|Every edition of BFN is compiled|
in accordance with official 10 Downing Street guidelines on accuracy and veracity.
Anyone hoping to get the benefit of the reduction in VAT to 15% shouldn't dash out to buy petrol, booze & ciggies. scotch gordon is slapping extra Stealth Tax on these necessities to fund some of his reckless spending. He hopes to dig a Brown Hole £1 TRILLION deep by 2013.
The chancellor, a.k.a. 'im with the eyebrows, has been mugged by the Scottish whisky industry and he's done a U-turn on his 8% duty increase. After a sound chastising, he has made the rise only 4%. Customers are advised to look out for more U-ies following muggings by other special interest groups.
Justice Sec. j. straw has come up with a brilliant new wheeze for raising cash for the Brown Hole. Any government department or private contractor which loses confidential data will have to pay a fine of £1 million/megabyte. The scam is expected to pay off scotch's trillion-pound deficit in no more than 20 years.
scotch gordon is so worried about the fallout from the mess he's made of the British economy . . .
. . . that he's sending the anti-terrorist police round to arrest Tory shadow ministers on trumped up charges as a distraction.
The trumped up charge for Damian Green, MP, was "conspiring to commit misconduct in a public office". If this were a real offence, anyone who's ever been in a new labour cabinet would be in gaol for life right now!
The harassment of Mr. Green was orchestrated to happen while Parliament was having a 5-day holiday to avoid questions in the House. It took place on the last day on the job of sir ian blair (no relation), new labour's favourite copper, who was dumped by London Mayor Boris Johnson (Conservative).
The harassment is seen as labour's payback for doing a good job of exposing the many screw ups of Home Sec. j. smith.
hazel blears, labour minister, who scrounged taxpayers' cash to pay for Spanish lessons, which are of no benefit to her work as an MP or a minister, but which might come in handy when she's on holiday.
This prolific and highly successful American writer has died at 66. His much-filmed novels were mainly in the science fiction field, e.g. The Andromeda Strain (1969), Congo (1980), Sphere (1987), Jurassic Park (1990) and its sequel. He also ventured into the field of historical novels with The Great Train Robbery (1975) and created the award-winning TV series ER. He had a talent for recycling titles which other authors had already used; The Lost World and Prey to name but two. In recent years, Mr. Crichton also shone unwelcome light on the world's bloated ranks of Global Warming scammers.
The Swiss engineer and deep sea venturer has died at 86. The son of a pioneering stratosphere balloonist, M. Piccard made his name at the Earth's other extreme. In 1960, he and Lt. D. Walsh, USN, descended to the deepest point of the oceans in the Mariana Trench, carrying on despite the unnerving experience of having one of their windows crack some 2 km short of their goal. M. Piccard went on to make over 2,000 further research dives. He created the first 'tourist submarine' and he founded and chaired the Foundation for the Study and Protection of the Seas and Lakes.
The QE2 (from active service)
After 40 years and 5,000,000 nautical miles, Cunard's flagship liner has been pensioned off. The ship was named after the Queen Mum but had a '2' added to its name because it was the fleet's second ship called Queen Elizabeth. And, confusingly, it was launched by our present queen, Queen Elizabeth II. Anyhow, after getting stuck on a sandbar for a while making its last entrance to Southampton Water, the QE2 managed to avoid all of the local hazards as it set off on a final voyage to Dubai and a future as a floating hotel.
The drummer of the Jimi Hendrix Experience, and the last survivor of the trio, has died at 61. A child actor then a session musician with a jazz background, Mr. Mitchell teamed up with Jimi Hendrix and Noel Redding in 1966, and became known for his 'explosive' drumming, which fused jazz and rock styes. The band produced three classic albums before breaking apart in 1969.
Mr. Mitchell continued to work with Jimi Hendrix until the latter's death in 1970. Mitch Mitchell helped to complete unreleased Hendrix material, he performed with various bands through the next 3 decades and he made a successful return to session work. He had completed a 4-week Experience Hendrix tour, a celebration of the music of Jimi Hendrix, just a few days before his own death.
One of the stars of the ITV mega-hit On The Buses has died at 92. World War II interrupted his musical career, which developed into roles in long-running TV sitcoms, including The Rag Trade. OTB ran for 7 series and launched 3 highly successful films. Reg Varney (then in his fifties) played Stan Butler, a cheeky chappie driver in his mid-thirties who, with his conductor, Jack, was at constant war with Inspector "I hate you, Butler!" Blake. Reg Varney made more films and worked on the stage before retiring in the 1990s.
The designer of this monumental set of steel spikes in the sky has paid Manchester city council £1.7 million in an out-of-court settlement and the article looks like getting the boot from its present home. Built as a monument to the success of the Manchester Commonwealth Games, it started shedding spikes like an old Xmas tree and ended up fenced off and declared a danger to public health.
What is the official government solution to the Energy Crisis and the Credit Crunch? The Ministry for Power Generation Services is telling every firm in the country, through its quango Envirowise, to appoint a 'tea break team' and 'tea monitors' to make sure that staff don't overfill the kettle and heat too much water when they brew up.
The government is also busy recruiting a Packed Lunch Police, which will inspect each worker's lunch to make sure that any sandwiches were compiled from leftovers from the fridge rather than bought at a local sandwich bar. The aim of this further nannying is to reduce the amount of methane-producing waste food that ends up in landfill sites.
The United Federation of Sandwich Operatives burnt scotch gordon in effigy on their annual bonfire as a protest against his attempt to put them out of work during a time of recession.
Recycling failure but a thermal opportunity
Councils everywhere are finding that they have collected mountains of recyclables for which there is no market thanks to a combination of the brown slump in the British economy and the collapse of the waste paper market in the Far East. So now they're having to rent warehouse space to store it at vast expense to their Council Taxpayers.
The government is encouraging customers to wrap themselves in their old newspapers as thermal lagging for the winter, and to turn down their thermostat by a few degrees.
The government is still insisting that it's meeting all of its targets for recycling.
A Romiley resident, who has been asking Stockport Borough council to replace an unreturned newspaper recycling bag since FEBRUARY of this year, is now wondering if the council is secretly planning to abandon its paper collections if the bottom has dropped out of the market hence the stalling.
European ski resorts from Italy to Norway, and their counterparts in Canada and on the west coast of the United States, have opened for business anything up to a month early this year. Heavy snow seems to be landing on ski slopes everywhere; except in Scotland, of course. So are we supposed to believe that some sort of selective global warming is going on? And that heat is being pumped from Europe and North America to Scotland?
Hot enough for you?
The Aussie government has decided to close the central Simpson desert for the next 4 months. The antipodes have been drought-ridden for ages, and the idea is to preserve the lives of idiots, who think they can cross this desert despite maximum summer temperatures of 95 deg.C.
Govt. creates detonating vermin crisis
The government has been piling Stealth Taxes on refuse sent to landfill sites (over half of the £50/ton charge is the Stealth Tax) to force councils to collect material for recycling much of which ends up buried in 3rd World countries. As we are now in a recession, the bottom has dropped out of the market for waste paper, cans, etc., and councils face monster bills for storing rubbish they can't sell in warehouses. As a result, the government stands accused of turning Britain into a fire-trap and fuelling an 'exploding rat' problem.
Spit the bones out of this!
Snow in the East but no snow in the West. How does that fit in with Gorbal Warming? Half right or half wrong?
Now spit the bones out of this!
There were 30 Major Droughts in the 20th Century. 22 of them were between 1901 and 1960, 5 of them were between 1961 and 1980 and just 3 of them were between
1981 and 2001. So much for global warming and the world's weather getting worse.
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|SCREAM! for service|
Police forces all over the country are installing Hysteria Meters in their call centres to monitor the degree of distress of 999 calls. Anyone who fails to score 8.2 or higher after being burgled will be lucky to get a police visit within 7 working days.
A brown bargain for all
The bank rate is down to 3%.
The government has shoved BILLIONS into the hip pockets of selected bankers.
But still no cuts in mortgage rates, which are actually going UP because the banks need to shove up their profits after their criminally reckless gambling with sub-prime mortgage packages which they didn't understand.
What sort of deal for the taxpayer is that, scotch gordon?
The biggest racket on the planet
Britain pays 10% of the £100,000,000,000 European Union budget, which blows most of it on the Common Agricultural Policy and 'Structural Funds'. 'Blows' is an accurate description as the European Court of Auditors is about to refuse to sign off on the EU's accounts for the 14th year in succession.
Why? Because the people at the European Commission who spend the money don't keep proper records and they are quite happy to let waste and fraud run rampant as long as they get paid. Their function is supposed to be to create jobs and to boost the EU's competitiveness. But they have no idea how to do either.
The Open Europe think tank has compiled a list of 100 examples of EU waste and fraud.
RIGHT CLICK HERE to download the PDF document (Top100Waste.pdf).
Another nice little earner
sir ian blair (no relation), the Met chief who was obliged to quit for being useless, will receive a million pounds as his new labour bonus for failure.
You couldn't bloody make it up, but . . .
The Serious & Organized Crime Agency, which is touted as Britain's FBI, can't publish a Most Wanted list of gangsters and crime bosses because . . . wait for it . . . that would infringe the poor criminals' new-labour-granted 'uman rights!
Special favours for the servants of the law
The Association of Cheap Police Officers has announced that its members are quite comfortable with the new labour policy of letting coppers, who are convicted of serious offences while serving as police officers, stay in the job.
An ACPO spokesperson said: "Such officers can identify more closely with the criminal mentality and make a valuable contribution to their policing team. We are currently working to lift the ban on people with convictions joining the police to further expand our range of skills."
Free & easy on the high seas
How can Somali pirates hijack a supertanker loaded with oil worth $100 million? Quite easily. The crew is small and unarmed, and the owners of such ships aren't prepared to do anything to protect them as they sail through pirate-laden seas.
Another waste of our money
The police in Torquay are spending £30,000 of taxpayers' cash on flip-flops for drunken young women so they don't have to walk home in heels. This is part of the government's "Safe Footwear" initiative.
It's only money, after all
Gas and electricity bills in Britain have gone up by 30% in the last year. The European average is 14%. Looks like another episode of ripped-off Britain.
It's only money, after all, part II
The Abbey bank has come up with a cunning plan to boost its profits. It slaps an overdraft charge on accounts which are in credit, keeps the cash if the customer doesn't notice and blames 'a computer glitch' if there's a complaint.
Economics of the mad house
If the government cuts taxes and increases public spending, where does the money come from? Thin air?
Does anyone in their right mind really believe that aluminium tycoon Mr. O. Deripaska gave lord sleaze mandelson the run of his yacht just for the pleasure of mandy's company?
It's the way he tells them!
Is there not a HUGE clunk of hypocrisy in scotch gordon, the man who has been fleecing the British taxpayer for the last 11 years, telling credit card companies to stop doing the same with their interest rates? Or is he just upset by rivals trespassing on his fleecing territory?
The incredible in pursuit of the unbelieveable
The man who didn't fix the roof while the sun was shining is going to tell the world how to solve its current financial mess?
Pull the other one!
Tax the rich, but not yet
The government is planning to raise the top rate of tax to 45% for rich people earning more than £150K. But as MPs are involved, it won't happen until the next parliament [if ever]. scotch gordon's mealy mouthed excuse for the delay is that there was a pledge about not raising the top rate of tax in the labour manifesto at the last election. There was also one about giving us a referendum on the EU constitution. Whatever happened to that?
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Give us the dosh or the bees get it!
The British Beekeepers' Association reckons that bees will be extinct here unless the government coughs up £8 million over the next 5 years for research work to find antidotes for the diseases and parasites which have destroyed one-third of British bee colonies in the last year.
It's only taxpayers' money, after all
The government thinks it would be a terrific idea to bribe the parents of fat kids, using taxpayers' cash, to make the little fatties walk to school. But it seems to be well beyond the imaginations of new labour's geniuses to offer cash to thin people for not becoming obese and ensure that we become a nation of wonderfully thin and healthy people when all of the larger members of society have croaked prematurely.
If you're looking for a Xmas present for someone you don't like, look no further than bacon-flavoured chocolate, a US import which Selfridges is flogging. A made-in-Chicago, 3-ounce Mo's Bacon Bar will set you back a mere £5.99. "Tastes like chocolate which has been dunked in an overflowing ashtray," said one reviewer. [How does she know? Ed.] scotch gordon broon is expected to get a lot of it!
D-Power! Believe it or what!
The latest crazy scheme for persuading people that they can live forever involves drinking water laced with heavy water; a mixture of H2O and D2O.
Deuterium is supposed to be more effective than hydrogen in protecting cells in the human body from free radicals and toxins, and consuming heavier water is supposed to add 10 years to the human lifespan; something which is impossible to disprove as there is no way to measure how long someone would have lived without the 'heavy protection'.
So expect scammers to be flogging D-rich foods and drinks until the bubble bursts.
|A country to be proud of?|
If you want to know what new labour has done to Britain over the last 11 years, look no further than the case of the Moslem cook, who has been encouraged to sue the Metropolitan police because cooking bacon was part of his job but he wouldn't do it on the grounds of religious disability. And could you imagine the stink that would be kicked up if he were to be told he has to accept a reduced wage if he's incapable of doing the full job description?
Dumb, dumber, dumbest
Councils all over the country [Bournemouth, Fife & Salisbury to name but three] are banning common Latin phrases [e.g. bona fides, pro tem, NB, Viz., etc.] on the grounds that their staff are too thick to be able to learn proper English, never mind Latin.
Confusion reigned when these councils were informed that they would have to waste Council Taxpayers' money on replacing all official 'EXIT' signs and compilers of council financial documents will have to find an English alternative for 'per cent' and 'percentage'.
p.s. Salisbury council has also banned phrases with religious links, e.g. 'singing from the same hymn sheet' to avoid offending atheists. The move is seen as either a further burst of political crassness or a pathetic bid for attention. And Caerphilly council won't let its staff use the word 'British' as it implies a false sense of unity and upsets Welsh separatists.
Dumb, dumber, dumbest II
Under new labour's new code for animal welfare, anyone who lets their pet become obese will be liable to a fine of up to £20,000 and 12 months in gaol.
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Who do you think you are kidding, Mr. Hitler?
labour doesn't lose a Scottish seat with a majority of 11,000 and that's a stunning, brown-bounce victory? The words 'straws' and 'clutching at' spring to mind!
Junk phrase of the moment:
"It is right that . . ." Whenever a labour politician utters this poisoned justification, stand by for a lie and/or a swindle.
Dept. of Guesswork strikes again?
The ideal phone call is supposed to last for 9 minutes and 36 seconds. Why? Because some expert decided that 10 minutes sounds about right then chopped a few seconds off to make the final figure look more scientific.
We always knew they were lying
The government keeps insisting that exams aren't getting easier. Now, the Royal Society has proved that science exams are being dumbed down. They got teenagers to try science exam papers from the 1960s to the present and, surprise! Pupils with A* passes in the Noughties were baffled by O- and A-Level papers from the Sixties and Seventies.
|Brilliant success with someone else's cash!|
India has spent $80 million of British taxpayers' money on sending a satellite to the Moon. The cash came out of the £825,000,000 which scotch gordon gave to the Indian government in January of this year.
The Chandrayaan 1 package also included a lunar impact probe, which was decorated with 4 Indian flags, as a means of establishing an Indian presence on the Moon. But as the impactor had no brakes, and it hit the Moon going faster than a speeding bullet, it is unlikely that there is much left of this cheap gesture now.
We wouldn't dream of saying it!
But we are thinking, "What do you get when you send a female mechanic out on a space walk to repair the solar arrays of the ISS?" Right! A lost toolbag, which cost the American taxpayer a cool $100,000.
For the benefit of any amateur astronomers with a clear, dark sky and a pair of binoculars, the toolbag dropped by the lady astronought is a magnitude 6.4 object, which becomes visible a few minutes ahead of the ISS. For the benefit of anyone wanting to know when the ISS is visible, try the Heavens Above website.
Dream on, guys!
Ufologists in the United States see president-elect Barak O'Bama as their Great Hope for getting UFO files released to prove that they were right all along and the US government has been lying and covering up UFO encounters for the last 60 years.
|The cash culture rolls on|
The government has come up with a new scam to force motorists off Britain's roads. If caught, people speeding well over the limit will receive double points on their licence. So 2 speeding tickets could leave them at the mercy of public transport. And, no doubt, there will be fancy new fines as well to throw more cash into the Brown Hole in the economy.
Danger! Heavy load in progress!
A Canadian court has ordered the country's 2 biggest airlines Air Canada & West-Jet to let 'morbidly obese' passengers have 2 seats for the price of one. The airlines now have to devise a test to determine whether people who apply for the concession are the size of a house or just a bit fat (or even padded with intent to deceive). Whether the court specified that the seats have to be side-by-side has not yet been revealed.
More empty posturing?
The government is threatening to double the fine for not wearing a seat belt to £60 in 2009 but cutting down on the number of coppers on traffic patrol. So enforcement of seat belt laws and public safety doesn't seem to be one of scotch gordon's priorities.
Voting starts this month for the referendum on the Manchester Congestion Charge Scam, under which the government hopes to bribe the people of Greater Manchester, with their own money, to vote for yet more public sector borrowing, which will have to be repaid from the congestion charge and higher fares on public transport.
CONGRATS to Lewis Hamilton for sneaking home in 5th place in the Brazilian Grand Prix and claiming the Formula One drivers' championship, out of which the FIA had laboured so mightily to swindle him!
Hamilton would have had an easier ride to the BIG PRIZE if he had not been swindled out of a win at Belgium in September. So there is a certain justice in Massa and the Ferrari believing for half a lap that he was the champion before Hamilton made his way past Glock, who was struggling to stay on the wet track on dry tyres, a couple of corners before the finishing line.
[Or maybe Vince McMahon & the WW$ really were writing the script! Ed.]
Lying is about all they know how to do
The EU has been denying for years that it ever created regulations banning the sale of bendy bananas and cucumbers, and misshapen fruit & veg. The Eurocrats even wasted our money on a website dismissing the issue as a media myth.
This month, however. the euromasterminds have issued yet another regulation cancelling three dozen earlier regulations on the size & shape of greengroceries. Only in the 'Through the Looking Glass' world of the European Commission is it possible to cancel regulations which were only ever myths.
Out here in the real world, we take the deregulation as further proof that the European Commission is quite content to pile lie upon lie so much so that one could be forgiven for assuming that it is a foreign wing of new labour.
BBC Hype "Will be stomped upon"
The BBC TV show The Antiques Roadshow is to be hauled before the Trading Standards Council to face a charge of 'passing off'. The programme stands accused of boasting in pre-publicity about a £1 million valuation when the item concerned wasn't an antique it was a scale model of Antony Gormley's Angel of the North, which is less than 20 years old.
Spanish for sports fans
Mano de Dios (football) foreign cheating bastard
The government is trying to pretend that big companies delaying payment of invoices to small companies is something new, and scotch gordon & Co. will do something about it. If you hear hollow laughter, it's from the people who read this book when it was published in 1996.
Read the Book on the Romiley Literary Circle website
Read about the Book on the RLC website
Read the Reviews on the RLC website
Category : Crime & Commerce, mid-1990s
|Cold-war surplus, still up for grabs!|
Anyone who wants their own nuclear deterrent is advised to go fishing on the sea bottom off Greenland. The Yanks lost a nuke here after one of their B52 bombers crashed on the ice sheet in 1968. The bomb melted its way through the ice, the Yanks couldn't find it, and they decided to keep quiet and hope that the story never got out. Wrong!
Can't keep up with the Credit Crunch? Lost in a maze of Jargon? Check out the new, post-Credit Crunch vocabulary of stockbroking on the GARBAGEGATE website.
Note: If you are looking at this page after 2008 and the Garbagegate item has been moved to an archive, check out the "Global Items" section of the Garbagegate CONTENTS page
|The guilty party is . . .|
The bozos running the European Union caused the current banking confidence crisis. They got the International Accountancy Standards Board to make the banks report their assets at 'fire sale' values. Result : gross under-valuation in a rocky market and confidence shattered.
Next result : In a panic, the EU got the IASB to unscrew the screw-up so that the Deutsche Bank could evade paper insolvency.
Achieving the impossible
If you thought that they'd never ever be able to hold a beauty contest in Saudia, where the women have to go around wrapped like mummies, guess again. Those ingenious Saudis have just held their first ever goat beauty contest in Riyadh. Which sounds like something good for the BBC to show British animal-lovers on one of those digital channels which no one ever watches.
Hard times out East as well
Christmas has been cancelled in China. The West is so broke that the toy industry in the East is shuddering to a halt in the expectation that wholesale sales will be a disaster.
The infection spreads
new labour's 24-hour drinking culture has spread to the Aussie paradise. New South Wales in general, and Sydney in particular, are packed with drunken yobs around the clock. As a result, the Aussie government has realized that SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE ABOUT IT. Like 'Time, gentlemen, please!' at midnight.
The 3rd Pretender?
There's some doubt as to whether Barak O'Bama is the third Irish president of the United States of America. We know he's following in the footsteps of J. Kennedy and R. Reagan, both of whom claimed a right to the Irish vote, but we're not sure if anyone else tried this scam before them.
Whose Turn Next?
Now that the USA has a half-black president, other minorities will be demanding their shot at the next election. So anyone who's half Hispanic/half white Pennsylvania Dutch can start polishing his credentials. Women need not apply as they aren't a minority in god's country.
Power to the people? No *****ing way!
Next President of all the Russias Putin can't trust his voters to get it right, so he's arranged for bookmark President Medvedyev to expand the presidential term in office from 4 years to 6 years before Gospodin Putin takes over the job again.
Messing people about as a way of life?
The European Commission is so keen to flood shoppers with buckets of useless, large-print information, which no one ever reads, that following its regulations to the letter creates labels which are vastly bigger than their product!
Hurry while stocks last!
Americans everywhere are rushing to stock up with guns, ammo and dynamite before the middle of January next year, when the newly inaugurated President O'Bama is expected to ban their sale to rednecks.
Thinking of ending it all?
Anyone contemplating suicide but uncertain about how to do it is advised to get a job as a journalist in Russia. Anyone who even mentions the institutional corruption and regular abuses of office in Putinland is guaranteed an early death. Anyone with a definite death wish is recommended to Iraq or Algeria, which are only marginally more deadly than Russia.
The bin is ready & waiting, probably for Senator McCain & Governor Palin's White House campaign.
Chief Superintendent D. Pryer of Sunderland police seems to have been on a new labour propaganda course. He's promised to make his town safer by 2023. When he'll be long gone and not available to be held to account if things don't work out.
Oxford council, which has abolished Xmas in favour of a catch-all "Winterlight" festival.
Kent council, which has made a 7-minute DVD (at a cost of £15,000) telling people how to cross the road. Kent is also famous for losing £50 million to collapsed Icelandic bankers and paying its chief clerk an annual salary of £230,000.
scotch gordon, the 10p tax bandit, posing as a tax-cutter.
Haringey Social Services department and its boss, sharon shoesmith, for accepting no blame for the murder of 'Baby P' last August.
The police investigation at the Haut de la Garenne care home on Jersey, which blew £4 million over 9 months and turned up absolutely no evidence of wrong-doing.
Hackney council is still wasting C-Taxpayers' cash on persecuting selected market traders, who are selling (quite legally) goods by the pound or the basinful.
South Yorkshire & Lincolnshire's social services departments, which failed to spot that Britain's answer to Josef Fritzel was getting his daughters pregnant over 28 years to work a child benefit scam, which raked in £140,000.
The Essex police, who charged the boss of a thief with false imprisonment but let the thief off with a caution.
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|Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression.|
Sole © RAL, November 2008.