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 WEEK 1      

von der Leyen wanted posterFar Queue symbolWho needs enemies when you've got the EFU, France and the Irish Republic camped right next to your doorstep?
reader comment“Not to mention Wee Beesom & the SNP camped north of Hadrian's Wall.” Doshan Swede Anya

Far Queue symbol The French government is trying to make it illegal for people to film police officers assaulting members of the public in such a way that the police officer can be identified and held to account for a criminal assault. Looks like all them heads were chopped off in vain.

marker Everyone leaving Britain from now on will need a note from their mother assuring the rest of the world that the journey is vital.

markerOptions are available
A staycation away from home @ Easter will cost around three times last year's price to create cash flow for the struggling hospitality industry. A stay@homecation is definitely something to consider.

bulletQ: What are the consequences of yelling for help when an elderly TV personality decides that his hire car's engine isn't making any noise?
bulletA: Endless derision after he's told it's an electric car and the engine is running okay.

bulletQ: Should there be a memorial in Britain for atrocities committed abroad?
bulletA: If there is no British connection, the memorial belongs where the atrocity/genocide occurred.

Bagn!markerFixed-price penalty tickets @ the ready?
The Untied States of Fredonia has declared its 6 lunar landing sites to be space heritage zones and banned visitors to the Moon from going anywhere near where Apollos 11, 12 & 14-17 deposited their landers.
   Lacking any means of enforcement, this is seen as a rather pointless gesture and alien visitors will be able to claim a complete lack of 'Keep Off' signs in a language they knew.

update Further to previous comments about NS&I: The management wishes it to be known that NS&I has a robust exception policy ensuring it is able to meet the needs of its digitally Xcluded (Premium Bond prize-winning) customers.
   But all the evidence suggests that NS&I Knut B. Arsed to apply it.

reader comment“Ed 'he's talking' Balls could have been prime monster right now, I read. Right. And the Ayatollah Bunchacommies could have become the boss of The Universe.” Griff Ektal

reader comment“Nice to see that Germany is as ambivalent about the EbloodyU as we are. Germans in the EU management structure are jack-booting around, demanding we surrender vaccine produced here. Meanwhile, their newspapers are pointing out that the way that same management is handling the plague crisis proves that Brexit was a brilliant idea.” Shim Errman

bulletQ: Is anyone surprised that the HongKong & Shanghai Bank for Criminals is in the pocket of the Chinese regime in Peking as demonstrated by its freezing of bank accounts belonging to democracy campaigners in Honkers?
bulletA: Nope.

markerbullet The head of the world's biggest savings fund reckons that the Chinese plague has been a godsend to the global warming fraudsters. The need for virtue signalling, no matter how pointless, has never been greater and people seem to have lots of surplus cash to splash around.

reader comment“It must be hell, working in a small vaccination centre with 3 or 4 treatment stations. The smooth, easily cleaned walls reflect rather than absorb sounds, which just bounce around & around and fill the room with a cacophony of sheer bloody noise. The people who work here day after day actually are heroes.” Tawny Curtin

Far Queue symbol Predictably, the BBC is in trouble for claiming a dead IRA terrorist was a member of a legitimate military organization rather than a criminal gang.
   They just don't bloody get it.

Waste on a mega-scale
What will an inquiry into the government's handling of the Chinese plague epidemic achieve?
   It will push millions of pounds of taxpayer's money, which could be spent better elsewhere, into the pockets of lawyers, who will be trying to create a climate in which people will feel entitled to sue for compenbloodysation and shove even more cash into the pockets of the legal trade whilst impoverishing the taxpayer.
   The inquiry will drag on for 1-2 years, or even more, and eventually provide a string of recommendations, few of which will apply to the next national crisis, which will be something new & completely different.
reader comment“The compenbloodysation lawyers should be told: 'If you don't show clear & direct evidence of malice, fuck off, you parasite!' That's the only way to treat them.” Nibble Hodnut

bulletQ: Who should pay for vaccinating the population of The Planet against the Chinese plague?
bulletA: China. But they won't, you can be damn sure of that.

marker The government's bean counters have set a target for confecting 150,000 plague deaths before the pandemic is declared over or controllable.

markerMixed message
The MP N. Dorries, currently minister for mental 'elf, has been accused of taking leave of her senses for telling the nation that it's rude to notice that fat people are fat and they are in danger of becoming an endangered species thanks to the Chinese plague, which targets o'besity.

Far Queue symbol The High Court has ruled that the Labour party was entitled to cancel its former führer, O.J. Corbynstein, for anti-semmitism and he's not a god.

Kreepy pantsbullet Sir Kreepy Steamer seems to be on a permanent self-isolation skive. A grateful nation rejoices.
reader comment“It would rejoice even more if some patriotic citizen sabotaged the pedantic booby's broadband connection.” Robbi Nud

cross symbol Luvvie actresses are seeking a comprehensive ban on reviewers being able to notice that they looked like a bad drag act in their latest film.

markerNo end to the daftness
The latest work of fan fiction about a Fredonian president claims that D. Trump has been working for the Russians for the last 40 years. The next question is whether there will be a film or TV series of the book. Probably the latter, if cinemas have to remain closed to reduce the spread of the Chinese plague.
writer comment“The book invites us to believe that the Putinstanis and the FKPD are so useless that they let the Democraps swindle them out of another election victory for Mr. Trump last year. Which does actually have the ring of truth. But anyway, if the author of the book ends up in hospital being treated for a dose of novichok, we'll know who got the hump over his efforts.” L.G.R.

eyes The people who make a living out of chasing wildlife in Scotland, or study it as a hobby, are worried that climate change will drive their barn owls south to the more clement climes of northern England.

reader comment“Would anyone have done better than President Boris @ handling the Chinese plague? Certainly not O.J. Corbynstein or Sir Kreepy. Especially as they would have had to deal with the same wonky crew of Xperts and the numbskulls running the NHS and Public Health England. Not to mention being in charge of a nation of fat, old customers, who were easy prey for the Chinese nasty. And Boris did do us the enormous favour of getting us out of the EFU's shambolic vaccination programme.” R.W.

marker Rhinos will soon be Xtinct in Africa if the regimes there continue to allow poaching @ the current scale.

1st class stampreader comment“That Sir Captain Tom Moore seems to have been a real character. R.I.P., mate.” G.B.

bulletQ: Is it a good idea to hand out tea and coffee to people waiting in a queue outdoors for a shot of a plague vaccine?
bulletA: Not if the queue is 3 hours long and there are no public toilets available.

reader comment“Vaccination was well organized here when I got my shot, even though I had to trail a couple of miles from backwater Romiley to Bredbury, the busy metropolis next door. I arrived 5 minutes before the appointment time, small queue in the car park but it wasn't raining, off home 10 minutes after the appointment time. No three-hour wait outdoors in the freezing cold. All very painless.” Otto Better

skull 2 
Let us not forget that the best protection against a dose of the Chinese plague is to avoid going anywhere near someone who has it!

Wee BurneybulletQ: How do you prosecute people intentionally, maliciously and without evidence, costing the taxpayer millions of pounds in compensation for malpractice, and just walk away from your crime?
bulletA: Be the Scottish Crown Office and Police Scotland.
reader comment“In Wee Burney Moanalot's judicial banana republic, refusals to supply information to those entitled to receive it, foot-dragging and wipe-out redaction are the rule.” Covid Impert

bulletQ: What do you do when your party wins just 6% of the votes in a national election?
bulletA: If you're the Burmese army, stage a military coup and shove your grovelling apologist, A.S.S. Kyi, back in gaol.

markerSideways admission
The Chinese government is telling its visiting WHO friends that the live animal market in Wuhan, now completely sterilized from top to bottom, wasn't the source of the current global pandemic.
   Which means what? That it's true after all that a strain of the coronavirus that the Chinese were working on in their bioweapons lab in Wuhan was allowed to escape through sloppy biosecurity?

Wee Burney MoanalotbulletQ: Are there no depths to which Wee Burney Sturgeon will not sink to ingratiate herself with the EFU's kommissars?
bulletA: Apparently not.

Far Queue symbol The luvvie lobby reckons that the best the world has to offer in the way of wimmin of Xcellence is Hillarious Clinton, Wee Burney & Greenhouse Grotter. Gord 'elp us!

bulletQ: How does a rogue regime obtain US & UK vaccines after banning them?
bulletA: Iran is using its procurement office in India.

markerHow sad can you get?
The Xperts reckon that knock-knock jokes are going Xtinct because snoflakes under the age of 30 can handle only pictorial gags and the spoken word has little impact on them, humourwise.

Stay at home A government 'Stay Home' plague message has been withdrawn from circulation after complaints about its highly objectionable content—images of females doing housework and caring for children.
   A mouthpiece for the monstrous regiment informed Sherri Scouse, our Society Xpert, that these are things no modern women do. It is now a crime against humanity to suggest that a woman should ever lift a finger to help out in a domestic setting. What are men for, anyway?
   President Boris is believed to have made a national apology video over the blunder but it was not released as too many people ended up rolling about on the floor, laughing like drains, at the previews.

Kerching! Organize a mass snowball fight for 200 people in a park in Leeds? Two Kerchings! of 10 grand, one apiece for the organizers. Plus anything else the participants can be done for, of course.

bulletQ: How do you get yourself to somewhere exotic, warm and sunny abroad?
bulletA: Claim you're an internet influencer going on an essential working trip to provide sunny content for locked-in fans to motivate them and prevent them from becoming 'elf mental cases. The police can't touch you

markerInvestigation Questions
Is a high death toll from the Chinese plague due to Britain's broken care system? Or is it due to people in Britain alone surviving to a great age, where they are particularly vulnerable to a coronavirus, as opposed to croaking at a much earlier age on the Europeon mainland?
   Is it due to people having the freedom and wealth to make themselves o'bese and more vulnerable to a coronavirus?
   Is it due to people not looking after their parents themselves and shipping them off to one of God's waiting rooms for their final years?
   Not alternatives that the not-so-great and the not-so-good and the looney left will want to hear when the legal trade feeding frenzy of the Grand Plague Inquisition opens.

Scary CarriebulletQ: Should we believe Sam Cam when she claims that Scary Carrie doesn't think she's the Boss of the Universe and that President Boris is her mere acolyte or accessory?
bulletA: Depends whether Sam Cam has looked into the Scary eyes and become just a serfigated and willing stooge.

tongueNose poked in
Tony B. Liar, who looks about 101 in newspaper photographs, is claiming that he's helping the government sort out the Chinese plague.
Translation: he's sending emails to various ministers and they're deleting them unread?

marker The RSPCA has been obliged to give up confecting prosecutions to avoid further bad publicity and loss of donations after some prosecutions were exposed as thinly disguised hate crimes.

bullet Switzerland is showing Europe the way ahead with an employee-free supermarket. Only customers who know what they're doing are allowed in, and they can't get out until everything has been scanned and paid for.

marker Researchers who were making a great living in Fredonia confecting fake news about President Trump are facing mass redundancies as no one is interested in reading garbage about Sleepy Joe.

first class stampreader comment“What is lacking in the world today? True grit. What do we have instead? Snoflakes whose instinct, on encountering adversity, is to quit, give up, blame someone else and demand compenbloodysation. No wonder The Planet can't wait for them to go Xtinct.” L.B.W. Johnson

reader comment“The thing about Mrs. Kyi of Burma is she likes to see good in everyone. So when her army applies a Chinese solution to inconvenient Moslems living next door to Bangladesh and starts slaughtering them, well, that's just soldiers doing what come naturally.” Harlotte Haw

marker Austria is to raise its Kerching! rate for not wearing a face mask by over 200% to 90 euron. And it has to be an FFP2 mask costing at least 3 quid [if you're really lucky, typically a fiver or more, Ed.], or the Kerching! resounds even higher.

Federal Instigation Agencyskull 2All hands to the pumps
The Capitol Caper last month is being billed as the FIA's biggest jamboree since 9/11. 12,000 confections and fit-ups by the middle of this month is the target. FIA offices coast to coast in Fredonia are working round the clock on the assignment.

bullet Students of Denglish will be interested to learn that 'lockdown' has been voted the official Anglicism of the Year in Germany. And we're only one lousy month in to 2021.

tongue President MacRon of France has generated an optimum derision factor by setting himself up as an amateur Xpert on the effectiveness of various plague vaccines.
   Natch, Raging Ron reckons that the English one from Oxford doesn't work, but he still wants lotz of it.

first class stampOchen’ Splatny Kraposhch
reader comment“There can be no hard border between Northern Ireland and the Republic, no way, the EFU yelled during the Brexit negotions.
   “There can be a hard border if we want one, way, the EFU tells us now. [Or did before screeching into a U-turn a couple of hours later. Ed.] Translation—words mean whatever the EFU wants them to mean to suit the EFU's devious purpose of the moment. Maybe they ought to change the outfit's name to Wonderland.” Olly D'Eath

Far Queue symbol "Over-stuffed little haggis"—which Britisch politician could that possibly be?

bulletQ: What is a 100% guaranteed way to drive the nation's miserable gits into an absolute frenzy of rage 100% of the time?
bulletA: Be an influencer and stick cheerful stuff about sunny Dubai on anti-social meeja shamelessly.

Kreepy pantsmarkerCorporal Hindsight’s Big Bog-Up
Let us not forget that Sir Kreepy Steamer was outraged by the government and the Virus Tzar's decision to have nothing to do with the EFU's vaccination scam [which was, and is, a disaster. Ed.] along with every other looney left wonk in creation.
reader comment“No grovelling apology to the nation from the Wearer of the Pantz of Kontrol and the luvvie wonks who sided with him, of course. Just more irrelevant bleating about something different.” Jacq Pott
reader comment“I'm still trying to get my head round anyone treating Mrs. Ball-Cooper seriously even though she is the chairman of some committee or other @ the House of Common Criminals.” Mal Inkrodt

first class stampreader comment“If the plague strain found in the SE of England is called the Kent variant, why is the one detected in Nelson Mandela Bay in Sarf Efrica not called the Mandela strain?
   “Could that be rachelism in action and an attempt to avoid giving the BLAME Bunch a whingertunity?” Def Lator
reader comment“There seems to be a campaign afoot to get us pining for the Good Old Classic Covid instead of this really poisonous Mandela stuff from Sarf Efrica. Nostalgia ain't what it used to be!” Lou Wellin

bulletQ: If the Unite trade union claims its wonderful hotel & conference centre will cost the members £35 million (or is it just £7 million?), how close will the guess be?
bulletA: The current guess is £98 million, and that's not the end of it. The whole scam is out of control and where it will end up is in the lap of the Gods.
[Just don't mention all the arrests in Liverpool. Ed.]

marker Is there a coded message in using an actress who became noted for being a vampire to play Princess Di in another rehash royalish epic?

bullet A fast foodist chain is being sued in California for $3.6 million as compensation for selling 2 guys tuna sandwiches containing zero tuna, as confirmed by exhaustive laboratory analysis.
[Substituteway? Ed.]

bulletQ: What do you get if you form an unruly mob at an airport to prevent evil & vicious foreign criminals from being evicted to where they came from?
bulletA: Away with it, thanks to the Appeal Court gang.

markerDear do
Manchester Weekly News, Stockport Edition, is £1.55 'where sold'. And there are only 32 pages. Not a great deal compared to, say, 70p for 84 pages of the Daily Mail. But maybe all the copies are thrust through letterboxes for free and no one actually coughs up the £1.55.

first class stampreader comment“A runny nose—in winter when it's cold—could be a sign of the plague? How long is it going to be before just being able to breathe means you could have it?” Nikki Moanalot

reader comment“Spivs who arrive in the UK with a forged certificate for a negative plague test should get a Kerching! for the 10 grand penalty. That would make the buggers think once, never mind twice.” Harry Mond

Kreepy pantsreader comment“The big advantage of being the Wearer of the Pantz of Kontrol is you can put on your lawyerly face in your isolation bunker and come up with demands for things like the government should begin an urgent hotel building campaign so that the 20,000 or so people who arrive in the UK every day can be bunkered for 10 days.
   “No hint of where the cash to pay for it will come from, of course. Just Sir Kreepy droning on and on and pretending he lives in the real world and he's not just an R2 waste of space.” Brett Terbb
reader comment“Will the Kreepy Krew insist that all migrants who sail over here from France be returned there to serve 10 days in quarantine and get 3 genuinely negative plague tests before they're allowed to make their bogus asylum claim? That'll be the day.” Marla Goclub

touristbulletExplain this away
This year started with the coldest January since 2010, which was bloody cold. So much for gorbal bloody warming.

markerSmellyvision adapted
London's cosmetic mayor, Sadgeek the Feckless, is inviting tenders from chemical companies for a stink. When the Geek's monument @ the site of the foul-smelling Swampy's pit under Euston Road is completed, those passing by it will be treated to the most mind-blowingly malodorous mercaptan stench imaginable.

clownNever leave a good barrel unscraped
Oh, yeah! It had to happen! The fake news buggers are blaming the military coup in Burma on Donald Trump. No doubt the evidence confection industry has its production line working/wonking at full belt.
reader comment“Discarded Chancellor P. Hammond reckons that TheRazor May staged a Brexit Cabinet coup on the Bremoaners in 2016. No doubt The Donald is getting that blame for that one, too.” Monar Kist
reader comment“How come the world gets on the case of the Burmese army for sticking their chum Mrs. Kyi in gaol but ignores the fate of Gospodin Navalny in Putinstan? No nukes in Burma, I guess.” Win Stecan

tick symbol Modern Applied Maths:
If 72 county lines drug dealers are locked up for 221 years, how many have to be gaoled to confect a meaningless total of 500 years?

markerHow petty can you get?
The EFU (phuuuurt!) is refusing to recognize British blue disk disabled parking badges. The UK (cheers, cheers) is still observing theirs because we're okay and the EFU ain't.

markerLicence fee grab warning
The boss of the BBC reckons his meeja services are worth twice what NeatFlix charges, which means that the bugger is after a licence fee of £66.67 per month.
update The bugger is now claiming the Beeb is worth three times the NeatFlix subscription. He is now being challenged to cancel the BBC licence fee and see how many people cough up hard cash for what's on offer from the Beeb.

Far Queue symbol Not much national solidarity in Germany when the chips are down. The vice-chancellor there, who was against making Mrs. Leyen the head of the Europeon Commission, is raging that she was a disaster as German defence minister and she's the world's biggest screw-up in her current job.

first class stampreader comment“If we can't rely on the EU to play fair @ the best of times, it is criminally stupid to expect them to do it @ the worst of times.” R.W.

Far Queue symbol Leyen Fact 1: When she was the defence minister, the German army was reduced to a Dad's Army clone with troops using broom sticks instead of guns in training exercises.
Far Queue symbol Leyen Fact 2: She is a copyist rather than a plagiarist, her medical school ruled after an investigation lasting half a decade.

skull 1marker If you thought the Royal Mail plan to drop its Saturday deliveries here was a crime against humanity, imagine how the customers must feel in Switzerland, where Swiss Post is thinking about delivering only every other day due to falling revenues.

marker Scandinavia has gone for the EFU line on vaccines big time. The Pfizer product is okay as it's produced in Belgium. But the Oxford vaccine, because it was invented in the UK, isn't going to anyone who is old or unhealthy.
   The message seems to be "give the people who probably won't notice a dose of the plague something that probably doesn't work so they don't feel left out".
   How very Yuropeon of them!

markerPish to confected privilege
Those People in Germany are confecting outrage against people who have been vaccinated, demanding that they wait until everyone has been done before there is any relaxation of plague rules. As for plague passports; forget it!

look rightlook leftDead man walking?
In France, Pres. MacRon is no longer following the science (if he ever did) over plague rules. With an election looming next year, he's now doing what he thinks will keep him in touch with his deadly rival, Marine Le Pen, in the opinion polls.
   Currently, he is lagging behind Le Pen and the fall-out from the Chinese plague is destroying any chance of his being able to boast that he has been good for the French economy despite all the strikes and the Yellow Vest Pests and farmers & fisherfolk on the rampage.
   Which explains why he has been trying to pick fights with the old enemy across the water—the UK—and rubbishing the Oxford vaccine. Surprise! The French pharma outfit which was supposed to save Europe with its vaccine doesn't have something that works yet.

bulletPresident Kim of North Korea is reported to be furious after his country and Iran slipped below the EFU in the International Bad Guy League Table.
[Xpect more missle launches? Ed.]

markerCircular blame game
Online orders and the need to package stuff for delivery are creating a global shortage of cardboard. Foot-dragging @ recycling centres is getting a large share of the blame. The operators are blaming safe-spacing rules for slowing things down.
bullet Things are so bad during this plague that the thieves who go after scrap metal and the lead on the roof of a church are going after cardboard instead. Tons at a time, in some cases.

bulletQ: Who or what does a fat female blame for her size?
bulletA: The government's plague rules; that's a very popular whinge.

marker Is it institutional or structural rachelism for non-white people to say they're not going to have the plague vaccine because it was invented in countries where the majority of the population is white and it was tested mainly on white people so it might not work on them?

update Baroness von Leyen, the EFU Commission president, wishes it to be know that her remark that Brexit Britain is like a speedboat when it comes to getting vaccines for the Chinese plague and the EFU behaves like a clunky old tanker with wonky steering was NOT for public consumption.

bonehead It had to happen eventually. The global warming swindlers are trying desperately to get us to blame the Chinese plague on climate change, not the habits of Chinese wildlife munchers in Wuhan and/or lax biosecurity @ the virus factory there.

 WEEK 2      

1st class stampcross symbol The government is holding fire on erecting a statue to Sir Captain Tom Moore to deprive the BLAME gangster tendency of something else to wreck.
reader comment“No doubt Sir Captain Tom is a plague death statistic now. Even if the actual cause seems to be old age hastened by pneumonia. So much for the meaningfulness of the 100,000 number.” Blue Hodcastle

marker What is the point of snow when the Sun is shining? It just melts. Back to school for the wonks @ Weather Control.

tick symbol The rules for local council elections in England & Wales in May include a requirement that all customers wear a mask. They will also have to bring their own pencil to mark a cross on the ballot paper.

Far Queue symbol 84% of the customers think President Boris is doing a better job of dealing with the plague than Sir Kreepy Steamer could ever hope to do. Something for him to chew on whilst hunkering in his isolation bunker.

bulletQ: You're Sir Kreepy and you accuse the PM of telling lies about you. Then you find out he wasn't and you actually were lying. What do you do?
bulletA: Claim your hearing aid malfunctioned and you thought you heard the PM accuse you of something else (unspecified).
reader comment“Now we have living proof that Sir Kreepy is just like any other politician. Under the saintly façade is a bloke who will defend to the death of his minions, his right to lie his head orf.” Mick Stupp

bullet A Labour MP is getting flak from the Motherlandism lobby after daring to spout about the evils of Fatherlandism. The Motherlandists wish it to be known that they can out-evil anyone on The Planet if they put their minds to it.

green eyemarker Switzerland has decided not to buy the Oxford vaccine as part of a strategy of shadowing the EFU, no matter how much damage it does to the Swiss vaccine roll-out campaign. The government there appears to be following the French line that anything Britisch has to be NBG in the hope of getting some preferential treatment from the EFU.

markerOne back at you
Was President Boris trying to suppress a grin when he offered the SNP regime in Scotland help with rolling out its vaccination programme? Wee Burney was reported to be spitting feathers following this reminder to the electorate that the SNP is useless @ getting this (or any other) job done.

Select your option
first class stampreader comment“They just don't get it, do they? A bloke with an obvious Indian accent phones up and claims he's calling about something that has been ordered on your Amazon account.
   “He knows it's a scam and, most important of all, so do you. What do you do? Put the phone down or waste his time?
   “I suppose it depends whether you're feeling bored and in need of something to do.” Maja Cotte

tick symbol Donald Trump is off the hook. The Chinese are getting the blame for encouraging the Burmese military to stage their coup and wave two fingers at the concept of democracy in the Orient, secure in the knowledge that their mates in China will prop them up, no matter what.

Kreepy pantsUK flagAll change
The Labour party is planning to wrap itself in the Union flag and act like Tories in an attempt to shed the wild-eyed revolutionary Corbynstein image in favour of something kreepier.
   Pretending to have authentic values is the way ahead, according to the PR guys.

markerAlternative scam needed
So much for January Dry. Alcohol sales last month were over a quarter of a billion quid higher than in January 2020. But there is evidence that boozers were upping their quality rather than their intake. Even so, alcohol-related deaths in 2020 are on course to be 20% higher than in 2019 after all the beans have been counted.

first class stampreader comment“Calling the kleptopresident of Putinstan 'Vlad the Underpants Poisoner' was a brave move. Gospodin Navalny was lucky he didn't get his sentence doubled for his defiance!” Piet Zheviet

Far Queue symbol A mouthpiece for the Gremlin said Putin the pants poisoner was not following the Navalny court case. But why would he?
   He wrote the script and gave the judge his orders. Job done, knowing that if the orders were not followed to the letter, the judge would end up in clink, too.

marker Is it true that one-third of Brits can't find France on a map of the world? Or is it more likely that they just choose not to? As for the 50% who claim they can't find Australia, they're just having a giraffe.

FREE NAVALNY (with every 10 gallons)

Have they no shame? Nope, they’re Democraps
US banana flagIn Fredonia, the Grand Confected Impeachment starts today!
   Here, we have Bremoaners who didn't accept the 2016 EU membership referendum result. The US has Democraps, who still don't accept the result of the 2016 presidential election.
   What they have in common is a belief that a democratic decision has to be one that goes their way. But after all the shouting stops, they're still losers, sore & grumpy.
reader comment“Who does that Pelosi, 80, think she is anyway? The big sister of Putin, the 68-year-old Pants Poisoner? It's long past time she retired.” Mini Scule

fly‘By night’ is the current flying style
reader comment“Something wrong about the small ads by tradespeople in the Manchester Weekly News is that they don't have a street address. Phone number, website, yes. But who are they, where do they live and how do you get at them if something goes wrong and they don't want to know?” Givina Dam

BurnhamYou can tell there’s an election on the way here
Our feckless cosmetic mayor is promising us a 'world class' transport system for the area. Like that's going to happen with him in charge.
   He's also claiming all trips will be made by public transport, bike or walking by 2040—i.e. not until long after the likes of him have been pensioned off and are no longer entitled to their publicly funded limos.

markerThe licence of anonymity
The only way to stop abuse on anti-social meeja is to make all users pay for access, even if it's just a nominal sum like 10p per week, and be readily identifiable. But the publishing 'platforms' won't go for this because it will cut their advertising revenue based on numbers of clicks.
   Thus the problem will not be solved and people will continue to chuck bricks at all the posturing Aunt Sallys because they can. And the only way to avoid abuse will be to resist the urge to get on an internet soap box.
   It is a fact that no matter what you say, no matter how well-intentioned and virtuous, some evil bastard will take the hump at it and let fly with a brick. And not all of the bricks will be undeserved because pontificating on the interweb don't make you a person of quality and immune to criticism and worthy of respect.

1st class stampwriter comment“Sir Tom Moore isn't a hero. That's the wrong description. He's a shining example of Britishness and keeping on going no matter what. And that's what sticks in the craw of Those People.
   “Unfortunately, Britishness is a dirty word to them and they would rather see a thousand enemies thrive than one Brit do moderately well.” C.E.W.

markerBulging @ the seams
They have run out of places to lock people up in Moscow as anyone Putin the Pants Poisoner doesn't like can now be arrested without charge and held as an enemy of the state. Journalists no longer have to go to a demonstration and reporting on it to get themselves busted now that following their trade has been made an arrestable offence.
update Things are no better in St. Petersburg, where love for the regime is in equally short supply.

bonehead There's a vacancy for a curate to the oldest church in the City of London? Let's have someone who is black and a blatantly anti-white racialist, the Bishop of London decided.
   Which tells you why the Church of England is so irrelevant at its main hubs.

Those People—don’t you just love ’em?
reader comment“Did Sir Kreepy stop yelling for the abolition of the monarchy for however long it took for HM to tap him with the sword and present him with his K? Or did he have his fingers crossed behind his back when he got it, as is traditional when telling a lie?” Ludico Vice
reader comment“Wrap your average Labour wonk in a Union flag and the wonk will shrivel up and croak. So it's not a bad idea, come to think of it!” D'Ed Meat

bulletQ: How do you know if you're the world's biggest mug?
bulletA: If you find you've paid £800 for a travelling coffee mug, you are.

America’s second Day of Shame
US banana flagreader comment“Gopher Joe must be quite please to be spared having to pretend to be the world's moral conscience. His party has proved that, even though they are called Democrats, they are out of the same box as the bosses in Burma, China, Iran, Putinstan, etc. When there's opposition, they don't talk, they silence it by any means available. Clunk!” Lee Kyi Tap

first class stampreader comment“Are we going to believe that Tom Brady is the greatest American Crunch player of all time and he won 7 Super Bowls single-handedly? Or are we going to remember that he had a hell of a lot of help from all of his team mates & coaches, and without their efforts, he wouldn't have won nuffink?” Al Q'atraz

skull 1Pay attention or Up is the only way
An unmanned Musk Mars rocket crashed and burned on a test flight after launch control put it into hover mode 6 miles up in the air and tried to bring it back to the ground.
   This further control problem will underline more strongly the message to Mars colonists for when they head toward the Red Planet in 2024—once you're on your way, forget trying to change your mind and return to The Earth.

reader comment“It must be hard times for the dossers in Cardboard City, Florida, after their homes were nabbed to be recycled as a bulk-out crowd to add to the scattering of real people at the Super Bowl.” Loc Tupp

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bananaWee BurneyJust give us the answer you’ve been told to
The Wee Beesom government in Scotland has decided that the 'investigation' into the million-pound shambles surrounding the A. Salmonella sex-pest accusations cannot consider relevant information which is freely available online because the Salmonella camp put it there—but he's not a nice person and Wee Beesom has fallen oot with him.
   The Soviet Scotland banana republic, or what!

bullet The school week should be extended to 8 days to allow children to catch up with lost learning, the Xperts reckon.

markerTops but no bottoms
The trouser industry around the world is in crisis thanks to the Chinese plague. Business people are dressing down for video conferences, and many are not bothering to wear a presentable pair of trousers; or any at all; if their lower half remains out of sight. Lounge wear has decayed to lounging about wear.

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first class stampbulletQ: Do you need to panic if a 14-foot python escapes from its home in Greenock? Assuming you live there, of course.
bulletA: Nope, it will freeze to death if it is foolish enuff to venture outdoors right now.

Getting ready for next year’s election
The Scottish government is to abandon pandemic rate relief for newspaper publishers in a bid to drive them out of business and prevent them from reporting how badly the SNP regime is managing things north of the border.
   At stake is Wee Burney's ambition to detach Scotland from the UK and take her rightful place on the world stage as Scotland's first president.

Testing time
Despite the lock-in, Xperts and their minions have been out and about, busily swabbing cash machine keypads, road crossing buttons, petrol pump handsets and every public surface they can think of.
   Their conclusion? That the risk of getting the plague from one of these surfaces is 'low', especially when it's sunny.

bulletQ: If you're in charge of organizing the Tokio Olympics (assuming the event happens), what should you avoid?
bulletA: Revealing that women talk too much in meetings because they don't know how to finish off making a point.

skull 2A time for sitting on hands
The government has no need to do anything about gambling addiction.
   Xtensive research has shown that hard-core gamblers are dying off @ an increasing rate and will soon become Xtinct as a sub-species.

jingling kneeIn demand
Sales of single knee-pads are @ record levels as those who wish to show solidarity with the BLAME Bunch (or want to avoid being beaten up) are seeking to protect garments during the soggy seasons of the year.


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Kreepy pantsBoring!
Sir Kreepy Steamer is under fire from his activists for making Labour bland & wonk-headed and seem opportunist & unserious.
   The right-on wing of the party much prefers to be identified as Xtreme & boneheaded, as it was when the saintly but somewhat anti-semmitic O.J. was in kontrol.

markerThe Chinese government, which is deeply offended by having a fake news channel banned from broadcasting here, is blaming the BBC for the global pandemic.
   Worryingly for the Beeb, 43% of the respondents to an instant poll believed the Chinese confection.

hello!Far Queue symbol Is there a more monstrous organization than the Notional Truss, which repays its most generous beneficiaries by trashing their reputation with confected fakery of the wonk variety? The other contenders for Monster of the Year 2021 must be very few.
updateLeicester University is in the running for dropping real English literature from its course in favour of newly minted wonkosities.

steel helmet boneheadPaper Tiger or Wonks Leading Snoflakes
Worried about the evil Britisch sending their army to conquer you? Don't be. All but one of the 33 battalions of the Britisch Army are no longer an effective fighting force and the army would be in trouble if it was tasked with conquering the Isle of Dogs.
update The army is expected to contract even further as a result of the current defence spending review and the nation will be lucky to end up with a Britisch Arm or even a Britisch Ar.
reader comment“If 32 battalions are @ half strength, all we need to do is condense them into 16 full-strength battalions. Problem solved by a simple piece of O-Level applied maths.” Mini Mize
UFOreader comment“Do we necessarily want to get involved in foreign wars? Recent experience—Afghanistan, Iraq, Ireland—has shown that no one appreciates our efforts. Xcept for the legal trade, of course, and its confected Kerching!s. Much better to keep our troops here to defend our shores and zap anyone abroad who needs it remotely with bombs, missles and drones. And blame it all on hostile aliens and UFOs, just to spread some alarm and confusion.” Ivan Hoe

markerLet us not pretend to be other than we are
Just because Those People have been allowed to get away with abuses of rights and crimes against natural justice in the past, that is no reason why they should be allowed to get away with more of the same in the future.

first class stampreader comment“Why should we let cross party MPs take decisions on anything? Surely calm & non-cross MPs would make better decisions.” Eve Hoe
reader comment“They're no better across the pond. Instead of doing anything useful, such as Getting America Interesting Again, the Democraps in the Senate are still whingeing about losing the 2016 presidential election and not putting another dodgy Clinton in the White House. What a bunch of beefers!” Hilaire Covid
reader comment“Is this Gopher Joe's message to other rogue regimes? I'm the top banana and you're not?” Kamelair Brusch
reader comment“Nasti Pelosi is even older than Gopher Joe. I bet that's a thought that bucks him up—not being the oldest person in The Universe.” Strep Sill

bulletQ: "What do you make of this Pelosi woman, Poirot?"
bulletA: "She is the trollope poisonous, Hastings. I have recommended to Chief Inspector Japp that she be arrested forthwith for insulting the 'uman race by being on The Planet."

first class stampmarkerAre we bovvered? Hell, no!
"Oh, wad some power the giftie gie us, to see oorselves as ithers see us", to quote R. Burns. [Or near offer. Ed.]
   In the case of Baroness von Leyenallthetime, the pro tem president of the Europeon Commission, she sees us as Russian and herself as in charge of the United States of Yourop in a replay of the Cold War.

marker Under 55 and you've had a dose of the plague in Spain? Back of the vaccination queue for you! A wait of 6 months, at least.

bulletQ: Should we be alarmed if Labour savages the government over whatever?
bulletA: Given that Labour would savage the government if it announced that it was giving everyone a million quid, tax-free, nope. A political whinge, no matter how mindless and baseless, is the Kreepy way.

markerFar Queue symbol “Do it or you know what will happen” time?
The president of the Irish Republic wants the UK to thank her nation for all the bombs and outright hostility by handing over our bought & paid for doses of the plague vaccine.
   This is obviously "Be nasty to your friends and nice to your enemies" week.

markerIf you think it's cold here, you're a wimp. The temperature is down at -27 deg.C in parts of Germany.

markerWrong to be right
The Labour peer whose perk is shadow attorney general has been forced to offer a grovelling apology for daring to notice that the pandemic is a gift that keeps on giving for lawyers, thanks to all the changes in the laws on interactions.

marker The EFU has successfully confected enough red tape to prevent supplies from the UK from reaching the Marks & Sparks branch in Paris and force its closure.

markerHonesty ain’t us
The BBC's incompetent accounts department is in trouble for working the old "we didn't get your cheque" scam on customers over 75 and demanding another payment of the licence fee. [Which is going up in April. Ed.]
   Having cashed both cheques, the Beeb is dragging both feet over the issue of a refund.

bullet Yesterday was the start of a new year in China—the Year of the Coronavirus Bat.

Far Queue symbol + + + Dockson of Dick Green, Met honcho, in the dock over lies told by Operation Midland police, of whom she had charge, to obtain defective warrant to harass widow of Lord Brittan + + + Entire leadership of police rotten everywhere in UK? + + +

markerAugmented Rhodes?
The statue of Cecil Rhodes @ Oxford University may acquire a companion monument to a black American student, who benefitted from a free education @ the university thanks to one of the scholarships created by the benefactor Rhodes.
   But will this shame Those People and the BLAME Bunch into packing in their shameful rachelist agitations? Some hopes.

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markerJust a few miles off target
There are self-styled Xperts preaching that the nation needs to invest its lock-in billions in bonds and the government should give them a decent rate. But that's not what the Chancellor wants.
   He wants the cash spent and in circulation so he can tax the hell out of it. And a bit more if he can manage it because he has a GINORMOUS Brown Hole in his accounts.

marker The Austrian health minister has been reduced to announcing that he has ordered millions of doses of vaccine from the EFU. No guarantee he'll actually get them, tho'.

Arrowed cowboy skullmarkerOh, for a muse of brain cells!
What's left of our foreign-owned steel industry needs a special type of coal; coking coal; to turn iron ore into steel for making all those wonderful windmills and other global warming swindle stuff that President Boris wants.
   Do we dig up the coking coal here in the North of England and create jobs? No, Those People want it to be dragged half-way round the world from Australia and Russia.
   Apparently, saving The Planet doesn't have to make sense.

bulletQ: How much does it cost to put your company name/brand image on an Oxford professorship?
bulletA: 700 grand, rather than millions of quids, if you're a Chinese operation.

markerIt’s more than the nose
Boffins are beavering away to create a voice analysis program which will spot a liar who has failed to learn how to control the giveaway changes in voice pitch, volume and delivery speed.
   A separate development team of boffins is trying to do the same, but in reverse, with politicians to find out if they ever tell the truth. This is a rather smaller team as it is expected to provide mere confirmation that they don't rather than anything terribly useful.

bulletQ: What would be the point of letting pubs open again if they can't sell booze?
bulletA: A good Q. Shame there isn't a good A.

Johnny cashReality intrudes—or should that be inturds?
If the Queen is making cash out of off-shore wind farms, it would seem logical that she would send what's left of her army to sort out Those People who are obstructing coking coal mining plans and windmill construction.
   But logic doesn't apply here, as the Crown Estate stands to make more from option fees before any windmills are built than from site fees from operating wind farms, which are expected to drive at least 43 species of British birds into Xtinction as an added complication to the Green Great Britain so beloved by President Boris.

bulletQ: What's a stoopid way to try to make yourself into a magnetic superhero?
bulletA: Swallow lots of 5 mm super-magnetic spheres (say, 54 of them), which will require 6 hours of surgery to retrieve after they start burning holes in your intestines.

look bothHoley roads, Batman!
Kent council is attempting to claim a world record for potholes. It currently boasts 600,000 unrepaired ones and it hopes that its on-going campaign of neglect of highways & byways will rack up the magic 1 million before the autumn of 2022.

President Trumphello!Is that all you’ve got?
"A disaster of historic proportions", a demented Democrap yelled in the course of attempting to confect outrage in the US Senate.
   Really? If the so-called coup was all over by teatime?
   "If you tell a big enough lie often enough, people will start believing it". Or:
   "A lie can get round the world before the truth has put its boots on."
bullet "Official: What the D-Craps called incitement was just standard political rhetoric."
reader comment“Both eyes off the ball. America's enemies thrive whilst the D-Craps focus the nation on The Man They Can't Impeach.” Petron Geller
reader comment“Trump 2, Democraps nil.” Tay Wrak
reader comment“No matter what the D-Craps say, the 'coup' was over by teatime and the trough-scoffers were back at it right away. 6/01 is no 9/11.” Epi Sodic

elf nazibullet Employers who try to make their staff have a plague vaccination will be done over by the Discrimination Police, the government has warned. 'Elf 'n' safety be buggered, is the message.

marker The teenage Chancellor, Mr. Snack, is getting a good booting over his plans to raise taxes. 'Too soon will reduce the take', is the message the Xperts are trying to drive into his consciousness.
   Mr. Snack, we are led to believe, is keen not to be seen as the Tory equivalent of the infamous debt mountaineer G.F. Broon. But there is that gaping Brown Hole in his accounts . . .

skull 2 The world has a simple choice if it wants to do to the coronavirus what was done to the smallpox virus.
1. Let the anti-vaxxers stay in the community and perpetuate the plague.
2. Round them all up and send them to Siberia to get the rest of the world plague-free.

bulletQ: Is it reasonable that people who swan off abroad when there is a global pandemic should face expense and inconvenience when they return here?
bulletA: Eminently. Extraordinary times involve extraordinary expenditure.

cross symbol Extending the school day, and/or reducing the length of the summer break, won't help schoolkids catch up as the teaching trade has declared that it will stick a spoke in every wheel available.

yell!Lies, damned lies and alibis
The apologists for Islamist terrorists and their supporters seem to have hit on the line that the whole world is full of terrorist wannabes and that their faktion is just engaged in normal human behaviour.

marker Intergenerational fairness is a weirdly confected concept. The Chinese plague kills the old more readily than the young. Is that fair?
    Or is fairness a concept that has no meaning as far as The Universe is concerned?
   The latter, of course.

bulletQ: What can you buy with the interest on £160,000 stashed in an NSandI savings account?
bulletA: One lousy TV licence and a chance to contribute to the hundreds of millions paid to the likes of gary bloody lineker.

marker The Chinese government wishes it to be known that fake news is not tolerated within its borders unless it is confected by the Chinese government and any news which challenges the line taken by the Chinese government is deemed fake news in China, especially if it comes from the Bollux Broadchasing Company.

markerSaving the world from itself
The Beanz Police are fixing to make it illegal to describe anything as vanilla if it does not contain Xtract of vanilla bean and it is merely flavoured with some chemical gunk that tastes vaguely like the real thing.
   Junk food manufacturers everywhere are outraged.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

 WEEK 3      

marker Yesterday was the 50th anniversary of the not-so-great decimal currency swindle. Pounds, shillings and pence were discarded in favour of pounds and new pence, resulting in inflation increases of 3-28% due to swindlers rounding prices up when converting them to the new currency.

marker Surprise! The World Chinese Economic & Political Health Organization 'investigation' team has poured whitewash all over Wuhan, source of the Chinese plague.

tick symbol The Home Sec. P. Patel, knows a gang of BGs when she sees one and she would not take a knee if invited to do so by the BLAME Bunch. Good for her!

bullet It's official! The recession caused by the Chinese plague is the worst in 3 million years.

marker Police officers have been told not to wear their uniform when they go to a vaccination centre for an armful to deprive professional whingers of the opportunity to claim that they are getting unwarranted special treatment.

Sherri Scouse, our Society Xpert, reports:
The informed opinion here is that the failed Trump Impeachment #2 was just the politics of the gutter, a total waste of time and taxpayers' money, and it never had the slightest chance of success.
   Again, the Democrats are left as sad losers with nowhere to go that will do their reputation any good because they are stuck in a vindictive rut, looking backwards at their failures and they have nothing for the future.

markerPlague protection update
President MacRon of France has made an idiot of himself by claiming that the Oxo vaccine stops working if the customer is over 65, the World Chinese Health Organization's Xperts have ruled. And a 12-week gap between doses is okay.

bullet Despite gorbal warming, the river Thames managed to freeze over at Teddington for the first time since 1963. Ducks were reported walking about on the ice, looking baffled.
reader comment“If we really are in the midst of a climate warming emergency, how come my back garden is full of dish-shaped plugs of ice, which I have had to evict from the external cat water dish after it froze solid during the night?” Julie Finger

bullet Putin the Pants Poisoner is refusing to have a shot of the Russian Sputnik vaccine for the plague in case someone slips an extra little something into the dose.

bulletQ: If you're trying to pull off a £1,049 Amazon fake order scam, what should you avoid?
bulletA: A piss-poor recording and a mobile phone number such as 07623 064 555.

markerNot the whole story
Wales, we are told, has 'offered' a vaccination to everyone over 70. But, rather significantly, no information was released on the take-up and hold-out rates, which would have been more meaningful.


Retrofitted carAir pollution is a PROVEN
Chinese plague carrier—FACT!

bullet Get your vehicle converted to electric drive to help
         keep where you live plague free!
Only from Megano & Wilf of Romiley, 14 Riverside Lane

cross symbol The combination of Weetabix & Heinz baked beanz has received a comprehensive thumbs down from the nation's breakfasters.

bullet Valentine cards with a 'from your favourite stalker' message have received a similar seal of disapproval.

marker Egg Xperts reckon that consumers should bin the tasty yolk and consume only the boring white. If they do, they will live forever. It will certainly seem like that if one has to eat eggs without the yolk.
   Other dietary Xperts say this view is rubbish.

bullet Chinese spies are doing MI5 a favour by enrolling to study Xclusively @ Oxford University, where they feel most welcome.

Sleepy JoeIt’s now S.O.P.
During the Biden presidency, the Democraps in the Untied States will not be pretending to set an example of good conduct to the world.
   On the contrary, they will be following, quite shamelessly, Chinese & Russian tactics for dealing with people who don't agree with them. And if anyone objects, they will just shrug their shoulders and say the other lot now set the standard for super-powers.

marker The US Department of Dosh has presented the Democrapic party with a bill for $100 MILLION as a fee for their week-long self-indulgent party political whinge in the Senate, which was thinly disguised as their annual Trump impeachment jamboree.
bullet "The merits of the case were subordinated shamelessly to the politics of the moment" according to opinion surveys in the Untied States.

markerMore faked news
Let us be clear about this—no one is going to gaol for 10 years for telling porkies about a holiday, especially if the government's get-out-of-gaol-early policy means that a 10-year sentence = 3 years inside.
   We can also be sure that judges will dish out another penalty, or suspend a gaol sentence if they are backed into that corner.
reader comment“So all that stuff about a backbench Tory revolt is just a confected fugug?” Marq Marker
[Pretty much. Ed.]
Far Queue symbol Sir Kreepy & Wee Burney are rumoured to be lobbying for a 20-year sentence just to have a different line from the government's.

markerFairness to all species
The Britisch Gardening Federation is involved in a stress study, which could affect all gardeners. It is known that gardening relieves stress in humans. It is also known that plants respond negatively to stressed humans.
   The study will seek to find out if gardeners should be required to test themselves using the BGF App, and if they fail the stress test, opt not to give their plants a dose of induced stress.

cross symbol The Royal Mail had a month off from deliveries in January due to staff shortages. The backlog will be cleared 'before the summer', we were assured.

bullet Re: That failed impeachment
"We determine what we are by what we do." Agent 47
Far Queue symbol US politician Nasti Pelosi, 80, is pursuing vigorously to the point of busting a gut, her campaign to be voted the Sorest Loser of 2021.
reader comment“She certainly has an excellent shot at the Tiresome Old Broad of 2021 award.” Sue Preem

markerSo sue Ghod
O'besity now kills more people than smoking, the medical trade assure us. Okay, if people stop smoking and over-eating, something else will kill them. The medical trade will never run out of something to complain about.

first class stampreader comment“A correspondent to another journal wrote: 'During the pandemic, the government has been so generous . . .' Yes, with our bloody cash, let us not forget.” Florentine Bisq

marker “Welcome if you are reading in the UK or around the world.”
[Parody of the BBC News greeting but where else is there? Ed.]

bulletQ: How do you avoid plague rule violation fines when you're having a party at a rented house and the police come banging on the door?
bulletA: Don't let them in. Worked for a gang @ a rented flat in Mayfair.

Kreepy pantsFar Queue symbol Labour party wonks are intent on embarrassing the Pantz of Kontrol off their leader with all sorts of looney left ideas, such as paying ginormous and undeserved reparations to countries that used to be ruled by the British empire—and were civilized by it—and abolishing Mr. and Mrs. in favour of Mx.

markerWorld-changing technology
The Met Office is being accuse of aspiring to a £1.2 BILLION super-computer, which will require some much electricity that it will cause 3-8 deg.C of global warming all by itself. Its likely location is Norway, which has massive amounts of hydroelectric power available, to escape the accountability of being sited in the UK.

Wee BurneyNBG & Buried
The Scottish government, under Wee Burney's leadership, will be sitting on a report on the state of schools north of the border until well after the parliamentary elections in May.
   Which tells us that things in education there are a disaster, like everything else the Gnats are in charge of.


Prize paintingJanuary Painting Competition Winner

Title: “Corner Kick Sneakiness”

20" x 25", watercolour on art board

The painting depicts a forward receiving a vigorous penalty box testicle massage from a defending opponent

On view @ Romiley Art Gallery

first class stampreader comment“One gets the distinct impression is that most people think some global warming would be a great idea, but not the power companies. They would see their profits crash if winters weren't freezing cold enuff to make us keep the heating on 25 hours a day for several months. So if you were wondering who pays for all the Warmists & Xtinctionists and their soppy propaganda, there are some pretty good suspects.” Prem Parakalo

reader comment“Donald Trump is accused of being appalling. But what is really appalling is how easily & quickly the D-Craps can prove they are appallinger.” Katrin Rasch

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postage stampreader comment“Lord Blunk might think that freedom to travel where you want is a fundamental democratic right. But freedom to spread this Chinese plague ain't. And imagine how fast you'd be evicted if you wanted to travel to a bar in the House of Frauds?” Tay Dupp
reader comment“Or anywhere in Burma, China, Iran, North Korea, Putinstan or anywhere the Biden Bunch don't want you to see?” Forry Nehr

bulletQ: What's the pay rate for self-employed people making deliveries for Amazon?
bulletA: £1.83 per hour—less the speeding fines.

postage stampreader comment“Of course, there is no such thing as unconscious bias. You're not capable of doing anything other than occupy a certain volume of space when you're unconscious. And anyone who tried to tell you different is an idiot.” Gemma Dar

reader comment“Anyone who admits to being influenced by an influencer needs to be put in quarantine for a couple of years to see if they recover.” Narn Parail

poisonerRecord breaker wannabe
Vlad the Putin & Poisoner, 68, is planning to extend his reign as boss of Putinstan for another 15 years.
   If he completes his planned 35 years in charge, he will be 83 and heading for a Mugabe Memorial Despot Award.
   By then, he will know if he has to hang on for another 3 years to beat Gopher Joe's record of being the oldest every boss of a superpower, should Joe not be found out/assassinated by a rival and survive to complete a second term.

Far Queue symbol If back-bench MPs want the teenage Chancellor to scrap council tax and replace it with a property tax, maybe they should be required to explain to us how council tax isn't a property tax.

marker The phone company O2 has been fined £10.2 MILLION for swindling its customers for 8 years.

postage stampreader comment“Let us not forget that buildings with a flammable plastic global warming swindle cladding are perfectly safe for as long as the inmates refrain from setting fire to them.” Gorrie Zontal

reader comment“A good way to avoid vile abuse on auntiesocial meeja would be to find something more productive to do with your time than seeking pats on the back from complete strangers of doubtful sincerity. Go and read a good book instead.” Epluh Rebus

bulletQ: What do you get if you're the boss of a major bean-counting outfit with a frankly suspect record on the due diligence front and you tell the overpaid shirkers to stop moaning and get some work done?
bulletA: The push.

Far Queue symbol The teaching unions are still hell bent on sabotaging any attempt to reopen the nation's schools next month.
reader comment“Maybe they've been idle for so long they've forgotten how to teach.” Sam Alien

sinister alienreader comment“Bantant constitutional cancel culture—that's what the D-Craps were up to. And if their standard of evidence were to be accepted, the D-Craps would go bust because all their major donors would be in gaol for making inflammatory & hate-crime remarks.
   “Which would mean that the sinister aliens who are pulling Mr. Bidet's strings would have to stump out a lot of cold, hard cash. That's not something they'd be keen to do.” Hairy Wails

Beware the Covids of March!

bulletQ: What could we do with less of?
bulletA: Rachelist wonks bad-mouthing great Britons in a pathetic 'look at me, ain't I clever?' whinge.

marker Pub owners are grotting all over the government's idea of outdoor drinking only. Not really surprising with a wet, chilly Britisch spring in prospect.

bulletQ: Are we surprised that Sir Captain Tom Moore received trolling abuse from online scumbags?
bulletA: Nope. Scumbags is as scumbags does.

Sherri Scouse, our Society Xpert, reports:
Disgraced former prime monster T.B. Liar is offering his services to the world as the man who should be put in charge of creating a global plague passport system. [At an enormous salary. Ed.]
reader comment“Looks like his income from the despot advising trade is dropping off as the Chinese plague bites even harder.” Oik Toolan

markerCudda done so much better
Don't you just wish Texas Senator T. Cruz had stood up to the whingers and delivered some home truths? Okay, he's a servant of the people, but he's not their slave, on call all day and every day.
   He should have reminded them that he is entitled to time off to spend with his family and his being in Texas rather than Mexico wouldn't make the Big Freeze end magically, and it wouldn't restore electricity supplies any faster.
   If he'd had his wits about him, he would have referred all of the whingers, including those in the news meeja, to his troll-handler, Martha Middlefinger.

markerChina is still obstructing WHO access to its plague records to allow essential sanitizing work to be completed. Full & unfettered access is not Xpected before next year. Well, what passes for full & unfettered in China.

bonehead Some Xperts claim that locko could be cancelled sooner than the government intends if the data is followed. Some Xperts claim that locko should not be cancelled as soon as the government wants on the basis of the same data. Sir Kreepy Steamer is waiting to find out what President Boris has in mind before advocating the Xact opposite.

markerPrince Hairy is to be banned from wearing Britisch military uniforms on all occasions—fancy dress parties included—as the price of defecting to the Untied States and leaving his country in the lurch.

markerIt pays to shop around
Surprise! Public charging points for electric cars can be a total rip-off! Over 400% dearer than the cheapest prices in some cases.

markermarkerThe Xperts don't know why we're currently getting a polar vortex freeze across the entire northern hemisphere but they are certain that human-caused climate change has to be at the back of it. And they are prepared to keep fiddling the data until it comes out the way they want it to.
bullet An Xception to the Big Freeze is the area around Sicily's Mount Etna, which is currently spewing out ash clouds and streams of red-hot lava. It's something a bit more spectacular than the 3-mile-wide fire on Dartmoor last week, which raged on through blizzards. The fire is being blamed on 'a member of the public' as a best guess, with no explanation of how it was ignited on offer.

markerPresident Bidet is inviting us to speculate about why he was never invited to the White House residence during the entire 8 years it was occupied by President O'Bummer & entourage.
reader comment“Maybe they just couldn't stand the guy and his Xtreme left-wing views.” S. Ceptic

markerMad, bad & very dangerous to the innocent
QAnon Dick

Cult leader C. Dick

The police services of the Metropolis & Wiltshire are in the hands of a cult with all the pizzaz and credibility of the QAnon cult in the Untied States.
   The QAnon cult believes that their country is run by a gang of paedophile killers like the one promoted by the disgraced MP T. Watson as well as senior members of the Britisch police and the Can't Prosecute Service.
   Here, the cult's crimes have been exposed by the High Court judge Sir R. Henriques but still the cultists flourish, having trashing the good names of prominent people without suffering the consequences of their crimes.
   Indeed, they prosper. Peerages, top jobs in the public sector & endless perks are on offer to the cult members and the government continues to turn a blind eye to their activities.
bullet The Met has refused to admit how many sardines have been fined for not observing safe spacing rules in their tins. Cult intervention is suspected.

perspectiveMajor Morale Massager Not
laughing mancross symbol President Boris's plan for a road & rail tunnel linking Scotland and Northern Ireland is providing members of his party with multiple opportunities for merriment in the grim times imposed on us by the Chinese plague. "Daft as a brush" is about the kindest comment to come from the Northern Tories.
tick symbol The H2S Hooray Henrys, on the other hand, are all for the Boris Burrow as it offers major opportunities for further trough-scoffing on a grand scale.
reader comment“There will be an interesting ownership question if President Boris gets the project past the point of no return before he's found out and some future post-Burney regime in Scotland succeeds in going independent.” Shur B. Jur

markerAbolishing the law’s delays
look right The legal trade is seeking to unclog the court system to some extent by abolishing trials for rape cases when the police claim that their evidence is credible & true.
   The proceedings will move straight to conviction and a prison sentence for the accused to provide a quicker and cheaper alternative to what is going on at present.
bulletAs a bonus, the revision is expected to deliver a superb improvement in what is perceived to be a piss-poor conviction rate for sex crimes.

markerThis is ideology vs democracy?
FakeBuk has declared war on Australia because the government there has dared to put before the Aussie parliament, a law which will force aunti-social meeja firms to pay for the news they so casually trawl from other meeja organizations.
   The message on offer is that global mega-tech companies are more important than any individual country and they can do what they like when the like, so there.

Kerching!People are getting so bored during locko that they are resorting to making a will just to pass a bit of time. Not that the legal trade is complaining, mind. Every little helps. Or every lottle, if you check up on the enormous price of doing even a very basic will.

Far Queue symbol Gopher Joe is in trouble for claiming that there was no vaccine for the Chinese plague available in the US until he took office and magically conjured it into existence.
   Even his supporters are admitting that he must have been asleep at the wheel when he came out with his astonishing remark.
reader comment“Sleep talking as opposed to sleep walking?” Angus Dei

marker Robovacs suck, is the conclusion from a testing panel. Cheap ones; under £100; tend to be useless and even the expensive ones have a great talent for getting themselves stuck somewhere and failing to get the job done.

bullet Britain rejoice! Sir Kreepy Steamer is going to rebuild you and wipe away the ravages of the Chinese plague. If you can afford it.

marker Prince Hairy gets the sack for money-grubbing instead of being a proper Royal. Tough, but that's the way the Brown Windsor sloshes.
reader comment“A nation . . . mourns at the loss of Prince Hairy and his sparkling inspiration? More couldn't give a monkeys, if we're being lethally accurate.” Katta Pilar

Europeon cops in action
tick symbol The Berlin police have sent their Gangbuster Squad into action following a period of open warfare between rival gangs. Bad guys are being hoovered up all over the place by hundreds of cops on special assignment.
bullet In Italy, it's bad guys who profited unreasonably from government PPE contracts who are going into the bag.
bullet The Spanish police are busy with rioters protesting about the lack of freedom of speech and people who are ignoring the ban on smoking imposed on a number of beaches.


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markerSelf-perpetuating cycle
Having turned unconscious bias into a growth industry, it would appear that Those People are now busily converting it into conscious bias to keep up the supply of stuff about which they can whinge.
   Their strategy appears to be to make a noise about rachelism and lack of interest in transsexuals and all the rest of their ishues in a bid to convince normal people that if Those People think these things are something to get excited about, then the opposite is true.
   Which will give Those People an excuse to climb back onto their soap boxes to complain about the lack of interest in their vital ishues.
reader comment“Yes, it's okay for blokes to get themselves hacked about and made to look like a woman; and for women to do the equivalent. But what they don't have is a right for the rest of us not to think they're weird. In fact, we have a 'uman bluddy right not to be held hostage by weirdos.” Per Sonal
reader comment“This whole thing seems to be aimed at abolishing the distinction between good Us and bad or unknown Them to let Those People infiltrate the Us community by stealth.” R.W.

Perseverance rover landingTwo Yards To Ground Level!
NASA's latest Mars rover Perseverance has started to earn its keep by sending home images of the Red Planet. The descent from orbit was described as 'seven minutes of terror' for the mission crew back on Earth at the end of the rover's 7-month interplanetary journey.
   A heat-shield offered protection until a massive parachute was deployed. Then a jetpack 'sky-crane' with 8 engines lowered the rover to a soft landing before zooming off to a safe distance for its own landing. The picture was taken by the jetpack when the rover was 2 metres above the Martian surface.
   The rover, in Jezero Crater just north of the planet's equator, has started a 2-year mission to look for evidence of life that might have existed in a water lake. That mission could go on for a decade or more if the rover works as well as Spirit and Opportunity. No rest for the wicked!

Far Queue symbol The Gnomes of Zürich are hanging their heads in shame after the Swiss government announced a world record-breaking budget deficit.

marker A major police stop 'n' cop operation against members of the Coldstream Guards based @ Windsor failed to locate any illegal drugs and failed to make any arrests.

Kreepy pantsA plan for the nation
Sir Kreepy Steamer's bright, new vision for post-plague Britain is Big Government. That's the government's nose thrust even deeper into everyone's business and its hand, inevitably, thrust deeper into every pocket.
[Except the pockets of the favoured few, natch. Ed.]

heatwavebullet The Warmists have found another gang of suckers to blame for killing The Planet. Gorbal warming is caused by people who fail their driving test!! Well, who'da thunk it!
bullet Bad news for the Warmists, though—the plague pandemic has reduced the number of driving tests taken by over 75% and they are frantically searching for new targets.
bullet Warmists are claiming that they will replace the good old spud with an American bean, which used to be a favourite of Injuns during the good old daze of the Wild West. No more chips? Like that's going to happen.

tick symbol Proverb for Today: Every hissy old git who's making an arse of himself needs a Jackie Weaver to switch him off before he hits the buffers.

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postage stampreader comment“Ofcom is in deep trouble for persecuting the TV channel Talking Pictures on the basis of one single complaint from someone who could turn out to be a Chinese spy causing trouble or a BBC wonk trying to make life difficult for a rival.” Gasp O'ket
reader comment“The Ofcom wonks can be paid as much as an MP (prior to the latest pay rise for them). If we're looking for trough-scoffers to axe to give the taxpayer a break, here would be a good place to start.” Bal Shazzer

Jaguar cars will become NBG** in 2025.
** Nobbut Green

marker Around $80 MILLION is supposed to be missing from the estate of the deceased footballing cheat D. Maradona. That's one hell of a lot of coke!
[600 kg approx. Ed.]

markerNo LGM; or even big ’uns
sinister alien A Harvard professor wishes to assure us that we are not alone in The Universe and there has to be life & civilizations elsewhere.
   But given the age and size of The Universe, it is evident that the odds against any of them being near contemporaries of ours are HUGE.
   And the odds against alien trippers travelling any distance to come here are HUGER unless we're next to something absolutely fascinating. Which we ain't.
   Why is the prof. pushing the aliens button, then? Surprise! He's plugging a book.

reader comment“You might think that some minor, attention-seeking university professor is an idiot but you never know for sure until he/she opens their mouth and proves it.” Zuta Law

markerOption 1 or Option 2
If you have symptoms after a plague vaccine shot, it means you have a lazy immune system and it needed a kick in the pants. If you experience no symptoms at all, your immune system was (and remains) in good order.

 WEEK 4      

reader comment“The Vaguely Unsure Referee is taking all the flow and spontaneity out of football. It's getting as bad as the stop-go stuff they have across the Atlantique.” Onva Conse


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markerPromptness is all
boneheadNot having an instant answer to a question makes you look shifty and a liar, a gang of Xperts has declared. Which has to mean that they are advocating that people say the first thing that comes into their head; no matter how daft or untrue it is; and don't bother to think about the question and offer a best-case answer.
   If the results of the study are credible & true, they suggest that most people are now idiots who are incapable of reaching a sensible conclusion based on information right under their nose.
   Hurry on Xtinction, in that case!

Arrowed cowboy skullmarker Oxford University colleges are insisting that staff & students take conscious bias training so that everyone knows which biases they should have (or pretend to have) and which they need not worry about.
reader comment“There has to be something sinister behind all this unconscious bias crap. The most obvious place to look is the beneficiaries of the bias 'training'.
   “Who, we are instructed to believe, is being ignored? Non-whites & females. Ergo, the whole thing must be a BLAME Bunch scam to give them a free ride.” Beck Sill
reader comment“Victim culture on steroids!” T. Ribal
reader comment“If the courses increase bias against the wonks who think everything revolves around unconscious bias; and the wonks, of course; they will have served a useful purpose.” Bay Cananeg

bulletQ: What is the difference between following the science and moving the goalposts?
bulletA: It's the goalposts if the person going on about something isn't getting their way.

1st class stamp

Cactus flowering season begins

Sick, sick, sick
reader comment“We are being told that the NHS waiting list could hit 10 MILLION by April, which would mean that 17% of the population of England need treatment of some sort. Which doesn't say much for the state of the country's health.” Marq Marker

bullet New Rule: "You cannot take somebody's privacy & exploit it". Unless your name is publicity-shy Mhegan.

marker The government has no plans for vaccine passports (at present) but any organization that wants to create such a scheme is free to do so.

skull 2One man’s misfortune . . .
The virus mutation detectors are in a furious race to identify the most variations of the Chinese plague in the shortest time in order to establish a new world record. Some even think they're in the running for a Nobel Prize.
reader comment“Viruses mutate. BFD. Yawn. Get over it.” Sue Preem

tick symbol Things locko has spared us for the moment: The sight of weirdo dualistic artists Gilbert & George snogging waiters in Turkish eateries.

markerJust not good enuff
A planned statue to 'honour' two female pirates has created controversy for two main reasons. 50% of the objectors think Burgh Island in South Devon shouldn't be honouring violent scumbag criminals. The other 50% are complaining that the metal figures are too thin and they are an act of fat-shaming.

marker Warning! The government's Xperts are getting ready to Xplode in all directions if the nation is ever let out of locko.

marker Warning! If you donate money to a charity, it is liable to be wasted on pointless unconscious bias training for the people employed by the charity.

Scary CarrieEverybody out!
The Creepy Carrie takeover by stealth of the Downing Street Squad is more or less complete. The Old Guard is utterly fed up with President Boris bollocking them for no good reason and they have all headed off to greener pastures.
   Loyalty is a concept that has to work both ways, BFN was told.

markerCould the next casualty be Dippy the Dog, which has upset President Boris by escaping from its minders to chew antique furniture and valuable old books @ Chequers, Boris' official retreat in Bucks. A main problem is the dog's refusal to wear incompetence pants to protect valuable old carpets from its outpourings.

marker Canada plans to join Australia on the bandwagon and charge FakeBuk for using news gathered by other organizations. Britain is now in danger of being left out and left behind.

bulletQ: Should I be impressed by a message telling me: "Your Norton360 subscription has expired. Renew your subscription to get back to safety."
bulletA: Not if it's from: "Action Needed" <>

cross symbol Gorbal warming is getting the blame for the Big Freeze in Texas. President Joe's response has been to turn the state into a disaster area.

Kreepy pantsA plan for the nation reviewed
bullet Sir Kreepy thinks channelling the post-war Labour prime monster C. Attlee will make him look good. Not something that stands up to scrutiny, as anyone who remembers the frozen winter of 1947 and no coal because the miners were twatting about will testify.
   Not to mention all the troops (soldiers & airmen) who were stuck abroad in places like India to prevent/postpone independence and further the new Labour government's Imperial ambitions.
reader comment“Yes, the NHS came into being under that government, which is what the Kreepy One wants us to remember, but it wasn't created solely by that government. A lot more than 3 years of planning went in to it. And look what a disconnected nightmare its administration has become.” Hadda Nuff

markerAttention all those who want to keep up: Your mission now is to nest @ home in luxury loungewear costing at least a grand & a half a pop. And to be really switched on, you need to have stuff with a cute Gaelic brand name like Ciorstaidh or Angoragh.

markerBustin’ out all over
The SAGE Squad of government plague Xperts is believed to be on the verge of a listing in the Guinnness Book of Records as the leakiest bunch of gits in The Universe.
   Some are believed to be in line for big payments from bookies if the plague panic runs on into next year. This is seen as a very convincing motivation for many of the leaks.
updateActually, it's the Gwynnnedd Book of Records, the Welsh rival, which is hoping to make a big splash in the market this year.

bulletbulletWashy that’s not even wishy
Building societies are backing a Get The Nation Saving Again campaign. But not planning to do anything as radical as giving savers a decent rate of interest on their money, of course.
['Tis the season for pointless gestures? Ed.]

bulletQ: Has Ed "He's Talking" Balls won a celebrity cooking show?
bulletA: Not possible as he is not a slebrity.

markerBat excrement by the bucketful?
Does President Boris really want to make the Isle of Man a roundabout point for tunnels connecting Scotland, England and Northern Ireland? Larne, Heysham, Liverpool and Stranraer would all be linked to the IoM under this grand scheme.
   One big snag—there would be no direct route from Scotland to Ireland, and going via the IoM would make the underground journey about 4x longer than the one offered by a direct link. Which would have to pass under an area of sea bed where zillions of tons of surplus WW II munitions were dumped.
railway engineupdateIt has been pointed out that people & goods will have to be unloaded and switched to another train @ Larne, whether outbound or inbound; as the gauge of the N.I. railway is 5' 3" compared to the 4' 8½" on the British mainland, and the two sets of rolling stock are completely incompatible.

bulletQ: Why do railways in Northern Ireland have a broader gauge than the ones on the Britisch mainland?
bulletA: Because the ground is boggier in Ireland?

markerNot so much you can’t win, more you’re not supposed to
Safe spacing is reducing herd immunity levels to diseases other than the Chinese plague and the doom-mongers are now predicting a world record flu epidemic this coming winter.

marker Wearing glasses protects people from the Chinese plague, the Xperts reckon, because they reduce the frequency of eye-rubbing by the wearer.
reader comment“That's the sort of thing that sounds like it ought to be true, even if it ain't.” Zuta Lors

bullet Denmark seems to be about to leap aboard the 'Make FakeBuk Pay' bandwagon.

marker Burma has been deleted by FakeBuk for not being very convincing at delivering its own-brand fake news.
reader comment“Sir Kreepy faces the same dilemma following his claim that the whole Labour movement is really very patriotic, you know.” C. Yu

Far Queue symbol The UK is threatening to ban the pointless importation of bottled water from the EFU following the EFU's sabotage of the Britisch shellfish trade.

bulletQ: How come Sir Kreepy's current PR campaign is such a disaster?
bulletA: He has The Mandelsleaze directing traffic (when he's not cosying up to Chinese politicians and other despots).

writer comment“Eventually, people will be asking others: 'What was the most lockomoronic thing you did?' Which will leave the others struggling to come up with something original and vaguely credible. It could even become a TV game show.” A.L.M.

bulletQ: Is it true that Creepy Carrie has trained her 'orrible little dog to pee on the possessions of people she's trying to get shot of?
bulletA: Evidence is still being gathered.

eyes Scotland's mountains have crashed the 100 avalanche barrier. [Yes, it's a brain-dead cliché but people have come to Xpect it. Ed.] The potential level for more of the same remains 'considerable' and some very spectacular avalanches could still be in store, especially with a lot of help from incoming warmish Atlantic storms.

skull 2Battle for the streets
French meat ranchers are being given lotz of Xcuses to take to the boulevards and stage a paralyzing tractor rally. If it's not massive imports of South American beef that are threatening to put the local industry out of business, it's cities making their school meals 100% vegetarian.
   The practice of dumping bales of hay on city streets to increase the effectiveness of road blocks is getting up the noses of French hay fever sufferers. Stand by for the odd retaliatory arson attack on a farm if the practice continues this year.

Far Queue symbol Those who refuse to receive a jab of plague vaccine could find themselves consigned to the intentionally unemployable box if they don't have a sound medical reason for doing it.

first class stampreader comment“Should Australia be bothered about being denied the sort of 'news items' which FakeBuk offers? All sorts of legitimate news sources are available without reference to FakeBuk. And there are lotz of alternatives for pointing contacts @ particular news items. Such as emails. Remember them?” Joy Ryder

bulletQ: Where did Sir Kreepy Steamer go wrong with his Big Personal Relaunch?
bulletA: By trying to pretend he's exciting and dynamic when he's really just a dull plodder, who is good at picking unimportant nits but no good at doing anything creative or worthwhile.

cross symbolOut of ServicetheGrauniad is offering the nation 'absolute bullshit' and stuff which is 'intentionally untrue', according to the Education Department.
Context: the lazy leftie objections to restarting all schools on 08th March.

bullet The plague is turning out to be very good for criminals. Record numbers of them have been getting away with it since the pandemic began.

reader comment“Is it true that Prince Hairy has abandoned a life of public service for self-service and he's diabolical enuff to have dumped the blame on 'er indoors?” Elsa Poppin
[Stranger things have happened at sea. Ed.]
bullet Panic! Prince Hairy has been accused of adopting Trump-like gestures and body language and Mhegan of looking on with adoring approval.


Svesh en Shutret!

bullet Sveyaktivat!
bulletGan Tragenhajar!
bulletDevrel Yemet!

Romiley Gadgets, 3a Riverside Drive

[Don't you just hate it when you're being paid to run the advert to a deadline without having to wait for the translation? (not) Ed.]

bullet Attention all those plague denyers yelling about a free society:
You are perfectly free to do as you like. As long as you do as you're told.

perspective 120,000 dead—Fact
120,000 dead of the plague—Not Fact

   The perverse counting method for deaths 'caused' by the plague is the work of wonky masochists and it makes a complete mockery of official statistics which are often dodgy at the best of times.

first class stampreader comment“Surprise! Wee Burney announces her locko unblocko master plan AFTER she's heard what President Boris had to say. Cheap political stunt or what? Or just routine idea-nicking.” Vaxine Bubble
reader comment“The government's famous roadlock out of blockdown. What's that all about?” N. Jineer
reader comment“FakeBuk suddenly reverses its excommunication of the Aussies. Dirty deal done? Certainly sounds like it if FB can pick & choose what it pays for & how much.” X. Ponential
reader comment“Is discarded SNP honco A. Salmonella trying to position himself as the Scottish equivalent of A. Navalny? Someone who is under threat of Wee Burney sending him to gaol via a decree from her vast seaside holiday home? He's certainly playing the victim card for all he's worth.” Sem O'Lina

Hands-off Approach or No Role For Old Generals
Britain's generals are up in arms because President Boris' strategy for the Britisch Army appears to be to do without troops so that he can afford to invest in battlefield technology.
   This suggests that he has been told the plan for a future war has to be to deploy remotely controlled Death Drones and ground assault vehicles operated by kill-crazy teenagers of the video-gamester generation.
   Drones operated by friendly & hostile news agencies will be an added complication to the battlefield, but if they get knocked off, nobody will have to pretend to regret the demise of some nosy journo if they're all safely back @ base, watching the battle on a screen.

markerSurprise! Some SAGEists claim locko could be loosened faster and some claim it will have to be kept in place for longer.
reader comment“Maybe they should have an arse-kicking contest to decide a winner.” Polais Chupet

markerEggon Faces time if the mob agitating for a Bonk Holiday on June 21st find that everything still has to be shut then because the customers have been taking too many liberties.

bulletQ: What happens if you're a killer who croaks of a heart attack whilst watching other people being knocked off by the Iranian regime's killers?
bulletA: They string you up just the same so that your victim's mother can kick the chair away from beneath your lifeless corpse.

cross symbol Power outage cuts off NSandI from its users for a day or so. But so many people have extracted their cash in response to piss-poor interest rates that only about half a dozen customers were unable to access their remaining investments.

bullet The Health Sec., Hancock's Half Hour, has admitted that at least one dose of the plague vaccine has been administered to one-third of Britisch adults.
   In some weird act of international symmetry, one-third of Germans have indicated that they have no intention of submitting to vaccination against the Chinese plague! Xperts are wondering if experiencing temperature swings from over 20 deg.C below zero to almost +20 deg.C is having an unhinging effect on the Germans.

markerRank provocation?
Restaurants & and bars will be allowed to reopen their terraces for customers in Valencia next week. But getting to eastern Spain to take advantage of this may prove a bit of a problem, given all the travelling & quarantine difficulties.

bulletQ: Can you be described as missing out on a EuroMillions jackpot of £178 Billion if all 7 of your numbers were out by 1 digit?
bulletA: Nope. A miss is as good as six inches in the circumstances.

Scary CarrieThe Real Boss
Scary Carrie's self-appointed role as President Boris' Chief of Staff (de facto, on the spot) is damaging democracy, we are assured, because she has authority without accountability, something which is normally reserved for top civil servants and senior police officers.
   They are getting the hump about all the usurpation going on, and it is being magnified by their impotence.
reader comment“Not to mention all the traditional cronies, who are also feeling intruded upon.” Bon Jorno
reader comment“Rank amateurs who don't know the main rules for backstage manoeuvring are always a problem.” Eplu Rebus
reader comment“She could certainly do with lessons in discretion from TheRazor May's old man.” Mom Petissue

Martian landscapeLimited Magic
marker NASA has been banned from describing pictures of the landscape returned by its latest Mars rover as 'incredible'—especially if they are offering images which are broadly similar to all those returned by everything since the Viking mission, 45 years ago.
   Compared to the variety offered on Earth, one bit of Mars tends to look pretty much like any other if it is open, free of big rocks and therefore a safe place to land a rover.
[For the benefit of anyone who's wondering, yes, that is a Viking landscape above. Ed.]

markerNo great sense of urgency evident
cartoon copper The government needs to create a new policing organization to investigate the police officers who have thus far got away with perverting the course of justice by lying to obtain search warrants in pursuit of gaoled Carl Beech's abuse & murder fantasies.
   Also on the list for investigation should be the Independent Office for Police Conduct, which cleared the detectives involved of wrong doing. The IOPC has been described as a notional watchdog by a former Chief Magistrate for England & Wales.
[Xactly the sort of description we would have applied!! Ed.]
   There is clearly a job the government needs to do but won't, if it has been sitting on the Judge Henriques report for 4 years.

markerBusiness strategy
Online crooks are working harder, we are assured. They're finding that they have more chance of escaping notice if they go for tens of pounds rather than multiples of thousands, and the victim is less likely to go through all the hassle of making a complaint if just a tenner has vanished.

Far Queue symbol "The size of the monstrous ingratitude is matched only by the size of their sense of entitlement." Guess which pair of next month's TV stars that's about.

skull 2Playing the odds
Letting the brakes off Britain right away, President Boris feels, would be a good way to kill off the people who can't or won't be vaccinated against the Chinese plague. And probably quite a lot of others as the available vaccines do not offer 100% protection. Not an argument that seems to impress the instant unlockers.

bulletQ: Why is the government not dashing for an immunity passport scheme?
bulletA: Maybe it has learnt lessons from the Track 'n' Trace shambles. And maybe it doesn't want to shove cash into the pockets of the people who will create false passports.

perspective Bosses are starting to reject working from home as a New Normal. They want their skivers in an office where they can make sure they're doing what their paid to do.

marker After all the drama, the Aussies have gone ahead with their law (somewhat tweaked) to make the likes of FakeBuk and Gooble pay the sources for the news that they distribute. There is an arbitration process, but it has an escape clause for the tech giants.

markerNo surprise—the EFU vaccine roll-out is a shambles and some nations are refusing the Oxford vaccine because it's Britisch.

bullet Vaccine hesitancy—that's the code for the people who won't have it for other than medical reasons.

skullbullet SAGE has confected a scenario which will create a further 91,000 deaths of/with the Chinese plague and crash the UK through the 200,000 barrier.
updateThere is also a worst-case scenario predicting 150,000 plague deaths, which would put the UK within range of crashing the 300,000 deaths barrier.

markerThe official Downing Street Mafia would like it to be known that Creepy Carrie is on maternity leave and not running things there.
reader comment“So she's WFH and doing it by remote control. BFD. Same thing only different.” Naxt Egal
reader comment“That's WFH @ 10, Downing Street?” Moth Darnold

markerExplanation pending
Merseyside Police would like to make it clear that when they drive around with a big sign reading: "Being Offensive is an Offence" on the back of a lorry, they're not telling the customers that being offensive is a criminal offence.
   Their PR person is still trying to work out what the sign was trying to convey.
reader comment“Being a cabbage is not being a carrot?” Con Sular

markerCornish daffodils will be in short supply this year as Eastern Europeon pickers are not turning up—Brexit & the plague are getting the blame—and the work is too demanding physically for the weak & feeble locals.

markerOne-third of freshwater fish species are facing Xtinction. Gorbal warming? Nope, polluted rivers. Still, makes a change from GW.

first class stampmarker The funeral of Sir Captain Tom Moore was held on the last Saturday of the month with as much military honour as the plague rules permitted the British Army and his family to observe. Mercifully, the BBC News channel coverage involved mainly respectful silence without chatter.
reader comment“Lucky to be alive after his wartime exploits in the Far East, Sir Tom achieved international celebrity in the last gleam of his twilight with his fund-raising efforts, proving that it is never too late to do something extraordinary & magnificent. And never too late to be trolled for doing it by envious scumbags.” Jeffer Fulblood

marker Staying at home for your cation? Expect to pay 25%-100% more for your holiday than last year's prices due to the demand. Especially if the EFU keeps its borders closed to the Britisch.

markerDon't got a pocket phone? Don't get in the pub, club, eatery, theatre or whatever, if the digital plague certificates lobby gets its way.
reader comment“Probably don't get on public transport either.” Pan Gyric

marker The EFU has effectively inflicted a 3rd lockdown on Germany, its paymaster, by rubbishing the effectiveness of the Oxford plague vaccine because it's Britisch.

bullet Now that he's a sort of American, Prince Hairy is to be known as 'Haz'. How Xtremely cute!

bullet President Biden showed the world how tough he is by bombing Iranian-backed Syrian terrorists who attacked Americans working in Iraq. Next thing you know, he was demanding a couple of TRILLION dollars from Congress!

boneheadAn Xpert is advocating an open-window policy for schools, claiming it would be much more effective than making the customers wear masks. One small problem—it's bloody cold and the kids would probably end up wearing coats, woolly hats and face masks just to keep warm with a gale blowing through their classroom.

Far Queue symbol The teenage Chancellor has been having great fun dropping hints about all sorts of things he could tax to fill in his economic Brown Hole. And scaring the pants off everyone with two pennies to rub together.
   No surprise that it has been exposed as bluff and messing the customers around, and he's going to do a bit more giving away with money he doesn't have, come next month's Budget.

reader comment“Could it be that the SNP is using the civil war between Wee Burney and the eternal victim A. Salmonella as a smoke-screen to distract attention from the disaster which the party has been for Scotland for more than a decade?” Katrin Trublood

cross symbol Xperts are warning that the Gulf Stream could switch off at the end of this century, plunging Europe into a devastating deep freeze. Which could lead to every descendant of a global warming fraudster being sued for deriving benefit from people who made things colder than they needed to be.

tick symbolContra-wonk manoeuvre
The French have always been very protective of their language. Which makes all the more understandable, the attempt by their parliament to ban gender-neutral words that endanger the language and make learning how to do French properly more difficult.
[Not something we say too often; if at all; but good on the Frogs and more of the same should be done elsewhere. Ed.]

Far Queue symbol The BBC's policy wonk would have us believe that having to pay a licence fee is widely supported by the British public.

skull 1markerLessons will not be learnt
National governments; yes, we mean you, Hungary; have only themselves to blame for letting the Eurocraps in Brussels handle vaccine procurement. Time and again, the Eurocraps have proved their uselessness. Yet they are still entrusted with life-endangering jobs.
meanwhile The Germans are now worried that Europe will still be in locko when this year's Xmas comes around.

bullet Unemployment in Britain is now 174 million.
[Have we run out of decimal points? Ed.]

Irreconcilable alternatives/solutions
bulletTheory: Lockdowns encourage the plague virus to mutate and form variants.
bulletAnswer: Let the less virulent strains run rampant and become dominant by not locking down and reduce the chances of more dangerous variants developing.

reader comment“There are claims that Scary Carrie is not a reincarnation of Lady Macbeth. But there is no getting away from her ultimate threat to President Boris—Do as I say or the haircut gets even more 'orrible!” Coalin Pow

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, February MM21 like anyone cares