UK UNTIES FOR FESTERING SEASON 

WEEK 1      “Ye cannie hug yer grannie—or can ye?”

Cutting own throat
The BBC's drive for the Yoof market is shedding grown-up viewers, who are increasingly finding the range of programmes on offer uninteresting. Worse, they think news programmes are no longer impartial and there's too much focus on London. Al Jazeera is becoming a first port of call for a look at what's going on in the world.

Totally Ungruntled
Over two-thirds of current university graduates think life is unfair and the world is out to get them; mostly because they have been turned into lefty wonks with a sense of entitlement as big as all outdoors. Less educated contemporaries tend to have a more pragmatic view of life.

We don't seem to be getting any Xtreme weather and snow in Romiley. Ta for that, Weather Control.

Alarm Call
Environmental confecters are pretending that UK-sourced bugs of the sort normally fed to zoo animals become a Threat to the Health of the Nation if they are used to torture competitors during a TV reality show.

Short-life electronic products from Apple, etc., which are designed to be unrepairable, are causing a landfill crisis.

“How come Lord 'Two Labs' Prescott hasn't come up with a vaccine?” E.R.

Anyone thinking of visiting Scotland today might want to think again. An Icelandic Shiver with temperatures down to -11 deg.C is on offer north of the border, the forecasters reckon.

“Someone needs to remind Mr. Bidet that Brexit is nothing to do with him. Perhaps to the point of sending a task force to his gopher hole to slap him round the back of the head in the manner of Special Agent Gibbs of NCIS.” Perino Marascino
Guess who the joke’s on now
Joke Bidet is a physical as well as a metaphorical lame duck! He broke his foot playing with the DOTUS**. His hound proved to be too robust for a 78-year-old to handle.
[**Dog Of The United States, what the incoming President Of The United States calls his pet, for the sake of anyone who hasn't been paying attention. Ed.]

“We hear all about the plastic explosive C4. There's never anything about C5 or later numbers. Do we assume from that that C4 is the Ultimate Xplosive and it's not worth trying to do better?” G.L.

Actual History
We hear occasional bursts about a return to the Moon in 2024. What needs to be understood is that 'We' didn't go to the Moon 50 or so years ago.
   The US government sent some astronauts there to prove to the world that their space programme was the bee's knees and when it came to the crunch, the Soviet one couldn't deliver.
   And when the US public lost interest, the trips to the Moon ended prematurely so that the money could be wasted on what turned out to be a pointless war in south-east Asia.

Official: Most of the officers & staff of Police Scotland conduct themselves in line with P.S. values for fairness, respect & integrity. And P.S. has more than enough public cash available to pay lawyers to crush complaints about misconduct & bullying by the rotten apples. And also the people making the complaints.

Does President Boris have a secret temperance agenda if he's driving all of the nation's pubs out of business?
[Maybe real president Cookin' Carrie does. Ed.]

Guessperts, wonksperts, ex-experts or double-crossers . . . The search is on for the pejorative and Contra-SAGE Word of the Year 2021 long before 2021 actually starts.
“In fact, the search is for 2022 because the Wonk Tendency has already confected a Word of 2021 and confecting a scenario to work it in to the public consciousness is already in progress.” C.B.

English Enigmas: sell-phrasing [something to do with flour Ed.]

This is not just Festering Season Food.
This is R*O*M*I*L*E*Y Festive Foods + + + Dips
+ + + Snacks + + + Bites + + + Main Courses
+ + + Deserts + + + Indulgences + + +
100% UK-sourced ingredients. Finest English wines &
British liqueurs, 100% plague-resistant real food
Romiley Festive Fare, 51 Riverside Drive

A message from H.M. Government
Everyone has to stay in until the customers stop spreading the plague.

+ + + Tory backbench MPs challenge lack of sense & science in Plague Tier assignments + + + Labour, SNP, Liberals sit on hands + + +

The Mugger’s Legacy Endangered
The Chinese plague slump and its aftermath are expected to be worse than the Brown Slump of 2008 and its faftermath, the teenage Chancellor has warned.
   The entire Labour party is united in uproar at this threat to the place in the record books of their best attempt to destroy the British economy.
[We don't have a trite comment from the architect of the Brown Slump to relay as we don't have Gordon F. Broon's phone number. Ed.]

“What has happened to the normal version updating process? We're practically into 2021 and we're still being fobbed off with Covid 19.” K.J.

OFFICIAL: The Office of Budget Responsibility has admitted that future events may turn its forecasts of a collapse and permanent scarring of the economy into worthless nonsense and there might be no reason to panic after all. Or there might be reason to panic even more.
Translation: The forecasts might, or might not, be bollocks.

This year's Black Friday has been renamed Plague Friday in view of the amount of super spreading perfomed by bargain hunters.

Q: How do Labour and other non-governmental parties avoid getting the blame for supporting a government policy they agree with?
A: Abstaining if they have no constructive alternative does the trick.

Attention All Pensioners: Don't expect a rise in income next April. Stockport council will steal all of it, and probably more, with higher Council Tax.

Nuttier than a coconut
Discarded Chancellor 10-Jobs Georgie Osborne wanted to make the Boy Beckham a lord so he could become the Minister of Sport?
   If that's true, we are indeed well rid of Boy George!

Q: How do you catch an unlicencensed, uninsured teenager on a motorbike that can do 180 mph?
A: Chase him across 3 counties and nail him when he stops for more petrol.

Not us, Gov!
If there are delays in distributing a vaccine for the Chinese plague, the world's governments have a ready-made alibi—a claim that criminal gangs have hijacked supplies of the vital medicine.

“There's never going to be democracy in China as scrutiny and accountability get in the way of the guys in Peking helping themselves to anything that takes their fancy.” O.L.

Q: How long does it take The Complaints in Scotland to investigate the shooting by police officers of a crazed asylum seeker, who stabbed 6 people in a Glasgow hotel?
A: Five months. That's just gathering the evidence; on which the Crown Office is currently sitting.

Double Festering in ’21?
There is a move afoot to postpone this year's Festering Season until after the national vaccination programme is well advanced and have this year's Xmas in July 2021.

The widow of American crisp billionaire J. McCain could become the next US ambassador to the UK.

Let the punishment really fit the crime
The US Justice Department is to vary the nation's protocols on imposing the death penalty and allow each state to choose its own method of writing off bad guys (and gals). We are now waiting to find out if any state will have the guts to sentence terrorists to be run over by 6 steam rollers.

Damn! Coming up with a new slogan is a pain!
Black Tribes Fatter Natter

Surprise! Manufacturing an electric car causes 63% MORE global warming than building a petrol or diesel car. And that's official!
   So they're not going to save The Planet after all.

The Catholic church has felt obliged to order its minions not to become trolls on auntiesocial meeja, such is the poor standard of today's average minion.

Q: We're not having an actual lockdown until Easter, we're having a virtual one. Is that better?
A: Bollocks!
[That appears to the comment on the difference between actual and virtual locko. Ed.]

M.B.E. = Monster Bung Xtravaganza

Q: What's a mitigating circumstance for testing positive for cocaine?
A: Claiming you were contaminated by shagging a woman who's a coke-head. Works for jockeys.

The BBC's consistent anti-Tory bias has left it placed at the bottom of the news broadcasters' impartiality league.

The devolved Welsh government is wasting millions of pounds on confecting links between buildings, street names, people & monuments, and the centuries old slave trade—no matter how tenuous.
Taffy was a Welshman . . . then the rhyme gets unfortunate
There could also be a campaign in the offing to make G. Floyd the country's patron saint, which will do wonders for the national image.

The anti-Semmitism agitators have given up on the Labour party. They have now turned their attention to what they think will be the easier target of Amazon's talking tin can.

Someone’s crystal ball gone wonky?
The excuse for not holding the Oxo-Cam Boat Race on the river Thames in 2021 is that the crumbling Hammersmith Bridge might-possibly-may choose the moment when the university boats are going under it to collapse onto the contestants. Pathetic, or what!

The Foreign Sec., D. Raab, has confirmed that the UK will continue to pay for the Chinese space programme as long as the Chinese pretend that the overseas aid from British taxpayers is going on global warming swindles. The same applies to the Indian space programme.
   Mr. Raab was unable to offer a convincing explanation of why Britain (broke) is sending cash to China, the country which sent us the plague that made us broke.

Q: If the F1 drivers' championship were still up for grabs and he had a shot at it, would Louie-Sam Milton have the plague?
A: Joke.
“Can't say I'd fancy taking the chance of becoming an on-track barbeque @ Bahrain this coming weekend!” A.P.

Weight is for chucking around, right?
There is no scientific reason, the Xperts say, for banning Xmas trees & their baubles, Xmas decorations and Xmas cards as they are not likely to be plague infection hazards. But the Boris Bah-Humbug Bastards would like them banned anyway.

The Iranian regime is still hanging fire on retaliating for the murder of its leading nuclear scientist. Israel, natch, is the prime suspect. Although, the Democraps in the US are pointing fingers in the general direction of the White House.

+ + + Prince Hairy goes nutz + + + Confined to Raindrop Suite @ local bug hutch until regains contact with reality? + + +
“How curious that he's unable to grasp the concept that raindrops which 'relieve the parched ground' also cause devastating floods & mud slides.” D.A.
“Maybe what he's really saying is that just as raindrops don't care where they land and don't give a monkey's for climate change, we should be the same and say yah, boo, sucks to global warming fraudsters.” P.C.

Rampant data abuse
Local councils are harvesting vast amounts of data about their residents by sticking the plague badge on the process. They are doing it to be able to predict who is likely to ignore plague regulations for one reason or another; not that they will admit it.
   Civil liberties Xperts fear that police forces will soon demand access to the processed data to make generating income from fines cheaper and easier.
   The councils are claiming that they are using the data to predict who will need support. This alibi is being met with universal scepticism.

Official: The current Plague Tier system was confected by idiots.

Official: Anyone who is furious because TV perfume adverts featuring J. Depp are still being shown is a person of no account.
Something else that generates fury (allegedly) is a retailer selling frocks for 8p as a Plague Friday gimmick.
“All this fury must be the visible manifestation of this mental 'elf crisis we've been hearing so much about. It certainly doesn't take much to send the elves mental!” R.W.

The first sleet & slush of winter landed on Romiley yesterday. How bloody wonderful of Weather Control to think of us.

80% of pubs could be doomed to permanent closure thanks to the bungling of the Boris Bah-Humbug Bastards.

“What we really need right now is a fundemic rather than a pandemic, but knowing out luck, we'll get the 'demic' rather than the 'fun'.” D.L.

The BBC is cutting costs by firing as many as possible of its male presenters as the fallout is less than that associated with terminating females. No one cares about the blokes, especially if they're getting on a bit.
“Can't wait for them to get to gary bloody lineker.” K.W.

Chunky Chicken & Covid Soup???
“If chicken soup is the ultimate cure for all ills, maybe they should find some way of passing on a dose of the plague vaccine in a bowl of nutritious chicken soup.” D.M.
“What about Chilli con Covid? Viruses don't like high temperatures, we are told. Sounds like a shot of vaccine in a bowl of red-hot chilli would be a great way of getting ahead of the game!” P.L.

Oh, dear! What used to be one of the top people's schools, Eaton College, stands accused of descending into the clutches of wonk culture and cancellism and suppression of uncomfortable thought. Is nowhere safe?
[Probably not. Ed.]
“The head of Eatn' turns into a fairy cake? Looks like the future's top people are going to be rather inferior.” F.M.

Cabinet Office Minister M. Gove has been placed alongside President Boris in the Looney Bin section especially for those confecting panic based on dodgy data. Or no data at all.
   Both have the lawyerly capacity to come up with a façade of legitimacy for the indefensible and they should get on okay in their adjacent bins in the straightjacket section of their confinement unit.

All gone
10,000 turkeys were terminated in North Yorkshire after an outbreak of avian flu 'as a precaution'. Rumours persist that SAGE has not abandoned this solution for eliminating persistent pockets of the Chinese plague in the 'uman population.

Police in Argentina are busting guts to turn the death of cheating footballer D. Maradona into a case of medical homicide in the name of boosterism for the national image.
“Maradona's doctor has revealed that he can spot a scrapegoating attempt as well as the next man.” G.A.

Massenmord: a major task
The Iranians are still counting the number of assassins sent to do in their foremost nuclear technology Xpert. It is known that the kill krew numbered 12. At least 50 further support staff had been spotted at the last released count. The retaliation agenda will not be finalized, sources claim, until the situation has been scoped fully.

Saying 'handbags @ dawn' during a football commentary on the Bollockbrain Broadchasing Company is now grounds for cancellation for unwonkness.

“Given that the plague has been with us for a good 9 months, one does get the impression that all the companies which have no one to answer phones or correspondence don't give a rat's arse for consumer service and they don't care who knows it. Because they've had more than enough time to get organized and adjust to the new business conditions.” A.L.M.

“George Orwell's concept of doublethink seems to be the new normal. We've been bombarded with Xmas offers and messages urging us to get ready for the Festering Season for a month already. But we're not supposed to be having Xmas, according to the Boris Bah-Humbug Buggers.
   “Something else; people were putting out their christmas lights on their houses @ the start of last month's lockdown. Are we supposed to believe that the lights were a celebration of locko in November and a celebration of the end of it in December? Nothing makes sense any more.” L.G.R.

The BBC's Panorama remains as shameless as ever with its confecting. There's an episode promoting wild weather due to the not-so-great global warming fraud and celebrating victimhood next week.

Ye of little faith with a lot of justification
Cynics are saying that the decision to colourize the black & white film footage of England's 1966 World Cup victory over the Jairmans will offer fans their only chance of seeing their team triumph in living (computer-applied) colour.
   Before the Scots start scoffing; and they will; let us not forget that they've never been in the final.
“Something Wee Burney is sure to blame on their lack of independence.” R.W.

No Escape or Brother Bill Sees All
Mycrosoft has applied for a patent for a surveillance system for meetings, which will monitor speech, facial expresssions & body language of the participants with multiple cameras to check that they are paying attention and matching their contribution scores from previous meetings.

Q: How do you get away with stealing thousands of pounds from your employer to fund a coke habit?
A: Have a baby and wave it at the judge as a get-out-of-gaol card.

Today's Question: Who set fire to Burntisland in the Kingdom of Fife?
“Was it Gordon F. Broon, by any chance? As part of his slash & burn policy for the economy?” Plastiq Boudet

“The word of the year for 2020 should be 'clarity' with lack of it understood.” G.M.

The Devon & Cornwall police have established border patrols to prevent Devon residents from sneaking in to Tier 1 Cornwall for a crafty pint.

The government expects its subsidy cuts to end cattle & sheep ranching in the UK by 2025. In the glorious future, all farms will be turned into carbon dioxide-capturing peat bogs under the new Boris Green Bollocks Agenda.
As you read this, government boffins are working hard to create processes for turning peat into substitutes for milk, cheese and other dairy products.

“Anyone who insists that a green salad must be served with a Cornish pasty should be nailed down and run over with 6 steam rollers.” Tuchi Feely

The Unite union is staging strikes @ Heathrow airport in the run up to Xmas as its Miserable Bugger contribution to the Festering Season. Thanks for that, we're sure The Planet appreciates it.

“If you're an FBI Special Agent, does that mean you have special needs?” E.H.
“Like—a need to be thought you're more important than you really are?” D.B.

Q: What do you get if you drive from John 'O Groats to Land's End @ an average speed of 89 mph?
A: Away with it if you can convince a court that it was just a silly story.
“Are the police & CPS now going to be hauled in to court for confecting a case based on zero actual evidence?” T.U.
[One guess. Ed.]

Popular Wisdom
If the government imposes stoopid rules, that constitutes a licence for everyone else to ignore all rules, including the sensible ones.

Poor old Boris. He's really lost it with his 'global leader in global warming frauds' agenda.
Poor old Boris. He's really lost it if he thinks a one-off payment of £1,000 to a pub as compensation for having to close for December is anything other than a bad joke. That's compared to an average loss of £47K.

Par for the course . . .
English taxpayers will be handing a £500 Xmas bonus to everyone working for the NHS in Scotland.
   Will these generous people be applauded for their largesse? Not with Wee Burney pretending it's coming out of her personal purse.
First class stamps are going up by 9p to 85p a pop on 2021/01/01. Time to raid the stamp collection for any unfranked ones?

BBC news readers have the hump big time because plague regulations mean that they have to apply their own TV make-up and they're crap at it.
   That's why they look like Muppets.

Just about one-quarter of the pubs in England have reopened following the end of Locko #2. The rest have concluded that the Boris Bah-Humbug Rules don't make being open worth the effort.

If President Boris jumps through the idiot hoop and has a shot of the plague vaccine live on TV for the wonderment of the nation, how can anyone be sure he actually gets the vaccine and not a cosmetic syringe of distilled water?
“Same with that other stunt pilot, Wee Burney” W.W.

The Lords are set to pass an amendment banning trade with China for 'uman rights abuse. Not that the government will take any notice of this empty gesture.

If you want an Xmas skiing holiday, Switzerland is open. Just don't forget that the police can issue an on-the-spot fine if they catch you not wearing a mask.
   What happens in Italy over the Festering Period is being left to the consciences of its customers by the government there.

Bureaucrazy Baffles Brains
Buckets of sour grapes from the EbloodyU because their regulation process is all abour security of employment for burrocrats and takes a lot longer than the process for approving a vaccine for use in the UK.
Even worse for the Europeons, they have to wait for every foot to be dragged before they act as no country can opt to lead the rest, e.g. Germany, even if it is a lot better organized than that rest.

The USA & France are in competition to find the first case of the plague in 2019. That's the plague the Chinese were saying didn't exist back then. The UK is at least 2 months behind them.

Flatline
Next year's O- and A-Level exams are to be downgraded to dead easy to make up for 'unprecedented disruption' to learning. The good news is that grade inflation will no longer be an issue because the grades will be worthless in comparison to those from previous years.

WEEK 2      If you can't be any good, be lucky

 
Despite Sir Kreepy, Labour is still
the party of the criminal
If you notice an upsurge in Jamaican killers and thieves lurking about, it's due to Labour MPs and lefty luvvies paying to prevent their deportation on spurious 'uman bluddy rights grounds.

Mindless oppression
Q: What happens when the Metropolitan Police recover a pet stolen from you by dog thieves?
A: The Met parks the animal in its kennels and refuses to let you have it back. Presumably, because they can.

Yesterday's scam "BT is going to disconnect your phone & internet" call came from 01494 268 146.

Now is a good time to have face fillers, a lip job and/or a nose job, the Wonk Trendsetting Xperts reckon. Because if you're wearing a mask, no one can see what has been done while the swelling is going down.
“As long as you insist on wearing a mask and black shades when making a video call.” G.P., pronouns: scribble & belgush

Selective scenario
The Warmists are yelling about an increase in deaths of old people in heat waves. Curiously, if the world really is getting warmer, there is nothing about a reduction in deaths due to cold weather which kills 10 times more people than hot weather.

The artificial meat industry is hoping to make chickens extinct if its 'meat grown in a laboratory' project in Singapore is accepted world-wide.
“No eggs? That's going to bugger up cake making.” R.W.

Now you know
Q: How does a real wonk overcome the Covid Blues?
A: He/she/it has a good moan at a tree for 15 minutes or so, and feels enormously better for it.

50% of bridges on Britain's motorways and A-roads are in a poor or very poor condition. But that doesn't mean they're unsafe, Highways England would have us believe. They have to be rated as totally bloody crap before anyone needs to worry.

Anti-Viral Bioposture Corrector
A poor posture restricts your breathing, laying you open to viral and other airborne infections.
Our drug-free medical device supports back muscles, reduces pain and maintains a correct & healthy posture.
Romiley Medical Supplies, 31 Riverside Drive

Limited engagement
It's a real shame, but President Trump may be available to take over from failed President Boris for only 4 years. The Donald has ambitions to return to the White House in 2024 to show the world how things should be run by a 78-year-old with a few brain cells.

It's surprising we're not deafened by the moans about carbon footprints with more and more homes than ever lit up by Xmas lights this year.

Q: Why is the Cabinet Minister M. Gove ENORMOUSLY fat?
A: Because he considers two scotch eggs to be just a starter for a meal.
“Presumably, ostrich.” M.S.

Sir Kreepy Steamer is having another self-isolation holiday on full pay. This is getting to be a habit.

Ever wondered why so many kids leave school unable to read, write and add up? It's because Ofsted, the alleged regulator, marks down schools if they concentrate too much on the 3Rs at the expense of left-wing wonkism.

Q: If Britannia, the UK's dirtiest hotel chain, claims it is dedicated to providing a safe environment for visitors, do we believe it?
A: Nope.

Undignified scramble
The Chinese plague is causing a shortage of free range turkeys @ the top end of the market. Posh people, who would normally go abroad for the Festering Season, have knocked it on the head this year. Hence the dash to blag a posh turkey for an at-home do. Norfolk's hand-pluckers are on overtime and sagging under the strain.

Slippery slope slide
The Oxford University Press is stepping into the communist realm of censorship by cancelling the term 'Essex Girl' and an explanation of its meaning and context. Anyone in search of enlightenment in the future will have to consult someone else's dictionary.

It’s Official
It's okay for supporters of Millwall FC to exercise their 'uman right to boo kneeling footballers if they think they're just pretentious gits making a pointless gesture.
   Especially if the cause is of dubious merit.

Stubbornly unreconstructed
Police Scotland has successfully resisted attempts to end sexism and a bullying culture over the last 40 years. This is the conclusion of female officers who reached the higher ranks in the 1980s and subsequently, and feel free to speak now that they are no longer in The Job.

Moving goalposts
A lawyer (who else?) has come up with a scheme for messing about with the Scottish legal system, which currently has 3 verdicts on offer; guilty, not guilty & not proven.
   He wants to abolish all the nonsense about guilt & innocence and settle for just proven and not proven, opening the way for people who are guilty walking if the case against them is not proven and innocent people ending up in gaol if Police Scotland and the legal trade do a good job of stitching them up.
“Which is what can happen right now, so it's more repainting the goal posts a different colour rather than actually moving them.” J.M.
“Yes, how is this better than the current system?” J.R.
[It doesn't have to be better, it just has to be different. Ed.]

A TV mathematician has calculated that the total amount of the Chinese plague in circulation world-wide right now is about 0.2 fluid ounces or less than one teaspoonful . . .

“Is there anything heroic about being 90 and having the plague jab? Not if you know you'll be nagged to bitz if you try to get out of it!” M.K.

Spivs in action
Is that hand gel doing the virus-killing job it's claimed to do? The goo should contain 60-90% of alcohol but tests have found that brands claiming to be 70% or 75% alcohol can contain half that amount, and some 'sanitizers' contain as little as 10%. Look out—especially if you buy the stuff online from eBay, etc.

“A trade deal which takes 7 years to ratify is nothing to do with giving a fair deal to the nations involved and everything to do with 7 years' free lunches, dinners and breakfasts for gangs of burrocrats. The same applies to the Brexit negotions with the EbloodyU.” R.W.

Don’t let the people choose
The nation has virus fatigue, the Xperts reckon. Young elves of 18-29 are going mental at an incredible rate, and at least 50% of the government's much put-upon customers are using their own judgment about what is safe behaviour. Which explains why the plague is spreading so rapidly in some areas.

Notwork Rail has given up on keeping tracks in repair and trains running. It now plans to score virtue points by planting lots of trees.
“In that case, expect BUCKETS more leaves on the lines and lotz more delays.” L.S.

Advertisement Acme Phone SMARTER Tech If they can't track you down, they can't shut you down for a fortnight The ACME untrackable phone does everything a trackable one can You know it makes sense Deal includes desktop charger: 2GOOD 2MISS! In stock now @ Romiley Appliances, 22c Riverside Drive

Not just precious metals
The rules on what counts as treasure have been rewritten to include anything old and made of metal in response to the number of artefacts being uncovered by metal detectorists.
   The archaeological trade is worried about not getting a fair look in before relics vanish.

Q: How do you upset the EbloodyU mightily?
A: Reveal that life here will be so much better free of its dead hand.

Oak wrap!
The doom-mongers are grinding their teeth after being deprived of a flu + plague joint catastrophe for the NHS. Flu cases this year are down 90% on last year.
   A mouthpiece of the National Union of Mongers & Doomsters described this outcome as 'rather disappointing'.

Another good reason for avoiding France & the French is that over there, you're liable to be shot by some cross-eyed Frog, who will claim that he was just trying to pot a wild boar.

Dockson of Dick Green is threatening M. BashedEar with a police probe into his shenannygoats and evidence tampering. How big will the whitewash bill for that be?

“Would you like onions with this tripe?”
Your snow boots could become museum pieces by the end of the century, the Met Office Xperts reckon. Or that 'could' could be a 'could not'; such is the accuracy of their forecasting system and the dismalitude of their predictions track record.

Q: What do you get if you try to set fire to a Union flag on the Cenotaph in London?
A: If you're a BLAME Buncher, away with it.

A Labour MP is claiming that the UK could become a cashless society by the end of this year!!! We'd all like a pint of what she's been drinking!

DON'T PANIC, Boris is in charge
as you were: PANIC!

“If President Trump is short of evidence of electoral fraud in the USA, he can always get Mr. BashedEar & the BBC to fake some for him. Just to keep their hand in, of course.” J.E.

“Apparently, Formula One driver Romain Grosjean was taken, after digging his way out of his Bahrain Barbeque and being rescued, to the BFD hospital. Rather an unfortunate name . . .” S.O.

“It must have been a great relief to Prince William & spouse to have been spared having to meet & greet Wee Burney when they did their state visit to Scotland this week.” R.B.
A mouthpiece for the Scittish parliament said: "The Wee First Meenister is working hard to cultivate her image as a miserable wee beesom."
[Much the same applies to the miserable Labour gits in Wales. Ed.]

What is a brilliant attention-grabber?
Claim that personkind—well, the USA & Israel—made contact in the last decade with an alien galactic federation, which thinks that humanity isn't ready for the stars and that's why the contact has been kept a closely guarded secret.
   Being the sort of open and honest guy he is, President Trump was on the verge of putting the details on Twatter, and that's why the aliens, who have a secret base on Mars, had him cancelled in favour of Joke Bidet using their undetectable electoral fraud system.
   That's the gist of the claims being made by the guy who used to head Israel's space security programme. Now retired.

Bang-Reverser Laser Defence Tech
The police reckon their Bang-To-Rights™ next generation radar gun can read a number plate at 750 metres in any and all lighting conditions.
Beat the Plague Stealth Tax Drive!
Our laser device will blind their sneaky gadget
GUARANTEED!!!
Only from Megano & Wilf of Romiley, 14 Riverside Lane

Barcelona Zoo has succeeded in infecting 4 of its lions with the Chinese plague.

Russian doctors are demanding to know why so many elderly patients with the Chinese plague are falling to their death from upper floor windows.
“If they get too nosy in Putinstan, it will be doctors doing high dives next for getting in the way of state policy.” N.K.

And victimhood for all
National Graphic magazine has joined in the 2020 hysteria and the surge to paint it as a year of disasters like no other. All part of the process of building the myth that we are being persecuted now like @ no other time in the whole history of the universe.

Q: Have you had your blood pressure checked?
A: No, I'm quite happy for it to be striped.

Heat from below, not above
Xperts from Japan have found that a magma plume rising from The Planet's molten depths under Greenland is melting the ice there and causing the sea level to rise. Something which is out of the control of the Warmists and which makes everything they're pretending they can do look totally trivial in comparison.

“After the barnstorm of bad faith we've had in the last few weeks, incentive to have anything to do with EbloodyU countries has to be at the lowest possible ebb. And negative for the French.” T.Z.

We always knew the buggers weren’t serious

Cancel “Gone for a Burton”, substitute “Gone for a Barnier”
Let's face it, the Eurocrats are against a trade deal with the UK on job security grounds. If we get out of the EU in good shape, other countries disenchanted with the pointless bureaucrazy and the monstrous corruption will do the same.
   As a result, burrocrat empires will shrink, so will their perks & pensions & freebies, and a reduced EU budget means smaller kick-backs from those 'in the loop' and those involved in corruption who feel fireproof.

“If any cosmetic mayor had his collar felt by the law, you knew it had to be Liverpool's, living up to the Dodgy Scouser image.” S.P.
[No surprise about Dregsy, though. Ed.]

“Prince Hairy's crusade to turn snoflakes into raindrops—how's that getting on?” Godmoth Redd
[Dustbin of history. Ed.]
“Knowing the way The Universe works, they're bound to become acid rain.” U.P.

Cambridge University has joined the ranks of the woke witch-hunters. How very wonderful.
Academics @ Cambridge U. have voted to bin the wonk agenda and back the right of freedom of speech if it's not going to get the Uni into legal trouble. All inmates must recognize that other people may have views that they do not share, and the others are as entitled to their views as wonks.

Losers’ Law
If President Trump does give himself a Presidential Pardon, that will spare the American public the humiliation of Democrapic lawyers shaming their country—at HUGE expense to the taxpayer—with attempts to stick him in gaol for impurely political motives.

“Doesn't your heart bleed for all those poor [but not financially, Ed.] people who will be able to spend only 3 lousy months @ their holiday home on the Continent if they don't want to go through the life-changing hassle of getting a visa if they want to spend more time there?” J.I.

We're being assured that everyone remembers where they were when they heard the news that John Lennon had been murdered. Nah. J.F.K. maybe if you're old enough. No one else.

Hopes not raised
Astronomers are promising a really bright conjunction of Saturn & Jupiter, which will be seen just above the horizon in the south-west just after sunset on December 21st. [Best view @ the equator, not here. Ed.]
   Romiley residents are advised to forget it. Given that Weather Control hates us, it's bound to be cloudy on the day if rain isn't bucketing down.
NASA has felt obliged to tell Nervous Nellies that the planets might look on the verge of a collision but their orbits keep them hundreds of millions of miles apart.

Antarctica has shed the world's biggest iceberg. Sadly for the Warmists and the BBC, it's nothing to do with gorbal warming and just physics & mechanics in action. So move along there and stop that bloody panicking.

Q: Will the film of The Covid 19 give The Magnificent 7 and The Dirty Dozen a run for their money?
A: Probably not. Nineteen is such an unwieldy number.

Try something different this Xmas
Covid, Camel & Chips then Corona Cluster Baked Alaska
It's all Splendidly Sustainable
Romiley Exotic Foods, 9 Riverside Drive

Q: Go on, why is BBC ex-celeb Jenni Murray going topless on TV @ 70?
A: Couldn't get herself on to page 3?

Nice!
This year's prime Xample of an Xmas Wizardry Must-Have has to be the Arfur Tree!
   It's artificial, it's only 50% of the standard vehicle for Xmas decorations, which means that it can be parked right up against a wall, or suspended from a picture rail, as a space saver.
   And, of course, being just half a tree, it can be decorated in half the time.

Not so nice
Animal charities reckon that record numbers of people panic-bought a pet for company when the Chinese plague pandemic ruined everything. And if life ever returns to an approximation of normal, the number of abandoned pets will set a new world record.

Green Bollocks Megafail
Surprise! Pollution from road vehicles has FALLEN in areas where lunatic councils ABOLISHED anti-vehicle measures installed using taxpayers' cash in pursuit of the lunatic government's Green Bollocks agenda.
   The barrier systems were slowing traffic, including ambulances and other emergency vehicles, and increasing pollution levels, thus achieving the Xact opposite of what they were supposed to do.

The official poop
Forecasts of future climate conditions from the Met Office may be deemed credible (even if based on doubtful or downright dodgy data) but they must always be recognized as probably not the most likely scenario.

Advertisement There's Hi-Tech and there's the Virus Vulture™ Simply the ultimate protection against infections       of all sorts from all sources Don't wait for someone else to kill the Chinese       plague, Do it YOURSELF! in your own home Be Safe Every Day! In stock now @ Romiley Appliances, 22c Riverside Drive

The Law weighs in
Anyone who has been involved in preventing relatives from extracting old people from care homes could face kidnapping and false imprisonment charges, and a HUGE compensation claim for violating the elderly person's 'uman bluddy rights.

What the hell? Who cares?
GM Police is in a state of failure & loss of public trust. The wonks are failing to record crimes as an excuse for not bothering to do anything in the way of an investigation, the Constabulary Inspector has found. Worse, GMP has been aware of this situation for at leat 4 years but the bosses have been content to sit on their hands and do nothing.
Greater Manchester Police is suspected of ignoring crimes at a rate of 150,000 per year.

It's on the news but can you believe it?
SAGE Scrutineer™ is the ultimate assessment App
Search multiple international databases for a RELIABLE
"fact or BS" assessment
Only from Megano & Wilf of Romiley, 14 Riverside Lane

That deadline that couldn’t be missed . . . remember that?
Surprise! It has been pushed back.
Not in any hope of doing a trade deal with the EbloodyU.
Just to continue the free-lunch gravy train.

New Road Layout For Social Distancing
That's what the sign on the lamp post reads. But how showering Romiley village with signs for 20 mph & 30 mph zones and putting speed bumps on the main road will affect the spacing of people on the pavements and in shops has yet to be revealed.
   Governments and local councils will always find new drains for hurling our money into.
   And another thing—that confected fugug of a crossing at the station has put a perfectly good bus stop out of service. Buses now have to stop on a narrower part of the main road and cause more congestion.

Was M. BashedEar the source of the Zinoviev Letter?
The nation should be told.

Q: What does a government call a shamefully long delay in changing a bad law?
A: An implementation period.

Today's Staggering Fact:
For every serious medical condition, there is a doctor somewhere trying to link it to the Chinese plague.

Today's Other Staggering Fact:
For every Chinese plague vaccine, there's a gang of medical spivs trying to find a way to use it to help cheating athletes beat the World Antidoping Agency's tests.

Q: What chance do you have of winning an ITV competition with a postal entry?
A: 0.0000000%

Nostalgia for the future
Ah, how we will long for our Covid Afternoons, when there was nothing to do and nowhere to go, and we could read a book or watch an old film with a chunk of cake and a cup of tea, or declare wine o'clock and open a bottle of something delish.

Q: If worrying about a treatment's side effects can cause them, does worrying about getting a plague vaccine jab give you the Chinese plague?
A: It's bound to happen to someone. Or someone will claim it happened either to get noticed or in an attempt to Xtract damages from the vaccine manufacturer.

Throat, own, cutting
“If footballers stage a walk-off when they are booed for being a plonker, that's going to alienate their fans even more and reduce their cash-flow even further.” H. Parro

Have something different this Xmas
Minted Mongolian Llama
Simply Delish!
Romiley Xotic Provender, 14c Riverside Drive

“Making G. Floyd the patron saint of the Black Tribe makes about as much sense as giving the job to Jack the Ripper.” Jon-Pol Gauleiter

“Whatever happened to fusion power? It was the Great New Thing of the 1970s. But it seems to have gone fizzle, fizzle, phutt over the last 50 years.” P.H.T.

Advertisement Get your car retrofitted with an electric power system 4x4s a speciality Make the busy-bodies who moan at you for polluting       Their Planet look like the right plonkers they really are! Only from Megano & Wilf of Romiley, 14 Riverside Lane

Just not true—the usual story
It seems that the story from the Office of National Sadistics that the number of plague cases was soaring before the November locko was false—a blatant lie based on dodgy data analysis.
   After redoing the sums, the ONS has moved the goal posts 8 feet to the left and their numbers now show that the plague infection rate was FALLING before the November locko began.

Medical Xperts are claiming that a No Deal Brexit will kill 4 MILLION people with rare diseases in the UK and put thousands of medical staff out of work. Which means that now would be a good time to PANIC!
“Just a thought, but if a plague vaccination prevent symptoms from showing in someone who gets a dose of it but leaves them able to infect others, that could be Nature's way of wiping out the people who oppose vaccinations of all sorts.” D.P.

Public Service Announcement He's been called the Blogger of the Decade His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

WEEK 3      Tell ’em anything except the truth—the SAGE & EU Code

 
Idle hands . . . (or minds)
One does get a sense that the International Olympics bods are getting bored. Their Games didn't happen this year, it might not even happen next year, so what can they do to keep themselves occupied? Pretending that break dancing is a sport seems to be about the best they can come up with.
   Skate boarding is also in. That probably has the same justification as including fancy diving and bike riding.

Has anyone managed to get off a drink-driving charge by claiming it was accidental contamination due to absorbing alcohol from frequent applications of hand sanitizer?

Here we go again
The Labour (what else) council of Birmingham is making the city a laughing stock with a raft of wonk street names [Diversity Avenue, anyone?] to be created in time for the 2022 Commonwealth Games. Not something any of the competitors will see and be unimpressed by, of course.

Q: You're a terrorist in a US gaol and you want to be moved to the UK, where they won't lock you up, natch, 'coz the legal trade is soft on terrorism, what do you do?
A: Make yourself so enormously fat that the US prison system decides it can't cope and moves you across the Atlantic on a specially strengthened freighter.

Won’t save The Planet. Surprise!
The wonky Commons committee on climate change is proposing the creation of a Meat Police, which will stick fines on everyone who fails to cut their consumption of meat and dairy products by 20%.
“What the real people need to do is consume absolutely stonking amounts of meat & dairy right now so that the Meat Police get bugger all in fines when we shed 20% of our consumption.” V.L.

The attempts by the Church of England to address sexual abuses by its minions are being likened to the Spanish Inquisition. Which says rather a lot about the mentality of the accusers.

The height of Mount Everest above sea level changes because sea level changes, which means that an artificial average value for a notional sea level has to be used. But still China and India bicker about what the number should be. But, surprisingly, the Chinese have decided to stop dicking about and they have declared a joint figure with India. BFD.

Happy times
The bosses of the Royal Navy are looking forward to a chance for some live ammo training using trawlers invading our waters as the targets. The French will get a good seeing to but friendly nations, like the Dutch, will just get a couple of shots across the bow.

Our resident Dismal Doc would like you to believe that if your tummy rumbles, you have irritable bowel syndrome rather than just irksome noisy bowel syndrome.

Q: Will the Irish Republic be harmed by a 70% tariff on its agricultural products?
A: Not if we carry on not buying anything from them and not letting their stuff be moved through the UK and not having anything to do with them. Won't make no difference if the tariff is 170%.

The Toy Industry is lobbying for Xmas to be postponed until next May as imports of PPE and other medicalware are interfering with the vital importation of toys.

Q: What do you do if Sheds.co.uk fails to erect your new shed?
A: Take a pop at the indie rock band Shed Seven online and hope the resultant publicity shames the shed company into getting off its fat can.

Dressing up as a zombie for auntiesocial meeja is an offence worth 10 years in gaol in Iran for bringing the regime into disrepute.

IPSA has decided that MPs will not get a pay rise of 3 grand in 2021/22 as it will not reflect the reality faced by many voters. That's the ones who are not entitled grabbers, of course. A sub-species with which most MPs are unfamiliar.

President Boris is to stop funding for overseas fossil fuel projects 'as soon as possible' as a virtual climate change measure. If it takes as long as stopping overseas aid to rich countries with a space programme, e.g. China & India, Boris will be an OAP in the House of Frauds before anything happens. If it ever does. Which is unlikely.

How appropriate that President Boris got to chair a virtual climate change conference where the only nations allowed to have a say are the ones making the biggest virtual (i.e. non-real) promises about cuts.
   Surprise! They're lying to you. They're not going to save The Planet. The Earth will be around for another 5 Billion years before The Sun turns into a red giant and gobbles it up. And there's not a damn thing Boris & Co. can do about that.
“Hey, Boris! Cancelling 100% of not very much is still not achieving very much.” A.G.

The World Anti-Doping Agency has felt obliged to announce that athletes who have a shot of a plague vaccine won't be breaking anti-doping regulations. Is that a reflection of the state of wonkism in the world—that some athletes were wondering if a plague vaccine ranks alongside coke and cheat-potions?
   It's also a reflection of the knowledge that rogue nations are beavering away in their laboratories, trying to create performance-enhancing drugs which are masked by a shot of plague vaccine.
Customers are advised to avoid the Putinstan Sputnik vaccine unless they're okay with being shot into Earth orbit.

Morons in action
Officers of the National Crime Agency & the Border Force have been arrested on charges of facilitating illegal entry of migrants to the UK. They were involved in an operation which arrested a fishing boat off the coast of East Anglia and brought 69 Albanians ashore to make false asylum claims and defraud the taxpayer by shoving cash into the pockets of the legal trade.

Making do
Frozen out of its home ports, the Russian navy is holding its training exercises in the warmer waters around Britain and checking the prospects for a quick run ashore for some Xmas duty-free shopping.
The Royal Navy will be using its post-Brexit No-Deal actions against marauding French trawlers as training exercises for confronting the expected Russian incursions.

Q: If you're really short of something to do, what's a good way of wasting some time?
A: Calculating how much carbon dioxide imaginary santa's imaginary reindeer would produce whilst servicing the UK.
[22 virtual tons. Ed.]
“Another Xpert has demonstrated by considering the physics involved that an actual Santa's carbon footprint is actually zero and the first Xpert is an idiot.” F.G.

Virus Vulture Sir P. Vallance has been obliged to admit that there is no justification for ordering pubs to stop serving customers @ 10 p.m.
   It was done just to annoy the customers, is the inference.

No doubt those rich enough will adopt a Pony Express concept for travelling around in their electric cars. They'll be driven 100 miles or so then swap to another vehicle, leaving the previous one in the hands of minions to be recharged and polished.

Climate Change Criminals have wasted £250 MILLION of taxpayers' cash on polluting the enviromint with obstructive cycle lanes. No wonder we're bleedin' broke.

Health Monster M. Hancock has reset the bar for tired & emotional with his vaccine blubber.

The nation's boss judge has the hump because customers are daring to notice that judges are soft on criminals and make up their own laws without consulting Parliament to give the criminal community an easy ride.

Q: What can you do if you're bored out of your skull and forbidden to do anything useful?
A: Calculate that everything man-made weighs more than Nature's contribution to clogging The Planet with life and pretend that the guess is accurate and a terrible indictment of something or other.
“Probably an excuse for wiping out the 'uman race with a terrible plague to give Nature a level playing field.” A.L.M.

Q: How long does it take the Bristol police to charge vandals with causing criminal damage?
A: 7 months. That's just charging, not also putting on trial and letting off.

The BBC is in trouble with animal charities for encouraging cowboy dog breeders to get involved in get-rich-quik schemes.

Q: What gets snoflakes depressed?
A: Scradging about on auntisocial meeja for more than 5 hours per day.

WAßERFLOßER™
Blast the Chinese plague & other nasties away
Don't let them get a grip on you & yours
Romiley Appliances, 22c Riverside Drive

“All this talk by past performers of sueing every sporting authority on The Planet for compenbloodysation smacks of participation without responsibility. How very luvvie.” T.C.

Graceful retirement is obviously an alien concept
The film actor H. Ford, who's pushing eighty(!), is making another Indianabanana Jones epic. The world waits to see how he will manage to manoeuvre through dense jungle, or escape from marauding tribesmen in an underground cave system, on his mobility scooter. Or maybe they're going to give him a jetpack.

Q: What the bloody hell is yuzu?
A: An expensive substitute for good old lemons, it turns out.

Q: President Boris has lotz of warm words for WTO trading conditions. Are we impressed?
A: President Boris is a politician. He could do warm words for the Black Death.

The EbloodyU boss lady was talking about ‘going the extra mile' rather than kilometre. She has obviously been corrupted and she is in desperate need of a trip to an EbloodyU re-education camp.

Yes, President Boris had an oven-ready deal a year ago. But the EbloodyU didn't want to talk turkey. Typical lout & bully, the EbloodyU told us: "Do it our way or you don't play."
   To which the only possible answer is: "Far Queue, mate. Far Queue very much."

Labour's ambassodor to, and apologist for, the EbloodyU is Edstone Milipede, the bacon buttie king. How desperate can you get!

34% of the population has so little to do that they're reading all the anti-vaccine messages on auntiesocial meeja.

Scotland will be a wasteland full of Scotch beef that the natives, impoverished as they are by SNP misrule, won't be able to afford if the EbloodyU sticks an 80% tariff on exports of it.
Wee Burney is taking lessons from her husband in the art of appearing calm and confident and apparently sensible while making no sense at all. Apparently, her old man is a master of the craft.
60% of Scots don't get Wee B's plague acronym FACTS, which comes without explanatory text, unlike the Sage Edict Rage in use south of the border.

The Russians are claiming they have invented a new weapon—the submarine-launched ICBM.

Sir Kreepy Steamer has put off a ‘major' speech to the Scots on devolution from this month until January in the hope that he can come up with something they'll buy.
“Maybe he should do it on January 2nd when they're all hogmanized out of their skulls and unable to recognize a load of bullshine.” W.B.

PayPal’s Catch 22
If you buy something online but you don't get what you were promised, you can complain to PayPal if it was used for the transaction. PP will open a buyer protection claim. But if PP gets proof from the seller that something or other was sent to you, no matter what, then it's case closed and you're screwed.

“. . . Three plague tiers,
Two boffin boneheads,
And a virus in a pear tree.”

“Has anyone managed to get off a drink driving charge by claiming it was accidental contamination due to absorbing alcohol from frequent applications of hand sanitizer?” C.M.Z.

Unfair to bad guys
The Co-op in the south of England is in trouble for using CCTV and facial recognition software to spot criminals on their premises following an 80% rise in attacks on staff during the pandemic.

Surgeons should not be allowed to operate on their birthday, an Xpert has decided, because this is when they are most likely to blunder from the extra stress of having to finish the job early to get to a celebration on time.
   Maybe. Possibly. Or not.

Q: Is the Hockney fingerpainting of the composer L. van Beethoven, done on a tablet, actually stunning, as claimed?
A: Not even close. It's okay for the medium but not masterpiece class.

R.U.D.**
The E. Musk Mars rocket, which is scheduled to begin colonization of the Red Planet in 2024, is brilliant at getting off the ground but it explodes if it has to return to the ground after a short upward hop.
   Which has to be a severe incentive to colonists aboard it to go all the way and not change their mind about leaving this planet after a couple of minutes of flight.
[** Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly. Kerboom! to the rest of us. Ed.]

Oh, dear! Sales of J. Depp brand perfume are soaring as a backlash against his being branded a beater of ex-wife Dumper Heard. But hey! That's show biz for you.

Q: You're a lawyer in the pay of the government and you've been convicted of upskirting using your pocket phone. How do you avoid being struck off?
A: Claim Brexit made you do it. Yes, that does actually work.

The decision to close Hammersmith Bridge and prevent any river traffic from going under it, and dick about over repairs for a decade or so, is bollocks, the Xperts have decided. The local council (Labour) is unimpressed by good sense, however.

Q: What's a quick way to get laughed at?
A: Pay £470 for designer sunglasses, which look like they're on upside down.

Minneapolis, where G. Floyd perished in police custody whilst resisting arrest, is able to create an illusion of defunding the local police force because police officers are feeling under-appreciated and quitting in droves, reducing the wages bill dramatically.
   Natch, the crime rate is soaring out of sight. But hey! As long as the cops are gone, who cares, right?

Q: In the US, why do murderers spend so long on Death Row? (a Daily Mail Correspondent asked)
A: Because the legal trade wants to make lotz of money out of them and the prison trade seeks security of employment for a decade or so.

Interesting prospect . . .
Rogue French trawlers arrested for fishing piracy in British waters could be allowed to go straight home. But only if they take a deckful of illegal invaders from France with them.

The latest incarnation of the Chinese plague might be more infectious than earlier versions. Or it might not be. Or it might be concentrating on younger people, who don't show symptoms.
   The Health Sec., Hancock's Half Hour, is assuming that it is the deadliest virus ever unleashed. So are the Sage Bunch. Their response is a pointless locko to wreck the economy without fixing the plague problem. Great.

“Could someone with juice kindly arrange for the Minister for Terrorist Welfare to be run over by 6 steamrollers as his Xmas present from a nation which is oh, so grateful for his/her/its policy of importing and giving taxpayer-funded benefits to ENORMOUSLY fat terrorists from the United States?” E.M.

“TV viewers have to put up with warnings that 'The following programme contains scenes of violence' before showings of films containing fake violence but not before showings of sporting events, like boxing matches, which contain the real thing. Definitely something to baffle the antennae off alien visitors.” M.K.

Someone else taking back control
Hungary has taken the radical step of rewriting its constitution to define a person's sex as the one they were born with and their DNA declares they are. That should upset a lot of the EbloodyU hierarchy!

The number of new strains of the Chinese plague is up to 17. The Xperts are still looking for more and hope to double the score by the end of the year.

Xperts in China have found that walking along a narrow corridor increases the risk of catching their plague compared to traversing the length of a wide corridor. So, knock all tiny buildings down?

Footballing authorities are running a survey of players to find out if they'd rather stop kneeling down in support of the BLAME Bunch, which is causing them to be booed as wonks by people who want to watch a football match, not a bunch of overpaid divas posturing.

Who’da thunk it?
Surprise! Pointing an infrared thermometer at someone's forehead is not an effective way to screen people for the Chinese plague. It's just a bit of cosmetic BS.

Will the EU remove fishing rights from the trade deal negotions?
Could happen if the Germans get tough on Bollocks to Barnier.

The Warmists are claiming that The Planet is hotting up faster than they expected. Surprise! And stand by for demands for even more cash.

The Iranian regime is happy that President Trump has reached the buffers but not at all happy to be opposed by Joke Bidet and his puppetmistress Kamala Harrisment. No pleasing some folk.

Epic fail. Inflation is 0.3%. So much for the Bank of England's target of 2%. Unemployment is trying to do its bit by reaching 4.9%.

A lot more bang for the buck
According to a top bod @ Bild, Germany's fave newspaper, our departure shrinks the EbloodyU from 28 to the equivalent of 16 members in economic terms, such is the size of Britain's contribution. Which means mucho pain for German and Dutch taxpayers, who fund the rest of it.

Typical bloody politician
Manchester's cosmetic mayor thinks that climbing down from Tier 3 should be all about how long Greater Manchester has spent under restrictions and not dependent on plague infection rates. No surprise that he was a Treasury wonk after being the Stafford Hospital Guy.

The rat & bag of commercial life
We are threatened with a lamb mountain in the event of a No Deal Brexit. But if No Deal does drive down the price of lamb, lots more people will eat it. And maybe some compromise can be reached to keep the industry going.

Pay for vehicle insurance monthly instead of an annual up-front payment and you'll be ripped off to the tune of over 300 quid by an evil insurance company.
   The message from the trade body for the insurance industry is pretty much that anyone who is struggling to afford their car cover should sod off.
Hiring a car for Xmas is a good way to be ripped off for a grand as they are in terrifically short supply.

Q: What do you get if you're an elderly Sky newsreader who makes a mockery of plague rules?
A: Six months self-isolation with pay.

There's a major benefit of the post-December 31st period which is not getting the publicity it deserves, and that's the UK regaining the right to cancel the residence permission of tramps from Europe and send them back to decorate their home country.

O.J. Corbynski is going to give us world peace (whether we want it or not) via a project which will provide a future that 'works for the many, not the Jew'. Or something like that.

Being woke is a licence to stick your hand in someone else’s pocket, like the most cheapjack politician imaginable?
Rich Brits should pay back slavery profits as reparations . . . to whom? Any scrounger with their hand out and without asking them to prove a connection to someone who was a slave? And what about descendants of the Africans who organized the slave trade there? Are they going to pay off the scroungers, too? Sure, they are!

Q: Trump supporters vs Commie agitators—whose side are the meeja on?
A: The meeja hate Trump so much that they're prepared to make heroes out of Commies!

Good news for the Snitch Tendency
Home Sec. ComeHither Patel has given the nation carte blanche to shop neighbours who are spotted flouting Christmas bubble rules. But only if they have organized a vast and noisy rave-up.
North of the border in Wee Burneyland, all Scots will be confined to barracks until futher notice once the Festering Season is over on the orders of the Wee Boss Wumman.

Cop for this!
French EbloodyU negotions wonk Bollocks to Barnier hates the evil Britisch so much that he is dragging his feet to make President Boris call his troops back from their Xmas hols to vote on any trade deal that's cobbled together at the last minute.
   He has been given special dispensation to be even more awkward than usual by Pres. MacRon, who is currently confined to the Bastille as a plague suspect and determined that if he's not getting his usual perks, no one else will.

A painting in the Royal Collection of the British Army's famous victory over the Zulus @ Rorke's Drift is to get a colonial violence warning to let sensitive snoflakes know that black people can be really nasty and savage when they want to.

“Only a total idiot would think that a domestic boiler running on hydrogen rather than natural gas is safe to used. Fortunately for the hydrogen industry, the Department for Business is full of them.” R.W.

Don't expect many trains over the Xmas & New Year holiday period. Railway staff have discovered that leaping into self-isolation is an excellent way of getting extra time off during the Festering Season.

25% of Brits are expected to break the Xmas plague rules but the good news is that if the British Army can track them down and shoot them, the country will become a much safer place.

Look at me! Splat! (rotten tomato)
Sir Kreepy Steamer (boooo!) has to be in favour of cancelling Xmas (chiz, chiz) because the government is trying to give England, at least, some sort of Festering Season break, no matter how tiny and cosmetic.
   But no one forced him to take his present job and all the flak is self-inflicted. So not a drop of sympathy. Not even a small one. Especially as he will now have to start agitating to cancel all the plague Tiers.
Noted plague scientist and former television entertainer E. Ranzen appears to support Sir Kreepy's enforced point of view with her assurance to the nation that if Xmas is not cancelled, everyone will die. Let us hope she is happy now.
“If that happens; everyone croaking; all our problems will be over. And so will the EbloodyU. Great!” Anne Optimist

How is the Black Country area of the Midlands still getting away with it?
[Maybe it knows someone with a bit of juice. Ed.]

Good news from Wuhan in China, where the plague came from. There hasn't been any there since May and life is fully normal.
“The buggers are probably busy confecting the next pandemic right now.” S. Ceptic

Being prepared?
The government is keeping very quiet about a number of areas of the south coast of England which have been closed to the general public. The Ministry of Defence is refusing to comment on reports that they will contain surface to sea missile batteries for use against rogue French trawlers when they invade our coastal waters.

Cop for this, too
If fishing is a sticking point in the negotions, here's a deal. The EbloodyU gets 5 years of status quo, not 8, and agrees to pay a nominal £3 BILLION per year for the privilege.
   And we decide if they're abusing the privilege by over-fishing, not the EbloodyU Commission or the Court of Joke Rights.
“Where the EbloodyU is concerned, we shouldn't be squaring the circle, we should be circling the wagons.” R.W.

Rachel divide due to Chinese plague in the U.S. of A.
60% of AfrAms have indicated that they will not accept a dose of a plague vaccine created for EurAms. They intend to hold out for a shot of a vaccine specifically tailored to their rachel origin.

The British economy?
DNAR!

Do no evil or be done over
With its Online Harm Bill, the government has taken a giant stride toward achieving censorship of everything on the WWW that upsets the state and preventing it from being available in Britain. 'Do what you are told or face massive fines or cancellation' is the message to the tech companies which publish the junk items, directly or indirectly.

Q: If the NHS is in a state of collapse right now due to the Chinese plague, why are the Nightingale hospitals empty?
A: You're not supposed to notice inconvenient stuff like that.

“Do we need access to the EbloodyU's Single Market when we don't even have access to the one down the street?” S.R.

New words for our times:
PerBub = Personal Bubble
There's only you in it and you're going to do as you bloody well like.

The government is scrapping 'unconcious bias' training for civil servants as it has turned out to be total waste of taxpayers' money [so what? the taxpayer has lots more cash to waste Ed.] and it is enabling the self-appointed bias coaches to create conscious bias against white people.
The 'training' has been found to discourage recruitment from ethnic minorities to avoid the problems associated with their presence. Job done + 180 degrees.

The members of the Putin Poison Crew who tried to kill opposition politician A. Navalny with novichok have been named and shamed as failures.

Grrrr!
Teaching unions are up in arms over the government's 'bullying tactics' used to keep schools open after Labour councils close them illegally.
   Their beef is that only trade unions should be allowed to use bullying tactics.

Q: What do you get if you jet-ski from Scotland to the Isle of Man to see your girlfriend?
A: 4 weeks in gaol.

Man Utd. will have to be really stuck for players if they have to give a game to their latest signing—W. Rooney's 11-year-old son.

WEEK 4      No one expected the EU to deal honest

 
Official: Greater Manchester police is NBG and it has been put into administration by the regulator. The cosmetic mayor for the area, the Stafford Hospital Guy, is getting the blame for presiding over yet another useless organization.
   Natch, there's no question of his resigning in shame over another failure. He has just handed the can to the GMP chief constable to carry, hoping that everyone will forget that he used to be the cosmetic GM Police & Crime Commissioner when things were decaying.

“If you wish to fight racialism, you must first confect the appearance of it in vast amounts in order to maximize your profits.” Shur B. Jur

Those whom the Gods would destroy, they first afflict with the delusion that they can create something world-leading.

Sir Kreepy Steamer supports the right of wonks to believe that fiction they see on the box is fact if they have just a tenuous grasp on reality.
“What is it about Labour politicians and other people's property? First, we had G.F. Broon, The Man Who Stole Your Pension. Now, Sir Kreepy is trying to be The Man Who Stole Your Christmas. Not for any sound reason, just because it's the opposite of what the government was trying not to do.” E.H.

Police Lives Don’t Matter
The legal trade has pocketed three-quarters of a million quid of taxpayers' cash on behalf of the murderers of P.C. A. Harper—with more to come.

“If Unicef UK is feeding poor kids in London as plague relief, that's the British public doing the job as they are the source of the cash, not the UN, as the usual Labour suspects would have us believe.” C.M.X.
“Unicef lending its name to this charade has to be just a political stunt of the lowest order inspired by the UK's enemies @ the UN.” M.M.

Q: You're the boss of a top university on £554K and you're convicted of bullying. What do you get?
A: All together now: "Away with it!"

O.J. Corbynstein's World Peace Project includes a supporter of the gaoled Islamist Captain Hook Hamza. Nice bunch.

“The latest craze among the guesstimator community is coming up with a daft figure for how many billion tons of plastic waste Amazon deliveries generate per day. Idle minds have idle thoughts.” O.A.

Q: What's the next crisis on the calendar?
A: Young wonks using 'buy now, pay later' credit firms which are outwith the scope of the financial regulator to build up HUGE debts which they have no hope of servicing.
Klama, Klama, Klama, Klunk.

The German government is as good as any other at foot-dragging. As a result, most small businesses are facing bankruptcy due to bail-out payment delays.

Pres. MacRon is insisting that his self-inflicted dose of the Chinese plague is not his fault. Typical bloody politician.
Informed opinion is that Pres. MacRon is hiding in the Bastille in case the fishing community turns nastier and joins in with the Yellow Vest Pest protests.

By the time you have finished reading the regulations on what you can and cannot do in Italy, the Festering Season will be long gone.

The Sleaze the Trumps industry is going into overdrive to fit in the maximum amount of fake news before it has to don a Do In Sleepy Joe hat in the new year—but it really needs to focus on the power behind the throne, V.P. Harrissment.

Q: You're a crazed serial killer who did in 9 people. What excuse can you offer for delaying your execution?
A: One in Japan want time to marry an ordinary girl.

Just plain dotty
FakeBuk & other auntie-social meeja publishers are hosting mass attacks on ancient NHS customers who have received the Pfizer plague vaccine.
   The confectors proudly proclaim that they have no proof that the vaccine is harmful or that Big Business With Government Collusion corruption are behind it, and no facts to back up their garbage. Their entire fantasy is based on 'joining the dots'.
This stuff cannot be removed from FakeBuk, Twatter, ect. on Freedom to be a Idiot grounds.

Turning Kent into a vast lorry park has left Pres. MacRon of France as unpopular acriss the Channel as he is here. Looks like his stay in the Bastille for protection purposes is going to go on and on and on . . .

Russian hackers are hoping for a long break in the new year after spending the last 9 months having a go at the US, the UK, the EU and just about everywhere else on the planet.

The Swedish Health Minister has realized that closing whatever you can is not going to get rid of the Chinese plague.

The rest of the EbloodyU has the hump with Denmark, which is setting world records for new Chinese plague cases.

Advertisement Turn your home into a Hindenburg! Bin your non-green gas boiler and install a hydrogen domestic boiler TODAY! In stock now @ Romiley Appliances, 22c Riverside Drive

More bloody GreenWash
What is the point of using vast amounts of electricity to make hydrogen to heat homes when using the electricity directly in the home and cutting out the middle man is a whole hell of a lot cheaper and safer?
   Let us not forget that switching from domestic natural gas to hydrogen would involve creating a whole new nationwide distribution system as existing gas distribution hardware is not up to the task of doing it with hydrogen. And doing it at a time when the nation is flat broke and deep in debt is boneheaded in the Xtreme.

Sir Kreepy has been convicted of being terminally smarmy. The NHS can do nothing for him, so expect a lot more of it until he gets the bullet.

Q: Does vitamin D protect against the Chinese plague, as the government is hoping as its reason for buying vast amounts of it to distribute to oldies?
A: No bugger knows for sure.

There is no freedom of speech in 86% of British universities. Surprise! that the figure is so low with the cancel culture so widespread. The rest clearly are not trying. "Go for broke, Go for 100" should be their slogan.

Just to cheer you up for Xmas—20% of the people who get the Chinese plague will cop for the Long type, which drags on for months & months. Ta for that.

It were ’im! or ‘That Boris is everywhere!’
Got £700 to spare? There's a bloke in Japan who will make a life-like full face mask of someone else's face for you so that they get the blame for not wearing a plague mask in a public place.

The Can't Prosecute Service has ordered its minions to stop using the G-word for criminal gang members as 'gang' has negative, unwonk connotations under the unconscious bias rules, which, it seems, the CPS continues to embrace.
“How very Kreepy of them.” Yuan Ken Ming

Cosmetic blamecasting
The Scottish government breached the 'uman rights of old people on an industrial scale by sending them from hospitals to care homes to die of the plague, according to the Sunday Post, Scotland's favourite newspaper. But will anyone in authority resign? Or even go to gaol? Joke.

Ho, Ho, Ho? Make that No! No! No!

Kreepy alternative to a future
Bad news for Wee Burney. Sir Kreepy is going to grot all over her plans for Scottish independence in his Big Speech to the local Labourites. Unless President Boris backs IndyRef2, of course. In that case, Sir Kreepy will be 100% behind Burney.
Added Bonus Broon BS
Predictably, G.F. Broon is in favour of independence in all but name so that Scotland, under a future Labour administration, can make its own decisions but still dip both hands into the pockets of English taxpayers when its local politicians screw up.

President Trump is heading for a blesséd period of influence without the aggravation of politics, the Xperts reckon. Meanwhile, he is firing torpedoes in all directions.

“Does the £12 BILLION guess for the cost of vaccinating everyone in the UK against the Chinese plague include the cost of hiring all the teams of 4 big blokes, who will be needed to sit on each of the vaccine disapprovers so that they can be done too?” A.L.M.

Epic Fail
Bollocks to Barnier's idea of a fair trade deal—Britain bends over and takes 126 of the best as the price of daring to abandon the sinking ship.

Wolf! Wolf!
“Being told that the latest crisis 'could' overwhelm the NHS no longer has the slightest impact. We've all heard that bloody 'could' far too often before.” C.M.X.

Free pass
The government's legal wonks have decided that someone sitting in the driver's seat of a car which is being piloted by a computer will not be legally liable if the vehicle crashes.
   The human will be designated a 'user-in-charge' and be able to mess about with a pocket phone, read a book or whatever. But they must remain sober in case called upon to take charge of the vehicle for real.

Q: What do you get if you hit a delivery biker whilst making an illegal U-turn and leave the scene before the police arrive?
A: If you wear the Pantz of Kontrol, guess what.

H.M. The Queen has successfully avoided mentioning Brexit in her Xmas address to the nation for a record 5th year, reports suggest.

The latest insult for Sir Kreepy is that he's a fence-sitting wet-wipe. C'mon folks. We can do way better than that.

Creating Blandness Everywhere!
The Steamer brand wet-wipe
All colours, all sizes, all textures
Romiley Fencing, 211 Riverside Drive

“If you lash out a million bucks for a virtual ticket for incoming Pres. Bidet's virtual inauguration in January, then the Joke is on you and no mistake!” Monty Gom

Brief Candle of Freedom
Wonks beware! Two Appeal Court judges have declared that freedom of speech includes a 'uman right to offend. Bets are now being laid on how soon their Big Boss overrules them.

Official Warning from your Government Okay, it’s Xmas Day, but don’t you DARE think for one second we’re not still bloody watching you!

Transgressions = fines. Kerching!

Brace yourself for a weather warning
Xmas Day: Frozen, -50 deg.C.
Boxo Day: Storm Blastenhajar strikes, 180 mph gales, if you still have a roof over your head on Sunday, count yourself bloody lucky.
Xmas Sunday: In the eye of the storm, even colder, -80 deg.C—which is good news for those distributing the Pfiz plague vaccine, which needs ultra-cold temperatures to survive.
H.A.N. Day.

Brexit deal cobbled together
Done despite EbloodyU intransigence and desire to punish UK for depriving it of so much dosh
Wee Burney Sturgeon heartbroken
Sir Kreepy too upset to comment but certain that if he had been in charge, the deal would have been at least 1,000,000 times better
The Welsh bloke said someting but it was in Welsh
British boycott of goods from France & Irish Republic to continue pending clarification of the full extent of the sell-out
Travel bans on UK citizens remain in place.
Lorry jam in Kent to continue until well into New Year
EbloodyU says talks were 'very difficult', mainly because of the amount of bad faith on its side.

The blame game over the new strain of the Chinese plague is in full swing. Anti-Trumpers are now claiming it started in the United States.
The SAGE Doomsters are now demanding a full lockdown of the entire world throughout the whole of the new year.
One of the biotech firms working on vaccines claims that its version could be re-engineered in a matter of weeks if it doesn't work against the new variant of the Chinese plague, which could be less lethal than the original version, but rather more infectious and pesky.

Podcasting Prince Hairy is just a mad little kid?
   Surely not!

Not very Happy New Year
Several of Wee Burney's minions are facing the sack after she was photographed maskless whilst talking @ pensioners in an Edinburgh pub
   This is a clear breach of several of the 93 Plague Regulations invented by the SNP to "Make Scotland Different". Natch, the arch-inflicter could not be expected to remember to observe them. She's far too busy doing PR stunts.
Wee Bee has drawn a line under her crime against humanity, so no smacked botty for her.

The teaching unions are demanding another holiday with pay lasting to at least the end of January.

Asleep at the wheel
The present governor of the Bank of England has failed to keep secret his failures when he was the wonk in charge of the Financial Conduct Authority. He has been officially named and shamed for costing small investors hundreds of millions of pounds thanks to his bungling.
   So lots of confidence in his ability to do his current job.

Wot bright side?
"In the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing", wrote R.G. Ingersol in the 19th century.
   Sadly, knowing our luck, the star is a scout vessel leading an alien invasion fleet and the rustling wing belongs to a vulture.

Chile has spread the Chinese plague to its Antarctic research station so that the plague can be listed as having affected every continent.

Q: What do you get if your parents bin a porn collection (described by the police as not illegal) worth $25K?
A: Triple damages if you sue them in Michigan.

Fresh fruit and vegetables and salad ingredients will run out at the end of the first week in January thanks to the current MASSIVE gridlock in Kent. So we'll just have to manage with something else.
One of the Xperts reckons that the current hysteria about the new brand of Chinese plague is unnecessary and brought on by the current hysterical victim culture promoted by the wonk tendency.

NASA boffins have achieved long-distance quantum teleportation, opening the door a tiny, tiny crack towards faster than light travel and communications.

Official Message from your Government Welcome to your Boxo Day and official total lockdown everybloodywhere. Have a nice day—if that’s possible.

Weather Control's token few flakes of snow for Romiley during Xmas Day afternoon received the derision they deserved.

Typical EbloodyU posturing. Bollocks to Barnier took a 2,000-page document to a briefing of EbloodyU ambassodors on Xmas Day. Shame no one got past page 3.

SAIL to SWITZERLAND!
How do you do that to a land-locked country?
Go on one of our virtual trips, 10, 14 or 21 days
An entirely new concept in safe voyaging during a plague year
Romiley Virtual Voyages, 31 Riverside Drive

Q: Is President Boris really the first British leader to cancel Xmas for 360 years?
A: O. Cromwell, miserable bastard Puritan, actually did cancel it in 1656. President Boris hasn't. So that's a no.

Q: Are babies born containing microplastic bitz cyborbs?
A: Only to a hysterical idiot.
“Babies born of a mother who is also a cyborg by the same daffy definition.” Kam Yan

OFFICIAL: The Nightingale plague emergency hospitals cannot be opened for a surge of plague cases because there is no one to staff them.

“Claiming that the Chinese plague is out of control here thanks to the new version implies that it was ever under control previously. A dodgy proposition accepted only by the SAGE Bunch and their stooges.” Lau Tam Kat

Practical Virology
Every virus mutates and the Chinese plague is no exception, the Xperts have told us. Thus we should not be impressed if the government's wonks try to increase the panic level with a new mutation.
   Customers are advised to remember that 20,000 varieties of the coronavirus have been logged and that lockdowns do not prevent the spread of respiratory viruses.

OFFICIAL: Government wonks are picked for their ability to stay on-message and follow the party line rather than independence of thought and expertise.

No two Xperts can agree on how many family rows and murders have been averted due to the scaling down of the Festering Season.

Some Xperts are wondering how the BBC could have made Louie-Sam Milton their sports personality of the year when he doesn't appear to have much of one.

Electric Virus Vans
100% sterile & secure
UV, HOCl, multiple systems for max security
Move people & goods with confidence
Romiley Transport Services, 51 Riverside Drive

Putin the Poisoner's henchmen tried and failed to kill opposition leader and thorn-in-side A. Navalny with underpants annointed with novichok. And they were stoopid enough to admit what they'd done in a bamboozlement phone call.

Attempts to confect unusual radio signals from Proxima Centauri, our next-but-one nearest star, into alien radio messages from a planet are not having much success.

One rule for them, another for everyone else. Joke Bidet, 78, has had his first shot of the plague vaccine.

We have quoted Clarke’s Fourth Law before and we are doing it again:
“For every Xpert, there is an equal and opposite Xpert.”
Something we need to keep on reminding ourselves.

“Is President Boris behaving like the captain of a riverboat who, when warned of a steep waterfall ahead, orders the ship to carry on at full speed regardless? If the waterfall is a collapsing economy and the regardless is locko, it sure looks like it.” Rica Manage

Incest, anyone?
The BBC's programme Panorama is to do an exposé of the dodginess & lies that go into exposé programmes made by the BBC TV show Panorama.

Free speech as long as you don’t say nuffink
Oxford University's student union cancelled a talk on the cancellation culture 8 days after inviting comedy writer G. Linehan to deliver it. Members of the Algae Boutique are said to be behind this latest wonk outrage.

SHOE-VAMP MAX
Explore a range of the sexiest laces on The Planet
All colours, all sizes, all textures
Only from Romiley Footwear, 39 Riverside Drive

Panic buyers might have bought all the salad stuff in supermarkets—most of which will probably end up being binned—but potatoes remain plentiful and chips remain on the menu.

More Swings & Arrows
Maybe we should start asking how much harm was done when the meeja do one of their triumphs after someone in the public eye steps over the line of a plague rule. The family meeting of Princes Bill & Ed, like the Desperate Dom expedition to Barnard Castle, did none.
   Unless we count raising the blood pressure of those desperate for offence and speeding their early demise. In that case, the outcome would be something good!

President Trump is granting pardons to loyal customers, including victims of the Mueller Russian Interference confection.

Bollocks to Barneir was clubbed & bypassed & there was a trade deal of sorts cobbled together @ the last bloody second. Which is typical of the EbloodyU.

Q: I'm looking to fly off somewhere, what should I do?
A: 1. Panic. 2. Stay @ home.

Closing the border with the UK hasn't stopped the new brand of plague from getting into France as a reward for Pres. MacRon's Brexit obstructions.

It has been suggested that the EbloodyU is behind the new marque of the plague virus as it levels the infection playing field by including children, who have been resistant to the old-fashioned versions of the plague. Levelling playing fields is a known characteristic of the EbloodyU.

Q: What do you get if the government chucks you off SAGE & NERVTAG for rule-breaking bunk-ups with a GF who is married to someone else?
A: No interruption of your jobs with SAGE & NERVTAG if you are Professor Death.

All Change
The government virus threats committee is to be renamed unNERVedTAG 'coz of the inmates' propensity for flapping like the proverbial wet hens.

It is not a bad thing for a virus to become more easily transmitted if the symptoms become less severe and allow all but the really ill to carry on as normal until they survive the infection.

“Everyone involved in paying taxpayers' cash to landowners for 'rewilding' should be run over by 6 steamrollers. Just leaving it alone allows Mother Nature to rewild land perfectly well. No 'uman intervention is needed.” Oik Toolan

“NERVTAG sounds like Der Tag for unleashing a Japanese-style nerve gas attack on a subway system somewhere. Probably under the leadership of the sinister Professor Legover.” R.H.

Q: What do you get when the United States unveils a new Lockerbie bombing suspect?
A: Someone who coughed to it 8 years ago.

“The EbloodyU has been forced to realize that without an economy the size of ours, it is no longer much of a force in the world. The words flush and busted come to mind.” Ty Mont

Let us never forget that any scheme claiming to 'save The Planet' is a swindle being offered by a swindler. No doubt, no question, 100% of the time.

Advertisement Dr. Scott's Patented Electric Hair Brush Will cure ALL ailments in 5 minutes INCLUDING the Chinese plague! FIVE in-built Magnets with Great Magneto-Therapeutic Powers WARNING: Single User Only but Unbreakable and Will Last for Years with full instructions from Romiley Appliances, 22c Riverside Drive

Before you Johnny Foreigners start . . .
The latest incarnation of the Chinese plague came from abroad, some Xperts reckon, and so it is NOT our fault. [All fault belongs with the Chinese, let us not forget. [Ed.]
   It was spotted first here only because our nerds are doing corona virus variety checking on an industrial scale and foreign nerds aren't. There could be lots of similar varieties abroad but foreigners, particularly the French, are not looking for them.

C21 Collective Nouns: A Gruesomeness of Barniers

The 1980 Flash Gordon film has been given an X rating [up from A] because the wonks now censoring films shown in Britain were upset by the character Ming the Merciless. [right]

Only on the BBC—the Xtreme weather wonk wearing a face mask to talk by video using his laptop to a distant weather Xpert. She wasn't wearing a mask, of course.

Q: Who could save us from the plague if reincarnated?
A: Margaret Thatcher is well ahead of all other candidates with all age groups, even in Scotland, where the vote for G.F. Broon is derisory.

Resonant Muscle Relaxer & Plague Reliever
Calibrated for all strains of coronavirus
Full directions with every device
For people of all ages and ethnicities
Romiley Medical Accessories, 37 Riverside Drive

Health Sec. Hancock's Half Hour's wet-hen flappery over the latest Chinese plague update is getting the blame for Pres. MacRon's decision to close his border with us. Ta, for that.

Q: What's a great Xcuse for our judges to let a killer Albanian stay in the UK?
A: He might kill someone there if he's sent back to Albania.

Why should a bloke not be able to run a world-wide drug smuggling operation from a house in Warrington? Blame the communications revolution for damaging Cheshire's image.

Q: Who do you do if 30,000 giant pythons are eating all the other wildlife in Florida's Everglades?
A: Train the 'uman population to scoff vast amounts of not very wonderful python meat as a new health food. With chips or pasta, on a pizza, etc.
   Or, given the HUGE amounts of mercury to be found in the 'glades, turn them into novelty thermometers 23-feet high to decorate the outsides of houses.

WEEK 5      Okay, the fun is over, now DIE!

 
Okay again, which comedian ordered up this little lot?

“Guaranteed to annoy the bottle bashers when they try to come round to empty the brown bins. If they bother, of course.” the Chicken Man

Boffins @ Oxford U. reckon they have come up with a process for Xtracting carbon dioxide from the atmosphere and turning it into fuel for airliners. Which means that when the fuel is combusted again in jet engines, the nett carbon release is zero.
[But does this include all the carbon dioxide created during the production and distribution steps? Ed.]
“This is just more from the box labelled 'After The Oil Runs Out'. But it does use cheap materials for the catalyst, including iron, compared to existing metal-based catalysts for reacting carbon dioxide with hydrogen to create a hydrocarbon brew.” Sam Alien

The V-WATER Miracle
An electrified HYPER-CHARGED cleaner/sterilizer made from tap water and table salt
Zaps all bugs & germs and viruses, including the Chinese plague
Great deals on the Applicators for all surfaces
Romiley Appliances, 22c Riverside Drive

Some up-sizing is going on in the housing market due to people needing bigger rooms for doing giant jigsaw puzzles during locko.

Q: What is the pay rate for workers in Pakistan making fast-fashion garments?
A: 29p/hour.

Q: How impressed would you be with an MP who claimed a broken window @ his constituency office was due to someone shooting @ it even though the police didn't find a bullet?
A: Not trifficly.

British people 'could' be consuming 68,266.7 almost undetectable fragments of plastic per year from seafood. Or the guess could be entirely wrong.

Q: The Returned Species Department—what goes on there?
A: The mind boggles.

Q: What is the secret of the Black Magic box?
A: The box is 8" square = 64 sq.in. The chocs can be fitted without crowding into an area 7½" x 3½" = 26.25 sq.in. Deception factor = +243.8%.

Storm Blastenhajar lived up to its name with 106 mph gusts sweeping the Isle of Wight. Things were a bit noisy and wet here in Romiley on Saturday night, but nothing too terrible.

Wee Burney bollocks fools no one
Lockdown rules violator Wee Burney Sturgeon has accused President Boris of selling out the Scottish fishing industry in his Brexit deal. What she conveniently fails to mention is that the deal offers Scotland mair fush than the nae fush on offer as a member of the EbloodyU. And if she leads an independent Scotland back into the EbloodyU, it would be back to nae fush.
“Scotland gets to choose between nae fush and nae fush? I can see why Wee Burney would have a problem with such a difficult choice.” Rabbi Burns

Romiley residents are looking foward eagerly to their twin traditional New Year treats—rye spudding, which is annointed with Crême de Cassis (Wunderbar!) on New Year's Eve and drizzled with Drambuie on New Year's Day.
[Note: Crême de Cassis is exempt from the current general boycott of all things French. Ed.]

Hot air
It's all very well for the Scottish Justice Sec. to claim that Brexit will be a major blow to law enforcementy, but with the SNP in charge, Police Scotland has become as useless as did Greater Manchester Police, which is currently in administration, when A. Burnham, the local cosmetic mayor, was the Police & Crime Commissioner.
   So not much visible change.

The Chinese plague seems to have put Greenhouse Grotter's gas at a peep. Ta, for that.

Beware the enthusiastic amateur
With big public New Year firework displays cancelled 'coz of the plague, fire brigades everywhere are feeling obliged to issue warnings about the dangers of lunatic individuals staging their own shows.
   Particularly if they are using military-grade Xplosives bought from China via the Interweb.

Supermarkets are stocking up with Easter eggs in a bid to persuade people to buy one before the plague gets them.

Q: What do you get for reporting the truth about the coronavirus outbreak in Wuhan, China?
A: Four years in gaol for upsetting the regime.

Come on, then!
We're still waiting for the vote of appreciation from the Caribbean countries for removing their ancestors from Africa and away from the bastards there who were quite happy to sell the ancestors into slavery, and for providing those ancestors with their own countries in the pleasantly warm tropics.
   Something tells us it will be a bloody long wait.

The Nashville bomber was a nutter with a thing about 5G, the Federal Bureau of Instigation reckons after studying what's left of him.

The EbloodyU compromises 55.3% of the UK's trade in physical goods. Ta, for that.

Kanzler Mherkel is taking the credit for organizing a German front to cancel the obstructive forces of Bollocks to Barnier & President MacRon to get the Britisch out of the EbloodyU.

Clarification & Transparency request: Is the currently rampant and out of control plague update Covid-19 point something or other? Or are we now doing Covid-20?

“I am kicking myself very hard.” Sure your are!
It seems likely that Wee Burney Strugeon has awarded herself a presidential pardon and Bill of Immunity to avoid having to pay a fine for her own violation of locko rulz in Edinburgh, Scotland's second city. This was an essential part of her line-drawing process.

The NHS is back in an on-going 'buckling under the strain' situation.

Q: Do we need an opinion from rejected prime monster T.B. Liar on how the plague vaccination campaign should be conducted?
A: Nope. He is just a band-wagon hopping nuisance who is stealing other people's ideas without being able to judge whether they are worth a hill of beanz. Just more attention-seeking.

Today's Word: Apathrophy—Degenerating into a state of total unconcern.

The C-Rate for electric vehicles is 0.28. That's the number of public charging points per electric vehicle.

The owners of a crabber fishing boat, which was almost sunk by a World War II bomb in the North Sea, have a big problem. They don't know whether to try to sue the British or German government for compensation.
   All of the crew members survived, if in a battered condition.

Q: Who is this bloke Nigel A., who claims to be a cookery Xpert?
A: Answers on a PC to the usual address.

NytOil Soothing Concoction
Can't sleep for worrying about the relentless march
of the Chinese plague?
Sooth your bothers away and recharge your batteries
with a good night's sleep
Romiley Medical Supplies, 31 Riverside Drive

If you die of any of thousands of natural conditions, or something unnatural like being run over by a bus, and your remains test (or have tested) positive for the Chinese plague, you go on the list.
   Thus the running totals for deaths due to the plague cannot be more accurate than guesstimates to the nearest thousand, if that. And if the final three digits of an official figure are anything other than 000, then the number is valueless.

In the national "who's to blame for the Chinese plague" poll, former prime monster Mr. T. B. Liar is getting a surprisingly healthy share of the votes.

"Former top school, current vipers' nest of the cancel culture". How much simpler it was when we could still refer to the school as just Eaten College.

Hella Vaklash, our language Xpert, reports:
The word 'clarity' has had to be retired from service temporarily for de-clichéfication following much abuse, particularly by politicians who were trying to get themselves noticed despite not having anything to offer to the cause of clarification.
   Normal Service will be resumed as and when.

The Spanish government hopes to achieve the magical herd immunity thing by the summer of next year.

Sir Kreepy Steamer's attempts to pretend that he would have got a better trade deal from the EbloodyU keep krashing into the buffers of kredibility.
   Sir Kreepy had a chance to count up the stubborn gits in his party, who were prepared to disobeyed his order to vote for the Boris Deal knowing that their 'nays to the left' votes will not make a blind bit of difference. Didn't take him long.

No surprise that Sir Kreepy reckons it's President Boris' fault that the obedient & chicken parts of the Labour party had to vote for the Brexit trade deal on offer.
“Typical bloody lawyer, ordering his cannon-fodder to vote for a deal which he condemned as NBG. Maybe the Pantz of Kontrol have shrunk in the wash and crushed his brains.” Hairy Wails

Lord Farage of the Garage? Or a knighthood at the very, very least? Time for President Boris to acknowledge that Brexit is Nige's success as much as anyone else's. And probably more.

Xperts are concluding that lockdowns actually encourage the spread of the plague by encouraging the coronavirus to mutate in response to new conditions—sometimes to a more contagious but less lethal form, which is the most effective way of maximizing the virus population.

The quality of today's coppers is so low that lotz of them don't know that putting diesel fuel into a petrol-driven car is a bad idea. Tens of thousands of pounds of taxpayers' cash are going down the drain in repair costs.

Today's Definition: Sloe-Eyed: She looks like she's had 2 double gins too many. <

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

page top

Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, December MM20 like anyone cares