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 WEEK 3 

A surfeit of windmills
bullet The BBC is hoping to abolish a perceived heteronominative culture, in which being heterosexual is considered the norm. Future initiatives are expected to tackle gravity, under which the default direction of falling is down; daylight, for which the norm is being able to see where you're going without artificial light; hunger, to which the default response is having something to eat, and anything else the looney left can think of. Apart from, of course, anything the looney left think is the norm.

bulletQ: Does Northern Ireland still get the £1 BILLION bonus for supporting the Tories if the DUP votes against the budget?
bulletA: It's highly likely that the province will get the lion's share of it, if not the whole lot, through some backstage deal.

50p coinGetting on a bit
bullet The 50p coin is now 50 years old, and smaller than it was in the good old days pre-decimalization. As with anything new, there were gangs of objectors who tried to kill off the idea of a metal replacement for the good old ten bob note.
ten bob note   One of the objections was that there would be some people around (e.g. MPs stoned out of their mind on subsidized booze) who wouldn't be to tell a larger, 7-sided coin from a smaller, round two-bob bit; or the 10p coin as it became in later life. Which totally ignores the fact that anyone who really couldn't tell the difference wasn't competent to handle money anyway.

Sounds like a good way to kill off surface mail
bullet The prime monster is making noises about getting postmen to chat up the elderly to find out if they're lonely and give them advice if they are. Next thing you know, the unions will be demanding huge pay rises for the social work addition to the job, people will stop using the Royal Mail and all the postal staff will end up redundant, at home and needing a postman to call round to ask if they're lonely;.

Far Queue symbol The Burger King fast-food chain has been named and shamed for naming and shaming staff who fail to persuade enough customers to upsize to large, obesity-promoting portions.

 WEEK 1 

If it wasn't for bad luck, he'd have no luck at all
bullet Who's the unluckiest guy in the world? Has to be that USAF pilot who crashed a $100M F-35 fighter in South Carolina last week. If they stop the cost of a new one out of his pay, the sucker is never going to be able to retire and his family will be bondage slaves for generations!

bulletPassOnPlastic Make a will and leave it to your kids!

Ooooh! I do hate you!
bullet Oh, dear! Boris Johnson gummed by P. Hammond, the Chancellor who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. Hammond's rant about Boris never becoming the Tory leader has to be a Blue on Blue effusion of sour grapes by someone who'll never even be considered for the job.
   Still, better out than in, as they say about such things.

Chancellor P. Hammond

"I can fake sincerity as
well as the next man."

Labour leader J. Corbyn

the next man . . .

Sneak attack?
bullet The Tory party has noted a sudden rise in new members, who will be eligible to vote in a leadership election. Which raises the spectre of Momentum members joining the Tories en masse to vote J. Corbyn into the leadership. Because, let's face it, that the only way of getting him into Downing Street!

1851, 1951, 2051 2022 – May gets Blair's Disease
bullet He had no grasp of history and anniversaries. Neither, it seems, does our current prime minister, who wants to ignore precedent and blow £120 MILLION of other people's money on another Festival of Britain thirty years early. And probably make it as dreary as New Labour's version of the Tory Millennium Dome idea.
reader comment“Why not let the bunch running H2S into the ground take charge of Mrs. May's Festival? That will ensure that it doesn't happen before 2051. Shame about it costing two billion quid, though.” S.W.
reader comment“Will there have to be a counter-Festival so that every grump-group in the diversity spectrum will be able to have somewhere to moan about how left out of things they feel?” J.V.

Another sneak attack? We're on to you, Comrade!
bullet Suspicion that the 'whale' currently swanning about in the lower reaches of the river Thames is a Russian spy submarine is growing. The whale has been parked in the same area off Gravesend for a week and shows no signs of wanting to move on to a normal whale habitat.

bullet Tax dodger Ronald Ho has been MeeToo'd.

Pretend paradise on offer
bullet Without private sector business, there would be no cash to hand to Labour's feckless clients. Which raises a few questions about how Labour will finance its latest next manifesto wheeze – a plan to nationalize everything and then put their 100% public-sector staff on a 4-day week but pay them for a 5-day week.

bullet In the good old days, kids went to school to learn to read, write and add up. But for the last 50 years, the Blob has been trying to teach them to hate the Tories. No wonder snoflakes kno nuffink and swallow the fake news on the www.
    [Brilliant job the Blob is doing if people still know they have to vote a Tory government in after Labour has trashed the economy yet again. Ed.]

Monstrous regiment on manoeuvres again
bullet CERN, the nuclear research centre near Geneva, has suspended an Italian professor for daring to point out that men invented physics and the currently fashionable diversity cult is being used to allow discrimination against able male scientists in favour of cosmetic women. Prof. Strumia says his conclusions are based on real research, including the work of other experts. But, as we all know, explaining how things are in the real world is no defence against diversity.
bullet No surprise; the Church of England is talking about installing a token women as Archbishop of York when the current incumbent retires in a couple of years' time.
reader comment“It's true, men did invent physics. Because women were too busy with domestic chores, child-rearing and earning a living to have the opportunity to get involved. And they didn't have access to the necessary educational training. Facts is facts, no matter how uncomfortable and inconvenient for the people who make a living out of rewriting history.” G.G.

bullet If you want a car which will talk back to you, tell you how bad your driving is and lie about the emissions coming out of it, head for BMW and be prepared to cough up £33,610.

bullet J. Hunt, the current Foreign Sec. has found that a good way to annoy the waxworks of the EU establishment is to compare their behaviour to that of the waxworks who ran the Soviet Union. They don't like it up 'em!
reader comment“If the EU isn't the Soviet Union, that's only a 'not yet' for its waxworks would dearly love to have that level of control and opportunity to steal shamelessly from the taxpayer.” A.J.

Doesn't add up
bullet We keep on hearing, usually from Bremoaners, that Boris Johnson could never lead the Tories because he's not a details man. But is it necessarily the leader's job to pick all the nits?
    The leader tackles the big picture. There are thousands of minions clustered around him at the taxpayer's expense to make it work. That's the way things are supposed to happen.

And now a word from a real Tory
reader comment“It's all very well for the prime minister and her Bremoaner apologists to tell us that B. Johnson had nothing new to say at his Tory fringe do, but he does have an act which people want to see. No one left his show early, as for the 'main events', which didn't have people standing in a queue going round the block to get in. And he does actually spread the real Tory message and beliefs.” R.M.

Brother Lee LoveLet it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
bullet The students' union at Manchester U. has banned them from clapping at events on diversity grounds. The union is worried that the noise could upset snoflakes of a nervous disposition. The world just gets sillier every day.
reader comment“If students have to wave their hands in the air instead of clapping; something which will have no impact on any blind members of the audience; might we see an explosion in the sales of BIG HANDS of the type worn by the late but still remembered Kenny Everett when he was doing Brother Lee Love in his best possible taste TV shows?” M.P.
update No surprise – the happy hands and no clapping lobby at Manchester U. are just boo-hoo bugger virtue seekers, a medical expert reckons. People with anxiety problems are not upset by people clapping.

Oh, no! We're doomed again!
bullet The latest from the Cash-Killer Tendency is an alarmist story that banknotes and coins are covered with deadly bacteria and we're all going to die horrible and painful deaths.
    When challenged, the CKT failed to come up with a convincing explanation of why the human race didn't die out when exposed to physical cash in grubbier times.

Promises, promises
bullet The Home Sec. is getting a lot of well deserved stick for promising to stick it to middle-aged coke sniffers, whom he blames for most of the crime in Britain, but with no obvious way of going about it.
   No use going to the nation's police farces. If they're not bothered about enforcing the laws relating to cannabis, then they're not likely to be arsed to do anything about coke.
   Politics of the gob has a huge down-side but politicians never seem to get that they will be affected by the blow-back.

Oh, no! We're doomed again! Again!
bullet An expert reckons that having a drink (that's one lousy drink) every day increases the risk of premature death by 20%. If you want to live forever, don't drink, is her message.
    Also in the 20% risk bracket are members of the MeeToo cult, who are 20% more likely to have a heart attack than normal people.

Dietary disaster
bullet Pensioners are being ordered to use butter when they make scrambled eggs to avoid malnutrition. But who in their right mind is going to want scrambled eggs not cooked in butter?

Leave means Leave Me 

Far Queue symbol The French Rat Protection League is up in arms over the war being waged in Paris against the 4 million non-human rats who live there. Something which has really got the RPL outraged is the installation of mini-guillotines in sewers. But the only real objection to the mini-guillotines appears to be their cost; each of them costs €300-450 per month to operate and service.

bullet The MeeToo cult is getting the blame for teenage boys sending each other rape jokes on antisocial meeja.

Far Queue symbol Canda has revoked the honorary citizenship awarded in 2007 to Burmese boss A.S.S. Kyi over her complicity in the genocide in the west of her country.
bullet The Burmese army still insists that it is just persuading illegal migrants from Bangladesh to go home.

Doomed to disappointment either way
bullet An insurance company has found that 56% of its grandparent customers have decided to take their money and enjoy it rather than leave it to their (grand)kids. Snoflakes see that as another reason to blame their elders for creating a world in which they can't cope.
    Being snoflakes, they can't grasp the simple truth that they will never see the money anyway. If their grandparents don't spend it on themselves, then the government will find ways to steal it and waste it on some damn fool notion like H2S.
reader comment“50% of millennials don't save, according to one of those surveys. Which explains why they are so reliant on an inheritance. A bit like the children of ancient aristocrats, who could get away with not paying anyone if they had great expectations following the death of their father.” G.W.

bulletQ: Are J.C. Druncker and D. Tusk really the same person?
bulletA: Druncker is from Luxembourg and he has been the president of the European Commission since 2014. Tusk is Polish and he's the president of the European Council. They are both failed politicians who have made a new career with a hand in the pocket of the Europeon taxpayer, and they are therefore interchangeable figureheads.

Who's not going sober for October?
Far Queue symbol EC president J.C. Druncker has to be one of them if he thinks British planes won't be allowed to land at airports in EU countries following a WTO Brexit.

Same gloom, slightly different tune
Far Queue symbol The global warming swindlers have changed their tune – they're telling gullible politicians that we're all doomed if we can't limit any rise in global temperatures to 1.5 deg.C rather than their earlier 'out of thin air' figure of 2 deg.C.
    Never forget, Comrades, that anyone who tells you he/she can make significant changes to the global climate is a fraudster who is out to steal money and quality of life from you.
reader comment“Okay, the truth is out. They've shoved in a decimal point because everyone knows that fiddled figures look much more scientific with one.” A.B.E.

Pests on different wheels
Far Queue symbol It's bad enough having to dodge yobs on bikes on the pavement. Pedestrians on the mainland of Europe is now plagued by an epidemic of shared electric scooters. The idea is similar to the Boris Bikes of London but there are no docking stations for the scooters. As a result, they are just dumped in everybody's way when the user has finished with them.
    Worse, in addition to yobs charging about recklessly on pavements, they also do it on main roads, hogging bus and taxi lanes and weaving in and out of traffic with gay abandon. Spain is having particular problems with the scooters, which were introduced there in 2014. Four years on, there are still no laws regulating their use and Barcelona has banned them in the interests of protecting its vital tourist trade from 'rear-ending'.

Be very afraid, you Snoflakes!
bullet One of the latest fads in the US is for oldies (60 and up) to buy infusions of plasma separated from the blood of youngies at a cost of $8,000 for a pint and a half.
    According to Drs. Frankenstein who have been experimenting on mice and fish, the younger plasma contains proteins which rejuvenate older specimens of the species concerned to some extent.
    If the idea takes off, millennials will have to put up with their seniors trying to live forever or until their cash runs out. And if there are not sufficient volunteers to meet the demand for full-of-pep blood, the world's police forces could find themselves having to deal with a plague of bodies of yobs who were disappeared, drained of blood and dumped. But not in Russia and other totalitarian states, of course, where preservation of waxworks is state policy.

bullet Surprise! MI5 has had authorization to kill, maim and torture enemies of the state since 1989 (if not earlier). Predictably, the people who make a living out of keeping terrorists out of gaol are upset by the threat to their livelihood.

Backs not scratched?
bullet Oh, dear! It's only the dark forces of the Security Service which are keeping Jezzer Corbyn out of Downing Street, according to one of the bosses of the nation's trade unions, which expect to do very nicely, thank you, out of any Labour government.
    But there could be an alternative theory about where the 'dark forces' are based. It's possible that a few honest coppers are conspiring to prevent a cosy money laundering scheme, under which a Labour government makes union membership compulsory for all, cash floods in to the unions' coffers and they reward their benefactors with eye-watering donations to Labour party funds.

More dark forces
bullet J.C. Druncker's understrapper, who's known as The Monster, is manoeuvring to split Northern Ireland out of the UK and hand it to the Irish Republic as part of Britain's punishment for daring to leave the EU. As the guy is German, could there also be a touch of revenge on the country which won the war which we're not supposed to mention?

bullet Barclays Bank is in trouble over the activities of its consumer lending division, which has been accused of involvement in high-pressure selling of unaffordable loans. Banksters are still with us.

bullet The (Chinese) president of Interpol has disappeared. It is suspected that he was lured back to China so that the government there could kidnap him. Sometimes, real life is too bizarre to believe.

bullet Robots in the classroom will give every pupil an Eton-level education within 15 years, the experts reckon. That's going to be really popular with the Blob and its anti-Tory agenda.

bullet The Prime Minister has revealed an unsuspected pragmatic streak. She has decided that the best way to make herself popular is to promise to spend lots of money the country doesn't have. After all, it works for J. Corbyn.

We don't want to know
bullet An opinion polling company has been busy in Scotland for the last few months, and their results suggest that politicians are wasting a lot of other people's money to no purpose [Surprise! Ed.]
    In June, 60% of Scots wanted to stay in the EU and 53% wanted to stay in the UK. Three months later, the numbers were exactly the same. The pollsters put this down to people choosing not to listen when politicians and special interest groups start banging on about something. The failure of Project Fear with its silly dire predictions is getting a lot of blame.
bullet Pollsters reckon the ratio of Leave to Bremain supporters is pretty much unchanged since the referendum in 2016 despite all the subsequent sound and fury.

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 WEEK 2 

Despair, Comrades!
bullet Oh, Jeremy Corbyn has gone soft on his Jezzer Gazm promise to put everyone on a 4-day week but pay us for 5 days' work. Just when the unions were getting ready to campaign for 5 days' pay for 3 days' work, too. Life is so unfair!

Good morning, I believe you have a skeleton in your closet
bullet Bild has doorstepped one of Adolf Hitler's great-nephews, who lives in the US? BFD! As the guy is only 68 years old, he is too young ever to have met the notorious member of the Hitler family and everything he knows about Great-uncle Addie is just hearsay. But newspapers do need something to go between the ads during the Silly Season.

Things can only get worser
bullet The police farces of England and Wales are on course to break the 2,000,000 barrier in the field of reported crimes which were ignored, official figures released by one-half of them have confirmed.

reader comment“Manchester U.'s students seem to be stuck in the spotlight. It will be interesting to see if the ones doing Al Jolson hands instead of clapping also black their faces to be even more authentic in their virtue-signalling gesture.”

bulletQ: How many Saudi secret agents does it take to torture, murder, dismember and disappear a dissident who was foolish enough to visit the regime's embassy in Istanbul?
bulletA: 15.

Things have got worser
bullet The disappeared Chinese president of Interpol has been obliged to resign from the job and he is now under investigation for bribery and corruption in China. Interpol has been careful to point out that the job of the president is purely cosmetic and it is the general secretary who does all the heavy lifting.

bullet No surprise that Petrov the Poisoner, who went to Salisbury on a murder mission in March, has been outed as a GRU agent called Mishkin. He's a doctor but being Russian, he's excused the Hippocratic Oath.

Far Queue symbol How desperate is the EU getting if it tries to pass off the drunken staggers of its EC president as something comparable to the elegant dance moves of our prime minister?

Far Queue symbol A response to the panic attack by the GWS on a junket in South Korea has been formulated: “Thank you for your input but we are perfectly happy to have a world which is a bit warmer and we can cope with it.”

bulletAre mental health problems in children really six times more common than they were at the end of the 1990s? A more likely explanation is that the 'experts', many self-proclaimed, are just better at creating labels for fugitive conditions.

Death Walks Behind You
bullet We need to be very afraid that the prime minister has created a Minister for Suicide. Why? Because civil servants, being naturally awkward sods, are bound to see the ministry's job as encouraging people to commit suicide. And they may even arrange some suicides if they feel that they are in danger of not receiving a productivity bonus because natural selection is not working fast enough.
reader comment“We need to be even more afraid as the Suicide Minister is on record as being against letting old people squat in homes which are too big for them. Worse, she doesn't think they should be allowed to pass the inheritance on their children, which makes her sound like a Corbynite infiltraitor rather than a proper Tory.”

bullet The German car industry has finally realized that the activities of the GWS and their carbon dioxide obsession are a threat to jobs; something that's even bigger than Brexit without a no-tariff deal with the UK. The Danes, however, have decided to splurge on the GWS agenda. One of their bright ideas is to make it illegal for homes built before 2000 to have a fireplace, and require anyone who buys such a property to rip it out.

bullet Category 4 Hurricane Michael is on course to become the strongest to hit the Florida Panhandle in recorded history. The official view on the second Wednesday of the month was that anyone who didn't evacuate had left it too late and it was time to hunker in their bunker. No doubt we shall get the leavings of the storm in due course. Mercifully, we shall be spared the 145 mph winds predicted around the hurricane's eye.

Shuffling deckchairs
bullet The NHS has removed waste disposal contracts from a firm which had to store body parts and other nasties because there isn't enough incinerator capacity in the country to destroy them.
    The NHS has awarded the contracts to another company, which won't be able to dispose of the stuff because there isn't enough incinerator capacity.
    There's stoopid, and there's public sector bureaucrap stoopid.

Hate! Hate! Hate!
bullet Crumbs! A British expert working in Washington reckons that there is so much hatred sloshing around in the United States that if the Democraps try to impeach President Trump, it will be 1861 all over again. [That's when the 2nd American civil war boiled over. Ed.]

History repeated
bullet Labour's appalling substitute chancellor has unveiled a new guiding principle for a future looney left government. "The greater the mess, the more reckless we need to be." Clearly, no one has told him that Gordon F. Broon has already tried this, and we all know the magnitude of the mess he left behind when he was shuffled out of office. But then, we know that no one, especially politicians, learns from the blunders of the past.

Right on, you real comrades!
bullet The Labour party requires its staff to identify with the poor by accepting jobs with limited hours and miserable rates of pay, and by using food banks to make ends meet. No virtue is ever left unsignalled.

More history repeated
bullet Is there no end to the ingenuity of motor manufacturers? Is there no end to their inability to get away with cheating? The latest scandal is the practice of fitting specially beefed up parts to vehicles used in mandatory crash tests. The latest failing is allowing parts labelled 'for crash testing only' to be photographed.

Far Queue symbol Bloke with a K who isn't going to have it removed for rank cowardice of the month — C. Mackey, current deputy commissioner of the police of the Metropolis, who cowered in his car whilst a junior officer was being murdered at the Commons by a crazed Islamist.
update Predictably, the waxworks of the Establishment are closing ranks about the shamed top copper and claiming that the rules and expectations for being a copper don't apply to him.

Whxt Thx Fxck? Job done!
bullet How do you upset both women and men who think they're women? The Wellcome Collection, a museum in London, managed to do it by inventing the word 'womxn' for its website in the interests of inclusivity.

Your fault, you pay
bullet A boss of NHS England has come up with an interesting idea for sticking it to those who are to blame. As antisocial meeja companies cause mental health problems in children, they should be taxed to pay for the NHS treatment needed, our expert has concluded.

Dream on . . .
bullet The experts want everyone to be chucked out of their home for two weeks while the place is fitted with external insulating cladding (remember Grenfell Tower?) and all gas fires, cookers and central heating boilers are ripped out and scrapped.
    All this is in the name of cutting carbon dioxide emissions as required by the Climate Change Act (2008), for which Edstone Milipede is to blame. All this is utterly pointless in view of the HUGE amounts of carbon dioxide emitted in the Orient.
    There are two small snags associated with this brilliant plan — how is the country going to be able to afford it? And are the owners going to be able to afford to live in the revamped homes after they have been fettled up? Three small snags — are there enough cowboys qualified to do the work?
reader comment“Four small snags — Is there enough local secure storage capacity for the entire contents of all these houses? Or are the residents expected to leave all their worldly goods at the mercy of the cowboys sent round by the government to do the eco-refit?” S.E.
reader comment“Never mind the stuff, are there enough places to stay for all the displaced persons during their 2-week enforced holiday? And will they stand for being parted from their TVs, pay TV satellite and cable contracts, and their internet connections? And what about all the stuff in all those fridges which won't keep for 2 weeks?” V.B.

bullet A study by Ofcom, the TV regulator, has found that viewers have become significantly more po-faced and humourless than they were in the prime years of TV comedy some 40-50 years ago.

Here & Gone
bullet Apparently, President Trump visited Britain earlier in the year. The reason why hardly anyone noticed is that the visit coincided with the World Cup and various music festivals.
    Oh, yes. And the nation's police farces spent £18,000,000 on security for the visit. [Mainly on locking up trouble-makers? Ed.]

Aptly named
Far Queue symbol A teacher in Minnesota is in trouble for posting an online death threat to the newly appointed US Supreme Court judge, B. Kavanaugh, for the Twits on Twitter. Apparently, her spelling was dreadful. A poll found that around 60% of American independents disapproved of the way the Democraps handled their smear campaign of the Republican judge, which came as something of a shock to the Democraps. They have also managed to upset the FBI with accusations of an incompetent investigation of the judge.

Far Queue symbol President Trump has blamed the Federal Reserve Bank's crazy policy on interest rates for the stock market's nose dive.

Big and brash
Far Queue symbol Hurricane Michael's fans are really building it up. It barely qualified as a hurricane on the Tuesday before it made landfall in the southern US with winds of 90 mph. Less than 33 hours later, the wind speed had been ramped up to 155 mph. No doubt the GWS are rubbing their hands over the 72% increase in wind speed and claiming that we're all even more doomed. Meanwhile, we'll have to wait to see if the Guinness Book of Records includes Michael in a future edition.

Below the line mission statement: We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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