February 2003

[Saturday, 01st] A news flash on Radio 4 at 15:30 after part 2 of the Rebus play, dash for the telly. Pretty much the same pictures on CNN, ITN News and Sky News -- a meteor-like ball of fire racing through the atmosphere, shedding bits, which burned up independently of the main mass. That was the death of Columbia, the first shuttle to fly to orbit, and its crew.
5 minutes of messing about then WWE's SmackDown! [22:00, Sky Sports 1] opened with Rey Mysterio doing battle with Albert. Rey fought like someone twice his size but he was eventually run over by the A-Train. The Big Show's manager has given him the night off to wind up the Undertaker. Cena did some crap rapping ahead of his battle with the Creep. Lots of dirty work on the side from Cena's new mate and Chavo Guerrero before a frog splash finished Cena off. Mucho messing about. Kidman let himself be bounced around by Shannon Moore for a while but he settled the youngster's hash with a Shooting Star. Then Matt Hardy zapped Kidman to show us what a nutter he's become.
   Vince had a big surprise for us -- Hulk Hogan versus The Rock at the next pay-per-view. And he got The Great One to speak to us via satellite. Rikishi versus Bill DeMott is becoming a weekly affair. The ref managed not to see DeMott climbing all over the ropes while he was pinning Rikishi. Crude. The Undertaker called out the Big Show anyway -- and got a kid delivering a singing telegram. The kid got a tip and a Last Ride -- then Undertaker took his tip back!
   The Crappler and Edge had a lengthy battle with Team Angle, which zoomed in and out of shambles territory. Kurt Angle was speared while standing on the ring apron and mass mayhem followed. We came back to a more orderly struggle after a break for ads, during which the battle continued. Charlie's shoulder and Edge's knee were given the stress treatment. Team Angle self-destructed and we thought the Crappler had got a pin. But the war raged on, some dirty work with his belt from Kurt and his team gets a title shot against the Guerreros next week.
The Time Team [17:35, Channel 4] was in Greenwich looking for Henry VIII's armoury and jousting yard. No records survive of exactly where they are but the team had 2 old drawings as a source of information. The armoury proved elusive. Phil dug some big trenches but found that the evidence had been destroyed by drains. A Tudor wall turned up on the site of the tilt-yard and the team devised a banqueting hall eventually. The reconstruction, with a range of buildings and 2 massive towers overlooking the jousting area, was impressive, as usual.
Austin Powers -- International Man of Mystery (1997) was a first for us. We knew Mr. Powers existed but we'd never seen one of his films before. So we switched it on expecting it to be dreadful. But it wasn't. The obligatory bog and shagging jokes were there but the Bond parody rattled along at a fair pace and it kept its sense of fun intact. Dr. Evil, an amalgam of Bond villains, froze himself in the 1960s and thawed himself out again in the 1990s. The same happened to Mr. Powers -- only his hairy chest remained intact when Dr. Evil's long-haired cat ended up bald. So we had a villain and a hero of the 60s adrift in the politically correct 90s, and Dr. Evil planning to zap the planet if he didn't get a million dollars from the UN -- no, make that a hundred billion dollars as money ain't worth anything these days. And as Dr. Evil ended up frozen again, it looks like we can expect more of the same on some future weekend.

[Monday, 03rd] NFL Special gave us the Pro Bowl for the first time [12:00, Sky Sports 3]. It was all AFC to start the first quarter -- 2 interceptions, 2 TD and 2 sacks. Suddenly, it was 14-3. Then the punting started. Another AFC interception 3 minutes into the 2nd quarter produced another TD. A fumble on the kick off gave the ball right back to the AFC. The NFC replied with a record-setting 53 yard field goal but it was 28-6 at half time after an interception and a return almost the length of the field, which involved legal laterals and a couple of illegal forward passes.
   The NFC stopped the AFC's opening drive but they kicked a FG. In the 4th quarter, the AFC piled on a defensive TD (an interception returned to the end zone) then an offensive TD (after another interception) for a 45-6 lead. Finally, the NFC got into the end zone, made a successful on-side kick and scored another TD. The next on-side kick try went to the AFC and that was it. 45-20 and the AFC 1 match ahead in the series.
Enterprise's captain grovelled fruitlessly for a plasma injector before stroppy aliens and his dog caught a bug on their planet [A Night In Sickbay, 20:00, Sky One]. The aliens were upset because the dog peed on one of their sacred trees. The captain was mad about their failure to warn him not to bring his dog and he was rowing with T'Pol. The doctor suggested sexual tension because he hadn't had a shag recently. The captain found sickbay to be a madhouse when he tried to sleep there, and he had weird dreams and suffered Freudian slips. So the captain did a ritual apology for the aliens, and impressed them so much that they gave him 3 plasma injectors, and apologized to T'Pol. And Porthos, the dog, was okay in the end.
Wot? More Enterprise? This time, the captain took an away team (including T'Pol in a very fashion-model outfit) on a shuttle to a small colony to buy deuterium [Marauders, 21:00, Sky One]. The colonists were in a hell of a mess because they were being robbed blind by a bunch of Kingons, so Captain B. Acula stepped in. Like the Time Team, he had 3 days to turn the colonists into a fighting force. And when the Klingons turned up for their tribute, they were duly given the bum's rush.

[Tuesday, 04th] Danny and Eva were trying to get something on Bauer, a bloke who uses teenage thugs (the Foster brothers) to do his dirty work, on The Bill [20:00, ITV 1]. McAllister was AWOL, and she'd got Meadows to look after her kid while she had a night out with some bloke -- so the DCI has gone off her again! The new Aussie copper arrived and he was paired with Luke. They busted a kid who was robbing machines in arcades to persuade the owners to let him make the machines more secure. Bauer wanted this kid to join his gang and Eva got him to be a witness against Bauer. Gilmore was still hassling Luke. Sun Hill was having an open day and the Fosters strolled in to beat up the arcade kid, so Danny resorted to get-tough tactics to make one of the brothers testify against Bauer. And Eva's kid disappeared -- and this is the next on-going story.
NYPD Blue [23:40, Channel 4] continues to focus on police work. The team had to tackle 2 crimes in the same hotel. One was apparently a violent rape, which turned out to be a plot to swindle $700,000 compensation out of the hotel's owners. The other was the murder of a pimp for the $70,000 dollars in his pocket and a diamond ring. One of the bad guys cut his finger off to get the ring and the dead pimp's stable included a midget, who upset John, the receptionist, by her mere presence, and a very large lady. And Danny then Diane checked with Andy to make sure their having a relationship wouldn't disrespect the long gone (and unlamented) Bobby.

[Wednesday, 05th] On the Bill [20:00, ITV 1], Nixon was in charge of the hunt for Eva's kid, Joanna. Reg and Gary came across a weird couple, who were just red herrings. The homosexualist from a couple of episodes ago met Luke again. Joanna turned up on the security video in a shop near the weird couple. Luke was being haunted by homosexualists and Gilmore was doing his best to wreck Luke's marriage. And the kid was still missing at the end.
Outland (1981) featured Sean Canary as a marshall posted to a mining operation on a space rock dangerously inside Jupiter's radiation zone, from the view from the windows. The miners kept going crazy and killing themselves and each other. Mr. Canary found out that the management was giving them a drug which made them work like horses and go crazy after 11 months. So the marshall found himself on his todd, apart from the cynical old doctor, with a couple of hired killers on the way to write him off. And when the shootin' started, half the station got taken out! Not a bad effort.

[Thursday, 06th] More Bill [20:00, ITV 1] The kid is still missing. A prison officer turned up bashed in a park and said he fell over. His sport bag was missing and it had heroin in it when Des and Cathy Bradford arrested a stroppy kid with the bag. Gilmore was coming apart at the seams. Eva was stuck with Jim as the Family Liaison Officer.
   The stroppy kid said he saw Eva's kid but it turned out to someone else after the Sun Hill crew had wasted a night searching. Mickey busted the prison officer's home and found a laptop with paedophile stuff on it. Gilmore was bashed in hospital and he's leaving again. Inspector Gold tried to repair the damage he's done to Luke & Kerry's marriage. And Meadows recognized a garden in one of the paedophile pictures -- it belongs to the bent judge.
Frivolous and Disorganized reached its final episode [21:00, ITV 1] and Tony Finn put in for a transfer. It was drug smuggling this week, with the team busting an importing gang while bashing criminals and shoving guns in their faces. Do they think they're the Sweeney of the 1970s, or something? Another 'armed police' raid, another crim strolled out the back way, pausing only to shoot Tony's former lover in the arm with her own gun.
   The main bad guy grabbed Tony and offered to swap him for his brother, who'd been nicked. Jack Finn was throwing wobblies all over the place but he and the boss finally worked out where Tony was being held as the bad guy was getting ready give Tony a going over with a steam iron. More shootin' when Jack barged in and another bad guy with a hole in his head [how does he get this stuff past CIB?]. And everything okay again with the Brothers Finn.

[Friday, 07th] Stacy was back on RAW [21:00, Sky Sports 3] looking remarkably undamaged. Test wanted a rumble with Y2J but he got one with Christian instead -- and accident-prone Stacy got in the way again. The Dudleys got Freako as their ref for a match with the Fat Bastards. Freako ripped off a super-fast count after about a minute so Spike brought in a table and Freako went through it. Tommy Dreamer came out for a match but all we got was a pointless assault by Triple Tedious's stooges. And a boring rant. Bischoff was getting the run-around when he tried to track down Steve Austin in Texas.
   Molly tossed Victoria around a bit before the champ asserted herself. Then Jazz zapped Molly as part of her tedious psycho routine. Goldust and Booker had a fast, action-filled match with Regal and Storm before we went into a shambles phase. Goldie hit Booker by mistake and they lost. And their tag-team's history now. Kane versus RVD was fairly deliberate until Jeff Hardy, doing a pointless psycho act, had a go at both men. So he got a choke-slam and a frog splash.
   The Has-Been Kid gave Jeff some free advice and a boot in the mush. Maven faced up to D'Lo Brown, who notched up an unconvincing win. Bish was still chasing Stevo in Texan bars. Goldust was mugged by 2 of TT's stooges and 'electrocuted', so it looks like he's on the injured list and needs to disappear for treatment for a while. Chris Jericho versus Scott Steiner was mainly Y2J being bashed. No surprises when the big man won it. And Bish now has one week left to save his job.
   Another crap show. If this is the best that he can do -- Bye-Bye, Bish! And the sooner the better.

[Saturday, 08th] Smackdown! [21:30, Sky Sports 3] opened with a crane messing about with a crate. Rey Mysterio then took on Jamie Noble in a tough match which ended with a double 619 for Noble and Nidia and a pin by Mysterio. The Rock visited Philadelphia via satellite. Nunzio went for Rikishi's leg as a slow-down tactic but he was sat upon very quickly. Paul Heyman announced that the crate contained a present for Undertaker -- some red-faced creep called Brother Love, who received a choke-slam and a Tombstone.
   Matt Hardy and Kidman had a well constructed bout. After losing, Matt announced that he was going to lose 10 pounds so that he can fight Kidman for the cruiserweight belt. Team Angle and the Guerreros staged a lengthy battle, which contained some actual wrestling, lots of action and buckets of cheatin'. Finally, the Creep pinned the wrong man, the ref refused to count, and the 'legal' guy snuck up on the Creep and pinned him. So Team Angle are now the tag champs.
   Hogan and Rocky ranted at each other at great length. Albert was overtaken by a WWE kid doing a streak (the one who gave Undertaker a singing telegram last week). Sean O'Haire had told the kid it would get him noticed. After Albert had demolished Shannon Moore, the streaker returned, pursued by refs, and he was cornered in Stephanie's office.
   John Cena challenged the Gorilla in rap. Oh, no! Not another bloody filler -- the Crappler with Kurt Angle horning in this time. Kurt and Benoit then staged a titanic struggle, which featured some actual wrestling. Kurt held on to his belt after 15-20 minutes an offered a handshake to his opponent - which was a cue for Team Angle to scrag the Crappler and Edge and the Gorilla to get stuck in to the shambles.
   A very poor show this week. Too many fillers and the matches featuring Team Angle were all that saved it. What are all the other 'wrestlers' doing?

[Monday, 10th] The Vulcans had located Menos, a former secret agent, on Enterprise [The Seventh Moon, 20:00, Sky One] and T'Pol was sent on a top secret mission to arrest him. Captain B. Acula was bent out of shape initially because he was left out of the loop but T'Pol took him along because 'she needed someone she could trust'. Menos had infiltrated a gang of alien criminals, become rich and refused to go home. He got T'Pol doubting the validity of her mission but the captain kept her on course and she discovered that he was a bad guy eventually and busted him.
Enterprise, helping #2 [The Communicator, 21:00, Sky One] began with Malcolm losing a communicator on a trip to a pre-atomic civilization and having to go back into a potential war zone to recover it. The local militia arrested him and the captain, and discovered that they were aliens with red blood and surgical disguises. Captain B. Acuala told them he was genetically monstered, not an alien, so the militia decided to hang the prisoners and autopsy them. Meanwhile, Travis made his arm invisible while messing with the cloaking system on a Suliban shuttle. He saved the captain and Malcolm but the primitive culture was contaminated with the knowledge that aliens with phase-weapons exist.

[Tuesday, 12th] NYPD Blue [Fools Russian, 23:40, Channel 4] kicked off with a 300 lb Russian hauled out of the river in a barrel. Next up, 2 battered, half-naked Chinese blokes were hauled into the squad room, where a PC was being installed for the senior detective - Andy Sipowitz! The Chinese guys were being hassled by snakeheads, who had kidnapped their sister. Andy and Danny followed the trail of the dead Russian's car to a guy called Vernon while Greg chased snakeheads with a Chinese cop. Vernon said the Russian was a wife-beater and she'd shot him in self defence, she said Vernon killed her husband and the black DA thought it would be easier to prosecute Vernon, who was black, than the wife. But Andy squared things up, and Greg saved the kidnapped Chinese woman and got the PC. And Diane and Danny aren't getting back together.

[Wednesday, 12th] On The Bill [20:00, ITV 1], Meadows didn't know if the paedophiles had Eva's kid and she was back at work. Sgt. Sheila Murphy arrived to take over from Gilmore. Meadows tackled the paedophile prison officer at home then he searched the bent judge's home. Jim was stressed out. A bloke reported a woman missing and Luke and Nick found a battered woman. June was tackling an uncooperative domestic. The battered woman was a heroin mule working for the husband in the domestic -- she'd known the wife when they'd been working as prostitutes. The judge caught Meadows burgling his office and Jim went back on the booze and proposed to June.

[Thursday, 13th] Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, was worried about being not human if Spike can hit her without activating his chip [Dead Things, 18:45, BBC 2]. Nerd Warren made a control device, used it on Catriona, an old girlfriend, and turned her into his slave -- until the device burned out and the nerds killed the slave. Warren decided to make Buffy think she'd killed Catriona. Spike cleared up the crime-scene but Buffy still went to the police station to confess. But she discovered in time that the dead girl was Warren's ex and Willow explained what had happened. Tara had a look at Buffy and concluded that she's still 100% human but slightly altered -- enough to confuse Spike's chip which stops him attacking humans. But Buffy isn't convinced ...
On The Bill [20:00, ITV 1], Eva threw the first of several wobblies and the borough commander, wound up by the bent judge, wanted Meadows to resign quietly. Inspector Gold winkled Des out of the CSU. Eva and Sgt. Murphy got involved with an illegal immigrant whose moped had been stolen. He was working for a drug-dealing pizza supplier, and Murphy busted the dealer eventually. Meadows was still going after the paedophiles while Supt. Okaro stood on the sidelines and watched.
   Mickey was trailing the dodgy property developer and spotted a birthmark on his arm. June went after a young woman who'd been abused by the judge when about 10, and eventually got a statement out of her. Mickey made the link from the statement to the property developer's birthmark. Meadows busted the judge and brought him to Sun Hill while the borough commander was there, making a nuisance of herself. And at the end, the body of a black girl turned up.

[Friday, 14th] Bischoff opened RAW [21:30, Sky Sports 2] with a rant and sacked J.R. Cue some ads! 20 minutes in, Testicles demolished Christian in 3 minutes and the Coach took over on commentary. After the match, Christian nailed Test from behind to celebrate his defeat. D'Lo's manager wanted Booker to team up with him instead of Goldust -- so Booker gave poor old D'Lo a battering and saw him off in a couple of minutes. Jazz versus Molly was mainly Jazz for the 3 minute brawl and all Jazz for the post-match aggro. J.R. needed to get Steve Austin to sign up for the next pay-per-view to get his job back. RVD and Kane against 3 Minute Warning rapidly became a shambles with Freako being wiped out before a frog splash settled it.
   Cue Vince to set Chief Valbowski against all 3 Dudleys. Bischoff tried to bribe Vince with hot bisexual lesbians, so Vince sacked him and sang the Canadian 'Goodbye' song. Valbowski was then demolished comprehensively by the Dudleys and finished up going through a table. Batista versus Tommy Dreamer was a one minute wonder and a vehicle for Booker to run in to save him from Triple Tedious and his stooges, and Scott Steiner to save the Book's ass.
   The Dudleys gave Bischoff a singing send-off. Chris Jericho and Jeff Hardy put on a great show for about 15 with lots of action and high-flying. A Walls of Jericho proved decisive. Cue Vince again to unsack J.R., who guaranteed that Austin would be at the next ppv, and make Bischoff kiss his ass to get his job back. Bisch couldn't do it, so his ticket back became a match against Stevo at the next pay-per-view.

[Saturday, 15th] King Kong versus Godzilla (1962) [12:00, Sci-Fi] began with a fiendish Jap pharmaceutical company kidnapping King Kong from his island to boost their TV ratings and Godzilla emerging from a disintegrating iceberg and heading for Japan, where its species lived 90-120 million years ago. Kong's Pacific island was at the mercy of a giant octopus but he soon saw the creature off when it tried to get at his supply of tranquillizing berry juice. The Japanese navy tried to stop the pharmaceutical company from landing Kong but he woke up and escaped from his raft, even after it was blown up. The 'experts' reckoned Kong and Godzilla would be natural enemies and they set about each other eventually. In the end, they fell into the sea, locked in mortal combat. Kong reappeared and swam back to his island. No sign of Godzilla, though.
Edge and Charlie Haas put on a good action-packed opening match for SmackDown! [22:00, Sky Sports 1]. After over 10 minutes, Edge got to Spear Paul Heyman before being rolled up and pinned. Messing about. Rey Mysterio and Matt Hardy gave us lots more action, a 619 and a pin for Mysterio. Brian Kendrick, last week's streaker, was bashed backstage by DeMott for no apparent reason. The Crappler was demolished by Albert at the start of their match. Another kamikaze dive off the post by Benoit missed but he won with a Cross-face. Another crate for Undertaker from Big Show contained Kanyon doing a Boy George (we were told). His next move was to attack Undertaker and be marmalyzed.
   The Creep versus Shelton Benjamin contained lots of actual wrestling. The Creep jumped on Charlie Haas off the post instead of onto his opponent and that was his first step on the road to defeat. The Hulk and Rocky went on at great length then Torrie and Dawn did a fair amount of actual wrestling in their bra and panties match. Another win for Torrie then Nidia attacked Torrie. She duly flattened the other women and debagged Nidia too.
   The Gorilla chucked crap rapper Cena all over the place. Being bashed by a steel chain used as a knuckle duster slowed the Gorilla down but he came back with an F5. Then the Gorilla and Kurt Angle jawed a bit, and Kurt and Team Angle were bounced about a bit.

[Sunday, 16th] The Time Team [17:30, Channel 4] were digging up the Royal Crescent at Bath in search of Roman stuff, but they had no luck relocating some Roman sarcophagi, which were found in the 19th Century -- an extension to a church had destroyed them. Nothing Roman on Day 1, only prehistoric stuff. Bucketing rain on Day 2 and the team was looking for a part of Fosse Way. Phil found a substantial Roman building and a body turned up in a road ditch -- but the surveyors decided it wasn't Fosse Way. The conclusion was that a former burial site had been reused for residential and industrial purposes.

[Monday, 17th] Enterprise [Singularity, 20:00, Sky One] began with the crew flat out and T'Pol explaining that the crew had become obsessed with minor tasks and then everyone had pegged out due to the effects of radiation from a black hole and 2 feeder stars. T'Pol shoved the captain in the shower to revive him and get his attention. Captain B. Acula woke up enough to fly the ship through a debris field and out of range of the radiation. Then everyone was okay and the captain got a comfy chair.
Enemy of the State (1998) [21:00, Channel 5] featured Will Smith as a lawyer who fell foul of the NSA. An NSA boss thought that he had a video of him having a Senator killed. Smith had to go on the run and he hooked up with Gene Hackman (a long way into the film) who was a disillusioned, ex-NSA agent. Bugged, watched by spy satellites and helicopters, shot at, beaten up; Smith kept running and running until he was able to set the irresistible force of the NSA against an immovable object in an ingenious ending. Good stuff and well done.

[Tuesday, 18th] NYPD Blue [Writing Wrongs, 23:30, Channel 4] started with 2 bodies, a schoolgirl and a derelict, both strangled. Andy and Danny got the derelict, Greg, Diane and Jones got the schoolgirl, who had written 2 essays about being raped by someone she'd flirted with. Her teacher produced a 3rd essay and said he'd been too worried about gossip to ask the kid if she had any problems. Andy wanted to date someone from his past but he needed a babysitter. John eventually got the job after Andy had suppressed his mistrust of homosexualists. The first suspect for the schoolgirl's murder (the rapist) had an alibi but one of the deceased's friends pointed the cops at the teacher, who confessed all.

[Thursday, 20th] Buffy, the Vampire Slayer's attention-seeking sister Dawn was shoplifting and moaning to the school counsellor that people keep leaving her [Older and Far Away, 18:45, BBC 2]. So the evil demon counsellor fixed things so that no one could leave Buffy's birthday party. And a sword-wielding demon turned up. Sally, the vengeance demon, is Anya's mate and she and Spike know each other. Sally found that she was stuck at the party too, thanks to the curse. But with one bound, everyone was free!

[Friday, 21st] The Last Detective [Tricia21:00, ITV 1] is Leslie Thomas's creation 'Dangerous' Davies, the guy who gets stuck with the nutters. He is burdened with a grasping, estranged wife, who's got the house and who expects him to produce substantial chunks of cash out of thin air, he has a faithful best mate who's only somewhat reliable and his colleagues in the CID are either boozers or idle. His first case was an old lady, who was convinced (wrongly) that her neighbour had done his wife in and either flushed the remains down the bog or dumped them in bin liners. Case No. 2 was an obsessive woman and a dangerous nutter, who ended up stabbing one of Dangerous's colleagues. Life is real fun in the Met.

[Saturday, 22nd] Raw [00:00, Sky Sports 2] kicked off with RVD taking on Lance Storm with Kane and Regal lurking nearby. Lots of agility in a stop-go fashion for about 10 minutes before the frog splash landed. A rant from Bischoff included unfiring Chief Valbowski, giving the other Dudleys a night off and Spike a handicap match with 3 Minute Warning and Freako, and himself a match with J.R. Jacqui and Molly versus Victoria and Jazz was mainly Jazz bashing Molly but the fall went to Jacqui. Then Jazz put on the usual display of bad temper. A report of sorts on Goldust and a tribute to the late Mr. Perfect were followed by Rodney Mack (who?) taking on Al Snow with a black racialist background. The match was quite short and the finish was distinctly clumsy.
   Chris Jericho and Christian's match with Jeff Hardy and Shawn Michaels was No Disqualification, so the Has-Been Kid was soon handcuffed to the ropes and Jeff took a battering. Y2J got too close with the key and soon afterwards the HBK kicked a steel chair back into his mush and a Swanton Bomb finished things off. The Hurricane showed off his talents in a match with Nowinski and, surprisingly, he was allowed to claim the win. Spike's assassination was a fine example of WWE sportsmanship.
   Scott Steiner and Booker T took on Triple Tedious, Batista, the other hangers on and a blind ref. But for once, all 4 bad guys were flattened and Booker got the pin on TT. Finally, the Coach took over the vacant slot at the commentary table while J.R. reported to the ring for some ritual humiliation by Bisch. Another fine display of the WWE philosophy and another step on the road to Bisch's ritual humiliation by Stevo at the next pay-per-view.

[Sunday, 23nd] SmackDown! [00:00, Sky Sports 1] -- Enter The Rock to be booed, and that was 15 minutes gone. The Crappler and Albert got their match over very quickly with the Crappler sneaking one. Johnny the Bull buckled at the knees when he tried to lift Rikishi over his head during their match. Rikishi got a pin then he was mugged by Nunzio, Palumbo and Bullo. A new Guerrero short film then Rey Mysterio and Kidman took on Matt Hardy and Shannon Moore. Matt got the 619 and replied with a power bomb. Lots of high flying then the scriptwriter gave it to Matt.
   An interview with Aussie armed robber Nathan Jones then the Undertaker had 2 crates to open tonight. One contained a little dawg, the other was an ambush by the Big Show. Nidia was helped out by Jamie Noble and Dawn Marie when she faced up to Torrie in a 'paddle on a pole' match, which was pretty much a no contest. Funaki came to Torrie's rescue afterwards. An Austin promo then the Hulkster with a rant. Rocky joined in being a jerk.
   The Gorilla had to beat the rest of Team Angle before he was allowed to face Kurt. Haas was seen off quickly but Benjamin managed some ass-kicking. When Kurt got into the ring, Paul Heyman intervened with a steel chair to try to get him disqualified. That didn't work, so Team Angle launched a mass assault and Edge and the Crappler joined in the closing shambles.
For programme #100, the Time Team [17:30, Channel 4] returned to Athelney, Somerset, where King Alfred is supposed to have burned the cakes. They were there 10 years ago but they weren't allowed to dig the scheduled monument. This time, they could look for the ruins of Alfred's abbey and his fort. Most of the building stone had been robbed out but the team found Iron Age fortifications which the Saxons had modified. Alfred's church had gone completely but there were lots of finds at the fort end of the site. And Tony made some burnt cakes!

[Monday, 24th] On Enterprise [Vanishing Point, 20:00, Sky One], Hoshi and Tripp looked at some ancient ruins on a planet. A storm blew up and they had to transport back to the ship as it was too dangerous to use a shuttle. Hoshi had a feeling that her molecules weren't okay afterwards and she began having weird experiences, including becoming invisible and immaterial, and finding aliens planting bombs all over Enterprise. But it was all a transporter hallucination -- she'd been stuck in the pattern buffer for 8 seconds, during which she'd had her 'experience'.
The Bone Collector (1999) [21:00, Channel 5] had a quadriplegic crime scene investigator (black) recruiting a black female beat cop to do the on-the-spot work as he pursued a demented serial killer from his bed. Unlikely? You bet! Amelia choked when the expert told her to cut a dead woman's hands off to preserve fingerprints on handcuffs. The captain took personal control of the case and sacked the expert -- only to make a fool of himself. The killer was leaving coded messages at the crime scenes and he was working through the killings at a turn of the century (19th/20th) book called 'The Bone Collector'. His excuse was that the expert's testimony had ruined his career and the killer's final target was -- the expert!

[Tuesday, 25th] WWE No Way Out [21:00, Sky Sports 1] in Montreal kicked off with Y2J and Jeff Hardy doing some leaping about in and out of the ring. A power bomb off the post and a Walls of Jericho finished things off after 15 minutes. Then the Has Been Kid and Christian joined in. Kurt gave Team Angle a pep talk then RVD and Kane took on Storm and Regal in a long battle with a joke finish. Storm twisted Kane's mask so that he couldn't see. He then shoved RVD into Kane, who choke-slammed his partner! And RVD was then pinned.
   Matt Hardy had a run-in with his brother on the way to his match with Kidman. It was mainly Matt in the early stages. Kidman did a kamikaze dive off the post but he kicked out of a Twist of Fate. But another of these finished him off. Sensation! Edge was found battered backstage. The history of Big Show and Undertaker at great length introduced a match which started beside the ring. Taker nearly got himself pinned when he tried to pick up Big Show and fell over! No choke slams and Last Rides by Taker on such a big opponent. Albert and Paul Heyman tried to join in so Taker jumped on both of them. Then he choked Big Show out with a leg lock. Cue Albert to return and flatten Taker as he was about to use a steel chair on the fallen Show.
   Backstage, Vince told Bischoff that anyone who tried to interfere in his match with Stevo would get his ass fired. Team Angle faced just Benoit and Lesnar with Edge on his way to hospital. We soon had the whole of TA going at the Gorilla. Kurt did a lot of choking then we had a lot of Germans from the Crappler. Eventually, the Crappler made Haas tap with a cross-face while the Gorilla F5'd Angle. Triple Tedious needed his gang to help out when he met Scott Steiner. The crowd was soon yelling "Boring!" TT attacked the ref to try and get himself disqualified. And while the ref was ejecting the hangers on, TT bashed Steiner with his belt and that was it. Boo!
   Bisch was in the ring offering to surrender when Stevo appeared. Buckets of ritual humiliation for Raw's general manager. Finally, The Rock versus Hulk Hogan, who's now the People's Champ. The contestants beat each other like government mules with Hogan's belt. A double Rocky Elbow had no effect on the Hulkster. The lights went out while the ref was counting a pin on Rocky -- thanks to Vince. Then the ref gave the Rock of Jabroni a steel chair and we had another shameful moment in the history of the WWE. The Rock of Jabroni is now Vince's creature. Boo!

[Wednesday, 26th] The Bill returned [20:00, ITV 1] with Meadows telling the judge he was finished and Sgt. Murphy taking her first parade. Criminal Ron Gregory was in on the paedophile ring, which made DS Hunter a security risk. Meadows busted Inverdale, the property speculator, who was too scared of Gregory to talk. Eva was playing Banquo's Ghost. Gary and Tony got stroppy with an estate agent, who'd let one of his clients be burgled and they eventually set up a sting operation to catch a pair of crooks who were looking over properties and nicking anything worth having.
   Hunter found out that Inverdale had been arrested and ran to Gregory. The MP in the paedophile ring turned up at Sun Hill and got short shrift from Meadows. DI Nixon did some profiling for the MIT woman who was investigating the dead black girl -- who wasn't Joanna Sharpe. Hunter blackmailed Drummond into giving him information -- he'd been paying the cash into Drummond's bank account. The judge topped himself in his car. Finally, Eva shopped her brother-in-law and he became a prime suspect.

[Thursday, 27th] Vampires don't want to fight Buffy, the Vampire Slayer while she pongs of Double-Meat burgers [As You Were, 18:45, BBC 2]. In fact, she's a general failure at getting the trash out in time and getting into college. When Riley turns up, she abandons the burger bar to help him with a demon. Zander and Anya are one week from their wedding and uptight. Riley's wife shows up! Buffy kills the demon when the Rileys wanted to track it to its nest. Foreign powers want to buy mini-demons and there's an agent called 'The Doctor' in town. Riley reckons Spike is this agent -- Spike says he's holding the eggs for a friend. Riley blows up Spike's crypt when the eggs hatch and Buffy chucks Spike.
On The Bill [20:00, ITV 1], Eva's husband wasn't pleased that his brother had been locked up. The brother says that he was with a girlfriend when his niece went missing and, after a lot of messing about, his story checks out. And when Eva's husband takes him home, that causes another argy-bargy. Meanwhile, Reg and Gemma investigate thefts of building materials from homes -- York paving, etc. -- and track 2 dodgy characters from the builder's merchant which supplied the materials all the way to their customer, a builder who's feeling the pinch.
   Meanwhile, MIT brings in a psychic and Meadows gets no change out of Inverdale, who has a lock-up, which proves to be his porn palace. Blood from the dead girl is found here and Inverdale admits that he's using a charity, one for which Meadows' wife is an officer, to import children from Africa. Hunter tells all to Ron Gregory, who arranges for Inverdale to be shot at the magistrates court while he's boozing at his golf club with Hunter. Hunter tells all to Meadows, who chucks a chair at him! The psychic tells Eva that her kid is close and lo!, the kid turns up in a derelict building which is being done up.

[Friday, 28th] Jackie Chan's First Strike (1996) [21:00, Channel 5] was a bit like James Bond with Sammo Law playing the lead. Lots of stunts and kung fu stuff, and fight sequences calculated to get the audience laughing their heads off. Chan was pursued by skiers in the Arctic and by sharks in a marine exhibition when he wasn't busy with Sammo-style battles. And after it was all over, we got a selection of bloopers to show that the stunts went wrong and Mr. Chan didn't come out of them unscathed at times. Great stuff!

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