WEEK 1   Millions of people can be wrong —and are depressingly frequently

 
Live high or miss out
With a cost of living crisis looming, what are some people doing about it? Certainly not battening down the hatches. Having been deprived of their freedom and loaded with locked-in unspent dosh, a lot of people are opting for a real splurge whilst they have the chance in a lull between catastrophes—and sod tomorrow, even if it means stepping off the cruise liner or the holiday jet to embrace poverty.

Putin fears being bin Ladened? Sanity Clause urgently needed?
Putinstan is now claiming that it has 150,000 troops surrounding the eastern part of Ukraine because the Blessed Leader is worried about a Blitzkrieg Mk II by NATO sweeping him out of Moscow and his Black Sea palace into exile in . . . wherever will have him.

The Putinstani state broadcaster, RT**, has put its fake news department on overtime. Same with the State Hacking & Cybercrime Bureau.
[**Russkie Tosh. Ed.]

The Causing Death by Dangerous Driving law is to be extended to cover reckless and lunatic cyclists, especially morons riding a dangerous bike with no brakes.

No-Neck McGurk—the Ultimo fashion piss-take?     ------>
This is definitely putting the 'dosh' into doshan.
   Would anyone in the real world wear something like this? No, but lots of attention-seekers who aren't bothered by people laughing at them might, especially the ones who will go to any length to get noticed @ an awards do, etc.

Not so much lost as discarded
Anyone have any proportionality to spare? The Police of the Metrolopis and their dotty leader have none at all. Did they ever have any? Not for at least 25 years, since corrupt blair labour began to dismantle standards in public life.
“Dockson's agenda—to make the £2.5 MILLION wasted on Operation Nonce Finder Midland look like lunch money.” Desi Cated

The decision taken by Police Scotland 5 years ago to ignore cannabis use has created a small plague of psychos, who have abused the drug to the point of mental damage. Hospital confinements are up by 74% since 2016.
   Public Health Scotland is not amused.

Truth with Strewth!
US pop legends N. Young & J. Mitchell have removed their catalogue from the streaming service SpottyFly in protest at the amount of misinformation on offer about the Chinese plague & vaccination.
   Spottyfly has waved goodbye to them on commercial grounds as it is making more dosh out of the fake news merchants.

More Labour stealth taxation plans
Sir Beery Steamer is consulting rejected prime monster G.F. Broon over more things that can be devolved to the Scottish parliament whilst still being paid for by English taxpayers. This is a shameless attempt to buy more votes north of the border.

China has upset the EFU by cancelling Slovenia for recognizing Taiwan as an independent nation. The same happened to Lithuania for the same reason.
   The EFU is making noises @ the World Trade Organization, but nothing much is Xpected to come out of it.

We are invited to accept that child criminals in conflict with the law are still children. Fine. But they are still criminals. Let us not lose sight of that.

Fob them off; there’s nowt they can do about it
The regime in Wee Burneystan is in trouble for ignoring the recommendations of MSPs who investigated the TWO catastrophic fires which destroyed most of the iconic Glasgow School of Art.
   "Ignore until it goes away" is the policy which the SNP uses to let Scotland down at every opportunity. All Wee Bee's minions have to offer is some BS about stakeholders. Wot next for a bonfire? Edinburgh Castle?

3,200,000,000,000 metric tons of CO₂ in the atmosphere
Greenpeas is up in arms about the empty 'ghost flights' which airlines are having to make to keep up their operating rights @ major airports.
   The figure of 2.1 megatons of carbon dioxide is being hurled around. That's 0.00006% of the carbon dioxide content of the atmosphere. Not something to be overly excited about compared to the output of Chinese & Indian coal-fuelled power stations.

Q: Is Britain in limbo over Sugar Ray's partygate frivolity report—or the lack of its publication?
A: No one gives a rat's arse about it other than the wonks in the Westmonster Bubble, the fake news merchants and selfish control freaks.
   Hope we didn't leave anyone out but no doubt it will give them an opportunity for another whinge if we did.

Lock-in divorces are creating a boom time for the legal trade. Could this be why Sirb Eeery, a lawyer, is so keen to get everyone locked-in as much as possible? 'Coz he thinks there are votes to be grabbed from it?

Q: Is there a poor little stinker card big enuff for Putin the Poisoner to play?
A: If there is, he couldn't afford to buy it.

Q: If you started driving cars @ the age of 12 in 1950 and you didn't bother with details like passing the driving test and insurance, for how long could you expect to get away with it?
A: A bloke in the Nottingham policing area managed it for 71 years before an automatic numberplate check got him busted.

Just 5.8% of reported crimes result in a charge by the police. That's 5.8% of 6 million crimes per year and not convictions, the rate for which probably raise the chances of getting away with it to 98%.

Urban hazard
Xperts are working on a distinctive noise to alert pedestrians to the fact that they are about to be run over by an idiot on a silent electric scooter.
   Police farces are warning that people who arm themselves with a water pistol containing a corrosive substance, e.g. thick bleach, will get no sympathy if they irrigate a vexatious scooterist.
“Maybe no sympathy from the fuzz, but definitely from a jury.” Jen Psartist
“And 8-10 MILLION quid of our money blown on an advertising campaign to let the public know what the warning noise sounds like?” Uppa Rand

Q: Is it a Bad Thing that the government machine is in a paralytic pause over Dockson of Dick Green poking an unwelcome nose into partygate?
A: Given that everyone is safer when burrocraps & politicians are NOT doing anything, it can only be a Good Thing!

The Unluckiest Stooge of the Year Award has to go to the airline pilot in Florida, who won a raffle for a seat on a 2-minute trip to space on one of Marsman Musk's jaunts, only to be told that @ 23½ stones, he's too heavy for the SpaceX rocket to get him off the ground and he had to give the ticket to a mate.

Q: Would anyone go to a pantomime called Snow And The Seven after the cancellers have had their way?
A: Maybe those overwhelmed by curiosity might. There's certainly scope for something extraordinary there.

“The New Statesman has felt obliged to do an extensive survey of class. Total waste of time. The attitudes and behaviour of most people around the world today indicate that there is precious little of it anywhere.” Hube Risk

Q: What's a sure way to get off everything from speeding to genocide if you're busted?
A: Claim you're a victim of modern slavery.

The University of Chester has concluded that its students are too wonky to read Harley Porter children's books without receiving trigger warnings that they may find that the boox contain ideas that upset poor little stinquers.

Anything goes
Anything you want, they can Xcuse it. Want to drink lotz of booze? There are Xperts who will tell you it's okay. Want to drink none? Ditto.
   Want to claim the very thought of other people being allowed to booze without your permission destroys your mental 'elf? Ditto. Ain't Xperts fab!

Turn about is fairy nuff
The thing about the United Nations is that everyone gets a go. So putting nuke-crazy North Korea in charge of its nuclear weapons abolition forum makes perfect sense to the stooges running the UN. An arsonist as the new boss of the fire brigade? That's the UN for you.

Taking the ‘can’ out of Canada
Truckers there are up in arms 'coz the joke president, J. Troudeau, has decided that they shouldn't be allowed to work if they haven't been vaccinated against the Chinese plague.
   As a spin-off, anti-vaxxers from the Untied States are flooding across the border to join in the protests. No doubt the Mounties are jumping with joy.

“Something to tell a Moaning Minnie—If what I'm doing narks you, then it has all been worthwhile!” Alimi Matal

“When is Sirk Reepy going to give an account of all his locked-in boozing sessions to the police? If he's been caught out once, it has to be one among many.” Smor Gasboard

Q: Why do politicians like Sirb Eery & Angelica Robot think that the thing about people in glass houses not throwing stones doesn't apply to them?
A: Because they know they won't have to pay for replacing the shattered glass. That's what taxpayers, a.k.a. Mugs Anonymous, are for.

Putting the ‘piracy’ into conspiracy
Part 1: Confecters Crushed
President Boris has commissioned the construction of a time machine to let the government get on the right track @ the very start with the Chinese plague and make all the outrage confected mainly by Remoaners go away. Hooray!
   Part 2: The Revenge of the Boris!
All the pundits were yelling for the coming rise in National Insurance to get the chop but President Boris is going ahead with it. Could this be his response to all the BS flak he's received over ancient socializing that was nothing to do with him?
   It certainly comes out of the same box as Dockson of Dick Green's quote farcical unquote Major Incident Declaration over partygate trivia during locks-in.
   Part 3: More Revenge of the Boris!
Chancellor Snack is getting the blame for the Treasury's unretrieved plague loan losses of over £4 BILLION as his reward for disloyalty. He has been named & shamed as the roadblock to a Notional Crime Agency investigation of the fraudsters.
   Mr. Snack is now being positioned as embarrassed, doing nothing and hoping that the ishue will just go away so that he can continue with his Next Tory Leader campaign.

Q: Sportswashing?
A: The Chinese regime hiring a PR firm to offer potential medal-winners in other countries $1,500 to say something nice about this month's Winter Olympics on auntie-social meeja.
Q: Like?
A: The Peking Olympics will bring world peace, prosperity & blissful happiness to everyone and make the BLAME Bunchers & their ilk redundant.

More to come
An epidemic of measles is Xpected when schools are reopened and international travel resumes as parents have neglected to get their offspring vaccinated in sufficient numbers to contain the world's most transmissible virus.

Q: There's somewhere called "Quiyiv" in the news at the moment but I can't find it on a map. A clue?
A: It's what BBC wonks are calling Kiev, the capital of Ukraine, for no apparent reason.

“What are universities like Chester doing, taking money off gullible mugs who feel threatened by the unreal life of a Harley Porter story for children? On the other hand, whatever happened to the concept of university students being young adults in the making?” Rick Torn

Owners of electric cars face a serious hazard when they become more ubloodybiquitous—being sued by clumsy buggers who deliberately trip over the cable between their vehicle and a street charging point.

Q: The initials HRT?
A: Horse Retirement Tennis.

Q: Wrapper question: "Why don't Penguins (bisquits) like rock music? Because they only like sole." What is wrong with this?
A: Sole are found in the Eastern Atlantic Ocean and not anywhere near Antarctica & places where penguins live. Which only goes to show that fake news is everywhere.

Swings & Arrows
Shirk @ Home is being seen as a Giant Step Forward for blokes in the work environment. The absence from the workplace of women has an enhancing effect on their natural invisibility, the Xperts and top female Xecutives have found.
   When promotions are on offer, only visible blokes will be considered and femmes will be left gnashing their teeth on the sidelines and cursing the plague.
One femme, who has resisted invisibility, is insisting that the government should ditch EFU safe investment regulations and let companies throw their shareholders' cash @ all sorts of green bollocks scams.
   Shades of Fred the Shred and the strategies which drove the banking industry into the ground—with the help of Scotch Gordon, who spent his time cosying up to bankers instead of regulating them.

Q: Whatever happened to the all-singing, all-dancing Wragge Wrevolution, led by our local MP Willy, what was going to take over The Universe?
A: Our locally led peasants' revolt seems to have fizzled out and gone phutt.
Never mind, there'll be another along in a minute. The latest is from the South-West of England, the Cream Teas Putsch.

The BS Special Task Force asks:
“Would it be possible to set the cancellers on the self-obsessed control freaks who had a miserable time when the plague was rampant and keep on sounding off because others didn't?
   “They need to be made aware that their lives are nothing to do with those of other people and the others don't have to keep looking over their shoulder @ the control freaks and modifying their mood accordingly.” Nomo Djoe

Problem Solved President Boris is right to insist that the 1.25% rise in National Insurance has to go ahead in April as the cash raised will almost fill the Brown Hole created in the nation's accounts by plague loan fraud & PPE ordering blunders.
“Either the green bollocks goes or Boris goes. Simple choice.” Karen Karelia

Cute as well as cunning
The Xperts reckon it might be possible to turn carnivores away from meat & dairy by bombarding them with veggie substitutes in eateries so that they take the easy way out and try the substitutes instead of making the effort to track down real food.

Hold yer horses, Komrades!
The Irish fishing fleet has put Putinstan's navy to flight. The plan to hold a sail-about with missles off the west coast of Ireland as an exercise in intimidation against the EFU had to be abandoned after 60 trawler captains threatened to join in and get in the way.
   "Push off and play somewhere else," the Putinstanis were told, and they will!

Hands up everyone who thought ex-prince Hairy & Mhegan the Merciless would abandon SpottyFly's zillions and take a stand against anti-vaxx propaganda?
   No one? Surprise!

Rachel prejudice or rachel preference? A simple choice.

Q: Why are crApps free to download?
A: Because they are basically drains into which you are Xpected to hurl vast amounts of dosh.

Sir Beery: No Glass, No Class As well as no shame Show you're better than him For customers with discrimination! Romiley Fine Glassware, 23c Riverside Drive Serb Eery’s mystery over his drug history 1. He's trying to look cool & mysterious by ignoring questions following up the cute hints that he dropped 2. He was always too wiped out ever to remember what he took & when and he doesn't want to be inaccurate, being a lawyer 3. He's a man with no shame for all the things he should be ashamed of

Treating customers injured by electric scooters is costing the NHS and the taxpayer £900,000 per year at the rate noted in June 2021.

Putting things in proper & legal perspective
Sir Beery Steamer is now being positioned as a political weather vane. Given his record for focussing only on trivialities like cakegate, the Rule of the Vane will be: If the Beery One is fulminating, then the issue has to be trivial and nothing to bother about.
   The Clarity & Transparency Lobby is reported to be absolutely delighted by this innovative enhancement to Britisch politics.

Sure thing
As the bean-counters argue over the number of trees flattened by Storms Malicious & Chaos @ the end of January, lotz of bets are being laid that the tree total from the next storm surge episode will be relatively trivial.
   The gamblers are assuming that there can't be that many wonky ones left, especially in Scotland, when 2021's final pair—Storm Atrocious @ the end of November & Storm Bugger @ beginning of December—are taken into account.
   Gorbal Warmists are being invited to put their money where their mouth is and place a bet on higher totals, season on season, if their predictions of unavoidable catastrophe are worth anything.

Culture consequence
Video streaming firms are reporting a surge of interest in the films of the German director Fritz Lang whenever the news meeja mention an entertainer called Oti Mabuse—often after a whinge on auntie-social meeja.
   Students of cinema generally begin with the 2-part Dr. Mabuse, the Gambler, The Testament of Dr. Mabuse and The 1000 Eyes of Dr. Mabuse before going on to M starring Peter Lorre, Spione and Fury, Herr Lang's first effort in the Untied States.

Our hatches are being battened down for what is being trailed as a cost of living crisis like no other in the whole history of The Universe. Any useful ideas from the Opposition parties? Not a one; other than put them in charge. But putting the 'over' into poverty has never exactly been the Labour way. It's always the G.F. Broon policy of tax 'n' spend 'n' waste.

The Push of the Moment
It's to make tech firms and banks responsible for all the cash scammed off their customers via their online platform. The proponents of the plan expect this to end online fraud in short order.
   BFN suspects that it will just divert the fraudsters to reinventing themselves as bogus defrauded customers and real customers will end up paying for them via even higher prices & fees.

One step sideways, one step backwards
Electric cars are not less polluting than proper ones after all, the Enviroment Sec. has confessed. The weight of all them batteries is harder on their brakes & tyres than those of lighter vehicles.
   As a result, there is less exhaust-sourced pollution but a hell of a lot more tyre bitz and microparticles of brake dust flying around.

Doing the job differently
What do you get when you buy Queen's Jubilee souvenir mugs, plates, etc. from China? Stuff celebrating her 'Jubbly'. Which can still be sold off—to people who want to have a laugh at Chinese quality control standards.

The not-so-great insulation scam
Forcing people to abandon gas and insulate their homes will have no measurable effect on climate change because we are not causing the advertised problem. It's China, India, the United States and the rest of the world that's pumping the significant amounts of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.
   The problem here is that government policies are preventing us from having sufficient energy at affordable prices which can be regulated by our government. That's why people are being told to blow vast amounts of cash on insulation. So that they use less energy, which they can't afford anyway, and create the illusion that the government is providing sufficient of it when the reverse is true.

“It's all about appearances in Downing Street and nothing to do with whether people are doing a competent job. That's the depressing thing about the current Trivialities Boom.” Chix Dagrash
“The government's in trouble. Change the colour of the lipstick.” Kurman Karandash

The Enviromint Sec. doesn't believe he can get away with banning barbeques just yet, but it has to be on the list of Things To Come.

The Cost of Living Crisis could have the unexpected benefit of uncancelling BOGOF offers on items disapproved of by the nation's unwanted nanny.

The attempts to deprive the food industry of the carbon dioxide that it needs for its processes have been thwarted. The government has done a deal with the US owner of a major production plant in England.

Q: What's a good way to push Sirb Eery's panic button?
A: Start remembering all the failings of the Can't Prosecute Service when he was the Dir. of Pub. Prostitutions and responsible for the actions of the wonks who didn't prosecute to the max, Savile the paedophile when they had the chance and Warboys, the black cab rapist, and all the rest. Remember that he did an apology for all the defects and he will go gang-busters in all directions.
“If President Boris is to blame for everything the minions do, then the same has to apply to Sirb Eery. If he was in charge when the minion screwed up, it's on him. End of.” Ant Blink
“He claims that leadership is about taking responsibility, and 'the culture' starts @ the top. How strange that a lawyer thinks that doesn't apply to him.” Oleg Bohemia
“Hoist with his own pomposity.” Cash Cones

Q: Has living through the Chinese plague pandemic told us anything about our fellow citizens?
A: Not really. It has reminded us that there are a lot of good people around. It has also reminded us that there are a lot of selfish whingers in search of something to be annoyed about and hypocritical politicians ready to confect something for them if they think it will be to the politician's personal benefit.
   But these are all things that we knew already.
Q: The old plus ça change thing?
A: In one.

Q: Do we care that a former t.b. liar fund-raiser has been ordered to go to gaol for living it up in Portugal instead of handing a wodge of cash to his ex-wife, an Austrian princess whose great-grandfather was instrumental in starting World War I?
A: Not particularly.
Q: 'Instrumental'?
A: He got himself assassinated in Sarajevo.
Q: Does the absconder have mental 'elf ishues?
A: By the bucketful.
Q: How does Mr. liar come in to it?
A: He doesn't. He's just there as padding for the story.

Q: How do you get away with unfortunate episode of totally casual rachelism on US TV?
A: Be as apocalyptic as the woke Whoops! Goldberg.

Abnormal service
The Metropolitan Police have done the right thing by not charging with murder, a bloke who rammed a killer with his car in a vain attempt to save the victim's life.
   However, this attack of good sense is Xpected to be an isolated incident and Dockson of Dick Green's minions are Xpected to resume normal service immediately.

Q: Is it a grievous crime that the invisible & treacherous Chancellor, Mr. Snack, has made himself enormously wealthy?
A: Only in the eyes of envious socialist Labour MPs, who lack the gumption and the work ethic to do the same.

Today's Wisdom: Life is too short to follow witterings on Twatter

Culture Vulture Sec. N. Dorries has dismissed the Tory rebels as a handful of egos who want to make everything all about them. Which sounds about right—not just about the Tories concerned but also about 99% of the nation's Boohoo Buggers.
[Allowing a generous margin for the handful with a half-decent whinge. Ed.]

Another of them boox by an insider has revealed that it's Scary Carrie who is responsible for the Downing Street Culture that got President Boris into bother with the selfish mob of people who want everyone to be as miserable as them.
   She was in charge of the home front, after successfully evicting the career psychopath Dangerous Dom, whilst Boris was dealing with the Chinese plague and Russian world domination attempts and all the important stuff, Tory grandee Lord Ashcroft reckons.
The amount of flak from the Carrie faithful suggests that his lordship is not too wide of the mark!

Tools of the Trade
Sir Beery Steamer [right] prepares for "Questions to the Prime Minister", safely spaced from everyone and everything but truly essential equipment.

Ulster sez NO! to the EFU's attempts to prevent free trade between the various parts of the Untied Kingdom.

Clonk only with wonk
The morons running the Britisch army have banned soldiers from killing members of enemy forces until they have established the target's pronouns.
   "Operation Teamwork will ensure that all diversity conditions are met with respect to enemy casualty lists," the Army's Head of Diversity has pledged.

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WEEK 2   Everyone can PRETEND to make a difference —but those who can probably won’t

 
Marked Decline
Feta, the envelope for FakeBuk, WhatCrapp, etc., is losing customer enthusiasm big time as it struggles to get its corporate head around the practicalities of the virtual metaverse, which the boss, M. Suckerberg, is demanding from his minions as the Domain of the Future.

The Home Sec. has declared that the burgalry detection rate of our local copfarce, Greater Manchester Police, is unacceptably crap and a blot on the landscape. Which won't stop the bastards demanding an even bigger ransom from council taxpayers come April.

+ + + Sirb Eery Steamer taken into police custody outside Parliament 'in national interest' + + + Essential riot-prevention tactic, say police + + +
“How curious that the lawyerly Sirb Eery didn't realize that when he started hurling mud pies, he'd get splashed as well. Welcome to the real world, mate!” Marco Breadroll

Drive & Die!
The interior of the average motor vehicle, Xperts @ Aston University have concluded after Xtensive testing, is the most dangerous place on The Planet. It is a veritable cesspit of junk contaminated with bacteria of all sorts, including the most dangerous & disgusting ones.
“There's a use for your still-boxed or used but still okay PPE gadgets—keeping yourself safe if you accept a lift from someone!” L.M. B'dadge

According to Whoops! Goldberg, the of-colour femme with the Jewish name, rachelism is about white people oppressing black people only. No other alternatives are available. No blacque people involved, no rachelism. Simple or simplistic. Take your pick.

Putting the ‘bing’ into hobnobbing
The Putinstani manoeuvres and shooting off of shells around Ukraine are expected to last for at least 6 more weeks. That's how big the stock of ammunition @ its sell-by date has grown.
The number of troops Putin the Poisoner has parked near Ukraine keeps going up and up in news reports. 130,000 and rising, at the last eyeful.

Taxpayers' money wasted by the NHS on panicdemic buying and fraud from Chinese plague relief schemes have increased the National Debt by 17.9%. That is one hell of a lot of billions.

Q: Are women allowed to do manifesting? Whatever that is.
A: It's pretending you'll get something just by imagining you'll get it. The idea that you can get something for nothing seems to trump sexual bias, as far as femmes are concerned, and including 'man' is okay.
   On the down side, it makes everything that happens, especially the bad things, the femme's own fault, which doesn't Xactly do wonders for their mental 'elf. But they can always blame it on the 'man' presence.
Q: Anything to do with manifesto?
A: The political notion that voting for some chancer, rather than a genuine changer, will give you everything you can dream of at the expense of other people is a similar concept containing much the same con.

Q: Do we really need to worry about UFOs?
A: Only if they are crewed by FROGs.
Q: ?
A: Foreign Racial Galactic Scoundrels.
[See Raumpatrouille Orion, a 7-episode 1960s SF cult series from Bayern TV. Ed.]
“In the year 3000, you can have 4,000 streamed channels to choose from—and you will be able to do it telepathically!! Lots of black&white films on offer.” Helma Krap
“So not that much different from what's on offer now? Apart from the telepathy.” Jacoby Smog

Philosophy According to Sir Beery Steamer: Lawyerly double standards are twice as good as plebeian single ones.
“Attention Sir Beer—If you play the Nasty Bastard Card, you don't get to play the Poor Little Stinker Card when it all comes back and bites you. Them's the rulz.” P. Hairy Mandelswine
“It certainly restores a bit of faith in The Universe to see a posturing git like Serb Eery drenched by the backwash of his own hypocrisy.” Trudi Falsch

Sir Beery outed in reputation-trashing memoir by discarded aide as the real evil spectre behind Downing Street parties! Much speculation over which Labour Machiavelli gave him this idea for making the Tories look bad.

Proposition: The legal trade is a circular swindle.
Proof: Lawyers Xist to interpret in their customer's favour, badly drafted laws & contracts created by . . . other lawyers.
Q.E.D.

North Korea's government websites have been hacked to a standstill by some jobless bloke in America, who sits up all night making a monkey out of Kimland.

MSPs are demanding an audit of fire protection legislation & funding because the SNP regime has no interest in protecting the country's historic buildings—as evidenced by TWO major fires @ the iconic Glasgow School of Art.
   The Scittish Fire & Rescue Service has spent FOUR YEARS on deciding that there was too much damage by the second fire to let it track down a cause. An immense amount of old rope could have been bought with all the cash blown on this.
   Wee Burney Sturgeon thinks it is a good idea to spend £300,000 on chopping the bottom part off 2,000 doors in Scottish schools to make them draughty hell-holes in the name of increasing ventilation as an anti-Chinese plague measure.
   Scottish fire brigades have pointed out that having doors that can't be closed properly will help to burn a school to the ground completely and quickly in the event of a fire. Wee Bee still thinks her idea is basic common sense. How very Kreepy of her.

A Nation Celebrates—modestly
Sir Kier was here, and now we have no beer.
He left us when he'd got himself quite pissed.
But raise a cheer, make it a mocking jeer!
We've found a bottle that the old soak missed!
[to the tune of Oh, Canada!]

+ + + President MacRon offers standard French plan to prevent invasion of Ukraine + + + Immediate surrender to Putinstan will end threat + + + "Truck off" Pres. Trudeau tells anti-vaxxers in Ottawa + + + Nation's capital in paralysed gridlock due to Yankee invaders + + + 2 weeks of disruption now + + + Mediation visit offered by MacRon described as "[censored] unhelpful" by Canadians + + +

More on our National Hero—or is it moron?
There once was a Steamer called Kreepy
Who was prone to be narked & quite weepy.
It was due to his fear that he'd run out of beer
Before he came over all sleepy.
“We're here because we're beer, because we're here because we're beer!” Misan Men

Get it right!
An extra bank holiday, or Thank Holiday, to mark The Queen's 70 years in the job? As always, the skivers have got it the wrong way round. Doing an extra day's work would be a much more fitting tribute to H.M.'s seven decades of service and putting up with some truly appalling politicians and subjects.
“Whatever, we still need a Bonk Holiday on Trafalgar Day to remind the appalling French & Spanish that if they get uppity, we will tonk them.” Peter Visage

Salaries? Up mine but not up yours!
The Gov. of the Bonk of England, on a stonking £575,538 p.a., is insisting that the peasants should not ask for higher wages in the face of rising prices.
   If they do, he'll shove up the bank base rate again in the name of tackling inflation and see how they like that.

Putinstan is being mocked for attempting to create a war-justifying video on a budget of only $35,000. Sacked or corrupt senior Ukrainian police officers were put in charge of confecting outrage with mock battle scenes, blazing tyres and buckets & bucketz of fake blood.
   A separate scam involving drones manufactured in Turkey to pretend that NATO is involved is still on the drawing board.

‘No good guy dies’ strategy
Ameriqua, President Creaky Joe has announced, has come up with a new tactic for dealing with leaders of Islamist terror groups. It starts with leaking blood-curdling threats of what will happen after his capture to the intended target.
   He is then surrounded with troops, who shoot up his compound a bit and leave him with no way out. The criminal is then left to blow himself up, with any handy members of his family, to make the world a better place.

Starving us into submission?
Putinstani hackers have disrupted the ordering and despatch services of the KP Foods plant in Slough. Normal distribution of nutz and crispz will not now resume until the end of March.
   This is seen as a retaliation-free morale-sapping tactic by the regime in Putinstan as treats like the ones on offer from KP Foods are not available there and the population cannot be deprived of something it never enjoys by a tat-for-git hack on the People's Food Plant.

This is how the Dept. of Health sees New Normal working
Official Version: I am Shirking @ Home on four days per week because I have a wellbeing reason."
Translation: "I cannot be arsed to go to work on most days."

Former Downing Street aide for 14 years M. Mirza, who flounced out of her policy chief job on the world's most unconvincing pretext, is now being positioned as another Desperate Dom.
   Menacing Munira is said to be staking a claim to the role of Master of the Universe Behind the Scenes. Which is bad news for Desperate Dom. Or maybe he will thrive with a bit of competition to sharpen him up.
“It will be interesting to see who wins if their memoirs are published in the same week. Instant hit or instant charity shop job.” A. Spire

Deadleg’s destination of choice
Hulk Hogan Hyphen-Howe, who was a as big a disaster as head of the Met as the Brazilian-Killer Dockson of Dick Green has turned out to be, is bidding for the top job @ the Notional Crime Agency, Britain's equivalent of the Federal Bureau of Instigation.
[Dockson's next destination after she gets the boot? Ed.]

ITMA**
Frère Kreepy, Frère Kreepy,
Boozer vous? Boozer vous?
Time to ring last orders!
Time to ring last orders!
All fall down. All fall down.
[to the tune of Frère Jacques]
[It's That Man Again, 1930s/40 show on the steam wireless. Ed.]

Swing & Arrows Dept.:
The boy Chancellor gives Band A-D houses a £150 hand-out of other people's money to pay for energy. The council gobbles up over half of it to shove in its Brown Hole.

No work, no reward
The Financial Conduct Authority is upsetting the minions & their trade union by freezing the pay of 4,000 of the ones who are making no effort to earn what is now a routine bonus of 10-12% of their salary.
   The concept of linking performance to rewards has aghasted the whole tribe of FCA minions and set other civil servants trembling in their boots. Natch, their unions are waving their discredited 'custom & practice' cards and yelling "Foul, Ref!" at the concept of their members being required to earn the cash they cop from the taxpayer.

We're still trying to work out how posh boy Sir Kreepy Steamer being jeered at by a bunch of looney lefties outside Parliament has anything to do with President Boris.

Q: Is Feta's boss, M. Suckerberg, likely to be down in the dumps 'coz his shares for the FakeBuk envelope are going down whilst those of Amazon boss J.B. Zoss are soaring?
A: Despite what the financial journalists would like you to think is going on, Mr. Suckerberg is still worth more dosh than you can shake a stick at, and what goes down goes back up in different market conditions.

He’s still there, then?
President Boris's minions held office parties with workmates when there were regulations in force to prevent strangers as well as distant family members from mixing and spreading the Chinese plague. That got Sir Beery Steamer yelling at Boris to resign.
   Sirb Eery had a run-in with a lynch mob which was after the paedophile's friend's blood thanks to the failings of his minions—much more serious ones—for which he had pompously taken the responsibility. Is he going to resign? One guess.

Q: Pay £14/month to British Gas Homecare for boiler repair insurance and what do you get?
A: Absolutely bugger all, tens of thousands of customers have found. But the company has apologized to all those who are Shivering @ Home.
[Much good that will do them. Ed.]

Cheats' Charter
Question previews and even more generous marking will mean that any schoolkid who fails to get at least an A grade in their A-level exams will have to be a total dunce or just not bovvered.

Q: What do you get if you and your father keep a bloke enslaved for 40 years in a small shed?
A: Away with it.

Sex addiction as an alibi, a much respected medical Xpert reckons, just don't wash. It's a bogus condition with no medical standing, despite all the current double-talk about oxytoxin, used by those trying to shed responsibility for rank bad behaviour.

Go? No Way!
Dockson of Dick Green would have us believe that she asks herself regularly, after each disaster, if she should resign. But she's still boss of the Met 'coz she thinks she's still the bee's knees. Although there may be a degree of personal bias in her reasoning. Smashtag ^UnreliableWitness
Whither Dockson now that she's been winkled out of her job & binned? Haus of Frauds next stop? Sounds daft enuff to happen.

Q: Is it a surprise that ex-prince Hairy's latest Address to The Universe was nothing but psychobabble?
A: There would have been surprise only if he'd offered anything that made sense.

The Daily Mirror (Labour propaganda sheet) is trying to confect outrage about another ancient party. Yawn.

Putting the ‘dang’ into fandango
Something else gorbal warming fraudsters would prefer that we didn't know about electric vehicles is that as well as producing as much pollution as an internal combustion-powered vehicle, their greater mass & inertia means that they are much more likely to kill and seriously maim people in another car in the event of a crash.
   Stick that on a virtue flag and put the one about reducing carbon emissions at half mast—because they don't.

Q: Should we be upset when we read about people being trolled on auntie-social meeja?
A: If the masochists who are complaining show off and set themselves up as targets, and choose not to cancel their account, they are entitled to no more sympathy than the pathetic idiots who do all the trolling.

The latest addition to the paint industry's definitive colour chart is Sue Gray. It's a very delicate shade of beige, which looks more and more like common or garden whitewash the further it is taken from London.

Q: If Boris-Buddies have Scary Carrie to blame, what's Sir Beer's Xcuse?
A: If he wants us to think he's a one-man band, all mighty and all knowing, then he has only himself to blame.

Just what we need
Chancellor Rikishi Snack is being positioned as a reincarnation of Gordon F. Broon—as a glowering, malevolent presence behind the scenes, who intends to block all opportunities for beneficial government spending until he takes charge.
   And, if history repeats itself, he will make as thorough & complete bog of things as his role model, bank-wrecker Broon, managed when he was prime monster.

The Chancellor is going to be even more popular when he increases VAT from the plague temporary rate of 12.5% back to 20% in April. The hospitality industry is complaining that it will end up paying twice as much as Europeon equivalents. So much for Brexit. Does Mr. Snack have a sinister agenda of grotting on Brexit?

Q: Mangetout—who is the man and what is he trying to get out of?
A: Could be President Boris and all the partygate BS confected by Sirk Reepy and his allies.

Ambitious, if nothing else
The Church of England is involved in a bizarre scheme to set up a rival government with the Archbish of Cantab as the Church PM, and lesser bishops in charge of Brexit, the Chinese plague and everything else. There will also be a series of regional bishops for various areas of the country.
   Theologians are alarmed by the thought of a Church shadow government as a rival to Sirb Eery & H.M. Opposition. Politicians tend to be amused.

Euromaniac former PM and unreconstructed Bremoaner J. Major would like people to notice him. The alleged comedian J. Carr would also like to be noticed by more than his NeatFlix customers.
The wokists are doing their best to prevent people from noticing the works of that giant of British playwrighting W. Shakespeare by trying to get them cancelled 'coz that's the sort of oppressive & narrow-minded bastards they are.

If you want to strike a blow against the Slavery-Obsessed Slugs, drink Thatcher's Gold cider from Somerset and prevent it from being cancelled.

Unmoral demoralization
China is seeking to maximize its medal haul @ its winter Olympics by treating foreign competitors like criminals and Xpecting them to live on grotty grub in a filthy hole when they fall victim to a positive test for the Chinese plague. Which is happening surprisingly often to potential medal winners who are not Chinese.

Politics of Death
Adverse propaganda from Europeon leaders against the AstraZeneca Chinese plague vaccine has probably killed hundreds of thousands of their customers, one of the Xperts who created the vaccine reckons.
   Not that there will be any comebacks against the killers, of course.
“The Daily Mail reckons they should hang their heads in shame. Fat chance of that. If they're creepy politicians, they have none and the only hanging they should be doing is from a lamp post.” Montavius Pylark

The Chinese tennis star who made a complaint about sexual assault and was vanished by the regime has been successfully brainwashed and returned to the community with a squad of minders. Move along, nothing to see, nothing happened.

Decisions, Decisions
If you're trying to lose weight, sleeping for an extra hour is the same as not scoffing 3 chocolate digestive bisquits, the Xperts reckon.
“On that reckoning, if you stay in bed all day and don't get up until teatime, you can then scoff a whole packet of bisquits. Magic!” Jacq Pott

The sinister Chancellor, Mr. Snack, is supporting the Business Sec., K. Kwarteng, in his fast tracking of licences for 6 more North Sea oil & gas franchises in direct opposition to President Boris' Green Bollocks Agenda of premature zapping of oil & gas production here and trashing our energy security.
   More evil undermining?
President Boris has no doubts about Chancellor Snack's loyalty—it is 100% to himself.

Labour wants to let the lights go out. Sirb Eery is demanding an end to oil & gas production from the North Sea so that he can show off his green bollocks.
   He can be as bad as Boris @ his worst @ times.

President Boris' latest spin doctor reckons that his boss is not a total clown and has received a suitable bollocking for unloading that opinion on the meeja. Mr. G. Harrikiri has unfortunate connections with China but we are supposed to ignore them.

President Boris does have this silly obsession with pretending to lead the world. Maybe he knows that what we do here about ending Chinese plague restrictions is irrelevant to somewhere else with different conditions. But the Boy Boris will still keep on pretending that being the first to do something is always a Good Thing. Even if what he's doing is Mindbogglingly Stoooopid.

Q: How many support pros does the Boy Beckham's kid Brooklyn need to make an episode of his cookery show?
A: 62 as the dozy little sod can't cook at all.

Plague rules or just taking the piss? “Wot you say, mate?”**

There is an old saying about not wanting to touch something with a 10-foot pole. When he made a guest appearance in the Kremlin to sort out the Ukraine situation, Pres. MacRon of France found himself and Putin the Poisoner @ opposite ends of a 20-foot conference table for their discussions and a ritual meal.
   Sans entente, sans cordialité. But probably a fairly safe distance from the hijo de Putin. Although, it's the minions you have to watch out for as they do the actual dirty work.
[** "Chto vwee govorilee, gospodin?" Ed.]

Abundant B of the S sort
There is a grave suspicion that Labour supporters & politicians, in cahoots with the BBC, are deliberately injecting poison into politics so that a Labour politician confronted by looneys can play the poor little stinker card and blame the 'orrible Tories—even if he/she/it is guilty as charged and has a dishonourable history of scumbag behaviour, e.g. Captain Underpants, Angela Robot and Mr. Narzi Lammy.
“Make no mistake about it, Sirk Reepy got Xactly what he deserved from the mob outside Parliament for being a hypocritical blot on the landscape.” Celeste Yalcrews

Bristol University's bosses are being mocked (again) for giving the staff a pair of pronouns to use if they happen to meet a customer who claims their gender is pussycat. It is believed that the University has now abandoned all hope of being taken even slightly seriously.
“This certainly Xplains why ITV no longer has a Man of the Match award. It's a Player award now. In case he's a pussycat.” Cocco Van
“No surprise that the university's bosses are a toolkit. Bristol is not exactly the most sensible and in touch with reality place in The Universe.” Robbi Nud

Even more New Modern
If you think that Salman Rushdie is a fish dish served with chips or rice, that there is alcohol in a prawn cocktail, that sushi is raw fish, not the rice that goes with it, and a mullet is a bad haircut rather than a fish, you are a well-adjusted part of the modern world. And welcome to it.

Putting the ‘git’ into Gittins or
“Hey, Teacher! Leave then kids alone!”
A head teacher of that name @ a primary school in Nottingham is using Chinese brainwashing tactics to make her 10-year-olds look like solid Labour supporters, whose sole mission in life is to trash President Boris.
   "We don't need no thought control!" says the song in Pink Floyd's The Wall but opting out doesn't seem to be available any more.
[That's solid between the ears & hypocritical with it. Ed.]
“Grounds for a teacher to be struck off in a sensible society. Sad we're not in one any more.” Lynn Kedin

Q: What do you get if you made a bog of the now disbanded Public Health England's response to the Chinese plague pandemic?
A: Binned honcho D. Selfie got £450K.

The J. Cleese Theory of History:
All the trouble is caused by political leaders who are 5' 8" tall, e.g. President MacRon, or less, e.g. Putin the Poisoner (5' 7").

Who needs snow for a winter Olympics anyway?

China's Olympic ski jump rig—set in the snowless landscape of a discarded steel mill, looks like one of those 'attractions' that bob up here in late November. The ones which are touted as a Winter Wonderland but which turn out to be a grotty, muddy wasteland with a donkey with antlers strapped to its head passed off as reindeer. The sort of thing that gives the newspapers a huge thrill when they do an exposé.
The next Commonwealth Games has been reduced to trying out video gaming in an attempt to attract some yoof interest.

The next season of the Royal Shakespeare Confederacy will feature plays which address the climate change issues in the Bard's canon with particular regard to his anticipation of auntie-social meeja and the needs for mental 'elf refreshment and the promotion of abletism.
Q: Abletism?
A: It's a word we made up to bamboozle the git tendency, who won't admit they have no idea what it means.
Q: Is that why you didn't put a Toytown Twats headline on the piece?
A: Sussed.

Let us not forget that everything is relative and calling something 'ultrafast' broadband, say, doesn't make it wonderfully speedy. It's just a label and advertising puff, and it may indeed be ultrafast, but only compared to a dead snail.

Nature England wants to blow a vast amount of cash on abolishing stiles in rural walls as they have a clear connection to slavery.

Q: What do you get if you're an 80-year-old nun, who stole $800,000 from the school where you worked to blow on gambling?
A: One lousy year in gaol.

HTFK?
The bosses of disgraced Formula One motor entertainment have decided that competitors need not do the knee of shame before participating in a rigged race. Although, they still can if they want to.
   Whether anyone does it is not something we expect to report as everyone we know seems to have given up on Wonky Wheeled Entertainment.
The Mercedes motoring entertainment team has announced that it will abandon the rachelist black livery, which it was talked into adopting a while ago. The Silver Arrows will return. But HTFK?

The French police have Xtracting a fortune in fines from the motorists who formed protest convoys in their hundreds in Paris to object to Chinese plague restriction in imitation of the antics in Canada, especially @ the bridge over the St. Claire river connecting Detroit with Windsor, Ontario.
   Fines and threats of vehicle confiscation have sorted out the mainly Yankee truckers.

Why did Dockson of Dick Green get the boot so arbitrarily? London's cosmetic mayor and cosmetic police & crime commish, Sadgeek Khan't, suddenly realized that he was in danger of becoming even more damaged goods if she remained Teflon™.
“Is it possible to become more damaged than totally shredded & roadkill?” Notre Dome

Q: How impressed are you by the Joint Europeon Taurus reactor in Culham, near Oxford, producing 59 million Joules of energy from fusing 2 heavy hydrogen atoms?
A: Whilst this is being touted as enuff energy to boil 60 kettles, no kettles were actually boiled and the energy dispersed unused. So not all that impressed. Especially as they have been at it since the 1970s and getting nowhere slowly for about 50 years.
“The only surprise from JET is that it takes a million Joules to boil a kettle. You'd expect it to be a kettle the size of the Albert Hall if one million of something is involved.” Zuta Lors
“Applying 1 calorie of heat energy raises the temperature of 1 cc of water by 1 deg.C. 80,000 of them are needed to boil a litre of water or about 335,000 Joules. Thus a million Joules boils about 3 litres of water. But who the hell ever boils a kettle with 3 litres of water in it? Never mind 60 of them.” Ratt 10krantz
“A mug of tea contains 125 ml of water, a litre of boiling water makes 8 mugs of tea. Which means the 2 heavy hydrogen atoms could have made 1440 mugs of tea if the heat hadn't been wasted. Enough for everyone working at JET plus a few visitors? But at what cost?” M.K.
[Mind successfully boggled. Ed.]

Public Service Announcement He's been called the Blogger of the Decade His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

WEEK 3   Putting the ‘bull’ into bulletin

 
Are we next?
A newspaper pundit reckons that as Ukraine was once part of the Russian empire, that entitles Putinstan to reclaim it now.
   We were once part of the Roman empire then part of the Norman empire. Does that mean Italy & France should have a semi-final war to decide who invades to reclaim England?
   And when we've seen off the winner, we are entitled to march round the world reclaiming all the bitz that used to be part of the Britisch Empire? That should keep us busy for a while.

Super-Duper Bowl, Y’Awl!
in sunny Lost Angeles

The crew here in Romiley were expecting the Rams to win on their home turf but no one would be disappointed if the Bengals did them in. Would it be the good Stafford as QB for LAR or the annoying guy the Lions got shot of? Would it be Grrrr! Bengals! or Oh, no! Bungles?    Super Kupp got the Rams into FG range, TD for ODB in the 9th minute, 7-0. A really spectacular catch got CIN to the LAR 11, just a FG to follow, 7-3 in the last minute of Q1.    More ODB in Q2, on to the red zone, TD for Super Kupp, Stafford dropped the ball during the PAT try, 13-3. The Bengals reached the end zone, TD for 85 Hurricane Higgins, 13-10 after 9 minutes. Stafford was picked in the CIN end zone and ODB went out with a bad knee.    Bang! Q3 began with a one-play TD. Higgins got away with mugging a defender and went 75 yards for the score. 13-17. Staffords first play was tipped to CIN at the LAR 31 but they were sacked to a FG, 13-20 in the 5th minute. The Rams kicked a FG in reply after 8 minutes, 16-20. Crunch D into Q4 and the CIN QB got his knee dinged.    The Rams were inside the red zone @ the 2MW. An end zone catch by Super Kupp was wiped out by offsetting penalties, 1:38 left. DPI in the end zone, another TD for Super Kupp, 23-20 with 1:25 left. 4th & 1 from the gun for the Bengals, pass incomplete.    The End. Both teams played well for once.

Predictably, London's cosmetic mayor, Sadgeek K'han't, is trying to make the appointment of the next Metropolitan Police commissioner all about him.
   Typical bloody politician.

Dockson's abrupt sacking a day after London's cosmetic mayor gave her a week to come up with a repair plan for the Met is being seen as a result of Labour party manoeuvring to discredit the police investigating into partygate.
   The object is to allow Labour to create more fake news about the mega-importance (according to Labour) of a minor triviality. 'Coz that's all that Kreepy Labour is about—trivialities.

“That's a fantastic Xcuse for Putin the Poisoner & President MacRon being @ opposite ends of a conference table, which grew in length in reports from 14 feet to 16 feet and then 20 feet. The story is that MacRon refused to let the Russians do a PCR test on him to prevent them from getting a sample of his DNA. And that's why he had to shout to communicate with the poisoner. Well, he would have had to shout if they weren't using interpreters.” Momper Tissue
[This is a typical bit of fake news. If the Russians wanted a sample of MacRon's DNA, they could easily send a minion to recover a glass he'd used @ a EFU beanfeast or some other source. In fact, they've probably done it so that they can create a MacRon-specific virus to use if necessary. Ed.]

Something else an Xpert has wasted his time doing is coming up with a chart of personality types and the pop performers they prefer to inflict on their ear drums. The neurotic customers have received especial attention for some reason.

Q: What do you get when Putin the Poisoner threatens to invade somewhere?
A: All talk and no action.
[And the prize for this year's famous last words goes to . . . Ed.]

Today's Brilliant Advice: Bread keeps for as long as the solo consumer needs it to if it is wrapped up in a freezer bag and kept in the freezer, and individual slices are warmed up as required.

Progress: It is worth repeating that getting anywhere useful is all about banging the right heads together in the right order at the right time.

Sir Kreepy Steamer
has a quite placid demeanour
'Till it's time to confect a fight
And play the hippocrite**.
[XXL version of hypocrite. Ed.]

Dockson Discharge—the TRUE story
She went because she had no confidence in London's cosmetic mayor, that Sadgeek bloke, doing anything to the benefit of his customers. She felt he is incapable of doing anything other than play politics and try to make everybloodything about him.
“Sadgeek the Magnificent? The guy who insisted on Xtending Dockson's contract knowing she is NBG? That Sadgeek?” Fran Siffle
“About all Sadgeek has achieved is he's let Dockson blag his poor little stinker card and play it herself. We'll be surprised if she doesn't end up in front of an industrial tribunal, claiming constructive and unfair dismissal.” Kon Kistador
“Just to get it right, Dockson's apologists are playing the 'thrown under a bus' card on her behalf rather than the 'poor little stinker' card.” Tawny Curtin

On the programme for this week:
Storm Dangerous & Storm Executioner.

Discredited Bremoaner & former prime monster J. Major has been elected Prethetic Joke of the Month for taking a pop @ President Boris over ethics in public life when his (Major's) lack of them is plastered all over the newspapers.

Q: Dockson's Reward for Failure?
A: A payoff of £512,000 plus a pension of £160K, which is probably inflation linked @ the very least.

An Xplosion in the wolf population in areas of Germany where they are protected is driving the sheep farming trade into Xtinction. Fences are no protection and the State is refusing to pay the full price of the fencing used and refusing to control wolf numbers.

Religious politics of the madhouse
The Church of England is getting a booting for trying to colonialize Anglican churches around the world by giving them a bigger say in who is appointed as Archybish of Canterbury, their spiritual leader, who has no actual power over what they do. Too many looneys with too much time on their hands.

Q: How can HMRC seize a Non-Fungicidal Token when they are just imaginary objects?
A: HMRC doesn't live on the same planet as the rest of us and cannot by judged by what appears to be common sense to the rest of us.

“If the news meeja are harping on about Prince Chuck testing positive for the Chinese plague 2 days after meeting his mum, are we supposed to decode that as an accusation that H.M. The Queen passed it on to him? Sounds very much like it. In which case, orf with their bonces for treason!” Vera Cross

Brilliant New Plan!
Electric cars with a home charger are to be used as components of a Giant National Battery to make up for when occasionals fail to supply enough electricity to the National Grid to meet demand.
   If it's night and the wind don't blow, participating cars will be drained of their battery charge to meet demand. What the customer is expected to do if they have to go somewhere suddenly but their battery is flat has yet to be revealed.

Streaming TV services are about to suffer the same fate as the energy companies that were selling the stuff too cheaply to build up a customer base and went bust. There are 8 main streamers currently operating and the Xperts reckon the market is big enuff for just three.

“What we've seen in recent months just confirms that the ageing Putin is an attention-seeker, and he doesn't care how much of his subjects' dosh he blows to show off as long as the rest of the world pretends he's a person of consequence.” Splatny Kraposhch

Back in 1885, doctors found that cocaine applied nasally can prevent asthma attacks. Which Xplains why the drug is still much sought after in these modern times.

Sirk Reepy is going to have to look to his tainted laurels. Discarded prime monster J. Major is putting in a serious challenge for the Hypocrite of the Decade award.

Storm Dangerous does some levelling  ------>
Unfortunately, it was down rather than up. Must have been sourced by envious socialists @ Weather Control.

BP petrol in Romiley—153p. And diesel 156p, which sounds a lot for a gallon, never mind a litre. Bad as on a motorway.

"Making soup helps The Planet" a Sainsbury's advert claims.
Bollocks of the Year Award fodder?

Absolutely no one is surprised that Putinstanis entered into this Winter Olympic Games are being allowed to compete after testing positive for banned drugs. It's what they do.

“Talking about endemic diseases (okay, we weren't but so what?), we all know what happened to Berko when he was made Squeaker of the HoCC. Is the previously level-headed Hoyle bloke going down the same attention-seeking-at-any-cost road? Blaming Boris for a lefty loony yelling @ Sirb Eery is a bit of a dead giveaway that Hoyle has caught the same bug.” Went Angrefeet
“Hoyle's partiality is a topic of constant conversation @ the Palace of Westmonster now. There used to be Bollocks 2 Berko badges. What's the message for Hoyle? Hoyle 4 Hogwash?” Pes Imist

Talking about what they do . . .
China promised a clean & sustainable Winter Olympics to get this year's event away from Kazakhstan, which actually has snow in areas unpolluted by industrial smog at this time of year.
   No one is surprised that China's promise was bollocks, just like the venue. You can get away with anything if you have lotz of foreigners with votes in hock to you.

The number of humanitarian organizations that have declared China to be an unfit host for the most shameful Olympic event since 1936 is 200 and rising. Not that China is at all bovvered about this judgement or the reports of criminally poor living conditions & grub inflicted on those detained after a positive Chinese plague test to prevent them from bagging a medal.

“If Boris standing 8 feet away from a bottle of fizz with 2 intervening aides is grounds for resignation, Sirb Eery is, indeed, the Paedo's Pal. No question.” Coarse Beverage
“If Sirb Eery thinks there is a causal link between President Boris reminding him that the beer-swigger took responsibility for J. Savile getting a free pass on his watch and the looney lefties who ambush MPs of all flavours @ Parliament, that goes a long way to reveal why Sir Steamer was such a flop as Dir. of Pub. Prost.” Shill Bebak

“Should we take the former MP D. Skinhead, the Beast of Bolsover, reaching 90 as convincing proof that the good die young? I think so.” Dan Drift

A boss lady @ the Co-op is in trouble with the looney left for being able to afford to take a 4-month career break. If there is anyone in the world who can't afford to do it, the loonies insist, then she shouldn't be allowed to. Envious socialists @ their worst.

£1 coins had their 40th birthday this month.

Questions remain about Prince Andrew, we are told, after the woman who was after a payday got one. Question Number One has to be HTF cares apart from the people hoping to make money out of perpetuating scandal & fake news?

Q: What do you get when you fine a footballer for booting his destructive cat?
A: All the other stooges on the team demanding more dosh when they find out how much more than them the booter was being paid and a couple of million quid more on the weekly pay bill if the club caves in to them.

The Boris Green Bollocks Department has put the mockers on using the abundant shale gas under the UK. Worse, the BGBD is to increase the frequency of reporting of self-reporting electricity meters as part of a campaign to increase prices during peak demand periods to force poor people off the Nation Grid.
   The intention is to create the illusion that inadequate occasionals; wind & solar; can supply enuff electricity for the nation's needs when everyone knows, Boris included, that they can't and never will.

The Man of Every Moment & For All Seasons
The fake news industry sloshing; or should that be slushing?; around sometime President of the Untied States D. Trump is thriving still, such is the fear that he strikes into the black hearts of Democraps.
“A scandal far greater than Watergate”
Hillarious Clinton is reported to be considering having another go @ being the POTUS. But she may have to run her campaign from a gaol cell.
   A US special prosecutor is after those involved in her 2016 campaign against D. Trump for spying electronically on his campaign. Not so much one small burgalry as a mass attack.

No friend of ours
With Creaky Joe holding the presidency there, the Untied States now have an especial relationship with the UK rather than a special one.
   That's especial as in especially bad, thanks to the Biden family's membership of the IRA-supporting Green Beer Mob across the pond.

Our neighbours north of the border are becoming resigned to having to put up with Chinese plague restrictions until the autumn as Wee Burney continues her quest to be different from the English.

Attention all those with a complaint about Storm Dastardly. You need to take it to Peking. That's where all the climate-changing decisions were taken. Meanwhile, we're waiting to see what Storm Mutley has in store.

Q: What's a good way to make wonks go bang?
A: Remind them that if it wasn't for the Britisch Empire, most of Africa & Asia would still be cannibals & slavers living in mud huts and indulging in bloody & disgusting weird religious rituals, cut off from pocket phones, the internet, failways, motor vehicles, a civil service, income tax, wonks of the Anti-Britisch Blob and all the other goodies created by European civilization.

MPs won't have to pay National Insurance increases on the wages of their staff. Perish the thought. What is the taxpayer for other than to subsidize the public sector's parasites?

Q: Will English taxpayers fund pensions in an independent WeeBurneystan?
A: Joke! Financial independence goes with the political sort.
Q: Will WeeBurneystan enjoy a bonanza from the North Sea oil, which Burney claims the English have stolen?
A: Not if the SNP goes ahead with its policy of shutting down the oil industry in its territory completely.

The nation's tribe of Bremoaners are hoping that if they slush enough sleaze onto President Boris, they will get another referendum on EFU membership, which they will be able to rig in their favour.
“One small problem; the terms of readmission to the Europeon club will he absolutely ghastly for the UK. Or however much there is of it if Wee Burney gets to rig an independence referendum. Not that this matters to Bremoaners. But they might have a spot of bother getting the Great British Public to go along with a total sell-out, which is what getting readmitted to the EFU will have to be.” Tawny Curtin

Q: Will Britain really have hit a zero carbon dioxide emissions target if the same amount of carbon dioxide goes into the atmosphere; put there by the companies abroad supplying what we no longer source here?
A: Only to dozy politicians, Green bollocks merchants, gorbal warmage fraudsters, Bremoaners and all the other blots on the landscape.

Attempts are being made to sell the fake news that the truckers who are bringing major Canadian cities with a tiny police force to a standstill are from the far right of politics. In fact, they are mainly anti-vaxx nutters of either no particular political conviction or of a looney left persuasion. But that's not going to bother the likes of the BBC et al.

New Zealand is such a civilized looney left paradise that the police play crap pop music @ public nuisances instead of using tear gas and the nuisances tend to retaliate with their own crap pop stuff, which they hope will be even more annoying that what the police have on offer.

Schools have been told to root out the envious socialist teachers who are brainwashing primary school kids with anti-Tory propaganda. Like The Blob is going to let that happen!

Q: How bozonic moronic is the Commons these days?
A: Calling a Chinese spy who gave half a million quid to a Labour MP Fu Manchu is enough to get you booted out of the Labour gang @ the House of Common Criminals and barred from the bars for 6 months—i.e. Xtremely.

Scam, scam, scam, scam
The cost of using an ineffective heat pump system to control the temperature of an average house will be ONE-THIRD more than using a gas central heating system this year. How not-so-great is that as a gorbal warmage swindle!

The rip-off for a bigger home will be much bigger than a third.

The difference in the amount of carbon dioxide added to the atmosphere; it's a bit lower for a heat pump; will make bugger all difference to the global temperature as the problem claimed is not being caused by people in the UK.

Destructive Feedback
Is it possible that the BLAME Bunchers and their ilk are making things worse in terms of race relations? If contact with people of another racial grouping is perceived to be likely to get someone accused of rachelism or into trouble of another sort, there is no incentive to engage. Which gives the race relations industry more to complain about and even more excuses to demand even more cash from the taxpayer—and just increases separation.

The government is claiming that the public inquiry into the Post Office's defective software being allowed to ruin postmasters' lives, especially those of the ones sent to gaol, is to ensure the same mistakes are never made again.
   No, it will be different ones next time. History tells us that. And, of course, the bosses who let it happen will not be held to account.

What exactly is wrong with an MP employing a family member as office staff? The work has to be done and if, and only if it is being done competently, why not by a family member? Property scams by MPs living in London is what should be addressed but isn't being.

Strange but true
The argument in favour of the West sitting back and doing nowt as Putinstan invades Ukraine is that it would be doing the customers a favour. Ukraine is a kleptocracy worse than Afghanistan or Putinstan, and the customers there would actually be a little better off if they were robbed by Putin's kleptocrats and mafiosi instead of the ones currently in charge of Ukraine. Get out of that!
The lack of the promised invasion is being ascribed to the kleptocrats & mafiosi in Putinstan smacking the ageing leader round the back of the head in response to all the threats from the West of imposing financial disaster on the aggressor nation and depriving them of cash.

Prince Chuck's coronation will be done on the cheap, the nation has been assured. When his big day comes, he and Queen Camilla will take a black cab to travel to a modest do @ the El Cheapo Pizza Parlour in The Mall, where the business will be done in a matter of minutes in the interests of relieving the strain on the taxpayer's pocket.

Is it misconduct for the Metropolitan Police drug strategy guy to take lotz of different drugs on holiday or pertinent research for the job?
   There is a strong suspicion that he has been hauled in front of a misconduct hearing because he was in danger of knowing what he was talking about. Something which is banned under the rules of the poisoned legacy carried forward by the Met from the corrupt bliar labour era.

The Met is accusing London's cosmetic mayor of scaremongering to distract attention away from the total bog that the Sad Geek is making of being the Police & Crime Commish as well as mayor.

What Hope for the Future is that?
Youth Labour, a Corbynstein front organization, is taking a pop @ Sirb Eery because the yoofs think he is encouraging Ukraine to launch an invasion of Putinstan.
   As the blessed Little John says, you couldn't make it up.

Q: If you've failed a drug test but you look likely to win a communist solidarity Olympics gold medal, what do you get?
A: The Olympics authorities deciding to hand over a medal but not provide a public presentation ceremony and not impose a lifetime ban for bringing the organization into disrepute if you're a drug cheat from Putinstan.
Q: Because . . . ?
A: The kid involved is 15 years old and everyone would like to think she didn't have any say in being doped by her Putinstani trainers.
+ + + 'Dog ate her homework' alibi getting hard sell + + + Putinstan forced to back off in Olympics skating scandal + + + Drugged teenager falls out of medal contention + + + Olympics officials breathe sigh of relief + + + Chinese face saved + + +

Logically, a trans woman is a woman claiming to be a man. But since when did logic have anything to do with the wonk world?

Observant readers will have noticed that certain names of individuals & places have been encrypted to confuse enemy spies.
Please be alarmed, or unalarmed, according to your woke index.

Deft Definition
Amazon is insisting that its prequel to Lord of the Rings, concocted by a gang of writers from Mr. Tolkein's Appendices, will not contain gratuitous sex & violence.
   No, it will contain payperviewitous amounts—enuff to keep the customers interested and paying to come back for more.

Bitz of dead wood Xploded by an impact with the pavement after being blasted off the gang of oak trees along the main road tend to be Romiley's main legacy from Storm Mutley.

Q: You're a psychiatrist without a driving licence—because you didn't renew it after a driving ban—and no insurance and you drive a car into a head-on crash after chugging 3 bottles of wine. What do you get?
A: All together now . . .

Insurance up to date?
Something else to look forward to in the Great New Future—being hit by shrapnel from a wind turbine which was built by foreign cowboys and which came apart in a bit of a gale.
One in South Wales came down in 30 mph gusts. Not reassuring when 70-90 mph gusts are forecast.

“If Nitup the Poisoner's tanks take their directions from the BBC website and head for somewhere called Kyiv, does that mean the invasion will miss Kiev completely?” Giva Ninch

Don’t you just wish . . .
Q: Members of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
A: Yes, M'Lord.
Q: And what is your verdict?
A: We're not going to tell you until we have consulted our agent about a deal for the media, book & film rights.

Despite trying real hard, the Met Office has been unable to confect an increase in the frequency of storms affecting the UK. That's an increase which they can blame on gorbal warmage, of course.
   Their big problem is that there are too many humans putting structures in the way of storms, including tall heavy goods vehicles which act like a sail in a cross-wind, and that's why the reported damage and the number of motorway blockages grow. Not to mention the reducing quantity of grit and national moral fibre, and a growing willingness to play the poor little stinker card.
   But be assured, the confectioners will not be giving up the struggle whilst the cash continues to flow—especially those @ the BBC, which is continuing to push its fake news about storms getting worse as part of its agenda for participating in the not-so-great gorbal warmage fraud.

Q: IMHL?
A: I'm Having Lunch. So don't bother me, bugger off implied.

Tonite’s Magnificent Movie: is Closet Encounters of the Third Kind

Q: Beef bourgeoisie?
A: More commonly known as mince.

And another thing . . .
The nation's foodie agitators are demanding data on calorie & sugar content be added to the puff on wine bottle labels. Something which practically no one will read. Keeps them busy doing nothing terribly useful, we suppose.
The relevant trade association thinks that posting the info on a website would be a better alternative.

Q: Blood money?
A: Cash Xtracted by lawyers whilst bleeding a victim dry.

Q: How much is a hotel built by the trade union Unite @ a cost of £98 MILLION actually worth?
A: A figure of £27M is being tossed around.

The word 'lunch' has been banned by woke wonks who are convinced that it is being used as a coded substitute for 'lynch' which, with 'slavery' is toward the top of their list of banned words, which are not allowed to be used in crosswords and other word puzzles.

Q: Asuris withdrawing tanks from Ukrainian border?
A: Yes, the tanks are being withdrawn from one of Niputstan's stooge states bordering on Ukraine only to be moved to another. Smoke 'n' mirrors, flim 'n' flam, Niputstani porkies.

All Change: The official news is now that The Queen caught a mild case of the Chinese plague from Prince Chuck, not the other way around.
"We'll have lots more on that story coming from Buck House," said the BBC newsreader. What? More than that The Queen has a mild case of the plague? That's all there is to say, really. But the problem is, it has to be said over and over and over by the BBC's gang of correspondents. All reading out exactly the same message. Yawn.

[For some, at any rate]
Nitpu the Poisoner could never invade London as his fumes-belching tanks having to stump up the low-emission charge on top of the congestion charge would make a trip there unaffordable for a rogue state with a GNP less than Italy's.
A man of enigma
When asked if he is bluffing about invading Kyivistan, Vald Nutip (right) said: "Is the head bald or is the head bald?"
“Assuri will continue to play silly buggers around Kyivstan for months? Nitup the Poisoner can't afford that. So who's subbing him?” Al Q'atraz
“Has to be Nachi. The Yellow Peril has all the money in the world now.” Bash Talverize
“Tipun the Poisoner, putting the 'ass' into Assuri? Sounds about right.” Cyber Blitz

The government has no idea how much of the fine particulates in the atmosphere come from wood-burning stoves, which is why the official figure keeps changing so violently.
Going out when it's chucking it down with rain and the atmosphere is taking a junk bath is the best way to avoid these fine particulates.

“Do we really need a Storm Fukinel? All we're getting are surges from a single huge weather feature to the west of us. No need for Doris & Eunice and all the other cute names for its individual sneezes.” Chashka Chaivon

We're not getting any snow. The wind is blowing it away from us. Which is okay.

+ + + Canada gets tough + + + Pepper spray & stun grenades used on trouble-makers in nation's capital + + + streets around Parliament in Ottawa cleared ruthlessly + + + About time, too + + +

“Is No-vaxx Jokerovich doing an Unpti the Snoopier? He's at the end of his career. Not getting beaten because he can't compete if he's unvaccinated could be a perfect poor little stinker exit.” A. Tholbrose

There is a suggestion that mega-failed Met honcho Dockson of Dick Green will be sent to the House of Frauds just because it will bug the hell of out the guy who sacked her, cosmetic mayor Sadgeek K'h'ant.

Impurely self-inflicted
The Xperts have concluded that people who claim that modern life is too stressful usually have themself to blame.
   How come? Because they spend too much time pointlessly messing about with a pocket phone and get stressed when they try to catch up on the time wasted.

The Italian government is trying to get Unesco to add espresso coffee to its list of items which have the global status of non-fungicidal tokenism.
[Good luck with making a knowledge of how to brew the stuff compulsory. Ed.]

Today’s Definition: ranter – banter that goes too far

NS&I rates for savers are going up a fraction, but they are still a source of ridicule compared to what inflation is doing now and where it is Xpected to go.

Q: What Xactly is the point of declaring a Major Incident? Anything positive?
A: No, it's just a warning to everyone in the area to lower their Xpectations because an emergency service has been overwhelmed by demand and your emergency is surplus to requirements, so don't try to ring them.

The inflation continues. There were 150,000 Niputstani troops playing silly buggers around Kyivistan yesterday.

WEEK 4   The Universe doesn’t come with a guarantee of fair dos for all—get over it

 
Fix in?
Unpti the Snoopier was 'persuaded' not to invade Kvivikraine until after the Olympics in Nachi was done & dusted and closing ceremonied to avoid embarrassing a useful paymaster.
   The final message from the Nachian Winter Olympics is: "Level playing field & drug free? Who the FK needs that lot?" Certainly not an Unptistan run by a bloke who is more than prepared to inflict a Moscow Kiss which will make a Glasgow one look positively friendly. That certainly seems to be the message from his new issue of stamps.

Q: Full transparency?
A: Nosy bastards are trying to poke their snout in where it has no right to be so that they can feel intimidatory & powerful. Buying a victim's silence, paying off an extortionist plus lawyers—take your pick, whim of the moment.
see also: Maitliss, making it all about me.

Given up on
Formula One has taken the sport entertainment route of a cosmetic sacking to acknowledge that the previous season ended in a swindle. But the swindle's result stands and there could be more in the next season to spice things up again?
   "We'll see" doesn't apply here as we shall not be watching.

+ + + Education Sec. definitely serious about banning teachers from offering looney left fake news as historical fact + + + The Blob aghast + + + Will have to learn actual facts to keep jobs + + + Oh, the strain! + + + Blob ban on teachers having a gender to be lifted? + + +

Welsh police have kidnapped a Scottish wildcat, which was rescued injured and being cared for @ animal sanctuary in Conwy. Looks like they're as bad as the Scottish police in WeeBurneystan for ignoring real crime.

One woman’s meddling, everyone’s misery
An official investigation of Wee Burney Sturgeon's attempts to do something other than the regime in England's approach to the Chinese plague has concluded that they were all a waste of time & money.
   All that pain & misery for nothing. But what do you Xpect? Everything the SNP government has done north of the border has been an unmitigated disaster, including killing more people with the plague than the death rate in England.
   As for the hospitality industry, if it wasn't for all them English taxpayers propping it up, it would have croaked completely. Same with health care, schools, the police force and everything else.
   All due to Wee Burney thinking she has an absolute right to be the president of an independent Scotland. Her name in the history books & sod everyone else.

The pub with no beer
Don't expect a drink @ Britain's wokest pub, which is near—where else?—Bristol. The landlord has come up with a spurious reason for rejecting every brand of booze on the market.
   But he still has customers. They score virtue points by giving him money and just hanging around, not drinking unwoke booze and being diverse & politically correct, until closing time.

Criminals relax—your party is still on your side
The Labour party is pretending to have become tough on crime by getting the Angela robot to spout a string of BS, knowing that a Labour government would never be allowed to get away with any of the stuff she is claiming should become party policy, like shooting terrorists like a Brazilian on a Tube train and dropping in on known burglars @ 3 a.m. to make them miserable.

“Missing tennis tournaments because he's un-vaxxed can't be described as a price Jokerovich is willing to pay. It's one he has to pay & he has no option about it, which removes all fake news suggestions that he's doing it voluntarily as a favour to The Universe. No jab, no play. End of.” Adan Smok

Licence to do anything they like?
The nation's judges have been at it again—creating laws unsanctioned by Parliament. Criminals who are the subject of a police investigation which drags on for years will be allowed to remain anonymous and allowed to pretend that they are fine, upstanding citizens.
   They may not be outed in the news meeja. But this rule will not apply to people being fitted up, Operation Midland-style. They will remain fair game for the BBC.

The Daily Burgle
Police Scotland has overspent its green bollocks budget for electric police cars by £5 MILLION.

Maybe just a temporary lull, but we’re a bit fed up with storms

Cascade Conspiracy
A survey of BBC news stories set in rural Wales has revealed the Xistence of a rule to the effect that they have to mention a waterfall, no matter how irrelevant it is to the account.
   The BBC is saying nothing about this, the Welsh government is also remaining silent—a sure sign that something is going on. Plain mischief-making or something more sinister? We suspect the latter if the fake news industry and a devolved government are involved.

How the BBC creates fake news
Brecon Beacons: Hamster on waterfalls walk rescued
That was the headline on the website on 17th February 2022
Hamster rescued from waterfall in Wales!
That was what was on offer on 19th February 2022

Another example of needless confection
"The entire metal spire of a church in Camberwell blown off on Friday nite".
   Well, what did the reporter expect? If the spike is made of metal, it's all or nothing. It would have been something exceptional only if a bit of the spike had been blown off rather than the entire thing.

A man of enigma Part II
Is Byellowroseofrussia Vald Unipt's real target rather than the easily bitten off bit of Kyivstan? President Kashmachineko made a total bog of rigging the last lot of elections to Xtend his 30-year reign next door to Asuris; a length of time in charge which is known to bug the hell out of Vald Tunip (right, demonstrating Putinstani sign language for 'up yours'). Kashmachineko is obviously a very weak fuse in the box.
   Putting a big chunk of the Red Army in Byellowroseofrussia could be a way of keeping the place under Nutip's thumb and the government-in-exile permanently in that state. And also an initial part of the plan to create a Nitupskiy Ekomomicheskiy Soyuz**.
[An Asurisian equivalent of the EFU. Ed.]

The Untied States holds the current world record for a guess of the number of Niputstani troops near or in Kyivstan with a guess of a stonking 190,000.

Ethnic Niputstanis have been bussed out of eastern Kyivstan by the hundreds of thousands so that they can be concentrated to facilitate a confected genocide episode; perpetrated by Niputstani forces but blamed on Kyivstan; should one become necessary for propaganda purposes.

The funeral industry in Niputstan has been mobilized to facilitating the creation of mass graves packed with ethnic Niputstanis in the eastern parts of Kyivstan for propaganda purposes.

Running out of excuses rapidly? Nae bother!
Even the Scottish Parliament's finance & public administration committee, which is controlled by the SNP and Greens, admits that the economy in WeeBurneystan is a shambles and trails in the dust of that of the rest of the UK.
   Self-inflicted de-carbonating by cancelling the oil & gas industry is seen as a massive north of the border footshot.

Some economists see Scotlandland as quite a rich country, the wealth of which is being shovelled energetically into the massive Brown Holes created by the SNP regime.
“They'll have to be bloody rich to pay ten quid for a fush supper, which is what the Xperts reckon one will cost before long. And that's on an island surrounded by fush.” Slai Tin Woke

Guilty until proven so
The judicial ruling that the identity of someone under police investigation must remain confidential, even if the plodding goes on for years, has been condemned as a severe blow to open justice.
The people who go in for trial by meeja & sleazemongering, especially sleazing by association, are feeling frustrated and they don't like it.

Auntie-social meeja websites are being accused of promoting cruelty to animals by allowing customers to post videos of assaults on pets to raise advertising revenue to pay $20M/year to the likes of Calamity Clegg, the chief apologist for Feta & FakeBuk.

Sunny intervals interspersed with sleet showers and hail. You can't say Weather Control isn't trying to be interesting today.

What do we call the gloomiest of Chinese plague alleged xperts, 'DoomBuggers' or just 'bed-wetters'—take your pick!

Is your journey really necessary?
Most of the public charging points for electric cars contain old technology, which means that a recharge will take all day rather than three-quarters of an hour. Thus driving more than 100 miles from home will become impractical and the train will have to take the strain. If there are any running.

Storm Frankenstein? When was that? A non-event in Romiley. Not that we're complaining, mind.

First or just foolish?
The US President is creaking more and more as his reign progresses.
   His latest prank is to put a bloke who wears frocks in charge of disposing of spent fuel rods & waste from nuclear reactors.
   Going in for world firsts of this sort is unlikely to do other than encourage Vald the Niput to continue to rattle his sabre & his tanx and continue with his attempts to rattle someone whom he perceives to be a lame duck.
“No wonder Nitpu takes no notice of Joe. If the US President really thinks putting an exhibitionist weirdo in charge of nuclear waste is a good idea, then the world is a much safer place when he's asleep. Same for Nitpu.” Risolian Aisles
“How strange that a couple of posturing Plaid Cymru wonks & assorted stooges going to Kyivstan on a self-promotional peace & prosperity tour failed to deter Nitup the Invasioner.” Dr. Poisonous

Today's Definition: estrangled – rejected and choked up about it

Despite warnings from those in official positions of responsibility, customers continue to head for towns with a sea front when there's a storm blowing in to take selfies with a background of huge, crashing waves. No one has been killed; yet; despite all the hype.

Rats, snarling and otherwise, are objecting to this description being applied to Unpti the Snoopier as they believe it tarnishes them unreasonably.

Transference: – A newspaper columnist who couldn't keep her husband interested blames it on Prince Chuck, who lost interest in Princess Di and, presumably, gave the absconded husband the idea.
Q: At least one abandoned wife claims to be on Team Diana. Is there a corresponding Team Chuck?
A: Apparently not. It seems to be a femme thing only.

+ + + Looney leftie E. 'It's all about me' Maitliss evicted from BBC + + + "She'll never be missed" says meeja Xpert + + +

The Politics of Pillocks
Let us not forget that the Boris Green Bollocks Plan is all about off-shoring** carbon dioxide emissions and not necessarily about cancelling them.
[**Off-shoving, more than doing anything else. Which is what the bollocks merchants need to do. Ed.]

Reverse Rotation
It is suspected that letting a national newspaper publish a photograph of our teenage head of MI5 with a bowl of apples on his desk could give aid & comfort to our enemies. The message is clear—whilst they are up to no good, he is sitting at his desk, munching apples and reading something from the row of paperbacks along the windowsill rather than keeping the world safe from commies.

Passing off parade
Adam Cole of All Elite Wrestling to sue Nitup the Snoopier for copyright breach for pinching his signature gesture? Could happen in today's crazy world.

Q: f****** b***h?
A: fishing beach

“Thank you, luvvie, you were brilliant. Next!”
The amateur dramatics club @ Cambridge U. has punched diversity solidly on the nose by refusing to give jobs to actors who are not of colour. This is offered as an essential part of the club's on-going search for meaningfulness.

“Just to get it right—the BedWetters of Doom specialize in duff Chinese plague predictions and the PantsWetters of Doom do it with storms?” Brazilian Fred
[The terms are still being used interchangeably at the moment but there should be some official guidance along when the Transparency Committee has completed its deliberations. Say, about the middle of June. Ed.]
“Do we have a variant for people who make a bog of predicting when Bad Vlad will invade somewhere?” Tropic Kality
[Not as yet, but there must be one on the way. Ed.]
“'Truth is on the march, and nothing will stop it', was Tuesday's quotation by someone famous in the Daily Mail. That's nothing apart from Bad Vlad's tanks, of course, Mr. E. Zola.” Ben Angier
“Is the actual world on the brink of war, as Creaky Joe claims? China won't get involved, it will just pick up any pieces going. Neither will countries which don't have a border with Ukraine and aren't in NATO. Nor Africa. Nor South America. Nor the Middle East. Nor the Far East. Joe's scriptrotter wants locking up.” Berge Assassin

Q: Why is it a bad idea to put electric cars on a ship?
A: Because their lithium batteries are liable to burst into flames and specialized equipment, which is not available in the middle of an ocean, is needed to extinguish them. The most likely outcome is the loss of the cars, the ship and everything else on it. And possibly an insurance company filing for protective bankruptcy.

Ptulavdin is banking on the US public feeling more under threat from an invasion from South America than from anywhere else and not being bovvered that much about what is happening far away in Kyivstan.
“Mad Bad Vlad claims he's going to de-nazify Kyivstan but who is going to de-nazify Niputstan?” Argentine Arnold

Niput the Liar shows his true colours
"Hands up everyone who thought Tonto was the Lone Ranger's Redskin scout and didn't realize it's also a Spanish word meaning bezoomiy?"
“Niptu's problem is he's old & idle and too bloody lazy to come up with lies within 100 miles of the truth. And too bloody lazy to try to make his lies look convincing.” Nivut Plad

Plink!
There has always been a whiff of glib dodginess about the firms selling funeral plans and peace of mind on TV. Now, the FCA has blown the lid off a situation similar to the energy market.
   The biz is stuffed with previously unregulated firms which were up to all sorts of dodgy practices. They now have to get the FCA's approval to have any hope of fulfilling their contracts.
   If they don't get that approval, their customers can only hope that the big fish in industry will try to protect its reputation by taking over the cowboys' client lists, as happened with the energy firms that went bust.

President Boris was warned that ending self-isolation and all legal compulsions associated with the Chinese plague could produce a surge of 180% in reported cases. Or not. As usual, every Xpert has his/her/its own number, which, they guarantee, is 103.27% correct.

Who’s right about the plague?
• Not Labour & the SNP, which merely & mindlessly advocate doing the opposite of what the government is doing.
• Not the trade unions, which want their members to skive @ home—with pay so that they can continue to cough up their union dues—to the ruination of the economy.
• Not most of the Xperts, especially the DoomBuggers who have been proven to be using statistical models which just don't work.
   The BIG problem seems to be that you can't get reliable Xperts any more.

Some Xperts are warning that the Chinese biological warfare guys could be brewing up a much deadlier version of their plague than the failed omicron variant and the Britisch nation would be committing suicide if it fails to lock-in all customers for the next 18 months at least, shut down all pubs, eateries & places of entertainment and make Shirk @ Home a legal compulsion with a £10,000 fine for not doing it.
   There's a cheerful thought to take into your weekend.

“Oh, look! The Fifth Columnists here in the Labour party have got their fingers in their ears and they're going 'la-la-la can't hear you'.” Quer Licu

Small earthquake; R 2.8; in the Midlands @ 11 p.m. last Monday, centred between Wallsall & West Brom. No houses collapsed, no one dead, no storms involved.

Attention all Cockneys: Pork pies are out, Putin pies are in.

Q: Why isn't the UN evicting the Putinstani invaders from Kyivstan?
A: Because the UN is in China's pocket and MBV has favoured client status with them.

“Hey, hey, Vlad Putin, how many civvies have you done in?” D. Nambrose

The fossil of an example of the largest bird-like pterosaur of the Jurassic period—eight-foot wing-span—has been unveiled after extraction from a rich fossil bed on the Isle of Skye. Nicha is outraged by the loss of its record-holder status for a specimen of the biggest flying dinosaur of this type of the era.

Dustbin Truedough is happy to see statues of past Canadian icons demolished and history erased as that will leave him as the sole icon for the customers to worship. So now you know what he's all about.

1. Ethnic hatred lessons are to be mandatory in all schools in England.
2. A BBC newsreader calling the capital of Kyivstan 'Kiev'? What is going on?

How wonderful. Weather Control is throwing lightning at us as well as snow.

Something new, something recycled?
Bets are now being laid on which bitz of Niputstan will Xperience KGB-sponsored terror attacks blamed on Kyivstan—outrages like the bombings of apartments in Moskva in 1999, which were used to Xcuse a terror assault on Chechnya and the resulting mish-mash for Niputstani forces
   There are good odds to be had on the downing of an airliner of an uninvolved country along the lines of the murder of everyone on a Malaysian Airlines flight in 2014 by Niputstani forces.

Local councils are plotting to drive employment out of city centres with a car-parking tax of £400-£1,000 per year on every single parking place provided by a business. This is on top of outrageous business rates and other disincentives to have anything to do with cities. Yet more bad news for the catering industry.
   The councils are busy working out how many millions they could make out of this scam. They are due for nasty shocks when economic reality starts to bite them.

“It has suddenly become fashionable to pretend that the 1980s was a Golden Age somehow. Total garbage. Anyone who's a serious writer, e.g. fellow members of Romiley Literary Circle, and engaged in serious DTP & design work wouldn't want to go back further than 1993.
   “Only from then on could PCs [Proper Computers, Ed.] with a laser printer and decent soft fonts be used to create publishing masterpieces. And having to put up with Wham! and Hanoi Jane in the 1980s? Purlease!” A.L.M.

Why is e. Davey, current Trivials leader and the coalition minister responsible at the time, silent about the Post Office persecutions on his watch due to defective software?, a newspaper bloke asks.
   Because Davey is a politician and he thinks nothing is ever his fault, looks like the likely answer.

There is a strong suspicion that Angela Robot is Sirb Eery Steamer's Dangerous Dom. There are interesting times ahead if it turns out to be true and she is a careering cyclepath, who will delight the news meeja with more fake news than you can shake a stick at.

16 years is a 'life' sentence for a middle-aged rapist?
In what universe?

Time for someone to put the boot in
There once was a Vlad name of Putin
Who'd run like the wind from the shootin'.
But he'd raise a loud cheer
Swig a bottle of beer
When his troops in Ukraine were out lootin'.

If enlarging NATO is so wrong,
why is enlarging Putinstan so right?

“If we really are under threat from state and non-state actors, as President Boris claims, why can't we just abolish the acting trade and put a stop to their machinations once and for all?” Star Tingap

+ + + No Nitupstani Grand Prix + + + Cancelled as protest + + + Sports entertainment industry joining in sanctionsfest + + + Football internationals in Nitupstan cancelled + + + Individual clubs & players refusing to go there + + +

+ + + German Kanzler, Sgt. Schultz, refuses to sign off on Nitupstan gas pipeline that by-passes Ukraine + + + Labour party hugely embarrassed by having to support government against MBV + + + Corbynsteiners particularly unhappy + + + High street chemists to offer plague tests costing them £1 to customers @ £5.99 when free lateral flow tests end + + +

+ + + Wot frakin' use is the UN? + + + Nitupstan allowed to block resolution condemning MBV's assault on Ukraine + + + Nachia confirms mutual on-side status with MBV by sitting on hands + + + Rest of world concludes UFN as much use as EFU + + + Wayne Ceurs + + + Heroic resistance reduces MBV army to 186,500 + + + Mobile crematoria on overtime + + +

Sounds well worth a try
The NHS is to stop forcing women to try to have a natural birth when a C-section could be the safer option for both mother & offspring. Some wonk's arbitrary target culture is being blamed for dozens of deaths of both.

The orange paint used to make 'smart' motorway refuges visible becomes dangerously slippery when very wet and a serious hazard to life & limb. Something else to thank National Highways England for.

Don't know who you are? Trying to work it out? Eco Designs for the gender-festive MIX + + MATCH + + CONTRAST Trendy Togs, 8 Riverside Lane, Higher Romiley A public-spirited mole has leaked details of 30,000 Credite Suisse accounts held by the likes of human traffickers, money launderers and corrupt politicians & officials from all over the world. Waving the virtue flag of eating raw vegetables, or just veg, won't save you from a heart attack or a stroke if you are susceptible, the Xperts have found. Tragisch! Hedgehogs are abandoning the countryside, which is shedding its hedges, and moving into urban areas where the hedge situation is more stable. Today's word: insultate – what the loopy laggers do to everyone else's intelligence. “Putting Sarf Efrica into the Six Nations rugby contest is as daft as putting Israel into the Eurovision Song Contest.” Al Tercation “As daft as sending Nitupstan's Nazis to free Ukraine of Nazis.” Dan Druff “Labour's Angela Robot is a shoot first, ask questions later person—mouth & guns alike. Shame she can't be more entertaining about it.” Kar Diovascula “The truth, the whole truth and nothing like the truth. Which hairy former Royal does that sound like?” Nigel Moanalot A theoretical concept only? Theatre-goers in London who paid hundreds of quids to watch some tosh about gender-liquidity on stage are being horrified by the unsex toilets in the public areas around the auditorium.    Femmes are going bang in all directions with their complaints that it is gross and invasive to expect them to share bogs with blokes. “Has Putin the Poisoner put something in the water? No one seems to be able to think for themself any more. All we get nowadays is pathetic whines for transparency & clarity. No wonder Mad Bad Vlad thinks he has a divine right to kill anyone who doesn't agree with him.” Vald Bezoomy [The latest variant of the plague of whines seems to be 'urgent clarity'. Wot next? Ed.] Mad Bad Vlad is a vain kleptomaniac who has no concept of honesty. Everything he says has to be held up to a mirror because it's the reverse of the truth.    Narcissist and Nazicist are also being thrown at him, and Pocket Napoleon. Just as well he's surrounded by stooges who insulate him from the real world or he might do something tonto like, well, invade somewhere?    Sanctions on MBV and his stooges will be ineffective as they have stolen BILLIONs from their customers and they can buy anything they want or anyone they need to. Who says The Universe doesn't hate us? Who’s madder than a box of frogs? “MBV has slid over the border from delusional to clinically insane. He has lost the plot completely. He belongs in a padded cell wearing his Napoleon hat, not in his war room with on finger on the nuclear button.” Des Pickable “I bet his local pub is The Frogbox & Nuke.” Tree Woods Q: Could MBV actually be insane? A: He has to be if he's playing silly fuckers with nukes. Q: Are the leaders of the Nitupstani military insane? A: Must be if they're letting MBV play with nukes. “He's turned into Stalin. Everyone knows the fucker is crazy but they're too scared to say no to him and they're just waiting for him to die.” Aladin Egad! “What MBV needs is someone watching him with a gun and ready to put one in the back of his head if he looks about to try to start a nuclear war.” Cal Vados “When a guy who has stolen billions and had thousands of people murdered starts playing the poor little stinker card with one hand and toying with the nuclear button with the other, that's a sure sign he needs to be rubber roomed forthwith. Or terminated with immediate & Xtreme prejudice.” Exo Set President MacRon warns the world it must brace itself for more of his pointless posturing and efforts to be re-elected. Former US president D. Trump upset the Democraps in the Untied States & their supporters so much that they are claiming that if he were still in the job, he'd be sending US troops to Ukraine to help MBV with his invasion. Prethetic, or what! The artistic director of the National Theatre would like it clearly understood that famous names don't work there because they have all been signed up by NeatFlix &/or Amazon, and not because they want nothing to do with an unreconstructable wonk. Ya, boo & sucks The head of the National Farmers' Union is pissed off with the Mins. of Ag. & the Enviromint and their rewilders. She claims that the waxworks @ both ministries are focussed on everything other than producing food for the nation, the farmer's primary concern. [Apart from providing insurance via NFU Mutual, of course. Ed.]    The Enviromint Agency countered with an accusation that farmers put as much crap into the nation's rivers as sewage-releasing water companies and they're wrapping up the Mint in plastic, which rather misses the point.    But it's the civil service and no one expects joined-up thinking. Just get on and do it If the civil service is supposed to be apolitical, it makes sense to put black marks on the file of those in senior positions who indulge in woke-wash to ensure that the offenders are deprived of good-job bonuses if they are doing a bad one.    That happening could concentrate the minds of the pronoun pillocks somewhat. Back to the drawing board The recent outbursts from our Atlantic cyclone, which seems to be parked there permanently, have been redistributing lightweight trampolines—the ones weighing only 70 or so pounds instead of the previous norm of 2-3 hundredweights.    Unfortunately, a lot of the redistribution has been from back gardens to roads, railways & rooftops. Something else to thank those piss-takers @ Weather Control for. Know your role The Police of the Metrolopis seem to be making a meat and four veg. out of the alleged parties @ Downing Street last year and the year before.    All the alleged investigation is achieving is giving the news meeja all sorts of bitz of trivia. Like some garbage about someone setting off a silent alarm accidentally and the armed security detail not busting everyone in sight, which isn't their job anyway.    Is pointless pillocking around and ignoring crime in a diverse and inclusive way now the official job of the police? Sure looks like it. “Formula One has abandoned rulz and joined TV wrestling in the sport entertainment biz. Looks like the police have followed this example and switched from crime to entertainment as an easier alternative. If they're just starting out with a new venture, that explains why they haven't quite got the hang of it yet.” Pink Ushion Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true. BFN is recognized as a premiere class observational blog and a multiple winner of the OB of the Year award.    We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts. page top Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, February MM22 like anyone cares.