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 2018/August 
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In case you hadn't noticed, it's the SILLY SEASON

Let us dedicate this month to J. Corbyn, MP. “He was present in Parliament but never actually involved.”
reader comment“And the tragedy is, there are lots more like him, especially in the House of Frauds.”

Oh, Jeremy Corbyn, what can you do?
The Jews are out to get you and you're really in a stew!
Ditch your training courses in anti-Semitism,
Then accuse your enemies of confecting schism.

 WEEK 3 

 
Don't bother us
police helmet If you're an orphan, the best place to go shoplifting is Cornwall, where the local police are not interested in thefts from shops and stores, especially if the amount involved is less than £200.
    Instead of attending such cases, the cops just advise the victim of the crime to phone the thief's parents.

bullet The motorway bridge collapse in Genoa is being blamed on 'a structural weakness', which is the usual code for the Mafia put too many bodies in the concrete.
bullet [The bridge was allegedly built on the cheap by cowboy firms set up to front for Italian organized crime and for use as vehicles for money laundering with the enthusiastic co-operation of the then Italian government. Ed.]

Those sneaky Frogs, at it again
bullet A French-born aristo reckons that the French government swindled his family out of the line of succession to the throne of Monaco in 1924 and he plans to sue the crooked French government for €351 million in damages. How he decided on this particular sum has not been revealed.
    L. de Causans does not hold the current leader of the principality, his cousin Prince Albert, in any way responsible for the French government's sleight of hand for political reasons. It is therefore unlikely that M. Grimaldi would be thrown in gaol should M. de Causans win his case.

Putin in a claim
bullet Our MPs are worried that the Russians are taking over the Arctic by stealth. They think that the man behind the man-made global warming there is Vlad the Putin.
    His agenda is to build military bases in thawed areas, including submarine bases, and to defy anyone else to be a buttinski when his gang starts to exploit the natural resources under his annexed areas.
    Some of our MPs are worried that Britain won't be able to grab anything out of the Arctic because the Russians will establish a monopoly there. Quite what the MPs can do about it remains unclear.
    But what is perfectly clear is that there are lots of other things that the MPs could spend time and our money on, which might just yield something useful for the British taxpayer.

reader comment“Stock prices down everywhere and house prices down here. No sign of any decline in the price of drugs, though. Crime pays; it really does!” A.C.

reader comment“Gordon F. Broon has refused to endorse Crazy Corby as a fit and proper person to be the country's leader. Big deal. What does he know about anything other than driving his country into the depths of a HUGE Brown Hole of debt?” G.O.

Creative accounting
bullet Maybe they ought to make Jezzer Corbyn the next Chancellor of the Exchequer if he can spend two nights at a £1,700 per night 5-star hotel in Tunisia without exceeding the £660 limit on declaring jollies.

Just doing their job
spy The boo-hoo buggers at the EU are accusing MI6 of bugging their Brexit machinations. But so what if it's true? After all, it is the job of the Secret Intelligence Service to monitor the activities of Britain's enemies and sabotage them if appropriate.
    The SIS would be failing in its duty if it didn't keep track of what the Barnier Mob is up to and slip the odd spanner into the works by letting them know there are things they just won't get away with.

bullet Austria has raised the bar for asylum seekers who claim that they are fleeing persecution for being homosexual. If they don't look and act the part, no asylum.

bullet Newspapers across America are being urged to exercise their constitutional right to publish fake news about President Trump if they don't like him. The Boston Globe is leading the charge in defence of "a dirty war conducted by the free press" against the Trump administration. But what else can one expect of a newspaper operating in a city which embraces Irish terrorists and their sympathizers as enthusiastically as President Corbyn of Labour embraces Palestinian resistance fighters.

Blowing smoke
bullet They call it the Commons science and technology committee, but if it falls for tobacco industry lobbying on e-cigarettes and tells us that really, they're perfectly safe, that proves it's just a bunch of duffers with ideas of their own competence well above the actualité

Sneak attack?
bullet The bosses at evil-mongering Gooble are outraged that over 1,000 employees dared to sign a letter of protest against the company's top-secret Project Dragonfly, which is aimed at enabling Gooble to comply with the Chinese government's censorship requirements as a condition for operating its search engine there.
bullet Most of the employees found out about the scheme via meeja reports rather than from using the Gooble search engine in places where (allegedly) there is no censorship.

Überhyperbole
bullet Okay, it's the Silly Season, but replacement Foreign Sec. J. Hunt needs to be sent back to the Health Dept. for some medical attention if he thinks that the UK will regret a no-deal Brexit for generations.
    Are we really expected to believe that the nation will go into mourning for a century or so if the number of generations reaches three? Sounds like Mr. Hunt is as delusional as his namesake, the Laour leader.

Moveable feast
bullet The country's 10 worst gaols are to get body scanners and sniffer dogs to combat the contraband problem. Might work for a while. Until the Worst in the Land status moves to 10 other gaols. Better make those scanners portable, chaps!

bullet Claim that Upsakirting is your hobby and you won't be sent to gaol for it. Yes, it's true!

Got wood!
bullet A Norwegian firm has come up with a way to turn waste wood into food-grade cellulose, which can be used as a fat substitute in anything needing a "smooth, creamy mouthfeel".
    Potential targets include sauces, ice cream, protein drinks, cakes and processed meat products such as sausages and pies. Colour, flavour and texture of the original product are not sacrificed.
    This wonder additive is dietary fibre without calories, and something which can be made compulsory for fatties to eat; especially primary school kids who have developed type 2 diabetes; before their combined weight sinks the British Isles.

There May be trouble ahead
bullet Nigel Farage, sometime and oft UKIP leader, is to return to the front line of politics to campaign against the Prime Minister's Chequers Brexit sell-out. He aims to use the truth to teach the political class a lesson which they will never forget by exposing their lies and evasions.

reader commentMugs Welcome! or the psychology of truth in advertising: We'll buy your car. Sure, you might get ripped off by a miserable offer but we won't mind.”

reader comment“Attention CFL: Unity is strength.”

Diversity is . . .

bulletDefinitions for Today: 'A better poll' — one which has been run with the aim of providing aid and comfort to the Remoaner cause.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

 WEEK 1 

 
Headers, you lose
bullet The Department of Safety in Sports is recommending that all women footballers should wear a helmet as heading a football is more dangerous for them than for men and more likely to give them dementia in later life.
    Research is under way to find out if a spring-loaded neck-brace, suitably lightweight, can be added to reduce the force of the impact with the ball on the player's neck.

Back to the Drawing Board
bullet How does one steal a shark from an aquarium? A gang of fish-raiders tried to liberate one from the San Antonio Aquarium by wrapping the shark in a blanket and shoving it in a pram. One of the BGs actually got the shark all the way home but they were on CCTV and the cops busted them.

bullet Putting snoooping/smart meters in the homes of customers costs £40 a customer, British Gas has calculated. Guess who's going to end up paying that, one way or another.

Expert opinion
bullet Finally, the truth is out. The BBC won't show repeats of Monty Python's because it's too funny and it would show up the pathetically unfunny rubbish which passes for the Beeb's current run of ‘comedy' shows. This is the conclusion of comedy expert J. Cleese, who knows a thing or two about such matters.

Flim & Flam
bullet Surprise! North Korea is still building new missles at its secret missle plants, American spy satellites have found. On second thoughts, no surprise as NK is only ‘working towards' deweaponization, not actually doing it.

bulletThe UK's nett tax bill for EU membership went up by 9% last year to £9 Billion after discounts.

The earl must be revolving in his mauseoleum
bullet The sandwich trade will tumble into bankruptcy following a no-deal Brexit, according to the British Sandwich Fear Factory's mouthpiece. Fresh ingredients will become impossible to obtain, the BSFF reckons. Not something whick is likely to impress consumers of the good old British Chip Butty.

Not so old iron
bullet Go fishing in a canal with a magnet and the haul can include all sorts of lethal weapons; knives and even sub-machineguns, if you know where to look.
    This interesting hobby can lead to interesting encounters with the police [On very rare occasions. Ed.] "Actually, officer, I trawled this gun out of the canal and I was taking it to an expert to find out if it's real or a replica."

Money for nothing
bullet Labour is promising everyone a life of ease the next time the nation is foolish enough to vote the party into office. The plan is to extend the Blair/Brown attempt to put all Labour supporters on benefits by applying this to everyone.
    Monthly payments to qualifying adults from the Universal Basic Income Fund will cost the nation £280 BILLION per year, which means that all income will go directly to the state rather than into the individual banks accounts, or hip pockets, of employees. The fund will then be doled out to the nation's Labour clients in proportion to the amount of love which the recipient expresses toward J. Corbyn.
reader comment“The thought of the BBC's overpaid luvvies having to exist on the UBI of £6.2K instead of hundreds of thousands of pounds of licencepayers' cash makes this idea sound almost desirable.”
reader comment“No doubt Corbyn and his chums will find a way to wriggle out of it, though.”

Think ‘wheels' and ‘coming off'
bullet During the 2016 Brexit referendum campaigns, the Bankster Lobby claimed that 200,000 jobs would go in the industry. This claim has now been downgraded to 5,000-13,000 jobs ‘at risk'. No mention is made by the Lobby of the 14,000 new banking jobs created since 2016.

Virtue flags flying
bullet What is the point of an inquiry into British complicity in torture during the war on terror? Will it put the likes of Tony B. Liar and Jack Straw in gaol? No, it will just shove vast amounts of taxpayers' cash into the pockets of the legal trade and achieve absolutely nothing.

Not bothered, mate
bullet All sorts of horror stories about Europe's heat wave are being thrust at us. But if you're living somewhere where it has been cloudy and okay, and a bit chilly at times, like Romiley, it's difficult to relate to them.
    And our hosepipe ban has been cancelled; due to reduced consumption by the customers rather than the failure of United Utilities to collect the wrong type of rain.
bullet The medical trade in Britain is going on about thousands of heat-wave-related deaths. Not anywhere that matters, mate! And your actual Office of National Sadistics has announced that the claim is unsupportable, so deeply undermined.

Far Queue symbol Everyone seems to be keeping remarkably quiet about Russia's involvement in rigging the recent general and presidential elections in Zimbabwe. But maybe they're just saving that for after the squabbling locals run out of steam.

Losing the battle with unwanted migrants
bullet The Canadian people are convinced that the number of illegal migrants walking across the border with the United States is way too high. This perception is not helped by the Liberal government's claims that the numbers are going down. People won't believe what prime minster J. Trudeau tells them. Worse, from his point of view, they are more likely to believe what his Conservative opponent tells them.

bullet The police in Denmark have started to enforce the country's burqa ban. Anyone caught in a public place, e.g. a supermarket, wearing a face mask is now liable to a fine of €150 for Objectionable Conduct.
reader comment“Boris Johnson is dead right. They do look like bank robbers.”
reader comment“Boris pushes Silly Season Button.”

bullet Is the food industry bent? Well, some 1,700 tons of Manuka honey are produced in New Zealand during an average year but 10,000 tons of stuff labelled as Manuka end up in real shops and online ones.

Whither (wither?) Jezzer
bullet Wow, gosh! Is J. Corbyn actually showing true leadership by sticking his hands in his pockets and not getting involved in the latest Labour hoop-jumping contest?
    Not climbing into the pocket of the IHRA, a vested and panted interest if ever there was one, and not being fazed by the shrieks of the appalling and disgraceful M. Hodge, show that J.C. is either his own man with principles or a political drifter who'll park in any poisoned backwater which makes him welcome.
    It would be nice to know for sure which is which, but we can guess.
reader comment“Can't see Corbyn being too bothered by this anti-Semitism thing. He's quite at home in the company of extremists. Usually of the gun-toting and bomb-exploding variety. So he'll know how to handle the Advocates of Israel lobby.” T.B.
reader comment“Corbyn trying to compromise with the Jewish lobby looks exactly like our PM trying to do the same with the EU — something that's never going to work for either party.” K.L.
reader comment“The notion of Labour being lost in a vortex of eternal shame is quite ludicrous. But all praise to the deputy leader's scriptrotter for giving us a bit of a laugh.
    “Corbyn is a politician, like his deputy, and has no shame by definition. His Momentum fanatics are playing politics and have no shame. Everyone tainted by the Blair/Brown era has proved that they have no shame. And the people who vote Labour do so only in the hope of getting a hand-out from the state, so not much shame there either.” G.B.

By no means browned off
bullet 'Garden to make you green with envy' said the newspaper headline. Not here, it won't. Romiley's gardens remain green — especially the grass growning between paving stones and weeds sprouting in other unauthorized areas.

bulletQ: What do you do if you're the president of Venezuela (thanks to a crooked election) and everyone (except Jezzer Corbyn) hates you?
bulletA: Stage a phoney assassination attempt using drones and round up more of the annoying usual suspects.

Will there be enough ice cream to go round?
bullet The Warmists are now promising runaway global warming, a Hothouse Earth, sea levels rising by 60 metres (no threat to Romiley and it will make going to the seaside a bit quicker) and parts of the planet will be uninhabitable.
    No change there, we already have uninhabitable bits like trackless deserts, impenetrable jungle and frozen wildernesses, so nothing to panic about.

Will there be enough diplomatic chill to go round?
police helmet The British police have identified two of the Russians who were involved in the Novichok chemical warfare attacks in March, and the fallout four months later.
    As we do not have an extradition treaty with the Putinocracy, which wouldn't surrender its killers anyway, the police are expecting the same level of success as they achieved with the Putin stooges who murdered A. Litvinyenko in 2006 and left a radioactive trail right across Europe. [One is now an MP, which says a lot about the standards expected of Russia's politicians. Ed.]
    Looking on the bright side, if the Putinocracy doesn't cough up its killers, that will save us the cost of a trial and of putting them behind bars for a token couple of years.

Stoke up the Thatcher Cupboard!
bullet Britain will starve in the event of a no-deal Brexit, the National Farmers' Union would have us believe. But are we really going to swallow the required conclusion that all the businesses on mainland Europe which sell food to Britain will stop doing it on Brexit day and bugger the state of their finances?
    Just how daft does the NFU think we are?

How will we spot the difference?
bullet The police are joining in Project Fright, saying that no Brit will be safe, here or on the European mainland, if there is a 'no deal' Brexit. News flash: no one is safe now, given the useless state of the police and the Can't Prosecute Service, and dotty old judges making up their own rules in court.

 WEEK 2 

 
Cashing in on Xmas
bullet Terrorist leader G. Adams is getting ready to divulge the secrets of his kitchen in a new cookbook for the Festering Season. Which means that the nation needs to brace itself for IRA Pie as an alternative to turkey and a Bombe Surprise dessert which will blow more than your socks off.

Conspiracy theory No. 42
bullet His enemies would like everyone to believe that President Trump in is Putin's pocket, but is there a much more dangerous Fifth Columnist closer to home; in the person of our own, dear Prime Monster?
    She's running down Britain's armed forces, doing her best to keep Britain inside the EU in all but name and giving the United States the cold shoulder at every opportunity. Which is exactly what you'd expect of Putin's Principle Agent, Spy & Saboteur in Europe.

Law & Disorder in France
bullet What happens when a bar owner decides to put a stop to the time-dishonoured practice of the cops eating for free in his establishment? The owner of a bar in Le Bourget found that the first step is that the cops try to fit you up for drug trafficking and prostitution. And if that fails, the Police Commissioner and his heavy mob crash in and make the unfortunate bar owner kiss the boss's boots to make him realize who's in charge.
    Unfortunately for the Commish, the bar owner had installed an extensive network of CCTV cameras to sabotage police attempt to plant evidence and fit him up. And he was able to back up an official complaint against the Commish with abundant evidence of police misconduct.
    Nice to know that there are stupid cops all over the place rather than just in Britain.

bullet The authorities in Switzerland are having a hell of a job protecting the nation's fish from the European heatwave. The measures include moving fish to cooler water, actually fanning bodies of water to reduce the temperature, and increasing the oxygen content of the water. Applying suntan cream has been tried but abandoned as fish tend to have slippery skin and it washes off.

Fire-swirl in DerbyshireComing to a theatre near you soon?
bullet A fire at a plastics factory in Derbyshire created a fire-swirl of heat and turbulent winds, offering spectators a view of a dramatic firenado.
    If someone can find a way to get some sharks into the mix, there's a super new idea for the makers of the Sharknado series of films to exploit!

bullet The left-wing education Blob is claiming that harder exams are driving snoflake pupils nuts and everyone should go back to the old system.
    This would mean that teachers didn't have to make an effort, kids din't have to learn nuffink and exam results would be massaged to make it look like the government and the Blob were doing a grand job.

A compromise of convenience
no swastikas Post-war regimes in (western) Germany went on an extended guilt trip and banned all mention of the Nazis and their symbols, such as SS runes and swastikas, which were deemed anti-constitutional. [hammer & sickle okay, though. Ed.]
    But there were exemptions for things which were classified as works of art, such as films, and historical and/or scientific research. Then along came video games. Which could be a source of a lot of tax revenue.
    And lo! they became works of art, too, and permissible in the former Fatherland even if they weren't Hakenkreutzfrei.

bullet Surprise! On the evidence of the record, the Corbynite pretenders, whom Labour has instead of real grandees, don't like burqas either!
reader comment“Boris is 100% right about burqas, and don't his mainly Bremoaner enemies hate it!”
reader comment“The thing about the burqua is that it's confusing. The person inside might be an oppressed woman and someone deserving of sympathy. Or it might be a religious fanatic, possibly dangerous, or even male and very dangerous and someone to be avoided at all costs.
    “It would be really helpful if all burqua wearers were required to be licenced by their local authority and issued with something like the old vehicle tax disc if they can be certified as 100% harmless. Then we'd know where we stand.”

Far Queue symbol Self-proclaimed burqha expert Lord Piccles has assured pub-goers that they are unlikely to have their 'object' button pressed as people wearing burqhas do not frequent pubs. Moslems used to be able to drink up to the end of the sixth century of our calendar but they were enjoying it too much and boozing was banned for them. [Not that the ban seems to mean all that much to large numbers of them. Ed.]

bullet No fake thruppeny bit pound coins have been reported since they replaced round pounds in October 2017. Which means either that there are no fakes (or very few of them) in circulation or that the quality of the fakes is superb.

bullet The best place to get your car stolen in the UK is the county of Essex.

Anything you want
bullet It's not just mobile phones and drugs which are being hurled over the walls of HM and private prisons. Gourmet foods, booze and cooking equipment also feature prominently on the list of deliveries. Which sounds like an excellent reason for surrounding all prisons with a crocodile-filled moat and adding defence towers with drone zappers.

bulletWarning to all customers: Don't get sick as NHS GPs and hospitals can't comp and they are not interested in new business.

Far Queue symbol No one can be surprised that Labour's shadow minister for wimmin has been outed for bullying her former constituency office manager and exposing the woman's BLT tendencies. The way things are in politics now, passing a hypocrisy test is looking like an essential first step to a foothold in this grubby trade.

bullet OFFICIAL! The best burqha joke is: "Don't ask Boris to post a letter for you."

You can bog off, too!
reader comment“After hearing the R. Davidson's contribution to the Burqha War, it's easy to agree with the proposition that the Tories should remain Ruthless.”

A Bond, not THE Bond
bullet Of the candidates on the meeja shortlist, Elba is the wrong ethnic type, Hardy looks too soft, Norton looks the part but he'll have to dye his hair black, Turner looks too common and lower-class, Huston is too Jack the Lad, Murphy looks too girly and Hiddleston looks too anxious.

Corby don't care
bullet He has his reputation as a friend of terrorists everywhere to think about, and if that involves putting wreaths on the graves of Palestinian terrorists done in by Israel's state-sponsored terrorists, S.O.B. it.
    It also helps to get him noticed by the news meeja as any publicity is publicity, and if it all happened in 2014, that's an indication of the desperation behind the urge to be noticed.
reader commentIt is anti-Semitic to compare the actions of the Israeli government with those of the Nazis even when the parallel is accurate. Doesn't sound like a rule compiled by an impartial rule-giver with no axe to grind.”

reader comment“Berko in a burqha. That's what the nation would really, really, really like to see.”
reader comment“The bercow is a symbol of Islamists' violent misogyny. Something to bear in mind when judging the worth of the people who are so keen to make women hide behind them.”

Civilization, but not as we know it, Jim
bullet Any doubts that civilization has yet to reach the Arab world? Then consider the case of the woman who was arrested in Dubai, allegedly for having consumed a glass of wine on her Emirates Airlines flight there, locked up with her 3-year-old daughter for three days, told she would have to wait a year for a court date and released only after the country's ruler banged some dickheads together to get the charges dropped.

bullet Attention Migrants: If you're a potential world chess champion, you can stay. If you're not and you're just a potential drag on the British taxpayer, you can bugger off. This is the official government position.

reader comment“There's no moderation where the French are concerned. They're either running for their lives from massive wildfires or having to be rescued from flash floods.” E.M.

reader comment“D. Lammy, MP (Labour), thinks that a white man can't (or should not be allowed to) define what racism is. Which doesn't say much for the intelligence, or the value to the electorate, of non-white MPs like Mr. Lammy.” B.A.

Mildly ruffled waters
bullet You can tell it's the silly season by the number of storms raging in matchboxes.
    The Tory wets and Remoaners are on Boris's case over his dislike of the burcow, the chief Tory wet (party chairman B. Lewis) is being gummed over breaking a pairing arrangement on a tight vote (something which goes on all the time) and Creepy Corbyn is getting the benefit of a jolly to Tunisia made 4 years ago.
    How reassuring it is to know that nothing vital is going on in the world.

reader comment“Housing shortage? What we need is an action replay of the Black Death to reduce the world's population by one-third and make things manageable again.” D.F.

Dumbing level
bullet Schoolkids might be facing harder exams but the pass mark is being dropped to keep the number of kids getting good grades the same as for previous years.
    That's why politicians should never be allowed anywhere near education. Any more than the lefty Blob, of course.

reader comment“What do Boris's enemies have in common? The ease newspaper columnists have in trawling up evidence to prove that they are hypocrites and rotters.” W.S.

Lateral thinking
bullet What can you do with a 10-year-old kid who weighs 17 stones, despite being only five-foot one tall, and has a mother who knows she's over-feeding him and lets him lock himself in his room to binge on crisps, chocolate and other goodies?
    A chastity belt for his head and mouth would work!
reader comment“So would taking the lock off the door on the kid's room and putting it on the food cupboard." D.S.

reader comment“Extremists cherry picking atrocities in a game of Boot The Corbyn, a.k.a. moral highgroundship. Definitely Silly Season fodder." F.K.

 WEEK 4 

 
TBA

 WEEK 5 

 
TBA


Below the line mission statement: We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, August MM18.