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Special for September—remember, remember to include your full stops and give snoflakes apoplexy!

 WEEK 1      Preventing Nitty & Gritty from becoming Knotty & Grotty



Corona Clusters

Special for Halloween!

Watch them shriek and run a mile when you open up a box of Corona Clusters!

Listen to them yell for more and more when they've been unable to resist sampling these NEW Seasonal Treats!

In stock now @
Romiley Seasonal Fun, 43 Riverside Drive

markerPragmatic move
As winter down under ends, the Australian government is considering opening Banzai Beach, where there will be no lifeguards and no marshals to enforce smart spacing, and trippers will be required to quarantine @ home for 14 days after a visit at their own risk.

Far Queue symbol In addition to the many inconveniences suffered by celebs, they are going to be subjected to scrutiny by an airbrushing police, who will infringe their right to self-expression and moan like crazy about any examples of enhancement of images they find posted on-line.

bullet If the composer isn't non-white, don't expect their music to be played @ The Proms, is this year's message.

bulletQ: How do you shed the job of EbloodyU trade commissioner?
bulletA: Go home to Ireland and play golf, and don't quarantine when you get back to Bruxelles, Belgien.

tick symbol The former Aussie PM, who's going to be Britain's trade guy post-Brexit, seems well qualified for the gig. He's upset all of the right Those People for a start. Should do a grand job.

bulletQ: How does Norway get a free trade deal with China?
bulletA: By agreeing not to give any more Nobel Peace Prizes to Chinese dissenters.

markerDe-evolution progresses . . .
More and more people aged 60 & over are climbing Mount Everest. Which suggests that whatever it is that is making such wonks out of snoflakes can also deprive oldies of any good sense they might have garnered during life's trek.

bulletQ: How do they tackle the Chinese Plague in Germany?
bulletA: By holding demos against it in Berlin. The same thing is also going on in neighbouring Switzerland.

markerBrilliant idea
If people are going to retitle best sellers such as the murder mysteries of Agatha Christie, what's wrong with sticking as close as possible to the original title? For example, Ten Little Niggles.
   And if Those People confect outrage about it, HTFK?

reader comment“The current Untied States was once called Fredonia. A land inhabited by Freds? Makes the place sound much more friendly.” Nec Stadverts
[Sounds like something we should be encouraging the use of. Ed.]

A better class of hero would be nice
reader comment“What would be nice is for the rioters, etc., to do it following the demise of a fine, upstanding citizen rather than someone who required the attention of the police and came off second best when they started a ruckus because they felt entitled and the laws of the land didn't apply to them.” Ludicro Inaudibile

markerFroth & bubble
Wee Burney First Meenister is planning to use the crisis caused by the Chinese plague as a vehicle for addressing the many deep-seated challenges that Scotland faces.
   No. 1 on her list should be the challenge of making the country self-sufficient and not reliant on handouts from English taxpayers. This is a vital pre-condition if she is ever to promote herself to the status of Wee First President.

markerReality bites
The Labour party in Scotland has realized that Scexit from the UK would lead to turbo-charged austerity there. Nothing like a dose of opposition for confronting politicians with the realities of reality.

markerThe end of country life as we kno it
Farming is heading for Xtinction, especially in Scotland, the Xperts reckon. The combination of the Chinese plague, Brexit and gorbal warming is creating a slump in confidence, which is leaving farm workers unable to get out of bed in the morning.
   The only hope for the nation's food supply now is hydroponic farming on an industrial scale near cities—reducing the length of the transport chain—to produce grain and vegetables in sufficient quantities. And trade deals with Australia, Denmark and New Zealand to top up depleted supplies of meats of all descriptions.

bulletQ: You teach @ a university and you don't want to go back to work because you like being paid to lounge about a home—what do you do?
bulletA: Confect a scare story about reopening universities causing a Chinese plague avalanche due to clottish students putting themselves about and forgetting safe spacing because they're too drunk or drugged up to know what day it is.

markerLost era
laughing manThe Fast Show retrospective on the Gold Channel at the bank holiday weekend; and eternally On Demand; served as a reminder that it was possible to create a first-rate TV comedy show without diversity as late as the mid-1990s. These days, there would be a token white bloke in the cast; a real miserable bugger; who would also be the token bloke.
reader comment“Seeing ancient clips from The Fast Show underlines the merits of focussing on the material—rather than attempting to include every minority and gang in the cast for virtue's sake and producing something which is mostly crap.” Emma Luvvy

Far Queue symbol We seem to have done a good job of upsetting the French, who are now in the process of trying to collapse the Brexit trade talks because we won't let them fish in our waters as of right and subscribe to rules made in Brussels with no consultation.

Far Queue symbol Organizers of illegal raves can now be hit with a £10K fine. Whether they will pay up remains to be seen.
bullet O.J. Corbynstein's dotty brother, Piers, collected such a fine for helping to organize a rally of conspiracy theorists, who claim that the Chinese plague is a hoax. At least Potty Piers got his mug on TV during the week as some small compensation.
reader comment“There's some tool going round Romiley putting stickers on public property, such as the box for the button for the traffic lights @ the crossing in the middle of the village, directing people to some phoney baloney website claiming the Chinese plague isn't real.” Gorrie Zontal

marker A good way to skive off school these days is get yourself sent home for joke coughing.

markerbullet Up to 90% of the people diagnosed as having a case of the Chinese plague might not be carrying enough of the virus to infect other people, the Xperts are now telling us. Which means that the testing that's being done; or not done, in some cases; is largely cosmetic and a waste of time and taxpayer's cash.

Definitions for Today: Igloo—an Arctic public convenience

bullet New York in the Plague Year is turning into a ghost town as the people who are able to, flee the city. An invasion of incontinent vagrants, prostitutes and drug dealers has turn the place into Nasty York.
bullet The good citizens of Kenosha, Wisconsin, are now doing their best to turn where they live into a charred, arsonized wasteland. So much for civic pride.

markerLotz of jobs
Delivery drivers are being recruited to the task of telling local authorities where potholes in the nation's roads are located. All that is needed now is a corps of volunteer who will boot clueless council officials mercilessly until they get the offending chasms repaired.

markerThe Liberals are not to blame for their poor performance in general elections, the party bosses reckon. It's all down to the useless general public, who have lost touch with the party.

tick symbol Chilly weather on Bank Holiday Monday achieved safe spacing effortlessly by thinning the ranks of beachgoers considerably.

markerThe levelling force of The Universe
Sandwich bar companies are shedding staff by the thousand because people are skiving at home instead of going to work in cities and buying sandwiches.
   At the other end of the business, companies which create the materials to go into sandwiches are closing down their production facilities due to outbreaks of the Chinese plague.
   Result? There are no people to make sandwiches, nothing to go in them anyway and no one buying them. A perfect balance.

Alien visitortick symbol President Trump & Co. have deployed an interesting political tactic. If someone like Sleepy Joke stops being incoherent and incompetent when delivering a speech, the Trumpists demand a drug test to find out if he's on something.
reader comment“Not a tactic which will be of much use if Joke is under mind control by aliens and they've suddenly got the bugs out of their crApp.” Linus Rillek

markerAll hands to the pumps
Everyone who's a bit medical is to be trained in the art of sticking a needle into someone else's arm to deliver a shot of vaccine for the Chinese plague when one is developed. They will also dish out flu jabs to make sure demand is met.
reader comment“Dentists and physiotherapists, maybe. But will we get hypnotists and homeopathists joining in?” Holly Ablance
reader comment“Large numbers of people should be able to do a DIY job as the medical trade recognizes that an injection is not a difficult clinical procedure.” Prem Aretta

Far Queue symbol FakeBuk is throwing a wobbly in Australia's direction. If the Aussie government makes FB pay sources for the news it uses, there will be a boycott. BFD.

bullet The teenage Chancellor has been warned by wiser heads in the Cabinet that tax rises would be like acid rain upon the green shoots of recovery. Especially if they fall only on the middle classes rather than every bugger.

markerPlain perspective
You say guiltsploitation, we say feel-good facilitation. That's the message coming from the industry body which represents most of the companies which flog over-priced and pointless tat.
reader comment“In other words, the industry body for companies Xploiting mugs who want to wave virtue flags. Which, don't get me wrong, is a Good Thing because the Supreme Being of the Universe puts mugs on the planet specifically to be Xploited.” Cashier Nadal

bullet The new boss of the Beeb is threatening to bin hissy looney left 'comedies' as part of an impartiality and bias-free agenda. Whether he will actually dare to do it remains to be seen.

bullet There are people around who were prepared to wait for Three Hours!! to get one of Chancellor Snack's "Grub on the Taxpayer" deals. Sheesh!

Kerching!A quid for a ciggie? That's pretty much the minimum price in Australia after the government shoved the tobacco tax up for the second time this year taking the total hike to +25%.

bullet If it makes sense to them, good luck, but Iran's Supreme Court has gone along with giving a dissenter two death sentences. Plus 6½ years in gaol and 74 lashes. No wonder people think foreigners are weird and lacking a sense of proportion. Or even contact with reality.

bullet A. Navalny, the inconvenient exposer of Russian government corruption, was poisoned with Novichok, the German doctors treating him have determined. Putin the Poisoner is repeating himself to tell everyone he doesn't give a monkey's who knows he did it.

markerSensible move
For the benefit of anyone wondering why shrinkologist S. Freud's private and office rooms have been opened to the public in Vienna without furniture—it's not to prevent people with the Chinese plague from parking on it and contaminating it. The real reason is that Freud took all of his stuff all with him when he moved to London when World War II hotted up and the organizers are too mean to replace it.

bulletQ: How do you spot someone from a German-speaking area of Switzerland?
bulletA: They're most likely to be the one not wearing a bank robber mask.

markerJustice @ a snail’s pace
The French satirical mag Charlie Hebdo is to republish the Mohammet cartoons which were used as an excuse for the massacre of 17 people by Islamists in 2015, 12 at the magazine's offices and the rest during the police pursuit of fleeing terrorists. This is being done to mark the trial of 14 alleged accomplices of the Islamist terrorists Three will be tried in absentia and may already be enjoying their 172 virgins.

bulletTaxis are going Xtinct 'coz the travelling public ain't no more. Business is down to 10% of pre-locko levels in many areas.
bullet Parents waiting 5 hours in a queue to buy a school uniform show true grit. A temporary relaxation of uniform rules would make too much sense to be implemented.
reader comment“What is it going to do to the poor old enviromint if school togs have to be washed every evening? All that detergent and particles of cloth and plastic heading, ultimately, for the world's oceans!
   “Still, it's all security of employment for the mint-watchers, who count up these particular beans.” Sue Pamaket

Far Queue symbol The employees of plastic bag manufacturers to picket the offices of the Daily Mail for obliging the teenage Chancellor to double the tax on plastic bags, causing mass redundancies in their ranks?

bullet The Big Competition of the Moment: spotting an example of something which hasn't been dumped on a beach or @ a beauty spot somewhere by some clueless litter lout.

tick symbol An international survey has found that people of age 40-60 tend to be optimistic "glass half full" types. Millennials, in contrast, are more: "Who drank half my drink? Waaaaa!" types.

Working is now Wonkingreader comment“It is beyond dispute that the BBC spends far too much time pandering to the whinges of people who don't merit the attention. Will the arrival of a new director general change this? Past Xperience leaves us unoptimistic.” Mik Heil (brother of Sieg)

bulletQ: What do the Russians do about a sports anti-doping tsar who takes his job seriously?
bulletA: Fit him up with a financial scandal as an excuse for bringing in a replacement who will go along with doping as usual.

bullet Altered pejorative: Thanks to the march of diversity and casting to the sidelines of everyone who is white and non-female, S.O.B. now stands for Some Old Bloke.

Far Queue symbol The Xperts are grotting all over doomy warnings of a second wave of the Chinese Plague from Health Sec. Hancock's Half Hour. Not happening, the Xperts say. Any rises in detected cases are due to better testing and spotting symptomless young people, who ain't gonna die.

Far Queue symbol Trust the bloody Welsh to moan at the Met Office for adding to next year's list of storm names a Welsh name which translates as Storm Sunshine.
reader comment“Nice touch of irony there, considering it's always bloody raining in Wales. In fact, it's amazing they have a word for sunshine!” Dai Lupp

Knee of GraceEducation, education, education
It has been revealed that President Boris had training in sexual harassment and bullying with a gang of other MPs during the last bank holiday weekend. The instructor for the course is reputed to have commented: "He definitely needed the training because, quite frankly, Boris is crap at both harassment and bullying."

2 cactitick symbol Galaxy Chocolate Chip Cookies have been declared the best biscuits in the Universe in a poll.
   The binary compartment design of the biscuit containers also makes them good homes for a couple of cacti . . .

cross symbol O.J.'s bro, cellbound Piers, has a shotgun approach to everything conspiratorial, apparently. But he does get things right occasionally, if only by accident. He doesn't buy the not-so-great global warming fraud, for instance.

bulletQ: How do you get rid of the boss of an organization these days?
bulletA: Play the rachelism and bullying cards.

markerThe tougher the talking by the Home Sec., the lower the rate of deportations of uninvited migrants, the bean-counters have found. Clearly, there is at least one lesson here which is not being learned.

tick symbolZwoundfünfzig Luftballons
What's a good way to get yourself noticed these days? Strapping on 52 large helium balloons and soaring up to 25,000 feet above some Arizona desert before parachuting back to the ground worked for the illusionist and self-torturer D. Blaine.
reader comment“He might have got as far as the International Space Station if he'd used the full neunundneunzig Luftballons, as Nena recommended.” R.W.

marker "We must all keep eating for Britain"? Isn't that what made Brits the fatties of the known universe in the first place?

markerIsolated ineffectiveness
Taxing the demand for handy plastic bags is being touted as Saving The Planet. But let us not forget that the UK is just one of 192 nation states (at the last count). Which means that the argument for carbon dioxide emissions applies here. Reducing ours to zero makes bugger all difference if no bugger else does the same. Same with plastic bags.

laughing manbullet 'Tis the season for spreading disinformation about foreigners via offering 'equivalents' for common English phrases. F'rinstance, we might say that someone's suit fits him like a glove. The disinformers would have us believe that you can flatter a German by saying he looks like he has a bucket on his arse. Yeah, right.

tick symbol The new boss of the Beeb is planning to create an environment of impartiality and lack of bias by ordering his minions to stop moonlighting and writing wonk rubbish on aunti-social meeja.

markerAttention, you dictionary scribes
There's a distinction developing in the field of cations. We have a staycation, when people stay at home and don't go out, and an awaycation, when people go on holiday to a different part of the country.
   No doubt the terms will be multiplied to offer one for people who stay at home but do go out to restaurants, on day trips, etc. And another for people who go on an awaycation to somewhere abroad.

markerBritain's only ever black chief constable, now long out of the firing line, seems to be doing his best to talk his fellow dermashadists in the criminal community into getting entitled enuff to persuade a member of the currently active police to shoot them. Rioting and arson about to follow? Seems inevitable nowadays. Telling them to be law-abiding would be a lot better. But probably ineffective.

Knee of GraceDose of reality needed
Working @ home leaves you socially inept, is the latest 'Get back to work, you bastards!' incentive. Invisibility also excludes you from office politics and can exclude you from the promotion chain.
   This has been confirmed by research in the US. Social skills really do give people an advantage. Nice guys get on, nasty ones don't—reversing conventional wisdom.

markerTrust in v. short supply or We kno a lie when we hear one
The BBC confected the fuss about the lyrics of the Proms standards in order to distract attention away from some even more heinous crime against humanity? That sounds only too likely.
   As M. Poirot would say, "We have been climbing up the wrong tree, Hastings."

Official Wonking Zonebullet The Daily Mail has claimed the credit for bludgeoning Dave, the new boss of the Beeb, into cancelling the wonk decision to cancel the vocal parts of the Proms standards.
reader comment“Is this the same Dave as the one the TV channel is named after?” Raison Deathtrap
reader comment“Looks likely, going from the amount of BBC programming which is recycled on Dave.” Thumper Bazzer
Far Queue symbol Tone, the binned ex-boss of the Beeb, is claiming that the vocals were cancelled for artistic reasons. Translation: anti-British wonkiness if other songs were down on the programme list to be performed by a soprano and the BBC Singers.

Far Queue symbol Civil servants are threatening to go on strike if they are told to go back to work in their office. Fine. No work, no pay. See how they like that.

markerThe Ministry of Defence is lending a £6 drone, which was commissioned for spotting Talibandit terrorists in Afghanistan, to the Border Force to assist with the BF's mission of hoovering uninvited migrants out of the Channel.

markerReality, no matter how useless
Acting, as a trade, is on the way out—if it's not there already. Diversity and wonkiness demand that roles in future will go only to people who fit the description of a character down to the last wart, pimple and defect, and every relevant item of personal background experience. Pretending has been wonked into the dustbin of history.

Far Queue symbol Our Welsh correspondents informs us that two climbers have been stuck with fines for breaking safe spacing rules after getting into a punch-up in the queue to stand at the top of Mount Snowdon.

markerLondon's cosmetic mayor, Sadgeek K'han't, has been accused of putting lives at risk and polluting the environment. His street barricades to keep motorists off them in favour of cyclists are preventing ambulances from reaching customers and binmen from collecting household refuse.
   A council tax strike for breach of contract to follow at least?

bullet President Trump has proposed an interesting test of the much reviled US Postal System's ability to deliver—he's telling voters to vote in person and also by post to find out if both votes are registered. It's illegal, but if enuff of them do it, the alleged justice system won't be able to cope.

Far Queue symbol Lawyers milking the asylum system for fun & profit have cost the nation £1,000 MILLION in the last year. If Mr. Snack is looking for something to tax, maybe he could start with their ill-gotten gains.

No criminals, no troublemarkerSome hope for the future, maybe
The cultural appropriation whingers are starting to get the odd well-deserved kicking. Successful non-white persons, e.g. Sirs T. Phillips and T. McDonald, feel obliged to point out that jobs should be awarded on merit rather than to fill diversity quotas. Maybe that light at the end of the tunnel ain't an onrushing train after all.

reader comment“If blokes can say they're women, and vice versa, what's wrong with an American history professor claiming to be black when she's really white? Anything goes now.” Vregas Chir

markerA bucketful of the insolence of office
The Scottish Crown Office; their equivalent of our Can't Prosecute Mob; has admitted carrying out malicious prosecutions against the businessmen involved in a buy-out of Rangers FC in 2012.
   Settling the inevitable compensation claims, plus 2 arms & 2 legs for the legal trade, is Xpected to cost the taxpayer £100 MILLION. The malicious prosecuters are Xpected to get away with it, though.

bullet Blackpool has been illuminated in secret to prevent crowds from gathering to spread the Chinese plague. The lights will be on for 2 months longer than usual this year; not that anyone is likely to notice.

bulletQ: Why hasn't the Kremlin been shown any evidence of Putin's latest poisoning?
bulletA: To prevent it from vanishing.

markerMove along there, nothing to see
The BBC is claiming that the national governments of the UK components have created different quarantine rules for arrivals from abroad deliberately to confuse travellers. But the simple truth is that it's just the Scots & Welsh politicians playing silly buggers, as usual.

cross symbol Dave, the BBC's new boss, is threatening a bonfire of non-jobs and cancellation of the people being paid for not doing anything useful. Will there be anyone left when he's done? we are now asking ourselves!
reader comment“If gary bloody lineker is still there when he's done, we'll kno he was talking through his hat.” Petrel Snilby

tick symbol Luvvie ektor I. McKellen doesn't think ex-Aussie PM T. Abbott should be in charge of Britain's trade negotiations post-Brexit. Which has to be a pretty bluddy solid recommendation for someone who has actually been in charge of a country which has done its own trade negotions.

The Premiere League has started to distance itself from the BLAME Bunch now that its sinister side has become common knowledge and people are deciding that masked blokes in flak jackets don't look much different, threatwise, from blokes in white pointy hoods. Gesture made, there are other virtue flags to be waved.

cross symbol Sleepy Joke Bidet is offering an alternative history course containing such gems as some black guy created the first practical electric light bulb, not Joseph Swan, who's white and British. Or fellow American T. Edison, who also committed the crime against humanity of being white. Thanks for that, Joke.

Far Queue symbol Britain has nothing to fear from a No Deal Brexit as the growing boycott of things Europeon is creating a No Trade Situation anyway.

reader comment“Dave the Leader, we are told, took his title so seriously that he didn't know what to do with himself after being binned following losing the Brexit referendum. But being locked in his garden shed cum gipsy caravan for a few months helped him to realize he'd become irrelevant.” B'one Vidl

markerExaggerate, exaggerate, exaggerate
markerGlasgow and other areas, mainly south of the border, in lockdown? The residents are being told only to abandon going to other people's homes. It's not an actual lockdown with shops shut and no one allowed out. Typical drama queen stuff and meeja hype & bollux. Especially from Greater Manchester's cosmetic mayor.

reader comment“If civil servants don't do travelling as they have decided to work @ home, they are due a pay cut because travelling is figured in to their salary. See how they like that.” Bodger Grut

markerThink of a number and it’s as good as any other
Surprise! The Xperts might not have a clue about how many people have been infected by the Chinese plague as the tests for it could be detecting dead virus cells and creating lotz of false positive results.

tick symbol The latest ploy to get kids back to school from the Xperts is a claim that they are more likely to catch the Chinese plague at home than @ school.

bullet In New Zealand, a Chinese plague crisis is two deaths in a 24-hour period after a long spell of none at all.

 WEEK 2      Look but DO NOT touch

markermarkerPresident Boris is doing a great job of upsetting the Daily Mail editorial mob and the scribes by refusing to jump through the hoops they set up for him. They have turned positively peevish with frustration!

marker50% of the working population of Switzerland is supposed to be feeling emotionally exhausted. What the bluddy hell have they been up to?

markerIdentified Flying Oaf
There's a new hazard to air travel in California—airliners climbing through 3,000 feet, or descending to a landing, are liable to have a close encounter with some idiot with a jetpack strapped on his back.

reader comment“How will gary bloody lineker know if his mansion guest is a genuine refugee or just some chancer from Africa? I think we should be told.” Rabber Gee

markerFar Queue symbol Typical EbloodyU. We can have the H20 and plastic bitz in our territorial waters but the fish are theirs. Anyone on our side who thinks that's reasonable deserves to be cancelled vigorously.

markerWould you like pronouns with that?
Doctors are being told not to use non-medical terms like chubby and plus-size when talking to the nation's o'besists. They are being encouraged to ask the customer to specify a preferred adjective.

Blame the BunchbulletQ: If only 93% of coppers want to be armed with super-zapper tasers, what do the rest want?
bulletA: Given the amount of getting away with it going on, RPGs or even tactical nuclear weapons would be reasonable aids pour décourager les autres.

Risk management
The Xperts reckon that people who have a regular bath are more likely to croak in the tub than die of the Chinese plague. Which is a great Xcuse for those averse to cleanliness. And an Xcuse to put a premium on face masks which can Xclude prongs as well as letting people pretend that they won't get the plague.
bullet Well under 0.1% of the population has died of the Chinese plague. Which still isn't all that comforting.

bulletQ: Who qualifies as a celeb to go on a BBC flagship prog?
bulletA: How about a former Labour Home Sec., who lost her job when her husband put his porn films on her taxpayer-funded Xpenses, and lost her seat in the Commons shortly afterwards. She is currently a pundit. Celeb enuff?
bulletQ: That bit about being a former Labour minister would be the credential?
bulletA: In one.

bulletQ: How can you tell your neighbour hasn't croaked of the Chinese plague?
bulletA: From the regular crash of empty wine bottles going into the brown bin.

markerInstitutionally inept
Surprise! A serious survey of the system used to monitor terrorist criminals after they have been released from gaol has been carried out, and the conclusion was that the system is total rubbish. Failing to use polygraph tests when quizzing freed terrorists is a crime against the community, and the people running the system are incapable of appreciating the seriousness of the terrorist's offence and the trial judge's sentencing comments.

bullet The GMB—Girls are Made to be Bullied—trade union is living up to its name.

markerBrilliant idea!
The bosses of the army are planning to blow half a million quid of taxpayers' cash on a team who will spread wonkiness among the people who are expected to defend the nation in a time of trouble.

Far Queue symbol The Labour party plans to try to kid the nation that Sir Kreepy Steamer is a hero lawyer, who saved the nation from being wiped out by Islamic terrorists. Bound to work.

marker In the Land of the Fredonia, it is now possible for an academic to be suspended from his job because some cloth-eared wonk imagines he/she/it has heard something on the banned list of words—even if the wonk is out of his/her/its tree.

markerFar Queue symbol The Xtinctionists reckon the only way to get their message of doom and dismay on the front page of newspapers every day of the week is to blockade printing plants to prevent newspapers from being distributed.
   The Home Sec. has ordered the police to get stuck in to the wonks thoroughly and without mercy.

Climate change is now the No. 1 excuse for national and local governments failing to provide effective flood defences and maintain existing ones, allowing homes to be built on known flood plains, failing to maintain the integrity of public furniture such as roads and railways, etc., etc.
   No matter what the fraudsters say, the climate does change and the fraudsters can't do anything about it. And if the wonks in office won't keep up with the changes, we need a new set of wonks. Pronto.

bullet + + + Paddle steamer Waverley clobbers Arran pier + + + Is the ship broken? is first question + + + A few 'umans a bit damaged but no worries + + + Main concern is poor old ship + + + Lotz of 'umans around but Waverley is a one-off + + +

bullet The tactic of making up something outrageous, attributing it to President Trump and lining up a gang of outrage confectors to be upset by the invention is still being used in Fredonia.

0/10, just not trying . . .Far Queue symbol
Greenhouse Grotter thinks that if she goes on STREJK from school, the climate will go back to how things were in pre-industrial revolution days Which has to qualify as the world's worst Xcuse for bunking off school.

bullet Scottish taxpayers are having to cough up half a million quid to fund a scam to shoehorn cosmetic ethnics in to leadership positions so that Wee B. & Co. can wave virtue flags.

markerPolitical Primer
Communism is all about telling the biggest and grandest lies possible about the Blessed Leader and sticking in a concentration camp, anyone who doesn't do a good job of pretending to believe the baloney. After stealing all their money and stuff, of course.
   Fascism is much the same but the storm trooper uniforms are much smarter.

Far Queue symbol The president of the National Union of Students wants students to stay at home unless they are non-white, unrich, disabled, homosexual, or don't know which gender they are. This, she reckons, will prevent a second wave of the Chinese plague.

bulletQ: What do you say to someone who claims they hate flying?
bulletA: Ask them if they consider crashing out of the sky a blessed relief from their torture.

Woke is no JokemarkerAn Xpert view
There are no woke jokes, Xpert in the field J. Cleese has noticed. Which means that if the Xtinctionists have got it wrong and the world doesn't Xplode within the next decade, it will become a grim, grey, humourless, PC trudge.
   Which will be a whole lot worse than death.

bullet The Scottish Liberals are keen to find out how many mental cases there are in Police Scotland.

cross symbol The Williams Formula One team, which has been struggling for a long time, now has no connection with founder Frank Williams and his family. A name change by the hedge fundamentalist new owners is expected in due course for a fresh start.

Far Queue symbol Surprise! A bloke who works for the little read Independent was one of the wonks behind last weekend's blockade of the printworks owned by the Much More Successful Murdoch organization.
   The Home Sec. is talking about beefing up the law governing disruption of legitimate businesses but as that will take months, years, it's just booting the issue in to the long grass. Making the police and the courts apply existing laws would cure the problem, especially if it hits middle-class wonks in their pocketbook.

markerUntouchable creeps
Having to lug plague-ridden Xtinctionists into custody is spreading the plague in the ranks of the unfortunate coppers @ a hell of a rate. Maybe long industrial tongs would be some sort of answer to the unclean yobs. Or they could just be shot and left to be hoovered up by a road-cleaning machine.

tick symbol The answer to the problem of the Chinese plague for the Tokio Olympics could be to stage two events in widely separated cities next year. One for people and spectators with it and one for those without it.
reader comment“And maybe a third event in another city for the don't knows?” Urbane Legend
[Vosyemgeigast'v or what! Ed.]

bullet Small earthquake in Beds & Bucks, no buildings collapse, no one dead. A resident of Leighton Buzzard described the event as the first bit of excitement the area has enjoyed since the Great Train robbery of 1963.
   Romiley has enjoyed(?) five shakings since then, the last of them in 2008, which leaves the residents certain that they are overdue for another.

markerNo need to panic now
The Second Wave of the Chinese plague will not arrive until the spring of next year, the Xperts reckon. The winter weather will discourage people who are likely to be badly affected by the plague from going out, and they certainly won't want to receive possibly plague-ridden visitors, even if they are dressed up like Santa Claus.

bullet The BBC Moonies are to blow a million quid of licence-payers' cash on asking their staff how the Beeb can be made wonkier.

Far Queue symbol The EbloodyU—putting the 'lie' into 'outlier'.

There seems to be some confusion about this but kneeling for the BLAME Bunch doesn't mean you share their poisonous philosophy. It can just mean you don't want to stand out in a crowd of kneelers by remaining standing and risking a violent assault.

markerSneaky, or what!
The exterminated Islamist terrorist O. bin Laden used to entertain as well as inform his troops by hiding instructions to them in porn videos, the Xperts now reckon. That's their conclusion from the vast stash of porn found at the late Laden's refuge in Pakistan in 2011. Or he was just a dirty old man . . .
reader comment“You could apply the same charge to the Xperts if they've spent the last 9 years watching the stuff.” Doktor Kto

bulletQ: If you have an electrified bug swatter, what's a good thing to avoid?
bulletA: Blowing the roof off your kitchen whilst doing furious and reckless swatting.

tick symbolThe Patel Report: Our current Home Sec. was tough with wimpy and obstructive civil servants but not enough to justify sacking her, President Boris reckons.

cross symbol The family which started a HUGE wildfire in California with a firework could be landed with a bill for BILLIONs of dollars to cover the cost of putting the fire out and rebuilding. Not that they have any hope of paying it. But we live in a era of pointless gestures.

bulletQ: How do you know you're watching a peaceful demonstration Fredonia if there are arsonists involved?
bulletA: If the bloke who sets fire to his trousers with his own Molotov cocktail is a Democrat, you are—according to Joke Bidet's supporters.

Far Queue symbol Auntie-social meeja are cool with hosting stuff telling putative migrants to the UK how to get in touch with people-smugglers. They need the advertising revenue?

Far Queue symbol The next demand from the EbloodyU is expected to be for all the fish in all of the UK's inland bodies of waters—rivers, lakes, fish farms, garden ponds and goldfish bowls included.

markerSeverely Limited Options
The public in Fredonia are on the way to a dose of grim reality. The police there are being backed into a corner. Soon, they will have just 2 choices when they come across someone who feels too entitled to be arrested after breaking the law, especially non-white citizens, or someone who is drugged up or insane and a danger to the public.
   No. 1: Get back in their cars and drive away.
   No. 2: Shoot the problem dead right away.
   Nothing else is working.

markerO, tempora!
According to Jobcentre wonks, it is now illegal to ask for 'happy' people in a job advert for staff who will meet the public as it discriminates against miserable bastards, who will kill the business stone dead in no time flat by driving potential customers away.

Vanities, bonfire, and like that . . .
The Depts. of Transport & Health, and the Home & Foreign Offices have been given more than enuff slack to confirm that they are staffed & honcho'd by useless dreks.
   Desperate Dom now has abundant justification for mass cancellations in all of them. And the Joint Biosecurity Centre is also a candidate for going the same way as the binned Public Health England.

bullet The UK is now officially in a Failspin.

markerThey kno who you are and what you are up to, guys
Auntie-social meeja companies plan to put a freeze on new political advertising in Fredonia in the week or so before the coming presidential election to prevent sinister forces from using adverts & messages to direct thugs & arsonists to places where they want trouble caused.

Far Queue symbol Even the mild-mannered Swedes have lost patience with the posturing of Barnier, the EbloodyU's negotions stooge.

cross symbol The greater the emphasis a society places on diversity, the less tolerant the advocates of diversity become. Only in a really twisted & perverted society does this make sense.
reader comment“It seems to be an inevitable consequence of people becoming too lazy to think for themselves and yobs being up for violence @ any flimsy Xcuse.” Cergei Putinovsk

markerLiterary Definition : Faction
A volume in which the characters share the names of real people but the misdeeds and crimes ascribed to the characters are confected to promote outrage against the real people with the same names.
See Also: Memoir, Fake News

Far Queue symbol As President Boris is encouraging people to get back to the workplace, Wee B. in Scotland is doing the opposite and telling her customers to stay at home just to be awkward.
reader comment“That's Wee Beesom up in Scotland?” Slurp McGurp

reader comment“gary bloody lineker is not subject to BBC rules about publishing garbage and bias on AS meeja becoz he's a person of no consequence?” Thumper Bazzer

bulletQ: What can you do if Pres. Kashmachine tries to export you from White Russia to Ukraine by sending masked thugs to kidnap you?
bulletA: Tearing up your passport @ the border worked for opposition leader M. Kolesnikova.

writer comment“Is there supposed to be method in the apparent madness of shoving all sorts of abnormal characters into the latest incarnation of Star Trek? Starfleet being diabolical and seeking to confuse newly encountered aliens with a crew which is nothing like the population of Planet Earth? No, it's probably just the Fredonian TV industry wonks wrecking things a bit more.” H.T.S.

writer comment“Whilst re-reading A Clockwork Orange—the 1960s novel by composer Anthony Burgess—after a gap of several decades, I began to wonder how Ludoviko's Technique would work on wokes and BLAME Bunchers. Seems to be something that could well be worth trying.” L.G.R.
writer comment“Bright idea. Erasing infamy works both ways.” J.A.G.

reader comment“Desperate for lockdown variety, we tried apple piella as part of a Spanish lunch. I must say, the fishy bitz really didn't go with the custard.” Gorrie Zontal

What a wonderful world . . .
The police chief of Birmingham, scene of a wave of stabbings (one fatal) by a spree-attacker, thinks that the tensions of living with the Chinese plague make it inevitable that nutters will grab a knife and go out and stab people. The implication being that we should be surprised that it doesn't happen several times a day.
reader comment“No doubt the BLAME Bunchers will put on their flak jackets and stage a march through Brum at the weekend in protest against one of their own being busted for something as trivial as murder and 7 cases of wounding with intent.” Blown Gales

3,000 to 6,000 miles of separation
writer comment“Are we going to see gangs of white people storming through Birmingham, setting fire to the place and looting shops, because a non-white bloke went round trying to kill as many other people as possible? But maybe things don't work the same way here as they do in Fredonia.” R.H.

tick symbol Finally, President Trump has been given his due—a nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize. A Norwegian MP has made the gesture in recognition of Mr. Trump's facilitation of air travel between ancient enemies the UAE and Israel.

markerThe Π-rate for the Chinese plague is currently over 1.0 and the daily number of new cases is at its highest level since May. The Xperts, the government and Sir Kreepy's bunch are in an almighty arse-kicking contest. Young people, who are barely affected by the plague, are getting the blame for spreading it through their reckless contacts.

Kerching! Global carbon dioxide emissions will fall by 7% due to the Chinese plague, the UNO has concluded, but the not-so-great global warming fraud will continued unabated, even though its already flimsy justification has been severely dented.

bulletQ: What's the downside of asking a plumber in Kazakhstan for a discount?
bulletA: You could end up being stabbed to death. And if your mother lives next door, she is liable to be stabbed, too.

bullet In Switzerland, women are now allowed to show bare shoulders in the parliament building after a 2016 dress code was binned.

bulletQ: What's a severe hazard that prison screws in Italy face?
bulletA: Having a finger bitten off and eaten by a Mafia boss.

markerShake-up overdue
markerThe government is thinking of declaring the Xtinctionists an organized crime gang. Which will make their leaders and the stooges available for prison sentences of 5 years. The leaders of police forces which allow the criminal gang to create 12-hour disruptions, e.g. the Hertfordshire police response to the newspaper printing plant blockade, will also become open to charges of assisting an offender; especially if they let their officers stand and watch criminals glue themselves to large objects; and liable to join the Xtinctionist criminals in gaol if convicted.
reader comment“Looks like a few chief cons need to be sent on a responsibility course to help them to distinguish between the right of free speech and wanton vandalism. At their own expense, of course, and in their own time. Because someone in their position should have a firm grasp on this concept before being awarded the job.” Raison Deathtrap

Bad will rulz
Knee of Grace Pundits keep pointing out that existing laws are more than adequate to handle disruptors. But long and painful experience has shown us that the nation's police farces and the courts will ignore them shamelessly.
   Some refocussing of their attention—with penalties for wilful neglect of duty—is long overdue.

Far Queue symbolNote to the global warming fraudsters: Glaciers do not melt at an 'alarming' rate. They just melt, or grow, at a rate appropriate to their immediate environment.

tick symbol Technology now exists to replace electric fences at cattle farms with shock collars worn by the animals, which are activated by buried trigger devices. This idea could also be extended to criminals who are placed under house arrest and fitted with a GPS tag, which could be easily modified to become a zapper as well.

bullet 70% of UK Amazon's reviews from the most prolific reviewers are fraudulent.

Far Queue symbol Sending the appalling and unfragrant J. Assange to the US for trial will kill him, his GF reckons. Up with that is what?

Kerching!Some 2-4 BILLION quid of furlough cash has been lost to fraud and blunders by civil servants. Are we surprised? No, this is something which always happens and was figured in to the Treasury's sums on the subject.

Catering as normal
tick symbolThe Plague Year rules have been bent out of shape a bit to ensure that the directors of football clubs will be able to enjoy the usual nosh up and booze up on match days.

tick symbolStroking or rubbing an itch, the Xperts have determined, triggers the same amount of nerve activity as scratting and doesn't damage the surface of the skin.

markerbulletQ: What's the big disadvantage of leaving your contact details at a pub, restaurant, etc. in case a plague carrier also visits the place?
bulletA: Getting creepy messages from the staff if you are fanciable. Or not getting creepy messages if you're a bit of a disaster area.

Alarmism Rulz, Nokay
Remember, remember that the Xtinctionists are claiming that climate change will kill BILLIONs of 'umans over the next 10-20 years.
   No evidence exists that this benefit to The Planet could occur, but the Xtinctionists don't think that it matters if their panic is based on a delusion—just like every other bunch of religious fanatics.

tick symbolStaring at a scavenging seagull will make it scram, the Xperts reckon, as animals are programmed to think that a creature that's staring at them is making lunch plans.

bulletQ: What do you get as a bonus in Leominster, Herefordshire, whilst being treated for a suspected heart attack in an ambulance parked next to your car?
bulletA: A parking ticket.

bullet Putin watcher and abuse exposer A. Navalny got to sample Putin the Poisoner's latest product—a slow-acting form of the Novichok nerve agent, which is designed to give Putin's poisoners in the field plenty of time to make a getaway.

markerNo end to it
After they've defunded the police, what will the BLAME Bunchers want next? Defunding of fire brigades because they get in the way of BB arsonists? Cut bad guys a bit of slack and that just encourages them to become even more unreasonable.
reader comment“How quickly does Taking The Knee become Taking The Pee? Faster than human science can measure.” Urbane Legend

bulletQ: How many stooges go on a Million People BB march?
bulletA: 322, most of them white folks.

Kerching!The binned but still kicking Public Health England is telling fast food joints to cut portion sizes in the name of reducing o'besity. A proportionate decrease in prices? Joke! And not of the Bidet sort.
bullet The food narzis reckon that fines and the threat of gaol for the bosses are the only penalties that the fast food industry will take seriously.

No Stradamus? Wot, none at all?
reader comment“Nought Bama. That would be a great idea!” Hoijin Sharma

Clarification needed urgently
Is there any truth to the rumour that everyone who is a properly signed up and registered member of the Fredonian community will receive one of these in January 2021 if D. Trump is sworn in again as president? Because we want to be first in the queue @ the embassy.

D. Trump million dollar note
* Prosperity * Integrity * Security *

markerThe nits & grits of commentary
From next season, football commentaries will be run through a smart, live action computer system before going to the listening public. The system will remove and replace phrases banned by the rachel bias confectors and shove in Xtra praise for players with a darker skin tone. Which means that pale footballers will be in a rush to invest in a sun lamp.

Far Queue symbol The Shetland Islands have become so mightily fed up with Wee B.'s posturing that they are demanding that if any part of Scotland becomes independent, it has to be them from her.
updateIn some reports, the Hebrides were credited as the independence seekers. Which has given the inhabitants the impulse to give the matter serious consideration.

Far Queue symbol Oh, dear! President Boris has been sussed by the blesséd Little John of the Daily Mail. He's not another W. Churchill after all, he's just a reincarnation of Warden Hodges of Dad's Army.

Alien visitorGot At?
People who reek of cannabis and could be a public health hazard can no longer be stopped & copped on the nation's streets, the police complaints mob have decided.
   The persons in blue are outraged by this craven surrender, which is seen as a response to vigorous lobbying by the drug dealing community.

bullet Owning a stinky goat, even if you are a cheese maker, could be ruled a criminal offence worth gaol time in Bavaria.

bullet Surprise! The Last Night of the Proms went off—with singing—and the world didn't come to an end, as the BBC claimed it would.

reader comment“Why does Gordon F. Broon think anyone, let alone the PM, is going to take any notice of his rants? He's a busted flush and ever more will be so.” Bjor Fhield

markerThe only way to get Britain's yoof to abandon behaviour which spreads the Chinese plague wantonly is to order them to indulge in just that type of activity on pain of losing their pocket money for a month or two.

markerbulletQ: How do you annoy separatists to the max?
bulletA: Ban celebration of their national day using the Chinese plague as an excuse. Worked in Spain on the Catalans, could be something President Boris could use on Wee B. and the IRA.

bullet If you find that you are going in the wrong direction, or circumstances change, doing a U-turn is a sensible choice, even if it upsets newspaper editors and their minions.

markerSadgeek the Xtinctionist?
The waxworks in charge of the boroughs of London are turning the capital city back in to a set of disconnected villages by a clandestine campaign of letting the bridges across the Thames fall into dangerous disrepair and blocking the roads to prevent motor vehicles of all descriptions from using them; especially those belonging to the emergency services.
updateThe local council for Wandsworth, where the sad geek lives, has scrapped a £33 MILLION TfL plan from the geek, which was causing chaos by blocking traffic and raising pollution levels dramatically.


markerDosh Rulz, UK & everywhere
Xpect fewer silly stunts from the Xtinction loonies in future. The people who pay for their antics are getting distressed by the grossness of their endemic boneheadedness.
reader comment“The confectors seem to have gone out of their way to get themselves worked into a lather about nothing much. Grounds for sacking them and getting some better ones?” Joan Esbo
reader comment“If they really expect the rest of us to believe that 6 BILLION people will die in the next couple of decades as a result of a bit of gorbal warming, they need to be sectioned en masse under the Mental Health Act to protect that rest.” Orange Cussedly

bullet Fings criminals should kno No. 973: SODDI—Some Other Dude Did It—might just work as an Xcuse.

marker There's going to be an arse-kicking contest to declare the first casualty of the Chinese plague in the UK. The current leader died at the end of January this year.

bullet The Xpected second wave of the plague is currently being positioned as a paper tiger.

Far Queue symbol Wee B. is not urging Scots workers back to their offices whilst there are subsidies to be had from English taxpayers. It's something which drives a coach and horses through her independence readiness claims, but hey, ho fazaftrical.

markerViolence as a first resort
Surprise! Birmingham doesn't seem to have gone up in flames following the murder of a white bloke, stabbed by a non-white nutter. A lesson which is bound NOT to be learned as the message is inconvenient? Or maybe white lives just don't matter.

markerSame old, same ancient
Surprise! The Xperts are putting their money on Pres. Boris's ambition to do 10 million daily plague tests falling short of the mark, knowing that if they're wrong, they can just do what they usually do when they get things wrong—waffle, shuffle their feet and deny everything.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

 WEEK 3      Happy Sombrero Week!

Sombrero Factz
1. The Sombrero Galaxy is the most unusual barred spiral galaxy visible from Earth.

bulletQ: What's a good way to blow £100 BILLION that we don't have?
bulletA: President Boris' Moonshot plan to test everyone for the Chinese plague every day.
reader comment“What we really need is Kim Jong-whoever and his army in charge rather than President Boris, who has become very wishy-washy since surviving his encounter with death. Pres. Kim would soon make that pesky plague go away.” Aldo Pangrami

markermarkerAn antidote to BS
Concerned British citizens are thwarting the efforts of the Border Service to import migrants by heading out in to the Channel to turn back boatloads of illegals before they reach British waters and the remit of the BS taxi service.

bulletQ: What do you get if you try to swindle 5 insurance companies out of 700 grand by letting your BF saw your left hand off?
bulletA: 2 years in gaol if you make a bog of it.

Out of ServiceRetaliation equivalence
Knee of Grace Dreadful news for the confecters. The Home Sec. and the Police Federation are going to release body camera footage of customers behaving badly to shame the ones who go on AS meeja to claim police brutality and get the confecters cancelled.
   Trial by AS meeja can work both ways if those who are got at by confecters are prepared to stand up to cyber-bullying.

bullet The Raiders in Las Vegas? Just as well their loyal Nation can't get in to the stadium to boo them. And the Redskins now nameless? [gutless Ed.] Welcome to the 2020 NFL.
reader comment“When I see LV in the summary box with the score, etc., it comes across as Luncheon Vouchers. Have the Silver & Black sold out?” Ho Ligost

bullet If the sky is looking a bit orange, don't panic. It's only the crap hurled in to the atmosphere by wildfires in California, Oregon & Washington State reaching our shores and polluting our mint.
markerbullet Religious fanatics are interpreting the fires as a judgement from the Almighty for the ready endorsement of the BLAME bunch culture in America's west. Joke Bidet is claiming that it's all down to gorbal warming, for which the Republicans are to blame. President Trump reckons the fires are a product of poor forest management—something which should have been given even higher priority in a hotter and drier climate.

reader comment“If the Xtinctionists are right about 6 billion people croaking this century due to gorbal warming, that's something calculated to bring much rejoicing to the funeral industry.” Guy Drologist
reader comment“Until they realize there's no way they can be paid enough to bury all those bodies, assuming they can find enough territory for the job, and cremation is out of the question on emissions grounds” Ludicro Inaudibile

Far Queue symbol The local prosecutors have been dismissed from the case of the cops who were present when G. Floyd died whilst resisting arrest. The reason remains unclear, but it could be that the trial judge decided that the prosecution quartet wasn't trying hard enough to prejudice the case against the accused with leaks & squeaks.

Woke is no Jokereader comment“Just a thought, but throwing a major gender reveal party to tell everyone the sex of a newborn child, and setting fire to everything for miles around with the fireworks display, might not be such a good idea. The wheels will come off big time if the kid decides that he/she/it is actually some other sex later on in life and sues the unfortunate parents for everything not extracted from them already.” Duncan Disorderly

marker The plague has cost local councils 40 zillion quid in lost parking fines. Motorists everywhere are laughing their heads off in sympathy.

Get out of that! or Gunboats on the alert
writer comment“That was an interesting point someone made—even if the EbloodyU claims all the fish in British waters, if those waters are ours, the EbloodyU can't send its trawlers there to hoover up the fish.” M.K.

markerOut of the way—move, move, move
Major Wednesday crime wave near Romiley? TWO police vans spotted hurtling through the village with lights flashing and sirens blaring toward the end of the morning.
   More sirens heard half an hour later.
   Then it all went suspiciously quiet.

Covids Colas

Sombrero Factz
2. In the United States, the sombrero was improved/modified into the cowboy hat.

reader comment“President Boris is being chivvied for talking about rewriting our terms of withdrawal from the EU to prevent inconvenience to us on the grounds that it interferes with our status as an international role model. But what is the point of pretending that we are one of those when no bugger else takes a scrap of notice of our virtue-flagging?” Orange Bouncy
reader comment“The likes of Tony B. Liar, J. Major and Sir Kreepy the Steamer doing the Moaning Minnie act ain't going to impress anyone.” Tarzan O'Dear

markerInstant damage repair
Unemployment caused by fallout from the Chinese plague will be assaulted by recruiting a vast army of millions of plague marshals, who will roam streets, supermarkets and big stores, outdoor spaces and residential areas, hoping to earn a bonus by shopping to the police, anyone who looks like they might be violating the Virus Code & the Rule of 6 and liable to be fined a hundred quid. Or even more.
reader comment“Which 2 of MP J. Rees-Mogg's tribe will be assigned to another tribe to comply with the Rule of 6?” Bigard Lasfeme

bullet Today's Grand Advice:
Want to lighten the mood of sombre? Go that little way Xtra to sombrero!

markerDefinitions 4 Today : following the science
Going in 6 directions at once, some of them completely contradictory.
a.k.a. the Rule of 6.

bulletQ: Spending £500 MILLION over 10 years to investigate 1,700 deaths caused by Irish terrorists—what will this achieve?
bulletA: Shoving half a billion quid of taxpayers' cash into the pockets of the legal trade.

reader comment“If the Oscars are rendered worthless by demanding diversity takes precedence over talent, a good way to embarrass a mouthy luvvie will be to nominate him/her/x for one!” Howe Itzer

Out of Servicebullet Thanks to the Chinese plague, Xmas celebrations and Hogmanizing will be cut to the bone this year. 52% of the population is delighted, 52% ain't and 52% don't kno.
bullet The Woodland Trust in Scotland is collecting votes for its Tree of the Year 2020 competition.
bullet A prosecutor investigating the shadowy figures behind the FBI's attempt to confect collusion between President Trump and the Russians during the 2016 presidential election campaign has quit in mysterious circumstances.

bulletQ: What's a good way to Xtract cash from persons of Scottish heritage?
bulletA: Claim William Wallace might once have been chained to a fallen ancient tree and offer bitz of it for sale.

markerIt’s everywhere
It's not just in Sadgeek's London where allowing the infrastructure to decay and preventing the movement of motor vehicles are rampant. 15-Minute Villages—where most things are available within a walk or bike ride of 15-20 minutes—are seen as the way ahead by some city & town planners.
   So much for the sky-scraping City of the Future with flying cars, which was much lauded by science fiction writers of the 1930s, if the shrinkists get their way.

reader comment“If the BBC zombies are unusually quiet, it's because their attempt to portray the Henry Wood Promenade Concerts as a celebration of slavery came to nothing in the end.” Purty Peeved

reader comment“Alexei Navalny might be looking quite cheerful, sitting up in his Berlin hospital bed surrounded by his family, but the message from Putin the Poisoner remains 'you might not survive next time'.” Cergei Putinovsk

Sombrero Factz
3. If you're wearing a straw sombrero, you're a peasant.

markerQuestion of the Day: Who is going to be the first heroic citizen to shoot a Plague Warden for endangering the hero's life & limb by getting too close when fulminating?

marker Midges like things warm & wet, the Xperts claim. But gorbal warming will making things hot & dry. So Xpect more midges, the Xperts are telling us. Why? Because the little bastards are masochists?

reader comment“For how much longer is the White City dog track going to be allowed to affront the rachel confecters?” Mridian Canape
reader comment“Affront—is that the opposite of take aback?” Dai Lupp

For your benefit or Lose All Hope Ye Who Enter Here
Imprisoned socialite G. Maxwell has been notified that she is being positioned as the equivalent of the murderous Al Capone, Charles Manson and Alky Ida terrorists so that she can receive a fair show trial from the court of public opinion in America.
   No doubt she was relieved to get that reassurance.

bullet Boy Scouts are being offered the chance to qualify for a badge awarded for being able to spot Fake News on the interweb. No doubt they will soon be able to get another for creating it convincingly.

Far Queue symbol The Russian hackers who tried to inflict Hillarious Clinton on the US in 2016 are back doing the same job with Joke Bidet. China & Iran are giving them a hand.
The FBI is thought to be up to its old confecting tricks again . . .

bulletQ: Why do some wimmin want to join the all-male Garrick Club?
bulletA: Just to be bluddy awkward and a bluddy nuisance.

bulletQ: Why is it okay to have all-wimmin clubz?
bulletA: Because.

reader comment“No surprise that Plague Wardens are expected to have the same mentality as the Musee d'Orsay guards who wouldn't let a woman in to an exhibition of naked art coz she was showing as much cleavage as the Grand Canyon.” Chelsee Glue

markermarker People who don't like to make an effort @ Xmas/New Year are cheering the Rule of Six. Except in Scotland, where they are raging at Wee Beesom's awkwardness after she declared under 12s Xempt. No doubt the rage will become universal after President Boris changes his mind and follows the Beesom Trail again.

bulletQ: What do you do when you become disconnected from The Establishment and flounce out of your job?
bulletA: Write a volume of fan fiction featuring your former colleagues and call it a memoir.

bullet Sir Kreepy Steamer is self-isolating because no one will talk to him?

tick symbolDefinitions for Today:
Other people do things which are repellent & disgusting. You do things which open up important topics of conversation.

No invasion expected anytime soon
Detecting phosphine (think ammonia but with phosphorus instead of nitrogen) in the atmosphere of Venus means it has to have been Xcreted by bugs in the clouds—where the heat & the sulphuric acid can't get them? Maybe, maybe not. If there is alien life there, we certainly wouldn't want to know it. Phosphine is smelly and lethal to terrestrial life forms.

Sombrero Factz
4. No one knows for sure the origin of the sombrero, so feel free to make up your own story.

markerResource mismanagement
The real reason why no one can get a booking for a plague test is that journalists keep on making fake bookings @ test centres to try to set a record for the most distant test on offer.

bulletQ: What's a good way to wind up the Twatterati?
bulletA: Make the serial killer in your new book a bloke who drags up in women's clothing to sneak up on victims.

reader comment“If the EbloodyU blocks £5 BILLION of food exports from the UK then it will be our patriotic duty to consume the food here and cut our imports from the EbloodyU correspondingly.
   “Even better, we will be able to wave a HUGE virtue flag over the reduced amount of transport/emissions going on and claim that we have saved The Planet single-handedly!” Raison Deathtrap

bulletQ: How has Spitting Image created a Semmitism Storm?
bulletA: By making the bloke who created FakeBuk look like Nosferatu.

reader comment“Say what you like about the Rule of Six; at least it's two better than China's Gang of Four.” Bury Inter
reader comment“Try telling that to the cast of Snow White and the 5 Dwarfs or Ali Baba & the 5 Thieves.” Bodger Grut
writer comment“The Four Just Men will be okay. But the Dirty Dozen will have to bisect and perform on alternate nights. Same with The Twelve Angry Men and The 10 Little Niggles.” H.T.S.

markerThe ultimate Irish joke
The entire Cabinet of the government of the Irish Republic in quarantine becoz the Health Sec. became a suspected plague case. Some things you just can't make up.

Local councils are in deep mourning. Their psychopaths for bikers are costing them zillions in lost revenue from motorists by reducing vehicle numbers. And now, a first offence of straying into an ill-advertised bus lane will be free. Even more unkerching.

Far Queue symbol The comedians who staged their version of the demise of G. Floyd on TV seem to be well on course to set a new world record for complaints about bad taste. We can't wait to see their version of the Birmingham stabbings.

The carbon dioxide emissions figures quoted by the manufacturers of plug-in hybrid vehicles are only about one-third of real world values.
   How was this achieved? By creating a testing regime which the regulators consider to be 'normal' even though it bears no relation to real world conditions. No wonder it's called the not-so-great gorbal warming FRAUD.

markerBullshit always baffles brains
In the good old daze, Great Western Trains banned surfers from taking their board with them because they didn't have a dedicated space for them on new trains, which were full. Now, even though most of their trains are running empty, GWT is refusing to do the surfers, and their shareholders, a favour and rescind the ban.

Sombrero Factz
5. The world's most famous sombrero wearer is the cartoon character Speedy Gonzales.

markerTrust in v. short supply
The Notional Truss is digging itself deep into doo-doo with its campaign to portray every building bequeathed to it by a generous British citizen as somewhere to be shunned as it was bought and paid for with the proceeds of slavery.
   Guilt by v. tenuous association and sheer invention seem to be the currency of the NT's "researchers". As a result, the NT's fiction factory of a website is having to be torn down and rebuilt on a daily basis.
reader comment“Scholarship replaced by virtue slagging?” Polla Minto

marker [Sounds like the Notional Truss needs a website disclaimer—see the bottom of the page for ours. I'd suggest something along the lines of: "Some of the above might be true but the likelihood is v. small". Ed.]

Far Queue symbol The practice of making adverts for the Chinese market more relevant by redoing them with Chinese faces in prominence has upset the rachel confecters big time. They just don't get that people are naturally tribal, and they don't identify with some unknown character from another tribe.

Had their day
The RSC is being obliged to disband because its output is insufficiently diverse and makes BLAME Bunchers feel Xcluded.
   This cancellation was seen as inevitable following the decision by RADA to cancel all plays written before 2019 and perform only works featuring representatives from at least five obscure minorities.
reader comment“That's the Really Steamy Creeps & the Really Awful Dodgy Actors?” Ziony Zing (part-time libel lawyer, open for business)

bulletQ: Why are the new year celebrations north of the border called Hogmanay?
bulletA: Because of the custom of the male chief celebrant—the Head Hog Man—going round wearing a pig's head mask with gigantic tusks to frighten away evil spirits.

bullet More people are dying by suicide than of the Chinese plague.

markerFingers pointed in the right direction
Introducing the Rule of Six now is quite a cunning move on the part of the government. If Boris & Co. bow to public pressure from the gang of outraged journos & opposition knee-jerkers and relax it for kids, and a lot of grannies and grandpas die in January, it will have been The People's Choice.

bulletQ: How much should the FIA fine a Formula One driver for bringing motor sport into disrepute with a political whinge?
bulletA: The bidding should start at around $25 million if it is to have a worthwhile impact.

tick symbol Should we really cancel Xmas to stop the Chinese plague? Nah, let's all get too zonked to bother and kill everyone in sight with a Π-rate of 10.

marker The Xmas rip-offs have started. Pay ten quid for a big box of chocolates and that's what you get—a big box. Containing not much chock; less than 1 lb, in fact.

bulletQ: What do you get if you field only 7 players because you think one of the opposing football team might possibly maybe have the plague?
bulletA: Hammered 37-nil.
reader comment“The other lot must have been going very easy on them if they could only put 37 goals past half a team.” Orange Cussedly

markerJust so you kno
A group of 22 people playing football, with officials, is not permitted under the Rule of Six. A group of the same size staging a political protest by playing a football match is okay.

Sombrero Factz
6. Most sombreros are worn by people in fancy dress, imitating Pearly Kings & Queens, and do not reflect the practicality of the original design.

markerThe world’s stoopidest political gesture . . .
. . . has to be the President of France, sitting in a car in the Autour de France procession and putting sanitizer on his hands when a motorbike cameraman pointed his instrument at the pointless gesture.

markerBoozing for Britain
That's what the middle classes are doing. The trade in wine & spirits is enjoying a summer of content as the middle classes are guzzling alcohol. by the barrelload to relieve the stress of locko. Makes you proud to be Britisch!
bullet They are also ensuring that the NHS won't run out of customers for the staff who have specialized in treating liver disease, stomach ulcers, pancreatitis and depression.

Far Queue symbol Non-white alleged comedians are in serious competition to gain the most complaints for the most tasteless rachel abuse aimed at white folks on the British broadcast meeja.
Far Queue symbol Their efforts are assisted by Ofcom's refusal to get involved because it believes that the diversity card trumps absolutely everything else and Ofcom is now programmed automatically to assume that any minority can get away with absolutely anything as of right.

markerYou can’t say blackout any more
The reason why the government is so keen on making people get a self-reporting meter has become clear. If the supply of energy from occasionals like wind and solar power becomes insufficient to keep the lights on everywhere, the government will be able to use emergency measures, which are currently at the preparation stage, to command their army of 'smart' robots to switch off domestic supplies in unimportant areas.

bulletQ: WTF is WFH?
bulletA: Shirk At Home.

markerGet a Grip
President Boris would like Britisch citizens to follow the advice of professional Northerner character Judge Bullingham in Crumpled of the Bailey and "use their common sense" when reporting neighbours for breaking the Rule of Six.
   Only something major and noisy needs be reported to the fuzz.
   Think 'Animal House party with hot tubs'.

markerOfficial: Having a runny nose is no excuse for pretending to have the Chinese plague and skiving off. Feeling totally shagged out could be, though.

Not that it matters particularly to the victim, but Putin the Poisoner's agents put the novichok in a bottle of water in the Kreml watcher A. Navalny's hotel room, not in his tea at the airport at Tomsk.

cross symbol An Indian politician who claimed that blowing into a conch shell whilst having a mud bath would give him immunity from the Chinese plague . . . has got the Chinese plague.

markerAussielateral Thinking
Quantas, the Australian airline, has come up with an ingenious money raiser which side-steps all plague problems. Their plane will take off from Sydney airport, do a 7-hour tour at low level of tourist attractions such as the Great Barrier Reef, and land back at Sydney again. No quarantine needed as the plane hasn't been anywhere else.
   Tickets for the first flight next month sold out in 10 minutes.

Loss of revenue from parking fines thanks to his efforts to Xclude motorists from London has meant that the cosmetic mayor, Sadgeek K'h'an't, has had to cancel all celebrations in the nation's capital. There is no cash and there will be no fireworks and nuffink at all happening on special occasions until further notice. Especially not @ Xmas & New Year.

reader comment“There's no need for President Boris to accuse the EbloodyU of bad faith. They don't know any other sort.” Howe Itzer

markerSombrero Factz
7. Individual sombreros, depending on the degree of fanciness and whether or not the brim has dangly bitz, can be bought for £3-30. There are even mini sombreros available for parking on unfortunate animals. Or addicts can buy in bulk @ £130 for 50 with free delivery if they know where to look. It's a variable feast—a bit like deals for face masks of dubious value.

mad hattermarkerOne way to do it
The Royal Navy now has more diversity wonks than warships. The strategy for the future appears to be to teach all of them Chinese and in time of trouble, parachute them on to Chinese warships to complain about the lack of diversity and the unhelpful predominance of slitty eyes.

Far Queue symbol The BBC is about to lose British from its name as it has degenerated into Blatant Bollux Confecters to the extent that people living in the Midlands & Up North no longer feel that it speaks for them. Stand by for a major rebranding by the SBC—the Southern Bollux Confecters.

Dave the ex-Leader is still trying to work out whether being portrayed as a dirty old man in the latest episode of political fan fiction is embarrassing or flattering. Embarrassed by being Xposed as a DoM or delightfully flattered by being made look moderately interesting.

Knee of GraceDo it again & do it better?
Confrontations between heavily armed white and non-white militia groups in the United States are being ramped up in the direction of a THIRD civil war. Retailers of face masks with an evil design, pump-action shotguns and assault rifles are reporting that they are struggling to keep up with demand as EVERYONE wants to get in on the posturing.

markerThe Iranian regime is plotting to kill the US ambassador to Sarf Efrica because her company charges 32 grand for a handbag.

markerNot even bothering to go through the motions of bothering
Making banks give their customers 3 months' notice of closing their local branch is an empty gesture. It's not as if the customers can move their account to somewhere more convenient these days.
[That comes from a resident of Romiley, a bank-free zone since March 2019. Ed.]

markerThe Stakeholder Report
bulletThe latest bit of fan fiction about President Trump is that he is all in favour of the Chinese plague if it means that he doesn't have to shake hands with disgusting people.
bulletThe latest bit of fan fiction about President Kim is that he is about to hold the biggest military parade that North Korea has ever seen and show off a set of mysterious black containers, which will be announced as holding the most devastating new weapon ever devised.

markerIf'n it's going to cost £215 BILLION to compensate all the women who had their pension age put back from 60 to 66, is there enuff money in the universe to compensate all the men who weren't allowed to retire at 60?

bullet Mining in Cornwall could go into resurgence with the discovery of significant quantities of lithium, which is needed by the electricity storage industry.

markerThe Hubble space telescope has identified an area of Jupiter's turbulent and colourful atmosphere which could develop into a storm to rival the Great Red Spot. All we have to do now is hang around for 300 years to find out if it lives up to Xpectations.

bullet 87 is much too old to be a Supreme Court Judge. Xcept in Putinstan, of course, where jobs are for life or else for the right people.

Fist Force News
markerbulletQ: What do you get if you vandalize a statue in Bristol and chuck it in to the harbour?
bulletA: Away with it, if you're a BLAME Buncher.

bulletQ: What do the Iranians do to make life tough for thieves?
bulletA: Chop all four fingers off the criminal's right hand. The jury is out on whether this is more merciful than lopping the whole hand off.

 WEEK 4      Being Gritty but not Nitty

markerNot Xactly getting a grip
Putting 400 unwanted migrants in an old army camp somewhere in Kent instead of hotels around the country is all very well. But are there enuff disused army camps for the other 60-70,000 boat migrants Xpected this year?
   Maybe we're just going to have to bite the bullet and put barbed wire round a disused tank exercise zone on Dartmoor (if the British Army isn't allowed to have tanks any more) and issue the intruders with tents. Or tell the buggers to buy their own.

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BBC Logic
bulletQ: What do you do if a shouty radio presenter loses 1 million listeners?
bulletA: Give her 1 million more quid per year.

bulletQ: Is it desperately more urgent than the nation's other current major problems that 300 buildings still have a flammable global warming fraud cladding?
bulletA: Not if the inmates refrain from setting fire to them.

markerFraud is just that
Pretending to be making demands in the interests of saving The Planet is to be made a criminal offence punishable by a fine of £25,000 and/or 4 years in prison. Why? Because The Planet is not a conscious entity which gives a flying crap about what happens on its surface.
reader comment“And if it were conscious, it would be too busy moaning about the unfairness of being swallowed up by the Sun when it goes nova 5 billion years from now to care about the temporary inconveniences of the 'umans rampant on its surface.” Kwik Schnell

markerNo Go
7 people spotted together in the street, 2 adults chatting with 5 kids milling about. Who gets the £100 fine? Or are the adults Xpected to pony up 50 quid apiece? One challenge in the 'uman bluddy rights court will tie that bit of nonsense up for bluddy ages!

markerPiss off, Pelosi
bulletQ: Do we need IRA groupies in the US Democrapic party like Rancid Pelosi and Joke Bidet telling us what we can and can't do here in the UK?
bulletA: Nope.

Fist Force News
markerOh, dear! Being white & female doesn't get you on the short list for literary prizes as of right any more. You have to be a lot more diverse than that now.
reader comment“Would having a leg chopped off help?” R.W.

markerJust being bloody silly
The nation's police forces are upset by public nuisances going all floppy when arrested and needing 4 officers to carry then to a police van. How about an extra charge of wasting police time to be strapped on to vandalism, obstructing the highway, or whatever? With an automatic £500 fine for the first offence and double for the next?
reader comment“Don't you just wish some concerned citizen would go up to a superglued Xtinctionist and blast the yob with an ear-drum shattering air-horn a couple of thousand times?” Mridian Canape

bulletQ: Can the BBC tell the difference between a comedian and an attention-seeking twat?
bulletA: The evidence says not.

Heading for Locko Mk. II
Britain braces itself—there will be hundreds of daily plague deaths before you kno it, warn scientists.
   Nation told to stay @ home and stop larking about.
   Or else.
markerXpert Opinions
In public—we're all gonna die horribly. In private—Nah.

markerSkiving @ home is actually a bad idea, Britain's bosses have realized. Not getting work done; on time or even at all; is up, productivity is down, and the natural creative combustion of being able to bounce ideas off other people is history.

markerPolitics is impoverishing President Boris. He can't survive on the pittance that the nation pays him for running an entire country. Not when the bill for nannies for his brood Xceeds his Commons Xpenses. Thus he is rumoured to be looking for a suitable opportunity to go back to his day job of earning zillions for writing for newspapers & magazines, and escape the poisonous aggro of politics in the front line.

markerIf blokes can claim they're women, what is wrong with white women claiming they're black? Fair's fair.

footshotmarkerDecline of the times
What sort of wonks are getting official guns these days? It must take real talent for a police 'protection' officer to leave a hand gun on a plane and not notice he's walking around without it.

bullet Most deaths from the Chinese plague are nothing to do with the government, an Xpert reckons. They're the fault of the customer for being too fat. And it's probably true that most death now attributed to the Chinese plague were due to other causes.

markerWe could do with another—for some of our alleged Xperts
A new mass Xtinction episode has been identified as occurring 220 million years ago, taking the known total of these events to 6. This volcanic adjustment of the climate helped the dinosaurs to flourish, in the opinion of Xperts in Wuhan, now infamous as the source of the Chinese plague.
   That latter fact should not deflect us from realizing that change is the natural order of things and all the self-appointed planetary wardens, who are trying to stop all change on The Planet, are doomed to dismal failure. But with well-filled pockets

markerbulletQ: A Royal Navy frigate missing a fishing boat by 600 metres—is that a near miss?
bulletA: It's the distance between Romiley station and Carlton Avenue—a 5-6 minute walk at a brisk pace—so nope, not even close to near.

Far Queue symbol Tony B. Liar is being awarded the credit for starting a new arms race in the Middle East and leaving the Palestinians out in the cold.

Far Queue symbol In the latest work of fan fiction, Bollocks to Berko is recalled by the author as a creepy little smug little revolting little.

bulletQ: How do you know whether your broadband speed ain't as advertised?
bulletA: When your own zippy website crawls on to the screen and you can't even load the WHICH? broadband speed checker. Thanks for that, V.M.

bulletQ: What does Fast 800 Books convey to the uninitiated?
bulletA: A 400-page book containing 800 must-read novels condensed to half a page each.
bulletQ: Not something to do with slimming and not getting cancer and living forever, then?
bulletA: Nope.

markerTrade unions are prolonging the not-so-great home skive by encouraging their subscribers to demand plague tests; knowing they are unobtainable; even if there is nothing wrong with them.

bulletQ: What does a 24 hour boycott by 'celebs' of an AS meeja site which pays big bucks to 'celebs' amount to?
bulletA: Contemptible virtue flagging by luvvies.

Far Queue symbol Talking about contemptible, a Labour deputy telling us things could have been done better, knowing they would have been much worse if O.J. had won the last election, is right in there.

No pleasing everyone
markermarker The Xperts want people to shed plague stress by taking a stroll in the countryside to become in awe of the wonders of Nature. The people who have to clear up the litter strewn by the awe bunch want to throttle the Xperts.

markerAutomatic comes around
An inevitable consequence of writing a volume of fan fiction is that the author & family become fair game, if they're not that already, for revenge fan fiction. But if the money's good, no doubt the fiction confecters can live with it.
reader comment“Top rates for revenge porn fan fiction?” Kleo Kill

bullet Politics: the art of lying your head off shamelessly coz U kno the punters are a buncha mugs with more money than sense.

Politicians united in purpose—hands on wallets

reader comment“What we really want to know is the identity of the comedian who came up with the totally daft notion that global warming will kill 6,000,000,000 people over the next 80 years.” Mal Comex
reader comment“Do we know for sure it was just one unaided moron? Coz it sounds like the work of a whole committee of them.” Vladek Kedlav
reader comment“What's all the panic about anyway? At the rate they're breeding, there will still be around 3,000 MILLION 'umans left to continue with the good work of wrecking The Planet.” Quinola Djeep

bullet One way of looking at it is that the bloke who presided over creating those lethal 'smart' motorways got a bonus last year of 2 grand per dead customer.

markerDemic info
"Concorde made its first non-stop Atlantic crossing on 1973/09/26" we are told. Which means what? It had several trial run in stages before doing the trip non-stop? If so, where can a superdupersonic passenger airliner stop for a tea break half-way between England and the US?

Important Plague Update
Anyone who can hold their breath for more than an hour will not get the plague, the Xperts have concluded. Being able to count backwards from 1,000 in units of 7 might also help.

bullet Supermarkets are reporting that the boggo rollo bandits are back in action as the rumour mills continue to insist that there will be a 2-week national lockdown quite soon and supermarket shelves everywhere will become empty.

bullet Snide translation: She's a looker = she's dead nosy.

bullet Today's advice: If you ain't been shopping in the Perv Parlour, don't turn up.

bullet The name of everyone who ever met the late financier J. Epstein is to be revealed with a flourish of moralizing for no apparent reason.

markerNo way to win
Oncologists are warning that saving people from the second wave of the Chinese plague is letting others die of cancer, and more than likely causing more deaths than ignoring the plague and carrying on with cancer treatments.

bulletQ: What's a good way to put Greater Manchester Police officers out of action?
bulletA: Send them on a golf day out in Oldham and give them a dose of the Chinese plague.

Shedding dead wood
A former SNP deputy thinks killing off oldies with the Chinese plague will give a boost to Wee B.'s hopes of becoming president of an independent Scotland as younger people, who favour breaking up the UK, will form a larger part of the electorate.
bullet Further south, the equalities campaigner T. Phillips is warning Wee B. that if she doesn't let all Scots in the UK, not just the ones living in Scotland, have a vote on the major issue of independence, that will make it even less likely that the EbloodyU will consider a membership appeal from her or a successor.
  Any excuse will be welcomed by the EbloodyU if it Xcludes a country which will not be a net contributor to its fraud-stricken budget—as the UK remains (if reluctantly).

bullet The Knee of Shame is being abandoned as it is now recognized as little more than a PR exercise of dubious value.

bulletQ: Are we surprised that the world's biggest banks let criminals move cash around the world with ease?
bulletA: Nope. That's what they do—move money and take a cut for their services.

markerThe pursuit of futility
Does it matter if the Home Office stopped trying to guess how many illegal and unwanted immigrants are in the country back in 2005? Not if cash-gobbling lawyers and dotty old judges won't let the Home Office send them back where they came from.
reader comment“Typical of Kreepy Labour to be doing the whinge when it was Tony B. Liar who was president and a Labour government was in charge back in 2005.” Bigard Lasfeme
reader comment“If there were no socialists whingers, we would have to provide our own scum of the Earth.” Tased Ernin

markerATTENTION! There is no such thing as a perfect recipe for fish finger sandwiches as fish fungus are not a valid sandwich ingredient.

markerHistorical tripe
The apologists for Vikings are trying to tell us that they might have had the odd redeeming quality after all. It's just propaganda. Don't believe a word of it. They were no more welcome anywhere than the Chinese plague. And more deadly and destructive.

markerbulletQ: How do you tell the difference between homage and culture appropriation?
bulletA: You can't. It's all in the eye of the beholder. But do Xpect some twat to troll you whatever you do.

tick symbol The government hasn't managed to suppress the Chinese plague or to save lives and/or the economy, but it has managed to spread irrational fear, sez an Xpert.

bullet The best advice for all of us remains don't get old and don't get sick.

reader comment“How much are we going to charge the EbloodyU for letting their fish enjoy the hospitality of our coastal waters?” Noah Deal

Book of the Month

Icons to Patheticons
by Prem Valerian

A biting but credible & true account of how the Pursuit of Excellence in Britain and its former colonies was degraded to Mewling Victimhood

“A major new assessment of the ‘progress’ which society has made over the last 3 centuries”
Literature Today

In stock now @ Romiley Historical Centre,
109 Riverside Drive

bullet Sir Kreepy Steamer has admitted that the Labour party is crap in government and totally unelectable most of the time. But with him in charge, all that will change. And you can take that assurance as credible & true.

reader comment“Has anyone asked gary bloody lineker how he feels about having been overtaken by a shouty female as the BBC's top paymate for bogus diversity reasons? On the other hand, maybe no one cares.” Howe Itzer
reader comment“Isn't it time the Beeb did some diversifying and replaced the crumbling relic that is gary bloody lineker with an inarticulate teenager? Preferably, the offspring of an illegal immigrant.” Cashier Nadal

bulletQ: What does the National Crime Agency do with credible & true evidence of criminal activity by major banks in the UK?
bulletA: Sit on it.

markermarkerOne law for them
The Manchester Arena bomber was known to the security services, we are told. "Why was nothing done about him?" is being asked. Because of all the bogus 'uman bluddy rights awarded to terrorists by the people making money out of them to make them untouchable, is the short answer.

reader comment“Do we really need democracy if it lets nutters like the anti-vaccine mob & Xtinctionists spread daft ideas and diseases, and get in everyone's way? How much better it would be if they could be consigned to a Chinese-style re-education camp to rot in the wilderness. Along with most lawyers and all political Xtremists.” Nightsly Alien

markerFourth Down Rulz
No blactor, no O'scar.

bullet The Washington NFL team might have gone wonk & nameless—the Kansas City Chiefs next?—so how about the Edmonton Eskimos north of the border?
   Surprise! They're safe. The artists formerly known as Esquimaux now insist on being called Inuits and, therefore, the name is nothing to do with them any more.

markerBeing logical
If everyone has rights, as the cosmetic end of the legal trade insists, then the British people have the collective right not to have to put up with gangs of uninvited foreigners and also the right to insist that our rights take priority in our country. And the right to claim massive financial compensation from anyone who seeks to deprive us of those rights.

reader comment“Did Animal the Envoy actually do anything as a special envoy on meeja freedom before she flounced off-stage in a Brexit huff?” Erm Humm
update No danger of the once o'bligatory gong/damehood for someone who didn't do anything to impress the Whitehall waxworks.

markerCute but cosmetic
Research in Japan has found that those cute clear-plastic face visors don't stop virus-laded spit particles from flying into the environment around the wearer. In fact, their only useful use is as something to wear if it's raining and you're going from one shop to another and you want to keep your functional fabric face mask dry when a small gale is blowing rain into your face.

"How WAS the weapon missed?" is being asked following the murder of the sergeant for a police custody suite in Croydon.
   At the risk of repeating ourselves, the answer to the question is glaringly obvious. Because potentially dangerous known terrorist suspects have acquired the 'uman bluddy right not to be searched thoroughly, especially if they are non-white, by the 'uman bluddy rights lawyers who are making money out of them.

markerThe prediction of 50,000 cases of the Chinese plague per day in October has been revealed as a piss-take based on an outlandishly implausible guess cobbled together by President Boris's chief scientific advisor and the chief medical officer.

Far Queue symbol Prince Hairy is really throwing every toy available out of the pram and busting a gut to get himself noticed. Ain't working tho'.
updateHe is now Backing Bidet for the job of president of the Untied States 'coz The Boss told him to.

markerWhat do they kno anyway?
The Office for National Sadistics is claiming that 50% of their customers were predicting that the Chinese plague would be over and done with in 6 months when it arrived here in February, Those customers are now reacting badly to making a wrong guess.

Far Queue symbol + + + BBC presenter E. Maitlis lands in deep hole + + + Found self unable to distinguish between Hell, Hull & Halifax on live flagpole programme + + +


markerThey do things differently on other planets
Rebranding Uncle Ben's rice, which is manufactured on the planet Mars, by removing the portrait of a gentleman of colour from the packets is Xpected to put an end to rachel injustices on this planet. Good luck with that.

tick symbolGood news! Humans will no longer have to take the Knee of Shame. The Japanese have built a 60-foot robot to do it for us.

Far Queue symbolFakeBuk has shut down 150 Chinese robot accounts, which were posting fake news about the US presidential election.
reader comment“Maybe they can be redeployed to Knee of Shame duties.” Grail Mothra

cross symbol + + + Japanese space weapon fails to damage International Space station + + + ISS able to dodge weapon parked in near Earth orbit ambush position back in 2018 + + +

tick symbol What we need is a new word to replace transphobic. Because we don't go about in fear and trembling of them. We just don't want to hear any more garbage from them and their fans.
reader comment“All that comes to mind is tranorexia, but that would apply to those unfortunates who can't get enough of them and do all the trolling on their behalf just for the sake of something to do.” Aldo Pangrami

Kerching!Locko lout?
That will be 200 quid instead of 100 now.

markerThe Big Debate: Who would shop a neighbour? Who is saying they would but would be too scared to? Who says they wouldn't but would? And who is saying nowt and plotting something really evil?

reader comment“When you hear someone on TV talking about a 'journey' and a 'narrative', press the key on the remote to activate the BS filter. Generally, the result will be dead air silence.” Hodger Wheesht

markerDelusions R Us department: Sir Kreepy Steamer thinks that he can save The Planet by being a veggie. Good luck with that.
reader comment“On Earth, we have the expression 'flim-flam'. This isn't even flim.” Orange Cussedly
reader comment“If he seriously thought he was achieving something worthwhile, he'd just get on and do it. But the creepy political virtue flagging tells its own story.” Quinola Djeep

markerAnxiety Bracelet: Is that something you give to someone who's overconfident to make them feel twitchy?

markerThis really works
We all have to listen to more garbage than we should in those TV adverts aimed at making us feel guilty for not using that particular product. So when you hear a claim that using something will Save The Planet, stop listening. You kno it makes sense.

bulletQ: Have things 'been a bit', as that tiresome TV ad claims?
bulletA: Total BS. Things have been a lot.

markerCovid Conversation
   Prisoner: "I'm Spartacus!"
   Rest of prisoners in chorus: "No, I'm Spartacus!"
   Roman Fiveturion: "Let's crucify the lot of them. There's only six and it won't take all day."

bullet In case anyone hasn't noticed, summer is officially over.

reader comment“No mob out setting fire to Croydon over the weekend after the murder of a police officer on Friday? Do we assume that police lives don't matter? Or are we just a bit more civilized here?” Petrel Snilby

markerEggon face? Nope, all over
The confecters rushed to label Sir A. Conan Doyle's novella The Poison Belt a crime against humanity because it offers the proposition that some racial types were more affected than others by the invisible doom.
   Oh, dear. Chinese plague. The Universe really hates the rachel confecters. We are passing through a poison cloud of dementia which targets the confecters as the living proof.

markerBuy this, you dopes
If spivs can get away with labelling potato crisps as 'gluten free', how long will it be before other spivs get in on the racket? Gluten free carrots & cauliflowers. Not to mention newspapers, postage stamps, kitchen towels, hand sanitizer, boggo rollos . . .
   All they need is sufficient contempt for the intelligence of the customer.

bulletQ: How do you get a bye in the FA Cup (assuming it won't be abandoned)?
bulletA: Make sure, like Spurs, that you're drawn against a team of positive virus testers.

reader comment“County cricket doesn't have a diversity problem—it's the BLAME Bunchers and their fans who have the problem. The people who want to make a living playing cricket, and are good enough, do so. And if cricket clubs end up non-diverse because of it, that's natural selection and not something for the BB to meddle with.” Thal Shi'ur

Next month's blockbuster

President TrumpFrom Golf to Glory

The story of how Scotlandland's greatest benefactor, Donald Trump, built on the goodwill created by his world-beating tourist attraction golf courses and saved his adopted country from the direness created by home-grown left-wing politicos wearing the Labour & SNP colours, and became the true Champion of Scotland and president in all but name.

Available @ Romiley Tomes, 63 Riverside Drive

bulletQ: Does it matter if a Tory MP forgets to put on a face mask in an otherwise unoccupied train carriage?
bulletA: As the mask is there to protect others from him, not if there are no others. And any outrage is confected by Those People with sad, empty lives.

markerAn attempt to Wheensteen the deceased French music icon S. Gainsbourg seems to be getting nowhere. Maybe the French are more resistant to the MeeToo mob.

Kerching!Want a pair of eco-jeans printed with what are supposed to look like grass stains? Only a moron would pay six hundred quid for them. Luckily for the flogger, there are lotz of mugz around.

markerTheir cash is as green as anyone else’s
NASA is going into the product placement biz to offset part of the $3.5 BILLION operating cost of the International Space Station. Cough up a big wad of dosh and a container of your gunk will appear in photos and video shot by spaceborne astronauts—who will be under no obligation actually to sample the gunk on offer.
reader comment“Gluten-free gunk, right?” Viz Yualise

markerSlow plunge into self-inflicted oblivion
The Notional Truss faces having to return 20% of its income-generating properties to the outraged heirs of the donors after its confecters created dubious links to slavery and colonialism. [Which is something completely different from slavery, by the way, but don't Xpect the confecters to appreciate that. Ed.]
   Worse, the NT expects to have to sell 30% of its properties to be able to return the 20% in good order, as legally required. Even worse, up to 71% of the NT's subscribers are threatening to end their membership over the NT's prejudiced wonkism.
reader comment“Typical NT wonk arrogance, failing to give our nation the credit due for civilizing and bringing wealth to the less fortunate parts of the world.” Kier Mudgeon

 WEEK 5      Living it up in the Rikishi Snackbar

bullet Self-isolate early for Xmas!

markerThey’re all at it
The search is on for episodes in early science fiction writings of circumstances which can be labelled as a prediction of the current pandemic Chinese plague. Sirs A. Conan Doyle and A.C. Clarke are the usual starting points.

bullet MI5 is thinking of rebranding itself as to shed its 20th century image and move forward into a new era.

bulletGulp! Students are more likely to die of meningitis than the Chinese plague, the Xperts reckon. And Scottish Labour is trying to make students in locko there 'uman bluddy rights cases.

Prof. N. Ferguson, who infamously predicted half a million deaths from the Chinese plague if we did nothing to check its spread, and who was sacked for deciding that locko rules didn't apply to his GF, is claiming that he was got @ by the meeja and they are to blame for everything.
   Wot else is new?

bullet Things that push the rachel button include shrunken heads created by the inhabitants of the jungles of South America. They are being removed from museums to avoid driving really wonky customers into an absolute confection of rachel shock.

markerThe latest conspiracy theory is that China has taken over Barbados; lock, stock & cricket team; and that is why HM the Queen is being retired as head of state. The waxworks cannot stand competition.

markercross symbol The wonks who tried to blame Leighton Buzzard's recent tiny cluster of minor earthquakes on fracking have been laughed out of town. When the earth moves in a small way in Romiley, coal mining in Lancashire in centuries past usually gets the blame.

markerThings to come
Scottish health board managers, who sent untested patients back to care homes, ignoring an instruction from the Health Minister that they should first have had 2 negative test results for the Chinese plague, could face manslaughter charges over deaths from the plague in those care homes.

Following President Trump's lead, President Boris is cutting off some of the World Health Organization's pocket money until it comes up with the truth about the origin of the Chinese plague. Which will be rather difficult as the WHO is in China's hip pocket.

bullet Pilot whales are to be renamed after 270 of them found themselves trapped by sandbars off the coast of Tasmania. The Xperts are trying to come up with something short and pithy for 'no bloody sense of direction at all'.

bullet The government is making hating women a crime worth 7 years in gaol (out in 3). Hating men, of course, will remain encouraged by the diversifiers and Wee B. in Scotland.

markerPresident Trump's candidate for the vacancy in the US Supreme Court is a mere slip of a girl who's only 48 years old. Which means she'll have job security until 2059, if she lasts as long as the previous incumbent.

markerA matter of privilege
Passengers in taxis might be required to wear face masks but passengers in chauffeur-driven limos aren't.
   'Coz posh people don't get the plague.

tick symbol Being trolled by tranorexics has done wonders for the sales of J.K. Rowling's latest epic about the amputee P.I. Mr. Stride. The Universe works in mysterious ways.

Far Queue symbol A good way to outrage Labour MPs is to remind them that a Labour government under Tony B. Liar had no problem with starting an illegal war in Iraq.

markerHearts not bleeding
The lawyers who confect bogus claims of torture and murder by British troops abroad are trying to claim that the Defence Sec.'s legal limitations on their practices amounts of legalizing torture & murder rather than impoverishing crooked lawyers. Good luck with that.

The high death tolls from the Chinese plague in Sweden and the UK are being blamed on the Revenge of The Universe. Both countries have been successful in reducing winter flu deaths in the last few years and the people dying of the Chinese plague are mainly flu dodgers.
   Alternatively, letting flu run rampant protects any survivors from the Chinese plague. Pick any view you like and there will be Xperts available to support it.

both kneesmarkerThings to come
Sir Kreepy Steamer will be making a grovelling apology to the nation for pretending that he has the answers to absolutely everything. Preferably, on both knees.

bullet Briefing Note: Twindemic—the Chinese plague plus winter flu as a 2-for-the-price-of-one special offer.

reader comment“You have to start wondering about the agenda of pundits who moan that the government was saying "Do this" a month ago, when things were different, and it is now saying "Do that" because circumstances have changed. Is it just 'look at me' attention-seeking or are they getting something more for their services?” Bigard Lasfeme

reader comment“What is the point of fining a hospital trust £1,600 plus £10,965 for legal stuff for killing a customer? That's £12,565 that the trust won't be able to spend on treating customers and paying staff. How does that benefit the surviving and future customers?” Mridian Canape

markerIf you claim to be a stoic and also dyslexic, the courts will let you get away with saying absolutely anything to anyone—no matter how offensive your language and even if your tirade would make the Race Police faint from a joyful confection of outrage.

markerA spot of goes around
Bristol is to be renamed Colstonville for the next five months as a public apology for the outrages perpetrated against the memory of the city's major benefactor.

reader comment“It has to be significant that it's not the Royal Notional Truss. HM and her cohorts clearly know dodgy characters and chancers when they come across them.” Kalis Bethlove

markerIggorance Rulz, OK
All Those People who claim that the pyramids were built with slave labour; possibly, to sabotage tourism to Egypt; have clearly never seen the TV programmes telling us that they were built by artisans, who made a good living out of the job and were allowed to create their own, much more modest tombs nearby.
reader comment“Alternatively, the artisan story was confected by the Egyptian Tourist Board. I bet you could get a couple or three Xperts to support that version.” Vregas Chir

markerNothing like sound planning
Who's the genius who decided that the privately run Lighthouse testing labs could use different test tubes & equipment from NHS hospitals so that they can't swap backlogs?
reader comment“An OBE at least for that.” Squidger O'buma

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, September MM20 like anyone cares