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 WEEK 1      

markerWell, that was Joke Bidet put in his place by D. Trump in Florida yesterday evening. Shame the current POTUS was probably asleep and didn't hear any of it. Still, the customers on the spot seemed to enjoy it and be up for as much as was on offer.
reader comment“What we need is the Britisch equivalent of Donald Trump to stand up and say the obvious, namely that any more lock-ins should only apply to those who haven't been vaccinated for non-medical reasons.” Luke Inglass
reader comment“A job for Sir Kreepy? He's not doing anything useful at the moment.” Carl Loctin

markerMore taxpayers’ cash down the drain
What exactly is the point of spending thousands of pounds on gadgets which tangle the propellor on a boatload of illegal immigrants and bring it to a safe dead stop in the Channel?
   Why is it better not to let them make their own way ashore to make a bogus asylum claim, but to arrange for the Border Mafia to collect them @ sea and give them a lift to the shore?

bulletQ: Does anyone care that discarded Tory MP A. Rudd wants an all-female Cabinet as, presumably, a first step toward an all-female Parliament?
bulletA: Nope.


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tick symbolSome cheerful news from the Xperts in Austria—warmer weather could, maybe, might not slow down the spread of the Chinese plague, so expect restrictions to persist through the summer. Although there is a fragment of good news. Even though nothing much is known about the seasonality of the Chinese plague, it is believed to be less pronounced than for flu.

writer comment“President Boris seems incapable of realizing that what the nation really needs is a timetable out of lock-in, not a load of roadmap bollocks and other PRspeak..” R.H.

OFFICIAL Stamp duty is the most pernicious crime ever perpetrated against the community by the government. Predictably, G. "22 Jobs" Osborne was one of the worst offenders.

cross symbol Letting teachers award O- and A-Level scores will make past grade inflation scandals look trivial and devalue the numbers completely. Hey, ho!

skull 2Just doing a bit of lurking
Flu—remember that!—has had a particularly thin time of things this winter due to all the locking-in. 95% less than usual, in fact. BUT, the Xperts cheerfully wish to remind us, flu is still just waiting in the wings pending a resurgence.

eyesDespite having lost just about every shred of credibility over the police nonce confection campaign (and all the rest), Dockson of Dick Green has no intention of stepping down as honcho of the Police of the Metropolis. The story is that she reckons the Home Sec. is her best buddy and she's fireproof.

Wee Burney SturgeonOFFICIAL Wee Burney has been tried in the court of public opinion and found to have turned Scotland into a banana republic without bananas.
   No doubt English taxpayers will be confronted in the near future with a demand for MILLIONs to fund Scottish banana plantations. And no doubt Burney's gang will have some wonderfully sound reason why this is essential.

hello!Far Queue symbol The SNP is being accused of having turned into a clone of what Scottish Labour used to be before it was swept into the bin—arrogant, unaccountable and totally useless. Insults don't get any worse!

marker In politician-speak, "Absolutely, emphatically not" means "I'm not going to answer that question truthfully".

first class stampwriter comment“Vaccine passports are discriminatory? Against whom? Those who can't or won't be vaccinated. Like driving licences discriminate against those who don't want to drive a vehicle. Or 'Her Imperial Majesty requests & requires' passports discriminate against those who don't want to go abroad.” H.T.S.
writer comment“The 'passport' is going to have to be a plastic card, like a credit or security pass card. Definitely not a pocket phone CrApp.” A.L.M.

markerBBC—Bullshit & Bollocks Company
The BBC plans to waste vast amounts of licence fee income on training its staff; like performing animals; to have the right prejudices and to be able to slot themselves into all sorts of categories in the name of diversity bragging.
   No wonder the Beeb nabobs and exbobs are telling us we should be paying 4x the current price for a TV licence. All this BS will definitely not come cheaply.
bullet Counterblast: “It's not all about if it works or not, it's all about ticking boxes & appearing woke.”

first class stampwriter comment“Imagination & research are now being banned & cancelled by woke wonks.
   “If one presumes to write a novel about a case involving a talented Belgian detective, for instance, the wonky trolls will be on your case for not being a detective and not being Belgian.
   “And probably also for breaking the diversity code by making the detective good at his job and shaming all the ones who are crap at what they do.” P.H.T.
reader comment“Not to mention for not appreciating the employment opportunities for detectives created by criminals.” Kevel Lasrouge

Bombshell An Xpert in the Untied States reckons that Xercise might improve muscle tone and keep the heart healthy, but it doesn't burn up calories any faster than lounging around, not doing much.
   So much for all those gyms and personal trainers, who are making a mint out of guilt trips. Peloton? You're just a social club.
   If you want to lose weight, you HAVE to stop stuffing food down your neck.

markerThe BIG Question: Is the number of Tory MPs who are prepared to ignore President Boris and vote against a tax-raising Budget likely to be balanced by the number of Labour MPs who ignore Sir Kreepy and vote for one?

markerBrilliant—some of the time
Slow broadband due to your countryside location? You can choose to go superfast by opting for the E. 'Marsman' Musk Starlink service. If you can afford £440 for the ground station and 90 quid per month for access to an intermittent service because they're still launching the satellites needed to complete the network.

look bothJust doesn’t wash, mate
A novelist bloke reckons coming up with plots is impossible due to the amount of technology that surrounds us. No one can go anywhere without being spied on by CCTV or phone GPS and like that.
   So how come criminals are still making a dishonest living and how come we still have police forces (or farces) and how come current crime resolution figures are so dismal?
   Maybe our novelist friend just needs to try harder. Or give up and rest on his laurels.

markerDeath of Decency continued
The baffling thing about the plague period is the degree to which anti-white racialism has been allowed to flourish. Non-whites are encouraged by their fellows to believe that vaccines created in countries with a white majority won't work on them and, indeed, will probably be harmful.
reader comment“If this is the new-norm, conscious anti-white bias apparently being encouraged by the likes of the people running Oxford colleges, then where's the killer asteroid or the invaders from the planet Zarg, who want to turn the Earth into a luxury cortax swamp?” Wier Ronnit

reader comment“Someone needs to tell the teenage Chancellor that you don't have dates on a roadmap. You have the names of town & cities, and other landmarks, but no dates.” Zak Parody

Wee BurneymarkerThe Scottish Impeachment?
Wee Burney Sturgeon seems to be headed for the above fate following the persistence of the cover up of details about the botched campaign to get rid of the appalling A. Salmonella.
   But should she face a Pelosi moment, she will be encouraged by knowing from its success rate across the pond that it is always just a hollow sham and she's bound to get off.
reader comment“Taxpayers should definitely be jumping up and down and demanding to know what old Salmonella's lawyers did that was worth half a zillion pounds of taxpayers' cash and which jobsworth authorized this outrageous abuse of the taxpayer's generosity.” Robby Nood

Be Advised The nation's urban rat population is looking for someone to sue as closing restaurants to prevent the spread of the plague has cut off their major food supply.

markerMessage to the world’s politicians
You do realize that this no-carbon crap is going to make things infinitely worse when the Gulf Stream switches off at the end of the century? But you're probably not that bothered because you'll all be good and dead by then.

bulletQ: You've not been noticed for ages and you want to be. How do you go about it?
bulletA: Former Chancellor K. Clarke did it by yelling that every tax imaginable should go up in today's Budget to be different from what the current Chancellor, Mr. Snack, is planning in an attempt to create controversy.

markerPlague Pursuit
Roller skates are in short supply as making a fool of yourself on wheels for an auntiesocial meeja video has become the BIG lock-in fad. The craze also provides a further disincentive to going out and about for normal people on two feet, who don't want to have to avoid crazies on 8 wheels as well as looney bikers on two.

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bullet "Everyone should be equal" is most often said by (a) people after a free ride.

markerAt least one-half of Britain's police stations have been closed during the last decade and many of the empty buildings have been turned into cannabis ranches or squats for illegal immigrants. Which means that the Britisch enterprise culture is still thriving.

Bombshell Addie Hitler is not to blame, the Xperts now reckon. He was bullied by his father and it's all Dad's fault.

bullet Israel is doing its level best to start a shooting war with Iran.

bullet The Chinese government is doing its level best to find a prison place for everyone living in Hong Kong.

bullet Some Xperts are doing their level best to use the Brazilian variant of the Chinese plague as an Xcuse for making lock-in permanent.

bullet Vaccine manufacturers are hoping that the government can be persuaded that THREE shots of different products are necessary for super-protection against the Chinese plague.

Far Queue symbol The Labour party's deputy leader is trying to add another TRILLION to the national debt with the stuff she's charging to her expenses during lock-in.

marker The Home Sec. is talking about giving people-smugglers caught in the act of doing it in the English Channel a STONKING prison sentence. But is it just talk?

marker Despite gorbal warming and HUGE rises in sea levels, Venice has managed to let its canal/sewage system run dry for the second time in 3 years.

translation T&Cs apply = What you actually get is a lot less than what you have been led to think you'll get.

bulletQ: How do you avoid being subject to inconvenient plague rules?
bulletA: Be O.J. Corbynstein.

Dilyn walking BorismarkerDippy the Dog is history
President Boris now has a Japanese robot, which looks Xactly the same as the untrainable pooch but doesn't chew up valuable articles and pee & crap all over the place. The robot was quite expensive but it is Xpected to pay for itself in a matter of a few weeks now that Pres. Boris is no longer having to shell out for repairs.

markerIdle hours & idle minds
Today's parlour game is being cutely woke and finding fault with traditional concepts, e.g. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—this offends on the grounds of numberism, speciesism, sexism & tranquillityism. Should be a great success when family & other gatherings become possible again.

bulletQ: You used to be the president of France and you're convicted of attempted bribery. What do you get?
bulletA: Probably, away with it on appeal.

Brexit stampreader comment“One way to break the 300,000 plague deaths barrier would be to tack on all the deaths from cancers & other conditions which were not treated because of the plague.” Bacs Lang
reader comment“If they weeded out all the deaths due entirely to previously existing conditions, we wouldn't be in any danger of getting close to the 100,000 barrier.” Prak Tickle

bulletQ: Does President Boris have a roadmap or a roadcrap?
bulletA: Probably. Depends who's going on about it.

reader comment“Any copper who tells a member of the public 'We need to check your thinking' should be marched to the nearest prison and locked up as a contribution to public safety.” Joop Quiller

Kerching!Drones are currently in short supply with a domestic summer holiday season in prospect. The plan is to give saturation video coverage to popular holiday spots and land a MASSIVE fine on litter louts to pay for the surveillance and generate a healthy profit.

reader comment“Major lock-out blunder—not letting golf clubs reopen right away.” Haro Glyfic

reader comment“It is insanely absurd to equate 1/06 with 9/11, especially as all the trubble up the Senate in January was over by teatime and the inmates were back to their nefarious plotting right away. It's just victimhood crap still running riot.” Enton Thes

reader comment“Is Prince Philip being cloak & daggered from hospital to hospital? Or is he just being shielded from vultures? Deferably the latter.” Sangré Minimal

bullet Attention Everyone The Victim Card is broken. Overuse by Mhegan, apparently.

Knee of GraceGetting a grip
If it is perfectly okay for a charity to pay for furbishing the official residence of the head of state in the Untied States, it is okay to do it here. Thus there is no need for President Boris to Xplore the concept 'in secret'.
   All he needs to do is be frank and admit that his current earning power ain't up to the demands of 'er indoors for refurbing the PM's Downing Street flat and come up with a roadmap to the charity.
reader comment“It would be a really good idea to make the PM's Flat Fund an external operation with a fixed budget to prevent the likes of Scary Carrie going nutz.” Trigger Treat

BombshellSympathy tank showing empty
We are still struggling to get over the shock of the Supreme Court dealing a poke in the eye to the UK's Fifth Column of terrorism supporters and the Court of Appeal by denying the Bride of Daesh permission to come here from Syria to whinge about losing her Britisch passport for treason.

FangryRe: Prince Hairy becoming ‘Haz’
reader comment“Short for HazMat?” Solly Drok
reader comment“How about Crin, short for Cringeworthy, instead?” Stoney Broke
reader comment“Screwsh? Short for excruciating?” Nokan Dhu

reader comment“The Rt. Hon. A. Salmonella? Yes, that's what it said on his name plaque when he was doing his act for the Scittish Parliament. He's a Right One for sure. But honourable?” Imm Pinge

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first class stampwriter comment“The notion that people can write only about their own experiences is absurd. Are we really expected to do without Tales of Mystery & Imagination? If that's where the cancel culture—that's culture as in something grown in a petri dish or on mouldy bread—is going, we need a virus which will target this mentality specifically and wipe it out ruthlessly.” L.G.R.

bullet Scary Carrie has been outed as the Nicola Sturgeon of Downing Street.

markerNo danger of reality show
The NeatFlix series allegedly about the Royal Family in the 1980s is loosely based on the truth, according to Prince Screwsh. So loosely based, in fact, that it became detached completely some 0.003 milliseconds into episode 1.

marker Definition of a Moron: Someone who paid £60 for a half-litre bottle of fresh coastal Cornish air which was actually bottled 10 miles into Devon.
reader comment“Shrink that a bit. Anyone who pays 60 quid for a bottle of air is a moron.” Barry Kobammer

markerCredibility Chasm
President MacRon has been forced to put on his 'pretending to be honest' face and declare that if it were offered, he would have an armful of the Oxford plague vaccine in an attempt to jolly the vaccine-reluctant French people into action.
   His main problem is one of credibility as he wears the same face when spreading fake news about the Britisch vaccine.
In Germany, it's not so much a case of vaccine hesitancy as most of the population pretending to be afraid of needles and hiding in the cellar in the hope that the Chinese plague will just go away of its own accord.
   Kanzler Mherkel's refusal to have an armful of the Oxo vaccine is not helping matters any.

first class stampreader comment“Dippy the Dog explained—he has taken on the characteristics of his owner, Scary Carrie!” Pan Handle

reader comment“The reason for the EFU's fake news campaign against the Oxo vaxo is clear—having made a total bog of procuring supplies of vaccines, the EFU is telling people they're dangerous to ensure that they have enuff to go round despite severely limited supplies. Put people off and they won't ask for something that's not available. Simple!” Mann Churia
translation EFU claims shortage of clinical data = EFU lying to cover up failing to order supplies in time due to stoopid burrocrazy.

Vote SNPbulletQ: Can someone be stitched up like the proverbial kipper if he is a thoroughly nasty piece of work to begin with?
bulletA: Sounds like a logical impossibility.

bulletQ: If someone on the public payroll behaves badly and his colleagues have the bad manners to notice his misconduct, does that make him innocent?
bulletA: Oh, deferably! Especially in Scotland, where they have an alternative to justice system.

Another blast from the past recycled from 2014/09
Substitute the current First Meenister and it still works!

Alex Salmond

He's a politician

He wants to be the first president of post-Union Scotland
He'll tell you anything to get there
He'll tell you everything will be wonderful if he's in charge
It's naive to think he'll tell the truth

He's a politician – they don't get the truth

markerThis week’s put-down
"How tall are you?"
   "Five foot ten. Why do you ask?"
"I just wanted to know how big an idiot you are."

Far Queue symbol theGrauniad is full of IRA apologists? Tell us something we didn't know.
reader comment“They're going to have to change the name of the thing to theGuardIRAn to avoid falling foul of the Trade Descriptions Act.” Megan Droops

first class stampreader comment“Boris's Really Big Budget Problem for rebuilding the family flat @ 11 Downing Street seems to be that Scary Carrie wanted everything gold-plated.” Kelly Forum

bulletQ: Is it a scandal if the Tory party paid for Scary Carrie's makeover @ 11 Downing Street?
bulletA: Not in the minds of grateful taxpayers if they didn't have to cough up the cash, only in the minds of confecting idiots.
reader comment“A major vote of thanks for this patriotic act by the Tories and may the biggest bucket of bad luck imaginable land on the miserable gits in the news meeja who are moaning about it.” Arabama Neater

bullet The Green party is intent on deposing Labour as the flag-wavers for anti-semmitism when the campaigning for the May local government elections begins at the end of next month.

bulletQ: You want a top job in the management of a teaching union. What's your best platform?
bulletA: Start yelling for the members to go on strike if schools have to open again after being closed by the plague.

zapped Devastating news for the teaching unions—plague infection rates for teachers are LOWER than for the general population and do not justify keeping schools closed. Which means that the union bosses have lost their best Xcuse for keeping their customers @ home.

reader comment“Locko is more like a snail sentence than a jail sentence with most things at a dead stop.” Rob Ichaud

RevealedWhy Prince Haz had to get out of Dodge
He and his missus, Maz, were behaving like spoilt brats, bullying staff, driving away the sensitive ones and those who stayed put would have nothing to do with them. So the Terrible Two had to relocate 6,000 miles away to get their adoration quota filled.
first class stampreader comment“Haz & Mhegan have thrust 'vice' arm-deep into 'service' and drowned it in a bucket of faux compassion.” Olly Verdad
reader comment“They should call what they do conpassion because that's how much sincerity seems to be involved.” S. Treuth
reader comment“Let us put the 'chew' into Ah, hell!” Bombda Fukoota
[Well, why not? Ed.]
reader comment“Let us not forget that service to the cause of self-enrichment is what the American Dream is all about.” Inty Grall
reader comment“And it is perfectly acceptable to be a Dreamer as long as you pay your taxes and make your contribution to supporting the scroungers.” Flue O'Ride

marker The Archybishop of York reckons that the Church of England should become more blatantly (left-wing) political. This is seen as a first step to claiming cash from the taxpayer for the CoE's political services to dodgy sections of the community, no matter how worthless those services turn out to be—or how worthless the recipients are, of course.

Bombshell The BBC's fund-raising wing is blowing £15.3 million per year of licence money on trying to frighten the owners of licenceless properties into buying one, even it they don't need one.
reader comment“They tried that on my father, who ended up owning adjacent semis when his parents died—they had lived next door. When the Beeb Bods demanded access to the one without a licence to do a search for his secret TV, he told them okay if they were prepared to pay £130 up front for his time and supervising their search. The threats stopped.” Elly Mentary

first class stampreader comment“There's going to be a space tourist hotel built by robots in 2027? No doubt there's a competition already going on between terrestrial terrorist gangs to be the first to come up with a plan to assault it and Xtract zillions as a ransom.” Dick Tater
reader comment“Shame Arnold Schwarzenberger will be far too old to do the film in which an American hero bashes all the bad guys and saves the place. Same with Slyvester Stallone and Rob Van Dam's Belgian brother.” Nati Petunia
reader comment“If NASA is planning to charge mugs $50 MILLION for lurking about on the ISS for a while, imagine how much you'd have to pay for a space holiday somewhere comfortable!” King Pin

Knee of Grace The EFU vaccine programme is dropping to bitz as nations to the south & east of Brussels start making their own arrangements to get supplies of Chinese plague vaccines, having given up hope of getting anything from the EFU scam this side of Xmas.

Far Queue symbol Toxic Swamp Claims The Queen's Household Regalia team is investigating a whole shoal of allegations of emotional abuse & intimidation against Haz & Maz, the top people's paper, The Times, has revealed. There seems to be a wealth of evidence available from minions who felt driven out of the Royal household by the poisonous pair.
reader comment“No doubt the Haz 'n' Maz Survivors' Club will be holding an annual dinner in due course; after everyone has been vaccinated, of course.” Hoyzin Sorce

skull 2Target: Conspicuous Consumption!
The Xperts have found that the Chinese plague is killing most people in those countries with the highest o'besity rates.
   Those making a living out of monitoring and pontificating on public health are divided as to whether this is a good thing or a bad thing.

marker The French Justice Ministry is actively considering designating a court suite as its Court Sarcozy as the wheels of justice are expected to keep on hauling the former presidential spiv before magistrates & judges for the next 10-15 years as his sleaze in office is picked over for indictable bitz.

bulletQ: Remind us, what did he get out of the last court visit?
bulletA: Three years in gaol, 2 cancelled, the rest converted to home arrest on a tag, subject to an appeal.

marker Mik Gorb O'Chov, the last First Grabber of the Soviet Union, is still around at the age of 90. He has a foundation. The current boss of Putinstan owns most of the Russian Black Sea coast, which reflects the HUGE advantages of ditching communism in favour of openness, reconstruction and rule by oligarchs.

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cross symbol The launch slogan of BBC 4, which was inflicted on the nation 19 years ago this month, was "Everybody needs a place to think". The viewing figures would appear to suggest otherwise.

markerHAND (Have A Nice Day) has acquired a companion—HAROLD (Have A Really Obscenely Lousy Day).

reader comment“Sir Kreepy's main objection to the Budget seems to be that the teenage Chancellor didn't included a plan for what the government will be doing in 2037. Barrel scraper, or what!” Michel Boose

bullet Virtue Deficit
The world reels in shock. Mhegan has been accused of perpetuating falsehoods.

markerMassively spurious argument
A charity to pay for the upkeep & refurbishment of the Downing Street official flats would give Tory donors a chance to buy influence @ No. 10? The notion has driven a discarded waxwork into a state of aghastness. But it will happen only if Labour & other party adherents keep their hands in their pockets and let the Tories take all the strain. And they will have no legitimate grounds for objection if they do.
[Not that something so self-evident will prevent whingeopolis meltdown. Ed.]

 WEEK 2      

Knee of Grace Hybrid cars can use 400% more hydrocarbon fuel than their manufacturers claim. Are we surprised? Not really. If they lied & swindled shamelessly about emissions, who's going to Xpect them not to do more of the same about fuel consumption? Or not claim more than double the distance their vehicles can actually travel between charges.

markerJust plain useless
English Heritage, the alleged guardian of our national treasures, has known for years that the foundations of Hurst Castle were crumbling. The East Wing is now in the sea. The management of EH is probably hoping that the same fate will overtake what's left so that they can concentrate more fully on confecting links to slavery.

cross symbol The miracle of the interweb! Parents seeking an imaginary illness to inflict upon their unfortunate offspring are finding Dr. Gooble a marvellous source of inspiration.

markerFree trade? Forget it!
Putins is in trouble for trying to reduce the number of undesirables @ its holiday camps. The company has been advised that the interests of the majority are always trumped by those of a vexatious minority.

bullet The word Chinaman has been cancelled for being countryist & sexist. Ditto also Englishman, Scotsman & Welshman?

bullet The nation's 'elf narzis are trying to tell us that including chicken in your diet is just as lethal as consuming red meat.

bulletQ: Is it cruel to sit on a dead horse?
bulletA: Anyone who thinks that is an idiot or a confecter with an agenda.

markerExtended Proverb: Where there is no sense, there is no feeling but there may be poorly confected outrage.

first class stampreader comment“Despite all the confection, Wee Burney still has her job and Mr. Salmonella is still an outcast. Their problem is that neither is the hero of their spat and if both of them dropped dead, no one would give a rattenkranz.” Ainé Fouquet
reader comment“Wee Burney's defence against all the accusations of misconduct appears to be her rotten memory. Is Scotland well served by a First Meenister who doesn't know which day of the week it is or what she was up to the previous day? Or how & when she stitched up her current worst enemy?” Ptero Dactyl

markerAn attack of good sense
After receiving a smack round the back of the head, Germany's health minister has been forced to admit that the Oxford vaccine for the Chinese plague does work for the over-65s.
   The identity of the lucky person who got to deliver the slap to anti-vaxxer Angular Mherkel is being kept a close secret.
[To be leaked in days rather than hours. Ed.]

bulletQ: How much difference will the UK's carbon neutrality policies make to The Planet's climate?
bulletA: A few people not peeing in the swimming pool will make not the slightest difference if there is a main sewer emptying in to it.

reader comment“People can get locked up for not wearing a mask in a bank? Never going to happen. Finding a branch open to do it in, I mean.” R.U. 'Joe' King

bullet The Hazzer & Mazzer TV Show is just a damp squib? Quel surprise!

Far Queue symbol Labour's health sec. wannabe is agitating for the NHS to go on strike. Trying to boost the plague deaths statistics?

skull 1Nutters in Action
Sweden had an anti-lockdown protest in Stockholm @ the weekend just gone—even though the government there decided not to do locko. So what was it all about, the demo? A bunch of anti-vaxxers exercising their democratic right to complain that flu vaccines cause the Chinese plague, as does wearing a face mask, and 5G phones cause plague symptoms.
   Immigration into Sweden and Louis Pasteur, a creator of the concept of vaccines, also got a kicking. There was a punch-up when the police joined in.

Lotz about Scotz
Far Queue symbol Two-thirds of Scots think that their teeny First Meenister has been lying to them over the Salmonella Abandonment Scam. But she is still not going to resign for breach of the ministerial code.
bullet A majority of her fellow Scots don't think independence from English taxpayers is a brilliant idea, but that's not something Wee Beesom wants to hear.

eyes We are being invited to believe that the Scots kept the SNP in power in their devolved parliament for 14 years because, after decades of Labour control of local government, they are unable to cope with having competent politicians in charge of administering their lives.

skull 2There’s always a reason
Angular Mherkel's appreciation of the leaden communist era in eastern Germany, and the freedoms she enjoyed by being part of the gang, is being offered as the reason why she trusted the leaden burrocrazy of the EFU to handle the Europeon plague vaccine procurement campaign.

tick symbol Having delivered Brexit, N. Farage (no peerage yet?) is taking the exit road from politics in favour of turning his public arena combat talents on the wokists and their destructive agenda.

look rightmarkerWhat the SNP can’t admit
"The Scittish government has provided the Salmonella investigation committee with all the information it requested and apologizes for the delays caused by the need to perform a thorough political sanitization upon it to protect the current First Meenister."

Far Queue symbol The National Association of Ambulance Chasers is hoping to swipe more cash from the taxpayer's pocket by getting customers to sue President Boris over the government's handling of the Chinese plague crisis.

bulletQ: Does D. Abbott get 50% of the flak aimed at female MPs because she is black as well as a woman?
bulletA: The Abacus Lady gets the flak because she seems to be totally disconnected from reality and not bothered about confirming it every time she opens her gob.

markerLiberation approaches
Not just humans are in quarantine in Norway. The penguins in Bergen Aquarium have been in isolation to protect them from a highly infectious strain of bird flu. But they are about to receive second shots of a vaccine, which will allow them to resume what is normal life for them.

cross symbol Edinburgh city council is including the grave of iconic economist Adam Smith in its cancellation programme based on spurious slavery links.
   The first Duke of Wellington and Scottish icon Rabbi Burns are also on the cancellation list of Scotland's second city.

police helmetbullet The nation's police are having a real struggle to come up with enuff terror plots by Right-wing Xtremists to match those cooked up by Islamist gangs, as required by idiotic diversity rulz.

bullet After centuries of opposing both, the Labour party in Scotland has decided that it is now in favour of business & job creation.

Far Queue symbol Any dispensed-with civil servant who costs the taxpayer the best part of 400 grand after throwing a wobbly should have his K removed swiftly & painfully.

markerMust-have product of the day:
Houmeric turmous—available at an extortionate price at all outlets aimed at the nation'sTop People.

good news Brexit means that the UK is no longer subject to the retaliatory punitive luxury goods tariffs applied to EFU member countries by the government of the Untied States.
   Whisky manufacturers & consumers in particular are delighted.

eyesToo rich to be bothered
The French always have to be different. In most countries, it's the peasantry who are most likely to catch the Chinese plague. But in France, the Top 10% are most at risk, according to a recent study.
   This is being blamed on their choosing to ignore the two lockdowns imposed on everyone else and continuing to meet friends & family regardless. And travel to and from their second homes. And employ babysitters and other staff and potential spreaders.

eyes According to the ancient sage J. Paxperson, the BBC is full of boring old farts doing dull jobs and pretending they're important. Well, he should know, having been one of them!

boned police helmetTotal absence of surprise
Agents of the Police of the Metropolis have investigated the avalanche of complaints made against the disgraced BBC journalist M. BashedEar and ruled that his account of his misdeeds in re the notorious Princess Di TV interview are credible & true and he should be allowed to get away with every bit of dishonesty that went into winding up Di.
   This is firmly in line with the current woke policing policy, which rules that no perpetrator is too poisonous to be given as many further chances and he/she/it requires.

bullet Dinky jacket: Plastic donkey jacket clone that contains a fancy designer label and cost £1,750.

bullet The Swedish government has changed the law to oblige major banks to provide cash machines for branchless customers out in rural areas. Something that could be done here, too, but isn't.

Knee of GraceGlad to be gone
The burrocraps in Brussels are grinding their teeth as they watch EFU member nations approve using the Oxford vaccine for the Chinese plague and emphasize just what a miserable failure the EFU's vaccine procurement programme has been. Meanwhile, in Germany, the government is watching its vital trade with UK collapse post-Brexit as a result of its depreciation of all things Britisch.

Far Queue symbol "Ex-Grauniad editor hits out @ IRA-supporting contributor".
   More than the current editor's job is worth to do it?

cross symbol The Notional Truss is blaming its failure to maintain the properties entrusted to its care on climate change rather than idleness and incompetence on the part of its management, and its obsessions with pointless fads such as confecting links to slavery for all of its benefactors.

Knee of GraceAlways the same story
The Britisch public is invited to deliver a slow handclap to the leaders of health industry unions @ 8 p.m. on Thursdays for agitating for doctors & nurses to go on strike for a 12.5% pay rise during a pandemic.

bullet White actors seem to have been subjected to heavy & hostile discrimination in this year's BAFTA nominations. Probably as an attempt to suck up to the BLAME Bunchers.

Kreepy pantstick symbol Things seem to be going particularly well for Sir Kreepy Steamer at the moment. No one has noticed what a useless lump he is for ages with the Hazzer & Mazzer circus on-going with little other news on offer.

marker If you see a kid lurking near your car; even one as young as 6 years old; you have grounds to panic. Gangs of them are being trained to steal goodies from cars to fund drug buys as the gang leaders know that the police will ignore both the car crimes and the drug trades.

Yawn 2bullet Not much worth watching on TV if a guestimated 11 million people were reduced to watching the Hazzer & Mazzer soap.
reader comment“Not really reality TV as they seem to be completely divorced from it.” Niel Klovac
reader comment“Did you watch it?” R. U. Screwing
reader comment“Joke!” Niel Klovac
reader comment“Me neither.” R. U. Screwing
[Me three. Ed.]

skull 2One more cross to bear
Some care homes are having to shove up their already enormous fees by thousands of pounds to maintain profit levels and increase the already enormous salary levels of senior managers. The Chinese plague has left them desperately short of paying customers, with a much reduced demand for the future in prospect.

1st class stampreader comment“They really ought to treat Prince Hairy like the Bride of Daesh and take away his passport for treason.” Fran Tastiq
reader comment“One-sixth of the population are saddos who watched the HazMaz show? Makes you proud to be Britisch.” Brama Lard
reader comment“Excluding people like President Boris from the above, of course. And other unfortunates whose job involved doing it.” Ké Serra
reader comment“How many millions are going to end up in the pockets of all the people Mazzer bullied?” E. Klips
reader comment“And the pockets of their lawyers!” Ann Grifect

hello!Lies, damned lies & the EFU
The EFU is seeking to deflect attention from its incompetent vaccine procurement programme with a campaign of fake news against the UK. The latest claim is that Britain is banning the export of all vaccines and medical products produced in the UK.
   The EU's deputy ambassador to the UK, N. Mannion, has received an official slap round the back of the head from our Foreign Sec., D. Raab, and informed that there will be a lot more of the same if the lies continue.
reader comment“The president of the Europeon Council and source of all the lies, C. Michel, seems to be using the same PR agency as Hazzer & Mazzer!” Bow Lingball

cross symbol The regime in Putinstan is having to censor Twatter as the auntiesocial meeja company is failing to remove remarks hostile to Vlad the Putin & gang within seconds, as demanded.

Far Queue symbol Wee Burney Sturgeon has succeeded in shifting some of the flak associated with her war with former SNP leader A. Salmonella on to her deputy. Who will be next? her immediate circle is wondering.

first class stampreader comment“Two mokes on a TV whinge show who are not under any obligation to tell the truth, the whole truth or anything like the truth. Let us not forget that.” Anton Deq
reader comment“Especially if it's just an episode of a soap opera which is paying them big bucks.” Gerra Fukoot
reader comment“It is actually possible for someone 50% of colour not to be appreciated because they're obnoxious.” Raymey Stereo

tick symbol If the Britisch press is to be labelled as a buncha bigots for not slavishly recording every tiny whinge from Hazardous Mazzer, and ray sist if the admiration level drops below 101%, S.O.B. it.
reader comment“That has to be this week's quota of bollocks used up early for the Hazzer & Mazzer whinge. Maybe the papers will have something interesting to say from now on.” Dev Radget

look bothmarkerA fine example of You Can’t Win Syndrome
Non-white people are avoiding vaccination whilst the BLAME Bunchers are claiming that the government is doing nothing about giving them priority.

markerThe bloke who masterminded the £26 MILLION Brink's-Mat gold bullion robbery has died penniless after being swindled out of his share of the loot by the other criminals. Everyone say: "Aaaaah!"

markerYour move, matie
Britain's Brexit Bloke has warned the EFU that if it doesn't end its Brexit sulk, it can expect even more boycotts of Europeon goods & services. We Britisch would rather deal with friends than enemies.

marker If you feel you need to take lessons in how to fold your towels, you do indeed have a meaningless and empty life.

markerThe old muck & brass story
The Tesco supermarket chain is encouraging shoppers to accept muddy spuds as they have a longer shelf life. Customers are assured that they will not be charged for the mud. No doubt there is an algoreithm to allow for its weight.

skull 2marker The Burmese government has felt the need to hire a Canadian PR firm to explain why it has been obliged to shoot and kill so many of the people who are out in the streets, demonstrating against the army's takeover from their apologist A. Kyi.

Some TV bloke called P. Morgan has informed the nation that he doesn't believe a word that the argumentative American Mazzer utters. Morgan is now being positioned as the champion of the anti-wonk cause and his career prospects are currently soaring.

first class stampreader comment“Building compassion around the world for women by bullying your female staff is a great example of making life a real challenge for yourself. But, no doubt, Mazzer feels up for it.” Trina Static
reader comment“Mazzer seems to be a prime example of a proper little madam. And irredeemably ray cist to boot.” Rachal Canal
[And she should be. Ed.]
reader comment“The pair of them, HazMaz, are in the right place if they want to dive into the clutches of the head-shrinking industry. But could even the pockets of NeatFlix be deep enuff to keep up with the bills?” Beau Nafides
reader comment“It's all a sad saga of smear & smurgle by a semiquartet of simpering sadists. And other words beginning with 's'.” Formy Kasid

eyesT-trash & B-trash
The abundant pre-publicity for the HazMaz Soap has all been downgraded to trailer trash—material taken out of context deliberately with the aim of trashing the reputations of your targets before the programme airs.
   This practice was continued during the actual broadcast, which has accordingly been downgraded to on-air or broadcast trash.

cross symbol One of the world's top astrologers has assured us that the wheels are going to come off both of them and Haz will be the first for a come-uppance.

eyes Former prime monster A. B. Liar is in the doghouse for stealing the ideas of the current Health Secretary, Hancock's Half Hour, and passing them off as his own inspirations. Even if it is the New Labour way.

skull 1bullet No wonder the Trivial Democraps are trivial & irrelevant. They think the EFU should be given charge of the Britisch vaccine rollout programme.

bullet The Pope, in no danger of being blown up, would like Iraq's Christians to forgive their murderous & Xplosive Islamist neighbours.

markerWe count too
Okay, only a small proportion of Islamists are exploding, but given their known presence everywhere and their history of atrocities, and lacking a means of spotting the murderous ones, we can not be deprived of our 'uman right to be cautious and protect ourselves. No matter how much Those People start jumping up and down and yelling about ray sism and undiversity.

Kerching! The mental 'elf industry is officially 'disturbed' by 'resting' TV pundit P. Morgan's refusal to believe anything that Maz claims is true and the industry has concerns about damage to its image, credibility and income.

markerBack to Square Zero
Educationist Xperts are warning that being locked in has created stressed schoolkids, who will be disruptive when they are allowed back into classes and, more than likely, they will end up being sent back to their home for bad behaviour.

Far Queue symbol The £90 MILLION/year quango Historic England would have us believe—at a cost to the taxpayer of 16 grand for the confection—that the Alton Towers amusement park is a product of the slave trade.
first class stampreader comment“There is not a queue far enuff for wonks like these.” F.U. Three
reader comment“Something Prince Haz is going to have to apologize to The World for—going there as a kid with his mother and having a good time.” Sirk Reepy
reader comment“The government has good grounds for cancelling this outfit for fake newsery. But, of course, it won't.” Wonwee Curlier

bulletQ: Is there anything that doesn't have a World Day? If not, why not?
bulletA: Paedophiles don't seem to have an official one. Neither do dustmen and sewage farms. And nutty professors.

first class stampreader comment“Vested & panted interest—all the Royal correspondents going into attack mode in the face of a threat to their living!” Labi Rinth
reader comment“We really are getting totally tired of listening to people going on about their mental 'elf. We don't assault them with our problems so why should we have to put up with theirs?
   “Stop being so bloody selfish & self-obsessed. Go and do something useful for a change.” Labi Noche

skull 1There’s still a lot of it about
Germany is having its 3rd wave of the Chinese plague and the boss, Angular Mherkel, is warning the customers not to expect anything much in the way of an improvement until the summer. Which makes a change from threatening lock-in until Xmas! Neighbouring Switzerland is also experiencing a rise in infection rates.
   The Swedes, meanwhile, are having to give local authorities the power to close parks and other outdoor spaces to deprive the anti-vaxxers of places to hold daft demos.

reader comment$27 MILLION for the family of George Floyd, who came to a sticky end whilst resisting arrest? Are they going to donate it to the people whose property was trashed by the BLAME Bunch rioters?” Meg Awatt
reader comment“Are the family suddenly going to discover they have 27 million best friends they didn't know about, all Xpecting a hand-out of some sort?” Semi Lina
reader comment“Is there some sort of weird HazMaz parity exercise going on?” Inspector Cad
reader comment“27 million drinks and/or a coupla hunnerd bucks till I get straight. How much does that add up to?” Ma Shlart
reader comment“If American cops are Xpected to be extra nice when busting non -white criminals, can we Xpect an improvement in the behaviour of the customers, like doing the 'fair cop' thing and going quietly? Joke. It's strictly one-way traffic.” Badger McCan't

Maz splatteredFar Queue symbol + + + Haz 'n' Maz send sexist and ray sist demand to BBC ++ + 'Old, white men' not allowed to talk about their US TV whinge + + + Maz condemned as leftist, ray sist & narcisist by rivals + + + Haz 'n' Maz squadron of aides now being positioned as brilliant but unlistened to + + + Maz wearing frock that looked like it had been splattered by a flock of seagulls on TV show cited as prime instance of unlistening + + + What H&M really want finally revealed—to be worshipped, but only from afar and by people who are prepared to pay to do it properly + + +

Knee of GraceWho’s Next? (from the album of the same name)
Men who mow a lawn regularly to keep the grass short and looking neat are being accused by a gardening pundit of wrecking The Planet and the nation's wildlife.
   Well, their turn had to come around sometime.

Be Advised Cutting grass deprives slugs of a handy habitat from which to launch assaults on flowers & veg.
reader comment“Maybe the pundit who wants grass cutting cancelled is in the pocket of the slug pellet manufacturing industry.” Bruce Helles

Ad Attack Today’s BRILLIANT Offer:
Five Are Cancelled
by Enid Blighted (2021)
202 blank pages, plain jacket printed white on white, £12.99
Romiley Bookstore, 14c Riverside Drive

markerThe sales pitch is everything
Those brilliant Xperts have discovered that a red wine's taste is rated more highly if people tell their victims that cheap plonk is the expensive stuff just before the victim takes a swig.

tick symbol In the Untied States, the 100 millionth lucky customer is about to receive a shot of vaccine for the Chinese plague. President Trump, in an unusual burst of honesty by meeja, is getting the credit for the roll-out programme.

Ad Attack Today’s Other BRILLIANT Offer:
Five Wedgie Woke
by Enid Unblighted (2021)
Full colour jacket, 398 pp, contains this story & the full text of
the story that was cancelled as a bonus add-on, £10.99
Romiley Bookstore, 14c Riverside Drive

tick symbol President Boris has taken the unusually sensible step of ignoring the cheeky persons of ill-will who go on about how much Scary Carrie's remodelling of their Downing Street flat cost and who got to pay for most of it.
reader comment“Sir Kreepy Steamer is conflating the amount Scary Carrie spent on the Downing Street makeover with the £760 MILLION it costs the taxpayer to give nurses a 1% pay rise. Didn't take him long to go from ineffectual lawyer to ineffectual politician.” Rev O'Lting

first class stampreader comment“It's quite pragmatic politics, when you think about it. Selling off the Queen's Flight. At 94, she can't be expected to go swanning around the world any more. If anyone really needs to see her, they can come here. And when Prince Chazzer takes over, he can always command Boris Force One to be made available for his personal use.” Woody Alien

markerFeet on the ground
Not wishing to call an Open University professor a twit, we will content ourselves by saying that a meteorite landing on someone's driveway is not a totally unique event by any manner of means.
   In fact, when these things make it all the way through the atmosphere, they are usually spotted only because they have made a big hole in someone's car.

Want to feel good about your immune system this Spring?
Protect it from the Chinese plague with Manuka ProxTherapy

£35 per 450 gm jar, £58 per kit of syrup, pastilles & capsules
Only from Megano & Wilf of Romiley, 14 Riverside Lane

Exercisese de Style French Cockney Primer:
mourir = to die, demain = tomorrow.

bulletQ: The North Korean Corbynist Fuk Jon Sno is still breeding at the age of 73. Has he no sense of responsibility?
bulletA: Apparently not.

markerDoing us a favour by accident
There seems to be a distinct division in the world at the moment. The UK's friends are saying they can't get enuff of the Oxford vaccine and our enemies are claiming that it's a killer and they want nothing to do with it. While leaves all the more for the UK's friends.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

 WEEK 3      

markerNot with a BANG! but with buckets of slander
The biggest crime of the Wonk Tendency has to be inclusivity. One policeman is arrested on suspicion of kidnapping and killing one woman, and suddenly all men are killers and no woman is safe anywhere or ever.
   One Team Sky doctor is done for prescribing testosterone to one cyclist and suddenly, all doctors are pushers and all cyclists are druggies.
   Next thing you know, there will be a panic about the world running short of tar and the brushes to apply it. But, no doubt, the ever-eager Chinese will leap into action to bridge the supply gap.

markerWhat a turn up!
Dockson of Dick Green in line for the boot not for past crimes against humanity but because the Med did Xactly the right thing by dispersing a mob of entitled, plague-spreading wimmin, who confected a riot!
first class stampreader comment“What was stopping them from having their vigil on-line if the official one was cancelled? Apart from the usual conviction that rules are for other people.” X. O'Duss
reader comment“Isn't it really dreadful, knowing that Dockson's minions did the right thing, the poor-me, handcuffed females confected their plight and therefore Dockson is fireproof? And now wearing a veneer of victimhood, like the handcuffed customers.” Rich Wilts

bullet Today's Big Question: Who would have won a bar fight between Elly Mental and Aladdin Sane?

bullet Definitions For Today: attention-seeker Haz or Maz.
first class stampreader comment“Had to happen. Totally predictable. Haz 'n' Maz are being accused of recycling the script used by Princess Di when she did the BashedEar Show millions of years ago.” Yehl O'Roza
reader comment“HazMaz's objection to the news meeja is that they hold them to account and keep reminding everyone of their blunders. Hence all the froth & BS about ray sism.” Troy Angular

tick symbol At least most of today's pensioners will be excused having to listen to His Archiness when he recycles the family whinge 25 years from now. Or maybe his sister will do it.

Far Queue symbol This week’s absurd niggle: The word 'niggling' is a ray sist insult if used on the same planet as someone who is 50% of colour.

Far Queue symbol The Society of Editors has been cancelled for indulging in Xtreme wonkiness and pitching its figurehead into the abyss.

marker The Chinese government has introduced a new system for the Peking subway. Those who show consistent support for the regime will be allowed to skip security checks and board trains without having to hang around for ages.

first class stampreader comment“Here's a good one! A TV psychic entertainer is going to sue an insurance company for losing his fortune-telling powers after he failed to predict that he would be rear-ended by another driver in London 5 years ago. Sounds like he should be told you can't lose something you never had but you can't rely on the wonky court system to do what it should do. Not when there's a lawyer in search of a payday.” Des Tination

Far Queue symbol The operators of the botanic gardens @ Kew are spending a large fortune on confecting links to slavery for everything growing there. Sounds like locko boredom is driving idle minds to mischief-making.

marker The Royal Mail is having to offer a Sunday delivery service, thanks to lock-in and the demands of online shopping. But only for parcels, which are providing the company with record profits. Letters remain in decline thanks to the internet.

markerBendy rulz
Next year's O- and A-Level exams will be subject to a calculated degree of grade inflation to smooth the transition from this year's grossly inflated grades to the reduced grades Xpected in 2023, when the previous unadulterated exam system will resume.

markerMore wonk agenda
Let us be quite clear about this—the proposed coking coal mine in Cumbria will have ZERO effect on the Earth's climate. Opposition to it is just iggorant wonkism in action. Saying no to coal is saying no to domestic steel production and cancelling Britisch jobs.
[Which is what the Indian bloke who owns the Britisch steel industry seems about to do following the collapse of his dodgy financier. Ed.]

Bombshell A dodgy claim that one of your ancestors in the 17th century might possibly have been black makes everyone in the family since then black, is the latest episode of barrel scraping by a rachel confecter.

Bombshell President Gopher Joe has had to send his pair of attack dogs home. They were banned from the White House after one of them bit a minion.

Bombshell We are being warned that the Chinese plague will result in higher Council Tax demands being made next month in Xchange for worse services. So what else is new? If it's not one excuse, it's another.

red mask Yesterday's £399 fake "You'll get it tomorrow from Amazon" robot call came from 004291 828 028, which is totally & stoatally bogus.

look rightreader comment“What we really need to be told is who will lose out to give nurses and other NHS staff a pay rise of more than 1%.” Gol Darn
[Suggestions on a PC to the usual address. Ed.]
update What the nurses, etc. are actually getting is 0.7% from a pay deal agreed in 2018 PLUS at least 1% more from this year's deal, which won't be decided until May, after the review has been done. Which means that they will cop for at least 1.7%, not the 1% the Kreepy Bunch have been going on about. Slap round the back of the head for Health Sec. Hancock's Half Hour for not making that plain.

markerAb is the only available normal
The household product company Unilever has cancelled the word 'normal' from its products and advertising material. This is presumed to be in compliance with the wonk notion that normality is a Bad Thing and only deviance, abnormality and weirdism should be allowed to thrive.

bulletQ: Should we be bothered by the social mobility quango trying to confect outrage because the gap between the most and least well-off is growing?
bulletA: If the least have enuff for a reasonable if unexciting lifestyle, we shouldn't be bothered about the most bettering their lot.

marker Is it fair for Scottish Labourites & Conservatives to point out that the SNP has been a disaster for Scotland for a decade and a half and they'll make a total bog if they get their separation from English taxpayers, who will have to provide lotz more dosh if Scotland hopes to recover somewhat from the Chinese plague?

bulletQ: Should we really judge the quality of schools in terms of the number of places their customers get at Oxford & Cambridge universities?
bulletA: In view of the current pandemic of wonk, which has been particularly damaging to the reputation of Oxo U., not any more.

2c stampreader comment“Okay, some Yanks think we Brits are all ray sist snobs and some Brits think the Yanks are a bunch of ray sist, greedy whingers. Step one in a sinister plan by the Lefty Fifth Column in Londonstan to solicit union with Putinstan?” Killer Meter
reader comment“Next thing you know, Windsor Castle sold off to Vlad the Putin as his latest holiday home? After a complete refurb courtesy of the Britisch taxpayer, natch.” Lauren Orda

first class stampreader comment“Pretty healthy win in the Lottery of Life for the Floyd family.” Vin Carousel

reader comment“Sadly, the wonks are mental to an unhealthy degree. One shudders to think what the generation they raise will turn out like. Unless, of course, they do the teenage rebellion thing and reject wonkness wholeheartedly in favour of what used to pass for normality.” Tom Skillit

bullet The shambolic vaccine roll-out in the EFU will not inconvenience the Eurocraps who were responsible for the mess. They are at the front of the queue for anything on offer that's not Britisch.

markerArchaeological speculation to certainty in one bound
A Welsh spiv is demanding either some bitz of Stonehenge or 'a few million quid' because the bluestones might possibly may have been recycled. What was that someone said about no queue being far enough?

bullet Bald people are demanding compensation for not being appreciated by the hairy majority as a result of missing out in the Lottery of Life.

Revealed The condemnation "diatribe of bilge" is going head-to-head with "credible and true" at the top of the longlist for the Phrase of the First Quarter of the 21st Century. The battle of the Bilgeists vs the Credibleists is Xpected to run & run.

Be Advised The NHS in England is recommending that customers avoid having a heart attack as it may take 3 hours to get an ambulance to them and they stand a fair chance of contracting the Chinese plague if they are taken to hospital.

eyes Anyone who has endured a colonoscopy scan for cancer after a large and unexplained weight loss will be peeved to know that all that discomfort can now be avoided by swallowing a disposable pill, which takes 400,000 pictures of the gut and provides equivalent diagnostic data.

marker Prizes specifically for men or women are being cancelled in view of the prevalence of people who have been surgically altered to look like the other sex or just claim that they identify with the other sex. Or claim not to be of either sex.

marker The victim culture was alive and well in 1974, when a religious pressure group was demanding that Warner Brothers should open a psychiatric clinic to treat people driven nutz by watching the horror film The Exorcist.

markerHow very dare he!!
Prince Hairy's biggest beef seems to be that his rotten Dad stopped giving him his pocket money millions.
   No danger of a healthy bloke in his thirties, who owns the entire county of Sussex, feeling obliged to get a job, of course.

bullet Official: Formula One doesn't have a rachel problem. Only Louie Sam Milton does.

bulletQ: If 'many a mickle makes a muckle', does 'many a niggle make a nuggle'?
bulletA: Only if you're a scribbler for some Vague fashion mag in the Untied States.

first class stampreader comment“We are being told that there has to be an immediate & short inquiry—in Scotland, at least—into how the Chinese plague was tackled so that lessons can be learned to handle outbreaks better in the future. But what's the rush? Are we Xpecting another, different plague next month?” Carp Entier
reader comment“If we do get another pandemic, it's bound to be something totally different and something which will make what has been learnt (allegedly) from the jamboree totally irrelevant.” Wak Attack
reader comment“So just shoving more cash into the pockets of the legal trade, as usual? Figures.” Lin O'Leum

bullet Political ambiguity: Does Wee Burney Sturgeon's deputy winning a vote of no confidence mean that he is somebody no one has confidence in?

black maskAn Epitaph
I will die and I will be forgotten and I am not bothered about that because if you become a person of note, some sad, attention-seeking twat will trash your whole life during one of many sad attempts to attract attention.

God does not play dice with The Universe, the mathematician A. Einstein claimed without revealing whether (a) God is fictional and incapable of doing anything with The Universe, so the statement is true, or (b) if there is an all-everything god, she can do anything she likes, including messing about if she gets bored, so false.
update Despite what Prof. Einstein sez, it looks like Her Godness really is playing dice over Dockson of Dick Green. The Brazilian Killer is allowed to get away with crimes against men, but when plague-spreading wimmin are involved, it's "Orf with 'er 'ead!" even if no crime was involved and the plague-spreaders were busted legitimately.
reader comment“And subsequently meghanified the truth with an Xplosion of confected outrage over the 'poor me' stories.” Sadgeek Lemon
[Sympathy for people who were the agents of their own downfall in rather short supply @ the moment. Probably something to blame on the Chinese plague. Ed.]

Far Queue symbol Some American singist we've never heard of thinks Haz 'n' Maz are okay. So that makes everything cool.
first class stampreader comment“What's their problem? H&M don't have anything worthwhile to do and that's why they're sitting around, confecting rottenness against themselves and turning into mental elves? Maybe if they got a paper round or did 20 hours/week in a charity shop, that would be a start.” Village Purple

bulletQ: There still places on The Planet where the hand of man has still never set foot—can you imagine that?
bulletA: Places too terminally boring to visit? Yup.

Don't Do NowtFar Queue symbol The Notional Truss has been given a slap round the back of the head by the Charities Commission over its obsessive slavery link confection campaign and all the other people's money wasted on it.
reader comment“How wonderful it is that care of the nation's heritage is in the hands of wonks who hate everything Britisch.” Bro Ken
marker The amount of cash being wasted by the wonks in charge of Kew Gardens on the same nonsense is also about to be subjected to scrutiny.

orange mask Ditchwater is up in arms over its dullness being equated to an election propaganda yawn by Sir Kreepy Steamer.
   The Political Standards Commission is investigating.

Far Queue symbol WeeBee's CV for meeting confecters of hate, prejudice & discrimination in the Middle East is fast approaching parity with that of the discarded Labour honcho O.J. Corbynstein.

bullet Another North-South divide—people Up North are not falling for the electric car GW scam and the HUGE extra cost & inconvenience involved in buying and running one.

markerPut the blame where it belongs
The unpardonable death of S. Everard is being used to castigate everyone for the misdeeds of the few. But there won't be tough prison sentences for violent thugs and deportation of foreign criminals until the Looney Left Fifth Column of judges & lawyers & nuisances stops playing politics to keep bad guys at liberty on Britisch streets.

first class stampreader comment“How do you know if you're drinking enough? If the caps on your bottles of liqueurs become welded in place with crystallized sugar and you need both hands to remove them, you are definitely not drinking enuff!” Enn Gadget
reader comment“It's difficult to see local councils raising C Tax for social care as other than a huge con job if the Chinese plague is supposed to have wiped out most of the old & vulnerable.” Tak Tickle

purple face mask The Wonk of the Year front-runner . . .
. . . has to be the auntie-social meeja company whose censorship algoreithm turned Plymouth Ho! into Plymouth Prostitute.
bullet "It's only live once" is in the Top Ten for the Slogan of Most Bleedin' Obviousness of 2021 award. Another hot contender is "People prefer car insurance that's reliable". Definitely in with a good chance.

marker The Botch Rate for breast implant operations is up 167% since the Chinese plague went global.

markerOne-way Street
Is the world's weather getting more violent & dangerous? On the rare occasions when they are being honest with the common herd, the Xperts admit that it's difficult to say based on the available evidence.
   Especially in the light of 2 important considerations: (1) more humans living in places where they are likely to come to grief, and (2) a combination of the flourishing victimhood & compenbloodysation cultures.
   What is clear is that if solid evidence of increased frequency is lacking, then the cost of wild weather in terms of property damage is growing due to factor (1) and this is being positioned as 'evidence' of more turbulence.

bulletQ: Does anybody in the real world care how much Scary Carrie's Downing Street decorating cost and who paid for it if it wasn't the taxpayer?
bulletA: Nope, that's okay.

boneheadIf people need to be told on the packet that potato crisps are gluten-free, i.e. free of the stretchy stuff found in flour that gives bread its structure & elasticity, why stop there?
   Surely the customer would be even more reassured to know that the crisps are free of lead, mercury, polonium and, especially, novichok.

Kreepy pantsDirty pool politics
If Sir Kreepy is accused of doing something but he didn't do it, no apology is needed. All you need to do is claim that he was going to do it but he chickened out at the last minute.
   There is no way for him to get out of that!

bulletQ: Do a few rotten applies in the RAF Regiment shame the entire RAF?
bulletA: Nope. And as long as they end up in gaol if guilty then out on their ears, that's okay.

Woke Is No Jokemarker Just what we need, a charity which encourages people to become journalists because they are NW* and possible also NT**.
[* Not White; ** No Talent. Ed.]

bulletQ: Does anyone believe that TV ranter P. Morgan saying he didn't believe a word of Maz's rant damaged the mental 'elf of the entire nation, as she reckons?
bulletA: Nope.
reader comment“Casting Maz as the bride of a member of the House of Windsor was a monumental blunder. She would have been much better suited to the role of one of the Brides of Dracula.” Harry Zontal
hello!reader comment“Deferably not an O'scar nominee.” Milly Peed
update + + + Royal bumshell + + + Palace refuses to comply with every last niggling Maz commandment + + + America aghast + + + Is this war, Bird's Eye?? + + +

eyes Sounds like W. Couzens, the DPG cop arrested for the murder of S. Everard, is getting interrogation in depth if he has had to be rushed to hospital twice with head injuries. But, no doubt, the truth of the matter will be quite mundane.

bulletGood News: Turkey's Safe Tourism Programme will let visitors in without a vaccination or plague test certificate.
bulletBad News: They won't be allowed back in to the UK.

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bullet Pretending that all men are mad, bad & dangerous is turning all men into mental elves.

Be Advised We feel as entitled to tell our 'truth' as anyone else.

talk 2marker We are nominating sometime Labour leadership hopeful MP J. Phillips to read out the names of the women who weren't killed by men in the past year as a gesture of fairness.

bulletQ: How many mugs will buy in to the concept of a secret art project which involves giving cash to an 'artist', who claims that he has something or other stashed in a secret vault and there's a digital certificate of authenticity on offer?
bulletA: There are plenty of mugs around who will pay good money for garbage on a flash drive.

Far Queue symbol The BBC has binned a TV 'comedy' show featuring mainly Bremoaners & the Looney Left to make room for output from other looneys, who have been claiming that they have been left off the impartiality shamwagon.

first class stampreader comment“Is Mazzer's scriptwriter a secret Royalist? Sounds likely if she has been left looking like a total wonk, who couldn't tell the difference between an informal wedding vow rehearsal and the real thing with all the bells & whistles & TV coverage three days later.” Cara Vandal
reader comment“Sadly, Americans do seem to have a reputation for having a real problem with distinguishing between film & TV 'truth' and real life. And real history.” Hazi Tate

Official Mazzer accorded 'Wicked Witch of the West' status in recognition of her persistent & petulant self-service. A nation rejoices.

Revealed Concepts which the advertising industry fails to grasp
on a consistent basis:

No. 103: The general public associates the word 'organic' with 'overpriced'.

first class stampreader comment“Hazzer has accused his dad, a.k.a. Prince Chuck, of not taking phone calls from him. But if all he does is demand cash from Daddy, why should Chuck put up with the earache?” Temporary V'neer
reader comment“'Coz that's the curse of parenthood?” Ritt Norf

bulletQ: Is supera better than superb?
bulletA: Hmmm.

bulletQ: What's this Bad Bunny thing?
bulletA: It's Badge Bunny—police groupies in the Untied States.

marker Meteorological Spring (bogus) begins on March 1st.
Proper Spring (as admitted even by some Met Office minions) begins today @ the vernal equinox.

Far Queue symbol The burglars ringing up yesterday to find out if one of our correspondents was not at home did so from 01235 770 442. Sadly, he was in both times they called and immediately rang off when someone answered the phone.

markerWonks R Us
Haringey council in London (Labour, wot else?) is going to abuse £186,000 of CTaxpayers' dosh on changing the name of Black Boy Lane [no rachel or slavery connection] to La Rose Lane after an obscure local poet.
   A healthy majority of local residents don't want the cash to be wasted—but that's what Labour is all about, let us not forget.

marker Next in line for the chop, the Black Country in the West Midlands?
[A former coal-mining area. Ed.]

marker Talking about waste of money—this year, the 3 people in Putinstan who pay taxes will have spent a decade propping up the Assad regime in Syria.

E-StreggsAd Attack Totally non-fattening!
‘Eat’ as many as you like!

There's nowt as virtual as an E-Stregg!!!
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markerYou’re not supposed to win
Non-white people are more at risk from the Chinese plague so they should get vaccination priority?
   Do that and the BLAME Bunchers claim they're being used as guinea pigs despite the ENORMOUS amount of vaccine related data available now.
reader comment“And that thing about blood clotting in people who have had the Oxford vaccine, which the EFU is using to smear it—the incidence of clotting is LOWER than would be expected in a same-size group who hadn't been vaccinated. Get out of that!” Malda Mêre

It’s amazing where these things get to!
reader comment“The Met's Floyd Fandango? The comparison is approximate. Cops confronted by one or more customers behaving badly. The big difference is that the customers here were not trained confronters and gave up promptly.” Mai Grater
reader comment“Are we fooled? Nope. The Vigil Victims went looking for trubble and made sure they confected plenty of it.” Yokel 23
reader comment“If people in mass gatherings are not likely to spread the Chinese plague, as apologists for the Vigil Vics claim, why are mass gatherings banned? Just 'coz the medical Xperts are rotten spoilsports?” Lemon Classify
reader comment“Could it be that the Mazzard of Oz is right and the truth is whatever a self-interested person, such as a V.V., wants it to be as a convenience of the moment?” Shoot McGoot
reader comment“The dead giveaway is the speed the V.V.s went from entitled perp to poor little stinker.” Merse I. Full
reader comment“Have the Female Fanatics become pro-crime?” Maz Lurker
[Someone just watched the 2014 Robocop remake? Ed.]
reader comment“Are we moving one or two steps closer to Robocop? Law enforcement without fear or favour by mechanoids containing human remains, who know Xactly what the rules are from second to second?” Despika Pantalone
reader comment“They'd certainly be the right enforcers to go among plague spreaders, if they're armoured up.” Vaxx Dodger
reader comment“Who will be Englandland's Alex Murphy? Or Alexa?” Lou Smorrals
reader comment“What we definitely don't want is some diversity decant who's just making up the numbers. Qualified, Qualified, Qualified, Qualified!” Merse I. Less

bulletQ: Sec sabuse is in the news. Dry something or other? Anything to worry about?
bulletA: Probably not as long as you don't have anything to do with anything French.

marker There are mysterious notices 8 feet up on the black lamp posts at the centre of Romiley reading: "ONE Stockport" on various background colours. To which the only possible response has to be: "Is probably enuff!"
reader commentBlack!! lamp posts? They are rachelist and must be cancelled forthwith!!” Dual Appall
reader comment“I suppose you're going to wait for Stockport council to finish repainting them before you do that?” Bonny Chance
reader comment“Taxpayers' money must be wasted to the max. That's Rule Number One of local government.” Dual Appall

Ad Attack Locked down & lost it thanks to the plague?
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first class stampskull 2New industry! Make plague-spreaders pay for a course in Entitlement Reduction Therapy along the lines of the speed awareness courses for motorists.

Is she Leyen or for real? + + + EC president trying to start vaccine war by blocking exports from EFU production facilities + + + Threatens to seize all vaccine supplies and also means of production in whole of Europe + + + That includes non-EFU countries! + + + Desperate attempt to distract from EFU vaccine rollout flop fails completely + + + No Sieg to Heil but Von Leyen job in no danger + + +

bullet Saving for a rainy day is on course to become Xtinct this year as interest rates continue to scrape along just on the positive side of zero.
   Those with savings-related jobs in the banking industry and NSandI are right to look nervous.

bulletQ: When is a £16.5 BILLION boost to the nation's defence budget just a hollow sham?
bulletA: When the wonks in charge of the Ministry of Defence have dug a £17 BILLION Brown Hole in their accounts.

bullet Police forces are planning to deploy undercover street invigilators to look for people behaving badly in town centre hotspots so that the BGs can be harassed a bit.
[But only if male. Ed.]

bulletBad News: The Italian owners of Thorntons are closing all of the shops, which means that the one in Stockport's shopping precinct is for the chop.
bulletNot So Bad News: Special Toffee, etc., will still be sold in some supermarkets and online.

markerWeird lot, these Yanks
"Never give a sucker an even break"—W.C. Fields
"Thank you for sharing your truth with me"—Soapra Winfrey

Kerching! Telling a fat detective to stop drinking gallons of Coke is harassment and puts her in line for compenbloodysation.

markerStrange but true?
The latest theory about Maz is that she is permanently cranky 'coz she spends too much time making phone calls to people in different and inconvenient time zones when any normal person would be sleeping and decranking.
   And if she don't sleep, no one do!

first class stampreader comment“Strange we haven't heard word one about how much it cost to clear up the litter and other crap left behind by the V.V. mob.” Lee Vitart

Bombshell The global warming swindlers are facing a real head-banger. Europe has been getting drier over the last 2,000 years and they need to find a way to blame this on coal-fired power stations in China, India, Putinstan & the Untied States.

magazinesYou want the Bible on rachelism?
Don't jiggle, Don't niggle
Pick Vague—THE mag for it!
Ratchet up your Rachelism Today!

Vague Begum specialreader comment“S. Begum, the Bride of Daesh, looks like she's @ a holiday camp with her shades and decent clothes. In fact, she's obviously okay where she is and doesn't need to be allowed to come back to the UK to kill people.” Furz Ackerley

bullet Act F.A.S.T.
Call 999
then wait 3 hours for an ambulance


 WEEK 4      

Circular Situations
1. Violence by women against male coppers @ a vigil about violence against women.
2. How to stop £240 million lost to fare dodgers every year—don't have no trains!

1st class stampreader comment“It's all in the language. 'Misogeny should be a hanging offence.' Not 'misanthropy', note, because the male of the species is an embarrassment and an inconvenience.” Herr Madj
reader comment“Milly's Moochery sure gets a lot of customers, these days.” Al Bertall

bullet Cows are going to have to eat seaweed as part of the scam to pretend that the UK has zero greenhouse gas emissions.

barcode stampbullet Postage stamps are to become bigger and horizontal rather than vertical oblongs. The plan is to strap a barcode on the right side to make processing of letters more efficient with less human intervention and each letter trackable.

marker Wee Beesom Sturgeon should resign if she has a shred of integrity? So if she is integrityless, it's okay for her to stay on? Such is the logic of politics!
first class stampreader comment“Let's be clear. The current state of play is that Wee Bee did mislead the Scittish parliament, the harassment committee there has concluded, but she has a get-out-of-gaol-free card. She's too thick & disorganized to get her story straight, and that's what makes everything okay, as far as the Scittish Nitwit Party is concerned.” Finn Ganails

skull 2Same old, same old
President Boris is getting a biffing from Those People for not knowing a year ago what is now accepted wisdom about the Chinese plague.
   Those BBC buggers always were brilliant at the hindsight thing.

reader comment“Is it just a coincidence that some woman called King is stirring the pot on behalf of Maz's strewth?” Megh Giedroyc
reader comment“Provobloodycation, or what!” Eric Bevaried
reader comment“Privacy-seeking couple making leaks via King back passage? How very Soapra Winifred.” Com Plaint

bulletQ: Are we surprised that the murder of S. Everard has been hijacked by man-hating non-males?
bulletA: Nope. That's what they always do, given the slightest chance.
reader comment“Was the Met's handling of the V.V. Bunch disastrous if it gave the hijackers so much to whinge about? If they had a scrap of decency in their grubby souls, they would be lobbying for a medal for Dockson of Dick Green for services to vexatious wimmin.” Lidia Dustbin

marker The French have managed to confect a strain of the Chinese plague—the Breton variant—which doesn't show up in current PCR tests. How bloody typical of them.

marker The Chinese have managed to disrupt Britain's NHS for the next decade with their plague, we have been warned. Warfare by other means?

bullet The charities making a mint out of the overseas aid budget are jumping up and down with rage over a cut to 0.5% of GDP for a year or so.

first class stampwriter comment“Japan has banned foreign spectators from attending the postponed 2020 Olympics; or from visiting the country. Will the next step be to ban foreign competitors, their entourages and the mass of foreign meeja freeloaders? Saves exporting gold medals.” A.L.M.

Far Queue symbol Protest icon B. Bragg has announced to the nation that he thinks cancelling people is okay? Surprise! He even thinks opposition to the cancel culture is just a right-wing plot to prevent people like him from banning all views that don't match his.

purple face mask The NHS procurement system for PPE & everything was a disaster when the plague arrived because the Dept. of Health was using a system set up by the EFU. That's the insight provided by Desperate Dom Cummings, someone who would know, to a Commons committee.
   Another Big Splosh for Those People is that Dom's 'huge pay rise' was a mirage. It was just him returning to a former salary level after taking a voluntary cut.

look leftNo refuge
Gooble has come up with a gadget to spy on people whilst they are asleep. Given this monster's penchant for ruthless hoovering up of personal data of all sorts, there is a suspicion that Gooble is planning to advance into the field of hoovering up sleeptalk secrets, if only to target its advertising better.

markerA Heinz of confecters
Over 57,000 wonks have crawled out of the woodwork to tell ITV that its former employee, P. Morgan, should not be allowed to have a view which challenges theirs.

bulletQ: Non-fungibles?
bulletA: A cute way of combining non-existent and NBG in the art world—see M. Winkelmann, a.k.a. Beeple, and 'more money than sense'.
reader comment“At least you could build a small shed with the 120 fire bricks, which some mug-punter of an art gallery geezer bought for a couple of grand of . . . guess! . . . taxpayer's money. No surprise that this has been voted the most pointless and useless thing posing as a work of art of all time.” Finn Galskave

purple face maskThe BBC is to migrate out of Londonstan and spread around the English regions to make it more difficult for right-thinking British people to seek out and crush the most poisonous wonks lurking in its ranks.

Revealed What is policing like in Leicester? Well, it's possible for a thief to kick down the door of a mobility gadgets shop, fire up a 10 mph sidewalk cruiser and drive into the night and away with it without being challenged.

Be Advised The Disaster Waiting To Happen Award has gone to the proponents of the idea of a submerged rail tunnel dangling from sea-level floats and connecting Portpatrick in Scotland with Larne in Northern Ireland.
writer comment“Bad weather might not be an issue for a tunnel 50 metres below the surface of the sea but it sure as Hell is for the floating pontoons supporting that tunnel.” L.G.R.

TheRazor MayKerching! Despite the universal recession in the West, there are still lots of mugs with more money than sense around. How else could one explain TheRazor May Kerching!ing over a million quid for doing lectures, most on the interweb, in the last year or so?

bullet President Sleepy Joe reckons he can handle Vlad the Putin because Joe knows that the Russian is a killer with no soul, and that tells him all he needs to know about the guy.
update The best that Putin the Poisoner could come back with after the killer remark was that it takes one to know one. Prethetic or what!
reader comment“Maybe Sleepy Joe just doesn't inspire cutting retorts. He's not exactly a candidate for Putinstein's monster, even when he's awake.” Parshall Lee
reader comment“Talking about the Untied States, how is the Get America Interesting Again campaign going?” Hairy Smiles
[Ask yourself if anything interested has happened on the other side of the Atlantic in the last couple of months and despair. Ed.]

markerCompetence cancelled
The Financial Conduct Authority is ordering firms to appoint @ least 2 'diverse' directors whose only qualification will be that they are non-male and/or non-white. No doubt the shareholders will be delighted to carry the expense of paying good money to a pair or more of non-contributors.

green eye Tonight's 5-Star TV film:
   “Sand In The Clowns” (2021)

A gang of smash 'n' grabbers is found in their getaway car, eviscerated and stuffed with builder's sand like taxidermy exhibits. Inspector Salreem has loot to find as well as the killer(s).

footshotmarkerNo way to win. Ever!
What would happen if the people of Europe got what the street demonstrators want—a total end to locko?
   Would a consequent rush of deaths from the Chinese plague be the fault of the people who demanded it? Or would they be the fault of the dummox politicians doing what the stoopid customers demanded instead of what was necessary for public safety?
   Bound to be the latter in these daze of irresponsibility.

bullet A year since the start of the first lockdown is a milestone? Feels more like a millstone.

reader comment“Maybe if the head of the head of Kew Gardens were to be transfixed on a pike @ the entrance as an apology for all the slavery perpetrated by the exhibits, that would go some way to atoning for all the shame R. Deverell & his predecessors have brought upon a much-loved national institution.” Lina Site

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Another hijacking victim
Bombshell Just about every 'fact' about the mathematician A. Turing is invention. He didn't break the German Enigma code single-handedly, he was not hounded to death by the Establishment because of his homosexuality and he could not clear tall buildings @ a single bound.
   How do we kno? 'Coz his nephew, D. Turing, is plugging a book about his uncle's life & times.
first class stampreader comment“Sounds like Mr. T. Uring is in line for the Most Hijacked Historical Figure of All Time Award. Those people! Have they no shame?” Broo Swain
reader comment“Everything we kno about him is confected crap or a deliberate lie? So much for the Information Age.” Louse Tour

reader comment“Is 'nibbling' going to end up in the same box as 'niggling' due to starting with the dreaded 'ni' and containing a double vowel?” Tone Ails

markerYou definitely cannot win!!
A Turkish lorry driver has been busted by wonks of the National Crime Agency for trying to smuggle 16 migrants OUT of the UK. If you were wondering whose side the NCA is on, wonder no more. It deferably ain't ours. Especially as they have lotz of form for this crime against the nation.

bullet Bombshell defused. Mazzer was lying about getting married to Hazzer 3 days before they did it on TV. But what else do you expect from an American-scripted soap opera?

marker The Icelandic government is gnashing its teeth over the timing of the eruption of the Fagradalsfjall volcano. Its choosing to uncork for the first time in 6,000 years during a period when tourism is cancelled has cost the Icelandic economy zillions.
   Eruption fans, meanwhile, are being well serviced on the interweb by spectacular video footage from drones, which are not subject to the safety considerations of manned flights.

Far Queue symbolHissy & Cussier
Bristol's protest hijackers are determined to give the ones in London a good run for their money in the national finals. Miami's Spring Break hijackers have been eliminated from the international competition for confecting rachelism.

markerHow the EFU works (or doesn’t)
Demand vast quantities of the Britisch vaccine for the Chinese plague when the customers have been frightened into refusing to accept an armful of it.

face mask Gloucestershire police are the front runner in the competition to confect the most pointless harassment of a customer. Their entry comprises harassing an 82-year-old in her retirement home @ 9:45 p.m. for having safely spaced tea with a couple of neighbours in their communal patio during the afternoon.

bonehead The quality of the people the BBC is using in its flagship shows remains sadly lacking. The latest display of wonkism involves a pair of talking heads who are unfamiliar with the concept of perspective and do not realize that distant objects, such as a Union flag at the other side of a room, will always look smaller than their actual size.

skull 2Gimme more!!
The news industry is waiting eagerly for the first confirmed case of someone getting the Chinese plague for a third time. Candidates who have had it twice are now too numerous to be worthy of much notice.

marker Which is more grotesque—the Establishment's failure to hold to account the management of The Post Office and the politicians who allowed postmasters to be accused falsely of theft or the police officers & politicians who accepted lie from Carl 'Nick' Beech and his ilk as credible & true and trashed the lives of respectable people?
[Votes on a PC to the usual address. Ed.]

$1 stampreader comment“In view of all the horror stories about police officers harassing & assaulting people going about their lawful occasions maybe we should be grateful that here in Romiley, we don't see a copper out and about on the streets from one year to the next.” Riggin Friggin
reader comment“And since they installed the speed cushions on Compstall Road, you hardly ever hear a police car or ambulance charging along it, as used to happen regularly in the past. One hopes they have found a safer & faster route, especially the ambulances.” Four Mation

planeThe Daily Mail's Voice of Reason, a.k.a. Little John, reckons that uninvited migrants should be awarded a grotty stay @ a holiday camp if the Home Sec. is unable to bribe foreign countries to take them.
   There are alternatives, however. Fence off an area of Dartmoor and give them tents is one. Let Scotland go independent and bribe the SNP to let unwanteds camp somewhere remote in the Highlands is another. This would also work well with Wales.
   Bribing Northern Ireland is a less likely solution until after the Boris Bridge, tunnel or whatever is built.

Far Queue symbol The Good Hotels Guide has been unsporting enuff as to reveal that President Boris plans to host his G7 meeting @ a Cornish hotel/resort with no stars. Nothing like sending a pointed message from the outset.

Far Queue symbol Yesterday's Indian with a "government free boiler replacement" scam called from 0161 445 1091.

bulletQ: If a bloke does a drag act, does a woman do a gard act?
bulletA: That sounds rather too logical for the current era of wonkiness.

markerNot much confidence inspired
What do Xperts know about anything? Their tests can be a load of crap, for a start. In one study of the risk of developing type 2 diabetes, they had one group who ate breakfast before 8:30 a.m. and another who breakfasted later.
   But what about the people who go to bed late in locko and don't get up until 9:30, 10:30 or even 11 a.m., have a cup of tea and don't eat anything until around 1 p.m.?
   Sloppy, or what!

bulletQ: Who was it who ruled that noticing that women can be stoopid and annoying at times is a hate crime? Was it a woman in search of victimhood?
bulletA: Right in one.
bulletQ: And was she a senior copper at the time?
bulletA: Top of the class.

Public Information Message

If you break down on a motorway, GO LEFT

Motorway shunt

This is the official government advice on TV. But what the Dept. of Transport doesn't tell you is that if you break down on a smart motorway, going left will make no difference.
Wherever you stop, some twat in a juggernaut, probably looking at a phone, will slam in to your vehicle and kill you 'coz the system will let him.

Have A Nice Day

Good News Ex-prime monster Dave the Leader was paid to lobby the government on behalf of the collapsed global finance outfit Greenhill Capital—Shock, Horror!
   Or is it? The fact that his efforts were ignored by the Treasury, and there were no taxpayer billions offered for a bail-out, gives us some hope that everyone working there isn't a hopeless wonk!

bulletQ: What does the first 'B' of BBC stand for?
bulletA: Everyone knows it's 'Bollux'.
reader comment“Followed by 'Broadchasing' and 'Confecters'.” C.R. Apola
reader comment“ABBC: Anti-British Breakfasting Chumps.” Diri Ghent

Bombshell M. BashedEar is now playing his victim card by claiming that he was lied to and stitched up by Princess Diana!

bulletWe hate the EFU, and we hate the EFU.

Wee BurneyRevealed The verdict of the Scittish parliament harassment committee on Wee Burney is that she is too shambolic to be convincing and despite her catastrophic failures in office, she has too many MSPs in her hip pocket to face anything resembling justice.
reader comment“What the Scots seem to be saying is that they know she's a deadleg but they're not that bothered because most politicians are the same. The Prime Minister used to be known as the first among equals. The First Meenister is clearly the now the deadest among deadlegs.” O'crap Winifried

BombshellThe Ministry of Justice has spent 3 years trying to conceal the fact that its expensive rehab programmes for violent criminals make them MORE likely to go back to their evil ways when they get out of gaol early.
   Prison psychology programmes are now a lucrative industry which is shoving vast amounts of cash into the pockets of the vested & panted academics running them.
   All complaints to the current Sec. of State, R. Buckland, QC, MP (Queer Customer & Moocher @ Parliament)
[Thanks to H. Rumpole of the Bailey for the QC explanation. Ed.]

eyes Contrary to expectations, the O'scar awards ceremonial will not be virtual this year. Anyone hoping to collect one will have to be there in person and risk getting a dose of the Chinese plague as a bonus.

Far Queue symbol Brighton's council, which is in the clutches of the Green party, is planning to kill off the town's tourist trade by banning barbeques on the beaches.

first class stampreader comment“Do we really need a succession of celebs and politicians telling us there's nothing to getting a Chinese plague vaccination? We bloody know. Millions of pensioners get a flu jab every year and no one makes a song & dance about that.” Youse Huck!

reader comment“Do we really want to 're-engage with the pain & suffering of the Chinese plague'? Or would we rather get on with our lives, such as they are, and leave the past behind us? People who are permanently looking over their shoulder are the ones who walk into lamp posts.” Jab Lonski

markerThe Britisch Army is to create a 1,000-strong Ranger unit to tackle the challenges of the Intimidation Age posed by Islamists and Putinstan.

meanwhile The Church of England is in the process of committing suicide by demanding that majority of its clergy should have a BLAME affiliation of one sort or another.

marker The High Court has ruled that carers who sleep @ their workplace are not entitled to claim wages for periods when they are not awake. The world stands aghast.
meanwhile Across the pond, a judge has ruled that the sex life of G. Maxwell, sometime associate of the formerly alive megarich J. Epstein, is too sensational & impure to be revealed for free to customers of the New York legal machine.

markerChalk & Ravioli
Leaving failed satellites in low Earth orbit is like leaving broken-down cars on motorways and expecting other cars to swerve around them, we are told by a space Xpert.
   Wrong on the matter of scale by a hell of a lot. Expecting people on electric scooters to swerve around the cars would be nearer the mark.

varying virusmarker Saving the National Westminster Bank, currently pretending to be the Royal Bank of Scotland, from going belly up during the Brown Slump of 2008 has cost the taxpayer £38,000 MILLION, which is the amount reported to have gone to PPE spivs more recently.
   Hey, ho.

bulletQ: Would you find aunts @ an 'aunted 'ouse?
bulletA: Only if you're a Cockney.

markerNo point in complaining it’s not working—it never will
One size fits all is never going to work for 448 million people living in all sorts of different circumstances. The only way to make the affair work; after a fashion; is to allow regional government. Or nation states, as the system used to be known before the EFU monster gobbled up everything in sight.

Far Queue symbol Sir Kreepy will end up in the dustbin of history unless he joins the Unite union boss in his communist cess pit, Sir K. has been warned. Some choice!

first class stampreader comment“If Bristol was wrecked by a mob demanding the right to protest peacefully, we await with fear & trembling the mob demanding the 'uman bluddy right to protest violently.” O'pariah Winifred

reader comment“What is the first tactic adopted by the EFU to distract attention from the failure of its vaccination programme? Pick a fight with the Britisch. We're well out.” Taras Bulba

marker The Dept. of Health has created a new test for identifying new variations of the Chinese plague to allow us to panic harder, faster and more often.

markerNot too convincing
The late author D. Adams is reported to have written himself a hissy note about his best-selling creation The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. He is said to have called each of the characters a 'burk', which throws doubt on the authenticity of the whinge as a writer of his calibre would know that the correct spelling is 'berk'.

first class stampreader comment“12 million doses of the Oxo vaccine for the Chinese plague in fridges in EFU countries, mainly in France & Germany, and not being used up because their governments have frightened their customers into refusing them. What does the Leyen woman have to say to that? Just more lies & bluster. We are deferably well out.” A. Reader

bulletQ: Would you buy an overpriced vegan KitKat?
bulletA: No, I shall continue to buy the Choco Break clones from Aldi.

marker Swami Chuckabutty, who copped for a peerage from O.J. Corbynstein after whitewashing over the accusations of endemic anti-semmitism in the Labour party, is being suggested as the right person to do the same to Mazzer's Royal Family rachelism whinges.
first class stampreader comment“Or H.M. could just rule that not appreciating someone who is 50% of colour plus 100% entitled is not rachelism, it's just good old Britisch good sense & good taste.” A. Reader

tick symbol The Guru of Gloop has declared that porn is okay as long as it is ethical and the set is lit with her-smelling candles. So that's a definitive ruling on the matter, then.

Knee of Grace It would appear that there are people larking about by going to a supermarket, doing a BIG shop, offering cash at the till and abandoning their selections when told the place is cards only.
   New times, new amusements.

bullet Black lives matter very little to the people who just want to exploit them. And Those People must be cursing Haz 'n' Maz round the clock for hoovering up all the available meeja attention!

bullet "Count, Dracula."
   "One, two, three, four . . ."
reader comment“Or 'un, doi, trei, patru . . .' if he's a Romanian aristocrat.” A. V. Helpful Reader

skull 2 Some academic (or maybe a bunch of them) with nothing better to do has guessed that fatalities due to the Chinese plague have robbed families of 1.5 MILLION years with loved ones.
   Which is just total bollux if the official death toll includes people who died with the plague—but due to another cause—as well as of it.

bonehead Some mug has paid £2.1 million for what is claimed to be the first ever message put on Twatter—or rather, its NFT**. The bloke who copped for the dosh reckons that his bit of pointless trivial will be as valued as the actual Mona Lisa painting in the future. Right.
[** Non-Fungoid Tosh, Notional Financial Ticket; it all adds up to paying out good money for old rope and not even getting the rope. Ed.]

police helmet Is tracking down Bristol's 500 violent rioters really worth the time & expense involved? They won't be sent to gaol and most of them will either get away with it or be given a token fine; which they won't pay.
   Why? Because the court system is in a plague meltdown with a two-year backlog and judges are soft on crime anyway.
   The kicking the Metropolitan Police got for dispersing the Vigil Victim Bunchers is cited as the reason why the Bristol police stood back and let the rioters get on with it, by & large, when the trouble started.
   An additional complication is that a lot of the rioters were rent-a-mobbers from elsewhere, which complicates the search process considerably.

Derbyshire chief constablemarkerJust causing trouble
The debate of the moment is whether people in authority should be required to pass some sort of test before they are allowed to put their witterings on Twatter & the like.
   The weirdly haircutted Chief Con. of Derbyshire, for instance, endorsed the view of Grauniad 5th columnist that the police & the government caused the first riot in Bristol. Something which she undid only after she was advised to engage her brain.
   There is a culture of accidents waiting to happen which needs to be mopped up and sloshed down a handy drain.

bullet Attention all banks: The reason why people are not doing their banking in-branch is that you bastards keep closing them.

cross symbol Prince Hairy lookalikes are having a thin time of things in the wake of the TV megawhinge and may find themselves reduced to looking for a proper job.

look rightreader comment“Does it really matter whose picture goes on the £50 note, given that real people never ever see them? Which is just as well if the next customer has to be someone who ticks the diversity boxes of being both non-male & non-white, and probably also non-British. Not to mention the box for most people have never heard of them.” Gargle King

cross symbol The Chinese regime is seriously pissed off with Western sportswear companies for daring to notice that Uighur Moslem slave labour is used in garment factories in the north-west of China.

Bombshell The wheels are coming off the HazMaz TV whinge. The culprits have admitted that the secret wedding story was just a scriptrotter's fantasy. Like the rest of it?
cross symbol The fallout for the Church of England is that it has been flooded with requests for 'just the three of us' backyard weddings and it is having to spend a lot of time telling hopeful couples that this is neither possible nor legal.

first class stampreader comment“It is difficult to see how Prince Hairy will be much of a success in his new role as a life coach. After all, how many people need to know how to behave like a former Royal, whose job now is to carry the luggage for his actress wife?”

markerWinchester University is going to blow £24,000 on commissioning a life-size statue of Greenhouse Grotter even though she has no connection with the place and she has never been to Winchester.

red eyeThe BBC's Director General gets very upset when people respond to his assurances that the Beeb is proud to be Britisch with mocking laughter and a reminder of the Union flag-mocking activities of the Anti-Britisch Breakfast Clowns.

eyes The BIG problem the cosmetic mayor of Liverpool has is that he says he's totally innocent of conspiracy to commit bribery and witness intimidation but Al Capone said exactly the same about the stuff he was charged with. And so did Captain Alfred Dreyfus in response to the treason charges confected by the French regime.

 WEEK 5      

skull 2 Captain Optimism, a.k.a. Chief Medical Officer of England C. Whitty, reckons that the nation will have to live with this Chinese plague for years if not forever. And the population will become boozier and unfitter in the depressingly restricted lifestyle imposed upon us.
   It's only being so cheerful as keeps us going.

marker Indian gold smugglers are having to think up a new method after customs officers got wise to the scam of sticking bags containing 1.5 kg of gold to the head and covering them up with a terrible toupee.

bulletQ: Is the Tory party 1922 Committee going to update itself to 2022 after celebrating its centenary next year?
bulletA: Rumour has it that they are going to backdate to 1822 so that they can have a bigger & better bicentennial do.

red eyeAbsence of panic
There was a picture in yesterday's paper of one 'lone digger' trying to free the container ship which has got itself wedged across the Suez Canal. That's how seriously the Egyptian government is taking the problem? No wonder pessimists are forecasting that the ship will take weeks to remove.

eyes Humanity is doomed, Xperts in the Untied States reckon, because super weeds will prevent cereal crops from thriving and everyone will starve to death. Especially if the nation's diet is made 100% veggie by law.

bulletQ: Why is President Boris going to increase our stockpile of nuclear warheads?
bulletA: To make up for the ones which he will shoot @ those parts of the EFU which started a vaccine war with us.

marker President Sleepy Joe is trying to gerrymander another Democrapic senator into Congress by making the District of Columbia, which contains the nation's capital, the city of Washington—and also a large majority of Democrap voters—into a 51st state of the union.

marker Insurers are being allowed to swindle loyal customers for a further year. The Financial Conduct Authority has fallen for the bollux dished up by the industry and given the swindlers a green light for the rest of this year.

marker Tonite's 5-Star5 TV Offering: Greyson's Art Cloaca
The story of how Art with a capital 'A' has been going down the tubes since 1910.

Wee BurneyBombshell The revenge of the Salmonella! He's launching his own political party in Scotland—called Alba, the Gaelic name for the place—to pinch votes from Wee Bee's Scittish Nationalists!
reader comment“What's the Gaelic for Wee Eck's Sex Pest & Objectionable Bully Party?” Justin @avar

marker The Conservative Party has a virtual spin forum?
How very enterprising of it!

bulletQ: Is it possible to throw eggs @ members of the new Salmonella party if you make the honest mistake of confusing Albamen with albumen?
bulletA: Sounds like something that's worth a try.

markerWriggle room
The government is musing that it could be okay if pub landlords 'could' be allowed to bar people who haven't had a plague jab or a negative test. It certainly gives any who do the chance to watch their barred customers go elsewhere while they go broke.
   Pub chains will also have the option of not bothering with the extra admin costs as transmission of the plague in pubs is reckoned to be less likely than in a supermarket.

green eyeExercises in the pointless No. 971: Sending a bottle of vintage wine to the ISS for a year then bringing it back to the Earth so that Xperts could taste it.
   Some said the wine had aged faster than an Earthbound bottle and gushed wibble about burnt orange notes of cured leather. Others reckoned that the trip to space had made no difference at all.

markerJust plain useless
Earlier this week, the EFU got so desperate to deflect attention from its vaccine rollout flop that it got the Italians to stage a raid on a factory there. The EFU Commission thought that AstraZeneca was hiding 29 million doses of vaccine at the factory, hoping to sneak them to the UK.
   Unfortunately for the EFU, this was just a silly story. The vaccine doses were scheduled for the United Nations hand-out programme for pauper nations and also for EFU countries. Worse, the Italian newspaper La Stampa was rotten enough to reveal the fiasco to the world.

Back Eventually Survival News 1
People who eat out twice a day are digging an early grave with their teeth, Xperts in the Untied States have concluded. The Planet will be inherited by those who do home cooking.
Survival News 2
There is no chance of the asteroid Apophis hitting The Planet in the next 100 years, the boffins @ NASA reckon.

first class stampreader comment“Prince Hairy is a Disinformation Commissioner now? He's going to have to up his game considerably before anyone starts believing his brand of fake news.” Bam Milton
reader comment“His efforts on the Pariah Winifried sope oprah suggest his pay rate should be 2-4 US cents per annum.” Day Walker

marker How much acting can luvvie I. McKellen (81) do?
   We shall find out when he tries to convince a theatre audience that he actually is that young lad Hamlet. Maybe if they turn the lights way down low he might be able to get away with it. Maybe. Might.
[Flying pig time. Ed.]

markerBum deal
The Bristol touring rioters include a subset who don't believe in coverings of any sort, whether it's a face mask or anything normally worn below the neck.
   Those naked exhibitionists who have been photographed for display on auntiesocial meeja seem to be rather large ladies, who are heavily insulated against the cold.

Knee of GraceHow to be popular; not
Liverpool city council (Labour run) has been put into administration following major corruption allegations and general NBGness. Sir Kreepy Steamer has upset his party's Xtremists by agreeing that it is a good idea.

marker Fed up with paying 500%-1,000% over the odds for chocolate in the form of an Easter egg? Cheer up, there are lots of alternatives. Chocolate aubergines, lemons, scotch eggs & strawberries are just a few of the rip-offs on offer.

marker A stair lift for stumbling President Joe to get him to and from Air Force One?
Might be a bit more dignified than an armchair strapped on to a fork-lift truck.

bulletQ: Is it true that people are preventing the government from sneaking a sample of their DNA by getting their dog to lick the flap of the envelope for their census form?
bulletA: Stranger things have happened at sea.

hello!Attack Ad!
"Do something about reptile dysfunction", the TV ad orders. "Or we will come after you with a chainsaw!" is the follow-up message.
   Seems like a great way to seize a potential customer's attention.

bulletQ: Should we be worried that Putinstan has 930,000 more soldiers than the UK and China has 1,930,000 more?
bulletA: As 97% of both armies is tasked with keeping their government's customers intimidated, we have both of them outnumbered, even if the Britisch Army shrinks to a mere 70,000 soldiers.

first class stampreader comment“Not being vaccinated against the Chinese plague because you think a vaccine will mess with your DNA or it contains microchip trackers is a personal choice. Avoiding such people like the plague is a 'uman bluddy right of people who have had the vaccine and also sound common sense.” Gail Ace

marker There is a move afoot to change the huge EVERGREEN slogan painted on the side of the ship stuck in the Suez Canal and blocking it completely to EVER IN THE BLOODY WAY.

Wee Burney SturgeonmarkerDodgy is as dodgy does
The SNP regime in Scotland is seeking a listing in The Guinness Book of Records after whizzing out a record 116 news items, reports and Freedom of Information responses on the last day of business @ the Scittish Parliament to avoid scrutiny, which will not resume until after the elections in May.

EU vaccine war with UK
The EFU’s vaccine war hots up

aircraftbullet Aura Aero of Toulouse is threatening to put all-electric planes with a 19-passenger capacity in the skies over Europe in 2026.

marker Is there enough money in the world to pay compensation to all the ships delayed by the monster clunker which is blocking the Suez Canal?

Far Queue symbol The government of Burma is not bovvered by the horrified noises coming from the West over the slaughter of its customers as it has Russia & China on its side.

marker Byelorossia has been awarded nul points and the order of the boot by the Eurovision Song Contest for entering a song which was too white and too Russian.

tick symbol “The World will hear from me again!”
Fu Manchu? No, The Donald. Booted off Twatter for upsetting Those People, he's setting up his own 'platform' from which to educate The World.

tick symbol Instead of dumping them at the end of their working life, Poland is to pension off dogs & horses which work for the state as a thank-you for their loyal, if involuntary, service.

markerWe have ways of getting noticed!
No one seems to be paying much attention to North Korea with the Chinese plague rampaging around the world. Thus President Kim has announced that he will fire off more rockets and stockpile more nukes until he gets the attention he craves.

cross symbol Anyone hoping to visit Vienna on a cruise ship will be out of luck. They are to be diverted to the nearby port of Margherina because Venetians have decided that they are no longer going to tolerate having a huge ship parked in front of where they live.

markerIs a non-white person a victim of rachel profiling if he realizes that not attracting the attention of the police involves stopping behaving like a gangsta? Or has he just learnt how to do acceptable behaviour?

first class stampreader comment“Thinking about the BILLIONs the government blew on track 'n' trace and its crApp to no great effect, one shudders to think what the vaccine passport crApp will cost.” Π Rate

bulletQ: Are we impressed on hearing that some MPs are horrified by the idea of vaccine passports or some other outrage?
bulletA: Nope. It's possible to get some rent-a-gob to be horrified about anything at all, even if it's not an issue that bothers real people.
[And the better the job you do, the more some bastards will whinge and lie about you, as AstraZeneca is discovering from its dealings with the EFU. Ed.]

Far Queue symbol Another Edstone Milipede clanger—he's telling everyone to get an electric car but he doesn't think that applies to him.

first class stampreader comment“Don't forget the threat from Russia, don't forget the Chinese monster. But DO NOT EVER take your eyes off the evil empire on our doorstep. And never ever trust the evil, self-serving bastards & political rejects running the EFU—the Drunkckers and the Leyens.” Ed &erson

reader comment“Keeping Bristol under permanent lockdown may not keep the rest of the country safe from the people who live there. Only a big ditch, a tall fence and guard towers with radar-controlled machine guns will keep the rioters where they belong.” Tom @kins

bulletQ: Should we pat Sirocco Forte on the head and give him 'poor little stinker' sympathy when he does a rant about what the foreign travel ban is doing to his hospitality industry?
bulletA: Maybe we should just mention that it would have been more prudent to pick an industry which doesn't fall over the first time a global pandemic kicks its ankle.

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, March MM21 like anyone cares