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 WEEK 1      

If you're feeling a bit cheerful, stop it right away! The Xperts are now telling us that human civilization will collapse due to deforestation in 2-4 decades, despite all the tree-planting going on here.
   Which means that if the Chinese plague doesn't get you, there's nothing to look forward to anyway.

Start your day with a scam . . .

TV Licensing scam

bullet 80% of the population still manage to cope without a personal assistant tin can. This percentage is expected to rise dramatically when poverty in the wake of the Chinese plague trims the amount of surplus cash in circulation for frivolities.

bulletQ: How do you upset the police and local council for Richmond, South London?
bulletA: Employ private security guards to harass the yobs who have invaded the area during locko and shown up the police and council as a waste of money and space.
bullet There is no police station in Richmond; hasn't been one for years. And the nearest one; Twickenham; is currently closed. Local residents are still expected to pay council tax for non-existent policing, though.

Smiling faces, rubbed hands
bullet Good news for pension companies. They stand to make £98 BILLION out of the premature deaths cause directly and indirectly by the Chinese plague.
bullet A quickly developed and effective vaccine would be a major disaster for the industry.

Far Queue symbol Whoop 1 Goldbrick has been cancelled for being excessively entitled.

bulletQ: Why do doctors put the Chinese plague on a death cerficate even if the customer died of something else, such as heart failure due to old age?
bulletA: Because it saves the trouble and expense of a post mortem examination.

markerWhat is the Greater Manchester Spatial Framework? It sounds like a sinister plan to move Romiley to outer space. Don't let the bastards get away with it!

bullet Wearing plastic gloves is no protection against the Chinese plague, the Xperts reckon, and can give a false sense of security.

bulletQ: What's a good way to shed the reality TV person you're married to?
bulletA: Run for president of the United States, even tho' you have nilzero chance of winning.

bulletQ: Most pathetic piece of anti-vaccine propaganda on offer?
bulletA: Bill Gates wants to put tracking chips into doses of a CoCO19 vaccine and that's why he's supporting the research.
reader comment“Obviously confected by a looney who wants to feel important enuff to imagine Mr. Gates wants to know where he/she/it is at all times?” Kerr Chhing
[Good idea if it's a looney with a gun. Ed.]
reader comment“Given how wide the tech conspiracy has spread around the planet; MicroSoft, Gooble, Apple, etc.; what makes the loonies think that the tech hierarchy doesn't know Xactly where they are and what they're doing at all times?” Maxx Pandemic

bullet Relax locko in London and what happens? The guys with guns start shooting people again and the boy racers come out in Kensington.

markerSinging: “Who’s the bastard, who’s the bastard in the black?”
One-nil to Chelski after 5 minutes of the first Cup Final played with an invisible crowd. [So what was all that crap in the background of the TV broadcast? Ed.] Stop for drinkies after 21 minutes. Cheers! (Fuck'n wimps!)
   Artificial boos for a goal disallowed for offside? What BS. Chelski wrestling gave Ars a penalty, 1-all in the 28th minute. Hard to bear, nowhere near for Ars from a free kick just before half time and more drinkies.
   One in the car park by Ars after 57 minutes. Same by Chelski 5 minutes later. In the net by Ars after 67 minutes. 2-1, cue drinkies. Chelski were down to 10 men after 74 minutes thanks to a second yellow card for a nothing foul. A card for the manager for daring to point out that the ref was a complete a tosser?
   Afterthought: What a bunch of wimpywanky crap actors footballers are and maybe the match had to be held behind closed doors to prevent the crowd from lynching them for their dying swan acts.

markerA good place to catch the Chinese plague in Switzerland is somewhere like a bar, a nightclub or a restaurant. If you would rather have heatstroke, head for Italy, where things are sweltering.

bulletQ: Why did Russia boycott the LA Olympics in 1984?
bulletA: Not because the US didn't go to the Moscow Olympics over the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. No, it was because Sovyetskiy athletes were so full of drugs, they rattled and/or sloshed when they moved about and the Russkies didn't want to be banned for serial doping. As they are now.
   [See the conspiracy theory that the Russians are behind the Chinese plague to postpone the Tokio Olympics until they can buy, blag or blackmail their way back into contention. Ed.]

bullet The reason for the high o'besity rate in the UK being so HUGE, the Xperts have concluded, is that there are so many fatties around that people feel left out if they don't look like them.

markerThought process
If you can read the phrase 'silver surfer' and start thinking about big waves and nutters on surfboards getting wiped out by them rather than the internet, there is still hope for you.

bulletQ: What's the daftest idea imaginable?
bulletA: Putting a piece of a Martian rock, which was knocked off the Red Planet and landed on Earth as a meteorite, on a NASA rover sent to Mars to repatriate it [as an illegal immigrant? Ed.] has to be well up the looney list.

Far Queue symbol The Bride of Daesh S. Begum remains 'not wanted on voyage' whilst the Supreme Court chews over letting her crawl back here. Not something guaranteed to inspire confidence in the British taxpayer and her potential victims in the UK.

Who ya gonna sue?
bulletQ: If men belonging to ethnic minorities are twice as likely to collect a fine for breaking locko rules, what does that prove?
1. That the police pick on ethnics?
2. That ethnics break locko rules twice as often as whites?
bulletQ: If Afrons are more likely to come to a bad end in police custody than whites, what does that prove?
1. That the police pick on ethnics?
2. That Afrons are more likely to turn violent when someone is trying to restrain them?
bulletA: Depends whether you're trying to confect ethnic bias or doing an objective study of behaviour across different cultures.

bullet None-masked passengers on public transport harassed by police =28,964.
bulletNumber fined £100 = 13.

bullet The upsurge in cases of the Chinese plague has been explained by the fact that less than half of the people in Britain are safe spacing, and less than a third are doing it with family & friends.

markerWe had the technology
Around 45 years ago, NASA stopped fishing astronauts out of the ocean when they returned from space and started launching them to near-Earth orbit in a reuseable shuttle & bringing them back to an air force base on dry land.
   Now, SpaceX has reinvented the old technology and returners from the ISS are ending up in the drink again. Sounds like a lot more development and engineering is needed before the US can think of heading for the Moon and Mars.
reader comment“Poor blokes, evicted from the safety & security of the ISS and made to live on a plague planet!” Noah Chance
writer comment“Bods back on the Moon by 2024? To do what?” A.L.M.

tick symbol Just when everyone was going to sleep as the procession unwound @ Silverstone, Formula One unveiled its new tactic for the rest of the season. Dodgy tyres to make the teams unsure of how long a set will last and shake things up with precautionary pit stops for a new set.

markerHomecation? Great idea!
Going abroad on holiday doesn't seem such a brilliant idea after you've read a story about some guy being attacked by a shark off the Australian coast and another having his arm chewed by a lion in Tanzania.

markerbulletQ: CBD oil—what's that and is it worth buying it on the cheap?
bulletA: As the product is the active ingredient in cannabis sativa, the initials stand for Causes Brain Damage and scoffing it is probably not a brilliant idea.

markerWas it worth the effort?
Isn't it great when you knock pix out at the rate of 5 per week for 6 weeks and one of them is flogged for $5 million? In the case of former Bradforder D. Hockney, who has smoked his way to safety from the Chinese plague, it might have been even greater if it had happened 40 years ago and he'd had a slice of the action.

bullet Quarantine 14, 10, 9 or 8 days? Place your bets!

markerBrilliant if obvious
A Treasury honcho wants to plaster prefab houses all over the place to help out the people who work from home. Typical of a politician not to see that the obvious solution is to convert high street and city centre offices into homes for the staff who want to work there.

Far Queue symbol The alleged collapse of the health service in Hong Kong is being seen as an excuse for the regime to move inconvenient people to hospitals in the rest of China and thence to oblivion.

bullet Not Really news: Can the identities of Mhegan's poisonous posse be kept secret? And is pleading for secrecy just more attention-seeking?

bulletQ: Pubs closed to allow schools to open? What's that about?
bulletA: Teachers are hiding in pubs instead of going to work and need to be smoked out.

markerbullet It is pretty much a hanging offence to notice that the habits and customs of some ethnic minorities encourage the spread of the Chinese plague, which has to be treated as an equal opportunities disease, even if it isn't.

bulletQ: What's a good way to get in to the House of Frauds?
bulletA: Be President Boris's brother. A simple case of BoJo's your bro!

markerAn over-75 pensioner has come up with an interesting way to blag free board & lodging, free meals and free TV—not pay her TV licence fee and be sent to gaol.

markerNo, no, bloody no!
We are assured that spacecraft will be launched from a site in the British Isles within the next few years. Not if the nation's Nimbys have anything to do with it. There is bound to be a gang of them yelling about their 'uman bluddy rights being violated when a site for the first spaceport is picked.

bullet Government rithmetic: Spending £2,000 MILLION on getting customers onto exercise bikes to save the NHS £100 MILLION.

markerWonks in action
The residents of St. Johns, Michigan, are unable to tell a Norwegian flag from a Confederate one, with the result that the operators of the Nordic Pineapple bed & breakfast joint there were trolled with hate emails when they put a Norwegian flag on display at the entrance to announce their Nordic heritage.

markerbulletQ: Is it a criminal offence for a millionaire farmer to repatriate £25K of the British ransom to the EbloodyU as a farming subsidy?
bulletA: No, it's a Good Thing, and attempting to sleaze the entrepreneur with innuendo is unBritish, even if his brother is a government minister.

bullet Tip of the Day: Buy a baseball bat and swing it around to impose Stone Cold Distancing on anyone who gets too close.

markerCollapse of sanity
The government has created a migration points system which makes 660 MILLION people eligible for a visa to come here. Crumbs! Where is President Boris going to put this gang and how much arm-twisting will be needed to get the Xperts to agree to endorse safe spacing of three inches?

markerFar Queue symbol The wonks of the Office for Statistics Regulation are under the impression that politicians are not allowed to pick and mix the statistics they find useful. Where do they find These People?

marker Someone is hanging on to round pounds worth £120 MILLION. They can still be deposited @ most big banks but good luck with finding one with open branches.

bullet The Scold's Bridle will soon be available on the NHS. Not to prevent vicious wimmin from slagging people off but to be padlocked on to the heads of obese people to stop them from scoffing.

bulletAll change
Free speech in the United States is officially history. Any journalist who doesn't agree with Those People, and dares to admit it, is sacked and trolled & socially murdered into o'blivion.
   Oh, brave new world . . .

Far Queue symbol Those people are trying to ban every instance of the name Rhodes, even if it has no connection with the national benefactor Cecil. Wot next?

marker Xperts in Holland have convinced themselves that face masks damage the fight against the Chinese plague. The face mask industry is aghast.

markerDon’t tell us; we don’t want to kno
Surprise! Only 45% of the British nation knowing what the current locko rules are is not due to a failure to communicate by the government, as Sir Kreepy and his stooges like Captain Underpants would have us believe.
   The customers know it all and they just aren't listening any more. Because customers tend to have a gnat's attention span and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

Far Queue symbol Surprise! Wee Burney is telling porkies about the Scottish rate of infection with the Chinese plague, the UK Statistics Authority almost managed to mumble.

bulletQ: What's a good way for a footballer who's feeling shagged out to get a red card?
bulletA: Coughing on the ref or a member of the other side works a treat.

bullet Today's Conspiracy Theory:The coronavirus plague was imported into Britain by the BBC to kill off everyone of 75 and older to remove a source of embarrassment over the decision by the waxworks in charge to cancel a free TV licence for 75s and over.

Cycle of Outrage
reader comment“People who get bent out of shape over what went on in the past are idiots. Without a time machine, and if they're not running a communist regime, there's nothing they can do to change or rewrite past events.
   “And they can be assured that anyone looking back on them from the same interval in the future will find the conduct of the idiots just as contemptible as the targets in the past of extended rants by today's idiots.
   “But, being idiots, today's idiots won't realize that. And the ones out for a free ride because someone with the same skin colour had a tough time centuries ago are in urgent need of cancellation.” Jonth Pollcan

markerSocial con-trick
Who is going to want to live in Portland & Seattle if the criminal communities there succeed in getting the police departments disbanded? And how are the criminal communities going to survive if all their customers leave?
   Typical bloody criminals, not thinking things through.
reader comment“Any of them asked what they can do for their country recently? Thought not. JFK who?” Urbane Legend

bulletQ: What's a good thing to avoid when you set fire to your car, planning to tell your insurance company it was stolen?
bulletA: Also burning down 673 hectares of protected jungle in Brazil.

bullet Violent crime is back to pre-lockdown levels as criminals go on the rampage again.

bullet Good news! The Xperts have decided that people using public transport are NOT a major source of spreading the plague; as long as masks are worn and safe spacing is observed.

bulletQ: What can you be sure of if you bomb the Boston Marathon and kill people?
bulletA: That a gang of judges will cancel your well deserved death sentence.

markerFaint praise indeed
Calling the late John Hume the Nelson Mandela of Northern Ireland is a pretty left-handed compliment when you think of the antics the gaoled communist terrorist Mandela, his associates and his family got up to.

Far Queue symbol China is willing to be friends with the UK as long as everything is done on their terms. Who do they think they are? The EbloodyU?
reader comment“China has banned pro-independence campaigning in Hong Kong. Can you imagine how loud the BANG! from Wee Burney would be if President Boris did the same here?” Slurp McGurp

markerDifferent but not better
The NHS of the future will embrace the call centre culture, the Xperts reckon. All contact with doctors will be by phone or videolink, which means that the doctor could be anywhere; even on the Moon or maybe even an AI computer program; and face-to-face meetings will take place only in the private sector if enuff cash changes hands.

bulletQ: What constitutes a really vexatious piece of litigation?
bulletA: Hauling an ex-husband into court on charges of causing actual bodiddly harm and wounding with intent for letting a 17-year-old daughter get an ankle tattoo.

markerJust not bloody trying
The current French Xcuse for letting illegals boat across the Channel to England is that the infiltrators threaten to chuck themselves into the sea. The reply to that should be a Gallic shrug and an invitation to, "Go on, then." But the French always were an awkward bunch.

bullet If schools are allowed to reopen, everyone in the country will get the Chinese plague, some Xperts are claiming now.
reader comment“Quarantine used to be 40 days; hence the name. Then it became a fortnight, 10 days, 8 days, 5 days. How long before it's no days and if they croak, they croak?” Cashier Nadal

arrowhead cowboy zombiemarkerRed Lives . . . mutter, mutter
The Hollywood film industry is facing a major CGI campaign to 'revisualize' all Western genre films to remove all slights to Earlier Immigrants to the US territories.
   Injuns who were wiped out will have to be reimaged to show just a small bruise instead of a fatal bullet wound and all cowboys will be reimaged as white, oppressing, nasty-bastard zombies.
reader comment“Wot, even John The Duke Wayne? Crumbs!” Bjor Fhield

bullet Is President Boris planning to lock down London just to upset the cosmetic mayor, Sadgeek K'han't? It would certainly be good for a laugh.

markerMe, Me, Me!
A writer bloke is demanding that Britain's theatres be allowed to open this month. Why? So he can stage a monologe about the rotten time he had with the Chinese plague and blame President Boris for it. Nothing like a healthy dose of self-interest as a motivator.

cross symbol You're getting really desperate for an anti-Brexit story if you start telling people that migrants are busting a gut to get across the Channel before Brexit is finalized. Like that will make any difference.

bulletQ: The SAS do a good job of taking out Talibandits in Afghanistan. What do the BGs' supporters do?
bulletA: Confect a story about a gang of rogue soldiers executing more innocent civilians than you can shake a stick @.
reader comment“Cue the grasping hands demanding cash and law firms trawling for customers.” Dred McGram

The show must go on
stakeholder Denmark to host the first three stages of the Tour de France? But not until 2022 instead of next year. What's on for 2023? A visit to Russia, or China? Or maybe even somewhere in South America? Why not!
   This year's event; entirely in France; has been put back 2 months to the end of this month. Something that most people will be unaware of is that the organizers are so worried about the threat from European vampires, that they have appointed a team of stakeholders to provide extra security.
   It is expected that the stakeholders will also leap into action if crowd numbers exceed the permitted limit of 5,000. People who refuse to wear a face mask will also become targets for staking. Snipers in helicopters will be used to take out spectators who run onto the road and attempt to maul the competitors.

reader comment“If the Washington Namelesses have players of multiple rachel origins; black, brown, white and yellow, they could be called the Washington 4Skins.” Vregas Chir
writer comment“If any Earlier Immigrants risked cancellation and joined the NFL, adding red to the mix, the team could become the Washington 5Skins. Which scores more points for inclusivity.” J.A.G.
reader comment“But not until after all the 4Skins merchandise has been sold so that everyone will have to buy 5Skins stuff to catch up.” Gorrie Zontal

Modern Jobs of Our Time No. 37: Clocker-inner
markerThe job involves camping @ the front entrance of a civil service department with a staff of around 2,000 and clicker-counting the handful of bods who turn up for work on behalf of a national newspaper running a shaming campaign.
   Type of work: undemanding
   Biggest drawback: boredom

bulletQ: If you're a Putinocrat of the financial persuasion on the run from gaol in the UK, where's a good place to hide out?
bulletA: A chateau near Nice would work.

Knee of GraceTortured concept
Is having to pay the BBC for a TV licence really going to drive millions of pensioners into abject poverty, as we are invited to believe? Will they really choose not to eat and not to use energy for heating for the sake of being able to consume the crap on TV these days? Sounds like a very over-egged pudding.
reader comment“But it makes the problem self-solving. All impoverished telly addicts will starve and/or freeze to death and no longer be an embarrassment to the Bullshit 'n' Bastards Company.” Raison Deathtrap

cross symbol Daring to notice that minorities ignore locko rules; as shown by plague surges in their areas; is a hanging offence. Sez who? The people after their votes. Surprise!

bulletQ: If you're a conman, what's a good way to avoid being sent to gaol when rumbled?
bulletA: Chomp your way to 28 stones and beyond the capability of the prison service to handle you.

wild gooseberry!reader comment“The health system in Britain seems to have gone back in time by 70 or so years and the message to the customers is back to 'don't get sick and don't get old'. Oh, brave new world . . .” Polla Minto

cross symbol+ + + Xperts declare Chinese plague a failure + + + human overpopulation crisis goes on + + + plague kills only 2% of its customers + + +

bulletSafety first
The reason why the NHS track 'n' trace system doesn't work is that people are refusing to take calls from 0300 numbers they don't recognize in case it's a cold call from someone trying to sell them dodgy cavity wall insulation or a similar domestic disaster.

markerNorth Korea is doing a pretty good job of confusing the rest of the world by claiming that the country is free of the Chinese plague and yet locking down large parts of it.

 WEEK 2      

bulletNo chance
The global warming fraudsters are not going to impress anyone with claims of a world record temperature recorded at Heathrow airport. It's a vast expanse of tarmac and concrete, all soaking up sunshine, so it's bound to get bloody hot.
   In fact, we'd be impressed only if it didn't get hot there.

markerThe lights have gone out—official
A think tank survey of the political affiliations of academics @ British universities has confirmed that the idea of academic freedom is now a myth. Anyone who doesn't support the Bremoan cause and every bit of looney left agitation and confection on offer is now careful to keep their trap shut to avoid cancellation.

bullet Locko & the Chinese plague are getting the blame for a surge in short-sightedness cause by people gawping at screens far too much to relieve bordom.

bullet Israel is denying having anything to do with the explosion of the warehouse in Lebanon containing 3,000 tons of ammonium nitrate, which turned a port into a scrapyard and wiped out a large part of Beirut.

bullet Local authorities are being given powers to let them close public buildings, crush cars and bulldoze homes contaminated with the Chinese plague. Which should do a wonderful job of spreading it far & wide.

Far Queue symbol Sir Kreepy Steamer has given President Boris a month of fix the national test 'n' trace system or he will inflict a long, bleak winter of misery on the country.

Far Queue symbol The teaching unions are sending their dimmest representatives to official briefing sessions on reopening schools. And when the twits are unable to explain what they were told, the union bosses immediately start howling for clarification.

markerHalf a mile wide . . .
The customers @ a church in Dorset are up in arms about a plan to rip out the double row of Victorian pews, which are too close together to let enormously fat bride- and groomzillas process up the aisle. The alternative is to replace pews with chairs, which can be scrunched closer together sideways to make room for a giants' wedding.

Far Queue symbol London's cosmetic mayor, Sadgeek K'han't, is planning to cut police funding by £110 MILLION to create job opportunities for the city's criminal community. And he's raising cash by imposing the Congestion Charge on minicabs, which were previously exempt, which has upset the local BLAME community, which has a headlock on the job.

Far Queue symbol Staff at a McDonuts branch in Aldershot are under the impression that face masks should be battered & deep-fried, and served up with chicken nuggets—to the startlement of customers.

Far Queue symbol The organizers of a film festival in Portland, Oregon, have cancelled Kindergarten Cop, an Arnold Schwarzenberger epic, as part of an agenda to exclude everything which shows police officers in a good light.

markerNot bloody listening
The locko Xperience is that the public will ignore advice and behave sensibly & with restraint only if they are @ some risk of being fined hundreds or thousands of pounds.

Kerching!The trade unions are refusing to cough up the millions the Labour party needs to pay compenbloodysation to targets of the Corbynista anti-Semitism campaign. Looks like Sir Kreepy is going to have to get his wallet out to fund what is being jeered at as his right-wing, pro-Semitism position.

Just hold your horses there
reader comment“Do we really want Mahatmacoat on a 50p coin? Of course, not. He's not British and what Xactly has he done for modern British society recently? How can an influence which supporters claim is HUGE be so invisible?
   “Mr. Ghandi was all about grabbing all the benefits brought by the British whilst hustling them out of his country. Putting him on banknotes in India would be a better idea as he was all about them and not about us.” Ludicro Inaudibile

Far Queue symbol Xtinction Matters—if it's not one bunch of confectors, it's another.

“And jackboots for all” or Nothing like going for a nice stroll on a sunny day . . .
Funny how they all look exactly the same in a bunch, no matter what the style of the uniform; or lack of it.

Bad news for the doom-mongers who keep proclaiming that more people have died of the Chinese plague here than in the rest of the world lumped together.
   The Health Sec. has told the bean counters to go back to their numbers on deaths from the Chinese plague and eliminate all cases where someone recovered from the plague but died of another cause, or was never tested before or after death and proven to have had the plague.

reader comment“The government's alleged Xperts threatenging to shut the nation's pubs to get schools reopened is a strangely familiar plot twist. It's like a bad guy pointing a gun at the head of a handy child and telling the cops: "Back off or the kid gets it." Only in this case, skiving teachers and their obstructive union are being told: "Get back to work or the pubs get it!"” Grail Mothra
reader comment“That shutting the pubs—is it to get under-age drinkers out of them and back to school?” Slurp McGurp

bulletGallic bloodymindedness
The testing teams for the Chinese plague in France have downed tools. Why? Becoz they're off on their summer holidays. Typical bloody French!

wild gooseberry!Far Queue symbol Greenhouse Grotter is back with another whinge. Everyone else mistreating the planet has cause the Chinese plague, which has severely disrupted her education.
reader comment“Strange that knowing she is in a state of ignorance hasn't stopped her from telling everyone else where they're going wrong.” Occasional Bling

Kerching!The BBC is gearing up to spend as many millions as it weasels out of the over-75s on attempts to Xtract a licence fee from non-payers as a principle is involved and it's only other people's money that's involved.

tick symbol The ban on booze @ football grounds, imposed 35 years ago, could be lifted to get customer back through the turnstiles. One big difference would be a requirement that customers must enjoy their drinkies in their seat to avoid having congested drinking areas on concourses.

reader comment“When did a commitment to take allegations of misconduct 'seriously' become a blanket guarantee that any and all accusations have to be treated as 'credible & true', and not requiring investigation or anything resembling proof? Oh, brave new world indeed!” Grosse Phibb
reader comment“Out of the same box is the notion that all Afrons are permanent victims and entitled to indulge in as much criminality as they like without interference by the police. And they are also entitled to carry the biggest knife they can manage and use it on as many people as they like. An even braver new world.” Hasmet Hours

bullet Nine Years to get a public inquiry started in Scotland with Wee Burney's SNP in charge? Not even close to any type of justice.

marker‘Not me, Gov’ in spades
The Putinocrats are claiming that their hacking attempts on British institutions are just fair retaliation for the millions of cyber-assaults launched on them from the UK, and they have no interest in British politics what so ever. And that's not just sour grapes for failing to get O.J. Corbynstein elected last December and failing to keep the UK in the poisoned embrace of the EbloodyU.

markerWorking from home is fine for some people. Skiving @ home, like civil servants & teachers, ain't.

reader comment“Why has the Bastard Broadchasing Company composed a 10-page letter to send to over-75s demanding a licence fee? A PC with the message 'give us the fuck'n dosh' sums up what is required very concisely.” Winkler Clodge
reader comment“With the message in BIG TYPE in case the old dear has lost his/her/its specs?” Evul Grinn

cross symbol Today's Mystery: What was the point of sewing wild oats when the craft was invented? Wouldn't tame ones be more likely to stand still and put up with it?

bulletQ: If you're in charge of Scotland Yard's drug strategy and sacking coppers who are a disgrace, what should you try to avoid?
bulletA: Being busted yourself and suspended for drug abuse.

cross symbol We might have a different squeaker ruling the Commons from Bollocks to Berko but the new guy shares the common urge to splash around taxpayers' cash on his grace & favour accommodation.

tick symbol Radical idea, radical idea!
Pay only teachers who turn up for work.

bulletQ: If you're planning to propose to your fiancée, what should you avoid?
bulletA: Setting fire to your flat by filling it with stupid little mini-candles and going out after lighting all of them.

Far Queue symbol Some head teachers think keeping schools open only until lunchtime meets the government's requirement to get them all open again in September. What planet are they from?

Far Queue symbol How long will it be before some newspaper editor confects a link between the exiled King Carlos and the late J. Epsteen? Place your bets now!

bulletQ: What's a good way to upset IRA bod G. Addams?
bulletA: Publish a book claiming he was an MI5 informer.
reader comment“Addams still alive because he got the Brits to take out his enemies with anonymous tip-offs? Terrorist, no morals, why not?” Raison Deathtrap
reader comment“The IRA sez it's nonsense but a gang of terrorists ain't exactly a reliable sauce.” Noah Chance
[Positively curdled! Ed.]

marker Tens of thousands of pensioners are conspiring to clog up the court system by refusing to buy a TV licence and defy the Beeb to prosecute them.

bullet More Xperts heard from: Face masks are causing an explosion of gum disease and tooth decay, some dentists are claiming. Which is very comforting news for the customers, who can't get an appointment with a dentist for love nor money.

bullet Angelica Mherkel is outraged at being trumped by New Zealand's president in the competition to be declared the world's most eloquent leader. Boris Johnson and Donald Trump, being English-speaking men, don't get a look-in.

bulletNothing changes
White Russia is in uproar. The streets are full of protesters demanding an end to the Soviet putinocracy, which has been lingering for three decades. And the leader of the opposition, who is claiming that the presidential election at the weekend just gone was a festival of fraud, is 'missing'.
[How very Chinese, Ed.]
updateShe's in Lithuania with her family, seeking a place of safety and an end to the uproar, which has claimed at least one life.
bullet President-for-life (or as long as the elections can be rigged) A. Lukashmachineko considers the supporters of the Opposition to be sheep and foreign-controlled actors.
reader comment“But not as good as Russian ones, obviously, if the Putinocracy is paying to keep him in place.” Frank Solstice

markerSnot me, it were them
O.J. Corbynski has announced his take on why Labour failed to win the 2017 general election, in which TheRazor May casually tossed away her majority. Top Labour party officers sabotaged O.J.'s campaign coz they preferred a Labour loss to a win by him. And the Russian actors assigned to Labour were bloody useless.

reader comment“That explosion in Beirut underlines the perils of leaving public safety in the hands of judges. They ordered the ammonium nitrate to be locked up and then lost interest in it. They think they know everything and nothing is ever their fault.” Fawkes Steinsteen

Flim on Flam
The banks were following their crystal-ball science of forecasting in 2008 when they fell into the Brown Hole of the financial crash. The Hockey Team were following their dodgy mathematical model when they predicted that global temperatures would skyrocket in the early years of the 21st century instead of levelling off.
   The government's Xperts & epidemiologists are doing the same sort of crystal-balling with their predictions about what the Chinese plague will do, which is why following their science has been rather less than successful.
   Xperts in uncharted territory are as lost as everyone else.
writer comment“An xpert used to be someone who knows more and more about less and less. These days, an Xpert is someone who knows nothing relevant about the crisis about which he/she is advising the government of the day.” P.H.T.

bulletQ: Where are okay things made?
bulletA: In a satisfactory.

bullet Pensioners of 75 and older have joined the ranks of trannies after being put in transition to becoming licence payers by the Bastard Bollocks Company.
reader comment“As trannies, does that mean they have the consolation of being able to troll people mercilessly on auntie-social meeja?” C. Onfecto Outtake

marker An open-air darts international between Scotland and England to be held in an inflatable arena? Sounds like a recipe for disaster if the arrers go astray!

wild gooseberry!Trends of Today: The Corpse Count
Listing in great detail how many slaves, small children, workers, etc. were killed and/or exploited to construct every building and institution on The Planet.
   Make-work for the confectors, great amounts of business for the firms manufacturing the weepy signs.

reader comment“If the government is planning to repurpose 5 prisons for housing illegal immigrants, what is it planning to do with the current customers? Give them a free pardon & a free face mask and unleash them on the community?” Mans Praeding

bullet The locko defying Swedes reckon they are close to achieving herd immunity from the Chinese plague.

marker 28,964 passengers observed not to be wearing a face mask by British Transport police over two weeks in July, 20% told to get off the train, just 33 fines issued.
   Kerclunk rather than Kerching.

bullet Still not one single case anywhere in the world of a school pupil giving the plague to a teacher, sez the Xpert counting these beans.

Far Queue symbol All Viking museums in the world will be obliged to close because Vikings indulged in slavery as well as piracy, rape, looting & arson.

bullet Being a meeja tycoon is no defence against being arrested in Hong Kong on a trumped-up charge these days.

markerStop panicking!
The Bonk of England has been back to its abacus and concluded that the Chinese Plague Slump is just the worst slump for 100 years**, not the worst for 300 years. So we can all relax and resume our skiving @ home feeling a little less victimized.
   Cheerleaders for the Great Frost of 1708/09^^ are relieved that it has retained its status. This was when Europe froze, thousands died and Sweden's attempt to invade Russia went pear-shaped big time. It is also something that today's global warming fraudsters are unable to explain away.
[** World War I aftermath, Ed.]
[^^ On a purely local level, cheerleaders for the bursting of the South Sea Bubble in 1720 would give the Frosters an argument, Ed.]

bullet O.J. Corbynstein is in real trouble. The boy D. Milipede has got the hump with him over Corby's attempts to wreck Sir Kreepy Steamer's stewardship of the party which Milipede, D. deserted to be paid millions in the US charity sector.
reader comment“That Thunderbirds rip-off that's calling itself International Rescue, wasn't it?” Nightsly Alien

markerPots & Kettles, come away!
A Labour MP does a whinge about rachel profiling after being stopped 'n' copped, treated politely and allowed to proceed on her merry way.
   Natch, it doesn't occur to her that if her rachel group were to be responsible for a much lower proportion of crimes committed, the police might find her a tad less suspicious.

reader comment“The teachers 'working' in the public sector need to be told that if they clock in for work; as confirmed by a GPS report by a crApp on their phone; they'll be paid. If they don't, they won't. ” Gelly Covid

cross symbol The government is thinking of ditching issuing a daily death toll for the Chinese plague as the numbers are just a fudge-up and fairly meaningless.

markerA nuclear bomb detonating in Germany would instantly kill hundreds of thousands of people, Greenpeace reckons. Wow! Who'da thunk it?

cross symbol The long-suffering people of Canada are becoming overwhelmed by the vast increase in the number of activist and single-issue advocate groups, which have sprung up during the idle times imposed by the Chinese plague.

Far Queue symbol The veganists in Denmark, which gave the world Danish bacon, now reckon they are numerous enuff to take a shot at the parliament.

bullet Kent is in danger of disappearing under a mountain of garbage left behind by coachloads of trippers attending illegal cookouts in defiance of safe spacing regulations.

Far Queue symbol Sad geeks have been calculating how much of various Canadian port cities would be destroyed by a blast the size of the one in Beirut last week. The Devil certainly does find work for idle hands . . .

bullet Maoists are claiming that they have taken over Lewes in Sussex and turned the place into a hotbed of revolution—for some reason apparent only to them.

bullet According to the dictator in charge of White Russia, a Mr. Lukashmachineko, CoCO19 is just a psychosis. And he, of course, would know.

markerThe Robots are taking charge
Planning is to be digitized and if all the correct boxes are ticked, computer will say 'Yes!' with no human intervention. Which will frustrate professional obstructionists and nasty bastard jacks (and jills) in office.
   Automation of more 'binary cosiderations' will be enabled, to use the jargonspeak of the trade, and notices will be online rather than attached to lamp posts. [Onpost, it's called, Ed.]

cross symbol All streets will have to have trees, which means that pavements will have to be wide enuff for people and baby buggies and disabled chariots as well as the trees. Anyone worked out how much extra land that will require? Thought not.

markerNick, Nick, Nick!
The police are being ordered to continue to treat all allegations as credible and true, despite the major policing disasters of the last decade. Which may just be a system for generating paperwork to make them look like they are doing someting, as every allegation will have to be accompanied by a counter-allegation of malice from the target in sheer self-defence.
   "They have learned nothing", commented the judge who investigated the fiasco around gullible coppers accepting gaoled fantasist 'Nick' Beech's tripe about a paedophile ring of top people as credible & true.
reader comment“A Serial Liars' Charter.” Nec Stadverts
reader comment“Sounds like a recipe for increasing the size of The Complaints by an order of magnitude as the targets are bound to notice they're not getting the same degree of belief as the complainers.” R.W.

bullet A presumption of guilt has been officially institutionalized @ Operation Tyrant, the police central hysteria confection unit.

markerSurprise! the manufacturers of razor blades have been doing it all wrong for ages. In fact, blades which can last for a year or more are easy to make by a different process from the one widely used at present. That should go down well with the people making use-once-and-sling blades.

markerNanny Knows Best
President MacRon is working to convert Lebanon back into a French colony in all but name. He believes that a corrupt system based on the one in France would be far better for the colonials than their own home-grown system of corruption.

Knee of GraceAnd jackboots for all . . .
Kindly order a pair for the Manchester councillor who thinks feeding pigeons in Piccadilly Gardens with bits of a sausage roll is littering and worth a fine of £130 from a plastic plod. Or £150 if payment is not prompt.
reader comment“Would you like a Sieg with that Heil, Councillor?” Polla Minto

markerA boffin has created a gadget which helps people to learn a foreign language. It zaps the customer's vagus nerve when it hears a foreign word, releasing a charge of noradrenaline, which stimulates the brain's retention process.
bullet Potential customers need to be advised that a too-vigorous zap of the vagus nerve can result in instant death.

wild gooseberry!The BIG problem of today . . .
. . . is untouchability. I'm a minor celeb and I'm untouchable. Likewise, I'm not white, I'm not male, I'm weird . . . the list just goes on and on endlessly.
   I'm a senior copper, therefore I'm untouchable by reality. I'm a judge, I'm a politician, ect., ect.

Far Queue symbol It's the Room For One More mentality one, safe spacing nil when the weather is hot.

markerThree million enormously fat people needing a gastric clamp at an average 10 grand a pop comes to an NHS bill of 30 BILLION quid. No wonder the country is broke and mortgaged beyond the hilt.

markerIt’s another world across the pond
Especially on days when President Trump has to break off a press conference because some nutter is running around outside the White House, pretending to have a gun and begging to be shot—which he was. Not a problem which President Boris has to cope with very often.

Far Queue symbolYou know a meeja woman is really desperate for attention when she starts to whinge about an interview she did with Margaret Thatcher—three bloody decades ago.

Far Queue symbolA civil rights complainer has claimed that being scanned on in-street CCTV by police facial recognition technology in Cardiff distressed him. That's confection on steroids!

bulletQ: What's a good way to get your newspaper in Iran closed down?
bulletA: Reveal that the actual death toll from the Chinese plague is twenty times what the ayatollahs are claiming.

bulletSeattle is seeking to make life easier for BLAME rioters by sacking 100 police officers, cutting the budget and forcing their black, female police chief to resign in disgust.
In Chicago, rampaging by the BLAME bunch is encouraged by the city management's lunatic policy of zero consequences for thieves and other criminals.

bulletQ: If you're trying to rob a bank in India, what's a good thing to avoid?
bulletA: Blundering about in the dark and chopping your head off with the electric cutter, which you were using to get in to the vault.

markerbulletIs anyone surprised that the Scottish government made a total bog of grading school pupils without the benefit of exams? Nope, that's what the SNP has been doing for the last dozen or so years, bogging up EVERYTHING they touch.

bulletQ: If you're a sex-pest Labour peer, what's a good thing to avoid?
bulletA: Being caught in the act of bullying someone on the way to a behaviour changing training session.

cross symbol A former Chief of the General Staff reckons that today's British army is not big enough to wage a war. Which leaves us wondering who he's eager to attack.

bullet There have been homes for retired and ailing actors for ages. Now, a charity is floating the same idea for sportspersons who have fallen on hard times. Who's next?

bulletQ: Why has Home Sec. P. Patel blasted B'n'J's ice cream as 'overpriced junk food' and the company as virtue signallers doing a cynical marketing stunt?
bulletA: Because the company got on Mrs. Patel's case about stopping illegal immigrants from crossing the Channel from France after being outed as using suppliers who abuse migrant workers.

 WEEK 3      

markerIt’s all about the bloody money
Teachers will inflate estimated A-Level grades, hoping to be paid more if they create an illusion of success. The Labour party will be on the side of the teachers because their union gives Labour money.
   And while all this is going on, kids who haven't been tested with exams will and won't be going to university, and most of the ones who get there will collect a degree which won't do their job prospects or future any good.
   Such is the legacy of Tony B. Liar's Education, Education, Schmeducation!

Splat McGatt!
egg onThe MP D. Butler (Labour) started complaining instantly about rachel profiling when the vehicle she was in was stopped and copped thanks to a thumb-fisted copper putting the wrong registration number into a PNC check.
   This turned out to be an ENORMOUS case of egg on face with over-active mouth. The Police of the Metropolis have revealed that the vehicle had tinted windows and it was impossible to know that the occupants were not of the white persuasion.
updateOther MPs who have been stopped 'n' copped haven't made a song & dance about it—and they have been at pains to point this out to the confector Butler.

bulletQ: How long does it take on average to talk to your bank on the phone?
bulletA: Three bloody hours.

markerSelective vision
Seeking asylum is not a crime, the people making money out of the illegal immigrant industry tell us. And "it is legimate to cross borders to do so".
   What they are careful to ignore is that anyone who fails to claim asylum in a safe country, like France, and sneaks into Britain uninvited, is no longer entitled to claim asylum.

bulletQ: What's a great parting gift for the 3,000 people sacked by Virgin Australia?
bulletA: A picture of one of their parked jets signed by Beardie Branson.

markerYou can’t please all the people . . . ever!
Democrapic presidential hopeful in the US Joke Bidet has upset all the other minorities by picking a female of colour as his candidate for vice president. Hispanics, Occidentals, Earlier Immigrants, etc. are all up in arms, feeling left out and certain that their special interest group will be neglected in favour of the represented 'of colour' lobby.

tick symbol Redefinition for Today—Doggers: joggers indulging in on-the-move intercourse in a public park somewhere and avoiding being face-to-face.
writer comment“I can't wait to hear the new definition of 'dog-watch'.” A.L.M.

bulletQ: Are electric bikes unsafe if some idiot falls off one and damages himself because he couldn't be bothered reading the instructions?
bulletA: Caveat emptor. And caveat anyone in range of the emptor.
reader comment“Honestly! The things some people will do to get a rush of meeja attention.” Occasional Bling

markerGermany's Canceller, Angular Mherkel, has 'strong doubts' about the honesty of the result of last weekend's presidential election in White Russia . Crumbs! That's telling the putinocrat in charge!

bulletQ: How many of the 10 Nightingale courts are actually operating and doing something to clear the monstrous backlog of legal cases?
bulletA: Two.

Far Queue symbol The protesters about the rigged presidential election in White Russia are just criminals and the unemployed, says President-Forever Lukashmachineko, equating them to the BLAME and Xtinction mobs further West.

markerGo for broke, Mr. President!
Is President Boris doing the nation a disfavour by not putting a berserker in charge of the Bollocks Broadchasing Company as the next Director General? Someone who can give the Beeb a good shake up out of its current complacency, wokeness, bias and entitlement could be only a Good Thing.

bulletQ: Can a magnitude R3 earthquake in the English Channel 'rock' the coast of Sussex?
bulletA: Shoogle it a bit, maybe; rock, no.

Far Queue symbol Labour's wonk leader Sir Kreepy Steamer is demanding record levels of grade inflation in the A Level results handed out on the basis of teacher assessments rather than exams. He's unable to resist making the results meaningless for the sake of a whinge. And let us not forget that the teaching unions pay for some of his political antics.
reader comment“What makes anyone think the extra number of kids who qualified for a university place will be able to afford the course? Or get a job when they start looking for one whilst waving a fairly worthless degree around?” Gard Ged
reader comment“No surprise that Labour is the party of grade inflation. It's all part of their endemic 'everyone's a winner even if they don't make an effort' culture.” Blown Gales

Far Queue symbol What a swine President MacRon of France is, actually daring to go on holiday whilst his country is overloaded with the Chinese plague. What a rotter!

bullet A gang of Xperts in London reckon that 6% of the population 'could have' had a dose of the Chinese plague, which is 10 times the official government estimate. Take your pick or come up with your own guess.

bullet Is the Chinese regime trying to claim that the plague arrived there on frozen chicken wings from Brazil? Who'd buy that for a dollar!

markerbullet The Gnats in Scotland have managed to claim the credit for all the propping up of the economy north of the border by contributions from English taxpayers. So that's a very nasty shock on the way for the Scots if they ever do get to vote for independence. Still, there's always the IMF to bail them out.

bulletQ: What's the fashionable disease of the moment?
bulletA: 2020 burnout.

cross symbol The BBC is being accused to taking its obsession with blackness far too far by adding gloomy to the point of invisibility lighting conditions to its mumbling actors and dodgy sound in its unwatchable dramas.

bullet President Trump seems to have acquired the votes of police officers as Joke Bidet and his running mate Kalamity continue to go for the criminal vote.

Far Queue symbol This week's Große Bollocks award goes to the boffin who blamed the Aberdeenshire train crash on gorbal warming.

bullet President Putin is providing the regime in White Russia with KGB helpers to suppress the dissenters.

Knee of Grace President Putin is not denying that the Russian vaccine for the Chinese plague, which could be based on ideas 'borrowed' from Oxford University, was tested on 'volunteers' @ concentration camps in Siberia.
   According to the man himself, it is 'quite' effective.
reader comment“It's significant that it was tested on only one of his daughters. The expendable one?” Rabid Skeptik

cross symbol Oh, dear! Trust the boffins to stick a spoke in the wheel. Doing temperature checks in the morning to decide if people can be allowed to mix with others could be a waste of time as fevers are more likely to show up in the evening if the person has a case of the plague.

bulletQ: What's the best thing to do with 400 old tyres dumped on your land?
bulletA: Load them onto a tipper truck and tip them into the front garden of the bloke who dumped them in the first place! Worked for Mr. G. Rothwell of Liverpool.

markerCSI uncertainty
Come on! Was there ever any doubt that fibres can be transferred from one person's clothing to another in a confined space without physical contact? If you need a microscope to see the fibre, it's small enough to become airborne. No matter how much that inconveniences cops trying to build a case against a deserving perp.

bulletQ: What's a good way for railway bosses to make themselves even less popular?
bulletA: Campaign for even more tax on motoring and air travel.

bullet New Zealand is really serious about its approach to the Chinese plague. A hand ful of cases brought in to Auckland? Lock the city down straight away!

markerOne in the eye for Wee Burney
Scotland's president-wannabe was never backward in flying an EbloodyU flag when Scotland received a repatriated shot of English taxpayers' cash from Urope.
   Now, President Boris is insisting that the Union flag also be flown @ infrastructure and other schemes in the interests of fairness and to remind the independence agitators what they risk giving up..

bulletQ: What does it cost not to wear a face mask?
bulletA: £100 for a first offence, £200 for the second, then £400, £800, £1,600 and £3,200. The good news is that the doubling process stops there.

Best BeforemarkerPerishless plastic
This label (right) was spotted on a plastic jar, which has turned from clear to yellow during long service. When bought, the jar contained 900 grams of Keiller butterscotch—now, sadly, Xtinct.
   The jar now serves as an air-tight container for storing teabags after a '50% Xtra for free' special-offer box has been opened. With a reminder on the base for all of us that the Good Old Days have gone and the 21st century thus far has not exactly been all that much cop.

markerNo one working from home in Romiley?
There are regular whinges in the papers from people who are outraged becoz their broadband has narrowed and they are no longer able to pretend to be doing anything other than shirking at home. Strange there have been no such probs in Romiley. Abundance of discretion or a lack of inconvenience?

Pricelessly pragmatic
Knee of Grace The Notional Truss has decided not to bother removing from its museums and show houses, items connected with the slavery and colonialism eras despite the endless agitations of confectors. The NT is telling them that the stuff will be left in place to inspire 'debate'. Just brilliant.

wild gooseberry!bullet Sensitive souls in Leicester are demanding that the word 'lockdown' be cancelled as it made them feel like lepers. Okay, we'll cancel it ONLY IF they go around outdoors ringing a hand-bell and yelling: "Unclean!".

bullet The BBC has banned the use of all words starting with the letter 'N', especially 'neutral', 'niggle' and 'non-biased'.

bulletQ: Is the Scottish government's legislation to make expressing disapproval of any bunch of weirdos a criminal offence a Good Thing?
bulletA: Only if you approve of expanded blasphemy for the masses and lynching of anyone with an opinion not sanctioned by Those People.

bullet Jellyfish are officially a hazard to sea-swimmers from Devon as far north as the Isle of Lewis in the Outer Hebrides.

markerPillock Move
20th Century Fox is no more. Disney, which bought the brand, has got the Fox out to tell everyone that it's nothing to do with the Murdoch brand and Fox News any more. But is anyone likely to be impressed by Disney's 20th Century TV in the 21st century? It just smacks of laziness and lack of originality

markerPillock Plus
19th century author Mary Ann Evans used to publish her novels under the pen name George Elliot bo preserve her incognito and secure all the advantages of reputation without the disagreeables.
   So much for her wishes. A gang of woke wonks has decided to publish an issue of Middlemarch under the author's own name. Just to be noticed themselves? Probably.
reader comment“Fascists is as fascists does.” Grail Mothra

bullet Anti-Trump elements are seeking to sleaze the US ambassador to the UK just because he was appointed by the president and he won't stand for slacking and malarky by minions.

markerInteresting question
Will all those whose first-year exam results show they got into uni on the strength of confected opinions from teachers be given the order of the boot and commanded to make a personal apology to the Education Sec. for their whinges next year?

tick symbol If snooker has a Hall of Fame, six-times world champ Rocket Ronnie O'Sullivan is in it. If only for his comment on the poor standard of up & coming professionals.

markerIt’s a shambles but so what? Here’s a pragmatic solution . . .
There have been no school exams this year thanks to the Chinese plague and teachers cannot be trusted to award reasonably accurate assessments.
   It would seem that the only way out of the current crisis would be for the government to take the pragmatic approach of pleasing all of the people all of the time.
   How? By awarding everyone an "A" grade, deserved or not, and leaving this year's 'results' out of the record books.

markerreader comment“The whole concept of exam results without exams is straight out of Wonderland, Alice's playground. Dumping the 'blame' on the Education Sec., no matter how useless he is, is just playing gesture politics. The system isn't built to cope with a pandemic. End of.” Guy Drologist
see offer!reader comment“If anything needs seeing off, it's the outfit which came up with the AlGoreithm which is causing all the ruckus. Who was that? Ofqual. End of.” Vregas Chir

see offer!markerHell, no! He won’t go!
President Kashmachine of White Russia is claiming he's protecting his country from the millions of NATO tanks parked on its western borders. Cue tanks rolling in from Putinstan to face down the imaginary threat and prevent 'the people' from seeing off one of Putin's few buddies?

bullet Thought for today: If the amount of time spend messing around with the dodgy statistics relating to the Chinese plague had been devoted to something useful, the hole we're in financially might not be quite so deep.

see offer!Far Queue symbol All the people making a living out of the trade in illegal immigrants are getting worried that this Home Sec. might just do something to the benefit of everyone else and actually see some of the illegals off.

Alien visitormarkerWhat colour is this particular book?
The Pentagon is reviving the Project Blue Book concept and setting up a task force to determine what UFOs spotted in recent years over US military bases are all about.
   Are they spy devices operated by agents from enemy countries, curious aliens or drones flown by nosy buggers doing it because they can? Not that anyone will ever be told. Until it all leaks out or someone does a book or a TV series.

bullet Medical ambiguity: coinvalid
Is it 1. someone with the Chinese plague? or 2. another person ailing with the same medical condition as someone else (but not necessarily the plague)?

bullet The Chinese are trying to push the origin of their plague back to bat droppings found in a mine in Yunnan province back in 2012 in order to take the disgusting practices of the Wuhan wet market out of the record books.

markerreader comment“Big surprise that we haven't been told to observe 'smart' spacing as an alternative to the social or safe variety. 'Smart' seems to be the buzz-word of the moment for phones, speakers, motorways, etc.” Grail Mothra
reader comment“You might want to omit motorways from your list as the so-called smart ones seem to be designed specifically to kill people.” Raison Deathtrap

bullet It's Official! labelling white people as innately rachelist is as repellent an insult as the use of the N-word to someone's face.
[Unless it's a N-word person addressing another of the same. Ed.]

bullet 'Green' roads full of cycle lanes and one-way systems will increase ambulance travel times and kill people, the College of Paramedics reckons.

tick symbol The dole in California must be absolutely brilliant if jobless Prince Hairy can afford to buy a mansion from a Russian oligarch, even if he did get a knockdown price of just $11 billion. Maybe he'll even be able to repay the British taxpayer the £2.4 million coughed up for doing up Frog Cottage before he did his wobbly and split.

alienmarker“My flag is bigger than yours!”
Gary bloody Lineker offering to turn his $40M mansion into a refuge for all our illegal aliens has set the nation wondering how many Syrian infiltrators Labour icon Pixie Balls-Cooper is currently hosting @ her various mansions, and are the two of them about to get into a virtue-flagging arse-kicking contest?

bullet Bad news for dogs in plague-free North Korea. There's a severe food shortage and dog owners are being ordered to hand over their decadent and bourgeois pets for use as 'restaurant meat'.

bulletmad, mad, mad!Cheer up! Life is completely back to normal in Wuhan, source of the Chinese plague, the regime there reckons.

bullet Anyone walking along a beach on Lanzarote and Tenerife has to wear a face mask. Anyone sunbathing doesn't. What about someone doing mobile sunbathing? Anybody's guess.

bullet President Boris will fight o'besity by banning adverts for dangerous substances like tomato ketchup from daytime TV.

tick symbol Having developed the world's first vaccine against the Chinese plague for humans, Putinstan is going on to become the world leader for vaccinating cats, hamsters and mink.

Far Queue symbol President-for-life Kashmachine has told the inhabitants of White Russia that a quick way to get further elections there would be to kill him.
   But perhaps he was very . . . very . . . drunk at the time!

bullet Oh, no! Drinking milk from cows fed on grass is better for The Planet and the environment that drinking soya 'milk', the Xperts have concluded.

Get It Now!The number of people getting their daily ration of 'news' from auntie-social meeja instead of news from a newspaper or a TV channel like Al Jazeera is falling a bit as people are starting to get the difference between opinions and facts, and realizing that the publishers/hosts of stuff on auntie-social meeja are not that bothered about ditching the fake stuff.
bullet Even so, knowing this, over one-half of online news consumers are unable to tell what is real and what is fake.
bullet 90% of children are aware of the existence of fake news. No figures are available on how many of them can spot how much alleged 'news' is actually fake.

marker It's official! There are 3.8 million refugees from the EbloodyU in Britain, not the 3.7 million of the government guestimate.

bulletQ: If you're a member of the Royal Household staff who's nicking stuff, what's a bad move?
bulletA: Flogging the rarer examples of your loot on eBay.

bullet Definitions for today: Non-Binary—has a wooden leg, like Captain Ahab.

tick symbolGood News!! There is a new mutation of the Chinese plague going around which is much more infectious but less deadly than the original strain. Definitely good for the mythical herd immunity.
bullet Herd immunity is not a phrase to be tossed around lightly in Sweden, where the official Xpert on the Chinese plague is in trouble for suggesting that sacrificing old people by not having a lockdown was a fair price to pay for making the population at large largely resistant to the plague and keeping the economy chugging along.

cross symbol Belgian boffins have come up with the notion that kids are 20x more likely to catch the Chinese plague at home than at school. That's going to make them real popular with the teaching unions!

Far Queue symbol No surprise that Wee Burney Sturgeon is not going to allow an inquiry into elderly people with the Chinese plague being shovelled out of hospitals and into care homes to cause havoc.

No harm, no foul
tick symbol Lying about your qualifications in a major way to get a top NHS job is easy as the NHS doesn't bother to do any checks. And doing a good job after you've blagged it makes everything okay, the legal trade reckons.
reader comment“Qualifications, schmolifications! Who needs them? Princess Anne has never been in the army or the air force but she's a general and an air chief marshal.” Thumper Bazzer

Far Queue symbol Irish terrorists who blew themselves up as well as other people will not be entitled to compensation from the taxpayer. The IRA is outraged.

markerA small bunch of lucky people in Germany is about to receive the socialists' dream—a state bung of over a grand per month whether they have a job or not. Can the people be bought with a universal basic income? is the question being tested.

cross symbolmad, mad, mad!Sir Kreepy Steamer will be Xtremely annoyed if schools fail to open in September. Can't have that, people!

Oh, dear! Some eateries are leaping out of Chancellor Snack's Eat on the Taxpayer scheme because of the quality of the customers they're getting.
   They are finding that the 'ten per cent offers' are rude to staff and generally too entitled to tolerate, and people aren't turning up when there's no reduced-price scoff on offer.

bullet All is not lost for deposed Hollywood mogul H. Wheensteen. Mrs. President O'Bummer thinks that he's a good egg. Or at least she did back in 2013.

Far Queue symbol Ex-president B. Clinton taking a pop at what he thinks President Trump gets up to in his Oval Office is a bit rich when you recall the antics that Slick Willy considered to be presidential. And dare we mention his association with the late J. Epstein and the personal services Willy received from one of the complainants on one of Mr. Ep's personal jets? Of course, we do.

bullet Place your bets on how long President Kashmachine of White Russia has left. Two weeks is currently hot.
No more bets are being taken on the fate of the President of Mali. He's a gonner now.

bullet Oh, dear! We're starting to hear lotz of inconvenient facts about the circumstances prior to the death of G. Floyd, the inspiration of the BLAME Bunch, from the lawyers hired to defend the four cops who were scrapegoated and kangaroo'd.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

 WOKE 4      

Sound advice!
reader comment“Where Mr. Kashmachineko went wrong was in fixing his victorious election vote at 80%. If he'd made it something like 57.3%, he'd have had more credibility, especially with a decimal point on offer to make it look more scientific.” Nightsly Alien

bullet Latvia, Lithuania and Poland are top of Putinstan's hit list of facilitators of White Russian dissent. And maybe also Ukraine. The bit that's not already been invaded and put under Russian control, that is.

markerBiological blackmail
The nation's police farces are now telling potential recruits that they must believe that all men should become women, and vice versa, and that men should be allowed to invade traditional female spaces if they feel like it, and vice versa.
   If they can't accept the new norm, they have no chance of getting a job with the modern wonky-woke police.

Kerching! A cruise round the lighthouse was last century's seaside treat. This century, it's a boat ride to get close to a stranded, empty, unloved cruise liner to experience just how HUGE they are when visited at sea level.
   No chance of going aboard, of course, but the Officer of the Day might just wave to you. £20 for adults, £10 for kiddies, cash flow for an entrepreneur with a boat.

markerRevived ways to save The Planet
One of the great problems of life is all the stuff that accumulates. Lewis's is now planning to offer household goods on rental contracts so that if you get fed up with your living space, the contents can be gone and replaced, or not, depending on how you're feeling.
   Selfridges, in contrast, is going retro with plans to become a repair centre for good stuff which has been broken a bit or become a bit wonky. Don't throw it away, Get it fixed Today!.

writer comment“Veteran cookista P. Leith has abandoned a book (fiction. not cooking) because the busybodies @ her publisher keep telling her that bitz of it are not PC? If she were a real writer, she would just write the book the way she wants to do it and damn the torpedoes. And if the publisher rejects it, go elsewhere. Or publish it herself, which is easy and cheap to do now. And if you have an established brand name, all the easier.” H.M.

reader comment“Public Health England is getting the chop for being sluggish in responding to the Chinese plague; and everything else that came its way. If that is now grounds for the firing squad, all the rest of the nation's quangocrat trough-scoffers must be trembling in their boots.
   Unless they Xpect to slide their fat bums sideways on to chairs at the replacement quango if theirs is binned. With an appropriate boost in emoluments, of course.” Bjor Fhield
[Cynical, or what! Ed.]

mad, mad, mad!Just taking the Mick
We're not so much bothered by the nation's Information Commissioner working from home some 4,500 miles away in Canada and clocking on as the staff back in Blighty are clocking off due to the 8-hour time difference.
   No, our main beef is with long-distance Lizzie sticking the British taxpayer with the cost of her transatlantic phone calls to the Ministry.

Knee of Grace Quel surprise that The Planet-saving, plastic punishing makers of those oh, so worthy BBC wildlife documentaries have grabbed millions of pounds from the world's largest manufacturer of plastic bottles.
   Chinese, natch.

markerIt’s supposed to be good 4 U
If you find your milk chocolate product tasting of peanuts in the future, don't panic. It's not a previously unnoticed symptom of the Chinese plague. It just means that the manufacturers have shoved in waste from producing peanut butter to increase the content of phenolic antioxidants to the level found in dark chocolate.

Far Queue symbol Brexit negotions in Brussels are now going backwards. No surprise there.

markerBlame the algorithm
A Daily Mail scribe complains that if he does an online search for "A-level results", he gets a lot of irrelevant stuff, which is the computer's fault and nothing to do with the lack of precision in his search request.
   Aren't computers wonderful for taking responsibility for the shortcomings of the likes of Mr. Ross!

markerLeft out again
Nothing too much in the way of rain, nothing too unsurvivable in the way of wind after pictures on the TV of the south coast getting a good lashing. Romiley is being short-changed again by Weather Control.
[Not that we're complaining. Ed.]

markerIs it StayAwaycation or PushOffcation?
Some of the advocates of staycations are changing their minds in the face of grim reality. Yobs and yobettes, who normally do their holidays abroad, have turned the Lake District into the Litter District and wreaked similar havoc everywhere else they have gone for a rave-up.
writer comment“I was much amused by the Daily Mail's weird fantasy that President Boris rushing back from his camping holiday to 'offer solace' would make the non-exam non-results all right somehow.
   “President MacRon of France has also taken a holiday despite the upsurge in plague in his country. But, strangely, that didn't make the front page.” L.G.R.

tick symbol Good news for fans of the Waverley, Scotland's historic paddle steamer. It is back in action on the Clyde after a major refit which lasted two years.

Far Queue symbol Putin the Poisoner has put another dissenter in hospital. Isn't it great what you can get away with if you're the boss of Putinstan?

markerReal or manufactured problem?
Are the French police totally useless and incapable of busting the people smugglers operating there? If they aren't, the only alternative is that they have been ordered to look the other way.
   Why? Because the powers that be have decided that it's cheaper to ignore the problem and hope the migrants get to England and out of their hair.
reader comment“A 28-year-old African bloke pretending to be 15 can be classified as a young migrant? In what part of the known universe Xactly?” Ludicro Inaudibile

markerMeltcation, anyone?
Anyone daft enough to live @ Furnace Creek in Death Valley, California, was able to watch their thermometer climb to a life-shattering 130 deg.F on Sunday, August 16th. Not quite beating the disputed historial report of a 134 deg.F day back in C20.

bullet The latest conspiracy theory about the Chinese plague is that children are silent super-spreaders, who can tolerate a huge and eminently transmissible virus load without showing symptoms.

Far Queue symbol Isn't it great, ex-president O'Bummer calling current President Trump an attention-seeker!

Many a true word spoken in jest
reader comment“That suggestion that everyone should be given an A-grade, deserved or not, as a pragmatic solution to issuing grades without an exam seems to have pretty much happened by surrendering to the opinions of teachers. Who have a vested interest in inflating the effects of their teaching.” Polla Minto

Far Queue symbol O.J. Corbynski is outraged by having only 15 mates among the 650 MPs in the House of Common Criminals. Nothing to do with his sparkling personality, of course.

markerJust not up to the job
The nation's unelected and unwanted wokish wonks are trying to censor the names of everything they don't approve of. And yet, strangely, they have raised no objections to the sale of ladyboy sofas, which are advertised on early evening television for the corruption of minors and vulnerable wonks.

Far Queue symbol Why didn't the Manchester Arena bomber's bro get a tariff of Heinz years for his part in the 2017 mass murder? Lack of imagination on the part of the judge.

Just bloody cluelessPrats in Office
We keep getting local politicians and officials, who are paid by the taxpayer to be in charge of things, doing pathetic whinges about 'lack of transparency' and a lack of clear instructions from the government about what to do with the country invaded by a nasty pandemic.
   “Stay away from other people because you can’t tell if they have the Chinese plague and they’re liable to give you a dose of it if you get too close.”
   How bloody dim do you have to be not to get that?

markerSounds reasonable
The latest theory of penguins is that they didn't evolve in and around Antarctica, they came into being somewhere around Australia and New Zealand, and adapted to create strains able to survive Antarctic freeze; the Emperors; and a strain which can live at the equator; the Galapagos penguins.

bullet Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny is now in a coma in a German hospital, which makes Putinstan safe from his exposures of the excesses of the leadership. The hospital has established itself as the usual host for poisoned opposition politicians from Putinstan.

markerIt’s what always bloody happens
"Many will turn their backs on the Tories because of the grade shambles", we are told. And get what? A Labour party which agreed that the much rubbished algorithm was BETTER than inflated opinions from teachers—until it became political expedient to claim the opposite.
   If the voters decide to go with Kreepy Labour, it won't be because they Xpect something better. It will be a case of letting the other lot do a crap job in a different way because it's their turn.
   And when the looney left have wrecked the ecomony, as always happens, the Tories will be brought back to fix things. "Lessons will be learned". But, clearly, not this one. That's why, no matter what the Tories do, they won't suffer the irreparable damage the hysterical doom-mongers are going on about.

bullet The BBC has been forced to reinsert Labour's Nonce Finder General T. Watson into a documentary about the gaoled VIP abuse fantasist 'Nick' Beech after someone tried to do Watson a favour by cancelling his part in the affair. So much for truth, honesty and lack of bias @ the Beeb.

markerPlastic lottery
The latest statistical sport is guessing how much plastic is lurking in the world's oceans. Bets are going on numbers between 25 and 300 million tons for the Atlantic. Same story for the other members of the Seven Seas.

reader comment“How pissed off would you be if you'd spent £1,2500 on a designer satchel for your offspring, only to be told that the teachers are refusing to go back to work at your child's school?” Cashier Nadal
reader comment“To the max doesn't even get close!” Blown Gales.

So much 4 ‘The Science’
When Sweden decided not to go into locko, the predictive program created by Professor N. Fergusson of University College, London, said 90,000 Swedes would be dead by the end of May of this year. The total number of deaths from the Chinese plague there up to now in August is 5,800. So much for the Xpert's Xpertise.
bullet Prof. Fergy is the bloke who predicted in 2002 that 50-50,000 people would die of Mad Cow Disease in Britain. The 178 deaths is within his range, but it was still worthless.
bullet In 2005, he reckoned that bird flu would kill 200 MILLION people around the world. 455 died, sez the WHO.

Far Queue symbol "If you think things cannot possibly get worse, trust me, they can—and they will if Joke Bidet makes the White House." Or something like that. A truly ringing endorsement from his running mate, Kalamity!

mad, mad, mad!Is that any way to gain respect? or Who’s the ray-cist?
You're a copper and a member of the BLAME Bunch. You make a complaint against white coppers which is investigated and rejected. Wot next?
   You play the race card and threaten to sue.
   Nothing if not predictable.

bulletQ: What do you get if you deface the statue of Admiral Lord Nelson in the grounds of Norwich Cathedral?
bulletA: Away with it if you're a BLAME Buncher.

markerNowt like a level playing field—literally!
The FIA, a.k.a. Ferrari International Assistance, will continue to live up to its name by giving the Ferrari Formula One team an unfairly bigger share of the pot for the next five years and an unfairly unique veto over regulations Ferrari doesn't like.

The Notional TrussFar Queue symbol Is the Notional Truss going to follow Pubic Health England into Xtinction as it has become a National Joke. Sounds reasonable for an organization which sacks real Xperts in order to pursue a wonk and dumbing down agenda.

bullet An Xpert reckons that the Chinese plague will be with us forever. Rather like flu and the common cold. Cheerful prospect.
The World Health Authority reckons the plague will be around for another 2 years. Everyone else is invited to place their bets.

Far Queue symbol The boss of the educational overseer Ofqual is threatening to quit unless he gets a pat on the head from the Education Sec. Somewhat of an empty threat, it would appear, and an invitation for him to be told: "Go on, then, bloody well quit."
updateOne of the bosses has quit. Not the algorithm bloke chairman, who made the threat, though. It was the chief regulator.

Democrat donkeytick symbol President Trump reckons Joke Bidet is more likeable than H. Clinton. Which is rather damning the poor bloke with faint praise as everybody is more likeable than Hillarious. Even President Putin.

bulletQ: How many illegal locko parties have the police had to bust up in and around Manchester?
bulletA: 40 at the last count. In fact, the police are getting so fed up with being duffed up by yobs that they are now concentrating on birthday parties for 10-year-olds.

markerConspiracy theory
Big firms are telling their staff to work from home because they don't want the extra expense of sanitizing their workplaces and keeping them sterile-ish.

bullet Rail communters are trying to blackmail the government into cancelling the coming 1.6% rise in rail fares with the threat of staying at home if it goes ahead.

markerNothing is ever achieved by this
The back-seat presidents of the news meeja keep going on about apologies and resignations—like that will make any difference. If there is a major clear-out, a new minister will end up having to deal with a crew of obstructive wonks brought in from another part of the civil service and things will blunder on much as before.

bulletQ: What do you get if you go on a meat-only diet to annoy veganists?
bulletA: A dose of scurvy in the case of singist J. Blunt.

bullet Domestic violence can't be much of a problem in Britain any more if the activists and confectors are reduced to beefing about a slogan on a Sainsbury's Roald Dahl-themed tea cup.

bulletQ: How bright is a police sergeant who demonstrates some handcuffs without making sure that they can be locked and unlocked first?
bulletA: As he needed the fire brigade to cut him loose, about 0.000001 candle power.

markerHow much use is an anti-bacterial face mask @ a fancy price against viruses? Apart from not too much, actually.

Stop all the bloody whingeing and cringing! orders President Boris. ’Yer, ’Yer!

markerNot even close to fit for purpose
The Bollocks Broadchasing Company is under pressure from 'academics' and BLAME Bunchers to bin Land of Hope and Glory and Rule, Britannia! from the last night of the Henry Wood promenade concerts to help promote their anti-British agenda. Maybe it would be a better idea to bin the Beeb instead and sign up a broadcaster which will laugh at such wonks. If there is one.
reader comment“If the Beeb can't; or, more likely, won't out of sheer perversity; stage proper promenade concerts, it should drop the idea instead of making a mockery of it.” Bjor Fhield

foot shotcross symbolOh, dear! Joke Bidet has a family sheep of non-white shade in his brood; a son who's a drunk and drug-addled, and, like his dad and most Democrat politicians, can't keep it in his pants.
reader comment“Kinda makes up for some of the jealous and petty wibblers in the Trump clan!” Slurp McGurp

markerJustice, but not as we kno it, Jim?
There seems to be a lot of discontent that the Manchester Arena bomber's brother has been sentenced to only 2½ years in gaol per life taken. It would be interesting if the Court of Appeal upped that tariff to 80 years per life taken and the murderous criminal had to wait 1,760 years before being eligible for consideration for parole.
reader comment“And the 240 years for the trio who murdered PC Harper would wipe the smirks off their ugly mugs.” Urbane Legend
reader comment“Of course, a lot of the people making a great living out of creating spurious 'uman rights would Xplode from sheer outrage if the '80 years per life' became standard. But it would be a loss we could bear quite easily.” Thal Shi’ur
reader comment“Knowing Britain's appeal judges, they're liable to decide some 'uman bluddy rights violations did happen and the accused are all entitled to get off and be awarded a council house.” R.W.

Alien visitorUpdated proverb
bullet Sometimes, there is no smoke without fire and sometimes, there is no smoke; just over-active imagination, confected outrage or fraud being brewed up.

markerSounds like a Clottish Confection
The Daily Mail is so desperate to Bomb Boris for not abandoning his holiday to do some cosmetic politicking in England that it cobbled together some rot about President Boris camping in a field next to his retreat cottage without permission and almost setting fire to the whole of Scotland. But, no doubt, the barrel can be scraped even more.
reader comment“No doubt the land owners moans were tempered by the danger of an accidental discharge of a firearm on the part of Boris' minders!” Nec Stadverts

awardGood news: we haven't lost our national sense of humour. Education Sec. G. Williamson has been nominated for the honour of MP of the Year by the general public, who also put O.J. Corbynstein on their shortlist. The gesture has had the desired outcome of sending Those People into a tail-spin!
bulletThe latest silly story about O.J. is that he can't empathize with Jews because they are all rich and he isn't.

markerFooling all of the people all of the time
The latest ministerial ploy from the government is a leak claiming that a no-deal Brexit plus a second wave of the Chinese plague would leave food shops empty and the roads also empty due to a lack of fuel. And if this doesn't happen, everyone will be happy and relieved and convinced that the government is doing a great job.

tick symbolPres. Bolsonaro of Brazil has the right attitude to journalists. If they start getting above themselves and asking cheeky questions, he threatens to punch them in the face; but he does give them a chance to change tack before he does it.


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markerTheir country, their rules
If someone know that the government of the country where he is living is psychopathic about drugs, it's difficult to get outraged if a 31-year-old foreigner, who went to school in the UK yonks ago and who knows that Singapore is the wrong place to do drug deals, is flogged with max. GBH after being caught dealing and shoved into gaol for 20 years.

cross symbol The hallowed Women's Institute is going to have to rebrand as its name has been judged in the Court of Wonk and found to be sexist and exclusionary, and therefore cryptofascist.

Far Queue symbolIt's official. British 'workers' are the world's biggest skivers, who are quite happy to lurk at home instead of going to work.

markerIt’s working . . .
"If you dumb 'em down enuff, you can flog anyfink to the idiots". Must be working if people will buy a scented candle that makes a room smell like a Glasto portabog on a Festival Day.

bullet The British Army is going to give up tanks and, in a battle situation, will rely on hacking the phones and devices of the enemy and driving them so wild with frustration when their gadgets stop working that they become unable to fight.

bullet Things are getting desperate in Spain. They're having to close brothels to slow the spread of the Chinese plague.

markerWe want a crap president and we want one NOW!
Wow, gosh! Hillarious Clinton has realized finally that people didn't go out and vote for her in 2016 because they thought she'd be crap in office. Now, she's urging America's Democraps not to make the same mistake again and go out and vote for Joke Bidet.

tick symbol There are still cases of the Chinese plague being discovered but hospitals are not overflowing. The reason why seems to be that testing is spotting people who have no symptoms and are, therefore, silent spreaders. But they're spreading the plague mainly to people who are not too affected by it.

marker The German government has come up with a great stealth tax—the cost of a compulsory ID card is going up by 30%. The French, meanwhile, have blagged €106 million from FakeBuk in back taxes for the last decade, and an increase of 50% for this year.

markerNon-significant numbers
The Greenland ice cap is melting @ a rate which would fill 6 Olympic-size swimming pools per second. Is that impressive?
   In terms of raising the sea level of a planet which is 70% covered by oceans, it amounts to 7.6 millimetres per decade. That's the width of the cap of a Bic ballpoint @ its widest point. B.F.D.

Bic ballpoint cap

bullet Inflation is on the up due to Virus Added Tax, an arbitrary levy imposed to pay for PPE and lost profits.

markerDemand supplied
Chicken rustling has become rife since locko began. There is a HUGE demand now for freshly laid eggs and the nation's animal thieves are taking chickens as well as predigree animals to let everyone who doesn't think they should be on a waiting list—and have to have a certifiably okay and lockable chicken run—get in on the trend.

markerEternally lurking . . .
Joke Bidet is like the Loch Ness Monster, Pres. Trump reckons. He pops up every so often, puts himself about a bit, and when the American people refuse to make him president, he pops back down until there is a new set of mugs to whambamboozle.

bulletQ: What do you get if you claim £100K of benefits fraudulently and send the cash to relatives in Pakistan?
bulletA: Away with it.

markerIn Sweden, where they didn't do locko, ignored the Chinese plague and let everyone the hospitals couldn't save die . . . life is pretty normal now.

bulletQ: What's the going rate for being in charge of creating death-trap unsmart motorways?
bulletA: £456K.

Safely spaced opportunity
marker The original of the escape fractal design combination Munch Mdan is to be included in a smartly spaced auction event hosted by Romiley Arts Federation at the coming bank holiday weekend.
   This iconic computer-generated image is the No. 1 poster in the RLC collection, approached only in popularity by the equally iconic "knpmfwju"**
   Offers for the Certified Origin Image of "MM" are now into the £25-30 million range and expected to go higher as the auction day approaches.

[** For the benefit of the uninitiated, these are the 'determination factors' which must be entered into the computer program to generate the image. Ed.]

markerShipmans to the left of me, Wests to the right
Brilliant idea by the London Dungeon! Anyone who has the same name as a serial killer, and who stubbornly clings to it instead of changing it, can get in for free @ this tourist attraction.

 WEEK 5      

markerAdrenochrome Yellow or Recycle, Recycle!
Apparently, the latest message from the United States is that the world is being controlled by a sinister coalition of Satanic paedophiles, cannibals and Hollywood wonks. And their machinations are being revealed by a mystery blogger known only as "Q".
   On the surface, it sounds like typical American paranoia. But when you think about it, a lot of things start to make sense . . .

Je suis

Q, Gov!
reader comment“The people in charge of our civil service and quangos certainly behave like they're all Satanist wreckers. Maybe it's true after all.” Khristy Wonk

NOT wanted on voyageFar Queue symbol Half a million pounds in legal aid for the waste-of-space trio who got away with murdering PC A. Harper confirms that come The Revolution, we must hang the lawyers first, even if it means that the odd politician and/or trade union leader escapes natural justice.

When it goes around
see offer!What makes the cancellers think they are immune to being cancelled in their turn and, therefore, wasting their time? Only their arrogance and sense of entitlement. Our glorious past can just as easily be restored to its rightful place in the national consciousness when the see offers have been seen off.

markerWe're expected to believe that only 25% of 'child' illegal immigrants are lying about being just kids. Yeah, right.

markerAll gone
If you haven't stocked up with Californian wine by now, you've lost the chance. The wildfires have wiped out the Napa Valley, where it is grown, and re-establishing the vines will take 5-7 years.
reader comment“The writer Auberon Waugh is alleged to have described Californian wine as tasting like sanitized lavatory seats. But how did he kno?” Nightsly Alien

markerToday's Terrible Truth: Goat's cheese is only for those who are unable to obtain the real thing.

reader comment“Typical BBC bollocks. In the context of the Prom concerts, 'orchestral' versions of Land of H&G and Rule, Britannia! are regressionary and the vocal parts are now an integral part of the versions used at this particular event. Removing them for bollocks BBC reasons is like playing a Mahler symphony without the string section.” Hodger Wheesht
[Cat gut used as strings, according to quick crossword compilers, animal rights fascists, yakada, yakada. Ed.]
reader comment“What the Bollocks Broadchasing Company is offering is karaoke versions of the 2 compositions so that the audience at home, if there is one, can sing along.” Grail Mothra
reader comment“Maybe the Finnish conductor who wants to kick the Britishness out of the Promenade Concerts can be shown the 'not wanted on voyage' sign. Along with all the offended/confecting ethnics with the same agenda.” Mans Praeding

markerSurprise! The bloke who was shot by the police in Wisconsin, triggering the usual outbreak of arson and looting, had a knife but that news seems to have been suppressed for maximum confection.

bulletPutin the Poisoner is repeating himself, the doctors in Germany who are treating a poisoned dissenter have concluded. A. Navalny got a dose of what was used on E. Grebev in 2015.

bulletYou don't have to be able to do a job at the BBC any more. All you have to do is contribute to the diversity count.

bulletA bit of a setback for the Xtinction bunch. They've had to drop a claim made in a climate change film that human extinction is a real possibility because it's bollocks and the real science says 'no'.

alienbullet Oh, wonderful. The Xtinctionists will be out ruining the bank holiday weekend.

bulletQ: The Notting Hill Carnival has been cancelled because of the plague. What do you do?
bulletA: Board your shop up anyway because there will still be yobs racketing around.

Far Queue symbol The graffiti pest known as Banksy has gone into the business of transporting African migrants across the Mediterranean to European countries which don't want them..

markerRepeat business
If you try hard enuff, you can catch the Chinese plague more than once. But subsequent infections have to be with a strain different from the previous one(s). Which makes the herd immunity thing even more difficult to achieve.

markerWhy doesn't the BBC give us a 'classic repeat' of the last night of the Proms if it's unable to do the event properly this year through sheer perversity? Most of the Beeb's output now is repeats anyway.
reader comment“Get off your knees, BBC and stop being so bloody wet!” Petrel Snilby
reader comment“Sir Kreepy Steamer is still on his knees. He seems to be stuck there.” Occasional Bling
reader comment“I heard he's on his knees only 50% of the time to placate half the people half the time.” Cashier Nadal

Outage outrage
cross symbol The Back to Work campaign led by President Boris is turning out to be a real necessity. Britain's infrastructure can't cope with all the skiving. Bank websites; Santander is the latest; phone networks; Vodafone is the latest; website hosts; Ionos/1and1 is the latest; internet connection providers, especially Virgin Media; are all buckling under the strain and leaving their customers lurched when they suffer an 'outage'.

markerJust business as usual
markerThere's a lot of rot being talked about the Ofqual algorithm. Such as a claim that its downgrading was 'inexplicable'. There's nothing inexplicable about reducing grade inflation to about 1%. It's no more inexplicable than going along with the grade inflation of up to 50% from teacher assessments. And the government's going along with the latter instead of the algorithm isn't inexplicable either. it's all self-interest and politics.

Far Queue symbol Being long gone and out of it is no defence against the Bollocks Broadchasing Company's licence wonks, who have sent a demand for payment to the last known address of King George III, who went to his reward in 1820. Good luck with getting the cash out of him, guys.
reader comment“President Kim of North Korea had better watch it. He has been confirmed as not dead, which means that the Beeb will be after him even if he doesn't live here. Everyone is fair game now.” Noah Chance

Tantrum Time
markerIt's amusing to watch pampered sports persons withdrawing their labour in the Untied States because they identify with people who defied the police and came to a sticky end. Let us hope their employer responds with a 'no work, no pay' response. It would be only fair.

Getting a grip needed
If mild-mannered and highly civilized New Zealand can lock up forever, the bloke who committed mass murder in a mosque, the British legal system has no excuse for not doing the same here—apart from the endemic anti-Society tendencies which are characteristic of the judiciary.

reader comment“Aren't you glad you bought those shares in a company that makes cosmetic masks!” Bodger Grut

markerClimate of opinion
All Black Lives Matter clearly doesn't apply to the Africans who sold fellow Africans to Arab and European slaver traders. But mentioning that would be inconvenient.
   All Lives Matter clearly doesn't apply to the Africans, Eastern Europeans, and Orientals running the modern slave trade. But mentioning that . . .

Democrat donkeymarkerThe cruelty of politics
Joke Bidet has to follow an anti-police and pro-rioter, looter & arsonist agenda JUST BECAUSE President Trump is supporting the police & Lor 'n' Order.
   Opposition can be real hard work at times. But doable if you don't have any principles that can't be discarded when convenient.

markerRelentless pursuit
Unfortunately, non-white citizens are more at risk from the Chinese plague than white European descendants. Finding a convincing way to blame this on the white folks is proving to be a real headache for the BLAME Bunch and their allies.
   But they're not going to give up this pointless pursuit any time soon.

markerPutting the ‘mess’ into message
Apparently, the full stop—that dot which marks the end of a sentence in properly grammatical English—is a crime against humanity and an 'unfriendly emotion marker' to wonks under the age of 30.
   Snoflakes can't be bothered to use them in text messages and they are trying to cancel the concept of a tidy end to a sentence.
reader comment“Maybe someone will offer them a crApp which automatically adds a full stop when the button to send a text message is pressed and save the lazy little buggers the bother.” Vladek Kedlav
reader comment“The fact of the matter is they're too bleedin' idle to press the full stop key to end a sentence properly. Roll on Xtinction if they are the future of the 'uman race!” Thal Shi’ur
reader comment“They obviously have far too much time on their hands if they can over-interpreting a full stop as a threat. Confection out of control..... (Some extra full stops for good measure.....)” Cergei Putinovsk.....

Daft gestures please most of the people none of the time
The Trans-Pennine rail service will be crewed in future by staff claiming any breed of sexuality other than hetero. Its rainbow livery, however, has led to complaints from NHS clappers and angry accusations of cultural appropriation.

One-way traffic
reader comment“How keen will the likes of the wonky Universities Minister be to help the middle-classes when their childeren have been rendered disadvantaged by offering unfair advantages to the children of the unwell off?” Ronald Ho

bulletQ: £17 MILLION in property seized from a drug gang by the National Crime Agency—is this a Good Deal.
bulletA: You mean, next to the £50 MILLION it will cost for detection, prosecution and incarceration?

markerCatastrophism Congealed
No surprise that the presidential election in the US is being treated as the most critical in the whole history of The Universe. Or, after a couple of storms darn sarf, that this year will be touted as one without a summer in Britain due to gorbal warming. This victim culture lark is getting beyond a joke.

bullet Thought For The Day: Will hitchhiking; now no longer encouraged because of the Chinese plague; end up becoming Xtinct because no one remembers what you're supposed to do after a vaccine becomes available?

markerReally brave new world
The BLAME Bunch seem to be doing their level best to bring apartheid to the US. If they get their way, only white folks will live in policed areas and everyone else will inhabit ghettos where anything goes. There will be riots, arson & lootin' round the clock in the lawless zones. And no shops because they have all been looted & arsonized.
reader comment“Democrap politicians and everyone else with an anti-police agenda because they are in search of the criminal vote will not be allowed to live in publicly funded policed areas. They will have to make their own security arrangements to show how independent they are.” Dred McGram

cross symbol Oh, dear! The government's Deputy Chief Medical Officer has gone soft on face masks. She reckons there's not much evidence that they prevent the spread of the Chinese plague. Bad news for the manufacturers.

bulletQ: What's the latest count for Big Cats roaming the British countryside?
bulletA: 500—half and half black leopards and pumas.

bullet Revealed: The Chinese launched their plague on the rest of the world to become the dominant power on the planet.

bullet According to a guestimate, half of the Cabinet will see a big rise in the number of houses built 'in their back yard'. Just as well that all Tory MPs are prosperous and have an enormous back yard, which can accommodate a huge amount of new housing.

bullet The bloke in Wisconsin, who was shot by the police ages ago, had a knife and he attacked the cops. A piece of news which is trailing a hell of a long way after all the confected outrage.

tick symbol No need to worry about the quangocrats and mandarins who were booted out of Ofqual, etc. As overpaid-up members of the civil service club, they'll be out with a golden handshake from the taxpayer and in somewhere else with a golden hello from the same source.
   Of course, most of the blame for the non-exams shambles lies at the doors of the teaching unions and the Labour party, but we're not supposed to notice that.

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, August MM20 like anyone cares