To Archive List PageOne of our correspondents was sent this list of definitions. He was asked to add to the list and pass it on. This version includes his additions

Stomped dollar   NEW

ACTIVE MANAGEMENT – Your broker is heading for the hills with your cash

AESP – "All Evidence Shredded, Please!" (or how your broker gets away with daylight robbery)

AMERICAN STYLE OPTION – See if President Bush will lend us a few bucks

APPRECIATION – What brokers fail to show after talking all your money off you in exchange for shares which nose-dive

ARBITRAGE – Legalized way of betting both ends against the middle

ASSET ALLOCATION – Diversification of investments for risk management purposes, such that the lion's share ends up in the broker's hip pocket

AUTOMATIC EXECUTION – The fate of the boards of most British banks if there was any justice in the world

AUTOMATIC EXECUTION SUSPENSION PERIOD – Gordon Brown is handing out taxpayers' cash again

AUTOTRADER – Computer program which lets an amateur investor blow his savings without having to press the buttons himself

BACK OFFICE – Where the broker keeps his escape kit in case the clients become difficult

BARGAIN CONDITIONS APPLY – You thought you were getting a bargain but you didn't read the small print

BASE CURRENCY – A currency other than the one which the customers uses into which all deals have to be converted so that the broker can take a currency conversion percentage

BASKET OF CURRENCIES – Something you no longer need to carry your money about in

BEAR MARKET – A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex

BIG BANG – Precursor to Big Crunch

BIG FIGURE – Brokers' fees

BONDS – Instruments used to strap the client down while the broker empties his pockets

BONSAI BANK – Japanese bank which is trimming its branches

BOTTOM – The market zone in which most amateur share-holders panic sell

BROKER – What my broker has made me

BROKER TO BROKER – First, my shares became worthless then the government raised income tax to bail out the banks

BULL – Government statement about how successfully it is handling the Global Credit Crunch

BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

CANDLESTICK CHART – Diagram showing where to buy the cheapest candles for when you can no longer afford to pay your electricity bill

CAPITAL APPRECIATION – I'd be grateful for the loan of a fiver

CAPITULATION – A market surrender, which happens when investors give up all hope of making money from shares and get out of the market at any price

CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet

C.E.O. – Chief Embezzlement Officer.

C.F.O. – Corporate Fraud Officer

CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER – In the case of Gordon Brown, a psychotic bean-counter, who didn't get the Robin Hood concept, and who robbed EVERYONE so that Tony Blair could give the money to his mates

CHURNING – State of investor's digestive system while viewing latest stock prices

CLEARING HOUSE – A necessary process after you're declared bankrupt and you have to sell your home

COMMITTED PRINCIPAL – The C.E.O. of this company belongs in a looney bin

CORRECTION – A rebound in the market after a sharp movement or the reason why you didn't get as much for your shares as your broker promised

CROSS RATE – Frowns grow in an inverse ratio to the stocks index

DAILY CHANGE – What's left in your pocket at about 5:30 p.m.

DAY TRADING – See "Daylight Robbery"

DEALER – Someone who stacks the deck so that he always wins

DEVALUATION – What happens to your portfolio the day after you sink your life savings into it

DIVIDEND – Cash paid to a company's shareholders (term now obsolete)

DUE DILIGENCE – Diligence may be due, but it is rarely offered

EARNINGS SURPRISE – Thje customer finds that the market has actually gone up and keels over with a heart attack

ECB – European Cash Bunker

ECONOMIC INDICATORS – Misleading government statements which panic you into selling just before the market rises or persuade you to buy just before it crashes

ENHANCED BEST PRICE – What you thought you were going to pay plus the hidden commission, which turned it into a worst price

EXECUTE AND ELIMINATE ORDER – Pipe dream about your broker and a firing squad

FINANCIAL PLANNER – A guy whose phone has been disconnected

FOMC – Full of My Cash (context: your broker’s bank account)

FRAUD SQUAD – Police unit which seems to be on permanent holiday

FREE FLOAT – State of broker who hurled self off Golden Gate bridge

FREE LUNCH – What brokers hope to get at their friendly, neighbourhood soup kitchen

FTSE – F**k The Sucker Endlessly

GEIR HAARDE – The Icelandic prime minister who gave rise to the expression: "Haarde Luck", which is what the people who invested in collapsed Icelandic banks were told

GOING LONG – Current interval between posh lunches on the firm

GROSS – Comment on the size of failed bankers' bonuses & pension funds

GTC Order – Gimme The Cash Order – instruction from impatient broker

HEDGE – System for separating the client from his money so he can't see what's happening to it

ICELANDIC STREAKER – Someone who, like an Icelandic bank, has frozen assets

INFLATION – The reason why the more you earn, the less you have

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past-year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse

KARAOKE BANK – Japanese bank which is about to be sold for a song

KAMIKAZE BANK – Japanese bank which is no longer trading after the shares nose-dived

KARATE BANK – Japanese bank which has restructured by chopping 50% of the staff

LEVERAGE – System for removing cash caught in the fingers of suspicious customers

LIBOR (Ladle In Buckets of Resources) – Gordon Brown's policy for giving taxpayers' cash to banks which won't lend to other banks or issue mortgages

LIQUIDITY – Drinks at the brokerage after the annual bonuses are announced

LONG POSITION – State of the customer’s face after Black Monday, Tuesday, etc.

MARKET CORRECTION – A fall in prices the day after the broker buys your stocks

MARKET MAKER SPREAD – Obesity in the brokerage industry

MEAN RECOMMENDATION – Your bank manager is calling in your overdraft

MORTGAGE – A device for extracting five or more times the value of a building from someone who thinks they're getting an asset for their old age.

NO LOAD FUND – Please do not ask for credit as it may cause offence

OPEN POSITION – Your job after your stock market losses drive you to embezzlement

OPTIMIST – Broker who irons five shirts on Sunday

ORIGAMI BANK – Japanese bank which has folded

PASSIVE MANAGEMENT – Sitting back and hoping for the best

P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing

PIGEON – Creature which can still put a deposit on a new Ferrari (unlike most brokers and their clients) .

PREFERENCE SHARE – What everyone else gets

PRIME RATE – The amount of money you have to pay ‘up front’

PROFIT – An archaic word no longer in use!

PUBLIC RELATIONS – A government minister has given a highly paid job to his/her brother-in-law

RECAPITALIZATION – The Chancellor picks the taxpayer's pocket to pay executive bonuses after the banks run out of ready cash

RESISTANCE – To quote the Borg, "Resistance is Futile".

RETAINED EARNINGS – Cash the client failed to grab while the grabbing was good

RISK – What the broker takes on behalf of the customer

RISK MANAGEMENT – A broker's strategy for coming out ahead even if the client loses everything

SAMURAI BANK – The only Japanese bank which is soldiering on regardless

SCALPING – The client's inevitable fate

SECURITIZATION – The bank/broker takes your money and buys something with it; like a building, which immediately drops in value

SHORTING – The well-known practice of taking your money and returning about half of it (if you're lucky)

SHORT POSITION – Natural state of the client’s wallet

SLIPPAGE – The difference between promises and what you get

SPANISH ACQUISITION – Santander Bank's buy-up of broke British banks

STANDARD & POOR – Your life in a nutshell

STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock portfolio

STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves

STOP LOSS ORDER – Futile instruction to broker when the market hits rock bottom

SUMO BANK – Japanese bank which has gone belly-up

SUSHI BANK – Japanese bank which is still trading despite having something fishy about its accounts, which suggests that customers can expect a raw deal

TICK – Uncontrollable facial twitch caused by heavy losses on the stock market

TRANSPARENT MARKET – It was obviously a swindle, so why didn't you spot it?

UNSUCCESSFUL TRADES – The ones the broker blames on the client

VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower

WALKING – What the client does when he is too poor to be able to afford a car

WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo! @ $240 per share

WHIPSAW – Device for extracting cash from really reluctant clients [see also LEVERAGE]

YAHOO! – What you yell after selling it́s stock to some poor sucker for $240 per share

ZERO LOSSES – The client's pipe dream

ZIMBABWEAN DOLLAR – Currently, the world's strongest currency

To Page TopTo Archive List PageBack to Front page