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    WEEK 1 

Scottish flaghatmanAn MSP is campaigning to end private-sector building of new homes in Scotland. He is demanding that they be constructed to such tight energy efficiency standards that they will be unaffordable and not worth building in the first place.
   If he gets his way, only new council housing will be built as it doesn't matter to local authorities how much taxpayers' cash they blow.

Arfur Tree

Ad AttackIt’s back by popular demand!
Last year's prime Xample of an Xmas Wizardry Must-Have, the Arfur Tree, is still available!

Ad AttackCompletely reconditioned stock
   It's artificial, it's only 50% of the standard vehicle for Xmas decorations, which means that it can be parked right up against a wall, or suspended from a picture rail, as a space saver.
Ad Attack   And, of course, being just half a tree, it can be decorated in half the time.

Only from Romiley Frivolities, 82 Riverside Drive

bulletPub Quiz Question for the future:
How long did Sweden's first female prime monster last in the job?
Answer: 7 whole hours.
[Then her coalition collapsed. Ed.]

You have to be bloody desperate if you need to dig failed New Labour Foreign Sec. J. Straw out of his box to slag off President Boris' lack of faith in France's ability to show good faith over illegal immigrants.
   It gives 'any port in a storm' a bad name.

bulletThis Week's Buzz Word is Permaculture
Basically, it amounts to not exploiting the environment, which is what most people do anyway, without needing a word to describe it, if they are not nomads.

bulletQ: Does it matter if Sir Kreepy Steamer shuffles his deckchairs?
bulletA: Nope. Same old nadgers wearing different hats.

tonguebulletN. Fletcher, the MP for the Don Valley, has come up with an interesting theory. Young men are going bad because the only male role models on TV are the gangster Kray twins. Why? 'coz all the other lead characters are now wimmin in the name of diversity and the agenda of Those People.

Far Queue symbol The war-mongering T.B. Liar, the UK's sometime prime monster, has assured the nation that Labour will not get back into power in the near future. Why? 'Coz Mr. Liar reckons Sirk Reepy & Co. will have to bin woke wonkism, and that ain't gonna happen.

bulletQ: What was the French response to letting 27 migrants sail off to drown in the Channel?
bulletA: They arrested 4 blokes in great triumph as people smugglers. Then had to let them go because they aren't.

markerThe Rafiq Rule—Bin them all or none at all
If a former England cricket captain & Ashes winner is to be cancelled, then the same must apply to ray-sist Rafiq. Definitely no another rule because he's of Asian origin. One trashed out of a job on dodgy grounds, all gone the same way.
reader comment“Little John's wisdom shines through again. A presumption of guilt now thrives @ the BBC & BT Sport and the weakest of hearsay evidence is grounds for a firing squad. Not an attitude that will ensure the confidence of decent people.” Amash Falap

bulletAttention-Seeker of the Month:
MP S. Creasy, who tried to lumber her offspring into the Commons chamber in typical entitled fashion and expected everyone to coo instead of boooo!

Bombshell 84% of the members of the GPs' trade union have voted in favour of strike action to avoid face-to-face consultations with their customers. So that's the 'do no harm' oath well & truly out the window if they have missed 50,000 cases of cancer?

bulletThe Brass Neck of the Month Award . . .
. . . goes to the Archbish of Cantab, who moaned that TV series always portray members of the clergy as rogues or idiots, and reminded many of his customers that he can be charged with multiple offences on both counts.

OV soft toyAd Attack The MUST-HAVE Xmas novelty!
Different squeak from every spike colour

Rush import from Untied States
Get them while you can
The Omigod Virus soft toy
Romiley Gadgets, 3a Riverside Drive

eyes M. Apairateef, the Archybish of Paris, is reported to have offered his resignation to the Pope after indulging in 'ambiguous behaviour' with a female person. We can't wait for the TV series about that to be on NeatFlix.

marker Should criminals be trembling in their boots now that a military torturer from the UAE has been installed as the head of ICripPo, the alleged international criminal police organization?

ShockHorror Consuming veggie/vegan copies of meat products will give the customer sodium poisoning on account of their enormously high salt content.

markerSmuggling copies of a violent NeatFlix video series into North Korea is worth the death penalty there.

marker Does any bugger care that Wales is planning to be the first UK nation to pretend to have confected nett zero emissions? Thought not.

bullet "Don't panic," President Creaky Joe pronounced to the world about the new omikron variant of the Chinese plague.
So everyone does.
bulletQ: Why is the new confection called omikron if the WHO had reached mu in the Greek alphabet for types which appeared then fizzled out?
bulletA: The official explanation is that nu, the next letter, sounds too much like 'new' and the clotheared public wouldn't get it, and Xi is a common name among people of Asian origin. Hence the skip to omikron.
reader comment“How dare you take my name in vain, you bastards.” Fred Omikron

baseball hat There was a report on the TV news which sounded like an announcement that Sirk Reepy has shuffled his shallow cabinet. Which sounds about right, if he's got Mrs. Balls-Cooper in it.

French flagWorth a try
One of President MacRon's leading rivals for the French presidency has done a Mitterand to try to hoover up left-wing votes.
   He got a minion pregnant and then he tried, and failed, to stop a gossip magazine from splashing his story all over the place to make him look a bit more interesting to the customers.

volcano How is the Spanish island La Palma going to zero away all the greenhouse gases and toxic smog belching out of its volcano?
   If everyone else has to pretend to have zero virtue, they should be obliged to, even at the threat of sanctions and a boycott of tourism.

markerHavoc by design
Stockport council has been accused of trying to kill its customers by building planters into roads to stop rat-runners—but without telling the emergency services where these hazards to navigation are.
   As a consequence, ambulances are having to do a U-turn and find an alternative route when confronted by one of the pairs of virtue barricades, extending the call-out time unnecessarily.
   All of which leaves council taxpayers liable to be clobbered with the legal & compenbloodysation costs when someone croaks or is badly damaged.
[Editorial decision, leave the typo in place as conpenbloodysation is even more descriptive of what it amounts to. Ed.]
Far Queue symbol Our local council is pursuing its policy despite similar problems being encountered in London at the beginning of the year. Either local authorities don't talk or they don't listen.

skull 2tick symbol Eating breakfast at 6-7 a.m. is the recipe for a long life, the Xperts would have us believe. And if you have your first meal of the day at 10 a.m., you're doomed.
   Some 20% of UK residents don't have anything until lunchtime, which means they are going to get diabetes & heart disease, and become o'bese. Ain't life wonderful!

Far Queue symbol Trivial Democraps on Dorset council are claiming that blighting the landscape with acres of solar panels will save The Planet from gorbal warmage. Which has to have a Dickheadedness Index of over 1,000,000.

marker’Tis the Season of the Pillock, trala-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la
Pettifoggers everywhere are using the new variant of the Chinese plague as an Xcuse for cancelling all sorts of Xmas events as part of their anti-Christian agenda. Shame no one told them that a virus Xists only to go forth & multiply excessively, and killing or crippling the host does damage to that agenda, And omigod seems to be v. transmissible but mild.
update Mildness is the official conclusion of the World Health Organization, which was reached in about 10 minutes instead of the couple of weeks which they were talking about.

markerDoshan Dooshanks, or what!
Wonks in Paris are attempted to turn the fire-ravaged & rebuilt interior of Notre Dame Cathedral into a Disneyland-style Christian theme park with slogans in all languages and a 'discovery trail' as a main feature.

markerNo Mickey left anywhere in the known universe
The Xperts have really taken the piss out of President Boris' plan to link Scotland and Northern Ireland. They have inflated the cost of a road bridge to a truly ludicrous £350,000,000,000. And a tunnel to an equally ludicrous £210,000,000,000.
   Add on a build time of 30 years, plus 60 years for a pretence @ carbon neutrality, to increase the ludicrosity of the divergence from the original estimate of £20 BILLION for the project.
reader comment“We always knew The Blob is the home of Xperts in wasting time & money, but this effort has to be in a class of its own.” Bash Talverize

Far Queue symbol The Gov. of the Bonk of England is using the omigod version of the Chinese plague as his latest Xcuse for doing nothing about inflation.

markerSirk Reepy has done a lot to cheer up political commentators by appointing the notorious nitwit D. 'Lightbulb' Lammy as his shallow Foreign Sec.

bulletThe Mystery of the Year!
Why a murder is particularly shocking & appalling if the accused was wearing M&S pyjamas @ the time of the alleged crime. Allegedly.

markerCough it up, no need to look cheerful
The rest of the world, thanks to the CON-job BeanFeast, is going to have to give £1,500,000,000 to China & India, the countries causing gorbal warmage, to help them adapt to the changes they are causing.
   38 of those millions will have to come from the UK. And this is supposed to make sense?

Kreepy pantsLabour is suffering a desperate shortage of shrouds to wave. Existing ones are hanging in tatters from over-use but Sirk Reepy & Co. need something to wave as they do wails & gnashing of teef whilst they demand a total locko in response to the omigod version of the Chinese plague. All this is before its threat level has been properly assessed, of course.

tongueFar Queue symbol The efforts of Sirk Reepy & Co. to ruin the British economy are assisted greatly by the commies who have infiltrated SAGE, the government's Stoopid And Gittish Executive, whilst posing as scientists rather than the political agitators, which they are in real life.
[With the emphasis on the 'git', Ed.]

marker Did anyone notice that Barbados became a republic @ midnight on November 29th and another of China's bought & paid for client states? No? Surprise!
   Of course, no one asked the customers in case they turned the idea down, as has happened elsewhere. And there will be no new constitution even though one was promised.
   It will just be business as usual for the people in charge of the one-party state of Barbadostan.
reader comment“Or even Barbong Kong?” Lew Dikrus

baseball hatLondon's cosmetic mayor, Sadgeek Khan't, is well on the way to presiding over double the rate of transport strikes in London compared to the Boris years. Part of Mr. Khan't's election manifesto was a pledge to put a stop to strikes. But maybe he had his fingers crossed when he said it.

marker The Chinese plague is being blamed for local councils letting Britain's roads fall into an even more disastrous state of repair & achieving world record levels of pothole-related damage to vehicles.

bulletEnglish Vocabulary Xplained: conjunction—not a proper junction, a swindle.
see also 'consequence', fake chain of events

eyesSparkling sake is being touted as THE alternative to Champagne for Xmas.
   And what about all the damage to The Planet, dearie, from toting it half way round The Planet? Have you no conscience?

bulletThis Year’s Ultimate Alibi:
Claiming you're not skiving, you're taking a break for the sake of your mental 'elf.

marker75% of people with heart failure are not getting an early diagnosis because GPs are not giving them a simple blood test, Xperts @ Oxford University reckon. Sounds like an urgent education programme is overdue.

markerHey, hey, Macrony—Ugly French throw Major Wobbly
French flag Are the French serious about stopping people trafficking in their country? Not if they can claim that poor people from all over the world are rushing to post-Brexit Britain to become modern slaves because the UK is too attractive and no one wants to stay in their dump of a country.
   Which explains why MacRon's main rival for the presidency is telling the customers that France is broken beyond repair and mired in corruption, and it needs him to rebuild the place from the ground up.
[If he doesn't get the job, maybe he can come here and do something about the criminal waste of taxpayers' cash which is the administration of the NHS. Ed.]
reader comment“Why don't the buggers got their fishermen to blockade the people traffickers and do something useful for a change.” R.U. Snoring
reader comment“That 'doing something useful' has to be the sticking point.” Levi Tation

Omigod BuzzAd Attack A triumph of pulsed gravity propulsion!
The Omigod Buffeting Drone/Flyer

Annoy your friends, parents, siblings
Secure channel remote control supplied
Ad Attack All impacts harmless—guaranteed
Rush import from Untied States
Robust soft-toy construction, pet-safe
Romiley Gadgets, 3a Riverside Drive

markerLeaving reality far behind
Some Xperts reckon the omigod variant of the Chinese plague could be a flash in the pan. Sirk Reepy will be hugely disappointed if it isn't a major killer and he was right about locking down the whole country and the government was wrong. Politics, eh?
updateSomething to really upset Sirk Reepy, the BBC and trade union leaders—an Xpert has dared to suggest that the latest incarnation of the Chinese plague is an indication that it is learning some sense and that not killing the customers or incapacitating them too much is the best way forward.

baseball hatTrivial Democrap leader e. davey appears to have become mired in corruption & sleaze of the sort he is always accusing the Tories of wallowing in. So they are all the same, the inmates of the House of Common Criminals? A triumph of diversity? Or levelling up?

eyesThe Swedish parliament has given the job of prime monster back to the woman whose coalition lasted just 7 hours earlier in the week. Bets are now being laid on how long she will last this time as head of a minority government.

Be AdvisedThe hunt is on for whoever it was who parked a plastic rain cover on a £100 million stealth jet so that it was sucked into the engine, causing the aircraft to nose dive into the Mediterranean instead of taking off from the antiaircraft carrier HMS Queen Elizabeth.

ShockHorrorThe boss of MI6 is worried that the world has so much data sloshing around that any tinpot crackpot will be able to do major damage by blocking or corrupting part of it. No solution appears to be on offer.

bulletQ: How did Sirk Reepy reduce the uselessness of his shallow cabinet of fellow Bremoaners at a stroke?
bulletA: By reducing the total number of stooges in it.
reader comment“Calling Sirk Reepy a big girl's blouse is a gross exaggeration. He is deferably nothing more than a little girl's blouse.” Five P'tanq

burglarbulletQ: How do you avoid going to gaol as a repeat offender?
bulletA: Tell the judge your previous spell inside gave you mental 'elf problems and it will get you a suspended sentence if the judge is gullible enough.
[But not by the neck. Ed.]

Kerching!The Pfizer boss wants kids down to the age of 5 to be vaccinated against the Chinese plague @ £18 a pop. Plus another 15 quid out of the taxpayer's pocket if a GP gets the job.

bulletNext Year's Necessary Slogan—Important only if true.

reader comment“You know why the WHO skipped Xi in the Greek alphabet and went on to Omikron, don't you? Which organization is in the hip pocket of a regime with a leader called Xi Jimping? Q.E.D.” I.M. Plode

bulletQ: What's a good way for Prince Andrew to annoy the Daily Wail?
bulletA: Put on a smile for their photographers. It bugs the hell out of the Wail to see him looking cheerful despite their best efforts to make him miserable.

Former US President D. Trump has begun what looks like the rehabilitation of Prince Hairy. H. is being positioned as a useful idiot and all the blame for the Sussex fake news campaign against the Royal Family is being off-loaded onto Mhegan the Merciless.

markerThe Woking of Wonk
A campaign set up 16 years ago to get more female lecturers into universities has been sabotaged by blokes who have decided that they are women.
   Experience has shown that blokes have no chance of getting certain plum jobs on quota grounds. But if they claim to be a woman, they have a much better chance of blagging the job than an actual female person.
   The shambles is being blamed on the people with the job of running universities not being competent to do spot when someone is extracting the urine and out-sourcing the task to people in the private sector who also don't have a clue.

tick symbolThe National Beancounter Office is well on target for boosting the NHS waiting list to 20% of the UK population by 2025.

markerMore taxpayers’ cash down the drain
An attempt by Sheffield council to rename streets with confected slavery links and remove monuments ditto has been grotted upon from a great height by the customers, who delivered a resounding 'no way'. Shame the council never thought of doing anything useful with the money wasted on the confection exercise.

markerTotal Surrender
The BBC has given up on Xmas again this year. Everyone working there has a day off apart from the handful of engineers, who will ensure that last year's Xmas Day fare is sent out again to a nation watching NeatFlix or crap films on the digital channels.

markerDoomBuggers to cancel
1. Health Minister G. Keegan, default setting for the plague—panic.
2. UK Health Security Agency honcho J. Harries, default ditto.

ShockHorror Chugging e-ciggies causes reptile dysfunction. The probability of an incidence of failure to achieve is 240% of that experienced by a non-smoker.

marker Abolishing paper tax discs for vehicles has resulted in a drop in revenue of £120 MILLION due to evasion of the tax. No civil servants are to be sacked because of this crime against the nation.

Be Advised If you purchase a new-build house with less than 159 defects, major & minor, you are bloody lucky. Such is the cowboy attitude of major construction firms.

markerBS about the impact of something quite trivial is the new normal.
Which explains the doomBuggers' attitude to the omigod virus vector.

markerJust being logical, of course
An inquiry has found that the Metropolitan Police were to blame for unruly behaviour @ the Euro 2020 football final. Blank looks from most people as it wasn't all that memorable.
reader comment“If the police caused all the trouble @ the final, the solution is obvious. don't let coppers go to football matches.”
reader comment“Thanks very much for reminding us how Saint Rashford and all the other penalty missers did us out of a major football championship.”

CFL logoEastern Final: the Cats in T’ronno
Nice day for it. The Home team scored first with a FG and the Argos had to settle for another with 2 minutes left in Q1, 0-6. The Cats fumbled the ball away a minute into Q2, nowt from it. A long FG in the 9th minute put the Argos 0-9 ahead.
   The Argos used a challenge but didn't get DPI in the Hamilton goal in the 14th minute and had to kick a FG for 0-12. The Cats were close to FG range when they fumbled the ball away. The Argo defender rushed down the sideline but he didn't have much of a grip on the ball and Evans was able to snatch it off him and prevent another Argonaut score!!
   Sacking & punting in Q3 and it started to snow. White returned a TA punt for a TD, the PAT missed, 6-12 in the 6th minute. The Cats got a 1st down from a fake FG play, Evans to Acklin for a TD on the next play, no +2, 12-all. A big pass play by the Argos set up a FG from the TC 34, missed for 1, 12-13. Then more sacking into Q4.
   Evans went in for a TD from the TA 1 after 4 minutes and the Cats got +2, 20-13. The Argos punted but the Cats were offside and the Argos kept going to a 3rd & 1, didn't make it but the stooopid Cats were offside again. A bad snap forced the Argos to kick a FG, 20-16. The TigerCats reached the TA 1 @ the 3 minute warning. Evans in for another TD, 27-16.
   Lotz of time left. Bethel-Thompson was picked in the TC goal? No, the ball was juggled, another FG, 27-19 with 1:10 left. The Cats made a 3rd & 1 and that was enuff to let them eat the rest of the clock and go home to get ready to play the Grey Cup in Hamilton.

UK flag If greenhouse gas production is the problem, WE are not causing it.
So keep your hands out of our pockets, rest of the world.
postage stampreader comment“And as far as penalties for historical emissions goes—The Planet was doing okay when we were developing our civilization. The problems didn't start until less civilized nations nearer the equator started demanding mobile phones & internet access, lotz of gunz 'n' bulletz 'n' bombz to wipe one another out, and wrecking their own environment whilst expecting more civilized nations to repair it. So dos dedos to everyone with their hand out. You're the ones causing any problems, not us.” Rosper Rouge

first class stampreader comment“There's no git like a miserable one. Such as the person who wrote to Scotland's favourite newspaper complaining that he/she/it had been raging all week over Boris' gang having an Xmas do last bloody year. Calm down, dearie, or you'll blow a fuse. Come to think of it, you probably have.” Amasha Falap

Be AdvisedEntering the UK illegally is the equivalent of marching into someone's house, announcing you have decided to live there and demanding to know what's for tea.
   Those who do it should be treated accordingly.
Note: Michael's Law, passed in 1982 when a Mr. Fagin visited the Queen in her bedroom, makes trespass in all private homes a criminal offence. But we will be kind to the offenders by letting them serve their sentence in their country of origin.

mental elfThe mental 'elf industry in Scotland has gone over the top and over the nearest Munro with its assessment that 94% of the kids there are more worried & stressed now than they were before the Chinese plague came among us. Cue a major recruitment drive and a monumental drain on the public purse to address the problem.

markerThey’re all at it
Women are being displaced all over the shop by blokes pretending to be female. Now, little people are finding that tall actors are doing the same to them and blagging traditional dwarf roles in pantomimes.

Kreepy pantsreader comment“Sirk Reepy's gang is in real trouble if the best whinge they can come up with is about an Xmas party that was held in Downing Street last year.” Evape Aron

Sirk Reepy, the 'unconscionable bore' and 'chateau-bottled yawn' is, of course, for 'dribbling on irrelevantly' and against anyone having any fun. As also, it appears, is I. Blackford, the SNP bloke they love to groan at in the House.

cross symbolSuspicion is growing that Pres. MacRon's minions have been in discussions with the IRA with a view to stirring up trouble in Northern Ireland so that Macron can step in as a mediator, make it all go away and make himself look like a tin god.

Wee Burney SturgeonNot paying attention again
Another crime added to Wee Burney's charge sheet—she was far too slow in getting the Army involved in checking up on the welfare of people on the fringes of Scotland who were left without power, water, phone, the internet and information by Storm Arwen.
   A routine "It wisnae me," is expected in due course.

hatman Ofgem, the power regulator, is being urged to kick power companies which offered promises of when the power would be back on again and kept breaking them because their minions had no idea what was going on; mainly because there were too few of them on the job of keeping track of the progress of repairs.
   In these circumstances, misinformation can be as bad as deliberate disinformation.

baseball hat + + + MacRon calls Pres. Boris a clown, shock-horror + + + No denial from Downing Street that PM called MacRon something else beginning with 'c' but one letter shorter + + + MacRon playing victim card so often that new supply had to be air-lifted from manufacturer in China + + +

CFL logoWestern Final: the Roughriders in Winnipeg
The bloke in the snowdozer didn't do a bad job of the pitch. A penalty on the Riders kept the Blue Bomber opener going, pick in the SK goal on the next play. Nothing from it. But a fumble by the BB was returned to their 17 and set up a TD for Powell, 7-0 in the 5th minute. One back for the Bombers in the 12th minute, 7-all.
   Collards was picked off again in the 1st minute of Q2, a big gain from DPI but just a FG for the RR, 10-7. Purifoy caused another BB fumble at the end of the half, no time to do anything with it.
   The flags were flapping vigorously in Q3. The Riders were stopped by a forced fumble. The BB went 2 & fake FG and out. The Riders missed a FG for nowt. The BB came back at them with a TD for Harris in the 14th minute, 10-14. An endless YAC sprint by Williams for a TD closed the quarter at 17-14.
   A speedy reply by the BB? Well, a TD after 6 minutes, 17-21. The Riders survived a fumble shambles during a punt return but had to punt themselves. After the 3 minute warning, Powell made a 3rd & 2 & more but the Riders were stopped on another 3rd down. The Blue Bombers are going to Hamilton for the grand final.

bullet The NHS is to blow £3 MILLION on bribing fatties in Wolverhampton to move about more. If they do, they cop for cinema tickets and shopping discounts paid for by the taxpayer.

markerConfecter’s Corner
The Chinese plague is getting the blame for a surge in house prices caused by people wanting to up-size to have more indoor space to Shirk in a Home Office and more outdoor space for private recreation.

omegaPeople who don't get Greek don't know how to pronounce the name of the latest incarnation of the Chinese plague.
   The relevant letter is small 'o' or omikron, pronounced oh-my-kron. As opposed to big O at the end of the Greek alphabet, which is omega, pronounced oh-mega. The BBC is being mocked mercilessly for getting it hopelessly wrong.
reader comment“What's the Beeb's Xcuse for getting the pronunciation wrong? Endemic stoopidity? Too entitled to think anyone would dare to correct or contest a former national treasure? Or just too bloody lazy to make the effort to get it right?” Morceau D'Oiseau
omegareader comment“O-mega certainly Xplains the shape of the last character of the Greek alphabet. It is clearly a very large 'O' which has grown enormously o'bese and burst down at the bottom!” Maxwell Mudhole

delta iota muAll the science which offends wonks is being cancelled from the Science Museum in London.
   Bets are now being laid on when the name of the museum will also have to be cancelled on Trade Descriptions Act grounds.

markerInteresting Concept
Nelson Mandela is to be cancelled because, despite being a much-loved communist terrorist, he was given the name of a cancelled British Admiral. New normal social justice demands that this has to happen.

reader comment“How can having to spend 2 days in bed with a high fever be described as 'mild' symptoms from getting a dose of the omigod variation of the Chinese plague? Who's going to feed the cat and let her in and out if you're incapable thanks to Chairman Xi?” Cleese Palin

markerNo, we didn’t make this one up
Some counties are accurately named. Take Berkshire, for instance. The berks on the council of Wokingham decided to put double yellow lines on a road but didn't tell the residents who parked there.
   The berkish contractors lifted cars up so that they could paint lines under them and half an hour later, the berkish traffic warden for the area was putting tickets on all the suddenly illegally parked vehicles.

markerSocial Dilemma
Protect the NHS—don't treat the customers and let them croak at home.
Protect Your Life—make a nuisance of yourself and insist on treatment.
Which shall it be, Passworthy?

eyes No doubt Xtreme weather caused by gorbal warmage is getting the blame for the volcano on Java erupting again only a year or so after it last popped off.
   Now that scientific science has been new normally cancelled.

    WEEK 2 

reader comment“How many migrants has a) the Pope, b) Mrs. Balls-Cooper offered a spare room to?” Vaughn Mayhowser

Really Bloody Daft IdeaThe confectors have failed to link a hack on the RNLI website to an organization which has urged protests against lifeboats being used to taxi immigrants to the UK. But the efforts are on-going.

Scittish flagbulletQ: Is anyone surprised that the Scottish Prison Service has been accused of a culture of concealment over deaths in custody?
bulletA: Nope. This is what the public sector does—denies responsibility for everything and continues on its merry way untroubled.
bulletQ: Lessons not learned?
bulletA: Questions not asked in the usual run of events, and when they are, no notice taken of the answers if inconvenient.

reader comment“If the only ‘crisis' at Downing Street is about a jokey video made by the staff a year ago, then we have bugger all to worry about, which is great.” Souper Kuff

marker The Chancellor is longing to cut income tax, or so he sez, and maybe also VAT. But he can't lift a finger until President Boris is thinking about calling a general election. Such is his alibi.

reader comment“There's nothing that pushes the synthetic outrage button harder than the mere thought that someone else might have enjoyed themself. Especially the stuffed shirt currently in charge of the Labour party, Sirk Reepy.” Eric Python

bulletQ: If Storm Arwen was a national emergency for Wee Burneystan, and it is inexcusable that it wasn't treated like one from the very start, will Wee Bee resign on a wave of shame?
bulletA: Joke! She's a politician, so nothing is ever her fault.

tongueFar Queue symbol 57 Heinz is hoping to be included in the Guinness Book of Records—in the Most Revolting Concoctions Imaginable section—for its chocolate orange mayonnaise.
[If not there, maybe in the Stoopidest Concoctions section? Ed.]

bulletQ: What is the altitude of a knucklehead?
bulletA: President MacRon is 5' 3½" tall.

reader comment“Is there a committee that gives new drugs such stoopid names? Xevudy? 'I'll have an armful of Ex-ee-vudy, please.' They'd be better off just giving it something similar to a postcode.” Eight Votem

underpantsFar Queue symbol The notorious Captain Underpants, MP, seems to be leading the charge toward making the Commons a haven for wonkosity with no options permitted which do not conform to the Woke Watchlist and the anti-Tory agenda of Labour & the SNP.
reader comment“Shame he didn't get much of an audience for his big moment in the Chamber if his lecture on the subject was of such vital importance. The benches were a veritable sea of unoccupied green.” Xeven Arion

Wot the bluddy hell is the point of fining the Cabinet Office half a million quid? Taxpayers' dosh being shoved from one government pocket to another by pointless civil servants, no one sacked, complete waste of time and our money.

bullet Senator Bob Dole, sometime US presidential hopeful and inventor of the dole queue, has died at the grand old age of 98.

Far Queue symbol The Appeal Court has done its own credibility no favours by supporting the idea of conviction without a trial & examination of the evidence if the complainant has an ego the size of the planet Jupiter.
update A change in the law is now thought to be necessary in government circles to protect freedom of speech from judges who seek to limit it for the convenience of the unworthy in order to let them cover up their crimes against the decent people in the world.

bulletQ: How long does it take for the wheels to come off a black American actor and mate of the O'Bummers confecting an assault by Trump supporters (actually, a couple of his mates joining in the scam) for his own personal advantage and tankerloads of sympathy from wonks when he plays his Poor Little Stinker card?
bulletA: Three years.

baseball hatSirk Reepy is costing the Labour party trade union cash. They want to blow their members' dosh on raving looney lefties, not bland lawyers who couldn't come up with an Xtreme view even if their life depended on it.

reader comment“You have to wonder about the sanity of a prosecutor who tells a court that G. Maxwell, daughter of the late Captain Bob, drinks Maxwell House instant coffee and Xpects that to be taken as a condemnation.” Sheridan Stinth

baseball hat The new de facto boss of the Beeb, Rajah Amyl, is doing a grand job of confirming the conventional wisdom that if you are not white, you don't have to do impartiality and giving a sucker an even break.
reader comment“Diamond stuck on his left ear (not right) to prove he's a diamond geezer.” Monty Idle

Louie Sam Miltonreader comment“That must have been some bet Louie Sam Milton lost to have to have his hair wormed like that!” Xeven Marbles
reader comment“Looks like he's being attacked by some alien spider monster!” Greeby Harry

marker Haven't got time to do any praying? Just dab a finger on the crApp on your pocket phone. Job done! Works for all religions.

bulletOxford Exam Question: "Is this a question?"
A: "This is a pronoun, even when it is a stick-up."

There are suspicions that the Labour mouthpiece who announced that the result of the Bexley by-election (Cons. hold) showed that Sirk Reepy would win a majority of 121 in a general election had received a faceful of botox to avoid inconvenient grimaces.
   Sirk Reepy's failure to show his face in Bexley during the campaign confirmed that he does know he has no chance of winning against President Boris.

Ad Attack Inadequate? Can't get organized?
You need Nigella, our talking tin can!

She will tell you what to do and when to do it
throughout your entire day
Romiley Gadgets, 3a Riverside Drive

armmarkerWell, he did try!
An Italian health worker has been sacked for trying to obtain a compulsory vaccination certificate fraudulently.
   He tried to fool a nurse into injecting a fake silicone plastic arm, she got suspicious and he was rumbled when his arms were counted and he was found to have three of them.

Truth bites back
The nation's sometime number one boo-hoo bugger, former cricketer and outed ray-sist A. Rafiq, has been bitching about the lack of support he got from the Professional Cricketers' Association.
   This is the same PCA which coughed up thousands of pounds to settle the debts from his inept gambling.
   Halo not so much dented as bashed to very small bitz.
meanwhileYorkshire Cricket Club is about to sack most of the staff and go into a HUGE Brown Hole to fund their severance pay.

bulletThe prosecution of the G. Maxwell case has attempted to sleaze the Pope by showing a picture of him fraternizing with Ms Maxwell and the late J. Epstein. No depth left unplumbed?

cross symbol An MP who is being expelled for expenses fraud is allowed to keep the loot she bought courtesy of the taxpayer.
   There really is a separate set of rules for Those People.

markerThe American owner of Boots the Chemist is ready to boot the business into touch. Anyone with £10,000,000,000 to spare can snap it up.

marker China is buying up the Commonwealth by giving peripheral countries massive 'loans' which they have no hope of repaying and claiming everything bought with them.
   New Zealand's looney left government is thought to be thinking seriously of joining in.

marker People who get a thrill out of going abroad, pretending to be hunters and shooting wild animals from a safe ambush position will not be able to bring their kills, or bitz of them, back to the UK. The government is working on a ban.

reader comment“'The Law Commission to put a stop to cat-calling women', I read. Good! It's about time someone put the kybosh on these people. Especially the ones who are obviously blokes in drag.” Ed Serious

WTFHThe Cambridge U. student newspaper Varsity is becoming o'bese thanks to all the wonk trigger warnings, which have to be included before every article so that special interest groups can find more easily something about which to confect outrage.

rageSneaky tactic
French President Emannuelle Mikron is reported to be indulging in deliberate sleep deprivation so that he remains in a permanent bad mood and he is better able to yell something intemperate when presented with a problem situation or a problem person such as President Boris.

reader comment“Ektually, omi-cron is the English pronunciation of the Greek word, and it is as correct in our context as not using the French pronunciation for Paris.” A. Reader
reader comment“Spelling the word with a 'c' instead of a 'k' is a bit of a clue that it's the Englisch version.” A. Ditto

markerSauce for the Bear is sauce for the Frog?
With all this talk of Russian revanchism flying around as Putinstan tries to reclaim former bitz of the Soviet empire, could it be that Microscopic Makron is looking our way with something similar in mind?
   Does he see himself as the heir to William the Corncurer and the man to reclaim lost territories across the Channel? Something which will raise him above N. Bonaparte, who never managed it, in the empire-builder rankings.

bulletQ: How crap is e.on next?

  1. Customer gets letter complaining he hasn't made a meter-swap appointment like what he's supposed to
  2. Letter arrives on day of meter-swap organized by customer
  3. No bugger turns up with new meters
  4. Eventually, customer gets phone call to say e.on has cancelled his appointment, so hard bloody luck

bulletA: That crap.

Labour spokesrobotreader comment“Everyone who wants to be a victim and pretend there was a huge Xmas party @ Downing Street last year, especially Sirk Reepy, needs a vigorous slap round the back of the head every 10 minutes until they make an effort to get a life. Especially Sirk Reepy.” Procla Mation
[It could well be that Sirk Reepy was worried about something like this when he commissioned his new AI virtual spokesperson. (right) Ed.]
reader comment“Looks more like a Spocksperson with them ears and that hair-do.” Captain Closer

bulletQ: Will the Prime Monster resign over a joke video made about a fictional party?
bulletA: Oh, sure. And he'll even hand the keys to 10 Downing Street to Sir Kreepy on his knees with a suitably grovelling apology.

Kreepy pantsreader comment“About all this phoney crisis has proved is that Sirk Reepy doesn't realize how big a twat he makes of himself with his phoney outrage.” Eleven Iral
reader comment“It probably takes his mind off having a disgruntled deputy, Ms Raygun, sniping @ him when he tries to downsize her job.” Climbing Yards
reader comment“Nothing like a bit of larking about in the Festering Season to bring out the mob who want everyone to be miserable all the time, just like them.” M. Stron

crashed carbulletQ: Will Mad Max do a Schumacher Manoeuvre tomorrow and run Louie Sam Milton off the track in Abu Dhabi 'by accident'?
bulletA: It sounds like he's crazy enough to try it and expect to get away with it.

marker 90% of plague customers in hospitals have not been vaccinated, according to the latest numbers from the NHS gang of beancounters.
reader comment“Maybe they should be encouraged to take responsibility for their choice by paying a voluntary board & lodging charge to demonstrate that they are still good people, if misguided.” M. Urgency

markerAimless In Academia
If you're not much good at originality as an academic in the Untied States, you can always join in with a major growth industry. Trawling Shakespeare's works, in particular, for scenarios which can be labelled 'problematic' and 'potentially triggering' is the new normal there.
   One big problem. Things are now so bad that it takes a fair degree of imagination to confect alarm from something upon which other wonks have not yet pounced.

NOPEPrincess Fergiana is seeking to recover her position as the most persecuted woman in royal history from the upstart & usurper Mhegan the Merciless. Good luck with that.

cone markerbulletQ: Why was our exit from Afghanistan a shambles?
bulletA: Because the wonks @ the F.O. were skiving at home and pretending to be mental elves instead of doing the job they are overpaid to do. This is because the Foreign Office is crap and always has been.
   It exists only to make excuses for badly behaved foreigners, not for the benefit of taxpaying British citizens and their allies. That applies whether the government is Conservative or Labour, and there is a wealth of evidence to support this conclusion.

postage stampreader comment“It seems rather strange that the US and the UK—both non-Moslem countries—are doing a diplomatic boycott of the Chinese winter Olympics over persecution of a Moslem minority in China when the whole of the Moslem Middle East isn't.
   “The only conclusion to draw from this state of affairs is that the leaders in the Middle East are not bothered about the 'uman rights of their fellow Moslems elsewhere because the ones in their realms don't have any, and the Arab regimes don't want them to.” Punk Ration

markerIf Mr. J.B. Zos is looking a bit sick, it's because the EFU member Italy has clobbered Amazon with a €1.1 BILLION fine for abusing its market dominance.
[None of the cash will got to the swindled customers, of course. Fraudsters will get their 12%, as usual. Ed.]

French flagSomeone else who's going to be looking sicker is President Mikron of France. He's given voters in rural areas hi-speed internet and new roads, but what is he getting in return? Better organized protests thanks to speedier communications and more tractors and other farm vehicles on the streets of cities now that access is better.
   Some people just can't win. But then, some people don't deserve to.
furthermore . . .Just a thought, but is letting the public have a say in the redesign of the fire-ravaged Notre Dame cathedral in Paris a good idea? The French capital is liable to end up with something along the lines of Cathedrally McCathedralface if it's not careful.

snowflakemarkerBe careful what you wish for . . .
Despite alleged gorbal warming, Austria is enjoying more snow than it has had for a decade. And the winter sports industry is complaining because customers are finding it almost impossible to reach some of the prime ski resorts because the roads to them can't be cleared and seilbahns are too dangerous to use.

legal wigEvery day, a new & bigger bigot
The Law Commission is @ it again—trying to unload onto an unwilling population hate crime laws which amount to state fascism & a licence for judges to invent repressive 'law' which has had no endorsement from Parliament.
Kerching! The LC seems to be in favour of bugging all private homes so that they can be monitored for fine-worthy comments. Fines may also be levied on (dinner) party hosts or hosts of family gatherings who failed to report their offending guest—and also on other guests, who failed to report the offender.
reader comment“Is there any point to reporting fellow dinner party guests to the police for taking illegal drugs, as the policing minister wants? It will just be another file & forget job for the nation's largely inactive police forces.” Brew Slee

first class stampreader comment“Are the opinions of actors worth anything? Not if they come from the likes of sometime Dr. Who candidate D. Tennant. He has fired an intemperate, virtue-flagging outburst @ the character of P. Fogg, presenting him as an unwoke example of everything that's wrong with the Britisch Empire, which he wonkly appears to hate. Did no one tell this actor person that the round-the-world adventurer was created by the French author J. Verne in the 19th century? And he's nothing to do with actual Britisch history? But hey, Tennant is an actor, not a rocket surgeon.” Jerq McGurk

bulletQ: How much does a 30p PCR test really cost?
bulletA: 30p for the self-swabbing equipment PLUS £59-£132 as a 'procedure fee' for doing a test on it and reporting the result.

right eyeJBYM There are a lot of selfish, miserable bastards around, who insist that everyone else has to be miserable just like them. And any old excuse will do, including an imaginary Xmas party not held last year.
   Maybe we ought to encourage them to emigrate. Tell them they'll find lotz more to be unhappy about in China, Iran, Putinstan, Afghanistan, Yemen . . . in fact, they could go on a world tour of Misery Destinations. And give us a much-needed rest from their whinges.
   It bears repeating: Just Because You're Miserable, that's no reason why anyone else should be. Or, indeed, everyone else.

reader comment“Re: 'How crap is e.on next?' I had a nag letter from the NHS claiming I was putting the entire nation at risk by not booking a plague booster injection. The letter arrived a couple of days before the appointment which I had made for a booster jab. Internal communications are crap everywhere, it seems.” Sam Itation
[Especially in government departments. Ed.]

markerAnother environmental disaster
The government has blown £2 MILLION of taxpayers' cash on building bat bridges that don't work. The structures are supposed to make the bats think they are approaching a wood when they near a road and fool them into flying at a higher and safer altitude.
   But they don't. So another 2 mil down a Brown Hole.

UK flag Bremoaners are weeping openly in the streets. The shortage of lorry drivers for delivery jobs is due to the low pay that they were getting, not Brexit. Confirmed!

Arfur TreemarkerDoes look like something the cat dragged in
This year's Xmas fad is a tree confection made out of dried pampas grass, which is too weak to support conventional Xmas tree decorations. And also a major fire hazard.
   Something the candle-burning fraternity may find out to their cost when they contemplate the fire-ravaged wreck of their home clutching a letter from their insurance company telling them their policy is void because they deliberately introduced a known fire hazard into the happy home.
   Sensible readers of BFN are reminded that no such problem comes with the Arfur Tree (right), which was advertised during Week 1 of the current month.

Knee of Grace People who are mocking the monstrous prices charged for an advent calendar by the likes of Chanel (£610) are being asked what do customers expect other than to be ripped off when they buy something with a fancy brand name attached? And reminded that VFM does not apply to such purchases.

marker FakeBuk is being sued for £200 BILLION in compensation for aiding & abetting the genocide of Rohinga Moslems in western Burma by not censoring inflammatory stuff put on its website, mainly by the regime.

markerWhat they are NOT telling you
Park a face mask for 7 days and you can wear it again. Which means that all you need is 7 of them, if you go out every day of the week. Not a pack of 50 or 100.

wrapped presentmarker + + + Xmas in Scotland Scrooged + + + Wee Burney clamps down hard + + + No one, but no one, to enjoy themself by law + + +

ShockHorror Up to 300 plague carriers could have attended Conservative Xmas events @ Downing Street last year. Up to 1,480 plague carriers could have attended Labour Xmas events across London last year. Up to 8 Scottish Nationalists could have attended party events last Xmas. It's a wonder everyone in the country isn't a rotting corpse, if you take any notice of the propaganda.

first class stampreader comment“We keep hearing about a tsunami of plague cases swamping hospitals. Whatever happened to the Nightingale hospitals and their potential for taking up the slack? Or were they just a way of wasting a bit of taxpayers' cash on another cosmetic gesture?” Ellas McGuffin

reader comment“That was a pretty crude effort, as swindles go, in the last Grand Prix of the season, but probably the best they could manage in the limited circumstances.” Miklos Gringos

Labour spokesrobotWho do we blame for the end of the Xmas we used to know?
Sir Kreepy Steamer's AI robot mouthpiece, in a rare outburst of political honesty, named him as the architect of Britain's total December lock-in and all the rest of the world's misery.
   There is also a hefty contribution to the nation's collective misery coming from Wee Burney north of the border, where the emphasis is on the New Year holiday rather than the expendable Xmas one. And Burns Nicht, of course.
   Labour is blaming the message on a hacker. Attempts to identify who gained access to Labour's new pride and joy provoked lots of grins but no admissions of guilt.
first class stampreader comment“Sirk Reepy is not fit for Opposition as long as he remains so blatantly jealous of President Boris 'coz Boris is in charge and he ain't.” Kat Mandhu
reader comment“Sirk Reepy, does he have a crap job or is he just doing it in a crap way?” Walter Wallcarpet

bulletQ: What sort of idiot pays £395 for a T-shirt?
bulletA: An ageing model desperate to get herself noticed.
[And succeeding, Ed.]

Shriek!On the way out at last?
The BLAME Bunchers have been binned by the BBC. The pandermic description of non-whites has been ruled homogenizing and a denial of the diversity of those who do not share our European heritage.
   It is also confusing to the dim, offensive to those seeking to be offended and aspecific.
   ITV is also cancelling BLAME from its news broadcasts as it feels that B.L.A.M.E. would better reinforce the idea of non-homogeneity but no one could come up with a way to vocalise the full stops in news reports which did not sound weird.

bullet Some dogs can understand 215 words, which is 150 more than most human teenagers.

UK flagThe government is to introduce legislation to make it illegal for someone to identify as only one sex as this breaches diversity regulations.

baseball hatWorking Hard has been proclaimed the Clapped-Out Cliché of the Year for 2021 and anyone using it is now entitled to be dunked in ditchwater until they gain a sense of proportion.
   The expression has come to invite immediate derision and an assumption that the politician deploying it is merely going through the motions because his/her/its staff are idle, self-obsessed and generally useless.

bulletQ: Does it matter that the boss of the F.O. was on holiday whilst the Talibandits were taking over in Afghanistan?
bulletA: As he wouldn't have been involved in the manual work of dealing with those thousands of unanswered emails, he wouldn't have been of any use and his absence doesn't matter.

markerWho needs wonks on the workforce?
Well Done! to the students @ Durham U. Their attitude to free speech & their failure to accept that others can disagree with them is going to make lots of them unemployable.
reader comment“The vice-canceller of the university seems to be a real piece of work.” Axel Rosin

tick symbol Bumbling Boris is managing to get at least one thing right—he's annoying all the right people!

right eyeleft eyeThe Financial Conduct Authority is going to force firms to offer concise & comprehensible information to customers rather than the maze of small print deadfalls currently on offer.
   Which raises the obvious questions of why the FCA let this happen and why it didn't do something about it 40 or 60 years ago. This long history of not being bovvered is not calculated to generate confidence that the FCA will achieve anything worthwhile for the swindled customer.

wrapped presentFar Queue symbol Putin the Poisoner has been forced to deny that Russian troops are seeking to spend Xmas in Ukraine because they know there's bugger all for them on offer back home.

baseball hat Some Xperts have put their money on 1,000,000 cases of the Chinese plague by New Year's Eve. Others are placing bets on the degree of confection needed to synthesize that magic million if most of the cases are so mild that the recipient doesn't notice it..

bullet The current total of last year's December parties in government circles is 5. Bets are being laid on how high the total can be confected.

Far Queue symbol Formula One has been forced to sack its scriptwriters following a deluge of complaints about the crudeness of the swindle perpetrated in the final Grand Prix of the season.

Grey Cup 108 logoGrey Cup 108 in half a gale in Hamilton
but the temperature was above zero

The Blue Bombers are favourites to beat the TigerCats on their home turf. But first, a gang of wind-blown Injuns, then some bloke doing a crap song, then some bird in pale blue Dracula boots, then the bloke again. Shudda got the Reklaws back. Long Live The Night!
   The lady who did the national anthem tried hard. Crumbs! An actual kick off by the Blue Bombers. The TigerCats were 2 & gone. The BB coughed up the home team's next punt during the return but Dane's first play was picked off! FG from it, 3-0. A punt with the wind got the BB a rouge, 4-0 after 13 minutes.
   The BB were sacked to a FG in Q2, 7-0. Evans was double-dinged and replaced by Masoli, the Cats got to the red zone, FG, 7-3 in the 13th minute. A TD for Dunbar put the Cats 7-10 ahead @ half time. Oh, no! That bloke back again.
   The Cats punted away the opener of Q3, the BB got to & goal, just a FG and 10-all. The Cats went out on downs at their 44 but Collards was picked and a big return by Kelly got to the BB 27. Why don't Masoli throw it to Speedy B? TD for Banks in the 12th minute, 10-17. Kelly picked Collards again; 2 & sack & punt by the Cats. 2 & out & safety by the BB, 10-19 in the last minute of the quarter.
   The Cats were stopped at the BB 3 in Q4, FG, 10-22. The BB woke up but OPI in the TC goal held them to a FG, 13-22. A 29 yard TD pass to Demski got the BB to 20-22 with 5½ minutes left. Plus a single from a kick off with the wind, 21-22. A daft penalty made the TC punt. Another FG and a rouge from the kick off put the BB 25-22 ahead with 2 minutes left. Speedy B got the Cats to FG range, they got closer but stalled at the 3, FG, 25-all and OT.
   The BB took their opener to a TD for Adams and made +2, 33-25. Holding sent the Cats back to the 45 and they went 3 & out.
   Two Grey Cup wins in a row for the Winnipeg side, and a really good match this season. The Bombers might have been favourites but the Cats got very close.

The Grey Cup— last seen surrounded by masked suspects in Mountie uniforms

hatmanIt had to happen
"The wrong kind of" has struck again. All the recent power cuts were due to the wrong kind of wind. Trees were used to being blasted from the south-west and were braced for assaults from that direction. And not ready for gales from the north-east.
   That is why collapsing trees demolished so much power grid technology. The grid company also failed to anticipate this threat when they came up with their pruning strategy.

yellow eyeFurther damning evidence against G. Maxwell has been offered at her trial. Her mate J. Epstein once put a cup of tea on the same bit of Balmoral cabin verandah rail as the place used by The Queen to park her gin & Dubonnet and Prince Philip once parked a mug of beer. Case closed!

Ad Attack The Ultimo™ Invisible Hearing Aid
Contains rap 'music' filter as standard
Hand-built @ our factory in Croatia
Romiley Gadgets, 3a Riverside Drive

Be Advised We are unable to bring you details of this week's mental 'elf crisis for Prince Hairy. The December list is missing and we can't be arsed to look for it.
   All we have is some BS about Hairy claiming that everyone should give up their job and become an ornament, just like him, for the sake of their mental 'elf.

baseball hatDepartment of the Bleedin’ Obvious
Is anyone impressed by boffins @ the University of Arizona finding that jogging in clean air does you good but jogging beside a road and breathing in vehicle pollution doesn't? No?

markerBlimey! The Justice Sec., D. Raab, is considering fines for coppers who fail to make a proper job of dealing with a crime. The Chancellor, Mr. Snack, will be overwhelmed by the influx of dosh if this ever comes to pass.

Really Bloody Daft IdeaIn the good old daze, a city had to have a cathedral. Standards have slumped so much that a tourist hotspot in Cornwall, population 1,440, is now agitating to be granted the status of the City of Marazion.
reader comment“Looks like there's hope for Romiley now!” Colin Card

ragePutinstan is gnashing its teeth, having failed to bag the £100M F-35 jet, which took a nose dive off a Britisch antiaircraft carrier instead of taking off. Possibly due to a cunning act of sabotage, it ended up 900 fathoms deep in the Mediterranean but diving robots were able to attach a system of air bags and raise the plane to the surface for recovery.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

    WEEK 3    Wot happened to the Nightingale Hospitals?

Exaggerated packaging

Exaggerated Packaging

4 battered cod fillets in a box big enuff for 8 of them? Not impressed.

bulletToday's Daft Concept: “caffeine shampoo” Why would anyone want to shampoo caffeine?

marker The debating society @ Oxford U. is so hard up for a bit of dosh that it is having to stage mock events to go into supermarket commercials for the Xmas season to survive.

marker What is so bad about ultation that abandoning it to get to a state of exultation is considered to be a Good Thing?

bullet How come this year's shortest day has 24 hours, just like all the rest of them?

first class stampreader comment“This December 2020 party thing is getting ludicrously out of hand. Okay, some people get a rotten deal out of life. But that is no reason why everyone else should be permanently miserable for the rest of their life. Those People, especially the likes of Sirk Reepy, are using it as an excuse for sitting on their hands and not doing things that matter, things that are useful. Time for them to stop pissing about and get on with it.” Putas Putins
reader comment“It's not the prime monster's job to be the December Party Monitor and he should tell everyone who thinks different to F-off. Especially Sirk Reepy.” Balshoi Blat
reader comment“It's true, anyone who thinks it's the prime monster's job to be the December Party Monitor is an idiot. Unfortunately, there is an abundance of evidence around to confirm that we are surrounded by an abundance of idiots.” Sob Okkan

bulletQ: What is Piers Corbynstein for?
bulletA: To make O.J. look like he might just have 2 brain cells to rub together.

first class stampreader comment“One minute, we're being told there's a delivery crisis and Xmas is cancelled, the next we're being told there ain't no delivery crisis and things will be okay as long as the stoopid customers don't start panic buying. Don't you wish they'd make their bluddy minds up?” Poppy White
reader comment“This month's retail crisis is, in fact, a shortage of cardboard and the price of it zooming up as a consequence. Which has left customers moaning about getting a boring, shoddy box when they buy something flash & expensive.” Poppy Red

bulletQ: Why is Scotland not being allowed to reintroduce the wolf into its wilderness areas?
bulletA: Because they get about more than a lot and they'd be in London within a week.

reader comment“What has got Sirk Reepy really riled is that no one ever invites such a damp sponge to a party. So it's sheer jealousy that's juddering his jockstrap.” Carleye Evanderpries

baseball hat New Zealand is going to make it illegal for anyone born after 2008 to buy cigarettes and tobacco in any form whilst they are alive. But after they're dead, it will be okay.
reader comment“It will probably be just as effective as making cannabis illegal.” Swami Sleaze

bulletQ: Is a tsunami of the omigod variant of the Chinese plague anything to be bovvered about if it's relatively meek?
bulletA: The only tsunami we're getting seems to be one of bollocks.

bullet + + + Geronimo the alpaca murdered by Environment Dept. + + + Inquest confirms that animal never had bovine TB + + + Owner to sue all those involved in killing Geronimo for animal cruelty? + + + 'Following the science' alibi of chief veterinary officer bogus + + +

look both It is okay to wander round a supermarket without a mask, the government sez, as long as you are singing and actively spreading the plague @ 23 times the rate of someone who is keeping quiet.
   One does get the distinct impression that someone in government is having a giraffe.

look bothThe Health Sec., Vajid Javid, thinks requiring his customers to be vaccinated compulsorily is unethical. Which means that they are going to have to warn others about the potential dangers of coming into contact with their potentially dangerous carcases by going around clanging a bell and yelling, "Unclean! Unclean!"
   One is beginning to see something of a pattern forming.
reader comment“Or adopt the Greek solution of fining the unvaxxed £100/month until they get jabbed.” Ben Doon
reader comment“Or the Singapore solution [something similar presented elsewhere, Ed.] of making the unvaxxed who end up in hospital with the plague liable for the cost of their treatment, food, care, etc.” Philm Scrip

Worth a try
cross symbolAll politicians, regardless of relationship status, are to be required to take immediate Boris Baby Leave until January 13th 2022. The theory is that if all the fuquers aren't doing anything, fewer things will end up FUBB.

eyesThe government is to depress the nation even more by publishing 3-monthly score cards telling the customers just how few crimes our diverse & PC & underachieving police farces are tackling, never mind solving.

cross symbolJack Daniel's used to be honest to goodness, good ol' American whiskey. But it has degenerated into Joke Daniel's with all sorts of flavour variations from curry to flamingo.

skull 2Not wanted on voyage
Transport systems everywhere, especially the Tube in London, are banning electric scooters from their vehicles because poorly constructed devices with a defective battery have an increasingly depressing history of bursting into flames spontaneously, just like 'uman beans.

bulletQ: What's this Tory rebellion over the plague rules vote all about?
tonguebulletA: Assured that Labour will back anything that is repressive—the more repressive the better—73.8% of the Tory 'rebellion' was just 'look at me, aren't I daring?' politics & posturing gitism. If Labour hadn't felt obliged to help the government out, there would have been no rebellion as a government defeat would have been unproductive in self-interest & career terms for the posturers.

tick symbol Drivers of a Tesla electric car will be able to play video games if their journey gets a bit boring simply by telling a little white lie. All they will have to do is press the 'I am a passenger' button to gain access to the player.

markerThe Britisch scientific establishment is hopelessly compromised by useful idiots on the side of the Chinese, the boss of MI6 reckons. Universities, in particular, have become thoroughly subverted thanks to strategic donations of red gold from the Orient.

reader comment“The Chinese plague seems to have created vast numbers of pissant whingers. Is this some sinister Oriental plot to erode our national moral fibre & fortitude to facilitate their world domination plans?” Nakedo Yoras

baseball hat In the wake of this month's killer tornadoes in the Newly BeKnighted States, gorbal warming swindlers are working hard to confect a forecast of lotz more and bigger ones to come in the near future.
reader comment“Two cups of tea, one at 20 deg.C, one at 22 deg.C. Is one of them a raging death trap because it is 2 deg.C hotter? No, they are identical to a casual glance—just two cold cups of tea.” Napkin Cioal

Covid Conversation
face maskPrisoner: "I'm Spartacus!"
Rest of prisoners in chorus: "No, I'm Spartacus!"
Roman Fiveturion: "Let's crucify the lot of them. There's only six and it won't take all day."

Far Queue symbol Two fingers raised to the wonks who were in the Harley Porter films and who are trying to cancel the author—a rich Yank shelled out £365K for a Rowling limited first edition the other day.

markerCancellation Cancelled
Despite the libels confected by the wonk brigade about the style of writing, the 2022 edition of The Whisky Bible by J. Murray is selling in record numbers.
   The response from the industry has been limp—the booze producers are clearly too afraid of the nasty bastards to stand up and be counted.
   Even so, there is still a small sliver of hope for the 'uman race.

markerOne-third of local councils are refusing to reveal how big a rise in tax they are planning to dump on their customers in the name of pretending to deliver social care.

Far Queue symbol Yesterday's spam call came from 02036 302 116—a bloke with an Indian accent cold-calling about 'your life insurance'.

markerWhat’s the story of the North Shropshire by-election?
It's a by-election, it's the customers telling the government, "Stop pissing about and get a grip." And if the Trivial Democraps say the result is a ringing endorsement of whoever's in charge of the Trivials this week, that's just routine politicals lies of the sort told by fundamentally dishonest people who will tell you anything for a chance to stick both hands into your wallet.
   It's obviously just the voters throwing a big wobbly to give President Boris a black eye as a harmless gesture when it doesn't matter rather than any sort of endorsement of Sirk Reepy & his bunch, who didn't exactly win the approval of masses desperate for change. 'Coz that's the key. Nothing ever changes as the result of a mid-term by-election. Not even if the government loses a seat which it has held for 2,000 years.

bulletQ: Does anyone care that J. Assange has lost his decade-long struggle to avoid justice in the Untied States?
bulletA: We don't know anyone who gives the proverbial monkey's.

postage stampreader comment“Whatever happened to all the crap about 'following the science'? Right now, the government seems to be making up its own story about the meek & mild omicron variant of the Chinese plague in an attempt to turn it into a terrifying serial killer. Presumably, so that it can deliver either an 'I told you so' to justify all the extra locking in or a claim that its prompt actions delivered the nation from a terrible fate if nothing terrible happens.” Schu Gully

markerPerspective Lost by A. Milkman
It was reasonable at the time it happened. Looking back at history from a different point in time and with an entirely different perspective changes nothing.
   It merely imposes an inappropriate layer of unreasonableness on what was reasonable at the time of the event.
   And exposes the unreasonable prejudices of those making unreasonable judgements. Not that such a consideration is ever likely to check Those People.

markerIt’s what they do
The legal trade, in pursuit of a payday, stands accused of creating a toxic mess in the world of horse racing, setting jockeys against the waxworks running the activity.

ShockHorrorThere are idiots around who will pay €200 for a 'tasting menu' consisting of wisps of stuff; all with a fishy taste, no matter how inappropriate; rather than grub, and Michelin reckons that the eatery in Italy is worth 2 of its stars. But then, what does a company that makes tyres for road vehicles know about VFM in the eats trade?

bulletQ: Can you get an honest deal out of the FIA?
bulletA: Not if its waxworks mark their own homework.

skull 2It wisnae me!
right eye Putin the Poisoner has denied having an official plan to annex Ukraine into Greater Putinstan as part of his gas strategy. If anything happens in the coming weeks, it will be a spontaneous gesture by men with guns & bombs & tanks, who happened to be in the area with nothing much else to do than invade.

bulletQ: Is it a crime against 'umanity for Prince Chuck to send a thank-you note to a bloke who offered his charity a £1M donation?
bulletA: It's the sort of politeness expected of a decent person. Something Those People just won't get.

Far Queue symbol Predictably, teaching unions are using the omigod version of the Chinese plague as an Xcuse for skiving by demanding an early end to the current school term and a late start to the next one in the new year.
reader comment“Any Xcuse to avoid having to face all them 'orrible kids.” Hugo First

baseball hatThe London School of Tropical Medicine is placing a bet on 75,000 deaths from the omigod version of the Chinese plague by May 2022. The gambling industry is now laying internal bets on whether anyone will be able to confect a figure of 100,000 deaths.

baseball hatA significant casualty of the omigod version of the plague is the red list of foreign countries with high plague rates. With the omigod version's infection rate doubling every 10 minutes here, the UK is no different from the red listers, which is seen as a triumph for equality, and there is no point in making arrivals here do quarantine, which is becoming a reducing quantity.
   It is currently 10 days, the Xperts and MPs are agitating for a reduction to 7 days, place your bets on when it will come down to 10 minutes.

markerRunning the numbers
649 MPs and a Speaker. 368 for President Boris' plague restrictions, 156 not bovvered about voting and 125 against = 524 not against; i.e. 70% of MPs.
   Is that a defeat? Only to someone who is a total idiot or someone like Sirk Reepy, who is trying to confect personal Wunderkind status.

reader comment“There is a lot of uncertainly about the characteristics of omigod, we are told. There is none about those of the forecaster-alarmists. They will always make a ludicrous guess and get their numbers wildly wrong.” Los Ambulance Rangers

reader commenttongue“When you look at who's yelling & sniping at President Boris—TheRazor May, dumped MPs, Bollocks to Berko, Dangerous Dom, Lady Strewth Davidson, the news meeja, etc.—it sure looks like he's doing things Xactly right if he's upsetting Those People so badly.” Perce Armstrangle
reader comment“The inmates have had to work more than a couple of weeks in a row in the House of Common Criminals and they've gone stir crazy.” Infra Touchdown
reader comment“The big problem with doing all the dumping on Boris is that anyone half-way decent is going to think half a dozen times about replacing him and ending up on the receiving end of more of the same in due course. And the Tories could end up with their equivalent of O.J. Corbynstein or Sirk Reepy as their replacement leader—and wake up hoping it's all a horrible nightmare only to find out that it isn't.” Mycar Driver

bulletQ: How much inflation @ 15% will be needed to make £400 BILLION of government borrowing go away—6 months? a year? two years? more?
bulletA: Our accounts computer has locked itself in a cupboard and refuses to come out.

reader comment“You have to wonder about Xperts who conclude that people are happy to eat the same breakfast every day. Does happiness really come in to it? Or do people just follow a daily ritual they don't have to think about so they can concentrate on other things? Same with the people who don't do breakfast. The absence is just part of their day with no feeling attached to it.” Heldin Check

markerTrust is in v. short supply
If you have nothing to hide, what is the worry? is said about letting Her Majesty's police having a crApp that does facial recognition.
1. a screw-up caused by a dodgy bit of computer programming,
2. a screw-up caused by the wrong data being put in the wrong box,
3. a screw-up caused by some copper not paying attention or not being bovvered,
4. a screw-up engineered by hackers . . .
Need we go on?

eyes The BBC's head of global warming swindles has been booted up the bum for claiming that wind farms generating electricity are subsidy-free when they are no such thing. It's true, Those People wouldn't know the truth if it bought them a 10-course lunch.

Surprise! A wonk chocolate firm has been booted up the bum for leaving one of the windows of its advent calendar empty, allegedly to highlight mistreatment of workers but more likely to boost profits by not giving VFM.

The JBYM gang are a direct consequence of a lack of that wartime essential moral fibre. The spirit of getting on with it no matter what has been drowned by the culture of victimhood & compenbloodysation fostered by Those People, especially the ones in the legal trade.
   Never mind five a day. What we need is a diet loaded with moral fibre in the hope that some of it sticks.

markerThe Formula One soap is in really deep trouble if it is having to use scriptwriters who are obviously refugees from the world of TV wrestling.

baseball hat "Three-quarters of your drink is the mixer", sez the TV advert.
If 99% of the mixer is H2O, it's bloody expensive water in that overpriced bottle.

bullet The nation's DoomBuggers have officially advised the country to cut back on socialism to slow the rate of spread of the Chinese plague.

markerEquemtocy by any means
The Xperts have decided that women drink more than men when they are feeling stressed. The Health Dept. is debating whether to set up a task force to look at ways to increase stress on men to achieve equality in the field of hitting the bottle.
furthermore . . . Equality campaigners are trying to convince a sceptical nation that rocket scientists are no smarter than the average Joe/Jo in pursuit of their levelling up agenda.
   "The futile in pursuit of the pointless" is about the kindest comment that the programme has received thus far.
reader comment“I note that the Xperts would like to bin 'it's not rocket surgery' and substitute 'it's a walk in the park'.for something easy. Cue loud howls of victimly protest from all those unable to walk or lacking a park, and strident demands for compenbloodysation from the Xperts. 'Coz that's the new norm.” Old Norm
reader comment“Could it be that the pedestal-popping Xperts who are trying to knock rocket scientists & brain surgeons off their perch have ambitions to be up there for admiration instead?” Hugo O'Balmer

Kerching!Will there be any bonuses for the bosses after the NatWest bank was fined £265 MILLION! for facilitating massive money laundering of binbags full of banknotes for a drug gang? 'Course there will be!

Far Queue symbol The Welsh government (Labour run) has taken the sex out of sex education in schools. A load of wonk wibble has been substituted.

marker + + + Public Health Stasi accused of killing hospitality industry + + + DoomBuggers tell customers "Hide in a cave until January" + + + DoomBugger prediction accuracy rate for Chinese plague severity 'lamentable' + + +

marker + + + Inflation rate over 5% and rising + + + Bonk of England raises interest rate to 0.25% + + + "Just weeing in the wind" is most common reaction to this ineffective gesture + + +

marker Football clubs & the League are threatening not to pay unvaccinated players who have to self-isolate and become unavailable to work. But will they dare to do this? And will overpaid divas really miss 10 days' pay? Possibly, if it happens often enough.

marker Doctors in Spain with time on their hands have concluded that the PTSD a nutter who imagines he/she has been abducted by aliens gets is as bad as the PTSD someone who has actually been ABA would get.
reader comment“As no one has ever been ABA for real, this has to be just more pointless medical guesswork of the sort we're overloaded with.” Hugo Next

markerLife’s rich pageant of dumbosity
One minute, you're reading a joke story about medical Xperts who spend 50 hours watching superhero films in order to confect a whole range of medical conditions for the likes of Spiderman, Iron Man & the Incredible Bulk. The next, you're finding out that being a headmaster rots the brain.
   It certainly seems to have done so in the case of the head of a posh school, who thinks writing answers to exam questions with a pen is too exhausting to impose on modern snoflakes, who are more used to typing.
   Yeah, sure it is! Pur-WTFH-lease!
reader comment“Talking about the death of education—I was doing a quick crossword and the bone-headed compiler had 'peat' as the answer to 'fossil fuel (4)'. Falls over in amazement. This is utter bollocks. But, apparently, the global warming fraudsters of the UNO's IPCC have made peat an honorary fossil fuel and idiot crossword compilers are falling for it.” Moggie Thrope

markerMore pie in his sky
space moduleMarsman E. Musk is planning an extensive zoo in the city on the Red Planet where his colonists will do . . . something or other.
   His first Mars landing has been pushed back a couple of years to 2026, which means that the Noah Zark Division of the Tesla empire will have plenty of time to decide which beasties to lumber of Mars, how to get them there and how to keep them alive @ the new frontier.

markerDunno, mate!
no brainer The best thing to tell the hapless stooges who are pretending to be investigating Tory party December Dos from last year [Nothing involving other political parties? How strange and perverse! Ed.] is that the customer is no longer sure enough about what happened, or didn't happen, to make a definitive statement.
update The High Hiedyin who's supposed to be investigating last years outbreak of December Dos in Tory circles has had to bin himself as his own department has been accused of being at it too—or not, according to which is the more convenient!
update theGrauniad has been showered with derision for its attempt to confect a vast cheese & wine party around a photo of a few well-spaced Downing Street staff in the garden in a month other than December.
[The absence of similar pictures of anyone other than Tories or government staff confirms that this is just the Looney Left trying to wave virtue flags and do their usual distortions of the actualité. Ed.]
reader comment“Barrel scraped to Xtinction?” Fabber Jay
[Oh, no it isn't! Ed.]

burglarmarker“Up with that is what?”
The 'uman bluddy rights industry is outraged by the Justice Sec.'s plans to get rid of foreign criminals by making it possible actually to export them to their country of origin. The industry reckons that the government is rewriting the rules to make itself untouchable—something which the parasites reckon should be the sole province of their customers.

reader comment“The question now is not so much whether the Coinservatives (sic) want Boris as their leader as whether can Boris afford to stay on as prime monster. With two young kids and Scary Carrie to support, going back to being able to earn an adequately big salary from his writing looks a much more sensible alternative.” Aled Cahir
[Coinservative—Tory MP with a second job; or even more, Ed.]

Knee of GraceThe government has decided not to mess about with the pension age. It will go up every other year, starting from 2022, quite relentlessly. Thus the state pension age will rise to 67 in 2023 and become affordable to the nation's taxpayers in 2031.
   The move will also provide clarity for all those who have been moaning about the lack of it as a result of their own serial ineptitude and inability to pay attention.

ice shelfDisappointment Looming
+ + + Doomsday Glacier in Antarctic may not shatter like something made of non-shatterproof glass + + + Sea levels may not rise by 2 feet by 2027 + + + DoomBuggers in dumps because of this + + +

baseball hat Young BBC correspondents have been handed an unbeatable alibi for being unable to do impartiality. They were trained by looney left scumbags, who lack all sense of honesty & fair play, and the waxworks at the top of the Beeb allowed this failing to cascade down the generations.

Surprise! An employment panel has ruled that being vexatiously homo does not provide permanent protection from disemployment on redundancy grounds.

first class stampreader comment“The Xperts have come up with the term Imposter Syndrome for those who have nagging doubts about whether they have really earned success. Strange we never hear about its opposite, Poster Syndrome, for those alleged celebs who are all froth & no substance. And the nation's politicians, of course.” A. Drain M'Olé

reader comment“What we need here is an equivalent of the DEA in the Untied States. A Drug Exploitation Agency would take all the revenue from the drug trade out of private hands and funnel it into the nation's bank account. Wunderbar!” Leroy Mentel

marker"Could, but based on the success rate of your previous predictions, won't." That's what we need to be telling the medical DoomBuggers like Sir Chris Whitty DBBE.**
[DoomBugger of the British Establishment. Ed.]

Scribble McGribblemarkerTook the buggers long enuff to realize
MPs are finally realizing that burning wood imported from the US in power stations is anything but Green, and a total swindle. Like the rest of the Boris Green Bollocks Agenda.
   Unfortunately for the government, the Drax wood-burning power station is all that's keeping the lights on when the wind don't blow and the Sun don't shine, and it cannot therefore be binned casually as a green bollocks virtue gesture. Life Sabich.
reader comment“Maybe the UN's global warming fraudsters can muddy the waters by reclassifying wood as an honorary fossil, like peat.” Vos Meigal

reader comment“How come no one is investigating any of the Labour & trade union & Liberal lock-in dos? And let us not pretend there were none. Just doing it to the Tories is political pillocking and a waste of Tax-Payers' Money. SNAFU by the usual trough-scoffers.” Bod Epart

bullet+ + + Omigod version of Chinese plague accused of not trying + + + Present in only 89 of 192 countries available + + +

Far Queue symbol India has lost its status as a democracy now that the regime is sending people to gaol for sedition if they dare to put a congratulatory message on the interweb when Pakistan wins a cricket match.

markerNight clubs and pubs should be offered the survival lifeline of becoming Chinese plague vaccination centres, the Brainy Bunch is advising.

Former prime monster Gordon F. Broon is getting the blame for the growing suspicion that a stealth lock-in is being imposed. Broon's notorious practice of picking the nation's pocket with his stealth taxes is being accused of creating a culture of malicious stealth in the mechanisms of government.

first class stampreader comment“How curious that the catering industry sees a shortage of staff and a shortage of customers as a '2-punch combination'. One would have thought the two would cancel each other out.” E. Sinhala-Buchhalter

reader comment“Levelling up seems to have been booted into touch. What we have now is levelling down to the lowest level of misery that the discontents can confect. With the emphasis on the 'fec', of course.” Javon Tea

markerA few inconveniences
A year of study has left Xperts in the US with some definitive conclusions about the Chinese plague.
1. Animal to human transfer is highly unlikely.
2. Covid-19 is unusually well adapted to infecting humans—engineered to be so?
3. Poor biosecurity at the Chinese bioweapons factory in Wuhan, where the plague started, is the most probable source.
4. Apparently respectable scientists in the pay of the Chinese government will do their best to conceal this information.

reader comment“Wholesale gas prices up 500% in a year? Clearly there is mass profiteering & swindling going on @ the level of a criminal conspiracy and law enforcement agencies should be taking action against the spivs!!” Maggie Strate
[A criminal conspiracy to make overpriced electricity from occasionals like wind & solar look like VFM? Plausible. Or, indeed, probable. Ed.]

50p coinKerching! The legal trade is beaming approval on the woke who is trying to get the sex of the holder box on a passport expanded to include a 'don't kno/prefer not to say' option.
   The Supreme Court said no to the campaigner here, next stop the EFU Court of 'Uman bluddy Rights and more cash in the pockets of legal vultures.

bullet"She is an actress of considerable maintenance"—is that good or bad?

bulletPiffle of the Week: Glasgow has had 12 extra days of rain this year due entirely to man-made gorbal warmage.

    WEEK 4    If you haven't had the jab, Far Queue!

marker“Indy, but not as we kno it, Jim”
How very curious that Wee Burney Sturgeon is insisting that Scotland can make a go of it as an independent nation when she is grotting all over the oil & gas industry, and she can't keep the place running during a pandemic without massive injections of English taxpayers' cash.
   But then, honesty has never been the strong suit of politicians.

reader comment“If you've had 3 jags against the Chinese plague but you still have to stay at home, what was the point of making the effort to get your jags?” Vo Syemate

furthermore . . . Still on the subject of the Drax power station—this one installation produces as much electricity as 8,900 wind turbines on a vastly smaller area all day and every day regardless of whether the wind is blowing, not blowing or blowing too hard for wind turbines to handle.
   Burning coal instead of wood would reduce its carbon dioxide emissions by 13.82% and produce vast amounts of fly ash which can be used as a filler with wonderful thermal insulation properties. But Green Bollocks trumps good sense every day of the week now.

bullet The Hissy Git of the Year Award has to go to the MP S. Baker, who casually removes dissenting voices from 'his' online group of Tory MPs because he is a wokist who can't bear the thought of anyone disagreeing with him.
   He was very briefly a junior Brexit minister but he is also claiming that he delivered Brexit single-handedly and he is therefore a Hero of the Untied Kingdom (self-appointed).

Eclipse Day revisited

bulletPiffle of the Decade: Why the SNP has spent 7 years not investigating why it made a total bog of Edinburgh's trams. Either that or the £40 MILLION cost to the taxpayer of the wrongful & malicious prosecution of those involved in a deal to buy Glasgow Rangers FG.

bullet Something the SNP is good at—doing wonders for the private medical sector in Scotland by wrecking the NHS there.

bulletHow to claim Scottish Roots: A girl who was in a SpiderMan film has a great-grandfather who had heard of Scotland.

reader comment“Anyone who croaks because they think being vaccinated against the Chinese plague is the government putting 5G nanochips into their carcase is no great loss to the 'uman community.” Pree Krasny

bulletQ: Vaccination Equality Rights?
bulletA: Those who have been vaccinated should not have to be Xposed to refuseniks.
[Is that 'refuse' the verbal form, as in decline, or a noun. as in garbage? The nation should be told! Ed.]

markerBlast from the past
In 2008, the carbon dioxide level in the atmosphere was 387 ppm. It is now 416 ppm, an increase of 7.5%. In 2008 the atmospheric methane concentration was 1.8 ppm. In 2021, it remains 1.8 ppm. No need to panic.

Like India, Hong Kong has shed any pretence of being a democracy. Only stooges of the waxworks in Peking were allowed to be candidates in local elections held after the waxworks had shifted the political goal posts. As a result, there was a record low turn-out of 30% as the only available means of disapproving of this rigging of the electoral process.

Good News for President Creaky Joe! His approval ratings are now so low that they can fall no further.

BombshellThe NHS is on stand-by for an epidemic of amputated feet as gardening enthusiasts are rediscovering the scythe as an implement of mass destruction for tackling overgrown areas or grass-cutting without using power tools.

markerSounds like a reasonable explanation
Why are people such idiots? is often asked about the masses. Xperts reckon that huge numbers of them will be spending 7½ hours per day messing about on the interweb during the Festering Season, absorbing all sorts of garbage and brain-rotting conspiracies.

bulletQ: What do you get if you crash your car whilst wiped out on drink & drugs & banned from driving & not insured?
bulletA: If you do it in West Sussex and your name is Katie Price, away with it.
p.s. Don't forget to claim you're a mental elf.

Royal Mail post tracking system collapses
Enter your reference number, as clearly printed on your record of posting, check you've got it right and what do you get?
Sorry - we don't recognise that number. Please check the information to make sure your tracking code is correct.
And that's all you get. Nothing more than a blanket disclaimer of all responsibility.

French flagThe Napoleon Complex worsens . . .
French President Manny Micron is taking steps to avoid contaminating the French strain of the omigod version of the Chinese plague with the UK strain by banning visitors from across the Channel. "Only pure French bugs for pure French citizens" is his message to the world.
   "Ineffectual knee jerked by a jerk", was the unofficial reaction in Downing Street.
bullet The French skiing industry is aghast @ this new hammer blow to its hopes of survival, but cheered slightly by the news that the travel ban does not apply to EFU nations as the rules of the confederation forbid discrimination against germs originating in other member countries.

bulletQ: Are we ruled by idiots?
bulletA: If the coal needed by the steel industry has to be imported from abroad rather than mined here, then that's a big affirmative.

bullet Inflation @ 6%. That's the latest offer from the Bank of England.

Far Queue symbol The Boneheaded Bozo of the Year Award goes to the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds, which blew £9 MILLION on trying to poison a single mouse, which was accused of driving the birds on Bough Island in the Tristan da Cunha group into Xtinction, and failed.

Far Queue symbol Wee Burney Sturgeon is having to go about with a heavily armed posse in an armoured limo after she outraged the rest of the Scottish nation by banning Hogmanizing.

Far Queue symbol This year's Pointless Pillocks Award goes to the staff of the London Tube system, who staged a strike @ a weekend when there were hardly any trains and pickets outnumbered passengers.
bullet A close runner-up is the industrial tribunal which ruled that wondering when someone in their 60s is going to retire is a Hate Crime Against Humanity.

markerThe Protected Sector, eh!
The number of new programmes created by the BBC is less than one-half of its output but staff numbers have remained constant, which means that they are getting paid double what they deserve out of the pockets of licence-payers if their productivity is down by over 50%.

bulletQ: Who actually believes that all this modern mental elfery is for real?
bulletA: It helps if you're a social worker, a soft-headed judge or some other tête de Richard.

marker B. Springsteen, 72, bossy musician, has sold the rights in his back catalogue for $500 MILLION! But what can an old bloke like him possibly do with all that cash?

bulletGovernment 2-page spread Advertising Feature in newspapers: How GPs Are Staying Safe This Xmas
Is it by not having anything to do with plague-carrying customers?

UK flag+ + + 100,000 plague infections per 24 hours prediction just not happening + + + Rate should be 3 MILLION per day if growth rate predicted by some Xperts real rather than BS + + +

bulletFormula One Redefined—sport-like entertainment
[Without the sport. Ed.]
first class stampreader comment“This actually happened in 2008, when a crude swindle did Louie Sam out of a Belgian GP win and handed it to Ferrari. F1 was downgraded from TV sport to sport entertainment. Another downgrade is due after this year's crude swindle.” Sergeant Grabble
reader comment“Being realistic, Louis Sam Milton's only way is out. He's got millions of quid and he's got his K for services to pretending that motor racing is a sport. Staying on in F1 would be just an endorsement of the latest swindle he ended up on the wrong end of and an open invitation to the scriptwrotters to inflict more of the same.” Syem Se7en
reader comment“2008—Hamilton swindled out of a GP win by Ferrari International Assistance, the UK went broke thanks to Scotch Gordon & useless bankers and Russia invaded Georgia.
   “2021—Hamilton swindled out of a GP win, the UK is broke again thanks to a plague from China and Russia is about to invade Ukraine.
   “Are we stuck in a time loop?” Tyree Kill

Bonehead BurnhammarkerWhy is Britain so uncultured?
Manchester's cosmetic mayor, Jonah Burnham, was Culture Vulture Sec. back in 2008 and the rot really set in during his reign.

markerLiteral Blast from the Past
China diverted the output from 2 or more coal-fired power stations to wind farms near Peking during its 2008 Olympic Games. The electricity was used to drive the turbines in reverse to blast the city's normally lethal blanket of smog elsewhere during the Games.
   The same wheeze is expected to be adopted as air conditioning for the upcoming Winter Olympics in China.

Far Queue symbol Past Blaster: Last time Labour was in government, it took Gordon F. Broon 11 years to bring the healthy rate of economic growth inherited from the Tories to zero.
   If Sirk Reepy ever gets to become prime monster, this process is expected to take less than 10 minutes.

Be Advised A professor, who is a member of SAGE [Stoopid Alarmist Gits' Ensemble? Ed.] claims that it produces the most DoomBugger predictions imaginable because that is what the government wants. Following the science you've confected? Yep, that sounds just like politics in action.

Wee Burney SturgeonFar Queue symbolGas @ a peep
One big bonus from the omigod version of the Chinese plague is that we have not had Wee Burney Sturgeon doing her President of the World act on the TV news. Frozen out by other trivia.

Far Queue symbolThick heads in Texas?
Bloody thick if Republicans there booed ex-President Trump for having a booster vaccination.
reader comment“Nice to know there are lotz of people to feel superior to, ain't it?” Chemo Sabe

markerOne for the Cancel Cults to try
13 years ago, Cuba came up with the wheeze of charging dissenters with 'social dangerousness' as an excuse to lock them up until a suitably vicious new law could be rushed through the legislative body to stick it to the offender.
   Sounds like something today's wonk cancellers would love to be able to try.

look bothreader comment“Just a thought but I suppose London councils are still sending minions to put condoms in parks for the benefit of 'bang in the bushes' homosexualists, even during the worst of the plague epidemic, 'coz that's the stoopid sort of thing the looney left does.” Per Ven

Far Queue symbol + + + Attention-seeker busted for assault on Prince Andrew's car + + + Mental elf, probably to be discharged back into community after spell in a cell? + + +

baseball hat + + + Sirk Reepy Steamer does Xmas broadcast to nation + + + Thinks he's The Queen now? + + + How much did he chug at inevitable boozy lunch before recording? + + + Nation should be told + + +

cone markerFar Queue symbol No surprise that some stooge in the hospitality sector in Manchester (a Jonah Burnham clone?) called the Chancellor's donation of extra BILLION QUID of taxpayer's dosh for the sector 'inadequate'.
   No doubt he'd have said the same about a thousand billion quid.
   There is never enough of other people's dosh to satisfy characters like that. So not much notice taken of him.

bulletThe DoomBugger of the Year Award, no surprise, has gone to Professor N. Ferguson of Imperial College, London. His prediction of 5,000 deaths per day caused by the omigod version of the Chinese plague [as opposed to being hit by the proverbial bus, Ed.] takes a whole lorryload of selections boxes of bisquits.
bulletHealth Sec. Vajid Javid was the runner up with his claim of 200,000 infections per day with the omigod version of the plague.

UK flagH.M. the Queen has cancelled her family's traditional Xmas party @ Sandringham to ensure that Prince Hairy & Mhegan the Merciless can't sneak in via an unguarded entrance to do a whinge.

reader commenttongue “It would be possible to be steamed up about wallpapergate & cronyism only if we hadn't been through buckets of the same during the first decade of the century at the hands of corrupt bliar new labour and during the Massive Mandelsleaze era.
   “It's what governments do. And at least President Boris hasn't lied us into a foreign war. Yet.” Oran German

Winter chill & clear skies to give way to rainy & warmer for the weekend

full moonClear skies for the full Moon during the week

update Not much sign of warmer today (Saturday).
What's happened to the promised thick cloud blanket? Patches of blue sky visible over Romiley.

baseball hatGas @ a peep
One big bonus from the omigod strain of the Chinese plague is that we don't have Wee Burney Sturgeon doing her President of the World act on the TV news. Frozen out by other trivia.

bulletBlast From The Past: As the end of 2008 approached, Gordon F. Broon had done so much damage to the economy that no one was buying Xmas stuff and the Chinese toy industry had to shut down for lack of orders. Much the same is going on in 2021 thanks to their plague.

bulletQ: What do you get if you import a shipment of bricks from Pakistan?
bulletA: The chance of a bonus gift of a saw-scaled viper, a snake species which has killed more 'uman beans that every other sort of snake in the world lumped together.
update The RSPCA in Salford has found a new home for this further illegal migrant. More to follow when it phones home?

That Moral Fibre Dearth
reader comment“Partygate, etc.? What we have is an Xtreme outbreak of poxy journalism, which has been going on for about as long as we've been putting up with the Chinese plague.” Chemo Sabe
reader comment“That and serial pandering to offence-seeking mental elves.” Terak Norm

Far Queue symbol This Month's Blown Chancer: M. Gove
Never going to have any chance of succeeding President Boris if he's so bloody keen on more locking in.
reader comment“That's just political crassness on steroids.” 4 Midable
[Have you ever been on steroids? Ed.]
reader comment“Yes.” 4 Midable
[Did you get enormously o'bese? Ed.]
reader comment“No noticeable weight gain despite a lengthy consumption period. I just went from feeling seriously nokay to okay again.” 4 Midable

eyesThe hissy leaders of the French fishing trade are spitting feathers with fury. Their stooges have called off an Xmas blockade, which was intended to stick it to the filthy Britisch, so that they can do Xmas themselves. Wot selfish gits!!

reader comment“'If we stick together', Sirk Reepy told the nation in his Xmas message, 'we'll all be okay'. Not much sign of him and the news meeja being on the side of the customers, though. All the sticking seems to be 'to' rather than 'with'.” Fehline Dasset

Be AdvisedJust because someone is a professor, that is no guarantee that he/she knows what they are talking about. Academics can fight ludicrous rearguard actions to protect a wrong-headed guess, just like lesser beings.

Shriek!Spiv Wars
The Gorbal Warming Swindlers are doing battle with the GW Fraudsters over peat used as compost.
   The GWS want a complete ban on its sale for gardening use, the GWF want to put a Green Bollocks tax on it and they are claiming that this will count towards zero-emissions targets.
[Which demonstrates why F is more pernicious than S. Ed.]

reader comment“If 3rd place in the Top 10 Gadgets of the Year goes to a 1,200 quid Mac laptop, the seriousness quotient evaporates to zero. And a 1,600 quid TV puts the tin lid on the whole deal.” Amonium Chais
reader comment“Sounds in the same league as paying 20 grand for an action painting by a Sarf Efrican pig, which was rescued from a slaughterhouse as a piglet.” Ketrasil Green

Surprise! Gorbal warmage is being blamed for a shortage of robins during this Festering Season.

reader comment“You have to wonder why wonks with no sense of humour Xpose themselves to comedians in clubs. It can be only in the hope of hearing something they disagree with so that they can bitch about it. What a dreadful vision for the future—a planet full of sad masochists.” Tyree Kill

UK flag + + + Crossbow inturder @ Windsor Castle + + + Police go to panic mode + + + Man claims he was just making sure Prince Hairy didn't cause any bother + + + Expected to be released, minus crossbow, as harmless nutter + + +
updateThe inturder is a mental elf who needs locking up.
So that's what will happen to him.

ragemarkerHistorical hijack
Two guys with a book to plug are claiming that Robin Hood spent his criminal career wearing Yorkshire green togs and tweaking the tail of the Sheriff of Sheffield.
   The tourist industry in Nottingham is not impressed by this attempt to nick one of its superstars, whose exploits are mainly legendary & Hollywoody, and nothing much to do with real life.

first class stampreader comment“Is Formula One now full of superstars like the ones in the world of TV wrestling with similarly spurious credentials?” Brad Behring

bulletQ: Does a TV audience of 17.6% of the population count as 'the nation' in a newspaper account of the programme concerned?
bulletA: Not anywhere near close.

marker The Swedes are now less than 1% ahead of the Brits at the top of the Europeon junk food scoffers' league table.

Far Queue symbol The Scout Association has been forced to apologize to an assistant cub scout leader for persecuting her for 2 years and inventing lies about here after she called a bearded bloke 'he' when he was pretending to be a woman.

President Boris' main defects include loyalty to people he knows and a failure to appreciate just how angry untalented people get when they see someone clever making lots of money. And then there's the mania for shoving up taxes and Green Bollocks.
   If new Brexit honcho L. Truss sees herself as a replacement for the bloke in the top job, can we assume she lacks these defects? And her reign as PM would be an era of back-stabbing, mediocre ministers, low taxes and bollocks to green bollocks?

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baseball hat Amazon talking cans are being accused of spying on kids and grooming them to nag their parents into buying more and even more costly gadgets.
   Amazon is pleading{ "No way, Guv, no way!"

baseball hat Veggie veganists are doing much the same job on grown-ups with a campaign to replace leather goods with products which cost a whole lot more and don't last anywhere near as long.
update A prime example is the mock leather seats in Tesla electric cars, which go wonky in no time flat and have to be replaced with the real leather @ great expense to the owner because Tesla is doing a "Not us, Gov," on the responsibility front.

postage stampreader comment“Take heart, Britain. The only people who are outraged by partygate are nutters who have been sent out of their minds by being locked in and left at the mercy of the interweb and their own weird obsessions. No one with more than 2 brain cells to rub together gives a monkey's.” Dustbin Hofberg
reader comment“Even so, if the Tory party has any self-respect, it will dissolve its branch in North Shropshire and leave the hissy gits to their own devices.” Ree Smogative

postage stampreader comment“Anyone hoping to pick up a bargain in the Boxing Day sales is doomed to disappointment. Almost everything went in the Bogus Black Friday Sale earlier on.” Guy Scunnered

reader comment“That actress who was moaning about feeling exploited when she does a sex scene doth protest too much. No one holds a gun to her head and she has the option of getting an honest job. But probably not one with the same amount of ego massaging.” Chemo Samual

We will crush youTwo words for youClassic Confrontation

Putin the Poisoner has two words for NATO, and the second is 'off'.

President Creaky Joe responded with, "We will crush you like . . . something easy to crush."

The world remains moderately safe as long as they continue to keep their scriptwriters in full employment.

The price of getting it wrong every time
+ + + DoomBuggers bitten on bum by own teeth + + + 'Follow the science to Xmas lock-in' only if science there + + + Science absent + + + DoomBuggers downhearted by lock-in deficit + + + 6,000 daily deaths of Chinese plague not happening + + +

sneermarkerThe way it is
Humans are brief, fragile wraiths.
Enjoying an opportunity life presents
Is wrong only to haters
Who cannot bear to see others happy
When they are miserable.
Hijack the Haters.
Dump them in the nearest active volcano.
You know this makes sense.

reader comment“I see the Pope has prayed for an end to the Chinese plague. Does that mean it's his fault for being no good at praying if it doesn't go away?” Day Munill

markerDo not protect, do not serve
A court has ruled that the College of Policing definition of what is an internet hate crime breaches freedom of expression rights, and police farces keeping lists of 'non-crime hate incidents' is illegal. The court agreed that the advice offered by the CoP is completely irrational and lacks common sense.
Kerching!The legal trade got 2 years of subs out of the whole sorry business, profiting as usual from the persecution of the innocent.

right eyeleft eyeMeaningless Wibble
"Protect the NHS" has been ruled a junk phrase after an audit revealed that the NHS has been in a permanent state of crisis ever since it fell into the hands of jobsworths, who think nothing of blowing a couple of hundred quid of taxpayers' cash on an item costing 65p, and who think covering up medical negligence is always a good idea.

WTFHLondon's hospitals are full of plague cases because most of the customers admitted to them get a complimentary dose of the Chinese plague @ the hospital.

reader comment“People are always asking if President Boris is the right man for the job. Maybe we should be asking the people who are confecting fake news rather than reporting what's really going on if they are the right people for their job. Especially if they are messing with people's lives & livelihoods for political reasons and/or personal gain.” Terak Norm

BonquersNews services here revealing that China has binned democracy in Hong Kong to make it conform with the rest of the country has upset the regime in Peking so much that it is now claiming that there was no democracy in Hong Kong until China took over in 1997. Any locals who fail to accept this will be locked up.

Bonquers Putin the Poisoners is claiming that the troops in Russian uniforms and their tanks massed at the border with Ukraine are really NATO troops & tanks trying to make him look bad. Those whom the Gods would destroy . . .

Notional Truss for ScotlandThe Unspeakable in pursuit of what, exactly?
The Notional Truss for Scotland is confident that it can confect a link to slavery between every part of Scotland, everyone who was born there, everyone who has been there and everyone who has ever heard of Scotland.
   This is part of its agenda of wasting vast amounts of charitable donations in the cause of toadying to the BLAME Bunchers and the anti-British wonks who are trying to rewrite our glorious history.
update The leaders of the NT4S have been declared Tossers of the Year for 2021.

WTFHMillipedes were eight and a half feet long 300 million years ago. Their average length is now 1.6". Man-made gorbal warmage is getting the blame for the shrinkage.

Far Queue symbolPutin the Poisoner is now claiming that massing 100,000 troops on the border with Ukraine is to prevent Ukraine from doing a Blitzkrieg and wiping out Putinstan. Lost the plot, or what!

pound coinGoes around
The nation's banks; most of them; went bust and had to be bailed out during Gordon F. Broon's reign—@ massive cost to the taxpayer and due to his failure to ensure they were adequately regulated because he was too busy cosying up to the spivs running them.
   The banks are now being hit with massive fines for failures to report essential information, money laundering and other abuses. A total of £600 MILLION has Kerchinged! into the nation's coffers thus far this month.
[Chicken feed compared to what they cost us in 2008 et seq. Ed.]

Romiley Space AuthorityDo they have no shame? None at all
markerThe James Webb space telescope, the biggest launched thus far, was lucky to get off the ground. Those People made an attempt to cancel the second head of NASA, who ran the organization for most of the 1960s and whose name the telescope bears.
   Showing a surprising amount of backbone, NASA told the objectors what they could do with their petition and the James Webb nameplate remained in place when the telescope was put beyond the reach of Those People.
   The telescope was launched from the Euro spaceport in Guyana toward its eventual destination, the Lagrange L2 position in the Sun-Earth system, on Xmas Day to give news services something to put in bulletins other than doom 'n' gloom about the Chinese plague.

More LMF
first class stampreader comment“There will always be disgruntled people in the world, ones who missed out on something other people got. And the Bollocks Broadchasing Company doing interviews with them just leaves the TV audience yawning through the whinges because we have been overloaded with them and they no longer have any impact.” Fehline Dasset

reader comment“'Everyone can help on the climate frontline' was heard at the close of a worthy BBC load of bollocks about gorbal warmage. The people who aren't causing the perceived problem ain't gonna fix it, no matter how much feel-good BS and pointless posturing they indulge in. But try telling that to the people making money out of the not so great gorbal warmage swindle.” Daryl Poolside

Eye off the main business
police helmet with bonesThe jobsworths of the Metropolitan Police, who decided not to investigate a non-party @ Downing Street last year, are now being investigated by Police Conduct jobsworths. No wonder the crime rate is so bloody high and the detection & punishment rates are so bloody lamentable.
   You might know it—some Green party wonk is behind this further abuse of the public purse. She was apparently outraged because the Met cited lack of evidence as its reason for doing nowt.
   No doubt her Green ladyship thinks they should have confected some to stick it to the Tories. Sheeesh!
reader comment“What sort of stupidity is it to arrest an attention-seeking teenage nutter on 'suspicion' of having an offensive weapon when he is busted carrying a crossbow in the grounds of Windsor Castle? Or are we supposed to believe that he could have been just holding it for a mate rather than being in possession of it himself? Sheesh!” Stab Vestibule

reader comment“Is it true that pensioners in Wales face a fine of £60 for being retired and not having a job to go to and become liable for a £60 fine if some jobsworth thinks they're in the workplace without a reasonable Xcuse?” Dai Mented

Far Queue symbolThe Court of Appeal has handed a licence to get away with it to people-smugglers who drive a boatload of illegals across the Channel. Where do they get These People?

    WEEK 5     The Last Gasp of 2021

WTFHThe chairman of the Police Federation is in the soup up to his eyebrows. 4 accusations of being a sex pest, 4 automatic convictions with zero scrutiny of evidence, busted, cancelled, good as dead careerwise.
   Welcome to the New Normal.
reader comment“Anyone remember innocent until proven guilty? No? Welcome to the New Normal.” Simon Enemy

Kerching!A barrister who persistently polluted the atmosphere in a small office by flatulating recklessly & continuously is in line for compenbloodysation. The colleague who was subjected to his gas attacks in that small office ain't.
   Welcome to the New Normal.

WTFHNo Rest For The Wicked
Yesterday's scam call came from 01206 246 625. Indian scammer pretending to be BT. He mumbled something about the internet and then rang off, leaving me hoping he'd lost the will to live suddenly.

bulletA mug has parted with $125,000 for a non-fungicidal token for the world's first text message.

Give Blood!baseball hatThe Welsh Honcho, M. Drakula, has reintroduced the Rule of Six, which means that anyone who wants to go anywhere in the Principality has to rustle up 5 other people to accompany him/her or risk a fine of £60 if they're on their tod.

markerJobsworths on the payroll
The First Meenister of Wales is a looney lefty who has been doing his best to keep the place locked in. But all he has achieved is a higher death rate from the Chinese plague than we have in England.

bullet The Junk Word of the Year has to be Clarity
It is now just a plea from the clueless to the nanny state for hand-holding and an admission of uselessness, or pointless politicking, usually by a lefty pillock,

baseball hatThere seems to be a vast sector of the catering industry creating meals which are not for consumption. Why? So that everything on offer can be put in the currently fashionable sandwiches made with leftovers.

markerMore waste of time & our money
The British Board of Film Censors has been awarded both an 'E' for 'Estupidos' rating and a 'B' for 'Berks' rating. Why? For upping the category of all sorts old films which 20th century kids were allowed to view. No wonder there are so many snoflakes around with level of state nannyism going on.

bullet Japan is having to put up with miniature chips due to a potato shortage. Most of their supply comes from Canada but the port @ Vancouver has been knocked out by floods and the spuds are @ a standstill. Gorbal warmage, natch.

Far Queue symbol Bollocks to Barnier, the EFU's negotions guy, has pronounced Brexit a lose-lose situation, which tells us all we need to know about his qualifications as a deal-maker. Bad faith on the part of the EFU side was the main road block.

Far Queue symbol The Scottish government's obsession with issuing a meaningless apology to the women who were murdered on bogus witchcraft charges 300 years ago demonstrates the pointlessness of politicians and their hirelings. Any old excuse not to focus on what's going on right now.

Scittish FlagA former honcho of Scittish Labour thinks we'll get lotz of rhubarb about another independence referendum in 2022 from both President Boris & would-be president Wee Burney Sturgeon. But it will be all talk.
   Wee Bee knows a win in unlikely because the Scottish economy will sink without subs from England and another rejection will bin her. Boris knows that if the Scots commit suicide, he will get the blame for breaking up the Union and he will end up in the bin.

eyesNo one is surprised that the Chinese government has sent to the scrapyard, the major memorial in post-democracy Hong Kong to the 9,873 people who were murdered in Tianenmen Square by the People's Xtermination Army in 1989.
   The monument is made of copper and it will be melted down and turned into either copper piping for the plumbing industry or wire for the electronics industry.
updateThe rest of the monuments to the Tianenmen dead will be gone by the end of this year, the regime has promised.

Far Queue symbol The world is getting tough on Yemen. The message is that if you keep your 7-year civil war going, you can forget aid. We are not paying for your bombs & bullets any more.

reader comment“A Hognanay dram of whisky that tastes like someone dunked their shortbread in it? Sounds like something that will appeal only to weirdos.” Redun Daunt

alienUS flagA couple of alien abductions needed?
The Democraps in the Untied States are facing a serious crisis. President Creaky Joe is talking about trying for a second term, even though he will be 81 @ the next election for his job. And the Democraps know that if they bin Joe in favour of his vice, Kamel A. Harrisment, she will be a definite loser if D. Trump runs again because she is even more unpopular than Creaky Joe.

bulletAnother blast from 2008: There was a gas crisis in Europe back then caused by some guy called . . . Butin? Which is certainly what he's putting in again right now.

markerReality bites Boris’ bum
The current relentless profiteering in the energy market could knock the wheels right off the Boris Green Bollocks Agenda. Binning it is seen by an increasing number of Tory MPs as the only way to keep gas & lecky affordable to the people who don't have a hand shoved into the public purse.
   Further investment in fossil fuels is the only reliable and possible way to keep the lights on at home and industry & commerce moving. That's fracking to use our shale gas and going back to the North Sea for oil & gas instead of relying on unreliable foreigners for them.

marker In 2021, police officers were assaulted on average 80 times per day, according to government sadistics. Tough job!

rageThe intimidation tactics seem to have worked on the jury for the G. Maxwell trial in New York. The judge's threat of locking them up until next week with no Hogmanizing made them throw in the towel and do what was wanted of them.
   Cue a lot of happy smiles on the faces of the legal trade as they count up how much they can screw out of the appeals.

Far Queue symbol J. Harries, honcho of the UK Health Security Agency, is understood to be in line for an OBE for creating bogus plague statistics to suit the needs of Health Sec. Vajid Javid, who is trying to get us locked in again.
   Her numbers have to be seen to be disbelieved, as the saying goes.

Romiley Space AuthorityBunkum & Bluff
baseball hat The government is eager to launch the first ever rocket to orbit from British soil when The Queen's platinum jubilee comes around next June. Only it will be a con job.
   If Virgin gets the gig, the rocket carrying a satellite of some sort will actually be fired from an aircraft rather than the ground. Thus the spaceport in Cornwall will serve as nothing more than a runway for Virgin Orbit's Boeing 747 launcher. And the job could as easily have been done from Heathrow or Gatwick.

BonquersFeta, formerly FakeBuk, is planning to merge the real world and virtual worlds seamlessly as part of its plan to dominate the universe. The government is now frantically looking for ways to stick spanners in the works to prevent the snoflake generation from being sent even further over the edge and even further out of touch with reality.

eyes Firms hoping to win a government contract will be banned from using HD or Ultra-HD video for presentations on spurious 'saving the world by using less energy' grounds.
   Singing: 10 Green Bollocks standing on the wall . . .

tick symbolActor person D. Craig is to get a CMG** because I. Fleming gave one to his fictional spy J. Bond. Cute or what!
[**Call Me God. Ed.]

tick symbol
cross symbol

A think tank has guestimated that the Tory Big Government approach to the Chinese plague pushed 900,000 customers into poverty in the last year.
   Calculations based on what Labour has been demanding in the way of locking in and how Labour blows the economy to bitz when in power indicate that Sirk Reepy & Co. would have impoverished 4,290,000 customers in the same time period.

cross symbol
tick symbol

doggiebulletDespite much baying by the clarity tendency, the hunting fraternity was out in force on Xmas Monday and most of the participants, pro & sab, had a nice day for it.

bulletBoxing Day's sales turned out to be something of a bust. Most of the good stuff went in Black Friday sales in November and most things were cheaper back then.

bulletShould H.M. The Queen not survive to next June, the insurance industry will go bust, such is the amount of policy coverage taken out for platinum jubilee events.

rage“Always look on the doom side of life!”
"The next time could be far worse," a DoomBugger said of the latest inturder @ Windsor Castle. On the other hand, the next nutter could be intercepted just as efficiently as the guy with the crossbow was. Or the stoopid irriot might fall and break his/her neck when climbing over a fence and do the legal trade out of a bonus day. Equally likely.

cross symboltick symbol Holding football matches behind closed doors has been found to be a highly effective way to reduce abuse aimed @ under-performing non-white players. Unfortunately, it is also an excellent recipe for driving football into Xtinction.

reader comment“Don't you just wish the government would go bollocks neutral instead of pretending to go carbon neutral?” Dan Drift

markerGrab it whilst it’s going!
presentTaiwan's earlier immigrants are taking advantage of the communist Chinese on the mainland, who are trying to get minorities on-side for a takeover.
   Unfortunately, the non-Chinese minorities know what the mob in Peking are doing to the Moslems in the north-west of China, and so they are just enjoying plane rides and a spot of hospitality before returning home to their reservations to carry on yelling, "We shall not be moved!"
meanwhiletank Putin the Poisoner is having to send his Ukraine invasion force home 3 or 4 battalions at a time to keep then on-side. This is being spun as de-escalation and no one is supposed to be impolite enough to notice that when one lot of Putinstani troops heads home, another lot returns to take their place.
meanwhile The Talibandits in Afghanistan have declared the members of the election oversight commission redundant as terrorist states don't need elections.
   The ministry of peace and the parliamentary affairs ministry have also been consigned to the Brown Hole as a terrorist state needs neither peace nor a parliament.
meanwhile1 euro coin Poland is facing an involuntary Polexit from the EFU as it continues to defy what is sees as Germany's attempt to turn the EFU into its Fourth Reich. Poland could also be evicted for not paying massive fines for ignoring EFU laws that the Poles find inconvenient, and not paying further massive fines for not paying the original massive fines.
   Nice to see them getting on so well together.
meanwhile Iran, which doesn't yet have nuclear weapons, is doing a North Korea and testing its missiles to dare other rogue states, e.g. Israel, which does have nuclear weapons, to try something if they think they're hard enuff.

Prethetic posturebulletPutin the Poisoner trying to look tough by holding the hand of a stuffed bear has qualified him for the Prethetic Posturing Pussy of the Year Award for 2021.

bulletQ: How does England get away with not going into lock-in when Northern Ireland, Scitland & Wales have done it?
bulletA: Because when the rest of the UK goes bust because all the businesses are closed and all the potential customers are locked in and there is no cash being generated, the usual suspects will have to be bailed out by the English taxpayer, as usual, and that won't happen if we are Skiving @ Home too.

Far Queue symbol Apparently the phrase "Let's go, Brandon" now means: "FK Joe Biden". The president himself seems not to be aware of this, which is probably for the best.
meanwhile His vice, Kamel A. Harrisment, is busting a gut to go flying round the world, glad-handing with other people's cash. Something she has been unable to do this year due to Creaky Joe's lack of any wish to leave D.C.

Far Queue symbol Russia has abolished 'uman bluddy rights there by cancelling all the reforms introduced by Gospodin Gorb O'Chov after the collapse of communism 30 years ago.

marker‘Poor Little Stinker in Space’ card played & repeated
China is testing its space station as a weapon against satellites run by other countries. It has given 2 of Marsman Musk's communication satellites near misses whilst issuing claims of being the missee rather than the misser. Surprisingly, the rest of the world has not taken the complaints at all seriously.
updateMarsman Musk has put 1,900 satellites into orbit and he's planning to add another 38,100 to complete his communications network, which will give the Chinese space station more targets than it can shake a stick at.

baseball hatThe NHS is on course to waste over 6,500 tons of food this year, as it did last year, despite offering some of the usual BS about doing better year on year.
   It seems that the management is not bovvered about ditching grub which cost the taxpayer millions of pounds as the practice is not out of line with waste in other parts of the public sector.

rain manBelow the line mission statement: Some of the above is true. BFN is recognized as a premiere class observational blog and a multiple winner of the OB of the Year award.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium.
© RAL, December MM21 like anyone cares