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The SAGE Bunch are entering their Last Chance Saloon. If their November locko fails to solve all of the nation’s problems, they all get the sack.
No ands, no ifs, no buts.
Gone. Reputations trashed.

Normal Service sign

 WEEK 1      Locko or Notto? That is the question!


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marker Youth-anasia?
The bloke who founded a chain of eateries reckons that it's not worth having another national lockdown to save the lives of a few thousand ancient and sick people if it blights the lives of the young for 20-30 years.
   How long will it be before we get similar 'community leaders' calling for the assassination of these inconvenient bods to make the problem for the young go away?
   Welcome to Onlinea, where no idea or person is too nutty not to have a gang of followers.

markerIn the current climate of confection & backlash, is Amazon taking its life in its hands by holding a Blacque Friday event?

Distant admiration
reader comment“Milkman turned actor Sean Canary is being offered as an iconic Scot. So iconic, in fact, that he chose to go and live in the Bahamas rather than a native land blighted by decades of Labour then SNP misrule.” Slurp McGurp

markerTo sneak or not?
Motorists who drive through Romiley regularly have spotted that some of the speed bumps are next to strips of road which have been isolated as a parking zone with broken white lines. And if the zone is unoccupied, they can keep left and keep their foot down, and drive through the zone to avoid the speed bump completely.

bullet Anyone in Tier 3 is safe from Trick or Treaters.
reader comment “When they say 'trick or treat', you just smile and tell them you'll have a treat, please. Really baffles the grabbing little buggers.” Gorrie Zontal

bullet Wilful Stupidity of the Week: the ban on shops selling alcohol after 9 p.m.

markerDifferent method, same outcome
Hijacking an airliner and claiming asylum when it lands in Britain used to be the sure-fire way of getting to stay here plus a free ride, no matter how evil a piece of trash you are.
   But the disastrous downturn in the air travel industry has meant a change of tactics. Stowing away on an oil tanker and trying to hijack it in British waters is the new style.
reader comment“And it gives the Royal Navy's Special Boat Service guys a decent run out.” Aram Admin

bullet Slack Wives Natter

markerForget substantial, substitute sub-standard
In Manchester, police licensing officers are visiting pubs & bars to enforce the substantial meal rule. Regular readers will not be surprised to learn that these wonks have no idea what constitutes a substantial meal. But they have concluded that a 600-calorie slice from a giant pizza is too small to qualify and only a complete 22" pizza will do.
Far Queue symbol To no one's surprise, Manchester's cosmetic mayor remains in his bunker and he is making no effort to make the confused coppers see sense.
reader comment“Manchester vs Wales in the Wonk of the Week run-off?” Epluh Rebus

markerMaking a Bid for Joe’s approval, or Bidet Rehab
As the current US presidential carnival draws to a close, the bridge builders are trying to tell us that Sleepy Joe might not kno who he's running against, but he's a great guy who had our back 40 years ago during the Falklands War when President Ronnie Raygun wanted us to let the Argies win. Pretty thin, guys. Probably just a Democrap going the opposite way to a Republican because that's what they do.
reader comment“Just don't mention having the IRA's back and all the other anti-British stuff.” Kleo Kill
reader comment“And the OCW waiting in the wings for Joe to hit the buffers.” Quinola Djeep

marker49er miners plus quite a lot
Prospectors panning for gold in Scotland are about to get some competition from a commercial outfit, which reckons it knows where to dig deep holes to extract gold to the value of £255 MILLION at today's inflated price.

markerTimely reminder: Scotland should not let Gordon F. Broon anywhere near its national gold mines in case he drops the world price of gold by one-half, as he did before he sold off 50% of the UK's gold reserves when Chancer of the Exchequer.

Far Queue symbol The bosses of the publicly owned The Post Office are doing the public the wonderful favour of scrapping one-third of its free-to-use ATMs.

marker We've had steampunk and dieselpunk.
Wot's next? Electricpunk? Nukepunk?

markerIn sameness there is . . . stoopidity?
Universal lockdown rules over the Xmas & New Year holiday for the whole of the UK is in line for the Stoopidest Idea of the Year Award 2020. The government needs to tell its proponents that they can have it only if they can ensure that the virus rate everywhere in the UK is the same.

bullet Q: Are we surprised that looney left wonks everywhere are demanding the same lockdown rulz for everywhere in the UK @ Xmas regardless of plague levels?
bullet A: Nope. It's exactly the sort of stoopidity we expect from the loonies.

Romiley Space AuthoritybulletGood News (for astronauts): NASA has found a pond of water one-third the size of England on the Moon. Enough for a colony with agriculture and hydrogen fuel.
bulletBad News: It's frozen in tiny nooks & crannies all over the place and consolidating it will be a HUGE pain.
[And probably unaffordable. Ed.]
bulletWorse News: The vast lunar pond is a product of a mathematical model, which will require one or more rover missions of exploration and extraction to be sent to the Moon to check whether the pond is real or just a fanciful illusion.

bulletQ: How daft do you have to be to jump out of a helicopter 131 feet above the sea and make a feet-first landing in the water in search of a world record?
bulletA: Bloody.

reader comment“To all those taking a poke @ Joke Bidet—Sir Winston Churchill was a month away from his 77th birthday when he became again the British prime minister at the end of October of 1951. ” Sic O'phant
reader comment“Remind me, how many Nobel Prizes for literature has Sleepy Joke won?” Vine P'lanta

We tried to tell them that the rotten government had banned Halloween.
But they just wouldn’t bloody listen!
And they’re not going away!

marker President Boris has had a pre-locko haircut.
Same again next year?

markerHow long will it last?
100,000 people getting the Chinese plague every day in England. That's a million every 10 days, 3 million per month and the entire population of England will have had it by the end of May 2022.
reader comment“Wot about reinfections?” Dup Verto
reader comment“No data, mate. At least, nothing reliable.” Viz Yualise

bullet Forget mail deliveries on a Saturday. The Boss of the Royal Mail sez no more.

cross symbol Why is the Labour party not bothered about Semitism? Because it has been around for far too long for those involved to be a sexy minority.

Kreepy pantsJust another bloody opportunist
reader comment“Kreepy Steamer is fooling no one. It wasn't his idea to have a national lockdown. That was forced on him because it was the opposite of government policy at the time.
   “If the government had proposed a national locko in September, Sir Kreepy would have been sounding off against it with the same lack of sincerity.” Machine Tapefrog.

Kreepy pantsbulletQ: How do you avoid being arrested when you hit a cyclist whilst doing a U-turn in your car and then stroll off?
bulletA: Be Sir Kreepy Steamer.
reader comment“Okay, where's the director of pubic prostitutions when you need whoever it is?” Bug Whyne
reader comment“Will the Wearer of the Pantz of Kontrol and his party be too ashamed to take another pop at Desperate Dom's driving? Nah. They're politicians and enbloodytitled.” Noah Deal
reader comment“When President Boris does a U-turn, no one ends up in hospital.” Llam Borg
reader comment“No, they all croak at home because of the locko wished on us by his Xperts and because they're too scared of the plague to go near a hospital.” Jami Calnasti

cross symbol Cheerful News (not). You get a cold. You get better. You get another cold. Same with the Chinese plague, the Xperts reckon.

bulletQ: Why is a former Supreme Court judge sounding off against plague restrictions as tyrannical and a precursor of long-term authoritarianism?
bulletA: Maybe he's worried that the government will stop judges from making up their own laws and ignoring what's in the statute books.
reader comment“It is not without good reason that its politicians and lawyers & the rest of the legal trade to the lamp posts, come the revolution.” Rag Narok
Too many greedy buggers & nutters?
reader comment“Maybe the lawyers who did a whinge in theGrauniad would gain a bit of respect if they didn't abuse the taxpayer's pocket quite so shamelessly with cynical and worthless manoeuvres, and maybe judges would be respected if they weren't so dotty and perverse.” Knasti Fka
reader comment“Captain Hook. £25 MILLION. Ker-bloody-ching!” Rashgan Vuyshol
reader comment“No doubt the reason why the abuse is allowed to go on, and the law of the land is never straightened out, is that there are so may lawyers in the House of Common Criminals.” Grid Schjer
reader comment“E.G. Sir Kreepy Steamer?” Nightsly Alien
reader comment“The police are no better. They've given up on charging people found in possession of Class A drugs in favour of busting people with a too-small slice of pizza.” Dred McGram
reader comment“But constable, it's small 'coz I have ate three-quarters of it. Don't make no difference, chummie, you are still bleedin' nicked.” Ellie DeGenerate

marker Prince Hairy walks about in his wife's shoes.
   What is he? Some kind of masochist?

markerSmall loophole
Carol singing is banned unless the participants stand in a circle, spaced 2 metres apart and all facing out from the centre. And safely spaced from anyone listening in.

bullet Anyone caught breaking the plague rules is advised to plead brain fog caused by the virus in the hope that the magistrates or a judge is mug enough to fall for it.

reader comment“If he had any integrity, Bidet the Bookmark would have stepped aside in favour of someone 40 years younger. But he didn't.” Cashier Nadal

bulletQ: What do you get if you're a 42-year-old Brazilian convict who has killed 48 other inmates @ various gaols, including 5 in one go?
bulletA: No, not a medal. Gaol sentences totalling 217 years with more to come.

markertick symbol Police forces are busting a gut to increase the number of fines issued by speed-cam traps in known areas of maximum revenue to make up for a 27% reduction in fines issued for using a phone while driving. Motoring organizations are not amused. Neither are motorists.

markerThey are still at it
The slavery industry is busy confecting links to Royal palaces, including those that predate the slave-trading era. Presumably, if they got a coat of paint or some refurbishing in the 17th and/or 18th century, the confecters will assume the cash had to come from slaving.
reader comment“It probably provides employment to otherwise unemployable obsessives, all the confecting.” S. Cribble

bulletQ: H2S—unnecessary & unaffordable?
bulletA: Yup.

tick symbol The travel industry is claiming that people who go abroad are no more likely to get a dose of the plague than if they'd stayed at home.

bulletQ: How do you cop for a locko fine of £6K.
bulletA: Post a picture online of yourself out & about @ an eatery when you should be at home, self-isolating.

markermarkerFighting talk
France has declared war on the Islamist Terror Tendencies and posted armed guards in and around churches to protect them from nutters with knives. Inhabitants of Moslem countries, especially Pakistan, are trying to declare war on France and President MacRon's tough line on those @ the homicidal fringe of their co-religionists.

bulletQ: Why the Rule of Six?
bulletA: Because the Xperts thought a Rule of Ten would be okay but they just knew that the customers would abuse it and interpret it as a Rule of Fifteen. Thus the number was set at Six to create a bit of slack.

markerTased with the Torch of Truth
The Xperts have shone the Torch of Truth on Warmist claims that gorbal warming will remove 50% of British sandy beaches by the end of the century and guess what? The bastards were lying.

reader comment“As 'they' is a plural pronoun, do the weirdos who insist on it use the Royal We when talking about themselves? Or are they just taking it?” Urbane Legend

markerDo not add up
We are told that the volume of Arctic ice has been reduced by 80% since 1979 and this will (i.e. some time in the future) cause a major rise in sea levels. Which is total bollocks.
   If the ice has been converted to seawater, any sea level rises will have happened already. Because the water from the former ice doesn't just disappear into thin air, waiting to reappear at the convenience of the Warmists.

markerKeen Competition
France and Germany are in a competition to see which can curb the activities of Chinese plague super-spreaders with the least restrictions. At the moment, France is losing with a more complete lockdown but Germany has no guarantee that its lighter touch will be effective.

Knee of Grace The latest shock-horror from the medical trade is that always looking on the bright side of life gives you heart disease.
   Ergo, be a pessimist and live forever!

markerWe’re not all gonna die: not this week, anyway
The Doom-Manglers are facing increasing competition from the Recovery Rationals, who are attempting to compel President Boris to get a grip and put the threat from the Chinese plague into its proper perspective.

police helmetNudging toward a new norm
Criminal crime has fallen by 20% since locko was introduced but drug crime is up to keep the criminal community occupied.
   It is also a safer career choice if the nation's police farces are ignoring drugs in favour of persecuting less dangerous members of the public, such as those with a too-small slice of pizza in a pub or eatery.
[Something they're not going to be able to do come this month-long locko. Ed.]

bagn The French are making noises about stirring their stumps and doing something about nailing the criminal people movers operating in their country. Nothing we've not heard before and we're not expecting a sudden overcrowding of the French prison system.
reader comment“The thing that sticks in the craw is the assumption by the customers that they can just turn up here, uninvited and without offering references, and expect a free ride at the expense of the British taxpayer.” Kier Mudgeon

vote crossIt seems to be the way forward
Vote early, vote often is about to come true in the United States. Postal voting ahead of the presidential election is on course to boost the total number of votes cast to 103% of the legitimate electorate. Something with which the inmates of the Gremlin in Putinstan will be able to identify.
reader comment“Anyone who tells us the election has divided America should be shot at dawn. Every bloody election divides every bloody country.” Hella Nacelle

Far Queue symbol The Tate Modern art gallery is now letting a committee of rachel confecters rule on whether exhibitions can go ahead, or whether they should be cancelled to avoid upsetting the BLAME Bunch.

cross symbol Bankrupt African countries have ordered the Comic Relief charity to stop sending its representatives to the Dark Continent to make charity appeals as they emphasize the failure of African regimes to do anything much to improve the living standards of their unfortunate customers.

markerJust swapping the problem around
Banning public firework displays, the Xperts reckon, will fill hospitals with firework idiots and their victims for sure. That's instead of new plague cases from attending a public event.
   Fire brigades are also expecting a busy time today and at the coming weekend due to back-garden displays that get out of hand.
reader comment“Ban firework sales to the public, say the Xperts. But what they plan to do about frustrating internet sales is not on offer.” Bhang Dupp

Far Queue symbol A former CPS prosecutor is spending money on trying to get Desperate Dom arrested for breach of plague regulations. But as D.D. didn't do anything likely to infect anyone else, it looks like the former is just playing politics.

marker No riots & arson in Austria in response to lives lost to Islamic terrorism.
Europe is too civilized?

markerThe Law just ain’t like that
Anyone hoping for a swift inquiry into the policy of sending old people who had tested positive for the plague in a hospital off to a care home without telling anyone at the care home is sadly deluded.
   Judicial inquiries don't do swift. Ever.

tick symbol One man can make a difference—if his name is Donald J. Trump. All you Yanks had to do was decide whether you wanted the difference made.

Bright idea! Bright idea!

Maybe they could combine Halloween and Xmas this year. And maybe strap on Bonfire Night as well.
reader comment“It would be a Festival of Festivals!” Mans Praeding

reader comment“Were he able to be bothered, would the recently late Sir Sean Canary really want to be remembered for his role in the film The Untouchables, even though it won him an O'scar? The TV version with Robert Stack was soooo much better.” Occasional Bling

cross symboltick symbol A No-Deal Brexit will wipe out the French fishing industry and also put an end to British exports to Europe by surface travel as all ports and the Chunnel will be blockaded by out of work fisherpersons. The air cargo industry should get some welcome extra work, however.

writer comment“The Labour party is said to be having a civil war over the expulsion of O.J. Corbynstein. But when you're out and about; as much as you are permitted, these days; there's no sign of it. Which means that this is the best sort of war—invisible, not involving too many people and not affecting the rest of us.” H.T.S.

This . . . or this?
Some choice, huh?

reader comment“Interesting fact from the inquest on the Corbynski era—Neil Pillock gets the blame for Tony B. Liar, New Labour, Gordon F. Broon and The Mandelsleaze. They were a direct product of his expulsion from Labour of Dreggsy and the Liverpool Militants.” Cergei Putinovsk
reader comment“Also, Sir Kreepy spent 4 years in the Labour Shadow Cabinet whilst all the anti-Semitism was going on. Knitting his Pantz of Kontrol and doing nothing else?” Icon Fess

markerNot terribly innocent enjoyment
Amazon has provided its Swedish customers with a website that looks like a huge schoolboy joke. A badly written translation program has converted advertisements in English into Swedish by extracting every imaginable naughty component from English words and offering the grossest Swedish equivalent.
reader comment“No doubt everything made in Scunthorpe is very popular.” Spae Stout

marker Surprise! The Nigerian tanker hijackers, who gave the SBS a day out, have been given bail by the police.

reader comment“President Boris has to be really worried if that achiever Lord Farage of the Garage is going after him with an anti-locko party. Especially in the light of the success of the Farage Brexit Movement.” Frank Solstice

markerTrans-virus Extinction?
marker How bluddy cheerful—there are 85,000 viruses in animals, which could make the transition to humans as the Chinese plague did, the Xperts reckon.
   Even worse, there are 1.7 MILLION as yet unidentified and potentially lethal viruses around, according to an alarmist guestimate.

bulletQ: What is the best way to swat a fly?
bulletA: Hard enuff to kill it.

markerSalvation is at hand? Sure it is!
A New Age traveller turned ecopreneur claims he has a pollution-free method of making diamonds, which could be used to extract carbon dioxide from the atmosphere and save us from gorbal warming; the dream of Warmists everywhere.
[Or is it? Reduce the CO2 content and the Warmists would have no purpose any more. Ed.]
marker   One small problem, though. Reducing the atmospheric carbon dioxide content by one-half to 200 parts per million would require the production of 400 metric tons of diamonds for every 'uman bean on the planet! Assuming no further carbon dioxide is allowed to be added to the atmosphere.
   In other words, so many diamonds that their value will drop to zero, the production company won't be able to give them away, the tycoon will go bust and he will have to go back to New Age travelling.
reader comment“This process would also raise the content of oxygen in the atmosphere and make forest and urban fires that bit more spreadable.” Orange Cussedly
[Small snag: the process can create about 80 grammes of diamond per month. And not adding further CO2 to the atmosphere would mean that all mammals, 'umans included, will have to stop breathing. Ed.]

A message for the masochists who think taking a plunge into freezing cold water makes them happier & healthier
Don't let the rest of us stop you, but pardon us if we don't join in.

marker A knighthood should go to a guy who abandoned Britain for Monaco to avoid paying the full whack of tax on the millions he's paid for driving a racing car on only about a dozen weekends per year? What a fine example he is to the rest of us!

mental elfreader comment“Are lotz of people really worried about their mental 'elf in locko? Or do they just see it as something fashionable, especially with Royal princes, active & inactive, and say they're worried to avoid feeling left out?” Hodger Wheesht

markerNo Escape
Police numbers are rising in response to a recruitment campaign aimed at raising cash from plague rule violation fines to top up the national coffers which our teenage Chancellor has depleted with his employment support schemes. So motorists on furlough could end up paying for themselves!

Far Queue symbolSomewhat predictable
The Balderdash Broadchasing Creeps are playing the 'our man is at death's door' card over allowing a proper investigation of the confecting that went on to set up what is now the notorious M. Bashir fake news interview with Princess Diana.
bulletQ: When is it okay to do something crooked?
bulletA: When it's 'a lapse' and you 'weren't thinking when you did it' and you are a BBC altar boy.

markerHow to have a family Xmas
If more than 6 people are likely to turn up, you create a limited company for 6 quid, make all the members of your family employees on a zero hours contract and invite them to attend unpaid works events when the Festering Season comes around.
   This is the brane* wave of F. Settle of Shipley, Yorks.
[* This contributor has been reading The Complete Molesworth. Ed.]

The death of freedom of speech
Kerching! The legal trade wants to include discussions in private dwellings in its hate crime agenda to boost its income from legal fees when the police haul 'he said, she said' customers into court.
   In the rosy crime-filled future, if the legal trade gets its way, saying something as harmless as 'I absolutely hate this' will become a criminal offence with the penalty of a stonking fine; or gaol time if the judge has a hangover.
reader comment“Or if someone thinks that you might possibly have said it but they're not sure?” Mauvais Coucheur
reader comment“Get the lamp posts ready?” R.W.
reader comment“Dockson of Dick Green is already complaining that time-wasting hate crime complaints are distracting the Met from not investigating serious crimes like those involving guns and knives.” L.A.

stetsonWhinge of the Week: Cultural Approximation
This is a subset of the cultural appropriation whinge. It is aimed at those who indulge in cultural appreciation, which involves adaptation of an iconic entity belonging to one culture to suit the tastes of another. Or, in the most whinged about cases, messing about with it.
   Those who approximate skilfully claim that they are involved in adeptation and their talents should be recognized. Those who just moan for the sake of it just moan for the sake of it.

bulletQ: Which is the more serious imaginary crime, cultural appropriation or cultural approximation?
bulletA: It depends on who wins the approximation vs appreciation debate, the one being a Bad Thing and the other being An Homage.
reader comment“And then there's the cultural adaptation lobby to consider. They argue that change is inevitable and change from a solid foundation is positively desirable.” Guy Drologist

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Far Queue symbolThe only positive thing that can be said for locko(?) is that it deprives Islamist terrorists of easy targets.

marker One day, we're being told that kids are not being fed. The next, we're assured that British kids are the fatties of Europe. Spit the bones out of that!

Kerching! Gulp! His trade union supporters are getting ready to sue the Labour party for violating O.J. Corbynstein's 'uman bluddy rights by chucking him out!
   The story is that they have a £360K war chest to chuck at the legal trade which, being a member of it, is not something Sir Kreepy can disapprove of.
reader comment“The race is now on to create the most outrageous guestimate of the MILLIONs the expulsion of O.J. will cost in Labour party subscriptions withheld by pro-Corbynski trade union bosses.” Ovid Scue

marker Criminal gangs no longer fear the police, the former leaders who helped to dilute police credibility during the New Labour era are now admitting.
reader comment“And what? Expecting a medal?” Triff of the Davids

markerToday’s conspiracy theory
Big supermarkets are behind the current national locko as is has sent a surge of boggo rollo bandits and other panic buyers out to stock up on stuff which, with any luck, will reach its best-before date long before it is needed and have to be replaced, boosting supermarket profits still more.

cross symbol Customers are failing to follow the 14-day self-isolation rule in such numbers that it may have to be cut to a pragmatic 10 minutes.

tick symbol Panic buying of pre-locko haircuts has now been driven underground. Participants brave enough to risk the weather also seem to have the option of an open-air haircut in a park providing trimmer and trimee are both wearing a face mask.
reader comment“Or one in a playground, if they have their kids with them.” Nec Stadverts

The BBC is getting the blame for the Prince Chuck/Princess Di divorce, which was a direct result of the lies confected by Panorama interviewer & fantasist M Bashir for his notorious session with Princess Di. Something which has to be on the same level of heinosity as the late News of the World's phone hacking and something which commands the same level of reprisals.

bullet Cornwall closed down with just 7 plague patients in the main hospital.

 WEEK 2      The Joke is on all of us now

markerAnticipated locko consequence
The pub trade is warning that shutting them down will result in huge extra pressure on the NHS as young people turn to drugs to get wiped out if deprived of booze.
   Accidental overdoses, and also deaths due to incompetence and inexperience, are expected to soar in the coming month.

No sale
The latest scam call came from 01294 405 761 and claimed to be from 'your bank'. This one had been recorded by a human being rather than cobbled together using a bad computer speech program. But the message was the same—£600 gone to a 'foreign country fifteen minutes ago'. Unfortunately, the recipient doesn't have a VISA credit card.

reader comment“D. Trump, 'coz of his Scottish ancestry, is a friend of the UK. J. Bidet, on the other hand, is a member of the Green Beer Mafia and Fans of the IRA. Something to bear in mind as the counting goes on and on.” Vregas Chir

markerEnormous outrage
The Blob is in a state of on-going madness melt-down. Their Nemesis, former Education Sec. M. Gove, has ordered schools to remain open during the locko and teachers won't be getting another month off.
   Natch, Kreepy Labour is opposed to this; as it is a Tory policy; and they have to do the exact opposite of the Tories. Unless trapped into being on the same side by a sneaky Tory U-turn. Which gives them something more to whinge about.

eyes In this week's survey, 73% of respondents agreed that the SAGE squad are the biggest gang of deluded alarmists in the known universe and President Boris is as big an idiot for believing their fantasies.
[We have been advised not to publish what the other 27% think to avoid a raft of libel actions and obscenity charges. Ed.]

marker Chlorinated chicken will not be allowed in to the UK, we have been assured. Only fluorinated chicken will be accepted.

Far Queue symbol Something else not allowed in to the UK is people who have caught a variant of the coronavirus plague, which has jumped to 'umans from Denmark's HUGE mink population, which will be slaughtered by the millions in an attempt to wipe out the source.

eyesQuip of the Week
In the event of a burgalry, tell the cops there are 7 inturders on the premises to make sure Old Bill turns up promptly; if only to issue you with a fine of £10,000 for hosting an unlawful assembly.

markerBloody typical self-interest bod
A legal eagle reckons that the general public could launch a class action against the government for false imprisonment of the nation during locko. Which would shove Zillions in to the pockets of the legal trade but absolutely bugger all into the pockets of the customers should they win as the government doesn't have any money. All it does is redistribute taxpayers' cash.
[And far too much of it in the direction of the legal trade. Ed.]

bulletQ: Does calling the event where Napoleon Boney's hash was settled once and for all in 1815 the Battle of Waterloo rather than the Grand Victory of the Europeon Alliance mean that it wasn't a great British victory?
bulletA: Only to a female historian who is bent on rewriting our history to make us the pits of the universe.
reader comment“There's none as hates Britain and the British more than native wonky Lefties.” Crad Carrier

reader comment“Just as well the next US president doesn't take office until next January. It looks like getting all the counting and recounting and re-recounting done before then will be a close-run thing.” Petrel Snilby
reader comment“Not to mention getting all the legal action through the courts.” Hoijin Sharma

reader comment“Who does Sleepy Joe remind you of? Has to be that gopher who comes out of his hole once a year to find out if it's cloudy. Let us hope his wife sticks close by to remind Punxsutawney Joe what he's supposed to be doing.” Erm Humm
reader comment“Our expectations are really low for Pres. Biden. They are zero for Pres. Harris.” Ludicro Inaudibile
reader comment“Even less for President Pillocosi, should neither male candidate prevail..” M. Bashedeer

bullet + + + Peace process in danger + + + Hard border re-established between Wales & Englandland + + + Marchers out in force in Welsh Marches + + +

Easy choice
Closing down all golf courses has become a firm favourite to win the Stoopidest Locko Miscue Award 2020. If you can't space safely on the wide open spaces of a golf course—where better?—you need to be locked down in a bug hutch.

markerThe truth will out . . .
The TV series V is getting another outing on weekday evening TV. That's the one where Earth is taken over by aliens who claim to be benefactors but who are really people-eating lizards in 'uman masks.
   Does this sound like a familiar scenario?


reader comment“One thing is for sure—with Ballless Boris in charge here and Joke Bidet in charge across the Atlantic, the Chinese world domination plan is 2 giant steps closer to becoming reality.” Steve C. Goul
reader comment“Will this lead to everyone who wants to get on having to pay to get their eyes made cosmetically slitty?” Wacx Grod
reader comment“Didn't the V lizards brainwash useful 'uman stooges to maintain an illusion of continuity? That certainly explains Pres. Boris.” Vladek Kedlav
reader comment“Something that is rather obvious is that the aliens are turning 'umans into prime nosh by wiping out the old and sick, and also wiping out those who can't cope with being cooped up. What will be left will be young, healthy, self-assured food animals, who will stroll from their place of confinement to the dining table to be noshed by the lizards without a care in the world.” Shah Shevan
reader comment“How come that Witty bloke is still in a job after all the duff data and outright BS he has quite cynically sprayed around? Does he have someone important's grandma locked up in a deep, dark cellar?” Cy Dwynder

reader comment“'I'm not here to declare we've won but when the count has finished, we will be the winners.' Only a politician could think that's not a declaration of victory.” A resident of Fantasy City, USA

markerNot before time
The Competition & Markets Authority is to investigate greenhogwash claims made about the properties of food products, vehicles, etc. to find out if any contain an element of truth.
   Should keep the CMA busy for . . . ever.

Far Queue symbol Electric scooters are to be required to have a beeper to tell blind people and other pavement users what they are about to be mown down by.

Education Corner: themes, memes, wemes
bullet A theme is a central idea or message within a composition.
bulletA meme is an idea or fashion which becomes a (mindless) fad and is spread by imitation; usually via the internet and antiesocial meeja. It is derived from the Greek work mimema, an imitation, by shortening it to resemble the existing word gene.
bullet A weme is a meme spread by wonky wokes and therefore pernicious.

Far Queue symbol M. Bashire, P. Vallance and C Whitty are in a close race for the Pork Pie Distributor of Their Generation Award.

marker "What if" has been withdrawn from service for a retread and a rebore after being done to death by self-styled experts.

markerDevil, detail, as ever
Bets are going down now on how long President Bidet will last. Most people give him around 6 months before he's sidelined to a retirement community at the back of beyond and VP Harris discards the puppet's strings and steps out of the shadows. The precise number of days; or even hours for the nittiest pickers; is what counts for the BIG payout.
reader comment“If they retain control of the Senate, the Republicans have still won. Let us not forget that.” B. Lacklist
reader comment“Not necessarily. Pres. Bidet can rule by decree, a.k.a. executive order, and bypass Congress completely. And there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.” Parox Izm

bullet The latest estimate for the cost of H2S is now £170,000,000,000.

bonehead The malicious child abuse allegator C. 'Nick' Beech has failed to get his 18 year prison sentence reduced. The Court of Appeal didn't buy his assertion that he deserves a discount because his lies could have been much, much more poisonous.
reader comment“Still no sign of consequences for the top cops who considered those lies credible & true 'coz that's how the world works—in its negative way, justicewise.” Wally Sann

eyes Contrary to what our political leaders would have us believe, one nutter with a bomb, a gun, a knife or a vehicle CAN make a difference.

markerMore than one born every minute
A pair of inventive conmen did a doctor in India out 7,000,000 rupees (72 grand) with a magic lamp and a fake genie; a djinn, in this case. The doctor bought the story that the lamp would convey health, wealth and good fortune.
   Surprisingly, the conmen were still around when the doctor went to the police about their scam and they are currently enjoying the state's hospitality in Uttar Pradesh whilst the police count up how many other mugs were conned.

reader comment“Is the world really holding its breath over the US presidential election? Most people elsewhere have a plague to think about and all the restrictions that go with it, necessary & gratuitous.
   “p.s. No comments from Dan Druff and/or his alias Sy Copath? How strange.” H.C.

A one-off or more to come?
RSPCA staff in Carlisle are trying to work out if someone is trying to cheer up the town's visiting seagulls by dying them bright colours. One bird with its white bits dyed an electric blue was found in a car park and the charity's welfare officers are still trying to decide whether it was done deliberately or the bird was stooopid enough to fall into a container of blue dye.

markerThe mind boggles.
The bloke who rents a 17-acre croft in the Western Isles of Scotland for just £23/year is offering his tenancy @ an eye-watering £200K!! The plot has no dwelling and no planning permission for one. Anyone hoping to make a living from farming is unlikely to break even for around 100 years.

The Romiley Regulator reports that motorists are coping well with the plague bumps on the main road. Those in the know keep left through unoccupied on-road parking zones and avoid them. Drivers of ordinary road cars slow down and do a hip-hop over them. Wise guys in SUVs don't lift and just swan over them with barely a ripple.
reader comment“Even wiser guys check for on-coming traffic and move to the middle of the road if there is none for just a minimal bump from the plague panels.” B. Chbum

bullet Avalanche warnings are being issued already for Scotland's highest snow-covered mountains.

The president is out to lunchThe next step?
eyes Will D.J. Trump retire to a life of golfing in Scotland when he loses interest in court cases? Maybe during the hurricane season in Florida but a bloke of his age won't want to put up with the weather in Scotland any more than he has to.

markerHow wonky of him
President Bidet will go for diversity rather than competence when he puts 'his' people in top jobs. But given that most governments are endemically incompetent— think what Public Heath England and its counterparts did with PPE procurement and other plague issues—will anyone notice a difference?
reader comment“Let us hope he has the good manners to issue a grovelling apology for his past associations with IRA members before he asks for a state visit here.” R.F.

Far Queue symbol The Scottish government's attempt to confect hate crimes in the home is getting a good kicking from the legal trade, which reckons that anything that reaches the statute books will turn out to be unenforceable and therefore pointless.

Kerching! There is a movement being established to turn old plastic carrier bags from the 20th century into museum & gallery pieces and desirable collectables rather than landfill fodder—if they are fancy enough.

The tough question
right eyeleft eyeIs a self-charging hybrid really green? Not if it turns hydrocarbon fuel into electricity by what is an intrinsically wasteful process producing lots of carbon dioxide and other waste gases.
   The system's only real added efficiency is the energy recovery system, as used by F1 racing cars. It reduces brake wear by converting excess momentum into a top-up for the lithium battery—which is probably one of the most ungreen things it is possible to manufacture.

bullet Achtung, all customers! If you still have any of these, now would be a good time to spend them or change them in to Swiss roubles.
Trump million dollar bill

bulletQ: F-Bomb? MF-Bomb?
bulletA: An F-Bomb is a finger-bomb, a.k.a. a V-sign. The MF-bomb is executed with a middle finger.

Shriek!Ructions galore
Bets are being laid on how long the locko will actually last if President Boris gets mad enough with the fake data put before him to justify a month-long cessation of activities. Most of the money appears to be going on 3 weeks at the moment as two weeks is seen as just a bit too short.
   A decent amount of testing data from Liverpool, where everyone is being encouraged to get a test, symptomless or symptomful, will be definitive.

Far Queue symbol McDonuts is in deep trouble for all the cultural appropriation that is going into its Xmas menu. Jamaicans and Scots in particular are up in arms.

Kreepy pantsmarkerThe pragmatic legal eagle view
Sir Kreeepy Steamer wants pub closing times to be changed from the current blanket shutdown of 10 p.m. He thinks they should be staggered. It is believed that what he was trying to say is that if the customers are not staggering, they should be allowed to carry on boozing for a bit longer.

marker Rejected prime monster Gordon F. Broon has astounded the world by demonstrating that he does, in fact, have two brain cells to rub together. He has realized that Gopher Joe Bidet hates Britain, he's on Ireland's side because of his family connections there and he's not interested in doing a trade deal with the UK because no one here takes him seriously. He is also likely to make Moslems compulsory.

bonehead The government is planning to let monster lorries and trailers become even bigger to cut the number of journeys they make and reduce freight costs. No one seems to have noticed that the amount of wear & tear on roads will increase and delays due to repair work and the cost of those repairs will remove anything gained.

markermarker Will America descend into a third civil war? Supporters on both sides of the presidential battle, it seems, have both guns and the will to use them.

Far Queue symbol Sir Kreepy Steamer is worried about his supporters and the Corbynski Tendency getting into a Trump/Bidet-style legal battle over who is entitled to fly the Labour flag.

markerTough Choice
The election is over, the president-elect by a narrow squeak says it's time for the country to put aside its differences and come together, knowing this won't happen.
[Didn't happen with Brexit. Ed.]
   In fact, he knows full well that the losing side will do everything in its power to make life tough for him. In which case, does the pious speech make him a lying bastard or a hypocritical bastard? And does anyone care?

reader comment“What they should do in America (and elsewhere) is make a rule that if the vote in an election is about 50-50, then the incumbent should continue in office in the absence of a clear mandate for change.” A.L.
reader comment“This is certainly an idea which will appeal to the legal trade, which will Kerching! in more zillions arguing what constitutes even-stevens—49-51? 48-52? even 47-53?” A.J.

bonehead There is clearly lots of cash but not much sense sloshing around in rural Lancashire, where wonks are setting up carbon farms to control the climate (hem, hem). Like a couple of peat bogs are going to have any effect on the climate of The Planet.
reader comment“These projects tend to be all about making the place look tidier; in the view of the tidiers; and giving the tidiers something to do. They have found that the easiest way to do their beautification at other people's expense is to pretend they are saving The Planet with it.” G.B.
reader comment“Which means it's just more 'print the legend when it's better than the truth' stuff.” H.M.

Far Queue symbol The latest silent phone call was from 02035 140 068.

bulletQ: How sad do you have to be to spend £2,300 on a talking fridge?
bulletA: We're still boggling.

markerWe knew he was all talk
Would there be any point in mentioning to the notorious HUTAgonian gary bloody lineker that giving shelter to an asylum seeker involves more than just offering a couple of weeks' dossing down to a respectable law student?

sharkmarkerExposed rear end being covered
Vlad, the hijo de Putin, is rumoured to have Parkinson's Disease—he gets nasty when he drinks? He is also rumoured to be blagging everything in reach whilst legislation is rushed through the Gremlin to give him immunity from prosecution for absolutely everything imaginable and all the stuff which he has scrumped and stashed over the last 40 years.

No Balls, pleasebulletQ: What do yesterday's men do when they are desperate to be noticed?
bulletA: Ed 'He's Talking' Balls thinks that a whinge about a TV show he was on four years ago will do the trick.

tick symbol As some compensation for the fake data lockdown which we are all enjoying, the nation's Weather Control Service has arranged for November's weather to be mild in the main and pretty dry.

markerInteresting theory
The standard human body temperature is 97.9 deg.F rather than the accepted 98.6 deg.F/36 deg.C. The reason for this is that the body temperature rises when a huw-mahn is fighting off a virus and we are no longer subject to the continuous infections that plagued our ancestors.

Far Queue symbol The latest silent phone call was from 01475 204 046

markerChange, like stuff, does happen
Bird experts are claiming that common British birds 'could' go Xtinct if the climate gets warmer. Has no one told them about evolution, adaptation to change and replacement by other species sneaking into a vacant slot in the enviromint? How very strange that their alleged expertise is so lacking.

marker The Spanish government is revising and extending its laws to Xtract more cash from motorists with more restrictions on where they can go, which vehicles they can use and new speed limits. The plague has emptied the Spanish coffers, too.

markermarkerRethink needed
Being put under pressure to go for a country walk to relieve stress makes some people feel even more stressed, rivals of the Xperts who advised country walks are telling us now.

bulletQ: How do you reduce the value of a terraced house in a posh area of London from £8.5 million to zero at one foul swoop?
bulletA: Get some cowboys in to dig a huge basement and collapse everything above it into the hole sounds like a good strategy.

marker Olive ranchers in Italy are in an arse-kicking contest for survival with government restrictions, which will prevent them from making a harvest if left in place.

markerAll to play for
donkey The competition to identify the biggest absurdities consequent of the November faked-data locko promises to be lengthy and keen.
   Not being able to play tennis with a live-in spouse, not being able to enjoy the wide open spaces of a golf course or a wildlife park, being allowed to shoot ducks but not feed them. These absurdities will seem as mere trifles compared to the eventual prize-taker.

markerOpen, sez me
We have a guarantee that shops will be open in December for the Xmas trade because online delivery companies are at their limit and there are few delivery slots left.
   No doubt wiseguys will soon be offering their blagged slots for sale @ a suitable emolument.

Far Queue symbol The government in Denmark is facing Xtreme embarrassment after a challenge revealed that it had no legal authority to order a total massacre of minks @ fur farms to wipe out their particular strain of the coronavirus, which has made a successful transition to huw-mahns**.
[** We seem to have acquired a Ferengi contributor. Ed.]

markerRevelations compulsory
Peers are being required to reveal their secret earnings from Russia, China and other enemy sources, if only to ensure that they pay their full whack of income tax on all of their ill-gotten gains.

bomb!markerBusiness as usual
The BBC is currently shopping for large rugs, under which to brush this latest scandal about the confected fugug of Princess Diana interviewed on Panorama. Meanwhile, the legal trade is in full Kerching! mode as threats to sue Bashedear & the Beeb for libel fly in all directions.

bulletQ: Is being 'too ill to answer questions' about past crimes consistent with not being too ill to go out to buy a takeaway and a bottle of booze?
bulletA: If you're M. Bashedear, the Fake Sheikh of the Beeb, there's no conflict.
reader comment“Are we going to have to build another gaol for the BBC swindlers? Or would fencing off a bit of Dartmoor and parking them there for 100 years be sufficient?” T.H.
reader comment“Why aren't the police doing dawn raids on the BBC as they did to News of the Screws journalists after its phone-hacking? Or are they still getting the tickets printed for the spectators?” M.E.
reader comment“You miserable lot seem to be ignoring the fact that being a National Institution and a Member of the Establishment conveys total fireproofness to the Beeb and its bosses, past & present.” C.B.

markerNew world, new conflicts
The head of Britain's armed services reckons the plague could cause a 3rd World War. [That's World War No. 3, just to be clear. Ed.] Managing it with safe spacing should be an interesting challenge.

bulletQ: What do you do if President Boris makes you his vaccine tsar?
bulletA: Blow three-quarters of a million quid of taxpayers' money on spin doctors.

boneheadmarkerUseless, rather than useful, but still idiots
The Russians have a pretty low opinion of the average auntiesocial meeja participant if they think the wonks will believe their piece of fake news to the effect that any plague vaccine other than the Russian one will turn the recipient into a chimpanzee.

bulletQ: What's the ultimate insult to President Trump?
bulletA: Comparing his efforts to overturn the US election result with Sir Kreepy Steamer's efforts to overturn Brexit.

marker Blimey! Bollocks to Berko has been gone for over a year.
And still no peerage.

bulletQ: What turns a looney Left trade union leader into a fan of the House of Frauds?
bulletA: Giving him a peerage.

markermarkerGetting behind the news
We are invited to be shock-horrored by the news that 1 in 10 kiddies gamble with their own money. But we are too busy wondering whose money the other 90% of kids use for their gambling.

markerYou live & learn
Non-white footballers have to be 'of colour' now rather than coloured and revealing the top-secret information that girls don't like footballs being kicked hard at them is a hanging offence in Football Association circles. As is being white and a bloke rather than BLAME and woke.
reader comment“G. Clarke, the ex-chairman of the FA, is a genuine character assassination victim. When you look at what he actually said, as compared to the dodgy interpretations made by the meeja, his demise is a prime example of confecting outrage where there is none and a confected fugug.” R.W.
reader comment“Wouldn't it be great if the Chinese plague turns out to be especially deadly to HUTAgonians?” T.M.

marker The BIG question of the moment is how do you train a dog to sniff out a pocket phone stashed in a prison cell?

markerThought for the Day:
If we had Chinese-style 'Years of the', this would definitely be The Year of the Poor Little Stinker after all the whinges we have started to read and then abandoned after realizing it's just another whinge.

markerOh, dear!
The Xperts have concluded that the 'worried well', who blow zillions of pounds on multi-vitamins, are deluding themselves if they think they will boost their health.
   It's all self-delusion if the customer doesn't have a vitamin and/or mineral deficiency.

markerMore govt. dodginess
Chancellor Snack is to launch a green bond to fund global warming swindles. No doubt the interest rate will be even more miserable than that on offer to normal investors 'coz of the chance to wave a virtue flag.

marker + + + The BBC to receive ethics transplant + + +
[when someone figures out how to administer it. Ed.]

marker71 million Americans cannot be wrong
Departing president D.J. Trump is to provide 4-6 weeks of fireworks for the entertainment of his customers and the rest of the world as he exposes the corruption that went on in the election that put him out to grass.
reader comment“The positive spin-off will be to expose the wangles in the US electoral system which can and have been exploited in the past. Which will force the swindlers to come up with something original for 2024.” R.W.
reader comment“And the great thing about being The Donald is that he doesn't need to be the president to grab attention and make his presence felt.” R.W.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

 WEEK 3      

markerAchtung, all customers!
Black Friday has been postponed indefinitely pending selection of a colour which no offensive minority takes as grounds for going on the offensive in a fit of pique.

markerOne for the Xmas cracker:
Which drum is hard to beat? A conundrum!

markerDanger! Trubble Ahead!
There is a radical plan afoot to base access to university courses on the exam grades actually achieved by the potential customer rather than the over-optimistic guesses of teachers. The Blob is in a state of on-going shock in response to this challenge to its integrity.

reader comment“They say Gopher Joe is O'bummer Mark II. But is he going to spend two terms @ the White House before retiring to rack up hundreds of millions of collateral dollars? I don't think so.” V.P. Harrisment

markerThe Price of Progress or Dream on . . .
London to Birmingham in 14 minutes in a vacuum tube Xpress train? Makes H2S look a total joke. Until you realize that building the tube would cost 170,000,000 BILLION quid!!
   Nearly as much as the cost of the Chinese plague after Chancellor Snack has finished chucking our money around.

boneheadThe Price of Woke
Cambridge County Council has blown £2.3 MILLION of taxpayers' money on a Dutch design of major road roundabout, which is supposed to benefit cyclists but which has a fatal flaw that gets them killed if they're a bit unlucky.

markerAre humans still evolving?
Some Xperts say health care has put an end to it by making the need for change go away. Other Xperts say the stresses of coping with modern life are keeping evolution going. Par for the course, really.


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boneheadOut to lunch at the time?
Who, allegedly in their right mind, authorized a series of TV programmes with the title Nigela's Cook, Eat, Repeat? Parp, toot, fart.
reader comment“Contributes to the gaiety of nations, I suppose” R.W.
reader commentB U U U U R P! (with profound apologies to Garfield in the Daily Mail)” C.P.

If you are just responding to changing conditions, you are not managing a crisis, it is managing you, was offered to the nation as a piece of wisdom.
   It sounds like wisdom, but imagine yourself driving about in town and you think there's a left turn you need to take ahead so you anticipate it by turning left right now . . .
   "And that's how I ended up crashing through the front window of this shop, officer."

Captain Covid

Tension? Nope, what we
have here is elevension.

Is Everywhere

Maybe even ramped
up to twelvesion.

bulletQ: How many photographers turn a private visit to a foreign war cemetery on Remembrance Day into just another a cheap, self-publicizing stunt?
bulletA: One or more.
reader comment“Putting the 'stun' into 'stunt'?” Emily Covid-Barnes

markermarkerA short history of the British economy, 2020
OKAY @ the start of the year,
STOPPED in the spring,
GROWN @ a record rate in the summer, declined to
GROAN in the autumn when Captain Covid clamped the wheels again, ending with
MOAN that Captain Covid stole Xmas.

markerBoris Backs Bashir—Probe
It's all in how you read the line.

writer comment“Lord Hall, formerly honcho of the Beeb, to be stripped of his peerage over Bashirgate?” L.G.R.

marker No democracy in the United States for as long as Bidengate festers? Looks very likely that they're heading down that road.
[Which usually means they'll go somewhere else, the awkward buggers. Ed.]

Soon To Hit Your Screens

The Death of the BBC

The credible & true story of how a decades-long cover-up demolished the last shreds of credibility of a once respected broadcasting service, along with pillars of the Establishment, who ran the BBC and who hoovered up so much cash from the British public whilst abusing their trust.

Far Queue symbol What the bloody hell does Brexit have to do with Gopher Joke?

Kerching! The interests of freedom of speech are presented as a reason for not making the antisocial practice of campaigning against the use of vaccines, including those developed to tackle the Chinese plague, a criminal offence.
   But the equally valued principle of the right to know applies to the identities and the agendas of those paying for anti-vaccine propaganda. Especially, where the money comes from and what the propaganda funders expect to get out of it.

bonehead The Welsh devolved government has cancelled next year's O- and A-Level exams. Why? Because it is Labour territory and The Blob can be relied upon to give all the customers a fake A grade.

SNP logoThey really are all talk
"Politicians should promise less and deliver more" was said about what?
   The Scottish government's failure to deliver 3 new NHS plague testing labs by October. Two of them won't be open until next year. Worse, Scottish infection rates are not dropping and the devolved government's plague stats are full of blunders. Which means that nothing is better north of the border despite Wee Burney's blah.

markerBaking a batch of BS takes time
Purveyors of junk foods are outraged that the government is even considering a ban on advertising junk foods on Mr. Internet. The industry is particularly bent out of shape by being given only 6 weeks to come up with some alibis rather than 6 years.

bullet Once you've had one noon, it's always after noon.

fashtagmarkerQuick off the mark
Less than a couple of weeks after his death, the sleaze merchants are sneaking out of their bunkers to hurl bucketfuls @ Scottish icon Sean Canary. Not so much surprising as routine and predictable, these daze.

markerNot so much you can’t win as you’re not supposed to
MPs, the news meeja and all sorts of others are yelling that not letting relatives visit care home residents is a cruel & unusual punishment.
   But as soon as one visitor with the plague wipes out all the residents of a care home, the same tribe will be yelling from the rooftops, demanding to know why it was allowed to happen and demanding a public inquiry. Kerching!

marker Deft Definitions: Sanding the political process of drawing a line in it to isolate past criminal behaviour.

markerSomething else blamed on locko
The bad behaviour of footballers; from kids to professionals; is driving referees mental and if they don't get more respect, they will become Xtinct.

bulletQ: How do you take the nation's collective mind (well, some of it) off the plague for about 10 minutes?
bulletA: Stage a public squabble of the meeja minions @ Downing Street.

boneheadcross symbol Croydon council in London has achieved the objective of every Labour-run local authority. It has gone bust and will end up in the bankruptcy court. Reckless borrowing & spending, and speculating badly in the property market, are main causes of the collapse.

markerOn to greater things
D.J. Trump's next move will be to begin to rake in the best part of $100 million from TV and book deals when he moves out of the White House next January.

plague virusbulletQ: What are the hopes for a successful plague vaccine programme?
bulletA: Not brilliant. The government's Health Dept. wonks will bog things up. The medical trade has an endemic can't-do attitude and there isn't the equipment available to keep the Pfizer vaccine @ -70 deg.C. Thus all hopes have to be on the Oxford vaccine or another one.
reader comment“And the Kreepy party will be doing its level best to slow things down for political advantage?” M.J.
reader comment“Maybe they can bypass the NHS and put the Army in charge. There's a hell of a lot more can-do there.” D.C.

markerFinger Pointed
Who's to blame for the decline of British woodland? The rotten population for not eating venison and reducing the numbers of the deer, which are wrecking woodlands everywhere and wiping out rare plants in them as collateral damage.

bulletQ: Is anyone surprised that China is abolishing Hong Kong's "one country, two systems" exceptions?
bulletA: The only surprise is that it has taken the gang in Peking so long to clamp down on dissenters and their delusions of democracy.

markerWhat is The Donald up to?
plague virus He is showing the former president O'bummer how it's done. His predecessor needed two lacklustre terms in the White House to raise his profile high enuff to persuade mugs to hurl cash at him when he left office.
   Mr. Trump has been one of the best presidents the world has ever seen, there are now no worthwhile challenges for him in politics, and it is time for him to move on to the next challenge, secure in the knowledge that he is worth; in present and future terms; more than all previous US presidents put together.
reader comment“Why do you show so much admiration for the frankly awful Trump?” Manina Street
[Because it is a triffic way of annoying Those People exceedingly. Ed.]

bullet Attention all those who are not paying it: Gopher Joe is not the president-elect of North America. Canadialand has its own president, thank you very much, and has no need of Joe's services.

bulletQ: What do you get with a can of alcohol-free Guinness?
bulletA: A recall notice 'coz it's wonky. Something 'microbiological', which is fancy talk for bugged.

tick symbol The inventive Japanese are using wolf robots to scare marauding wild bears away from populated areas of Hokkaido.

bulletQ: What's a good torture for veggies?
bulletA: Make them eat curried banana skins.

bullet Attention all rich idiots: You can't catch the plague from a mink coat that was made in Denmark.

bulletQ: What's going to persuade people to blow £15K on a BMW electric scooter?
bulletA: You get a free matching parka jacket with it.
[If you can pretend the price isn't built in to the £15K. Ed.]

reader comment“The BBC keeps reminding us that President Trump's allegations of electoral fraud are unsubstantiated. Which might be accurate, but the reputation of our national broadcaster right now is such that if any evidence were to be uncovered, we would expect the Beeb to ignore it as inconvenient.” I.B.

bulletQ: Having lost the services of his 'take no BS' top staff guys, what is President Boris looking like?
bulletA: The good old American Xpression pussy-whipped springs to mind.

markerSwings & Arrows
Yes, it's perfectly reasonable to refuse people who refuse the plague vaccine the right to travel around the country and abroad. And it also opens up new lines of business for the creaters of fake documents, including 'I've had the jab' certificates.

bulletQ: Would Mary Wolstencraft have been thrilled by that weird Hambling statue, which is supposed to represent her?
bulletA: Had she been shown it in a crystal ball, she would have made every effort possible to remain anonymous!

The plague bumps on the main road through Romiley are known as 'speed cushions'. No doubt Stockport Council has appointed some lucky minion @ a salary of around £50K + pension contributions to go round and plump them up when the traffic has flattened them.
reader comment“If you have any doubts about the worth of the 'cushions', just watch an ambulance slow to a crawl to negotiate the first of a string of them and imagine yourself croaking in it because it didn't reach the hospital in time. And what about police cars & fire engines hurrying to a call?” M.D.

markerbulletQ: How do you infuriate the Wimmin @ the BBC?
bulletA: Get the Equalities & 'Uman bluddy Rights Commission to probe pay discrimination there and find that nothing illegal went on.

bulletQ: What can a former soldier expect for his CGM, which ex-workmates claim he didn't deserve, and half a dozen assorted campaign medals?
bulletA: £140K to fund his mother's retirement in Spain.

bulletQ: What is a great strategy for not having anything to do with appalling people you'd rather not have anything to do with, such as newshounds, following the meltdown of your Downing Street back office?
bulletA: Going into self-isolation worked for President Boris.

markerHate Crime? They can’t run away from it fast enuff!
bonehead helmet The Little John Proposition is gaining ground everywhere. The Proposition is that the nation's police farces have given up on crime.
   In order to justify their existence, and salaries & perks, the police have reinvented themselves as a KGB/Stasi clone, which concentrates on persecuting the non-criminal population because they are less stroppy, more easily intimidated and more likely to cough up fines for imaginary offences, which are not included in the Statute Books.
   Ain't life grand?

bullet EMIRATES Fit Better

bullet Live on PRIME VIDEO
"Thanks, but I'd rather have food."

bullet BLACK Extinction Lives? Rebellion!

bulletQ: How many fat coppers does it take to close a rogue gym?
bulletA: 30. They all stand in front of the entrance and no one can get in.

markerMega screw-up
marker Surprise! The nation's two wonderful new anti-aircraft carriers are a complete waste of time and money because the wonks @ the Min. of Defence have failed to provide enuff supply tenders to keep them operational and smaller warships to protect them. And also aircraft to go with them.
   About all they are fit for is for parking in a suitable bay on the south coast of England as a storage area for unwanted immigrants.

bulletQ: POTKU?
bulletA: Pits Of The Known Universe. [Pick you own location. Ed.]

marker An MP with cancer was excluded from a Commons live & video debate on cancer on the grounds that she might actually know something know something about it.

marker Crumbs! Some rotter has revealed that President Boris' boss, Carrie Whatshername, couldn't get a job as a deputy leader writer for TheScum earlier in her busy life because she was considered to be too dim for the job.

markerBrilliant WonkWorld Theory
If the Hambling monument, to which she attached Mary Wolstencraft's name after she became conveniently dead and unable to object, is so dreadful that people talk about it a lot, that makes it really good.

marker Five days of controlled unlocko from December 24th to December 28th = 25 days of tighter locko from December 29th to midnight on January 22nd, 2021. And that's just for starters. There are a number of Xperts who would like to see the tighter locko clamped down until next year's Xmas Eve.

markerOUR money is paying their wages
The government account on Twatter is telling us to open windows to let in fresh air. To which we can only respond: "It's bloody November, it's bloody cold outside, all the warmth in our house has leaked out through the open bloody windows and we're all frozen to bloody death. What other bright bloody ideas do you have on offer?"

alertmarker ATTENTION the lady who was bragging about doing a tandem parachute jump at the age of 78:
Wasn't doing it on a bike going over the top rather?

cross symbol You have to wonder what sort of homes they come from if kids who aren't going to school have forgotten how to use a knife & fork and they're back in nappies, and it's all being blamed on locko.

markerApplied cosmetic
A police criminal probe has been launched into the activities of The Post Office's IT Xperts, which led to false accusations of theft, imprisonments and the blighting of the lives of hundreds of postmasters @ sub-post offices.
   No arrests, no prosecutions and no compensation for victims is the expected outcome.

markermarkerAustria expects its mass testing plan to end the plague locko there in time for Xmas. Italy, meanwhile, has gone for colours rather than digits for its tiers. There are red, orange and yellow zones. Significantly, the government didn't think green would be needed.

reader comment“The next VPOTUS doesn't look particularly of colour. Could she be out of the same box as the of white US academic, who managed to identify as of colour for 15 years before she was rumbled?” Gatek Eeper
[A view which will make you v. popular with about 50% of the US population. Not. Ed.]

markerPutting the ‘total’ into totalitarian?
The French government has come up with a security bill, which will make collecting video evidence of police officers who are behaving badly (or criminally) into a criminal offence if it allows the officers to be identified.
   Most of the videos which caused the most upset were filmed during Yellow Vest Pest demonstrations when the police decided that they had the right to clobber the hell out of people who were making a nuisance of themselves.
reader comment“Shame our police don't think the same about Xtinction wonks.” C.D.

marker The highest numbers of plague infections in Switzerland are all in French-speaking areas—generally four times higher than in German-speaking cantons.

markerA rest or a punishment?
The evicted Downing Street staffers are reported to be on gardening leave for a month or so. Even though gardening in November is not something that is too attractive when the weather is cold and wet. Any offers for alternatives?
reader comment“Box-setting leave?” A.A. Gore-Blimey

marker Sweden has banned public events of more than 8 people. But will 4-a-side football catch on?

markerGovt. by GF News
Appointments of Downing Street staffers are now made on the basis of what won't sent Her Carrieship cooking frackers.
bullet A good way to set off Her Carrieship is to create some fake news about the Downing Street Dog, a.k.a. DOTPMG** in the style of the president-elect of the United States' dog being known as the DOTUS..
[** Dog Of The Prime Minister's Girlfriend. Ed.]
bullet The next target for the Carrie Crew is heavily rumoured to be the teenage Chancellor because he refuses to let them meddle in Treasury business.

bulletQ: Why did P-E Joke Bidet phone President Boris first among Europeon leaders?
bulletA: Conventional wisdom is that he wanted to get the enemy out of the way before he got chummy with friends.

Kreepy pantsFar Queue symbol Sir Kreepy Steamer is refusing to admit O.J. Corbynstein to his Masochism Parlour for a good whipping following O.J.'s reinstatement as a member of the Labour party. O.J. is not allowed to be a Labour MP and has to sit in the area for odds & sods when he bothers to go to the House of Commons.

bullet + + + President Boris' Green Bollocks Programme gets good kicking + + + Motorists, in particular, not impressed by it + + +

bonehead Panic mongers in the United States have confected a fake news item about President Trump starting a nuclear war with Iran while he still has the chance to prevent Joke Bidet from helping Iran with its nuclear ambitions.

bonehead If you want Xmas, the Xperts are telling us, locko will have to last until Xmas Eve and it will be clamped down even harder on December 28th.
   So anyone hoping to do some Hogmanizing to bring in the new year will be out of luck.
reader comment“No doubt Wee Burney Sturgeon will go cooking frackers in all directions about that!” R.T.B.

markerTake your pick
Smoking helps people to resist the Chinese plague, Xperts reckon. Smoking helps people to get the Chinese plague, Xperts reckon.

Far Queue symbol Around 70% of the plague rule violation fines remain unpaid. The government is reported to be considering making them 4x greater in the hope of turning a profit.

markerWhat is the weirdest thing the Xperts reckon they can do?
Hacking a robot vacuum cleaner with no built-in microphone to eavesdrop on conversations around it has to be right up there. The trick is to extract speech from reflections of the laser ranging system used to help the cleaner to avoid obstacles.

bullet The Swiss government has decided to raise some cash by letting the police slap a fine on anyone who isn't wearing a plague mask.

markerPlague inflicted crisis
Berlin is on the verge of declaring a water shortage because the police are using so much of it to drown protesters moaning about plague regulations. The city will be in real trouble if the Mherkel government follows the French lead and makes vaccination against the plague compulsory.

 WEEK 4      

markerA far from rosy future on wheels
marker President Boris' Green Garbage will create a £40 BILLION Brown Hole in the tax budget due to his plan to electrify motoring.
   Taxes raised from motorists will have to shoot up and the worry for the Treasury is that as the number of people able to afford a ruinously expensive car dwindles, the road repair budget will collapse, as will roads from neglect, and the motoring lobby will be after the blood of both Boris; or his successor; and other members of the Cabinet.

reader comment“Why should D.J. Trump provide all the evidence to go with his declaration of voting fraud? He's the President of the Free World, for Ghod's sake! Investigations is supposed to be the job of the Federal Bureau of Instigation.” Sooger Spiel

bullet The Spanish government's attempts to do something about fake news have triggered showers of complaints from the news meeja and "freedom of speech no matter how BS" campaigners.

cross symbol Buy stuff on Mr. Internet and you have a 50% chance of a problem with the delivery. The firms responsible are working hard to raise that number even higher.

markersanded ostrichOstrichism rulz
If you think TV is crap these days and you'd rather watch repeats of Inspector Morse and the various Star Treks, blame the wonkist & cancel cults. The BBC and Channel 4 are terrified of them and dare not put out programmes which are funny or a little intellectually challenging for fear of being trolled by cultists.

bulletQ: Why would people go to a vegan 'butcher' to buy veggie imitations of meat products which don't cook like the meat products they're supposed to copy?
bulletA: Because there are lots of masochistic wonks with lotz of cash around.

Wonky number proliferation
Died with the plague and died of the plague is such a grey area that one set of bean-counters reckons that 10,000 more people 'could have' died of the plague in care homes than previously thought.
    Which brings the 'could have' death toll from the plague to 60,000. No doubt a bit more invention will get it to the magic 100,000 in due course.

alertmarkerTerminology Explained
"I created it using my own intellectual creativity" means that the person concerned had help from others in drafting a document before writing out a fair copy of the final assisted draft by hand. Which smears out any copyright issues relating to the whole document.

cross symbol Britain's roads will still be dominated by petrol & diesel powered vehicles after 2030 because local councils do not have a budget for creating charging points for electric vehicles. And non-motorists are not keen to pay for them via increased Council Tax.
reader comment“It would take about 3 days to drive from Romiley to the south coast of England, or southern Scotland, given the number of 7½ hour charging periods needed for an electric car of limited range. As opposed to just a few minutes for filling the tank of a petrol or diesel car with a much greater range. Who's going to want to be saddled with that?” R.W.
reader comment“Which brings us back to the question of where all the electricity comes from. And building electric cars is far from green; positively dirty compared with proper cars; extremely very more expensive and polluting.” C.R.

Confected Fugug
reader comment“President Boris, if you look at what he actually said about devolution, took a pop at the SNP for bogging it up. Removing that part of the content is just rank dishonesty. Surprise!
   “In fact, it's as dishonest as quoting the statement 'I do not support a death penalty' with the 'not' removed.” A.L.

markerMakeover required
The BLAME Bunch are going to have to think up a new label as the one they have has been labelled as useless for describing ethnic minorities as it lumps together too many groups of people with little in common. Its use makes as much sense as dividing life on Earth into just two categories—1. fish & 2. everything else.

markerNot just one
Plymouth city council is in trouble for ray-cism! Which is what renaming a square celebrating a 16th century merchant and benefactor who did some slave-trading in favour of a footballer amounts to. 'Coz the footballer's qualification is being of African heritage.

marker Drug dealers are to be required to put strength ratings on their products so that pot-heads can observe official weekly guidelines similar to those issued for alcohol consumption

tick symbol The last batch of 24,000 mines & shells abandoned on the Falkland Islands by the Argies when they were evicted in 1982 has been exploded. The islanders can now visit their beaches safely again. Whether they remember what to do on them remains to be seen.

markerMaybe they are hoping he will make a film of the trial
An Islamist terrorist tried to crash an Amsterdam to Paris express train and kill everyone aboard in 2015. Four Americans, two of them service personnel, neutralized him. Clint Eastwood made a film about it.
   Five years on, the French have finally got round to putting the terrorist and 3 accomplices on trial and they have actually been debating whether Mr. Eastwood, 90, who wasn't on the train, needs to give evidence @ the trial. The mind boggles.

cross symbolmarker Marriage is on course to become Xtinct before new cars have to be electric, figures on divorce rates from the Office of National Sadistics suggest. Natch, locko is getting the blame.

marker What the National Audit Office should be asking is whether the firms that got PPE supply contracts when the plague outbreak began delivered quality and value for money. If they did, who the bosses knew in and around the government becomes irrelevant. And moaning about it becomes confection.

markerNew rulz of engagement
Future wars will have to be waged in space, military leaders on all sides are concluding, because the Chinese plague is making conflict between soldiers on The Planet too costly and too messy.

Far Queue symbol The proper description for a vegan 'butcher' who offers veggie fakes of meat products, according to D.S. of Doncaster, has to be 'greengrocer'.
[Anything else invites a visit by Trading Standards? Ed.]

markerUnreliable source
"Christmas is back on", sez Public Health England, the dodgy quango which is about to be demolished and replaced by something equally dodgy. What if the demolition takes place before Xmas, though? Is that the guarantee gone for a Burton, too?

reader comment“That's a rather strange choice for the person in charge of the Bashir inquiry @ the BBC. The sometime Master of the Rolls. What does a former chauffeur of a posh car know about it?” D.L.
reader comment“How do you know he was the driver? He might have been the head mechanic, and car mechanics reckon they know everything about everything.” O.J.
reader comment“It's probably one of the few times when the 'gate' tag is justified as the BBC's coverup of Bashirgate, like the Nixon cover up of the Watergate hotel burglary, is the main story now.” N.R.
reader comment“I hope Lord Dyson isn't going to be neglecting his vacuum cleaner manufacturing business.” E.M.

bulletQ: Is BashedEar now the Prince Andrew of the BBC?
bulletA: Not really. He seems to have been the instigator rather than just an onlooker. But maybe the embarrassment factors for those around him are equivalent.
reader comment“Those around BashedEar who weren't involved in the fun & games? Because the ones that were up to their necks in it seem totally shameless.” E.F.

spraymarkerIrresistible force
You can live with climate change. You can adapt to it. You can also ignore it. You can even enjoy it. But beware of anyone who tells you they're fighting it, tackling it or even able to control it. Because that person is either a fraudster or a dangerous lunatic.

bulletQ: "It would be inappropriate to comment further" Translation?
bulletA: "We have a lot to hide, stop asking awkward questions"

markerVW Mk II
Motor manufacturer Mercedes is in a major arse-kicking contest with the ambulance chasing tendency over claims arising from owners of diesel engine vehicles which had software designed to cheat on emissions readings during official tests.

bullet Oh, wonderful. We're in for the coldest winter for about 20 years, the Xperts reckon.

bullet The Daily Mail has the hump because the government has dared to use Twatter to publish counterblasts to its alarmism over the plague.
reader comment“Maybe someone should remind the Mail there's nothing new about chumocracy. It was institutional, if not compulsory, under New Labour.” G.B.
reader comment“Is it newsworthy that someone who used to know Princess Di puts his bins out while wearing a T-shirt & tracksuit bottoms? The Mail seems to think so.” D.D.

bullet The 400th anniversary of the arrival of the good ship Mayflower @ what is now Plymouth, Mass., with its cargo of rejected (by us) Puritan Pilgrims, has been ignored in the Untied States because its history is now has to be all about slavery, Thanksgiving to be cancelled next?

cross symbol Isolated ex-president Boris has abandoned written communications with his minions in favour of electronic messages. Which lets real President Cooking Carrie do the policy-making job for him. The only problem with that is her writing style is organized and totally unlike the scrappy, disorganized Boris draft style. And she's been rumbled.

bulletQ: How do towns in Wales make a fast buck?
bulletA: Declare a street 'disabled parking only' overnight and without notice, and slap parking tickets on everything parked there the next day.

Knee of GraceEx-royal discretion
Prince Hairy felt obliged to frogmarch his stuff out of Frogmore Cottage in the dead of a black night; after repaying the taxpayer for the refurb; to avoid being frogfangled by the hounds of Her Majesty's Press.

That's the amount of OUR money blown & snaffled by public sector mandarins in the last accounting year, according to the Taxpayers' Alliance.

markerIt just had to happen
Some wonk scribbling sums on the back of an envelope has concluded that gorbal warming is caused by people sending zillions of pointless emails and text messages.
reader comment“Leaving lights on to avoid sleeping in the dark is also reputed to be slaying the planet.” F.B.

bulletGood News: Mistletoe will not be banned during the Festering Season.
bulletLess Good News: There will be a 2-metre Xclusion zone around every sprig of mistletoe. Marshals will be standing by to issue a £70 fixed penalty ticket to anyone who violates the zone.

tick symbol Speculation Corner: O.J. Corbynstein could be reinstated as a Labour MP within 3 months and restored to the party leadership within 6 months.

bulletQ: Do we want to read I-rak O'bama's Big Book of Alibis?
bulletA: Nope.

Far Queue symbol The Unite union's sneers at the Chancellor's pay curbs for the non-NHS public sector have been described as an insult to the taxpaying public.

markerThe fine for not wearing a plague mask has been capped @ 300 francs in Switzerland. But there is a catch. If the fine is not paid within 30 days, a public prosecutor will start slapping legal fees on top of the fine and push it into the thousands.

bulletQ: Why is it called propaganda?
bulletA: If you take a proper gander @ what they're NOT telling you, you realize what absolute garbage what they ARE telling you is.

markerDespite the plague, archaeologists are still digging up human relics from the eruption of Mount Vesuvius, which wiped out Pompeii and Herculaneum and a lot of the people living there in 79 AD.

markerBoris Bollocks
Our warships are going to be kitted out with 'inexhaustible' laser weapons in the golden future and the phrase 'out of ammo' will become obsolete.
   Small but vital point—where will all the power to light up the lasers come from? What is their 'inexhaustible' power source? Magic Money Tree territory, folks.
reader comment“Thinking militarily; have the customers in Scotland realized that independence from the UK will lead to the scrapping of their iconic Black Watch regiment? Because an economy bungled by the SNP, with no sub from English taxpayers, won't be able to afford it.” R.T.B.
reader comment“The Black Watch is doomed anyway if Sir Kreepy gets his Pantz of Kontrol into Downing Street. He'll spend the defence budget on green bollocks and sell all our military hardware to tinpot lefty dictators.” K.H.

markerIn France, going to smash someone's face in will win you a fine for breaking locko regulations. Especially if you are daft enough to put that on the form, which has to be submitted online as an excuse for being out of your residence.

markerHuman statues?
Drink 3 cups of tea or coffee per day in takeaway plastic cups and you could turn into an immobile plastic lump when enough of the micron-size & below fragments of plastic become embedded in your tissues.
[Something else that could happen is a gigantic space rock splitting The Planet in two, so who's bothered about a few bitz of sub-microscopic plastic? Ed.]
writer comment“Or Sir Kreepy could be a robot nuclear weapon planted on The Planet by aliens and set to Xplode on New Year's day to wipe out the British Isles and save us from the plague.” M.K.
reader comment“And make Brexit irrelevant?” R.W.

markerDanish mink farmers are staging Yellow Vest Pest style demos by the hundred in their biggest tractors in protest against the Xtinction of their businesses. The Danish PM has admitted that there is no legal basis for ordering the mass cull to prevent the spread of a new variant of the Chinese plague. Even so, the cull remains non-negotiable.
reader comment“What we're now asking ourselves is why, oh why, do mink ranchers need a huge tractor? Maybe it's some sort of status thing.” S.L.

bullet "I wear face coverings to be smug about it."
[sponsored by H.M. Government]

Far Queue symbol The compare the market meerkat company has been fined £18 MILLION for distorting the market in its favour.

marker Bam Dracula's Stoker—what's that? A vampire porn film set in the bowels of a coal-fired steamer?

reader comment“You can't have a Black Friday 'coz it sounds like something to do with slavery.” O.J.
reader comment“You can't have any other sort of Friday than a Black one because everything has to be about slavery now.” M.J.
[Ain't life confusing these days? Ed.]
reader comment“Of course, they could make it Buy-Buy Friday, which is what it is in practice, and eliminate the black problem entirely. But that's probably too sensible.” A.T.

markerrWWW—Working for a Warmer World
A really well kept secret is that what most people who claim they're reducing their carbon footprint don't realize is that the fancy gadgets and dodges bought from spivs actually increase the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere via their manufacture & implementation.
   But WWW members are not bothered. Warmer is better, they cry!

bullet Caffe sin fancy dan, per favore!

marker China is turning its plague epicentre in Wuhan into the equivalent of Barnard Castle for tourists. Notoriety Rulz, OK!

boneheadNot safe in the real world
Assuming that a TV drama has any connection with reality if characters have the same name as members of the Royal family & top politicians could soon be made grounds for protective self-isolation under the Mental Health Act.

Kreepy pantstick symbol O.J. Corbynstein's allies are contemplating a Labour leadership challenge if Sir Kreepy doesn't retreat into his box and let their hero be lashed back to the Labour benches in the Commons. Should make life a bit interesting for Sir Kreepy and lengthen his normally gloomy face even more.

markerIt’s only taxpayers’ money
The British Library is trawling through the family history of British writers who made a name for themself, e.g. the late poet laureate Ted Hughes, to uncover ancestors who had something to do with the slave trade—no matter how distant the ancestor and how tenuous the connection.
   This is in connection with the current wonk campaign to make everything about slavery.
update The British Library has received a good kicking for its attempts to sleaze the good name of Mr. Hughes with its confections.

bulletQ: Will sending a bloke with an IQ of 58 to gaol teach him not to send emails to politicians threatening to kill them?
bulletA: Not unless it's a whole life sentence and he's not allowed to have the internet in his cell.

markerbullet The nasty bastard green electric car gobblers are killing 11-year-old child cobalt miners in the Congo. But hey! Their sacrifice is for The Planet.

bulletQ: Are we surprised that climbers and the wind are depositing amazingly tiny microplastic particles on Mount Everest?
bulletA: If it's everywhere else, nope.

Far Queue symbol Hijackers are getting the blame for The Pope's apparent appreciation of an internet picture of a female Brazilian show-off's bum. Either that or a thumb-fingered minion doing The Pope's social messaging dunnit.

Extensive research has shown that residents of homes with a conservatory are least likely to contract the Chinese plague.
Romiley Conservatory Centre has a full range of sizes & styles @ 18 Riverside Drive.

bulletQ: What is the biggest current regulatory daftness?
bulletA: The plan to make pubs & eateries stop serving alcohol @ 10 p.m. but let customers remain on the premises until 11 p.m. to polish off the rounds which they were smart enough to obtain before the cut-off.

markerProtect yourself from Parking Tickets
Invest in our Kwick-Start Chainsaw
Romiley Appliances, 22c Riverside Drive

markerDaily Mail 1, Dept. of Health 0
The war on Twatter over dishonest plague statistics and guesses has become a rout for the nation's fave daily newspaper with Dept. of Health wonks forced to delete complaints containing no counter evidence and admit they were just whinges.
bullet A government mouthpiece is reported to have explained: "The projections from the DoH were based on what could have happened and did not necessarily have any actual connection with the real world."

marker Denmark is having to put up with a plague of zombie mink as exterminated and buried animals rot underground and decomposition gases explode, sending the carcases flying back in to the upper world!

markerDifferent story, same object
Here in Britain, we get fake phone calls from scammers pretending to be BT, Amazon, etc. In Denmark, the current fashion is for the scammer to pretend to be a cop engaged in investigating suspicious transactions and requiring the mug's bank account details. The calls appear to originate from a genuine number for the Central and West Zealand police as an added convincer.

marker Who exactly is dead? Football cheat Maradona or Peter Pan popster Madonna? Depends which country's headlines you read.

The Chinese plague economic slump and its aftermath are expected to be on course to eclipse the Brown Slump of 2008 and its aftermath, the teenage Chancellor has warned.
   The entire Labour party is up in arms at this threat to the place in the record books of their best ever attempt to destroy the British economy.
[We do not have a comment to offer from the architect of the Brown Slump as we do not have G.F. Broon's phone number. Ed.]

marker September 26th next year is Bullet Day for Kanzler Angular Mherkel of Germany. There will be a general election then to pick a successor and she'll be off into the sunset to her retirement home.

marker In London, motorists and wonk councils which are trying to turn roads into cycle-only affairs are in a state of war. As fast as traffic cameras and bike-friendly but vehicle unfriendly road blocks are put in place, gangs of disgruntled motorists are cancelling them in the dead of night.

markerHear those creepy plague-carriers sneaking up on you!
Get your FREE hearing consultation today!
Romiley Audio, 16a Riverside Drive

Sleepy Joemarker Ex-President O'Bummer is currently making such a nuisance of himself with his constant bids for attention that incoming US President Joke Bidet is having to declare that his brief reign will not become a 3rd, and illegal, O'Bummer term.
reader comment“Sleepy Joe can screw things up his own way, thank you very much, seems to be the new guy's message.” W.C.
reader comment“He also seems to be planning to send troops to Ireland if the government of the Irish Republic puts guard posts on the border with Northern Ireland post Brexit and restricts the free flow of IRA terrorists and their smuggling operations.” G.M.

markerHall of Shame
What will President Boris be known as when he shuffles off stage-left to his ultimate reward? The Moron of Malinvestment is the current fave, based on his passion for H2S, Green Bollocks and other 'waste as much cash as possible' projects.
reader comment“Everyone runs for cover when Boris claims something else is 'world-beating'. If D.J. Trump doesn't have anything better to do at the moment, maybe he'd volunteer to be our president.” D.P.

bonehead People who fulminate have gone bang @ ISIRTA star J. Cleese revealing that he identifies as a Cambodian police woman.
   How remarkable that a tendency toward fulmination Xcludes the possibility of a sense of humour.

marker The Archbish of Cantab is taking a three-month holiday next year in an attempt to gain contact with reality.

marker Stay warm & plague-free with BRITISH-sourced kiln-dried logs
The perfect RESPONSIBLE heating solution
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bullet + + + President Boris seeks Black Tribe vote with a K for Louie-Sam Milton + + +

reader comment“D. Maradona made football better like the Chinese plague made life better everywhere in the world.” C.B.
reader comment“What a wonderful legacy Argentina's national hero leaves. If you cheat blatantly enough, you'll be allowed to get away with it. And even if you become a coke-head wreck, you'll remain a hero in the eyes of evil South Americans and Britain's enemies, such as M. MacRon, the current president of France. Feontastimastic!” A.R.

 WEEK 5      

markerTiers of Rage & other tired clichés
No matter what the government announced for the period between the end of the current locko and Xmas, there were always going to be loud howls of confected anguish from everywhere that wasn't in Tier 1. The plague seems to have pushed the National Whinge Button big time.
   It's also a great time to be a Tory rebel. They can yell their heads off and vote against the government over the plague tier their constituency has been stuck with, knowing that Sir Kreepy & Labour have just the choice of Backing Boris when it comes to a vote if their alternative is to lose all credibility.

Far Queue symbol The Spanish-owned airline British Airways has upset Captain Underpants by favouring the England rugby team over his Welsh side.

marker The nation's teenage Chancellor is refusing to say how he'll fill in the enormous Brown Hole, which he and ex-President Boris have dug in the British economy. Maybe he's hoping that President de facto Cooking Carrie will come up with some ideas.
reader comment“One thing is for certain, he can't expect a wealth-creating private sector at a standstill further to advantage the public sector. In fact, if he doesn't do some trimming there, he will be history.” G.B.

alertmarkerAttention all those who are worried about being force-fed halogenated chicken by an evil regime
Go on a green Mediterranean diet and eat nuts & beenz instead of animal protein.
   Not only will you be able to thwart the evil & oppressive regime, you will also live forever, some Xperts reckon.
reader comment“Shame about all the broken brittle bones, though.” R.W.

marker Just a few days ago, we were being told that the Oxford plague vaccine would make locko a thing of the past and restore life to what passes for normal. How very quickly the puff & optimism faded!

markermarkerYou can tell he has a book to plug
We are told by a writer that the Tories will pay a heavy electoral price if they don't stop BILLIONs of pounds of taxpayers' cash from being wasted by government departments. Which assumes there is a better alternative which will tackle the abuses, which is total bollocks.
   Labour won't stop it. In fact. another Labour government will encourage even more of it to buy friends among the ranks of the nation's enemies. Because that's what sort of people they are.

marker Christmas Trees! Christmas Trees!
An excellent background for that Festering Season video session with distant loved ones
Romiley Wonderful Wood, 43 Riverside Drive

burglarmarker Our most recent silent call came from 01273 655 251—burglars looking for somewhere unoccupied to do over?

bulletQ: Will former French president N. Sarcozy play the ill-heath card again if convicted of corruption and sentenced to a fine of a million quid plus 10 years in gaol?
bulletA: Probably. It worked last time, 10 years ago.

Far Queue symbol Vegans are not healthier than carnivores, the Xperts reckon. In fact, the reverse can be true so they will die out first.

bulletQ: Does foreign aid really help Africa, as Dave the ex-Leader and those trying to buy friends there would have us believe?
bulletA: Nope. It just encourages corrupt regimes to steal more, knowing foreign mugs will bail them out.

markerFar Queue symbol + + + Politicians of all brands get good kicking for cherry-picking data shamelessly + + + Selection used to puff politicians not inform public + + + Boffins deserve equivalent kicking for going along meekly with blatant lockdown fakery + + + But nothing will ever be done about it + + +

markerBrain Booster
The latest from the foodie Xperts is advice to drink something with a high flavanol content before tackling a complicated task. Drinks made from apples & blackberries, cocoa, green tea and red wines all qualify. Although, too good a go at the red wine can undo the flavanol effect.

markerNot news
Why is it that the BBC expects us to be impressed by edges? Everyone knows that county borders go through villages, sometimes cutting them in half and putting the two sides of the main street in different counties or doing it to the two ends of the main street.
   As a result, if there are tiers, there are always going to be adjacent premises in different ones. And the BBC expecting us to be amazed when they point it out in an alleged news programme just won't wash.

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marker If you are planning to go anywhere by train during the Festering Season, forget it. All railways will be shut down for safely spaced maintenance work.

bulletQ: Is it right for the police to arrest old people who are behaving badly and breaking locko regulations @ a demo?
bulletA: If someone is behaving arrestably, age does not come in to it. Even if an excitable Tory MP is watching and looking for an opportunity to become a Person Who Fulminates.

cross symbol Something the Russians are not telling us is that if the Oxford plague vaccine turns recipients into chimpanzees, as the Russian Dept. of Fake News would have us believe, so will the Splutnik jabs confected in Putinstan 'coz they were built using the same approach.
reader comment“I gather the Russkies also based their vaccine on waste matter of the sort that emerges from the rear end of chimps. Who thinks of these thing??” N.P.

marker Post-Brexit bans on sales of British meat products in the EbloodyU territories will result in Irish & German meat products vanishing from shops & supermarkets here.
reader comment“Big boost for British salami!” Aldo Metalucci.

Far Queue symbol OFFICIAL: The incoming Bidet Team in the Untied States reflects the fact that America is old & tired and has no new ideas. On the Democratic side of the political fence, at least. That's going from the number of recycled O'Bummer blunderers & token women on offer.
reader comment“Invading Britain to put us forcibly back in the EbloodyU under an IRA puppet regime seems to be alarmingly high up on Joke's agenda.” D.K.

alertcross symbolWhen fault becomes falut
Freedom of Information surveys by the Daily Mail have shown that it is not just government departments that are wasting HUGE amounts of taxpayers' money on follies and junkets.
   The same splurge-o-mania tendency applies to the BBC and local councils, especially the Labour controlled ones which scream loudest for more cash to splurge.

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, November MM20 like anyone cares