Lifetime Guarantee

– Henry Smith –

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McIver Home Libraries
l5, Hart Gdns,
London, WlE 5Mw.
35, Riverside Ave,
Mortlake,
London, SWl4 7ER.
 25th July, l979
Dear Sirs,
 
     Please send me further details of your computer home reference library system, as advertised in this month's edition of 'Education World'. I am mainly interested in the System 42L, for which you are offering a lifetime guarantee on the first five units installed. I hope that I will be one of the lucky ones.
 
     Yours faithfully,
 
 
     J.M. Bancroft.

 

McIver Home Library Corporation
15, Hart Gardens
London W1E 5MW.

 

Mr. J.M. Bancroft
35, Riverside Avenue
Mortlake
London SW14 7ER.

27th July, 1979.

Dear Mr. Bancroft,

 

Thank you for your letter of 25th July expressing interest in our System 42L. The enclosed booklet describes the System fully. In the event of your having further questions, I have arranged for Mr. Stollion, one of our representatives, to call on you at six p.m. on Monday evening (30th July).

I would like to take this opportunity of reminding you that our lifetime guarantee applies only to units purchased before 31.8.79.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

ARTHUR L. KIRKLAN.
Area Manager, Marketing Division.

 

encl. TM/8017 -- A Guide To The System 42L.

 

McIver Home Library Corporation
15, Hart Gardens
London W1E 5MW.

 

Mr. J.M. Bancroft
35, Riverside Avenue
Mortlake
London SW14 7ER.

31st July, 1979.

Dear Mr. Bancroft,

 

As you can imagine, the response to our advertisement has been such that only those placing an immediate order for the System 42L have qualified for the lifetime guarantee on parts and servicing.

I am writing to confirm that you are one of the fortunate five, and that we shall arrange for installation at your convenience on receipt of the agreed deposit of £950.00

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Rudyard S. Stollion.
Southern Marketing Division.

McIver Home Libraries
l5, Hart Gdns,
London, WlE 5Mw.
35, Riverside Ave,
Mortlake,
London, SWl4 7ER.
 l9th August, 1979.
Dear Mr. Stollion,
 
     Our System 42L electronic home library was installed on Thursday, the l6th, and the whole family are very pleased with it. I am afraid, however, that one of the kiddies had a slight accident with the knob on the first stage scan control of the Central Organiser. I would like, therefore, to take advantage of the lifetime guarantee to have it repaired.
 
     Yours faithfully,
 
 
     J.M. Bancroft.
 
P.S. Enclosed please find one of the Service and Repair chits from the booklet of the same supplied with the guarantee.

 

McIver Home Library Corporation
15, Hart Gardens
London W1E 5MW.

 

Mr. J.M. Bancroft
35, Riverside Avenue
Mortlake
London SW14 7ER.

21st August, 1979.

Dear Mr. Bancroft,

 

I was sorry to hear of your accident so soon after installation of your personal System 42L. Although the construction of the components is robust and designed to cope with a certain amount of rough handling, you will find in your User's Manual a recommendation in the introduction that young children be allowed to use the system only under the supervision of an adult.

Although your guarantee covers only failures of components due to manufacturing defects and the effects of fair wear and tear, our service engineer will replace the damaged component free of charge as a gesture of goodwill.

I trust that you will have no further problems with your personal System 42L.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

C.B. Doyle,
Service Administration Controller.

McIver Home Libraries
l5, Hart Gdns,
London, WlE 5Mw.
35, Riverside Ave,
Mortlake,
London, SWl4 7ER.
 2nd September, l979.
Dear Mr. Doyle,
 
     Something appears to have gone wrong with one of the library modules in our System 42L. Nothing happens when we try to access the section between CAN AND CAT. As one of my lads has to do a project on medieval castles, we would appreciate it if you could send someone to sort out the trouble as soon as possible.
 
     Yours faithfully,
 
 
     J.M. Bancroft.
 
P.S. I have enclosed another repair chit from the guarantee.

 

McIver Home Library Corporation++++++Internal Memo

FROM : Consumer Services / Heath Passage / NW3.
TO : Colin Doyle/ Service Admin/ Hart Gdns/ W1
RE : System 42L, serial number 218475
DATE : Thursday, September 6th, 1979.

Dear Colin, bit of a problem here. The engineer's reports says the breakdown was caused by a dollop of jam in the works! Flavour unspecified. Bancroft pointed out that he was covered for accidental damage by his lifetime guarantee and refused to pay for the service call.

As Bancroft says, no one drops jam into something worth nearly three kiloquid deliberately! In view of all the rhubarb about our System being so reliable that we could offer a lifetime guarantee on it, I'm turning to you for a policy decision. Do we send him a bill, or what?
Regards, Alec Crossfield.

 

McIver Home Library Corporation++++++Internal Memo

FROM : Service Admin.- Hart Gardens - W1.
TO : Consumer Service - Heath Passage - NW3.
RE : System 42L, serial number 218475
DATE : Monday, September 10th, 1979.

Dear Alec, no charge. Consumer Relations are very proud of the lifetime guarantee. As long as that gang are involved, tread very carefully when one of our LG clients makes a claim.
Regards, Colin Doyle.

 

McIver Home Library Corporation++++++Internal Memo

FROM : the Director, Consumer Support Division.
TO : C.B. Doyle
RE : System 42L, serial number 218475
DATE : Tuesday, July 29th, 1980.

Dear Doyle, I am rather disturbed by the Bancroft file. Our records show that he has made a claim for service and repairs at least twice a month for the best part of a year. A library system which cost Mr. Bancroft £2785 has already received first aid to the tune of £3109! And there are God knows how many years left to run of his wretched lifetime guarantee.

In view of the fact that expenditure on servicing the other four LG Systems totals £38 for the same period, I must insist that a far tougher line be taken on the definitions both of what constitutes an accident, and of what is fair wear and tear in the case of the Bancroft System. As he appears to have raised a brood which would put a mob of football hooligans in the shade, there may be trouble in reaching agreement. But we must remember that McI.H.L.C. is NOT a charitable institution run to pick up the pieces after Bancroft's destructive tribe.

I trust you will give the matter your urgent consideration.
Regards, Robin Elter.

 

      McIHLC   ******   OFFICE NOTEPAD
      DATE :
30.7.80
      RE : Jackie, please photocopy the attached memo from R.E. when you go to Hope Street.
The copy's to go with my memo to Alec Crossfield.
Thanx! Colin D.
p.s. - when's the wretched man coming to fix our copier?

 

McIver Home Library Corporation++++++Internal Memo

FROM : Service Admin. - Hart Gardens - W1.
TO : Consumer Service - Heath Passage - NW3.
RE : System 42L, serial number 218475
DATE : Wednesday, July 30th, 1980.

Dear Alec, enclosed without comment a photocopy of a memo from the Big White Chief. I understand that the lunatic who dreamed up the idea of a lifetime guarantee has already received the chop. I have no desire to follow him to the block.
Regards, Colin Doyle.

 

McIver Home Library Corporation++++++Internal Memo

FROM : Consumer Services / Heath Passage / NW3.
TO : Colin Doyle/ Service Admin/ Hart Gdns/ W1
RE : System 42L, serial number 218475
DATE : Thursday, July 31st, 1980.

Dear Colin, further to the memo from the BWC, I've been having a word with the service engineers who've done work on the Bancroft System. Apparently, their 42L looks like it's been sat on by an elephant, or dropped from a great height, or both. Thanks to the lunatic LG, they seem to feel free to kick hell out of their System, drop jam in the works, and commit other and similar Luddite atrocities.
The trouble is, Bancroft has been dropping hints about writing to a certain television program about all the trouble (alleged) he's been having with his System 42L. And said television program is not without teeth (ho, ho!) Jocular comments have also been made about the neighbours thinking he's got one of our engineers for a lodger. What about the negative publicity if we pull the plug on him? You're the one with his toe stuck in the political hot water. What's the current temperature?
Regards, Alec Crossfield.

 

McIver Home Library Corporation++++++Internal Memo

FROM : Doyle
TO : Alec Crossfield
RE : Bancroft
DATE : 4.8.80

Dear Alec, the Big White Chief is of the opinion that Bancroft has been encouraged to abuse his guarantee by the slackness of certain parties in the Service Division. But negative publicity is to be avoided at ALL COSTS! Yet we are required to come up with a solution to the problem. Preferably a cheap one. Any ideas? I'm prepared to consider anything and everything to drag us out of the shit.
Regards, Colin Doyle.

 

      McI.H.L.C. <<>> Telephone Note Pad

CALLER :

Mr. Smith

TIME :

2.17 p.m.

FOR :

Mr. Crossfield

DATE :

5/8/80

CALL TAKEN BY :

Alice  

MESSAGE :

Mr. Smith will meet you in the Red Lion tonite at 5.30.

 

....extract from the expense account of Alec Crossfield
for the week ending 8th August, 1980....

 
Petrol
Technical Consultation Fee - paid
          committed
Lunches
Misc. expenses
£ . p 
17.16
150.00
350.00
13.78
12.49

 

McIver Home Library Corporation++++++Internal Memo

FROM : Alec Crossfield
TO : Colin Doyle
RE : Bancroft System
DATE : 8th August, '80.

Dear Colin, I have taken expert advice on our situation re Bancroft: see attached expenses sheet. He has us over a barrel in many ways, but my expert was able to make a number of useful suggestions. I have been promised action within a week. If you could stall the BWC, preferably without telling him anything, we ought to have the pair of them off our backs fairly soon.
Regards, Alec Crossfield.

 

      McI.H.L.C. <<>> Telephone Note Pad

CALLER :

Mr. Smith

TIME :

11.55 a.m.

FOR :

Mr. Crossfield

DATE :

14/8/80

CALL TAKEN BY :

Alice  

MESSAGE :

Mr. Smith has left town for business reasons, but will contact you when he returns in two weeks.

 

McIver Home Library Corporation++++++Internal Memo

FROM : Doyle
TO : Crossfield
RE : Bancroft
DATE : 21/8

Dear Alec, see attached photocopy. So much for your consultant. There could be questions about your expenses.
Regards, C.D.

copy for Alec Crossfield
Mr. C.B. Doyle,
Service Administration Controller,
McIver Home Library Corp.,
l5, Hart Gdns,
London, WlE 5Mw.
35, Riverside Ave,
Mortlake,
London, SWl4 7ER.
 l9th August, 1980.
Dear Mr. Doyle,
 
     Our System 42L is on the blink again. Would you please send an engineer round to fix it as soon as possible. I have enclosed one of the repair chits from the new book.
 
     Yours faithfully,
 
 
     Andrew Bancroft.

 

McIver Home Library Corporation++++++Internal Memo

FROM : Alec Crossfield
TO : Colin Doyle
RE : Bancroft
DATE : Friday, 22nd August.

Dear Colin, don't panic. See attached copy of letter to Bancrofts. Don't ask questions - you wouldn't like the answers. Re expenses, I need the £350 committed to consultation fees next week.
Regards, Alec C.

 

copy for Colin Doyle
McIver Home Library Corporation
Consumer Service Unit
63 Heath Passage
Hampstead Heath
London NW3 12AY.

 

Mr A. Bancroft
35, Riverside Avenue
Mortlake
London SW14 7ER.

22nd August, 1980.

Dear Mr. Bancroft,

 

I am returning the Service and Repair Invoice sent to us with your letter of 19th August for the correct signature. Our records show that the Agreement in question exists between ourselves and Mr. J.M. Bancroft.

I am sorry to hear that you are having trouble with your System 42L, and hope to effect a speedy repair.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Alec M. Crossfield.
Consumer Service Unit Manager.

 

McIver Home Library Corporation++++++Internal Memo

FROM : Alec Crossfield
TO : Colin Doyle
RE : Bancroft
DATE : Wednesday, 27th August.

Dear Colin, an ominous silence from you since my last missive. Here are two more copies of letters for your collection. You might mention to the BWC that the Bancroft problem has resolved itself. I've taken legal advice, and it should stick. I also need the balance (£350) of the consultation fees soonest.
Regards, Alec.

copy for Colin Doyle
35, Riverside Ave,
Mortlake,
London, SW14 7ER.
25th August, 1980
Dear Mr. Crossfield,
 
     I understand my son has been writing to you about our Home Library. I'm afraid it's not possible for my husband to sign the form as he passed away after a terrible accident on the l4th last. I have signed it as next of kin, and hope this will be OK.
 
     Yours sincerely,
 
 
     Doreen Bancroft (Mrs.)

 

McIver Home Library Corporation
Consumer Service Unit
63 Heath Passage
Hampstead Heath
London NW3 12AY.

 

Mrs. D. Bancroft
35, Riverside Avenue
Mortlake
London SW14 7ER.

27th August, 1980.

Dear Mrs. Bancroft,

 

Please allow me to express my sympathy at your time of great loss. Unfortunately, the Lifetime Guarantee on your System 42L was a contract between McIver HLC and your late husband, and was not transferable to his next of kin.

Should you require repairs to your System 42L, we would be pleased to arrange a visit by one of our service engineers. The minimum charge for such a visit is £8.50, exclusive of VAT, parts and labour being extra.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Alec M. Crossfield.
Consumer Service Unit Manager.

 

McIver Home Library Corporation++++++Internal Memo

FROM : Service Admin.- Hart Gardens - W1.
TO : Consumer Service - Heath Passage - NW3.
RE : System 42L, serial number 218475
DATE : Thursday, August 28th, 1980.

Dear Alec, you bastard! You might have mentioned in your last-but-one memo that Bancroft had fallen under a Tube train. No wonder you said I wouldn't like the answers to questions about your expenses. 500 quid in consultation fees! The balance of which has been approved, probably in a rush of euphoria, and should have reached you by now.
Still, looking on the bright side, we've saved at least £3,000 pa now that the Bancroft Millstone has fallen from around our necks. Draper of Promotions has been fighting a rearguard action, but the Big White Chief is coming round to the view that we were the victims of reckless advertising. But let's keep our eyes open a little wider in future.
Regards, Colin Doyle.

 

      McI.H.L.C. <<>> Telephone Note Pad

CALLER :

Mr. Smith

TIME :

1.40 pm.

FOR :

Mr. Crossfield

DATE :

29/8

CALL TAKEN BY :

Helen  

MESSAGE :

Mr. S will meet you in the Red Lion at 5.30 pm. this evening to complete your business. Trusts that (service?) contract fullfilled to your satisfaction.
 
p.s. - he sounds a bit like a spy or the Mafia, doesn't he? - H.

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to top of pageCreated for Romiley Literary Circle by HTSP Web Division, 10 SK6 4EG, Romiley, G.B.
The original story Henry T. Smith, 1979. This version Henry T. Smith, 2006