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BLAME UK? Get off yer knees and get a bloody grip

 WEEK 1     starting on Day 100 of locko

Forget all the BS, come Super Saturday, just make your spacing as many meters as you can manage comfortably!

Far Queue symbol Tony B. Liar has admitted that he has not washed his own clothes since 1997. Another brilliant reason to give him a wide berth. In fact, the idle scumbag hasn't lifted a finger in any of his many properties since he became entitled in 1997.
reader comment“You can't really imagine his missus lifting a finger either. But hey, what are staff for other than picking up and washing up behind you?” G.B.
reader comment“What about the mess Mr. Liar left in Iraq in addition to the one he left here after being Browned Out?” P.R.

Far Queue symbol Paedophiles now have to be called 'minor-attracted persons' to let them escape the stigma of their appellation. Or there will be trubble.

Just wonderful!
An Xpert @ Oxo Uni reckons being in locko destroys the human immune system and zillions more people will be wiped out by the next pandemic because of their reduced defences.
   "It's being so cheerful as keeps us going."
Another medical Xpert has put her bet on no second wave of the Chinese plague.
bullet A former UK science advisor is betting on 30,000 more deaths from the Chinese plague. Ta, for that.

markerPisant gesture by petty minds
Liverpool FC could have the safety certificate for the club's stadium revoked if fans continue to enjoy this year's victory in the league.
   As a result, the team will be unable to play home matches at their empty stadium and be forced to play their remaining consequenceless matches at someone else's empty stadium. Thus proving that Those People are everywhere.

bulletQ: What do you get if you find out you've been paying child maintenance for 14 years for a girl who isn't your daughter?
bulletA: A court telling you to carry on paying regardless.

bullet The government is plotting to dump the blame for the exclusion of WahWey from developing Britain's 5G phone network on the House of Frauds, which is expected to reject enabling legislation on the grounds that all Chinese companies are obliged to spy for their government and have no option about this.

markerLessons, Schmessons
There's a lot of investigating going on into those involved in playing musical people with the elderly when hospitals were clearing the decks for the Chinese plague.
   Cynics are Xpecting the probes to give the investigators something to do to pretend they're earning their pay but no one Xpects anything useful to come out of the process.

Far Queue symbol Failing to remove hate speech by Those People is costing auntisocial meeja publishers zillions of advertising dollars. Hate against white people seems to be particularly prevalent.

markerFully clothed self-interest
Ageing female luvvies are urging their younger counterparts to project an air of unshaggability and to make this the industry standard for the post-plague acting industry's future.
   Their hope is to create more opportunities for oldies by eliminating youth, beauty and expectations of availability from female acting parts.

bullet Ten million infections (not deaths) in a world population of 7,000 million humans is fairly trivial on a planetary scale.

markerToo much bloody grovelling, you luvvies
If it is now fashionable for white actors to apologize for voicing cartoon characters of other ethnic origin, wot next?
   The people who did Mickey Mouse, Bugs Rabbit, Woody Woodpecker et al being required to spend time in the stocks for voicing cartoons of another species? Sheesh!

reader comment“Rugby fans don't need to be educated about slavery. They should just be allowed to go and watch a rugby match, and sing the anthem if they want to, without being cudgelled with someone else's problem.” M.T.

bullet Quite a good not me, Gov is: "When there is hate in the world, there will be hate on FakeBuk."

Far Queue symbol The anti-police, anti-other people having money gang think setting up a guillotine in front of the home of the Amazon boss in Washington, D.C., is a good way of frightening the world into letting them take charge.

markercross symbol Looking too much like China's president-for-life is a criminal offence, as an opera singer discovered when his auntiesocial meeja account was blockaded because he was "violating the leader's looks".
   Anyone making a living as a lookalike here should be trembling? It certainly sounds like a bandwagon onto which the looney left will leap with enthusiasm.

markerHysterical Historical
If the BLAME Bunch get their way, everything Roman will be abolished, selling Roman coins will become a criminal offence and teaching Latin in schools will be banned because of the Roman state's endorsement of slavery. Hadrian's wall and other surviving structures, including most of Chester, will have to be flattened.
   Much the same fate will overtake Britain's "Viking Heritage" sites; York will pretty well disappear; when the BLAME bunch get round to the Norsemen.

Far Queue symbol The Cabinet Sec., M. Sedwill, is being damned with faint praise as he is ousted as an obstructive waxwork in the coming civil service purge of people with a brain the size of a planet but no talent for doing things and/or a talent for grabbing more jobs than they can handle. Especially out of favour are the Sedwills with a track record for gloating about their own record of Bremoaner vindictiveness.

Far Queue symbol Sir Kreepy is finding himself in the confusing position of moaning at the government for not reopening schools whilst backing the teaching unions, which want their members to stay on paid holiday.

bullet The Republicans in the US have settled on an all lives matter line and they're rejecting a focus on just black lives as the gang promoting it combines a ray-sist agenda with a wrecker-left agenda. Predictably, the focusists are throwing major wobblies.

markerDon’t mention the (possibility of) war
The Royal Navy's 2 big, new aircraft carriers are liable to run out of stuff—grub, ammo, etc.—because the useless waxworks at the top of the War Ministry food chain have failed to ensure enuff supply ships are available for the job of keeping them stocked up.
    [Just as well they're stuck in harbour most of the time. Ed.]
updateLarge drones could be the solution to the supply problem. They would have plenty of room to land on an aircraft carrier, even in a bit of weather.

bullet Plants, including trees, shrubs, fruit and vegetables, have been found to be hoovering microplastics out of the environment, so that's that problem solved.

bullet J. Rees-Mogg, MP, has come up with a cunning ruse to preserve safe spacing in pubs—serving beer in yards. Encouraging drinkers to swing them around a bit should complete the job.

Far Queue symbol The rail unions are up in arms over the government's refusal to rule that their members need not stray more than 2 metres from their homes whilst enjoying full pay & perks. They are now confecting a national strike in pursuit of this goal.

markerbullet Lack of income from parking fines, bus lane invasion fees and other impositions on the motorist is driving a number of profligate local councils into bankruptcry. Cashinski Labour-run councils which awarded 50-60% rises in councillors' allowances are doing particularly badly.
   [bankruptcry—that's bankruptcy with crocodile tears. Ed.]

Far Queue symbolOnly Aussies could consider chess to be ray-sist because white always has the first move by custom and practice.
reader comment“Just adds ammo to the proposition that all rachel grievances are confected.” N.K.
reader comment“There's certainly nothing rachel around @ the level of seriosity of the current WAGwars outbreak.” A.H.

bullet Officers of the Kent constabulary are in trouble for starting an Only Gipsy Lives Matter campaign using taxpayers' cash for their patronising virtue-flaggery.

bullet Cambridge U. is in the dock on a hypocrisy charge for pretending that it defends the right of its academics to Xpress lawful opinions.
reader comment“There's nothing like uni bosses for putting the demic into academic.” Y.T.

bullet Being a white person who has not been a beneficiary of white privilege is not a criminal offence on the Isle of Man.

bullet BLAME UK? With no capitalism, who's going to be able to afford to go to a football match or watch one on TV?
reader comment“Maybe it's all a plot to put an end to Gary bloody Linkeker. No cash, no BBC, no him.” E.M.
reader comment“I'd buy that for a dollar. If I had a dollar with no capitalism and no cash.” K.M.

tick symbol The boss of the Marston pub chain reckons the way to get the nation boozing again is to cut the pub VAT rate to 5% and make wearing masks voluntary so a pub doesn't look like a clinic. Same with leaving details of who the customers are.

Far Queue symbol Mhega whinge by Mhegan? Not bloody bothered.

markerWalking on a beach in bare feet is not a good idea, given the amount of broken glass left behind by last week's heat-wave invaders. 500,000 invaders = 33 tons of litter.

bullet The teenage Chancellor has decided that people have plenty of cash and they need to know that VAT won't be reduced anytime soon so they'd better just bite the bullet and get on with spending it.

cross symbol The Church of England is to abolish all works of art in its collection that feature J.H. Christ because he is depicted as too male and white to comply with current diversity standards. Quite a big bonfire is Xpected.
bullet BUT . . . The plan to wipe history clean of all stains, real and mostly imagined, does not include females. Those People are confirming this by their selective purgations.

bulletDefinitions for Today—DMV: Dozey Moronic Vegetables
Usbologist: self-interest group server, positive
Thembologist: self-interest group server, negative

bullet Maths teachers are struggling to introduce diverse racial identities into their lessons. Calculus is proving to be a particularly difficult area.

Some lives don't matterFor example . . .
The sociopath who chucked that French kid off the Tate gallery, the sociopath who killed 3 people in Reading, the one who stabbed 6 people in Glasgow, the pair of Putin stooges who did the Salisbury poisonings (and everyone who sent them here), the Yorkshire Ripper, the Moors Murderers, I. Amin, S. Hussein, M. Gaddaffy, R. Mugabe and all his crew, the people persecuting 3 cops who didn't terminate G. Floyd for responsibility evasion purposes . . . how long have you got?

bullet The areas of Leicester where the Chinese plague is multiplying are stocked with people who don't speak English and don't observe safe spacing. Unfortunately, their ethnicity prevents anyone in authority from mentioning this.
bulletBLAME demos are getting the blame for a spike in Birmingham.

bullet "Are you really pleased to see me, or has the Chinese plague put blood clots in your todger and given you a severe case of priapism?" This piece of research published in France gives us a bit of a change from the old 'gun in your pocket' routine.

Far Queue symbol BLAME badges are being ditched right, left and centre once luvvies find out that what the blamists are really about is abolishing capitalism, which means that luvviedom will also be history.

markerProtection, Schmotection
marker The waxworks in charge of the safety of Royals, politicians & VIPs have decided they can't be bothered doing the job properly any more and they're just going to give up.
   If confronted by a mad terrorist, those in danger will have to call for help using their phone and the VIPapp service and hope to be still alive if there is anyone on duty who can be bothered to turn out with something more lethal than a taser.

Far Queue symbol Cambridge U. seems to have appointed a Professor of Hate Studies. How very diverse of it!

bullet A million bucks to listen to a woke whinge from Prince Hairy? Sounds like a really wonderful deal.

markerMammon Massacres Meddlers
Gone with the Wind has been hauled out of the diversity dustbin in the interests of making a more money out of the film. It has therefore been awarded Cultural Icon status and a high degree of untouchability.
   All the rights owners have done to achieve this transformation is to strap on a 4 minute whinge before the film, knowing that discerning customers will just fast-forward through it.

markerReinventing the traffic jam
The RAC reckons that 10 million motorists will be driving around, most of them fairly aimlessly, on Super Saturday just to find out if they remember how to do it. [And which side of the road to do it on? Ed.]
   The 10 million guess comes from a survey of just 1,400 motorists.
   Many will not have a valid MoT certificate or a roadworthy vehicle, thanks to the interruption of the Chinese plague.

bullet Anyone visiting an outdoor drinkery on Super Saturday will have to contend with gale force winds and 2" of rain whilst consuming a drink—which will start off as booze and end up 100% rainwater!

cross symbol The etiquette Xperts of Debrette's are heading for trubble with some of their locko advice. F'rinstance, a party host telling a guest, "I wish I could give you a hug" is liable to be blasted to bitz by a wave of indignation from a militant personist.
reader comment“Paper plates instead of the best china and paper cups for the wine @ dinner parties (safely spaced)? A towel apiece in each of the bathrooms for every guest? And learning how to smile with your eyes if you're wearing a mask? Life, but not as we kno it, Jim.” R.W.

bullet China is planning to restore order in Hong Kong by waging a campaign of suppression against the dissidents and forcing them to emigrate to the UK or anywhere else which will provide them with a passport.

markerreader comment“Why should we believe that heather burnt off Lancashire's moors by wildfires started by locko loonies with portable BBQs will never return, as some Xperts are claiming? How do they think the heather got there in the first place if not by natural transportation? And there were never any fires on the moors due to natural causes in the past? Come on!” P.J.

markerAnother sloping playing field
The EbloodyU would like the UK to pay for its CoCO19 vaccine procurement plan but be at the back of the queue, as a non-member, when the vaccine is handed out. Another occasion for just saying no.
reader comment“An uncompromising invitation to fuck in the direction of off and keep on going till their hats float would be more appropriate.” N.A.D.

Far Queue symbol All fat people must stay in locko until they shed their excess weight, which makes them particularly vulnerable to the Chinese plague. This is likely to be the next diktat from the nation's health nanny.

bullet Today's Matters Most is a man's right to claim he's a woman 'coz men's rights trump all others all the time.

markerInconvenient evidence
The Japanese research team on Antarctica is in big trubble with the Warmists. They have dared to publish data showing that Adélie penguins are actually thriving with less sea ice around because they can get to their feeding zones to munch some krill with much less effort.
   It's more or less a repeat of the polar bear extinction myth @ the other end of The Planet. One minute, the Warmists were claiming they were dying out and rattling a begging bowl. The next, they were cursing on the sidelines after a count of bears was released showing that polar bear numbers have increased by 50% over the last 15 years.

Far Queue symbol Those People are trying to ban the term Old Master even though the people it is applied to are generally old, masters and men. It's that last category which really bugs the hell out of their tiny minds.

bulletQ: What sort of a pisant chess player could be 'offended' by their opponent making a wildly eccentric opening move to spice things up a bit?
bulletA: No need to go further than 'pisant'.

Far Queue symbol The Putinocracy is learning @ last. A 78% rigged vote in favour of making him president for life achieves Xactly the same result as a 101% rigged vote.

Far Queue symbol Police cordons have been established along English borders to prevent infiltration from locked down Wales and Scotland over the Super Weekend.

bulletQ: How do you know that letting the head civil service mandarin, who has grabbed more jobs than he can handle, take a walk is a good idea?
bulletA: From the number of ex-head mandarins who are sounding off indignantly because they think it's a dig at their multitude of failures to deliver when they were in charge.

Maybe 0.5 of a cheer
The Europeon boss of the WHO is washing his hands over a vaccine for the Chinese Plague. He reckons that even if one is invented, it won't work for everybody, given the general level of diversity and sheer awkwardness of human beans.
[What a little ray of sunshine he is! Ed.]
bulletThe D.G. of the WHO is just as gloomy, Xpecting the virus to be around . . . pretty much forever.

bulletQ: Did MI5 plot to assassinate the uncrowned Edward VIII or is it just a story stitched together out of a few disconnected facts to plug a book?
bulletA: Phew! That's a really, really difficult question!

Logic vs Data
Fat people have a higher average body temperature. Viruses die @ a body temperature above 38 deg.C, which is why the human body responds to them with a fever state. So why are we being told obese people are especially at risk from the Chinese plague rather than safer from it?

All mouth and trousers
bullet Sir Kreepy Steamer [right] contemplates a "press up or push off" challenge, hoping that President Boris won't tell him to put his dosh where his quacker is.
    Whatever happened to dignity? Could anyone imagine Sir W. Churchill doing press-ups to prove he was as fit as a butcher's dog?
reader comment“Could you imagine wartime Winny being able to do press-ups? Sometimes, dignity is the perfect alibi.” H.W.
reader comment“No surprise that Sir bloody Kreepy has no bloody dignity and he's pretending he could whup President Boris in a press-ups contest, knowing that Boris has too much dignity to get involved in such a silly stunt.” S.G.
[But only just, on the dignity front! Ed.]

Far Queue symbol Labour leader Sir Kreepy Steamer is trying to blag himself a free flu jab when this year's potion becomes available. Nothing like thinking of No. 1.

Far Queue symbol The BBC considers it a hanging offence to refer to Scotland's wee First Meenister as Wee Burney because freedom of expression does not apply to the Beeb as it has become an alien concept to the waxworks in charge.

bulletQ: How much difference is there, CoCO19 transmission-wise, between a train full of maskless commuters and a suburban rave party?
bulletA: Depends what sort of answer you want in the 'harmless to deadly' spectrum and, therefore, which Xpert you consult.

Far Queue symbol The Mercedes Formula One team has gone ray-sist by painting the formerly Silver Arrows black.
reader comment“We can't possibly support a ray-sist team. Which is just as wall as F1 has become terribly boring & processional & unwatchable.” A.P.

bulletAttention everyone with cash to spend—do it now 'coz President Boris is dropping hints about tax rises to pay for his build, build, build agenda.
[Or it might just be a bluff and a scare story. Ed.]

bullet President Boris has revealed that he will not be bullied into kneeling down for the BLAME mob. Good for him.

reader comment“Coppers in Devon & Cornwall sitting outside pubs, timing people to make sure they don't spend more than 2 hours inside thanks to the whim of their Chief constable, who will have the pants sued off him if his gang try to arrest anyone for doing something that's not against the law? You couldn't make it up.” R.L.

reader comment“Condiments of the season dished up in eateries in individual disposable packs complete with a disposable scalpel to hack them open?” G.W.

bullet North Korea boss Kim J-u has been forced out of hiding again by a Japanese rumour that he has croaked. Or maybe it was one of the lookalikes.

bullet G. Maxwell is being threatened with imprisonment in the same New York gaol where the formerly rich J. Epstein was done in as a means of making her realize that saying what the prosecutors want to hear is a brilliant idea.

markerMan (and woman) management
The Chinese government is so eager to export dissenters in Hong Kong that it is offering £100K a pop for successful prosecutions that move an inconvenient body to the obscurity of a mainland gaol.
   Foreign news agencies in Honkers can also expect an extended period of harassment if they dare to reveal what is really going on there.
   None of this is doing WahWey's chances of getting involved in 5GUK a great deal of good.

bullet If the prime minister's dad wants to ignore his son's advice not to travel unless it's essential, that's his business and nowt to do with President Boris.

bulletVandals have attacked the iconic Little Mermaid statue in Copenhagen, leaving the police at a loss over which bunch of self-righteous looneys has taken the hump at it.

bulletBy choosing a faceless bureaucrat as his new prime minister, Pres. MacRon of France has effectively done a Putin and claimed the job for himself, the Xperts reckon.

bullet If you want to get sworn at, be a mask-wearing foreigner anywhere in Sweden.

markercross symbol The Chinese have invented a new type of swine flu—a strain of the virus which caused a pandemic in 2009. They reckon it has the potential to be able to infect humans. Ta, for that.
tick symbol Nightingale hospitals are being converted into cancer test centres to tackle the backlog in that area, which is really HUGE. Nice to see all that investment of time, cash & effort isn't going completely to waste.

reader comment“How limp a virtue flag is a parody of da Vinci's Last Supper featuring a version of J.H. Christ with a heavy suntan?” M.B.

bullet British service personnel have been ordered to keep off their knees and stay out of commie-flavoured politics.
bullet Former coppers are daring to say that they wish the current limp leaders of the police would take the same action.

Far Queue symbol Oh, dear! The BLAME Bunch are in trouble for sliding into anti-Semitism, which seems to be the natural direction of all entitled lefty loonies.

markerCustomers Beware: The police are really keen to fine and arrest as many people as they can for locko-laxo violations.

Far Queue symbol The ineffective quango Public Health England is to be loaded with all the failures associated with the Chinese plague and abolished at the end of the year.
bullet Public Health Scotland, which is not bothering to check that people who flew in to the country are actually doing their two weeks in quarantine, is unlikely to suffer the same fate as SNAFU rules north of the border and nothing much works with Wee Burney in charge.

bullet Sky is trying to put the slavery brand on the expression 'nitty gritty', which is a rather knotty grotty move.
bullet Also, Sky pundits can't use 'minefield' as it can be thought to be disrespectful to miners.

markerPutting him in the firing line
Is it necessarily a good idea to erect a statue to the bloke who is being offered as Britain's first non-white professional footballer?
   As well as providing another pooping ground for pigeons, it will become a target for graffiti-sprayers (in the interests of rachel equality) and also those who have embraced the hobby of statue toppling—again, in the interests of rachel equality.

markercross symbol Europe's worst drivers are the French and Greeks (rudest), Swedes (drive too fast and too close to another car), the Dutch (persistent undertakers) and the Spanish (loud and horn-tooty). And Danes (no consideration for anyone but themselves).

markerIt gets worse
Another thing that putting the boot in to HK has achieved is settling the Taiwan Question.
   The only way the mainland regime will gets its paws on this offshore offshoot now is via a full-scale military invasion, which won't do mainland China's world trade prospects; with countries which have money; a scrap of good.
   Which means that what happens next will be a triumph either for control freakery or dosh-grubbing.

bulletSpeciality of the Day: fricken chicassee

bullet Retro Views
reader comment“It's just like being deported back in the 1960s with everyone spaced out.” F.Z.
reader comment“Except, they're not zonked on chemicals, they're doing it to avoid being wiped out by a plague from China.” R.W.
reader comment“Or maybe both to take their minds off being in locko.” S.A.

markerManufactured myths
Are 'deprived' areas disproportionately affected by the Chinese plague? Of course, they aren't. It's just the natural order of things.
   People who have done well for themselves, through their own efforts and/or sheer luck, will always be better able to cope with just about anything. Except, perhaps, a home invasion by armed bad guys. Something that poor people tend not to have to worry about.

Far Queue symbol Miserable Git of the Month? Has to be Liberal figurehead Edstone Davey for trying to sleaze the blesséd Deliverer of Brexit N. Farage.

bullet One consequence of closing public toilets is a liberal sprinkling of human raw sewage among the tons of litter left by the mobs of trippers.
reader comment“500,000 Mobile Sewage Factories = one hell of a lot of pollution!” R.W.

 WEEK 2 

bulletThings are in a pretty disastrous state if the Honcho Inspector of Constabulary reckons that police chiefs are not competent to set police priorities and the Home Sec. of the day should get this gig. Things like police farces failing to prosecute someone who steals less than £200 from a shop add ammunition to the conclusion. So does burglary, theft and assault victims getting little or no service from the police.

bullet There used to be an F1 driver who became known as Andrea de Crasheris. He must have opened a driving school and sent his customers to complete in this year's Austrian GP.
bullet Flying the flag for diversity of opinion, half a dozen drivers didn't do a BLAME Bunch kneel before the GP.

bullet The National Trust for Scotland is getting no change out of Wee Burney's minions. The Culture Sec. there reckons propping the NTS up during lockdown is not at all 'tenable'.
reader comment“Putting the past in peril by not propping up NTS is larding the lemon a bit. Despite the best efforts of the wreckers, the past has a habit of refusing to go away, especially if it's inconvenient.” R.W.
reader comment“No doubt the English taxpayer will be expected to cough up, as usual.” L.N.

cross symbol The Warmists are promising spells of 40 deg.C. during the British summer @ the end of the century, when just about everyone around now will be conveniently dead and no one will remember this rhubarb.

bullet This year's GCSEs in French, German & Spanish will be worthless pieces of paper as the customers will not have to take an oral exam and demonstrate that they can speak the language.

bullet China has decided not to get too deeply into confrontation with the Indians over the Himalayan valley which China is trying to annex. They're obviously not too sure how mad they can get the Indian government without tripping them over the edge into pushing the nuclear button.

markerbullet An Xpert his putting his money on the Chinese plague having been lurking around various parts of the world for YEARS before it exploded in Wuhan.
bullet If you have Neanderthal genes, Xperts in Germany and Sweden reckon, you might be at particular risk from the Chinese plague. Ta, for that.

bullet Spanish people have the hump about being cleared off beaches to make way for cash-bearing British holidaymakers.

bullet Sir Kreepy is going to take training in how to have an unconscious bias to rachelism? Is that what he said? It will certainly put him in good odour with the Corbynsteiners.

bullet The inevitable backlash starts in California—a BLAME mural paid for out of the public purse was splattered with black paint within hours of its completion.

markerNine of Diamonds Situation
Labour's brand new Education Sec. wannabe from north of the border would have us believe that teachers have been working flat out since February and need a summer holiday.
   She has yet to respond to an invitation to give all the flat-outers a name check, even though this will take no more than a couple of minutes.

bulletQ: How many people behaving responsibly does it take to create an irresponsible mob?
bulletA: Depends who is trying to be noticed with a complaint.

bullet Bubonic plague, the killer of the Middle Ages, has resurfaced in Inner Mongolia.

bulletQ: Is £500 MILLION enough to bail out local councils?
bulletA: 500 billion godzillion quid wouldn't be enuff to satisfy those grabbers and wastrels.

bulletQ: Does going to a pub on public transport constitute a 'necessary' journey?
bulletA: Depends how desperate for a drink you are.

bulletQ: What's an easy way to make yourself highly unpopular?
bulletA: Shop someone in a pub as a sneak-out from Leicester.

reader comment“Maybe now would be a good time for Louie Samilton to make the move to Ferrari. It won't make him any less popular.” J.H.
reader comment“It's a real shame that Louie will have to take a pay cut. How can he possible manage on only 20 million quid a year? Just tragic.” S.V.

bullet 60% of Scots would like their First Meenister to throw a wobbly, make a pointless jaunt to Newcastle just to prove she can, and then have to spend 2 weeks in quarantine when she flounces back across the border.

bullet Formula One won't be putting a carpet on the grid before the next race to help kneelers keep their knees clean. And that's likely to put a stop to this poisonous gesture.

Far Queue symbol Telling gambling addicts to do it responsibly. That's going to work.

Far Queue symbol The BBC is in trouble over the explosion of anti-white racialism in podcasts committed by its employees, who seem to be trying to make it the new norm.

bulletQ: What's a good name for a drug dealer who does 100 mph chases with the police through residential areas?
bulletA: Jack Speed, 21.

markerMorons is as morons do
UN logic—gadgets can be made which are designed not to last and not be easy to repair when they croak in order to shove lots of stuff into the recycling mill to wave virtue flags.
   Making stuff which lasts, and which can be repaired easily to avoid wasting vast amounts of dosh on pointless recycling, is clearly something which is far too sensible for the UN to grasp.

bullet Commuters are being encouraged not to use deodorants and not to wash to force everyone using public transport to wear a mask as a matter of self-preservation.

bullet Want to be in a heatwave? Head for Siberia, which is enjoying [? Ed.] temperatures some 10 deg.C above average including a spike of 38 deg.C.

bulletQ: What's a good way to find out what running for your life feels like?
bulletA: Pose for a photograph out in the wilds—near a bear.

bullet Bought too many face masks and you'd like to get rid of some of them? Export them to Germany, where keeping them compulsory for going to shops is still the agenda.

bullet If you prefer illegal parties to night clubs, Spain is the place for you!

markerUp yours, planetary stet devretners!
Despite efforts to sideline the Pluto, the sometimes outer limit of the Sun's planets refuses to run away and hide. NASA's New Horizons voyager revealed a complex surface varying from shades of deep red to purest white. A surface with abundant craters and mysterious structures, and something well worth inclusion in our local family of planets.
   There are 5 moons! Even if 4 of them are just asteroid-like bits of debris left over from the process which formed Pluto's main satellite, Charon, by the same process which produced our own Moon. The NASA mob have identified a huge volcano and they're speculating about a sub-surface ocean and even alien life there! And the atmosphere contains smog strata, just like those over L.A., which makes the red areas of the planet rusty smog fallout.
   Pluto is definitely not a minor planet, interest-wise.
reader comment“The volcano was clearly caused by heat leakage from a nuclear power plant built by the aliens.” R.W.

bulletThey should call it the virus propagation rate for the Chinese plague and use the Greek letter Π to represent it. We'd love to hear the Westmonster waxworks talking about pi-rates.
reader comment“They're already half-way there with 'R' for reproduction rates. Arrrr!, me hearties!” R.W.

bullet What's the daftest locko-laxo rule? Insisting that churches have disposable hymn sheets even though singing is banned to avoid spreading the Chinese plague.

reader comment“If ex-princess Mhegan made a billion quid out of her wedding to Prince Hairy, why does she expect others to pay for her bodyguards?” C.L.
reader comment“Entitled is as entitled does?” P.M.

President Trump opens trade talks with the sabre-rattling Chinese leader,
who is rattling frantically in Hong Kong and the South China Sea . . .


bullet The president of Brazil, like a lot of his subjects, has the Chinese plague. But he reckons he's feeling fine. He obviously has a rather wimpier strain of the plague rather than the one that felled President Boris. President Bolsonaro puts his okayness down to following President Trump's advice and taking hydroxychloroquine.

bulletQ: What has upset the nation's whinge junkies the most so far this month?
bulletA: The PM's dad daring to get away from it all to corona-proof his holiday home in Greece is up there in the top 10.

bullet Excessively precious estate agents are no longer able to talk about a master bedroom as the BLAME bunch have hung a slavery tag on it. Which makes them easier to avoid.

bulletQ: How many Saudis does it take to murder one dissenter?
bulletA: 20, including two aides to the crown prince, the Turkish justice system reckons.

markerWelcome to Cowboy Country. Again.
President Boris's Insulate the Nation campaign is intended to end climate change and get the nation working again. So why does it sound like a happy hunting ground for the nation's cowboys in search of taxpayer-funded subsidies?
   And will there be a special fund to pay the cost of the cost of putting right all the jobs botched by here today, gone tomorrow cowboys? Don't count on it.

Far Queue symbol A couple of places which have cashed in on the Harley Porter franchise are biting the hand of their beneficiary, the author? Scumbags is as scumbags do when they wave their virtue flags.

bulletQ: Is it possible for his former associate, the notorious conman P. Foster, to put anything in his memoirs to damage former prime monster Tony B. Liar?
bulletA: It is impossible to go beyond totally and stoatally irretrievably damaged.

bullet If the key to reaching old age is trusting others, as some Xperts reckon, it's a wonder so many people last past their 30s without becoming suicide bombers with an uncrushable sense of resentment.

bullet MPs don't have to leave details of who they are and where they live when they go boozing @ the taxpayer's expense in House of Commons bars. One law for us . . .

writer comment“Maybe we can swap Hong Kong's enterprising dissenters for the same number of British malcontents who want to live in a communist paradise. Purely in the interests of keeping both populations stable.” A.L.M.

bullet If it has been a bit wet out, its the same old same old. We're getting a month's rain in a couple of days. Again.

Far Queue symbol Prince Hairy would like the British Commonwealth of Nations to apologize to all of its victims? Shouldn't take that long if there are none.

markerNo noise cricket
Spy microphones and a lack of crowd noise are expected to force Test cricketers to stop sledging one another.
   They have been made aware that if some twat complains about a colourful insult, the player who made it could end up working for nothing after a swingeing, virtue-flagging fine.

cross symbol It seems to be beyond the abilities of the cricket authorities to produce virus-free spit-substitute to let bowlers who know how to make a ball swing in the air do their thing. Shame.

bullet The latest bid for the origin of CoCO19 is a Chinese mine full of bat-droppings in Yunnan province back in 2012.

tick symbol A crap rapper [tautology, Ed.] is planning to make a mockery of this year's race to the White House if all the Democraps can put up against President Trump is some ancient looney left guy. He is planning to run for America's top job on a reality TV-style ticket, according to reports. Move over the Monster Raving Looney Party!
bullet He is also hoping for an endorsement from E. Musk, the SpaceX guy, for a run @ the presidency of Mars when it becomes vacant.
reader comment“Doing porno campaign ads should give the TV regulators conniptions if Mr. West goes with the formula that helped to make his missus her zillions.” B.A.
update Mr. West is reported to be somewhat off his nut at the moment, which puts his dash for the White House in doubt.

bulletQ: Why are Leicester's sweatshops free from harassment by 'elf 'n' narzi inspectors, the police and the minimum wage mob?
bulletA: Diversity with neo-serfdom in play.

markerStay put and just do it?
If there aren't going to be any crowds of spectators, there's no real point in the usual F1 travelling circus this year.
   They might as well run all the races around the Österreich Ring and this season's champion will be the guy who can get it right more of the time than anyone else. Would work.

bullet The Shock of the Day @ the first Austrian Grand Prix was definitely seeing a McLaren driver on the podium after their long string of car design disasters.

bulletQ: Is driving while black in the sort of car favoured by drug dealers a criminal offence?
bulletA: Some Metropolitan Police officers think so.
reader comment“The rich lady athlete with the posh car, who objected to being stop 'n' copped for matching the profile of a drug dealer, ought to direct a rant @ the members of her ethnic group who have made a lifestyle similar to hers characteristic of their sub-group. Not much chance that she will, though.” C.M.

bulletQ: Is a court competent to decide who is the more monstrous, filmist J. Depp or his discarded wife?
bulletA: Probably not, but the Court of Public Opinion would probably go for the one who thinks pooping in the marital bed is just a harmless prank.
reader comment“Dumper Heard? That's a brilliant association for an actress who hopes to get any serious work to have!” E.B.
reader comment“Definitely someone you wouldn't invite to spend the night chez vous!” W.H.
reader comment“You can definitely see why Mr. Depp is longing for Heard immunity!” F.P.

Bill Tidy Cloggie doing a Flying ArkwrightNever mind taking a knee, lets get on with giving a knee and aiming somewhere that will do most good
or “Let the Arkwrights fly”, sez Little John

reader comment“Something you might not realize is that the knee people kneel on when doing the black power salute has a different significance, left or right. Using the correct knee makes the difference between being called slightly or totally ray-sist.” T.N.

Far Queue symbol The wheels of justice certainly grind slow in Texas, where it took 27 years to line up an 18-year-old for execution for killing a man of 82 to steal his truck. Plus a further 5-month delay due to the Chinese plague.

bulletQ: Does it make sense to mine in the north-east of England, the coal required for turning iron into steel here in Britain instead of importing coal from abroad?
bulletA: Yes, but try getting a government full of global warming fraudsters and their stooges to understand this.

markerElastic attitudes
Some Xperts reckon that people who take cash out of their pension fund early are heading for poverty in old age. Others reckon that having a plurge in your 50s is very beneficial.
   Which just goes to confirm that the day all the experts in a particular field agree on something, the Universe will drop to bitz from shock.

tick symbol The teenage Chancellor confidently Xpects Britain's debt mountain to be brought under control by the end of the century. Barring further bumps in the road. He is just the bloke to take the difficult decisions needed.
reader comment“If Mr. Snack wants to win a few friends, he should oblige hospitals to provide free parking for their staff. Or maybe just the front-liners. If President Boris will let him.” E.G.

bullet The government has blown £10 BILLION on a track 'n' trace system that doesn't work and £15 BILLION on overpriced Personal Protection Equipment. No wonder the National Debt is heading north of £3 TRILLION.

bullet Just because the bosses of the UK branch of WahWey won't comment on China's new repressive security law in Hong Kong because they know what's good for them, that's being taken as proof that the company is under the thumb of the Chinese government. How outrageous!

Far Queue symbol When it comes to foreign tourists, only visitors from the United States and China are more hated than the British in Europe, especially in France, Germany, Italy and Spain. Which probably explains why the exchange rate between the pound and the euro is such a rip-off.

The latest explanation for why it has been so easy to award Britain the highest death rate from the Chinese plague is that we got off lightly during the last two winter flu seasons.
   The theory is that lots of the people most vulnerable to the plague were wiped out by flu in Europe but not here, and the Chinese plague has been playing catch-up in Britain.

Far Queue symbol The NHS needs a good kicking after its period of adoration, the Xperts reckon, otherwise the people who perpetrated the 3 lengthy periods of scandal exposed by the Daily Mail will just get away with it and go on to damage more lives.

Far Queue symbol O.J. Corbynstein is preparing to sue the teenage Chancellor of the Exchequer for stealing his Magic Money Forest.

bullet No more circuses—that's the future. They are being driven into Xtinction by the Chinese plague.

Far Queue symbol White employees of the City of Seattle are being forced to take unwhiteness training to convince them that being white is a truly dreadful condition, for which they should apologize every day of their life.

markerAnd here in the UK . . .
Oh, dear! All estate agents are going to have to take training to combat the unconscious nationality bias that afflicts their ranks.
   The Xperts have concluded that they drool over anyone with a French accent, they just about tolerate anyone with a native British accent and they can be positively rude to potential customers from Africa, eastern Europe and the Middle East.

bullet The people selling face masks @ inflated prices are lobbying for them to be made compulsory for trips to shops here.

bulletQ: How do you get away with stealing £700,000 from your employer?
bulletA: Claim you could catch the Chinese plague if you're sent to gaol.

bullet The BBC is seeking original ways to be ray-sist and bigoted about white people. All suggestions on a PC to the DG.
reader comment“That word 'bigot' is of unknown origin according to my dictionary. Leaving me wondering whether the key part of the word is 'bi'—having twice as much bile as anyone else, or 'big'—referring to the size of the gall bladder.” R.W.
reader comment“No wonder the "Defund the BBC" campaign is getting so much support.” T.H.

markerNot an easy ‘that’ to get out of
Hollywood's film industry is stuck in a deep hole over the problem of who plays a woman who has been rebuilt to look like a man. A female actor? A male one? A rebuilt female actor? And would a rebuilt bloke get a look in?
[Probably not. Ed.]

reader comment“Is the firm Radio Rental still going or has this piece of rhyming slang faded into obscurity?” B.B. [Yup. Ed.]

Far Queue symbol The Chinese plague is turning British teenagers into a generation of idle, druggie criminals with a rent-a-mob mentality. Foot-dragging by the teaching unions can only make things worse.

cross symbol The Xperts have got it wrong over working out who has had the Chinese plague, the Xperts reckon. They should be looking for T-cells rather than antibodies.
   This is an essential part of a campaign to 'prove' that millions have been exposed to the Chinese plague and the official numbers are out by a factor of at least 100.

bullet Cancelling the Cancel Cult? Feels like a great masthead slogan for next month's BFN.
reader comment“What gives the Tosspot Tendency the right to abuse the name Karen?” S.C.
The Bigot Tree is thriving . . .
bulletQ: How many pseudo-academics and journalists are upset to the point of demanding the targets of their displeasure be cancelled because Those People don't think people who are white, wealthy and endowed with a massive platform should be allowed to enjoy freedom of speech?
bulletA: 150 and counting. All of whom should be freshly squeezed.
[This item expressing the views of Those People was added in the interests of completeness. Make of it what you will. Ed.]

bullet President Boris refusing to kneel for the BLAME Bunch has the approval of two-thirds of Brits, who object to people being bullied into making join-in gestures.

We’re still getting crap like this:

From: Campus de Alfenas <"\"\"">
Subject: Covid-19 Support Group
Date: 11/07/2020 17:30


This is to inform you that exceptional COVID-19 Social Relief distress
grant of 1,500,000.00EURO have been awarded to you by 
World Health Organization.

You are therefore advised to send the following information to the
W.H.O Trust Fund to process your claim

Full Name:
Contact Address:
Mobile Number:
Marital Status:
Country of Residence:

send the following information to the W.H.O Trust Fund to process your
claim [ ]

COVID-19 is real, Please follow W.H.O instruction and all Government
and Health Authority Advise. Together we can assist the World to fight
this pandemic and make the world safer for us all.

Covid-19 Support Group
World Health Organization.

This email has been checked for viruses by Avast antivirus software.

reader comment“Boris's dad has really upset the self-righteous community. He doesn't have a public sector job they can demand he resign from. Rotten or what!” Occasional Bling

Freshly Squeezed
Rather like what Britain's finances will be by the time Chancellor Snack stops trying to shake all the leaves off the Magic Money Forest.

markerAlso squozen
Vettel out from a collision with his team mate on lap 1 of the Austrian Grand Prix Take Two and Leclerc had to give up on lap 5. Not a great day out for Ferrari. Ocon's Renault croaked on lap 26/71 then it was any action taking place down the field during the parade to a Mercedes 1-2 finish. Valkerie Bottle still leads the series.
reader comment“Is it my imagination or has Louie Samilton been cancelled for crimes against Bernie E.?” A.P.
[We always encourage our readers to use their imagination. Ed.]

bullet Anti-obesity campaigners don't know whether to clap the government for President Boris' plan to ban junk food deals or boo Chancellor Rikishi Snack's "go out and binge on cut-price meals" campaign.
reader comment“Mr. Snack is certainly living up to his name!” R.W.

Far Queue symbol The civil service is frantically [tactically? Ed.] trying to sleaze President Boris' man D. Cummings ahead of the hard rain, which is about to fall on the slackers and waste-of-spacers.

bullet The police tactic for preventing illegal raves seems to be harassing the DJs who organize them in the hope of putting them off.

Knee of Grace We appear to have a choice between 1. letting the Chinese government and its gangs of useful idiots spy on us and plunder all our commercial and technical secrets, and 2. a trade war.
   Not much of a choice, really.

bulletQ: What do you get if you book a seaside holiday in parts of Europe, e.g. Croatia and Spain?
bulletA: A chance to sleep on the beach because your hotel isn't open.

markerS n e e e e e e z e !
Particleologists are in a merciless war to claim the world record for keeping a micro-droplet, which could be bin laden with the Chinese plague, airborne for the longest time. A float of hours is the current standard.
   A whole day of danger remains the gold standard. And there are even Xperts around who believe they can achieve the platinum standard of one week of circulation.
bullet There is a parallel war on-going to achieve a world record travel distance for a potentially virus-laden micro-droplet beyond the bog standard of 2 metres.

bulletQ: If you set up a FakeBuk webcam in a nest box for owls, what do you get?
bulletA: Banned for showing adult nudity and sexual activity.
[Go figure—but don't expect an explanation from FakeBuk, who are permanently out. Ed.]
reader comment“Further proof that FakeBuk, Gooble and the like are run by aliens from nowhere near our galaxy.” Chin Arama

reader comment“Care homes were bribed to take in customers from hospitals? If they were charging customers a grand a week, they were doing a pretty good job of taking in the customers already.” G.K.

bulletQ: How do you beat U. Bolt's world record for sprinting 200 metres?
bulletA: Get the organizers to put your starting blocks only 185 metres from the tape.

bullet Britain's wildlife faces Xtinction due to litter louts & fly-tippers. Birds & beasties will keep on scoffing trash—and croaking when it clogs them up inside—until there are none left.

cross symbol Things keep blowing up in Iran. Factories have gone up in smoke with attendant power cuts, a health centre in Tehran exploded. A set of gas tanks went up near a military complex and warehouses under construction near a nuclear site have been flattened.
   Israeli warmongers are getting the blame, natch.

tick symbol The British government has decided to be included out of the EbloodyU's vaccine scheme for the Chinese plague. It has been confirmed that Britain would be expected to fund the programme but be at the back of the queue when the vaccine is handed out as a non-member.

bulletQ: If you're related to someone well-known, such as the president of a country as big as the United States, what do you do?
bulletA: Sleaze him frantically in a book and hope to make a ton of cash, even if it ends up in the fiction section of bookshops.

reader comment“A good way to nark Those People would be to organize a dwarf-hurling event and launch it under the banner of A Game of Throwns.” Thal Shi’ur

bullet Just 12% of Brits want life to return to normal when the Chinese plague emergency is over. The rest would rather stay at home, out of the rat race and away from external family and not terribly brilliant friends.

bullet Leicester's sweatshops are allowed to get away with it because the police are afraid of being called ray-sist if they do anything about them. Same story as for the kiddie-fiddlers of Indian sub-continent origin.

bullet Prince Hairy is finding L.A. as disconnecting as wife Mhegan found England. Maybe the solution for them is to split the difference and live 3,000 miles away from each place; in New York.

bullet Locko is having a severely degenerative effect on the human brain if some self-appointed Xpert can claim that there's a scientifically approved method of tying shoelaces.

 WEEK 3     Applying the Knee of Grace to Those People

markerAny old Xcuse for a punch-up
It had to happen—Blue Lives Matter protesters, who support the police, and MAGA (Make America Great Again) subscribers getting into a confrontation with the BLAME Bunch in New York outside Trump Tower, where the BLAME bunch have been allowed to paint graffiti on the roadway. And more of the same going on all over the place—and helping to create new records for spreading the Chinese plague.

markerXperts in Chile are trying to prove that the mysterious Planet Nine, which was declared to be Pluto, is actually a grapefruit-size black hole. Good luck with confirming that, guys!

bullet Hollywood's film industry is now officially a haven of reverse ray-sism and a toxic environment for anyone who is white, middle-aged and any good at anything.

markerIf you have to be wearing a face mask to go into a shop to buy something, how do you get in to the shop to buy a mask in the first place?
reader comment“It's a great Xcuse for not paying the Council Tax, saying they wouldn't let you in to the Post Office because you didn't have a mask.” R.W.

markerWho cares who, or what, gets hurt if the pictures are great?
The SPCA is the US is on the case of the FBI and the cops who made G. Maxwell's cat flee in terror after being injured by debris sent flying by the home invasion using a battering ram. Something which has been exposed as totally unnecessary and done just for the news cameras. The cat's identity is currently being shielded as a protection against exploitation.
reader comment“If the experience of Sir C. Richard here in England is anything to go by, the cops turn up with maximum meeja and maximum unnecessary force when they have nothing worthwhile in the way of evidence and they're trying to sleaze their victim into submission.” M.M.

bullet Mr. Internet will tell you that wearing a face mask deprives the brain of oxygen and causes brain damage. Taking what you read on Mr. Internet seriously can have the same damaging effect.
reader comment“If you have to wear a mask on a beach, are there waterproof ones available so that you can go for a swim? And will they protect you from all the sewage in the sea?” Carmine Apollo
reader comment“More to the point, are there waterproof ones for shopping trips on days when it's chucking it down with rain?” Urbane Legend
reader comment“On days like that, you wear your plastic face shield with extra-strength windscreen wipers.” Poulo Majolko

markerEcowars loom . . .
The self-appointed guardians of Britain's ecosystem are heading for a major punch-up. On the one hand, there is the "plant a tree everywhere" crew, who are intent on going back to Bronze Age conditions and making everywhere forest. On the other is the rewilding bunch, who want to Bring Bison Back to Britain.
   Bison are desirable, apparently, because they are ecosystem engineers. Which eat the bark off trees and push them over and create more space. That's bound to go down well with the tree-huggers!

bullet If you have more money than sense, you can blow 500 quid on an artificial intelligence toothbrush. No guarantee is offered that it will brush any intelligence into the purchaser.
reader comment“You can bet that Mr. Snack, the Man of the Moment Chancellor, will get one to go with his 180-quid electronic coffee mug. But the toothbrush will have to be able to talk to his phone, like the mug is supposed to be able to do.” Raison Deathtrap
reader comment“He's going to need two phones—one to talk to all the gadgets and one he can use to talk to people.” Dai Lupp

bullet Take a ride on a Japanese rollercoaster and you will have to follow a 'no screaming' rule to avoid spreading the Chinese plague.

marker Xperts are now telling us that working in an office is a Good Thing because desk jobs keep people mentally alert but manual workers end up with memory problems. Anyone calculated how many Xperts have a manual job?

Knee of Grace Stand by for Scotwars north of the border as rejected SNP leader A. Salmonella comes roaring back to sink Wee Burney and trample all over her dream of becoming the first queen of an independent Scotland because the nasty wee besom didn't have his back 100% while he was being hauled through the court system on sex-pest charges.

markerIn Switzerland, the Xperts reckon that office workers returning from working at home should wear a mask if they sit in an open-plan space with air conditioning. Why? Because the aircon is an Xtremely efficient system for transporting clouds of virus-laden particles everywhere to ensure that everyone gets some.

markerHeads or Tails, you lose
The World Health Organization doesn't think masks are needed and safe spacing of 1 metre is enuff. The WHO is advising that droplets showering out of someone afflicted with the Chinese plague (witting or unwitting) can travel 10 metres.
   You're supposed to be, seems to be the message.

bullet China's useful idiots abroad are predicting regular pocketphone blackouts lasting as much as a couple of days here if WahWey is Xcluded from 5GUK. 4GUK will also vanish, probably for even longer breaks. And even the inferior, lesser Gs will croak in sympathy.
reader comment“If more people are working at home, landline connections will provide a better internet service and less pollution of the environment with microwaves, so less 5G will be a Good Thing.” Ghill Footlick
reader comment“5G is needed for driverless cars? With unemployment going through the roof, the last thing we need is people-drivers going on the scrapheap in favour of 5G cars.” Merling Schtoss

bulletQ: If people have to declare their fave pronouns in an email signature, as @ the BBC, can they nominate them for other people?
bulletA: Depends whether scumbag counts as a pronoun.
[It's completely free of gender and race baggage. Ed.]

Far Queue symbol Current Labour leader Sir Kreepy Steamer is all in favour of other people picking up litter on his behalf.

bullet China is starting trade wars with Canada and Australia after they suspended their extradition treaties with Hong Kong and offered a welcome to businesses which wish to relocate and get the hell out of the new, dynamic, thrusting, oppressive China.

bullet Brexit is on course to create abundant jobs among the smuggling community. The onus is now on the waxworks of HMRC to come up with ways to tax the buggers.
reader comment“A 5% sales tax on the stuff aPple unloads in the UK would rake in £70 million/year and be a good start toward filling the Chancellor's plague pit.” R.W.

bullet Reptile dysfunction? No hiss in the snake? Doso Me Thing.

markerOff-the-shelf answer
Global warming is the only solution on offer to the scourge of the Chinese plague, which flourishes at 4 deg.C. Keeping things a lot hotter than that is our only current protection against a second and further spikes until the plague gives up or some bright spark invents a vaccine.

Kerching!We're being told that we're going into the biggest recession for 300 years. What happened back then? Scotland went bust trying to set up a colony in Central America and had to be bailed out by the English, hence the United Kingdom.

cross symbol Some over-zealous museum staff are having to be forcibly restrained when they insist that all of the exhibits must be spaced 2 metres apart as well as the customers "just to be on the safe side".

markerThis month's Maritime Mystery: How did 57 Argentine fishermen manage to test positive for the Chinese plague after 35 days at sea even though they all tested negative before their trawler set sail?
[Maybe the pre-voyage testing wasn't up to much. Ed.]

bullet The Xperts have done their measurements and their sums—and concluded that people who refuse to wear masks and/or observe safe spacing really are somewhat clottish compared to the rest of us.

tick symbol Actors will be allowed to resume doing the industry standard humpy-pumpy sex scenes required in TV dramas now that broadcasters have created a testing regime for the Chinese plague.

markerThink of a number and then bluff
The Salaried Alliance of Government Experts (SAGE) calculated a pi-rate for the Chinese plague of 0.7-1 for May.
   Turns out that some real scientists did a spot of research and found that the actual average pi-rate was 0.57. So much for the sagacity of the SAGEs. But what do Xperts kno anyway?
The race to claim the shortest re-infection time for the Chinese plague is hotting up. The current leaders are the staff at Massachusetts General Hospital in the States, where they put an 82-year-old in intensive care with a dose of the virus, declared him cured, and had to do it all over again 10 days later. [Same positive outcome for the bloke. Ed.]

bulletQ: What is actually wrong (in real-world terms) with an actress doing some acting to play the part of a bloke who has decided he's a woman?
bulletA: It's an offence against woke wonkiness, so nothing to do with the RW.
reader comment“Are cop shows going to have to employ real serial killers in TV episodes about them and real cops to catch them? Sounds like fun!” Hoky P'lastr

cross symbol Typical bloody waxworkism—barbers can trim a bloke's beard and/or moustache but salonistas are banned from sculpting a lady's eyebrows. Sense, but not as we know it, Jim.

Knee of GraceAll Change:
Cap'n Birdseye has been handed his P45 and 'replaced' by an unbearded young lady. And Col. Sanders is counting the days to his replacement by a teenage lance-corporal of uncertain orientation. Who's next?

markerWhat will the future brings for Mr. Snack? His Magic Money Tree dropping dead of exhaustion and he finding himself impaled on the Cactus of Tax Rises?

bullet The world is awash with dosh if rejected PM TheRazor May has been bunged a million quid over the last year for doing naff after-dinner speeches. Maybe Mr. Snack can award her a special tax rate of 150% for pointless earnings.

cross symbolWeird does not command respect as of right
A bloke can pretend to be a woman, a woman can pretend to be a bloke. Or they can both pretend to be asexual, pansexual or something in between. What they don't have is a right to be taken seriously by anyone else.

bulletQ: What's a good way to nark a celebrity chef?
bulletA: Book a table at his newly reopened eatery and don't turn up.
[Next thing you know, there will be a reservation fee payable by debit card when the booking is made. Ed.]

Shopping is no fun any more
Not if you have to hope that the security guard can read English and he/she/it will take the trouble to read your sign before he/she/it starts blasting.

bullet President MacRon wants to make wearing masks compulsory in all indoor spaces in France. So what's stopping him? Typical do-nothing politician. At present, port du masque obligatoire is up to the owner of the indoor space.

reader comment“If any further proof were needed, China's threats of retaliation over exclusion of WahWey from 5GUK has to be the clincher. WahWey is controlled by the Chinese government. No doubt.” Chung P'chung

bullet Xperts in Denmark can now vaccinate mice against the Chinese plague. Which means that it won't wipe out all life on The Planet.

Far Queue symbol The American Crunch team based in Washington D.C., formerly the Redskins, will be rebadged as the Washington Ray-Sists for the coming NFL season. Next stop, the Kansas City Chiefs? And will there be Edmonton Eskimos if the CFL ever restarts?

bullet The Chinese plague is killing lots of people everywhere. But not in Norway, apparently. The funeral industry there has run out of customers and is having to seek a bail-out from the state to keep afloat.

markerThe Chinese plague vs the Laws of the Universe
People keep moaning that it gets dead hot inside a face mask. But the time to worry is when that doesn't happen. A mask wearer is exhaling air at 37 deg.C into what is supposed to be a barrier against airborne bugs outside.
   The mask is bound to heat up if it is doing its job properly. And the only time it won't heat up will be if it is not receiving hot air; in other words, the wearer is dead! But there is a solution, as we revealed in April:

Covidcopter hatCovidcopter™ combined Mask & Hat!

bullet Hot and sticky in a virus protection mask?
bullet The Covidcopter™ combo will remove excess moisture
         and heat from inside the mask for all-day comfort.
bullet The only combined filtration mask and ultra-effective
         forced-draught heat-exchanger system on the market
bullet Home sterilizable for repeated use

Romiley Protection Supplies, 43½ Riverside Drive

Far Queue symbolBenefactor for Xhibitionist
Replacing a statue of Mr. Colston, the Bristol slave trader, with one of a member of the BLAME Bunch is progress? Not in this universe.
reader comment“It's not Xactly easy to have a conversation, as the sculptor who perpetrated the replacement was going on about, if one side cancels everyone with a different opinion.” Mans Praeding
updateThe unauthorized replacement statue was removed in a skip lorry for recycling the following day.
reader comment“Destination the dump would have been more appropriate.” Ivo Ansrohm
reader comment“No chance the perpetrators of the atrocity will be off to Africa to seek apologies from the descendants of the people who sold slaves to Mr. Colston's agents. They're bound to be too ray-sist to think anyone other than white folks made any money out of the slave trade.” Guy Drologist

bulletQ: What do you get if you steal £200,000 from the school that employs you?
bulletA: Away with it.

Knee of GraceNational treasure seeks salvation
Everyone @ the BBC is to be banned from having anything to do with the Henry Wood Promenade Concerts to prevent the event from being polluted by the Beeb's endemic anti-white racialism.
   Something which is long overdue.

bulletQ: What happens if you're chucked off a House of Lords committee for being a groper?
bulletA: The Liberals put you on another one.

bullet New Norms for the Plague Year No. 38:
You can't go into a bank or Post Office unless you're wearing a bank-robber mask and look like you're intent on a stick-up.

bullet The Xperts reckon that the differences between Lancashire and Yorkshire accents are disappearing and the population Up North is developing a new panregional accent, which is educated and urbane as well as northern.

tick symbol Next month, Comrades, you will have the perfect Xcuse for not paying any Council Tax. Claim that wearing a mask distresses you and they wouldn't let you in to the Post Office to make the payment without a mask. No one can argue with that.

bullet Official: speed cameras are placed in good hunting grounds for fines by the police, HM Inspectorate of them has concluded.

cross symbol When it comes to accounting the achievements of the Chinese Plague, right at the top has to be Xposing the degree of anti-white racialism sloshing about in the BLAME community and luvviedom. Nasty bastards is as nasty bastards does.

marker The Health Sec., Hancock's Half Hour, has said that face coverings won't be made compulsory in offices.
   Customers are invited to place their bets on when it will happen, given the government's record for following the science of the moment and that 'science' doing flip-flops all over the place.
writer comment“Maybe he's Xpecting the work-@-home thing to be endorsed by companies and their staff to the extent that so few people will be needed in offices that achieving safe spacing of as much as 5 metres will be a doddle.” J.A.G.

Knee of GraceClottish Quangocrats
The Health Sec. intends to bang heads together @ the quango Public Health England after it was revealed anyone who has ever died after testing positive for the Chinese plague is being recorded as a plague victim even if they were hit by a bus or done in by some other cause months later. The doomy view of PHE seems to be that no one ever recovers from the plague. Thanks for that.

markerWhat do Xperts kno anyway?
Some Xperts claim eating red meat to boost iron levels in the body is the key to a longer life, some claim eating red meat speeds up the ageing process.
   You pays your money and you makes your choice. And if you don't like what any of the Xperts are offering, don't panic. There will be another one along in a minute.

bullet The manufacturers of Red Bull are being twitted by Those People for failing to shift the company's emphasis from the brand of pop that it makes to the BLAME cause.

Far Queue symbol President Boris wants to distribute Parliament to the regions. The Midlands will get the House of Lords. Which means that they will have to watch the next Queen's ceremonial Opening of Parliament on telly.

Knee of GraceBelieve it or what
Catastrophists are claiming that the world is due for an action replay of the mega-tsunami, which wiped out Britain's land link to the Continent in 6200 BC. No actual evidence of how or why such an event would occur is on offer.

cross symbol Some spoilsport surgeon has measured blood oxygen levels with and without a face mask and proved that wearing a mask does not cause deoxygenation. But no doubt the complainers will soon find something else to moan about.

bullet The BBC admits knowing that its bods make a mockery of impartiality on toxic auntie-social meeja, but has no plans to do anything about it.

bulletQ: What do you get if you're a non-white footballer whose number plate has been cloned by a criminal?
bulletA: A chance to try out the latest issue of police handcuffs.

cross symbol Exploding stars are getting the blame for global warming as they shed humungous amounts of carbon when they Xplode off their outer layers and evolve into a white dwarf. This carbon then travels to planets like Earth and Venus (an extreme case), and gobbles up oxygen from the atmosphere to form carbon dioxide.

markerSqueak, narrow
It's official. Russian 'actors' interfered in last December's general election here and tried to inflict O.J. Corbynstein on an unwilling nation using a combination of propaganda, bribery and direction of the efforts of their useful idiots in the country.
   Who knows what could have happened if Russian spies has been involved rather than luvvie actors.

In the context of idiots, 'useful' applies only to the interests of those foreigners who wish our country ill. Please remember this at all times.

reader comment“Praising God for killing 219 people in Manchester with the Chinese plague at a service in the cathedral? What a weird concept.” Slam Muttermug

markerWFH? What F’Hook? No, Work From Home.
Something the rail unions would love but it would mean driverless trains and a huge drop in union income from membership fees.

markerDiabetes buster
The latest Big Idea for the workplace is to put employees on an exercise bike for a 9-minute session twice a week. The idea is they get fitter and less prone to obesity related conditions like diabetes without working up a sweat and needing a shower.
   All they do is lots of heavy breathing which, with the help of air conditioning, will do a great job of distributing the Chinese plague everywhere.

markerJust to be clear—a cloth face mask is primarily intended to try to stop someone with the Chinese plague from spreading it to people in their vicinity.
   Providing protection from the plague to the wearer is a secondary issue. That job requires the sort of top-gun protection equipment used by the medical profession.

Far Queue symbol In an attempt to attack consumer wealth, the confectionary giant Cadbury is to reduce the size of its chocolate bars but keep the price the same.

Far Queue symbol Oh, wonderful! Our judiciary has decided to re-import the Bride of Daesh S. Begum as part of its strategy for making Britain a safe haven for terrorists and their supporters.

Far Queue symbol The Swiss military is being showered by derision after joining in a Bastille Day parade in Paris and demonstrating a complete inability to march in step.

bullet The Warmists' war on carbon, the Xperts reckon, is destroying the fertility of soil in England and Wales, which has been degraded to the point of containing too much clay and not enough carbon.

markerMore of the same
Poland is set to continue to give the EbloodyU waxworks a hard time with the re-election of President Duda, who thinks the Algae Boutique agenda is a more destructive ideology than communism and the EbloodyU, is an imaginary community offering not very much to the Poles..
   Unsurprisingly, he is going to be doing things his way for another 5 years and doing his bit to temper the EbloodyU's migration policies and combat the global warming fraudsters in Brussels.

bulletQ: How do you stop customers from congregating @ the bar in a pub?
bulletA: Install an electric fence in front of it!

cross symbol There is no danger that H2S will be delivered on time or anywhere near the current budget, the Xperts reckon. But President Boris is determined to crash on with it. Doshan bleeda.

Some Xperts, the cheerful sods, are placing bets on 120,000 deaths in hospitals over the winter if the Chinese plague resurges. People not having a flu jab won't help.
bullet The official death toll from the Chinese plague has managed to become both an underestimate and an overestimate. How? Some people who died of the virus weren't tested and added to the score and some people died of other causes but the virus got the blame because they'd tested positive for it anything up to a couple of months earlier.

bulletQ: What does it have to do with a deceased war hero if his modern major-general of a son breaks locko rules?
bulletA: As much as it had to do with President Boris when his dad went to Greece.

Far Queue symbol The Chinese have invaded the Galapagos islands to hoover up all sea life there with their factory ships 'because they can'.

markerbulletQ: What is a good way to get away with it?
bulletA: Get in to a fight with the police then claim someone knelt on your neck, even if you put your neck under the knee.

Far Queue symbol The charge list against Epstein substitute target G. Maxwell includes the rather dubious one of having a secret husband!

bullet The French police are investigating rumours of a sinister plot to fire-bomb all of the major cathedrals in the country. First, Notre Dame, Nantes this week, where next?

bullet The waxworks in charge of the Royal Navy reckon that using terms like 'man overboard' turn off potential female recruits. Sounds like it deflects the right sort of snoflake.
reader comment“Presumably, the girls won't join because they think they'll be left to drown if they fall overboard. Nothing like having confidence in your potential co-workers.” Frank Solstice

reader comment“President Boris wants it to be all over by Xmas. Xpert medic Prof. C. Whitty wants it to keep going for a long period of time. No doubt it will be all over by the time the prime monster of the day celebrates the arrival of the 22nd century a year early.” Berf Bergladom

bullet Just 7% of crimes committed in England and Wales resulted in a charge or summons in the year to March 2020.

bulletQ: What do you get if you write a book about Sweden's collaboration with the Narzis during World War II?
bulletA: The official legal establishment copying the Narzis and trying to burn it.

cross symbol A rachel awareness course celebrating Scotland's part in the slave trade of the third quarter of the 20th century is to be made a requirement tacked on to all education degrees obtained north of the border, sez the Ed. Sec. there.
   Which is jerking both knees.

reader comment“The expression 'reverse discrimination' is offensive only to Those People who feel embarrassed when they are outed for doing it.” Fohr Hom

cross symbol A senior curator of the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art has been cancelled for refusing to stop collecting work by white, male artists. How very woke!

bullet A good way to upset looney lefties and BLAME Bunch civil servants is to make them go into the Winston Churchill room at the Treasury. To their credit, the politicians replied with a robust "Grow a set" to efforts to cancel the name.
reader comment“Sounds like an extension of the campaign to cancel body parts names after blokes, such as the Adam's apple and the Achilles' tendon, which is being run by a non-male person.” Ali Ghator

bullet The Wokists are using the methods of Chairman Mao's Red Guards as a blueprint for their cancellation operations against anyone who arouses their displeasure. Coming up with something new, exciting and original was clearly too much to Xpect.

markerAre face masks as brilliant as they are touted to be? If the president of the discredited Royal Society sneers @ the concept of some rigorous scientific research into their actual effectiveness, you have to have a healthy helping of doubt.

bulletQ: What do you get if cleaners scrub a piece of graffiti showing a rat using a face mask as a parachute off the interior of a Tube train carriage?
bulletA: An absurd claim from some comedian that the image was worth $8 MILLION.

tick symbol President Boris has ordered a 50-foot conference table for Cabinet meetings in a long gallery at the Foreign Office to allow safely spaced meetings for Cabinet members with civil servants also in attendance. Megaphones will be available to those who need to speak up due to their degree of remoteness.

Far Queue symbol China's biggest complaint against the UK seems to be that we're being an ally of the United States. Trumpophobic, or what!

bulletQ: Does spending £180 on a battery powered coffee storage pot make you a mug?
bulletA: Not just that, it makes you an overpaid mug if you can afford it.
reader comment“Makes you want to go for a pint or ten darn the newly opened Rat & Covid.” R.W.
reader comment“Or the Locko & Lamprey gastropub if you want to take advantage of the VAT reduction on grub.” H.T.
reader comment“Suggestion for Mr. Snack—a 100% tax on amounts over £200K paid to university vice-chancellors.” A.M.
reader comment“A 50% tax on the proceeds of online dating scams would do wonders for the Brown Hole in his accounts.” G.R.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

 WEEK 4 

markerA simple choice
People have started to moan already about having to pay twice as much for travel insurance for trips to Europe after December 31st, when we exit the Europeon Insurance Card scam.
   A good way to save a lot of money would be to avoid going to Urope; or get on the case of the insurance companies and demand a full and thorough independent examination of their charging regimes.

Does this document prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that O.J. Corbynstein always has been, and always will be, in the pocket of the Putinocracy? —>

bullet The Xperts are offering the prospect of a range of mixed infections over the winter—covidcolds and fluvid, to name just two.

bulletQ: What happens when you plant a plastic patrolman on the A85 @ St. Fillans in Perthshire to try to frighten motorists into observing speed limits?
bulletA: Someone strolls of with Pop Up PC Jim for a laugh. Police Scotland is officially not amused.

markerIt’s all about the money, really
The real reason why China is upset by rocky relations with the UK is the prospect of losing British funding for its space programme via overseas aid and the consequent loss of face if there is no one available to monitor its rover Taiwen-1 when it reaches Mars.
   Assuming it actually manages to reach the surface in working condition, given that 50% of the hardware launched to Mars flops for one reason or another.
reader comment“Oh, crap! I suppose that means we're also paying for Hope, that orbiter the UAE had launched toward Mars by the Japanese. No wonder we're bloody broke.” R.W.

bullet The Xperts are placing their bets on what constitutes herd immunity. Anything between 20% and 70+% of the population having been exposed to the Chinese plague is on offer.
   The 20% figure relies on an assist from other viruses such as the common cold.

Far Queue symbol The idiots running the Welsh government are claiming that reading a newspaper on a train or a bus spreads the Chinese plague. Taxi operators are still waiting for a ruling on their case.

markerThe nation needs to be told
What are veggies saying when they eat some gunk got up to look like bacon, which veggies are not supposed to crave? Is it:
   "Look at me, not doing something I'm not supposed to do."
   "No way am I a veggie weirdo—look, I'm eating bacon."
   "I'm a veggiepop and I'm okay. I sleep all night, I work all day.
   "On Wednesdays I goes shopping, and have bacon for my tea."
[with apologies to Monty Pewthon, Ed.]

Far Queue symbol The Chinese government is doing itself no favours by branding our suspension of the extradition treaty for Hong Kong as 'brutal'. The Chinese are just exposing themselves to ridicule for Xcessive confected diplomatic outrage.

Decisions, decisions
A number of correspondents have presented us with this enigma following the Appeal Court's conclusion that letting the Bride of Daesh back into the country is a good idea . . .
   You've had 3 pints of beer and you're walking home and you realize you need a pee. Then you come across a judge and a terrorist, both on fire.
   Do you use your natural resource to put one of them out? Or do you just hurry on home and relieve yourself there?

markerNo sherbet, Shirley
Eating too much red meat makes you unhealthy. Not eating enough red meat also makes you unhealthy, the Xperts have concluded.
   Thus they have blown millions of pounds on confirming the folk wisdom that moderation in all things is a good idea.
   Well, wot a surprise.

Far Queue symbol The nation's police farces are going to have to stop referring to jihadi terrorists as terrorists because it is upsetting the terrorist community, which plays a vital part in Britain's prosperity and cultural life?
   Actually, the notion comes from N. Basu, the top cop who claims the main threat to the UK is from the far Right rather than Islamists with bombs and knives and stolen vehicles. A man who has made a career choice to spout woke bollocks on all issues.
   Surprisingly, other top coppers have chosen to take no notice of his latest outburst. But how long will it be before they go wobbly, like they usually do?

bullet The mayor of Bristol is complaining that he can't win, having been chewed out over the Colston statue & replacement farce by both the BLAME Bunch and their opponents.

bulletQ: How do you get the locals on your side when you want to buy Newcastle United football club?
bulletA: Describe Geordies as a remote tribal community which is worse than Yemen, and as people who have a well-documented penchant for violence.

bullet 30% of office staff want to continue to work from home, which is bad news for the transport and catering staff who make a living out of them.
update Another count would have us believe that 65% of former office workers are quite happy to be home bodies.
bulletWorking from home makes Germans happier and more effective, the Xperts there reckon.

bulletDame disgruntled
Dench, Dame J., does not seem to appreciate the remarks of anyone who finds her attempt to be with it somewhat lacking.

Far Queue symbol The Putinocracy has the hump big time after a report by the Commons Spyforce Committee on Russian attempts to meddle with British elections on all sorts of issues revealed that the government here thought them too trivial to bother about. Harsh questions are now being asked of the KGB about the value for money it achieved with the billions blown on trying to bribe useful idiots, members of the House of Lords, etc. Not to mention all the other shenannygoats and setting up the London markets as somewhere to launder money for putinocrats.
reader comment“You have to feel for Vlad the Conspirator. He blew billions of roubles that could have gone into his secret bank account in the Cayman Islands on making sure we Brexited from the EbloodyU. And is there one word of thanks from President Boris? No bloody chance!” Ronald Ho (pronouns—me and my)

bulletQ: How much is the opinion from a BBC luvvie on £190K worth if she tries to tell us that the licence fee, which pays her overblown salary, is 'worth it'?
bulletA: We're getting down to the sub-atomic level here.

markerOwn worst enemies
The debate is on—is China's tactic of making gruesome threats @ the UK and the US more reminiscent of the Mafia or a militant trade union?
   Whichever, the Yellow Peril are putting off more and more people here, and their chance of participating in the Bradwell nuclear power plant (or any major infrastructure project) is becoming more remote.
   And revelations about the existence of, and the conditions in, China's forced re-education concentration camps for Moslems are not going to help.

tick symbol The firm that makes Ribena has created a strain of blackcurrant adapted to warmer winters—adapting to a change of climate rather than whingeing and pretending to be able to manipulate the climate. More of that attitude is needed.

Far Queue symbol The artist who perpetrated the Colston repo job in Bristol has been outed as a blacksploiter and an exhibitionist oppressor by a discarded GF, who turned out to be a BLAME Buncher. Worse, he has been told he'll have to pay for the removal and storage of his outburst or he doesn't get his plastic repo statue back.

markerAliens is as aliens does
The big disadvantage of belonging to a culture with a long history which is based on the other side of the planet, like the Chinese culture, is that you don't have all the advantages of access to all of our Western wisdom.
   Like the saying: "When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging".
   As a result, the Chinese government is going to make more and more bloodcurdling threats against the UK and the US, and be totally baffled by our failure to bend a knee to them and our failure to take any notice of China's well-rewarded useful idiots.

reader comment“Out here in the real world, we have flim & flam. A claim that Princess Bea was married in secret is both with doses of flum, flom and flem tacked on. It's just sour grapes from the usual suspects coz they weren't invited to a very select, plague year gathering.” Dred McGram

markerThe nation's police farces have announced that they will NOT take any notice of people going into shops not wearing a mask because they are too busy. Doing what?

bulletQ: Can a 3 feet tall parcel left with a doormat parked on top of it be considered to be in a safe location?
bulletA: Not in this universe.

bulletQ: What do you get when a 2-day EbluddyU summit on CoCO19 bail-outs goes on for a third then a fourth day?
bulletA: Lotz of tantrums from the French and Germans when they don't get their way on everything right away and the Dutch leader starts acquainting them with a few facts of life.

bulletQ: Did the Queen have to commission a sword 2 yards long to award a knighthood to Captain-Colonel T. Moore for his charity mega-fundraising?
bulletA: No, she was able to use one which once belonged to her dad. But she had to practice on a suit of armour to be able to whack the shoulder of a centenarian, who is much to old to kneel down, without causing grievous bo-didly harm!

markerWell, that’s telling them
Grotter AddamsAn Xpert sociologist has worked out who is to blame for vexatious children like Greenhouse Grotter and her imitators. It's their parents and all the other adults, who failed to set boundaries for them and allowed them to live in a fantasy world instead of the real world.
   Everyone born after 1965 must be considered an unfit parent and everyone in the meeja & luvvie sets and the university world should be deeply ashamed of pandering to the ill-informed obsessions of non-competent kiddies.

bulletQ: What does a beauty queen have to do to be cancelled?
bulletA: Support the All Lives Matter wave and ask if G. Floyd really was a fine, upstanding citizen of those United States.
writer comment“How long before Michelangelo's David and all the Greek and Roman statuary in museums will end up in cellars for being too white?” M.K.
reader comment“Something else that has been cancelled is the name of the Dambuster G. Gibson's dog. Nigger has now become nameless on his gravestone thanks to the RAF's current leadership.” Shug Vibond
reader comment“Honk if you don't think that George bloke is liable to be canonized this side of the second coming?” Gorrie Zontal

bulletQ: What do you get @ a 'Viking re-enactment' rehearsal using real, sharp swords and unskilled actors?
bulletA: Someone bloody nearly kilt.

markerSneak attack?
The sinister Chinese have resorted to biological warfare by sending people who made online purchases via Amazon, eBay, etc. packets of large, black seeds.
   No information is provided with the seeds on what they are and how they should be grown. The official advice is that they should be treated as something as dangerous as Japanese knotweed and binned or dropped on a bonfire.
update the US Dept. of Agriculture has determined that the seeds are of cabbage, mint rose and sage, among others, and they were sent out as a part of a scam to generate positive online reviews.

bullet Cowboys installing faulty cavity wall insulation have made 800,000 homes unsafe or uninhabitable due to damp and mould. Something to think about before applying for one of the Chancellor's 'home improvement' hand-outs in September.

bulletQ: Just how many photos of it can there be in the papers before those same papers stop claiming that a royal wedding is a secret?
bulletA: As many photos as they can blag and surround with BS.

tick symbol There is no cash shortage due to locko if 40% of people are drinking more to get themselves too blotto to notice the inconvenience.

markerExpected Skivers' Charter
There is a huge backlog for everything from registering births to getting replacement driving licences & passports and getting probate done & dusted.
   Letting civil servants work from home is clearly a Bad Idea.
   Whatever they're doing at home, it's obviously not work.

bullet President Boris is now convinced that the EbloodyU is not interested in striking a trade deal with the UK and it will be WTO terms of business from January 1st 2021 onward.

bullet A Swedish Xpert has put his money on people who have had the Chinese plague being immune to it for 6 months whether or not antibodies can be detected in their body.

bullet The government is being urged to let empty shops be converted into dwellings to prevent high streets from becoming derelict, deserted zones.

Far Queue symbol Branches of the Royal Bank of Scotland are to be rebranded as NatWest (formerly National Westminster) branches in an attempt to shed the toxic image created during the Fred the Shred era. This is not a problem as far as Romiley is concerned as both the NatWest and the RBS branches here were closed yonks ago.

bullet Surprise! International Mask Day yesterday was a bit of a shambles. A grateful nation thanks all who contributed to the confusion.

bullet The Swiss recipe for celebrating their National Day on August 1st is no large events and everything on a DIY basis. But with firework sales to individuals putting a smile on the retailers' faces, everything should go with a bang, as per usual.
bullet No Nobel beanfeast in Sweden this year because of the Chinese Plague. Lots of disappointment for the usual-suspect scoffers.
bullet Not much beanfeasting will be going on in northern Spain as the Chinese plague resurges there.

Far Queue symbol London's cosmetic mayor is claiming that he had a career as a comedian. In his case, practice had deferably not made perfect.

cross symbol Lack of visitors to the Tower of London is going to do to Her Majesty's Beefscoffers what the Chinese plague failed to do—thin their ranks via redundancies.

Kerching!Doctors are being told to advise their customers to get out into the countryside as an alternative to popping pills to ease pressures on the NHS drugs budget now that the country is officially broke.

bulletQ: What's the difference between 200,000 extra deaths caused by the Chinese plague and 200,000 extra deaths caused by the locko manoeuvres to prevent deaths due to the Chinese plague?
bulletA: For the people who died and their relatives & friends, about the square root of bugger all.

Far Queue symbol The Warmists are hoping to kill off polar bears by the end of the century.

markerAll change
The Archybish of Cantab reckons that locko has shown that going to a church to do some praying is no longer necessary. So that's vicars and other church staff out of a job and there's all that property in prime sites which can be sold off to pay for all the redundancies in the lower ranks.

bullet Lockdown has had a severe effect on vaccine development, the Xperts reckon. The dramatic fall in the number of people getting the Chinese plague has made it harder to tell if trial vaccines are preventing people from getting a dose of CoCO19.

Far Queue symbol Don't you just wish Dumper Amber could be neither seen nor Heard?

bulletQ: What do you do if a delve into your family history shows you are a descendant of slave traders and slaves?
bulletA: Beat your breast on alternate days.

bullet Gulp! Chancellor Snack is on the list of Tory ministers and members of the Spyforce Committee who are accused of taking Russian gold.

Far Queue symbol The Xperts reckon that refusing to wear a face mask, not following locko rules and hoarding boggo rollos is a sign that the culprit is psychopathic and/or narcissistic.

bullet China got &71 MILLION in handouts from the British taxpayer in the last year. Sheer bloody craziness.
reader comment“It is to be hoped that we copped for more than that in bribes paid to China's useful idiots to help balance the books now we're officially broke.” Julia Blotefogel, pronouns yous & youser

bullet Touchscreens are now obsolete, thanks to the Chinese plague. Especially the ones provided to log in @ a doctor's surgery. Contact-free technology is the coming thing.
reader comment“So, more bloody expense for the taxpayer as one set of gadgets is junked whilst still working in favour of something else which will be higher tech and break down even more often.” Noah Chance

markerAny more for any more?
The Xperts are rolling the dice again. Some of them have put their money on the Chinese plague becoming no worse as winter draws on as it is impossible to demonstrate beyond any reasonable doubt that the rate of spread of the virus slowed down during the summer.

markerHands-on culture
"Only handle your own balls" has become the ungrammatical mission statement of the clottish quango Public Health England, which creates procedural balls for the nation in industrial quantities and drops bollocks by the truckload on an hourly basis.

markerCare from cradle to grave redefined?
The Chancellor fills everyone up with VAT-reduced junk food until the entire nation is obese. Then the Health Sec. awards the fatties a gastric belt so they can slim down and start the process all over again as many times as they can manage.
   This is what is known as joined-up government.
writer comment“We also have the medical trade encouraging people to stop popping pills and do the countryside which, the BBC luvvies would have us believe, would Xpose them to a severely institutionally ray-sist environment. Also joined-up.” A.L.M.

Now, they tell us
Some Xperts, cheerful bunch, reckon the damage done to the British economy by a national lockdown has not been worth the lives saved. The calculation was made using an NHS bean-counting formula, which reckons that the locko cost of £200 BILLION amounts to £70 BILLION more than the value of the years saved.
   Not a view calculated to win any popularity contests for the former Bank of England policy-maker and his co-authors.

bulletQ: Are the UAR and Chinese Mars missions, paid for by British taxpayers' money and launched this month, really in a race to the Red Planet?
bulletA: No, they're going to Mars to do entirely separate jobs; one in orbit and one on the surface; and it's just the news meeja creating their own balls.

Panic Stations!
The SNP in Scotland is in full-blown panic mode ahead of a visit by our very popular fast-food Chancellor, R. Snack, who is Xpected to torpedo the SNP's hopes of another IndyRef by pointing out how much Scotland benefits from being part of the UK. That, and 6 years not being a generation.
Far Queue symbol The SNP is further dismayed by one of the contenders for the Liberal party leadership planning to use emotional blackmail on the Scots in search of more parliamentary seats there.
Far Queue symbol The SNP's distress is multiplied by all the opposition parties ganging up to support the appointment of a Patient's Commissioner to tackle abuses, failings and neglect by the NHS in Scotland with the SNP @ the helm.
tick symbol The only bright spark on the horizon for the SNP is that the Russians would be on their side, wallet open, for an IndyRef2 as the Putinocracy would hope to turn an isolated Scotland into a colony right next door to England.

markerUniversal Narrative
If there is no direct evidence that Russian luvvie actors meddled in the Brexit vote, that doesn't mean they didn't try. Equally, that doesn't mean they did try.
   All it 'proves' is that no one knows nuffink about nuffink and everyone therefore has a licence to make up their own silly stories.
reader comment“Typical bloody politicians, thinking Russian, Chinese, Iranian and other stooges will put their names down willingly on a register of foreign agents and expose their treachery for fun & profit to the gaze of the great unwashed.” Aye Okay
reader comment“A sort of Equity list for all the foreign actors?” Alotta Fagina
reader comment“And when they move the House of Lords to York, they'll have to include a Traitors' Gate for all the members who are taking Red Gold.” Tag Carless
reader comment“And euros, in the case of the legion of diehard Bremoaners.” Ludicro Inaudibile

Far Queue symbol Pay-outs of compensation to victims of industrial level anti-Semitism could drive the Labour party into bankruptcy. Some legacy for the supporters of O.J. Corbynstein to defend!

All for nothing?
Xperts in Canada & the US reckon that lockdowns are a waste of time. Making people stay at home doesn't work and lockdowns have ruined economies, they made no difference to the rate of deaths from the Chinese plague around the world and the only reliable way to survive something like CoCO19 is to be in good health when it strikes.

bulletElimination by other means—8 inmates on death row in San Quentin State Prison, California, have croaked of the Chinese plague.

bullet Greenpeace is warning that plastic pollution from disposable face masks has become the greatest threat to the survival of The Planet imaginable. Or something like that.

markerNo wonder they’re called global warming fraudsters
markerThe Roman Empire period during the first 500 years of our current calendar was the warmest and most prosperous of the last 2,000 years. Then the climate turned colder and things got grimmer. It was warmer back then than it is now.
   Which means that a 2 deg.C increase in local temperatures will be a Good Thing rather than the catastrophe the Warmists are claiming it would be.

bullet The latest alibi for not opening the £18 BILLION Crossrail link in London next summer is . . . the Chinese plague.

markerFair play is demanded
Microplastics, by definition, have to be visible only under a microscope. Which means that anyone describing as micro, a chunk of plastic as big as 5 mm; which is easily visible; is liable to prosecution under the Accuracy in Scientific Terminology Act.
   People hurling science around, even if it is just pseudo, need to observe some basic standards.

bulletQ: Woke or wonk? Which is correct?
bulletA: They are now completely interchangeable.

update The bloke who upset President Boris by blagging the chairmanship of the Commons SpyForce Committee had his first public outing this week. Unfortunately, he gave a display of bumptiousness and toobigforbootsism, thus dispersing his previously favourable image. Oh, well. Business as usual.

bulletQ: What do you get if you block one side of the M60 in Greater Manchester to lark about a bit?
bulletA: Away with it.

markerDefinitely artificial rather than ficial
There's a rumour going round that KFC [No, not Kan't F-ing Cook. Ed.] is conspiring with a bunch of Russians to use 3D printing technology to make things that look like chicken snacks out of protein concoctions brewed up in a laboratory.
   Has anyone warned President Trump that he might be offered Frankenstein food when he has one of his megasnacks?

Far Queue symbol It seems that L. Hoyle, the Commons squeaker in replacement for Bollocks to Berko, is in the habit of riding around on trains with a parrot which keeps squawking "Lock the doors!" and causing mass chaos.

markerPolitics warning [Ed.]
In the wake of the bank account busting payments to Labour's anti-Semitism whistleblowers, former MP I. Austin invited us to accept that his party was once great and non-poisonous. But when was that?
   It certainly wasn't great under Tony B. Liar and his poisonous crew. It wasn't great under M. Foot, J. Callaghan or H. bloody Wilson. It hasn't been great in living memory and this 'greatness' seems to be just a myth spread by those who want to pretend they were once part of something great.
reader comment“Good grief, sir! Are you actually trying to tell us that O.J. Corbynstein didn't single-handedly bring a great political party to its knees? Don't Xpect a K when Sir Kreepy starts handing out gongs.” H.G.

bullet A professor @ Imperial College, London, has put his money on the Chinese plague being around for decades. Thanks for that.

bullet President Boris is dropping hints that face masks will have to be worn in shops at least until next summer.
reader comment“Crumbs! My mask will be dropping to bitz by then.” D.S.

bullet O.J. Corbynstein was spotted out on Face Mask Friday without one. No danger of him copping for a £100 fine, though.

reader comment“According to the Chinese government, having a solemn position, repeated representations and making economic progress entitles the waxworks to brainwash the Moslem population of Xingjiang in concentration camps. Logic, but not as we know it, Jim.” C.P.
reader comment“Strange that only the UK and the US have noticed this is happening to the Uighars and the Moslem world isn't up in arms and blowing things up all over the place.” H.J.

cross symbol The test of the Russian satellite-buster weapon a couple of weeks ago was not an orbital weapon test, sez the Putinocracy. There is no way that a satellite with a projectile-launching capability can be classed as a weapon under international law.

bulletQ: What's the world's absolutely worst Xcuse for stabbing someone in the chest twice with a 10" saw-toothed knife and killing him during an official Knife Awareness Course?
bulletA: "I tried to stab him in the arm but he moved."

reader comment“Gastric clamping is described as not being a silver bullet for the morbidly and persistently obese. Getting the Lone Ranger to plug the really enormous members of the eatist community would certainly be a hell of a lot cheaper.” A.C.
   [Gulp! Ed.]

markerCash is King
Do we have a corrupt & rotten Establishment here in the UK? Of course, we do. But we don't have a bankrupt one in the financial sense. The waxworks have embraced capitalism with both hands and they will take cash from our country's friends and enemies alike.
   Cue a HUGE round of applause from the diversity mob.

markerUnpardonable inconvenience
The teaching unions are up in arms over an observation by an Xpert that not one teacher anywhere in the world has been infected with the Chinese plague by a pupil. All the teachers who have died; Xcept, maybe, one in Australia; got the plague from other sources.

Nowt to brag about
There must be something of the masochist in Sir Kreepy Steamer if he wants us to remember that he was once the Director of Public Prostitutions. Which makes the failure to convict the trio who killed PC A. Harper of murder during the commission of a crime part of his (proud?/tainted?) legacy.

cross symbol Malicious slander? That's what the Chinese are saying about their spy centre in Houston being closed down by the US government. But is it possible to have any sort of slander other than malicious? It's not exactly something that can be benign.

bulletQ: Why are enemy spies called actors?
bulletA: Because they are allowed to do it with impunity.

cross symbol Dog owners in South Korea are urging their government to place a ban on dogburgers, which are currently traditional summer fare in Korea.

reader comment“The civil service wonks who didn't want to work in the Churchill Room @ the Treasury should be given a choice between working in the Hitler Room permanently and being sacked on the spot.” J.G.

Kerching!What is the point of binning perfectly serviceable crockery @ Chequers just because it's foreign? Everything is wrong with President Boris's plan to replace it with British stuff. Has no one told him the country is bloody well broke?

cross symbolPublic health hazard
Those bloody e-scooters should definitely be banned from pavements if they are liable to go up in flames coz of dodgy lithium battery technology.

markerPerverted Justice
The FBI is trying to ensure that G. Maxwell, daughter of the late & unlamented Captain Bob, cannot be tried in the US on a charge of being associated with the late financier J. Epstein.
   The Feds' tactic of talking trash about her on a continuous basis will ensure that no jurors can enter a court uncontaminated by a tidal wave of prejudicial mongered sleaze.

cross symbol Watching more than 2 hours of TV per day will kill you, claims a so-called Xpert. Only eating chocolate @ least once a week will keep you alive.

bulletQ: If the Jews in Biblical times had slaves, as noted in The Bible, does that Xcuse anti-Semitism now?
bulletA: Maybe that's what O.J. and Momentum are planning to fall back on.

bullet If you're planning to buy something online, you might consider doing it before the fast-food Chancellor slaps an extra tax on the purchase to 'save our high streets'.
reader comment“Another bit of boneheadedness from President Boris is banning bogof deals in supermarkets. Give us a break, you miserable sod.” R.W.

 WEEK 5      Heading on down to Grotter's for a pineapple popper

markerAlphabetty spaghetty
The first hurricane to hit the continental United States in this year's season, wiping out large stretches of Texas, is called . . . Hanna?
   There's probably an explanation for that of some sort but the thought of digging for it made us lose the will to live.

cross symbol President Boris and his government are going to run a campaign against o'besity. Cue a succession of pictures of fat people's wobbly bits whilst the BBC newsreader does a voice-over. Does the nanny Bollocks Broadcasting Company really think we don't kno what o'besity is? Shee!

Far Queue symbolFast bucks, slow ones, Burney’s Army wants them
The SNP is doing its little best to politicize the Chinese plague by selling face masks spotted with SNP logos. Worse, masks that cost pennies to make are on sale @ £8-14 to bolster party funds.

markerBlotto nation
A gang of Xperts reckons that 20% of British adults get ratted and incapable at least once a month. Whatever turns you on!
[Or wipes you out. Ed.]

tick symbol If you want to avoid being spied on by a digital assistant tin can when you're trying to have a private conversation, adopt a Glaswegian accent. The cans can't cope with Weegies! Brummies also baffle them, and Scousers, but the people who take the baffling biscuit live in South Wales.

bulletQ: What do you call a bloke who has spent 50 years trying to spot the Loch Ness Monster and has seen Nessie just the once; maybe, perhaps?
bulletA: Not much cop.

Ding! Ding! All change again!
Conventional wisdom has been revised in the light of further data. Lockdown flattened the peak of transmission of the Chinese plague and increased the rate of recovery of those who survived it. But it didn't save lives.
   Which is bad news for the Xperts who claimed that imposing locko a week earlier would have kept thousands of people alive. And good news for the Xperts who are now claiming that locko should have been relaxed a lot sooner to protect the economy.

Far Queue symbol In case you were wondering, Prince Hairy & Mhegan remain cancelled.

A poster @ the BP petrol station gets a roasting in The Village Voice, a new quarterly freesheet about Romiley. An outfit called 'One Stockport' wants to encourage local shopping but their poster advised Romiley residents to do it in Cheadle Hulme, about 5 miles away as the crow flies but about twice that by road.
   The blunder was pointed out and a different version of the poster went up—sending people to go to Marple, which is only 3 miles away.
   Not many people noticed this PR disaster, however, as the poster was concocted by some nerd with no idea what graphic design is all about. This poster was flat, dull and the antithesis of eye-catching. As a result, most people walked past it without a first glance.

markerAlso mentioned on page 7 of the VV . . .
Apparently, the performing arts industry turned the Forum and the centre of Romiley into a red light districts at night at the beginning of the month to remind people of the plight of the underoccupied theatre world.
   But with nothing open on account of the lockdown, few people will have been out and about and got the message.

cross symbol Yesterday’s pathetic swindle attempt
"Telephone 0060117568191 called today," said the 1471 lady. About what? My 'Amogen' subscription of . . . seven nine nine nine . . . will be renewed automatically unless you press '1'. A really badly done computer voice, only a total idiot would be fooled by it.

cross symbol An Xplanation of sorts
The Chinese plague is a conspiracy to drop the prices of empty theatres so that Chinese companies can buy up the buildings and valuable real estate cheaply.

Far Queue symbol The Bollocks Broadcasting Company would have us believe that PM W. Churchill took time off from waging World War 2 to travel all the way to Bengal personally to strangle 3 million people. Yeah, right.
reader comment“Good job he didn't get the idea a couple of years later, when he could have used an atom bomb to wipe out 30 million people.” Enn Taktirashem

tick symbol According to UK Finance, nine out of the ten bank branches still in operation stayed open during locko. The location of the single branch which felt the need to shut and barricade its doors remains a closely guarded secret.

bullet If you want to annoy pigeons and magpies, a good way is to install lights in your garden and leave them switched on.

bullet Despite gorbal warming, the air is full of complaints about the lack of a summer.

markerFar Queue symbol The civil service unions are promising major strikes if their members are ordered to stop skiving and get back to work. Ta, for that.
reader comment“If the civil service gets its way, we'll be lucky to have a 'bounce back' in the economy by 2034, never mind 2024.” Hoijin Sharma

bullet Clint Eastwood as Captain-Colonel Tom Moore, the mega-million NHS fund-raiser, in the movie? That should be good for a laugh.

bulletQ: How do you know if the lady in charge of your local Post Office is dodgy?
bulletA: If customers with a cocaine habit call her Deirdre the Dealer, that's a good clue.

markerDrone fliers and pilots of low-flying aircraft are going to have to keep their eyes open when phone companies are allowed to build 300-foot relay masts in the name of eliminating 'not-spots'.

bulletQ: What do you get if John Elton mentions you in a book?
bulletA: A need for £3 million to ease your agoraphobia and depression.

Knee of GraceGood sense, but not as we know it, Jim
The Wealth-Creating private sector has to go back to work. The stay at home skiving, Wealth Munching public sector gets big pay rises. If President Boris is okay with that, his dose of the Chinese plague addled his brain more than somewhat.

bullet Today's World's Worst Excuse: The Russians are denying deploying weapons in space—it's their actors wot dunnit. Those pesky Russkies are also accusing the Americans of deploying weapons in space even though they are not under threat there. Except from the dreaded Russian actors, of course. And the Chinese ones, of course.

Derbyshire deputy chief constable R. SwannA touch of frivolity does you no harm in today’s police
"Just how seriously would you take anything you were told by a lady with this comedy hairstyle?" This is what BFN asked last August of the spiky hairdo of R. Swann, current deputy chief constable of Derbyshire.
   Fast-forward to this year and the lady is in line for the county's top job. But just how seriously will anyone take her if she still has that haircut? And what will she look like if she ever has to appear in full uniform with a hat!!

bulletQ: What's the daftest 999 call the police have had this month?
bulletA: The idiot who got into a panic about an uneaten pizza left in the middle of a road in Scaynes Hill, West Sussex, gets the biscuit.
reader comment“Obviously no squirrels about at the time. The ones across the pond in New Jersey will grab slices from boxed pizzas abandoned in someone's porch by a dump-and-scarper delivery guy.” Bury Inter

Brain switched off . . .
bulletQ: What do you do if your cathedral in Sheffield has a rather wonderful choir of local people?
bulletA: Sack the lot of them for not being diverse enuff.
reader comment“You'd think they'd have a bit more sense in Yorkshire. But mebbe they've all woke up.” Daia Vadida

bullet Environmental cases are trying to ban plastic lawns because they reckon their owners don't wash them often enuff to satisfy the mental cases, or even at all.

Far Queue symbol It's official, Bollocks to Berko ain't getting a peerage because of his efforts to put an end to parliamentary democracy. Nonce Finder General T. Watson (a.k.a. the Bond villain NonceFinger, thanks to an apt typo) will not be elevated either.

Brain switched on . . .
bulletQ: What do you do if the trustees of a charity sack the founder for not thinking the Marxist BLAME Bunch are the bee's knees?
bulletA: Sack all the trustees and give the founder his job back.

Tells the mugs anything; they might just believe it
The not all that competent Xperts in this field have only just realized that Islamist terrorists will lie their heads off about what evil bastards they are and claim to have become a reformed character when they are trying to get out of gaol.
reader comment“Brides of Daesh included?” Nec Stadverts

Far Queue symbol Are the auntiesocial meeja companies likely to be bothered if a few people boycott them for a couple of days for not cancelling anti-Semitic posts fast enuff? Like that could happen.

bullet Today's Observation: Feng Shoogly—an afternoon session of furniture rearranging after a good Glasgow pub lunch.

W WashingtonImagination somewhat totally lacking
What would the Washington-based NFL team come up with if the name Redskins has to be banned? Swindlers, in view of the number of politicians in their area? The Washington Georges, after the president of that name? Nope, they're just called The Washington Football Team. How bleedin' prethetic.
reader comment“Love your graphic! They should definitely switch to the XFL and become the Washington Wrestlers!” Griff Fangel
reader comment“Apparently, the reason why the Washington Namelesses binned 'Redskins' is that descendants of Earlier Immigrants to northern America were being driven mental by the name. They had so little to do with their time that they were in danger of confecting enuff outrage to make their heads Xplode messily like the ones in the film Scanners.” Big Chief Bazooka

bullet Britain's binned top civil servant, M. Sedwill, reckons that President Boris's Cabinet is far too big. Translation—there are so many of them that intimidating all of them takes far too long. Worse, there are some Cabinet members who dare to express the opinion that the civil service is less than 100% wonderful!

bulletQ: How many humans are needed to rescue an 8½ stone St. Bernard rescue dog, who conks out in the Lake District?
bulletA: 16, and it took them 5 hours to complete the operation.

bullet Britain's doomy head boffin medical officer, Prof Whitty, is getting the blame for putting the kybosh on foreign holidays as a reward for being so cheerful and such a ray of sunshine during the Plague Year.

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, July MM20 like anyone cares