[Monday, 01st] Gotham [21:00, 5HD] A body dump; the guy lost a fight but bit off a finger. Penguin gave Lady Fish a brooch stolen from a woman in the street. Jim arrested the ME for obstruction and his girlfriend was boozing immoderately. Harve opened a door into the killer's face to settle his hash.
The BG claimed the boss ordered potential recruits to fight for a job. There had been 4 similar killings in the last 3 years. Jim was put into one of the last-man-standing brawls. Harve shamed the PD into helping to find him. Jim kicked some ass and busted the boss.
Barbara told Lady Fish she wanted out. No chance. Penguin tortured his successor to find out that Lady Fish had a spy close to Falcone. Gordon told Harve he planned to get everyone who was dirty; the mayor, mobsters and cops. And Alfred had to teach young Bruce Wayne how to fight.
[Tuesday, 02nd] MNF replay [18:0, British Eurosport2HD] The Dolphins @ the Jets. Great blocking gave the Jets a TD. They hammered Tannehill to a standstill, so just a FG try, which missed, in reply. The Jets were held to a FG early in Q2. 0-10. They missed one with 3½ minutes left. The Dolphins reached FG range at the end of the half. 3-10.
The Dolphins kicked a FG 4 minutes into Q3. 6-10. The Jets bounced a kick over from the crossbar. 6-13. They did nothing with a pick and the Dolphins drove into Q4 to a TD for Miller. 13-all, 10½ minutes left. The Jets missed a FG try. The Dolphins kicked one over at the 2MW, and a pick sealed their 16-13 win.
Elementary [21:00, LivingHD] An AI guy's program had been stolen, so SH spent ages doing a Turing test on "Bella". Then he waived his fee and brought Watson in on the job of beating the computer. The thief was the new Raffles, and he was soon neutralized. Then Edwin the AI guy was found dead. Killed by the computer? SH didn't buy it.
There was no virus in the computer,SH's child expert said. Watson's BF was getting a job in Denmark, so she blamed SH. The virus was on a heavy metal CD sent to Edwin, but not by his heavy metal mate. SH focussed on the alarmist ETRA Think Tank. Prof Pike's student took the blame to cover up for her mentor. So SH tried to get into Pike's head and failed.
[Wednesday, 03rd] SNF replay [4oD] The Broncos @ KC. The Chiefs kept going 3 & out. The Broncos spent 6 minutes going to a TD, and scored another with 2 minutes of Q1 left. 14-0.
3 & out again for KC. They made the Broncos punt, but a penalty gave the Broncos another chance; so they ran a trick play for a first down. Surprise! Just a FG. Surprise! A TD for KC with 3 minutes left. 17-7. Another FG for the Broncos. 20-7.
KC forced a fumble and recovered it at the DB 23; and kicked another FG. 20-10. Denver punted for real for the first time. But Smith's first play was batted and picked off. Another FG, 23-10. Denver had to punt again but the ball hit a KC player and the Broncos grabbed it. Another FG, 26-10 in Q4.
Wow! A TD for KC 3 minutes in! No 2-pointer, so 26-16. The Broncos kicked another FG. KC fumbled away their chance to do anything to catch up. 29-16 final.
Hot Shot (1991) [19:20, Film4] is a daft comedy. The Navy wants Harley back for a Top Secret mission, so he stops pretending to be an injun. Lloyd Bridges plays the Leslie Nielsen part. Topper has a rival with personal history, and they are both after a weird French dame. She's a real sizzler, baconwise.
"Dead Meat" didn't have much of a chance. There's a mission and two dodgy defence contractors up to no good. Topper is put in charge to make the mission fail. But Saddam Insane gets bombed. Hooray! Then it's back to the reservation for Topper, and the French dame joins in the faux Indian bit, too.
Posse (1993) [21:00, TCMHD] is a rant about how African-Americans have been written out of history, especially in the West. Jesse Lee was in Cuba in 1898, during the Spanish-American war, and his corrupt colonel, whose regiment was getting its ass kicked, decided to send Jesse to steal some Spanish gold instead of retreating. The colonel ran away and there was a monumental shoot-out. Jesse and his posse were the last men standing.
They headed for New Orleans and another shoot-out; there were wanted posters out on the posse. Off to the Western frontier, where the gold coins were melted down into bars, and some golden bullets. Jesse killed the blacksmith; he was on a personal mission of vengeance. The colonel and his posse arrived at the town too late.
Jesse went after the sheriff of his old home town next, so the sheriff shot the mayor and blamed Jesse for the killing. Jesse worked out that the sheriff was trying to steal all the local land to sell to the railroad; the same thing had happened to the local Injuns. The sheriff and his gang are being shot up when the colonel arrived with Gatling guns.
Big battle! Surprise! One of the coloured folks was planning to sell out the town because he thought it inevitable and he might as well be the someone who made a profit out of it. The sheriff got a golden bullet, and the colonel was spiked and shot and blown up. And in the end, nobody's descendants lived happily ever after because the black folks ended up with practically nothing.
[Thursday, 04th] Nothing new on TV, so Battle Beyond The Sun [ViewChewb] (1959-62) 7th November, 1997: Earth was shattered by the great atomic war and divided into North Hemisphere and South Hemisphere, which are in a race for Mars using very 1930s rockets. Spies from NH land on the SH space station. They try to steal a march on the SH gang but have to yell for help when their rocket is drawn toward the Sun.
The sneaky Russians are saved but there isn't enough fuel to get back to Earth. So the spaceship Mercury lands on a moon of Mars and asks for a fuel rocket. Natch, there's a problem with the fuel rocket and there are monsters on the planetoid. One of the Americans is killed thanks to the Russians.
Eventually, Mercury heads back to Earth (instead of asking for another fuel rocket so they can land on Mars, being so close). And SH and NH could now co-operate for another shot at Mars.
[Friday, 05th] TNF replay [12:00, Sky Sports 2] The Cowboys @ the Bears. Defences were in charge for the first quarter. The Cowboys made a 4th & 1 at the CB 13, same deal at the half-yard line, and into the lead with a TD. But the Bears promptly got back level. But the Cowboys finished the half 14-7 up.
The Bears fumbled away their first possession and the Cowboys scored 3 TDs. 35-7 going into Q4, which the Bears started with a TD. 35-13 as the PAT try was blocked. Another TD for Dallas, another TD plus 2 points for the home team. 38-21 with 7:17 left.
The Bears worked a successful on-side kick!! And Cutler made a dash for the DC end zone. 38-28. The Cowboys kicked a FG, 41-28, and picked Cutler in their own end zone in the last 2 minutes. Good-night.
Meatloaf Live with the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra [20:00, Sky Arts 1HD] And also the Neverland Express. Meat with a really BIG sound.
Bon Jovi Live from London [21:00, Sky Arts 1HD] A gig from Wembley stadium, so all the familiar songs to a VAST audience.
[Saturday, 06th] Naked Space (1983, Leslie Nielsen) [ViewChewb] The good ship Vertigo has an annoying computer called Max and a weird crew, which includes Dr. Stark, who is a serial credit-grabber. He insists on an expedition to a new planet, which the computer spots but Dr. Stark claims as his discovery. The gang collects a plant and a blob of jelly. Then it's Talent Night.
The blob grows into a rampaging monster. It is zapped and wired into Max so that its noises can be translated into English. It sings and dances and wants to eat the crew. The crazy doctor gets himself eaten. Then the monster escapes. Will the crew survive uneaten? Sue, the morale officer, comes up with a plan to lure the monster into an airlock, and it is flung into space. Hooray!
Battleship (2012) [20:00, 4HD] The Beacon Project identifies a Goldilocks planet; one just like Earth; so they start sending messages to it. Meanwhile, a ne'er-do-well breaks in to a supermarket to steal a chicken burrito for a girl he fancies, so the cops taser him. Her father is an admiral, which puts his brother's job in danger. So the scumbag has to join the US navy. He's a lieutenant when 14 nations send ships to Hawaii for a naval exercise.
The scumbag loses a football tournament for the US team and the Japs win. He proves to the admiral that he's a total screw-up. As the exercise begins, a tracking station detects 5 objects heading for Earth in formation. 4 land in the sea off Hawaii and the other crashes onto Hong Kong. How can this possibly be a reply to the Goldilocks signal? Oh, well.
The screw-up goes out to one of the floating alien ships and triggers a force-field, which traps the fleet. A war starts and the screw-up becomes captain of the John Paul Jones by default. The aliens attack the mainland. Their communications ship hit Hong Kong and they need the coms station on Hawaii to call home.
Jap sneakiness and American courage are required to fight the invaders at sea and in single combat on land. A retired marine with 2 metal legs takes on an alien in a combat suit and wins; with a bit of help. Natch, the aliens are blasted to bitz and it's medals all round for the survivors.
[Sunday, 07th] NFL Sunday [17:30, Sky Sports 2] The Colts @ the Browns involved a lot of work for the punters. The first score came when the Browns' defence recovered a sack/fumble by Luck in the Colts' end zone at the end of Q1.
Lots more for the punters, and the Browns' kicker missed a FG try. Then the Colts found some offense and Luck ran in a TD for 7-7. The Browns reached the IC red zone and went in for a TD with about a minute left. 7-14. The Colts fumbled the kick-off return, but out of bounds.
The Colts fumbled away their opening drive of Q3. The Browns' defence scored again with a pick-6. 7-21. The Colts kicked a long FG, then made a 42 yard TD on 3rd & 10. 16-21 after a 2-point try flopped.
A FG in Q4 got the Colts to 19-21. Another pick by the Browns' defence gave them a FG. 19-24, 8½ minutes left. No more scoring until the last minute, when the Colts got lucky with a TD. 25-24 after another 2-point try flopped, but that was enough.
Next, the Seahawks @ the Eagles. The home team was well in charge in Q1 and went ahead with a TD. Wilson levelled things with a dash to the PE end zone. And the SS squeaked a FG at the end of the half for a 10-7 lead.
The Eagles fumbled away the ball on their first play of Q3, and the SS got a quick TD out of the turnover. 17-7. A close shave for the PE in the kick off return but the ruling was no fumble. So on to a fall into the SS end zone by Ertz for a TD. 17-14. The Seahawks did a quick sprint the other way for a TD. 24-14.
The Eagles forced a fumble by Lynch and recovered it with 9 minutes of Q4 to go, but Sanchez promptly threw a pick! After that, the defences held up and the Hawks won.
[Monday, 08th] The Librarians and the Sword in the Stone [1/2, 20:00, SyfyHD] First came the 3 Librarian films (q.v.) and then the idea was adapted for Warehouse 13 (2009-14). Now, the Librarians have it back. Berlin; cops after a WoMD; shoot-out. Enter Flynn Carsen to grab an artefact; a zombie stone. And a Yank special agent has to defuse the nuclear bomb. Next, an informant is murdered in the Library. Colonel Eve is recruited as a Guardian for Flynn, who doesn't want one.
The Serpent Brotherhood, which wants to bring magic back into the world, killed the prof. at the Library. The bad guys have a helicopter and they are trained killers. All the Librarian has is Eve and 2 assistants. Flynn wrecks a henge to find King Arthur's crown. Bad guys invade the Library and the treacherous assistant Cassandra gets Flynn stabbed by Excalibur. To be continued . . .
The Librarians and the Sword in the Stone [2/2, 21:00, SyfyHD] The Library goes into lockdown and everyone ends up at a satellite Library in Oregon. Flynn has a magical wound, which will kill him in 24 hours. He makes a connection to London, so it's B&E at the Tower of London and Buck House. There's some battling in the cellars.
Is this the end of Flynn in episode 2? No, with one bound, he's okay. But the Library is adrift in time and space. So the rest of the team, Eve and 3 trainees, have to do something about all the magic released by the Serpent Brotherhood, leaving Flynn free to look for the Library and help them out occasionally. And Jenkins, the guy in charge of the satellite Library, has to put up with his world being turned upside down.
Gotham [22:00, 5+1] Barbara has gone away for a while. Jim Gordon parks his child witness to the Wayne murders at the mansion with Bruce Wayne and Alfred. An explosive nutter is rescued from a prison van. An allegedly honest ADA wants to use Gordon's witness to get at the corrupt businessman Mr. Lovecraft.
Boom! A building is blown up to get the bad guys some super-grade military explosive. The nutter is found and he has time to tell the cops that Russians have grabbed him to blow up Falcone. Then he's grabbed back. A lab rat works out that the target is Gotham armoury. Boom! Falcone's cash stash is blown up. The bomber is captured again and he says someone else blew up the cash. He ends up in the refurbed Gotham Asylum. The ADA reckons he has Lovecraft in a scared condition and it was Lady Fish who blew up the cash.
[Tuesday, 09th] MNF replay [18:00, British Eurosport2HD] The Falcons in Green Bay. 3-19! GB to a TD run by Starks. But one back for Danson the other way. 7-7. A sack for the Falcons but GB marched into AF territory. Lots more Lacy, Rodgers was half-killed scrambling to the AF 2 and Lacy rushed in for a TD to start Q2.
The Falcons were stopped. GB kicked a FG then Barnett picked off Ryan, setting up a TD pass to Lacy. 7-24. With time running out, Nelson took a TD pass. But there was time left for Bryant to kick a 53 yard FG? No, it was blocked. 7-31.
Jones rushed 79 yards through Swiss Cheese to the GB 3, and a TD pass to Weems on 4th & goal at the GB 5 got the Falcons to 14-31. Bryant kicked a 50 yard FG, and one back for GB. 17-34.
A TD pass to Jones early in Q4 was matched by a 60 yarder to Nelson. 24-40 after the PAT was blocked. Lots more Jones, lots more Swiss Cheese. White caught a TD pass but the 2-point try didn't work. 30-40. The on-side kick try went to the Pack, and they kicked a 53 yard FG. 30-43. Ryan found Douglas with a TD pass for 37-43. A big run by Starks, and the Packers were able to run out the clock.
Elementary [21:00, LivingHD] A hand drops out of the sky? Off a corpse, SH decided, and the guy was under a car. Capt. Gregson hit a cop! The dead guy had a very fancy safe, which SH opened in seconds. Gregson beat up his cop daughter's partner for molesting her. Watson has written a casebook of SH cases. The dead guy was involved in diamond smuggling. SH bagged the killer very quickly, and he rolled over, saying his employer had 3 more people for him to kill.
Kitty gave Gregson some advice. The cops got the wrong man as the killer's employer. SH thought pouring a soft drink onto the keyboard of a laptop would erase Watson's casebook file! The dead guy's assistant was busted and done up like a kipper. So was the Captain, but Kitty made the violent cop quit. And SH tore up their non-disclosure agreement.
[Wednesday, 10th] SNF replay [on spluttering 4oD] The Patriots in San Diego. SD punted. The Patriots reached the SD 1, Brady was sacked at the 9, a FG try was blocked but SD jumped offside. So a re-kick. The Chargers drove into Q2, Floyd was denied at the left side of the NE end zone, so he caught a pass at the right side. 3-7.
NE fumbled early in their drive and the ball was returned for a TD by the SD defence. 3-14. The Patriots got close, but just a FG. 6-14. SD went 3 and out, and their punter was killed when his kick was blocked. A TD for Gronk. 13-14. SD's reserve punter punted. Brady was picked off at the SD 3!
Lots of work for the NE punter and the SD sub in Q3. The Patriots kicked another FG with 10½ minutes left. 16-14. A 69-yard pass play for Edelman boosted the NE lead to 23-14, and the Chargers had no answer.
[Thursday, 11th] New Police Story (2004, Jackie Chan, English subtitles) [21:00, TCMHD] Chan, the cop, is a hopeless drunk. A year earlier, a gang of show-offs robbed a bank and he boasted that he'd catch them in 3 hours. Only he was humiliated by individual gang members and he got all of his 'crack' team of 9 cops killed, and their murders were turned into a video game.
Then PC 1667 told him that the gang had pulled off another job and the Super wanted Chan on the case. '67 said he was the little brother of one of Chan's dead team. The leader of the bad guys was the useless bum son of a police superintendent and the others were all spoilt rich kids.
Chan got his mojo back in a brawl in a bar run by a bent ex-cop and cue fun with a driverless bus. Surprise! '67 isn't a cop!! The gang planted a bomb on Chan's girlfriend and it blew up the police department. The GF ended up in hospital and Chan and '67 were busted. But they walked out of gaol and everyone looked the other way.
There was a confrontation at another bank and mayhem in the adjacent toy store. The BG were written off one by one. Then there was a final bit of mayhem when Chan and '67 fell off the roof. The GF made a miraculous recovery and she got to marry Chan.
[Friday, 12th] Inspector Frost [20:00, ITV 3HD] A bloke got away with it because the CPS screwed up. Frost was chased by a crocodile at the scumbag Flannegan's farm, and there were lots of other exotic animals; he'd been smuggling them in to the country. And there was a chewed body there. Elsewhere, a couple back from holiday found a dead naked bloke in a bedroom, which screwed up Frost's plans for a night in.
The guy chomped by the croc had been shot. Flannegan turned up demanding police protection. The naked corpse was an art teacher, who'd been putting it about a bit. The exotic animals mob in London was interested in Flannegan. Mullet released him and he was found shot.
The art teacher had had a heart attack whilst shagging a music teacher, who had been shagging one of the boys, who had borrowed the key to the empty house from the son. The head trafficker admitted the animals charges but denied murder. Armed police busted a container lorry. The driver said he wasn't the killer, either, even though the gun was in a snake cage.
Edwards wanted to do a deal; he gave up the killer. Frost went after Shaw, the garden centre tycoon; he had to subdue a tiger before he could make his arrest. Shock-horror! Frost was dating Julie, and he put her dad away. But she dumped him for her estranged husband so he didn't have to tell her.
[Saturday, 13th] Licence To Kill (1989) [19:30, ITV4HD] Felix Leiter (before he became a black guy) ducked out of his wedding for a job, and Bond came along to do some aerial fishing when the drug lord Sanchez tried to fly away. Then they parachuted in for the wedding. Natch, Sanchez bought an escape, he had Della Leiter killed and Felix got to swim with the sharks.
Bond took it all very personally. He homed in on the shark guy and his tank full of bugs and dope. Then he resigned from MI6 to continue with his revenge mission. He had to team up with a sassy but very capable young lady to get on with some mayhem. He ended up in Sanchez's back yard to get himself noticed.
Q joined in for a while. So did some Hong Kong narcotics people. And some stooge from MI6. The Sanchez gang blew up the latter 2 and rescued Bond from the Chinese agents. Bond sneaked away from the Sanchez retreat after pointing the owner at one of his own guys, who exploded messily. Bond returned to sow more seeds of doubt.
Bond took a tour of the drug operation and blew up the $32 million facility after he was rumbled. Then he went to play with the petrol tankers, which contained heroin dissolved in the fuel. Helped by his lady assistant in a crop-duster. Oh, dear! The Oriental customers won't be pleased about getting nothing for their millions after all 4 tankers went up in smoke!
[Sunday, 14th] The Bengals @ the Browns. The Bengals made a 4th down instead of trying a long FG and went on to a TD after 7 minutes. Hill made a big run but the Bengals were held to a FG after a sack. 10-0. A 15 yard rushing TD for Hill made it 17-0.
The Browns were stopped by a pick and the Bengals kicked a FG. 20-0. The Browns went for it on 4th down instead of going 3 & out again, A pick by the Bengals was wiped out by offside but Pacman Jones intercepted a bad pass by Manziel in his own end zone. Hill was over 100 yards rushing before the half.
The Browns started Q3 by going 3 & out with a sack. Hill rushed 21 yards, both teams got a sack and the Bengals kicked a FG. 23-0. More work for the punters, Dunlap got a sack for the Bengals, who ran the clock out. And in the last minute, a rushing TD for Burkhead made the final score 30-0 for the Bengals.
The Broncos @ the Chargers. The score in Q1 was a sack for SD and a FG for the Broncos. The Broncos kicked 2 more FGs in Q2. The Bolts had a FG try blocked and a swindle by the refs held them to a FG in the last minute. 9-3.
The Bolts missed another FG try in Q3. Finally, the Broncos managed to construct a TD drive and Thomas hit the end zone in the final minute of the quarter. 16-3.
The Bolts replied with a TD pass to Gates in Q4. 16-10. The Broncos kicked a 49 yard FG with 5 minutes left for 19-10. They stopped the Bolts with a pick and kicked another FG for 22-10. And when Rivers was picked again in the Denver end zone, it was game over.
[Monday, 15th] The Librarians & the Horns of a Dilemma (3) [20:00, SyfyHD] The 3 trainees were not much cop at combat, Col. Eve found. Jenkins was experimenting with artefacts to improve them instead of just stashing them. The Juniors insisted on having a mission, so Jenkins opened a door to Boston for them (Stargate rip-off). They went to find missing people and found themselves in a labyrinth and chased by the Minotaur.
The gang worked out that 6 more people were to be sacrificed to the unkillable Minotaur, and found that the labyrinth wouldn't let them go. But they devised a plan, they took the big ball of string back to Oregon and left Miss Willis being chased by the Minotaur. Col. Eve was forced to accept the Juniors as partners.
Gotham [21:00, 5HD] Murder in the grounds of Wayne Manor: killers were after Selena, the witness to the Wayne murders, so she and Bruce legged it whilst Alfred fought a rearguard action. Det. Harve had to look for them as Jim Gordon was after Lovecraft for hiring the killers. Penguin had to find the mole who got Falcone's cash blown up.
Gordon found that the ADA was his leak. Falcone demanded 25% more from his sub-bosses to build up his cash reserve again. Gordon failed to get to Lovecraft before he was killed. Alfred found Bruce. The criminal Gotham mayor said Lovecraft committed suicide using Gordon's gun; not that the killers used it. And Gordon got the sack and took a trip to Arkham Asylum.
[Tuesday, 16th] MNF highlites [18:30, British Eurosport 2HD] The Saints @ the Bears. The Bears were pinned deep and Robinson picked off the 3rd down pass. But the Bears forced a fumble 2 plays later. But the Bears did nothing, and NO missed a FG try half-way through the first quarter.
The Saints started Q2 with a TD pass to Hill. 7-0. The Bears failed to get a 1st down with a kicking stunt. There was lots of defence but the Saints finished the half with a TD pass to Colston, 14-0, and intercepted Cutler again.
Another TD for Hill 6½ minutes in to Q3. 21-0. Another interception put the Saints on the road to a FG. 24-0. Finally, a score by the Bears in Q4; a TD pass to Wilson and a 2-point conversion. 24-8. More defence, and another NO TD for Ingram in the last 2 minutes. 31-8, game over. A consolation TD for Jeffery made the final score 31-15.
Elementary [21:00, LivingHD] A map and a security guard were missing. Kitty found the guard dead in a file drawer. SH spotted which map had been stolen from a museum's collection. Was it a fake? And was the thief killed because the buyer spotted this? And was the family of the man who lent the map to the museum at risk?
SH and Co. unravelled a plot to use a fake map to enable a billion dollar casino to be built on Indian land, which wasn't actually Indian land on the original map. Watson worked out who killed the thief and Lt. Gregson spotted her accomplice. SH apologized to Kitty for being over-protective, and Watson offered to do more work to give Kitty more time off.
[Wednesday, 17th] SNF replay [40D] The Cowboys @ the Eagles. The Eagles bogged fielding a short kick-off and gave the ball to Dallas at their 18. Murray charge in for a TD. After sending the home team 3 & out, the Cowboys marched 88 yards to a TD pass to Bryant. 14-0. A quick 3 & out after a sack on Sanchez.
The Cowboys continued to get lots of help from the officials in Q2, on to another TD pass to Bryant. 21-0. Finally, the PE managed a TD run by Polk. And they kicked a 21-yard FG toward the end of the half. 21-10.
After stopping the Cowboys, the Eagles enjoyed a 72 yard pass play; Maclin to the DC 1; on 3rd & 12, and another TD for Polk. 21-17. Sack/fumble; the Eagles with the ball at the DC 14. A go-ahead TD for Sproles. 21-24! But a long drive and a TD run by Murray put the Cowboys 28-24 ahead. Q3 ended with a tipped pass going to the Cowboys.
Another TD for Bryant in Q4. 35-24. The Eagles managed a FG. 35-27. They fumbled the ball away and let the Cowboys kick a 49 yard FG for a 2-score lead of 38-27. Punt. Punt. Pass by Sanchez intercepted. The End.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009) [21:00, Film4] is a shoot-'em-up, mindless adventure with human cartoon characters plus lots of gadgets. G.I. Joe is a black-ops outfit, which doesn't exist, with a base under the sands of Egypt. A Scots guy who blagged NATO cash to create fancy warheads is trying to steal them and trying to make it look like losing the warheads is NATO's fault. He has a gang of super-soldiers and he's planning to become boss of the world.
Joes have super-suits and their music is revived T Rex, which is seriously naff. They are no match for the bad guys and the ninja mummy. Goodbye warheads when the BGs raid the Joes' HQ. Lots of mayhem in Paris. Duke gets himself captured to activate the tracker on the case of warheads.
The BGs have a base under the plar ice. The Joes shoot it up and go after the BGs' missles. The hissy ninja mummy is written off. The HBG is injected with nanites and becomes the mad scientist's plaything. But these two are boxed up. The missles are destroyed but the BGs have got to the US president.
[Thursday, 18th] Year of the Dragon (1985) [21:00, TCMHD] Tough guy cop Captain White crashes into New York's Chinatown, where his bosses won't believe there's a Chinese mafia of Triad gangs. Or even an Italian Mafia. His wife is fed up of being messed around while he's busy planning to bust every Chinese criminal enterprise and cause chaos. White starts chasing a Chinese TV reporter when he's not chasing gangsters, one of whom sends young punks to kill the cop and his wife; but only the inconvenient wife gets it.
A Chinese undercover cop is shot to pieces but he passes on the details of a ship bringing in heroin from Bangkok. His bosses turn against him so Captain White goes after Joey, the young boss bad guy, alone; and lets Joey blow his brains out after their final encounter. The film ends where it started; with a bad parody of a New Orleans funeral in New York's Chinatown for Joey, and White starts a riot at it.
[Friday, 19th] TNF highlites [17:00, Sky Sports 1] The Titans @ the Jags. The Titans started with a TD pass to Washington. Then lots of defence into Q2. The Titans kicked a FG with about 4 minutes of the half left for 10-0, which left time enough for a Jags' TD. 10-7 at the half.
The Jags took the lead in Q3 with a TD drive. 10-14. They went further ahead in Q4 with a 52-yard runaway TD for Todman he actually travelled 83 yards. 10-21, 9 minutes left. The Titans managed a short FG with 6 minutes left. 13-21. Could they do anything in the last couple of minutes? Nope.
[Saturday, 20th] A special Saturday edition of Thursday Night Football?? [21:30, Sky Sports 4] Cobblers! The Eagles @ the Redskins. The home team stripped the ball from Sanchez and grabbed it, but they were held to a FG. The Eagles did better with their next drive, which went to a TD run by McCoy. 7-3. The Redskins struck back with the same deal from Morris. 7-10.
The Redskins got their 3rd sack after 7 minutes of Q2 but defences dominated until the Eagles reached the WR 3 and scored with a TD pass to Cooper. 14-10. The Redskins received the kick-off for Q3 and promptly coughed up the ball! But the Eagles missed a FG try, so no harm done.
The Redskins got close, and went on to a TD helped by a totally bogus roughing the passer call. 14-17. The PE missed another FG try. A 55-yard pass play got the WR to the PE 13, and Young made a 1-yard TD leap over the pile. 14-24.
In Q4, Cooper took a TD pass on a 3rd & 9 for 21-24. The Eagles managed to draw level with a successful FG kick. 24-all. Their next drive was stopped by an interception. A big pass to Garçon plus roughing the passer got the Skins into FG range. So they ate up the clock, kicked a FG for 24-27, left Sanchez able to hurl a Hail Mary from midfield, but went on to win.
[Sunday, 21st] NFL replay [13:30, Sky Sports 4] The Chargers in SF. An astonishing 52 yard TD run through tackles by Gore. The next time SF got close, they fumbled the ball to the Chargers at the SD 5. No damage done as Rivers was intercepted. Boldin had a TD wiped out by holding but the 9ers got a TD pass to Ellington in Q2 for 0-14. Oh, no! a 49-yard pick-6 by Bethea put the 9ers 0-21 ahead. Finally, a TD pass to Royal got the Chargers started. But SF scored another TD to go in 7-28 up at half time.
Gates scored a TD in Q3. Davis lost one to a penalty on SF, then a sack/fumble by Kaep and a SD TD! 21-28. Kaepernick redeemed himself with a 90 yard TD run! 21-35. Gates scored a TD in Q4, and a TD pass to Floyd with 29 seconds left got the Chargers level at 35-all. SF missed a 60 yard FG try.
In OT, the 49ers fumbled away their opening possession, which meant that the Chargers could with with a FG, a 40 yarder, SD wins astonishingly by 38-35.
NFL Sunday, KC @ the Steelers [18:05, Sky Sports 2] Both teams started with a FG, both teams sacked the other lot's QB. KC started at midfield after their sack, they got a 1st down with a fake FG but ended up kicking one just the same. 6-3. The Steelers advanced to the KC 6, to the 1 and Bell went in for a TD. 6-10. Wilson made a big sideline dash to the PC 32, KC were half a yard short of a first down with 27 seconds left at the PS 11, and they were stopped short!!
KC got nowhere at the start of Q3. Houston sacked R'berger. The Steelers punted, but got the ball back by recovering a fumble. They finished Q3 with a TD pass to Brown but R'berger was limping. 6-14. KC were helped to a FG by rank bad officiating. 9-17.
R'berger returned to eat up some clock to a FG. 9-20. Riot! Enormous punch-up! KC reached the PS 13 then Smith was sacked at the 2MW. Just a FG for KC. 12-20, 1:37 left, try an on-side kick; which was fielded by the Steelers. Game over.
The Colts @ the Cowboys [21:25, Sky Sports 2] The Cowboys were helped to a TD by a bogus taunting penalty, and that was the start of a demolition job, for which the Colts had no answer. It was 0-14 at the end of Q1 and 0-28 at the end of Q2, when the Colts struggled into FG range, only to see Luck intercepted in the DC end zone.
Luck was picked again in the first half-minute of Q3. The Cowboys missed a long FG try but scored another TD. 0-35. The back-ups came out in Q4, and Weeden and Hasselbeck both took the credit for a TD, making the final score 7-42.
[Monday, 22nd] The Librarians and Santa's Midnight Run [20:00, SyfyHD] The appalling Santa (Sam from Burn Notice) is grabbed in London. Col. Eve doesn't do Xmas but she and the trainees have to rescue Santa so that his accumulated good will is shared by the world not bagged by the HBG. Failure means the world will go up in flames.
Santa has to be liberated from the Snake Brotherhood and put in touch with the North Pole. He is a real pain in the ass! Fun and games on a cargo plane. Has Santa failed to get the job done? Luckily for the world, Eve takes over and the crisis is averted.
Sea Beast (2008) Joey is lost from Will's fishing boat in a storm. One of the yokels says it's the Harbinger. The guy who lent money to Will for the boat is hassling him. A lady marine biologist is talking about poisonous algae, which will kill off the fish stocks. A big, horrible monster kills the Harbinger guy! Leaving behind a couple of body parts; a shark or an animal, wonders Sheriff Jake, Will's brother.
The monster has 2 hungry kids. Captain Ben won't talk about his monster attack and support Will. The creatures can spit knockout slime and camouflage themselves into invisibility. Sheriff Jake doesn't believe Will's creature story.
A monster hunt goes horribly wrong. Stabbing the monsters works, and so does electrocuting them. But there are scores of the little ones. And the idiot townsfolk seem to have a death wish. Stoopid Barbara gets her head bit off. Other characters labour mightily to get themselves kilt. But Will somehow manages to survive blowing the big monster and her nestful of eggs to bitz.
[Tuesday, 23rd] MNF hilites [14:00, British Eurosport2HD] The Broncos @ the Bengals. Lots of defence but Talib of Denver converted a tipped pass into a one-handed catch and a pick-6. 7-0. A breakout TD run of 85 yards by Hill, with great blocking, levelled things up. More Hill on the way to a Bengals' FG in Q2. 7-10. Nelson ripped the ball from Thomas' hands at the sideline for a CB interception, and Dalton fired a TD pass to Graham. 7-17. The Bengals kicked a FG with a minute of the half to go for a 7-20 lead.
In Q3, Boldin made a huge kick off return to the CB 21 and Anderson took a TD pass. 14-20 after less than a minute. Pacman Jones returned the Denver kick off to their 26 and Bernard took a TD pass. 14-27. Sanders made a 33 yard pass play and caught a TD pass. 21-27. The Bengals reached the DB 6 then Hill fumbled the ball away. So another TD for the Broncos. 28-27.
In Q4, with rain coming down, Gresham fumbled the ball away but Manning was picked by Jones! But the Bengals had to punt. The Bengals went ahead with a FG. Wow! A pick-6 for Kirkpatrick against a confused Denver. 28-37. 2:41 left and the rain was bucketing down. A pick by Kirkpatrick; game over.
Elementary [21:00, LivingHD] A woman told Watson her sister, Jessica, had been missing for 5 years. An FBI guy reckoned she was one of half a dozen victims of the Nutmeg Killer, a.k.a. "Pumpkin". SH decided that the Fed was an idiot and the 6 cases were not connected. An old friend consulted Watson over an ID theft case, and she sorted him out.
SH deduced the existence of someone who was doing crime-scene cleans ups, uncluding disposing of bodies, for killers. SH located the guy, and got the goods on him via a client, but someone cleaned up the clean-up guy and dissolved the body! Milly spotted the guy who'd done it. SH blackmailed Jeremy's criminal dad to nail him.
[Wednesday, 24th] SNF replay [4oD] The Seahawks in Arizona, who had to field a 3rd-string QB. The first quarter was score-free, but a 55 yard run by Wilson closed it. The Seahawks missed a long FG try in the first minute of Q2. The Cardinals reached the Seattle 4, false started and ended up kicking a FG. 0-3. An 80 yard TD pass from 3 Wilson to 82 Wilson. 7-3. The Hawks benefitted from a short punt by the Cardinals and went further ahead with a TD run by the ailing Lynch. 14-3.
Two more missed long FG tries by the Seattle kicker in Q3. The Cards got one through in the last minute of the quarter. 14-6. Another TD pass, Wilson to Wilson, in Q4 for 21-6. Then an amazing 79 yard run by the ailing Lynch through tackles for 28-6. A pick by Seattle's 25 was returned to the AC 40, and 3 Wilson made a TD run on a bootleg. 35-6, and that was enuf.
Skyfall (2012, Daniel Craig) [20:00, ITV 1HD] Bond burgled, the bad guy got away. Cue a chase and some carnage in Constantinopolis, pratting about on the roof of a train and Bond being shot by another agent when M told her to try to kill the BG, who had an encrypted list of undercover agents embedded in terrorist organizations.
The fall from the bridge into the river and going over the waterfall would have killed a lesser man. M was told she was out of date and had to retire voluntarily. Like Hell! The BG blew up the crappy MI6 building. Bond, rusticating and boozing, went home after seeing a TV report. The new MI6 was in a WW II bunker. Bond's MoT was a bust but he was still approved for duty.
The new Q was a schoolboy? Orf to Shanghai to brawl with a killer, then to Macau. The list had been decrypted and the agents were being put on the Interweb 5 at a time. Orf to a casino to collect the killer's case of cash and collect a new friend. Bond met the hissy freak of a hacker, who ended up locked up in a glass box.
Q's attempts to get the better of the hacker released the hissy freak as M was being patronized by bumptious MPs, who were shot up a bit. Orf for some fun in and under the Tube. Bond strolled off with M as bait. They ended up at the McBond estate, now occupied by Kinkaid, the gillie. Let battle commence!
The hoose got a good seeing to. Good job there was an escape tunnel. Bond had a Mythbusters moment with the propane cylinders. Then it was the old shoot the ice on the frozen lake trick. The hissy freak got what was coming to him eventually and M croaked. So there was a new one, and the lady who shot Bond turned out to be Eve Moneypenny.
[Thursday, 25th] Icetastrophe (2014) [18:00, Syfy+1] Everything's freezing! Oh, crap, here we go, 6 hours earlier. It's Xmas and snowing on Lennox, and an abnormal asteroid is incoming. Dysfunctional family? Check. The town has a new retail complex about to open but the meteorite splits up in mid-air and the blue part lands on Lennox and starts freezing everything.
Ice clumps sprout from the ground. Charlie, our hero, meets Alex (she spotted the asteroid) and that's the 6 hours up. An ice volcano starts chucking ice-lava bombs. Alex thinks extreme heat will stop the sub-atomic chain reaction and the freeze.
She and Charlie chuck dynamite at the freeze-monster and find the other half of the meteorite in an unfrozen area. A piece of it reverses the big freeze! Hooray.
Firequake (2014) [20:00, SyfyHD] Blogger Nikki's father has had a heart attack so she's forced to go and live with Eve, the mom who walked out on the pair of them. Eve is a mad scientist offering pure energy mined from the planet in the Czech Republic. Declan, the scumbag enforcers for the bunch who financed the project, is forcing the gang to get it working and to hell with safety.
Declan threatens to sack everyone if they don't start up the process, then he has to call in Eve when it causes earthquakes and starts to wreck Prague. Declan strands the shut-down team underground, there are fires and quakes everywhere, Declan puts the blame on Eve and stoopid Nikki loses her insulin kit.
Eve decides that flooding a valley is the only way to extinguish the helios fire. She tries to blow up a dam, spied on by news helicopters and chased by Declan. She gets to pull the lever and put out the fire, and two of the trapped techs survive Declan's murder attempt. So Eve becomes a hero in the Czech Republic.
[Friday, 26th] Agatha Quiche and the Raisin of Death [20:30, Sky 1HD] Ag gives up the PR racket to live in the Cotswolds. The new hoose is strangely vast; a Tardis-like interior; and modern for a small village. The locals are weird. Ag decides to win the annual quiche competition, even if it involves cheating. Her house is burgled and the local cops are useless. And she doesn't win the competition because she isn't shagging the local squire, who's the judge.
The squire is found dead next to a poisoned quiche like Ag's. At the inquest, she has to admit buying hers. The only way she can end the hate campaign in the village is to prove that Andy was murdered when the coroner favours an accident. There is a wealth of suspects.
Bill, the useless local bobby, doesn't want to know. Ag cracks the burglary by accident; and finds that the death quiche was more faked than suspected, which pointed her at the widow. Ag drinks the widow's poisoned coffee and nearly gets burnt to the ground. But Bill saves her and she becomes the toast of the village.
Carry on Christmas (1969) [22:25, 5HD] Some of the gang (not Kenneth Williams or Kenneth Connor for instance) + Frankie Howerd did the Scrooge story with Sid James as the man himself and Bernard Breslaw as Bob Scratchit (and a few others). All the old jokes unleashed, lots of which the PC mob would censor these days, with Frank N. Stein and Dracula, Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett, and Cinderella with Frankie as the fairly godmother of the lamp.
[Saturday, 27th] Quadrophenia [21:00, Sky Arts 1HD] A live performance of the rock opera @ Wembley 2013, but with only half of the actual Who, given that the Loon and the Ox are no longer with us. But the absent friends were there in pix behind Pete & Roger. When you consider the old age pensioner status of these guys, you have to admire their stamina if they can keep going for a couple of hours without collapsing at frequent intervals. And a very fine show it was.
[Sunday, 28th] NFL Sunday [17:30, Sky Sports 2] The Chargers @ the Chiefs. The home team opened the scoring with a FG, then sacked Rivers. Bowe almost became the first KC receiver to score a TD this season, but he fumbled the ball into the end zone and a team mate got the TD. 0-10. A 44 yard pass play by Royal got the Chargers to the KC 1. Oliver went in untouched. 7-10.
Rivers was sacked again. Thomas returned the subsequent punt from midfield to the SD 8, but just a FG after that. 7-13. KC added another FG to their tally in the last 2 minutes. 7-16 at half time.
KC kicked a FG 6½ minutes into Q3. 7-19. SD missed a FG try in the last minute of the quarter. KC missed a long FG try 3 minutes into Q4. The Bolts put together a quick drive but a TD pass to Royal was wiped out on review (the ball hit the ground) and SD went out on downs. And that's how their next drive ended.
Houston racked up a 4th sack on Rivers out of a total of 7. Match over by then. The Bolts threw it away in the first half, and the refs failed to call pass interference on the home team in the second half.
Next, the Panthers in Atlanta. The Panthers stalled in the red zone, FG, 3-0 after 7 minutes. Newton continued to run in the next CP drive, which went to a TD pass to Dixon. 10-0. Hester returned the kick off to the CP 38, 40 dropped a TD pass, and the Falcons kicked a FG in Q2. 10-3. The Panthers got nowhere but they managed 2 sacks on Ryan. Then Harper returned an interception for a TD. 17-3. A fumble by White was grabbed by the Panthers and Newton went in for a TD. 24-3.
In Q3, Ryan was sacked again, and again. The Panthers kicked a 48 yard FG for 27-3. They had a pick-6 wiped out by a penalty on the picker. Ryan was intercepted going for a 4th & 5 at the CP 36, great blocking on the way to a TD. 34-3. Lots of time left, but that was it for scoring.
In Green Bay, the home team beat Detroit to win their division.
[Monday, 29th] The Librarians & the Apple of Discord [20:00, SyfyHD] Earthquakes in Japan are dragons with the hump. Flynn returns. The lawyer for the Eastern dragons turns up at the Annex in a human costume. They want their pearl back, or else. They claim the Western dragons stole it. The trainees + Eve have to break in to the Vatican. Fun & games in the basement there, and the trainees take turns to be evil when they have the pearl.
Back at the Annex, there's a conclave of dragons with the boss of the Serpents joining in. Jenkins sorts him out. Flynn arrives with the Apple and suddenly, everything is all right again. Flynn gets Eve transferred to the Annex permanently, leaving him free to hunt for the Library.
Flight of Fury (2007) [21:00, SyfyHD] Special Agent John is about to have inconvenient memories wiped by his ungrateful government when he's helped to stage a gaol-break. Meanwhile, the X-77 stealth plane, which can be invisible to both radar and human eyes, is stolen by Mr. Ratcher, who was trained by John, and delivered to a gang of terrorists in Afghanistan.
John is recaptured and told that the price of his freedom is getting the plane back. Navy SEALs try and are wiped out. So it's down to John and a young hotshot, who doesn't make it. The US Navy is busting a gut to bomb the crap out of the terrorists' air base but John and Ratshit get airborne in time to have a battle.
Natch, John shows that he's the better pilot. Which is just as well, as he's carrying two biological bombs, which could wipe out most of the world.
[Tuesday, 30th] Elementary [21:00, LivingHD] A cop is ambushed and shot dead. Flynn had a toy gun! Swapped in his police locker? No, SH spotted that he was addicted to pain-killers and he'd sold everything, including his guy, to buy them. Worse, some blogger was posting comments made by SH at meetings of his addicts' group. Kitty spotted that the killer had a glass eye.
Flynn had been stealing guns from the police armoury and replacing them with fakes. So his full-dress funeral was cancelled. Another cop was shot. Watson cracked the drug dealer's identity. SH deduced that bad guys planned to raid the armoury during a police funeral and Watson made the furniture connection to explain how the weapons would be shipped.
Urban Justice (2007) [22:00, SyfyHD] A cop is lured into an ambush and killed. Simon, his bad-ass father, takes a cheap room in the city and goes on the rampage, looking for Max's killer. He sorts out local hoods and his son's C.I. points him at the East Side gangsters. Shaw, the detective on the murder case, is in cahoots with truly foul-mouthed negras, some of whom Simon has to flatten.
Shaw puts a tail on Simon. The foul-mouthed negras fail to see off Simon. Shaw & Co. wipe out a drug-dealer rival and grab a bundle of cash. Simon has a turkey-shoot of negras at his digs. Getting shot up a bit doesn't slow him down.
Simon is told that Shaw killed his son. So he gets in the way of a big drug deal and starts a MONSTER battle. Natch, Shaw gets what's coming to him.
[Wednesday, 31st] SNF replay [4oD] The Bengals @ the Steelers. Punt, punt, the kick returned 71 yards by Brown for a PS TD! 0-7. A blown route gave the Steelers an interception but no damage done. The Bengals converted a 4th & 3 as an alternative to trying a 53 yard FG and went on to a hurdling TD for Bernard after a scramble by Dalton. 7-7.
A bad snap gave the ball to the Bengals at the PS 34 and they kicked a 39 yard FG in Q2. 10-7. The Steelers replied in kind half-way through the quarter. 10-all. A bad pass by Dalton was deflected to McCain and returned to the CB 28, and a 21 yard TD pass to Bryant put the Steelers 10-17 ahead. The Steelers reached 'and goal' at the end of the half but had to kick a FG. 10-20.
The Bengals missed a FG try. Bell went off hurt then R'berger was picked. Gresham, playing hurt, went in for a TD in Q4. 17-20. A 59 yard run by Harris was wiped out by holding. The Steelers tried a fake punt but the pass was intercepted. But Green fumbled the ball back to the Steelers and got hurt again.
Brown went 63 yards for a TD on 3rd & 8 despite colliding with PS 10, who was there in case he needed a block. 17-27. Three or so minutes left. Sack for PS 93, 4th & 19 for the Bengals, good night!
Payback (1999) [21:00, ITV 4] Porter, a thief and con-man, whose wife is a junkie hooker, robs some Chinese gangsters. His partner in crime, Val, shoots him and strolls off with all of the cash. So Porter goes after the 70 grand he's owed as his share. Val goes to the Syndicate for help but gets none, so he rats Porter out to the Chinks. Bent cops saved Porter from them because they want his cash.
Val gets dead and Porter goes after the Syndicate bosses, taking out some hit-men along the way. Carter gets it and Fairfax is next. And there's still Big Boss Bronson to go. Porter kidnaps his son and frames the bent cops for Carter's murder. More mayhem!
Porter is maimed by Bronson's thugs and he keeps complaining that he wants 70 grand, not the whole 130 grand from the robbery with Val. Porter appears to give in but Kaboom! No more Syndicate boss and Porter gets away with 130 grand, Rosie and her dog.