Criminal Call: came from 01516 526093, computer voice, Amazon Prime auto-renewal scam, press '1' to talk to a scammer.

bulletQ: Should we be surprised that air pollution has dropped in areas where no one is driving cars around any more, like New York?
bulletA: We would have to be surprised only if pollution levels hadn't fallen.
bulletQ: So no kudos for Xperts making a song & dance about it?
bulletA: None at all.

Automate, Automate, Automate!
The honcho of Britain's armed services reckons that the army will be 120,000 strong in 2030 and 30,000 of the bodies will be robots.
    Given that the world is currently going through an emergency every 12 years, a financial crash in 2008, a world plague in 2020; the robots should come in handy if a simple reprogramming job will turn them into doctors, nurses, cops, estate agents or whatever is most required to meet the new threat from a foreign source in 2032.

bulletQ: If the stock market has lost one-third of its value in the last 3 months, where has all that cash gone?
bulletA: The short answer is nowhere. It never existed. Our stock market, like all the others, is based on flim-flam and what people will pay for a concept rather than anything tangible.

bulletQ: Is it a cruel and unusual punishment to remind the nation that someone is a former Gordon F. Broon adviser?
bulletA: Deferably! You could also add 'justified' to the list.

bulletQ: How do junkies manage if they can't go out to score?
bulletA: No worries, dealers deliver.

A dream come true!
ATTENTION everyone who was wondering what it would be like to live in a Corbidiot Old Labour paradise where no one works, everyone is on benefits, there's nothing in the shops and everywhere else is closed.
    You're about to find out.

tick symbol Having safely cleared the hurdle of one of the earliest vernal equinoxes on record, some good news for rail travellers. The reduction in passenger numbers and timetable cutbacks will mean that Britain's trains could be running on time consistently for the first time since Queen Victoria was on the throne.

cross symbol The Isle of Man government is compulsorily self-isolating people who ignore its local regulations in police cells. Across what it still the English Channel, the French are doing the same after dishing out some police violence during the arrest process to drive home the message.
reader comment“Won't that expose coppers to the virus if the awkward sod is also plague-ridden?” R.W.
    [French cops are big and tough and strong, and more than a match for any Chinese virus. Ed.]

tick symbol Webstreaming services like NeatFlicks are self-diluting the quality of their video services in Europe to avoid the need for government regulations to keep the Internet working for people doing it from home.

bullet Prince Albert of Monaco is not being slowed down by a dose of CoCPO19. He is working as normal during his period of self-isolation in his palace.
meanwhile Our own dear Queen and her consort, Prince Philip, are self-isolating @ Windsor Castle.
meanwhile Prince Hairy and Mhegan will be issuing second-hand Xpert advice on the interweb from somewhere in Northern Ameriqa, being everyone's aunt & uncle on their auntiesocial meeja channels.

Big Trouble Ahead
There has been an epidemic of panic buying and local councils are cutting back on refuse collections, which is what they do at the slightest excuse. Which means that when panic-bought perishables start to go off, there will be no way of disposing of them and the nation will be submerged in a foul-smelling miasma.
reader comment“Oh, dear! Britain's under-50s have turned out to be generations of Gruesome Grabbers. They're not content to let the Chinese Plague wipe out all the Oldies, they're trying to starve them to death by grabbing all the food from the shops. Revenge for voting for Brexit? Could be.” S.A.

bullet One million Brits stranded abroad. Airlines yelling for bail-outs. Having to do some rescue work to qualify for support is a no-brainer. But not something likely to occur to a government.

bullet The regime in Iran, a CoCO19 hotspot, is releasing political prisoners from gaol in the hope that they will get the virus from the general population and croak.

reader comment“That Hockney finger-painting of some daffodils—inspirational? wonderful? Or just fairly okay and nothing much without the Hockney name stapled to it?” A.E.M.

 WEEK 4 

China’s gift to the world
Locking down, Ramping up,
    Sitting in, Camping out,
       Going sideways, Round and Round in Circles,

bullet Today's Warning:
Don't give your mom the plague on Mom's Day. You know it makes sense.

reader comment“It really hits home that the world has come to an end when you walk past the bookie, on your way to buy a newspaper, and the shutters are down.” R.W.
reader comment“If there's anyone still standing when corona comes under control, you can be sure that they will be surrounded by Xperts, all claiming that their strategy for the plague was Xactly right and everyone else's was way wrong.” B.L.
reader comment“And all those Xperts will have their hand out for a research grant. Yeah, cynical or what!” I.F.

Far Queue symbol You're not a celeb unless you have a personal virus story. Who sez being a luvvie ain't a tough career choice!

bullet The government has grotted all over the firms which were buying up medicines like paracetemol to sell abroad at a huge mark-up.

cross symbol Is it the fault of the British government if gap-year joy-riders on a trip to Peru end up stuck there because the Peruvian government puts the country into lockdown and bans air travel? Only in the mind of a snoflake whinger.

tick symbol The education industry is confident that it can fake exam results for this year which will be indistinguishable from those faked in previous years.

bullet Panic buying has failed to include Dutch tulips, which are piling up in another of the EbluddyU's infamous mountains now that Mother's day has been cancelled.

Another Chinese export
Police in California are using drones made in China to enforce an empty-streets diktat. The aerial cops come with cameras to spot offenders, speakers to issue a warning and a shotgun in case the warning is ignored.

reader comment“Why do the newspapers keep going on about 'the pensioners who saw off the Narzis' when doing a rant about CoCO19? Anyone who was born at the end of the last world war hits 75 this year. So you can imagine how old anyone must be who was actually in the war as a combatant. Give 'em a break, why don'tcha?” R.N.
reader comment“But let us not forget D-Day and the great success of our invasion of France to put an end to their war-mongering.” G.P.

bulletFake News: Ten quid for a single boggo rollo.
bulletReal News: £9.99 for a 12-pack of them. [A smaller rip-off. Ed.]

Far Queue symbol Bad news for the weather hysterics. Things are going to be boring and cold for a while now that spring is here. No records, no nuffink. Shame!

Rules of Engagement
bulletQ: If President Boris has to turn the army out to enforce social distancing, what will be the rule for 2 people standing or walking less than 2 metres apart?
bulletA: Shoot them both would be fair. Shoot the lot of them, if there's a group. And it would have to be shoot to kill to avoid putting further strain on the NHS.

bullet There is something oddly symmetrical about a Nation of Shopkeepers being swamped by a Nation of Panic Buyers.

Sad sign of sad times
A pinque superhero called SafeSpace and a blue one called Snoflake? Trade Descriptions Act time over that misuse of the world 'hero'. Wot next? PhoneScamMan—a super-villain who pretends to be Microsoft or Amazon or 'your bank' saving us from bogus malware?

Degree of Difference
The Ardnamurchan peninsula in Scotland experienced a Richter 1.5 earthquake at 22:01 a week ago—something registered on instruments only and nothing compared to the earthquakes which Romiley has survived.
    People living to the north of Zagreb in Croatia got to experience a R5.3 quake at the weekend just gone; a lot more than we've ever had here. Buildings aren't supposed to fall down during a quake of that magnitude. The collapses in Croatia must have been the work of cowboy builders.

Far Queue symbol The Xperts reckon that criminals won't use CoCO19 as an excuse for riots, looting and arson about. Maybe not in the United States, where everyone has stocked up with guns & ammo. But here? Who knows. [Clue: Xperts get things wrong all the time. Ed.]

If the Army has to be deployed to support depleted police forces, soldiers will be allowed to shoot profiteering spivs on sight if they are trying to flog boggo rollos @ 10 quid a pop.
[See Rules of Engagement above, Ed.]

euro symbol Italian police have issued penalty notices to the value of €2.28 MILLION to people caught ignoring corona restrictions.

Grotter nil, Corona 1
The Planet is doing quite well out of CoCO19. The polluted canals and waterways of Venice are suddenly clean for the first time in living memory and some brave fish are venturing into the canals.
meanwhileIn China, the perpetually polluted skies are clearing and they actually look blue at times. And spy satellites are able to get a clear view of what is happening on the ground using visible light rather than infrared.

Far Queue symbol A bloke who stole £32,000 from Kensington & Chelsea council by pretending he was a Grenfell Tower resident has been awarded 5 years free accommodation in one of Her Majesty's prisons.

tick symbol Feeling neglected with a world concentrating on CoC19 and its fallout, the rogue regime in North Korea has tried to get itself noticed again by shooting off a couple of missles into the sea off its east coast.

No more than 3 brain cells needed
reader comment“There was someone complaining in yesterday's paper about the use of metric measurements in the UK. The complainer said that he had no concept of what the 2 metres required for social distancing amounts to. Which left me thinking that someone who can't grasp that a metre is just a bit more than a yard has to be particularly dim or spectacularly obtuse.” A.L.M.

Not Spreading the Word
This must be a terrible time for Mormons and Jehova's Witnesses and politicians and all others who go round doorstepping people with their weird views. No one is glad to see them and no one wants to know in case they're plague-carriers.

tick symbol In future, Royal Visits will be done by videolink. The recipients will assemble, separated by 78.4 inches, in front of a video monitor to be addressed by the royal remote visitor(s). After an initial general message, a remote minion will steer the carriage carrying the monitor among the subjects for one-to-one conversations.

Far Queue symbol The New York justice system has awarded H. Wheensteen, fallen Hollywood mogul, a dose of CoCO19. He is now compulsorily isolated in solitary confinement.

bullet There has been a rush on tins of paint in Japan so that the army of 2020 Olympics signs can be redone to 2021.

Fame of a sort
It's official! Downing Street guru D. Cummings has been awarded Ming the Merciless status. Newspapers now feel able to attribute any load of BS to him because they feel safe from a libel action on the grounds that he is so widely hated by lefties that it is impossible to blacken his name further.

Scrabble for dominance
The Chinese, Iranian and Russian fake news agencies are in a vicious, three-way arse-kicking contest, each claiming to have the most authentic proof that the Chinese plague was Made in the USA.
    Iran's hereditary supremo, the Ayatollah Bunchacommies, is claiming that CoCO19 was created by the CIA using genetic data mined from Iranian migrants specifically to target Iran.
    A Chinese government mouthpiece is channelling the Russian version by claiming that the US Army took CoC19 to Wuhan.
    Lozhniye Novosti, the Russian agency, is still trying to come up with something more credible than a rehash of the Russian government's Novichok attack on the Skripals in Salisbury 2 years ago.

Far Queue symbol The banks, which were bailed out by the nation when they went bust in 2008, are repaying the nation's charity with interest rates close to zero for savers and overdraft rates close to 50% for debtors.

reader comment“If we're really in a war, shouldn't the RAbluddyF be bombing somewhere?” D.D.V.

Far Queue symbol The students' club @ Oxford university which no platformed former Home Sec. A. Rudd has been booted into touch for ignoring the university's rules on freedom of speech.

Cynical, or what!!
reader comment“The 'news' that Greenhouse Grotter 'thinks' she might have the Chinese plague carries the fingerprints of a PR try-on. If the reaction is: "Poor little stinker", that's her Need to be Noticed gratified. And if the reaction is a WWE-style: "You deserve it!" chant, then it can be a false alarm leaving the option open for another try in the future.” G.R.

tick symbol The government is in a rush to obtain vast quantities of 2-metre rulers for the police and/or military support groups to use. The hope is that issuing fines to people who fail to comply with social separation distancing regulations will turn a profit.
    Electronic laser range-finders are also under consideration as they are much less intrusive to use. But a simply length of wood is much cheaper and the laser gadgets would have to be made in China, which is closed at the moment.

cross symbol The geniuses in charge of London's transport and the cosmetic mayor have cut the number of Tube trains and buses to pack the sardines even tighter. No doubt a suitable obtuseness bonus is involved.

Oh, Calamity!
Far Queue symbolThe Labour party is in trouble for letting its view that CoCO19 is a great opportunity to score cheap political points leak out from behind the leadership's closed doors.

question mark What counts as 'essential' in these plague-ridden times? Sports equipment and garments, according to the zillionaire who owns a chain of sporting goods shops. He reckons they need to stay open on the grounds that the nation needs to stay strong and fit and well.
update The sports bloke has decided to close his shops and double prices for online sales. Smart!

It’s Christmas every day!
reader comment“On one day of the year (in normal times), I have no reason to go out—Xmas Day because there's no newspaper to buy. Now, President Boris wants me to pretend that every day is Xmas Day. Okay. Just as long as they don't put all the Festering Season crap on the telly.” H.T.S.

bullet With one bound, A. Salmonella has been un-Weensteened and declared not guilty or not proven.
reader comment“He's not a sex-maniac according to the letter of the law, he just has a severe problem with social distancing and an over-developed sense of entitlement. And he's slobbery and despotic. And he lost the SNP's "Once in a Generation" IndyRef. Which puts some blots on the unstained character scenario.” N.S.

A good way to prop up the shattered economy
reader comment“Here's a brilliant Money-Making Scam for the government—recruit an army of coffin-dodgers, give each of them a walking stick to swing about and send them out and about with police observers.
    “Anyone who is close enough to the CD to be clobbered by the walking stick has to be breaking social distancing regulations and liable to a fine of £30. Kerching!” M.K.

bullet You really do need a great memory these days so that you can remember all the things you can't do any more and the couple of things left that you can still do.
    [Memo to self: start an online memory-training course TODAY! Ed.]

bullet Police hotlines are being overwhelmed by people ringing in to report other people who are gathering in groups of more than 2.

bullet Any wise guys who cough on a public sector worker and claim to have the plague are liable to end up in court on a charge of assault and battery of the human anatomy of an emergency worker.
bullet People can also be arrested 'on suspicion' of sitting too close together on a park bench.
reader comment“Which is complete BS. Either there is proof that they were doing it—photographic, body cam—or there isn't and the copper was just indulging a KGB gene.” I.N.

reader comment“In the good old daze, giving the plague to the heir to the throne of the British Empire would have been considered an act of war. How fortunate for the Chinese that we live in more relaxed times and putting Prince Chazzer in isolation is considered a sufficient reaction.” S.G.

The Guessperts are at it again
This week's theory is that one-half of the population of Britain might possibly could just have had a mild dose of CoCO19 and achieved a measure of immunity. The theory assumes the virus arrived here in mid-January, 2-3 weeks before its presence was suspected.
    This opinion from Oxford U. agrees with the government's Xperts at University College London that the outbreak will last 2-3 months, but offers the possibility that the impact will be less severe than that predicted in London.
    No doubt there will be another theory along next week.

tick symbol Instead of building prefab hospitals on new sites, as the government of China did for Wuhan, our government has decided to convert exhibition centres like ExCell in London and the NEC in Birmingham into emergency hospitals, which takes a couple of weeks.

bullet The Russians have decided not to test anyone for CoCO19 and deaths from the virus are being called pneumonia cases to polish the national image of Putinstan.

bullet The SNP is now locked in a fierce debate over who is the party's O.J. Corbynstein. Is it A. Salmonella or is it Wee Burney?

bulletQ: What's the biggest casualty of CoCO19?
bulletA: Discounts and rewards. Supermarkets, banks, everyone is forgetting they exist in the dash to rip off sitting ducks whilst the opportunity lasts.

tick symbol Just what you need if you're stuck at home—Morgan Computers is offering an indoor fun drone for under 20 quid.
    [The above is an observation, not an endorsement. Ed.]

reader comment“Every time I try to get something from our Sainsbury Local during the morning, there's a sentry at the door and they're rebloodyplenishing.” H.R.
reader comment“It's all very well for President Boris to tell us we can go out and play only once a week, but it can take 2 trips in the same day to catch the supermarket open.” C.L.
reader comment“Why don't you go in the afternoon?” P.F.
reader comment“I'm doing this thing called working from home with windows of opportunity for my-time. Mostly in the morning.” H.R.

Truth sacrificed to save face
Great consternation around the world. It really is possible that the cure could be worse than the disease. But the big problem with that is admitting that President Trump (via his advisors) has a point—something which would really upset a lot of pundits and his political enemies.

cross symbol Interest rate for savers = 0.1% if they're lucky. Interest rate for bail-out loans = 12%. The banksters are back in business as if they were never bailed out in 2008.

dustbinFar Queue symbol Parliament has broken up for a month. Soon, people will be asking, "O.J. Who?" as the ancient curmudgeon disappears back to his allotment and into the dustbin of history.

cross symbol Surprise! In these days of mass unemployment, the plan to make constituency sizes more equal and cut the number of MPs to 600 has been binned as too hard to do.

bullet Life goes on and the Xperts are still at it, coming up with conclusions like the average punter wouldn't know the back of their own hand from a hole in the ground.

bulletQ: What do we have to look forward to in a couple of weeks' time?
bulletA: Paying 4% more Council bloody Tax.

bullet Keep Death On The Roads: MoT tests are on hold for 6 months.

Justice, Schmustice
Do we care that 2 formerly British men, who lost their citizenship for joining Daesh to kill people, will be sent straight to gaol in Guantanamo Bay without the benefit of a fair trial in the USA on the whim of our Supreme Court?
    See that rat's arse over there? It's the one we don't give.

Who’s that weird bloke? Female? Whatever?

reader comment“Is that me dressed in the height of current fashion? Nope, it's a sketch of himself done by my Dad in January 1944. It's what he looked like when dressed up for a training exercise @ the radar school @ RAF Yatesbury complete with Sten gun! Nothing much changes.” P.H.T.

bullet Gulp! President Boris has the Chinese plague. But, like Prince Chazzer, he's much too tough to let it bother him.
update All the top bods at the Health Department seem to have it too. That thing about what goes around must be true.

Sliding into dystopia
No surprise that the nation's police farces started abusing their emergency powers less than 24 hours after they were granted. The legal trade is up in arms about coppers threatening to arrest motorists for making what they (the coppers) consider to be non-essential journeys. The legal trade is convinced that restricting people to emergency travel only is unlawful and people are entitled to go for a drive if they feel like it.

bullet If you hear a mysterious voice from the sky, it's not God having a word with you, it's your council overflying you with a drone. That's what is telling you to get off the streets and go home.
bullet Forget that £30 fine that was announced. It's now £60 going up to a grand. Kerching!
bullet A survey has found that one-quarter of our weird population doesn't think China is the source of, and responsible for, the CoCO19 plague.

Far Queue symbol O.J. Corbynstein is claiming that CoCO19 is divine proof that his looney left policies were right and the electorate got things badly wrong at the last election.

bullet The British Medical Association doesn't want medical students to volunteer to work in corona wards until after it has negotiated a deal on pay, holiday and pensions. Kerching! again.

bullet An Xpert reckons that keeping people at home is turning us into a nation of zombies with cabin fever. If things are really bad after just a few days of it, then three weeks' self-confinement will produce a nation of nutters plagued by weird dreams.

bullet The officials in charge of Hubei state in China reckon they have contained their outbreak of plague and they have reduced the panic status of the city of Wuhan, the source of CoCO19, from high to medium.

bullet The self-employed will be out of luck as far as government help is concerned until June, given the amount of work involved in putting the Chancellor's rescue package in place.

bullet Universities face the financial crisis of having to replay fees to students for the period when they weren't offering tuition.

bullet Equipment providing a rapid test for CoCO19 will not be available for some time yet because the test has to be invented and tested and its effectiveness confirmed.

bullet In Russia, where there is no corona virus, according to official propaganda, 16 new hospitals dedicated to treating CoCO19 patients are being built.

bullet The Italian government has minions scanning auntiesocial meeja posts in search of people offering photographic and video self-evidence of breaking lockdown conditions which make them liable for a fine! Kerching!

 WEEK 5 

A fair question
reader comment“TV is supposed to mirror life, right? So how come the bits between the TV adverts are full of people swanning around in groups and touching one another when we're all confined to barracks?” D.B.
reader comment“One advantage of being confined to barracks is you don't have to bother with messing about with clocks and getting up an hour early. You can get yourself synchronized at your leisure during the day to make sure you don't miss your fave evening TV viewing.” S.T.

The grim stalker
reader comment“Is it my imagination or are the funeral plan ads coming thicker and faster on TV? Maybe it's just the channels I watch.” S.E.

bulletQ: Wash your hands for 20 seconds—how long is that if you're not musical?
bulletA: The time it takes for the hot water in the tank upstairs to start arriving at the hot tap on the kitchen sink is about right.

reader comment“I've noticed that people seem to be saying something that sounds like 'oaf hook' rather a lot these days.” F.L.
[Can you blame them with the amount we have to put up with? Ed.]
reader comment“Just think what Monty Python would have made of all those the put-upables.” A.F.

tick symbol It's life as normal in Sweden, where they are taking the Xtreme experimental measure of seeing what will happen if they ignore the existence of CoCO19.

cross symbol The official view from the World Health Organization is that having a drink to dull the Corona Blues is an 'unhelpful coping strategy. The response from everyone else is that the WHO is being deliberately unhelpful.

tick symbol China is confident about restarting its economy real soon. The only slight blip on the horizon is that all of its foreign customers are in lockdown because of the Chinese plague and not in buying mode.

reader comment“If we see a picture of the Queen holding a phone and a picture of President Boris, also holding a phone, next to it, why would we believe they're talking to each other or even that the pix were taken on the same day? When you think about it, it's a bit bleedin' patronizing of the newspapers to do it.” C.A.

reader comment“It's all very well for the pundits to tell us that mass testing for exposure to CoCO19 has to start yesterday. But in the real world, a test that works reliably has to be developed, which takes time. It's not something you can pick off a shelf.” M.V.

Corona shuffleCorona shuffleAt last, the official word
Finally, some definitive advice from the government. The only way to have a chance of avoiding a dose of CoCO19 is to stand on one leg in an otherwise empty room and stay there for the next six months.

Bad News
Far Queue symbol China has reopened its cat, dog and bush-tucker markets to celebrate defeating CoCO19. So that's another plague along when we've dealt with this one .

Good News
tick symbol The government is working hard to source the magic potion used by Astérix the Gaul when he saw off a Roman charioteer called Coronavirus in Astérix et la Transitalique (2017)

Coronavirus vs Asterix

Far Queue symbolThe Russian navy is trying to take advantage of the CoCO19 lockdown to sneak spies ashore. At least 7 of their warships have been spotted lurking with evil intent in our coastal waters.
reader comment“Talking about sneaking, we don't seem to be hearing anything about illegal immigrants crossing the Channel recently. Have the French managed to lock them down? Or are they still landing but no one cares any more?” O.F.

reader comment“How come the mob who were moaning that President Boris didn't go to flooded areas to get in the way aren't complaining that he's not visiting plague victims in hospital and getting in the way?” R.W.

The Answer

Anti-corona diet

The government's advisors have come up with the definitive CoCO19 diet (see above). After a good helping of both components, you don't give a monkey's for the plague.

One you wouldn’t pee on even if he was on fire
A jobsworth jerk of a London copper has fined the owner of a bakery for chalking lines on the pavement 2 yards apart to space out customers in waiting. £80 for 'causing criminal damage with graffiti'. Kerching!
reader comment“To be fair, the police are presecuting some of the right people, like the entitled idiot who was done for 600 quid in fines and costs for making a nuisance of himself outside his local Tesco.” L.E.
reader comment“Being fair to the police even if they're not fair to their customers—is that some new regulation?” N.A.

bullet Lockdown until June, social distancing until October, sez the government's honcho epidemiologist. Wonderful!

bullet The latest guess is that 1.6 million people in England have had a dose of the plague compared to an official figure of 10,000.

Far Queue symbol Rats are invading the streets of New Orleans to protest. Thanks to the Chinese plague, no one is going out to eat and the rats' usual fodder; the scraps dropped by snackers; is no longer available. And the rats ain't happy . . .

reader comment“Just what is O.J. Corbynstein saying about what would have happened had he been elected president? That he would have started a plague if the Chinese hadn't to justify shaking the Magic Money Tree and putting everyone on the dole?” C.N.

bulletQ: Is anything happening which doesn't have something to do with the Chinese plague?
bulletA: Nope.

Rent-A-Cops Only
Far Queue symbol President Trump has ruled that if Prince Hairy and tribe want to be safe from the Gangs of LA, then they're going to have to pay for their own security because the US populace won't.

Plodsworth warning
Far Queue symbol In some areas, the police are trying to prevent shops from selling Easter eggs because they are deemed not essentials (by the fuzz). Which is bollocks as well as being outwith police legal powers.

reader comment“The nation's grumps are calling for financial penalties on people who panic-bought food and then threw it away when it reached its sell-by date. But if these people have blown all their cash on goods, they won't be able to pay a fine. What then? Send them to gaol? Oh, no. The government is trying to close prisons to avoid spreading the Wuhan plague. Just let them go, then? After wasting taxpayers' cash on the court pantomime?” J.B.
reader comment“Maybe we should fine the grumps to ensure there's a Kerching!” D.P.

reader comment“Is going out to buy illegal pharmaceuticals from a drug dealer one of the essential purchases reasons for being out and about now? Idle curiosity, I hasten to add.” I.A.

cross symbol Iranians are turning to alcohol in the belief that it will protect them from CoCO19. But as booze is banned there, except for usual suspects, the everyday Iranians are resorting to bootleg hooch and dying in large numbers of methanol poisoning.

Journey Into Space!!
The ISS; that would be a good place to go to avoid the Chinese plague. Of course, you'd have to keep exercising vigorously to prevent your muscles from being too weak to manage Earth's gravity when you got back and keep your bones strong. And the food probably wouldn't be all that brilliant. And no wine cellar and drinks cabinet.
    Living dangerously or existing safely. Some choice.

reader comment“The poor have been hardest hit by lockdown, sez ex-BBC pudding Mr. Humphreys. Which means what? That we should forget locking down?” W.T.
reader comment“The Xperts reckon that the elderly are good at mindfulness—not worrying about the past or future. Clearly Mr. H. isn't old enuff to be able to do it yet.” A.L.

How to stay sane during the Plague Year
Watch the news for no more than 20 minutes once a day and stay away from the crap circulating on antisocial meeja. But do go online for something mentally stimulating like listening to music, or learning to knit, learning a new foreign language or exploring new recipes. And if you're really desperate, do some Hoovering and polish the bathroom taps.

A dose of realism
reader comment“Are we dismayed to learn that Spanish communists spent decades in hiding after being on the losing side in the Spanish civil war to avoid being rounded up and killed by the winners, as related in a newly released film on the subject?
    “Not really because the commies would have done exactly the same had they won, and they would probably have achieved a much higher body count with active help from Comrade Stalin in Russia.
    “Heroes? Bloody losers like the Japanese war-end deniers” G.O.

BS Alert
The Xperts reckon that putting the clocks forward an hour in spring is bad for the health of 1 million people with atrial fibrillation because of the sleep they lose.
    News flash, you experts. The clocks go on at 1 a.m. on Sunday morning but there is no need to get up an hour earlier than usual later on. That's why the change is made on a Sunday.

MI5 has a new director general—a Scottish maths graduate who's a bit of a buzz-bomb. We're not allowed to tell you his age but he is known to be a dozen years younger than his predecessor who, having got his K, is skiving off into retirement at 58.

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, March MM20 like anyone cares