A
abacuss – device used for counting swear words
Abbacus – hater of Swede-pop
abracus – a counting device that conjures up the answers
absentreeism – deforestation
Acrapolis – badly-built Greek temple
adolt – a stupid grown-up
airobics – flying pens
alarum clock – what a poet uses to wake himself up in the morning
alcohole – orifice in the face used for boozin'
alcoprop – Dutch courage
ampliflier – loud-mouth pilot
Angus Dei – secretive Scottish religious cult
anonymouse – undercover rodent
anorakademic – nerd with a university teaching post
anti-semmitism – Scottish philosophy which opposes wearing a vest
apartmint – one with the hole in the roof
apparatchick – Blair Babe
Arkhitect – boat builder
arkhive – what Noah kept his bees in
artery – hobby involving shooting arrows at paintings
askimo – Alaskan directory enquiries
astronought – anyone who hasn't been into space
astronut – a stupid space man
Atomick energy – Irish nuclear power station
auntelope – run away with a parent's sister
Australiens – visitors from another continent
automatron – robot head nurse
axecommunicated – given the chop

B
badditive – unhealthy food additive
the Baffia – slipper-wearing Scottish gangsters
Buffies – vampire-slaying slippers
baksoon – quick message from woodwind player
barloon – a drunk in a pub
belligerant – stroppy insect
bellulite – a protruding stomach
belly tots – obese children
bentist – an illegal tooth technician
bigamist – a larger than usual fog
billabonk – to make love beside a waterhole
binvention – the one that failed
binvoice – one you're not going to pay
bistowed – berth awarded on gravy train
blaggerdoccio – a prime minister's shameless appetite for freebie holidays
Bleachy Head – A Sussex blonde
bonkalow – single-story house of ill repute
borrowmeter – instrument for listing possessions out on loan
Bratman – youthful superhero
bratriot – 1. junior flag-waver 2. disturbance at a primary school
breadfast – the bakers are on strike
Brian flakes – highly personalized breakfast food
The Brides of March – spring weddings
Brownbeat – chastise the prime minister until he answers the bloody question!

C
Can-Can't – dance for the indecisive
cantribution – positive input
collieflower cheese – "I think we got that in the Korean restaurant."
conarchy – rule by prisoners
condomenation – the country objects to paying for Blair's Millennium Dome
condoments – essential for safe eating
condoming violence – wrapping it up in a big rubber bubble
conpunter – internet spam
conputer – PC used by internet criminal
convicted rapist – every rapper should be behind bars!
cottweiler – baby with attitude
Coy Rodgers – shy cowboy
crapitalist – a bankrupt
crocodill – a herb with a real bite
crapheap – repository for New Labour's bright ideas after they've served their PR purpose
cuecumber – one straight enough to play snooker with

D
Daiagnosis – opinion of a Welsh doctor
Dailemma – Welshman with a problem
Daipert – cute Welsh pantomime dame
daiverse – alternative Welsh poetry
daiversion – a book translated into the Welsh language
dawnpour – early morning rain
deadication – any inscription on a coffin
decease – stop stopping
decrapit – improved
defacemint – stamping on a Polo
defrogatory – insulting remark about the French
dessert island – wrong place for a slimmer to be stranded
diafolical – bad hair day
dietribe – 1. speech denouncing slimming; 2. slimming plan for a Reservation
dimmobile – too stupid to get out of the way
dimocracy – government by the pushy but clueless
dinfirmary – a noisy hospital
dishovelled – a sacked stoker
dishwaser – someone who drops more dishes than he cleans
Disscount – cut-price Norfolk nobleman
distory – New Labour's spin on Britain's past achievements
Domed – project that had no chance of success from the outset
doshwaser – spendthrift
doughcation – urge to be a bank clerk
dredit card – that feeling as you wait the bill
drinkmanship – channel crossing on a booze cruise

E
ecoholic – a tree-hugger
e-conomy – the online business sector
effidavit – sworn statement
eggomaniac – mad about eggs
e-jaculation – cyber-sex
elaboratory – place where complex theories are devised
electrick – magical illumination
electricks – ways of fiddling the voting
epilexy – spasms brought on by reading taboid newspapers
EUphobia – fear of rule by unelected meddlers in Brussels
EUphoric – someone happy to be ripped off by the Brussels bunglers
europile – MEP's salary
euroseptic – Tory think tank
eurosion – gradual wearing away of British freedom by Brussels
e-vandalist – someone who preaches destruction on the worldwide web
evilution – the sad decline of moral values in our society, generation by generation
exaggereat – to overstate one's appetite
extramist – outbreak of very thick fog

F
fang shui – environmental harmony for vampires
fauxbia – bogus aversion
fedaration – provided with a quantity of food
felted – chop down a tree called Edward
Fixrodent – product for catching rats
foecation – where the enemy has its HQ
Frankincense – Frank is annoyed
frolic acid – little pills to make you leap about
funconscious – comic trying too hard
furt – almost furtive

G
gastrick – pulled stomach muscle
gastronaut – someone on a mission to fill the space in his stomach
gaulling – an irritating Frenchman
genial herpes – cold sore with a smile
geriatrick – elderly conjuror
Geriattric – three goals by a German striker
ginsect – a drunken wasp
glibertarian – a British politician
glibido – all talk and no action
grangster – an ageing female criminal
Gringo Starr – the Spanish-speaking American Beatle
gripevine – a moan phone
guestapo – intimidating hotel clients
gull stones – missiles dropped by antisocial seabirds
gumslanger – someone who shoots his mouth off

H
haberdosher – money trader
halibit – piece of fish
halogin – you may see one after several doubles
hardvark – aardvark with attitude
hemporium – a large drug store
hentreaty – EU poultry policy
himbug – a male nuisance
himmaculate – very smart fellow
hippypotamus – Earth Mother who's all beads and flowers
hiterosexual – violent lover
hoecation – an allotment
hoption – a good choice of beers
Hose Pope – Vatican fireman
Hound of the Buskervilles – performing pooch
hugly – grotesque but kinda cute
humpteens – stroppy adolescents
Hurtlepool – major centre of masochism in the North-East

I
idiota – very small fool
igloom – depression suffered by eskimos
ignomany – lots of ignorant people
ignoropedia – a collection of information which people would rather not know
Igor Mortis – Baron Frankenstein's little helper
illarity – sick joke
illlegible – reading this makes me sick!
incandlescent – not quite as bright
incarnotion – arrival of a bright idea while driving
incompetence pads – what the government needs to stem its data leaks
infirmation – very old news
innquest – the search for a pub
innsects – pub crawlers
inntelligence – gossip overheard by MI5 in the local pub
intoxicaution – careful drinking
internut – someone who spends too much time browsing the web
intollerance – refusal to pay the London congestion charge

J
Jean-Paul Gauleiter – Nazi-era state fashion guru

K
Kidd's stuff – buried pirate treasure
kideous – a really ugly child
kindread – unwelcome relations
kinflint – tight-fisted relative
king-fu – leader of martial art
klaptomaniac – one who steals all the applause

L
lamnesia – what Little Bo Peep suffered from
laphrodisiac – lover with a good sense of humour
lawnmowner – person unable to start grass-cutting machine
l'eaucation – the seaside
legoless – drunken elf in The Lord of the Rings
liarbility – 1. a flair for telling huge whoppers 2. a politician who can't help blushing when spinning the truth
lieability – a necessary requirement for all New Labour politicians
lithongraphy – the art of printing on skimpy underwear
litterature – junk mail
The Loovre – beautiful pictures adorn this lavatory's walls!
lumberjock – Scottish tree-feller
lying fish – dishonest tropical sea creature

M
mailingerer – idle postman
mail vice choir – group with an interesting social life?
manocracy – government by one man
mantel – male gossip
Mardi grass – a Tuesday joint
massacre – large outdoor religious ceremony
matrimoany – not exactly wedded bliss!
messochist – someone who enjoys disorder
messacre – poorly organized large outdoor religious ceremony
Metrosexual – someone who can experience carnal delight only on the Paris underground
missacre – poorly sign-posted large outdoor religious ceremony
mice pies – what cats have at Xmas
misterpiece – Man of the Year
Molotov cartail – vehicle with a wick in the petrol tank
muddle class – confused section of society
mugnificent – great area for street crime
mumpire – family argument arbiter

N
The Naffia – a gang of useless criminals
nagotiations – the art of browbeating someone into submission
nastication – chewing something with an unpleasant taste
naybour – "The bloke next door never agrees with anyone."
needlepaint – tattoo
negrophilia – a preference for things black
nincompop – soft drink for a foolish person
nine-aceous – only 90% sticking power
ninecompoop – foolish person who's one over the eight
Nipoleon – a small measure of Japanese brandy
nocation – "I think I'm lost!"
nogotiator – someone who won't take 'yes' for an answer
nomentum – no get up and go
nonarchy – no one's in charge so no one's to blame
nonundrum – not a problem
nopiates – zero-tolerance drug policy
Noshferatu – obese vampire
noshtalgia – memories of past slap-up meals
Notwork Rail – what people who want to travel at Xmas call it!

O
obecity – a large town full of junk food fans.
odditty – a strange version of a short, simple song
odeous – awful poetry
ogly – so hideous, you can't help but stare
olympecs – muscles on a top sportsman
Opus Dave – secretive Cameroonie religious cult
orbituary – astronaut's epitaph
osculatte – coffee-flavoured kiss
osteopornosis – A degenerate's disease
ouch potato – person who falls off the sofa

P
pantifreeze – thermal underwear
paracute – dishy Red Beret
parant – angry mum or dad's tirade
Parcelona – where to go on a package holiday
parsonist – hell-fire priest
pasteroids – minor planets made of spaghetti
pathlete – a pavement jogger
Peter Vandalson – destructively incompetent EU trade commissioner
petrifrying – using saturated fat for fry-ups
Piaf – fairly polite Scottish invitation to go away
pidea – food for thought
pignoramus – ugly, stupid person
pillgrim – unpleasant medication
plandemonium – organized chaos
planker – idiotic carpenter
pocation – where the ‘gazunder' goes
political pratform – stage on which government policies are announced
poultrygeist – noisy phantom chicken
pseudoku – fake number puzzle with no solution
puparazzi – trainee nuisance photographers

Q
quackmire – muddy duck pond
quadrent – four paying lodgers
quids – expensive multiple birth
quility – fine writing

R
rant boy – opinionated male prostitute
refrogerator – device for chilling amphibians
reluctaunt – unwilling relative
residunce – substandard house
respectacle – fit new glasses
restlass – always the bridesmaid, never the bride
rheumatick – a clock that needs oiling
rhoming pigeon – disoriented dove
rice padding – eking out a Chinese meal
rocket luncher – a fast eater
roublemaker – bothersome Russian counterfeiter
rowcation – the Thames on Boat Race day

S
sadpole – the Crazy Frog after his bubble burst
Sandy Toxig – poisoned dwarf
scentitmenal – that pong is driving me mad!
scuttle diplomacy – the art of being abroad when there's bad news at home
señority – club for Spanish gentlemen
sewcation – a tailor's shop
sexterminator – eunuch supplier
shampagne – fake bubbly
sirvile – I don't like my teacher
skyrapper – tedious pseudo-musician atop a tall building
slobmarine – an untidy ship
sodoku – really difficult number puzzle
sonocracy – government by a male offspring
stagility – creating an impression of nimbleness which standing still
stroption – petulant choice
suminary – a religious counting order
surly-burly – ill-tempered commotion

T
Tafrica – Welsh colony on the Dark Continent
tariff – thank you, Moroccan tribesman
tartlet – the whore is occupied
transnestite – cuckoo's offspring
truncheon meat – what a policeman puts in his sandwiches
truncheon meet – a convention of coppers
Truth Kelly – the Education Secretary we'd like to replace the one we've got

U
uforgettable – mislaying one's spaceship
umbiblical – direct lifeline to God
umlout – indecisive yob
unadultrated – for children only
unbeerable – closing time
undietaker – person who pilfers from your washingline
unharmed combat – the part politicians play in the wars they start
unsellfish – not for human consumption
uslurper – cuckoo supping noisily

V
vagrent – amount paid by a tramp for lodgings
vagrunt – a homeless pig
value for monkey – £500 well spent
vamphire – nightclub hostess
vandaloo – mobile toilet for curry-eating hooligans
vanslaughter – accident caused by a white vehicle
vastibule – a very large entrance hall
veaucation – 1. a calling to the sea 2. a calling to the veal trade
victual reality – simulated food
visator – a foreign tourist
volcaneau – a well-shaken bottle of fizzy mineral water

W
water felon – aquatic sinner
whrisky – the danger of drink
wigwham – collision with a tent
Wimblecon – the price of strawberries and cream
Wimbledon't – tennis players who aren't up to scratch
wimpunity – cowards stick together
wintercourse – love in a cold climate
wishing line – hoping the clothes will dry
woecation – a rather miserable place
wokoholic – Chinese cook on overtime
womanacle – restraint for female prisoner
wrathlete – angry Olympic competitor
Wuss-In-Boots – scaredy cat!

Y
yetimology – the study of large Himalayan words
yobelisk – monument to the King of the ASBOs
yours faithfilly – a true horsey friend

Z
zedbra – The largest cup size of all
zittern – wading bird with acne

Some words work best in clusters of similar ones:
doughcation – a bank
foecation – the enemy's HQ
hoecation – an allotment
l'eaucation – the seaside
nocation – "I think I'm lost!"
pocation – where the 'gazunder' goes
rowcation – the Thames on Boat Race day
sewcation – a tailor's shop
veaucation – a calling to the sea
woecation – a rather miserable place
wokoholic – Chinese cook on overtime