January 2005

[Saturday, 01st] SmackDown! [17:00, Sky Sports 3] was a night of champions defending their belts. Pond Life Cena delivered a rant then Rene Dupree had to let himself be chucked about before another unconvincing 'win' by the chump. Kurt Angle zapped another home town hero after offering himself as a rival to the Big Show for Bradshaw's match at the next ppv. Fun backstage including Tough Enough Champ Puder introducing himself.
   Bradshaw picked his opponent 'at random' from a golfish bowl alleged to contain everyone else's name. The lucking winner was Shannon Moore, who's half his size and who lasted about 2 seconds. Then G.M. Long found out that every piece of paper in the goldfish bowl had the same name on it. So Bradshaw found himself in a triple threat match with Angle and Big Show at the next ppv.
   Carlito is out to get Teddy Long in 2005. A rant from Heidenreich before Undertaker was delivered to the ring in a coffin to frighten him. Funaki gave Spike Dudley a return match for the cruiserweight belt; and Spike proved he's still a bad loser. The WWE in Iraq and messing about. Finally, RVD and Rey Mysterio took on Booker T and Latino Creep. The champs were on the wrong end of most of the cheating and the match went on for an exceptionally long time.
   Inevitable, Booker booted the ref and felled him. Latino Creep brought a belt into the ring and tried to frame Mysterio for felling him – which wouldn't have done him any good as a disqualification is as good as a win for a WWE champ. For once, the ref didn't buy the Creep's swindle attempt and he was pinned instead.
The Jewel of the Nile (1985) [19:00, Channel 4] is a daft adventure in which romantic novelist Kathleen Turner gets fed up of sailing round the world with Michael Douglas. She accepts an invitation to write the life story of a would-be Middle East dictator and Douglas and his criminal colleague (Danny de Vito) follow on hoping to get their hands on the jewel; not knowing it's the title of a rather funky holy man. Lots of mayhem, especially when the gang go on the run in the jewel of the bad guy's air force!
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, the pilot (2000) [21:00, Channel 5] offered a whole bunch of different cases set in Las Vegas rather than the standard 2-murder format of the subsequent series. Everyone was in place but Sarah, Captain Brass was in charge of the team, he and Warrick had a mutual hate campaign going and the captain was dead keen to get rid of a new girl. She solved his problem by getting herself killed when Warrick wasn't watching her back. So the captain was shunted off to Homicide, Grissom took over his job, Sarah arrived and Warrick didn't get the sack.

[Sunday, 02nd] On Stargate SG1, Daniel was dreaming of Sarah before the Goa'uld Osiris took her as a host and Sam was getting on very well with Pete ["Chimera", 16:05, Channel 4]. Osiris wanted Daniel to translate a tablet. Pete was enough of a cop to know that Sam was holding out on him. The team realized that Daniel wasn't getting any sleep because Osiris was using a memory scanning gadget on him, looking for the location of the Ancients' lost city. Pete learned that Sam works for some top-secret government outfit. Spying on Sam, he saw SG1 set up a trap for Osiris. The Tok'ra removed the symbiote, setting Sarah free, and Pete ended up in the hospital at the SGC, where Sam told him what she really does for a living.
A new series of the Time Team [17:00, Channel 4] started at a Tudor manor in Bucks, which was once big enough to house Henry VIII (3 times) and Elizabeth I (twice) plus an entourage of 1,000 bodies. The diggers started digging and Stuart took to the drains. Soon, he was telling them that they were digging in the wrong place and the Tudor plan was totally different from the enclosed courtyard they were expecting. So the team had to dig where they could around the buildings of a working farm to define the layout of a vast, mainly linear system of buildings.
NFL Sunday [18:00, Sky Sports Xtra] began with the Steelers' B-team in Buffalo, where the Bills had to win to keep playoff hopes alive. Pittsburgh went 3 and out with Maddox in charge but Foote got the ball back for them by recovering a fumble on the punt return. Denney sacked Maddox on the next play but Reed kicked a 23 yard FG for the first score. 3-0. The Bills went 3 and out after a sack by Polemalu but a fumble on the first Steelers' play gave the ball right back to them. McGahee pounded through huge holes to the Steelers' 3, then hit the end zone. 3-7. Starting from midfield, Maddox made pass plays of 23 yards with Mays then 16 yards with Randle El for a TD. 10-7. Foote picked off Bledsoe's first play at the Buffalo 24 and a 22 yard FG in the 2nd quarter increased the Steelers' lead to 13-7.
   3 and out again for the Bills. Spikes got an interception when it bounced off the Steelers' receiver's hands as he was being mugged but the Bills couldn't make anything out of the turn-over. Randle El took a pass 24 yards on a 3rd and 10 and a 31 yard FG from Reed made the score 16-7. 3 and out for the Bills. Pittsburgh punted after the 2 minute warning and the Bills managed to get close enough for a 37 yard FG. 16-10.
   The 3rd quarter started with the Bills going 3 and out again against Pittsburgh's defence of back-ups but Clements returned an interception 30 yards for a TD to give them a 16-17 lead! Pass interference got the Steelers away from their end zone but they punted after a sack by P. Williams. Buffalo found themselves at their 2 after face mask and delay of game penalties. Then they false-started!. But tripping by the Steelers got them out of their hole, McGahee rushed 16 yards, they reached the Pittsburgh 13, then they went backwards and Lindell missed a 28 yard FG try. Parker rushed 58 yards to the Bills' 22 with St. Pierre on as QB for the Steelers.
   The drive ended with a 37 yard FG from Reed in the 4th quarter. 19-17. Then Harrison returned a fumble 18 yards for a TD when Copeley sacked Bledsoe. 26-17. Next time they had the ball, the Steelers pounded yards out on the ground through increasing rain, eating up the clock. St. Pierre made a 4th and 1 with a scramble. And after eating up 9 minutes and 2 Buffalo time-outs, a 33 yard FG made the score 29-17 with 2:14 left. Evans took a pass 55 yards to the Pittsburgh 22. Scott took another to the 1 and McGahee went in for the TD. 29-24. But when the Steelers recovered the on-side kick try, that was it.
   A good job by the Steelers reserves gave them a 15-1 record for the season and left the Bills thinking about next season.
Over to St Louis to see the Jets, 26-29 down to the Rams, advance to the Rams 10 and a FG from Brien send the match into overtime, 29-29. The Jets now knew they were in the playoffs following the Bills' loss but they showed no signs of relaxing.
   The Rams won the toss, Malemaneula took a pass 25 yards to midfield but the drive stalled. [Meanwhile, in Denver, Sorgi hit Harrison with a TD pass to give the Colts a 7-0 lead then Plummer equalized with a 38 yard TD to Lelie. 7-7.] A sack by Pickett left the Jets with a 3rd & 17, so they punted. Ellis sacked Bulger and the Rams punted. [Denver went 7-14 up after a 51 yard fumble recovery for a TD by their defence!] The Jets stalled at the Rams' 35 and a 53 yard FG try by Brien was short. [Denver's TD was cancelled after a challenge; the Colts' man was down when he lost the ball.] The Rams drove to the Jets' 35, Jackson took a pass to the 13 for a 1st down and Wilkins kicked the winning FG right away. 29-32 and both teams in the playoffs, the Rams as a wild card as Seattle won their last match and their division.
Over to Denver in the 2nd quarter of the Colts/Broncos match. Elam kicked a 45 yard FG to give the Broncos a 7-10 lead. The Colts had to punt. Gaining ground freely through the air and on the ground, the Broncos reached the Colts' 2 and Hait took a TD pass. 7-17. The Colts struck right back. Wayne took a pass 71 yards, through 2 pathetic tackle attempts, for a TD! 14-17. Denver punted inside the last 2 minutes but a fumble recovery by Rhodes on the next play by the Colts gave Elam a chance to kick a 23 yard FG. 14-20 at half time.
   Both teams punted away their first possessions of the 3rd quarter. Putzier took a pass 23 yards and got a crunching. Bell rushed 14 yards, he had a 25 yard dash to the Indy 5 called back for holding but the drive kept going and Plummer covered the last 5 yards himself for a TD. 14-27. The Colts went 3 and out after a near interception. They had to rekick after a penalty and Adams brought the ball back to their 40, a nett gain of 30 yards on the previous punt. Brock sacked Plummer and Elam kicked a 40 yard FG. 14-30.
   The Colts punted in the 4th quarter. There was a lot of messing about when the Colts tried to call back-to-back time-outs for no apparent reason, but they didn't collect a penalty. A bit of work for the punters, then Droughns charged 51 yards to the Colts' 31 and Elam kicked a 40 yard FG. 14-33. And after the Colts punted, the Broncos ran out the clock.
   Denver's reward for beating the Colt's B-team was a match against the A-team in Indianapolis next week.

[Monday, 03rd] Battlestar Galactica and the fleet were short of fuel and the president was seeing snakes! [20:00, Sky One]. An asteroid full of fuel ore was crawling with cylons. Adama went for a surprise attack and Balthar pointed out a target for a big bang (at random). The 37th day loose on Caprica for Helo and his Boomer, who was sick. Adama gave Apollo the family's lucky cigarette lighter. He flew through a tunnel into the refinery and zapped the cylons big-time. The president's visions are all connected with some religious stuff and Balthar told his imaginary cylon that God wanted him to destroy the base.
The book Eaters of the Dead by Michael Crichton is the basis for the film The 13th Warrior (1999) [21:00, ITV 2]. A poet from Baghdad fell in with some Vikings in the land of the Tartars and got roped in to fight a terror which cannot be named – a savage tribe with a leader in a bear head-dress, which lived in a vast underground cave system, collected heads and destroyed everything in sight above ground. But killing the boss female and the chief soon sorted them out.

[Tuesday, 04th] The Stargate SG1 team went to save Maybourne from the Goa'uld; only to find he's now a king! ["It's Good To Be King", 20:00, Sky One]. He was also a prophet, reading material left by the Ancients which went beyond the present. And even after he told his people he was a pretender, not a seer, they still wanted him to be king. So Carter and O'Neill got an Ancients' spacecraft working and found it had just enough weaponry left to zap Aires when he showed up. Then SG1 split, leaving the king to his wives.
On Stargate Atlantis ["The Defiant One", 21:00, Sky One], Sheppard & Co. investigated a crashed Wraith ship and found one still alive. It ate one crew member and munched another. Working from intuition, Dr. Weir sent off a rescue mission, which would take 15 hours to arrive. The Wraith took over the jumper and got into a shooting war with Sheppard. The bloke who'd been fed from and aged shot himself to get away from McKay's whining. And the rescue mission arrived just in time to splat the Wraith as it was eating the local glow-bugs.

[Wednesday, 05th] Sky One is running the first season of Stargate SG1 at 18:00 on weekdays. Worth checking out just to see everyone looking so young, especially Daniel, and Col. O'Neill with non-grey hair. Tonight's episode (No. 3) was all about the Goa'uld sybiote inside Kowalski gaining control of him and Teal'c joining SG1.
On The Bill [20:00, Granada], Terry was stealing garbage to find his brother and a vicar locked a couple of yobs in a garden shed. 2 blokes from Lance's church had grabbed him but they'd done it on CCTV and they were tracked down and busted. Terry found his sister in law and started harassing her again; and he's turned her into a nervous wreck. The wedding parody went off. Terry stole his brother's family again and De Costa had the cheek to arrest the brother when he stuck one on Terry. And finally, Okaro is bringing in DC Jo Masters to sort out the feuding Meadows & Manson, but quite how a constable is going to boss about a chief inspector and an inspector, and why they'd let her, remains to be seen.
WWE Raw [21:00, Sky Sports 3] started with Batista & Benoit battering each other for over 10 minutes before the animal Batista Bomb'd his opponent. Then he tuned up Triple Tedious backstage. Snitsky said it's not his fault. Edge & Y2J battled through some ads and Edge cheated to 'win', as usual. Surrender Monkey Granier took on Shelton Benjamin, who came through after a slow start.
   J.R. & The Idiot had their pointless 'debate' with the Ay-rabs. (Why couldn't they have gone to Teatowels R Us and got one for the little feller to wear on his head?) Then J.R. & The Idiot were beaten up so Coach took over at the announce table. Victoria had to let herself be chucked around to build up Trash's image. Lita strolled out to bash Trash, Snitsky joined in and Kane made a grand return. Eugene versus Christian had Tonker helping out and the inevitable swindle.
   J.R. returned for Triple Tedious versus Orton, who let himself be bashed by TT & Flair. Surprise! The ref was knocked out and the usual suspects joined in. Benoit zapped Batista, Jericho zapped Edge and the Has Been Kid took over as ref to count Orton's pin on TT.

[Thursday, 06th] Episode 4 of Stargate SG1 [18:00, Sky One] saw Captain Carter dressed up like a Mongol princess and not very happy about it! But she got to thump a stroppy chieftain at the end of it.
On The Bill [20:00, Granada], the doctor said there was no sign Terry's brother had been abusing his kids but the black propaganda campaign being waged by Terry then DC Suzie resulted in Ben being shoved in a cell - although De Costa was starting to have her doubts. Meanwhile, a woman and her mob were protesting at St Hugh's because some embryos were to be destroyed because her ex-husband had decided not to breed with her. Reg found out that a prisoner taken to the hospital was wanted and Meadows was the officer on the case. Then the bloke's sons turned up to free him and Honey ended up being held at gunpoint!
A stroppy doctor survived being stabbed with a syringe of thiopentone at the start of Taggart ["Puppet on a String", 21:00, Granada]. Dr. Mellor had got Dr. Finn sacked because a patient had died in a drug trial but Finn had an alibi. Dr. Mellor's assistant claimed she was being stalked, also by Dr. Finn. A journalist, Niven, received an ear through the post. Dr. Mellor's ex-wife was in touch with a hit-man and Jackie found Mellor dead; Finn had another alibi.
   Jackie entrapped the hit-man, who turned out to be a con-man, who was taking a deposit from his clients without intending to do the job. Dr. Mellor's assistant was killed next. Stuart found that the ear had come from a mortuary where Tyler (Finn's former assistant) worked. Niven had a supply of thiopentone and syringes at his home. Tyler turned up dead at Finn's place with his hair dyed like Finn's. And then things started to unravel.
   Dr. Finn had kidnapped Niven's boyfriend to make him do the killings, and he'd sent Niven a finger then an ear from corpses, then his boyfriend's kidney. Tyler had been supplying corpses for him to cut bits off. Finn felt justified in taking out Mellor and the others who'd got him sacked. Niven had done all the murders. No one could prove that Tyler had not committed suicide. And DCI Burke had to admit that all he could get Finn for was removing a kidney from the boyfriend. Phew!

[Friday, 07th] WWE SmackDown! opened with Latino Creep versus Rey Mysterio again. Each took his turn to be in charge until, surprise! The ref was felled. The Creep's usual antics with a belt flopped again and Mysterio rolled him up for a pin. 20 minutes gone. Funaki versus Akio had Carlito wandering into the ring to try to get the ref to sign a petition to get rid of Teddy Long. Funaki got the job done almost incidentally. Heyman & Heidenreich messed about with Teddy Long backstage, and Amy was making up to Kurt Angle, who zapped the latest Home Town Hero in 26 seconds.
   Kenzo, dressed as Uncle Sam, did some rapping with Pond Life Cena and Hiroko got into a scrap with Torrie. RVD versus Doug Basham was always going to be a swindle and sure enough, the dim ref didn't notice the Bashams had done a switch. Kurt Angle made an idiot of himself in Joy's shower room, thinking Amy was there. And it all turned out to be Bradshaw's plan.
   Big Show chased Kurt into the ring and zapped Luther & Jindrak as well. Finally, Heyman & Heidenreich versus Undertaker was mainly two big men on equal terms for once. It all went horribly wrong when minions brought 2 coffins down to ringside. Heidenreich tagged Paul Heyman in and legged it through the crowd. So his manager took a Tombstone and ended up in one of the coffins.

[Saturday, 08th] NFL Wildcard Weekend [21:30, Sky Sports Xtra] began with the Rams in Seattle on a nice day. In their opening drive, Holt took a pass 52 yards to the Seattle 11, Okeafor sacked Bulger but he went on to fire a 15 yard TD pass to Holt in the end zone, which survived a challenge. 7-0 and the Rams had already burned 2 time-outs. Hasselbeck's first play hit his receiver's hands and bounced to T. Fisher; but Hamlin intercepted Bulger 2 plays later. After an exchange of punts, Brown kicked a 47 yard FG to get the Seahawks going. 7-3.
   In the 2nd quarter, a 51 yard pass to Curtis got the Rams to the Seattle 5 and a 2 yard TD run by Faulk extended their lead to 14-3. A solid Seahawks' drive included an interception of Hasselbeck being called back for a face mask penalty against the Rams and ended with a 19 yard TD pass to Engram. 14-10. And that was the scoring for the first half.
   The Seahawks began the 3rd quarter with another solid drive and a 30 yard FG from Brown put them within a point. 14-13. Curtis took a pass 32 yards, a sack for Brown, another for Okeafor at the Seattle 20 and Wilkins kicked a FG. 17-13. Alexander took the Seahawks to midfield and in the 4th quarter, a 23 yard TD pass to Jackson gave the Seahawks the lead. 17-20.
   The Rams were helped by penalties on the Seahawks and a bad call by the officials and levelled the scores with a 27 yard FG. 20-20. McDonald took a 31 yard pass in the next Rams' drive and a defence splitting TD pass to Cleland put them in the lead. 27-20, 2:11 left. The Seahawks made the Rams' 10, a sack by Kennedy pushed them back to the 17, and on 4th and 4 at the 5 and 27 seconds left, Hasselbeck's pass was dropped in the end zone. The End.
   The Rams won both regular season matches against the Seahawks, who won the division. They did enough to keep this match under control and they were always the more likely winners. The Rams continue to unload their time outs as quickly as possible in each half; a habit which has to come back and bite them.
The next match was the Jets in San Diego, where it was chucking it down with rain. The Jets started passing, Jordan made a 16 yard rush and Brien missed a 33 yard FG. And then the punters got a bit of work. The Chargers drove into the 2nd quarter and a 26 yard pass to McCardell in the end zone was ruled incomplete. But he got his TD after a challenge. 0-7.
    The Jets were stopped by a sack by Foley, and a sack by Vilma sent the Chargers 3 and out. The punt went to midfield and the Chargers' head coach collected a penalty after walking out on the field when he thought his punter had been run into. 37 yards for the Jets to go and Becht took a pass the last 13 of them for a TD. 7-7. After the 2 minute warning, Brees was intercepted by Tongue in Jets' territory. A pick by the Chargers was ruled an incomplete pass after review but the Jets had to punt. Then we had a spot of drama when the kick was downed at the San Diego 2 by a Jet who'd run out of bounds.
   The 3rd quarter opening drive by the Bolts blew up on holding. Moss collected a 47 yard TD pass to give the Jets a lead of 14-7. Facing 4th & inches at the San Diego 31, Brees made the Jets jump offside but the Chargers had to punt. The Jets' next drive ended with a 42 yard FG from Brien bouncing through off the right upright. 17-7.
   In the 4th quarter, the Chargers couldn't get into the end zone even though the Jets had only 10 men on the field for 2 consecutive plays! So Kaeding kicked a 35 yard FG. 17-10. The Jets failed to make a 3rd down but the Chargers had 12 men on the field, which kept the drive alive. They punted with 4:46 left rather than try a 52 yard FG. Brees was sacked on the first Chargers' play but passes of 19 then 44 yards to Gates put the Bolts at the Jets' 21.
   Inside the last 2 minutes, Brees scrambled to the Jets' 1 to bring up a 4th & goal. Under pursuit, Brees tossed an incomplete pass into the end zone. The Jets had the match won right then, but a stupid roughing the passer (blow to the head) penalty against the linebacker Barton gave the Chargers another chance. A TD pass to Gates levelled the scores at 17 and we were heading for overtime.
   The Chargers won the toss and went 3 and out. So did the Jets after a 2nd down sack by Foley in the rain. The Chargers reached the Jets' 25, messed about and brought the rookie Kaeding on to try a 40 yard FG on 4th down rather than 3rd. His kick went wide right. A 19 yard pass from Pennington to Moss survived a review and Jordan took them to the San Diego 15. Brien got a free rehearsal of his field goal when the Chargers called a time out. But his next kick was also good. 20-17 Jets.
   Either team could have won this one and the Jets made the more strenuous attempts to throw it away. Kaeding is left thinking about how he could have become a hero and Barton of the Jets must be feeling that he's dodged the sack for terminal stupidity.

[Sunday, 09th] Stargate SG1 ["Death Knell", 16:05, Channel 4] opened with a Goa'uld attack on the Alpha Site, where Sam and her dad were developing a new weapon. Jacob Carter and a new weapon turned up. Sam, with a power pack for the weapon, was missing and pursued by a super soldier. The Tok'ra and the Jaffa were falling out and in the end, the alliance dropped to bits. But O'Neill and Teal'c were able to catch up with Major Carter and use her power pack to zap the super soldier.
The Time Team [17:00, Channel 4] was in Nether Poppleton near York to find out the age of the place. Lots to test pits all over the place turned up evidence of Saxons in some places and Normans in others. Stuart found the remains of a previously unknown, Tudor mansion with extensive gardens. And there was probably the monastic site near the church that Mick wanted.
NFL Sunday [18:00, Sky Sports Xtra] began with the Broncos in Indianapolis. The Colts started with passing, mainly to Wayne, and scored with a 2 yard TD pass to Mungro. 0-7. 3 and out for the Broncos. Clark took a pass 24 yards, Hayward sacked Manning, Clark reached the Denver 5 through big holes and James rushed into the end zone from the 1 after a pass interference penalty on Denver. 0-14.
   Doss intercepted Plummer in the 2nd quarter, Wayne took a pass 49 yards to the Denver 9 but Herndon intercepted Manning in the end zone. A 21 yard pass play to Lelie was challenged by the Colts and ruled incompete, so the Broncos punted. The Colts extended their lead with a 20 yard TD pass to Clark. 0-21. Plummer found Rod Smith with a 31 yard pass and Elam got the Broncos on the scoreboard with a 32 yard FG. 3-21. Denver tried an on-side kick, went offside, but the Colts had recovered the ball. Wayne broke through tackles for a 35 yard TD. 3-28. A sack by Brock forced a Denver punt. And after the 2 minute warning, Manning hit Harrison with a 24 yard pass, Wayne with a 20 yarder to the Denver 1 and went in himself for the TD. 3-35.
   Denver's opening drive of the 3rd quarter included a big rush by Bell on a 4th and 1 to the Indy 30 and ended with a 9 yard TD pass to Smith. 10-35. The Colts punted and Denver got closer with a 35 yard TD pass to a wide open Putzier. 17-35. The Colts came right back with a screen pass to Wayne against a blitz. He covered 43 yards to the end zone. 17-42.
   Droughns lost the ball when he hit the ground, the Colts picked it up and dashed to the Denver end zone and the officials gave them a TD. Which didn't survive a challenge. Denver false started on a 4th & 1 at the Indy 13. Putzier made it to the 1 and Bell rushed in for a TD. 24-42. Clark took a pass 22 yards to the Denver 17, James rushed to the 9 and a 2 yard TD pass to Rhodes made the final score 24-49. A sack by Triplett inside the last 2 minutes put the tin lid on things.
   Okay, Denver beat the Colts last week but they were back to full strength this week and the result was never in any doubt.
Next up was the struggling Vikings at Green Bay (27 deg.F, wind chill 19 deg.F) where the Packers were seriously depleted by injuries. The Vikings scored easily with a 68 yard pass play to Moe Williams on a 3rd & 2. 7-0. A 3rd down sack by Claiborne made the Packers punt. The Vikings reached the GB 20 quickly and a TD pass to Moss made the score 14-0. Winfield intercepted Favre, Culpepper scrambled to the GB 25 and Andersen kicked a 35 yard FG. 17-0. Green recovered his own fumble. The Pack recovered a dropped interception, which would have given them a 1st down, but it was ruled an incomplete pass and Longwell had to kick a 43 yard FG. 17-3. A 3rd down sack by Hawthorn, the Vikings punted.
   In the 2nd quarter, the Packers reached the Vikings' 3. The ball was knocked loose from Davenport but it flew straight to Franks! And he collected a 4 yard TD pass on the next play. 17-10. Burleson took a pass 28 yards after Hawthorn missed a tackle. Another big rush by Culpepper to the GB 9. The Vikings tried a 27 yard FG after a false start but Andersen slipped as he tried to kick the ball, so the Packers took over on downs - for one play as Favre was intercepted by Russell right away as Walker ran the wrong route. A 19 yard TD pass to Burleson extended the Vikings' lead to 24-10. Franks took a pass 29 yards, the Packers got to the Vikings 9 then, while scrambling, Favre tossed a pass into the end zone from well beyond the line of scrimmage, and Longwell missed a 28 yard FG try. The punters got some exercise. Peterson stopped the Vikings with a sack but Favre tossed his first play straight to B. Williams. Culpepper was buried by the Packers and the Vikings punted. Davenport recovered his own fumble, Green got to the Vikings' 1 and in the 4th quarter, Davenport went in for a TD. 24-17.
   Another scoring drive, another pass of 30+ yards from Culpepper found Moss, who had a bad ankle but who got a ton of room from Harris, and the Vikings were 31-17 up. Next time they had the ball, the Vikings started running out the clock. They made a 4th & inches and the Packers had just 23 seconds left at the end.
   The Packers' useless defence started playing in the 2nd half but they continued not tackling and giving receivers too much room. And with the best receivers out all together or injured, Favre throwing one way and the receivers going another, and the running backs banged up, this Packers team was going nowhere. The Vikings have similar problems and they're probably going to come to a full stop next week.

[Monday, 10th] Sci-Fi has resumed showing new episodes of The Pretender [19:00] and we picked up the story with episode 51, "Homefront". Jarod nicked $60M from the Centre and became an arms dealer, demonstrating a missile on Lyle's car. His client for SAM missiles was Desmond, who lived in Venezuela, and his real client was Wendy, Desmond's wife. Desmond had 2 kids and he'd told them their mother is dead, as Sydney had told Jarod (falsely) that his parents had been killed. Broots tracked the missing money. Jarod got the kids' nanny to help out, he got Desmond's men to detain Miss Parker & Lyle, and he sabotaged the truck carrying the missiles. Wendy got the kids and a big bundle of cash. Desmond got busted.
On Battlestar Galactica [20:00, Sky One], the President created a new Forum of 12 and Zarek, the resident terrorist, got himself nominated for the vacant post of vice-president. Starbuck & Apollo were involved in the security operation and there was an assassin floating around. Back on Caprica, Helo deduced the existence of replicated human, which the cylons had created as infiltrators, not realizing that's what his Boomer is. The President put up her own candidate. The assassin was captured and killed in custody. The President dumped her man in favour of Balthar, who was duly elected. Zarek said he didn't kill the assassin but the XO's dodgy wife had become his ally. And on Caprica, Helo saw 2 Type Six humanoid cylons and his Booker killed another Boomer!
The WWE was in Puerto Rico for New Year's Revolution [21:00, Sky Sports 3]. Christian & Tonker versus Regal & Eugene was full of cheating and came to a quick end after Eugene injured his knee as he had to get the winning fall. Lita versus Trash was a waste of time as Lita hurt her knee quite quickly. Bischoff refused to go along with Edge's plan to put Christian into the Elimination Chamber instead of him, and then the HBK wound Edge up a bit.
   Benjamin versus Maven was 'entertainment' rather than 'sports'; and also neither. Hassan did a rant before his slow motion match with Jerry 'The Idiot' Lawler, which soon had the crowd yelling, "Boring!" Snitsky & Kane battled on for ages, doing lots of bashing before Kane got his inevitable win. Fun with the divas at the swimming pool. Finally, the Elimination Chamber match began with Benoit & Jericho.
   Triple Tedious joined them after 5 minutes, then Edge, Orton and Batista. Edge speared the ref, the Has Been Kid, so he got a big boot in the mush and was pinned. The in-cage cameraman was zapped next. Benoit, Jericho then Batista went out, everyone shedding appropriate amounts of blood. And an unconvincing 'win' for Triple Tedious had the audience yelling, "Fix!".
   A very thin, badly scripted show, WWE, and this was a pay-per-view we certainly wouldn't have paid any more to see over the regular Sky Sports subscription.

[Tuesday, 11th] Sydney's son and some other teachers are kidnapped by an Appalachian militia so Jarod the Pretender [19:00, Sci-Fi] and the ATF go after them. The bad guys want $1M as reparations and they do a mock shooting of Nicholas off-camera on a satellite TV broadcast. Miss Parker says she'll pay the ransom out of Centre funds, Sydney goes after the bad guys and Miss P joins in. The militiamen turn up dead; because Lyle has kidnapped the prisoners to trap Jarod. Sydney knocks Jarod out and goes on ahead to free Nicholas but Jarod frees everyone and gives Lyle the mock-execution treatment.
On Stargate SG1 ["Full Alert", 20:00, Sky One], Senator Kinsey offers to give up the Trust to General O'Neill because they're trying to turn the Russians against the US. He goes to a meeting bugged but the Trust turn him into a Goa'uld, beam out to the alkash left behind by Anubis then send him to Russia. Daniel tries to talk to the Russians while the world goes to Def Con 3 then 2 then 1. The Russians are sure the American leadership has been compromised and their defence minister starts organizing a first strike. Only he's a Goa'uld, too! Col. Carter works out that Kinsey is a decoy and O'Neill persuades the Russian president to take out his defence minister. Meanwhile, Daniel beams Kinsey to Prometheus, he escapes to the alkash and Prometheus blasts it (but Kinsey probably got away).
Two of the crew of Stargate Atlantis ["Hot Zone", 20:00, Sky One] die while McKay is checking the city for structural damage after the storm. McKay thinks it might be the plague that killed the Ancients. Dr. Weir wants everyone to stay where they are. McKay finds some storm-smashed virus containers in a laboratory. Another woman goes wild and croaks. Sheppard pulls rank on one of his men to get himself released from a gym despite Dr. Weir's objections. One of McKay's party forces his way to the mess hall, contaminates everyone there and the main computer locks down the city. McKay deduces that a nanovirus built to kill humans has been released and he tells Sheppard to trigger an electromagnetic pulse to kill the virus. The first try doesn't work but Sheppard overloads a naquita generator in the atmosphere. McKay and the doctor conclude that neither the Ancients nor the Wraith created the virus. And Dr. Weir isn't happy about Sheppard over-ruling her when he thinks the military situation warrants it.

[Wednesday, 12th] Jarod the Pretender [19:00, Sci-Fi] becomes a college professor to hunt for a missing criminology professor, who's supposed to have run off with his mistress. Meanwhile, Miss Parker's daddy is seeing his doctor and changing his will. The professor's body turns up. Miss P is shocked to learn that daddy is getting engaged and taking Viagra! A pushy woman called Claire in his class is Jarod's prime suspect and he remembers screwing up the Centre's security system as a boy when he got bored. Jarod tells his class the police reckon the professor was murdered, Claire tries to shop Matthew, one of her accomplices, but Jarod intercepts the evidence. Then he tells Claire and her other accomplice, Grady, that Matthew has committed suicide before giving them mock executions. Miss P is appalled to learn that daddy is marrying Brigitte, who now has black instead of blonde hair. And Jarod has a good gloat about that!
On the Bill [20:00, Granada], the O'Briens were still running round with guns, the protesters were still running round the hospital and Terry was rampaging after his brother. Steve Hunter grabbed the gunman menacing Honey. Meadows and Manson were chained up in the basement for the whole episode. Terry's brother was remanded in custory. Pushy Jo was the negotiator and she met her match in Ant O'Brien's pushy girlfriend. Ant started raving while his dad was croaking in the background, and a doctor told the police that dad would croak without surgery. So PC Valentine had to shoot Ant to get armed police to storm the room. And Abi Nixon is in the club, too.
Virus (1999) [22:00, Sci-Fi] begins with a UFO colliding with the Mir space station and energy beings beaming down to a Russian science ship. 7 days later, a tug captain loses his uninsured tow in Hurricane Leilah but he comes across the deserted Russian ship in the eye of the storm. But when he tried to salvage it, the ship's computer drops an anchor on his tug and sinks it. Then a Russian survivor shoots up the sickbay. She says something homicidal from space killed the crew. And there's an alien intelligence in the computer creating Replicator-type robots and creating Borg-type cyborgs out of humans. So the humans decide they have to blow up the ship, which has missiles and all sorts aboard.

[Thursday, 13th] Mr. Lee, a sinister blind Chinaman, was hunting Jarod the Pretender [19:00, Sci-Fi] via people he'd helped, so cue a lot of recapping from the blind photographer (#11), the doctor from the Halloween episode (#23), the info on Jarod's mother being destroyed (#6) and the Elvis impersonator (#4). Broots discovered that Mr. Lee had phoned Miss Parker's daddy. Lee's lady helper slugged Lyle and kidnapped him for interrogation. So a recap of Kyle's death and the kid who got the heart transplant (#41). Broots then found Lee was in touch with Brigitte at daddy's office so Miss Parker & Co. crashed the Jarod capture party and Jarod split in the Centre's helicopter with Lee's assistant, whose nephew he'd helped.
Two new faces on The Bill [20:00, Granada]: Laura and Bill, who are community support officers. DS Nixon found out Abi is marrying Hugh, the profiler. Honey became family liaison officer for a bloke whose wife, Karen, was missing. Gabriel dropped Laura in it because she'd objected to his violence in a previous episode. Laura talked a security guard into making a complaint about the thuggish son of a lawyer, who was effectively the security guard's boss. And Nixon found Abi full of sleeping pills after breaking into Hugh's house, so she kidnapped Abi.
A body in a taxi obstructed a funeral at the start of Taggart ["The Wages of Sin", 21:00, Granada]. The funeral was for Julia, the daughter of a jeweller, who'd died of an OD. The taxi firm was owned by McGregor, a known criminal, and his solicitor, Harkins, had worked with Julia and he was thrown out of the wake. The dead taxi driver was ferrying diamonds and Burke decided that the jeweller (who turned up dead next) was turning drug money into diamonds for McGregor. Harkins, the coke-head solicitor, was having an affair with Julia, who had been getting drugs from the dead taxi driver. Inspector Robbie tried to set up McGregor but all he collected was packets of weedkiller and he was dumped naked at a turkey ranch. So Burke dumped the weedkiller in McGregor's swimming pool. Harkins was shot next. Then the whole thing unravelled. Julia's brother Mark, who thought the world revolved around him, found out that Uncle Billy was really Julia's dad and Uncle Billy was the killer. So Mark blasted Uncle Bill (but not fatally).
WWE Raw [23:00, Sky Sports 3] began with a whinge from Triple Tedious then Orton upset Batista with some home truths. Benjamin versus Maven lasted a bit longer this time but the result was the same. The Hurricane had to lie down for the loudmouth Ay-rab Hassan. Edge versus Rhyno was quite violent for a time before Rhyno had to lie down for the wild-eyed fanatic. Then the Has Been Kid told Edge to grow up and got into a running brawl with him. A rant from Slimy Simon then Kane stalked out to beat him up a bit, only to be beaten up in his turn by Snitsky. Jericho & Benoit versus Christian & Tonker went on for a long time before the banged-up Canadians put simultaneous submission holds on their opponents. Maria & Christy had a pillow fight also involving the lady ref and the ring announcer. Finally, Orton versus Batista was another long battle which ended with Triple Tedious bringing about Batista's downfall. So another Blair/Brown relationship in the making there.

[Friday, 14th] Kurt Angle apologized to Joy at the start of WWE SmackDown! [21:30, Sky Sports 3], and Big Show threatened to beat up Bradshaw if he didn't do the same. Mysterio & RVD versus Latino Creep & Booker versus Jindrak & Luther versus the Bashams had Mysterio and the Creep ganging up on Jindrak to get his team eliminated, Mysterio pinning the Creep for the 3rd week in succession and a routine swindle to hand the tag team belts to the Bashams as RVD is injured. Boring!
   Backstage messing about. Kurt Angle crunched another Home Town Hero. A tedious rant from Cena then a 'match' with Kenzo which was a complete waste of time. Recaps. Amy versus Joy didn't happen. Cue a big search for the missing Joy with Bradshaw & Co. the prime suspects. Funaki versus Nunzio was full of action and a DDT off the post meant that Funaki remained champ.
   Mucho messing about then Bradshaw's 'Man of the Year' ceremony was crashed by Kurt Angle. And shock, horror! He found Joy tied up in the boot of Bradshaw's limo! So Big Show zapped the hangers on and chased Bradshaw out of the arena. And backstage, exit Kurt Angle and his gang, laughing.

[Saturday, 15th] The Avengers (1998) [19:25, Channel 5] is a really silly film, as demonstrated by Sean Canary and the members of B.R.O.L.L.Y. dressing up in teddy bear suits of various bright hues. Mrs. Peel had a homicidal double and male 'Mother' was bossed about blind and female 'Father', who was in league with the bad guy. The giant wasps with built-in machine guns were a novel touch; and so was having the Invisible Man in charge of the archives. Our hero looked more like a young Mr. Rigsby than John Steed, but he did manage to thward Mr. Canary's plans to screw up the nation's weather.
NFL Special [21:30, Sky Sports Xtra] opened with the Jets in Pittsburgh. The Jets started and blew up after holding. 3 and out for the Steelers. Haggan sacked Pennington, another Jets' punt. Then the Steelers got their ground game going and their drive produced a 45 yard FG by Reed. 0-3. An interception by Palamalu put the Steelers at the Jets' 25 and a 3 yard TD run by Bettis gave them a 0-10 lead.
   The 2nd quarter began with the Jets at the Steelers' 17. Sacks by Hoke then A. Smith drove them back and Brien kicked a 42 yard FG. 3-10. The Jets began their next drive at their 10. McCareins took a pass 30 yards but they had to punt in Steeler territory. The Steelers also had to punt but the kick was returned 75 yards by Moss for a TD! 10-10. The head linesman went out injured with what looked like a hamstring during the play. And that was the scoring for the first half.
   The Steelers fumbled the 3rd quarter kickoff out of bounds and punted after a double sack by Ferguson & Robertson. Buress caught his first pass (17 yards) on the next Steelers' drive then Tongue intercepted Roethlisberger and ran 86 yards for a TD. 17-10.
   The Steelers began the 4th quarter at the Jets' 30 but Ellis stripped the ball from Bettis and the Jets recovered the fumble; only to go 3 and out. Roethlisberger rushed for 20 yards, the Steelers pounded the Jets on the ground and a 4-yard shovel pass to Ward levelled the scores at 17. The Jets tried to go ahead with a 47 yard FG try but the ball hit the crossbar. After the 2 minute warning, Roethlisberger's first play was picked by Barrett. But Brien missed a 43 yard FG try and we were headed for overtime.
   The Jets started but had to punt after holding. The Steelers revived their ground game and left Reed with the job of kicking a 32 yard FG. 17-20.
   The Steelers' offense more or less took the day off. Luckily for them, the Jets' offense did the same; but they had a defence & special teams who were capable of scoring touchdowns. The Steelers won, just, and this definitely wasn't what you'd expect from a 15-1 team.
Next up was the Rams in Atlanta. Vick rushed 47 yards to the Rams' 21 during the opening drive and an 18 yard TD pass to Crumpler had the home team 0-7 up after 3 minutes. The Rams started with Faulk then Bulger and Curtis made a 57 yard pass play for a TD. 7-7 after 6 minutes. Two minutes later, Dunn hit the Rams' end zone after charging 62 yards through poor tackling. 7-14. The Rams punted after a sack by T. Hall. Dunn rushed 20 yards.
   In the 2nd quarter, the Falcons made a 4th & inches, advanced to the Rams' 19 and Dunn walked into the end zone. 7-21. Jackson made progress on the ground for the Rams then Bulger hit Holt with a 28 yard TD pass in the end zone. 14-21. Duckett pounded out yards on the ground but Vick fell down while scrambling and lost the ball. The Rams had to punt away their turnover inside the last 2 minutes and Rossum returned the kick 75 yards for a TD! 14-28. 58 seconds left, which was time enough for Wilkins to kick a 55 yard FG and Bulger to be crunched. 17-28.
   Two Rams collided, screwing up the 3rd quarter kick off return. They went 3 and out, and Rossum returned the kick 39 yards to the Rams' 32. A 6 yard TD pass to Price survived a Rams' challenge; the receiver had control and both feet down. 17-35. The Rams punted after a 3rd down sack by Coleman. Rossum returned the kick 44 yards to the Rams' 13. A sack by Little drove the Falcons back but Feely kicked a 38 yard FG. 17-38. Bulger overthrew Curtis and was intercepted by Webster; but the Falcons went 3 and out.
   The Rams started the 4th quarter at the Atlanta 17. Bulger fumbled when sacked but the Falcons had to punt; to the Rams' 5. Which let B. Smith sack Bulger in the end zone for a safety. 17-40. Dunn reached the Rams' end zone again but the play was called back for holding. A 19 yard run by Vick put the Falcons over 300 yards' rushing. They made a 4th & 1 at the Rams' 12 and a 4 yard TD run by Duckett made the score 17-47 with less than 2 minutes to go.
   The match was expected to be a shoot-out and the Falcons did most of the shooting. Rossum did a great job of the kick returns and the Falcons' offense was on great form.

[Sunday, 16th] There was a film unit at the SGC and it wasn't getting much co-operation from the Stargate SG1 team ["Heroes", part 1, 16:05, Channel 4]. Meanwhile, SG13 found the ruins of an Ancients' city and they had to zap a Goa'uld flying robot. Senator Kinsey was trying to ingratiate himself with the film unit and Colonel O'Neill as there's a presidential election up-coming. The Goa'uld robot reported a contact and Jaffa attacked the team at the city. So O'Neill led a rescue mission. To be continued . . .
The Time Team [17:00, Channel 4] was in a coastal marsh near Preston, where 2 USAF A26 Invader bombers crashed on 29th November, 1944. The cause of the crash was unknown so the task was to expose enough of the wreckage to allow an air-accident investigation 60 years on. A propellor showed damage indicative of a mid-air collision and the other aircraft had part of the underside missing at the tail. The A26 was notorious for its poor visibility from the cockpit and attempting to fly in formation in cloudy weather could be suicidal. The conclusion was that one aircraft struck the other from below, chopping it in half. The first aircraft crashed on fire.
NFL Sunday started with the Vikings in Philadelphia, where the temperature was 32 deg.F. The Vikings started and the punters got a lot of work initially. A 14 yard run by Westbrook got him the first 1st down of the match, McNabb passed to him, and the Eagles' drive ended with a 2 yard TD pass to Mitchell. 0-7. The Vikings punted in Eagle's territory. McNabb was sacked by 55 but Lewis took a pass 53 yards to the Vikings' 21 and the drive ended in the 2nd quarter with a 7 yard TD pass to Westbrook. 0-14.
   A 38 yard kick off return and a 40 yard pass to Robinson got the Vikings into scoring range and Culpepper hit the end zone himself from 7 yards out. 7-14. Reed took a pass 48 yards, the Vikings gave up back to back 1st downs for pass interference, the Eagles reached the 14 then McNabb tossed a pass to Smith, who fumbled forward when he was hit and the ball flew straight to Mitchell in the end zone for a TD! 7-21. The Vikings drove to the Eagles' 20, made a 4th & inches but the Eagles stopped them at the 3. Instead of a 21 yard FG, they planned a pass from the holder, the backup QB, to Moss; but Moss didn't know about it, he was on the sidelines and the whole thing flopped.
   During the next Eagles' drive, Parry fell down and fumbled, and Claiborne picked the ball up. The Eagles issued a challenge and the referee ruled that Claiborne had stepped out of bounds and he hadn't re-established himself by planting both feet on the field of play before he recovered the fumble. The Eagles got the ball back at their 41 but they failed to score again in the first half.
   The Eagles went 3 and out to start the 3rd quarter. Kearse & Wayne scored a joint sack but Moss made a 1st down. The Eagles failed to get a fumble recovery when the officials made a wrong call, but Reese batted a subsequent pass into the air and caught the ball. But the Eagles had to punt. The Vikings made a 3rd & 22 after a sack by Trotter but Trotter returned an interception to the Vikings' 36.
   Mitchell took a pass almost into the end zone, he was awarded a TD, the Vikings challenged and the referee ruled that he fumbled at the last minute and the ball hit the pylon for a touch-back. Burleson took a pass 28 yards through terrible tackling. Culpepper was sacked by Dawkins at the Eagles' 31, the Vikings couldn't make a 4th & 22 and the Eagles took over on downs.
   A 46 yard pass interference penalty on Brown in the 4th quarter put the Eagles at the Vikings' 8 and a 21 yard FG by Akers gave them a 7-24 lead. Another Akers FG increased the lead to 20 points. 7-27. The Vikings made a 4th & 3 then a 4th & 10, and Robinson caught a 32 yard pass at the back of the end zone on a free play. The Eagles challenged but Robinson was ruled to have had both feet down with possession before he stepped on the back line. 14-27. The Eagles recovered an on-side kick attempt after the 2 minute warning and that was it.
   The Vikings were always playing catch-up and while they kept things close initially, the Eagles played terrific defence and they were always in charge.
Next up was the Colts in New England, where light snow was falling. The Colts went 3 and out on the opening drive and a lot of work for the punters followed. Finally, the Patriots got their ground game going. A sack by Reagor slowed them down but they faced a 4th & goal at the 1 at the start of the 2nd quarter. After a false start, Vinatieri kicked a 24 yard FG. 0-3. Manning lost the ball on his first play, Saturday recovered it but the Colts couldn't gain 22 yards. Dillon charged 42 yards to the Colts' 19 and a 30 yard FG gave the Patriots a 0-6 lead. Bruschi got the ball back for the Pats by ripping it away from Rhodes. The Pats punted after a sack by Freeney and the Colts went hurry-up in the last 2 minutes. As the snow got heavier, the Colts tried a direct snap to a receiver while Manning headed for the sideline but as he'd been 'under' the centre, he was penalized for illegal motion and Vanderjagt had to kick a 23 yard FG. 3-6.
   After an exchange of punts to start the 3rd quarter, the Pats got moving on a long drive which ended with Brady finding Givens with a 5 yard TD pass. 3-13. The Colts punted again in the 4th quarter. Starting from their 6, the Patriots drove down the field and Brady went into the end zone from the 1 on a QB sneak. 3-20 after a drive lasting 7:24. A fumble by Wayne and a recovery by Bruschi gave the ball back to the Pats and a challenge by the Colts failed. A sack by Triplett stopped New England with 3 minutes left. The Colts tried to score again but a pick of a pass to Marvin Harrison by Rodney Harrison with 4 seconds left finished them off.
   The Colts didn't have any offense thanks to a solid job by the Patriots' defence, and the Patriots' offense was able to get into the end zone.

[Monday, 17th] Jarod the Pretender [19:00, Sci-Fi] discovered poker and helped a woman, Rachel, who was being harassed, but she wasn't glad to be rescued. At the Centre, Brigitte was flaunting the wedding to Miss Parker's daddy. Rachel's kids had been kidnapped by Renfrow, a rogue CIA agent and Rachel's former boss, who'd faked his own death. Meanwhile, Miss Parker was being pursued by Thomas Gates, an ex-smoker, so she got Broots to check the guy out; to Brigitte's amusement. Rachel had to assassinate a US senator to get her family back. Jarod talked her out of it, bluffed Renfrow into handing over the kids and turned him in to the FBI. Then he phoned Miss Parker to tell her not to let the Center take away her happiness and the new bloke in her life.
On Battlestar Galactica [20:00, Sky One], Adama beat his son at boxing, Helo shot his Boomer on Caprica (but not dead), Balthar screwed Starbuck and upset his phantom cylon and the Boomer on Galactica was thinking about suicide to stop something bad happening. The President has 6 months to live, her fortune teller thinks she'll lead the fleet to Earth and the ancient myths and prophecies seem to be coming true. Vice-Pres Balthar made a fool of himself talking to the President and his phantom cyclon, who told him it's not safe to stay on Galactica. Boomer's survey craft found an Earth-like planet – Kobol, birthplace of mankind. A survey mission, which included Balthar, was ambushed by Cylons. Boomer shot herself but not dead. And at the end, Starbuck headed for Caprica in the captured cylon fighter to retrieve the Arrow of Apollo after learning that Adama had no idea where to look for Earth.
Proof Positive [21:00, Sky One] is hosted by Amanda Tapping, otherwise Col. Carter of Stargate SG1, and investigates the paranormal. Case #1 was a poltergeist called Danny associated with a haunted, 100 year old bed. Case #2 was a husband who says he can contact the dead and his wife, who draws dead people she's never met. Case #3 was the 8-foot tall Lizard Man of a South Carolina swamp. Case #1 was pronounced 'Proof Negative'; Jason, the son, wrote Danny's notes. Case #2 was 'Proof Positive' and an expert said the local sheriff had taken a plaster cast of a fake footprint, not a lizard man's.
Memoirs of an Invisible Man (1992) [22:00, Sci-Fi] is a tragic tale of Nick, a broker in San Francisco, who goes to a boring meeting with a hangover after meeting a blonde lady, falls asleep and ends up invisible after secret government equipment blows up. A rogue CIA agent tries to capture him so Nick goes into hiding at a friend's holiday home and the blonde lady turns up! The CIA crashes the party, Nick gets away, the CIA agent catches up with him again and Nick tricks him into taking a high dive off a building under construction. Then Nick heads for Switzerland with his blonde lady as he can wear a ski mask all day there and conceal his invisibility.

[Tuesday, 18th] Heading for the bottom of the sea off Atlantic City, Jarod the Pretender [19:00, Sci-Fi] remembers being lured there 2 days earlier by Argyle (episode #36), who owes $5K to the top loan shark, Fattas. He wants to take his dying dad to Rome to see the Pope. Only dad isn't dying, Fattas ripped off a delivery of cash to the number 2 loan shark, The Cuban (who has a terrible Irish accent), and Fattas wants to set up Argyle to take the blame. Jarod has to pretend to be Argyle's friend to help him and he films Fattas chucking him, chained, into the sea. Of course, Jarod escapes, he turns Fattas & the Cuban over to the cops and dad gets to meet the Pope. Meanwhile, Miss Parker, Sydney & Broots end up stuck in the Centre jet, circling in a storm, thinking about Thomas, who has found Catherine Parker's studio walled up in Miss Parker's home. She tells Thomas to rebuild the wall but he puts a door in it. And Miss Parker tells him she can't go into the room alone.
Stargate SG1 offered another episode in which the series poked fun at itself ["Citizen Joe", 20:00, Sky One]. Joe Spencer, a barber from Indiana, confronts Gen. O'Neill with claims that he has been seeing visions of SG-1's missions for 7 years and they've ruined his life. His obsession with SG1 has cost him his business, his marriage and his home. He has tried writing out the stories, no one wants to hear them any more and he has received 326 rejections from publishers. Joe has the same Ancient gene as O'Neill and O'Neill calmly announces he has been seeing flashes of Joe's life for 7 years but he didn't bother to mention them. Joe bought an Egyptian artefact in a garage sale just before the visions started. Daniel has a matching one and he decides the pair form a communication device. And in the end, Joe gets to introduce his wife to O'Neill to prove he isn't nuts.
An energy weapon zapped Wraith ships as they were about to destroy a jumper full of Stargate Atlantis personnel ["Sanctuary", 21:00, Sky One]. Sheppard & Co. landed on a planet called Proculus hoping to find a Zero Point Module. Instead, they found a pre-technology culture with a deity called Athara and a priestess called Chaiya. The Wraith have never attacked Proculus but Athara refused to offer sanctuary to refugees from other worlds. Sheppard took Chaiya to Atlantis, McKay was sceptical about the whole religion thing, he scanned Chaiya and found her totally disease-free and too perfect; and he was proved right. Chaiya, who fancied Sheppard, was one of the Ascended but she broke their code of non-interference by defending her world against the Wraith. The other Ascended will stop her doing so if outsiders take refuge on Proculus. As Chaiya is the source of the 'energy weapon', there is nothing on Proculus for the Atlantis crew but Sheppard offered to visit the lonely Chaiya.

[Wednesday, 19th] Jarod the Pretender [19:00, Sci-Fi], in New Orleans, stopped Billie from shooting Fontenot, the pool shark who killed her adoptive father. So Jarod learned how to play pool to hustle the hustler. At the Centre, Daddy wanted to hold a party at Miss Parker's place and meet Thomas, and Brigitte has told him she can't have children; which is a lie, as Miss Parker discovered from Brigitte's doctored medical records. Marvin, the black pool player, wasn't Billie's adoptive father, he was her real father. He said he'd adopted her to protect the daughter of a white mother and a black father. Worse, Billie's mom was Fontenot's fiancée until Marvin stole her away, and Fontenot's daddy was in the KKK so the theme of this episode was racial tension. Eventually, Billie started shooting, Fontenot confessed all and went down for murder, and Miss Parker kept quiet about Brigitte at the wedding.
On The Bill [20:00, Granada], Hugh Wallace, the profiler, has been rewritten from cool and calculating to mildly hysterical, and he was ranting at Inspector Gold & DCI Meadows about DS Nixon and DS Hunter. A bag belonging to Karen, the missing wife, was found in the park and Jim and Terry discovered she was having an affair with Greg, her husband's best mate. Meadows found that Wallace had been telling the truth about Nixon and Hunter's fun & games, and Nixon holed up in paedophile Peter Baxter's place with Abi. Hunter was sent home after assaulting Wallace. Laura was thinking about quitting but she identified a woman with memory loss and Smiffy decided she's okay, which upset Gabriel. Karen's body and the murder weapon turned up and Wallace was fitted up at the end.
WWE Raw [21:00, Sky Sports 3] started with Jericho's Highlight Reel featuring the Ay-Rabs, so it ended with a punch up and Benoit chasing the wogs away. Hurricane, Rosey & Benjamin versus the Surrender Monkeys & Maven could only be a shambles. Orton ranted and Triple Tedious bitched. Then TT and Flair got their asses whupped. Backstage, Batista wound up TT, the Coach interviewed the Has Been Kid and Bischoff gave him a match with Captain Charisma.
   The match had Tonker joining in and Edge playing the part of Banquo's Ghost; and getting the bum's rush over the ropes the first time he tried to spear Michaels. Christian was duly zapped then Edge was able to get in some ritual humiliation. Batista versus Viscera was an unconvincing attempt to build up Batista's image. Then TT had a whine at Batista backstage. Jericho versus Benoit was a tough, physical battle which went on for ages. Jericho got a pin eventually and there was a Canadian handshake in Toronto afterwards.
   Trash's tedious ramblings were interrupted by Kane and a choke slam, to the delight of the audience. Finally, Kane & Snitsky went at it 'no holds barred', which used to be Hardcore. The ring bell, weightlifting belts and a steel chair featured (but no dustbins) and there was lots of ultra-violence. Finally, Kane choke-slammed Snitsky off the ramp onto a heap of junk, J.R. wanted the audience to believe they'd landed on concrete and, guess what! J.R. couldn't believe it!

[Thursday, 20th] Miss Parker got her mom's rosary from Jarod the Pretender [19:00, Sci-Fi] just before she keeled over with a perforated ulcer. Jarod, meanwhile, was busy crashing a float-plane in the mountains. They both remembered (as kids) looking for the coffin containing Miss Parker's mom and, with Timmy (Angelo), finding a girl in a tent. She was called Faith and she was dying. Jarod, out in the open, was having to survive an incoming cold front and the attentions of a white wolf. Meanwhile, Miss Parker went Code Blue and had to be revived with the electric shock machine. Miss Parker gave the rosary to Faith just before she died, and she turned out to be Miss Parker's sister. Daddy told Miss Parker that Catherine Parker had adopted Faith and the Centre had failed to cure her leukemia, although an effective treatment had come along later. Jarod was rescue and he got to meet Father Moore, who had helped Catherine Parker to adopt Faith.
   On The Bill [20:00, Granada], DCI Meadows didn't believe the story about Hugh Wallace kidnapping Abi and her evidence is now tainted by her mother's brainwashing. A schoolkid was beaten up by Ravi, his rent boy boyfriend and Honey was dropped as Scott's family liaison officer then reinstated by MIT. Susie & Jo tackled Ravi and eventually busted Hargreaves, who was holding rent boy parties. A manuscript detailing Wallace's adventures with Abi turned up after a SIM card was found in a flat overlooking Baxter's place, which was highly unlikely. Greg was busted for Karen's murder, Scott bin-bagged her possessions, and Honey got inappropriate with him again. Ravi was claiming to know DAC Pearson, Manson's father-in-law, which put Manson's nose thoroughly out of joint as he thinks Meadows is getting at him again.
Another tangled web from Taggart ["The Ties That Bind", 21:00, Granada]. A bloke called Campbell hit a teenage car thief, Liam, and crashed into the river. Only he was dead at the time! Liam and his stroppy mate James lived at a homeless shelter and all they'd say was Campbell was dead in the back of the car when they stole it. Campbell died of an asthma attack; natural causes. Liam was done in next and his body was a mass of scars. Campbell was into bondage, big-time. James made a complaint about Burke, who was sidelined, and DI Ross became the boss. Someone was pulling strings behind the scenes. Hodge, the bloke in charge of the homeless shelter was suspected. Burke found out that Campbell died at an S&M party, and Campbell had videos of Liam and James being tortured in his attic. The stroppy ACC (Crime) was a too obvious suspect as someone disrupting the investigation. Burke found the torture chamber, which wasn't locked, and it turned out to belong to his pal the Fiscal, who tried to stab him! Only James saved him.

[Friday, 21st] SmackDown! [21:30, Sky Sports 3] began with Teddy Long ranting about Kurt Angle's plot last week. Booker & Latino Creep versus the Bashams filled up the rest of the first half hour. Lots of cheating by the Bashams & Orlando Jordan. Then the Creep was busted with one of the belts. And when the bad guys started post-match aggro, Jordan took an Axe Kick and a Frog Splash.
   Big Show was waiting for Kurt Angle to come through a door marked 'EXIT'. Scotty 2 Hotty versus Akio contained lots of action and we actually got to see a Worm and a pin for Scotty. Carlito was still working his petition to get rid of Teddy Long. Heidenreich signed up then Undertaker showed him a coffin containing the body of Heidenreich! Cena versus Dupree went to the usual unconvincing finish. Then Kenzo gave Cena some ritual humiliation.
   Mysterio versus Chavo was buckets of fast, cruiserweight action. The first 619 try didn't come off but the second one produced a pin for Mysterio. Kurt Angle read out his apology and he seemed to be trapped between Big Show and Bradshaw plus entourage. But it was all an ambush for Big Show, who suffered some ritual humiliation in another shameful display of WWE 'sporting' values.

[Saturday, 22nd] Mythbusters [13:00, Discovery +1] featured a couple of Yanks testing urban myths. The first to go was that a 1 cent coin dropped from the Empire State Building could kill someone. They proved that it would reach a terminal velocity of about 62 mph, which would not damage tarmac or concrete, or crack a human skull. All it would do is sting a hand, or a bum, placed in its path. Exposing the human body for hours on a tanning bed does not cook the body from the inside out – the tanning rays contain no microwaves and microwaves cook from the outside in anyway.
   Putting metal objects in a microwave oven doesn't cause an explosion but scrunched up kitchen foil does produce some spectacular sparks and glows. But water can be superheated occasionally and explode when a spoon is placed in it. They didn't try drying a poodle in a microwave. And finally, do fillings pick up radio transmissions, as Lucille Ball claimed in a 1970s interview? No.
Krakatoa [19:00, Channel 4] took a couple of hours to explore the events before and after the volcano blew its top on 27th August, 1883. Eruptions began on May 20th and the Dutch administrators of the region received reports and commissioned more of the same. An expedition visited the island but they didn't know they were seeing the results of pyroclastic flows. But they took valuable samples and photographs, and conducted the first ever study of an active volcano.
   After 3 quiet months, Krakatoa began erupting again on August 26th. The bang was heard in Batavia, 83 miles away and a giant wave devastated the local area. The volcano exploded the next day, causing another tsunami. Most of the damage and loss of life was cause by tsunamis, but no one knew about them back then.
   The black and white photographs taken in the next few days show devastation just like that caused by the Boxing Day 2004 tsunamis. The island exploded not because sea water came into contact with the lava. Rather new, hotter magma filled up a void in the magma chamber, mixed with older, colder magma and released vast amounts of gas. 36,000 people were killed and 136 towns and villages destroyed, mainly by tsunamis.
   The Royal Society compiled a comprehensive report, which included colour oil sketches of the spectacular sunsets seen for the next few years. The atmospheric effects after the volcano exploded gave the first clues to the existence of the high-altitude jetstream winds and the Earth cooled 0.5 deg.C. A new volcano has been growing in the caldera since 1927 and it has now reached almost the height of Krakatoa in 1883. And this one is bound to blow its top eventually.

[Sunday, 23rd] On Stargate SG1 ["Heroes" part 2, 16:05, Channel 4], Bregman was cutting together unbelievably boring interviews at the SGC while someone (Col. O'Neill?) was killed off-planet. Senator Kinsey sent Woolsey of NID (the holographic doctor from Startrek Voyager) to investigate Gen. Hammond's command decisions. He had a strong whiff of corruption, he got about as much co-operation as the film unit and Hammond was able to slow him down by quoting from his reports on how much the lives of SGC personnel are worth.
   Daniel had film of someone being killed. Gen. Hammond decided that Bregman might just make a useful record of what goes on at the SGC to counter-balance Woolsey's secret report. So Bregman got Daniel's tape of Dr. Fraiser being killed and Daniel insisted that Bregman use his film when he wavered. And Bregman got his interview with Col. O'Neill as a bonus.
The Time Team [17:00, Channel 4] was at a castle near Dumfries looking for the remains of a Roman fort in the area between the walls built by Hadrian (at the present Scottish border) and Agricola (Glasgow to Edinburgh). The fort could have been built by Hadrian in the 1st Century AD, abandoned, reopened in the 2nd Century and burnt and abandoned. The finds included 2nd Century Roman pottery and local stuff. Excellent geophysics confirmed crop markings showing a massive site, which had to be tackled via test pits. And an expert built a whistling dragon standard.
Two Men In A Trench [18:00, UKTV History] seems to concentrate on Scottish military victories over the English. This programme was a search for the site of the battle of Bannock Burn (1314), where Robert the Bruce routed Edward II despite being outnumbered 3:1. The first job was to find the Roman road which Edward had used. The Scots dug pits on either side of it and filled them with stakes to stop the English spreading out. There are what are supposed to be the tips of 3 stakes in Stirling museum but carbon-14 dating showed them to be 8,000 year old Scots pine roots. There was nothing at the site of Bruce's camp, no artefacts have ever been recovered from the battle and there's no agreement on the actual battle site. But no disagreement that the Bruce had won.
Live NFL [20:00, Sky Sports Xtra] began with the Falcons in sunny, windy, sleety Philadelphia at 18 deg.F. Atlanta went 3 and out. The Eagles' first drive ended with a field goal fake which didn't fool the Falcons. Driving into the wind, the Falcons got going on the ground, but they had to punt; all of 8 yards! A face mask penalty saved the Eagles from going 3 and out, Westbrook rushed 36 yards to the Atlanta 25, Smith took a pass to the 4 and Levens hit the end zone on a 2nd effort. 0-7. An interception by Brown of the Eagles was called back for holding. Vick covered about 50 yards to gain 15. The Eagles called a time out just before the quarter ran out to force the Falcons to kick a field goal or go for a 4th & 1.
   The Falcons made their 1st down, got to the 2 and Feely kicked a 23 yard FG. 3-7. McNabb's scrambling and a pass to Mitchell made a 3rd & 11 for the Eagles. A pass into the wind reached Lewis, who went 45 yards to the Atlanta 4. A 2 yard TD pass to Chad Lewis at the side of the end zone survived a challenge. 3-14. The Falcons got a 1st down out of a roughing the passer penalty, a 30 yard pass to Crumpler got them to the Eagles' 10 and a TD run by Dunn made the score 10-14. Kerney sacked McNabb on the first play and there was time enough left for Kearse to sack Vick.
   The Eagles started the 3rd quarter with Westbrook rushing and Akers kicked a 31 yard FG. 10-17. The Falcons punted after a sack by Burgess. Next time he had the ball, Vick threw a pass straight to Dawkins, who returned his interception to the Atlanta 11. The Eagles went backwards and Akers kicked a 34 yard FG. 10-20.
   A fan was tackled by a security guard on the field before the Falcons punted at the start of the 4th quarter. [And Kevin didn't shave his moustache off in the studio!] The Eagles punted. Burgess got the Eagles' 4th sack of the day and the Falcons punted. G. Lewis took a pass 20 yards, and collected a TD pass from the 3. 10-27. And that was to be the final score.
   The Eagles didn't look like world-beaters but they were always doing enough to contain Atlanta and keep a lead.
The Patriots kicked off in Pittsburgh. Roethlisberger's 3rd play went to Wilson after 2 other players tipped the pass, and a 48 yard FG from Vinatieri put the Patriots in the lead 3-0. The Steelers failed to make a 4th & 1 at the NE 38. Brady promptly tossed a pass to Branch, who went 61 yards for a TD! 10-0. After an exchange of punts, Reed kicked a 43 yard FG for the Steelers as the 1st quarter ran out. 10-3.
   More punting in the 2nd quarter. Branch took a pass 46 yards to the Pittsburgh 19 and Givens took a 9 yard TD pass. 17-3. A 28 yard pass Ward got the Steelers to the NE 37. Roethlisberger rushed 10 yards to the 23 but Harrison intercepted his next play and returned the ball 87 yards for a TD. 24-3.
   The Patriots went 3 and out to start the 3rd quarter after a sack by Porter. Randle El made a big pass play to the NE 5 and Bettis went in for a TD. 24-10. Higgins sacked Brady. A fumble ruling against Givens was overturned by a challenge. The Patriots got a further 15 yards to the Pittsburgh 25 for a personal foul. A TD run by Dillon made the score 31-10. Roethlisberger made another 1st down. He scrambled frantically on a 4th & 5 at the NE 30, then he found Ward with a pass and he made the end zone. 31-17. A big pass play to Givens was overturned by a challenge and the Patriots punted. A big rush by the Bus put Pittsburgh at the NE 30 but the drive ended with a 31 yard FG from Reed in the 4th quarter. 31-20.
   The Patriots replied with a 31 yard FG. 34-20. The Steelers went hurry-up but an interception by Wilson withstood a challenge. A 23 yard TD pass to Branch put the match well out of reach at 41-20 with 2:23 left. The Steelers got a consolation TD with a 7 yard pass to Burress with less than a minute left (41-27), but their on-side kick try went to the Patriots.
   The Steelers never looked like winning this one. The Patriots did their usual thorough job on all fronts: offense, defense and special teams, and they're looking hot favourites for winning back-to-back Super Bowls.

[Monday, 24th] Jarod the Pretender [19:00, Sci-Fi] was a school bus driver in San Diego when the mom of one of his customers drove into the path of a truck. The kid needed a kidney transplant so Jarod became a lab technician to help out and discovered that the kid's dad isn't his biological father; drug-dealer Luther is; so off he went to a Mexican gaol. At the Centre, Mr. Raines accused Miss Parker of becoming unfocussed. She missed Jarod in San Diego but checked his trash and headed for Mexico. The female prison governor let Jarod stage a gaol break. Of course, Luther slugged Jarod and decamped, heading back to San Diego for his $10 million and revenge on Ray, who grassed him up. So Jarod tricked Luther, extracted one of his kidneys for the kid and sent him back to his gaol cell in Mexico.
Battlestar Galactica [20:00, Sky One] has reached its finale. The Boomer on Caprica steered Helo to the Arrow of Apollo and told him she's pregnant. Adama sacked the President when she told him she'd sent Starbuck to get the Arrow. Adama sent troops to break into Colonial One and Galactica's Boomer to take out a cylon basestar at Kobol. The nuclear weapon wouldn't release to Boomer landed on the basestar, went wandering off, met a whole gang of other Boomers and got the hell out just before the nuke went off. Starbuck had a fight with a Type 6 cylon after getting the Arrow and met up with Helo and his Boomer. Balthar survived the raptor crash and he was wandering about on Kobol with his Type 6 cylon, who told him he's involved in the next step in God's plan. Apollo mutinied rather than arrest the President so she surrendered to prevent bloodshed and ended up in the brig. And at the end, Galactica's Boomer shot Adama!

[Tuesday, 25th] Jarod the Pretender [19:00, Sci-Fi] heard Neil, the presenter of a Chicago radio talk show, and his secret studio being shot up and blown up. Jarod took over to find Neil and he told the Centre's story to his listeners. Meanwhile, Thomas had bought a house in Oregon and he wanted Miss Parker to go there with him. Sydney thought it was a good idea but Daddy said he couldn't manage without her. Neil was giving money to Patty, a 19 year old girl with a degenerative disease. While testing vaccines for the US military, he had been forced to use Patty's pregnant mother as a subject. The man hunting Neil was his old CO, Colonel Spence. Jarod trapped Spence and tricked a confession out of him. Neil told the truth to Patty on air and Miss Parker told her truth to Thomas. On Stargate SG1 ["Reckoning" part 1, 20:00, Sky One], the Jaffa rebellion crumbled as replicators attacked the Goa'uld. Jacob Carter arrived at the SGC to tell O'Neill he expected the Goa'uld to be wiped out in weeks. The Sam Carter replicator believed Daniel has Ancients' knowledge in his mind so he was kidnapped. Teal'c and Braetak decided the only hope for their rebellion was to take the temple on Tokara and prove the Goa'uld are not gods. Thor and Carter tested a new weapon on the replicators; it worked just the once. Baal turned up at the SGC looking for help and Anubis, now in a new body, was pulling his strings. The Sam replicator learned there is a weapon on Tokara which could destroy the replicators, which was where the Goa'uld were heading to put down the rebellion. And at the end, Baal told O'Neill the weapon could wipe out both the replicators and all life in the galaxy!
On Dr. Weir's birthday at Stargate Atlantis ["Before I Sleep", 21:10, Sky One], Sheppard found a 10,000 year old woman in a stasis chamber. She claimed to be a Dr. Weir who had been time-travelling. DNA testing confirmed her story. In her time-line, the city didn't switch on when her team arrived and more or less everyone drowned when the city locked down and the shield collapsed. Weir, Sheppard and a boffin escaped in a ship with a time-travel gadget. Only Weir survived the trip. The council of Atlantis ordered the time machine to be destroyed so the inventor installed the fail-safe which would take the city to the surface. Weir stayed behind manage the power system when the people of Atlantis headed back to Earth. She was supposed to be revived when the team from Earth arrived, but McKay shut off what he thought was an unexplained power drain. Before she croaked, Weir handed over the co-ordinates of 5 outposts, all known to have a ZPM. And at the end, Dr. Weir scattered her other self's ashes over the city.

[Wednesday, 26th] Miss Parker dreamed of bringing in Jarod the Pretender [19:00, Sci-Fi] and still not being able to leave the Centre. Jarod caught a kid, Dillon Hale, when he tried to rob a store in Jacksonville, took him home and saw their boat blow up, apparently with dad aboard. The kid took a powder when Winston, head of security at his lawyer dad's firm, showed up. Meanwhile, Miss Parker was skiving! Jarod went to the law firm as an IRS auditor and discovered that Dillon's dad, Peter, was getting evidence for an FBI agent, now dead, as Winston had killed a witness against a drug dealer. Jarod burgled Winston's office and used his security system to tape a confession. Miss Parker told Daddy she's leaving! Peter Hale was still alive. Mr. Parker gave Thomas a blank cheque to get lost but Thomas ripped it up. Winston walked right into Jarod's trap and the old lady who owned the store won the lottery!
On The Bill [20:00, Granada], Valentine and Lance found a body and, after a lot of messing about, it turned out to be Marie, Jim Carver's ex-wife. Manson wanted to nail his father in law, the pervert, but he resigned and Scotland Yard preferred that to a scandal. Murphy arrested a woman, who accused a Nigerian man, Abiola, of giving her AIDS. The CPS was interested in a case of biological GBH, especially as there was a previous girlfriend who was also sick. Abiola rolled over for Terry and Murphy, and at the end, shock horror! Stroppy Asian Leyla called Irish Murphy a racist!
WWE Raw [21:00, Sky Sports 3] began with HBK, Y2J and Benoit versus Christian, Tonker and Edge for most of the first half-hour. Shawn Michaels did most of the work. Then Jericho jumped on Tonker, HBK booted him in the mush and Benoit pinned him. It was Jim Ross Day in Oklahoma, so ritual humiliation from Triple Tedious & Flair for J.R., Stacy & Danny Hodge until Orton chased the tedious ones away.
   Batista is going into the Royal Rumble to win the title back when TT loses it to Orton, and he got a qualification match with both Surrender Monkeys. Tajiri versus Viscera was an 'over the top rope' match. Viscera was unfazed by a faceful of green stuff and Tajiri lasted about a minute. No Canadian anthem; Batista got stuck right into the Surrender Monkeys, who ended up in a heap in the middle of the ring for a double pin. Then Batista planted the flag! Val Venis had to lie down while Ay-rab Hassan zapped him with little resistance.
   Maven wanted a Royal Rumble qualifier with someone who was already in it. So he ended up in a 3-way with what was left of Kane & Snitsky after last week's fun & games. And Kane got to pin Maven. Steve Austin has a 3-film deal with WWE movies. TT has put Flair into the Royal Rumble to wind Batista up. Finally, Flair versus Orton involved lots of boxing and cheating, and little discernible wrestling. Then the ref was flattened and were off down the routine swindle trail. Triple Tedious zapped another ref but Orton got to pull it off in the end.

[Thursday, 27th] Miss Parker dreamed about her Mom and Thomas was shot dead at her house. A garbage man called 911 and the cops tried to fit up Miss Parker as her gun was missing. Jarod the Pretender [19:00, Sci-Fi] told her to look at the people around her. The police arrested a suspect, Dawson, with Miss P's gun and pictures of her and Thomas romping; and he died of a drug overdose in custody. Jarod met Miss P while she was having a wake. Miss Parker turned over Dawson's place and found medical grade morphine. The cop investigating Thomas's murder was killed; his brake line was cut. Lester, the garbage man, was paid to make the 911 call and deliver drugs to Dawson. Miss P asked Daddy for half a million bucks to buy information from Lester, but he turned up gassed in the boot of his car. Lyle, Daddy & Brigitte arrived at the scene. Knowing what they'd done, Miss Parker told Jarod she was going to strike back when the others believed everything had blown over.
Murphy and Leyla got a dead baby on The Bill [20:00, Granada]. The asylum-seeker Iraqi parents were suspected of battering but it was natural causes. An unsuccessful burglar photocopied his bum and faxed the picture to an ex-girlfriend, Gillian. Stolen goods turned up in her husband's shop; but only because the burglar had sold them to him deliberately. Steve screwed up with a car thief. The neighbour of the Iraqis accused them of being violent, and the husband went after him with a knife, but the Murphy thought the neighbour was a race criminal and got busy with stitching him up. Honey got extra inappropriate with Scott, husband of the murdered Karen. Margaret, the ex-looney, now a cleaner at Sun Hill bought De Costa a present for her mum's birthday. Leyla apologized to Murphy and Smiffy got pally with Dunbar with Manson watching, and he's all upset as he has to stand on his own two feet without his father-in-law to help him out.
DI Ross and girlfriend, Eve Hamilton, found the body to start Taggart ["In Camera", 21:00, Granada]. The body was in a corporate cottage owned by Strang, Eve's other boyfriend and Danny, the deceased, worked at a photographic studion run by Strang's ex-wife. 14 years earlier, Ross was involved in his first murder case and his then boss, Stobel, was under investigation. He took advantage of Ross to frame a bloke called Jamieson for the murder.
   Colin, a male model at the studios, is killed next and both he and Danny turned out to have been killed with insulin; and Strang is diabetic. Ross keep trying to keep Eve out of the case but Burke kept digging and the whole thing blew up in Ross's face. Especially when it turned out that Danny used to be Eve's boyfriend, Caitlin, the girl murdered 14 years ago kept making up to him, Eve killed her and Danny helped her to get away with it.
   Danny was blackmailing Eve but he said he wanted to clear his conscience. And Colin was going to tell the police about helping Mrs. Strang to move Danny's body to the cottage. Eve's pleading guilty to all the killings means Ross is out of trouble, but he still chose to tell all about Stobel stitching up Jamieson.

[Friday, 28th] WWE SmackDown! [21:30, Sky Sports 3] reran Big Show Bashed, The Musical, which has a very effective musical soundtrack and was worth seeing again just for the music. Then Bradshaw and Kurt Angle did some gloating. Latino Creep, Booker T and Rey Mysterio had a 25-minute shambles with Luther, Jindrak and Jordan, who eventually took a 419, an Axe Kick and a Frog Splash. Then Bradshaw, Kurt and their entourages had an argy-bargy session. So Teddy Long put the principals in a Last Man Standing match.
   Austin the film star again. Mucho messing about. This week, it was Kenzo's turn to lie down for another unconvincing 'win' by Pond Life Cena. Boring! Another pome from Heidenreich and a spot of foaming at the mouth by the bloke who enjoys his insanity. Spike versus London versus Moore versus Funaki for a Royal Rumble place was mainly two scrapping and two collapsed until London did a 450 degree spin off the ropes onto Spike for a pin.
   Mucho more messing about and some pink drink splashed all over Amy. Finally, Bradshaw and Kurt Angle bashed each other, both survived a superplex off the post, the hangers-on joined in and got the bum's rush, more long counts, and 8(!) German suplexes for Bradshaw. Lots of 9-counts and in the end, a double steel chair shot put both men down for a 10-count while Big Show gloated backstage.

[Sunday, 30th] There were bodies galore when SG1 (minus Col. O'Neill) reached the base of a rogue NID cell ["Resurrection", 16:05, Channel 4]. CCTV showed everyone had been killed by a young woman in a glass cage (Anna), but she pleaded innocence. The sole survivor, Dr. Keffler, was unco-operative but Major Carter worked out that he had created a human-Goa'uld clone using rapid-growth nanytes, hoping to gain access to Goa'uld genetic knowledge. Daniel used a sketch made by Anna to open an arc; only to find it contained an activated Goa'uld bomb, which would take out Orange County. Carter realized that Anna had a dual personality and Sekmet, her Goa'uld half, was gaining more and more control. Dr. Lee managed to turn off the bomb. Anna killed Keffler when she escaped from her box but he had implanted a poison capsule in her brain, so she croaked too.
The Time Team [17:00, Channel 4] were near Peterborough, looking for a neolithic causeway enclosure. They soon found ditches and part of a flint arrow head turned up on Day 2. Soil samples taken all over the site were examined for phosphates as signs of occupation. Domestic animal bones, some from butchered animals, turned up, showing the area was bursting with sources of food and fuel. Phil found an aurochs bone deliberately placed at the centre of a ditch. The final conclusion was that the site had been a great monument which was visible for miles, and it was a farming centre where some ritual activity took place.
Monk, Sharona and 390 others watched Sharona's sister stab her leading man to death on stage ["Mr. Monk goes to the theatre", 20:00, Hallmark]. Gail got the 3rd degree from the cops because the victim had dumped her and Mom showed up. Gail insisted she'd used a prop knife but there was a real one in the body. Monk took over the lead role in the production, giving a very hammy performance when he got stage fright, and he was able to prove that Gail's understudy, who had a history of nobbling rivals, had made the victim collapse with an allergic reaction. Then her accomplice, pretending to be a doctor, had removed the prop knife and stabbed him for real!
Dalziel & Pascoe returned with a 2-parter ["Heads You Lose", 21:00, BBC 1]. Pascoe got involved in a chase and rammed his car in a concrete pillar. He ended up in a hospital facing closure and replacement by a PPI hospital with no A&E department. Body parts from a recent murder victim turned up in a lake, a nurse (Lianne) was missing and there was a violent, womanizing surgeon. The body, cut into 16 pieces, was Lianne and she blew the whistle on the surgeon's fiddled waiting list. Everyone blamed her for getting the hospital closed. The surgeon was being paid by the developer of the PPI hospital and at the end, he was busy strangling Melinda, a blackmailing nurse while ignoring his pager. So an epileptic patient died.

[Monday, 31st] Jarod the Pretender [19:00, Sci-Fi], now a cop, did a Dirty Harry act to bluff a murder confession out of a junkie cop. A boy, Bryce, was kidnapped by his internet chess buddy. At the Centre, Brigitte, now blonde, had gone all wobbly and Daddy wanted Miss Parker to have a girl-to-girl chat with her. Jarod deduced that the kidnapper took Bryce because he was a chess prodigy. The kidnapper gave Bryce the Ipcress treatment to convince him his name was Joshua. The FBI's top profiler was brought in as 8 other boys with overbearing fathers had been kidnapped and 6 had turned up dead. Miss Parker found Brigitte blonde again and apparently a weeping junkie and Broots caught her cavorting with Kyle.
   Jarod tracked down a kidnapper and the profiler lady thought there were 2 of them; both called Joshua and both kidnapped earlier. Brigitte had been taking fertility drugs and she was in the club! The profiler tried to do a number on Jarod because he identified too much with Joshua. Jarod broke down Joshua, found the Ipcress chamber and then 'Father' with Bryce, who was about to be killed for refusing to become another Joshua. 'Father' was a child psychologist whose son had died.
Back with Dalziel & Pascoe [part 2, 21:00, BBC 1], the missing head turned up. So did the strangled nurse, not quite dead, in a bin near the incinerator. The consultant denied everything to Dalziel, who thought he butchered the whistle-blower. The developer was hassling the surgeon to get Dr. Mansfield on-side. Pascoe let Shannon, his nurse, use his flat as she shared a house with Lianne and Melinda. The union rep was in the developer's pocket, he orchestrated the whistle-blowing and he was obliged to quit eventually. A traffic camera proved that the surgeon couldn't have killed Lianne but CCTV showed he did try to bump off Melinda. Dr. Mansfield was treating her daughter (Amy) with an illegal epilepsy drug, the epileptic who died in the previous episode was one of her patients, who was off the drug. Lianne had threatened to shop her so Mansfield had pushed her. Lianne fell over and popped an aneurism in her head and chopping her up seemed like a good idea at the time. And to finish, Shannon crashed her car into a tanker while talking to Pascoe on her mobile and the developer was Amy's father.

Created for Clyde E. Wydey by HTSP Web Division, 10/12 SK6 4EG, UK. Sole © Clyde E. Wydey, 2005. Optimized for Netscape Communicator 4.7. Other browsers may screw up page layouts & not show Javascript gadgets.