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    WEEK 1      Oxford plague vaccine okay, Oxford comma nokay

marker 150 military drivers on stand-by to fill in for 100,000 missing civvy lorry drivers?
That will work.
update It's 300 now, so no worries at all.
Problem fixed, move along, there.

surprise The former Nonce-Confecter General of the Metropolitan Police, S. Rodhouse, is not getting the top job at the Notional Crime Agency (the UK's answer to the FBI) thanks to the flood of hate mail sent by his victims & their relatives to the Home Sec., who is still P. Patel.
   Nevertheless, Rodhouse is still trousering £265K of taxpayers' money as his blairite reward for failure.

markerOne way to do it
India has come up with a great way to save the expense of putting a major gangster on trial—let stooges sent by a rival gang shoot him dead in the court building then let the police shoot the killers dead to save the cost of putting them on trial. Chinese in its pragmatism.
reader comment“At least they don't bill relatives of the hit-persons for the bullets.” Government-Protected Ankle Boy

cowboyDaft enough to be in a manifesto
rage We know that Police & Crime Commissioners are chocolate teapots from our own experience with Jonah Burnham here. So it comes as no surprise to hear one advocate that people who steal from shops uncontrollably shouldn't be gaoled.
   Instead, they should get rehab paid for by their victims.
   Those who the gods would destroy, etc.

skull 1bulletQ: How do you tell new, improved Talibandit thugs from their unreconstructed predecessors?
bulletA: The new ones have confirmed that their practice of chopping off body parts & execution as an alternative to imprisonment will apply to the whole of the new Afghanistan. But mutilations & Xecutions will now be done behind closed door and longer offered as public spectacles for the enjoyment of their customers.

markerA nation mourns or Alcopop Bond
+ + + Secret agent James Bond 007 cancelled + + + Emasculated psychopath substituted + + + Those People overjoyed + + + Clear case of passing-orf? + + +

Princess Kate with former Bondster D. Craig
Retired Bondster D. Craig updates Princess Kate

Frankenstein's monsterbulletQ: Are we surprised that people who had el cheapo power deals with a cowboy billing company now face a price rise?
bulletA: We'd be surprised only if they didn't.

bulletQ: Is it ruthless or sensible for a tennis player to switch to a more appropriate coach after achieving some success?
bulletA: Depends whether an idiot is writing the story.

bulletQ: FDNY—what's that all about?
bulletA: New York is the only city in the Untied States that has a security unit devoted to Fish Discrimination.

markerA lot of people with proper jobs can't wait to retire to a life of leisure on a miserable little pension. Not so for those in the acting trade, especially the POB Tendency. [Pushy Old Broads, Ed.]
   Even ones in their 9th decade are unable to embrace a dignified old age and make room for younger people and skilled make-up artistes.
   Their 'look at me' gene is impossible to switch off.

Kreepy pantsFar Queue symbol Sir Kreepy Steamer is in trouble for jumping on one of his MPs for stating the biologically inconvenient obvious about women when he wanted to be the Ottoman of Obfuscation.
Far Queue symbol On the other hand, Ludicrous Rayner, his deputy, has to be fireproof, no matter how obnoxious she is, 'coz the Blessed Leader gave her the job and He Can Do No Wrong.

bulletQ: Who is to blame for the nation's lack of storage facilities for natural gas?
bulletA: It's current Trivial leader Eddybaby Davey who, as Energy Sec. in Dave the Leader's coalition in 2013, refused to allow new storage facilities to be built.

rage Oh, no! After the pingdemic, lazy journos are claiming we now have a paindemic of over-50s waiting for an operation.
   What we really, really need now is a 'demic' moratorium and for all future offenders to be obliged to spend a wet weekend in the stocks to improve their vocabulary.

bulletQ: What do Talibandits do on a day out at Kabul zoo?
bulletA: Throw stones @ the Lions. That's what iggorant twats they are.

marker Rogue cyclists are facing injury or death caused by wire booby traps erected by residents in remote areas to discourage nuisances who charge about recklessly and put the residents in fear of injury or death.
   The Vosges Mountains in France and parts of Cornwall here are particular hot-spots of resistance.

bullet We are told that the carbon dioxide shortage could, maybe, might affect beer production. Which is strange as the brewing industry is a major producer of useful carbon dioxide.

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C. DickGoes around
Dockson of Dick Green is now enjoying her rewards for being a klingon. She is now the universal scrapegoat.
   Failing to spot that PC W. Couzens of the DPG would become an evil killer, who needs to die in gaol, insulated from energy price rises and food & petrol shortages, is all her fault.

hatman The petrol bandits have deserted Romiley and traffic is now flowing freely along the main road, impeded only by those speed bumps which cannon be easily circumvented.
   Having to pay £1.40 to BP for petrol and £1.42 for diesel might well have something to do with it.

Far Queue symbolSir Kreepy sez a Labour government with him as prime monster will back business. Unfortunately, the direction will be over a cliff, so no radical change of Labour policy on offer.

tick symbol The Mediterranean island of La Palma has started to grow. Lava from the current eruption of its volcano has reached the sea and is forming new land & expanding the coastline. This is a geological process common upon and around Iceland, which is now gnashing its teeth over the lost eruption trade customers.

markerTraffic Cams R Us (or not)
motorway lane signIt's official. Notional Highways England, or whatever it's called this week, can't keep people safe on unsmart motorways because their cameras don't work, the motorway signs don't work and the monitors in the control room don't work.
   What we have is what the Germans would call Ferkehrkatastrophe with the accent on the 'ferk'.
updateThe software for the radar systems, which are supposed to spot stationary vehicles which have broken down, doesn't work either.

bulletQ: Is anything more ludicrous that the Chinese government, a regime as evil as Putin the Poisoner's, accusing the Britisch government of having evil intentions by sailing the Navy's HMS Richmond past Taiwan on the way to Japan?
bulletA: It certainly give Sirk Reepy's deputy, Ludicrous Rayner, some competition.

first class stampreader comment“Drivers of electric vehicles would be looking smug as the boggo rollo bandits switch to hoovering up petrol & diesel fuels. But only if they could rely on being able to find somewhere to recharge a vehicle with a ludicrously limited range.” Tactical Jones

reader comment“Anyone remember the 1970s, when we had a 3-day week 'coz the trade union wreckers hadn't been sorted out?. Looks like that's what doctors are head for. They don't work at weekends thanks to Tony B. Liar. Lots of them are giving up Fridays now. And you can't really expect them to work on a Monday and do them out of a long weekend.” Dogson Dinner

CFL logoThe Bombers in Vancouver on Friday Nite
2 & sack, Michael ate some turf, the Lions punted. Collards did better but the Blue Bombers also punted away their opener. Reilly did better, FG. One the other way for 3-all. The Bombers scored a TD in Q2, 10-3 and Reilly ate more turf.
   Collards fired a bomb of a pass after the 3 minute warning, on to a TD. The Lions kicked at 49-yard FG in reply, 17-6 at half time. In Q3, BC forced & recovered a fumble; nothing from it. A FG from the BB, 20-6. Crunch! on Reilly, punt. BC recovered a fumble, they were sacked to a FG try, the ball doinked off the right-hand post and went through! 20-9.
   Demski went 52 yards through Swiss cheese to set up a BB FG in Q4, 23-9. DPI in goal by the Lions helped the Bombers to a TD, 30-9 with 2:54 left. Rourke got a run out as QB for the Lions. He got close, only to be picked off in the BB goal. Story of the Lions' night.

WTFH The Gov. of the Bonk of England has decided to give the Doombugger doctors & professors a spot of competition by predicting an endless string of financial plagues for the near future. The Doombuggers are reported to be unamused.

stay at homebulletQ: How do you persuade people to stop Skiving @ Home?
bulletA: Tell them the Xperts reckon a clear boundary between home life and work is great for their mental 'elf.

skull 2Health Hazard
The Glastonbury festival could be banned on ecological grounds as drug-laden music fans are peeing everywhere but @ the facilities provided and poisoning the wildlife in nearby waterways. Particularly at risk is the population of European eels in the Whitelake river.

markerConference Fallout
Bollocks to Berko Bollocks to Berko has joined the Labour party to give the Kreepyites the benefit of his long experience of personal arrogance, dismissiveness and carelessness.
bulletLabour will continue to use all-women short lists for constituencies until it achieves the unspoken [or unspeakable? Ed.] target of making 75% of its MPs wimmin.
   And if some of the new MPs look v. dodgy and v. like blokes in disguise, tough!
Far Queue symbol If made prime monster, Sirk Reepy is planning to borrow £224,000 MILLION over the rest of the decade to blow on a Green Bollocks Economy. We remain safe from this lunacy only for as long as Sirk Reepy remains outside the tent, being insanitary.
sometime 'er indoorsreader comment“One of the customers @ the Labour conference was yelling, 'Free Palestine' but we never found out if that was with every 5 gallons or instead of in these days of artificial fuel shortages.” Fullin Glish
reader comment“As far as the leadership was concerned, Bollocks to Berko was about as popular as the Mandelsleaze. Same with Jonah Burnham, our cosmetic mayor and labour leadership wannabe.” Chip Sardine
reader comment“What is it about Labour that makes them happy only when they're wasting vast amounts of other people's dosh on something completely pointless?” Reese Mechanical
reader comment“Why didn't Labour go the whole hog and vote for a £25/hour minimum wage? Everyone knows it's all about the unions wanting bigger membership fees to give their leaders bigger perks.” Proc Toesphere

Mars or cake?


Today's Puzzle: The surface of Mars or the top of a cake with convenient rills in which an intoxicant, e.g. Drambuie, may be drizzled lovingly?

Today's Definition:
—Person with a womb

markerUncredit where it is due
The DVLA is getting the blame for the lorry driver shortage here as most of the staff are skiving off somewhere else and just a handful of bods are turning up in the workplace to fail to process thousands of vital documents.
markerThe DVSA, which does driving tests for HG vehicles, is another significant road block.
crashed carreader comment“If Brexit is the cause of the shortage of lorry drivers here, as the bozo in charge of the SPD [Stoopid Partei Deutschland Ed.] would have us believe, how does he Xplain the much more severe shortage of drivers in Germany?” Darius Pylon
reader comment“Germany seems fated to sink even further into the black night of communism, the direction in which it was steered by Comrade Mherkel, and be crushed even more under the dead hand of the EFU if he ends up as the leader of the next coalition.” Rash Eghole

reader comment“Iceland has failed miserably to confect its first ever female majority parliament. The newly reselected Thingingvors now contains 33 blokes to 30 non-blokes after a recount.” Pete Radiator

markerFine in theory . . .
An Xpert wants to make fitting into the trousers worn when they were 21 a test for whether adults are likely to develop type 2 diabetes. One small snag—persuading people to hang on to old clothing just so that they can test themselves.

markerFemale cricketer logic: If changing a word makes one person feel more comfortable, then it's worthwhile, even if it makes thousands of other feel less comfortable or downright annoyed. Wag, tail, dog, bozo, batter.

markerDon’t do it and everyone else gets nowt
First division football clubs, which are hotbeds of boneheaded anti-vaccine propaganda, are to be rewarded [means as yet unspecified] for getting their players vaccinated without threatening to sack them. Not being allowed to pick unvaccinated players for matches with foreign clubs @ home & abroad would be a good way to drive the point home.
$8 stampreader comment“Deducting points would work. But only up to a point. Clubs with zero points wouldn't be affected by the sanction.” Rod Wholesale
reader comment“No, but they'd end up relegated and off the gravy train.” Ayu Kiddinme
reader comment“Awarding points to teams fielding a squad of fully vaxxed player would certainly shake the league table up!” Lou Dicrous

Far Queue symbol A good way to annoy the French is to refuse to let them fish in our territorial waters if they won't go through the tedious red tape of the licensing process specified in the Brexit treaty; i.e. doing to them what the Frogs try to do to us.

cross symbol 12% of civil servants are working. The rest are skiving @ home. No wonder the government machine is stuck between dead slow and stop.

Kreepy pantsbulletQ: What can we deduce from Sirk Reepy having a bucketful of ready-wrapped opinions on people who don't know which sex they are?
bulletA: That he doesn't have any clues for anything that really matters and he's using transmania as a smokescreen. That and wanting to make James Bond change sex for some bizarre reason known only to himself.
reader comment“We know now from his own admissions what Sirk Reepy's values are. The corruption, lies, war-mongering & cronyism of the t.b. liar new labour years. Wunderbar.” Hearst Wearst
reader comment“Sir Reepy's dad was a tool-maker. Which explains quite a lot.” Bom Boutique
reader comment“And the tool went to what became a private school but his parents didn't pay for it. The ultimate Labour dream.” Muchas Prendegast
reader comment“A school of the sort Labourites want to abolish, of course. Including the ones who went to private schools themselves and sent their kids to one.” Sinobia Hemeln
reader comment“SirK wants Labour to face reality. Like that's going to happen!”Snap Haunce
reader comment“Right. Labour was much happier living in O.J.'s fantasy world than it has ever been.” Lorraine Bogen
reader comment“Why was it such a crime for the protesters who waved red cards @ Sirk Reepy to have been organized? Or is Labour supposed to be the party of the disorganized rabble?” Nice Berg
reader comment“He's about as clunking as G.F. Broon was. Surprising he didn't tell them the one about neo-classical endogenous growth theory.” Initial McVeigh
[Better out than in. Ed.]

Rikishi Snacktick symbol The Chancellor, Mr. Snack, has arranged for us to be able to moan about food & fuel shortages until well into the new year. Same with energy prices.

reader comment“In a way, the feminists have achieved their objective of making women equal to men. Both are now equally irrelevant and only the opinions of transmigratories matter to Those People now.” Colston Bencher

markerWig on, Brain off
Someone needs to tell a dotty old judge in Carlisle that the right to exercise your 'uman bluddy right to expression doesn't include doing it in the middle of a road, glued or not.

first class stampmarkerIt’s a point of view
The twits running the Kunsten MoMA of Denmark were daft enuff to cough up €100K for 2 replicas of works of art by a certain J. Haaning. But all they got was 2 framed blank canvases.
   Mr. Hahaning claims that he has artistically strolled off with the cash and all the art lies in his breach of contract.
reader comment“No doubt going to gaol for theft & fraud is also artistic.” Marshal Indicative
[Not likely as the mugs @ the museum hung the canvases to show off their gullibility, stoopidity & lack of understanding of what constitutes art, modern or otherwise. Ed.]

Shriek!At it again
Gooble is upsetting companies that spy on visitors to a website by planting cookies on their browser program. Gooble is planning to cancel cookies in favour of its own sinister confection.
   This will prevent advertising and publishing companies from targetting their ads on likely mugs and give even more power to Gooble. But this sinister plan applies only to Gooble's Chrome browser. Other browsers Xist, e.g. Firefox and ancient Internet Xplorer, which still works for simple websites.

reader comment“One does get the impression that the copper who is currently being done for rape can plead inability to get a fair trial, given the current desperation to pin something on someone connected with a police force and the certainty of riots in the streets if he's found not guilty.” Imaginary Sanders

bulletQ: Pins? Usually of exceedingly poor quality and complained about.
bulletA: Pinch-hitters. Stand-ins. (source: baseball, a.k.a. bluddy baseball to CFL fans)

tick symbol Schoolkids are now praying for some new catastrophe to descend upon us, which will get next year's exams cancelled. They want to stay with soft-headed and generous teacher reviews as tougher exams with fewer top grades on offer are the future.

markerFat chance
Will the day ever arrive when newspaper leader writers learn that calling into question the competence of the government is pointless? The Government is lazy & useless & incompetent because every political party in nominal charge still has to deal with the same old, same old crew of civil slackers.

skull 2Something else to worry about in the near future—the effects of gene-altering on plants. Cannibal Cabbages will stalk the streets, scoffing drunken yobs when not brawling with Lethal Lettuces.
   Be very afraid!

RememberAs one door closes, another opens—but not necessarily in the same building, town or country.
RememberAlways looking on the bright side can do irreparable damage to your eyes if it's the Sun you're looking at
RememberMaking space for your dreams usually involves little effort as most people don't remember their dreams.
Remember One volunteer is worth 10 depressed men and probably 23 depressed women, even on a good day.

tick symbolAnything you get for nothing is worth it
+ + + Large surge in mental 'elf positivity reported after Fakebuk, etc., drop off the interweb for 6 hours + + +

tick symbolAttention Mr. Snack: If gambling cost the economy £1,200 MILLION in 2019/20, the government needs to increase taxes on the industry viciously.
   Problem sorted.

face maskThe next James Bond actor person is going to have to wear a huge facial scar to break the link between disfigurement and the assumption of villainy. Bit of an opportunity for a ground-breaking female person?

CFL logoSaturday Nite @ Tim Horton’s Field
The Ticats punted away their opener but the Alouettes fumbled the kick return back to them to let the Cats miss a FG try. They were sacked to a successful FG in the last minute of Q1, 0-3
   In Q2, a monster pass play got the Als to the TC red zone, on to a FG, 3-all. Finally, a TD by White in the 13th minute? A challenge by the Als got OPI, on to a FG and a 3-6 TC lead. Adams fired a bomb to FG range in the last minute but a 42-yard FG try was short.
   The Cats kicked a FG in the 4th minute of Q3 and a 2-play drive to a TD +2 put them 3-17 ahead after 6 minutes. The Als punted in Q4 but immediately forced & recovered a fumble. Adams to Wieneke for a TD, 10-17. A FG next, 13-17. The Cats did nothing with a pick with 2 minutes to go.
   Under a minute to go, the Als @ the TC 18. Adams was bashed, 3rd down from the 28, TD pass to Lewis!! What looked like a dropped ball was his helmet rolling around in goal! 20-17. With 2 seconds left, Bertolet made a 55-yard FG. 20-all and off into overtime. No lead is safe. The Cats started and fumbled the ball away. 2 & FG by the Als and a 23-20 win.

rageScam warning
The government has a plan to make electricity look reasonably priced despite the HUGE subsidies the occasionals get from the taxpayer. A stonking Green Bollocks tax on gas will make everything else look dead cheap in comparison.
[Including caviar. Ed.]

bulletQ: Should we be worried that the end of furlough could, might, maybe cost 250,000 jobs?
bulletA: If there are over a million job vacancies on offer, not triffically.

bulletIf there were no people pretending to be Narzis, would a lot of people be living sad, purposeless lives? Nope. They'd find something else to pretend to fight.
[Cynical, or what. Ed.]

cross symbol Why would the owners of an electric Rolls Royce need to be bothered by the ticking of a dashboard clock when it could be electric and noiseless?


tick symbol The president of the Czech Republic has set an important marker in the field of 'uman bluddy rights. Spectators have the right to boo members of a foreign football team without being abused with charges of rachelism.

Scottish flagmarkerAny port in a storm?
NHS customers in Scotland are to be offered an alternative to a trip to a doctor; or a remote consultation, which is probably all they'll get. On offer is Nature on Prescription with outdoor mental 'elf improvement opportunities which include getting to know a neighbourhood tree and listening to birds squawking.
first class stampreader comment“Bespoke natural sounds for those who are unable to go outdoors, or don't have the time to, are pushing the whalesong mob to the fringes, displaced by the Latest Thing” Bren Derby-Hun

markerComputer system + government = shambles
Wee Bee's wonderful Scittish vaccine passport crApp is just that, NBG. The Night Time Industry Association is foaming @ the mouth over the chaos caused by its failure.

reader comment“Is Sirk Reepy trying to play the poor little stinker card by claiming that President Boris is a showman, who makes him look even duller and more boring in comparison?” Seven Seagal

Greenhouse Grottertick symbol Fungi are now being offered as a way of gobbling up and vanishing atmospheric carbon dioxide and saving The Planet from the eternal whinges of Greenhouse Grotter.

eyes The Home Sec. is facing an enormous challenge over the fate of the serially incompetent Brazilian Killer Dockson of Dick Green.
   Any replacement boss of the Met won't have the tarnish which coats Dockson but will be known to be a worse option and thus everyone will be watching and waiting to start yelling when the first major screw-up occurs.
reader comment“Dockson gives the impression that Killer Couzens no longer being a copper is the worst possible thing that could happen to him and sacking him wiped the slate clean @ her end of the whole business.” Hill Gulch

face maskAre we surprised by a huge vaccine gap between rich & poor countries? Nope. There is no point in making the effort to become wealthy if there are no benefits attached.

reader comment“On the subject of benefits, if you've not paid for something, such as access to FakeBuk, you don't have a case for compenbluddysation if it vanishes for a few hours. And if you've built your whole life around it and suffer severe withdrawal symptoms, more fool you.” Violent Merbley Jr.
[The milk of human kindness by the bucketful. Ed.]

cross symbol Today's call from burglars hoping to get lucky and find someone out came from 01143 035 634. This is a number belonging to the Sheffield area and 'there is a high probability that the call is about a home appliance scam'. So now we know.

CFL logoSaturday Late date in Calgary
The Roughriders had to boot away their opener and committed a silly foul to put the Stampeders @ their 7. TD from the next play, cue the crazy galoot on the horse, who has been unemployed recently. Another TD from the next CS drive, 0-14 after 11 minutes. 3 FGs followed, 6-17 at the half.
   In Q3, Mitchell was mashed and the Stamps missed a FG try. Facing 2nd & 26, they managed a FG, 6-20. The Riders picked Mitchell but got just a rouge from a punt, 7-20. In Q4, Fajardo fired a 71-yard pass to the CS 4, TD from the next play, 14-20, 8 minutes left.
   Big holes in the SK defence let the Stamp kick a FG for 14-23 and leave the Riders needing 2 scores in 2:36. They got a FG from a trip to the red zone, 17-23. And fielded the on-side kick? No, a challenge by the Stamps made them do it again. So Lauther tapped the ball, ran after it and fell on it when it had gone 10 yards!
   Sack on Fajardo, 3rd & 10 @ the Calgary 48 with 33 seconds left. Fajardo flung the ball at the end zone. No cigar for the Riders.

first class stampreader comment“What is so incredible about the La Palma volcano erupting into a 3rd week? There's no rule that says it can only erupt for one week. Or 2 weeks tops.” Graz Nibuchel
reader comment“Just because the science of vulcanology isn't yet up to the job of predicting how long the eruption will go on for to the second, and how much lava there will be to the cc, that's no reason for the Snoflake Tendency to pretend to be victims of some conspiracy or other.” Dracy Dutch
reader comment“It's a bloody volcano. They erupt. That's what they're supposed to do.” Bran Snead
[A big bucketful of sympathy there! Ed.]

French flagFar Queue symbol No surprise that former French president N. Sarcozy is suffering no inconvenience despite being convicted a second time of financial fraud. There really is one set of rules for us and another, completely different set for Those People.

bulletQ: Why do coppers have to go around in pairs now?
bulletA: Because members of the public now feel entitled to shoot first and ask questions later if a lone copper tries to approach them.
bulletQ: How does anyone know the 2 coppers are both good guys?
bulletA: Those with doubts will probably shoot first anyway to be on the safe side.

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    WEEK 2      No risk it, no biscuit

Red morning sky
Red sky @ 7:19 a.m. on the first morning of a new week. Terrific!

ragebulletElectric scooters are banned from roads & pavements, which doesn't stop twats from using them on Romiley's pavements and putting non-twats @ risk of death or injury.

tick symbol The courts are to get powers to impose vexatious scumbag orders on motorway moochers of the Insulation Tendency.
reader comment“But will dotty old judges impose them?” Sustaino

French flagmarkerZapped to a standstill
The French police have finally summoned up the guts to get tough with boat bandits operating on their north coast beaches. Two bandits ended up in hospital after a gang of them turned stroppy and was blasted with rubber bullets—a tactic which stopped them dead in their tracks.
   This tactic is so successful that the useless French are likely to ban it, especially as a negotions tactic in their attempts to steal Britisch fisch.

CFL logoLet’s do Thursday Nite Football in chilly T’onno
on Wednesday, just to confuse everyone

The Argonauts started and got a point from a punt. The Redblacks took their opener to a FG, 3-1. Lotz for the punters to do until the RBs kicked a FG in Q2, 6-1. More punting gave the Argos a chance to block one by the RBs and take the lead with a scoop 'n' score TD, 8-1. The RBs made a 3rd & 1 from the TA 27 with a minute to go, FG, 9-8 at half time.
   A 63-yard pass play early in Q3 gave the Argos a TD, no +2, 9-14. More punts. The RBs started a drive @ the TA 41 but a pick-6 by McCoil on their first play put them 9-21 down. The Argo offence scored a TD and the defence obliged with another pick-6 at the end of Q3 for 9-35.
   The RBs managed to block an Argo punt in Q4 for a TD, 16-35. The Argos fumbled away the kick off! Nothing from it. In fact, nowt from it was the story of the rest of the match.
   Ottawa? Nottawa!

Lorry driving’s Catch 22
Firms won't let inexperienced, newly qualified drivers behind the wheel of an expensive HGV with an expensive load but the only way to get the required experience is from driving HGVs.
   Thus the driver shortage will never be overcome.

markerWhat hope is there for the future if 76% of teenage girls could, might, maybe have developed an eating disorder caused by locko, auntie-social meeja or some other modern affliction?

face maskSome GPs are offering remote appointments to groups of up to 12 customers to get through their workload. Cheaper by the dozen don't mean better or even good enuff, though.

hatmanMust do better
The Butterfly Theory is getting the blame for the petrol shortage, which is a loada crap. As big a loada crap as applying that theory to the real world. A flutterby flapping its wings in Brazil and causing a tornado in the US can happen only in a frictionless computer model. In the real world, the effect is highly localized and nullified more or less as soon as the wing is flapped.
reader comment“Fuel shortages are due to 2 separate causes. The lies of Bremoaners and the stupidity of the idiots who believe stuff they read on the interweb that was posted by other idiots.” Destructo

reader comment“Talking about idiots, Ludicrous Rayner is raysist and sexist if she's against everything white & male. Which has to include Sirk Reepy.” Yufu Koff

reader comment“If the original Peloton bike is 14 hundred quid or so, how much is the new, improved version? One dreads to think.” Paul Unicar

look bothFar Queue symbol Creaky Joe's plan to blow $1,000,000 MILLION of US taxpayers' dosh has hit the buffers. His own crap Democrap party wants to blow lotz more! Build Back Worser.

bulletAre we afraid of male intimacy? Or just not bothered by it or interested in the antics of the Xhibitionists who do it? Aaaah, the latter.

musical note 2musical note 1More Music
Beethoven's unfinished 10th symphony has been completed using a computer and a mathematical algorithm, which extended the two existing movements to four. Experts are reported to be impressed by the quality of the effort, which was paid for by Deutsche Telekom.

eyesTwo speeds, dead slow & stop
If you want to know what's wrong with things done by the government's hirelings, reflect on the fact that it takes them 5 months to decide whether a terminated alpaca had bovine TB or not.

tick symbol President Boris is offering the nation Radial Conservatism. His charisma will radiate out from wherever he happens to be and cheer up everyone for hundreds of miles around.
   Something much more desirable than Sirk Reepy flapping like a soggy tea towel on the sidelines.

UK flag Apparently, heavy rain caused flooding in the South of England a few days ago. It was decidedly breezy here in Romiley but nowt like that rainfall here. And the River Rom is well under control now.

reader comment“Anyone accused of sending offensive on-line messages—or, indeed, a whole group of people—can always say they did it to find out who is spying on them and depriving them of their 'uman bluddy right to expression.” Matt Category

bulletAmazonian J.B. Zos is to launch William 'Captain Kirk' Shatner into near space on one of his phallic rockets. Whether the 90-year-old Shatner will be allowed to return to The Planet has not yet been disclosed.

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Romiley Frivolities, 82 Riverside Drive

Far Queue symbol Labour BBC mouthpiece N. Robinson cheeks President Boris to make the story of his Tory conference interview with our leader all about himself. How bleedin' typical of Those People.
reader comment“Is this Robinson guy French?” Gunter Brog

markerThe NHS has Gone Green
Instead of always-on GPs, the customers in the exciting, green future will be at the mercy of occasional GPs, who might let them have a phone or video appointment, but who probably won't give a potentially life-saving face-to-facer in time.
   Boom time for the private sector, though, and a cull of paupers.
   Plenty of business for the legal trade also when relatives of the deceased sue the taxpayer for wilful neglect of duty.

markerMore Rewilding Ambitions
The discovery of a million-year-old hippopotamus tooth here has put the UK's rewilding crew into a dizzy spin. They are now demanding a bucketful of taxpayers' cash and a suitable stretch of river to return the hippo to England "where it belongs".

markerThe Bard bonked again
Poor old Wm. Shakespeare's character Hamlet is getting a really good going over. Some old bloke in his ninth decade has done the lead in the play of the same name. Now, some woman has the job.
   Wot next? A visiting alien from the Planet Zarg? Or some humanoid android that fell through a time warp? Is it really worth spending 3 hours at risk of coming into contact with a plague carrier for this experience?

reader comment“If Wee Burneystan does a bunk, everyone else can still put a UK sticker on the back of their vehicle. Only then it will stand for Untied Kingdom.” Allers Windchill

eyes“Electricity to be all green by 2035” sez President Boris
Translation It will be on when it's on and you won't be able to afford it anyway unless you have a public sector job or pension.

evilWTFHXtermination by other means?
Could all the agitation to get police officers fired for larking about on anti-social meeja be the BLAME Bunchers @ it again? They want to get rid of the police to give criminals a free ride. Getting lotz of copper sacked for nothing much could be one way to do it.

markerGoing the whole hog
The gates of Buckingham Palace were besieged yesterday by Reversionists demanding that the site be rewilded with wild boar. Xtending the plan to the surrounding London streets is to follow if they get their way.

first class stampmarkerWorth a try
Auntie-social meeja are getting a big share of the blame for the o'besity crisis. Sharing foody pix is encouraging people to scoff recklessly, we are invited to believe. And receiving photos of tasty grub can cancel the sense of judgement of even the most sensible of people.
   The Food Police are hoping for lotz more outages of FakeBuk, etc., in the hope that the problem can be checked, if only slightly.

bulletQ: Why are energy prices soaring?
bulletA: Because the producer companies are being allowed to profiteer shamelessly, especially those in Putinstan, which have to keep billions flowing into the pockets of their president. Demand has been low due to the Chinese plague's slaying effect on industry. Now that companies are using gas again, the producers are extorting their lost profits.

monsterreader comment“Making a monster's face in a film look like the disgraced mogul H. Wheensteen isn't much of a revenge porn gesture if the film director, who attempted to perpetrate an outrage, had to explain what he'd done because no one spotted a resemblance between the monster mask in the film and Mr. Wheensteen.
   “And it's still not apparent even when they are pictured side-by-side.” Alfons Kneecapping

first class stampreader comment“When President Boris talks about the powder rooms of north London dinner parties, is he referring to the room where they snort their coke before demanding it be decriminalized?” Fractious Emmet
reader comment“It seems clear that the po-faced whingers just don't get it. A party leader's speech, as done by the likes of Boris, is a turn. Something to cheer up the faithful. As opposed to the endless, tedious drone from the likes of Sirk Reepy.” Dar Korder
reader comment“Government policy is for the House of Commons. Otherwise the inmates, especially Sirk Reepy's bunch, start leaping up and down and yelling they are being disrespected.” Bilk Linton

look righttick symbol Plans to build new structures will be trampled into the dust if the government's Design Tsar deems them ugly, the chairman of the Tory party has announced.
   One of the DT's principal tasks will be hurling mockery @ silly stories confected by members of the Trivials in search of political advantage or just a little bit of attention.

eyesThe Speaker of the Commons is pettishly demanding to kno why Killer Couzens was allowed in to his domain. Because it was his job to be there, is the rather prosaic explanation. No wobbly needed.

first class stampreader comment“There's no point complaining about Tony B. Liar dodging £300+K in stamp duty if he did so perfectly legally. Why shell out the tax and let the government waste it if you don't have to?” Vor McAcid

reader comment“'Free HRT' is a cute slogan but there is no such thing as free prescriptions. Some bugger still has to pay for the treatment. Like the taxpayer who can't do a Mr. Liar and avoid it.” Jol Strnad
[Getting rid of the clogging wasteland of NHS red tape and all the people with non-jobs would more than cover it. Ed.]

reader comment“Oh, to be rich enuff to have staff to pedal the Peloton for me!” Prener Pott

marker The Alarmists are warning us that everyone is going to get a dose of flu this winter with a simultaneous dose of the Chinese plague. As a result, no one will feel like doing Xmas and, conveniently, the shortages of everything cause by vexatious foreigners, the Chinese plague and the energy crisis.
reader comment“If there is a severe shortage of pest-powder, lucky customers will also get a simultaneous dose of flea.” King Pin

CFL logoYay! It’s Friday Nite Football
Edmonton Antlers helmet The Blue Bombers failed to klingon to an interception chance when the Antlers were driving, and were stopped @ the Edmonton 1 on a 3rd down. 2 & safety by the Ants, 0-2. The next BB effort produced a TD, 0-9. The Ants gave up another safety in Q2, 0-11.
   The Bombers carved through Swiss cheese but Collards was picked in goal and the Ants managed a FG. 3-11. Lotz of defence and the half closed with a BB missing a long FG try. But the Bombers made the EA opener of Q3 end in a punt, which was blocked. Short field, Swiss cheese defence, FG, 3-14.
   The next BB FG try missed but they got an EA safety as a consolation prize. 3-16. Another BB FG try missed for a rouge, 3-17. In Q4, his team heaved Harris into the EA end zone, the PAT kick missed, 3-23. Cornelius got a run out as QB for the Antlers, replacing Harris. More of the Bomber Harris & another TD. 3-30 with 2 minutes left. A pick by the Bombers marked The End of the agony for Antlers fans.
   Blue & Gold Harris VG, Green & Yellow Harris NBG.
furthermore . . . Indians might have been banned in Washington but they are still popular in Winnipeg.

Packers helmet Those win probabilities they offer on NFL Red Zone are a waste of time. The Packers were 77% win probables but when their kicker missed the second of two blown field goal tries—after having done the same with an extra point try—they ended up in overtime against the Bengals.
   Another miss by Crosby! A second miss by the Bengals' guy! 49 yards, right down the middle took Crosby from zero to just adequate, Green Bay wins 25-22.
bulletGreen & Yellow 1, rest of The Universe 1.

skull 1Culling those herd members without immunity
Apparently, the vaccination programme has ground to a near halt, as far as getting new customers is concerned. The 5 million non-participants are a mixture of idiots who have fallen for bunkum on the interweb, those too lazy to get it done and people like footballers who think they are too healthy to get a common plague, especially an inferior Chinese plague, and who believe that the vaccine will shrink their testicles.
   Don't Die of Iggorance is about to become somewhat irrelevant after the plague has made its final inroads into the ranks of the unvaxxed and the Britisch population emerges from another challenge in a smarter condition.

markerPower Punch-Up
Buying electricity from Morocco, where the trade winds blow and the sun shines, makes a hell of a lot more sense than building wind farms which gobble up subsidies when the wind don't blow or blows too hard.
   But will President Boris see sense? There's no guarantee of that, especially with Scary Carrie bombarding him with her propaganda. And we're talking about maybe 10% of our power requirement from Morocco.
   Even worse, the stet devretners reckon that the import scheme won't have Green Bollocks attached and it will actually increase gorbal warmage.
first class stampreader comment“Maybe they could stick some extra windmills next to the solar panels in Morocco to blow cooling blasts of wind over them and prevent the gorbal warmage.” Curcial Atkins
[Sounds as sensible as anything else on offer. And a good Xcuse for the Moroccans to claim a subsidy from the rest of the world for saving it. Ed.]
reader comment“Anything that puts us less at the mercy of the likes of Putin the Poisoner's artificial inflation of world gas prices is a very good idea.” Jael Farcical

UK flag Interesting point—insulating your home to save £400/year on energy costs (before everything went crazy) is an open invitation to the power companies to shove their prices up by that amount to maintain their profit levels.

first class stampreader comment“If the stroppy & sloppy French fishers try to sabotage the Channel Tunnel and the port of Calais, with the active encouragement of their government and the French police, how likely is that to make us eager to give them a more generous deal on fishing permits for UK waters?” Improper Sloane

reader comment“If Scary Carrie is getting President Boris to concentrate on more privileges for the Algae Boutique's customers, that means he will have less time to waste on his Green Bollocks, which can be only a Good Thing.” M. Stron
first class stampreader comment“I see that Scary Carrie has a rival, who's old enough to be her grandma and more than old enough to know better.” Nervous Presley

UK flagThe UK's rate of diabetes is doubling every 15 years currently due to o'besity. If the population continues to grow in size; rather than in numbers; and ill-health at the present accelerating rate, the Xperts calculate that everyone in the UK will be the size of a house and diabetic by 2072.

markerMake Room, Make Room!
The authorities in Singapore have sent a gang of 4-wheeled robots into the city's streets. They are the size of a pair of street litter bins of the sort found on Romiley's pavements strapped together and they are more than beefy enough to shove customers apart if they get close enuff to infringe social spacing rules.

CFL logoThe Stampeders in Regina on Saturday
First play, 71 yards, Mitchell to Campbell, 7-0. The Roughriders got a FG in reply, 7-3. One back for the Stamps, 10-3. Another try missed for nowt in Q2. The Riders got to 10-all with a TD after 9 minutes. The Stamps retook the lead with a FG in the last minute of the half, but left enough time for the Riders to make it 13-all.
   Lots more defence in Q3, which finished at 16-all. A pick in Q4 went to a RR FG, 16-19. They did nothing with another interception. The Stamps were sacked to a FG, 19-all with 4 minutes left. The Stamps got to FG range in the last minute. Boot! @ 00:00 but a false start. Now a 45-yarder, no problemo, 22-19 final.

first class stampreader comment“Why is it disgraceful for a police officer to do a J. Savile with a wig and a fat cigar @ a stag party but okay for S. Cougan to do him in a BBC mini-series?” Nervous Presley
reader comment“One doing it for free, the other being paid by the taxpayer.” Merse I. Full
[It's another case of another rule for Those People. Ed.]

reader comment“The reaction to FakeBuk vanishing for a few hours is being likened to the end of the world by over-excited journos. News flash—there are lots of people who can manage very well without visiting FB, etc., from one year to the next. Their only 'problem' is being members of the neglected minority with no mental 'elf isshues.” Sosa Rancho

Smug BuggermarkerDeeper down the pan
The schmeducation trend begun by corrupt bliar new labour has reached the point where someone with a first degree from a once-decent university is unlikely to be able to spell or have much idea about English grammar.
   This is due to abuse of the Equalities Act to make being crap @ written language no sort of drawback when it comes to awarding a degree.

bullet Gamble Responsibly!
Give us more money than you can afford to part with and don't bloody whinge about it.

footballWorried about taking on England @ football in a World Cup qualifier match? What can you do? Trying to burn down your national stadium didn't work for Andorra.
   They still had to go ahead with the match and get tonked five-nil.

bulletQ: What do you get for hijacking your ex's Alexa gadget & revenge porn?
bulletA: Away with it if you're female and screw all that crap about equality.
bulletQ: What do you get if you waste £3.5 MILLION of taxpayers' money by larking around and digging tunnels near Euston station in London?
bulletA: All together, now . . .

icebergThe attention-seeking Greens in Wee Burneystan are claiming that the COP-out BF Gorbal Warmage Fiesta in Glasgow next month is the last chance to halt catastrophe.
   Which should mean that when the fiesta is over, there will be no need for us to hear any more drivel from these drama queens ever again. Phew!

Scottish flagmarkerThe Scots are building one of the most violent societies on The Planet with a guestimated "up to 1 MILLION" unreported cases of domestic violence every year.
   Wee Burney is Xpected to respond by demanding more millions from English taxpayers to paper over her cracks.
reader comment“Sounds like it's almost as bad north of the border as living somewhere that has the Talibandits in charge.” Des Tination

cross symbol The latest film of The Scottish Play is getting a bit of a kicking from the critics because Lady Macbeth is played by a woman who is white, rather on the young side and has no visible deformities. The man himself is portrayed as some African, who got shipwrecked on the Scottish coast and took the place over.
[Maybe they should have got Kermit the Frog for Lady M. Ed.]

CFL logoThanksgiving in Montreal—will it be a turkey, though?
Sack, sack on Evans, the RedBlacks punted. 3 plays to a TD for Wieneke, 0-7. Lotz of defence. Q2 started with a FG for the RBs, 3-7. They did nothing with a great interception. The Als were sacked to their 5 and gave up a safety, 5-7. Evans made a long dash to the MA 12; time count violation; FG, 8-7 at the half.
   A FG 5 minutes in to Q3 put the Als 8-10 ahead. Murray caught a tipped pass for the Als, Adams was sacked on the next play. He ran for a 1st down and was flattened. FG, 8-13. Lotz of hostility on the field and a FG for the RBs, 11-13. They went ahead with a FG after 8 minutes of Q4, 14-13.
   The sackfest continued. The Als gave up a safety with 3½ minutes to go, 16-13. Was it a TD for the Als with 24 seconds left? Yes after endless reviews. 16-20. And that was the last of the scoring. Not much of a holiday for the walking wounded!

markerSic Semper Tyrannis
Prestwick airport, one of the many white elephants in Wee Burneystan, is in trouble again for trying to Xtort cash from nearby wind farm operators in complete disregard for the laws of the land.
   The spivs running the airport are also demanding that the wind farmers sign non-disclosure 'agreements' to hide the Xtent of their criminality. The Scittish government is sitting on its hands as it is desperate to unload the hugely loss-making airport on some sucker who can be convinced that the wind farms are a source of endless cash. Much like the English taxpayer.
[Note: all such remarks are directed at the cynical attitudes of Wee Burney & Co. and not at the Scottish people at large, some of whom are close friends of ours. Ed.]

marker 47% of the biological species in the UK have proved to be inadequate to meet the challenges of life in the 21st century. Whether humans will qualify as successful has yet to be determined.

skull 2‘The Government’ is always useless and
expecting it to be anything else is pointless

If this version of The Government made a bog of handling the Chinese plague when it arrived, imagine how much worse things would have been with a Labour government and O.J. Corbynstein or Sir Kreepy Steamer in charge.

marker Sky TV has been fined $2M for showing a series called Hitman instead of giving it a more wokely acceptable title, such as: Hitperson of indeterminate sexual orientation & ethnicity.

CFL logoThanksgiving Monday in Hamilton
The TiCats went ahead with a TD after 7 minutes; the PAT was a bad miss; and a FG after 13 minutes, 0-9. They got close 5 minutes in to Q2, but just a FG, 0-12. Facing 3rd & 18 at their 2, the Cats gave up a safety, 2-12. As the half ran out, the Argos managed a FG despite Bethel-Thompson's brain-fade. 5-12.
   The Argos missed a FG try in the 5th minute of Q3. The Cats returned the kick but they were put back to their 2 after a penalty. Bang! to their 48 in one gulp; nothing to follow. Their next drive ended with an overthrown pass to the end zone but the Cats got a rouge from their punt. 5-13. The Argos started Q4 with a FG for 8-13. Masoli fired a 45 yard TD pass, 8-20. One back by the Argos, 15-20.
   Daniels managed a circus catch and got one foot down at the side of the end zone, no +2, the Argos up 21-20. A challenge helped the Cats to a go-ahead FG, 21-23. The Argos made a 3rd & 6 to the TC 44 and Bede obliged with a FG for a 24-23 walk-off win. Phew!

markerNFL = Nearly Functional League
CFL = Completely Functional League

Far Queue symbol Despite the life-saving success of Big Pharma companies in creating vaccines for the Chinese plague, Those People are still trying to portray the people running them as Bad Characters who are in need of cancellation.

bullet Is delivering mail to Orkney using a drone a brilliant new idea? Actually, it's just recycling the rocket mail ventures of the 1930s using a better delivery mechanism. But we're not supposed to notice that.

hatmanburglarThe Mafia bosses in the Untied States are upset with their young punk future replacements. Why? 'Coz the punks use their phones to send out death threats & Xtortion demands & creating a trail which the FBI can follow back to the crime gang concerned.

bullet Forget knives and guns. Bad guys in India are using poisonous snakes as their weapon of choice for wiping out victims.

markerSweet racket
A student accommodation block in Glasgow has rooms starting at a rate of £238 per week. Which is 164% of what someone on the state pension gets per week. Presumably, the cash comes from a taxpayer-funded loan, which the student will Xpect never to have to repay.

first class stampReally Bloody Daft Idea Something else to add to the list of things in need of abolition is the concept of a barrier where none exists.
   In the olden days, aircraft used to shake & rattle as they approached the speed of sound and things calmed down once they were beyond it. Thus the concept of a barrier works in this case.
   But there is no such barrier to £2,000/year energy bills. The price just goes where it goes quite easily & smoothly. And also inevitably.

Foxes are doing their bit to curb the pollution caused by motor vehicles. They have discovered that if they chew through brake lines on cars on domestic driveways, they get a sweet-tasting drink of brake fluid containing ethylene glycol.

Who’s the real donkey’s bum?
Far Queue symbol It's right down there in the depths of the pits of prethetic confection for newspaper bods to try to persuade politicians to tell people to wear a woolly jumper 'coz of outrageous fuel costs just in order to be able to mock the politician for doing it.

Far Queue symbol The bloke from Zanzibar who won the Nobel Preis for Literature with his moans about colonialism, and who is parked in the UK, thinks we're surprised that people from shite-hole countries like his became want to come and live here.
   We're not. What annoys us is that they think they can just turn up uninvited and expect a free ride here. But as he's a foreigner himself, he probably doesn't get that.

reader comment“Letting someone claim to be an astronaut after spending three minutes larking about in a capsule just a bit higher up than 60 miles above sea level totally devalues the concept.” Elsinore Fenagrel

football ragemarkerOne Downmanship
The top First Division clubs are outraged by the Saudi takeover of Newcastle United F.C. Not because the regime is oppressive and it butchers dissident journalists in its consulates, but because they see the inevitability of serious dosh being spent on the Tyneside club and a big crimp being put in their prospects of becoming champions of something or other.

bulletQ: Are they going to stop calling it guynocology and making it all about men?
bulletA: Could happen.

UK flagHow is decarbonization going to protect industries which use methane natural gas? Or is President Boris going to come up with a carbon-free version of methane?

Lag Yer Granny

postage stampreader comment“If we need to use coal to generate electricity, S.O.B. it and sod the Green Bollocks agenda.” R. U. Screwing
reader comment“Not using fracking to get at shale gas and the oil & gas reserves offshore amounts to a criminal conspiracy against the British nation by Those People.” Yehl O'Roza

reader comment“If inflation hits 8%, as the Xperts are predicting, not giving that much of a rise to pensioners . . . will happen just the same.” Ptero Dactyl

RevealedXmas tree lights are to be banned in a one-off, this-year-only measure to reduce the likelihood of power blackouts during the Festering Season, the Ministry of Power has announced.
bulletThe BFG is trying to get the term blackout cancelled but they are unable to settle on and acceptable alternative.
[BFG = Black Fist Gang, Ed.]

look leftSky is getting into the carbon neutral racket with a range of high-priced TV sets that need a broadband connection. Those with an old-fashioned satellite dish could find it rendered useless in due course as the satellite broadcaster bins the name Sky and rebrands itself as GreenEarthbound.
   Xtracting even bigger gouges from the customer's bank balance is what it's all about, of course.

bullet M. Rashford might now be a card-carrying saint but he is still doomed to be remembered as one who is useless @ taking a penalty kick when it counts.

cross symbol The NatWest bank is going to have a problem making a stonking profit this year if it is fined £330,000,000 for helping a dodgy dealer to launder £264,000,000 in actual banknotes.

UK flagBuilding Back Bollockser
There is no truth to the rumour that the famous Downing Street Makeover included the installation of rattan chairs with Xtra rat.

Scottish flagFar Queue symbol Wee Burney Sturgeon is waiting for all the old, sensible people in Scotland to die so that she can become president of an independent country voted for by idiots.
   She is hoping that letting the Chinese plague run riot will make IndyRef 2 happen rather sooner than it should if IndyRef 1 was a once-in-a-generation thing.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

    WEEK 3      Joining the Spottyfish Stream . . .

bullet President Boris is being accused of ignoring business. But as the CBI has a track record for being dead wrong more or less 100% of the time, no one is particularly bovvered.

bulletApparently, there was a £184 MILLION EuroMillions jackpot on offer last Tuesday. Nobody in Romiley won it.

tick symbol Joke of the Year
What is red & bad for your teeth? A brick.

rageTeapot of the chocolate sort
Police officers who stand around, doing nothing, whilst morons obstruct traffic are liable for prosecution under the Accessories and Abetters Act of 1861. But sadly, this is not something Sir Kreepy Steamer's successor as Dir. of Pubic Prost. is likely to have the nerve to do.

skull 1Not me, Gov!
When you look at what was actually in the report from the MPs investigating the government's response to the arrival of the Chinese plague, the government itself dodges the bullet.
   Ministers followed the advice of so-called and self-proclaimed Xperts because they lacked the training & expertise to make decisions. And the resulting shambles was caused by the Xperts getting things hopelessly wrong.
   Which is exactly what will happen the next time something similar or completely different comes along.

Ad Attack Join the Spottyfish Stream™
More TV than you can shake a stick at!
Romiley Meeja Melders, 53c Riverside Drive

bulletPutting a punk kid in a Superman suit and making him a customer of the Algae Boutique is pandering to the preverts. But if Marvel Comics can't sell them to normal people, S.O.B. it.

Putin for lunch?hatmanPutin the Poisoner's latest birthday picture has abandoned the traditional bare-chested look in favour of a pose with a stuffed bear in a museum.
   This was done in the hope that the gullible, and those in Putinstan who know what's good for them, will think that the Big Brown Bear is real and Vlad is dead brave.

Burning wood pellets shipped here from the Untied States to a power station produces MORE carbon dioxide than using coal to generate electricity. And this bogus greenery scam is accelerating gorbal changes, some of the self-proclaimed Xperts have us believe.
   The rest are whistling a happy tune with their hands over their ears so that they don't hear anything contradictory.

marker Despite all the efforts to portray black history as something totally brilliant and essential, it is fated to remain in the same box as cricket. Something that's there but of no interest at all to most people.

markerMan with a mission
David Hockney, 2021 Celebrated Yorkshire artist D. Hockney spent last year creating 220 landscape pictures of his farmhouse home [in Normandy, not Yorkshire, Ed.] on a tablet computer. 100 yards of them are on show @ the Musee de l'Orangerie in Paris. [France, not the one in Texas. Ed.]
   The tableau features prints, of course, as there are no artist-created hard-copy originals on one of the traditional craft media such as paper or canvas.
bullet BFN's art editor attempted to calculate the total cost of Non-Fungicidal Tokens for the entire collection but his calculator blew up in his hand under the strain.
bullet The collection is being compared to the water-lily frieze created by C. Monet, which is displayed in the same museum. There is a significant difference, however. M. Monet was notorious for being either too mean to buy a pair of specs or too vain to wear them, hence the blurry 'Impressionist' nature of his pictures.
   Mr. Hockney (above, right) has no such inhibitions about wearing specs in order to see the world as it actually is. And no problems with treating the world to an eyeful of a garish suit.

green ballshatman President Boris is keen to put his green bollocks on show but not so keen to explain where the £47,000 will come from to insulate, de-gas and heat-pump the average domestic dwelling. Nor is he willing to admit that even if the UK gets the green bollocks arranged in a neat row, it will have NO SIGNIFICANT EFFECT on the climate of The Planet because our emissions are an insignificant fraction of global emissions.
reader comment“And before you start, Boris, cobblers to your crap about China, etc., following where we lead.” Meg Awatt

green ballsrageIt has been pointed out that, with winter approaching, we should be talking about Boris' Blue Bollocks Agenda, which seems to be an inevitability when the gas & lecky stop flowing and the whole country freezes.
Xplodereader comment“Why should we insulate? These bastards are just trying to swindle us out of our 'uman bluddy right to as much free power as we need to stay warm. Stand up to them and kick 'em where it hurts as often as necessary.” Labi Rinth
[Sounds like a view the ECHR's dotty old judges would endorse. Ed.]
reader comment“How bleedin' typical. The government condemns the concerned citizens who drag scumbag idlers off roads and does bugger all about compelling the police and other to do the job they're paid for and keep the highways clear and impose stonking fines on the scumbags.” T. Redmill

How bloody dare they!
Rail company bosses are furious that their reward-for-failure pay rise is only 6% when inflation is Xpected to soar to 8%.

A little spot of inflation/exaggeration
marker It's amazing how 'cudda' becomes fact in the hands of the meeja. At lunchtime, it was 43,000 people cudda, might, maybe have had a false negative result from a test for the Chinese plague.
   By 9 p.m., it was absolutely definitely shock-horror true that 43,000 people actually did get a false okay even though they were plague carriers.
[Customers are advised to keep their wits about them. At times, the 'official' news can be as unreliable as stuff found on the interweb. Ed.]

Far Queue symbol Four top political trough-scoffers are having fingers pointed at them for being involved in a campaign to make a dodgy UAE police chief with a history of torture (alleged) the new boss of Interpol. Sic semper Those People.

Presidential turkeybulletQ: Is the nation going to starve @ Xmas with no turkey on offer?
bulletA: Despite all the wearisome propaganda of Those People, one thing the country is not short of is things to eat and stuff to drink. Although, the imagination to use alternatives to the same old, same old might be a bit lacking.
reader comment“When is some Health Professional going to point out that some enforced dietary abstinence during the Festering Season will be good for relieving the o'besity crisis, if only by a little?” Furz Ackerley

bulletQ: What's the latest abuse of the TV licence fee?
bulletA: £500,000 compensation for the graphic artist whose life was trashed when the BBC bosses were treating M. BashedEar as a tin god. Shudda come out of their wages. Won't be.

bullet The BBC is offering its managers and alibi for rachel bias, real or imagined. All they have to do is plead low blood sugar and they become fireproof.

tank protestermarkerThe Britisch Army is in the process of shrinking into invisibility. Instead of a collection of persons with guns and tanks that don't work, it is likely to end up as a handful of WFH drone operators, who zap bad guys on a strictly hands-orf basis.

bullet The wonks running Aston University in Birmingham are trying to cancel the term mankind in favour of personkind. 3 loud toots of the Bollocks Alert Buzzer if you please, Mr. Engineer.

Far Queue symbol Shops in California have been ordered to castrate and neuter toys to make them gender-irrelevant enuff to satisfy the Algae Boutique gang.

footballIn response to visiting Hungarian football fans booing England's team for doing the knee of shame in support of criminals and abolishing the police before scraping a 1-all draw @ Wembley, FIFA has announced, surprisingly, that it is 100% against discrimination.
   Which has to include discrimination against criminals.

Not all jolly fun
Those going to the COP-out BF climate jamboree in Glasgow next month stand an excellent chance of picking up a dose of the Chinese plague, the Xperts are warning. Getting the blame are two 'germ factory' cruise liners, which will be used to house security & service staff and lesser-mortal jamboree-ers.
bulletWould-be junketeers from places like Africa & Haiti are complaining that they can't go because they can't get a visa or they can't afford one.
reader comment“So that's fewer Grotter-clone freeloaders? Which can only be a Good Thing.” Hella Nacelle

bulletQ: How is Romiley coping with the Not-So-Great Fuel Fiasco?
bulletA: Our strolling correspondent noted in passing this morning that BP is charging 143p for petrol and 147p for diesel, and that seems to have had a calming effect on the market. No queue and just one customer on the site.

police helmetWasted Effort
Police forces in England & Wales are confecting as many sexual misconduct charges against officers as possible in order to be seen to be doing something about it, no matter how ineffectively.
   In one study, 92% of such charges did not turn out to be worth the sack.

CFL logoFriday Nite Football in Edmonton
Edmonton Antlers helmet Defences ruled @ the start and the Antlers got the first points from inflicting a safety on the Blue Bombers, who blocked an EA punt and went on to a FG and 3-2 at the end of Q1. The Ants kicked a FG in Q2, the Bombers replied with a TD, 10-5. A FG back at them in the 14th minute, 10-8.
   In Q3, the Edmonton coach used a challenge to wipe out a duff penalty and made the BB kick a FG, 13-8. Another from the next BB drive, 16-8. The Ants got to the red zone with a great pass play, on to a TD, DPI on their +2 try gave them another go and they shoved their guy into the end zone for 16-all.
   The Ants dropped a pick chance and the BB went on to a TD in the 7th minute of Q4, 23-16. The Bombers missed a FG try but made the kick after sacking the Ants at their 25 on a 3rd down. 26-16. The end? No, that came after the Antlers coughed up the ball trying to do a return of the kick off in the last few seconds.

bullet Authors who create cardboard characters now have the Xcuse that they are not offering characteristics to avoid shaming those who don't share those particular attributes and they are allowing the reader to create his/her/its own vision of the character.
[Total BS or what? Ed.]

markerThe reason why snoflakes are unteachable, the Xperts have discovered, is that they think all of their opinions are unassailable facts and anyone who doesn't agree with them has to be a liar and a Bad Person.

Official Premium Bonds are not an investment. The Xperts have crunched the numbers and they are just a delusion and a con job.

reader comment“Did T.J. Hooker-Shatner's trademark wig become detached when he was in free fall for a couple of minutes and were those pictures censored? The world should be told!” Bro Ken

bullet What sort of twit pays £353 for a pair of specs when you can get them for six quid?

lookJust sound with no fury
Despite the garbage issuing from the cosmetic mayor of London, Sadgeek Khan't, an Xpert has taken a close look @ what the Metropolitan police are actually doing to tackle knife crime in the capital and struggled to find any signs that anything at all is being done.

bullet Historical Fact: Angular Mherkel was dubbed Germany's Mrs. Thatcher back in 2005 on the basis of being a woman, not because anyone Xpected her to achieve anything politically. Which is exactly how things have turned out.

markerAnnouncing that catching the Chinese plague and a current strain of flu @ the same time doubles the customer's death risk has to qualify the high honcho of the UK Health Security Agency for this month's No Sugar, Shirley! award.
reader comment“Not exactly wonderful news for the anti-vaxxers, the not-bovvereds and the too healthys.” Harry Zontal

look leftMeeja morons were outraged by a government minister's disinclination to make grovelling apologies to them for doing what the Xperts demanded when the Chinese plague arrived.
   Like Opposition stooges, the morons failed to appreciate that two separate Commons committees found that 1. the Xperts' advice was a loada crap and 2. the government followed the advice as it came from supposed Xperts.
   The problem was that the inaptly labelled SAGE Xperts didn't know their onions and they should be the ones grovelling on their knees if anyone has to do it.

marker Anyone surprised that phone consultations with GPs are being credited to the face-to-face consultations column by NHS bean-counters?

NFL action Fish squished @ Spurs
A long opening drive gave the Dolphins a TD in the NFL's second trip to England. The Jaguars replied with a FG, 7-3. Back to the red zone but a FG for the MD in Q2 and another in the 10th minute, 13-3. A TD pass to the end zone in the last minute got the Jags to 13-10 and left enough time for the Fins to miss a long FG try.
   A 75-yard TD play in Q3 put the Jags 13-17 ahead. They made an interception in the last minute of the quarter but were stuffed going for 4th & 1 from the MD 9 in Q4. The Fins reached the JX 2, TD, 20-17. The MD blew a time out on a challenge, and another because the Jags wouldn't jump on a 4th & 1. They blew another challenge by trying to claim a punt touched a JX player on the way to the end zone tor a touch-back.
   A 54-yard FG tied the scores @ 20-all with 3:40 left. The MD were stuffed on a 4th & 1. 1:46 left with the Jags @ the MD 46. False start, sack, sack, 3rd & 20! Which became 4th & 8 and 1 second left after a time out. Bring out the kicker, Boot! 53 yards? No problem.20-23 final, the Jags break their endless losing streak and both teams are now 1-4.

bulletToday’s Definition: Toughdown
The player with the football is barged across the goal line by his team.

UK flagA survey by the SNP positions Wee Burney Sturgeon as the most influential woman in the UK. No, don't laugh, missus. It's crool to mock the afflicted.

XplodemarkerJust to make things a bit worser . . .
The boss of the Heinz Beanz company is working overtime on putting in place all sorts of Xcuses & alibis for stonking rises in the prices of his company's products.
bullet Customers are advised to remember that other brands, including supermarket own-brands, are available.

marker Sussex University seems to have become a safe haven for lotz of louts & thugs, who feel free to threaten professors with violence and get away with it. The professors, meantime, are advised to have security guards or even a police escort when they venture onto the campus. Either that, or do video lectures from the safety of Prospero's magical island.
   Oh, brave new world . . .
furthermore . . .A lefty academic is bent out of shape by being uninvited to a do @ the Home Office 'coz she tries to make everything about her speciality, colonialism, and cheeks the Home Sec. shamelessly.

T-shirtFar Queue symbol The Archbish of Cantab, J. Welby, could face cancellation over his role in protecting a known paedophile canon, who is now doing 9 years in chokey.

Far Queue symbol No surprise that Putinstan's Sputnik vaccine for the Chinese plague is based on a stolen sample of AstraZeneca's vaccine. It's pretty much what we expect from a charter member of the Red Menace.

dustbinmarkerVote Green, get a stonking health hazard
The Greens in charge of the council there have turned Brighton into a stinking rubbish heap. The council has upset the local binpersons, who have marched out on strike until at least the middle of next month and are letting the streets fill with overflowing bin bags & discards.
bullet It is suspected that the council will attempt to portray the refuse mountains as a brilliant traffic calming measure which reduces vehicular pollution by making the town's streets unnavigable.
bullet Alternatively, the garbage heaps could be brand-imaged as a highly successful rewilding project and the area presented as a green wildlife ecopark for rats and foxes.

Romiley Space AuthoritymarkerFrom one frontier to another
There are plans afoot to create a satellite launching spaceport on the Shetland island of Unst.
   Environmentalists are reported to be severely pissed off because of the cost and difficulty of getting there to make a nuisance of themselves with moans about The Planet-shattering effects of rocket exhaust fumes.

reader comment“The concept of lower carbon steel is tripe. If you remove the carbon from steel, you end up with iron, which is brittle rather than strong & bendy, and not much cop for the things steel is being used for, such as railway lines and frames for buildings.” Fran Tastiq

derisionStopped digging
marker The Literary Review's Bad Sex In Fiction Award has persuaded one nominee, the grate American author J. Franzen, to stop trying to pen crap sex scenes on account of the amount of derision he has attracted.

thumbThe Gorbal Warmage Police want people to collect rainwater and use it to flush their toilet. No doubt the medical trade will give a thumbs up to all the traipsing down and then back up the stairs to get a pailful of flushings and the benefits of the Xtra exercise to an o'bese population.
   Manufacturers of stair carpets are also Xpected to offer their endorsement.

markerCancel the COP-out BF plague-spreading jamboree in Glasgow next month. Prince Hairy & Princess Pinocchio are taking charge of all gorbal ishues as part of their new job as King & Queen of The World.
   This means that the rest of us can relax and concentrate on life's trivialities such as the Chinese plague and nothing in the shops 'coz of the lorry driver shortage and not being able to afford electricity and gas being unobtainable.
reader comment“This should come as a relief to the people of Glasgow, who are being encouraged by Wee Burney & Co. to let the jamboree-ers into their homes to save on hotel costs. Something which Wee Burney will have a stupendous reason for not doing.” Dev Radget

CFL logoSaturday Sport #1 in BC
A mass attack by the Lions got their guy into the CGY end zone for the first score, no +2. The Stamps went ahead with a TD after 14 minutes, 7-6. They added a FG in the 7th minute of Q2, 10-6. Another FG and yet another after blocking a BC punt, 16-6 at the half.
   The Stamps ran the Q3 kick off back 101 yards for a TD! The Lions managed a rouge. 26-7. BC got close but were sacked to a FG, 26-10. Another FG for the Stamps early in Q4, and another, and a TD from a pick. 39-10 final. Are these the old Stampeders back from wherever they went?

bullet American-style Football Xplained: Uberdashi—a great running play.

UK flagThe Chinese are cosying up to Prince Chuck as a means of infiltrating his Sustainable Monkeys Initiative, access to which will give the waxworks in Peking a means to spy on the likes of BP and AstraZeneca.
[Do a double check on that S.M.I. thing. Ed.]

eyesQuote of the Week
China is known for being one of the world's most polluting nations. The world has much to learn from this fount of wisdom about how to get away with it.

The IMF, like the WHO and most other international institutions, is now run from China. Wot next?
tank protesterreader comment“Maybe we should invite all the Insulate scumbags and their imitators to do it in China and see how far they get.” Syncro Circus
reader comment“That sums up the Insulate Morons nicely if their leaders don't believe insulation applies to them and/or they drive polluting diesel cars.” Rev O'Lting

CFL logoSaturday Sport #2 in the nation’s capital
The visiting Alouettes kicked a FG in the 3rd minute and scored a TD after 7 minutes, 10-0. An end zone tackle gave them a safety, 12-0. The RedBlacks came back with a FG and then a TD @ 00:00, 12-10.
   The Als kicked a FG in the 5th minute of Q2 and Wieneke scored a TD after 9 minutes, 22-10. They kicked a FG with 2 minutes left; time enough for the RBs to make it 25-13 at the half. 11 minutes of defence in Q3 ended with a FG for the RBs and 25-16. Another safety for the Als 6 minutes into Q4 put them 27-16 ahead, and that was the final score. These Alouettes are unstoppable.

markerAll bloody talk, no bloody action
The head of the Enviroment Agency is warning that Britain must adapt or face destructive floods like the ones seen in Germany and northern Europe earlier in the year.
   Which has to be hippocrazy of the worst sort, given that it is the Mint Agency which has been responsible for failing to dredge rivers, creating wetlands that are flood-prone and failing to manage the consequences of serious rainfall.

bulletQ: If there are 1.5 million unemployed, why are there 1,200,000 job vacancies?
bulletA: It's the old "wrong sort of" thing again. Remember "the wrong sort of snow"? Or was it leaves? Or rain? Anyhow, we have the wrong sort of applicants and the wrong sort of jobs on offer.

markerPlaying catch-up
As a consequence of the rise in the number and seriousness of friction burns caused by sliding contact with an artificial pitch, rugby players are to be allowed to wear protective leggings—something which non-male players are already allowed to do.

bulletQ: What's a great way to get lotz of free publicity for your book?
bulletA: Don't let it be translated into Hebrew.

markerWonk on, brain off
The people running the world of rugby in this country have been exposed as too dim to be able to tell the difference between the faux concept of cultural appropriation and the admiration of cultural appreciation.
reader comment“Must be all those boozy lunches & dinners & social events the poor sods are required to attend.” Lauren Orda

eyesForget boggo rollos and whatever the last panic-buying spree was about. The race is now on to fill the freezer with Xmas puds before shops & supermarkets run out. Probably enuff to keep an average family chomping through them until next Easter.

President Boris yawningFar Queue symbol Even if President Boris blows a trillion quid we can't afford on green virtue flags, the fact remains that we produce only 1% of global greenhouse gases and we're not the problem.
   And to make things worse, there is no reason to suppose the rest of the world will follow eagerly in Boris's footsteps.

UK flagLondon's cosmetic mayor has overblown his budget again. As a consequence, the traditional New Year fireworks display in the capital has been cancelled for the second year running as unaffordable.

first class stampreader comment“That comparison between black history and cricket really stands up. The only people BH really matters to are those hoping to make money out of talking & writing about it and those hoping for compenbloodysation for what was done to other people's ancestors—probably with the willing co-operation of their own ancestors.
   “The rest of us might express polite interest, or not, before we move on to something more relevant.” Ma Shlart

ShockHorror The main argument against having an 888 system for lone non-male persons seeking a safe escort appears to be that they would have to be seen to be doing something to protect themselves; i.e. press a few buttons on a pocket phone; and in an ideal world, this should not be necessary and so nobody should be allowed to have it, even those prepared to press the buttons, 'coz Those People won't allow it.

markerBaroness Hale is reported to think that the murder of Sarah Everard by Killer Couzens gained public attention ONLY because she was young, beautiful, middle-class and non-male. And this person Hale is a senior judge? Sheesh!

hatmanPandering to the BFG has reached the point where a non-black pop person who gets a heavy suntan on holiday is no longer allowed to make music videos until after the tan has worn off.
   As the person concerned is white, this falls under the umbrella of permitted rachelism—if not that of compulsory rachelism.
[BFG = Black Fist Gang, Ed.]

Ad Attack Are you a lot Gullible?
Then you need one of our magnetic copper bracelets
with their wonderful if illusory health benefits.
Special Offer: Two for the price of three!
Romiley Frivolities, 82 Riverside Drive

bulletQ: Hooligan—where did that word come from?
bulletA: It's Scots, based on the question: "Are ye gannin (going) tae (to) the hoolie (wild celebration)?" Those who expressed an intention to go were marked down as hooliegans (hooligans).

Be Advised The Road Haulage Association has been placed on the list of suspected enemy agents after it confected the fuel shortage in the south-east of England by leaking confidential information from discussions with government ministers in a manner calculated to create alarm & despondency.

bulletQ: Is it a tragedy that Apple is having to build fewer phones due to a global chip shortage?
bulletA: As there are enough pocket phones around for everyone on The Planet to have 5 of them, the only tragedy involved relates to Apple's profits.

bulletQ: Do we take any notice when the EFU blames our supply problems on Brexit?
bulletA: Of course, not; 'coz we know that the Europeon burrocraps are a bunch of idiots and they have an amazingly long track record of sheer stoopidity to prove it.

French flagFurther proof readily available
According to the French, our government arranged all the present crises—the Chinese plague, shortages of everything, etc.—to take our minds off Brexit. Looks like there's a really major shortage of something important in France—contact with reality.
reader comment“There's also the EFU view that President Boris has to have signed the NI Protocol in bad faith because that's what they did.” Formy Kasid

Putin the Poisoner is not completely out of his tree. He has spotted that abundant Green Bollocks Garbage in Europe is the cause of most of the problems there.

postage stampreader comment“Our poisoner pal is not without his own problems, though. He is losing customers to the Chinese plague at a world-beating rate. Mainly because Putinstanis don't want a Russian vaccine 'coz they assume it was made by a Putin crony and therefore it is bound to be crap. They want the Pfizzy stuff from Germany because everything they get from the Germans is great.
   “Of course, Putin could solve the problem at a stroke by admitting that the Sputnik vaccine was stolen from AstraZeneca, whose vaccine works. But then he'd have to admit dealing in stolen property and that his vaccine-brewing boasts are based on lies.” Tak Tickle

Good News The NHS backlog will be cleared by 2026. Unless another catastrophe like the Chinese plague crashes in, of course.

bulletQ: Is all your content outrageous?
bulletA: On the contrary, BFN is often rather inrageous.

What's behind the alleged mental 'elf crisis? Anti-social meeja. People with no imagination seeking the approval of strangers and becoming upset when they are ignored or mocked.
   Bringing back reading a book and leaving the gadget switched off would do a world of good.
reader comment“Okay, the trolls & influencers would end up as mental elves, but tough.” Diemen Krantz

bullet NEXT on your Sports Channel: World of Text Boxing.

markerMoving along with the reality thing
What is Billy Schatner going to do for an encore? He played a spaceship captain and he's been into space; sort of. He also played a cop.
   Is he now going to be invited to ride along in a police patrol car and shoot a BG for real? It's certainly his next logical move.

Far Queue symbol One thing the world doesn't have to worry about is a shortage of idiots, like the one who paid 18½ MILLION QUID for a half-shredded sketch by the graffitologist Bankski.

eyesWhat is the real cause of gorbal warmage? Streaming music services not paying a fair rate to musicians and forcing them to go on tour and cause all the loverley gorbal warmage.
   S'now U kno!

tick symbol Growing hemp for making ropes & fabrics is being offered as a way of gobbling carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere and saving The Planet from drama-queen doombuggers. It also has highly effective medicinal properties, we are assured.

markerU will B trolled!
There seems to be quite an industry devoted to trashing the reputation of famous people in our history—S. Pepys, Sir I. Newton (usually, well deserved), Admiral Lord Nelson, Sir W. Churchill, King Richard III, etc. Something for today's current saints to dwell on for when they are long gone?

markerFormer Tory Cabinet Minister R. Stewart—the only one who got it right when the Chinese plague arrived—is offering himself as chairman of the Notional Truss to rescue it from the lookist swamp into which this once respected institution has been allowed to lapse in recent years @ the hands of Those People.

    WEEK 4      Putting the ‘sod’ into rhapsody

bulletQ: Is it a serious problem that the Dead Sea is shrinking because the countries around it are diverting its water sources to useful things like agriculture?
bulletA: If it's dead, it's better to let it rot in peace and ignore the people trying to make money out of it or indulging in attention-seeking.

Far Queue symbol Following their Xperience of being personhandled; none too gently; by people who had places to go and jobs to do, the Insulationists are taking a week off to let their bruises fade.

Ad Attack Meditation Crystals—Gloop on Steroids!
All shapes, all sizes, all combinations of form & colour
What you pay is your only limitation
Romiley Frivolities, 82 Riverside Drive

Far Queue symbol The popsters ColdPlay are planning to deploy kinetic flooring @ their gigs so that they can pretend that fans jumping up and down on it are powering the sound system.

rageFar Queue symbol"Is there evidence we are underperforming?" demands a GP whilst mocking the Health Sec. for having a Magic Locum Tree. One back at him: "Where isn't there abundant evidence that GPs are not getting the job done?"

skull 2Just inches from doom
Just TWO MINUTES per day spent looking at the crap on aunti-social meeja can ruin your day, the Xperts reckon. Especially if you are looking @ what passes for news on the interweb. U have bin told!

rocket launchreader comment“People keep saying Wild Bill Shatner's rocket jaunt reached orbit. Which is bollocks. He was up in space for just a few minutes at a height that no orbiting space vehicle would park @ 'coz of too much atmospheric drag and he didn't have time to travel that far sideways. His trip was mostly up and down. Thus we have a significant relationship deficit between deed and description. Not a problem for the average journo, though.” A. Reader

marker + + + GPs seeking World Record declaration for throwing hissy fits over accusations of not seeing patients in person + + + Good chance of achieving one + + +

Romiley Space AuthoritymarkerPontification Time
Having considered the matter in depth, Romiley Space Authority has come down on the side of space tourism.
   It is, no doubt, the 'uman bluddy right of po-fazed zealouts to whinge about a waste of resources. Equally, people in touch with the real world have a 'uman bluddy right to point out that, in the context of the resources of The Planet, a small fraction of bugger all is involved.
   Life must include fun for those who have enjoyed success, no matter how many po-faced noses are thrust out of joint.
reader comment“Tourist rockets could damage the higher layers of the atmosphere, maybe, might? Wot about all the satellite launches, military and civilian, that there has been over the last 60+ years? Tourism is insignificant in comparison. But hey, never let the facts stand in the way of a good whinge.” Darry Kenry
reader comment“May the seagull of cynicism dumps its guano on self-satisfied egologists.” Serial Brooks

HOTSomething to make the Warmists weak @ the knees
It has been calculated that making the COP-out BF jamboree a bi-monthly event of the size of the one in Glasgow at the end of the month—with a different country hosting it each time—would raise the global mean noon temperature by 21.47 deg.C by the middle of the century.

bulletQ: NDC? Something to do with gorbal warmage?
bulletA: It's a typo for NCD—No Chance Declaration—which is an honest declaration of the unaffordability of most of The Planet's Green Bollocks Virtue Flag Plans. If not all of them.

bullet President Boris is reacting badly to being told that blowing a trillion quid that could be much better spent
on merely making a cosmetic dent
in the UK's ONE PER CENT
of global emissions is going to have bugger all effect on the climate of The Planet.

bulletQ: Is there a real row going on over a knocking job published in a US magazine which claims to be full of insider stuff about President Boris & Scary Carrie?
bulletA: Confected to put space between adverts.
bullet President Boris (right) offers a leafy ecological not unhumorous plea to the nation's annoying jerks

Boris' message to the nation

Revealed Most of what is 'known' about the mathematician A. Turing is sheer invention, his nephew reckons, and he should know as he has access to his uncle's archives.
   All the stuff about winning World War II single-handedly and being hounded to his death by an ungrateful state is just NeatFlix-style BS confected to put some vegan meat into TV dramas about a bloke who managed his life rather better than he gets credit for.

footballIn an alarming attack on their 'uman bluddy rights, fans of Newcastle United have been ordered not to wear tea towels on their head to show their appreciation of the Saudi buy-up of the struggling football club.
   Those People have no shame at all.

reader comment“A certain viewspaper was demanding to know 'Why did Palace cover up truth on Queen?' over her hospital visit. The answer is simple. 'Because the likes of you would have assumed she has the Chinese Plague and done an 8-page spread on her funeral plan otherwise and spread as much alarm and despondency as you could confect.' Especially a couple of days after a big moan from one of your Xperts asking if H.M. is doing too much.” Batty Boris

bulletQ: If GPs go on strike, will anyone notice?
bulletA: No doubt their trade union will yell it from the rooftops but otherwise, not that much.

bulletToday’s Definition: fraudvertising — stick Greenery into a pitch and you can get away with even the most outrageously blatant lies. Especially for 'green' electricity.

Be Advised As President Boris lines up his green bollocks in a neat row, what we have to remember is that all he has to offer is virtue flagging, which will have no measureable effect on the climate of The Planet.
   In fact, if all life on the Britisch Isles dropped dead on the spot; animals, bugs & plants; and all activity here ceased, it would have no measureable effect on The Earth's climate.
green balls   It's what happens in China, India, Russia, the Untied States and all the other Big Emitters that counts. We don't. And we, the people, need to keep on yelling that @ Boris & his successors and refusing to let them steal every scrap of comfort from our lives.

bulletQ: You're a top CoE bishop who thinks the Church has lost its way. What do you do?
bulletA: Make no attempt to fix what has gone wrong, leave the CoE in the Lurch and go off to be a Catholic.

bulletToday’s Educational Effort: supera—one better than superb

CFL logoFriday Nite Footie in Montreal
Defences ruled in Q1. The Argos missed a FG, they made the next one stick for 3-0 and missed another at the end of the quarter. A pick by the Alouettes in Q2 went to a TD on the next play; Lewis yanked his marker's long hair, quite legally, to make space for his catch; 3-7.
   One for the Argos in the 5th minute, 10-7. A 58-yard pass, Shiltz to Lewis again, wide open, TD, 10-14. The Als bashed their man over the goal line for another TD and 10-21 in the 14th minute. Bethel-Thompson was mugged & lost the ball, the Als went 2 & FG try—hit the upright.
   Q3 had the defences back in charge. The Als managed a FG and kicked another at the start of Q4. 10-27. B-T was picked for the 2nd time and the Argos wasted a challenge on it. A rouge from an Als punt, 10-28. Penalties helped the Argos to the MTL 2, ex-Alouette Pipkin in to the left of the crowd from the 1, 16-28, no +2.
   The Als kicked a FG with 2 minutes to go, 16-31. The Argos went out on downs. The Als punted. B-T was picked again for 6! with 1 second left. The PAT try was a bad miss. 16-37 final and that was some match!

bulletNo Cause For Alarm
"The Queen spent a night in hospital for conciliatory DVDs." At least, that's what it sounded like in the news broadcast.

Revealed The MP who was kicking the government for not having more than 4 days' gas supply in storage, one G. 'Cock-Up' Clarke, is the bloke who shut down our main gas storage facility in 2017 with no plan to replace it.

Far Queue symbol No wonder they call it FakeBuk. His fan club there has awarded Bollocks to Berko a K. Not something H.M. The Queen has seen fit to do, though, and with good reason.

Scary CarrieFar Queue symbol Bonquers Boris is not bovvered that his crazy rush to zero carbon will make Britisch industry uncompetitive and broke.
   Mr. Snack, the Chancellor, keeps warning him that he's on the road to disaster. But will BB listen?
   Not while Scary Carrie is directing traffic @ 10, Downing Street.
reader comment“As all the lost business will go to China, maybe we need to examine BB for slitty eyes.” Beau Nafides

pound coinsmarkerHysterically Hippocritical
Socialist Envy works in mysterious ways, the Xperts reckon. When shown a picture of a megarich individual, e.g. Bill Gates of MicroSoft, they (the Envious Ones) accept that he made his own success and vast fortune. But show them a picture of a group of zillionaires and the envy gene Xplodes into action and triggers demands that the zillionaires be taxed into impecunity so that the cash can be handed to . . . Envious Socialists.


  Dennis Hutchings, soldier, 80

Despite many years of service and multiple medical conditions, to which was added a gratuitous dose of the Chinese plague, he was hounded to his death by IRA-toadying prosecutors in Northern Ireland for the crime of being a British soldier in a war zone. So much for the thanks of a grateful nation.

bulletBad people do bad things and the government lets them and pays them with our money.

Bombshell Fast food joints are having to remove Spag Bol from their menus due to the unfortunate combination of a world shortage of bologs and the transport crisis.

Far Queue symbol Europe has been banned from the Eurovision Song Contest for persistent rachelism against the Britisch.

Maybe you’re supposed to be!

The NHS is wasting only £568 MILLION per year on pointless and potentially addictive pills.

tick symbol This sum would pay the salaries of 10,000 more GPs—if there were that many waiting in the wings for a job, which there aren't. Or 20,000 more nurses with the same caveat.

bang!reader comment“If China blows up the rest of the world with its hypersonic missles, who's it going to sell all its stuff to? Something that doesn't appear to have occurred to the waxworks, who could find themselves having to toil for a living.” Semi Lina
reader comment“Paradoxically, if China goes bust because everyone else is dead and there's no cash to buy their stuff, that should save The Planet 'coz China wouldn't be able to afford all its polluting industries.” Lin O'Leum

The AlamomarkerJust plain shameless
Everyone who's seen the movie knows what the story of The Alamo—Which must be Remembered—is all about. It's the saga of how a handful of Texican heros like Davy Crockett & Jim Knife came second in a battle with a vast horde of Mexican marauders.
   Unsurprisingly, this hasn't stopped descendants of Mexican migrants, Injuns and Of Colours trying to pretend it's really about them and trying to horn in on a new museum of Alamo relics including a huge number of donations worth ten million quid from sometime Genesis drummer & vocalist P. Collins.

CFL logoSuper Saturday #2 Massacre in Winnipeg
The Best in the West got to maul the Lions, starting with a TD plus a rouge from the kick-off, then another TD that put the receiver on a collision course with the post! 0-15. BC missed a long FG try. The Bombers got another single from a punt with 2 minutes left of Q2. 0-16
   Another TD for the Bombers after 7 minutes of Q3, 0-23. Michael was mugged, defensive TD for Jefferson, 0-30. A TD for Lawler in Q4 and 0-37. The Bombers returned a BC punt for a TD with 2 minutes left, 0-44. Enuff? Nope, they added another rouge from a punt for 0-45 final. The Bombers are now Grey Cup contenders.

markerBritish Gas adverts claiming they attend emergency call-outs quickly have been banned by the Advertising Standards Authority as misleading? Then how come one of our correspondents saw one during an episode of Murder, She Wrote on Saturday night?

bulletGeography Xplained: O'Kinawa—an Irish colony island in the south-western tip of the Japanese archipelago.

dustbinBin Wars
marker Inspired by their bruvvers in Brighton, the binmen of Glasgow are planning to turn Scotland's First City into a giant rubbish dump during the COP-out BF jamboree to tell the junketeers just what they think of their antics.

markerBoris clarified
"Cutting emissions in Britain could create hundreds of thousands of jobs . . . in China."

Xplode!reader comment“I see Boris knows that jobs here will be lost to firms abroad if the rest of the world doesn't keep pace with his plan—which is the likeliest outcome—but he's prepared to make that sacrifice on our behalf.
   “No doubt all those who lose their job will raise a glass at their redundancy send-off to toast their benefactor.” Ermin Diatribe
reader comment“Before going round to his house to break all his windows?” Deeon Maxley
reader comment“You do kinda wish that Boris would slacken off and do things on our bequarter rather than our behalf. Or maybe even on our be0.00001%.” Endzone Cliff

CFL logoSuper Saturday ended in Calgary
The Roughriders' opener was stopped by a pick, FG from it, 0-3. The Riders made a pick but lost the ball out of bounds after it hit a Stampeder! They kicked a FG at the end of Q1 for 3-all. They missed another try in Q2 and the guy on the horse got to do a charge close to the 3 minute warning, 3-10. The Riders were sacked to a long FG and the Stamps missed on in the last seconds, 6-10 at the half.
   A TD for the Riders after 8 minutes of Q3 put them 13-10 ahead. They did nothing with a pick but converted another at the end of the quarter into a TD in Q4 on 3rd & goal from the CS 3. 20-10. The Stamps were stuffed on a 3rd down inside the 3MW. They got to '& goal', Mitchell was flattened but a 3rd down TD got them to 20-17. 48 seconds. The on-side kick was fielded by SK, they punted with 9 seconds left, hurl & hope by Mitchell, the Riders win.

bulletPlague Prompt:
What we need is less hand-wringing and more hand-washing.

The Guinness Book of Records is believed to be considering whether to include Boris' Trillion Quid Green Bollocks Agenda as the world's biggest ever political swindle.

bullet"We are not the problem, Boris is."

markerBBC Logic
If viewers moan that some of the services look old-fashioned and out of date, and they want a modern BBC that's easier to use, everything can be fixed by blowing 2 million quid on changing the fonts of the BBC ONE logo.

bulletQ: What is the Apple penalty?
bulletA: Paying £19 for a screen wiping cloth with the Apple brand on it when something similar can be bought for a quid. The same applies to the phones, computers and everything else Apple.

marker We're still trying to decode a remark by a TV weather person to the effect that temperatures would be 'in the mid-suicides'. At least, that's what it sounded like.

Over-priced & overblown heat pumps work best when it's warmish outside and when it gets really cold and you really need them, they're useless. And they break down a lot. Or don't work from Day One.

heatmarkerHeat pumps Xplained
The ground-source ones are great if you live right next to a hot spring or an active volcano with a decent magma pool. They are NBG anywhere else and most don't work [see above, Ed.] and the annual upkeep, maintenance and insurance amount to both arms and both legs every year.
   Solar powered ones are great if you live somewhere that gets constant sunshine 24/7/365.25. NBG anywhere else.
bullet Switching from a gas boiler to a heat pump will raise an average annual energy bill by 73.947%. That's as long as the electricity to power it keeps flowing, which isn't a given thanks to government negligence, and the gadget works and/or keeps working, which seems highly unlikely.
   Those who take the heat pump gamble are advised that in cold weather, they could well be reduced to huddling round a bonfire in the back garden until their furniture runs out.

reader comment“Vast wind farms with turbines not built in the UK but in China; that's what President Boris is offering. And nothing for when the wind is blowing @ the wrong speed for the turbines to operate; or not at all. Wunderbar!” Paris Blauzek

Paradise Unchained

Princess Kate has a 'falls over in delight at the very thought' moment.

Joy unconfined!

bulletQ: Someone has calculated that we are responsible for 5% of the carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. Should we be making an extra effort to remove it?
bulletA: No, because these calculations are always a fraud. They put everything in the disbenefits column and nothing in the benefits column, such as the benefits to less advanced nations of our enterprise. In fact, there's probably even a slavery penalty tucked away somewhere. Ignore.

Ad Attack Non-Wireless Pockets™ are Our Speciality
Extensive range, prices to suit all garment pockets
Romiley Frivolities, 82 Riverside Drive

marker The only way to get the o'bese to take exercise is to scare them to death, the Xperts have discovered from extensive research. And if the customers do actually drop dead of scaredosity, that has the bonus of dropping them out of the sadistics!

hatmanThe roads in and around Glasgow are being Insulated. Not by those layabout nutters but by the nutters in charge of the council as COP-out BF draws near and the city is clamped down.
   Oh, yes, and the railway unions will be on strike to give the junketeers a really positive impression of Scotland. Have A Braw Day!
reader comment“Is the Glasgow binmen strike in solidarity with the GPs strike called by the British Malevolence Association? Or vice versa?” Ma Shlart

Far Queue symbol H.M. The Queen has graciously permitted the EFU to send a cosmetic ambassodor to Britain.

Political Pragmatism
bullet Vote blue, go green and see red as your future blackens.
bullet Vote red and see red as your bank balance plunges further & further into the red.
bullet Vote green and that's the colour your starved, rotting corpse will turn.

face maskPoland seems to have an exaggerated sense of its own importance if its government believes that the Poles being forced out of the EFU will lead to the collapse of this Franco-German club.
[Explanatory Note: Poland is causing alarm & despondency by insisting that the EFU must remain a union of sovereign states rather than become a Franco-German fief. Ed.]

face mask The professor who is the medical director of NHS England thinks that every customer should get a private room. We think that every Legit Brit should get a million quid. Which is just as likely to happen.

UK flagThe Post Office has taken time away from persecuting postmasters over imaginary acts of fraud to announce that it will not go in for contactless £100 payments.
1.27 cheers for that.

Aaagh!Wallets at the ready, folks!
National Savings & Investment, home of ludicrous interest rates, is planning to offer Green Bollocks Bonds.
   The interest rate has not been disclosed to the eagerly waiting nation.
   Probably because it will have to be about -5% so that 'investors' can wave 'Saving The Planet' virtue flags.

CFL logoSuper Saturday Opener in Hamilton
Full employment for punters & return men in Q1.The Ticats got to 3rd & goal in the first minute of Q2. DPI in goal gave short-yardage QB Evans a TD shot on the next play after a challenge failed, +2, 0-8. That woke up the Redblacks, but only to a FG after 6 minutes, 3-8. Defences took charge until Q3.
   The Cats punted but picked the first RB play, TD from their next play, 3-15. Masoli of the RBs was dinged; their next QB is another Evans. Almost a TD for the Cats, FG instead, 3-18 after 10 minutes. Defence into Q4.
   There was a pick by the Cats in the 9th minute. FG from it? No, they made a 3rd down from the RB 15 and scored a TD on the next play. 3-25, 3:20 left. The RBs went out on downs again. Another TD for Evans, 3-32 with a minute left for nothing worse to happen.

UK flagMiles off target, the usual SNAFU
The gang who are doing their best to pile sole responsibility for failing to extract all friendlies from Afghanistan on Foreign Sec. D. Raab are conveniently ignoring the endemic inertia of the British civil service, which makes getting anything done in less than a decade a logical impossibility.
   The F.O., in particular, is filled to the rafters with TUBs**. There are some decent & well-meaning people there, but whenever something is asked of the F.O., the usual outcome is a bog-up. Which ever party is in government.
[** Totally Useless Bunglers, Ed.]

Far Queue symbol Germany's outgoing boss, Angular Mherkel, is getting the blame for the current dreadful state of the EFU 'coz the rest of the bunch let Germany set the pace and the rulz.

bulletQ: What's a good way to upset the president of Ireland Beyond Ulster?
bulletA: Describe him as President of Some of Ireland.

bulletTonight’s Film:
The Outlaw Rosie Wales (2021) Josey's sister turns to crime.

bulletThe Nation’s Favourite is . . .
. . . Oregan Hassner (that's the TV heard from the kitchen sounded like it was saying)

The most popular kid on the block

"Your adventure playground is awesome, Adam!"


bullet The medical trade is definitely against Assisted Dying. Do No Harm takes second place to Make Money Out Of.

tick symbol The government is hoping that customers reading about J.K. Rowling's Xmas pig will take their minds off the absence of an Xmas turkey thanks to the evil machinations of Putin the Poisoner.

Ad Attack Dieselspivs™ Still Rule!
Despite all the exposés, the government is still
paying out hard cash. Get Yours!
Unit 5, Prejudice Business Park, Higher Romiley

tick symbol Tales of students being stabbed for no apparent reason and injected with some drug has given coppers everywhere an Xcuse to enjoy a night out on the taxpayer @ clubs frequented by students.

Hospital admissions for the Chinese plague by Vaxx status:
bullet One dose = 5%
bullet Unvaxxed = 36%
bullet Double dose = 59%
Which indicates that a safe vaccination rate is one shot. How unexpected!

Far Queue symbol Do we really Xpect to get sensible plague strategy advice from t.b. liar, the guy who confected us into a war in Iraq on the basis of a buncha lies confected by his underling campbell?
reader comment“The stuff of nightmares for Health Sec. Vajid Javid.” Exhumed O'Mission

UK flagSometime Minister for Something or Other Hancock's Half Hour has been Xcused from the chore of taking an unpaid UN non-job so that one of Those People can make some money-making contacts.

Far Queue symbol The Talibandits are waging war by other means on the West by encouraging heroin exporters to spike their drugs with powerful synthetic opiates, which are killing addicts @ an increasing rate.

markerEmpty virtue flagging
What Xactly will it do for the women who were killed after being accused of witchcraft hundreds of years ago if they are now found innocent? Any apology from some current government minister—in England or Scotland—will be entirely irrelevant & meaningless.
reader comment“Issuing pardons to miners convicted of thuggism during their 1984 strike, and letting IRA killers go free, has devalued the whole retro-pardon thing down to virtue flagging by the people doing it.” Ebrim Portico

Are you the owner of this nuisance helicopter?
The one which was pratting about over Romiley yesterday afternoon @ 4 p.m. and making one hell of a racket?

If you know who owns the machine, would you kindly boot them vigorously up the backside on behalf of the deafened citizens of a once peaceful small town?

Thank you.

rogue chopper

markerBosses of so-called meeja operations to face tough criminal sanctions for hosting Xtremist stuff? We'll believe that when we see it. Not holding our breff.

tick symbol FakeBuk has a plan to address all the scandals which have drowned it in cess. The honcho of the company, Mr. Sugarhill, is going to change the name.
   Problem solved @ a stroke.

marker Bets are being laid on which mainline dictionary will be the first to cancel the word 'woman' to avoid upsetting the trio of stroppy sods who are causing all the bother about the use of this word online.

markerParadox, Schmaradox
The universe is so large and it has been there for so long—why aren't there other civilizations beside ours and why haven't they been here to visit?
   Professor B. Cox is terribly worried about the Fermi Paradox. Needlessly.
1. Why should aliens come to our backwater?
2. How do we know they haven't been here, didn't think much of what they saw and went looking for somewhere more promising?
furthermore . . . It would be more relevant for Prof. Cox to worry about the Chinese wiping us out with hypersonic missles, or a better plague than the one they're currently trying out on us, and eliminating meaning in the galaxy forever that way. Assuming our disappearance would be any great loss.
reader comment“Maybe the Prof. needs to get a life.” Field Gasp

look leftSaudia has decided to achieve carbon zerosity by 2060 via aggressive production of oil & gas now and taking all the carbon dioxide produced out of the atmosphere later using yet to be invented carbon capture technology. Clearly, Arabs have a highly developed sense of humour and a similarly developed sense of the absurd when it comes to Green Bollocks Garbage.
reader comment“In other words, if they fail to deliver on their Green Bollocks Pledge, that's down to whoever's job it was to create the carbon capture tech; i.e. Boris; and bugger all to do with them? Sweet.” Snap Haunce

Far Queue symbolThe Talibandits are begging for donations of trainers as they believe the shoes of women should make no sound.
reader comment“If they can afford paint to obliterate images of women taking part in society, they don't need any help from us.” Joe K'hair

cross symbol Putin the Poisoner, like the honcho in China, will not be doing the CON-job BF in Glasgow to make sure that his underlings don't stage a palace coup whilst he's off the plot.
reader comment“Or hold some really riotous parties in his Black Seaside palace?” Merse I. Full

tick symbol A bus driver's story that he thought he was driving a single-decker when he tried to drive a double-decker under a low bridge is being considered by the Guinness Book of Records as the Stoopidest Xcuse of 2021.

eyesCalifornia, somewhere rich with coastline and access to both seawater that could be desalinated & wealthy customers, is suffering a water shortage due to an extended drought. Self-help off the agenda, then?

bullet The South Korean government is trying to ban Konglish as the yoof of the country is using a with-English blend that oldies can't understand and it's making them feel left out and suspicious of what is being said behind their backs. Or even in front of their faces.

Be Advised Putinstan & Nicaragua are believed to be in an intense arse-kicking contest over the bragging rights for which dictator invented locking up opposition politicians and fielding fake opposition parties in unmonitored and rigged elections.

Ad Attack Togs from Hats to PractiClogs™
Putting the 'fab' into fabrics
Romiley Endearing Garments, 23b Riverside Drive

cross symbol Schools are being told not to push dodgy Labour views on white privilege as Rule No. One of The Universe and give all other hues the illusion of an alibi for failure and a sense of entitlement as big as all outdoors, which will result in a rude awakening when kids hit the Buffers of Reality.

    WEEK 5      the Road to Delusion is Paved with Incrementals

Scribble McGibble“McHi There!”
Scribble McGibble, the event icon, welcomes freeloaders to Glasgow, Scotland's First City, for the CON-job BF do.
   BeanFeasters are warned not to talk football with or in the hearing of locals to avoid receiving a Glasgow Kiss [facial headbut treatment, Ed.] from an outrageous Rangers or Celtic supporter.
   "Your safety is our priority, bring a full wallet." is the message from the organizers.

marker Oh, dear! The pundits are worried that COP-out BF in Glasgow will turn out to be FLOP-in BF. Still, we can always blame it on Wee Burney if it's in her realm.

markerRe: the Chinese plague
Professor P. Thomas @ Bristol University has made a telling point—50,000 people per year used to die of flu up to the 1990s, pre-vaccination, but there were never government-imposed lock-ins to curb the spread of the virus.

Knee of Gracebullet One of Sarf Efrica's cricketers, wicketkeeper and best batsman Q. de Koch, has refused to be ordered onto his knees and delivered the Knee of Grace to his nation's cricket board by displaying some welcome backbone.
bulletDefence Sec. B. Wallace has revealed that the government knew that the Afghan army would collapse in front of the advancing Talibandits back in July, and thus then Foreign Sec. D. Raab going on holiday, for which he was much castigated by Those People, would make no difference at all.

markerFighting back
The government of Argentina is starting an International Munch Meat on Monday campaign to counter Warmist threats to the country's only money-making industry. The Warmist veggies want Meat-Free Mondays to save The Planet. But they would.

marker Just because most current methods of assisted dying are slow, painful & unreliable, that's no reason to suppose that something better & quicker cannot be substituted in the glorious future.

reader comment“The Rights Police need to let luvvies know that making personal comments about their deeds & their looks on the interweb is part of other people's 'uman bluddy right to communicate. And if they don't like it, tough. Nobody asks them to flaunt their defects.” Bro Ken

bullet The H2S railway disaster is on target for reaching an eventual price to the taxpayer of £200 BILLION and non-completion before @ least 2050.

first class stampreader comment“Do we have an urgent need to explore beyond the limits of our blue planet, as some would have us believe? Actually, no, 'coz if we found somewhere better, without the aid of a stargate almost no one would be able to get there and those left behind would end up even more miserable and mental elfish than they are right now.” Minha Madali

bullet Dictionary Donation: creche (n) posh traffic incident

markerFair to criminals only
Even judges are outraged by a secret plot by chief constables to make life easier for criminals by erasing their records from the police national databank before the 100th anniversary of the BG's birth.
   The plot is seen as another episode of the soft on crime culture introduced to police farces during the corrupt new labour era.

cross symbol The state of policing in the UK is now so dire that the Home Sec. is eyeing up top Aussie coppers in search of a replacement honco for the Metropolitan force so that she can bin the disaster area which is Dockson of Dick Green.

eyesRamjam Chowdry, the UK's most prolific hate preacher, is demanding more censorship of website content. He is feeling overshadowed by the competition and he wants the slope of the playing field readjusted in his favour.

reader comment“If paying £11K gets you a heat pump that barely takes the winter chill off your house, you'd be better off buying electric fires and blowing the cash—and the annual maintenance/insurance ransom—on overpriced green lekky.” Ritt Norf

Give Blood!

Halloween SpecDracula! @ Romiley Theme Park
Sunday 31st, 5 p.m. to 10 p.m., indoors if wet

All welcome — Dedicated family zone
T'will be a grand nite out!
B there or B somewhere else

marker600 quid to hear reformed fat lady Adahlia sing live?
U must B joking!

Grotter maskedFar Queue symbol + + + Greenhouse Grotter outraged + + + Not made No. 1 Guest of Honour @ CON-job BF + + + Totally bent out of shape at UK government's failure to recognize her importance as international Voice of Iggorance + + + Shame + + +

Far Queue symbol That bloody noisy helicopter was back, doing its low-flying over Romiley, on Friday. But BFN's consultant electronics boffin gave it a burst of radar-frequency EM to simulate a lock-on by a local air-defence missle system and the pilot buggered off sharpish.

Far Queue symbol Following all the flak about its negligent censorship practices, FakeBuk has changed its name to Feta to appeal to the cheese lobby.
reader comment“As if it's not cheesy enuff already.” Troy Angular

markerSpiking in clubs is now @ the same state of progress as the Chinese plague. No matter what story is made up about it, there will always be an Xpert ready, willing & able to back it up.

UK flagThe Foreign Sec., L. Truss, is telling us not to trust China. To which we reply: "We don't, we never have and we never will. Tell us something we don't kno, Lizzie."

reader comment“The House of Commons was empty on Budget Day because everyone had heard it all via leaks long before the Chancellor did his Wednesday gig? It would certainly Xplain why the Speaker was looking so grumpy.” Formy Kasid

cross symbol The Prevent Scheme has been Xposed as a hollow sham. The stooges running it are too scared of being called ray-sist to notice dangerous Islamists of foreign origin & non-white hue. Thus they are interested only in inventing white Narzis.

reader comment“If you're not allowed to notice that a teenage celeb wannabe can't perform and is a chubby little thing, what's left? Just a bald announcement that those present also included Miss Pushy with nothing to boost her ego? That would really drive her bonquers.” Gol Darn

cone markermarker Nutters who want to charge along pavements @ 72 mph on a souped-up electric scooter can do so as they are on sale here from online sources.

bulletQ: Hydrospinach—is there anything faster?
bulletA: Nothing in this part of the known universe.

Ad Attack Scared Bamboo—the no-trim shrub!
Hardy & a riot of colour in all seasons of the year

If it gets too big, just walk past it and it will shrink back
into the canes to the default height
Matrix Garden Centre, Prejudice Business Park, Higher Romiley

markerThumbs twiddled to exhaustion
The bods @ Cambridge U are so short of inspiration for things to do that they have had to resort to trawling through children's books of yesteryear in search of colonialism & other isms about which to confect alarm & despondency.
   They are polluting digital versions of the work of dead authors with their stoopid virtue flags. This is a crime against literature which would merit the death penalty in a society with a decent set of values.
first class stampreader comment“If reading these books is terminally damaging, as the wokebuggers want us to believe, we can assume that they were terminally damaged by reading them during their childhood (first or second), they are not capable of making rational choices and they can be safely ignored.” Bentine Comotion
reader comment“The poor old taxpayer is paying for all the crap @ Cantab. No surprise there.” Timo'fee Chalamee

markerSocialism in action
cone marker London's cosmetic mayor is making poor people even poorer by obliging them to pay to drive their old bangers into low-emissions zones when they need to make an essential journey for work, etc. This won't have any effect on air quality but it will hand the mayor more cash to blow on things of no value to his customers.

markerExistential Challenge
flood warningFurther proof that California is not a sensible place to live was provided by drought areas getting the benefit of a bomb cyclone this week.
   The deluge extinguished 17 major wilderness fires, which had defied human efforts, and as a bonus, it caused mudslides, flooding and severe erosion of hillsides left bare by wildfires.
   The high winds associated with the cyclone ruled out surfing for all but the suicidal but winter sports areas got a top-up of mountain snow.
reader comment“They call it God's Country because you need all the superhero powers of a god to survive there!” King Pin

CFL logoFriday Nite in the nation’s capital—no rain!!!
The second drive by the Redblacks produced a FG, the Stampeders replied with a longer one, 3-all after 10 minutes. Evans to Stafford in the last minute of Q1, TD, 3-10. Boom! The revved up Stamps replied in the 3rd minute of Q2, 10-all. Just a FG after that, 13-10 at the half.
   Q3 produced an exchange of FGs, then a TD for the Stamps in the final seconds, 23-13. They kicked a FG with 2 minutes to go, 26-13. The RBs went out on downs @ their 47 but got the ball right back from a fumble. Sack No. 5 for the Stamps, 3rd & gone for the Redblacks, cue the Stampeders in victory formation.

Halloween horror

marker Dictionary Donation: Green (n) someone who is lacking in experience and way out of their depth, a learner, a novice, a trainee.
   And we're letting people like that tell us what to do? Talk about the blind leading the blinq. [sic Ed.]

Far Queue symbol Which do we look at? All the green bollocks virtue flagging Sainsburys claims is going on in and around the stores or all the price rises and smaller pack sizes being unloaded on the customers?

Kreepy pantsmarkerJust skiving a bit?
There can't be much wrong with Sirk Reepy if he can make pointless moans about the Budget and the Chancellor not blowing nearly enuff zillions that we don't have.
   Unless it was a minion doing it while he skives off completely with a very mild dose of the Chinese plague. Or even a false positive from a test.
reader comment“He's probably skiving off work to work on his memoirs from when he was Dir. of Pub. Prostitutions & in charge of terrifying terrorists.” Ken Tucky
reader comment“If he was in charge, that certainly Xplainsl why we have so many bastard terrorists running around on the loose.” Sella Guerre
reader comment“We've got a Tory Chancellor who's quite casually tossing £150,000 MILLION of our money into a Brown Hole to get the inflation rate ramped up to 5% and the idiot Sirk Reepy picked to be his shadow is moaning it's not enuff. Shame we didn't get something constructive for all the taxpayers' dosh that's being shovelled into the idiot's pockets instead of routine blah. But then, we never do.” Inability Brown
reader comment“How very convenient that the Chief Sec. of the Treasury is claiming agoraphobia as his reason for not joining a Downing Street photo-group and towering 2 feet taller than Chancellor Snack. Full marks for imagination for whoever thought that one up!” Lan Sarmstrangle
reader comment“Chancellor Snack is being trolled by Those People for not mentioning the work 'pensioner' in his budgie speech. Other words not mentioned include Martian, Springbok, endogenous, paragramatic, teapot & Eskimo.” Ariana Th'rill

tick symbol This is what Romiley needs for an afternoon treat
Sunshine and a light shower creating a rainbow on Saturday afternoon, not some clown skimming our rooftops in a low-flying helicopter.


markerMake-work for the legal trade
When you get down to it, is there any point in holding inquiries like the ones into the Manchester Arena bombing, the Grenfell Tower fire, etc. We know that MI5 or the Metropolitan police or some other government agency will be ruled to have failed to do the job it's paid to do. And no one will get the sack.
furthermore . . . Is it worth pursuing the details rather than just declaring the failures to be total & systematic? There is no point in picking the nits in the hope that lessons will be learnt—as we know from long experience that they never will be.

CFL logoFriday Nite #2, the TiCats in Edmonton
Edmonton Antlers helmetSpeedy B had a huge kick off return cancelled by holding. The Antlers got a rouge from a punt, 0-1. Speedy B to the EA 12, on to a TD and 7-1. The Cats blew a challenge on BS DPI in their next drive but a TD for White from their next play, 14-1.
   The Ants managed a FG in Q2, one back at them with 4 minutes left, 17-4. A bomb pass TD to Acklin put the Cats 24-4 up with 2 minutes left, which included a punch-up with evictions and a FG for the Cats @ 00:00, 27-4.
   In Q3, the Ants kicked a FG and the Cats claimed 2 rouges from punts, 29-7. The Cats kicked a FG in Q4, the Ants managed a TD after 7 minutes, no +2, 32-13? A challenge by the Ants gave them another go, bash! 32-15. The Cats TD'd again, the Ants got to their 2, in for a TD on 3rd down, +2, 39-23 final.
   Postschmeason for the Green 'n' Yellow? Sadly, yes; they're tail-end Charlies in the West. The Cats, Als & Argos all have 6 wins in the East.

bulletToday's Movie Quote:
"What we have here is an inbreak of outsubordination."

markerClear field for private practice
The doctors' trade union has come up with a truly malevolent scheme to get GPs raking in cash whilst doing nothing to earn it. The union is ordering its members not to take on new customers. Which means that each GP's practice will shrink to nothing when all the current customers have died out or moved elsewhere.

bulletQ: If the Ministry of Defence reduces the British Army to a handful of desk jockeys zapping BGs with drones, who is going to bail out the NHS when it collapses, as it has in Wee Burneystan?
bulletA: Phucknose.

rain manBelow the line mission statement: Some of the above is true. BFN is recognized as a premiere class observational blog and a multiple winner of the OB of the Year award.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

back to toppage
Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium.
© RAL, October MM21 like anyone cares