2 Fast 2 Furious (2003) is the sequel to The Fast And The Furious. (q.v.) O'Connor, the ex-cop from the previous film is now a boy racer and he's busted in Miami and told he has to connect Carter, a coke importer, with the pile of cash which he plans to take out of the country. O'Connor & Pierce, a black dude with whom he has a lot of history, are told to get jobs as drivers. Lots of slick driving and crashes when they do the audition. Pierce has a lot of attitude and he's constantly mouthing off, and the Customs bloke in charge of the case doesn't like either of them.
   There are bullets for two waiting for the drivers at the end of the line, Carter decides. But his girlfriend is an undercover cop and she warns O'Connor and Pierce. The Customs guy won't hear of calling the operation off and the drivers have two options: go to gaol or get killed. Pierce suggests running off with the cash. Fun & games on the road on the way to deliver the cash, and the cops find themselves swamped by racers when they try to bust O'Connor & Pierce.
   The Feds end up staking out an airfield when Carter is planning to escape by boat. O'Connor & Pierce get the better of their minders but O'Connor decides they have to save the undercover lady cop. So they leap the car onto the boat and things go horribly wrong for Carter. The Feds get most of the cash but Pierce holds back enough to buy a garage for himself and his partner in crime.

2 Guns (2013, Denzel Washington) Two wiseguys case a bank then blow up the diner opposite it. One week earlier: they fail to buy some coke in Mexico and they're grabbed at the border on the way back. Bobby, the black guy, is a DEA undercover aimed at Poppy Greco. He needs to do a bank robbery. Surprise! The motormouth white guy is a US Navy undercover.
   Surprise! The small town bank is crammed with cash; $43 million which crooked CIA agents extorted from drug cartels. Stig shoots Bobby in the shoulder and zooms off with the cash. The Navy does the dirty on him. The CIA scumbags kill Bobby's boss, framing him, and tell him they want their $43M back or else.
   Our heroes head for Mexico. Poppy goes after the dosh. Our heroes have to rob a naval base or Bobby's girlfriend gets it. Bobby blows up the HQ building at the naval base after finding that the cash isn't there and Debbie betrayed him. Poppy shoots her even though only she knows where the cash is. Stig goes to Mexico to killl Poppy having been told by the Admiral that the Navy has disowned him.
   Bobby finds the cash. The naval and CIA BGs, and Bobby, join the party at Poppy's rancho. Shoot, shoot. Bobby blows the cash up and plugs Stig in the leg. Then they walk off into the sunset to set up another robbery of a cartel bank. At the end, Bobby admits he didn't take all of the CIA cash to Mexico.

2 Lava 2 Lantula (2016) They're shooting a crap cop film starring the crap Colton West, whose step-daughter is spending his money in Ford Lauderdale when lava bombs containing lavalantulas shower the city. They're back one year to the day after they attacked L.A.
   West gathers his gang and goes to zap spiders and save Raya and save Florida. Raya and another girl meet two guys from L.A. who have made spider freezers. West messes about in the Everglades and meets Florida's top gator man, who is done in. The army comes to the film set to collect West but he's not there, of course.
   Raya's pal becomes a spider hatchery. One of the guys from L.A. gets it. West arrives in the nick of time for Raya and the other guy. West decides that Miami is being attacked by a gargantulantula! The Air Force tries bombing the spiders. West tells the colonel in charge that he needs to take out the gargantulantula.
   Ammonium phosphate fire retardant of the sort dropped on forest fires will do the job. West hooks up with an ex-fireman who can access a plane. The Air Force craps out when it attack the HUGE spider. The colonel's answer is to nuke Miami.
   West rides down toward the gargantulantula on the payload of zap-dust (in a rip-off of Dr. Strangelove), and the Air Force finishes the creature off. At the end, Raya starts calling her step-father Dad.

3 Days To Kill (2014) The CIA is chasing Wolfgang Braun, who sells nuclear material to terrorists who want to make dirty bombs. One agent is sent to kill the Wolf, another goes after the Albino at an upcoming meeting. The Albino decapitates the female agent with a lift and escapes. The man collapses during his job; brain cancer, 3-5 months left.
   Squatters have stolen Ethan's apartment in Paris. He goes to make peace with his ex-wife and his teenage daughter. Some psycho bitch blonde tells him the CIA wants one more job. Ethan ends up killing a whole roomful of guys. He has to do the PTA thing about his daughter's bad behaviour with a Guido held prisoner.
   Ethan has to be a dad and keep the job going; which involves repeatedly kidnapping Guido and interrogating him in the bathroom at his taken-over apartment. Cue some crazy driving when Ethan takes a shot at the Albino. There's some messing about in the Métro, the Albino tries to decapitate Ethan with a train but he's the one who is run over.
   Ethan still has to kill the Wolf. He has to shoot a lot of bodyguards at a social event attended by both himself and the Wolf and their families. At the end, he refuses to finish the job and makes the psycho bitch have to kill the Wolf. Which leaves him just as dead. Suddenly, it's Xmas.

3 Headed Shark Attack (2015, Rob Van Dam) Lots of babes in bikinis, a show-off goes for a swim. Chomp! The 3-headed shark gets his girlfriend and a pal, too. And leaps out of the water onto a gang of spectators on the beach. Some new recruits arrive at Project Persephone; a vast underwater lab built next to a pile of radioactive garbage to study the mutations it produces. A scruffy Herbert runs into the sea. Chomp!
   Prof. Laura Thomas, who runs the site, thinks science and scruffy activists should go hand in hand. The monster wrecks Persephone. There's no radio due to the radioactive garbage. Evacuate. Kaboom! That's the labs blown up. A few survivors have to swim to a boat. Chomp! No Omar. Chomp! No professor.
   The shark goes after a booze-cruise boat, allegedly driven wild by its garbage wake of empty drinks tins. The shark leaps aboard. Chomp! No crew. The survivors from Persephone spend some time on the boat and collect RVD before it sinks and they have to go back to their own boat. Their engine conks out. Some local gangsters with automatic weapons shoot up the shark a bit. The leader cuts off the middle head. Chomp! Another head gets him and the shark starts growing 3 more heads to replace the middle one!
   The survivors land on an island but find it's small enough for the shark to reach any part of it. Off to sea in 2 more boats. Chomp! Only one left. Brilliant idea; chuck garbage overboard, lead the shark back to the original garbage heap and make it eat itself to death on garbage. RVD loses an arm and chucks himself overboard. Chomp! He proves too much for the shark's delicate digestive system and it croaks.

5-Headed Shark Attack (2017) Off Puerto Rico, birds in bikinis being snapped with a lousy 1-headed shark cruising nearby. Chomp! by a multi-headed shark. 5 humans in a row on a boat. Chomp! The cops consult Dr. Yo, a lady shark expert, at the local aquarium. She sez the last shark attack off Puerto Rico was in 1924. So is a photo of a multi-headed shark real? Not impossible, sez the expert. Not possible, the lady's boss, the guy running the aquarium, sez. Let us hope he's on the chomp list.
   When the cops have gone, the boss tells his staff they have to catch the shark or they'll all be out of a job. Swizz! That shark has only 4 heads. Chomp! minus one assistant. Not that the boss gives a rat's ass about her fate. A fishing boat. Chomp! The cops decide that a warning notice will be okay and a local shut-down isn't necessary.
   Dr. Yo's shark-hunter pal, Red, is called in. Double pay if you catch it alive, sez the aquarium guy. A humpback whale performing for tourists. Chomp! Another assistant. Chomp! Ah! That's where the 5th head is; at the back. It's not going to get much grub back there. Red shoots a tracker harpoon in to the shark. The stoopid cop decides the harpoon killed it. Life is back to normal in the area.
   Ha! A surfer. Chomp! Dr. Yo thinks of using dolphin sounds to drive the shark in to a trap. 2 dumb cops on a boat. Chomp! One dumb cop. The shark takes the explosive bait. Kaboom! Chomp! there's another 5-header to hoover up the bitz and the shark can do a U-bend to put all 5 heads at the front for its share of bitz!
   Both the cop and the hunters have the propeller on their boat wrecked. The aquarium boss harpoons the shark but lets the rope wrap round his leg. Chomp! Get the guns out. A rescue chopper turns up. Chomp! the shark can leap out of the water. Red decides to get tough with the fish and leaps at it with a bomb. Kaboom! Surprise! Red ain't dead!

The 6th Day (2000) Human cloning has been banned in the near future. A $300 million quarterback breaks his neck on the field, a company stooge finishes him off in an ambulance but he will be playing next week! Then it's Adam Gibson's (Arnold Schwarzenberger) birthday so Hank, a mate, takes over the job of flying Mr. Drucker, the boss of a firm which clones pets and body parts, to a snowboarding resort; where someone starts shooting.
   Adam, who refused to have the dying family dog cloned, arrives home with a present for his daughter, only to find that Natalie, his wife, has had the dog cloned and he's already there at the birthday party!
   Drucker's hit squad goes after him because he was cloned by mistake. So lots of shooting and crazy driving until Adam takes a dive into a river after his car. Human cloning might be illegal, and religious groups protesting against cloning pets & body part, but it's going on. The quarterback is a clone, and so are the hit-persons; when they're written off, they're replaced.
   Adam takes Hank to see his other self but he can't kill the clone. The wife of Dr. Weir, who does the cloning, is dying; mainly because his boss, Mr. Drucker, had defective genes put in her cloned body as a means of keeping the doctor under control. The quarterback has the same deal; don't be greedy in contract negotiations and you get a non-defective body.
   Hank is killed by a religious nutter, who killed Drucker, who now has a cloned body. As clones have no rights, Drucker will do anything to cover up what happened, including killing Adam.
   Dr. Weir's wife refuses to be cloned again. Adam infiltrates Drucker's building and gets proof that cloning is going on, so his family is grabbed. Adam teams up with his clone to fight back; and learns that he's really the clone.
   The original Adam & the clone have a long fight with security and blow up the cloning lab. Drucker is shot and reincarnated in an unfinished clone, which is written off eventually. When all the dust settles, the Adam clone is found not to have a defective gene, so he's okay to live an independent life.

10th & Wolf (2006) Ex-Marine (dishonourable discharge, disillusioned by first Gulf War) Tommy comes from a Mafia family and his father was gunned down like a dog. The Feds want him to get the mobster Reggio in exchange for his cousin Joey, who is a mobster. 7 years before, Tommy, his brother Vincent and Joey were great pals and brawling with other jerk-offs. Joey's dad was Mob-murdered like Tommy's. Joey screwed up the revenge murder.
   Back in the present, Tommy returned to the old 'hood in Philly. Joey was a big shot and Vincent was working for him. Tommy tried to quit the job but the Feds told him he needed to look after Vincent and wear a wire. The junior gangsters behaved like assholes and got what was coming to them. Reggio ended up dead, and the boss Fed failed to blackmail Tommy into doing another job for him.

10.0 Earthquake (2014) There are little earthquakes in L.A. and a standard dysfunctional family. The husband works for a fracking company where things go 'orribly wrong and some blokes die. Emily, a new young lady doctor, starts work at the USGS office in L.A.; where there's just her and an obligatory black doctor to field all the calls about earthquakes.
   Are they really going to evacuate L.A.? The fracking company is blamed for making the entire L.A. basin unstable. Big cracks open up everywhere, buildings fall down and the dysfunctional parents are chased by cracks in the L.A. river channel. The USGS building comes down on the black guy, but a wise older bloke takes Emily in hand.
   A police lieutenant recognizes the wise older bloke as a catastrophe nutter, who has been predicting them every other week. The nutter suggests blowing up Long Beach to create a big catastrophe to prevent the bigger one of destroying the whole of L.A.
   Meanwhile, the rogue driller is still at it. His operation is taken over to make sure that the catastrophe nutter's plan works. And the dysfunctional parents don't get a divorce.

12 Disasters (2012) Calvary (Alberta, Canada?) is in terminal decline, the mine has closed down, there's lots of opposition to Mr. Kane's plan to build a megamarket and it's heading for Xmas. The town is hit by ice spikes from the sky. Daisy's grandma is killed and her crazy grandpa thinks the ring he gave her will save the world from the 12 Disasters of Xmas forecast by the Mayans.
   In fact, Daisy and her family have to collect 4 more gold rings, which were stashed around the town. An energy barrier forms around it and crashes rescue helicopters. Daisy stops a freezing cloud, which does for grandpa, and that turns out to be the 7th disaster; 5 to go.
   Kane goes crazy, kills the sheriff and tells the townsfolk that they have to sacrifice Daisy. There's an encounter at the mine and Daisy's dad is too stoopid to take Kane's gun after zapping him. So Kane just picks it up when he wakes up.
   Movies 24 went off to some adverts at this point — and the end credits were rolling when we got back. So no end to the film shown. Digital TV channels! What a load of rubbish they are.

XIII: Conspiracy The lady president was done in by a long-range sniper and the assassin got away. The investigators decided that it was a special ops job and political. A guy on a parachute was rescued from a tree in N. Dakota. He had amnesia. Bad guys shot up the house and killed his rescuers. Homeland Security thought that the assassination and subsequent attacks in America were aimed at putting a hardliner in the White House.
   The man with no name's only lead was a photo. He also had an encrypted data stick. Meanwhile, his people were trying to bring in XIII (everyone had a Roman numeral tattoo). He started remembering and found that the Secret Service was chasing him. XIII was bagged for interrogation but escaped. Then the NSA grabbed him.
   XIII was an undercover agent surgically altered to look like Steve Rowland the soldier in the photograph. XIII kept being grabbed only to escape. Surprise! The Sec. of Defence was planning a nuclear outrage in the USA. XIII phoned the traitor at the White House to telling he was coming for him. He started remembering more, the conspiracy unravelled and the bad guys were popped. But the film ended with the flavour of the pilot for a series as XIII realized that there was a lot more to uncover.

13th Warrior, The (1999) is based on the book Eaters of the Dead by Michael Crichton. A poet from Baghdad falls in with some Vikings in the land of the Tartars and gets roped in to fight a terror which cannot be named a savage tribe with a leader in a bear head-dress, which lives in a vast underground cave system, collects heads and destroys everything in sight above ground. But killing the boss female and the chief soon sorts them out.

16 Blocks (2006, Bruce Willis) Jack, a boozy, broken-down old detective, almost unrecognizable at BW as he has hair, is given the job of moving a prisoner to court to make a statement. He has 118 minutes to go 16 blocks. Jack stops for a bottle and dirty cops try to kill the witness. Frank, his ex-partner, tells Jack that the prisoner is about to testify against their gang of dirty cops. The prisoner has to get to the court by 10 a.m. and the local precinct captain is in on the plot. Cue a rip-off of The Gauntlet q.v.
   The witness is a stereotype black guy who won't shut up. Jack doesn't shoot him; he busts a gut to do his job and evade the dirty cops, who have as much rabbit as the witness. After some fun in New York's Chinatown, Jack and the witness get on a bus, which is crashed by the dirty cops and surrounded by SWAT. Jack sheds the passengers, with the prisoner among them, but he comes back to the bus.
   Jack drives away in the wrecked bus with flat tyres, and escapes when it gets stuck in an alley. He whistles up his sister, an EMT, to plug a bullet-hole in the witness, then puts him on a bus for Seattle, where the guy has a sister he's never seen. Frank tries to have Jack taken out when he goes to the court Jack manages to shop all of the dirty cops to the ADA, including himself, and he offers up a recording of Frank shooting his mouth off about killing someone. Afterwards, the ex-witness sends him a cake from the bakery which he opened in Seattle.

40 Days & Nights (2012) Surf's up in the Sahara desert and a magastorm is going to drown the planet. The US military has a plan to save a DNA database but it gets stuck on a train in Colorado and the 2 women sent to get it bog up. There's an experimental Ark but the power generation system doesn't work.
   The lieutenant in charge of the turbines has to go to Illinois and steal one by stealth. The 2 women manage to save only enough stuff to keep mankind going for 2 years. Then they have to round up some honey bees. In a fit of pique, the Admiral, who's a bit of a turd, boots out one of the only 2 guys who can make the power system work.
   The sea starts lapping the suburbs of mile-high Denver but we are never told where all that water came from. The Ark has to bash its way out of the hanger, and use sails when the turbines croak. Then it gets stuck between 2 mountain peaks and it has to be blasted loose! The storm ends on Day 40, but there's nowhere for all that water to go.

47 Ronin (2013) Why 47? Well, it is a prime number. A mysterious kid with demon powers turned up as a mutilated refugee from something horrible. Kai was given shelter by a warlord with the inevitable daughter. There were big monsters around and upstarts like Lord Kira, ready to claim the credit for the one Kai killed. There was also a witch, Kira's mistress, who could turn herself into an odd-eyed dingo.
   The interloper had to be humbled, of course. The witch poisoned the girl's father, made him attack Kira and the warlord had to be sliced and diced on the emperor's orders. The daughter, Mika, was given a year to mourn before she'd be married off to Lord Kira, the warlord's samurai became ronin, forbidden to avenge their master and Kai was sold into slavery.
   Kira released the head samurai/ronin, Oishi, a year later. He rounded up the rest of the gang and Kai provided demon swords. They ran into an ambush staged by the witch but they infiltrated Kira's fortress with a band of strolling players.
   Kai did battle with the witch serpent and saw her off. Kira got a bit cut up and his head was put on display to prove he was a loser. Mika's dad was declared avenged, and the ronin were made samurai again so they could do a mass suicide and be buried around their dead master.

100 Degrees Below Zero (2013) Another Icelandic volcano blows off. Then volcanoes all around Europe join in. Europe disappears under a hugh ash cloud, which will remain for a couple of years, the experts conclude. So that's it for Europe and those who can have to get out. Meanwhile, polar ice is melting to drown the coastal cities. And there are lots of earthquakes, including an R8.4 in Paris.
   Operation Down Under is taking all NATO personnel to Australia. So we have Professor Steve struggling to get from England to Paris to link up with his kids, who are at the mercy of the thieving locals as the temperature drops and drops. They also have to contend with jobsworth French soldiers.
   The Prof. saved the life of a NATO Colonel, who is willing to fly the family out if they can get to the pick-up point in time. Natch, they manage it. Not a word about repairing the planet and saving Europe with some technical miracle.

100 Million BC (2008) Great title but what's a BC and how big a heap would 100 million of them make?
   A girl doing rock climbing slips and finds rock paintings and a dinosaur skull. A top search & rescue team is drafted to LA. A former child prodigy tells them about US wartime invisibility experiments, which led to time travel. Frank wants to rescue his elder brother, who's been stuck in the past for the last 59 years. The rock climbers found a message from his brother! Saying Frank's not to blame.
   Frank's Rainbow device will open a wormhole in time. One of the team ends up half-in, half-out of a tree on arrival 70 million years in the past. Both the plants and the wildlife are hostile and consider humans fair game. The earlier travellers have been there for just 6 years, so his brother looks a hell of a lot younger than Frank. He thinks the life he has is a hell of a lot better than the one he left behind after the war.
   Most of the party are eaten. Someone has to stay behind to close the wormhole and Frank is determined to do it. Unfortunately, a huge carnivorous dino gets through after the brother and a female companion. Lots of messing about in a city at night with helicopters doing dino-spotting.
   One of the hunters decides the best thing to do is trap the dino in the Third Street Tunnel. Frank reappears as a much younger self, having done a lot of wandering in time. And his brother goes back into the past to close off the wormhole there.

300 (2006) is a cross between a film and a graphic novel, which explains the two-dimensional characters. King Leonidas has upset the Persians by refusing to offer the god-king Xerxes token submission. But when the Persians arrive in Greece, he runs up against diseased old mystics, who have been bribed by the Persians to insist that the Spartan army stays at home for a religious festival. So the king takes a stroll to the north with a bodyguard of 300 of the best soldiers.
   The Hunchback of Notre Dame tries to join up but the king rejects him as not up to being part of the shield wall, while hoping that the Persians don't find the mountain path which will let them outflank the Spartans.
   The Spartans beat off the first Persian attack with blood spurting in cartoon slow motion. Hooo-ya! Xerxes, who's about 2 feet taller than Leonidas, tries to bribe him. The Persian Immortals step up to the plate; and get their asses kicked. Hooo-ya! In fact, the whole Persian army takes a licking. Hooo-ya!
   At home, the Queen tries to do a deal with a scumbag, stay-at-home politician to mobilize the army. The hunchback betrays the Spartans and the Arcadians, their allies, flee. No retreat, no surrender for the Spartans. Hooo-ya! The Queen tries to shame the council into sending the army to support their king but the scumbag does the dirty on her, so he ends dead, like the 300.
   A year later, the demoralized barbarian Persian invaders face getting their asses kicked by outnumbered but free Greeks at Plataea. Hooo-ya!

500 MPH Storm (2013) NASA and a corporate suit are going to save the world with cheap, clean energy. But the gadget shoots a big hole in the ozone layer and triggers massive tornadoes. Nathan, one of the guys who built the misused gadget, is heading for caves to hide when he gets an urgent recall message from Simon at the project.
   He has to help with fixing the gadget before it melts down. Even if he has to drive through a tornado. The stoopid son nearly gets mom killed by a twister. Nathan comes up with a solution but he still has to get to the Apollo station. He gets a National Guardsman to phone the data through but the beam fails to zap the storm.
   Simon kills himself trying to make the stoopid gadget work. The three members of Nathan's family get the right data for the beam and the world is saved!! But the core goes critical. Not even cockroaches will survive if it blows. But Nathan comes up with another fix; turn the beam back on and zap it with a missle.

633 Squadron (1964) was considered a bit of a classic when it is released, and it has a good theme tune, like The Dambusters. But looking past the spectacle of all those World War 2 Mosquitos flying around, and being criminally vandalized, the plot is rather sily. The Germans have a plant making 'rocket fuel' in Norway and it's the only one in the world.
   Fine. Except that the V1 rocket plane ran on paraffin and the V2 rocket used ethanol and liquid oxygen all of which are readily available from places other than Norway. And after zapping the factory, the two surviving Mossies fly back along the fjord, run the gauntlet of anti-aircraft guns again when they could have taken a safe route home, and are wiped out. Crazy. 10/10 for the planes, 0/10 for the plot.

2001: A Space Travesty (2000, Leslie Nielsen) Terrorists are taken out in true Police Squad! style. Then Marshall Dick meets the lady in charge of Alien Affairs. Aliens have kidnapped the president and put a clone in the White House. Dick is sent to the Moon to find the president. Fun with a zero-g meal on the way. The Moon is full of aliens, some of them exploding.
   Dick's quiet burgling goes noisily. Cassandra is kidnapped. Dick arrests Dr. Pratt, who takes Dick to where Slick Willy is stashed. Cassandra takes out the scumbag bad guys. Surprise! There has been no swap, so when Dick does one, there's a clone in the White House.
   Dick has to put the real president back in place, which happens at a major musical event in Paris. One Willy is swapped for another. Then it's back to work in the good old US of A for Dick.

2012: Ice Age (2011) is another mind-blowingly daft sciffy film. A massive chain of volcanoes goes off under an Arctic glacier, huge chunks of ice bombard Canada and our hero is advised to get his family out of New York because the glacier is travelling south and freezing the east coast of the United States.
   US jets fire missles at a flying iceberg and wreck the city under it with the debris. "Everything's going to be okay," sez our hero just before he, his wife and his son have a massive car wreck. The airforce goes nuclear and just makes everything infinitely worse as our hero struggles to get to New York, where his daughter and her boyfriend are messing about.
   The family survived being car-jacked by a nutter and takes to the air; straight into an ice storm. The US military plants lots more explosives on the freakin' huge glacier, which is travelling at 200 mph!! The plane crashes at Newark. The glacier is blown to hell and New York get the bits.
   The son tracks his sister's phone to New Jersey, where's she's collected. Dad then goes for a drive on the Hudson River. The family takes refuge at the Statue of Liberty, which ends up buried up to its armpits in ice! Daft sciffy, or what!

2012: Supernova (2003) One went off in the Lyra constellation 200 years ago and stuff started falling out of the sky on Earth when the particle wave began to arrive. Our hero, Prof. Ryan Kelvin, headed for 'The Base' with his wife & daughter, only to be ambushed by what looked like 2 guys from a drug cartel, who were taken out by Security. There was a plan to launch nukes in space to create a shield for some of the gamma radiation and help out Earth's magnetic field.
   A particle burst destroyed the last shuttle, leaving the shield short of nukes. Someone was trying to sabotage the mission at The Base and Mrs. Kelvin and her daughter went home for some stuff, instead of going to The Base with Ryan, and ended up in all sorts of bother with bad guys, earthquakes, lightning storms and a tornado.
   Dr. Kelvin, the drunken Russian and the stroppy Chinese expert were launched to a space platform, where the Chinese nutter killed the Russian and tried, but failed, to take out Kelvin, who launched the nukes and managed to make it back to Earth on the shuttle just before the space platform was destroyed.

10,000 BC (2008) Primitive tribesmen go mammoth hunting, hoping to win the White Spear and Evdet. Maleh does it, more or else by accident, and doesn't think he deserves to. Snow & slavers on horses arrive and leave with prisoners and Evdet. 3 hunters go after them, and a pushy kid. They reach a tropical zone beyond the mountains and get chased by dinosaurs.
   They meet some Africans, who expect them to lead the tribe to the mountains and the Gods and freedom. But the whole gang gets lost in a desert. They're captured by pyramid-builders, for whom the slavers work. The slaves start a stampede of mammoths in a revolt. Maleh slays the leader of the pyramid-builders, proving he isn't a god. Big Battle. Evdet is killed but comes back to life when the ancient matriarch of her tribe croaks back home.

30,000 Leagues Under The Sea (2004) is a cute rip-off of the title of Jules Verne's story with 50% more mileage. A US nuclear-armed sub, the Scotia, finds a bogey in the Marianas Trench as it's grabbed by a giant squid. A deep sea rescue craft is sent after it because Lt. Michael, the captain, has an oxgenator gadget. Unfortunately, the admiral puts his stroppy ex-wife in charge of the expedition.
   Thanks to her cost-cutting, the rescue sub reaches the Scotia almost out of oxygen. Everyone passes out, and wakes up on Captain Nemo's Nautilus. He's as big a control freak as the ex-wife. He claims there's no one alive on the Scotia and he's only after Mike's oxygenator. He needs it to revive the lost continent of Mu.
   Another sub arrives and Nemo sets his squids on it. Nemo uses a pheromone-based brain-washing method. Mike, the ex-wife and a few others manage to get back to the rescue sub as Nemo prepares to launch the Scotia's nuclear missiles.
   Mike & Co. have to use the Scotia to escape. Mike uses his oxygenator to take out the Nautilus, but the ex-wife has stolen all of Nemo's plans. And Scotia rejoins the fleet with most of the crew intact.

100 Million BC (2008) A couple looking for caves find one containing graffiti proving that a team sent into the past by the US navy's Project Rainbow in 1949 survived the trip. Frank, the head boffin, had been trying for 59 years to rescue his brother Eric, who was stranded 70 (not 100) million years in the past. His interface looked very cheapskate compared to a stargate, but it sent an expedition back to where it could be eaten by flying dinosaurs.
   The expedition was rescued by Eric and his other cavemen. They had been surviving for 6 years. About half of the useless troops were eaten. Frank had to stay behind to close the portal behind Eric & the rest. Dozy sod! He let a big, nasty carnivor through into the 21st century. It rampaged around L.A. at night and, being cold-blooded, couldn't be tracked by infrared gadgets on helicopters.
   Eric decided to trap it in the 3rd Street tunnel. But Frank, who had been messing about with the time line, returned to send the creature back where it came from. Then he sent the survivors back to 1950 to pick up their interrupted lives.

Abominable (2006) There's something big and lethal lurking in the night. Preston, in a wheelchair after surviving a climbing accident which killed his wife, returned to the cabin on the mountain with Otis, a minder. A gang of giggly girls moved in across the way. Preston was sure there was something "out there". Otis thought he was nuts and didn't believe the 5 girls had become 4.
   Three good ol' boys went out hunting the Sasquatch, one found the missing girl but everyone ended up dead. It's not Big Foot, sez an expert, it's more like the Abominable Snowman; vicious and deadly. Preston, doing his Rear Window thing, saw another girl grabbed. Otis thought he was just making stuff up to get off the mountain.
   The monster attacked the girls in their cabin. Amanda made it across to Preston's place, where she found Otis unconscious with a hypodermic in his neck; he'd tried to give Preson a calming injection. Preston set a trap for the monster but it didn't work.
   Otis got his face bitten off after driving an axe into the monster's back. Amanda survived going through a windscreen. Preston reversed the car into the monster and splatted it against a tree. But when the cavalry arrived to scrape up the bodies, there was no sign of the monster. But they could hear it.

The Abominable Dr Phibes (1971) Crazy old Dr Phibes has a small band of mechanical musicians. At night, he and his crazy assistant go out setting their collection of vampire bats on people. Natch, Phibes plays the cinema organ. He has other amusing ways of killing people. The police commissioner doesn't think they are crimes or connected, to Inspector Trout's frustration.
   Trout finds that someone is killing the surgical team which failed to save Mrs Phibes' life. Trout thinks the ashes in Phibes' coffin belongs to his chauffeur (there was a crash and a fire). The wife's coffin is empty. Will Trout save any of the nine?
   No. 8 fails to notice that she's being covered in sprout juice so that locusts can turn her head into a skull and make her look like Phibes when he eventually unmasks himself. The surgeon has to save his son from an acid drip; the mad assistant gets it instead. Phibes joins his wife in her crypt, and fills himself full of embalming fluid. Inspector Trout is left baffled.

Above The Law (1988) is the first of Steven Seagal's string of martial arts movies. It starts in Vietnam in 1973, where Nico quits a special operations team because he doesn't like Mr. Zagon of the CIA torturing prisoners. Cut to 1988. Nico is now a tough cop who beats people up and harasses relatives if they don't do what he says. He chases down a drug dealer but the bust turns into a shambles, the payload is military explosives, not drugs, and the FBI lets the bad guys walk because they're working with an unnamed government agency and untouchable.
   Nico's local church has refugees in the basement and someone is trying to get at them. A woman plants a bomb there and kills one of the priests – the wrong one. Nico goes after Sylvano, the drug dealer, because he saw him in the church with the woman. A senator is fixing to expose drug trafficking by the CIA. The bad guys go after Nico, so he sends his family to safety and goes after the bad guys.
   Zagon is planning to kill the Senator. When Nico busts in while he's questioning the right priest, Zagon puts Nico's female Hispanic partner in hospital and also plugs his grey-haired cop pal. Nelson, Nico's old buddy from Vietnam, turns up with a warning and Nico tells him the CIA ain't above his law. So he takes out all the bad guys, saves the senator and blows the whistle on what the CIA really does.
   Your TV needs to be well stocked up with bullets for this one!

Absolute Power (1997) Clint Eastwood is a burglar with an interest in fine art. He is disturbed on a job and hides in a vault with a see-through mirror on the door. He watches the lady of the house romp with her bloke, stab him in the arm with a paperknife when he gets rough and be shot to death by his bodyguards. They stage a buglary after doing a clean-up job and Clint is daft enough to let them see him making his escape. He takes the bloodstained knife, which the bodyguards were daft enough to drop.
   Clint tells his estranged daughter that he's leaving. Kate doesn't care. The police are highly suspicious when they find the crime scene hoovered, the position of the body all wrong and the other forensic not making sense. Shock horror!! The killer is the President of the United States!! Who was put into the job by the husband of the woman he killed!!!
   The police don't believe the burglar story. The husband, a senator, buys a hit-man. The cop in charge of the case homes in on Clint, who offers some pointers on how the crime was committed. After seeing the President weeping crocodile tears on TV, he decides not to go on the run. He takes a tour of the White House, suitably disguised, and leaves a blackmail note.
   The Secret Service are planning to kill the burglar. The head cop takes Kate, a state prosecutor, to see her old man's home, and she sees her history in photographs. She eventually agrees to be bait in a trap for him but the SS snipers make a bog of the kill. He sends Miss Russell, the president's chief of staff, a polaroid of the paperknife. The president decides he wants Kate whacked, too, because prosecutors ask questions.
   Kate's car is pushed over a cliff by the SS but she survives. So the SS send their psycho-killer to the hospital. But he gets the needle. Clint then returns the loot from the robbery and tells the senator who the real killer is. Miss Russell is busted and the senator goes to see the president, who commits suicide.

Absolute Zero (2005) This daft sciffy film boots the Global Warming Swindlers into touch! The Earth's magnetic field is weakening and our hero thinks it will drop to zero on the way to a reversal quite soon, not in 200 years' time. A gang at the south pole find evidence of a past, very sudden freeze, then extreme weather overtakes them before they can get data to their pushy boss.
   Miami is freezing and crabs are being caught frozen solid! David, the planet-saver, thinks an ice age could start in a single day because when the magnetic field reaches zero, the temperature will drop to -273 deg.C, or Absolute Zero! The pushy boss sees this as an opportunity to screw cash out of the government, so David quits.
   An iceberg arrives in the harbour and Miami is hit by hurricane winds. The pushy boss gets himself stuck in a lift for a while. David and his gang have to take shelter in a lab to avoid the freeze. The pushy boss doesn't make it. Everything between 33 degrees north and 33 degrees south freezes and the poles heat up. Like that could happen!

Act of Valor (2012) A terrorist bomb at an international school in SE Asia. Then murder and abduction of a CIA agent in Costa Rica. A Russian mobster called Kristo has her. He's connected to Chabal, a Chechen terrorist, who bombed the school. A Special Forces team is sent to retrieve the prisoner, who's being tortured. A lot of bad guys are written off in the process.
   The Russians have created suicide vests of mass destruction with ceramic shrapnel, which will pass through metal detectors. The plan is to cripple the US economy by exploding them in public places. Chabal wants to quit the terror business, to Kristo's disgust.
   The SF guys work out that Kristo, the smuggler, will be used to get the vests into the USA to kill Americans. They watch the bad guys up to no good and Chabal's boat is busted by Seals. He's shown a picture of his daughter so he coughs up the news about the undetectable suicide vests and 16 Jihadis.
   The plan is to use drug cartel tunnels from Mexico to the US. So it's Special Forces against scumbag terrorists and the cartel sheltering them. One of the Seals does the old "dive onto a grenade to save your buddies" trick. More Seals die heroically. Lots of bad guys are wiped out. And Kristo is blown away.

The Adjustment Bureau (2010, Philip K. Dick story) Dave Norris wants to be the next senator for New York, he's 10 points ahead in the polls then he's exposed in a tabloid and put out of contention. So it's up to 4 Stooges to get things back on track. Dave meets a lady in the gents, then he does the first honest speech of his life. He meets Elise again by chance on a bus despite the best efforts of the Stooges.
   At his new job, Dave finds everyone frozen and the Stooges and their minions messing about with people. They are adjusting things back to the Plan. Which includes burning Elise's phone number. One of the Stooges tells Dave that if he talks about what he's seen, he'll be reset.
   3 years later, Dave finds Elise again. He's running for the Senate again, and beats the Stooges' attempts to keep him from Elise. The Stooges find that Dave and Elise were supposed to be together but the plan changed. One of the Stooges tells Dave that he has to be president but if Elise stays with him, her glittering career will be destroyed. So they split up.
   A stooge with a bit of a conscience gives Dave a break. He outflanks the gang of Stooges and Elise chooses to go with him. So that's the Plan down the tubes. Rewrite! Then some BS about free will.

Aeon Flux (2005) A virus killed 99% of the population in 2011, then there was a cure and the Goodchilds took charge of the last city for 400 years. But there are rebels fighting to overthrow a government which makes people disappear. Our hero is a super-ninja lady, whose sister has been disappeared. She's ordered to take out the surveillance system. Next job: kill Trevor Goodchild, who knows her.
   Trevor's brother is behind the hit. Everyone in the city is having dreams about things that never happened. The society is sick and Trevor is trying to cure it. The council decides that he must be removed for shagging the captured assassin, Aeon. The resistance orders Aeon's death and gives the job of killing Trevor to Cassandra, her partner. But Cassy is really Freya, Trevor's ally.
   Trevor cloned everybody because the vaccine against the plague made everyone sterile. So new people are, in fact, just clones. Trevor has been looking for a cure and the cloning wasn't supposed to be permanent. Una got pregnant, however, and had a baby. The council's members don't want to go back to the old ways. Natch, there's a huge shoot-out and the ones who want to live forever don't manage it.

Age of Dinosaurs (2013) A mad scientist trying to make dinosaurs wipes out a bunch of staff in Japan (but doesn't tell the boss). There is lots of security when the boss shows off some dinos in L.A. One of them gets cranky and breaks out of its cage. Panic! SWAT arrives. 16 dinos have escaped.
   A fireman kills one of them to protect his daughter, who gets herself locked in what looks like a big microwave. The boss is told about the deaths in Japan, so the mad scientist is fired. Dinos chomp everyone they can catch. They break out of the building and rampage in L.A.
   The fireman and his daughter drive off in their car, which promptly runs out of gas. Uncle Will distracts a dino by being eaten. Mall mania! Choppers arrive to zap dinos and smash tall buildings to bitz. Lots more people are kilt, but it's a happy ending for the fireman and his daughter on the HOLLYWOOD sign.

Age of Dragons (2011) is Moby Dick retold with the Pequod a land-cruiser and Ahab hunting for the Great White Dragon in a very murky, colourless world with occasional colourful flashbacks to happier times. Ishmael & Queequod sign up for a dragon hunt, the object of which is to recover valuable pouches of vitriol from the beasts.
   Ahab can't venture out into the daylight without a mask, having been scorched by the Great White. He vows to triple the profit of the man who first spots it. Mr. Stubb is scorched to death so Rachel, Ahab's ward, says she'll take over his harpoon crossbow.
   The gang bushwhack a gang of dragons in the frozen mountains but Ahab abandons their vitriol to chase the Great White. Queequeg decides he's going to die soon and Ishmael is put in chains for being a mutinous dog. Ahab loses his crew one by one.
   Starbuck, the mate, attacks Ahab and ends up dead. Ishmael has to help Ahab attack the dragon in its lair. Rachel finds out that Ahab, not the Great White, killed her father. Ahab kills Queequeg and then the dragon flies off with Ahab and the grey gloom transforms into brilliant, natural colour with Ahab gone.

Age of Ice (2014) A monstrous earthquake plunges Egypt into an ice age. A bunch of inept locals, some westerners including the inevitable 'orrible kid, and a Jordanian guy with a rich father head for what they think is an evacuation point on the Red Sea.
   Will any of them get there? Or will their stupidity kill all of them, especially the 'orrible kid? The most stoopid are picked off as they progress through the frozen wasteland, the kid falls down the side of a snowed-in pyramid without damage (boo!), the whittled down few survive a crumbling dam and suddenly, they're out of the cold zone and about to be rescued.

A Good Day To Die Hard (2013) is a total swindle. With a title like that, you'd expect Klingons right off. Not a one in it. Instead, all you get is Wimpy Willis; remember him? The tough-guy hero, who was too scared to get on a plane after 9/11 in case it was hijacked by towel-heads and crashed into a tall building? Nope, no Klingons, all you get is old Wimpy faffing about, wrecking stuff and shooting off millions of bullets and pretending to be a superhero when he should be in a auld folks' home. Kapla!
   There's some usual political corruption going on in Russia. Our hero looks at least 128 years old. His daughter tells him not to make things worse by going to Moscow for the show trial. He sees an explosive rescue of Yuri, the prisoner, in progress. Jack McClane is involved and he tells his dad to get out of the way.
   So John McClane wrecks half the vehicles in Moscow whilst on the phone to his daughter. Then he walks away from a major crash caused by his stoopid driving. His son has to collect the old idiot. BGs attack the hideout and McClane shoots 50 million of them. The rescue becomes betrayal, shambles and lots of shootin'.
   A helicopter gunship casually shoots up a building in the middle of Moscow, like they do. There's a file about Chernobyl in the wind. Bad news for a top government guy; who staged the show trial. Next job for the McClanes: steal a car full of guns and head for Chernobyl. The radioactive one.
   The guys in lead suits enter the danger zone. The BGs are after a stockpile of weapons-grade uranium. The swindling politician gets a bit choked to death after Yuri phones him. Jack doesn't realize that Yuri is a BG, who's going after the uranium. Bald John isn't fooled.
   Jack realizes there never was a file. John wrecks the gunship a bit. John throws Yuri off a building. Yuri's daughter completes the wrecking job with a suidice dive in the gunship but misses the McClanes. Boooo!!

Air America (1990, Mel Gibson, Burt Kwouk) The Americans aren't really in Laos, sez President Nixon, but as the Viet Cong are, they have to be. A wiseguy chopper pilot, Billy, get his licence suspended in the US so he's recruited to an outfit in Laos which supplies the natives with rice and pigs from the air, and also gets up to money-making schemes.
   Billy gets an orientation flight from Gene, an old hand, as Senator Davenport arrives on a fact-finding junket. Gene is running guns as his retirement plans and Air America is delivering opium for General Soong, who wants a Holiday Inn in California.
   Billy is shot down with Soong's cargo aboard. The general sends a rescue plane; for his opium. The other pilots rescue Billy and his co-pilot one jump ahead of the Commies. Gene & Billy are shot down but Gene gets them back to his wife & family. Then he decides to sell up and get out.
   The Senator is looking for a fall-guy for the drug trade. Billy has some fun with grenades in the general's lab and the boss tries to set him up. Gene rescues him; then he has to save the lady at the refugee camp. She wants to take her refugees along, so Gene has to dump his guns. So he sells the plane as his retirement plan.

Airline Disaster (2010) Starquest, the world's most fuel-efficient advanced airliner, is about to go on its maiden flight with some obvious bad guys aboard. More of them grab the pilot's family; he's the lady president's brother. They're all a bunch of nice American Nazis. A lady Secret Service agent hides in the plane's cargo hold.
   The terrorists want 10 of their guys out of gaol. One of the kidnapped kids escapes, but not for long. One of the bozos on the plane shoots out the autopilot and it nearly lands in downtown somewhere. The shooting starts; 2 passengers and a terrorist.
   The US military bogs up taking over the plane with a satellite. The Feds go after the kidnappers on the ground and bog it up. The head bad guy on the plane is really after a courier with $150 million in bonds but the secret agent in the hold sabotages his plan.
   Robert is planning to bale out and blows off the cargo door; and himself. The President orders the plane shot down, but it has an anti-missile system. An attack with a satellite laser is a total disaster. The Feds release the prisoners on the ground and the special agent shoots all of the hijackers.
   The plane heads for Dulles airport, but the useless pilot wrecks the Washington Monument and splashes down in the Potomac instead.

A Knight's Tale (2001, Heath Ledger) is a rather cheesy comedy rags to servant to top dog to pillory to top dog again tale. William, son of a Thatcher, becomes a squire at the age of 9½. When his master croaks unexpectedly, he takes his place and wins a tournament. Then he persuades his chums, Roland and Wat, go help him train in knightly arts to make cash at more tournaments.
   They meet Chaucer, an unknown writer at that point, and persuade him to forge documents to "prove" that William is of noble birth. The newly created Sir Ulrich von Liechtenstein goes on to jousting success and pays off Chaucer's debts. The gang makes money out of betting on William but when he falls in love, the finances are imperilled. And when the gang returns to England, the wheels come right off.
   William's great rival exposes him as the humble son of a blind thatcher, and he ends up in the pillory in disgrace. But, luckily for William, he made a friend of the Black Prince during his jousting days and Prince Edward makes him a knight. So he can take part in the jousting world championships and knock the stuffing out of his rival.

Alex Cross (2012) is the touchy-feely detective cum psychologist created by James Patterson. Cross decides to take a job with the FBI for more money when his wife announces that she's pregnant again. But there's a psycho, ex-services killer loose in Detroit doing mutilation and murder. And Picasso-style drawings in charcoal. He fancies himself as a bit of a Rambo and able to sneak past the tightest security system.
   He strolls in after a target protected by the local cops and gets away from Cross with ease. The killer phones Cross and then plugs the pregnant wife, making things more personal. Cross goes off the reservation and gets help from a major crook. Natch, the pissant killer is way smarter and faster than Cross.
   But Cross is the main character so enjoy your plunge down onto a car, pal. Then Cross gets the French embezzler, who nipped off to Thailand and set the serial killer in motion, busted for drug dealing, knowing the penalty for doing that there is a date with a firing squad.

Alien Hunter (2003) Start in Roswell in 1947. Where else? Antarctica, 1998: there's something under the ice, 6 metres long by 3 wide. Not a fossil whale; it's emitting a radio signal. Prime numbers, sez an expert in the States. The object is clearly an alien artefact. Our hero is a SETI alien hunter only SETI is being run down.
   The boffins decrypt a 'do not open' warning too late. Kaboom! There's organic technology and something nasty inside the capsule; an alien parasite. The SETI guy tries to befriend the creature. This pod crashed at the same time as the one that landed at Roswell. The creatures wiped out all life on Mars.
   A Russian sub is going to sterilize the area with a nuke and everyone has to stay put. Some of the inmates break out. "Michael, you can't do this!" "Watch me!" sez Michael. He's written off and the aliens stroll off with the SETI guy and his girlfriend before the nuke arrives.

Alien Nation: Body and Soul (1996) is part of a series based on the premise that an alien slave spaceship crashed in the United States and the 'Newcomers' had to be integrated into society. A giant and a small child escape from a secret government facility and cops Sykes (human) and Fransico (Newcomer) are thrown into the aftermath of the pursuit of the escapees. Sykes has to go to classes to learn how to have sex with his newcomer girlfriend, a doctor, who eventually decides that the giant and the child are twins!
   The Federal government gave the overseers on the slave ship bogus death certificates and new identities on condition they went to work for the good old USA. The 'twins' were a product of an experiment to split one being into a part that thinks and a part that does manual work. We go through the obvious historical parallels of a slave nation learning that its tormentors are still around. The research facility goes up in a big bang, Chorboke, the alien who experimented on the slaves, goes up with it. The giant and his tiny twin stroll off into the wilderness and 3 months later, Sykes and his girlfriend graduate from the sex course.

Alien Nation: Millennium (1996) The world is going crazy as 2000 approaches, even though the Newcomers know the 3rd Millennium won't start until 2001, and a portal has been stolen from the shrine in San Francisco by a cult led by Jennifer, who turns out to be the daughter of the lady in charge of the shrine. Jennifer offers a quick route to spiritual enlightenment but she's really about fleecing mugs.
   The police start looking for people who disappeared after joining the cult and Detective Francisco's son, Buck, gets involved with the cult. The Captain tries to do a deal with Detective Sykes for access to the portal's technology. He reckons it can be used to create a super-amusement park and make him and his associates lots of lovely money.
   Jennifer decides to stage her own suicide and disappear with the money. She wants to get back at the humans who were rotten to the Tectons when their slave ship crash landed on Earth. The plan is to collect one last donation from the mugs then kill them all. But Sykes manages to smash the box that generates the portal and only Jennifer is killed.

Alien Nation: The Udara Legacy (1997) is set 9 years after the Newcomers arrived on Earth. A Newcomer cop shoots a witness in protective custody and a gangster walks. A human is able to send pre-programmed Newcomers out on lethal missions. George Francisco's son, Buck, wants to become a cop to the distress of his mother. Another Newcomer takes a bunch of kids hostage at a school but Franciso & Sykes take him alive.
   Francisco is the hero of the hour. Then he learns that Susan, his wife, was a member of Udara, a resistance/terrorist movement which fought back against the Overseers during their slave days, like the rogue Newcomers. A shadow force within Udara was treated with a gas to make they susceptible to hypnotic suggestion. They have a trigger tone and they can be ordered to self-destruct. Children were treated, including Emily, the Franciscos' daughter!
   The guy with the Udara data is hijacked by Senator Silverthorpe and done in. Emily is triggered at her school and sent off to wound Silverthorpe to buy him the sympathy vote in his election contest with a Newcomer candidate. Susan identifies the former head of Udara and intimidates her into talking at gun-point. Emily shoots and wounds Buck at the TV studio where she is due to carry out her mission but she gets the de-programming phrase in time and George gets to bust Senator Silverthorpe for the cameras.

Alien Resurrection (1997) stars a Ripley clone [No. 8 of a series] made 200 years after her death. She is super-strong and fast, she has genetically preserved memories and her blood can burn holes in the deck. She also acts as the host for an alien queen. A sinister general wants to breed the Aliens and he has hired a crew of hijackers to take over a ship containing people in cryotubes as hosts for the monsters. One of the aliens kills its cellmate, lets the yellow gunk inside it burn through the deck and escapes. So the humans try to escape from the main spaceship, which begins an automatic return to Earth.
   Ripley 8 wipes out her 7 predecessors – all horrible freaks – while trying to get to an escape shuttle with the hijackers, plus the general as their prisoners, while pursued by aliens. Everyone manages to hold their breath for about 10 minutes while they swim through the flooded mess hall – the few who weren't written off by the aliens. They also have one of the hijacked crew with them, and he has an Alien inside him. The general breaks away and the other female lead turns out to be a robot, who survives being shot by the general.
   Ripley 8 is engulfed by the alien queen after helping the robot to programme the main ship to crash. The general shows up but he is zapped by the bloke with the Alien inside him as it is 'hatching'. And the poor bloke and the Alien are both shot to pieces. The slime-dripping queen gives birth to a kid, which kill mom and follows Ripley 8 to the escape shuttle. Ripley 8 used her blood to burn a hole in a window and the Alien is sucked through the small hole into space. And the main ship crashes on Earth with what looked like the force of a dinosaur-destroying asteroid, which kills the Aliens aboard; we hope.

Aliens (1986) begins with Ripley and the cat, Jones, being found after drifting in space for 57 years. The planet where the Alien-carrying ship crashed is being terraformed and contact has been lost with the base on it. Ripley says she ain't going back. So she does go back with a bunch of marines, most of whom are wiped out in short order. But with the help of a kid, who managed to hide from the monsters, and an artificial man, and no help from the company man who wants aliens for the biotech weapons division, Ripley is able to get off the planet before the fusion reactor at the base blows. And she gets to space an Alien who, hitches a ride up to the spaceship.

Alien Vs Predator (2004) A Weyland Industries satellite finds a pyramid under the ice on an Antarctic island, so the dying boss goes there with a team of archaeologists & survivalists led by Miss Woods. The pyramid is under an abandoned whaling station; everyone there vanished without trace in 1904. Something has drilled a tunnel through the ice to the pyramid, saving the expedition a lot of drilling.
   When they reach the pyramid, they remove devices from a sarcophagus and the fun starts. Invisible Predators start killing the humans, an Alien breeding system comes to life and the structure of the pyramid starts shifting, making it a 3D maze [a rip-off of the plot of Cube]. Humans are implanted with Aliens, which burst out in the approved fashion.
   Predators start fighting Aliens with just hand weapons. Just about all of the humans, including Mr. Weyland, are killed. Sebastian, an archaeologist, decides that Predators taught humans how to build pyramids in Egypt, South American & Cambodia, and they come to Earth every 100 years to test themselves in battle against Aliens. And if the Aliens win, the local civilization is wiped out to stop the Aliens spreading.
   Miss Woods manages to get a serious weapon to one of the Predators, and she gets to kill an Alien. The mother of all Aliens follows them to the surface for a final battle. She ends up on a one-way trip to the bottom of the sea after killing the Predator. A Predator spaceship uncloaks to retrieve the body but it doesn't offer Miss Woods a lift. Which is just as well, as an Alien hatches out of the Predator's body in space!

Alligator Alley (2013) Avery, a college girl, visits her hick, 'gator catching relatives, who are in a feud with the gang across the river; her boyfriend is one of that lot. The moonshiners across the river are dumping contaminated batches into the swamp. Avery's dad catches a strange, red-necked 'gator and Little Miss Vegan wants to kill all the red-necks before they kill all the people in the swamp.
   A lady sheriff is killed and Avery's family think the other lot killed their cousin. The rivals have a fatal run-in with the 'gators, so it's war. The Gator Whisperer is called in to wipe out the red-necks. Shooting up eggs really annoys the 'gators and the Whisperer and his TV crew all end up chomped.
   Avery's dad, who was bitten by one, turns into a red-neck! Dopey Avery walks into a mud-hole and her 'gator dad gets her out. The boyfriend also turns into a 'gator! Which seems to be the fate of most of the relatives who've disappeared. The boyfriend's dad and Avery's 'gator dad kill each other. Then the rest of the red-necks are blown up in a bar.

Along Came A Spider (2001) Criminal psychologist Dr. Alex Cross lost a partner in a sting that went horribly wrong and retreated into guilt. Then a teacher in a fake beard kidnapped Megan, a senator's daughter, and challenged Cross to go after him. Blonde Secret Service Agent Finnigan got the blame for the security failure and she became Cross's new partner.
   Cross deduced that Mr. Soneji had made a game out of the kidnapping, which he had been planning for years. Soneji's plan was to commit a 'Crime of the Century' like the Lindbergh kidnapping, and Cross was there 'to appreciate it properly'. Megan had a good try at escaping. Cross decided the real target was Dmitri, the Russian president's son, so he and Finnigan frustrated the knavish trick when Soneji went after the kid.
   Cross got the run-around delivering a $10M ranson. Then Soneji called on Cross and zapped Finnigan. He got stabbed in the leg, and Cross shot him because he had lost Megan. Agent Divine, another SS Agent at the school, had hijacked Soneji's plan. And Finnigan was working with him!
   Finnigan shot Divine then went to kill the kid, but Megan was suspicious of her. The kid had to run for her life but Dr. Cross had worked everything out and he shot Finnigan.

The Ambushers (1967) is a spoof spy film starring Dean Martin from the era before feminism and political correctness became rampant and fun was abolished. An American flying saucer is hijacked while Matt Helm of ICE is on a refresher course surrounded by ladies. Sheila Summers, the pilot, was retrieved from the South American jungle in a zombified state and it's Helm's job to 'get close to her'.
   The shock of an assassination attempt revives Sheila, only she thinks she's Helm's wife – a former cover story. The Helms are sent to Acapulco. Only women can fly the saucer as its power source kills men! Mrs. Helm gives herself away by shooting Caselius, the head bad guy, with blanks. A lady called Francesca helps the Helms to escape then she captures Matt for interrogation. She wants to find Caselius.
   Sheila rescues Helm then tells him her 'memory loss' was just a trick. Helm gets to swim in a tank of beer and learns that Caselius is up the jungle. The 3 partners; Helm, Sheila & Francesca; infiltrate Caselius' jungle hideout. Francesca tries to betray Helm to get the saucer but Caselius has already sold it for $100M.
   Helm ends up in front of a firing squad for a while. Caselius follows Sheila onto the saucer but he croaks. Helm saves Sheila when the saucer goes over a cliff on a runaway railway truck. And his reward is to get a new blonde for training.

The American (2010, George Clooney) Our ageing hero, on a snowy break with his girlfriend, kills an ambushing hitman and also the girlfriend. And sets up an ambush for another guy. Jack zooms off to Rome. His handler, Pavel, sends him to a small town. On arrival, Jack turns round and parks himself in a nearby town. There's another job for him.
   The local priest interrogates him and, despite Pavel's orders, he can't keep his hands off the local women. Nothing much happens for a long time while Jack builds a gun for a female sniper. The Swede catches up with Jack, so two more bodies. Jack becomes totally paranoid, especially when he finds that his new girlfriend, Clara, has a handbag-gun.
   Jack completes his set-up work and becomes suspicious of the lady sniper, who has orders to kill him. The rifle backfires when she tries to use it and kills her. Pavel goes after Jack and ends up dead. Jack, with a bullet in him, drives off to meet Clara and croaks(?) when he reaches her.

American Warship (2012) USS Enterprise and its task force are wiped out off North Korea and a South Korean island is attacked as the US battleship Iowa is heading for its retirement home. Iowa goes to investigate a suspected N. Korean first strike. Iowa is attacked by a disappearing ship and the Intelligence lady (young, white), who is having an affair with the captain (black, getting on a bit) reckons that the Chinese have a stealth technology cloaking device.
   Iowa loses all modern electronics to an EMP. A lady academic tells the captain to use the WW 2 technology. More of S. Korea is attacked and the US shapes up to nuke Russia and China. An expedition to the stealth ship finds aliens, not Chinese, aboard. A whole gang of little ships attacks Iowa. Some old-technology cavalry is sent in support.
   The Intelligence lady decides there's one alien mother-ship controlling drones. The captain loads up his 16" guns as the cavalry is blasted to the bottom of the Pacific. The president is about to start WW 3 when Iowa drives the alien ship into the air, where Chinese bombers heading to nuke the US west coast can see it, and zaps the scum-sucking aliens.
   The world is saved, Iowa becomes a museum, but Congress orders enough spare parts to be held in store to reactivate it, if necessary, and the captain retires and marries the Intelligence lady.

Anaconda (1997) Up the jungle in South America, a bloke blew his brains out rather than face the monster. Elsewhere, there was a professor leading an expedition in search of a lost tribe. They ran into a snake hunter, who reckoned he'd seen the People of the Mist and he kept clashing with the professor about where to look for the tribe, but he did an emergency trachaeotomy on the prof. when he half-swallowed a poisonous fish while scuba diving!!
   The snake guy took the boat off to where he wanted to go under the pretext of getting the professor to a hospital and began to get people killed, starting with the captain. He wanted to catch the big snake which had shed huge skins because he reckoned it was worth $1 million.
   The hunter went fishing for the snake with a monkey body but it got away. More and more of the expedition were killed. A mutiny didn't work. Eventually, the professor staggered off his sickbed to tackle the hunter, who was swallowed by the snake and puked up again. The last 2 active members of the expedition managed to barbeque the snake and stick a pick-axe through its head. And on the way home, they met the lost tribe.

Anaconda: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004) The blood orchid of Borneo can provide a cure for death, so James takes an expedition up-river in the rainy season because he has a couple of weeks to get orchids before they stop flowering for 7 years. The boat is a load of junk. A stupid woman falls overboard while yakking on a phone and is nearly eaten by a crocodile.
   The stupid captain sends the boat over a waterfall but the giant anaconda in the water doesn't eat anyone. The captain phones a friend to get another boat and leads the group on a trek through the jungle. While wading through a flood, the anaconda gets Ben. Another snake gets the drunken Aussie and his boat crashes.
   The captain hopes to get a boat from the local headhunters and there's more than one snake; all the local males are after a female as it's the mating season. The head hunters have all gone, so the captain builds a boat for a trip back to civilization. Which Jack steals to go after the orchids.
   The others go blundering through the jungle at night to intercept him, running in to a mess of snakes. All sorts of dramatic things happen but it's too bloody dark to see what they are most of the time. The captain blows up the female snake with a flare gun, who knows what happens to Jack and some of the others survive.

Anaconda III: Offspring (2008, David Hasselhof) A pharmaceutical company owned by the dying Mr. Murdoch is researching a cure using huge anacondas, which are 60 feet long, mean and permanently hungry. Amanda, the lady herpetologist, wants bigger premises and more cash, and she's worried about tampering with evolution. Murdoch wants results because he doesn't have much time.
   Murdoch upsets the snakes, which break out of their tanks. They escape, pausing only to snack on a few people. A gang of hunters goes after the snakes and become snacks. The Hoff takes charge. Amanda tells him the female snake is pregnant and about to give birth. "We don't call in the military", sez the Hoff.
   The snakes head for a city and the Hoff alerts the military. Amanda gets a hunter killed in an old factory but he takes out the male snake with a grenade. Shock, horror! The Hoff is working for Murdoch and the army isn't on the way. So Amanda kills the Hoff and the other snake. But Murdoch's other guy gets a baby snake so the work can continue.

Analyze This (1999) features Billy Crystal as a psychiatrist, into whose life gangster Robert de Niro crashes. The gangster keeps getting anxiety attacks and he keeps requiring the shrink to drop everything and attend to him – even during his wedding. Then the Feds shove their noses in to make things even tougher for the shrink. A 4-star comedy for people with minds twisted enough to appreciate it.

The Animal (2001) A nerdy evidence clerk at a police station wants to be a real cop, like his dead hero dad, but he flunks the training programme. Then he responds to a 211 while the real cops are goofing off and drives off a cliff. The car is a write-off, and so is he. But a mad doctor rebuilds him and dumps him back at the wreck.
   Marvin finds that he has an impressive physique, some weird animal traits, he feels great and he's been missing for 8 days. He sniffs out a drug smuggler at the airport (heroin in his ass!) so the mad doctor darts him to tell him that he was rebuilt with animal parts, which the human part of him won't be able to control.
   Marvin escapes and befriends a young woman with a whole collection of discarded animals. He gets the sack for attacking the mayor's cat at a charity do, then saves the mayor's son. Something eats a cow whole, Marvin gets the blame and he's pursued by the cops and a mob with torches.
   The mad doctor tells Marvin that he made another manimal; his girlfriend. The doctor also has animal parts. But Marvin's black friend takes the blame for everything and the charges are dropped because he's black. So the manimals breed . . .

Annihilation Earth (2009) The Eve Project of 2010 solved the Europe's energy problems by using super-colliders to make clean electricity. Electromagnetic Vacuum Energy is about to be shared with the rest of the world and Raj, who was chucked off the project, thinks it's going to be turned into a weapon. Arab terrorists infiltrate the collider near Geneva using Raj's ID and blow it up, hoping to reinstate Middle East oil as a major energy resource.
   David, Raj's pal, tries to prevent him from being arrested. Then there are massive earthquakes around the world. David tells the boss that he and Raj knew that the collider system could destroy the world if someone messed with it. David takes a team to Ground Zero to find out exactly what happened.
   Arab terrorists get Raj. David's boss (Councillor Troi from ST:TNG) kidnaps David's family. Aircraft are pulled out of the sky down to ground zero, and satellites in orbit follow, including the ISS. David & his gang escape to Geneva, where the boss's stooges grab them.
   Terrorists try to blow up EVE at Barcelona next. A battered Raj takes out the terrorist leader. Raj tries to recruit David to save the world but their boss tries to stop them. David shuts the system down; the opposite of what Raj wants. And then that's it for the planet. Extinction.

Anonymous Rex (2004) There are monsters, killers, lurking about who have gadgets to make them look human. They are the descendants of dinosaurs, which didn't die out. They have a Council, which likes to say no to projects. A dino called Rupert is killed. He was in the Voice of Progress cult. Two pals, private eyes Vincent and Eddie, attend a meeting and find out that the members revert to their true form to eat meat.
   Two more VoP members were killed in the last 2 weeks. One used to transfer death row prisoners, and 4 escaped recently: to become the main course at a VoP dino picnic. VoP is turning members into predators with a taste for human blood & meat. They want to start a war to trigger change and progress.
   Surprise! Gabrielle, Eddie's adopted daughter, is really a human pretending to be a dino pretending to be a human. The man behind VoP kidnaps her after the PIs find out that he has a truckload of predators on their way to cause an outrage. Vince and Eddie are told to stay out of his way. But that doesn't happen, of course.

Another 48 Hrs. (1990) Is an Eddie Murphy/Nick Nolte sequel. Out in the wilds, a biker is arranging a hit on Reggie and they blow away everyone at the diner when a cop walks in. Detective Jack interrupts another contract meeting at a race track but the bespectacled black bad guy escapes the shooting & explosions. IAD gets on Jack's case. He's after the Ice Man, the biggest dealer in the Bay area, but no one else believes he exists.
   Reggie spends his last day in gaol in the hole after bashing Jack, who tried to recruit him into another job. The black guy from the racetrack gives the 3 bikers a bomb. Jack shows Reggie his picture, which he found at the race track, and tells Reggie that the Ice Man has put out a hit on him. The bikers take out Jack then ambush a prison bus with Reggie aboard.
   Reggie survives the wreck and Jack was wearing a vest. Reggie's car is blown up next. IAD has Jack suspended, but that doesn't stop him trying to locate the black guy from the racetrack. A HUGE bar fight, Reggie & Jack go after Angel, one of the bikers. There's a big shoot-out but only by-standers are hit. But Angel is whacked.
   Jack decides the Ice Man is a cop, and Reggie has seen him; which is why he wants Reggie dead. Jack has been keeping Reggie's $475K in his locker at the police station! He hands over the dosh and tells Reggie to disappear. But there's another shoot-out, the other 2 bikers go down and Ben, Jack's buddy, is exposed as the Ice Man.
   Ben takes Reggie prisoner but Jack gets to blow him away; after putting a round in Reggie to get him out of the way! And they cop for the half a million bucks running away money which Ben had.

Another Stakeout (1993, Richard Dreyfuss, Emilio Estevez) is clearly a sequel. A witness against the boss of the Chicago mob barely escapes with her life when a hit man in a cess truck pumps gasoline into the 'safe' house and blows it up with some cops.
   Two bungling Seattle cops get themselves covered in the contents of a garbage truck and fish-bits respectively while chasing down a bad guy, whom a witness shoots with the older cop's gun! They are teamed with a lady from the DA's office as father, 2nd wife and son (and dog) to stake out a house which the Feds think the witness will visit.
   The trio make the fundamental blunder of socializing with the people they're watching. Junior is captured whilst trying to bug the house next door; by the witness. She takes it on the lam in an expensive car from the police pound, with Junior in the boot. Everyone, including the car, goes for a swim.
   When the assassin turns up again, the stakeout cops get involved in a 3-way shoot-out with the Feds and killer. The dog joins in and the Mob's inside guy and the killer are both whacked.

Antibody (2002) features the central character of the TV series Millennium [Lance Henricksen] as a softer, somewhat dafter guy, who gets himself sacked from the FBI for letting a terrorist bomb blow up the Russian consolate in Washington. He ends up running a security firm in Munich and he finds himself in a remake of Fantastic Voyage, which had a screen play by Isaac Asimov based on the plot of A World Unseen by Joseph Skidmore [Wonder Stories Vol. 7 Nos. 7 & 8] who got no acknowledgement. Anyway, we had a miniaturized submarine roaming around a terrorist's body looking for the trigger to a nuclear device, the sub and a couple of the crew being written off and our hero coming good at the last second.

Apocalypse Pompeii (2014) An American family in Naples, dad is ex-services and a national security expert. Wife & daughter go to Pompeii. Minor tremors turn to stuff falling down. Kaboom! Vesuvius blows its top. Pompeii will be under 60 feet of lava in 4 hours, Jeff is told. Fireballs blast the ruins. Jeff is told he'll get no help.
   His old mate from Kandahar, Colonel Carlo, gives him a car and 3 soldiers. They steal an Italian army helicopter. The busload of tourists is whittled down. The survivors reach a museum in the middle of Pompeii. The volcano can't make up its mind if it's Vesusius, sending out pyroclastic flows or Stromboli, sending out runny lava.
   Jeff finds his family but the chopper is wiped out. Down to the basement to escape pyroclastic pumice clouds, then up to the roof to escape the lava! Cue Carlos as the deus ex machina to save the sorry and depleted bunch.

Arachnophobia (1990) Mr. Manley, photographer, was dragged to Lost World territory in Venezuela by a professor who wanted photos of new bugs. Only he was bitten by a big, horrible spider and went home to Canaima in a wooden box. With a stowaway male spider for company. He arrived at the same time as a new doctor, who had fled San Francisco with his wine cellar.
   The new doc was afraid of spiders. Spiders started killing his few patients. Then they killed the old doc, making the new doc the only doc in town. He phoned the professor about the killer spiders. Luckily, Prof. Atherton remembered that his dead photographer came from Canaima.
   The prof. said they had to take out the spiders' nest before the spiders took out the town. And the next town and the next town and the next. The local comedy exterminator was recruited to the cause. The doc found that his house was full of killer spiders!
   The exterminator arrived and got spraying. But it was the new doc who sacrificed his wine cellar to take out the Venezuelan monster. He and his wife and the kids and a bottle of Margot made it back to San Francisco; in nice time for a minor earthquake.

Arctic Blast (2010) is another Global Warming Swindler type disaster. A solar eclipse triggers formation of a cold spot in the upper atmosphere while Jack of the ICRO is distracted by a possible divorce. Because evil humans have made a hole in the ozone layer, freezing air comes down like a waterfall and freezes an ICRO survey ship solid. A lethal cold front heads for Tasmania.
   Walter, Jack's boss, won't issue a warning without facts, so Jack by-passes him in an attempt to save Tasmania. He barely saves his daughter from freezing at a beach. Then the emergency warnings go out. Walter excludes Jack from his emergency committee.
   Mucho panic buying of bottled gas & supplies, and the stupid are culled by the freezing fog. Walter & Jack have different plans for closing the hole in the ozone layer. Tokio freezes, and London, Moscow & Sydney. Walter's plan is a big flop.
   Zoe, Jack's assistant, runs out of insulin, so Jack has to get her some and his daughter fails to upload his data to Walter when the generator fails. Jack kick-starts Zoe & the generator, his plan saves the world from freezing and he also saves his marriage.

Arctic Predator (2010) In 1825, Lt. Ross was looking for the North-West Passage when a huge meteorite crashed onto the Arctic ice. An ice monster formed and attacked the crew of the Fury. In the present, at Fury Point base, a sonar mapping system found the wreck of the Fury buried 300 feet under the ice. And there was a Mr. Ross looking for his ancestor's ship. He had a tunnel bored at 45 degrees in the ice down to the ship, where there were bodies and Lt. Ross' Journal.
   The doctor decided that the bodies hadn't drowned, they'd been freeze-dried, and the monster started doing the same to people from the base. And there was a storm approaching. The Journal described a battle with the monster. The doctor decided that it could manipulate heavy water and it fed on heat; like that provided by a human body.
   A mad scientist decided that the monster had been plucked out of the atmosphere of Jupiter by a comet and brought to Earth. Lt. Ross had sunk the Fury with the monster trapped aboard. The monster started flying around the base as a cloud of gas so the doctor sacrificed himself to get it frozen solid again. Then Ross took it down the tunnel and blew up the entrance to trap it, and added what he hoped would be a final note in the Journal.

Armageddon (1998) kicks off with poor old New York getting zapped by meteorites as a planet-killer comet the size of Texas approachs the Earth. With 18 days to save the planet, the best solution to the problem turns out to be to round up Wimpy Bruce Willis and a gang of disfunctional drillers, train them up a bit, get them to drill into the comet, insert a nuke and blow it into 2 pieces, which will pass on either side of the Earth. Two space shuttles are launched and manage to destroy an ageing Russian space station while refuelling. Then they race for the Moon, circle it and approach the comet from behind.
   Of course, one shuttle gets wiped out by the debris around the comet but two drillers and the Russian cosmonaut survive. The other shuttle lands in the wrong place, and the guys back on Earth try to blow up the nuke. And then everything gets TOTALLY silly. Wimpy Willis fails to get the hole drilled but the survivors of the other shuttle save the day.
   Then Wimpy has to stay behind to blow up the nuke and he spends AGES faffing around before he pushs the button. 2 hours and 50 minutes long, including station breaks, a film to get the audience screaming, "Bloody get on with it!" – when they aren't asking, "What the bloody hell's going on now?"

Armed And Dangerous (1985) Uniformed cop Frank Dooley (John Candy) comes across 2 detectives stealing TVs, Internal Affairs pounces and he ends up fired off the force. He and failed lawyer Norm Kane end up working for a private security firm at $4.60/hour. The boss is in league with the crooked union, and all the employees are idiots. Dooley & Kane but in to a robbery organized by the union and end up guarding a rubbish dump.
   Maggie (Meg Ryan), the boss's daughter, who likes Kane, won't believe that her dad is a crook. Dooley & Kane crash a posh party to get the goods on the bad guys. The union boss is planning to steal the pension fund and use the cash for a drug deal. D&K are framed for the murder of an unco-operative union treasurer with the help of the crooked detectives.
   They are chased and have to get some new outfits at a sex shop. The union is planning to hi-jack a security van containing the pension fund cash. Kane & Maggie take over the driving job and go for a wild ride. Dooley joins them in a tanker full of rocket fuel! The bad guys are defeated, Maggie's dad turns on the bad guys, Frank gets his job back and Norm is dragooned into the police force.

Armoured (2009) An armoured truck conks out in a dead zone? An ambush? No, just a big joke on the new guy in the back, who is about to qualify as a guard. Ty has lots of money problems. One of the guys finds out that they are about to move $42 million so he plans to make a legendary hijack work. All they have to do is stage an ambush in a dead zone, stash the cash and tell everyone they were hijacked.
   Ty says no until a social worker tries to get his deadleg brother adopted because the kid won't go to school. An old derelict sees the crew stashing the money. Ty locks himself in the truck when the old guy is shot. The rest crash his truck but they need to get him out of it before their next check is due, because that will send cops looking for them.
   Ty gets a nosy cop shot; he was just skiving at the abandoned building chosen for the stash. In fact, the dirty rat Ty screws everyone up and he even gets a reward for it. Is there no justice?

Army of Darkness (1993) features Evil Dead 2 hero Ash with a chainsaw attached to the stump of his right hand at times. He is blasted back into mediaeval times and ends up fighting a skeleton army, which is clearly inspired by Ray Harryhausen's efforts in Jason and the Argonauts. He has to get hold of a copy of the Necronomicon to return to his own time – and he has to use the command from Michael Rennie to Gort in The Day The Earth Stood Still. Only he keeps screwing up on the 'Nikto' bit. And in consequence, the 'present' to which he returns isn't quite his starting point. A very enjoyable comedy horror.

The Art of War (2000, Wesley Snipes, Donald Sutherland) It was the start of a new millennium, one year early, in Hong Kong and Neil Shaw, a secret agent for the UN Secretary General, was blackmailing a thieving North Korean general into returning to the UN's negotiating table. Then the Sec. Gen. decided to put an end to covert ops, so that was Shaw out of a job.
   6 months later, China was about to sign a trade deal with the USA when Ambassador Wu was implicated in people smuggling and shot. Shaw heard his partner being killed on the radio as he chased the shooter, but he was popped by the FBI. Chinese terrorists blew up the Feds' van and grabbed Shaw but he escaped from them. Mr. Chan, who was shot while sitting next to Wu, was obviously a bad guy.
   Shaw's Chinese-speaking female sidekick was killed next but he acquired Julia, who had worked for Wu, while taking out another Chinese killer at a hospital. Shaw got proof that Chen was behind Wu's killing and he found out that there was a mole at the UN; which had to be Eleanor, the Sec. Gen.'s sidekick.
   Shaw chased the assassin again and, surprise! It was his 'dead' partner. Shaw told FBI agent Capella what was going on and did a bit of self-surgery to remove a bug planted in his shoulder. Shaw & his dead partner wrecked the UN building a bit, the partner was killed properly, as was Eleanor, and Shaw was killed off by the FBI and relocated to France with Julia.

The Art of War II: Betrayal (2008, Wesley Snipes) Neil Shaw, now calling himself Stone, was invited to the funeral of his martial artist mentor, and hooked up with the daughter. An actor friend, who hoped to become a Senator, asked Stone to find out who was blackmailing him with feelthy pictures. Becker of the FBI was involved. A military contractor intimidated a general into supporting his battle rifle, which used depleted uranium rounds.
   Stone told Senator Carlson that Congressman Philips and the military-industrial conspiracy wanted her dead. But Philips was shot and Stone kicked the killer's ass. His mentor's daughter was also at risk. Stone kicked more ass. Someone was trying to make it look like Carlson had hired Stone to take out Philips.
   Stone's hacker pals found bad guys at a Homeland Security building. Stone infiltrated it and saw Becker on CCTV killing the hackers. The bad guys killed Senator Carlson as Stone was getting on with a killing spree. Becker got what was coming to him, then Stone filled the contractor full of lead.
   Surprise! His actor buddy was behind all the mayhem and the mentor's daughter was just an undercover agent and part of the scam. So Stone framed the actor for the agent's murder.

The Assassination File (1996) is a conspiracy theory film. A black presidential candidate is bumped off and the female FBI agent in charge of his protection team quits. 2 years later, she gets a file which tells her that people are being bumped off mysteriously. She contacts a smarmy former colleague at the Bureau and she is nearly killed by the 'cop' sent to bring her in, so she goes on the run. There's a black operations unit being run by someone at the Bureau and, predictable, the bloke in charge is the one she trusts, not the smarmy git. So lots of pursuit, shooting, things being blown up, and at the finish, the main conspirators just melt back into the shadows.

Assassins (1995) Sylvester Stallone plays Robert, a hit man, who takes another hit man into a swamp to whack him. A $200K contract arrives over the 1995 Internet. But Miguel, a rival, whacks the target, lets himself be busted and escapes from a police car after making it crash. Robert pursues him in a stolen taxi but Mig, who has studied Robert's career, gets away again.
   Robert's next job is in Seattle; a female bugger with a floppy disk and 4 buyers for the data. Mig takes out the buyers but Robert drives off with the target. She gets away but her cat doesn't. The assassins have a shoot-out in the bugger's flat, which Robert blows up. Robert offers to sell the disk for $2 million but gets a bomb as the pay-off. But the bugger switched the disks in case of a double-cross.
   Robert asks for $20M for the disk and Mental Mig gets the job of whacking him. Everyone swans off to Mexico and a bank where Robert whacked some character called Nikolai 15 years before. Robert spends all day in the bank getting the cash while Mig gets into a strop while waiting to shoot him and melting in the heat. The stupid woman screws up again but she manages to shoot Mig a bit.
   Enter Nikolai, who was wearing a bullet-proof vest 15 years before and who's been pulling the strings. Robert and Miguel both blow him away then decide not to kill each other. But Mad Mig reneges on the pact and gets shot to bits. Then Robert, the bugger and her cat head off toward the sunset with the cash.

Assault on Precinct 13 (2005) is a remake of the 1976 John Carpenter original that works. It's New Year's Eve, it's snowing and there's just a skeleton crew at the 13th Precinct house, which is due for demolition after it closes at midnight. The crew consists of Sgt. Jake, who had an undercover disaster 8 months before. He's on pain-killers and having to deal with the department shrink, who thinks he's afraid of responsibility because cops under his command died. There's also Jasper, who's on the verge of retirement.
   A guy is stabbed in a church and the stabber is busted. He's Bishop, a major criminal and he stabbed an undercover cop. The prison bus ends up at the 13th Precinct because of a storm. The lady shrink is also stuck there. Two cops are shot when the assault starts and the survivors find they had no phones and no radio due to jamming.
   Sgt. Jake finds that the besiegers are dirty cops in Bishop's pay, who will go to gaol forever if they let Bishop live. And they plan to kill everyone in the building. So the prisoners are armed. The shrink and one of the prisoners make a break for it while 2 other prisoners try a separate break. No one survives.
   Sgt. Jake abandons his pain-killers. Jasper finds a way out in the basement. Jake torches the building as the bad guys enter. The bad guys are waiting at the other end of the escape tunnel; Jasper sold them out because he didn't think Bishop was worth dying for. But he does the right thing and keeps the escape going.
   Marcus, the head bad guy, puts a bullet in Bishop. Marcus & Jake shoot each other. And Jake lets Bishop get away before help arrives.

The Assignment (1997) CIA agent Henry Field has a close encounter with Carlos the Jackal in Paris in 1974 but fails to recognize him. He's not allowed to kill Carlos a year later when he holds OPEC to $20M ransom in Vienna. "It's not our fight," Field's boss tells him. The Israelis grab Carlos in Jerusalem eventually but, surprise! They have Jack Shaw, a US Naval officer and a Carlos lookalike, whom Field recruits into the CIA with the president's help.
   Shaw has to undergo a very irritating training programme. The plan is to get the KGB to bump Carlos off as a traitor. Field plans to put $20M in Carlos's bank account, using Carlos's girlfriend to make the transfer, and let the KGB draw the obvious conclusion. Shaw does some 'training' with a former girlfriend then sets off to get personal with Carlos's current girlfriend.
   Shaw finds himself being chased by French agents, and killing them to get away, because the DST has turned the girlfriend. The KGB takes the bait, however, and the girlfriend is whacked. Shaw runs into a Japanese terrorist at Heathrow and the Mossad agent on his case is killed.
   Shaw is allowed to go home, where his wife realizes he's been sleeping with another woman. Shaw decks a violent dad at a Little League game and does the same to Shaw for threatening his family. Then he tells his wife what the CIA made him do. Then he goes back into harm's way.
   The real Carlos shoots his way out of a KBG trap. The Carloses have a punch-up, Field shoots the wrong one but he tells Shaw that someone will get the real Carlos sooner or later now he's lost the KBG's protection. Shaw is 'killed off' and relocated. And the French get the real Carlos eventually.

Asteroid (1997) is the bits of a mini-series bolted together. A comet due to pass 1 million miles from Earth barges through the asteroid belt and sends two chunks of rock heading for us. The smaller is mainly water ice and a fragment bashes through a dam near Kansas City, which has been evacuated. The other is 10 times bigger and mainly nickel-iron. The United States blows it up, not realizing that Texas will be hit with the shower of bits instead of one big lump. The obligatory stupid kid gets himself stuck on the side of what looked like a skyscraper which is sliding into a vast pit. (How is never explained.) And at the finish, we have this spectacular comet moving(!) across the sky in full daylight! Wow!

Asteroid vs Earth (2014) A young astronomer spotted a death-rock; 10 days to impact. NSA goons crashed in on Evan, waving guns. The military bozos wouldn't listen to Evan. The Russians were useless. Evan told the general the asteroid couldn't be deflected but he reckoned setting off nukes in an ocean trench would cause massive quakes which would move the Earth out of the path of the steroid.
   Chase, submarine XO, had his date with Marissa, ROV specialist, cut short by his own crew waving guns. Marissa got the job of placing the nukes in the trench. The sub's launch bay caught fire and Chase and Marissa were almost croaked. Big precursor meteorites bombarded the US military.
   The Russian missiles fired at the rock just made things worse. The attempts to destroy the rock cut 3 days off the time left to act. The Chinese didn't want a planet-saving US sub in their waters. Chase's buddy, Lt. Rudi, had to dodge a tsunami. Hong Kong was wiped out. The ROV was launched just before the Chinks opened fire on the sub.
   Chase decided to split the sub in two and drop the nukes into the trench inside the useless rear half. But the nukes didn't go off. But the ones in the ROV did. The bang wasn't big enough. So Rudi had to drop some small nukes into a volcano by hand. Kaboom! And the Earth was saved.

The A-Team (2010) Hannibal was in Mexico. So was B.A., saving his van from a chop shop, and Face was working with gun-runners and in need of rescue. They collected Crazy Captain Murdoch, who wrecked the van. 80 missions of the Alpha-Team later, the CIA wanted some printing plates for US dollars in Iraq. Face's old girlfriend turned up as a DoD captain. The general told Hannibal to stay out of CIA Col. Lynch's operation.
   Hannibal & Co. got a container of dosh, then the general's car was blown up and the A-Team was railroaded into gaol. Hannibal told Lynch he knew where to find Pike, who murdered the general and stole the plates. Lynch helped the A-Team to escape. B.A. has taken a vow not to kill anyone by now!
   The gang pinched a Hercules, which was shot down, so they landed in a tank. Everyone went to Frankfurt (am Main), where all of the printing plates were to be found. The A-Team got them. Surprise! The general was still alive and a bad guy. He was in with Pike.
   Lynch tried to wipe out the A-Team and he extracted Pike from the DoD Lady and bugged her. So he heard Hannibal bluffing after the general was written off. A container depot was blown up a bit, Lynch was exposed as a bad guy but he was extracted by another CIA guy called Lynch. The A-Team was re-busted so the guys escaped again, presumably to the L.A. underground.

Atlantic Rim (2013) There's an oil leak in the Gulf and a mini-sub sent to investigate vanishes. Then a huge sea monster kills an oil platform. Dr. Adams of Project Armada wants to sent her 50-foot humanoid robots 8,000 feet down to the sea bed to investigate. Red, Tracy and Jim find lots of wreckage. The admiral calls up everything to tackle the huge monster down there.
   Our heroes ignore orders not to pursue the bogey. Dr. Adams manages to switch off two of them but Red and a monster cause a lot of havoc on the shore. A missle from an F14 finishes off the monster. The military has a dark project involving the monsters. There's another, which chucks a sub at an aircraft carrier and sinks both of them.
   Jim and Tracy break Red out of gaol. The nutter with the eye-patch wants to go nuclear. The monster comes ashore but it's bombed back to the sea, so it heads for New York.
   The giant bots can fly. The monster comes ashore at Manhattan, which Eye-patch wants to nuke. Red has to jam a sub-launched nuke. Eye-patch pulls a gun on everyone and the admiral clobbers him. Red flies the monster into space and leaves it there with the nuke. His bot hit the ground like a ton of bricks but he walks away, natch.

Atomic Shark (2015) What the world needs is more shark films. Hooray! Here's one. Blame it on the atom bomb then show film of an H-bomb test. Well, okay.
   A lady water-skiing. Chomp! Only the top half left. The guy in the towing boat reports the shark was glowing and red. Lots of charred bits washing up on a San Diego beach, where there's a life guard who can't swim, so he uses a drone to deliver a life jacket to a swimmer in trouble.
   Chomp! Another meal for the shark. A radioactive shark would be impossible to kill, sez one of the lifeguard babes, Gina, whose father was on the tow boat. Chomp! The red-hot shark attacks a boat and sets it ablaze. The beach boss claims the Feds have told him to cover everything up and sacks the drone guy.
   Mr. Forte, a TV big deal, visits the local diner, eats some local fish and explodes in flames! Just before the diner does the same. A Soviet sub, which is supposed to have sunk of San Diego in the 80s, is tossed into the mix. The stoopid beach boss attacks the shark with a bang-stick and that's the end of him.
   Gina thinks the shark will explode like an A-bomb and make the area uninhabitable for 20,000 years. She also thinks the US military will make a bog of getting rid of the shark, so she recruits her dad into a plan to get rid of the shark. A couple of idiots on the fast boat get themselves killed. And a girlfriend and Dad.
   The cabin cruiser blows up after the shark has a go at it. Gina and the drone guy try a long shot with dynamite. It flops. So Gina makes the shark beach itself on an island, where the vegetation catches fire. Without the cooling effect of the seawater, the shark overheats and goes up like an A-bomb with a mushroom cloud. But Gina and the drone guy survive.

Atomic Twister (2002) Mom & her kid wait until the last minute before taking refuge from a tornado and mom is killed; natural deselection of the stupid. Corinne, grown up Jake's glammy neighbour (thanks to Affirmative Action), runs a power station in Tennessee which (surprise!) is assaulted by a tornado. The guy on the front gate doesn't see the HUGE twister until it's about 50 feet away and he's deselected.
   The control room loses power and the satellite dish is taken out. Another twister hits the plant and the cavalry from the NRC is grounded. The cooling system starts failing and another Chernobyl looms. Neville, who shut down some of the pumps to save power, has to kill himself doing a manual shutdown of the reactor.
   Jake has to save Corinne's horrible kid and the sheriff's daughter, who dumped him, with a tornado bearing down. The NRC comes up with a plan to stop the spent fuel going off, Jake has to stop a cowardly tanker driver to get fuel to the plant. So the plant is saved and everyone is a hero; apart from the idiot who put a nuclear reactor in Tornado Alley, of course.

Attack Force (2006, Steven Seagal) A US team has a big battle with bad guys when the good guys are sent to France, Europe, for a training exercise. Three of them pick up a hooker in Paris and end up slaughtered. Commander Marshall, the boss, had to bump the French police out of the way to get special autopsies.
   Marshall goes to Majestic and finds that his clearance has been revoked. The bodies contain traces of CTX and the drug dealer at the club is being protected as he's working with the bosses at Majestic. The drug turns users into violent killers, which interests the US military, and the club boss has been testing it on customers.
   The bad guys plan to put the drug into the city's water supply. Marshall puts together a new team. Robinson of Majestic sends a strike team after him. They're not much cop. Marshall and his team are on their own for a battle with CTX-fuelled bad guys. Cue a monumental battle and the world is made safe for the American way of life.

Attack of the Crab Monster (1957, Roger Corman) Scientists on a small, earthquake-prone Pacific island disappear and are assumed lost in a storm. A new team arrives to investigate the effects of fall-out from a nearby atomic test. A huge pit appears mysteriously, Jim climbs into it after hearing the voice of a member of the previous team; and disappears. A gang of the others goes looking for him.
   Meanwhile, the crab monster attacks huts on the surface, looking for grub. It destroys the radio completely and reveals that it doesn't like electricity. The professor is chomped but the others continue to hear his voice. A monster crab is speared by a stalactite but another appears to tell the team they gave made a grave mistake.
   The crab creature is invulnerable to bombs and bullets, and it can eat a victim and assimilate his mind! It can also emit blasts of heat to make tunnels and create pits. A photograph shows that the crab is pregnant and about to give birth! The monster is trying to trap the scientists on a small part of the island so that it can eat them.
   One of the team is zapped by his own electrical booby trap and the crab monster chases the rest out into the open. Hank topples the radio antenna onto the crab, destroying it with electricity, and we get to The End very abruptly.

Attack of the Gryphon (2007) The kingdom of Vallon had been separarated into the kingdoms of Delphi & Lockland by warring brothers, and Delphi was winning a civil war. So the king of Lockland got his sorcerer to revive the gryphon to protect the kingdom. But the monster turned on Lockland castle's defenders until the sorcerer flew off with it. The prince of Delphi and the princess of Lockland set out to reassemble the separated parts of the Draconian Pike, the only thing which would kill the gryphon.
   They met in the Valley of the Dead and the princess took the prince prisoner and they got very pally. They retrieved one half of the pike but the sorcerer, who was planning to become immortal, got the other part. The kings of Delphi & Lockland joined forces, the prince's mother took out the sorcerer's harpies (and herself). The sorcerer got hold of the whole pike, but he and the gryphon ended up slain and Vallon was reunited.

Austin Powers – International Man of Mystery (1997) is a first for us. We knew Mr. Powers existed but we'd never seen one of his films before. So we switched it on expecting it to be dreadful. But it wasn't. The obligatory bog and shagging jokes are there but the Bond parody rattles along at a fair pace and it keeps its sense of fun intact.
   Dr. Evil, an amalgam of Bond villains, freezes himself in 1967 and thaws himself out again in 1997. The same happens to Mr. Powers – only his hairy chest remains intact when Dr. Evil's long-haired cat ended up bald. So we have a villain and a hero of the 60s adrift in the politically correct 90s, and Dr. Evil planning to zap the planet if he doesn't get a million dollars from the UN – no, make that a hundred billion dollars as money ain't worth anything these days.
   The plan is to steal a former Soviet nuclear warhead, drill a hole down to the Earth's core, let off the bomb and destroy all the world's major cities with volcanoes. Powers is teamed with Ms Kensington (Liz Hurley), the uptight daughter of his 60s sidekick. Dr. Evil's henchpersons made him a son called Scott (played by Willow's werewolf boyfriend from Buffy the Vampire).
   Fun & games in the bogs of a casino, Miss Fagina's penthouse, the Q Dept. and Virticon, Dr. Evil's company. Powers and Kensington are captured and almost fed to the killer sea bass. Then there's a shoot-out and the world is saved. Dr. Evil has himself frozen again, it looks like we can expect more of the same on some future weekend.

Austin Powers – The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999) Dr. Evil returns to Earth as Austin Powers is on honeymoon – with Vanessa, an exploding fembot. Scott Evil gets into a riot when he does the Jerry Springer show with his dad, who has his HQ in Starbucks, Seattle. His staff have made him a 1/8th size clone. Dr. Evil goes back in time to 1969 (and an HQ in a hollowed-out volcano) to steal Powers' mojo. Fat Bastard delivers the mojo and wants to eat the clone as his payment!
   Powers visits his frozen self. Scott joins his dad in 1969; mainly to sneer at him. Dr. Evil plans to zap Washington with a giant laser from the Moon unless he gets $100 billion; but there isn't that much money in the world in 1969. Powers & Agent Felicity Shagwell go back to 1969 and get themselves captured at the volcanic island. Dr. Evil heads for the Moon so the good guys hitch a ride on Apollo 11.
   The mojo is destroyed during all the fun & games but Felicity tells Powers he doesn't need it. They return to 1999 and an encounter with Fat Bastard. Meanwhile, back in 1969, the foiled Dr. Evil rescues the clone, which was spaced, and vows to get Austin Powers.

Avalanche (1994) is a de facto comedy, whatever the original intentions. Duncan (David Hasselhoff) has to shoot his way out of a deal for some diamonds with swindling Russians. Meanwhile, Brian takes his son & daughter to his cabin on the slopes of Mt. McKinley, where he's writing a book. The Hoff shoots his pilot and bales out over the mountains. Surprise! The crashing plane starts an avalanche, which engulfs Brian's cabin. While digging themselves out, the family find the Hoff outside one of the windows.
   He persuades them to abandon the tunnel they've started and dig a new one, which will let him find his loot. The stupid kid gets himself trapped, Brian picks a fight with the Hoff to liven things up and the Hoff ends up tied up, squawking. The stupid girl gets too close to the bad guy and she ends up his prisoner.
   Brian breaks through to the surface, nicks the diamonds when he finds them, and collapses the tunnel on the Hoff. The kid is sent down the mountain for help as the Hoff regains control. Brian wimps out of finishing him off, and wraps him up like a mummy in parcel tape. Meanwhile, the kid nearly gets caught in a bear trap and eaten by an Injun's wolf.
   Brian and his daughter try to climb the chimney but the Hoff cuts himself loose. Brian scatters the diamonds, the Hoff scrambles about looking for them and Brian buries him again when he back his car up a bit, causing the cabin to collapse. Then the kid and the Injun arrive.

Avatar (2009) After 6 years in cryo, our wheelchaired hero, Jake, and a gang of other dumb grunts reaches Pandora, which is like Harry Harrison's Deathworld for humans. Humans control bodies called avatars, which are built to look like the locals. They are there for unobtanium and on the brink of war because the locals are camped where there's a lot of it. A diplomatic solution is needed.
   Jake has lots of fun in a 12-foot tall avatar. The military has its own agenda for the planet. Avatar Jake has to jump off a cliff into a river to escape a local monster and he teams up with a local female. He's rather like E.R. Burroughs' John Carter of Barsoom, and he learns the ways of the locals.
   His avatar goes to sleep when Jake leaves his control tank. He soon gets his own flying lizard. The colonel tells him he can have his legs back if he can persuade the locals to move, but the dozers crash in long before that can happen. A battle starts and the military blasts one of the huge trees.
   Jake leads the revolt of the locals, telling them they have home field advantage. Its dragons and cavalry against helicopters and walking machines. Jake does the obligatory single combat with the Colonel on the forest floor and a couple of giant arrows from his lady friend see the Colonel off. Then she has to save Jake's human body from destruction. Most of the humans are booted off the planet and Jake's consciousness is moved to a local body. 190 minutes with 20-30 minutes of adverts.

The Avengers (The Movie!) (1998) is described by reviewers in the papers as a proper turkey. The film is a corny pastiche with a good budget for special effects, and it is really silly at times but not without merit. 'Steed' is a little on the young and callow side, he looks more like a young Mr. Rigsby than John Steed and he gets rather too friendly with 'Mrs. Peel' to be true to the original. And surely they could have got someone better looking to play the lady herself.
   Your humble scribe is reduced to stunned silence by the sight of Sean Canary and the members of B.R.O.L.L.Y. around a conference table, dressed up in teddy bear suits of various bright hues. The chase with the mechanical wasps is a hoot! And having the Invisible Man in charge of the archives is a novel touch. The weather special effects are well done and the giant Machine of Total Meteorological Destruction looked suitably impressive and like something out of James Bond or Star Wars. It is certainly too grand a set ever to appear in the original Avengers.
   Adding blind, female 'Father' (who's in league with the bad guys) to the command structure as a counterbalance for male 'Mother' is a nice touch and a nod at the essential absurdity of the original. And our hero does manage to thward Mr. Canary's plans to screw up the nation's weather. So the verdict? Yes, some good laughs and worth a look on TV. I don't know about paying to see it in the cinema, though.

AvH: Alien v Hunter (2007) A big fireball thunders across the sky. Chomp! A monster eats the sheriff and there's a bunch of people dead. The sheriff's pal, Lee, calls for help but the car is attacked by a giant spidery thing, which can fold up its legs to be a biped. No one believes Lee, a writer with a reputation for making stuff up. Then the sceptical Marcie is grabbed and that's Lee vindicated.
   There's an alien hunter with a zap gun in the forest. Everyone makes for Valentine's place through tunnels, in which Xavier is eaten by the monster. Valentine loses a boxing match with the hunter. The other humans go back into the tunnels/sewers, and eventually end up on the alien's spaceship.
   Beer-chugging militia guys show up, but they're totally useless. Freckles, Valentine's daughter, decides they have to trap the giant spider thing so the hunter can kill it and push off. But it's Lee who blows the monster to bits with a gun from the spaceship. Surprise! The hunter takes his helmet off back aboard his spaceship and he's humanoid.

A View to a Kill (1985, Roger Moore) Bond does some fancy skiing and escapes in an MI6 iceberg. Zorin, a refugee from the East, has taken over a firm making computer chips, which can resist an EM pulse attack, and the KGB has penetrated the company. Zorin has found a way to fix horse races, so Bond goes to his chateau in France to investigate.
   Bond cracks Zorin's secret and shags Mayday (the appalling Grace Jones). The KGB is upset with Zorin, who is planning to take out Silicon Valley. A Russian saboteur on the spot is shredded. Bond has a rumble with Zorin's stooges at the home of Stacey, who tells him that Zorin is pumping sea water into oil wells swindled away from her.
   Zorin tries to burn down City Hall, with Bond and Stacey inside. Cue a comedy chase. Zorin is packing a mine with dynamite. He's planning to dump some lakes into a key geological fault to flood Silicon Valley. Zorin drains one lake but Bond and the appalling Mayday frustrate his plan to let off a main bomb.
   Everyone has a ride in Zorin's blimp, which has an argument with the Goldarn Gate bridge. Zorin goes for a swim and the blimp goes Kaboom!, leaving Bond and Stacey safe on the bridge.

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