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You can trust Labour—to do nothing but lie

reader comment“That Steamer bloke is about as honest as short is long.”
B. Cause
reader comment“He's a politician so he doesn't feel obliged to tell the truth, the whole truth or anything like the truth.” Gopher Broke

Starmer Pinocchio

    WEEK 1    Putin the ‘ha’ into chaos

markerPutrid the Poisoner is being positioned as a rat backed into a corner, clutching his nuclear button instead of a security blanket. And nothing he does is his fault.

skull 1markerLethal Diet
Proven By Science No. 87:
• Sodium is a metal which Xplodes violently on contact with water
• The human stomach is full of aqueous liquid
• Potato crisps are coated with sodium compounds
• Do you really want to risk an internal Xplosion by eating them?

Far Queue symbol ++ DARVO Putrid doesn't have his finger on nuclear button ++ Someone else who doesn't trust him does ++ World can relax ++

markerAdapt or vanish
The Crown Estate is not at all bovvered by warnings from the RSPB that off-shore windmills will wipe out bird populations.
   The birds will just have to learn to fly between the turbines and stay clear of the blades, was the message from the unrepentant C.E., which has Boris Green Bollocks to scratch.

cross symbol Insurers are refusing to meet claims for flight delays, claiming that they are now a known & Xpected event, and that the new normal insurancewise is for people to give the companies money and get nothing in return.
[Xactly how is that different from the old normal? Ed.]

postage stampreader comment“Sirk Reepy is now in a really big hole. Next time he starts accusing President Boris of some amazingly daring crime, people will be too busy wondering if it's something old Kreepy did himself and thinks he got away with; which makes this just more weaponized sleaze; to take much notice of what he's beefing about.” Mayban Kolliday
reader comment“If the Durham police were right not to fine Sirk Reepy for his boozy do, the Met decision to fine President Boris was wrong & political. Or vice versa. Which means that one or the other tribe of coppers belongs in gaol for misconduct in a public office.” Carew Szew

baseball hatOfgem, the energy regulator, has been ordered by the Business Sec. to see if it can find a way to slap fines on energy firms which Xploit customers beyond the mobile price cap.

diggerbaseball hatThe official verdict on Chancellor Snack and his Green Card is that he didn't break any rules and the rules are rubbish. As was trying to smear him with his wife's perfectly legal tax arrangements.

baseball hat++ Chancellor Snack now bottom of pops in Cabinet Beauty League ++ Ya-boos peasants in 600-quid trainers ++ Got it & flaunting it @ 'em ++ Peasants mightily MPD & can turn violent when laughed at ++ Especially looney & entitled lefties ++ Snack 'not bovvered' ++

bulletQ: Wot's the real reason for the current international tomato shortage?
bulletA: They're all in France, being chucked @ Pres. MacRon.

eyes++ MP accused of watching porn on pocket phone in Commons chamber ++ Female MP who shopped him to lose whip for spying on fellow party member? ++ Androgyny as prevalent as misogyny @ Palace of Westmonster, probe finds ++ Personal space no longer secure ++

bullet An estate agent in Marple Bridge is so desperate for business that she is leafleting neighbouring Romiley. Fold once, fold twice, fold thrice. Hack, hack, hack with a paper knife. That's 8 shopping lists to be had from the unprinted back of the communique.

markerDisneyWorld is going into Xtinction, driven there by the wonks who have cast it into a cesspit of wokeism & malaise. NeatFlix is believed to be terminally infected, too, with the woke mind virus, which is making it as unwatchable as DisneyWorld is unvisitable. Unless you shop @ the Algae Boutique.

Lest we forget—back in May 2010 after the general election . . .

Brown Reject Booted Out!
A nation rejoices!

markerRecycled FYI:
Back in 2009, the neutral Swiss voted in a referendum to ban minarets on Moslem meeting places because they look too much like intercontinental ballistic missiles, which are ready to be shot off at enemies!

marker Putinstan is suspected of thrusting police & security guards into army uniforms to cover up deaths in Ukraine & create the impression of an undiluted army for its Day of Shame on May 9th.

BerkoBonquersThe elderly Commons Squeaker is back in his box and hoping that his Berkolic outburst @ the Mail newspapers will be forgotten after the bank holiday.

marker++ Labour in hypocrisy crisis ++ Quota to end of this decade already used up ++ Can't borrow from SNP as their quota to end of century used up ++

bulletQ: Can a Labour Lie be an 'honest mistake'?
bulletA: If someone lies to the mug who has to face the news meeja, there is neither honesty nor mistake involved if the mug then spouts a load of baloney, knowing it most likely is just that.

marker++ Former tennis legend B. Becker sent to gaol for two and a half years for going bankrupt ++ But will have to stay there for only a year ++ Becker stashed £2.5 million ++ Nett profit £1.5 million, our accountant claims ++ Durham's Labour MP in drink-fuelled beergate guilt rant on Commons terrace? ++ Steamer & truth charge – not even nodding acquaintance ++

Z in a boxskull 2Some 25% of the troops sent to Ukraine are now classed as no longer combat effective but no one inside Putinstan is allowed to know this.
   Payments of death benefits to the family of dead service personnel is being transferred from civilian staff to military stooges to hide the true casualty figures as much as possible.

baseball hatLong weekend, not just extended one
Our government's gnomes came up with the figure of £1.4 BILLION as the cost to the nation of a bank holiday as an argument for not providing any additional ones. [Remember them? Banks? Ed.]
   "Foul!" cried the Xperts, who have Xposed this costing as a Friday off in addition to the conventional Monday.

bulletQ: If you've spent £235 MILLION on a personal Boeing 747-8 Jumbo jet, what do you need to avoid doing?
bulletA: Dying a year before it's delivered, like the Saudi Crown Prince, so that the plane doesn't spend 10 years parked @ Basel airport before being flown back to the Untied States to be scrapped.

tick symbol If you identify as underprivileged, you can get on a degree course @ Cambridge U. with 3 Bs from your A-Level exams. But if you pick a course infected with the woke mind virus, the degree will do your job prospects zero good.

first class stampreader comment“Looks like female MPs are going to have to turn up at the Commons in dungarees, a head scarf and a face mask so that they can't lark about, flashing their bits at male members opposite, have a laugh about it and then throw a monstrous wobbly when someone dares to mention what they're up to. Or maybe required to perform from a remote location using a TV system with the picture turned off.” Praw Naneg

bulletQ: Is Prince Andrew bovvered by the loss of the freedom of the City of York?
bulletA: As he is as likely to go there as Putinstan, it's unlikely that the cosmetic rejection will affect him.

Kreepy's Robotreader comment“We know now that the leader of the Opposition did not 'shut down' his own birthday party. We know now that he spent it breaking the law with two cakes, lemon & chocolate. We now have an Opposition leader Xposed as someone who will sleaze others whilst he lies & lies again about his own conduct.
   “Will he quit in disgrace? Sure he will. SNAFU.” Ava Niceone

markerSomething worth remembering
When the looney left moan about how much the government spent on useless PPE, etc., the government should start wondering how much Labour blew on similar stuff during the 2009/10 Mexican swine flu epidemic.
   Like the BILLION quid that went on vaccine that wasn't used, and which the Brown regime tried to pour quietly down the drain.
   And then there was the forecast that a million people would be killed in the UK by the virus.

bulletQ: How does a Tory MP end up watching porn in the Commons chamber?
bulletA: By opening an email sent to him by a Labour member with a warped sense of humour would do it.

rat'sFar Queue symbol The now invisible H. Harperson was voted Rear of the Year a dozen years ago because of her close resemblance to a horse's ass, conductwise.
furthermore . . .The general public is demanding a sea change in attitudes @ all Parliaments, national & devolved, right now and an end to the culture of lying & hypocrisy being seen as routine and normal.

markerFree speech @ an affordable price
Victims of the wonk mind virus are threatening to abandon Twatter now that Marsman Musk has taken over.
   They're afraid people who don't agree with their every burbling will be allowed back aboard to challenge them.
   They never shall be missed.

markerOur NHS is bumbling along @ the bottom of the world healthcare league table, a think tank's survey has found. And there seems to be no prospect of improvement. Ever.

markerCivil service shirkbots
Could we get Mr. Musk to reprogram the civil service to get rid of the Shirkbots @ Home and get passports, driving licences, etc. renewed in a couple of days rather than over 3 months?

Worried SturgeonFar Queue symbol Wee Burney has had an attack of Steamer's Disease and Scottish Labour's honcho is on her case for lying to the Scittish parliament about the detail of the advice on moving patients from hospitals to care homes early in the Chinese plaguedemic.

bulletA. Sarwar. the Labour honcho, has also been accused of lying by claiming he found what Wee Bee did 'shocking'. If he is a Labour politician, he has to know that lying and deliberately misleading everyone else for personal advantage goes on all the time in his trade.

marker++ Putinazis fail to kill UN Secretary, General Guterres, with missile attack on Ukranian capital during visit ++ Putinazis also threatening pot shot @ Britisch embassy ++ Retaliation for UK decision to do right thing and support Ukraine against unprovoked assault by deranged despot ++ Embassy was closed when Putinstan attacked ++
reader comment“What sort of threat is Putinstan to the staff of the British embassy in Kyiv if they're all Shirkbots?” Marie Yeller

markerThe Putinazis are doing fake assaults on their stooges in Moldova—no one dead, not much damage—to try to turn the part of Moldova controlled by the stooges into a staging post for Putinazi missile attacks on Ukraine.
Russian 3rd class stampfurthermore . . .Putrid the Poisoner's real reason for invading Ukraine has been revealed by a stooge; by accident and he is now enjoying a holiday in Siberia.
   The plan is to loot Ukraine of food and crops to feed Putrid's customers, who are short of everything; especially moral fibre; due to the damage inflicted on the Russian economy by the kleptocrat culture.
   As for Ukraine, anyone he can't kill with bombs, bullets or missles will be left to starve to death as Putrid continues his narzi crusade for Lebensraum.

beer pouredreader comment“If beer is 'necessary for work purposes', is Sirb Eery trying to position himself as an alcoholic, who can't function without a crateful of it? We should be told.” Raddler Blodges
reader comment“Sirk Reepy is a lawyer—a former Dir. Pubic Prost., as he keeps on reminding us. Which means that he knew the law and he chose deliberately to ignore it, presumably out of a sense of entitlement.” R. Cher
reader comment“Police & Crime Commishes, like the Sirk Reepy buddy in Durham, cannot instruct police officers directly, but they can drop a word in the shell-like of their local chief constable and make sure the message gets where it needs to go. Are we really Xpected to believe this never happens? Especially in Labour's rotten boroughs?” N. Viable

bullet The bloke who delivered the beergate nosh in Durham has been spoken to and he's now denying he was ever near the do.

yellow eyeMore Smoke ‘n' Mirrors
Labour & the Trivials are trying to confect the illusion of an anti-Tory landslide in this week's council elections by not fielding a candidate in areas where the other party has a chance to beat the Tories with a joint vote.
   As ever, postal voting fraud is Xpected to be @ record levels, especially in the usual suspect areas.

markerMilitant Islamists have had a kids' story about Biff, Chip & Kipper cancelled so that 6 & 7 year olds from the UK won't find out that being on their own in the Middle East is scary. The wonk mind virus is all over the Oxo U. Press.

markerLoophole sewn up
A dozen years ago, men were using Labour's ‘uman rights laws to get a sex-chance—paid for by the taxpayer—so they could claim the old age pension @ 60 instead of 65. Parade successfully rained upon!

reader comment“Why should Herr Becker be remorseful & humile about losing everything his tennis career gave him? Things the judge at his trial was complaining about the lack of. It's his life to live his way and he owes no one any apologies if he makes a bog of it.” Deon Leon

markerBig cheer for them!
Britisch Airways (foreign), which sacked 10,000 staff when the Chinese plague arrived, is saving The Planet by scrapping thousands of flights originally scheduled for the summer season.
   Its el cheapo rivals are also trying to leap aboard this bandwagon by keeping staffless planes on the ground; and failing to get the credit which they think they deserve.

bulletToday’s Word: Rebarbative—causes annoyance, repellent.
See also A. Robot, K. Steamer, W.B. Sturgeon, etc.

baseball hatDurham University's staff are in danger of cancellation for endorsing an anti-white indoctrination campaign run by the local Of Colour Bunch and making taking the course a requirement for the customers.

markerZ-sters @ half-chat
300 Westminster MPs have been put on Putrid the Poisoner's black list, which leaves 350 of the blighters positioned as suspected members of Team Putrid or classed as too bloody useless to be worth bothering about.

tick symbol An extension to the Treasonous Interference Act (1815) means that radical Islamists will no longer be sent to a UK gaol. On conviction, they will be given the choice of (1) paying a fine of £100,000 plus the entire cost of their processing & trial followed by deportation to any country which will have them, and (2) relocation to a death camp in Northern China.

bulletToday's the day for voting early & often.

The Gruesome Twosome

markerbulletQ: Why don't the Trivial Democrats have their equivalent of Biergate?
bulletA: Because everyone knows they had parties but the Trivials are not worth the effort of digging up details.
Bierspeak: "I take full responsibility."
Translation: "Not me, Gov."
"Labour mistake."
Translation: "Barefaced lie."
What makes his crime all the more heinous was the way he sneered at President Boris over something he himself had done but thought he'd got away with.

Be Advised The Justice Sec., D. Raab, will personally clip round the ear every prison guard who has the looney left bad taste to refer to the inmates as clients.

marker Why does Pres. MacRon hate the Britisch? Part of it is due to the lack of an invitation to do a state visit; something granted to all of his predecessors; and the chance to have tea with H.M. The Queen. The rest is down to no one who matters here thinking he's all that much cop.

markerZ in a boxTeam Putrid Rules?
Interesting statistic: the BBC has given less than 1% of the air time devoted to Tory leadership lock-in ‘crimes' to those of the Labour leadership.

markerThe interesting thing isn't that Boris is the first free-world president to address the Ukrainian parliament; via a videolink; it's why it took so long for someone to do it, given that Putrid has been trying to take over Ukraine for 2 months now.

markerAnother SNP screw-up in Wee Burneystan
At the start of this month, the Scottish government stood to collect £580,000,000 in thousand-pound fines from people who hadn't filled in the forms for its botched attempt to do a census, which was a year late and online only.
bulletThe constitution sec. A. Robertson, is blaming the war in Ukraine for the low return rate. Is that prethetic or is that bloody prethetic!
[Sounds award-winning. Ed.]

bulletThe solar panels installed at great expense on Edinburgh Castle provide only 1.7% of its electricity consumption. More greenwash/green bollocks.

markerRemember the Plaster Caster rock groupies of the 1960s? They are now classed as 'conceptual artists'. Wonk or what!

markerA plague on both houses
Most Americans don't want a second term as president for either Biden or Trump. They want a young-middle-aged, middle-of-the-road leader. Another Kennedy with the charisma and pragmatism but without the family baggage and especially without the priapism.
   It would also be helpful if the next president isn't as anti-Britisch as that crumb O'bummer was, and not all flash & no substance like O'bummer was.

markerIt was all about the money
Minimum pricing of booze in Wee Burneystan has snaffled the best part of 300 million quid from drinkers yet, despite all the wild claims, produced ZERO improvement in public health.

Shriek!markerShow Biz News
NeatFlix is currently inventing its own stories of bullying & harassment in the House of Common Criminals for a new 7-part series. One about Putrid the Poisoner and his collection of gymnast girlfriends is believed to be in preparation; at the early scripting stage.

bulletThe Chinese regime is oppressing 80% of Tibetan children. What a nice bunch the leaders are.

bullet The BP petrol price in Romiley has stayed stable @ 161.9p/litre since the last report but diesel has shot up 5p/litre to a rip-off 179.9p/litre.

Sergeant Schultzmarker Thanks a bunch, Comrade!
Sergeant Schultz's idea of German military aid for Ukraine is to dig out some obsolete anti-aircraft vehicles, which have been in a warehouse since the 1960s and which need 5 months' training to use(!), and need Swiss ammunition which the Swiss government is not minded to cough up.

marker Some Pal
Two months ago, Sergeant Schultz got a lot of praise for binning Ostpolitik and Angular Mherkel's policy of being on Team Putrid. Since then, he's done his best to make sure that Ukraine gets no heavy equipment from Germany and that German cash still floods into Putrid's bank account to pay for oil & gas & all the devastation in Ukraine.

Good News . . . for NeatFlix's 3 remaining paying customers—they will be spared Mhegan the Merciless' cartoon pre-teen, who has been cancelled by the new financial reality.

Be Advised The plurality scam has now degenerated from a business to a racket, and it has become overdue for a cancellation backlash of epic proportions.
furthermore . . .If an of colour actress can play the role of HM The Queen in some loada tosh, there has to be a bloke doing it next time on plurality grounds.

CANCELLEDFinally, Bermuda is taking steps to unflag the supery achts of Putrid cronies like Abram O'vich, which means that they will be unwelcome everywhere that isn't under Putrid's thumb. Which means no sea-going bonuses for the crews and probably no jobs for them.
[Should be okay going to Germany, then? Ed.]

Nessietick symbol The Nessie industry is still chonking along in Wee Burneystan with ‘mysterious pictures' of a creature ‘up to 30 feet long'. Which looks suspiciously like the whole library of pictures of the effects of wind-shear on the loch, which has been collected over the years.
   But hey, let's not let facts get in the way of a good legend.
[If we did, that would be the Labour party darn the plughole! Ed.]

Revealed The word is, they're going to remake the Fantasy Island TV series with Sirk Reepy & Angular Robot—and a bloke who's nearly 8 feet tall in the role of the midget on plurality grounds.

markerIf they’ve been at it, make the pips squeak
If power companies are making record profits by jacking up direct debits way above the prices they pay for gas & electricity, that means they have been swindling their customers and a windfall tax; a suitably vicious one; is fully justified.
   And an Xceptional rate of tax on the amounts paid to the bosses of these companies would also be a good idea.

rageHow very dare you not cough up a bundle of cash!
The French boss of AstraZeneca has the hump with the UK government big time for its failing to buy a Chinese plague treatment, which costs eight hundred bloody quid a pop.

markerNo surprise here
Putrid the Poisoner's stooges are claiming that Putridstan invented fish ‘n' chips because the Jewish immigrant who started selling the combo in London came from a country which Putrid has on his Lebensraum list.

marker Sirb Eery is setting himself up as an economist. But before anyone starts cheering, all he's going to be economical with is the truth. And he's using tony b. liar as his role model.

Tonto PutridmarkerIt’s all relative
Before the invasion began, stooges on Putridstan TV claimed that Ukraine would fall in 11 minutes. What they didn't mention, however, is that they were talking about Putrid's Patent Elastic Minutes.
   A senior consultant with the Russian Erasure Programme offered the opinion that the stooges are also trying to position the invasion as a favour to HM The Queen to take attention away from the general cancellation of Prince Andrew.

Ad Attack Never have enough time to do everything needed?
You need a box of Putrid's Patent Elastic Minutes!
Time means nothing to users—GUARANTEED!!!
Romiley Medical Supplies, 31 Riverside Drive

one beerFar Queue symbol The BBC is still banging on endlessly about partygate and not a word about Biergate. Clearly, the Bier Broadcasting Company remains as shamelessly biased as ever.
reader comment“Sirb Eery didn't know Angelica Robot was at his do @ Durham because . . . he ended up too blotto to kno what day it was?” Moe Hawk

markerBlast from the past
R. Moat, a mad gunman who wanted to shoot a copper, had to recruit 2 mates to search the streets in his part of Northumberland for a target. It would be at least a dozen mates in the current new normal.

bonehead It's not strictly fair to put this week's flood of illegals across the Channel after a spell of rough weather alongside the Rwanda plan. These are all people who paid their whack to the traffickers a couple of weeks ago, before things in the Channel kicked up, and had no choice about seeking out a soft touch in England.
   But hey! When has the concept of 'fair' had anything to do with politics and the looney left meeja?

reader comment“We don't need more houses built; especially not on flood plains and in the green belt. Ship all the illegals to Rwanda and there will be plenty of room. Especially if all the foreign criminals are deported, too.” Carl Hotter

alienbulletQ: What is keeping Putrid's finger off the nuclear button?
bulletA: Apparently, it's a warning that America's fleet of flying saucers—developed from technology won from the 1947 Roswell crash—will flatten Putridstan's major cities; after they've done away with Putrid's Black Sea holiday camp; at the first sign of a bogey on early warning systems.

Really Bloody Daft Idea Putrid the Poisoner is believed to be trying to impregnate every gymnast in reach in an attempt to rebuild the shattered Putinstani army with stooges loyal to him or reliant on him for pocket money.

Wee Burney's legsmarkerMore wheels off
Oh, oh! The English papers have started to go after something which the Sunday Post in Scotland has been up in arms about for years.
   Wee Burney 'launched' a ferry 4 years ago—the one with the windows painted on the superstructure—even though the hull wasn't seaworthy. It is still under construction with no completion date in sight.
   In fact, Burney's Gang bought 2 ferries for £97 million, this bill is heading for £500 million and Wee Burney & Co. are in full cover-up mode and lying like a Steamer about the project.

bullet The SNP's fave sources of smoke, mirrors & shredders are all enjoying boom years.

    WEEK 2    Stand by for this week’s Laughable Labour Lie

postage stampmarkerShould former POTUS D. Trump be required to comment on the burbling 'memoirs' of a bloke he had to sack for not coming up to the required standard? Not unless he's really desperate for something to do, which he ain't.

A distressed correspondent writes:
reader comment“After seeing Creaky Joe's latest blooper tape, I found myself thinking he's only a couple of years older than me. Is that me the year after next? Aaaaaaaaaaagh!” N. Counter

one beerreader comment“Sirk Reepy is a man of many hidden qualities, we are told. Unfortunately, he's such a stuffed shirt that they never dare come out to play.” Bruin Bakter
reader comment“He's a lawyer. He'll argue that up is down all day as long as some bugger hands him a big wodge of cash—their own or a contribution from the taxpayer's bottomless pit.” Ston Keeprom
bulletA superglue company is trying to get an endorsement from that well known HUTAgonian Sirb Eery.

Bier Kierreader comment“The Labour party has created a mess that's way more serious than a £50 fine for a nothing confected offence. The lies are worthy more of sackings; and even gaol time. That's for the politicians & the coppers in Durham and elsewhere who ignored & covered up the various Biergates.” Cal Chural

markerLondon's cosmetic mayor, Sadgeek K'han't (Labour), is proving to be a major road block in the search for a new honcho for the Polis of the Metrolopis. No one wants to work for a bloke like him.

Shriek!Sheri’s Roundup
bulletThe Twit of the Month Award has to go to the bloke who deployed the term "porngate" in his newspaper article about the MP who was watching it on his phone. It's unlikely anyone will top it.
bulletThe Bonk of England is offering an interest rate of a lousy 1% and inflation @ a mega 10%.
bullet China's plague has killed 15 million people worldwide. That's 3x more than the 'official' suppressed count.

left eyeBiggest chip on the shoulder, maybe
There's politics and there's the real world. The IRA won less than one-third of the 90 seats in the devolved Stormont parliament; with some tactical help from other republicans.
   That's not an election win. 46 seats or more is a win.
   The IRA vote hasn't risen significantly. The DUP is no longer the biggest chunk because the Unionist vote fragmented, making its various splinters smaller. But collectively. they still outnumber the IRA.
Scottish flag   Same with the Scots Nats in their parliament. They're not winners either. They don't have a majority, they're in a sort of coalition with the Greens.

bullet In fact, the local elections in Scotland are being seen as a shot across the bows of the SNP, which is now bleeding the defectors it gained from Labour back to where they came from.

reader comment“What message to the government do local council election results convey? We're not happy and we're not clappy. Not Xactly an original story as the Great Britisch Public will always find something to whinge about.” A. Spiring

markerPutin the ‘shat’ into shattered
The 181p/litre barrier for BP diesel has been shattered in Romiley. It's now 181.9p/litre. And petrol is 165.9p/litre.

reader comment“What the government needs to do is hand all the illegals over to Ofsod and stop dicking around.” Tram Lised

markerThe WHO is in an uproar about the takeaway food culture in the UK. The main concern is that the population will become too fat & contented & complacent to give a monkey's about the dire fake news from the UN's GW fraud department.

markerWord of the Week: SKYDDSRUM
Finnish for shelter—for everything from rain to a nuclear attack from Putinstan.

one beerBombshellOfficers of Sirb Eery's armed police bodyguard team were @ the Biergate Do in Durham. And all the others. Strange no one has got round to questioning them. The fix must be really in!
[Are they going to be on the list for fines too? As accessories? Ed.]

markerTruth is always the first casualty of the legal trade
Sirb Eery has clearly been hitting the bottle more than usual if he thinks stealing from the middle classes via higher taxes will make him electable. [or execrable, as the spell-checker would have it. Ed.]
   Or any more electable than O.J. Corbynstein, whom he tried to fob off on an unwilling nation just a couple of years ago. Long on entitlement, short on honesty & morality, and not that popular Up North where real people live.

Far Queue symbol Tools in the Trade
Sirk Reepy was hypocritical about rule-breaking and should resign.
   Same with Angelical Robot.
   President Boris wasn't and needn't.
bulletToday's Question:
Will a Steamer resignation for lying have the impact of a suicide bomber?
Far Queue symbol All together now!
"We're here because we're Kier because we're beer because we're here. We're here because we're . . . whatever because we're . . . whoever because we're . . . hic!"

markerWon’t save The Planet
Attention everyone who has fallen for the wine in a paper bottle with a plastic liner fad. Don't put it in an ice bucket or the bottle will go soggy and you'll have a disaster on your hands.

marker‘Then his wheels came off’ or ‘Mr. Kettle is upset’
The current Labour leader was (and remains) all in favour of preventing people from visiting a dying relative, but he thought it was okay for him to have a bier & curry night with his mates. More hippocrisy of brontosaurus proportions.
reader comment“Not half as upset as the people who were bombarded on the Bier Broadchasing Company with his hippocrisy about President Boris.” Gorran Natichude

bulletQ: Is The Queen right to cancel Prince Hazzer from her balcony Jubilee Celebration during the Trooping of the Of Colour?
bulletA: It's supposed to be a celebration of her 70 years in the job, not a photo opportunity for Hazzer and his ghastly missus. HM got it dead right.

The only Nazis in Europe are Putinazis

markerBonk of England threatening to drive inflation up to 12%.
Banks to keep interest rate at 0.01%.

bulletQ: Does an actress score any points when she appears to choke back tears in a trial with lots of loot at stake?
bulletA: Only if the judge and the jury (if there is one) are complete idiots and don't know that the ability to fake tears is money in the bank for an actress.

reader comment“What we need to do with obstructive Whitehall mandarins is treat them like the tinned mandarin oranges that go into a sweet course—chop them up a bit and put them into a jelly; preferably one made using concrete so that they will sink when we take them out to sea and heave them overboard.” Rapis Krap

Kreepy's Robotreader comment“If the Labour lot want to do something useful with Angelica Robot, they should send her to Moscow to flash her bitz @ Putrid the Poisoner to see if that distracts him from trying to turn Ukraine into Lebensraum.” Ram Jam Damn!
reader comment“If Sirb Eery & A Robot are claiming they'll quit if they're fined for blatant plague rule breaking, that proves the fix must be in up to the elbow and double standards rule, nokay, in the police & the Labour party.” Annro Binson

The education trade is in favour of abolishing written exams, which have lots of security to prevent tampering, and replacing them with on-line tests, which are much easier to hack and manipulate to cover up falling standards.

beerreader comment“Beery buffets were banned at one time of Chinese plague surge, so Sirb Eery held one for 30 people in a Labour rotten borough, a gang which included his robotic deputy and the local MP**. And then the beery one lied about it. That's how fit for office he is.” N. Voy
[** She's the one who threw the drunken tantrum on the terrace at the House of Commons when the truth was coming out. Ed.]
reader comment“Work yes; buffet, no. Them were the rules at the time. And Sirk Reepy knew it ‘coz he knows bloody everything.” N. Vee
beerreader comment“He's a worthy heir to tony b. liar, another Labour leader, who lied his head off to get us into an illegal war in Iraq whilst claiming he was a pretty straight kind of guy. Real dog-legs, the pair of them.” Y. Pout
reader comment“Pretty straight, Old Steamer? Straight from the gutter of politics.” Barry Solid
reader comment“He probably thinks being the real deal—being thoroughly dishonest rather than just a bit of a fibber—is some sort of recommendation.” Triple Nine

right eyemarkerMore London “Not Me, Gov!”
There's a culture of bullying @ the socialist version of Eton in London? Well, what do you expect other than accusations of this sort from looney left slackers who found themselves confronted by a head teacher with expectations of teachers teaching and pupils learning?

reader comment“One thing that hasn't occurred to Sirb Eery is that the Durham Do was his official birthday—rather than the real one (cf. Her Majesty The Queen)—and he felt it was Xempt from the rulz.” Phi Nance

Scottish flagDon’t call us
The Greens in Scotland have assumed the role of the Trivials in England, as far as council elections are concerned. People who don't want to vote for either of the relevant parties here, but who feel obliged to vote for someone, go for the Trivs.
   Similarly, people who don't want to vote SNP, Tory or Labour in Wee Burneystan vote Green as a way of telling Wee Burney they don't want her.

Z in a boxPutinstan is being hacked by pro-Ukrainian cybersneaks on a massive scale. Hundreds of millions of embarrassing documents are flooding into cyberspace & Russian hackers are finding everything about them, including their passwords, is going global.
   The hackers are also messing with Russian railways, which have primitive control systems, to frustrate movement of military stuff.

markerNo one to blame but himself
Starmer noseThe thing that makes Sir Steamer's position untenable is the lies. President Boris didn't lie about his alleged crime against humanity, he presented his case, he apologized and he paid the confected fine.
   The Kreepy bloke put on multiple displays of fake red-faced outrage in the Commons, and lied and lied again about what he'd done. And continued to lie after he'd been found out.
   Okay for a leader like Putrid, nokay for the leader of Her Majesty's Opposition.
   Clueless, wooden, thoroughly dishonest.
reader comment“Honesty & decency matter, he claimed. But they clearly do not apply to Sirk Reepy's personal doings.” N. Uclear

markerEncouraged by all the attention being grabbed by Putrid the Poisoner's attempt to take over Ukraine, Israel is doing a bit more Xpanding in its occupied territories.

cross symbol Icons from the 19th & 20th centuries, a survey has found, are largely unknown to bright young things born after 1990. Be they artists, film stars, pop stars or scientists of note, mentioning their name just produces a blank stare from youngsters. Fame is that fleeting.

markerMuddy feet
Surprise! The saintly Mother Theresa, who copped for a Nobel Peace Prize, has turned out to be typical of the recipients. She believed in torture for her nuns & the customers @ her leper colony & hospital for paupers, and she helped the Catholic church to cover up child abuse.
   Even worse, the Vatican bank copped for most of the loot that was supposed to go to the relief of poor people.

eyesYes, we’re bragging!
Are we surprised the wheels came off Sirb Eery's Durham Do fairy tales? Nope. We pulled them off here three months ago.

rage It's all very well for Tory local councillors to Blame Boris for losing seats in the elections but they are the ones at the sharp end who are failing to give the customers anything to encourage them to vote for these characters.
   Either that, or the locals don't care who's the council because they know that services will always be duff and their cash will always be blown on stupidities; that's the cash that doesn't disappear into the pockets of usual suspects for fancy allowances and perks for failed officers.
first class stampreader comment“Wot difference to us here in Romiley does it make who runs councils in London? The only thing that counts in London is who's in charge of the government. And if it's not Labour, we're okay.” Skite Lantic
reader comment“The wonks who voted Labour in London will find their C Tax soaring and their services, e.g. bin collections, becoming worser. Welcome to Labour's reality, suckers!” D. Selclaim
reader comment“The big problem with London is the yokels are so OMG.” Granda Week

Your advert HEREZ in a boxThe rogue state of iZrael is continuing the tactics of its role model, Putinstan, by murdering journalists in its zones of occupation. Al Jazeera journalist Shireen Abu Akleh, killed in the West Bank of the Jordan river occupation zone, has become the 46th victim of this terror campaign since 2000. She was wearing a PRESS jacket and a helmet, but the iZraeli sniper put a bullet just below the helmet to kill her.
   A producer with her was shot in the back by another iZraeli soldier but survived.

bulletThere are 500-700 attacks per year recorded on journalists by iZrael.

reader comment“State sponsored terrorism by iZrael is a crime as heinous as anything Russia is doing in Ukraine. Even the US State Department finds it criminal!!” Awesome Welles
reader comment“Such a campaign of deadly intimidation over so many years is clear evidence that the iZraeli army is either totally out of control or the country's leaders are ashamed of what they get the army to do in occupied zones and don't want scrutiny. Most probably, the latter.” Len Curious
reader comment“iZrael needs to be held to account just as much as other countries which commit crimes against humanity.” Snap Haunce
reader comment“Nowt about it on the BBC news, of course.” Calum Mitty

What’s this doing here?
Our source of leaks of the FWW1 scripts never got round to sending us last weekend's and we didn't notice the omission until this arrived by email last night!
Week 5: The race on an airport circuit became a demolition derby with 15 of 21 cars failing to finish. TFQ was on the podium again in 3rd.

reader comment“It was very polite of Prince Chuck to sit on a stool next to his mother's throne for the State Opening of Parliament to remind everyone she's still in charge.” Rick Maver

Lotz more fallout
The police have also shot some new holes in their collective feet, confirming that they are making no secret about following a pro-Labour, anti-Tory agenda.
   They confected a fine for President Boris in London, making Chancellor Snack collateral damage, and they didn't even bother to investigate Sir Steamer's beery Durham Do until they were tasered into it by evidence from the general public.
reader comment“Sir Lier Steamer is the heir to tony b. liar? That's the Labour way.” Envar Conse

Far Queue symbol According to the lunatic fringe, you can't be ‘no platformed' if they say you don't have a platform to be unplatformed from and try to prevent you from speaking using an unruly mob.

bulletToday’s Question: Is it 'grown women' or 'groan, wimmin'?

skull 2Something else that Labour has been lying about ‘coz it's not in government—the death rate from the Chinese plague in the UK. Surprise! It's not the worst in the world, as Labour mouthpieces have been yelling.
   WHO Xperts reckon that looney lefties in the healthy industry have been exaggerating the plague death rate here deliberately to try to score sordid political points by misleading & alarming their customers.
   Data on who died of the Chinese plague rather than with it is totally unreliable everywhere, both here & abroad.
reader comment“Like Putin the Poisoner spouting his lies about his attack on Ukraine, Labour continues to spout its lies about plague statistics. Gives them something to do, I suppose.” Tommy Hawk

bulletQ: How does increasing the bank rate by 0.25% when inflation is 10% encourage people to save instead of spend their money whilst it still has some value?
bulletA: It doesn't, especially if the banks don't pass rate rises on to their customers.

cross symbolGet ready to duck, it’s Friday the Thirteenth!
Shame Putrid the Poisoner didn't dare start the nuclear war he was threatening over his invasion of Ukraine to save us from this awful day.
   That was a very tame speech he had to do on Putinstan's Day of Shame, when Putinazis are forced to remember their betrayal of their German Nazi allies in the 1940s.

Nice to see you . . .
. . . Putinastyfied!

++ Putinstani ambassodor 'Jackson Pollocked' in Warsaw on Day of Shame ++ Left in no doubt about how welcome he was ++ 'Bloody face for Putinazi' said foreign ministry spokesman ++
reader comment“Surprised they didn't use blue & yellow paint as well as red for a more artistic effect.” P. Icasso

painted Russian ambassodor

hawthorn in flowerAttention clout-casters!
May (hawthorn) be out (in flower) ————>

markerThe Golden Gate bridge between San Francisco and Oakland is to be cancelled for containing the word ‘gate', that vexatious cliché, in its name.

Far Queue symbol Corbynstein, the looney leftie then Sir Steamer, the lying, entitled lawyer. The world awaits agog to see what the Labour party can come up with next.
   Diane ‘Abacus' Abbott is being suggested—usually by people wearing a big grin.

markerThe estate agent scam of keeping the price of a property a secret is to be banned to spare hopeful potential buyers from applying for a price only to find it's way out of their league and they're wasting their time.

railway locoThe wheels grind slowly & inefficiently; always
The Elizabeth Line addition to London's transport network proves that the people in charge of infrastructure projects in England are deadlegs as big as any in Wee Burneystan, home of ferry, airport, trams and other infrastructure catastrophes.
   The new line is 4 years late, as far as completion and joining up the piecemeal bitz is concerned. Natch, it's £5 BILLION over budget @ £18 BILLION. And the signal system was a major IT flop for ages. But the scam has given a lot of people the illusion of gainful employment for years and years.

marker It takes a lot of the gloss off Marsman Musk's attempt to take over Twatter to hear that he's going to have to saddle the company with a mountain of debt to get the buy done.

Far Queue symbol The morons in charge of the RAF don't want white guys to do press conferences in the name of plurality.

eyes President MacRon is highly upset by Britain's refusal to join a groupies' club—with the French in charge—for countries which aren't in the EFU but wish to be bound by its ludicrous rules.

markerShell is planning to invest £25 BILLION here, BP is talking about £18 BILLION. And there's the Labour lot, yelling for a windfall tax, which could cancel these investments and the jobs they create or secure.
   Labour is definitely on Team Putrid.

markerHypocrisy + outright deceit
Sirk Reepy Steamer dug his own political grave by lying about his own conduct and playing the Holy Joe. That was just one of many question marks hovering around a man who revealed quite shamelessly that he doesn't know the difference between right & wrong.
reader comment“All he's doing now is the suicide bomber thing. He's just trying to make the best of a very bad job by dragging President Boris down with himself. Slushtag ^SerialLoser.” Purple Hurd

bulletToday’s Question:
Should someone be smacking Putrid the Poisoner round the back of the head until he reduces his aggressions to microagressions, e.g. being allowed to invade only the office next door to his?
reader comment“People who complain about microagressions are repulsive nit-pickers who are so desperate for something to be offended by that they have to descend from the real world into some microscopic irrelevance.” Gol Darngate

markerMr. Rules Are For Other People or The Nose of Shame
The ishue for Sirb Eery is no longer whether he broke the plague rules in Durham, it's whether he lied about his conduct. He did and his position is no longer tenable due to his dishonesty.
   What do we conclude from Biergate and his failure to do the decent thing? That it doesn't matter if the leader of the Labour party is a hypocritical liar because he's totally irrelevant. And Sirb Eery probably thinks getting his mug on a special issue stamp makes it all worthwhile
postage stampreader comment“Steamer is the classic cornered rat and his talk about resigning if fined was rightfully dismissed as just a pathetic attempt to tell the Durham police to do nothing or it would be the worse for them in a Labour rotten borough.” Will Yamill
reader comment“Why is it right for Durham police not to issue retrospective fines for plague rule violations when the Met does? Other than the workings of dirty pool politics against the Tories and in the favour of their opponents?” Rick Stack

tick symbol There's a good alibi on offer for the UK in the Eurovision Song Ambush for once. Ukraine is scheduled to get all the votes and Putridstan will be getting the nul points this time round.

marker The country's flying insect population has fallen by 27-34%; depending on the area surveyed; in the last few years. The Xperts are blaming on-shore wind farms, which are also depleting bird populations alarmingly.

bonehead Putrid the Poisoner is trying to inflict famine on the world by stealing crops from Ukraine and preventing the export of its food products.
   Despite that, he keeps trying to play the Poor Little Stinker card and he keeps claiming that everyone hates him.
   But that's the only thing people with morals and integrity can do when someone with such a defective character is making trouble needlessly.

markerThings you learn from the papers
There's a craft for making glass ships in glass bottles. Unlike the conventional ship in a bottle made of wood, etc, the glass ones have to be put into a bottomless glass bottle, not through the neck, and the bottom is fused in place to finish the job. Bit of a cheat but the finished article looks very decorative.

markerXpert in the bleedin obvious
The boss of ScottischPower is complaining that the government's 200 quid loan to customers to ease the pain of the energy price crisis ain't enuff. Which implies that his customers are too thick to realize that he's going to do them for an Xtra grand or two, and they wouldn't know that if he hadn't told them.

markerMore bleedin obvious
The Talibandits in Afghanistan are ordering wimmin to wear a burko and not go out as they have no important jobs to do out of doors. They claimed they'd cleaned up their act when they took over, but they were just doing a Steamer and they remain the Repression R Us party.

markerOutdated imposition
The BBC is to blow £50 million over 4 years on customer surveys in the name of making programmes wonker & more diverse rather than just checking up on viewing figures to find out what's appreciated. Definitely another reason for cancelling the licence fee.

bullet Will Yamill is now taking bets on when Dr. Who will be played by a talking parrot in the name of species plurality.

markerBy the numbers shall ye prosper
EasyJet has come up with a smart wheeze to cope with the staff shortages caused by sacking vast numbers of minions when the Chinese plague arrived. The rules say they have to have 6 minions on duty per 150 seats. Taking 6 seats out at the back of a 156-seater airliner lets them fly with one body less!

Far Queue symbol The Xperts have concluded that the best way to annoy your neighbour is to install one or more of a garden hot tub, a BBQ pit and a children's trampoline.


To Books (Worth) ReadingTo Books (Worth) ReadingMr. Wydey’s Book List

Highly Recommended Reading, Authors worth pursuing & some Awful Warnings, Hundreds of Bux listed!

    WEEK 3    Putin the ‘evil’ into evilution

footballFA Cup
It was mainly Liverpool @ the start of the final. Then Chelski started to do a bit. No goals in the first half. Attacking by Chelski to start the second. The car parks @ both ends got a bit of a fright but the goals remained the safest places to be on The Planet.
   Serious cash going on bets predicting Xtra time. Useless! Another bad miss at the end of regulation time. The heavy gravy was now going on penalties as the decider.
   Chelski corner? Nowt from it. Dive for a free kick? Nowt from it. Another Chelski corner, Nope. Nuffink.
   The commentators were making noises about this being an ‘epic' match. An epic fail to score any goals, more like. BFN's reporter bailed out @ ten past seven to watch a daft sciffy film on Channel 5. Apparently, Liverpool won on penalties. Yawn.

markerFantasy Freaks
The IRA claim that Ulster is ripe for a referendum on quitting the UK to become part of the Irish Republic is a loada boloney. There's no NHS in Eire and customers have to stump up €60 to visit a GP. And pay the same for every repeat prescription.
   Similarly, Wee Burneystan, if independent, would take years to get into the EU; if it could ever meet the entry conditions and qualify for subs from Germany. And the temporary, pre-euro currency north of the border, the Burney groat, would be a joke.
   And there's no way Wee Burney & Co. would be able to keep things going in the meantime if cut off from the BILLIONs they get from Englisch taxpayers.
furthermore . . .The Westmonster government is not going to give up on what we own in Scotland, but getting rid of Ulster would be a positive. And the IRA know it. And doing us a favour would kill them!

markerEntitlement Rulz, Nokay
Bungabunga Marcos is the 17th president of the Philippines? This is the son of the guy who stole and stashed billions out of reach of his customers to buy thousands of pairs of shoes for the new guy's grasping mom. One is left assuming that the other candidates had to be total Steamers if he got twice as many votes as his nearest rival.

reader comment“A shortage of hayfever tablets @ a time when demand is always high has to be deliberately engineered. No question. Xcept for the question of by whom? And also why?” Arne Oyster

bulletQ: We keep hearing about orbits but never a word about eitherbits. Why?
bulletA: Because those in charge think offering too many alternatives will just confuse their thick customers.

markerThe Mind Doctor reckons that 5% of the population has a personality disorder—like the appalling A. Heard's tendency to take a dump somewhere inappropriate like someone else's bed. Hurry on Xtinction!

The Nose of Dishonour
beer pouredreader comment“That's an interesting alibi for the Biergate Durham Do @ the Miners Retreat—that everyone was too pissed to know what they were doing! ” U. Slagatha
reader comment“And there was no question of the local MP and her gang being there to do any work. They just turned up to get pissed. They were just there for a jolly with Sirk Reepy, one of the celebrants confirmed.” Treppen Blue

boneheadOver and out
After due consideration, the Xperts have concluded that the parade in Moscow on Putinstan's Day of Shame was Putrid the Poisoner's way of starting the long job of preparing his customers for losing the war he started in Ukraine.

markerTrust the BBC . . . like Labour, to lie to us
The wheels have come off one of its gorbal warmage fraudster episodes on Panorama, which was made for the Cop-Out Beanfeast season last November and later subjected to an internal investigation by the Beeb.
• Deaths world wide due to Xtreme weather cause by man-made climate change are rising?
   Beeeep! Lie.
• Madagascar is on the verge of a famine caused by man-made gorbal warmage?
   Beeeep! Lie.
Oh, dear. How sad. Never mind, there'll be another buncha lies along in a minute.

markerDon’t travel, stay where you are
The bosses of 3 railway unions are planning to band together to make impossible demands backed up by a summer of strikes to drive the industry into Xtinction.

reader comment“It's all very well, the NHS making noises about clearing the backlog. But what about the frontlog and the sidelogs? Not to mention the top- and bottomlogs.” Ban Krobber

the grasping MuggermarkerNot good enuff
Centrica—profits up 55% to £1.4 BILLION—is yelling in protest against talk of a windfall tax and claiming it's throwing buckets of cash around to help out its customers. Right! A lousy £50 million.

The government doesn't know what to make of a remark by the boss of BP, who claimed that a windfall tax wouldn't affect the company's investment plans. The big problem is that his name is Bernard Looney!

pound coinsmarkerBurp!
Natch, the tax & spend & wasters have parlayed this one remark by one boss into a claim that every boss of every company making stonking windfall profits thinks the same.
reader comment“A windfall tax is a punishment for success. Which is why the Labour party, the enemy of Team GB, is so keen on them.” I.O. Vry
reader comment“A windfall tax doesn't punish success, it just grabs cash off companies which made huge pots of cash out of rising prices and didn't share the windfall with their mug punter customers. Which makes the grabbing bastards fair game for a Chancellor whose star is in the descendant and who needs some popularity.” Confie Dent

Far Queue symbol The wonks are losing ground. 26% of people think being called woke is a compliment but 36% know it's an insult. The majority don't care.

shoes competitionbulletToday’s Competition:
Which failed dodgy political spiv wears these naff shoes?

Answers on a PC to the usual address.

bulletQ: What can a self-condemned hypocritical liar do when he's a busted flush in politics?
bulletA: He could always try a new career as a model for Flamboyantly Furry Dracula boots.

Steamer the Clown He's established his credentials as a potential member of the National Union of Clowns. All
he needs to come up with now is 2 sponsors and the subscription.
++ Sir Lier Steamer waves 2 fingers @ Red Wall Zone ++ Still parachuting Metropolitan Bremoaners into elections in uncharted wilderness Up North ++ Next @ Wakefield ++ Evicted MP getting free board & lodging courtesy of Her Majesty for noncery ++

Ad Attack Be the one who sets the trend!
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   —flamboyant AND furry!

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bulletQ: How has North Korea avoided the Chinese plague until this month?
bulletA: By calling what plague customers have something else.

Far Queue symbol ++ Government to give 91,231 unproductive civil servants the chance to do something useful for a change ++ Bremoaners will be first out the door ++ Usual suspects in dizzy spin of outrage ++ Policy's popularity rating 97% ++

baseball hat Foreign spies will have to register @ a central location from now on. Failure to do so will result in an eye-watering fine. If the fine is not paid promptly, defaulters will be subject to deportation to China for inclusion in an involuntary organ donation programme.

Nessie toyFar Queue symbol Wee Burney Sturgeon is inviting a visit from the blokes in white labcoats with a claim that Scotland has a special relationship with the Untied States when we all know that Creaky Joe wouldn't be able to pick her out of an ID parade consisting of just Burney & Nessie.

bulletNews Update
President MacRon of France, who is currently trying to take over or outflank the EFU, has been declared a coulotte de puta.

marker Police Scotland has blown £2 million on fitting to police cars, black box data recorders which they can't switch on—because no bugger knows how to use them, is the official Xcuse.

markerOnly in London
Some headbanger is offering an off-road parking space near Harabs for 85 grand. One small snag—after you've backed your car into it; and avoided scraping the paintwork; you will find that there is no room to open a door to get out of it.
reader comment“In the picture with a knocking job in one of the papers, there's space enough for another car above the one in the trap. Installing a lift for the first car could give a mug somewhere to put two cars you can't get out of.” Bar Reetook

eyesThe National Audit Office has told the BBC that it has no Xcuse for ditching several of its TV & radio channels as it is still wasting 31% of the licence fees it Xtracts on duplication, overpaid wonks and unnecessary frills.

marker Leeds United is in deep, deep trouble if it thinks using the psycho-sadist Mother Theresa as an inspiration for its players will stave off crashing down into the 2nd Division.

bonehelmetFar Queue symbol Police Scotland is facing a major investigation for making a total bog of investigating cases of domestic abuse.

markerNUS cancelled for anti-Semitism.
No one surprised.

skull 2First of many . . .
++ Ukraine puts first Putinstani invader into war criminal trial ++ Charged with multiple counts of murder & crimes against humanity ++ Legal trade Xpecting ginormous bonanza from trialfest ++

5pFar Queue symbolMarsman Musk suspends attempt to take over Twatter because of large number of phantom accounts, which provide zero advertising revenues and create totally false impression of support for vexatious lunatics.

markerZero Motive Power
A trade union boss is claiming that passive aggressive notes left on unoccupied desks will demotivate his civil service members.
   Which raises the question of how they will know they got a note if they're Skiving @ Home, being paid for not working?
reader comment“Typical union wonk. Doesn't get that you can't demotivate someone who's @ a dead stop.” Barr Rumbug
reader comment“The union boss knows that President Boris wants a brilliant civil service of the brightest & best. Shame we're stuck with the boss's gang of skivers.” Barr BaaBar

Z in a boxWe will bury you
Labour stooges in Durham & other Labour rotten boroughs where there were bossly rule-benders have been left in no doubt that the sky will fall on them if they breathe a word to the news meeja about what really happened @ any of Sirb Eery's boozy dos.
meanwhileThe Bier Broadcasting Company is up to its armpits in complaints about its failure to give Biergate anything like the Xposure that Partygate got. And not enjoying the experience one little bit.
reader comment“Balance @ the Beeb? That'll be the day.” Hilla Beenz

marker Putinizing BOGOF is plain stoopid. What the government needs to do is educate its customers in school so that they know if you get 2 for the price of one, eating both instead of just one is stoopid.
   And The Blob needs to be sanctioned if it fails to go along with this education programme.

Far Queue symbol Strange actress going to gaol.

Be Advised The Chinese plague is getting the blame for the recent surge in the civil service Blob size, and the plague's abatement is one of the reasons for some trimming.
reader comment“Bin your Green Bollocks taxes too, Boris. You kno it makes sense, no matter what Scary Carrie tells you.” Cease Hawes

The civil service Scargills claim that working is no longer a place but what is done.
Interpretation—No place and bugger all done.
first class stampreader comment“Not just a come-uppance is needed for the Scaregills. It needs to be turned sideways before insertion.” Wiley Minoglue
reader comment“Civil servants thinking they're entitled to swan off to skive @ home in the South of France or the Bahamas is a dead giveaway that they are all about their lifestyle now rather than working effectively. Get rid of the shirkers and let the replacements know that they need to earn their perks & pension.” Jess Turing

Far Queue symbol The EFU is claiming that the UK making noises about tearing up the deliberately vexatious Northern Ireland Protocol unilaterally encouraged Putrid the Poisoner to invade Ukraine.

markerThe UK wants to sort things out by negotions with our Europeon friends. One small problem; we have none nearby.

Z in a boxbulletQ: How does Putinstan get its death toll from the attack on Ukraine down to 3,000 when everyone knows its way higher?
bulletA: By refusing to accept delivery of the bodies of troops found with their pockets stuffed with rings, other jewellery and other loot for fear of being done as accessories to even more war crimes.

markerIf 23% of the population suffer from chronic pain, there is something severely defective about the design of the human body

markerJust in case Bruce Willis is past it . . .
NASA is planning to bash a space vehicle into an asteroid in September to get some practical data on just how much deflecting violence they can Xert on a steroid which is threatening to wipe out part of Earth that isn't China, Putinstan or mainland Europe.

markerImaginary fools' gold concepts like cryptocurrencies & Non Fungicidal Tokens are taking a hammering as reality bites chunks off their nominal value versus real wealth tokens.

markerIf you survived last night's violent weather provided by the BBC's forecasters, you're probably bloody lucky. It looked v. dramatico on the animated weather maps!

bullet ++ Inflation only 9% ++ Gov of Bonk of England fails to reach 10% target again ++

cross symbol The Governor of the Bonk of England has admitted he's the proverbial chocolate teapot where tackling inflation is concerned. Fair to middling at promoting it by printing lotz of funny money but useless at getting it reduced.

markerBeneficial erosion
The fall in productivity of the civil service due to empire building by the mandarins means that it is ripe for a reduction in size of 20%, which is being presented as a means of freeing £3.5 BILLION from the national budget to fund tax cuts.
reader comment“That just takes it down to the 2016, Dave the Leader level. Which means there has to be scope for trimming off another 20% at least.” Faz Ackeley

markerThe reason why the boss of the Beeb was making noises about cancelling some channels has emerged. He's giving his luvvies a 5% pay rise.

Z in a boxand you’re dead
Break down on a 'smart' motorway with no hard shoulder and you're three times more likely to be killed than if you break down on a proper motorway. You're also 70% more likely to be injured by a crash; either as the crashee or the crasher. Why? 'Coz the Stopped Vehicle Detection system struggles to reach 90% effectiveness on a good day.

pound coinmarker20 is a magic number
The Xperts Xpect the poorest 20% of the UK population will have to cut their spending on non-essentials by 20%. But the good news is that if they are still able to afford some non-essentials, they can't be terminally impoverished. Which won't stop them pleading poverty, tho'.

cross symbol A former managing director of the London Fields brewery has had his sacking confirmed by an industrial tribunal. He got the push for organizing a piss-up @ his brewery in breach of plague rules.
reader comment“No doubt Sirb Eery is pissed off because he didn't get an invitation.” Mompy Dushal

dope A freebie organized by a Californian drug company has persuaded London's dotty cosmetic mayor, Sadgeek K'han't, that decriminalizing cannabis growing in Britain would be a Good Thing.
   Shame that the power to do it isn't in his shaky hands.
   The Geek is creating a powerless Drugs Commission, which will be figureheaded by Lord Forkbender, sometime flatmate of tony b. liar and the bloke who presided over the shambles that was that waste of a million quid called the Millennium Dome.
   Desperation corner, or what!

bullet The Sad Geek thinks legalizing cannabis will give him the of colour vote in London, so it's nothing to do with public health & wellness and everything to do with him and making life easier for current criminals.

markerVested & Panted interest
Scrapping the BBC licence fee will cause irrevocable damage to the fabric of Britisch society, the boss of the Beeb reckons.

Sir ConkbulletQ: What's Sirb Eery's personal motto?
bulletA: Anatole France's assertion that without lies, humanity would perish of despair and boredom
bulletQ: So he would have us believe all his Biergate lies contributed to the gaiety of nations?
bulletA: He seems to reckon it's worth a try.

bulletNoticing that someone is bald and/or fat now constitutes sexual harrissment.

Your advert HEREreader comment“If the head of Ukraine's spy department thinks there's a coup in process in Putridstan, but it won't get rid of the crumbling poisoner before the end of the year, that sounds about right for something being done by half-hearted bumblers.” Soup Lex

markerWhen does logic ever get you anywhere?
Most of the population of the UK is o'bese, we keep being told. Which means that most people are well lagged against the cold. Which, in turn, means that come winter, the choice between eating & heating doesn't apply as eating even more when you're o'bese is unnecessary.

markerFat Fixtures
The sedentary, overeating lifestyle of Shirk @ Homers is likely to put them into an early grave, the Xperts are warning. Especially if they overload the NHS to crumbling point with self-inflicted conditions.

Far Queue symbol Sadly, the scumbag left still has lots of time on its hands for being obnoxious. Especially the ones in public sector non-jobs, who have to resort to throwing eggs at statues to get noticed.

tick symbol Putin the poisoner's assault on Ukraine is succeeding in tipping the neutrals off the fence to land on the NATO side. Bets are now being laid on when Switzerland will ask to be let into the club.

rage The main story of the Cup Final seems to be that there is one after all. Not the uninspiring goalless draw of a match but the bad manners of the booing Scousers and the Liverpool manager who evidently doesn't Xpect them to behave like decent folks.
   Same response from the area's 5 MPs. All Labour, of course.

Far Queue symbol France, which belongs intermittently to some outfit called OTAN, is Xpected to have no chance of being let into NATO.

markerBritisch Xperts reckon that Putrid the Poisoner has lost around one-third of the troops sent to do a walkover in Ukraine. Not that he'd ever admit it.

bonehelmetTwo speeds—dead slow & stop
The Durham police are really dragging their feet over their alleged investigation of crimes against humanity perpetrated @ Biergate and elsewhere.
   Nothing in the way of a report is Xpected this side of Xmas. And possibly not before everyone has forgotten who Sirk Reepy Steamer is!

reader comment“The Chancellor doesn't need to impose a windfall tax on the energy companies as Xisting stealth taxes, particularly the freezing of various tax thresholds, will shove £7.5 BILLION into the public purse for him to splurge.” Barry Tone

markerThe Gov. Of the Bonk of England has failed to make a friend of the Business Sec., K. Kwarteng, who thinks he's dragging his feet deliberately when it comes to getting inflation down to his target of 2%.

baseball hatThe beery Steamer has been promoted. He was Captain Hindsight based on his performance after the Chinese plague arrived. He is now Major Hypocrite following his Biergate lies after all his confected hoo-haa about Partygate.
reader comment“Lieutenant-Colonel Waste of Space next?” Ross Shopper
reader comment“At least he won't have to do captainly things any more, like those that the Welsh Labour MP Captain Underpants gets up to. Which, apparently, include dressing up in a skimpy bodysuit to look like a female Spanish pop person.” Luke Inglass

More space wasted
The Sad Geek is supposed to be London's Crime Commissioner. But he seems to have interpreted the role as doing nothing about an epidemic of knife crime and everything to make drug dealing compulsory.
reader comment“Something else the Sad Geek (Labour) is presiding over is the police in London giving car thieves a free hand. The charging rate for car theft is abysmal.” Epithelial Pale
reader comment“Given the abysmal availability of chargers for electric cars, the number of thefts is going to soar if thieves are planning to go any distance as they will need to steal multiple vehicles!” Coada Varms
reader comment“Can it be a coincidence that car thieves in Greater Manchester get almost as much of a free ride as the ones in London, given that our Crime Commish is Jonah Burnham, also Labour?” Prim Plankton

Space regained
1. The Home Sec., P. Patel, is to restore the police stop & search powers binned to appease rachelists in an attempt to do something about the knife crime epidemic.
2. The new Chief Inspector of Constabulary has ordered Chief Constables to get their staff doing something about real crimes and stop inventing imaginary ones; usually pretend hate crimes.

eggmarkerOne of many Political Onanists
Leicester U, which employs the moron who was chucking eggs at the newly installed statue of Margaret Thatcher to get noticed, has a lot of fine words to say about fostering creativity & protecting creative freedom. But doesn't seem in any rush to trim a looney left twig of the most repellent sort.

markerThe water companies are to be harassed till the pips squeak until they stop releasing raw sewage into waterways.

markerToday’s Question
right eye What makes the Bier Broadchasing Company think it has some divine mandate to lie to us, especially in its ‘flagship' progs? The bosses have to know that the likes of editions of Panorama will be fact-checked relentlessly and all the lies will be Xposed.
   Especially when they are blatant gorbal warmage frauds. And yet, these overpaid bosses encourage rather than sack their most blatant liars.
reader comment“It's amazing what an enormous sense of entitlement and having a hand shoved up to the shoulder in the public pocket can achieve.” Phil Tration

WTFHmarkerA mouthpiece for the Local Government Association, who claimed that low traffic zones Xist to make streets safer and not just to clobber motorists for £33 MILLION in fines per year, has been laughed out of Xistence.

look leftThe reason why the looney left hate grammar schools so much; even though a lot of those in politics went to one; has been revealed. More academically inclined schoolkids need highly qualified teachers, who can command higher salaries than the duffers.
   But The Blob wants all teachers to be paid the same regardless of ability—and whether or not the kids get a good deal is a matter of no importance.

   The Price of war

Before: Got all the answers

During: Rattling the begging bowl

tick symbol In a bid to persuade more people to sign up to be a special constable, the government is prepared to let them use a taser on stroppy customers.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

    WEEK 4    Putin the ‘con’ into condiments

markerThe Pen is more Important than the Scalpel
The NHS doubled its management staff during the Chinese plague epidemic but managed to increase the number of frontline staff by just 7%.
   Box-ticking & diversity? Si!
   Actually doing anything for the customers? No!

markerThe Ambulance Service has reached the point of literality in some areas, where customers will find it quicker to amble to a hospital than to wait to be driven there.

The Queen's oyster cardIs late and way over budget really that much better than never?
H.M. The Queen must have been surprised to be still mobile for the grand joining up of the bitz of the Elizabeth Line, the Xtension of the travel system in London named for her.
   In the spirit of female independence, she undertook to deploy a fiver's worth of Oyster card herself instead of letting a minion do it.
[A fiver? Just a couple of stops, then. Ed.]

Week 6
A spot of madness in Spain
   A bull wearing a bright red body-wrap dashed across the track @ the final chicane as the two Red Bull cars were about to get into an "I'm too wide for you to get past me" manoeuvre. Their collision when the bull appeared deflected both on to a collision course with a tyre barrier well clear of the track.
   There the drivers sat, cursing freely, for 14 seconds before a chase group lead by Team Far Queue zoomed into view. The bull, having eluded attempts to trap it, repeated its manoeuvre. The drivers, however, had been alerted by their pit crews and just kept on going regardless to claim all three podium positions.

bulletQ: Would you trust a survey company called Focalldata?
bulletA: Sounds the perfect choice if you want to ‘prove' something that ain't so.

Far Queue symbol The government's Prevent counter-terrorism scam is in trouble for enabling Xploding Islamists by focussing on imaginary far-rightists.
reader comment“Imaginary far-right confected, real far-left ignored.” Al Capok

tick symbol Officers of Putrid's invasion army in Ukraine are relieving the pressure on field hospitals by shooting dead any minion who is unable to stagger to a hospital under his own steam.

bulletQ: What is China's Road & Belt Initiative?
bulletA: If you don't pay them to build roads for you, they come round and belt you.
bulletQ: Is this part of the dependency on malign actors culture?
bulletA: Only to those who think the acting trade are the Bosses of The Universe.

markerNotional food
Large numbers of people who grew cress on a dishcloth at school are unimpressed by NASA taking 30 years to do it using Moon dust. Especially if the cress is not particularly tasty.

Ad Attack Healthy looking skin?
Or actually healthy skin?
Dermoschutt™ gets you there!
Romiley Fine Pharma, 122 Riverside Drive

Z in a boxWeekend of despair (for some)
++ Liverpool in ruins ++ Man. City won their last match of season & took League title ++ By just one point! ++ Liverpool's looneys Xplode in orgy of destruction ++ Barely one stone atop another in city centre ++ Huge black clouds hang over offices of BBC & theGrauniad ++ Had hoped Pres. Boris would get dozens of Partygate fines ++ Despair over just one lousy fine ++ Beeb & other looney lefties able to focus only on trivia ++

crumbly butter fudge
[You can do the same with boxes of 4 chunky battered cod fillets, which have room for 4 more—as we showed at the start of Week 3 last December. And lotz of other stuff. Ed.]
[p.s. What's in the box is great and we keep going back for more! Ed.]

coinstackbulletThe Police of the Metrolopis have blown £460,000 on Partygate and related investigations and raised about 5 grand in fines. Such are the economics of playing politics with the taxpayers' dosh.

bullet++ Mass sackings Xpected @ top of Met after £460K just pointlessly blown ++ Clear case of misconduct in a public office ++ Real crime clear-up rate in London still a miserable 2.6% ++

reader comment“If the Gov. Of the Bonk of E. is helpless in the face of a tsunami of inflation, it doesn't matter if his minions are shirking @ home on 4 days per week. If they're not achieving anything useful, he doesn't need them and the government can sack the lot of them and save the country some money. And sack the Gov., while they're at it.” Rhea Life

markerAlways a snag
The jobless total is now less than the number of job vacancies. Shame all the vacancies are for the wrong sort of job for the people who don't have one, or we'd have everyone eligible employed for the first time in the Whole History of The Universe!!

WTFHreader comment“Is Sugar Ray of the Cabinet Office going to get the sack for failing to keep the staff @ Downing Street on the straight & narrow? It would only be fair.” Megstic Miss

WTFHreader comment“You're thriving if you get to spend £100 per month on food, not surviving, as that Welsh detective was telling the Home Sec. last week.” Onya Mettle

bullet The energy companies are rushing to point out that a windfall tax on them is not 'wildly popular', as the meeja are claiming. Certainly not wildly popular with them . . .

Far Queue symbol Putinstanis are playing the Poor Little Stinker card by claiming that the state has made them addicted to 'information tranquillizers'.
 Shameless lies of the sort we get from Sirk Reepy

Z in a boxAnother lesson of history not learnt—flushes get busted
Putinstan's failure to swamp Ukraine is being likened to China's failure to knock seven bells out of Vietnam for being cheeky.
   The invasion began in February 1979. The Vietnamese army was only one-sixth of the size of the People's Oppression Force, but it had been fighting a civil war for donkey's years whilst the POF had just been tolchoking unarmed peasants & doing grand commie self-congratulatory parades in Peking.
   After 2 months of getting nowhere, China's 'invincible' war machine had been humbled, its reputation hung in tatters and the Blessed Leader decided to stop digging. Something which Putrid the Poisoner is too incompetent to do.

Far Queue symbol A. Cooke, the new Chief Inspector of Constabulary, wants coppers to let shoplifters play the Pool Little Stinker card and give them a licence to get away with it.

cross symbol 700 pages of documents needed for one lorryload of Marks & Sparks goods going from the UK mainland to Northern Ireland? The EFU is as big an enemy as Putridstan. No question of it.

first class stampFar Queue symbolWee Burney [loud cries of who? Ed.] has had to get a dose of the Chinese plague to try to get herself noticed again after a long attention drought. Desperation or what!
reader comment“Playing the Poor Little Stinker card to avoid awkward questions about the hash she's making of running Scotlandland after taking over from the useless Labour lot over a decade ago?” Polly Periferal
reader comment“More likely, she just felt that The Universe owed her some Skive @ Home time.” Nemya Poison

nuclear fusionmarkerAnother pipe dream?
Research @ the Scripps Institution of Oceanography at UC San Diego has shown that atmospheric levels of helium are rising. The extraction of fossil fuels, especially gas, is given as the cause.
   Helium is a by-product of the decay of radioactive elements in the Earth's crust and it gathers in the same natural reservoirs as those that trap methane gas.
   The helium in natural gas is allowed to escape into the atmosphere as it does not contribute to global warming. Two isotopes are produced—helium-4, which has 2 protons and 2 neutrons, and helium-3, which has only one neutron.
   Helium-3 is used for nuclear fusion experiments, cryogenics, and other applications. There is such a demand for it that its users are making noises about trying to harvest it from the Moon. But if it could be collected here and used to fuel nuclear fusion reactors—if/when anyone gets round to creating one that works—that would be a whole lot more convenient.

first class stampreader comment“Putin the Poisoner bans President Creaky Joe & the best part of a thousand other US citizens from going to Putinstan. He might as well ban the President of Mars as well, who is just as likely to want to go to Putinstan.” Paqui Tinn

reader comment“We keep hearing about the need for tax cuts but how will this help old age pensioners with an income too low to interest the taxman?” Huw Cantspel

cross symbol Sergeant Schultz, the German honcho, has been outed as a lifelong Kremlinazi stooge. No wonder this useful to Putrid idiot has it in for us and he doesn't want to help out the Ukrainians.

first class stampmarkerEVERYONE here will be in raptures
The Referendum for England movement is gaining strength. The main argument is that if England leaves the UK, everyone in England will become better off and the residual bitz of the UK will be free to declare their independence from one another.
   And see how they get on without all the subs from England.
bullet No BBC! We will be able to replace it with a new English Broadchasing Company. And ban former employees who are anti-Englisch luvvies from approaching within a thousand miles of its studios.

Z in a boxFar Queue symbol The Russian skinhead who is on trial for murdering a pensioner in Ukraine killed a bloke who used to be in the KGB, like Putrid the Poisoner. So much for service loyalty.
   The skinhead is claiming he was just following orders, but if that didn't work for the Germanazis, there's no reason it should for Putinazis. He's also hoping to get away with his crime by being swapped for Ukrainian prisoners of the non-murdering kind.

first class stampbulletQ: Can women be barbarians if the primary requirement is having a beard (barbe)?
bulletA: If they want to identify as bearded, despite not having one, only the unwoke will mock.

bulletToday's Definition: Optimism
Delivering leaflets with a stairlift offer to a street of bungalows.

Far Queue symbol A ban on football clubs with yobbish supporters will keep Liverpool FC @ their training ground for most of the next season.

bulletQ: Is the surge in shoplifting due to the Costa Living Crisis?
bulletA: That's just an Xcuse. The real cause is the thieves know the police won't make any effort to catch them 'coz they're too busy confecting imaginary crimes.

reader comment“The Scottish government has the ambition to become a world leader in women's health? Like that's going to happen with the SNP in charge.” X. O'cution

markerDoubled Up
The regime in Wee Burneystan has made such a bog of collecting census data that it is having to hire Xperts to do a census of the available data to find out if any of it can be used to draw valid conclusions & make sensible decisions.

The rail unions are conspiring to turn Edinburgh into a ghost town during the Festival season.
   Because they can.
What nice people they are.

pound coinsknee jerkThe knee must be jerked
It's looking more and more like there will have to be a windfall tax on energy companies, just because ‘the people want it'. But will there be anything left to tax, given the amount of time the energy giants are getting to make their excess profits vanish into thin air?
   And will the amount of cash raised—a lousy couple of billion—solve all the world's problems, as the Labour party is claiming? Inyer dreams!

Scottish flagmarkerNatural party of governance to party of blunder
or eight years of pretendy government

Wee Burney, who is about to become the longest squatter in the job of First Meenister, is not actually achieving all that much if the job has been around only since devolution in 1999. What is more telling is the comparison between herself and tony b. liar.
   Like bliar, she arrived when things were going well and people in Scotland believed A. Salmonella's claim that the SNP is the natural party of governance north of the border. Mainly because anything would have been better than more Labour misrule.
   Wee Bee might not have started any illegal foreign wars during her 8 years of posturing but, like Mr. liar, she presided over a decaying society—policing, health, transport, education, etc. The longer her period of leadership, the more she squanders the opportunities she inherited.
   Fine for a nation of masochists getting endless subs from England. Not terribly fine for a nation which Wee Bee is trying to drive into incompetent independence.

bulletDefinition of the Month:
Dickhead Dictator Gesture
—Banning the best part of a thousand people who have no intention of doing it from visiting your country.

Far Queue symbol The Police Minister, K. Malthouse, has smacked the newly appointed Chief Inspector of Constabulary round the back of the head for telling his minions to make even more of an effort to turn a blind eye to shoplifting crimes.

markerWhen recording ‘history’ about the Royals . . .
"What I have written is not made up."
Translation: "The facts were real once – until I bent them out of shape a bit in the interests of making more money for myself."

markerA government plan to remove their driving licence & passport from persistent drug users will affect only the middle classes as the lower classes don't have them? That seems to be the gist of the main objection.

markerNot a Queue Far enuff for her!
The ancient Nasti Pelosi, Squeaker of the US House of Reps, has been awarded a metaphorical slap round the back of the head for poking her beak into our dealings with the EFU with her party's usual mindless support of the IRA.

markerPerformance in Wonderland
Despite the shameful delays in issuing driving licences, the staff of the DVLA have copped for over £2 million in 'performance payments', which leaves us wondering just how bad these Skive @ Homers would have to get not to be eligible for bonuses.

bulletSimilar story for the Bonk of England, where salary inflation is surging relentlessly despite a lack of performance on inflation.

Millennium bugmarkerThe truth? Quick, cancel it!
A senior bod @ HSBC has upset the Gorbal Warmage Fraudsters big time with some home truths about their trade. He reckons worrying about climate change is on a par with the catastrophism tales about the busted flush of the Millennium Bug.
   This is because the 'uman race has more than enough time & knowhow to respond to real changes in the climate as they happen because the change is a gradual process.
   Natch, his bank has thrown up its collective hands in horror @ this outbreak of honesty.


Only a POKE is a loaded with COKE!

The green drink which saves the planet!

Tory torchmarkerPast blaster
Retro-Tories are agitating for the party to chop down Dave the Leader's naff tree logo and bring back Margaret Thatcher's Torch of Liberty.
   It would be a symbolic ditching of the 'apologize for everything Britisch' agenda left over from corrupt new labour and mark a return to true Conservative values of achievement & common sense.

markerThe government is making noises about putting driverless buses & vans on the nation's roads in 2025. This is being offered as an example of Green Bollocks technology, which sounds about right if the vehicles need a 'uman bean in the cab, messing about on the interweb and waiting to take over when the AI system can't cope with the messiness of the real world.

PutridNiedergang I or Just a homebody at heart
Putrid the Poisoner, it has been revealed, has become a full-time member of the Shirk @ Home brigade. Which Xplains why he is so out of touch with reality.
   Those Moscovicious residents who have a grace 'n' favour vehicle are rather grateful for this change as they are no longer subject to long delays caused by the Poisoner's procession of two dozen vehicles monopolizing closed roads all the way from his pop-star crusted suburb to the Kreml in the city centre & back.

PutridNiedergang II
Far Queue symbol Interesting Fact: Putrid the Poisoner was never a hero of the Soviet Union. He was a draft-dodger and has zero useful military training/Xperience. He's a bagman & fixer for the proceeds of corruption who has forgotten how to be a wheeler dealer.

Far Queue symbol The Arts Society has been cancelled for losing touch with reality. The cancellation order applies to all members as well as the officers.

markerHow many of the 20% of the population who claim to be skipping meals regularly are o'bese and need to? That's something we're not likely to be told.
reader comment“I had a spring booster of the Chinese plague vaccine @ a fairly nearby pharmacy the other day. While I was sitting, waiting my turn to be processed & injected, I was amazed by the size of some of the people who were visiting the pharmacy counter.
   “Especially one woman, who looked about twice my size and wide enough to brush both sides of the doorway when entering or leaving!” Ang Baque


Are you O?
Are you Bese?

Do you want food-scoffing to cease?
If all else fails, get tough with the problem!
Take things to The Ultimate Extreme with an electronically lockable mouth zip!

No one is ever turned down!

Full details from the Romiley Body-Control Clinic,
44 Riverside Drive, Romiley, G.B.

Confidentiality assured!

Steamer Knee of ShameBought off? Sounds very likely
Far Queue symbol Why has Labour been so quiet about the rail unions' plans for a summer of strikes? Could it be that Sirk Reepy & Co. need the millions of pounds donated by the union honchos more than the virtue points they would hope to gain from condemning the strikes?

bulletQ: Empty what make most noise?
bulletA: Politicians' heads. [see also Sirk Reepy Steamer. Ed.]

markerSomething new we shall have to deal with
Many find it hard to forgive President Boris for letting his minions @ Downing Street booze when the complainers couldn't visit an ailing granny in a car home, we are told repeatedly
   But how many? No numbers are ever forthcoming to go with the assumption offered as a done deal that this will cost the Tories the next election.
   As it is reasonable to assume that all politicians are alike—the antics of Sirb Eery & Angela Robot confirm this—the other political parties must have been letting their minions do same. Does that mean nobody will be electable next time around and we will have to manage without a government?
cactus in may flowerreader comment“People who think there is any connection between a relative of theirs dying of a plague and staff in Downing Street having a drink in the workplace need to get back in touch with reality, no matter how painful they find it.” Aphid Placebo
reader comment“It's rather strange that a supposedly on-the-ball political commentator would think the prospect of a long walkabout in the political outback would bovver President Boris. It would give him a chance to start making real money again and keep Scary Carrie in the style to which she would like to be accustomed.” Uart de Ferq

bulletToday's Wisdom
A machine will always find an original way to do something stoopid and annoying.

Z in a boxDecisions needed, not just more chat
After every school massacre in the Untied States, the usual suspects start yelling about either a ban on guns or their constitutional right to bear arms.
   What the Yanks need to do is let citizens enjoy their constitutional right to bear arms as part of an organized militia. But not to bear bullets.
reader comment“That was a rather interesting suggestion on GB Views last night—that if Yanks are allowed to have guns, they shouldn't be able to enjoy a rate of fire faster than that of an 18th century musket, which has a reload time of 2 minutes. That might give the attacked more time to get out of the way and security guards or the police a greater opportunity to zap the bastard before he kills more than a handful of people.” Y. Nott

robot mouthpiecemarkerThe legacy of Biergate
In politics, it doesn't matter if you're a lying hypocrite. The BBC and the rest of the looney left will still chase after you for confected garbage aimed at the Tories.

Far Queue symbol A great deal of buck shovelling is going on in Texas in the wake of the pathetic police response to the school massacre. They dithered for an hour before going in to tackle the demented teen who had murdered 19 children & 2 teachers.
bullet"Gun-free areas are an easy target for nutters with guns," the NRA points out in the Untied States. Nothing much of a counterblast forthcoming.

Sugar RayFar Queue symbol ++ Two Tory nobodies throw partygate toys out of pram ++ Entire nation rocked & staggered ++ End of civilization as we kno it? ++
reader comment“Some junior bagman throws a wobbly. BFD.” Threemenin Abbot
reader comment“Can't stand the heat, hissy git—that will be going on the files in the Whips' office and nothing but back benches for them from now on.” Jock Yewlar
reader comment“If Sugar Ray, the Partygate prosecutor, isn't behind briefings against President Boris in her name, it's strange that the minions who did it haven't been named & sacked.
   “Slushtag ^SleazeWithoutResponsibility.” Stan Dingroom
reader comment“She must have known what was going on. Sounds like she's trying to play the Not Me, Gov card 'coz that's what civil servants do.” Pete Boggs

Labour & the Trivials are in an undignified arse-kicking contest over who yelled for a windfall tax on power companies first. Labour, the losers, are claiming victory, natch.
   Meanwhile, the Tories have had to get their ducks in a row and assess the situation before doing anything. Something which the informationless Opposition parties feel they are excused.
reader comment“The famous windfall tax on the energy companies will raise just a token few billions and be more or less totally cosmetic to avoid damaging investment plans. Is that why the Labour, the party of uselessness and self-service, was yelling for it to be imposed before the data the Chancellor's effort was based on became available?” Y.I. Yabugga

marker How about a windfall tax on Gooble & Twatter & the rest for abuse of the data they gather about their customers?

markerBlast from the past
Back in November of 2010, we were being alarmed with scare stories about food prices going up by 20% as a direct result of 13 years of corrupt new labour's incompetence. And yet, we survived to face the same again as the result of the incompetence of Putrid the Poisoner. Just history repeating itself. Yawn.

Ad Attack The Bug Blaster™ is a GREEN solution for picnics ++ Flies, wasps & hornets are zapped ++ Bees are repelled & persuaded to go and do useful work elsewhere ++ Spray contains hypourgic esters which are entirely harmless to humans ++
In stock @ Romiley Gadgets, 3a Riverside Drive

markerGeneral Rule
Stereotypes are always based on the behaviour of a particular grouping of people. Even when it's bad behaviour. Pointing that out is a good way to outrage looney left apologists with vested & panted self-interests.

Far Queue symbol The wonks in charge of the police are demanding that all coppers study for an O-Level in of colour history, even though it will be a complete waste of their time and irrelevant to the job in hand.
reader comment“Yet more half-arsed garbage from the wonk tendency.” Binh Liner

bulletElongate—Marsman Musk found out?

    WEEK 5    Allegory with the emphasis on the ‘gory’

ShockHorrorThe mRNA vaccines—Pfizzy's & Moderna's Spikey— give effective protection against the Chinese plague but they don't provide the additional protection against other conditions that recipients of the AstraZeneca vaccine get.
   Not cheerful news for all those who have had a mRNA vaccine as their booster 3 & 4!

Week 7
Where the writers really struggle
   What can you say about Monaco? Lots and lots of hype and scenery, not much chance of overtaking on most of the street circuit. The actual race is generally a yawn for the spectators, but sending one of the cars flying into the harbour and that crash in the tunnel on the last lap helped to provide some interest. A processional finish in qualifying order, in the main, but who cares who wins @ Monaco? The race is secondary to all the alleged glamour stuff.

Ad Attack The makers of CrazyString™ present iHairBacker™ ++ Simply spray thinning areas with this miracle product for instant luxurious locks ++ Spray contains 100% natural hypourgic esters for maximum synergy ++
In stock @ Romiley Specialities, 163 Riverside Drive

markerDo we have a genuine climate disaster on our hands?
Not if most of the examples behind the scare stories turn out to be due to maladministration, e.g. a Labour government allowing homes to be built on flood plains (there's a clue in the name) and not providing flood defences & adequate drainage, and bad land management.
   Most of these issues are to do with people living in areas known to be dangerous—like the area around an active volcano—or living in areas prone to wildfires without management of combustible scrub & the creation of fire breaks.
   Calling disasters the result of climate change is just shifting the blame from those in office who were negligent to a nebulous everyone else.

reader comment“If President Boris makes the failed Met honcho Hulk Hogan Hypen Howe the honcho of the National Crime Agency, that will be proof that he's going down with Putrid's Disease, which is probably incurable.” Collar Terrel

Be Advised The latest bid for the size of the NHS waiting list is now 13 million customers or 19.4% of the population. The official figure of 6.4 million was confected by removing patients who have been referred for treatment even though they have not yet received that treatment.

Kangaroo countrymarkerMore Mythmaking
Are we really and truly ‘afraid' that Australia will retire our Queen as the head of state now that Al Banian, a looney lefty, has cobbled together a coalition to become the PM there? Of course, not.
   It's about time the kid came out of the closet and took responsibility for itself instead of lurking in Mom's basement.
reader comment“Mr. Banian doesn't seem to have Burney's Disease—an eagerness to waste other people's cash on trivialities of state instead of the welfare of the customers. Not yet, anyway.” Beltan Brakes

ShockHorrorThere is no such thing as an unhealthy foodstuff. Everything that offers nutrition is okay in moderation—especially a portion of a BOGOF deal. All the o'besity problems are caused by greedy bastards stuffing everything in reach down their neck.


Dr. Acula's AUTHENTIC Transylvanian pizzas

This month's topping . . . Double-Blud Pudding
Made in Romiley and a best-seller in Italy!

Romiley EastEuro Pizzeria, 44 Riverside Drive

Far Queue symbol ++ French make total bog of spectator admin for UEFA cup final in Paris ++ Police tear-gas Liverpool fans then lie about it ++ No one surprised ++ Same confusion & lies Xpected for rugby final next year ++ And Olympics a year later ++
reader comment“Do Liverpool fans who booed the National Anthem @ the Cup Final deserve any sympathy for being tear-gassed by the estupido Paris police? Or is it just goes around? Behave like scum and that's how you'll be treated.” Mon Tidon

bulletQ: What do you get if you're blind and you take your guide dog into Marks & Sparks in Mortlake, West London?
bulletA: Turfed out unceremoniously by a jobsworth.

Z markerThe US Justice Dept. is engaged in ‘one of them' investigations into the Texas school massacre. The sort that shoves lots of cash into the pockets of the legal trade and doesn't prevent the same from happening again.

Be AdvisedUnhelpful Signage
ROAD AHEAD CLOSED, the sign on the main road through Romiley sez. Actually, it's a side road, Carlton Avenue, that's closed but drivers have to get there before they find out they're okay on Compstall Road.
   What's happening on Carlton Avenue? The south end is being wrecked by a mighty machine as a prelude to much needed resurfacing.

Far Queue symbol ++ Israeli Nasties provoke trouble in Occupied Jerusalem ++ Police attack Palestinian objecters viciously ++ No one surprised ++

Really Bloody Daft IdeaWho in their right mind would employ the accounting firm KPMG. It keeps being fined MILLIONs by the industry regulator and it has degenerated into hopeless wokery by insisting that its staff won't get a bonus if they fail to do pointless bias training of the sort scrapped as totally useless by the civil service.

markerYou probably don't remember this . . .
When Mexican swine flu was doing the same job as the Chinese plague a dozen years ago, the Scottish government wasn't giving the vaccine to o'bese people. If that was in the hope that the flu would wipe them out, that was another bit of gesture politics that didn't work out.
reader comment“And probably part of the Xplanation for why the Gordon F. Broon government ended up having to dump a billion quid's worth of unused vaccine when that plague was declared over.” Foram Zork

markerBrewery unions joining rail unions on Team Putrid?
If Sirb Eery Steamer offers Labour's usual mindless support for a summer of strikes, he could cause a national bier shortage.
   But, no doubt, Mrs. Steamer has anticipated this and filled up spare garage space with crates of his fave tipple.

monumentbulletThe partygate investigation was about breaches of the plague regulations, the current Met honcho has told the looney left confecters, and the presence of alcohol (in photographs) is irrelevant.
   The police are concerned with actual breaches of the legal laws on the statute books, not what looks like something the BBC and other looney left confecters can feed on.
   The Sugar Ray report is now being seen as a monument to Sirk Reepy's hubris & arrogance. [despite the obvious tautology Ed.]
reader comment“There's a world of difference between people who work together having a drink in the office with people they meet every day when someone is leaving, and people who are not daily contacts boozing together @ a social do and spreading a plague more widely. But does that difference matter to the BBC and the rest of the looney left? Of course, not. Triviality, Triviality, Triviality and sod the stuff that matters.” Les Éfair

markerTypical Labour dishcloth
The honcho of the Met is not impressed by cosmetic mayor Sadgeek K'han't's attempts to butt in to the partygate jamboree. The Geek's attempts to take charge of what the police are doing has been described as politically biased interference of the worst sort. So, par for the course, where he's concerned.

Far Queue symbol Gardening Xperts are up in arms over Chelsea Flower Show awarding the best of show prize to a not-garden, which is just a mess of ungardened junk with the rewilding brand.

bulletQ: How long can the partygate farce drag on?
bulletA: There are enough pissant gits around to keep wailing about it until the Xmas after next.
[Will to live ebbing fast. Ed.]
reader comment“Especially if the ancient Labour busted flush Harridan Harperson is going to take over from Captain Underpants to waste 4 months of Commons committee time on it. But that's Labour for you. If it ain't trivial, they don't want to kno.” Justin Case

Far Queue symbol Educational alleged Xperts favour a process of level dumbing, which would involve the best teachers tackling the dimmest pupils and the brightest & best pupils getting the worst teachers.

NCCPO logomarkerMore good news from Woke World
A panel which screwtinizes the police on race ishues is packed with anti-police, pro-criminal & pro-terrorist usual suspects to maximize the screwing. They are people who think woke is not a joke and everyone should be a wonk and the taxpayer should shovel BILLIONs in their direction for them to flush away on useless gestures and their personal perks.
   More taxpayers' cash going to a gang who are worse than the bosses of the Notional Council of Cheap Police Officers (NCCPO), who recruited them.

Z markerreader comment“Nothing like a good school massacre to provide a photo opportunity for Mhegan the Merciless. Shameless or what.” Y. Litees

diggermarkerLotz of Schaden, not that much Freude
Back in 2019, Ceylon's incoming president slapped a ban on the use of chemical fertilizers, herbicides & pesticides in the name of making all of the country's farming organic.
   Three years later, the economy has fallen into a deep Broon Hole, the farming industry is in a state of collapse and the country is having to import huge amounts of inorganic foodstuffs to feed the population.
   Nothing creates a bigger disaster than a politician waving a virtue flag.

tick symbol The level of deaths from the Chinese plague over the winter just gone was comparable to flu figures from previous years, showing that this plague has been reduced to the ‘nothing special' category at long last. Until someone comes up with another lethal variation, of course.

markerThe world's population of supery achts is down by one. The dearly departed caught fire whilst tied up @ a marina in Torquay at the weekend just gone and sank. Which did the locals the favour of putting out the extremely smoky fire.

clunking coinbaseball hat The Gov. Of the Bonk of England is claiming that raising interest rates four times is a HUGE achievement when all he has done is raise the rates going to savers from ground-hogging to about 1 mm above ground level. No one is impressed by the transition from piss-poor to not quite so piss but not that better.

Far Queue symbol The spoilt twat who egged the new statue of former PM M. Thatcher has been stuck with a £90 fixed penalty notice for gitism.

baseball hat"The Global Warming Fraudsters have chosen to turn the prejudices of the iggorant into a source of dishonest emolument for themselves" is a rather Fancy Dan way of putting it. Translation—they are just a bunch of rogues & scoundrels who should be sent to Rwanda.

Insulate For ObesitymarkerInsulaters cause o’besity—fact!
A dozen years ago, Xperts @ University College, London, concluded that double glazing and insulated walls are keeping houses warmer in summer and the human body needs less food to keep warm in these conditions.
   Try telling that to the customers.
   People have kept on scoffing what seems like normal amounts of food, this has made them enormously o'bese and the Insulaters are the ones who are to blame for wrecking the NHS with their demands even more of it.

rain manBelow the line mission statement: Some of the above is true. BFN is recognized as a premiere class observational blog and a multiple winner of the OB of the Year award.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium.
© RAL, May MM22 like anyone cares.