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No. 10 Certificate of EndorsementEvery edition of BFN is compiled
in accordance with official 10 Downing Street guidelines on accuracy and veracity.

hollyXmas GreetingsA recycled Merry Xmas & a Good New Year
to all our readers and rotten ones to miserable multiculturalists, dastardly diversifiers and all other Xmas denyers.
   BlackFlag News would like to thank all who contributed to the 2008 issues – and we hope to hear from you again, and your friends, in 2009!

good news, bad news

A very dodgy tale

Barrow, Alaska In the last gasp of the month, the Daily Mail printed pictures of a bloke being chased around parked vehicles by a polar bear and just managing to escape into an unlocked truck. Which raises the obvious questions:
 1. Who took the pictures?
 2. Why didn't that person do anything to help the bloke who was being chased by the bear?
 3. If the man was supposed to have received over 100 'deep scratches' on his back and head, why was he totally undamaged in the pictures just before he got into the truck?
 4. Why should anyone think the guy would be safe in someone else's truck? Glass windows wouldn't stop a hungry polar bear and the guy would be a sitting target if he couldn't hot-wire it and drive away.
 5. Is it April 1st in Alaska?

A Brown Slump Olympics in 2012

2012 OlympicsThe next Olympic Games is going to have to be the first of a new generation of Affordable Olympics. Out will go costly sports like hurling a javelin or a discus, in will come affordable events like "Hurl the Shoe at the Politician". Shopping is also going to have to be elevated to Olympic level as a sport so that Olympic hopefuls will get the economy humming when they go to supermarkets on training sessions.
   In fact, shopping offers the greatest range of possibilities for an Affordable Olympics because the venues are already built and functioning, and a whole range of events ranging from light shopping for a lunch snack to serious buying for the home is possible. And the Olympic venues will continue to be of service to the community long after the Olympic Games are over.

  Global warming caused by hot air from UN?

climate change sloganPoland gets to host a mega conference on climate change this month. 11,000 delegates & staff will spend a fortnight in Poznan talking about sliding cash extracted from the people who pay for the UN into the pockets of the people who don't pay for it; and the usual spivs, of course. They'll also be generating 15,000 tons of carbon dioxide to help the globe to get a bit warmer – something it's not actually doing this century.

climate change sloganA tough time ahead for the power & communications industries
After a quiet spell, the Sun is gearing up for an 11-year active cycle, which it will start to generate lots of sunspots and solar storms. The storms hurl vast amounts of particle and magnetic energy into space, damaging satellites and even taking out North American power grids because of the proximity to the north magnetic pole. The operators & customers of GPS systems can also expect to suffer when the Sun gets the hump.

climate change sloganNIMBY Agency Thwarted
Retired engineer Peter Boggis has won a High Court battle with Natural England, which wanted to let the sea erode the cliffs at his home in Suffolk and allow Mr. Boggis's house to disappear beneath the waves. The judge declared Natural England's application of a SSSI order unlawful and Mr. Boggis and his neighbours can continue to maintain their sea defences if Natural England decides not to appeal and throw more taxpayers' cash at the courts.

climate change sloganAnother sneaky stealth tax in the wind
American farmers are on the alert for a Stealth Tax, which the US Environment Protection Agency is hoping to sneak in (in the name of saving the planet). The EPA is flying the kite of charging $175 per cow and $20 per pig as a tax on the methane released by them.
   The EPA is trying to pretend that its recent suggestions are aimed at manufacturing industries rather than farmers, but all industries are covered by the Clean Air Act and the American Farm Bureau Federation can see an assault aimed at more than 90% of America's producers of beef, pork and dairy products.

climate change sloganScam warning!
The climate science industry is on the verge of launching a new money-making scheme/scam. One set of 'experts' will use their computer models ** to 'prove' that a particular natural disaster, a flood, a heat wave, etc., was a direct result of a man-made effect on the planet.
   'Victims' of the disaster will then be encouraged to sue the major oil companies and power companies for damages, and shove lots of cash into the pockets of lawyers and their 'climate experts', so the oil & power companies will have to shove lots of cash into the pockets of their lawyers and tame 'experts' to avoid being bled dry.
   In some cases, a dotty old judge and a gullible jury will hand out a big wedge of cash to the disaster victims and in all cases, the lawyers and experts will prosper.
   **The scheme involves using one computer model to make a guess at what human-released greenhouse gases have done to the climate and another computer model to make a guess at what the world would have been like had the Industrial Revolution never taken place.
   The 2 guesses are then subtracted to create a 3rd guess – the Human Culpability Factor which, if large enough, will trigger the legal circus.

climate change sloganShiver harder to stay warm?
Britain is 'enjoying' its coldest start to December since 1976. The current average temperature is some 3 deg.C below the long-term average.
   So much for global warming!

icebergIs the Global Warming industry sub-contracting its statistics to the British Home Office?
The GWI's "experts" would have us believe that the Arctic region is going through an exceptional period of warming. But the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and the other "experts" are using data from 1960 onwards only. They have left out an equivalent warming period from the 1920s to the 1940s because that dilutes their scare story.
   They have also fiddled the data by including only land temperatures and excluding temperature data from the Arctic Ocean, which comprises over 50% of the Arctic circle. Even worse, when they concoct scare stories about all of the Artic ice melting and raising sea levels by 20 metres, they use a faulty interpretation of data from satellites, which counts melt-water lying on top of submerged ice as open sea.
   p.s. While the Arctic is warming, the Antarctic is getting colder. So why isn't what's happening in the South taken as an indicator of what will happen elsewhere in the world, namely global cooling? What makes warming in the North get priority? Apart from backing up the Great Global Warming Swindle, of course.

climate change sloganAny trick will do if you're desperate
There were fewer natural disasters this year than last year. But desperate climate-change scammers in the insurance business have including earthquakes in the cost to the world of the past year's natural disasters. Why? Just in an attempt to make this year look especially bad. Look out for more barrel scrapings to make 2009 the worst year on record for hostile climate effects!

Crime News
Gotcha! Thirteen years on

voyO.J. Simpson, the former NFL star running back and actor, has been gaoled for 15 years for armed robbery while trying to recover memorabilia which took a walk. This is seen as pay-back for being perceived to have got away with a double murder. The jury and the judge denied it, but that did them no good.

straw hatSecond thoughts about the "Villains' Charter"
Things must be really bad for the government if Justice Minister j. straw is playing the 'get tough on criminals' card and threatening to get into an ass-kicking match with the lawyers feeding off the bogus human rights industry.

cowboyA grab too far!
The FBI has busted the governor of Illinois, R. Blagojevich, for trying to sell the senator's job, which president-elect Mr. O'Bama will be vacating. Roddy the Blagger thought a job either in the O'Bama cabinet, or as a highly paid figurehead of a charity or something similar, was a fair price to pay for the benefit of his influence (which has now evaporated).
   President-elect B. O'Bama is now in the embarrassing position of having to fire anyone involved with the grabbing governor as he promised to clamp down on corruption.

voyOh, no! Not another type of crunch!
Just when we thought scotch gordon had saved the world, along came another catastrophe. Hedge fundamentalist Bernard Madoff is holding up his hands to a $50,000,000,000 pyramid scam. He offered 12-13% returns on 'investments' [which turned out to be worth pretty much the same as one of scotch gordon's 'investments']. His business wasn't subject to any form of regulation.
   He suckered managers at banks and other financial institutions, who were blinded by the prospect of big bonuses. And now the wheels have come off, leaving British banks and others in a hole for £3,500,000,000 on top of all the cash they lost by buying up sub-prime mortgages in packages which they didn't understand.
   Surprisingly (or not), there are no bankers in gaol or awaiting trial over these messes.

the muggerArchbish of Canterbury exposes the real scotch gordon
Old scotch has been trying to portray himself as a good Samaritan, who is saving the world from the Brown Slump, which he helped to create. Dr. R. Williams has other ideas.
   He has realized that scotch is addicted to squandering other people's money, which explains why our junkie prime monster's only plan for fixing the Brown Slump is a bigger and better dose of reckless spending.

voyNo wonder the prisons are bulging at the seams
new labour has been creating imprisonable offences at the rate of one every 4 days since 1997. And most of the 'crimes' are just trivial misdemeanours in civilized countries.


Honda (from Formula One)

The Japanese vehicle manufacturer has dropped out of the top level of world motorsport. The firm was unable to build a competitive car, much to the frustration of drivers Jenson Button & Reubens Barrichello, and the management has decided that Honda can't afford to throw £300 million at another losing season.
   The management of F1 are currently trying to reduce the cost of running a team to a more affordable $50-75 million per season in an attempt to keep other teams backed by motor manufacturers in the racket. Otherwise, the whole show could be reduced to Ferrari versus McLaren with Ferrari getting the usual breaks and winning every year.


Forrest (Forry) J. Ackerman

The world's greatest science-fiction fan, and one of the world's greatest collectors, has died at 92. He even coined a name for the genre, drawing a parallel from hi-fi to sci-fi. He moved from fanzine publisher to literary agent, he became a mega-figure in the world of horror and achieved celebrity across the generations thanks to his Famous Monsters of Filmland (1958-1983) and he was inducted into the Horror Hall of Fame in 1990. He was cultivated by the most successful directors of the 20th century and he had tribute walk-on parts in over 100 films.



Gone age 99, a victim of the Brown Slump. The company was founded at Utica, New York, in 1879 and the chain store empire arrived over here in Liverpool in 1909. Almost a century later, it was placed in the hands of administrators (last month), who took about a couple of weeks to decide they wouldn't find a buyer for the whole chain of 815 stores. So the stores are to be sold off piecemeal to Iceland, Sainsbury's and anyone else who will have them.
   "The rot set in when the Woolies in the centre of Manchester burnt down and they didn't rebuild it," commented one former customer.


Kathy Staff

The actress who played Norah Batty in the eternal BBC 1 sitcom The Last of the Old Fellers has died at 80. Kathy Staff appeared in the very first episode in 1973. She was featured in a total of 243 episodes and had her final outing in August of this year. Her other TV roles included parts in Crossroad, Emmerdale Farm and Coronation Street on ITV, and appearances in Open All Hours with Ronnie Barker and David Jason on the Beeb.



What was once the biggest furniture retailer in the UK has fallen victim to the Brown Slump. Started in 1964 as a mail-order business, Mulland Furniture Industries blossomed into a chain of stores then lost ground to rivals. A stalled property market, the Brown Slump and a catastrophic drop in the demand for furniture finished MFI off.


Majel Barrett Roddenberry

The widow of Gene Roddenberry, the creator of Star Trek, has died at 76. A child actress, she worked in films and at the Desilu studios before being caught up in the Star Trek phenomenon. She was the bullet-proof first officer in the first pilot, but NBC insisted on giving that job to a man rather than the producer's (then) girlfriend.
   Majel Barrett became Nurse Chapel, who fancied Mr. Spock, in the first series. She was also the voice of the computers in the various Star Trek incarnations, and had on-screen or voice-over parts in all of them. After her husband's death, she continued to promote the Star Trek saga, she was executive producer for two of his ideas: Earth: Final Conflict and Andromeda, and she received a part in an episode of the 'rival' series Babylon 5 as a goodwill gesture.
   She expanded her voice-over work to the cartoon series Family Guy and in the service of reporting track-side defects for the Union Pacific Railroad. Her final voice-over part will be in a new Star Trek film, which will be released next year.


Bernie 'Mad Dog' Madoff (from the hedge fund industry)

He is suspected of swindles dating back to the 1970s and he was exposed to the US Securities & Exchange Committee in 1995 by an independent investigator. But all the SEC did was ask Mad Dog if he was a crook and believe him when he denied it.
   The wheels came off his scam, which turned $50 billion into $500 million, when the Credit Crunch hit and clients started to ask for their capital back. Then Mad Dog's Brown Hole was exposed. As he is now 70 years old, he is unlikely to survive to do gaol time, given the amount of time the US legal system is likely to spend messing about with his case.


Harold Pinter

This Nobel Prize-winning playwright, actor, director, author and writer of film scripts has died at 78. He became famous for writing plays with no beginning, middle & end, full of disjointed, naturalistic dialogue, which didn't necessarily say much, inexplicable expletives and trade-mark long pauses, during which the audience could wonder how long it would be before they could get to the bar. He took up political activism in his later years, and he was a particular opponent of smug bugger blair's illegal war in Iraq.


Don't expect things to get better for a long time

Brown squanderbugThe Chancellor, a.k.a. 'im with the eyebrows, has caught Brown's Disease. Throwing £20 billion around on a Xmas spending spree isn't enough to make him feel better about the Brown Slump. So our squanderbug chancellor is going to borrow more even money and blow that, too, on trying to buy a labour win at the next general election.
   Which seems a rather pointless ambition for the politicians who are bound to get the blame for creating the present mess when they fail to clear up the even bigger mess, which they are in the process of creating.

voyGood money showering after bad
The government is throwing £29,000,000 at the 2012 Olympics to plug part of the Brown Hole created by false accounting over the contribution which will be made to the Games by British industry.
   tony blair, that notorious liar, promised that the Games will 'pay dividends to all of us' after being told that the country would get little benefit from them. Lord Coe still reckons that the Games will have an extraordinary impact on Britain. But he doesn't mention that the impact will be HUGE and NEGATIVE.

voyNice work if you can get it
Last May, a binman in Lincoln found a couple of bags containing around £10,000 in banknotes, which had been hacked into irregular pieces. He took his find to the police, who treated it as lost property and returned it to him in due course. Now, all he has to do is piece the notes back together so that the Bank of England will credit him with the value of his find; a job which is guestimated to take around 3 months.

clunking coinvoyLoads of cash in, never any cash out
The megabank HBOS, which had £11.5 billion from the taxpayer as a bail-out, won't be passing this month's full 1% cut in the bank rate on to its mortgage holders. They'll get 0.25% and lump it.

voyThe alibis run out
Even the bloke appointed by scotch gordon to the Bank of England's Monetary Policy Committee is stepping out of line. Mr. A. Sentenance has admitted that scotch's claim to have put an end to boom and bust is nonsense. And even worse, there wasn't even a boom before the present bust.

voyRedress for rip-off
The Financial Services Authority has fined Egg £721,000 for forcing 40,000 credit card holders to buy insurance which would never pay out. Egg also faces a bill of £5 million for compensation.

clunking coinvoyDoesn't the sod know there's a recession going on?
scotch gordon is on a tour of the world's badlands, handing out British taxpayers' cash in Afghanistan, Pakistan and any other Third World terrorist haven which will give him a photo-opportunity. Anyone would think Britain had won the lottery. Afghanistan, Pakistan and all the others certainly have.

voySo that's what the money was for
The Goldman Sachs bank, which had a £6.5 billion bail-out from the US taxpayer, is paying out £4.3 billion in bonuses to its staff.

voyOpen an account with Barclays . . .
. . . and find yourself £100 billion in the red! That's what happened to a man in Ayrshire at the end of this month. A pair of £50 billion debits were made against his account and he decided to try for more than the £10 compensation offered by the bank for the inconvenience. Barclays reckon that all similar errors were corrected within an hour of their becoming aware of the problem, and extra compensation for stress & trauma ain't on the cards.

Home News
UK FlagDevil's work for idle hands

How is J. Woss making a crust after being suspended by the BBC without pay for obscene broadcasting? He seems to have a new career 'designing' crap Xmas wrapping paper for the Grauniad. His effort looks like a raid on a clip art collection for pictures of TVs.
   It was followed by a repetitive raid on a thesaurus by Sophie Dahl and a black-and-white image of a brick wall from David Bailey. If that's what Mr. Bailey plans to do over Xmas; beat his head against a brick wall; no doubt he'll be glad to see the new year arrive!

voyRip-off Britain Part 1
Most local councils are refusing to give their residents the benefit of all or part of the 2½% reduction in VAT on their paid-for services, such as parking and school buses.

voyRip-off Britain Part 2
Wholesale gas and electricity prices are down by half on the summer rates and the price of oil is down by two-thirds. But utility companies have no plans to drop their prices.

voyYou're right there, Gaffer!
Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor, the boss of the RC church in England & Wales, has hit the nail on the head. He reckons that the status of religion has been reduced to a 'private eccentricity', which is exactly where it belongs in a civilized society.

scotch gordonAll nit-pickers go M*A*D in the end!
scotch gordon has lost it. He was actually claiming that his crazy spending plans have saved the world the other day. Luckily, not everyone in the House of Commons is off his rocker, and scotch got the shower of derision which his delusion deserved.
Update'Flash' gordon went on to compounded the blunder by getting one of his stooges to issue an official statement with a brown revision of what the record should state.
UpdateThere is a sneaking suspicion in certain circles that, if the Germans are attacking his crazy spending policies, then scotch might be right after all!. But the suspicions lives only in the minds of those some distance from reality and members, and clients, of the labour party.

voyThink before you vote!
Democracy can be a bit of a dear do at times. The people of the Channel Island Sark found that out the hard way when they held their first ever democratic elections for a new parliament. They didn't vote for the candidates supported by the mega-rich Barclay brothers, so the bros are talking their money elsewhere, leaving 140 people without jobs.

voyEager to offend
Channel 4 is in trouble for giving President Dinnerjacket of Iran a chance to harangue the British people (in Persian) with his personal Xmas message. But excluding people who tuned in to be offended, his audience figure is unlikely to reach double figures.

voyOur crumbling past
The Monster of the 2012 Olympics is sucking up so much cash that much of the nation's crumbling heritage will be a pile of rubble in 2013 because the money isn't there any more, especially with the added burden of the Brown Slump, to save historic buildings.

voyBad intentions gone wrong
The labour party's class warriors got fox hunting banned in February 2005. But 250,000 people (or even 300,000) turned out to do it on Boxing Day. Go figure!

Romiley News
More puddles than pavement
(and road, in places)

Blizzard Thursday, that's what the weather forecasters promised for the first week of the month. Huge snow drifts, gale-force winds and ice all over the place. In Romiley, we got rain. Lots of it, which washed away any snow and ice left over from earlier in the week and created the usual monster puddles on the pavements and roadsides. But at least the park didn't flood!

voyRomiley joins the general No!
Romiley's residents joined forces with the people in and around Manchester to deliver a resounding NO! to the government's plan for a double congestion charge zone. All 10 districts polled voted the scheme down and the overall No! vote was 80%.
   The plan was seen as just another Stealth Tax with a massive public debt of over £1.2 billion strapped on to it. £34,000,000, which could have been spent on repairing roads and providing more trains, was blown on the referendum.


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No surprise here

Better Out Than InThe EU denied it but everyone just knew that it would happen – and lo! The Irish will have to hold another referendum on the EU constitution and vote the right way this time.
   All that's left to be decided are the cosmetic bribes to make it look like Ireland is getting a little something special out of the dirty deal.
  • The British were promised, in the last labour election manifesto, that we would get a vote on the constitution but scotch gordon reneged on that promise.

Better Out Than InGrab, bloody grab
The European Parliament has decided to squander €8 million of a budget surplus of €22 million for the current year rather than return the cash to the taxpayers, from whom it was stolen in the first place. And this is the bunch that demands ultimate power over every aspect of our lives as well as much cash as it can swindle out of us.

Not my fault, boss!

New Yorkers who are delayed by being messed about by the subway system can get the New York City Transit division to supply them with an alibi. A simple phone call will provide the traveller with a note confirming that the service didn't get the job done; subject to delays caused by the New York postal system. And NYCT is bringing in an online version to make the service speedier & cheaper.
   The British government has decided not to fund similar schemes on this side of the Atlantic because, a government mouthpiece said, "they are too open to abuse." Which, in translation, means that the government doesn't want to be embarrassed by acknowledgements that its much vaunted claims of creating a unified travel system are just so much hot air.

MoonNothing like thinking big
The Indian government reckons it's on course to send a manned mission to the moon by 2020 and the Indian Space Research Organisation is looking forward to the challenge. The only slight bumps in the road are likely to be cash wasted on military posturing with Pakistan over terrorist attacks in India, and cash not forthcoming in aid as the Brown Slump forces scotch gordon & Co. to stop being so generous with British taxpayers' cash.

voyCivilization's slide to anarchy
Greece would be a good place to avoid unless the traveller is looking for a Xmas holiday somewhere violent. Yobs and junkies all over the country are in riot mode, shops, banks and anything moving on the streets are considered fair game and the government has no appetite for getting a grip.

voyThings coming apart, part 2
Something else that's dropping to bits is the Brandenburg Gate in Berlin. Cracks are appearing in the pillars due to a combination of bringing in cowboy builders for a restoration job and the vibrations from serious construction nearby. Digging under the monument to extend the tunnels of the U-Bahn system isn't helping, either.

voyThink before you speak!
Preston City Council has come up with a novel money-making scam. It has filled the town's streets with Swear Wardens, who will hand out £80 fixed-penalty fines to anyone who dares to use bad language.

voyIs your journey really necessary?
The train companies have sold off their cheap tickets for the Xmas period, so anyone who decides to take a trip by rail from now on can expect to be ripped off something rotten.

voyAir fares set to rocket?
Up to now, the airlines have been able to fob passengers off with any old excuse to avoid paying compensation for delayed or cancelled flights. But the European Court of Justice has ruled that the only 'extraordinary circumstances' which excuse a pay-out are acts of sabotage and terrorism. So the airlines are going to have to dig deeper into their passengers' pockets to fund increased compensation payments in the future.

Massacre brings relief to terrorists. Result!

The terrorist attacks in Bombay last month seem to have achieved the desired effect. Pakistan is abandoning all military operations against the bad guys in its badlands next to Afghanistan. The troops will be moved to Pakistan's border with India instead to do a lot of pointless posturing.

voyHe picked the wrong side
The next casualty in the labour party's war with the truth could be the career of sir p. stephenson, deputy commissioner of the Metropolitan Police and the guy currently sitting in the seat of sir i. blair (no relation), who was obliged to quit with his pockets full of paying-off cash after Mayor Boris of London, decided he was useless.
   sir stephenson was daft enough to do the prime monster a favour and authorize the 'anti-terrorist' raid on shadow immigration minister D. Green MP (Conservative), who was embarrassing Home Sec. j. smith with leaks of her incompetence.
   sir stephenson still thinks he's the right bloke to take over from sir blair (no relation). Despite the kicking he's getting over his monumental blunder, he has bunged in an application for the vacancy at the top in the hope that j. smith will still be in her job when it's time to pick the winner.
Updatesir stephenson has ordered an inquiry into his 'do the Home Sec. a favour' terrorist raid on the shadow immigration minister so that he has an excuse not to answer questions about his methods and motives until well into the new year.
UpdateThe police search of Commons office belonging to Mr. Green, MP, was made without the benefit of a warrant and without the consent of the Speaker, gorbals mick. Which makes it illegal and means that Mr. Green is entitled to sue the arse off the Metropolitan Police for damages. Will he be brave enough to do it, though?
   The Speaker, meanwhile, is using a "Not me, gov!" defence and trying to dump the blame for his failure to keep an eye on things onto Ms Pay, his Sergeant at Arms.

voyWelcome back, Mr. President!
Outgoing US president G.W. Bush was subjected to a missile attack during a final visit to Iraq, which he invaded in 2003 on the basis of lies concocted by his ally tony 'smug bugger' blair. Luckily for George Dubya, the missiles were just the shoes of an indignant Arab journalist, not explosive and not particularly well aimed.
   "So what if the guy threw a shoe at me?" was the unfazed presidential reaction. "I didn't feel the least bit threatened by it. This is what happens in a free society."

voyOriental bad guys strike yet again
Chinese hackers have found a major security flaw in MicroSoft's browser Internet Explorer. The flaw lets them dump a 'drive-by download' of malicious software onto a PC – even from an 'innocent' website if the hackers can crack the server.
   The Trojan horse programs detected to date were all designed to steal login and passwords data from Chinese gamers. But that could change dramatically unless MicroSoft can come up with a fix and fast.

voyFreedom of speech? Not here, mate!
The Chinese have been making the website of the French embassy in Peking inaccessible through a concerted cyber attack because President Sarkozy had the cheek to have a chat with the Dalai Lama.

Kaboom!Another dirty deal done
The government has sold off the Atomic Weapons Establishment at Aldermaston to one of its pals in the United States in a back-alley deal. As the market is at another Brown Bottom, a knock-down price has to be involved because of all the secrecy.
 • The first that anyone over here knew of the deal was when it was announced on the US beneficiary's website, which is an inevitable consequence of new labour's policy of by-passing Parliament to avoid arguments and accountability.

voyThe right weapon for the job!
The CIA's staff in Afghanistan have come up with a great idea for buying information about Taliban terrorists. They're giving doddering old tribal leaders (with a harem of young wives) Viagra and a free medical check to make sure they can handle the little blue pills.

voyNo wonder everyone hates them
The Eurocrats at Brussels are wasting £2,300,000,000 per year on self-promoting propaganda about the European Union.


Lapland is the place EVERYONE wants to be

Hot on the heels of the flash-in-the-pan Lapland New Forest Experience's closure by Trading Standards officers, Lapland West Midlands has decided not to open after a Trading Standards experience.
   It was supposed to be a winter wonderland offering a skating rink, rides and reindeer. But all customers who had bought on-line tickets found was a collection of tents in a muddy field and no animals because the site's operators didn't have the necessary permits.
   Worse, they didn't have the appropriate permission from the local council to run the event. So Lapland West Midlands remains a flash website with nothing in the way of substance to back it up.
UpdateThe operators of Lapland West Midlands wish it to be known that they have nothing to do with the Lapland New Forest Experience.


Come to FRIDGELAND for your Xmas Break


Everyone knows that an old fridge gives kids hours of endless fun. Imagine how much fun your whole family could have in a mountain of them!
   Fridgeland is piled high with all the old fridges which the government is supposed to recycle but which didn't quite make it. Fridgeland offers ACRES of fun for kids of ALL ages!

Book your ticket now. One-Person Ticket only £25.00 / €37.40 + + + Family Ticket £82.00 / €411.53 + + + PLUS NO VAT (because we don't believe in it)
HURRY to: Fridgeland Bookings Romiley, 46 Riverside Drive, Romiley.

space news
The ULTIMATE Xmas Present!

Space shuttleNASA is inviting bids in the region of $42,000,000 for the surviving members of its space shuttle fleet – Atlantis, Discovery and Endeavour, which will become redundant in time to become presents for Xmas of 2010.
   The shuttles will be sold without their main engines, frustrating the plans of anyone who would like to go into the space tourism business, and they will have to be housed in an indoor, climate-controlled display building.
   The Smithsonian has bagged the shuttle Discovery, but the other two are still up for grabs.

world news
You'd better enjoy our last ever Xmas?

The End of the World has been postponed until CERN spends £14,000,000 on repairing the magnets in its Large Hadron Collider. Once that has been done, they'll be able to run the gadget up to full speed and see if creates enough mini black holes to trash the planet.

Better Out Than InStrangled with red tape
The EU insists on applying page after page of regulations on labelling food products; and just makes life worse for the consumer. Irish pork contaminated with dioxins is in shops and supermarkets, but if it's labelled "Product of the EU", the consumer has no idea where it comes from. Irish ham and bacon can also be labelled "Produced in Britain". So much for the EU's claim that its regulations let the consumer know exactly where everything comes from.

the muggerPutting the blame where it belongs
Who started the cholera epidemic in Zimbabwe? Mad gordon broon, according to President Mugabe.
   He's also responsible for destroying Zimbabwe's economy and leaving the country with no food, 80% unemployment, the health service in collapse and inflation at 1 zillion per cent per month.
   Which sounds a lot like scotch's plan for Britain, the way things are going.

voyStating the obvious, but why?
The computer security firm Cisco has announced that 90% of all emails are spam; something which will come as no surprise to our readers and leave them wondering what the point of the message is. According to Cisco, 17.2% of all spams come from the USA, 9.2% from Turkey and 8% from Russia. Which means that two-thirds of the internet-clogging garbage is well spread out over China, Malaysia, Singapore, Canada, Brazil, Nigeria and all the rest.

voyPirates move in
The Turkish manufacturer of the 'Bush Shoe' (as hurled by Iraqi journalist Muntadar al-Zaidi) has had to take on 100 new staff to fill tens of thousands of orders from all over the world. A major worry for him, however, is that the knock-off industry in the Far East will leap in and corrupt his market with shoddy counterfeits.

voyPower versus popularity
Russian communists have failed in their bid to rig a national vote to select the country's greatest historical figures. Why? Because president-in-waiting Vlad Putin didn't want himself to be seen to be the successor to Josef Stalin, the Georgian dictator who had 30 million people in Russia and the Soviet dominions done in. Gospodin Putin wanted to bask in the glory of Alexandr Nevsky, the 13th century warrior hero, who saw off the Prussian Knights.

This Month's Garbage

The Garbage Sharon Shoesmith, head of children's services at Haringey, George Meehan, the leader of the council, and Liz Santry, the cabinet member for children and young people, all of whom have received either the sack for failing to protect 'Baby P' or, in the case of Ms Shoesmith, a holiday on full pay.

Elwick parish council, Cleveland, which had the guy who organized this year's Bonfire Night celebration on the village green arrested for ARSON!

The Lapland New Forest Experience in Dorset, a.k.a. the Crapland Experience, which turned out to be hype and muddy field at £30 a pop for customers over 2.
UpdateCrapland has been closed pending a prosecution by the local Trading Standards Office following thousands of complaints. The operator of the disaster turns out to have convictions for fraud.

Norwich City council, which threatened hairdressers who offer their customers with a drop of festive cheer with a £20,000 fine and a free trip to gaol for 6 months for running an unlicensed drinking den.

Northumberland County Council Trading Standards Dept., which is harassing a bloke who offers surplus vegetables in bags beside an honesty box.

Hampshire County Council, which won't let a lollypop man put tinsel on his STOP sign.

Gatwick airport, which was closed for 4 hours because no one expected the runway to be clogged with snow and ice in December so the airport didn't subscribe to a forecasting service which would have delivered a warning and it didn't have snow-clearing equipment available.

Ofcom, which has no power to force the power companies to stop ripping off their customers and is quite content to let them cling on to the benefits of a 40% reduction in the wholesale price of gas for another 6 months.

Marks & Spencer, which won't sell Xmas crackers to under 16s because they contain 'explosives'.

South Wales Police, which harassed a Port Talbot shopkeeper for putting jokes on his Xmas advertising leaflets.

Ofcom, which fined the BBC £95,000 for a telephone voting scam knowing that the licence payers will have to stump up the cash.

Assistant Commish Bob Quick of the Met, who was savaging the Tories for corruption one day then giving them a grovelling apology the next.

The anti-social behaviour officer of Nottingham City council, who was arrested outside a night club on suspicion of being involved in violent disorder.

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Sole © RAL, December 2008.