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The following was submitted to us by an agent of "Bilious Trumpstaine"

Fasten your seatbelts, folks!

This correspondent used to think that most of the barefaced lies that soundbite their way into people's sensibilities were produced by fully profesional bullshitters and failed lawyers called 'spin doctors'. In fact, it was suggested that spin doctoring the truth was was part of some final exam that was taken prior to becoming a high-earning city professional, whose main task is to deflect the up-current of crap and send it in the opposite direction via a fall guy, who failed to join the necessary branch of the Freemasons.

It has now, however, become apparent that this may not, in fact, be the case at all. It seems that some politicians really do lie and in some cases, they actually believe what they are saying.

A case in point – Mr Gordon Broon, MP and current dictator, who seems to be labouring under the impression that he is, in fact, the Prime Minister. I nearly choked on my coco pops the other morning when I read that he'd actually had the barefaced cheek to address an African Congress and accuse the fragrant Dr. Robert Mugabe of trying to 'steal' the election in Zimbabwe.

Now, I'm no fan of Mugabe but at least some people actually voted for him. Good old Mr Broon may have a reason for thinking that 'riding out' three or so years of someone else's term of office isn't stealing, but I fail to see it.

Talking about stealing – trillions of pounds. . .

What makes New Labour think this country is a bottomless pit of surplus cash? It seems that throwing money at problems really doesn't make them go away and employing expensive 'think tanks' comprising of equally baffled yet expensive mates on hourly rates won't solve anything either.

For example – £11 billion in real terms (whatever that is) spent on the NHS
That was mostly spent on more middle managers hired to sort out the spiralling overspend. That is to say, more managers who were hired by other managers, who weren't doing their jobs properly in the first place, who then became bigger bosses and so 'deserved' pay increases and a new Merc.

Meanwhile, at the actual business end of the NHS, people languish in piss-soaked beds due to the lack of real staff, and now babies are in danger due to the lack of midwifes. Now, it's not as if we don't have any fully trained nurses and midwifes. We do.

Lots have been trained over the last few years with the cash thrown at the NHS. Some can even speak English. But it seems there isn't enough money left over from the bonus and pension schemes for managers actually to employ them. So they use their talents either in America or Canada, or just sit at home watching Jeremy Kyle all day on benefits.

Talking about benefits . . .

Checking out a recent pie chart on the outgoings and incomings of this country, it looked very alarming indeed. Perhaps the ex-chancellor and his comedy sidekick Ed Balls up need to go back to the very basics of economics.

It looks very much like we are now spend more than we actually make. This is bad, even for anyone with the faintest grasp of econmics; which is, no doubt, why the two-toned clown Alistair Darling went on to give his historic speech about how well the country's finances were doing and how well Northern Rock was doing.

It seems the solution is more tax then; obviously.

My favourite, in particular, is the rather stupid Dustbin Scam. In an attempt to make the world a more eco-friendly place, they decide to spend copious amounts of taxpayers' cash on supplying each household in the UK with four huge PLASTIC bins. And we all know how eco-friendly plastic is, don't we?

And when the hard pressed public are finished working for the govt. all day and reach their homes, instead of being allowed to collapse and recover, we are expected to sort our rubbish into nice easy to deal with sections, or be fined for being un-treehuggy.

The funny thing is, most councils go on to dump the waste in the traditional fashion, owing to the fact we don't have any real recycling facilities. Or we export it to China. Eco-friendly here – not so eco-friendly in Canton.

It seems a fair exchange, though, as we import a lot of crap from China in the first place. It's just a shame we're not exporting any real goods; like, perhaps, something we have actually manufactured.

Here's a simple solution: deliver all the benefit cheques to the nearest recycling centre and hand them out at the end of a working week. Problem solved. Except for those busy smoking and dealing in cannabis.

Talking about cannabis..

It seems that the great dictator has changed the classification of weed back to a class B drug against the advice of 'experts'. Those experts being, of course, Amy Winehouse, Pete Doherty, Brian Paddick, some spokesperson for 'yoof culture' and 'Shifty McGinty' etc.

It amuses me greatly that every time something like this happens, someone in the meeja wheels out a nutter, who swears that it turns people into murderers. Which makes most people actually go pro-cannabis because a very large amount of people, at sometime, have tried a spliff and the only thing they wanted to murder was a large beef and strawberry jam sandwich topped with jaffa cake.

The truth is that the modern hybrid skunk and its big brothers are very hazardous indeed to mental wellbeing, and are bugger all like the little blocks of resin most politicians and media folk are confusing it with.

I have a conspiracy theory here: our troops in Afghanistan are more about protecting the global drugs trade and the chief 'liz'ard herself sent one of her offspring to check all was well... (No wonder the internet is in a mess.) It does seem odd that the more liberal drug use becomes, the more conspiracy theories crop up..

and finally . . .

The pub is open. Albeit expensive, it is still now the best way to meet your friends and socialise, but a hotbed of reactionary and racist thought, apparently, according to one labour spokeswoman, which almost spilled the beans on why the govt. insists on trying to close them all.

Recently spotting the first few drunks of spring coming out of hibernation and laying claim to a favourite bench, it became clear to me that the super-strength supermarket own brand lager – £5 for 24 tins – clearly didn't come from a pub.

And strangely, anyone one who's walked a dog through a park recently and noticed children gulping down alcopops bought from corner shops staffed by young 15 year olds, may have realised the same thing.

There was a time, not so long ago, when only pubs and off-licences could sell booze. Kids weren't allowed in pubs and people had to be over 18 to work in an offy. So it was very difficult to get beer when we were kids. It didn't really stop us though! But it was a tricky affair and not easy.

We used to sit outside in the carpark with a coke whilst our folks had a quick pint. Now, of course, the pubs are full of kids running about and all the adults are in the carpark having a cigarette. And as for the kids on the park – the only coke they seem to enjoy is nasally ingested.

Yours rantingly, Bilious Trumpstaine


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